insanity contests

Michele Bachmann Terrorized By… What, Today… 15th Century Art

michele prefers the medieval times fairs.The “Michele Bachmann is insane” news stories every day now are getting to the point where we are all just doing a sort of Michele Bachmann Mad Libs each time, something along the lines of, “Michele Bachmann is terrified of _(noun)_ because Jesus once told her in a dream that _(U.S. federal agency name)_ sodomized someone from _(book of the Bible)_ and started making  _(genocidal dictator name)_ insist in writing that her husband ask to be called _(gay male stripper name)_ every time they hold hands.” Today’s Michele Mad Libs winner is the LA Times with their article “Michele Bachmann lives in fear of Renaissance Fairs” for pointing out that Leonardo Da Vinci’s 15th-century art is on her list of terror suspects charged with ruining America. Time to Guantanamo that Leonardo bitch!

The LA Times is mostly expanding off the recent New Yorker profile of Bachmann, which is fascinating reading if you were somehow previously unaware the she is utterly insane.

So what makes this particular fictional menace full of horror and abortion if you are Michele Bachmann?

Bachmann “belongs to a generation of Christian conservatives whose views have been shaped by institutions, tracts, and leaders not commonly known to secular Americans, or even to most Christians,” writes Ryan Lizza, who spent four days on the campaign trail talking with the candidate and her husband. He chronicles Bachmann’s enthusiasm for the extreme evangelical teachings of the late Presbyterian Pastor Francis Schaeffer, commonly regarded as having sparked the 1970s rise of the Christian Right. Schaeffer loved visiting Florence, Italy, where his idea of Renaissance ruin is on full display.

Bachmann also adores Schaeffer follower Nancy Pearcey, a prominent creationist whose recent book is “Saving Leonardo: A Call to Resist the Secular Assault on Mind, Morals, and Meaning.” That’s Leonardo as in “da Vinci,” whose famous drawing of “Vitruvian Man” shows a human being inscribed within a perfect circle and a perfect square. The artist made the ungodly error of putting humanity at the center of time and space.

Awesome, thanks. Next time America falls off the map, please look for us all in the padded room in the basement giving speeches to shelves of Halloween ornament bins as we continue deconstructing Michele Bachmann’s selfish, paradoxical and paranoid existence. [LA Times]

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225 comments

    1. Negropolis

      Ha! I was thinking the same thing. I'd have thought they'd have been offended, first, by his brazen nakedness.

      1. PristinePantalones

        Brazen nakedness is fine for Teh Men. It's when Teh Wimminz get all brazen and nekky that you have to pull a John Ashcroft and cover up their boobies.

  1. JoshuaNorton

    views have been shaped by institutions, tracts, and leaders not commonly known to secular Americans

    How nice. Kind of like the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

    As a closet Pastafarian, I can dig it.

    1. genxr

      Blessed are the cheesemakers, for they shall provide toppings. In the name of the pasta, the sauce, and the spicy meatball, ramen.

  2. Callyson

    Now we know the reason behind Mona Lisa's mysterious smile, and what she was thinking…
    "We may not be as advanced technologically as people in the 21st century will be, but at least we are not as insane…"

    1. LetUsBray

      Some of my students told me a few months back that Mona Lisa is actually Leonardo's boyfriend. Of course, my students tell me a lot of things.

  3. imissopus

    If there is really a God, He will make Michele the nominee, because in His infinite wisdom He knows that all us U.S. Americans need a good laugh these days.

    1. Negropolis

      It is said that god does not give us more than we can bear. If that is true, there is no way he'd loose Michele Bachmann on the American people.

    1. RavenRant

      Of course, that amount of wrinklage on a male politician would be just enough to make him 'distinguished' and 'presidential'.

  4. bravo_sierra

    So… she wants to return to pre-Renaissance society? I'm no historian, but I think that time was known as the Dark Ages for good reason. Pretty much the worst time to be alive, ever.

