the death of civility

Liveblogging the Ames GOP Presidential Devil Clown Anger Match

ORGY IN HELLIs everyone clutching a bottle of Advil in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other? Does it matter which hand is holding which? NO! Tonight we will watch all 83 GOP presidential candidates stand together on a stage in Ames, Iowa and real-life Twitter incomplete sentences with all the fury of James Joyce on an amphetamine binge TIMES ONE HUNDRED at one another in order to win America’s eternal disdain. Who will be the winner? Tim Pawlenty, if his place at the lectern has not been replaced by a rusty stop sign before the end of the debate. HERE WE GO!

11:03 – AND WOW THAT WAS THAT. Who won? Uh… Sasha Obama? She was the only person we did not see screaming on stage. Tim Pawlenty, it was nice meeting you, but not! For anyone still sober enough to read these words, we are very sorry you cannot afford booze. GOOD NIGHT.

11:01 – Jon Huntsman is so sorry that America has cancer. Really, he’s very sorry.

11:00 – Michele Bachmann: “I am so tired I can no longer speak. PRAGOBAMA GRRR IOWA.” And Pawlenty comes back from the penalty box to do his best Ronald Reagan impression.

10:59 – Congressman Ron Paul’s closing statement: “I AM SO OLD. GOD. MONEY. LIBERTY. NO WARS. I AM OVERHEATING. GAH.”

10:56 – The Fox News debate producers just started to turn off the lights in the debate hall while Herman Cain was speaking. They are as bored as everyone else. “OH WHAT, this is still going on? Oh, shit. Sorry, our bad. Yeah, we’ll leave the lights on a few more minutes, whatever.”

10:54 – It’s hard to tell, but it looks like there is some guy sitting in the background of Brett Baier’s camera who is wearing sunglasses and a dinosaur hat. We will be voting for that guy.

10:48 – Newt Gingrich is against switching to the gold standard. How about a DIAMOND STANDARD, huh?

10:47 – WAKE UP NEWT, there is another question for you. Oh, monetary policy. We just fell asleep.

10:40 – Mitt Romney would like to privatize unemployment benefits. Otherwise known as a “job.”

10:38 – Fox News makes fun of the cranky debaters on Twitter: “Commercial breaks allow candidates to take out mouth guards and rinse. #gopdebate”

10:35 – OH YAWN Rick Santorum “will have to marry all of his children the next time gays marry” or whatever.

10:29 – Michele Bachmann cannot shoot these lasers out of her eyes hard enough. When she said she “submits” to her husband, she was not talking about her sex life. The correct euphemism for living in abstinence with your gay husband is “respect,” says Michele.

10:27 – Newt Gingrich is against this “The New York Times bomber” from Pakistan.

10:22 – The Fox News talking heads speaking during the break on the livestream: “The only person who looks presidential tonight is Barack Obama.” Let us check what livestream we are watching, because that does not sound right.

10:20 – Wow. When did Ron Paul become the most sane person in the room? “Government should not assassinate its citizens.” We are writing him a check.

10:15 – There is Rick Santorum. He has something to say about “Afghanistanians.” He wars them in his wet dreams.

10:14 – Ron Paul is defending Iran’s right to own nuclear weapons. I’m Ron Paul, and I invented hippies.

10:13 – Governor Pawlenty, would you eat food with a fork like President Obama, or just mash the meat with your thumbs? THERE SHOULD NOT BE A THREE STOOGES MOVIE ABOUT ISRAEL.

10:10 – Rick Santorum was also abducted from this debate. Or possibly he wasn’t, but there is no way of knowing because we saw him once maybe an hour ago. Jon Huntsman suggests that the Chinese may have taken him. Good try, China. Keep him.

10:09 – Newt Gingrich’s definition of “gotcha” question is just any question he doesn’t want to answer. He will flail his arms to prove his point.

10:06 – 5% fewer fake humans responded “yes” to the question “should we withdraw from Afghanistan?” after hearing Tim Pawlenty speak.

10:03 – Michele Bachmann was recovered from outer space, and she does not regret making out with Sarah Palin in college.

10:01 – MICHELE BACHMANN WAS ABDUCTED OR NO SHE WAS RAPTURED, hahaha everyone else is doomed.

9:57 – Rick Santorum: “Abraham Lincoln said we are a nation that was built on a moral enterprise. And states don’t have the right to tramp over those.” Slavery/Civil War/ Gay marriage, same thing. Rick Santorum will lead your civil war against the gays.

9:57 – Oh the Paultards in the crowd are all riled up now. Screaming “PAUL U ROCK” like this is a KISS concert or something.

9:55 – Is it creepy or what to keep watching “The Examiner” logo on the background next to Michele Bachmann’s vacant space lizard impression? EXAMINE MY HEAD. EXAMINE ME.

9:50 – Fact check: Tim Pawlenty left Minnesota with a $6.2 billion budget deficit. Is that relevant? No.

9:49 – Is Ronald Reagan’s corpse watching this debate from hell? Ronald Reagan: “UNNNNNGGGGHHH ME LOVE NEWT GINGRICH SKINNY TIE.”

9:46 – Hahahahaha this joke will never get old. Rick Santorum said, “exploded.”

9:45 – We have reached an Important Conclusion that a Bachmann/Pawlenty road trip sitcom is the movie that America needs. OH WOAH all the fighting. Gettin all Jerry Springer in here now. BOOOOOOS. CLAP CLAP CLAP. BOOOOS.

9:43 – Michele Bachmann: “You can get money wrong, you can’t get life wrong.” Tim Pawlenty responds: “What’s wrong with that answer is that answer.” Is this debate even being conducted in English?

9:42 – There is total silence in the audience as Tim Pawlenty speaks. Everyone has fallen asleep in the last 20 seconds.

9:40 – Mittens’ voice is so silky. His hair is very silky tonight, too. Is that the Mormon glow or is that just us?

9:36 – Herman Cain explains the fundamentals of comedy to his Fox News audience. “Alligators trying to eat illegal immigrants is pretty funny.”

9:33 – There is now a new moderator, some lady from Law and Order.

