GOD'S WORK  11:22 pm August 10, 2011

Kentucky Will Build an Ark, Sail Away From America’s Problems

by Blair Burke

There is a magical place in America where the economy doesn’t exist, and dreams and illiteracy run wild as God smiles down from the Heavens. This place is called “Ark Encounters,” and it is in the state of Kentucky, which apparently is where Jesus or Noah would live, if they came back to save America. The Ark Encounters web site is sort of bizarre and suggests that the people of Kentucky are all going to help build the Ark, maybe? We are not totally sure.

The city of Williamstown in Grant County has agreed to give a biblically themed amusement park a property tax discount of 75 percent over the next 30 years.

The tax deal is in addition to almost $200,000 given to the company by Grant County’s economic development arm as an enticement to keep the project located there, along with 100 acres of reduced-price land.

Officials say the theme park, which will feature a full-size replica of Noah’s Ark, is generally supported in Grant County, but the array of state and local incentives worry some people, who aren’t sure they will pay off in the end.

City Council member and former mayor Glenn Caldwell said he’s still evaluating the numbers.
“I’m trying to be cautious in representing our city,” he said, “making sure people will not be burdened with additional costs because of this project.”

Officials ranging from Skinner to Gov. Steve Beshear have embraced the project, adopting the developer’s projection that 900 full-time and part-time jobs will be created.

So 900 people will build the ark (which is cheating, because didn’t Noah build the real ark all by himself?) and then sail away to nowhere, because Kentucky is landlocked, but oh well, there are no maps at the Creation Museum. [Lexington Herald-Leader]

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nounverb911 August 10, 2011 at 11:26 pm

I can't wait to try out the Jeebus riding a dinosaur ride.

bagofmice August 10, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Sorry, but Jesus is strictly new testament, turning water into wine. Testify!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 7:53 am

True … but there's no telling what species that "serpent" in the garden of eatin' was. (Contrary to public opinion, it wasn't me!)

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 3:18 am

They're called Jesus-Horses.

nounverb911 August 10, 2011 at 11:27 pm

"There is a magical place in America where the economy doesn’t exist"
Washington, DC?

iburl August 10, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Main Street, USA?

bagofmice August 11, 2011 at 12:00 am

The third paragraph?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 7:54 am


Terry August 11, 2011 at 8:56 am

Sarah Palin's magic bus or Michele Bachmann's mind?

Callyson August 11, 2011 at 11:46 am

Wall Street?

Texan_Bulldog August 10, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Are there going to be rides? Is a camera going to take your picture when you reach the peak of Mt. Sinai (hands up in the air, of course). Something tells me that after the novelty wears off, the local Chuck E. Cheese is going to be busier than this joint.

bagofmice August 11, 2011 at 12:03 am

At least I have a good beat when I put my hands up for Detroit.

Terry August 11, 2011 at 8:57 am

The scary ride will be watching the unicorns, who obviously missed the Ark, washing away in the flood waters.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 11:50 am

Chuck E. Jeesus?

GOPCrusher August 11, 2011 at 2:33 pm

The Jonah And The Whale Log Flume Ride.

GhostBuggy August 10, 2011 at 11:43 pm

"…there are no maps at the Creation Museum."

Maps are just the secular humanists' way to trick you into knowing things.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 12:18 am

Those darned meddling humanists: always trying to put thoughts into heads where there weren't any before.

DustBowlBlues August 11, 2011 at 10:06 am

Like the Faux news blowing the lid off the SpongBob conspiracy to push the Global Waming hoax on our kids, without telling the "other side" of gobal warming. It won't work, anyway, because the stories are too difficult for Gretchen Carlson to follow, so how could a child?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 13, 2011 at 12:10 pm

"the stories are too difficult for Gretchen Carlson to follow, so how could a child? "


iburl August 10, 2011 at 11:48 pm

"900 full-time and part-time jobs will be created."

Most of those jobs will be people busily gathering two of each animal in KY.

Glenn Caldwell, indeed.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 8:47 am

If you gather each animal in K-Y, aren't they going to be too slippery to handle?

