HEALTH HAZARDS  9:37 am August 12, 2011

Rick Perry Metaphor of the Day: Texans Forced to Consume Own Sewage

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

The situation with the drought in Texas has gotten so awful that state officials are being forced to begin recycling urine and sewage to come up with drinking water for its population. Texas is not the first state to be forced to treat its sewage for human drinking (looking at you, southern California), but said another way, “the godforsaken climate in our state is so terrible that we are compelled to tolerate the consumption of our own recycled waste products” almost feels like we are reading an article about Rick Perry’s presidential run. It certainly has that whole “didn’t we flush some terrible, illiterate frat boy Texas turd giving us a stomachache down the toilet probably a few years ago? Why is it back again in our drinking water? Do we have to swallow?” feeling to it. How excited is everybody about this?

Well, Rick Perry’s prayers are not working, so Texas will have to put up with their only other option, reconstituted garbage.

From the AP:

Construction recently began on a $13 million water-reclamation plant believed to be the first of its kind in Texas. And officials have worked to dispel any fears that people will be drinking their neighbors’ urine, promising the system will yield clean, safe water. Some residents are prepared to put aside any squeamishness if it means having an abundant water supply.

“Any water is good water, as far as I’m concerned,” said Gary Fuqua, city manager in Big Spring, which will join the cities of Midland, Odessa and Stanton in using the water.

Is any water good water? Isn’t heat death and dehydration preferable sometimes? [AP]

 

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{ 233 comments }

MrFizzy August 12, 2011 at 9:39 am

Texans started consuming their own sewage when they elected Bush governor.

Ducksworthy August 12, 2011 at 10:16 am

It was making the rest of us consume their sewage that I object to.

Arken August 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

That wasn't when they started, that's when they put it in the beer bong.

tihond August 12, 2011 at 9:39 am

Their prayers have been answered!

jodyleek August 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

With a golden shower!

DashboardBuddha August 12, 2011 at 10:26 am

Zeus?

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Trickle down works!

metamarcisf August 12, 2011 at 9:40 am

Diverting the urine from the Lone Star Brewery to the public drinking water supply will result in a considerable loss of jobs. Is Rick Perry responsible?

johnnyzhivago August 12, 2011 at 10:27 am

Would anyone be able to tell the difference between urine and Lone Star Beer?

Monsieur_Grumpe August 12, 2011 at 10:30 am
Indiepalin August 12, 2011 at 10:35 am

It's in the water.

proudgrampa August 12, 2011 at 1:54 pm

It's the Water… And a Lot More!!!

Smitros August 12, 2011 at 11:05 am

Keep talking like that and you'll end up with a Shiner.

Doktor Zoom August 12, 2011 at 11:15 am

Bock, bock, bock!

proudgrampa August 12, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Best Beer Ever! One of the few things I miss about TX.

(And Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill, San Antonio. I miss you, ladies!).

justkillmenow August 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

Sewage…Texas…Bush…Perry…it's all spinning in a circle like poop in a flushed toilet. Hard to tell one from the other.

Fare la Volpe August 12, 2011 at 9:42 am

Sewage water really brings out the flavor of a Japanese feces burger.

freakishlywrong August 12, 2011 at 9:43 am

Next up: watering the crops with Brawndo.

Arken August 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

It's got electrolytes!

freakishlywrong August 12, 2011 at 10:41 am

It's the thirst mutilator!

DaRooster August 12, 2011 at 10:23 am

Well, Rick Perry would be one of the smarter ones there… Granted, he is no Luke Wilson.

horsedreamer_1 August 12, 2011 at 10:33 am

Aren't the Brothers Wilson from Austin?

Life can imitate art.

DashboardBuddha August 12, 2011 at 10:24 am

It's what plants crave!

comrad_darkness August 12, 2011 at 9:43 am

Thank Rick Perry's God that there's no climate change.

It's just Rick Perry's God hatin' on Texas…

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:29 pm

"Thank Rick Perry's God that there's no climate change."

There's no change–the weather in Texas has always been this shitty….

stew1 August 12, 2011 at 9:43 am

"Mama, the water ain't s'posed tuh have that there golden color, izzit?"

occams8ball August 12, 2011 at 10:24 am

"Darling, I think there's a piece of toilet paper stuck to your tooth."

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 9:27 pm

I actually just gagged.

GunToting[Redacted] August 12, 2011 at 10:39 am

So THAT'S what they mean when they talk about the gold standard.

DaRooster August 12, 2011 at 10:40 am

So Glen Beck has been hoarding… ew.

BerkeleyBear August 12, 2011 at 11:11 am

Jes close your eyes n' pinch your nose son. And iffn you feel any chunks, whatever you do, don't swallow.