9:29 – Chris Wallace to Jon Hunstman: “How many times a week do you have sex with Barack Obama, and does that disqualify you from running as a Republican?” Jon: “I’m proud of that. Lots of people want to have sex with Obama, including you.”

9:27 – Chris Wallace to Newt Gingrich: “How does it feel not to have any friends at all?” Newt: “Chris, you are very ugly.”

9:23 – Mittens is using his phone sex voice tonight.

9:21 – Minnesota Nice is slowly being torn to shreds on this stage. OH BAM TIM PAWLENTY “Michele Bachmann might have a titanium spine, but she has never produced any results whatsoever, and it’s killing us.” You left out the Nazi reference, Tim. MICHELE BACHMANN LOVES HITLER. Just say that next time.

9:20 – Michele Bachmann responds to a question about “what have you ever done in Congress” by listing all the less insane accomplishments of Tim Pawlenty. She’s good at this game.

9:16 – Does Brett Baier’s head sort of look like a white Milk Dud with a toupee sitting on top?

9:13 – Tim Pawlenty promises to serve arsenic cookies and mow the lawns of everyone in America who hates Obama enough to eat Pawlenty’s arsenic cookies. Except Mitt Romney, not him. SNAP.

9:12 – Newt Gingrich! He is shaking his noggin and folding his hands over his lectern a lot. Very psycho librarian-ish.

9:08 – Ron Paul is stumped. “Does divided Congress work?” “Uh, militarism is the answer.”

9:05 – We are switching to whiskey. Wink Martindale is also at this debate, dressed in Michele Bachmann Mitt Romney drag, calling Obama a one-term president.

9:01 – WOAH YOUR WONKETTE COMPUTER is the winner if it makes it through this debate. CRASHES EVERYWHERE.

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  1. Callyson

    Mittens has the gall to talk about being in the private sector and knowing about job creation? How many recommendations for downsizing did he make at Bain Capital again?

    1. emmelemm

      If there's one thing Mittens has shown the last couple days, it's that he's got a lot of gall. An overabundance.

    2. mumbly_joe

      And -and mind you, I could be wrong, as I was only reading the closed captions at a bar where I was drinking with other liberals and snarking loudly- it looked like Frothy Mix similarly had the gall to mention Iran's oppression of women and gays alongside the myriad other excuses he gave for starting a new war we can't afford and would never win.

      For those of you keeping score at home: the oppression of sexual minorities that Santorum wants to write into the law: Good. When Iran does it? Bad. Presumably for some reason other than "they're Brown people", but it's pretty unclear what.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      If you vote for anyone of these people, you really have voted in a face ripping monkey.

      1. Barb

        True story Soros, my daughters little baby contracted an e coli infection this week. I did something I never do, I hit the floor on my knees and prayed to God to let Ainsley be okay. I promised God anything and then I started adding stuff at the end. "except I won't vote for Bachmann, Palin, Newt…." and then I stood up and switched my faith to the doctor who is treating her and pretended that I didn't pray.

          1. Callyson

            I promised God anything and then I started adding stuff at the end. "except I won't vote for Bachmann, Palin, Newt…."
            And now the kid is getting better…God has spoken

          2. jus_wonderin

            Glad it all worked out, Barb. Wow, that must have been scary. Loved the "except I won't vote" part!!!

  2. FakaktaSouth

    Wow. Mitt sucks. Already. Blah blah lies, Obama's fault, lies. Private Sector fap fap.
    But, saying Mittness Protection program to his face is pretty great.

  3. smashaduck

    'Cause Fox viewers started barking at the door. My dog, however, knew it wasn't the fucking doorbell.

    1. Callyson

      Which one?
      Oh, you mean the non – closeted one? FOX sent him to the doghouse. Probably to eat Obama's dog food.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        To the tune of the MTM Show theme song:

        "Ghey is all around, why don't you taste it
        Santorum's dripping down, now don't you waste it
        We're going to make it after all!"

    1. Ken Cuccinelli

      OH it wasn't the other iCarly? The one that destroyed HP and ran on a platform of printer ink for everyone in Caleeforniuh?

    1. smashaduck

      It's been nice knowing you. Ooh if you have a macbook, write me into the will before you finish the bottle ten minutes from now.

    2. soojank

      my plan was every time one of them suggests "cutting taxes to job creators"… but that works too

    3. PristinePantalones

      It's been nice, dood. Hope you have a little milk thistle handy. I understand it's often used to reverse liver toxicity.

  4. OurHoboSenator

    Being a Democrat sucks most of the time, but watching this makes me really thankful I don't have to vote in the Republican primary next year…

  5. widget2011

    I'm clutching a bottle of percoset in one hand, an a combonation of valium and vicodin in the other, to keep my head from exploding, like on the movie "Scanners".

      1. x111e7thst

        i'd like to be on codeine but I couldn't get any so I'm taking Secobarb and contemplating a bottle of vodka.

        1. Limeylizzie

          I have loads of it, I had two root canals done and one got infected and I was out of town so my dentist kept prescribing codeine along with the anti-biotics and I never used it, so I stockpiled!

          1. widget2011

            Percoset (Oxycodone) & Vicodin (Hydrocodone) both contain variants of codiene, I prefer Percoset because it does not cloud my thinking as much as vicodin does. If I was forced to watch the Rupublican debate, I'd have to consider hydrogen cyanide, I keed, I keed. It kind of reminds me of Pink Floyd's In the Flesh, you know, the Nazi version (which was pure sarcasm & hyperbole), which is what most people believe, except for Glenn Beck (Who thinks they were being literal (serious). I got a spinal fusion, on the C-6, from falling out of a tree of all things.

  6. Callyson

    Gingrinch is asked why he should get the nod, and talks about divided government? Not the message the rabid NO COMPROMISE base wants to hear…

  7. OurHoboSenator

    My stinky rec league hockey equipment is drying out next to the TV. It's like I'm watching T-Paw in Smell-o-Vision.

      1. PristinePantalones

        I was thinking of somebody's little fart of a yappy dawg, but "pet turtle" sounds good.

  8. lefty74

    The turd in the punchbowl that looks and sounds the most presidential?
    Newt! Talk about a worlds tallest leprechaun contest.

