MARK HALPERIN HAS A NEW BOYFRIEND  12:10 pm August 11, 2011

Rick Perry Is Now God and Mark Halperin Is His Moses

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Who wouldn't vote for God?Unlikable jabbering punditurd Mark Halperin got a very important interview with soon-to-be presidential candidate and wingnut imbecile heartthrob Rick Perry. Mark Halperin named this mammoth journalistic achievement, “He Speaks,” which is also Jesus-talk for “God said something important.” Interesting information! Does Mark Halperin have something to “reveal?” Is Rick Perry God? Does He maybe have some things to share with everyone? Is Mark Halperin the new Moses? And in that case can Mark Halperin nominate himself to be in charge of writing all those things down in his column? “Why does God think God should be the next president of being Rick Perry?” is the first question. Answer: “God loves being Rick Perry’s God so much God is now Rick Perry.” Oh good answer, now a follow-up! “When did you first learn you were God?” Answer: “George W. Bush said so in a phone call.” Interesting, very interesting!

Among the pointless revelations included in this extensive abdication of journalistic purpose is the one that “George W. Bush thinks Rick Perry should run.” Mark Halperin might have even asked God or Perry or whoever he thinks he was talking to that day about whether or not anyone on earth should ever want George W. Bush’s endorsement for anything, but MEH.

HALPERIN: Have you talked to President W. Bush about what it’s like to run?

PERRY: Yeah we had lots of conversations back, generally back when he was the President. I have. I called him … early in this process, when this thing was just kind of popping around. Actually I called him on his birthday, on July the 6th just to wish him a happy birthday. And this was, I guess it was just kind of starting to bubble up around the first of July as I recall, and he said, “You’ll do what’s right.” He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

Oh well, we deem this *just enough* sloppy weiner licking to make sure that Rick Perry always takes Mark Halperin’s late-night campaign news phone sex calls. [TIME]

 
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{ 210 comments }

nounverb911 August 11, 2011 at 12:12 pm

“God loves being Rick Perry’s God so much God is now Rick Perry.”
So then why is Texas still burning in hell?

DahBoner August 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

God created Texas as kind of a hell on earth to remind us that we each have a choice….

memzilla August 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

As Molly Ivins (G-d Rest Her Soul) was fond of saying, "God created Texas to make Mississippi look good."

Guppy06 August 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Because Texas doesn't love Perry enough. Duh!

WunkRocker August 11, 2011 at 1:05 pm

True story, Mark was born from his dad Mort having a threeway with Kissinger and Nixon. Of course Mort was taking it all DP style. Which explains why he crapped out (Skid) Mark.
Also.

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

So, is Mark's middle name Pierre?

JustPixelz August 11, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Only a lie-brul who thinks there is global warming would imply Texas is having record heat this summer. Those "temperatures" measured by Al Gore loving left-wing "thermometers". Facts are biased.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Because God is just a really mean little fuck, yaknow? I mean, he told Michele to run, and then he turned around and told Rick Perry exactly the same thing. Makes you wonder. Whose side is God on, really?

So he tells Rick Perry to run, and now he sets Texas on fire. It's like he's just sayin' "Nyah, nyah, Rick Perry," knowhatimean?

memzilla August 11, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Yes. We absolutely need another a**hole from the only state which rivals Haley Barbour's Mississippi as last in the nation for edumakayshunal acheevemunt as Preznit.

fuflans August 11, 2011 at 1:06 pm

still, this guy worries me more than the other wingnuts out there. parts of US america are just crazy enough to find him the white hatted savior they've been seeking.

my boy thinks he's not ready for primetime. i'm not so sanguine.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 12:14 pm

So, Rick Perry is just another Bush, burning or not.

WhatTheHeck August 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Cause he's so hot for the White House; he's a bleedin v-o-l-c-a-n-o.

northernbassist August 11, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Nahh…Perry is just an ashhole.

nounverb911 August 11, 2011 at 12:14 pm

“God loves being Rick Perry’s God so much God is now Rick Perry.”
So how come I keep forgetting the Alamo?

DahBoner August 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

"So how come I keep forgetting the Alamo?"