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:30 pm

""Mama, the water ain't s'posed tuh have that there golden color, izzit?""

Son, that's the color of money in Rick Perry's checking account…

FakaktaSouth August 12, 2011 at 9:43 am

What's neat is all the trace amounts of (free!) birth control pill hormones and antidepressants that are also in that water. Rick Perry would look great with a pair of big ol boobies – too bad he doesn't EVEN like those things…

DashboardBuddha August 12, 2011 at 10:27 am

This means Texas could be the sexiest, happiest place ever!

LesBontemps August 12, 2011 at 10:35 am

Still needz moar birth control and boobies.

DaRooster August 12, 2011 at 10:41 am

Just wait 'til the meth kicks in…

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Probably needs a dash of anti-psychotic drugs, if these people are thinking that Perry would make a good president…

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Plenty of that in the bladder-water.

NorbertsRevenge August 12, 2011 at 9:44 am

Urine goes in, urine goes out, who can explain it?

baconzgood August 12, 2011 at 9:56 am

How come Tex-Ass has turds in the drinking water and Vermont doesn't? HOW COME? Who put the turds in the water?

horsedreamer_1 August 12, 2011 at 10:34 am

You're kidneyding, right?

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Because Texas used to be an independent nation (well, so was Vermont, but don't tell any ignorant Texan about that).

Their new slogan is:

Eat Turds and Die

Pragmatist2 August 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

He must have just seen that movie "The Help."

OC_Surf_Serf August 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

looking at you, southern California

Listen, at least the tap doesn't light on fire, yet.

Jeez. Surf, Sand, Sunshine…what's a little used water between friends?

Bonzos_Bed_Time August 12, 2011 at 10:16 am

And pizza parties, the OC water people give pizza parties!

V572 Coif of Destiny August 12, 2011 at 10:41 am

Here in San Diego, where we're too cheap to build our own water supply system and have to grovel for overflow from the LA Dept of Water and Power, our idiot mayor killed a promising water conservation measure by labeling it "toilet to tap." The good news: we'll just keep pumping nearly-untreated sewage into the ocean, just like always, only through a slightly longer tube.

But hey: low taxes are worth it, even if we surf in our own shit.

ArmoredLibunatic August 12, 2011 at 12:46 pm

My opinion may be slanted as a SoCal resident, but I can only must a "meh." Astronauts do the same thing, more or less, and they're heroes or something. And yeah, what Serf said.

I'll still appreciate the opportunity to mercilessly spin this into some metaphor about Rick Perry as president, make no mistake! Grrr arrr!

comrad_darkness August 12, 2011 at 9:46 am

"Construction recently began on a $13 million water-reclamation plant believed to be the first of its kind in Texas."

Also. What is this evil socialmalism!? Real 'Mericans each design, build, and fund their own sewage treatment plant at their own houses, fer freedums!

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:37 pm

"believed to be the first its kind in Texas"

Except for the wastewater recycling plant that began in 1985 in El Paso.

Do these idiots even know that El Paso is in Texas????

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Isn't "El Paso" some kinda furrn language,like, Messican or sump'n?

yyyaz August 12, 2011 at 2:43 pm

There is a logarithmic relationship between "knowledge of Texas" and suicide rates.

Sparky_McGruff August 12, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Is it just me, or does $13 million seem kinda low for a large public-works project? To build a facility that actually processes water, and is equipped to do quality control checks on the reclaimed water seems like it would be in the hundreds of millions of dollars…

However, $13 million seems just about right for putting in a pump and a short pipe to hook the goes-out pipe straight back to the goes-in pipe.

yyyaz August 12, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Hate gubmint and all its nambsy-pambsy commie rules? Meet your new friends cholera, dysentery and typhus. Private-sector WIN!

MARCdMan August 12, 2011 at 9:46 am

It's like in Catch-22 when the nurses simply swap the urine collection bag with the IV fluids bag on the guy in the full body cast when one is full and one is empty.

guangho August 12, 2011 at 10:51 pm

You just described Republican economic policy.

skoalrebel August 12, 2011 at 9:47 am

Is that a picture of my uncle Tommy's meth lab? Sure looks familiar.

Tundra Grifter August 12, 2011 at 9:47 am

Actually, this is more a methaphor for Ole Newt's vanity Presidential race.

Newt says he wants to run his campaign based on ideas. I say it's running on empty.

Doktor Zoom August 12, 2011 at 9:48 am

Whiskey's for drinkin', water's for fightin'.

(This has been a presentation of Western Cliché Theater. Thank you for your support)

jus_wonderin August 12, 2011 at 10:02 am

Do you have'a beer for mah horsez?

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:38 pm

What, like a Oatmeal Stout?