    1. widget2011

      I'm sure your being figurative, because short round is literally a mental giant, compared to the rest of the field, who are figurativly "mental midgets". I still hate his guts because of his "Contract on America", which helped accelerate a lot of the problems we are facing today,and the fact that he cheats on every wife he's ever had. Also he was getting illicit blojobs, while trying to impeach Bill Clinton for getting illicit blojobs.

      I also hate him because he is a big pulsating penis.

      1. PristinePantalones

        I would dispute the "big." A multi-million dollar revolving account at Tiffany's definitely speaks of overcompensation.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Even better would be Russian Roulette with one bullet in the chamber for each time they said "FREEDOM."

  9. Callyson

    First urge to hit my TV set with Santorum going on about his hometown.
    My home state of PA deserves better…

  10. Nothingisamiss

    I did not know that lots of you in middle America went to China and other Asain countries. Did you have a good time?

    1. PristinePantalones

      Harmony times do I have to tell you guys? "Rich, white, Republican male" = "flag pin not required."

    1. PristinePantalones

      He can see it all slipping away, and he's starting to smell of quiet desperation because he knows he can't fix it, he doesn't know what to do. My schaden freudeth over.

  11. Nothingisamiss

    I like that they're beginning to take (ridiculous) shots at each other. Retards meet kettle.

    1. PristinePantalones

      So does the rest of America, pretty much. I mean, the fundraising numbers are scary (for Republicans) despite the super-PACs. Largest amt raised by Repubs – $18 mil (Romney; includes $$ from his own coffers); Largest amt raised by Dems – $86 mil (Obama, less than a month after announcing). This despite the endless drumbeat of how blacks are turned off by him, Jews hate him for his stance on Israel, he has turned his back on gays, who won't support him in the 2012 election, the unions are bitterly disappointed in him, and lefties and progressives will sit out the vote and refuse to fund him. Right. $86 mil worth of no-funding.

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        Pawlenty thought he was going to play nice-nice again tonight. Shelley just showed him where the nice-nice "bar" was. Right up his ass.

  12. Callyson

    Yes, Michele, the era of small government *is* over…ended under W with the PATRIOT act, if you'll recall…

  13. SorosBot

    So the open the live feed and the very first thing is Bachmann telling T-Paw he's just like Obama.

    And WTF is that about light bulbs?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Or Bismarck, who actually instituted universal health insurance in Germany 50 years before Hitler came to power.

  14. Callyson

    This is getting fun, actually…love the infighting. Never thought I'd say this, but…
    Thanks, FOX!

  15. OurHoboSenator

    I don't want to think about Michele Bachmann and the "tip of the spear"

    Now Marcus Bachmann, on the other hand…

  16. FakaktaSouth

    FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. T PAW going back up against Michele. If he'da said "It's not her spine, it's her crazy fucked up eyes" that woulda been better. And we wanted shed of you because YOU FUCKING SUCK YOU STUPID BITCH

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Well at least MIttens accounted for his accomplishments, which Bachmann needed *twice* prompting to stay on-topic. Still want to fact-check Mitt's unemployment rate claim though.

  17. Callyson

    Let me tell you how the free economy works. Those of us with money do what we can, those without suffer what they must…

  18. Mumbletypeg

    9:16 – Does Brett Baier’s head sort of look like a white Milk Dud with a toupee sitting on top?

    Well at least he's wearing a flag pin! I think?

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Yes, but it runs into the closest pig, and the pig runs off a cliff, and you lose a lot of pigs that way.

  19. Limeylizzie

    Ok, I don't drink or any of that stuff, but I do have some Codeine that my dentist gave me a couple of months ago, so I have taken two of those and am sitting in bed in my jammies and am feeling just about ready to switch from my imaginary gf, Rachel Maddow, to this hideous bunch of cunts.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Limey, you don't want to associate "bed" with this…….I'm sorry, you must drink the drug and move to another room.

        1. PristinePantalones

          You do realize that you're just *feeding* my fantasies, don't you? There's something rackingly sexy about a woman who can use "odalisque" correctly in a sentence.

  20. 4TheTurnstiles

    Hi Willard,

    You think you're the nominee. Maybe you are. But you're fucked, because you're a Mormon running for the President of the Bigot and Ugly Person Glory Jesus Convention and Jubilee. The fuck?

  21. chairwomanwow

    you know what's worse than watching this on teevee? watching the fox news live feed during the commercials.
    "its very tough to go negative on a woman" Is that an oral sex joke?

    1. Nothingisamiss

      God, no kidding. And what's with the bald guy's voice? He needs to cough up that hairball.

  22. Sharkey

    What is a liveblog? What channel is this on?
    Whatevs, just go on, you whippersnappers.
    Fox is showing "Show You Think You Can Dance", shit do I have to go to CSPAN?
    I don't have cable or satellite.

  23. Limeylizzie

    The commercials are fucking insane. That head of the Iowa Republicans makes me want to smash his face in with a pair of heels.

  24. Rotundo_

    There are just some things I won't watch. Usually I draw the line at cruelty to animals including humans, wanton violence and hate and stupidity. This bunch cross the line in all dimensions simultaneously. I cannot believe that the wealthy in this country cannot buy a better class of representation. The europeans do it with class, with flair or in the case of Berlusconi, slapstick sex comedy, but there is at least something mildly amusing about bunga bunga anyhow. These assholes are just cheesy half assed semi professional grifters. America deserves better grifters than these.

    1. Negropolis

      I don't mind watching the debates, 'cause it's just fools making fun of other fools. I won't watch interviews of Republican candidates where softball questions are thrown and they are allowed to seriously prosthelytize. But, I really don't mind the debates. They are an entertainment; they are a legitimate circus.

    2. LiveToServeYa

      This is especially ironic since America is the birthplace of Grifterism or where did all our snake oil come from?

    1. Rotundo_

      It is butchering Six Sigma, one of those glorious business jargon laden ideas where you analyze a system and look for ways to make it more responsive to the people it serves. I theory it is the customers of the company undertaking Six Sigma. I don't think it means whatever these idiots are saying, unless they are analyzing how to completely rape the public sector and turn us into the movie "Brazil". If that's the case they may be right, but if they are thinking that government is like a business and applying business principles to it (in terms of cost saving as opposed to service improvement) these assholes will never figure it out. Republicans are great at being the loyal opposition, but they flat out suck at governing since they hate government in the first place. Voting for them is like hiring John Wayne Gacey as your baby sitter. Efficient, but not going to maintain the health of their charge for long.