Because a bunch of slave-owning, White Southern Texans got their asses kicked by Mexicans who recently outlawed slavery?

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

But, really, the late fees on this rental are getting extraordinary. I need to return it, pronto.

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 12:23 am

Because, you don't pray to God hard enough.

CalamityJames August 11, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Have you always been a wizard?!

BornInATrailer August 11, 2011 at 12:48 pm

*imperial

Nothingisamiss August 11, 2011 at 4:25 pm

++

nounverb911 August 11, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Which other politicians thought they were Gods?

DahBoner August 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Many politicians in Asia think they are reincarnations of Buddha…

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Well, technically, *everyone* is a reincarnation of Buddha.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Duchess Annagovia of Borogravia?

memzilla August 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm
ManchuCandidate August 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Kim Jong Il

baconzgood August 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Pharaoh?

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Oh, I know–"THE ONE," (blessed be His Name) who all Liberals unquestioningly worship?

SayItWithWookies August 11, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Jim Jones?

fuflans August 11, 2011 at 12:39 pm

sauron?

Lascauxcaveman August 11, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Cleopatra?

(Been awhile since I had the chance to trot that one out.)

Mumbletypeg August 11, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Val Kilmer?

The fatal error being, he also thought he was a politican..

BarackMyWorld August 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

The Red Skull?

JustPixelz August 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Jebus, of course. Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, he was playing a political game with the Romans.

BTWBFDIMHO August 11, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Tony Weiner?

AJWjr. August 11, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Why else would there be a Weiner Republic?

Steverino247 August 11, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Any of the rulers of the peoples of Mesoamerica before the Spaniards ruined their game. The Bourbons, the Romanovs, pretty much anybody who ruled somewhere in Europe before the Enlightenment ruined their games.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 1:25 pm

The Japanese Emperor? Or at least he has sex with the Sun Goddess, a harlot demon.

Chet Kincaid August 11, 2011 at 1:58 pm
SorosBot August 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Caligula, along with his sister/mistress.

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Moctezuma II?

skoalrebel August 11, 2011 at 12:16 pm

My cousin Kenny thinks I should run for president. Why does Time not bother to report his thoughts on this matter? Fuckin' lamestream media. [spit!] Elitists just can't handle real America.

memzilla August 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

You need Mark Halperin's cell phone number, is all. [pa-tui!]

fuflans August 11, 2011 at 12:31 pm

my money's on your cousin kenny.

gvvt August 11, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Strange, he just told me I should run…

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Kenny is obviously just another name for GOD! Messin' with people's haids again, tellin' 'em ALL to run. But does he say WHERE?

DahBoner August 11, 2011 at 12:16 pm

"When did you first learn you were God?"

I'm glad to hear that there is still plenty of peyote in Texas….

memzilla August 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Carlos Casteneda would not approve.

freakishlywrong August 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I realize these two hacks are so full of self importance as to not realize that maybe a rightwing, Jesus freak, Governor of Texas running for Presnit, should perhaps not talk about discussions one has recently had with Dubya. About anything. Per wingnut timeline, Obamar was POTUS right after Clinton.

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

George W. Bush was actually President well before his father, & maybe even before G-Dub is supposed to have been born.

Barb August 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I bet after the phone call Bush had to call Laura into the room so that she could find where he misplaced his bubble wrap that he was halfway done popping.

Come here a minute August 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

George W. Bush should wake up when he's seventy, and every other day, thinking, "I wish I had not been responsible for that."

RedneckMuslin August 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

George W. Bush should wake up in jail when he's seventy, and every other day, thinking, "I wish I had not been responsible for that."

You left out a couple of important words. Edited it for ya.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:19 pm

You really think he has enough of a conscience, or even a clear internal meter, that he would be capable of such thoughts? This question is free of any snark. I want to know if you think G.W. Bush is capable of the sentiment that you describe.

Come here a minute August 11, 2011 at 7:00 pm

He's absolutely not wired that way.

x111e7thst August 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Rick Perry is a sorry sack of shit . Which I guess makes Halprin guilty of coprophagy.

proudgrampa August 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Ha! You said "coprophagy."

x111e7thst August 18, 2011 at 8:23 am

If you set it up I'm there.