    1. CZL

      But Christianity was in charge! Well, of white people anyway. Except where the pagans resisted them. And those learned Ay-rabs and Jews who they would later blame for spreading plague, although the Levantine doctors were really the ones that knew how to stop it, since they'd kept up the physick the Europeans had lost.

      1. Guppy06

        No, Catholicism was in charge. Christianity before Luther, Calvin and the Puritans fixed it doesn't count.

        1. Mapmonger

          Yeah, but Bachmann doesn't really care, whoops I mean KNOW that. She would have to read real books about real history first.

    2. mrpuma2u

      Get thee to a Nunnery, Michele!!! Certainly that bawdy hippie Shakespeare is next in the crosshairs.

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, if da Vinci was really that great of artist, wouldn't the Mona Lisa be staring out blankly into space instead of at the viewer?

      1. unclejeems

        Um, Kinkade "wrote" a book once. My wife helped in the process by, uh, "editing" it for him. See how that works? Anyway, along the way, Kinkade somehow came up with the idea of calling himself as the "spokesman for simplicity."

        Anyway, I said that just to say, every time I see another frightening mug-shot of Bachmann, I think of her as the spokeswoman of simplicity. And not in a good way.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      If da Vinci was REALLY a great artist, the Mona Lisa would be smiling enigmatically at a spot about eleven inches to the left of the viewer.

    2. pinkocommi

      Bachmann dislikes da Vinci only because she knows he would have perfectly captured her crazy eyes and thus revealed her to be the batshit insane person that she is.

    3. DashboardBuddha

      I wish I were good at photoediting. I can see a 'shop of the Mona Lisa with Crazycake's (Hat tip to MinAgain) eyes and grimacing mouth.

  6. Serolf_Divad

    It's like "The Davinci Code" for evangelicals: an uber reactionary, but equally hoakey inversion.

    Why doesn't this surprise me?

  7. emmelemm

    It's all become crystal clear: these people really want to make the last 600 years or so of scientific discovery disappear – like it never happened.

    Newton shouldn't have been lazing about under that apple tree. He should have been in church, praying.

      1. lumpenprole

        These idiots have institutions of "higher learning" where they teach themselves that a barbarous and illiterate age had it right.

  8. nappyduggs

    After she rolls off Leo, the next logical step is to have a massive prayer rally for the Leaning Tower of Pisa. 'Cuz, you know, Jesus can make it straight.

    1. Negropolis

      Okay, you just won the internetz for the night.

      As it currently stands, the Tower of Pisa is existing in lop-sided sin.

  9. GregComlish

    Little known fact: Leonard DeVinci was a member of the Renaissance military-industrial complex. He used his outsized reputation as a genius to bilk princes out of wealth. He promised to innovate fabulous weapons and fortifications for them, but squandered the money and never delivered anything practical He was Lockheed of his era. I'm surprised Republicans aren't naming airports after this guy.

    1. ArmoredLibunatic

      Case in point: His tank with hand-cranked wheels that would've made the wheels move in opposite directions, thus rendering it completely immobile.

    2. SoBeach

      "He promised to innovate fabulous weapons and fortifications for them, but squandered the money…"

      But what did he squander it ON? This is important. If he squandered it on wine and Italian women then…damn…how do you thumbs up a guy who's been dead for centuries?

    3. Negropolis

      He used his outsized reputation as a genius to bilk princes out of wealth.

      Well, that's most definitely preferable to being bilked by Nigerian princes, I'll tell you what.

      Don't hate the player; hate the game, my friend.

  10. Rotundo_

    I remember when she first popped up out of the northwoods and brought out the crazy. It was a novelty then, but she would have to really have to go out there after all of this. Is it possible to be so nuts that people stop noticing after sufficient exposure to it? If it is, Mish has achieved it. Short of documented eyewitness live video of Mish getting done by a roller derby queen wearing a strap on in front of the Lincoln Memorial not much can surprise me about this one. Husband is a closet case, yep, scared of lesbians, yep, believes we should go back to the dark ages as an example of "the good ol' days" sure. no surprises any more from this one.