      1. SorosBot

        I think I remember Six Sigma on an episode of 30 Rock; it was ridiculous, and I assumed Tina Fey made it up.

        1. Rotundo_

          GE is one of the biggest worshippers at the Six Sigma altar. Truth be told, in a manufacturing setting (where Toyota refined much of the dogma of it all) it can work wonderfully. It can do great things in making processes more streamlined and in reducing waste (of time and effort and material). But government is not a business and while it can use the methodology, the realities of a government and a company are different. That is why MBA presidents are not necessarily a good idea.

          1. ShaveTheWhales

            Precisely — six sigma is a catchy shorthand for TQM or TQC or several other names for integrated design and process control — the methodology that the Japanese used to take the lead in quality manufacturing in the 70s and 80s (though it was invented by an American, it wasn't adopted by US companies until they'd had their asses roundly kicked).

            The thing is, it is a control methodology for MANUFACTURING processes and designs. It can indeed do great things in making better products more cheaply.

            It is so successful that there has been a natural tendency to try to apply it to non-manufacturing activities. There is very little evidence that it produces substantial results in such cases. This is fundamentally due to the statistical nature of the methodology.

            Anyone who cites "six sigma" as a magic wand to fix service industries (such as government) can immediately be identified as someone who does not understand the methodology, and doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about.

          2. Chet Kincaid

            What is this "manufacturing" of which you speak? Is that when you arrange the pickles on the shitburger, or when the Barista spurts the moneyshot on top of the cappucino? Because the stork apparently brings all the hard goods to America.

          3. PristinePantalones

            "Not necessarily"? Given our experience of MBA presidents, I'd say they've pretty much proved themselves to be a resoundingly bad idea.

      2. glamourdammerung

        Republicans are great at being the loyal opposition

        Uhm, I must have missed that in between the screeching about "Second Amendment Solutions".

    1. PristinePantalones

      You just know that whenever these rightwingers screech about this that they're envisioning themselves being in charge of "auditing" said package. They will weigh it in their hands, they will measure it with their mouths, they will beg for a slap on each cheek in order to best gauge its qualities, they …

      Right, what were we on about, then?

  25. Nothingisamiss

    Oh God, I do hate that smug m-fckr Chris Wallace, but this is really funny to see him turn his smug shit questions to the repugs.

  26. chairwomanwow

    "When you love your cuntry, you service her."
    Huntsman! christ! More oral sex. This whole debate is about giving it to America in her ladyparts.

  27. chascates

    So basically rich people are the backbone of this country, the unfortunates responsible for their own misery, and tax cuts for corporations and the wealthy the panacea Jesus and the Founders would want?

    Shorthand: She's a witch! BURN HER!!!!

  28. GuanoFaucet

    Herman Caine would like you to know about the things that he has learned recently. These things will later be proven wrong, of course, and he will have to go and learn some new things.

  29. SorosBot

    John Huntsman, you've made statements indicating that you might not hate all Latinos; this is very disturbing.

  30. Callyson

    WHAT?!? Huntsman is not going to talk about anything else until the unsecurable border is secured?
    Well, that would spare us from hearing his opinions on other matters, so that works for me…

  31. Mumbletypeg

    Huntsman is sneaking in talking points around the question at hand. . ."When" elected President…" He's a stealth rhetoritician at the least, not even HIDING his grifter colors at best.

      1. PristinePantalones

        And who can blame them, given our unending fascination with war, torture, and persecution of various people?

  32. Callyson

    Thanks, Mittens, but I'd rather crack down on employers who outsource jobs to lower and lower wage nations…

  33. BlueStateLibel

    You must all have stomachs like iron to be watching this one. Many extra pee points tonight.

  34. Limeylizzie

    Herman Cain looks as if he likes really, nasty, dirty, perverted sex…and that is the only good thing I can say about him.

  35. hollywooddood

    When are they going to get to the important stuff like defunding radio stations and gay weddings?

  36. SorosBot

    Last time Cain was misquoted, this time he was only kidding. Has the man ever meant anything he's ever said?

    Oh, and the Constitution prohibits the states from making immigration laws, dumbass.

  37. FakaktaSouth

    There are some bitchy twats up there and Michele is being the biggest dick. Neat.
    They are all trying to be cunty like SP though, so she should be proud.
    I thought the illegal immigrant thing was kind of working itself out, no?
    ALso, WHO is going to build the fence, and WITH WHAT MONEY? SPENDING SPENDING SPENDING. That's all these people wanna do.

  38. Limeylizzie

    What is with Newty and the smug, sideways glance? He also has very short arms, that has to be a curse.

    1. PristinePantalones

      I don't know if I'll ever be able to listen to Tom Waits again. Thanks, Lizzie. Thanks a lot. Or should I be thanking Teh Newtered?

  39. Callyson

    Glad Newt does not want to move anyone to CA's border…we've got enough problems in the Golden State…

  40. chairwomanwow

    He could ram through Obamacare, but he couldn't ram through Latinos. And then he didn't clean up after himself

    1. AJWjr.

      Yeah, me either. They fucked up running it against Rachel, to whom I am eternally loyal. Like a puppy. A gay puppy.

  41. FakaktaSouth

    I fought against that tax, and then I voted for that tax, because taxes, abortion. And then TPaw calls her out. Damn I am LOVING these two.

  42. Callyson

    This debate is giving a whole new meaning to Minnesota Nice…it's nice to watch the GOP infighting…

    1. PristinePantalones

      I wish she would. I'm actually betting she'll *bite* them off, once she finds them. T-Paw looks like he might have mastered the art of having them climb back into the abdomen, though.

      1. PristinePantalones

        One of the things that could definitely unite us as a nation: an overweening abhorrence for Santorum.

  43. Callyson

    Yes, Ricky, we need to put more money in the economy…and when the bankers and the private sector do not do that, government does, by a real stimulus, you idiot…

  44. FakaktaSouth

    FUCKING AWESOME. 10 to 1 and still no. That kinda shows how serious they are about deficit reduction. David Frum is losing his fucking mind.

