WHO SAYS MAGIC ISN'T REAL?  5:26 pm August 11, 2011

Christine O’Donnell Amazon Page Mostly Dildos and Witchcraft Books

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

everyone loves a dildo joke.What is this Internet Magick right here? The little Internet djinn are good-humored today and casting spells on Christine O’Donnell’s Amazon related products page for everyone’s amusement. This is apparently referred to as an “Amazon bomb,” but that just feels so military industrial. How about an “Amazon sorcery orgasm” or something a little less war-like and a little more, “we enjoyed that, thank you.” Is this possibly connected to the upcoming Christine O’Donnell’s audio book going on sale next week?

There is no other ostensible reason than to taunt Christine O’Donnell at this late stage of her pathetic career in attention-seeking, so sure, it’s probably that.

Uh, let’s see, here is a random excerpt from this eternal travesty:

All this fuss and bother over a blind date when I was a teenager, for goodness’ sake! It was all very innocent, and very weird, and nothing more. This guy shared some of his views with me, and that was pretty much that. I saw him a few times after that, and I did a bit of reading on paganism, because it was a time in my life when I was searching for my own footing, but I never signed on to this guy’s beliefs. I was curious, that’s all.

It is the The Catcher in the Rye for our time. [Amazon via Teagan Goddard]

 
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{ 100 comments }

gullywompr August 11, 2011 at 5:29 pm

What, no bush trimmer? I'll be right back…

gullywompr August 11, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Done and done.

Nostrildamus August 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm

The Black & Decker?

gullywompr August 11, 2011 at 5:54 pm

You betcha. Added a ladybug costume also too.

mrpuma2u August 11, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Win!

Fare la Volpe August 11, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Added a Sasquatch costume just in time for Halloween.

gullywompr August 11, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I couldn't find any Amazon products under "pudding-cup beard". Dang.

Fare la Volpe August 11, 2011 at 8:32 pm

That's my new favorite euphemism for bush. Danke.

gullywompr August 11, 2011 at 8:36 pm

You can thank Christine O'Donnell's complaining neighbors for that one.

smokefilleddoommate August 11, 2011 at 11:07 pm

If anyone sees A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting, that was me..

Sue4466 August 11, 2011 at 5:29 pm

The whole paganism thing, she was just Pan-curious.

Barb August 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

"….I was searching for my own footing…."
I never found my own footing and now I require donors to foot everything for me.

Gratuitous World August 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

when i think christine o'donnell + amazon, only one thing comes to mind.

gullywompr August 11, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Ecotourism?

elviouslyqueer August 11, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Push, push, in the bush?

EatsBabyDingos August 11, 2011 at 6:03 pm

pirhanna feeding?

HelmutNewton August 11, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Clearing the forest?

Angry_Marmot August 11, 2011 at 10:15 pm

O'Donnell / Xena / Wonder Woman slash fiction?

Crank_Tango August 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

God I miss her.

hagajim August 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Well – they do call it the Hitachi Magic Wand after all!

SorosBot August 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

I pity the poor reviewers who get forced to read this thing.

Pragmatist2 August 11, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Well, if "Ejaculoid" is what I think its is, she's got Santorum's support locked up.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 11, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Needs a Hello Kitty vibrator. Err, massager.
~

Chillwaver August 11, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Oh, man…this made my day. Just read some of the reviews:

"I would like to start by saying that of all the Japanese animated vibrators I have owned this was by far the most disappointing. The pink bow added no stimulation whatsoever and the ears were down right painful. After 5 completely unsatisfying uses I returned the item and went back to using my old friend pikachu. "

littlebigdaddy August 11, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Who knew?

Fare la Volpe August 11, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Talk about a Thundershocker.

Sharkey August 11, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I just wrote and submitted one, if you see something about a little river of cotton candy, that was me.

Chillwaver August 11, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Nicely done, my friend.

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 1:48 am

I thought the ears were painful too, but then I just turned it around, there are no sharp edges on the other end and I can see Kitty better like that!

Oh, you're good; you're real good.

johnnyzhivago August 11, 2011 at 5:34 pm

What, no signature brooms??? I mean Carly Fiorina had signature brooms, and she wasn't even a CERTIFIED witch.

samsuncle August 11, 2011 at 5:34 pm

"I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a witch, which is what I am, let's face it."

SayItWithWookies August 11, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I don't care how long it takes you, Christine — your fifteen minutes are up.

nounverb911 August 11, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Is there a link to Marcus Bachmannn's pray away the witchcraft clinics there?

Callyson August 11, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Want. Pipedreams Total Ecstasy Vibrator. Now. http://www.amazon.com/Pipedreams-Total-Ecstasy-Tr
brb…

Sharkey August 11, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Somebody needs to turn that into a glass bong.