AJWjr. August 11, 2011 at 11:42 am

And there's that famous jobs creationism we've all heard so much about.

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 11:52 pm

They can have a breeding pair of stink bugs from my house. Also, do they need some herpes specimens, foxes, deer, bats, catfish, snakeheads, copperheads, brown recluse spiders, deer ticks, deer ticks with Lyme titers, cockroaches, mice, skinks, black snakes, crickets, 17 year locusts, pit bulls, feral cats, bed bugs, gas-gangrene strep, TB, MRSA, flesh-eating bacteria, anal condyloma, E.Coli. H1N1, Blue flu, the 1917 spanish flu, Malaria ridden mosquitos, termites, HIV, feline leukemia, H.Pylori, jock itch or gnats?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 12:16 am

That's quite a selection. Your house sounds …. interesting.

Schmannnity August 11, 2011 at 12:56 am

Republicanus Anus, male and female.

KenLayIsAlive August 11, 2011 at 3:58 am

I'd rather have room for the herpes really. Or alternately Marcus and Michele because you know they'll never breed.

tcaalaw August 11, 2011 at 12:01 am

And Jesus said, "Render unto the Theme Park Developers thy tax base…."

flamingpdog August 11, 2011 at 12:15 am
ManchuCandidate August 11, 2011 at 12:03 am

Just saying… considering the general obesity of Creationists…. they're gonna need a bigger boat.

flamingpdog August 11, 2011 at 12:06 am

But Noah's Ark held the dinosaurs, so it oughta be able to house the Teatards. The bigger problem will be finding Hoverounds with enough juice to get up the ramp.

flamingpdog August 11, 2011 at 12:03 am

Speaking about the proposed property tax deal, Zovath said the memorandum of agreement with the city is not binding.

So, this is another shady deal cooked up by Noah-count developers and politicians?

Tr0tt0 August 11, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Noah-count developers? I will carry that snark with me for the rest of my days.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 12:07 am

A "full-size replica of Noah’s Ark," eh? That's gonna be interesting to see, since it's going to have to be at least four-dimensional if they're going to show the individual spaces within, where Noah managed his reptiles (8,000 species), amphibians (5,000 species), birds (10,000 species), and mammals (5,000 species). The Ark's accomodations for about ten million species of insects and other invertebrates would be cool to see, but I think the tour might get a bit tiresome. Food for the whole lot of them for 40 days must make for an impressive pantry, especially when you consider that there's two of everything.
Speaking of which, I'm looking forward to the explanation of how Noah managed to come up with males of those parthenogenic Cnemidophorus lizards. All in all, this promises to be a hell of an interesting place.

flamingpdog August 11, 2011 at 12:10 am

Or just Hell.

ManchuCandidate August 11, 2011 at 12:21 am

Not to mention the poop

Oblios_Cap August 11, 2011 at 8:06 am

I'm sure they'll use Time Lord technology. It's bigger on the inside!

BaldarTFlagass August 11, 2011 at 8:26 am

What's a cubit?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 8:33 am

Upfist for the Cosby reference. (We're old, aren't we?)

CapeClod August 11, 2011 at 10:47 am

Yes, we are.

proudgrampa August 11, 2011 at 11:20 am

Upfist for the OLDS!!! Hip Hip Hooray.

Steverino247 August 11, 2011 at 11:32 am

The answer to all of this is the standard excuse used by religionists everywhere: "You atheists don't understand that God can make anything happen He wants."

Think of that excuse as being a Fixed Action Pattern, like when gull chicks peck on their parent's bill and food is yakked up for them. Smells about the same, too.

AJWjr. August 11, 2011 at 11:45 am

Also, how the hell does one replicate something that's never been seen, ever?

GunToting[Redacted] August 11, 2011 at 6:29 pm

And in all likelihood never existed, the "Noah" story essentially being a re-boot of Gilgamesh…

mavenmaven August 11, 2011 at 12:09 am

I will be somewhere in this park, Noah or his friends are going to play the banjo.

sati_demise August 11, 2011 at 12:19 am

no one will take that bet, ever.