Schmannnity August 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

” He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

That's the compelling reason for W fucking our foreign and domestic policies for eight years? Couldn't he have wished he tried nude hang gliding or NASCAR driving instead?

Steverino247 August 11, 2011 at 1:22 pm

NASCAR driving into a bridge abutment would have suited me just fine.

FakaktaSouth August 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Oh good lord – HERE – HERE was a PRIME opportunity to call an ACTUAL DICK A DICK, and what does Mark Halperin do?

Callyson August 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Well, he did something with Rick Perry's dick…

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Lick Rick's dick from stem to stern.

WhatTheHolyHeck August 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

This man has memorized the former preznit's birthday. He is clearly the only sentient being qualified to rule the world.

FakaktaSouth August 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

W, Nancy F'in Reagan, Sylvester Stallone and I all share that birth date. Ruins EVERY ONE of those "born on this day…" announcements for me.

widestanceroman August 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I share mine with Nancy Grace if that's any consolation.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

I have the same birthday as Uday Hussein. It's offset a little bit by also being the same as Isabella Rossellini and Paul McCartney.

SorosBot August 11, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I've got the same birthday as Carrot Top; that's even worse.

LesPaultard August 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I share mine with inauguration day. Some years I drink myself into oblivion, and other years I find myself holding onto the grass tightly so the earth won't spin me into space.

WhatTheHolyHeck August 11, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Me too, actually. I had such a sad when I found out.

proudgrampa August 11, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Well, I just checked the Wiki thingy, and I share my birthday with thousands of people I've never heard of…

DashboardBuddha August 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Bush drank so much beer he didn't have a date of birth…he had a sell-by date.

seppdecker August 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

If Halperin can't be the new Moses until we set a Bush on fire.

bureaucrap August 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

"Garbled Talks!"

Nothingisamiss August 11, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Yes! (I'm sure many will not get this reference, but def. great.)

arihaya August 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

And let it be known that Rick Perry shall part the gulf of Mexico to lead his tribe of wingnuts into the Promised Land of Pennsylvania Avenue

Eve8Apples August 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

This time, we best leave the academic underachiever in Texas to clear brush and talk to Jeebus.

Indiepalin August 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Why doesn't Halperin ask Perry why those in-bred dumb-ass Bush boys hate his guts?

baconzgood August 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

All of them Katie.

BaldarTFlagass August 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Needs more Charlton Heston.

nounverb911 August 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Which one: the Jewish Prince of Egypt or the NRA president?

RedneckMuslin August 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm

The Planet of the Apes one.

BaldarTFlagass August 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I post, you decide.

widestanceroman August 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I'd prefer the one with the cold dead hands.

Mahousu August 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

"[Bush] said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”"

Fortunately, Bush has no regrets about anything like that.

fuflans August 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

that's quite enough poppin and bubblin from the state of texas thank you very much.

freakishlywrong August 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

One wonders who played the "wife" when this interview was over.

DaSandman August 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Lets give Perry and Texas back to the Messicans. Sort of as a peace offering but not really.

JustPixelz August 11, 2011 at 1:04 pm

During secession, President Lincoln thought it was essential to keep the nation intact. I'm not sure if he was worried about European encroachment in a fragmented U.S.A, or just thought it was principle worth fight for.

I think if any of those same states seceded today, no one would lift a finger to stop them. I will wave goodbye and say "Sorry to see you go", while doing the happy dance on the inside.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Lo siento, señor, pero no queremos que este lugar de nuevo después de haber hecho un lío terrible de la misma. Fue en buena forma cuando se lo robó en 1841.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Tell me about the waters of your homeworld, Usul.

GorzoTheMighty August 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

May he sleep with the sandworms

user-of-owls August 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

"He Speaks" is a pretty deft strategy for cutting into the crucial Koko demographic.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Except that adorable kittens shun Rick Perry.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Why not? His predecessor certainly appealed to another branch of that family.

user-of-owls August 11, 2011 at 7:58 pm

homo perplexdus?

Mumbletypeg August 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

just kind of popping around….just kind of starting to bubble up

with "pop" of shotguns and "bubble up" reminiscent of crude oil, I'm mesmerized with the colloquial of the Texan native more than about anything else here.