Barb August 11, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I was just reading the tags for her book and next to "keeping America dumb, unkempt" etc. I added "Wonkateer's dream"

Chillwaver August 11, 2011 at 5:36 pm

"I am not an Amazon bestselling dildo. I am you."

– Christine O'Durrnell

metamarcisf August 11, 2011 at 5:39 pm

You guys have it backwards. What is pictured above is the real unhacked page. The hilarious hacked page, still up, recommends "Where's the Birth Certificate", "Righteous Indignation", Ann Coulter's "Demonic", and Bristol Palin's autobiography. Those nutty hackers sure have a sense of humor…

JP Ennui August 11, 2011 at 7:30 pm

There's no hacking, they're just tagging various items with her name.

Sue4466 August 11, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Wow, who knew Hello KItty & dildos had such a crossover market.

Really do learn something new every day.

Barrelhse August 11, 2011 at 6:36 pm

"Hello Klitty Dildos"?

Sue4466 August 11, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Click through to amazon. You're not wrong.

x111e7thst August 11, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Needs more Kortney Cucumbers.

Tundra Grifter August 12, 2011 at 2:46 pm

We ALL need more Kortney Kukes!

Radiotherapy® August 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm

The real magic is the fact that this washed up witch isn't in the hoosgow.

Eve8Apples August 11, 2011 at 5:45 pm

#6 looks like a foot-shaped vibrator. I've heard of putting your foot in your mouth but never putting your foot in your kooter.

Nostrildamus August 11, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Not a fan of Savage Love, eh?

Beowoof August 11, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Sounds as if it is a weird fisting variation.

Nostrildamus August 11, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Lucidamente1 August 11, 2011 at 5:47 pm

If things get really tough, she can always sell her brain on Amazon Marketplace ("Like New. Never Been Used.")

smokefilleddoommate August 11, 2011 at 6:18 pm

New in Box. With instructional CD.

Beowoof August 11, 2011 at 10:33 pm

I think Marty Feldman summed up her brain, Abby Normal

EggplantParm August 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

Dammit Beowoof, ya beat me to it by…uh, 12 hours. I gotta start getting out of bed earlier…or staying up later or… what time is it and who left this ladybug costume here?

hollywooddood August 11, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Well, whatever pays the rent.

Beowoof August 11, 2011 at 10:34 pm

That's what campaign contributions are for.

Come here a minute August 11, 2011 at 5:49 pm

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and which school of witchcraft and wizardry I went to, and all that Harry Potter kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

littlebigdaddy August 11, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Phonies!

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 8:27 pm

My Little Phony?

Mumbletypeg August 11, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Editorial note, because I'm a geek: her excerpt, if sentences were placed in reverse, would seem to have less of that "No, really!" insisting, pandering, CYA'ing quality that gives away there's more (or less) to her story than what she's putting out there.

"I was curious, that’s all. I saw him a few times after that, and I did a bit of reading on paganism, because it was a time in my life when I was searching for my own footing, but I never signed on to this guy’s beliefs. This guy shared some of his views with me, and that was pretty much that. It was all very innocent, and very weird, and nothing more. All this fuss and bother over a blind date when I was a teenager, for goodness’ sake!"

Yeah, I like my way better. Hire a freakin' editor with some standards and try on just a simulacrum of sincerity before you publish your next lament-of-innocence, Xtine!

natoslug August 11, 2011 at 7:44 pm

When I'm reading an autobiographical story from a woman that begins with "I was curious, thats all," it damned well better continue with descriptions of shared sapphic kisses, references to moist, musky treasures and a happy fucking ending with limbs and tongues entwined.

SorosBot August 11, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Considering that all the Wiccans I've known have been lesbians or bisexual women, I'm wondering if she may have done a little gender switching in that story.

BZ1 August 11, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Chrissie on "dabbling": "dabbling” means that a subject is “lightly explored,” with a “superficial interest.” You wouldn’t hire a lawyer who’d dabbled in law school. You wouldn’t see a doctor who’d dabbled in medicine; you wouldn't vote for a dim bulb like me… (or words to that effect…)

ttommyunger August 11, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I tried to download her book on my Kindle, but it refused to accept it.

smokefilleddoommate August 11, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Mine actually puked.

ttommyunger August 11, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Ewwwww!

smokefilleddoommate August 11, 2011 at 6:15 pm

You don't want to upset a Kindle.. trust me.

ttommyunger August 11, 2011 at 6:24 pm

I would think not.

