god's work

Kentucky Will Build an Ark, Sail Away From America’s Problems

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There is a magical place in America where the economy doesn’t exist, and dreams and illiteracy run wild as God smiles down from the Heavens. This place is called “Ark Encounters,” and it is in the state of Kentucky, which apparently is where Jesus or Noah would live, if they came back to save America. The Ark Encounters web site is sort of bizarre and suggests that the people of Kentucky are all going to help build the Ark, maybe? We are not totally sure.

The city of Williamstown in Grant County has agreed to give a biblically themed amusement park a property tax discount of 75 percent over the next 30 years.

The tax deal is in addition to almost $200,000 given to the company by Grant County’s economic development arm as an enticement to keep the project located there, along with 100 acres of reduced-price land.

Officials say the theme park, which will feature a full-size replica of Noah’s Ark, is generally supported in Grant County, but the array of state and local incentives worry some people, who aren’t sure they will pay off in the end.

City Council member and former mayor Glenn Caldwell said he’s still evaluating the numbers.
“I’m trying to be cautious in representing our city,” he said, “making sure people will not be burdened with additional costs because of this project.”

Officials ranging from Skinner to Gov. Steve Beshear have embraced the project, adopting the developer’s projection that 900 full-time and part-time jobs will be created.

So 900 people will build the ark (which is cheating, because didn’t Noah build the real ark all by himself?) and then sail away to nowhere, because Kentucky is landlocked, but oh well, there are no maps at the Creation Museum. [Lexington Herald-Leader]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  • nounverb911

    I can't wait to try out the Jeebus riding a dinosaur ride.

    • bagofmice

      Sorry, but Jesus is strictly new testament, turning water into wine. Testify!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        True … but there's no telling what species that "serpent" in the garden of eatin' was. (Contrary to public opinion, it wasn't me!)

    • Negropolis

      They're called Jesus-Horses.

  • nounverb911

    "There is a magical place in America where the economy doesn’t exist"
    Washington, DC?

    • iburl

      Main Street, USA?

    • bagofmice

      The third paragraph?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba


    • Terry

      Sarah Palin's magic bus or Michele Bachmann's mind?

    • Callyson

      Wall Street?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Are there going to be rides? Is a camera going to take your picture when you reach the peak of Mt. Sinai (hands up in the air, of course). Something tells me that after the novelty wears off, the local Chuck E. Cheese is going to be busier than this joint.

    • bagofmice

      At least I have a good beat when I put my hands up for Detroit.

    • Terry

      The scary ride will be watching the unicorns, who obviously missed the Ark, washing away in the flood waters.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Chuck E. Jeesus?

    • GOPCrusher

      The Jonah And The Whale Log Flume Ride.

  • GhostBuggy

    "…there are no maps at the Creation Museum."

    Maps are just the secular humanists' way to trick you into knowing things.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Those darned meddling humanists: always trying to put thoughts into heads where there weren't any before.

      • DustBowlBlues

        Like the Faux news blowing the lid off the SpongBob conspiracy to push the Global Waming hoax on our kids, without telling the "other side" of gobal warming. It won't work, anyway, because the stories are too difficult for Gretchen Carlson to follow, so how could a child?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          "the stories are too difficult for Gretchen Carlson to follow, so how could a child? "


  • iburl

    "900 full-time and part-time jobs will be created."

    Most of those jobs will be people busily gathering two of each animal in KY.

    Glenn Caldwell, indeed.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      If you gather each animal in K-Y, aren't they going to be too slippery to handle?

    • AJWjr.

      And there's that famous jobs creationism we've all heard so much about.

  • Radiotherapy┬«

    They can have a breeding pair of stink bugs from my house. Also, do they need some herpes specimens, foxes, deer, bats, catfish, snakeheads, copperheads, brown recluse spiders, deer ticks, deer ticks with Lyme titers, cockroaches, mice, skinks, black snakes, crickets, 17 year locusts, pit bulls, feral cats, bed bugs, gas-gangrene strep, TB, MRSA, flesh-eating bacteria, anal condyloma, E.Coli. H1N1, Blue flu, the 1917 spanish flu, Malaria ridden mosquitos, termites, HIV, feline leukemia, H.Pylori, jock itch or gnats?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's quite a selection. Your house sounds …. interesting.