MiniMencken August 11, 2011 at 12:22 am

You funnin' me, Blair? 'Cause if you is, you jes funned yore way into a first-class butt tan. Yessiree, Bob. Don't no one make fun of the Good Book like that in this house.

SorosBot August 11, 2011 at 12:28 am

Kentucky is sailing away? Will they set an open course, on the virgin sea? 'Cause they've got to be free, free to face the life away from Kentucky? An idiot's the captain, so climb aboard, they'll retcon yesterday, at every shore, and they'll try, oh Lord, they'll try, to keep lying on…

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise, we climbed aboard their starship, we headed for the skies, singing… (come on, you know the rest).

iburl August 11, 2011 at 12:54 am

Just a good old mayor, just a buildin' an Ark.
Dinos you never saw, jobs and nachos for your ma,
A 900 Christian park.

Brushin' the 'coons, feeding' the squirrels…
Someday the gibbons might bite 'em but the voles never will.

Earnin' their pay, the only way they know how,
That's just a little bit more than Grover Norquist allows.

Just a good old mayor, taxing Sikhs and Hindus
To pay for a theme park that just takes a giant shit on their views.

SorosBot August 11, 2011 at 1:16 am

I feel like writing a "Creation Park", to the tune of MacArthur Park by way of Weird Al's spoof Jurassic Park, but it's late and I'm a little drunk. And it's been a weird night, which included seeing a ridiculously drunk girl puke in a planter, then later, while going to a trash can to probably puke again, accidentally flash me and she wasn't wearing any underwear. Full Brazilian, by the way. Nice to see, but I feel guilty to have seen it.

Also too, someone left the cake out in the rain.

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 9:44 am

Never apologize for inadvertent peeping. It wasn't as though you were hiding under her bedroom or bathroom window with a periscope.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 11:55 am

I dunno about that–the cake left out in the rain sounds like entrapment.

AJWjr. August 11, 2011 at 11:48 am

Your world sounds infinitely more interesting than my world.

KenLayIsAlive August 11, 2011 at 4:02 am

Kentucky Shore will make Jersey Shore seem like an evening with the Osmond family.

BarackMyWorld August 11, 2011 at 12:32 am

So Kentucky is going to be known for bourbon, horse racing, and Noah's Ark?

Seems like 3 things that go together.

smokefilleddoommate August 11, 2011 at 2:50 am

You forgot SkoalRebel.

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 3:24 am

You forgot bad teeth. Routinely 49th or 50th in the nation (Kentucky and West Virginia seem to switch spots every other year).

Schmannnity August 11, 2011 at 12:45 am

Wait. This all makes sense. God smote humans, saved mankind in the form of Noah and his family, and they repopulated the Earth. And still today, Kentuckians are procreating with their cousins.

iburl August 11, 2011 at 1:05 am

They will surely also want to re-create Noah getting drunk and naked.

vodkamuppet August 11, 2011 at 1:20 am

I'm so fucking sick of Steve Carrel movies.

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 9:45 am

Crazy Stupid Love was an improvement on Date Nite. Give it a chance.

smokefilleddoommate August 11, 2011 at 1:35 am

…"and there's two tortoises that became our Senator. That's called Turtle Power."

smokefilleddoommate August 11, 2011 at 1:43 am

Wow–you can put a piece of the Ark on layaway. And according to "Ken Ham", Sponsorship is tax-deductable*
*For planks and beams, $75 of the gift will be non-deductible for the value of the Ark model replica received.

…Sometimes it's deductable, sometimes it's deductible. But most of the time it's a conservative pig making money in the name of religion–like uh, Mr. Ham.

SudsMcKenzie August 11, 2011 at 1:44 am

Can they fit in two breeding Liberals?

not that Dewey August 11, 2011 at 8:35 am

Fit? Yes.

Allow? No.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 8:38 am

Noah: "Sorry, Lord, I thought you said two bleeding liberals. Now what are we gonna do?"

Lord: "Dumbass. Excuse me while I go talk to that daughter you don't get along with."

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 9:47 am

Bleeding liberals, in Kentucky? You just created a job for Lauren Valle. Now, you deserve a tax-break.

