Rick Perry Is Now God and Mark Halperin Is His Moses

  mark halperin has a new boyfriend

Who wouldn't vote for God?Unlikable jabbering punditurd Mark Halperin got a very important interview with soon-to-be presidential candidate and wingnut imbecile heartthrob Rick Perry. Mark Halperin named this mammoth journalistic achievement, “He Speaks,” which is also Jesus-talk for “God said something important.” Interesting information! Does Mark Halperin have something to “reveal?” Is Rick Perry God? Does He maybe have some things to share with everyone? Is Mark Halperin the new Moses? And in that case can Mark Halperin nominate himself to be in charge of writing all those things down in his column? “Why does God think God should be the next president of being Rick Perry?” is the first question. Answer: “God loves being Rick Perry’s God so much God is now Rick Perry.” Oh good answer, now a follow-up! “When did you first learn you were God?” Answer: “George W. Bush said so in a phone call.” Interesting, very interesting!

Among the pointless revelations included in this extensive abdication of journalistic purpose is the one that “George W. Bush thinks Rick Perry should run.” Mark Halperin might have even asked God or Perry or whoever he thinks he was talking to that day about whether or not anyone on earth should ever want George W. Bush’s endorsement for anything, but MEH.

HALPERIN: Have you talked to President W. Bush about what it’s like to run?

PERRY: Yeah we had lots of conversations back, generally back when he was the President. I have. I called him … early in this process, when this thing was just kind of popping around. Actually I called him on his birthday, on July the 6th just to wish him a happy birthday. And this was, I guess it was just kind of starting to bubble up around the first of July as I recall, and he said, “You’ll do what’s right.” He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

Oh well, we deem this *just enough* sloppy weiner licking to make sure that Rick Perry always takes Mark Halperin’s late-night campaign news phone sex calls. [TIME]

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210 comments

  1. nounverb911

    “God loves being Rick Perry’s God so much God is now Rick Perry.”
    So then why is Texas still burning in hell?

      1. memzilla

        As Molly Ivins (G-d Rest Her Soul) was fond of saying, "God created Texas to make Mississippi look good."

      1. WunkRocker

        True story, Mark was born from his dad Mort having a threeway with Kissinger and Nixon. Of course Mort was taking it all DP style. Which explains why he crapped out (Skid) Mark.
        Also.

    1. JustPixelz

      Only a lie-brul who thinks there is global warming would imply Texas is having record heat this summer. Those "temperatures" measured by Al Gore loving left-wing "thermometers". Facts are biased.

    2. PristinePantalones

      Because God is just a really mean little fuck, yaknow? I mean, he told Michele to run, and then he turned around and told Rick Perry exactly the same thing. Makes you wonder. Whose side is God on, really?

      So he tells Rick Perry to run, and now he sets Texas on fire. It's like he's just sayin' "Nyah, nyah, Rick Perry," knowhatimean?

    1. fuflans

      still, this guy worries me more than the other wingnuts out there. parts of US america are just crazy enough to find him the white hatted savior they've been seeking.

      my boy thinks he's not ready for primetime. i'm not so sanguine.

  2. nounverb911

    “God loves being Rick Perry’s God so much God is now Rick Perry.”
    So how come I keep forgetting the Alamo?

    1. DahBoner

      "So how come I keep forgetting the Alamo?"

      Because a bunch of slave-owning, White Southern Texans got their asses kicked by Mexicans who recently outlawed slavery?

      1. horsedreamer_1

        But, really, the late fees on this rental are getting extraordinary. I need to return it, pronto.

    1. Steverino247

      Any of the rulers of the peoples of Mesoamerica before the Spaniards ruined their game. The Bourbons, the Romanovs, pretty much anybody who ruled somewhere in Europe before the Enlightenment ruined their games.

  3. skoalrebel

    My cousin Kenny thinks I should run for president. Why does Time not bother to report his thoughts on this matter? Fuckin' lamestream media. [spit!] Elitists just can't handle real America.

      1. PristinePantalones

        Kenny is obviously just another name for GOD! Messin' with people's haids again, tellin' 'em ALL to run. But does he say WHERE?

  4. DahBoner

    "When did you first learn you were God?"

    I'm glad to hear that there is still plenty of peyote in Texas….

  5. freakishlywrong

    I realize these two hacks are so full of self importance as to not realize that maybe a rightwing, Jesus freak, Governor of Texas running for Presnit, should perhaps not talk about discussions one has recently had with Dubya. About anything. Per wingnut timeline, Obamar was POTUS right after Clinton.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      George W. Bush was actually President well before his father, & maybe even before G-Dub is supposed to have been born.

  6. Barb

    I bet after the phone call Bush had to call Laura into the room so that she could find where he misplaced his bubble wrap that he was halfway done popping.

