Is everyone clutching a bottle of Advil in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other? Does it matter which hand is holding which? NO! Tonight we will watch all 83 GOP presidential candidates stand together on a stage in Ames, Iowa and real-life Twitter incomplete sentences with all the fury of James Joyce on an amphetamine binge TIMES ONE HUNDRED at one another in order to win America’s eternal disdain. Who will be the winner? Tim Pawlenty, if his place at the lectern has not been replaced by a rusty stop sign before the end of the debate. HERE WE GO!
11:03 – AND WOW THAT WAS THAT. Who won? Uh… Sasha Obama? She was the only person we did not see screaming on stage. Tim Pawlenty, it was nice meeting you, but not! For anyone still sober enough to read these words, we are very sorry you cannot afford booze. GOOD NIGHT.
11:01 – Jon Huntsman is so sorry that America has cancer. Really, he’s very sorry.
11:00 – Michele Bachmann: “I am so tired I can no longer speak. PRAGOBAMA GRRR IOWA.” And Pawlenty comes back from the penalty box to do his best Ronald Reagan impression.
10:59 – Congressman Ron Paul’s closing statement: “I AM SO OLD. GOD. MONEY. LIBERTY. NO WARS. I AM OVERHEATING. GAH.”
10:56 – The Fox News debate producers just started to turn off the lights in the debate hall while Herman Cain was speaking. They are as bored as everyone else. “OH WHAT, this is still going on? Oh, shit. Sorry, our bad. Yeah, we’ll leave the lights on a few more minutes, whatever.”
10:54 – It’s hard to tell, but it looks like there is some guy sitting in the background of Brett Baier’s camera who is wearing sunglasses and a dinosaur hat. We will be voting for that guy.
10:48 – Newt Gingrich is against switching to the gold standard. How about a DIAMOND STANDARD, huh?
10:47 – WAKE UP NEWT, there is another question for you. Oh, monetary policy. We just fell asleep.
10:40 – Mitt Romney would like to privatize unemployment benefits. Otherwise known as a “job.”
10:38 – Fox News makes fun of the cranky debaters on Twitter: “Commercial breaks allow candidates to take out mouth guards and rinse. #gopdebate”
10:35 – OH YAWN Rick Santorum “will have to marry all of his children the next time gays marry” or whatever.
10:29 – Michele Bachmann cannot shoot these lasers out of her eyes hard enough. When she said she “submits” to her husband, she was not talking about her sex life. The correct euphemism for living in abstinence with your gay husband is “respect,” says Michele.
10:27 – Newt Gingrich is against this “The New York Times bomber” from Pakistan.
10:22 – The Fox News talking heads speaking during the break on the livestream: “The only person who looks presidential tonight is Barack Obama.” Let us check what livestream we are watching, because that does not sound right.
10:20 – Wow. When did Ron Paul become the most sane person in the room? “Government should not assassinate its citizens.” We are writing him a check.
10:15 – There is Rick Santorum. He has something to say about “Afghanistanians.” He wars them in his wet dreams.
10:14 – Ron Paul is defending Iran’s right to own nuclear weapons. I’m Ron Paul, and I invented hippies.
10:13 – Governor Pawlenty, would you eat food with a fork like President Obama, or just mash the meat with your thumbs? THERE SHOULD NOT BE A THREE STOOGES MOVIE ABOUT ISRAEL.
10:10 – Rick Santorum was also abducted from this debate. Or possibly he wasn’t, but there is no way of knowing because we saw him once maybe an hour ago. Jon Huntsman suggests that the Chinese may have taken him. Good try, China. Keep him.
10:09 – Newt Gingrich’s definition of “gotcha” question is just any question he doesn’t want to answer. He will flail his arms to prove his point.
10:06 – 5% fewer fake humans responded “yes” to the FoxNews.com question “should we withdraw from Afghanistan?” after hearing Tim Pawlenty speak.