  45. Nothingisamiss

    Ok, my head exploded because I do agree that the "supercommittee" is a dumb idea. Newt, I still think you're a douche.

  46. Callyson

    My dog is looking at me with an expression that says "These people don't really exist, do they?"

  47. smashaduck

    Seriously…we haven't had a "Reagan" in what, 3 minutes? No wonder these cretins hate everyone but crazy eyes.

  48. SorosBot

    Mittens: my health reform is different from Obama's because of state's rights.

    And Bachmann's never heard of car insurance I guess.

      1. KenLayIsAlive

        If only more American Patriots would choose not to get stitches when they receive gaping wounds. We don't have a healthcare crisis, we have an "Oh, oh, wittle itty baby wants to live" crisis.

  49. Callyson

    Michele, if HCR were truly setting the price of healthcare, it would *not* have left control of providing healthcare to the freaking insurance companies.
    Terrifying to think that people will actually believe what she says…

  50. Doktor Zoom

    Ron Paul likes the free market! Rick Santorum will protect us from state-mandated sterilization!

  51. Callyson

    "We're going to talk about a couple of people who are not here tonight"
    Palin and Perry bashing in 3…2…1…

  52. SorosBot

    Which one of these people will misinterpret the constitution the worse?

    Ah, a break, I can refill my gin and tonic.

  53. GuanoFaucet

    Someone may have brought this up already, but the one moderator is more than a little Eddie Munster-ish. I wonder if he has a stuffed werewolf stashed under that desk.

  54. chairwomanwow

    "They are running for the highest office in the land, the debate should be about high things."
    seriously, legalize santorum.

  55. Doktor Zoom

    Is Rick Perry outsmarting us? Well, hell, Chris, a wet dishrag could outsmart us. We're not exactly a high-wattage group.

  56. chairwomanwow

    On Fox live feed right now they are all agreeing the Newt is the smartest person on the stage and that he has no hope of winning. A man named Newt. Speaking truth to power. Oh, god its getting to me folks. I dunno if I can handle the swimsuit portion of the event….

    1. PristinePantalones

      You're very brave, to put yourself in the line of fire like this. Posthumous honours will be granted.

  57. SorosBot

    It took over an hour to mention 9/11; I thought they'd never forget.

    And T-Paw takes a controversial pro-troops stand.

  58. Callyson

    Yeah, let's support the troops by our deeds, T – Paw…we can start by not cutting veteran's benefits so that we don't have to tax the rich…

  59. Negropolis

    People often complain about Fox's ridiculous tilt, but watching this debate reminds you that the production values of Fox shows and events are equally shitty. This fucking thing looks like public access.

    Michele Bachmann missing in action coming back from last commercial was priceless. It's the perfect representation of who she is a politician and where her brains are: MIA. Always.

  60. OurHoboSenator

    Afghanistan must earn their freedom in the free market like a real free market businessman like Mitt

  61. Callyson

    Mittens is questioning someone making a decision for political reasons? And he swung to the far right when running for president for…what reasons again?

  62. SorosBot

    Mittens: it's wrong for the President to act as the Commander-in-Chief instead of doing whatever the generals tell him.

  63. Doktor Zoom

    Definitely worth having the streaming comments turned on–the Paultards are out in force. It is amusing.

  64. Negropolis

    Newton is getting angry because he's being quoted verbatim, bless his fat little nugget of a heart.

  65. FakaktaSouth

    Hacking? Hacking? On Fox? Who approved this question??
    ALso, when he just said that about hacking happening on "personal levels" – no one in the FoxtardNation had a CLUE as to what he was referring.

  66. Doktor Zoom

    I'm John Huntsman, and I hope you are vaguely aware of my existence. Frankly, I was surprised to hear the moderator say my name. Thank you.

  67. Callyson

    Um, Huntsman is talking about the lack of dialogue between the US and China? What country was he ambassador for again?

  68. Negropolis

    John Huntsman is just too damned reasonable for that stage. I swear I'm expecting to hear a Mormon "gee golly" out of him before the nights out.

  69. SorosBot

    John Hunsman will give us a war on hacker. And he's decrying hacking private citizens on a network run by Rupert Murdoch.

  70. Negropolis

    T-Paw is so fucking stupid. Keanu Reeves has better acting chops than this kewpee doll-looking muthfucka.

  71. chairwomanwow

    It bogs down my 'puter, but the streaming comments are worth it. My fave:

    "Comment From Truthshallmakeus Free

    1. Radiotherapy®

      Way better than any other clown on that stage. Not saying much. Bad matzah balls, gefilte fish, Pizza talk.

  72. Negropolis

    Ha! Ron Paul gets the biggest cheer of the night: Bring our troops home! Paultards out in full force tonight, eh?

  73. smashaduck

    Seriously! Where the fuck is security???!?!!! Are the Paultards fucking breeding in that fucking upper deck?!!

  74. Negropolis

    Uh, oh! Some Paultard just literally went mad in the audience at Santorum.

    Santorum is getting pissed.

  75. SorosBot

    Santorum: I know the rules, but you guys haven't asked me any other questions so I'm gonna keep going!

    1. PristinePantalones

      The thing is, he makes great sense on a couple of narrow, specific issues. On everything else, especially his ties with the White Power nutcases, he's just as batshit insane as Michele BatGuanoInsaneMann.

  76. FakaktaSouth

    I gotta say, I'm kinda paultarded on foreign policy sometimes. Mind our own business. Precious.

    1. Negropolis

      I don't know, I think Santorum came off looking worse in the way he responded. The audience didn't seem to like it, that's for sure.

      1. Nostrildamus

        Being eminently unlikable is certainly an unusual political strategy, but that's Rick's game and he should run with it.

    1. PristinePantalones

      That's OK, he's a Real American Black Conservative on the Republican plantation. He's not gonna win anyway, might as well let him say what the hail ever he wants.

  77. Callyson

    Cain wants to use *all* of our energy resources? Well, we Californians don't want drilling on our coast, so forget that idea…

    1. PristinePantalones

      Hon, she has trouble "deciding" whether Marcus needs to prang her in the pink or the stink.