SorosBot August 12, 2011 at 9:48 am

Texans are going to have to learn how to properly wear their stillsuits soon.

jus_wonderin August 12, 2011 at 10:03 am

"He who controls the urine controls the urinverse!"

Doktor Zoom August 12, 2011 at 10:10 am

Tell me about the reclaimed waters of your homeworld, Usul.

johnnyzhivago August 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

What is in the voting booth in 2012??? Pain.

Doktor Zoom August 12, 2011 at 10:39 am

"Much that was called religion has carried an unconscious attitude of hostility toward life."

– Appendix II: The Religion of Dune

BerkeleyBear August 12, 2011 at 11:14 am

Fear is the mind killer explains Bachmann, Palin et al. pretty well.

Doktor Zoom August 12, 2011 at 11:18 am

I'm not a Bene Gesserit witch–I'm you!

Chet Kincaid August 12, 2011 at 11:36 am

Ah, all you other Dunies beat me to the punch!

baconzgood August 12, 2011 at 9:49 am

EAT SHIT TEX-ASS!!!

Suq Madiq August 12, 2011 at 10:54 am

Actually it's liquified shit but, yeah…DO drink your own MESS WITH TEJ-HAS!

stew1 August 12, 2011 at 9:51 am

"Vote Perry–tough enough to drink his own piss!"

GuanoFaucet August 12, 2011 at 9:51 am

Too bad you can't drink stupid, because that's a plentiful natural resource in Texas.

baconzgood August 12, 2011 at 9:51 am

It's not any different than drinking Lone Star Beer.

(do they even make that swill anymore?)

weejee August 12, 2011 at 9:58 am

They sent a sample of Tejas' beloved LSD to the lab, and the test results came back "your horse has diabetes."

OC_Surf_Serf August 12, 2011 at 9:52 am

Reconstituting garbage…

Would be electing another Texan Governor as President…

jus_wonderin August 12, 2011 at 10:04 am

Amen!

MildMidwesterner August 12, 2011 at 9:54 am

“'Any water is good water, as far as I’m concerned,' said Gary Fuqua, city manager in Big Spring."

Apparently the city is named for a large metal coil and not a water source.

DaRooster August 12, 2011 at 10:26 am

FTW!

deanbooth August 12, 2011 at 6:11 pm
simplyblue7 August 12, 2011 at 9:55 am

I'm gonna make it rain in Texas, muahahahaha ::unzips::

jakegittes August 12, 2011 at 9:55 am

Whatever you do, don't put any flouride in that water. It'll turn you Communist. — John Birch

DustBowlBlues August 12, 2011 at 10:55 am

Or sap your precious bodily fluids.

Trannysurprise August 12, 2011 at 9:55 am

Actually, God is answering prayers. My prayers. Considering I pray every day that Texas continues to burn to a hot crisp like the flaming red end of Whitney Houston's crack pipe, I think overall He's got my back.

Smitros August 12, 2011 at 11:06 am

Simile win.

slithytoves August 12, 2011 at 9:56 am

Do we have to swallow?

I never do.

freakishlywrong August 12, 2011 at 9:56 am

Where's your God climate change now, Texas/Oklahoma?

DustBowlBlues August 12, 2011 at 10:56 am

Oklahoma? Now that's tacky.

Chillwaver August 12, 2011 at 9:57 am

Recycling urine and sewage? Texans have been doing this for decades: it's called "Shiner."

BerkeleyBear August 12, 2011 at 11:18 am

Shiner is light years better than Lone Star, and actually works well in/with things like chili. Before we all discovered beer can be great, the Shiners and Henry Weinhard's of the world were as close to really good as you could get in many US markets. Plus SB is a gateway beer to really good stuff for people who have only drunk Bud/Bud Light because of marketing overload.

Chillwaver August 12, 2011 at 11:32 am

True, but unlike Lone Star, they still sell Shiner as a "premium" beer. There are also a few smaller breweries that produce decent quality beer at the same price level. Saint Arnold and Real Ale, for example.

Mumbletypeg August 12, 2011 at 9:57 am

Third World Order, we knew it was coming. Just hadn't anticipated the dry season would yield dry heaves.

OC_Surf_Serf August 12, 2011 at 9:58 am

Brown goes Down. Yellow is Mellow. Texans drink both.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Sounds like you might have been a Californian/lived in California during the last great drought.

arihaya August 12, 2011 at 9:58 am

“Any water is good water, as far as I’m concerned,” said Gary Fuqua,

i was wondering if his name Fuqua, is spelled "Fuck-u-all"

OC_Surf_Serf August 12, 2011 at 10:02 am

…short for Fucked Agua?

Chet Kincaid August 12, 2011 at 11:40 am

Very good.