10:03 – Michele Bachmann was recovered from outer space, and she does not regret making out with Sarah Palin in college.
10:01 – MICHELE BACHMANN WAS ABDUCTED OR NO SHE WAS RAPTURED, hahaha everyone else is doomed.
9:57 – Rick Santorum: “Abraham Lincoln said we are a nation that was built on a moral enterprise. And states don’t have the right to tramp over those.” Slavery/Civil War/ Gay marriage, same thing. Rick Santorum will lead your civil war against the gays.
9:57 – Oh the Paultards in the crowd are all riled up now. Screaming “PAUL U ROCK” like this is a KISS concert or something.
9:55 – Is it creepy or what to keep watching “The Examiner” logo on the background next to Michele Bachmann’s vacant space lizard impression? EXAMINE MY HEAD. EXAMINE ME.
9:50 – Fact check: Tim Pawlenty left Minnesota with a $6.2 billion budget deficit. Is that relevant? No.
9:49 – Is Ronald Reagan’s corpse watching this debate from hell? Ronald Reagan: “UNNNNNGGGGHHH ME LOVE NEWT GINGRICH SKINNY TIE.”
9:46 – Hahahahaha this joke will never get old. Rick Santorum said, “exploded.”
9:45 – We have reached an Important Conclusion that a Bachmann/Pawlenty road trip sitcom is the movie that America needs. OH WOAH all the fighting. Gettin all Jerry Springer in here now. BOOOOOOS. CLAP CLAP CLAP. BOOOOS.
9:43 – Michele Bachmann: “You can get money wrong, you can’t get life wrong.” Tim Pawlenty responds: “What’s wrong with that answer is that answer.” Is this debate even being conducted in English?
9:42 – There is total silence in the audience as Tim Pawlenty speaks. Everyone has fallen asleep in the last 20 seconds.
9:40 – Mittens’ voice is so silky. His hair is very silky tonight, too. Is that the Mormon glow or is that just us?
9:36 – Herman Cain explains the fundamentals of comedy to his Fox News audience. “Alligators trying to eat illegal immigrants is pretty funny.”
9:33 – There is now a new moderator, some lady from Law and Order.
9:29 – Chris Wallace to Jon Hunstman: “How many times a week do you have sex with Barack Obama, and does that disqualify you from running as a Republican?” Jon: “I’m proud of that. Lots of people want to have sex with Obama, including you.”
9:27 – Chris Wallace to Newt Gingrich: “How does it feel not to have any friends at all?” Newt: “Chris, you are very ugly.”
9:23 – Mittens is using his phone sex voice tonight.
9:21 – Minnesota Nice is slowly being torn to shreds on this stage. OH BAM TIM PAWLENTY “Michele Bachmann might have a titanium spine, but she has never produced any results whatsoever, and it’s killing us.” You left out the Nazi reference, Tim. MICHELE BACHMANN LOVES HITLER. Just say that next time.
9:20 – Michele Bachmann responds to a question about “what have you ever done in Congress” by listing all the less insane accomplishments of Tim Pawlenty. She’s good at this game.
9:16 – Does Brett Baier’s head sort of look like a white Milk Dud with a toupee sitting on top?
9:13 – Tim Pawlenty promises to serve arsenic cookies and mow the lawns of everyone in America who hates Obama enough to eat Pawlenty’s arsenic cookies. Except Mitt Romney, not him. SNAP.
9:12 – Newt Gingrich! He is shaking his noggin and folding his hands over his lectern a lot. Very psycho librarian-ish.
9:08 – Ron Paul is stumped. “Does divided Congress work?” “Uh, militarism is the answer.”
9:05 – We are switching to whiskey. Wink Martindale is also at this debate, dressed in Michele Bachmann Mitt Romney drag, calling Obama a one-term president.
9:01 – WOAH YOUR WONKETTE COMPUTER is the winner if it makes it through this debate. CRASHES EVERYWHERE.