Only if Halperin had donned a 10-gallon hat and tipped it at Perry with a "Howdy, 'tard'ner" could the cross-chemistry between these two have been improved.

Not_So_Much August 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Reminds me more of Santorum. ew.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Halperin stopped just short of "I wish I could quit you!"

Ruhe August 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

" this extensive abdication of journalistic purpose"

That's nice.

baconzgood August 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

We believe in one Rick Perry the Father of douche baggery, Maker of bad text books and cowboy hats, and of all things visible and in drout .

And in one Rick Perry, the only-begotten Shit head, begotten of the Father before all worlds, Rick Perry from Rick Perry, prairie fire of prairie fire, Very Rick Perry of Rick Perry, begotten, not elected, being of one substance with the Rick Perry by whom all things were made stupid; who for us men, and for our salvation, came down from Austin, and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the Dubya, and was made man, and will be crucified politically for us under Obama. He suffered and was buried buy the press, and the third term he rose again according to the Tex-ass stupidly voting, and ascended into the Governers office, and sitteth on the right hand of the Kotch Brothers. And he shall come again with glory to judge both the quick and the dead, whose kingdom shall have no end.

BaldarTFlagass August 11, 2011 at 12:33 pm

…through Hebediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours, of things going astray. Ehm…and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are. And nobody will really know where lieth those little things with a sort of rackey work base, that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers, that their fathers put there only just the night before, 'bout eight o'clock.

Mumbletypeg August 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

If only Spiritual Guide Dubya could adhere to His his own Book of Common Prayer, but with this —

"you don’t want to wake up …and go, “I wish I had done that"

he apparently missed the part of the BCP that intones:

"We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts… We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; and we have done those things which we ought not to have done"

Dubya fitted himself with a custom-sized millstone for his neck with that sage dispensing of advice.

GunToting[Redacted] August 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

If only he had taken up swimming early in his presidency, rather than mountain biking. That millstone would now be up for a medal of freedom.

Papa_Uniform August 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Went to the Houston prayer meetin' did ya?

Nothingisamiss August 11, 2011 at 4:33 pm

baconz….very, very, veryveryvery good.

johnnyzhivago August 11, 2011 at 12:26 pm

It would suck to hit 70 and look back and say "hey I wish I had destroyed the United States"

johnnyzhivago August 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Rick Perry makes Dubya look like some kind of Stephen Hawking.

RedneckMuslin August 11, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Mentally or physically?

ManchuCandidate August 11, 2011 at 12:29 pm

This is the worst blow job ever.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 11, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Darn it, Manchu!
~

ifthethunderdontgetya August 11, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Unlikable jabbering punditurd Mark Halperin got a very important interview with soon-to-be presidential candidate and wingnut imbecile heartthrob Rick Perry.

So "blowjob" and "interview" are synonyms now?
~

JustPixelz August 11, 2011 at 1:00 pm

That's what my boss told me when I applied for my current job.

Chet Kincaid August 11, 2011 at 2:17 pm

From the camera angle on those videos, yes indeedy!

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I thought they always *had* been, for the rightwing media. Except, of course, on those notable, rare occasions when they interview a Democrat. Then, all on a sudden, "interview" is synonymous with "assrape."

Sue4466 August 11, 2011 at 12:34 pm

On a dog training list (seriously), someone said "I'm glad the governor of Texas PRAYS. I hope he throws his big ol' stetson into the presidential ring."

It's hard to fight this kind of stupid, people.

orygoon August 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

My mother had a friend who was happy happy happy that W. was president because of his presumably regular prayer habits.

MissusBarry August 11, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Maybe this person thinks Ricky is going to pray away the pooping in the living room?

Note to dog: I think you would find pillows in the master bedroom an excellent place to release all your excretions.

Sue4466 August 11, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Given his success rate with his pray-to-make-it-rain-in-TX plan, I'm guessing she's about shoulders deep in shit then.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Not high enough.

orygoon August 11, 2011 at 12:39 pm

My debate question: "How does this animal science degree that you BARELY got at Texas A&M going to help you govern us all?"

Oh shit, though, that sets him up for "perfectly for a nation of sheeple".