    1. 102415

      I still remember that first photo of her face raping Bush while wearing all that big chunky jewelry. She scared the shit out of him.

      1. PristinePantalones

        One of the very, very few, vanishingly few times I actually felt sorry for the Chimp Chump. He looked like he was trying to peel her bodily off him, and she would not let go~! Because she hasn't had her some MAN-touch in, what, forty years?

    2. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Remember the New Heights Charter School in Stillwater she help start? The other parents kicked her out after a short time because she insisted on putting so much Jesus into the curriculum that they couldn’t get government funding.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Because he can't bring himself to stop pranging her anus. That's what will fix her gaze.

  11. Blendergoathead

    Meh. If she was afraid of busty fortune tellers, that would be one thing; medieval jousting, another. The Renaissance? Bag of specially delivered poisoned dicks in three, two, one…

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Palin's been on the discount shelf for about 2 years, so count on more crazy from Chele.

  12. WhatTheHeck

    The fluoride the government has been putting in the water has finally made Michelle into a babbling idiot.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Oddly enough, it only had that effect on her. The rest of America put together ain't half as dumb and crazy.

  13. fuflans

    Ryan Lizza, who spent four days on the campaign trail talking with the candidate and her husband

    that's some serious trauma right there.

    1. Blendergoathead

      re Ryan Lizza – after writing for The New Republic for a number of years, I think that boy has seen enough to have developed some personal coping mechanisms when dealing with The Crazy.

  14. PuckStopsHere

    It will be nice once she is elected and within days the scarlet letter "A's" are branded onto the foreheads of, well, every Republic member of Congress, pretty much.

  15. Texan_Bulldog

    Sounds like Dan Brown could write a book about Shelly and have Robert Langdon go around the world searching for what's left of her marbles.

    1. PristinePantalones

      What has Robert Langdon ever done to you to deserve such treatment? Isn't that as quixotic a quest as searching for hens' teeth?

  16. MLHencken

    You know, I love Florence. It is a beautiful city, incredibly rich in history, art, and architecture.

    When I read shit like this, or think of those idiots from the Jersey shore frolicking over there, I know Brunelleschi weeps.

  17. ttommyunger

    Only in 'Merika would an obviously unhinged Alpha Bitch like her gain Media attention AND a following beyond a few diehard tent meeting types.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I don't know about that. Jean Marie Le Pen, Vladimir Zhironovsky, & Joseph Estrada had a nice run in the 90s.

  18. BarackMyWorld

    Wow…Even the town that banned dancing in "Footloose" wouldn't have been reactionary enough for this woman.

  19. JackObin

    I wonder what that supremely stupid american female has hanging on the wall of her ward room? I'm guessing that sweet "painting" of the dogs playing cards. Either that or a portrait of Little Georgie Bush.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Li'l Georgeya in a Kinkade-lighted portrait. With extra-big weepy Japanese anime eyes. Flanked by poker-playing dogs, with Republican Jesus and his AK-47 in the background.

  20. Suck My Balls

    I just hope my LSD laboratory is up and running before she gets sworn in. To tell you the truth I'm kind of looking forward to this.

    1. JustPixelz

      If she owned a mental health clinic, it would be called, "My Cure".

      If she owned a optician's practice, it would be called "My Cure"

      If she owned a gay bar, it would be called "His Cure".

  21. BTWBFDIMHO

    And Da Vinci was gay, so everything makes sense for the Bachmann: let's go back to the Middle Ages.

  22. riverside68

    She should read "My name is Red" by Orhan Pamuk. It is all about how the Renaissanse art revolution turned away from God by developing perspective and celebrating indvidualised artistic style complete with Artist's signature.

    The East, on the other hand, maintained its God derived purity.

