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Another Small Town Becomes Victimized By Constitution

Oh, Florida, it is America’s treasured swampland. It is a place ruled by those important “small town values” and giant biblical structures donated by local highway construction hot-shots. Or at least it was, until some Jesus-hatin’ foreigner came in and ruined everything, because that is how these stories go. Thank the Almighty for the USA Today for giving these oppressed people a voice!

The folks who live in this sparsely populated rural region along Florida’s upper west coast don’t like outsiders butting in, especially when it comes to their religious beliefs.

They’re miffed, to put it politely, and appealing a federal judge’s order to remove a five-foot high granite monument that prominently displays the Ten Commandments in front of the Dixie County courthouse by Sunday.

The six-ton, $20,000 monument still sits on the courthouse steps. Beneath the commandments, the monument reads in large capital letters, “LOVE GOD AND KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS.”

Residents here have long had a reputation for their independence and don’t take kindly to outsider interference, even if it’s a constitutional issue.

“There will be people standing around it to protect it when they come to remove it,” said Donald Eady, a 38-year-old mobile mechanic who lives in neighboring Old Town, a short jaunt south down four-lane U.S. Highway 19. “The people here enjoy it. We should have that freedom, but they’re taking our freedom away daily.”

“They,” meaning “that ridiculous Constitution,” are a real menace. Especially since there are probably no illegal Mexicans in this quaint little Florida paradise to move those SIX TON pretend message from God. Whatever happened to Justice? [USA Today]

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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    1. Doktor Zoom

      That's NOT in the Constitution!

      (Usually said by someone who looks like they think they're really clever, and followed by the reminder that we're not a democracy, we're a republic.)

  1. SheriffRoscoe

    It's not a graven image, technically speaking, if the words aren't engraved into it, right? Inks are cool if I'm not mistaken.

  2. PrimlyStable


    Tell them the God in question is Allah. It'll be gone by lunchtime.

  3. CapnFatback

    The folks who live in this sparsely populated rural region along Florida’s upper west coast don’t like outsiders butting in, especially when it comes to their religious beliefs.

    And they especially don't like no two-hundred-plus-years-dead powder-wig wearin', snuff snortin', fancy feathered-pen writin' East Coast elite snobs tellin' 'em what's what.

        1. flamingpdog

          I suspect the citizens of Dixie County have already expanded about as much as is humanly possible.

  4. Fukui_sanYesOta

    "Cross City" lives up to its name.

    This bit is good from the article:

    "A bunch of people that ain't got no damn sense want to tear down the good Lord," said Jeannie Hoffman from neighboring Tennille. "They took prayer out of schools, they took paddlings out of schools, they took all your rights away right there."

    This Real American knows that hammering the shit out of kids with a paddle is the only way to Win the Future.

    1. CapnFatback

      I don't want to live in a country where I can't smack some random school kid's bare ass with a plank of wood.

    2. emmelemm

      Yes, they took prayer out of schools. What's that you say? Prayer was never legal in schools? Oh, my bad.

    3. Barrelhse

      The breathtaking ignorance contained in that quotation makes me realize how difficult things are going to be in this country for those of us who possess a modicum of intelligence. I'm glad I'm old and won't have to endure the end days of our little experiment in democracy for much longer- if I was 20 I would question whether I had the energy to fight against this foolishness every day.

        1. Hacklebarney

          Really, eleven people gave this a thumbs up? Is there some snark here I am missing because it seems like this guys is just being an asshole?

          1. Barrelhse

            Thank you, Hacklebarney. I missed the snark, too, and find no call for personal insults here.

  5. CapnFatback

    The six-ton, $20,000 monument still sits on the courthouse steps. Beneath the commandments, the monument reads in large capital letters, “LOVE GOD AND KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS.”

    . . .

    Residents here have long had a reputation for their independence

    The hell you say.

    1. Rarian Rakista

      My mom is a Teatard and all of her handmade signs she takes to her local rallies in NC are in all caps.

      I also have a gmail rule setup to send anything from her with Obama or Democrat in the title straight to trash. Too bad I can't filter out by all caps.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Have you thought about having her declared incompetent, & assuming Power of Att'y for her?

        1. Rarian Rakista

          Yes, or actually I have thought about what is going to happen over the next 10 years as she is slipping into dementia and has become more and more confrontational with strangers and family about how she sees the world.