SudsMcKenzie August 12, 2011 at 9:59 am

Its ok, once you get past the taste of Santorum.

Graham Cracker August 12, 2011 at 2:36 pm

I still have a bad taste of Santorum from last night's debate/circus.

EatsBabyDingos August 12, 2011 at 10:00 am

Next up will be the new game of "Bobbing for apples" in the Port-a-Potty.

bflrtsplk August 12, 2011 at 11:23 am

I think you mean "Road Apples."

weejee August 12, 2011 at 10:00 am

Rick Perry is turdaly awesome. He has made his state the first official human centipede.

Radiotherapy® August 12, 2011 at 10:00 am

As Huntsman said last night, "the EPA's reign of terror continues".

not that Dewey August 12, 2011 at 10:54 am

In the sense that they require the sewage to be treated first before feeding it to Texans.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Really? He said that?

If that's true, he's just lost any modicum of respect I ever had for him.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 12, 2011 at 10:01 am

The schaden freudes itself, once again!

Is everyone well-freuded now?
~

freakishlywrong August 12, 2011 at 10:09 am

My schaden is a quiver at this news.

proudgrampa August 12, 2011 at 10:02 am

Kinda hard to not feel a little sorry for the people of Texas. But then, I am reminded that they keep inflicting their damn governors on us, and I don't feel so sorry for them.

JoshuaNorton August 12, 2011 at 10:02 am

Apparently, God's answer to their 'round the clock prayer-a-thon was "Eat shit and die".

Not quite the solution they were hoping for.

LabRodent August 12, 2011 at 10:03 am

Welcome to Texas "Eat Shit and Die"

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

Appropriate though it might be, I can't see it on their license plates any time soon.

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:44 pm

"Welcome to Texas "Eat Shit and Die""

Well, it's been the slogan of Texans towards anything non-Texan for decades now, so why mess with success?

EatsBabyDingos August 12, 2011 at 10:03 am

Ghandi drank his urine. That makes Texas just like Ghandi. But without the enlightenment, charity, and love of fellow man.

baconzgood August 12, 2011 at 10:04 am

Thanks Kirsten. It's been awhile since my last poopie snark.

Buzz Feedback August 12, 2011 at 10:05 am

Big Spring: Home of the Crap Sandwich

stew1 August 12, 2011 at 10:05 am

Since they will need to raise taxes to pay for the new plants, Texans would prefer to build their own outhouses and make there own, home brew.

JoshuaNorton August 12, 2011 at 10:06 am

Any water is good water

Um, no. No it isn't. Does the name "Titanic" ring a bell?

AJWjr. August 12, 2011 at 11:03 am

Just water doin' what water does!

lefty74 August 12, 2011 at 10:06 am

Its nothing a big ass hurricane wont solve.
As if one raging torrent isn't enough to solve the problem.

As Marie Antoinette once said, Let them eat shit.

hollywooddood August 12, 2011 at 10:07 am

This is nothing new. Texans have been eating shit for years.

EatsBabyDingos August 12, 2011 at 10:07 am

Sarah's been eating yellow snow for years.

And, having watched the "debates" last night, she made the most intelligent comments of any of them. Of course, she said nothing.

jus_wonderin August 12, 2011 at 10:07 am

Is this stuff, PerryYea? Needz moar tiny bubbles.

randcoolcatdaddy August 12, 2011 at 10:09 am

“Any water is good water, as far as I’m concerned,” said Gary Fuqua….

I understand there's some slightly radioactive water still available in Japan, if you want to check that out…

mog253 August 12, 2011 at 1:03 pm

It's just like any love is good love, so they'll take what they can get.

Graham Cracker August 12, 2011 at 2:41 pm

And your shit will glow and light up the bathroom, thereby saving on power.

Ducksworthy August 12, 2011 at 10:15 am

I like that "believed to be the first of its kind in Tejas". That means these ignorant fools don't really know whether they've been drinking each others pee, or for how long.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 2:46 pm

"Believed to be" = "didn't bother to research the issue."

Arken August 12, 2011 at 10:19 am

Drinking recycled water is what the astronauts on the space station do. Why does Rick Perry hate NASA, one of Texas' big employers?

widestanceshakedown August 12, 2011 at 10:19 am

I almost want to except my 'never ever step foot in Texas' rule, just so I could visit with a wicked stomach virus and leave knowing both Bush and Perry are drinking my flushings.

Callyson August 12, 2011 at 1:36 pm

You could go with a "the DFW airport does not count" rule and fly American Airlines someplace. They *always* have layovers at DFW.

Doktor Zoom August 12, 2011 at 10:20 am

Don't crap in your hand, crap in your poopysuit!
You'll feel relief, filling your briefs!
Fill your pants over France, in your poopysuit
Flying high in the blue, free to do number two
Poop-oop-ee-doo!