    Has she considered becoming a Muslin? I think she would be more comfortable, and Dog knows I would like to see her in a burka.

  23. Radiotherapy®

    A naked scantily clad guy, nailed enhanced affixed to a S&M symbol cross who wanted you to practice necrophilia communion, with a crown of thorns halo over his head, however is no problem.

    1. emmelemm

      Seriously. (This is a topic of much interest to me.)

      I think crucifixes are seriously freaky. I love horror movies. People are often surprised by that, at a minimum, or judgemental. But to me, having a crucifix out *all the time*, or wearing what is often a very graphic symbol of suffering and torture around your neck, seems CRAY-CRAY!

      Don't even get me started on cannibalism aka communion.

      1. Radiotherapy®

        Listen my consonant friend, a quixotic question: What kind of "father" would sanction and allow this kind of enhanced interrogation to go down on his "only begotten son?" Seriously, I wouldn't want that omniscient fuckface as my father, nor would I ever conceive allowing my boys to suffer like that.

        1. flamingpdog

          LOL, I came to the conclusion a long time ago that if my father had treated me anything like God the Father has, he would have found his ass in jail and number one on the prison buttsechs list.

      2. LetUsBray

        I work in a Catholic school. The guy nailed to the cross everywhere freaks me out a little. It's funny; I grew up Catholic, and at the time it didn't bug me as much as church in general just bored and annoyed me. But then I grew up, took a good look at the thing, and I realized: Damn, that's a guy, nailed to a cross.

        The children's choir would sing this song, "Eat his body, drink his blood, and we'll sing a song of love." I know all religions fuck with your brain, but are they usually this gross?

        Smooth move on my part, developing as my most marketable skill teaching the language the church has been keeping on life support since 476 AD.

    2. Negropolis

      I actually understand the crucifix. Christians don't worshhip the object or even the action perpetrated on it, but rather the meaning behind the action it (i.e. the ultimate sacrifice) and the result (i.e. the clearing of the path back to god, this time through grace instead of works). Personally, I find some mainstream Buddhist sects far more creepy with their literal worship of suffering and sensory deprivation. Mainstream Christianity largely got over the actual worship of suffering.

    3. tymberwolf817

      I get Negropolis' point below that the idea of "ultimate sacrifice" is what's really at play here. Still — people like Marcus Bachmann basically praying to a naked, toned 30-something tied to a cross being whipped by Roman Centaurians to be STRAIGHT does give me a funny.

      As for communion, I recommend getting close to god by doing a sh*tload of angel dust (NSFW). http://youtu.be/n2uIyrTOQDA (sorry, not sure how to translate the link on here)

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Thought that was Protagoras. When Marcus gets out the tape measure, I don't think that means what he thinks it means.

  24. BlueStateLibel

    Next she will be breaking out the ceremonial Cthulu crown, grow flippers, and return to the depths of the sea from whence she came. At least I hope so.

    1. ArmoredLibunatic

      I imagined her more as the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Darting Eyes, who makes every child in a random galaxy somewhere frown for 9,000 years with each shrill speech that whines thinly from one of her many mouths.

    2. PristinePantalones

      You know, there's a reason she's here among us; and I'm betting it's that the denizens of the deep didn't want her *either.*

  25. Mumbletypeg

    Shelly should spend some time at Bob Jones University. It's a uniquely confounding institution in that, despite being known for its pathologically Puritanical regulations of student recreation and racist admission policies, it boasts a vast collection of religious art, including Italian Baroque originals etc.
    No doubt heavily vetted art procurements I would guess, with nary an un-figleaf'd ding-a-ling to be seen; maybe I'm mistaken though, I've always had a morbid curiosity to go visit and find out firsthand. As well as observe how the undergrad's of the opposite sex behave when greeting & conversing in public standing 3 feet apart from eachother…

    1. Katydid

      When I lived in SC I visited BJU to see the art…I don't remember it being a very good collection, although there was a lot of it, but I do remember the scary students. They wore buttoned-up white shirts and ties, in the southern summer, had robot smiles on their faces and followed us everywhere. They were very polite, but there didn't seem to be a human being behind the face. It was creepy.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Except one of them was a harmless little-old-lady nun (who might have been munching the odd carpet on the sly, but honestly, if you can't stand up to little old ladies, you shouldn't be bragging about your titanium spine).