  78. Negropolis

    Silly Ron, and his love of the "rule of law," and actually trying people in courts of law and shit. Isn't he just precious, up there?

    OMG, Santorum just seriously derided Iran for persecuting gays. STFU.

  79. Limeylizzie

    Santorum is such a turd, more so than I had realised. Oh, wait he's in favour of Gay rights???

  80. BarackMyWorld

    Ok….I'm late to the party….what'd I miss?

    Everyone's crazy and the eventual nominee (you know I'm right) isn't even there?

    Yup, last hour of my life was better spent not watching this.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Hey, he thinks pinhead-sized fetii should not be "retraumatized" by being aborted after the rape or incest of their containers. Apparently the trauma of the containers is of no interest to him. So his concern for the rights of women in Iran must be because they're allowed to abort on demand there, or something.

  81. SorosBot

    Santorum and Paul now are the ones about to tear each other's heads off. I was right, it is a circular firing squad.

  82. FakaktaSouth

    Who is yelling at the Paultards? The SantorumLickers? PawlentyLovers? Bachmaniacs? I am seriously trying to figure this out.

  83. Doktor Zoom

    The Ron Paul Show is amusing. Oh boy, social issues next! FETUSES FOR EVERYBODY! YOU get a fetus! YOU get a fetus! YOU ALL GET FETUSES!!!!

  84. Doktor Zoom

    ROFL… Hans Moleman on sez "if tonight is about looking Presidential, then Barack Obama is doing very well tonight."

  85. Negropolis

    I want to punch Sanctorum in his fat head so badly. You don't fuck with Grandpa Paul; you let him talk, you roll your eyes, but you don't fucking attack him your frothy mix-head.

  86. Callyson

    Um, Newt, how many Nazis and Communists served in the USG?
    (And no, that doesn't count the Nazis in the Republican party…)

  87. Doktor Zoom

    Loyalty oaths for everyone! YOU get a loyalty oath! YOU get a loyalty oath! YOU ALL get loyalty oaths!

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Grin away, Mittens, Fakakta is right. The Southerners are not down with the magic underwear people.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Wasn't booting Muslims in the butt all LAST quarter enough for this guy? What is he, the biggest religious bigot on the planet? Here, Hermie — Mazie Hirono is a Buddhist and Fortney "Pete" Stark is an atheist. Go to town.

  88. SorosBot

    Cain: No I didn't mean I hate Mormons, I was just saying that all the other Southerners hate Mormons.

    I think this is the third time he's had to explain what he really meant in what he said before.

    1. Negropolis

      I love how they are actually quoting these bastards in context and making them own their comments.

        1. Negropolis

          I know what you mean. First, I can't believe I'm watching Fox for more than half-a-minute, and then second, they are actually asking them very good questions.

          1. Limeylizzie

            The insanity of the candidates, with the possible exception of Huntsman, is so great that the moderators seem fantastic by comparison.

  89. Callyson

    Huntsman has seven kids?
    His poor wife…
    …then again, I think I feel worse for Mrs Santorum…

    1. PristinePantalones

      Only five bio kids. The Huntsmans have two adopted children. This guy looks right from the outside, but his inside is, sadly, just as fucked up as the others'.

    1. Limeylizzie

      He has to be ashamed to be in such "august" company don't you think? He is a smart and seemingly decent man.

      1. PristinePantalones

        He only seems that way, love. As Governor of Utah, his response to polluters was a slap on the wrist (which is why he decries the EPA); understandably, since his father's company (which is where he gets his billions) is a major polluter. Google "Huntsman Odessa TX" for details. Also Google "Huntsman company jobs China" for information on Huntsman Chemicals' outsourcing of its production to China, where they can pollute far more freely, and have grown their business 59% as a result. He also supports the Ryan Plan, and is outspoken about the need to END Medicare.

          1. PristinePantalones

            I couldn't bear to think of *my* Limeylizzie possibly sharing some of that sweet, sweet lovin' with someone as undeserving as Huntsman.

  90. BarackMyWorld

    Romney's not helping the argument that he's not a flip-flopper with his anti-state rights marriage answer.

  91. SorosBot

    Paul, how can marriage be between a single man and a single woman? If they're married they're not single.

    1. PristinePantalones

      It's his chickenshit way of getting at both teh GHEY and hitting the Mormon candidates below the belt. What a jerk.

  92. Callyson

    Santorum wants to say you can't have 50 different state laws on marriage? Is he utterly unaware that we *do* have 50 different state laws on marriage?

  93. KenLayIsAlive

    Rick will fight to keep you from getting gay married. If that means he has to get naked and tackle two gay men in a pool of baby oil, he'll do it! He will! He's offering! Please!

  94. Negropolis

    "man-woman marriage"

    Michele, you are a national treasure. A gross, obnoxious, repugnant treasure.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Thereby lending sanction to the "man-man" and "woman-woman" marriages she so hates. Isn't she remarkable?

  95. smashaduck

    Wait, so if we kill the rapist then we can kill the fetus right? I'm totally fine with that actually.

  96. Callyson

    WHAT is Ricky going on about how? How the fuck is a fetus that was conceived via a rape violated *twice* if the woman has an abortion? Did the rapist rape the fetus or the woman?

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Maybe the fetus was a victim the first time because it had to be inside a woman's uterus after the woman got raped?

      Or Santorum is a fucking moron.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Well, that's gonna do a whole fucking lot for the state of health care in this country.

  97. OurHoboSenator

    Women who have been traumatized by rape shouldn't be traumatized again by abortion? Seriously, FUCK YOU, Ricky.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Snark off, I don't know why it has taken me 30 years of thinking about abortion to see that the main issue is NOT when a fetus becomes human, but that nobody should be FORCED to risk their life for months for someone else against their will. Not-quite-fully-human-ness just underlines that point.

  98. Mumbletypeg

    "big enough", Santorum-sanctimoniousness, our country should be, to embrace the well-being of human life BEYOND the fetal stage. Prove it, don't hide behind easy moralizing.

    1. PristinePantalones

      I can't believe I actually concur with this sentiment. I despise that stubby-fingered vulgarian.