I think that's probably enough…

Native_of_SL_UT August 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

Shit happens.
.
.
.
.
Shit happens.

ManchuCandidate August 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

I never realized that Texas was Arrakis, the planet from Dune.

Chet Kincaid August 12, 2011 at 11:43 am

So say we all!

Angry_Marmot August 12, 2011 at 1:14 pm

The worm is the spice? I got yer spicy worm right heah…

DashboardBuddha August 12, 2011 at 10:26 am

Any water is good water
So I took what I could get
She looked inside at the brown stained bowl, and said
You ain't seen nothing yet.

DaRooster August 12, 2011 at 10:29 am

"…officials have worked to dispel any fears that people will be drinking their neighbors’ urine…"

I know that my neighbors would love this… it's probably still 40 proof…

ManchuCandidate August 12, 2011 at 10:29 am

This is a much better plan than T. Boone Pickens idea of stealing, um, pumping great lake water from Chicago to Tejas.

The Great Financial meltdown of 2008 pretty much ended that idea.

As someone who lived on various shores of the Great Lakes for his entire life, I would have to say fuck Tejas if that plan ever came to fruition. No one told them to live in a fucking desert.

horsedreamer_1 August 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

True. The Great Plains were the Great American Desert (under the principle that a desert receives marginal rainfall, year-to-year) 'til the Homestead Act.

Also, the draining of the Great Lakes will never happen. Is one of the few things the GOP & Dem governors of MN, WI, IL, IN, MI, OH, PA, & NY (granted, right now, only Dayton & Cuomo have a D after their name) can agree on.

Oh, & Canada, also. Ontario has sway.

BerkeleyBear August 12, 2011 at 11:24 am

Quinn in Illinois is a Dem, and they've pushed hard to work on shit like keeping the carp out, and even thinking about undoing the reverse flow of the Chicago River to keep Lake Michigan clean (won't happen for pride, but still). You are right, though – it is enough of a point of pride that Mark Kirk stole credit for working on it, and you know he only goes after the prime bits.

Plus the Canucks ain't exactly cool with us taking water that is half theirs to help Tejanos.

AJWjr. August 12, 2011 at 10:57 am

Perhaps they can appeal to their brethren in Salt Lake City, that water's just going to waste anyway!

Rotundo_ August 12, 2011 at 11:01 am

Though if they want to truck loads of our sewage to Tejas to help them in their hour of need, we would be willing to let them come up and take our untreated sewage back down with them. I'll be willing to bet if you put buckets with little Tejas shaped targets in them we could fill a bunch of them.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 3:00 pm

I'm happy to do my shit bit. Pooping on Tejas? I'm SO there.

Chet Kincaid August 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

I would almost go firearm waving, 2nd Amendment yahoo to keep fucking Texas from getting one drop of water out of Lake Michigan!

Angry_Marmot August 12, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Half of Michigan's down there already. Quitters.

hagajim August 12, 2011 at 10:30 am

Hell – sounds like Texas ought to have a new slogan – Deep in the Heart of Golden Showers – or something like that.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2011 at 11:56 am

There's a yellow rose in Texas, it's that way 'cause of pee …

Monsieur_Grumpe August 12, 2011 at 10:33 am

Kind of puts the yuck in yeehaw doesn't it?

smitallica August 12, 2011 at 10:33 am

Hey, back off our governor! He prayed to the Living Christ Supergod three months ago to make it rain, and although the drought actually got worse, yesterday our high temperature in Dallas dropped below 100 for the first time in 40 days. GOD IS GOOD!!!

jus_wonderin August 12, 2011 at 10:50 am

I think that was the onset of hell freezing over. grin.

AJWjr. August 12, 2011 at 10:59 am

Out here by Area 51 we have a saying that it isn't summer unless there's 100 consecutive days over 100, you pussies.

mog253 August 12, 2011 at 1:06 pm

We moved to Grapevine in 2000, at the tail end of a 127 day stretch of 100+ weather and drought, bought the 5th house we looked at because it was 107 that day and I didn't want to get out of the nice realtor's Caddie again. Moved in mid-September and it started to rain two weeks later, rained straight through until February, then the floods started. TEXAS!!!!

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 3:00 pm

I get the feeling that it ain't gawd who's responsible for that temperature drop.

x111e7thst August 12, 2011 at 10:46 am

As the need to drink sewage spreads through the southern bible belt, the notion that there may after all be a god will start to gain currency in the atheist enclaves of the northeast coast.

AJWjr. August 12, 2011 at 11:07 am

Geophagy is a widely practiced southern affectation, keeps them connected to the land, so to speak, so can coprophagy be far behind?