  7. Come here a minute

    George W. Bush should wake up when he's seventy, and every other day, thinking, "I wish I had not been responsible for that."

    1. RedneckMuslin

      George W. Bush should wake up in jail when he's seventy, and every other day, thinking, "I wish I had not been responsible for that."

      You left out a couple of important words. Edited it for ya.

    2. PristinePantalones

      You really think he has enough of a conscience, or even a clear internal meter, that he would be capable of such thoughts? This question is free of any snark. I want to know if you think G.W. Bush is capable of the sentiment that you describe.

  8. Schmannnity

    ” He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

    That's the compelling reason for W fucking our foreign and domestic policies for eight years? Couldn't he have wished he tried nude hang gliding or NASCAR driving instead?

  9. FakaktaSouth

    Oh good lord – HERE – HERE was a PRIME opportunity to call an ACTUAL DICK A DICK, and what does Mark Halperin do?

  10. WhatTheHolyHeck

    This man has memorized the former preznit's birthday. He is clearly the only sentient being qualified to rule the world.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      W, Nancy F'in Reagan, Sylvester Stallone and I all share that birth date. Ruins EVERY ONE of those "born on this day…" announcements for me.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I have the same birthday as Uday Hussein. It's offset a little bit by also being the same as Isabella Rossellini and Paul McCartney.

          1. widestanceroman

            Just checked mine again, seems I also share with Weird Al Yankovic, so I gotta think we're at least tied for that.

            Oh, and are we doing this by actual birth or just same date in different years (I've been going by actual birth)?

          2. SorosBot

            Just day. If we go by actual date, the only famous person I share is the funny and gorgeous Rashida Jones; much better than Carrot Top.

          3. horsedreamer_1

            Seeing the trailer for My Idiot Brother makes me all tingly. Rashida makes a wonderfully glammishly butchy lesbian.

          4. PristinePantalones

            Same date, different years. Otherwise I have to give up my sole claim to fame — sharing birfdai wiv Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

      1. LesPaultard

        I share mine with inauguration day. Some years I drink myself into oblivion, and other years I find myself holding onto the grass tightly so the earth won't spin me into space.

      2. proudgrampa

        Well, I just checked the Wiki thingy, and I share my birthday with thousands of people I've never heard of…

  11. arihaya

    And let it be known that Rick Perry shall part the gulf of Mexico to lead his tribe of wingnuts into the Promised Land of Pennsylvania Avenue

  12. Eve8Apples

    This time, we best leave the academic underachiever in Texas to clear brush and talk to Jeebus.

    1. JustPixelz

      During secession, President Lincoln thought it was essential to keep the nation intact. I'm not sure if he was worried about European encroachment in a fragmented U.S.A, or just thought it was principle worth fight for.

      I think if any of those same states seceded today, no one would lift a finger to stop them. I will wave goodbye and say "Sorry to see you go", while doing the happy dance on the inside.

    2. V572 Coif of Destiny

      Lo siento, señor, pero no queremos que este lugar de nuevo después de haber hecho un lío terrible de la misma. Fue en buena forma cuando se lo robó en 1841.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    just kind of popping around….just kind of starting to bubble up

    with "pop" of shotguns and "bubble up" reminiscent of crude oil, I'm mesmerized with the colloquial of the Texan native more than about anything else here.

    Only if Halperin had donned a 10-gallon hat and tipped it at Perry with a "Howdy, 'tard'ner" could the cross-chemistry between these two have been improved.

  14. baconzgood

    We believe in one Rick Perry the Father of douche baggery, Maker of bad text books and cowboy hats, and of all things visible and in drout .

    And in one Rick Perry, the only-begotten Shit head, begotten of the Father before all worlds, Rick Perry from Rick Perry, prairie fire of prairie fire, Very Rick Perry of Rick Perry, begotten, not elected, being of one substance with the Rick Perry by whom all things were made stupid; who for us men, and for our salvation, came down from Austin, and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the Dubya, and was made man, and will be crucified politically for us under Obama. He suffered and was buried buy the press, and the third term he rose again according to the Tex-ass stupidly voting, and ascended into the Governers office, and sitteth on the right hand of the Kotch Brothers. And he shall come again with glory to judge both the quick and the dead, whose kingdom shall have no end.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      …through Hebediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours, of things going astray. Ehm…and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are. And nobody will really know where lieth those little things with a sort of rackey work base, that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers, that their fathers put there only just the night before, 'bout eight o'clock.

    2. Mumbletypeg

      If only Spiritual Guide Dubya could adhere to His his own Book of Common Prayer, but with this —

      "you don’t want to wake up …and go, “I wish I had done that"

      he apparently missed the part of the BCP that intones:

      "We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts… We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; and we have done those things which we ought not to have done"

      Dubya fitted himself with a custom-sized millstone for his neck with that sage dispensing of advice.