  99. Callyson

    Oh God–individual unemployment savings accounts?
    Riiight…because people who are not making enough to get by even when they do have a job have lots of money to save up for the next GOP recession…

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I'm guessing he's not counting on unemployed people voting. Or employed people, for that matter.

  100. BarackMyWorld

    Shorter Romney: I believe the government shouldn't interfere in the economy, therefore let's replace Obama for not fixing the economy the government shouldn't be interfering in.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      It's more like conceptual douchebag art than actual discussion and ideas which make sense.

  101. Negropolis

    "EPA reign of terror"

    Et tu, Huntsman?

    BTW, damn if these questions aren't passive-aggressive as hell.

  102. SudsMcKenzie

    … wait a hold it Mittens, my unemployment account will now be my "own" funds?. ohhh, I'll be like my own corporation?

    1. Rarian Rakista

      Mitt has this insane idea that has been floating around that unemployment insurance should be privatized.

      Now imagine a major economic depression. Millions of people try to collect their insurance and boom every insurance company becomes insolvent just like when the credit default swaps came home to roost.

      1. SudsMcKenzie

        just give me everything i have ever paid into unemployment and there will be a Teddy Bear pick nick tomorrow.

  103. Callyson

    Yes, Huntsman, we need to make things in this country again…by not giving tax breaks to companies that outsource jobs…

    1. PristinePantalones

      He should know all about smoke billowing. Onto people of a darker shade, anyway. Google "Huntsman Odessa TX."

  104. Limeylizzie

    Fuck you Shelley, it's not a blank cheque if it has an amount on it, you dozy, wall-eyed cunt.

    1. PristinePantalones

      "Odalisque" on the one hand, and "dozy, wall-eyed cunt" on the other. I'm in heaven.

  105. FakaktaSouth

    The debt ceiling caused what, the stock market going down or up this week?
    OH MY GOD – We don't have an ability to pay our debt…
    ..BECAUSE OF FUCKTARDS LIKE MICHELE BACHMANN who want to stop us. Period.
    They are using S&P regardless of the facts, ain't they?

  106. Callyson

    No, Michele, S&P said we are incapable of coming together to solve the debt issue. Largely due to the unwillingness of Reeps to negotiate anything at all…

    1. PristinePantalones

      Actually, S&P flat-out stated that the Reeps' downplaying of the enormity of debt default was what caused the downgrade. Not that Michele will ever tell anyone that, of course.

  107. SorosBot

    It's easy to fix the debt, just cut those things, and those other things! Man Cain is incoherent.

  108. BarackMyWorld

    Cain: that idea will work this time because I'm the one proposing it, although I don't care if they actually do it or not.

  109. Callyson

    Cain: one tax cut is not enough…
    …wasn't there a trashy novel called "Once is Not Enough"? I seem to remember my mom would not let me read it…

  110. SorosBot

    ..and Cain goes right into tax cutting right after that. Which is it, tax cuts or eliminate the deficit? These are mutually exclusive.

  111. OneYieldRegular

    I watched 10 minutes of this until it hit me that every single one of the people on that stage is a bigot. So now I'm back to drinking in the dark.

      1. OneYieldRegular

        okay, fair enough – he wasn't on during my 10 minutes. Has he walked off the stage in disgust yet, by any chance?

  112. Doktor Zoom

    Abolish the Fed, go back to the gold standard, and get Americans growing their own survival seeds again

    1. FakaktaSouth

      He would also let folks grow their own weed (legally) As this is one of the top cash crops in my state already, I figure we might be on the weed standard pretty quickly here.

  113. salt_bagel

    It's been a while since there was a big Paultard hootenanny. Oh wait, here's some crap about the Fed.

  114. Negropolis

    Rick Santorum has the largest forehead I've seen in many moons. Good god if that puppy ain't the size of a small dog.

  115. Callyson

    Actually, Ricky, the Tea Party leadership = FOX News. They won't appreciate your comment on the people leading at all…that is, if they take it (or you) seriously…

  116. Doktor Zoom

    Whoohoo–there's a Paultard in the Fox comments saying 'if you don't vote for Ron Paul your a communist and should be deported to China"

    I love these guys

  117. Limeylizzie

    I love that word, I use it in my sex life and on Wonkette…differing reasons but similar results.

      1. PristinePantalones

        A cunt is a beautiful thing. Although Gropecunt Lane in London is perhaps not the best use of that beautiful word.

  118. BarackMyWorld

    There's an anti-Medicare cuts ad on right now. Because government shouldn't get to run Medicare. No kidding.

  119. Callyson

    No, Michele, the American people repeatedly said they wanted compromise and balance, including new revenues, in all the non – FOX polls…

  120. Limeylizzie

    What a load of cobblers this is, how can anyone in their right mind think that any of these Luddites could be a better President than Barry???

  121. Callyson

    "National media may not pay a lot of attention to us"
    RIcky, don't the people on your side of the aisle brag incessantly about FOX' ratings?

  122. Callyson

    So, Paul wants to work for liberty…by serving 35 years in government…which denies liberty according to him…
    I has a confuzed…

    1. DahBoner


      Who could have ever predicted that like any Republican pirate, Ron Paul is only after your booty?

  123. SorosBot

    Barack Obama has never worked in the real economy, Mittens? I guess working for a law firm and as a law school professor aren't "real" jobs.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Certainly, that can't compare with inheriting a fortune and "working" as a corporate raider.

      1. DahBoner

        "Certainly, that can't compare with inheriting a fortune"


        If you weren't born with a Silver Spoon in your mouth, you're not successful in the "real world"…

    2. PristinePantalones

      Well, unless you're the owner of some enormous raider firm like Bain Capital, you're not holding a REEL JERB. You know. It's just like REALAMERIKKKANZ(tm).

  124. Callyson

    Michele: Iowa can bring Obama's power to an end…
    …how many electoral votes does Iowa have again?

  125. BarackMyWorld

    The Iowa straw poll is going to end the Obama presidency?

    Michele Bachmann is soooo ridiculous.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Is Michele frothing again? Tossing Marcus' salad will do that to a woman, I suppose.