    • Schmannnity

      Republicanus Anus, male and female.

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        I'd rather have room for the herpes really. Or alternately Marcus and Michele because you know they'll never breed.

  • tcaalaw

    And Jesus said, "Render unto the Theme Park Developers thy tax base…."

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Just saying… considering the general obesity of Creationists…. they're gonna need a bigger boat.

    • flamingpdog

      But Noah's Ark held the dinosaurs, so it oughta be able to house the Teatards. The bigger problem will be finding Hoverounds with enough juice to get up the ramp.

  • flamingpdog

    Speaking about the proposed property tax deal, Zovath said the memorandum of agreement with the city is not binding.

    So, this is another shady deal cooked up by Noah-count developers and politicians?

    • Tr0tt0

      Noah-count developers? I will carry that snark with me for the rest of my days.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    A "full-size replica of Noah’s Ark," eh? That's gonna be interesting to see, since it's going to have to be at least four-dimensional if they're going to show the individual spaces within, where Noah managed his reptiles (8,000 species), amphibians (5,000 species), birds (10,000 species), and mammals (5,000 species). The Ark's accomodations for about ten million species of insects and other invertebrates would be cool to see, but I think the tour might get a bit tiresome. Food for the whole lot of them for 40 days must make for an impressive pantry, especially when you consider that there's two of everything.
    Speaking of which, I'm looking forward to the explanation of how Noah managed to come up with males of those parthenogenic Cnemidophorus lizards. All in all, this promises to be a hell of an interesting place.

    • flamingpdog

      Or just Hell.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Not to mention the poop

    • Oblios_Cap

      I'm sure they'll use Time Lord technology. It's bigger on the inside!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      What's a cubit?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Upfist for the Cosby reference. (We're old, aren't we?)

        • CapeClod

          Yes, we are.

          • proudgrampa

            Upfist for the OLDS!!! Hip Hip Hooray.

    • Steverino247

      The answer to all of this is the standard excuse used by religionists everywhere: "You atheists don't understand that God can make anything happen He wants."

      Think of that excuse as being a Fixed Action Pattern, like when gull chicks peck on their parent's bill and food is yakked up for them. Smells about the same, too.

    • AJWjr.

      Also, how the hell does one replicate something that's never been seen, ever?

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        And in all likelihood never existed, the "Noah" story essentially being a re-boot of Gilgamesh…

  • mavenmaven

    I will be somewhere in this park, Noah or his friends are going to play the banjo.

    • sati_demise

      no one will take that bet, ever.

  • MiniMencken

    You funnin' me, Blair? 'Cause if you is, you jes funned yore way into a first-class butt tan. Yessiree, Bob. Don't no one make fun of the Good Book like that in this house.

  • SorosBot

    Kentucky is sailing away? Will they set an open course, on the virgin sea? 'Cause they've got to be free, free to face the life away from Kentucky? An idiot's the captain, so climb aboard, they'll retcon yesterday, at every shore, and they'll try, oh Lord, they'll try, to keep lying on…

    I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise, we climbed aboard their starship, we headed for the skies, singing… (come on, you know the rest).

    • iburl

      Just a good old mayor, just a buildin' an Ark.
      Dinos you never saw, jobs and nachos for your ma,
      A 900 Christian park.

      Brushin' the 'coons, feeding' the squirrels…
      Someday the gibbons might bite 'em but the voles never will.

      Earnin' their pay, the only way they know how,
      That's just a little bit more than Grover Norquist allows.

      Just a good old mayor, taxing Sikhs and Hindus
      To pay for a theme park that just takes a giant shit on their views.

      • SorosBot

        I feel like writing a "Creation Park", to the tune of MacArthur Park by way of Weird Al's spoof Jurassic Park, but it's late and I'm a little drunk. And it's been a weird night, which included seeing a ridiculously drunk girl puke in a planter, then later, while going to a trash can to probably puke again, accidentally flash me and she wasn't wearing any underwear. Full Brazilian, by the way. Nice to see, but I feel guilty to have seen it.

        Also too, someone left the cake out in the rain.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Never apologize for inadvertent peeping. It wasn't as though you were hiding under her bedroom or bathroom window with a periscope.

          • Doktor Zoom

            I dunno about that–the cake left out in the rain sounds like entrapment.

        • AJWjr.