Pat_Pending August 12, 2011 at 10:46 am

obscure nerd reference alert: I'm imagining all Texans wearing those 'stillsuits' from Dune. Just throw a cowboy hat on top and you're done.

mog253 August 12, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Spurs and a holster will be required.

ShaveTheWhales August 12, 2011 at 2:00 pm

You're new here if you think that's an obscure reference to this bunch o' nerds.

Pat_Pending August 12, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Ah. Duly noted. I haven't thought about Dune since the first Bush administration, so I figured neither has the rest of the world…

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 3:03 pm

I was just laughing myself hysterical over that, having followed teh Dune metaphor thread on some other post.

Serolf_Divad August 12, 2011 at 10:47 am

Praying for Rain
A Play in One Act
By
Serolf Divad

Characters:
Rick Perry – Governor of Texas, fond of executions and cutting services to the poor.
Jesus Christ – Son of God, friend to the poor and the meek, pardoner of adultresses.

ACT I: The Prayer

Rick Perry: Oh, merciful Jesus please bless our prached land, open up your skies and shower us with torrents of refreshing rain.
Jesus: Fuck you. Drink piss, asshole.

Curtain Falls

jus_wonderin August 12, 2011 at 11:06 am

Bravo! We await your next installment. Have you retained the movie rights?

Serolf_Divad August 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

It's already in pre-production, with Chuck Norris playing Rick Perry and the ghost of George Carlin as Jesus.

Doktor Zoom August 12, 2011 at 11:14 am

Perfect! All we need is Leonard Pinth-Garnell to introduce it.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm

If only the late, great Vivian Stanshall could be pressed into service instead!

Graham Cracker August 12, 2011 at 2:49 pm

And in Act II Jesus really gets pissed off at Perry and the other Tejanos.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 3:04 pm

When does it go into production?

Allmighty_Manos August 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

Rick Perry 2012: "I drink Crys. You drink piss."

GunToting[Redacted] August 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

I have a hard time making fun of this particular development… ALL water is recycled urine, at one time. They are not making any new water, so whatever you drink has been on this planet for several million years. It's all recycled, it's just the length of the time period between when it was piss and when it becomes Perrier.

There's plenty of other shit in Texas (like Perry) to make fun of. See what I did there?

BerkeleyBear August 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

Generally correct, but for most people there's still a big difference between a lump of coal and a gem quality diamond, even though they are chemically pretty similar.

I'm also not certain that you get the same high quality side effects (like hormones, lithium, etc.) from Perrier as you do from quick turnaround reclamation.

GunToting[Redacted] August 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

True. The problem is, there is not enough water west of the Mississippi to meet demands. Much of that is based on unrealistic projections (BLM and others) based on above-average historical rainfall and other errors. Unfortunately, short of forced relocation, the people are where they are. Like it or not, we will need to be creative about how we get what we need.

mog253 August 12, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Perhaps if they didn't try to grow big green lawns? Trying to make the desert bloom is a tricky business.

GunToting[Redacted] August 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Yep to this. I live in the desert. My lawn is rock with the occasional cactus.

Graham Cracker August 12, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Here in New Mexico we will have to relocate the Mexican border fence and move it to the Texas side!

not that Dewey August 13, 2011 at 12:51 am

We have to give almost half our water to the Texans, and look at what they've done with it.
http://www.tceq.texas.gov/publications/pd/020/10-

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2011 at 12:00 pm

The water in Texas has only been around for 6,000 years. Maybe it's just the fundy water that they're running out of.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Not to mention the fact that, as the population races to hit 7 billion, we're all looking at drinking pretty recently recycled water within a couple of decades. I understand the need to make fun of it, but this is the future for all of us, unless the population is mysteriously halved, tout suite. There's too many of us to be supported at any but the most basic levels by this beautiful blue planet we call home.

Eve8Apples August 12, 2011 at 10:52 am

I'm curious when will the good governor take his special tea blend to the bluebloods of suburban Dallas and Houston.

Instead of "Let them eat cake," Perry's motto is "Let them drink piss."

not that Dewey August 12, 2011 at 10:56 am

Shit in one hand; pray for rain in the other. See which one fills up first.

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:46 pm

# WINNING

neiltheblaze August 12, 2011 at 10:59 am

I love how Rick Perry's Sky Wizard god is essentially telling Texas to drink piss and die.I love a creator of the universe with a sense of humor.

baconzgood August 12, 2011 at 11:00 am

"FFFWWAA! THIS´╗┐ COFFEE TASTES LIKE SHIT!"