Doktor Zoom August 11, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Libruls don't breed. They're too selfish and they abort all they babbies.

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 3:13 am

I wish Kentucky would build a spaceport and just fly away.

not that Dewey August 11, 2011 at 8:34 am

Do you mean like this one? The wingnuts consider this a boondoggle, almost equivalent to how we view the Ark Museum.

bebecca2298 August 11, 2011 at 9:26 am

and take McConnell and Paul with us? (I live in KY), one of the few atheist liberals in the state (aside from hubby and son).

OurHoboSenator August 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

But then where would people in Cincinnati buy cheap alcohol and cigarettes?

ShaveTheWhales August 11, 2011 at 3:34 am

Sail away, sail away.
Please take your ark and go drown in Charleston Bay.

ttommyunger August 11, 2011 at 6:38 am

Whenever you find Stupid and Grifting getting together, the taxpayer always seems to wind up taking it in the ass.

FlownOver August 11, 2011 at 7:31 am

Bon voyage, y'all. In private, the promoters are more pantheistic in their mythology, referring to the whole project as "The Golden Fleece."

Naked_Bunny August 11, 2011 at 7:32 am

900 jobs? The original ark was built and operated by, like, six people.

MissusBarry August 11, 2011 at 8:05 am

But this one will have concessions. And people with golf carts to rescue those who run out of scooter juice. I'm sure these jobs will all pay a living wage and offer health insurance and pensions. Kentucky's saved.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 8:44 am

The 700 Club, 199 consultants, attorneys, and CPAs, and Mel Gibson to film the whole thing.

DashboardBuddha August 11, 2011 at 7:55 am

Come sale away…come sale away…come sale away with thee

MissusBarry August 11, 2011 at 8:07 am

Honey badger will eat them all, as it's well known he don't give a shit.

AJWjr. August 11, 2011 at 11:55 am

Maybe that's what happened to the unicorns? The Irish Rovers didn't know squat, if so.

MissusBarry August 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Many upfists for an Irish Rovers reference.

Perhaps Jeebus will visit the ark and answer the timeless question…why does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight.

OzoneTom August 11, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Honey Badger is a badass!

johnnyzhivago August 11, 2011 at 8:25 am

Between the building codes and animal safety regulations, Noah would have been lucky to build a rowboat today.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 8:45 am

Those PETA whackjobs are going to be all over his ass.

BZ1 August 11, 2011 at 8:27 am

Didn't Homer Simpson also get involved in a promising monorail project, maybe the ark needs a monorail…

neiltheblaze August 11, 2011 at 8:28 am

I'd love to hear the argument they'll have about how big a "cubit" is.

DerrickWildcat August 11, 2011 at 8:47 am

LOL, that dumb Donna D'Errico thought Noah's Ark was in Turkey!

"Donna D'Errico's ambitious quest to find Noah's Ark has been cancelled because the former Baywatch beauty feared for her safety."

Deuce_MacInaugh August 11, 2011 at 8:55 am

I went to the Creationist Museum this summer, to laugh, which I did, but not around the other visitors, for fear they would sit on me.

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 9:00 am

It won't be a sea-battle, but I look forward to ArKentucky's duel on the Ohio River with the heathen Riverboat Casino(s).

BaldarTFlagass August 11, 2011 at 9:14 am

They'll be missing a sure bet if they don't have a Sodom and Gomorrah ride.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 9:46 am

I was thinking a hotel and casino, at least.

AJWjr. August 11, 2011 at 11:56 am

And there's the buttsechs reference we've been missing!

natoslug August 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Sodom and Gomorrah rides are exhausting. I was stuck on one for six hours last night, and all I got was this lousy torn foreskin.

BaldarTFlagass August 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Guess that's better than a deviated rectum, though.

RedneckMuslin August 11, 2011 at 9:26 am

Who's going to be the lucky one to chose the only two people of the 900 allowed to go? That's two, assholes. Read The Book!

Grief_Lessons August 11, 2011 at 9:55 am

Is it impolite to point out that in Gen 6:19 God instructs Noah to take two of each animal, and in Genesis 7:2 he tells him to take seven pairs of each? Not that the Bible is full of factual contradictions, or anything.