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        If only he had taken up swimming early in his presidency, rather than mountain biking. That millstone would now be up for a medal of freedom.

  15. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Unlikable jabbering punditurd Mark Halperin got a very important interview with soon-to-be presidential candidate and wingnut imbecile heartthrob Rick Perry.

    So "blowjob" and "interview" are synonyms now?
    ~

    1. PristinePantalones

      I thought they always *had* been, for the rightwing media. Except, of course, on those notable, rare occasions when they interview a Democrat. Then, all on a sudden, "interview" is synonymous with "assrape."

  16. Sue4466

    On a dog training list (seriously), someone said "I'm glad the governor of Texas PRAYS. I hope he throws his big ol' stetson into the presidential ring."

    It's hard to fight this kind of stupid, people.

    1. orygoon

      My mother had a friend who was happy happy happy that W. was president because of his presumably regular prayer habits.

    2. MissusBarry

      Maybe this person thinks Ricky is going to pray away the pooping in the living room?

      Note to dog: I think you would find pillows in the master bedroom an excellent place to release all your excretions.

      1. Sue4466

        Given his success rate with his pray-to-make-it-rain-in-TX plan, I'm guessing she's about shoulders deep in shit then.

  17. orygoon

    My debate question: "How does this animal science degree that you BARELY got at Texas A&M going to help you govern us all?"

    Oh shit, though, that sets him up for "perfectly for a nation of sheeple".

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Also, "Governor, can you explain how you managed to get a "C" in motherfuckin' gym, for chrissakes?

  18. SayItWithWookies

    As if being a simpleminded fool, praying to solve his state's problems, thinking he's a genius, thinking America is overregulated and overtaxed, wanting our country to be a theocracy, presiding over 235 executions (granted, of mostly guilty people), and wanting to do to this nation what he's done to Texas weren't sufficiently overpowering reasons for immediate disqualification for running anything bigger than a Jiffy Lube franchise, the one revealed in that article takes the cake:

    Takes advice from Dubya.

    Fuckin' please.

    1. JustPixelz

      Under President Perry, every elementary school in America will be equipped with a copy of "The Pet Goat" in a glass case — "For President's Eyes Only! If the nation is under attack, break glass and read". Then after reading, our new POTUS can leave every child behind and hide in a bunker.

  19. Oblios_Cap

    Unlikable jabbering punditurd Mark Halperin

    What a polite way to describe that gibbering fece-flinging goat felching assclown son of a bitch!

  20. HobbesEvilTwin

    Omg. extensive abdication of journalistic purpose is the best phrase ever.

    Will you marry me, Kirsten?

  21. Guppy06

    There is no Hair but Perry and Halperin is His Prophet!

    (What, nobody else was going to take the mulsin angle?)

  22. CapeClod

    Great. Two more pictures of a Republican presidential hopeful looking like they are being amused by a puppet show being staged over the photographer's head.

  23. EatsBabyDingos

    The two pictures of Gov Bubblewrap are from the future. The captions are as follows:

    1: Bantering with counsel.
    2. "Will the Defendant please rise."

  24. JustPixelz

    [Bush] said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

    And that's how we ended up in Iraq looking for Al Queda and WMDs!

    And that's how we ended up with tax cuts and an AA+ downgrade!

    And that's how we ended up torturing people on an extra-territorial military base.

  25. franco_pinyon

    Pearls of wisdom (Hah!) from W. "I wish I had tried that," puts the presidency on par with taking a shot at skydiving, or "Dancing With The Stars" or fraternity hunch-punch.

    1. PristinePantalones

      The only kind of pearls that eejit is good for is a pearl necklace. No wisdom. Drunk, dumb, and fulla come.

  26. EatsBabyDingos

    When Halperin called Obama "kind of a dick" on MSNBC, he meant "jerk." When he says Richard is "kind of a dick" it is a biology lesson.

  27. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Bush "said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, 'I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.'”

    So, we went to war with Iraq for the same reason that Bush used to do body shots on spring break?

    1. DashboardBuddha

      There was no real change from his activity in college to that when he was president. College: Body shots. President: Dead body shots.

  28. Callyson

    Actual quote from Perry, from Time:
    I think it was General Sheridan who said, “If I owned Hell and Texas, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.”
    Good idea, Rick…go for it, dude!

    1. fartknocker

      The correct quote is "You may got to Hell, and I will go to Texas." It was stated by Davy Crockett, who was killed during the Battle of the Alamo.

      Your quote confirms why Perry got a D in U.S. History from TAMU.

  29. powersuit

    I do believe I passed by Mark Halperin and his smug face yesterday in front of the White House. It took a lot of self control to not steer my Bikeshare bike directly into him. It's that smugness. It kills me.