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Also, "Governor, can you explain how you managed to get a "C" in motherfuckin' gym, for chrissakes?

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:34 pm

That's the one I really want to hear the answer to. GYM?

SayItWithWookies August 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

As if being a simpleminded fool, praying to solve his state's problems, thinking he's a genius, thinking America is overregulated and overtaxed, wanting our country to be a theocracy, presiding over 235 executions (granted, of mostly guilty people), and wanting to do to this nation what he's done to Texas weren't sufficiently overpowering reasons for immediate disqualification for running anything bigger than a Jiffy Lube franchise, the one revealed in that article takes the cake:

Takes advice from Dubya.

Fuckin' please.

JustPixelz August 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Under President Perry, every elementary school in America will be equipped with a copy of "The Pet Goat" in a glass case — "For President's Eyes Only! If the nation is under attack, break glass and read". Then after reading, our new POTUS can leave every child behind and hide in a bunker.

Oblios_Cap August 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Unlikable jabbering punditurd Mark Halperin

What a polite way to describe that gibbering fece-flinging goat felching assclown son of a bitch!

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:35 pm

I have to admire your restraint.

HobbesEvilTwin August 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Omg. extensive abdication of journalistic purpose is the best phrase ever.

Will you marry me, Kirsten?

DashboardBuddha August 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Fuck this…read my lips: No new Texans.

RedneckMuslin August 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

You sir/madam have won the day. Thank you.

SheriffRoscoe August 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Damn. I was *this close* to getting my comment in first.

DashboardBuddha August 11, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I'll share.

MLHencken August 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Gets my nomination as well.

Callyson August 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Unless Molly Ivins or Ann Richards come back from the dead…

DashboardBuddha August 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I miss Molly. :'-(

Nothingisamiss August 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

SO MUCH.

SheriffRoscoe August 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Isn't is about time for a president from the great state of Texas?

LesPaultard August 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm

He's got great hair.

MLHencken August 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

And that is enough, sadly.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:35 pm

And that is ALL, sadly.

WhatTheHeck August 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm

And he parts it like the parting of the Red Sea.

Guppy06 August 11, 2011 at 12:50 pm

There is no Hair but Perry and Halperin is His Prophet!

(What, nobody else was going to take the mulsin angle?)

CapeClod August 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Great. Two more pictures of a Republican presidential hopeful looking like they are being amused by a puppet show being staged over the photographer's head.

EatsBabyDingos August 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

The two pictures of Gov Bubblewrap are from the future. The captions are as follows:

1: Bantering with counsel.
2. "Will the Defendant please rise."

MLHencken August 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Please welcome our next ex-college cheerleader (or yeller?) candidate.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 1:03 pm

If he thinks he's qualified to be preznit, he's a high yeller.

JustPixelz August 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

[Bush] said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

And that's how we ended up in Iraq looking for Al Queda and WMDs!

And that's how we ended up with tax cuts and an AA+ downgrade!

And that's how we ended up torturing people on an extra-territorial military base.

OC_Surf_Serf August 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Halperin sounds like some strong, logic-suppressing pharmaceutical.

EatsBabyDingos August 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

The anti-aspirin: it gives a headache to the lucid.

FNMA August 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm

More like a pro-psychotic.

Nothingisamiss August 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm

It only comes in the form of a suppository.

BaldarTFlagass August 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

So, Bush is like some kind of elder statesman now? Good lord.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Horrifying thought, innit?

MLHencken August 11, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Somewhere, a pretzel is missing its throat.

franco_pinyon August 11, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Pearls of wisdom (Hah!) from W. "I wish I had tried that," puts the presidency on par with taking a shot at skydiving, or "Dancing With The Stars" or fraternity hunch-punch.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:37 pm

The only kind of pearls that eejit is good for is a pearl necklace. No wisdom. Drunk, dumb, and fulla come.

EatsBabyDingos August 11, 2011 at 12:56 pm

When Halperin called Obama "kind of a dick" on MSNBC, he meant "jerk." When he says Richard is "kind of a dick" it is a biology lesson.

Allmighty_Manos August 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm

"He Speaks" Now please shut the FU.