          Your world sounds infinitely more interesting than my world.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Kentucky Shore will make Jersey Shore seem like an evening with the Osmond family.

  • BarackMyWorld

    So Kentucky is going to be known for bourbon, horse racing, and Noah's Ark?

    Seems like 3 things that go together.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilleddoommate

      You forgot SkoalRebel.

    • Negropolis

      You forgot bad teeth. Routinely 49th or 50th in the nation (Kentucky and West Virginia seem to switch spots every other year).

  • Schmannnity

    Wait. This all makes sense. God smote humans, saved mankind in the form of Noah and his family, and they repopulated the Earth. And still today, Kentuckians are procreating with their cousins.

  • vodkamuppet

    I'm so fucking sick of Steve Carrel movies.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Crazy Stupid Love was an improvement on Date Nite. Give it a chance.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilleddoommate

    …"and there's two tortoises that became our Senator. That's called Turtle Power."

  • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/457419391/riot-on-the-dance-floor smokefilleddoommate

    Wow–you can put a piece of the Ark on layaway. And according to "Ken Ham", Sponsorship is tax-deductable*
    *For planks and beams, $75 of the gift will be non-deductible for the value of the Ark model replica received.

    …Sometimes it's deductable, sometimes it's deductible. But most of the time it's a conservative pig making money in the name of religion–like uh, Mr. Ham.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Can they fit in two breeding Liberals?

    • not that Dewey

      Fit? Yes.

      Allow? No.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Noah: "Sorry, Lord, I thought you said two bleeding liberals. Now what are we gonna do?"

      Lord: "Dumbass. Excuse me while I go talk to that daughter you don't get along with."

      • horsedreamer_1

        Bleeding liberals, in Kentucky? You just created a job for Lauren Valle. Now, you deserve a tax-break.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Libruls don't breed. They're too selfish and they abort all they babbies.

  • Negropolis

    I wish Kentucky would build a spaceport and just fly away.

    • not that Dewey

      Do you mean like this one? The wingnuts consider this a boondoggle, almost equivalent to how we view the Ark Museum.

    • bebecca2298

      and take McConnell and Paul with us? (I live in KY), one of the few atheist liberals in the state (aside from hubby and son).

    • OurHoboSenator

      But then where would people in Cincinnati buy cheap alcohol and cigarettes?

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Sail away, sail away.
    Please take your ark and go drown in Charleston Bay.

  • ttommyunger

    Whenever you find Stupid and Grifting getting together, the taxpayer always seems to wind up taking it in the ass.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Bon voyage, y'all. In private, the promoters are more pantheistic in their mythology, referring to the whole project as "The Golden Fleece."

  • Naked_Bunny

    900 jobs? The original ark was built and operated by, like, six people.

    • MissusBarry

      But this one will have concessions. And people with golf carts to rescue those who run out of scooter juice. I'm sure these jobs will all pay a living wage and offer health insurance and pensions. Kentucky's saved.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The 700 Club, 199 consultants, attorneys, and CPAs, and Mel Gibson to film the whole thing.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Come sale away…come sale away…come sale away with thee

  • MissusBarry

    Honey badger will eat them all, as it's well known he don't give a shit.

    • AJWjr.

      Maybe that's what happened to the unicorns? The Irish Rovers didn't know squat, if so.

      • MissusBarry

        Many upfists for an Irish Rovers reference.

        Perhaps Jeebus will visit the ark and answer the timeless question…why does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight.

    • OzoneTom

      Honey Badger is a badass!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Between the building codes and animal safety regulations, Noah would have been lucky to build a rowboat today.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Those PETA whackjobs are going to be all over his ass.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Didn't Homer Simpson also get involved in a promising monorail project, maybe the ark needs a monorail…

  • neiltheblaze

    I'd love to hear the argument they'll have about how big a "cubit" is.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    LOL, that dumb Donna D'Errico thought Noah's Ark was in Turkey!

    "Donna D'Errico's ambitious quest to find Noah's Ark has been cancelled because the former Baywatch beauty feared for her safety."

  • Deuce_MacInaugh

    I went to the Creationist Museum this summer, to laugh, which I did, but not around the other visitors, for fear they would sit on me.

  • horsedreamer_1

    It won't be a sea-battle, but I look forward to ArKentucky's duel on the Ohio River with the heathen Riverboat Casino(s).