          She almost got in a fight and had to be told by my sister to calm down when she started talking/yelling at someone over them using food stamps to buy steaks at her local Food Lion grocery store. Fucked up thing about it is that people around her were supporting her and from what I gather from my sister the person was seriously ill and almost crying as they left.

          My mom collects a government pension, Social Security and games the system for medicare because she "deserves it", le sigh.

      2. Geminisunmars

        It's hard having a Teatard relative, isn't it? One of my step-sons is one (out of three step sons – the other 2 are flaming libunatics) and my poor husband wonders where he went wrong. Fortunately Teatard's daughter is showing signs of being able to think for herself.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            It's times like these we learn to admire Dr. Kevorkian.

            (As an aside: do Dr. Jack & former UNLV basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian make up for the Kardashians & Kirk Kekorian, or does Armenia still owe us?)

  6. smokefilleddoommate

    Some governments have tried to follow that ruling by displaying the commandments with other legal documents, like the Magna Carta and Hammurabi's Code.

    "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" is perfect for a courthouse! They should just replace it with that.

    1. flamingpdog

      Magna Carta sure soundz Messican to me. And Hammurabi soundz like a code word for OsHammuraBin Laden to me, y'all. Won't see none o' that here in Dixie County.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Some governments have tried to follow that ruling by displaying the commandments with other legal documents, like the Magna Carta and Hammurabi's Code. "

      Needed fixing.

  7. pinkocommi

    One of the many reasons the Ten Commandments story is a crock of shit is… does anyone really think that an all-knowing and all-powerful God would really choose to write his laws on stone tablets? If it were me, I would tattoo that shit on people's foreheads at birth, illuminate the rules in the night sky with stars, or invent Twitter so that I could tweet the rules or something. Stone tablets are so 1,000 BC and have never been practical.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      The mad god Nuggan had the right idea–he kept adding Abominations so often that his followers' holy book was a ring binder that could be easily updated.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Silly Wonkette. The Constitution only prohibits the government from taxing you and putting its hands on your Medicare. It only allows the government to stop mosques from being built. Everything else is prohibited. Without the 'baggers, Socialist like you would ruin this country.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      One of the few specific things the US Constitution states the Federal government must do it pay its debts. There isn't anything in there about the Supreme Court ruling on laws being Constitutional. But all Federal debts must be paid.

      Yet those who yell the most about the Constitution being our rule of law were the first to be willing to default on that debt.

      Kinda like the folks who brag about being true Christians, or having a strong marriage? If you have to tell everybody about it you're probably not real.

  9. SorosBot

    They're trying to take away their freedom to deny freedom to non-Christians! Or even other types of Christians; this being rural Florida I imagine they're using the non-Lutheran Protestant version of the Commandments (and if they're using the Catholic/Lutheran they'd be against the freedom of a different other type of Christian).

  10. Crank_Tango

    When the fuck is someone gonna step up and defend the fucking constitution from that goddamn constitution? Freedumb, also!

  11. johnnyzhivago

    If you think they're mad now, wait till we adopt Sharia law, the Metric system and the Yuan – and order their fire engines to be painted Federal Fire Safety Lime Green with flourescent orange stripes.

    1. nounverb911

      Can we get our new Chinese overlords to build the Great Wall of Oklahoma to keeps the Texans out?

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Lime green with orange? Those are clearly Dolphins colours — & the Redneck Riviera is most assuredly Buccaneers Country (with, maybe, a splash of Falcons).

  12. Negropolis

    What else is one to expect of a county named Dixie whose seat is in Cross City? And, their courthouse? It looks like a gussied up polebarn.

    Speaking of Florida, "Pastor" Terry Jones is bringing his Muslin-hating circus up here to Michigan, next month, for the half-dozenth time or so. This time, he's going to hold a rally on the capitol steps, and the next day hold a hate-in at a suburban Lansing hotel. Needless to say the local mayor, Virg Bernero (you may have seen him on Fox), holds a Ramadan dinner in Lansing every year and is not happy about this shit. Hope Lansing shows Terry the same "love" they showed the Neo-Nazis when they came up here a few years back…

  13. donner_froh

    Alternate messages for the front of the courthouse:

    There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is His Prophet.

    There is one Trinity with several divine forms: Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva.