-Austin Powers in Austin Texas-

DaRooster August 12, 2011 at 11:00 am

Sure will take a whole mess of science to be able to drink pee… Y'all sure you wanna go down that road? Aren't you supposed to have complete faith?

jus_wonderin August 12, 2011 at 11:08 am

"And Jesus turned Piss into Water."

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm

That, or he multiplied the bottles of Evian.

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:57 pm

"Aren't you supposed to have complete faith?"

Only if you hear it on FoxNews….

DustBowlBlues August 12, 2011 at 11:02 am

Meanwhile, Oklahoma and Texas are in a pissing match–pun intended–over who gets the water in SE OK. If I heard the news correctly, the tribes down there–two big ones, Choctaw and Chickasaw–want to keep it. Thank God for them. So did the Attorney General, the last real Democrat in the state, but he ran for guv and lost and who knows about the new Republitard AG.

Meanwhile, I assume all those gigantic emerald green grass lawns that rich Dallasites favor are being allowed to go brown, forever, until they're replace by xeriscaping.

No? I'm shocked. Then again, they're probably waiting for that prayer thing to work.

PS Suck it, Longhorns. We've had three days of cool temps and intermittent rain and more coming until next mid week, when the low temps return to, "Just this side of Hades."

jus_wonderin August 12, 2011 at 11:09 am

Congrats on the rain, Dusty. I bet it seemed like fall when the temps dropped.

DustBowlBlues August 12, 2011 at 1:18 pm

More like heaven.

freakishlywrong August 12, 2011 at 11:11 am

If the water is in SE OK, what gives Tejas the rights to it? I'm genuinely curious.

BerkeleyBear August 12, 2011 at 11:32 am

Might have a claim if it flows into Tejas at some point. Or it could just be about whether Okie Repubs will cover Tejas Repubs asses this time, and rape their environment to do it.

freakishlywrong August 12, 2011 at 11:59 am

Thanks, I thought they were just being asshole bullies to OK.

GunToting[Redacted] August 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

I'd guess they are talking about the Ogallala aquifer, which is under OK, TX, KS, NE, and a bit into some other states. It's like the "I drink your milkshake" scene in "There Will Be Blood."

freakishlywrong August 12, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Thank you. My Grandpa lived in Chickasha but I'm ignorant of water rights.

GunToting[Redacted] August 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Read “Cadillac Desert.” Probably the best, and easily the most interesting/readable book ever written about water rights. Sadly the author died several years back, as I'd love to hear his take on how things have changed in the nearly two decades since he wrote the book.

DustBowlBlues August 12, 2011 at 1:23 pm

They want to purchase it. Which makes me very afraid the Republitard takeover of the state will go along with it. Anyone with half a brain knows that one of the most precious resources in the near future is going to be water. The southeast part of OK gets the most rain–even has cypress trees in the farthest part of the SE.

Texas was suing OK to get the water. I do not know the current state of that, just that the Indians are of the opinion it's their water, given the fact it's in the part of the state they were "removed" to. I'm cheering for the tribes.

not that Dewey August 13, 2011 at 12:58 am

What BerkeleyBear said. I just posted this upthread, but:
http://www.tceq.texas.gov/publications/pd/020/10-

SorosBot August 12, 2011 at 11:15 am

If you live in the fucking desert, you shouldn't be trying to grow a grass lawn, Texans.

FakaktaSouth August 12, 2011 at 11:27 am

The first time I ever went to Ft Worth I was shocked at how completely green it was. I asked my aunt who had moved there why it looked like Alabama for real, and she said that the Bass Family had transplanted all the forestry. After I saw the rest of Texas I was even more impressed. I guess money trumps nature (cause you can't shoot it) in Texas. And I bet they don't water it with t-t.

Geminisunmars August 12, 2011 at 11:05 am

This isn't snark, but you know what happens to land after drought and scorching? When the rains come (if they come – Tex could become a permanent dessert) it won't be able to penetrate and will become run-off. So – more flooding. Perry will probably claim that his prayers worked.

freakishlywrong August 12, 2011 at 11:12 am

Damn Jesus freak will build an ark. With dinosaurs on it!

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 12:59 pm

"Tex could become a permanent dessert"

Baked Alaska?

Geminisunmars August 12, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Good catch. So, a permed dessert with a cherry on top.

mog253 August 12, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Exactly.

littlebigdaddy August 12, 2011 at 11:05 am

If I had to live in Texas, I would be worried more about being surrounded by armed, bigoted, holy-roller mouthbreathers, many of whom are elected to statewide office. Recycled human waste would just be the icing on the shit cake.

StarsUponThars August 12, 2011 at 11:06 am

Kinda puts the "mess" in Don't Mess With Texas, don't it. Only a man who pulled Cs and Ds in college could think this was a good idea.