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They'll be missing a sure bet if they don't have a Sodom and Gomorrah ride.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I was thinking a hotel and casino, at least.

    • AJWjr.

      And there's the buttsechs reference we've been missing!

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Sodom and Gomorrah rides are exhausting. I was stuck on one for six hours last night, and all I got was this lousy torn foreskin.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Guess that's better than a deviated rectum, though.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Who's going to be the lucky one to chose the only two people of the 900 allowed to go? That's two, assholes. Read The Book!

    • Grief_Lessons

      Is it impolite to point out that in Gen 6:19 God instructs Noah to take two of each animal, and in Genesis 7:2 he tells him to take seven pairs of each? Not that the Bible is full of factual contradictions, or anything.

      • RedneckMuslin

        Clearly, Genesis 7:2 was a typo (can't blame them since it was chisel to rock). God was telling him to take seven pairs of socks (a pair for each day of the week) since they'll get wet.

  • Sue4466

    Kentucky is only landlocked if you believe in the theory of geography instead of acknowledging the Creator's hand in intelligent waterways.

  • metamarcisf

    I want to be there at the grand opening when they actually try and load two of every land animal onto this seaworthy structure and launch it on the Ohio River. Won't be hard to find two Rhinos, though. Chris Christie and John McCain will be first in line.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Uhhh… mating that pair is gonna be an ugly business.

  • arihaya

    Tax cuts for idiocy rides,, but no tax cuts for school. And they surely give pay cut for teacher too.

    Seems like an idiocracy in the making.

  • Mahousu

    I'm not sure there's enough gopher wood in all of Kentucky to pull this off. Gophers, yes, but they have some structural limitations.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    We'll all be building arks when Perry/Palin 2012 take the helm….

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Not quite, Canadians will be working on a wall

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    It's like their own Disney park. Call it Fantasy Land. Or Yesterday Land. Or Crazy Land.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    I think of the Noah's ark and the flood as an ironic story. The Holy Land (the real one, not the Florida theme park) is somewhat arid. In Biblical times, people would endure droughts and famines, praying for rain. In the Noah story, their prayers are answered. And answered and answered. Until pretty much everyone is dead. Be careful what you pray for.

  • Steverino247

    Will they have two pedobears?

  • GeorgiaBurning

    They should realize that this all ends with piles of dirt, subcontractors suing the county, and a few million down the drain with a developer who's skipped town; all as foretold in Revelations chapter 7.

  • CalamityJames

    I have a hard time taking an ark story seriously when it involves a 30 year tax break.

  • user-of-owls

    Good luck 'splainin' to the beaners what a cubit is.

    Boss: Y'all need to measure these plank-os to cwato cubits each, comprende?
    Juan: [Wha he say?]
    Pepe: [Something about using our elbow to measure? I got no idea what the pinche cabron wants this time.}
    Boss: So, cubits right? Or as you people say it, 'cubitos'.
    Juan: [Cubitos?! Like those little flavor packet from Maggi that you use to make soup?]
    Pepe:Joo mean use cubitos boss?
    Boss; [nodding wildly up and down] That's right, boy, Cue-Bee-Toes!
    Juan;[So this fulano wants us to build a boat made out of dissolvable flavoring packets?]
    Pepe: [*shrug*]
    Juan :[*shrug*]

  • user-of-owls

    Kentucky Will Build an Ark, Sail Away From America's Problems

    And Ark Will Build a Ken, And Write an Epistolary Novel, as if it Were Paul Writing the Galatians.


    Shouldn't an Ark be built in Arkansas instead?

  • jus_wonderin

    As I remember it, as Noah finished the Ark, the first mammals he brought aboard were cute puppies with balloons tied to their collars.

  • http://www.deathwishcreeps.com/about/ JP Ennui

    Well they rebuilt the Tower of Babel, so why didn't they rebuild Sodom?

  • HelmutNewton

    Looks like some Dutch Bible-thumper already beat them to it. Wait, what!?!

  • AntonovBureau

    Aren't all these tax breaks, cheap land and government subsidies a little, ah, well you know, a bit like Socialist government waste? Can't we just let the free market decide about this?

  • http://sahinnparadisegelenekselramazancoskusu.net/ ┼čahinnparadise
  • flamingpdog

    Am I on Candid Camera?!?

    Yes, definitely old.