      1. Negropolis

        I was going to say Sarah Palin, because she expects to win everything off the backs and performances of everyone else.

    1. PristinePantalones

      I love animals, and would never hurt them in any way, although that has never stopped me from enjoying them on the dining table. And although I can profess neither love nor culinary interest in the current Republican presidential lineup, I wouldn't shed a tear if anyone KICKED THEIR COLLECTIVE NUTBAGS TO A FUCKING PULP.

      Ah, that feels so much better.

  126. Callyson

    Newt: the election is 15 months away…
    …as amusing as this freak show has been, 15 more months of this may yet make me insane…

  127. Mumbletypeg

    Your party's "crisis", Newt, is no viable Republi-contenders for the highest office in the land seem to have surfaced, as much as you all are trying.

  128. Nothingisamiss

    I may not get these last 2 hours of my life back, but I think I may have the drugs to forget they ever happened.

  129. Negropolis

    America can't be this stupid, you guys. God, please don't let America be this stupid come election time.

    10:59 – Congressman Ron Paul’s closing statement: “I AM SO OLD. GOD. MONEY. LIBERTY. NO WARS. I AM OVERHEATING. GAH.”</blockquotes>

    Thanks for this, Kirsten.

  130. salt_bagel

    And now Frank Luntz of the Luntz Global Luntzes will weigh in while wearing nine pounds of makeup.

  131. Callyson

    Somehow, I made it through the debate without drinking–loved the infighting–but this insipid post – debate commentary is intolerable. Off to the bar…bbl…

  132. FakaktaSouth

    Oh geez. I just got an eyeful of Sean Hannity and Frank Lutz in HighDef. That is some fucked up shit.
    Yee Haw motherfuckers – that was a trip (and totally worth the loss in p-ness size).
    AIght President Barack Obama, if you don't kick these cocksucking, imbecilic, evil-wrong dipshits in the face, I just don't know how much more I can take…

  133. Doktor Zoom

    I rather like that all 4 of the webcast commentators hated the debate format on their own network.

  134. Callyson

    Had to cleanse my TV after watching FOX, so I've switched to the Logo network. Re – Run of RuPaul's Drag U…perfect!

  135. SudsMcKenzie

    Someday, Wonkette will have the "dignity" to allow an editor to actually have cable TV and a (separate} working internet connection.

  136. snicker snack

    I did it! I clicked on the Kortney link. I totally expected to see delicious animals in horrific conditions. I did not expect that the first image in that video would be a saggy, pompous Paul McCartney. Why couldn't they have started with Kortney deep throating that cucumber?

    1. mumbly_joe

      I, for one, am shocked -SHOCKED!- that PETA would resort to such despicable bait-and-switch tactics to get people to click their ads. That seems so unlike them.

      Fortunately it did also prompt me to use the google to see if such a thing actually exists at all, and… here

  137. MozakiBlocks

    Over 500 comments? What the hell happened?

    Did God actually smite one of these fuckers live on stage?

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Best part for me was when they asked Ms. Bible Thumper Shelley if she really believed all the bullshit that's in there in regard to her possessing a pussy and the audience booed. SO. LOUDLY.

      1. El Pinche

        Sounds juicy ….that part of the debate not Shelley's pussy , of course. That vagina has been dried up and fused shut by the hands of time.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      You didn't miss anything interesting, save perhaps Newt's tiny t-rex arms flailing as he repeatedly calls "gotcha question"

  138. berkeleyfarm

    I was at a zoning meeting tonight with the usual cast of Berkeley characters, which surprisingly appears to have less likely to make me want to icepick my head.

    I can identify all of the Seven Dwarves with Snow-White Crazy-Eyes in the photo EXCEPT for the one in the upper right hand corner. Who dat?

    1. Negropolis

      City council meetings are the best local television, hands down. In my city, we had a woman that used to wear a tiara to every meeting while berating the council, and another woman used to come down clearly off her medication and so distracted by things in the air it was rather hard to watch her speak.

  139. SudsMcKenzie

    So "Hopey" wins cause he has "1 billion dollars", and then we all hope he can do stuff because this is his last election and his next decision is where the library is.

    So this is something. …. these other people.

  140. flamingpdog

    I only missed this because I was out all day looking for a polling place in Wisconsin to cast my vote in the recall election. The card in the mail did say the 11th.

  141. fuflans

    that graphic is pretty fucking awesome btw. even if michele looks way more natalie portman than she deserves.

  142. donner_froh

    The best way to experience these people writhing on the ground and speaking in tongues is through Wonkette comments after the fact than watching it live. My remaining shards of sanity thank the commentariat.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Heading out now. to the vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic roll on under the night, to watch the Perseid meteor shower and wipe these termites from my mind.

  143. ShaveTheWhales

    My thanks to the Wonkommenteers. I believe I've grasped the essential points of the debate (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) (1) in a quarter of the time (I did read all the comments), and (2) with far less danger to my sanity.

    HAHAHAHA. Essential points of debate. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Whatta buncha maroons.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Usually referred to as "imaginary horribles," but in this case, they were all too horribly real.

  144. finallyhappy

    Just read the comments and never looked at the debate. Thank you, Wonketteers for saving me the angst and pain of watching these morons.

  145. freakishlywrong

    625 comments! I can't and will not watch Fux, so I just read my way through that debacle. What an embarrassing spectacle. These are candidates for President of the United States for fucks sake.

  146. stew1

    "Wives, submit to they closeted gay husbands–be thou fabulous in their presence," Corinithians 5:Somthing.

  147. Suq Madiq

    K-Bo Jo deserves the rest of the year off for having to watch that for us. But I still need to read more than four posts up in here today.

  148. stew1

    Actually, we need more submissive women in congress–someone has to serve the snacks at those long, committee meetings.

    1. jus_wonderin

      OT: How is it you have 0 thumbs up when you just had 2? I thought we couldn't be downfisted anymore?? Argh. Mysterious-nous

  149. Oblios_Cap

    you couldn't have paid me enough to sit my corporate ass down and watch that clown show.

    Four more comments and we're, fittingly, at 666.

  150. Limeylizzie

    It's because I was raised by my dad with one older brother, so I am basically a teenaged boy with tits.

Comments are closed.