Smitros August 12, 2011 at 11:09 am

In all fairness, this is pretty much what all wastewater and sewage treatment amounts to, just a more pronounced example. The (hydrological) circle of life, like the filtration scene at the beginning of Waterworld.

SilverFox August 12, 2011 at 11:16 am

job creation, rick perry style

GregComlish August 12, 2011 at 11:20 am

Wow. Texas engages in a practical long-term solution to address a major social problem by investing in relevant public institutions. Good for them.

Chet Kincaid August 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

Wingnuts Of Dune

Chet Kincaid August 12, 2011 at 11:39 am

Logistically, what is the quantity of shit and piss you need to start with to get down to, say, 8 ounces of potable water? Wouldn't it be more economically feasible to just evacuate Texas?

Pat_Pending August 12, 2011 at 2:29 pm

heh-heh. you said 'evacuate'

Chet Kincaid August 12, 2011 at 11:49 am

Consuming shit! I get to make my second Chuck Berry reference of the day.

Chet Kincaid August 12, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I'm imagining a Dystopian, modern-day version of "Lonesome Dove" in which Woodrow, Augustus and the boys escort a huge tanker truck north to the Great Lakes to steal water. Hilarity ensues.

Inchhigh August 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Is that a picture of Newt Gingrich's campaign headquarters?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I'm all for sending cases of empty water bottles to Texas, labeled "Perry Air".

Given the local weather, it may arrive hot, which would be perfect.

AJWjr. August 12, 2011 at 12:08 pm
rahelio August 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Holy Shit!

No, really, it's holy. Sometimes God answers your prayers for rain by telling you to pee in each other's mouths.

DahBoner August 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm

"Holy Shit! "

They're already archiving Rick Perry's morning bowel movements, for the future Presidential library……

GOPCrusher August 12, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Maybe Rick Perry should keep his ass to home this weekend, instead of traveling to South Carolina so he can announce that he wants to run for President of a country that he wants to secede from.

mog253 August 12, 2011 at 1:11 pm

It is a curious choice.

LiveToServeYa August 12, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Godforsaken climate? Perhaps God forsook Texas for a reason!

Buckminster August 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Texas=Bad Kevin Costner flick Waterworld?

GunToting[Redacted] August 12, 2011 at 1:22 pm

OT, but WFT is up with the Blogads? I have a large-breasted Cougar over the line "One weird trick to sleep all night," and a young chick with a whole egg in her mouth over the "Best wrinkle creams of 2011…" How does Kourtney fit into all this?

user-of-owls August 12, 2011 at 1:23 pm

New Slogan:

Please Mess in Texas.

Callyson August 12, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Looking forward to the next Freak Show, I mean GOP Presidential Debate, when someone asks Perry if he will do for the country what he has done for Texas…

owhatever August 12, 2011 at 2:41 pm

And the Lord asked Saint Rick, "Thou art drinking thine own urine? Thou really art a moron, aren't thou. Buy some bottled water." And thence replied Saint Rick, "God, you really don't unnerstand our plightest in thine's chosen land." To which God answered, "I never chose Texas for anything other than somewhere to pile all the leftovers when I finished building the rest of the world. Stop whining to me all the time and grow a pair."

snoopyfan2010 August 12, 2011 at 6:05 pm

There's this old saying, "What goes around comes around ten times harder."

And Obama is a twinkie. Please show approval for that meme by giving free thumbs up. I need the affirmation.

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Up here in Michigan, we are literally drowning in our drinking water. No, really. A rip tide in Lake Michigan drowned two peoople, yesterday, and nearly drowned four children, today.

not that Dewey August 13, 2011 at 12:59 am

I realize that New Mexico is a rather sparsely-populated state, so it won't amount to much, but we'd be more than happy to donate all our shit and piss if it would help our Texan brethren. We could just leave it in piles along the border.

ttommyunger August 13, 2011 at 2:39 pm

No wonder Rick spends so much time out of State. BTW, I'm posting this on Sat afternoon. Perry has announced. Don't think for a minute that this ass-clown can't win it all. He is telegenic, articulate, has a great back-story ('cept for the cheerleading thingy) and is WHITE! I fully expect him to name Palin for the bottom (snicker) of his ticket and have her as his running "mate" (hee, hee). I think the "PP" Ticket is fitting for this post.

proudgrampa August 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Certainly LBJ and Barbara are among my favorite "sons and daughters of Texas" (at least until LBJ wouldn't get us out of SE Asia).

One I really miss is Ann Richards. Now why can't Texas find another one like her???

Doktor Zoom August 12, 2011 at 1:44 pm

As falls Wichita, so falls Wichita Falls.

PristinePantalones August 12, 2011 at 2:29 pm

A-HEM!

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