  26. mavenmaven

    If it wasn't for all the science and education, why, we'd all be praying to gods all day for help. Alexander Fleming is certainly burning in hell for discovering antibiotics. Why, if only we could get infant mortality back up to over 50%, we'd have packed pews every sunday.

  27. PalinPussyPower

    What she thinks was a copy of a book with the Vetruvian Man on the cover was actually Marcus's porn stash.

    1. genxr

      I'm still hoping to get her opinion on Cthulhu Presenting the Constitution to the Founding Fathers, All Soaked in Blood.

  28. BTWBFDIMHO

    Crazy Eyes posted in 2002 a must-read list of books, including “Call of Duty: The Sterling Nobility of Robert E. Lee,” by J. Steven Wilkins, who wrote:

    "Northerners were often shocked and offended by the familiarity that existed as a matter of course between the whites and blacks of the old South. This was one of the surprising and unintended consequences of slavery. Slavery, as it operated in the pervasively Christian society which was the old South, was not an adversarial relationship founded on racial animosity. In fact, it bred on the whole, not contempt, but, over time, mutual respect. This produced a mutual esteem of the sort that always results when men give themselves to a common cause."

    1. flamingpdog

      "In fact, it bred on the whole, not contempt, but, over time, mutual respect."

      Not so sure about that, but there most certainly was a lot of breeding going on between the slaves and the masters.

    2. GeorgiaBurning

      That's what happens when you let bitter losers write the war history. BTW-Mish will probably want to repeal the 13th Amendment as a part of her jobs program.

    3. PristinePantalones

      That "familiarity" might better be called "familiality," since it was breeding babby more than respect, or anything else, for that matter.

  29. donner_froh

    Bachmann “belongs to a generation of Christian conservatives whose views have been shaped by institutions, insane asylums tracts paranoid screeds, and leaders loathsome cocksuckers not commonly known to secular sane Americans, or even to most Christians, sentient beings

        1. RavenRant

          And he wrote it at 23. Another reason for me to feel like an underachiever.

          I'm counting on being a (very) late bloomer.

          1. PristinePantalones

            Welcome to the club. Like a Rafflesia, I expect to produce a single spectacular bloom at an advanced age, followed by an immediate expiry in a large and nauseating cloud of corpse aroma.

  30. Steverino247

    Having been to the Louvre and seen da Vinci's work displayed there, let me say that MB should just STFU. She is not fit to mop the floors at such a place. She is the kind of person who would happily burn such wonders (with the same look on her face that "graces" the cover of Newswrap) and expect Jesus to give her bonus points.

    If she even gets close to the Presidency, we should amend the Constitution to require a forensic psychology evaluation of all candidates before their names can be placed on the ballot.

    1. finallyhappy

      If Crazyeyes took a short walk from her office in DC, she could see Ginevra Di Benci at the National Gallery.

  31. fuflans

    i heard this guy on teri gross yesterday (as with all things new yorker, article tl;dr).

    anyway, i imagine her 'must read' recommendation of the robert e. lee bio by slavery apologist J. Steven Wilkins will be another fun presser.

    she is so not ready for prime time.

  32. mormos

    Ive decided that michelle bachmann is not a buffoon but an enlightened mystic, her eyes do not stare vacantly but see the true nature of the universe, her words are not political sentiment but koans, heed her teachings and gain eternal wisdom

  33. natoslug

    Is there something in the pancake makeup these right-wing "up and cummers" shovel on that drives one mad? Mercury? Lead? Thorazine?