    1. SenileAgitation

      Thanks for the link, disturbing. All over the world "needs more God" seems to be gaining ground.

  30. SheriffRoscoe

    In the interview, Perry states that he is a "pro-business governor and will be a pro-business president." That's right, everyone loves business. Especially when they're advocating for a nice, safe, unregulated workplace. Or relocating all the jerbs to China.

  31. BarackMyWorld

    He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

    This could also be said about taking a vacation to Europe, sleeping with another dude, or experimenting with narcotics.

  32. elviouslyqueer

    Texas is somewhat of a microcosm of the rest of the country, particularly in this first decade of the 21st century. We are very, very cosmopolitan, if you will, very urban, but we have our rural areas. We have an incredible diversity of people [who] live in this state. This is not the Texas of my father. It is a very diverse state. Running for the governorship of the state of Texas, I recognized all the diversity of thought.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *pauses to gasp for breath and wipe tears from eyes* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Also, Rick, while you might have "recognized all the diversity of thought," you actively went out of your way to squelch any "diversity" that didn't include white Anglo-Saxon Christians, and also execute all those pesky "urban" folks. GAH. Just shut up, you pedantic fuckhole.

    1. Negropolis

      "very urban" and "very, very, cosmopolitan" my ass. Just because you have skyscrapers doesn't make your cosmopolitan and/or urban. You can be in the middle of Houston, and feel like your in some sleepy-assed giant suburb.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    Perry's response when asked about his endorsement of Rudy Giuliani and whether that meshed with his conservative credentials:

    Well, you know, I stand on my record. I thought Mayor Giuliani did a wonderful job of managing a city. He was very strong militarily.

    Because if there's one thing we all recognize and admire about New York City, it's its wonderful military. Which is a part of Rick Perry's record, which he stands on. Jesus Christ on a biscuit, I'll bet if Perry's maid didn't put his plate in the exact same spot every meal he would starve to death.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Can you imagine the fit the rest of the country would have if New York City had its own navy, & dispatched it to decimate its rivals (say, L.A., Houston, & New Orleans, among ports, & Boston, Philadelphia, & Miami among sporting or financial rivals)?

  34. greypanter

    I want to report a misprint: "early in this process, when this thing was just kind of popping around." should be: "early in this process, when this thing was just kind of pooping around."

  35. SheriffRoscoe

    So we've got a pro-business governor of Texas with a C-minus college transcript running for president. Go ahead, America. You do that. You deserve it.

    1. proudgrampa

      Aaah, the Dumbing of America continues apace.

      I know I've said this before, but Perry just leaves me incredulous.

  36. OneYieldRegular

    He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

    Well that's just great – running for President because you're having a mid-life crisis.

    At least in California these pricks just buy Porsches and leave their wives for 19 year old aspiring actresses.

  37. mavenmaven

    "He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”"

    I think they were talking about buttsecks.

  38. Ducksworthy

    Perry/Bachman 2012 (my excuse to retire to Costa Rica, but will that be far enough?) Maybe another hemisphere would be safer, or another planet.)

  39. poncho_pilot

    but i thought god talked to Moses through a burning bush. so, this time, the Bush, who was not burning, talked to god who relayed the message to Moses. so who is in charge here? is this in the King James version?

  40. MMathS

    "He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, 'I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.'"

    Walnut's ears are burning!

  41. neiltheblaze

    Well, I hope out of the deepest respect for Mark Halperin that Rick Perry had the common courtesy to shave his balls first.

  42. smitallica

    "Well, I called the shittiest president in history, and he said, 'Fuck it, why not? Can't do worse than I did, right? Heheheheh!'"

  43. lochnessmonster

    So old GW Bush ran for president because it was something to try? A bucket list, no regrets thing? And he tried and failed….

  44. ttommyunger

    "…just kind of popping around….just kind of starting to bubble up…" Sounds kind of frothy. Maybe Santorum was there on the other line, or giving a reacharound. Would that be a dick too, Mark? Just checking with the expert.

  45. StarsUponThars

    Know the difference between God and Rick Perry? God doesn't walk down the street thinking he's Rick Perry.

  46. Negropolis

    "He speaks" sounds more like a line from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein than the Bible, if you ask me.

    He said you don’t want to wake up when you’re 70 and go, “I wish I had tried that. I wish I had done that.”

    This is exactly a good reason to run for president. Forget about thinking you have something to offer the American people. No, it's just about your own ego, your needs, your wants. You see, running for president if a personal plaything for the rich. Why do you run for president? Because you can.

    Honestly, "Texas governor" should be an automatic disqualifier.

  47. Negropolis

    For God so loved America, that he sent his many elected Republican governors, election cylce after election cycle…

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