Fare la Volpe August 11, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Too much hair in the plug.

ttommyunger August 11, 2011 at 6:24 pm

I try to keep the hair above the plug. Makes it easier to find.

flamingpdog August 12, 2011 at 12:53 am

I've made it all the way to the beginning of the second paragra

ttommyunger August 12, 2011 at 10:43 am

I'm calling 911! You've undoubtedly OD'd on bullshit.

SexySmurf August 11, 2011 at 5:55 pm

If you play her audio book backwards it sounds like she's either saying "worship Satan" or "cut the top marginal tax rate."

KenLayIsAlive August 11, 2011 at 7:56 pm

six of one, half a dozen of the other…

elviouslyqueer August 11, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I'm sure Christine wouldn't object to a lovely pair of CandyPants edible panties, would she?

MissusBarry August 11, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Perhaps today would be a good day to order some new hardware.

Nostrildamus August 11, 2011 at 6:40 pm
SexySmurf August 11, 2011 at 5:57 pm

What no butt plugs? How else is Christine going to remain a technical virgin?

Indiepalin August 11, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Wait for the audiobook, narrated by Keith Richards.

FlyOverGirl August 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Gawd, it's like looking at my usual recommendations on Amazon.

mrpuma2u August 11, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Ya have to believe we are magic, nothing can stand in our way (with apologies to Olivia Newton John, sorry hun)

CapnFatback August 11, 2011 at 6:18 pm

because it was a time in my life when I was searching for my own footing

Finally! Details about Christine O'Donnell's masturbation stance!

Quayle2012_KNOT August 11, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Don't drop The Rabbit in the cauldron, you dildo!

Barrelhse August 11, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Pipedreams Total Ecstasy looks like a shocker.

Nostrildamus August 11, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Where's the orgasm certificate ?!?!??!!!11!!

mavenmaven August 11, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Why does the word "dabbling" sound so obscene when she uses it?

nappyduggs August 11, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Where, o where, is the Walmart- failure-sex creamz?
Also, is there any way to get a biography of Cotton Mather on that recommendations thingie?

El Pinche August 11, 2011 at 6:56 pm

She puts the lubricant lotion in the Amazon basket.

BarackMyWorld August 11, 2011 at 7:17 pm

I saw him a few times after that, and I did a bit of reading on paganism, because it was a time in my life when I was searching for my own footing, but I never signed on to this guy’s beliefs.

Not all pagans are Wiccans. And I seem to remember hearing her tell the story that they went to a Satanic ritual, which definitely isn't Wiccan…and yet that's the way she categorized it. Big shock O'Donnell never knew what she was talking about.

Radiotherapy® August 11, 2011 at 7:24 pm

How is it that several chapters are titled: The Bush Years?

Rotundo_ August 11, 2011 at 7:41 pm

The grooming accessories and "massage" products were pretty entertaining; if Xtine actually fired up one (the Pipedreams Total Ecstasy should definitely take good care of all of those erogenous zones around the gates to paradise) it would do her a world of good, maybe she would get a job at Denny's and get a life. She could hook up with one of the guys working the grill and get things properly stretched and relaxed and learn to enjoy life a little. If someone close to her truly cared… Hey Mom and Dad O'Donnell, YEAH! YOU! YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS A GOOD F@CKIN' BUY THE KID ONE O' THESE TO GET "ER STARTED!!!

Redhead August 11, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Well if you go by the standard the tea party has applied to Obama and different socialists, this pretty much makes O'Donnell the leader of the witch church (do they have bishops?).

user-of-owls August 11, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Believe it or not they have a PBS for Kids tie-in promo featuring Dora the Explorer, a Plot line based on the search for Emelia Earhart and the untamed wilderness that is Christine's own Mato Grosso!

DerrickWildcat August 11, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I don't know what any of that stuff is!

El Pinche August 11, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Surrrrrrrrre

Limeylizzie August 11, 2011 at 8:33 pm

OK I just went to tag it 'Hairy Pudenda" and I noticed another tag " Wonketteer's Dream"…

FannyBurney August 11, 2011 at 9:55 pm

I look forward to her book-signing party at The Dollar Tree.

fuflans August 12, 2011 at 1:18 am

oh bless her heart.

tzadik42 August 12, 2011 at 11:14 am

Everyone needs to go tag Michelle Bachmann on the page for 'The Story of O' since she obviously doesn't understand the definition of the word 'submission'

ibwilliamsi August 12, 2011 at 1:55 pm

It's good to see that California Exotics is getting so much publicity out of Christine O'Donnell. It's as it should be. Still looking for the "bush whacker" though. Maybe just a Braun mini trimmer?

Tundra Grifter August 12, 2011 at 2:49 pm

This lamestream "news" items is so 24 hours ago!
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/conservative-w

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