    The Way to God is righteousness or Dharma.

    1. SorosBot

      A long time ago…

      Before time began, before the world had been formed, three Golden Goddesses descended upon the chaotic land of Hyrule. They were Din, the Goddess of Power, Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom and Farore, the Goddess of Courage.

      Din, with her strong flaming arms, cultivated the land to create the earth. Nayru poured her wisdom onto the earth to give the spirit of law to the world. Farore’s rich soul created all life forms who would uphold that law.

      These three Goddesses returned to the heavens, leaving behind the golden sacred Triforce. Since then, the Triforce has become the basis for Hyrules providence; and the place where the Triforce stood became a sacred land.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Or how about THIS one:

      1. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof….

  14. glamourdammerung

    Residents here have long had a reputation for their independence

    So any bets about how much government assistance the local yokels are on?

  15. BarackMyWorld

    Oh, for fuck's sake people, get over yourselves and just move it to private property, like in front of a church or something.

    1. Negropolis

      That makes too much fucking sense, though, as does being content with "only" teaching their religion in Sunday school and private schools.

    2. Sue4466

      But then that limits their freedom to impose their religious beliefs on everyone else. Or to act as if the norm or "insider" view is Christian.

  16. Come here a minute

    They should go "taliban" on it and blast off the front with RPG's, then engrave the First Amendment on the new rock face.

  17. DaSandman

    You know, I think its the heat. It literally boils their brains. Generations of sub literate swampbillies with boiled brains have given us the Rethugs and the Tea Bags and Jeebus rendered in granite and caramel corn and manatee spooge.

    Of course the lack of education and inbreeding aren't helping either.

  18. x111e7thst

    Locals are just pissed because the Medicare has been clamping down on bogus Oxycontin scripts and a series of suspicious lab fires has precipitated a steep rise in the price of meth.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's still my all-time favorite Johnny Damon poster.

      "Each figure represents a symbol…" You get to guess about what symbol, then you get to guess what the symbol symbolizes, then you get to do this for every figure, then you get to gusss why the fuck any of therm are there in the first place. So yeah, it leaves room for interpretation. (I've got George Steinbrenner and Mo Rivera figured out, and I know Jeter is in there somewhere, but so far that's all I've got.)

    2. Negropolis

      Geezus needz moar Arabesque features in that onez, and also needs to be about 5'5" at best.

  19. mookwrthwilson

    ""We support what we feel is right four our citizens," said Cassidy, who like most of the government leaders and local law enforcement, grew up in the community."

    Did the writer grow up there? Nice proofreading.

    1. SilverTsunami

      No, he means there are four citizens in the town. They're going to take turns standing around the installation.

    2. ChapterUndVerse

      I'm sure somewhere in the Bill of Rights is a statement asserting the importance of emo over revised statutes.

  20. Guppy06

    “The people here enjoy it. We should have that freedom, but they’re taking our freedom away daily.”

    … he said while wearing a poly-blend shirt and eating a hot dog…

  21. Steverino247

    They hate their government, except when it gives them their religious holidays off from work with pay. Assholes.

  22. JustPixelz

    Right wingers blame everything on the First Amendment.

    As usual, they argue that "everyone" wants the commandments and homily to God officially associated with their courthouse. If majority rule is the only real standard, we don't need the Bill of Rights. A majority can enact mandatory church attendance, or outlaw a political party, or confiscate guns. All of those would pass somewhere. The Bill of Rights is for things that are unpopular.

  23. Steverino247

    How about these little known commandments:

    Always wipe front to back.

    Look both ways before crossing.

    You can always improve your position.

    Your step-daughter does not need you to teach her about "real love."

    And so on…

  24. NewtsUndies

    I don't give a turd about some Florida shithole but I just signed up to Wonkette and wanted to say hi. And, of course, snark snark snark.

  25. ttommyunger

    Add one prohibiting buttsecks with yer sister and that fucker would be gone in a NY Minute!

  26. BZ1

    When the 1956 version of the movie, "The 10 Commandments" came out, smart cookie, producer/director Cecil B. DeMille (he also helmed the earlier 1923 silent of the same name) had copies of the monument placed all over the US as part of the marketing campaign and of course, now the after effects are that the rubes somehow believe these edifices are connected to religion (well, the religion of the big buck, maybe….)

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