RedneckMuslin August 11, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Clearly, Genesis 7:2 was a typo (can't blame them since it was chisel to rock). God was telling him to take seven pairs of socks (a pair for each day of the week) since they'll get wet.

Sue4466 August 11, 2011 at 9:27 am

Kentucky is only landlocked if you believe in the theory of geography instead of acknowledging the Creator's hand in intelligent waterways.

metamarcisf August 11, 2011 at 9:37 am

I want to be there at the grand opening when they actually try and load two of every land animal onto this seaworthy structure and launch it on the Ohio River. Won't be hard to find two Rhinos, though. Chris Christie and John McCain will be first in line.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 9:44 am

Uhhh… mating that pair is gonna be an ugly business.

arihaya August 11, 2011 at 9:49 am

Tax cuts for idiocy rides,, but no tax cuts for school. And they surely give pay cut for teacher too.

Seems like an idiocracy in the making.

Mahousu August 11, 2011 at 10:37 am

I'm not sure there's enough gopher wood in all of Kentucky to pull this off. Gophers, yes, but they have some structural limitations.

johnnyzhivago August 11, 2011 at 11:11 am

We'll all be building arks when Perry/Palin 2012 take the helm….

GeorgiaBurning August 11, 2011 at 11:41 am

Not quite, Canadians will be working on a wall

JustPixelz August 11, 2011 at 11:26 am

It's like their own Disney park. Call it Fantasy Land. Or Yesterday Land. Or Crazy Land.

JustPixelz August 11, 2011 at 11:30 am

I think of the Noah's ark and the flood as an ironic story. The Holy Land (the real one, not the Florida theme park) is somewhat arid. In Biblical times, people would endure droughts and famines, praying for rain. In the Noah story, their prayers are answered. And answered and answered. Until pretty much everyone is dead. Be careful what you pray for.

Steverino247 August 11, 2011 at 11:34 am

Will they have two pedobears?

GeorgiaBurning August 11, 2011 at 11:40 am

They should realize that this all ends with piles of dirt, subcontractors suing the county, and a few million down the drain with a developer who's skipped town; all as foretold in Revelations chapter 7.

CalamityJames August 11, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I have a hard time taking an ark story seriously when it involves a 30 year tax break.

user-of-owls August 11, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Good luck 'splainin' to the beaners what a cubit is.

Boss: Y'all need to measure these plank-os to cwato cubits each, comprende?
Juan: [Wha he say?]
Pepe: [Something about using our elbow to measure? I got no idea what the pinche cabron wants this time.}
Boss: So, cubits right? Or as you people say it, 'cubitos'.
Juan: [Cubitos?! Like those little flavor packet from Maggi that you use to make soup?]
Pepe:Joo mean use cubitos boss?
Boss; [nodding wildly up and down] That's right, boy, Cue-Bee-Toes!
Juan;[So this fulano wants us to build a boat made out of dissolvable flavoring packets?]
Pepe: [*shrug*]
Juan :[*shrug*]

user-of-owls August 11, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Kentucky Will Build an Ark, Sail Away From America's Problems

And Ark Will Build a Ken, And Write an Epistolary Novel, as if it Were Paul Writing the Galatians.

BTWBFDIMHO August 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Shouldn't an Ark be built in Arkansas instead?

jus_wonderin August 11, 2011 at 2:28 pm

As I remember it, as Noah finished the Ark, the first mammals he brought aboard were cute puppies with balloons tied to their collars.

JP Ennui August 11, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Well they rebuilt the Tower of Babel, so why didn't they rebuild Sodom?

HelmutNewton August 11, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Looks like some Dutch Bible-thumper already beat them to it. Wait, what!?!

AntonovBureau August 13, 2011 at 11:17 am

Aren't all these tax breaks, cheap land and government subsidies a little, ah, well you know, a bit like Socialist government waste? Can't we just let the free market decide about this?

┼čahinnparadise August 13, 2011 at 3:56 pm
flamingpdog August 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Am I on Candid Camera?!?

Yes, definitely old.

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