    [edit: Okay, yes, Thorazine might be the cure, not the cause.]

    1. PristinePantalones

      Angels? Hey, Hell Local 150 just called. All the junior devils want hazard pay to hang out with Miche1le.

  34. JP Ennui

    I was so disappointed myself when I attended my first Renaissance Fair. I expected throngs of beautiful, nude young men and all I saw were a bunch of nerds eating turkey legs and playing Dungeons and Dragons.

  35. DashboardBuddha

    Earlier, a friend of mine sent me an article from the Onion. It was so plausible that that it took me a minute to realize it was an Onion article. Imagine my surprise when I started reading this and I realized it wasn't from the Onion.

    I can't keep up.

  36. Gorillionaire

    Only ten years ago, Crazy Eyes was just a loudmouth batshit trying to get on the local school board because she was angry about some made up shit about Christians in schools or whatever. Now she's running for the big one, and she has never lost an election. Shows you what somebody can do with a good woman behind her.

  37. BZ1

    Bachmann's fundamentalist, reactionary mindset, with its embrace of creationism, its hatred of science, its suspicion of humanistic ideals (including the foundation of the republic)…yup, sounds about right…perfect candidate for the end of days…

  38. Kat_man

    I think Marcus will have to go to Italy and research all these nude sculptures, paintings and drawings himself. With a baggage handler. Michele should stay home because, nudes.

  39. archikvetch

    Just wait till she gets to the Counter-Reformation… her head will explode when she learns all these cool ideas (auto-da-fe, infallibility, nekkid chicks and boychiks in the service of Jebus) are from those pesky Papists.

  40. genxr

    It has to be said…

    Know who else was shaped by institutions, tracts, and leaders not commonly known to secular Americans?

    1. PristinePantalones

      I love these quizzes, even though I never win a single one. Oh, let me guess — I know! Joseph Smith! of the Moron Tab 'n Apple Choir fame~!

      Too many bangs?

  41. cheetojeebus

    Florence had their own Bachman in Savonorola, Dude would be a cautionary tale for her if she read outside her little psycho clique

  42. widget2011

    Here is the Republican Platform
    (Dedicated to Mechelle Bachmann in particular)

    Crazy, over the rainbow, I am crazy
    Toys in the attic, I am crazy
    Truly gone fishing, I am crazy
    They must have taken my marbles away I am crazy

    Waiting, to cut out the deadwood.
    Waiting, to clean up the city
    Waiting, to follow the worms.
    Waiting, to put on a black shirt.
    Waiting, to weed out the weaklings.
    Waiting, to smash in theirs and kick in their doors
    Waiting, to follow the worms.

    You may think this is hyperbole, I think not.

  43. OneYieldRegular

    You thought the destruction of the Bamiyan buddhas was bad?Just wait until President Bachmann orders the bombing of the Louvre.

  44. Mapmonger

    It's funny, 'cause whenever I see crowd shots of these teaparty types, I think it's a lot like a Breughel, except fatter with scooters.

    1. PristinePantalones

      How true! I once told a partner he reminded me of Breughel, and he did not take it well.

  45. Redhead

    To be fair, a lot of Renaissance art has naked women in it, and her overwhelming, scary lust for those naked women may make her feel cornered in a bathroom with the need to screech and throw a hissy fit and yell about being "attacked" by the naked woman in the 500-year-old painting.

    Oh, wait, wrong lunatic wingnut. Sorry, they're so easy to get confused.

  46. Nico_Marx

    The GOP took all the fun out of the Spanish Inquisition. Now we know exactly when, where and from whom to expect it, just like clockwork.

    Wait, do they believe in clocks? What about sundials? Is that PC?

  47. Tundra Grifter

    In last night's debate (Thursday, 8/11) did Ole Crazy eyes say "I was the tip of the spear" or "I took his tip in the rear?"

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