P.S, Perry digs dudes (at least Google thinks so)

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 11, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Bush "said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, 'I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.'”

So, we went to war with Iraq for the same reason that Bush used to do body shots on spring break?

DashboardBuddha August 11, 2011 at 6:01 pm

There was no real change from his activity in college to that when he was president. College: Body shots. President: Dead body shots.

Callyson August 11, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Actual quote from Perry, from Time:
I think it was General Sheridan who said, “If I owned Hell and Texas, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.”
Good idea, Rick…go for it, dude!

fartknocker August 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

The correct quote is "You may got to Hell, and I will go to Texas." It was stated by Davy Crockett, who was killed during the Battle of the Alamo.

Your quote confirms why Perry got a D in U.S. History from TAMU.

powersuit August 11, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I do believe I passed by Mark Halperin and his smug face yesterday in front of the White House. It took a lot of self control to not steer my Bikeshare bike directly into him. It's that smugness. It kills me.

poncho_pilot August 11, 2011 at 3:06 pm

you should've told him he was "kind of a dick" as you rode past.

WhatTheHeck August 11, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Know why there's no water in Texas? Its been turned into a familiar Republican whine.

fartknocker August 11, 2011 at 1:09 pm

If you chose to read it, the Texas Observer has an excellent article on Rick Perry, the New Apostolic Reformation, and why Rick believes God has spoken to him:
http://www.texasobserver.org/cover-story/rick-per

And this guy lives about 6 miles from me. Scary shit.

SenileAgitation August 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Thanks for the link, disturbing. All over the world "needs more God" seems to be gaining ground.

SheriffRoscoe August 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

In the interview, Perry states that he is a "pro-business governor and will be a pro-business president." That's right, everyone loves business. Especially when they're advocating for a nice, safe, unregulated workplace. Or relocating all the jerbs to China.

BarackMyWorld August 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

This could also be said about taking a vacation to Europe, sleeping with another dude, or experimenting with narcotics.

poncho_pilot August 11, 2011 at 3:09 pm

but he's done all of those…

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:39 pm

And I b'leev he did.

elviouslyqueer August 11, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Texas is somewhat of a microcosm of the rest of the country, particularly in this first decade of the 21st century. We are very, very cosmopolitan, if you will, very urban, but we have our rural areas. We have an incredible diversity of people [who] live in this state. This is not the Texas of my father. It is a very diverse state. Running for the governorship of the state of Texas, I recognized all the diversity of thought.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *pauses to gasp for breath and wipe tears from eyes* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Also, Rick, while you might have "recognized all the diversity of thought," you actively went out of your way to squelch any "diversity" that didn't include white Anglo-Saxon Christians, and also execute all those pesky "urban" folks. GAH. Just shut up, you pedantic fuckhole.

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 12:35 am

"very urban" and "very, very, cosmopolitan" my ass. Just because you have skyscrapers doesn't make your cosmopolitan and/or urban. You can be in the middle of Houston, and feel like your in some sleepy-assed giant suburb.

SayItWithWookies August 11, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Perry's response when asked about his endorsement of Rudy Giuliani and whether that meshed with his conservative credentials:

Well, you know, I stand on my record. I thought Mayor Giuliani did a wonderful job of managing a city. He was very strong militarily.

Because if there's one thing we all recognize and admire about New York City, it's its wonderful military. Which is a part of Rick Perry's record, which he stands on. Jesus Christ on a biscuit, I'll bet if Perry's maid didn't put his plate in the exact same spot every meal he would starve to death.

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Can you imagine the fit the rest of the country would have if New York City had its own navy, & dispatched it to decimate its rivals (say, L.A., Houston, & New Orleans, among ports, & Boston, Philadelphia, & Miami among sporting or financial rivals)?

SayItWithWookies August 11, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I think the Knicks run that idea by the mayor once a week.

La_Cieca August 11, 2011 at 1:23 pm

"Are we on the seven-second delay? I thought he was kind of a Rick yesterday."

greypanter August 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I want to report a misprint: "early in this process, when this thing was just kind of popping around." should be: "early in this process, when this thing was just kind of pooping around."

SheriffRoscoe August 11, 2011 at 1:27 pm

So we've got a pro-business governor of Texas with a C-minus college transcript running for president. Go ahead, America. You do that. You deserve it.

Chet Kincaid August 11, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Treat yourself!

proudgrampa August 11, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Aaah, the Dumbing of America continues apace.

I know I've said this before, but Perry just leaves me incredulous.

Chet Kincaid August 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

George R. P. Bush

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Game of Clones.

bumfug August 11, 2011 at 1:51 pm

It's sort of appropriate that Halperin's initials are MEH.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:41 pm

He definitely gives ME the "mehz."

OneYieldRegular August 11, 2011 at 2:11 pm

He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

Well that's just great – running for President because you're having a mid-life crisis.

At least in California these pricks just buy Porsches and leave their wives for 19 year old aspiring actresses.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Rick Perry can't find a good-looking 19-year-old who'll have him, apparently.

Chet Kincaid August 11, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I'm sure you guys saw this shit on Maddow last night:
http://www.salon.com/news/politics/war_room/2011/

hagajim August 11, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Glad to see that (P)Rick Ferry is now God! Thus endeth the world.

mavenmaven August 11, 2011 at 2:31 pm

"He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”"

I think they were talking about buttsecks.

Ducksworthy August 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Perry/Bachman 2012 (my excuse to retire to Costa Rica, but will that be far enough?) Maybe another hemisphere would be safer, or another planet.)

poncho_pilot August 11, 2011 at 3:04 pm

but i thought god talked to Moses through a burning bush. so, this time, the Bush, who was not burning, talked to god who relayed the message to Moses. so who is in charge here? is this in the King James version?

Come here a minute August 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Write in PARRY with an A for asshole.

MMathS August 11, 2011 at 3:27 pm

"He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, 'I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.'"

Walnut's ears are burning!

neiltheblaze August 11, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Well, I hope out of the deepest respect for Mark Halperin that Rick Perry had the common courtesy to shave his balls first.

smitallica August 11, 2011 at 4:11 pm

"Well, I called the shittiest president in history, and he said, 'Fuck it, why not? Can't do worse than I did, right? Heheheheh!'"

lochnessmonster August 11, 2011 at 5:09 pm

So old GW Bush ran for president because it was something to try? A bucket list, no regrets thing? And he tried and failed….

BZ1 August 11, 2011 at 5:24 pm

another Texas governor in charge, yup, how did the last one work out?

ttommyunger August 11, 2011 at 5:41 pm

"…just kind of popping around….just kind of starting to bubble up…" Sounds kind of frothy. Maybe Santorum was there on the other line, or giving a reacharound. Would that be a dick too, Mark? Just checking with the expert.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Only when I'm throwing things.

StarsUponThars August 11, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Know the difference between God and Rick Perry? God doesn't walk down the street thinking he's Rick Perry.

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 12:15 am

"He speaks" sounds more like a line from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein than the Bible, if you ask me.

He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

This is exactly a good reason to run for president. Forget about thinking you have something to offer the American people. No, it's just about your own ego, your needs, your wants. You see, running for president if a personal plaything for the rich. Why do you run for president? Because you can.

Honestly, "Texas governor" should be an automatic disqualifier.

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 12:22 am

For God so loved America, that he sent his many elected Republican governors, election cylce after election cycle…

WhatTheHolyHeck August 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

So long as you don't have the same plastic surgeon, you'll probably be okay.

widestanceroman August 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Just checked mine again, seems I also share with Weird Al Yankovic, so I gotta think we're at least tied for that.

Oh, and are we doing this by actual birth or just same date in different years (I've been going by actual birth)?

SorosBot August 11, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Just day. If we go by actual date, the only famous person I share is the funny and gorgeous Rashida Jones; much better than Carrot Top.

WhatTheHolyHeck August 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Don't you be dissin' the Al. I cutchoo, mang.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Same date, different years. Otherwise I have to give up my sole claim to fame — sharing birfdai wiv Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Seeing the trailer for My Idiot Brother makes me all tingly. Rashida makes a wonderfully glammishly butchy lesbian.

widestanceroman August 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

So, I can also claim Johnny Carson and Megs (aka Juggs) McCain. Sigh.

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