INSANITY CONTESTS  6:54 pm August 10, 2011

Michele Bachmann Terrorized By… What, Today… 15th Century Art

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

michele prefers the medieval times fairs.The “Michele Bachmann is insane” news stories every day now are getting to the point where we are all just doing a sort of Michele Bachmann Mad Libs each time, something along the lines of, “Michele Bachmann is terrified of _(noun)_ because Jesus once told her in a dream that _(U.S. federal agency name)_ sodomized someone from _(book of the Bible)_ and started making  _(genocidal dictator name)_ insist in writing that her husband ask to be called _(gay male stripper name)_ every time they hold hands.” Today’s Michele Mad Libs winner is the LA Times with their article “Michele Bachmann lives in fear of Renaissance Fairs” for pointing out that Leonardo Da Vinci’s 15th-century art is on her list of terror suspects charged with ruining America. Time to Guantanamo that Leonardo bitch!

The LA Times is mostly expanding off the recent New Yorker profile of Bachmann, which is fascinating reading if you were somehow previously unaware the she is utterly insane.

So what makes this particular fictional menace full of horror and abortion if you are Michele Bachmann?

Bachmann “belongs to a generation of Christian conservatives whose views have been shaped by institutions, tracts, and leaders not commonly known to secular Americans, or even to most Christians,” writes Ryan Lizza, who spent four days on the campaign trail talking with the candidate and her husband. He chronicles Bachmann’s enthusiasm for the extreme evangelical teachings of the late Presbyterian Pastor Francis Schaeffer, commonly regarded as having sparked the 1970s rise of the Christian Right. Schaeffer loved visiting Florence, Italy, where his idea of Renaissance ruin is on full display.

Bachmann also adores Schaeffer follower Nancy Pearcey, a prominent creationist whose recent book is “Saving Leonardo: A Call to Resist the Secular Assault on Mind, Morals, and Meaning.” That’s Leonardo as in “da Vinci,” whose famous drawing of “Vitruvian Man” shows a human being inscribed within a perfect circle and a perfect square. The artist made the ungodly error of putting humanity at the center of time and space.

Awesome, thanks. Next time America falls off the map, please look for us all in the padded room in the basement giving speeches to shelves of Halloween ornament bins as we continue deconstructing Michele Bachmann’s selfish, paradoxical and paranoid existence. [LA Times]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 225 comments }

emmelemm August 10, 2011 at 6:59 pm

And here I thought the objection was going to be that Vetruvian Man is NUDE! {gasp}

BarackMyWorld August 10, 2011 at 7:28 pm

One of Marcus Bachmann's favorites.

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 3:33 am

Ha! I was thinking the same thing. I'd have thought they'd have been offended, first, by his brazen nakedness.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Brazen nakedness is fine for Teh Men. It's when Teh Wimminz get all brazen and nekky that you have to pull a John Ashcroft and cover up their boobies.

JoshuaNorton August 10, 2011 at 6:59 pm

views have been shaped by institutions, tracts, and leaders not commonly known to secular Americans

How nice. Kind of like the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

As a closet Pastafarian, I can dig it.

spinozasgod August 10, 2011 at 7:57 pm

wrapped in his noddlie appendages and doused in his warm sauce……

GunToting[Redacted] August 10, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Ramen, brother!

finallyhappy August 10, 2011 at 8:30 pm

May his noodly appendages touch us now and forever.

smokefilleddoommate August 10, 2011 at 10:06 pm

I often flagellate myself with a homemade cat o' nine noodles.

genxr August 10, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Blessed are the cheesemakers, for they shall provide toppings. In the name of the pasta, the sauce, and the spicy meatball, ramen.

Maman August 10, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Its about time some pointed out what demented loser that da Vinci was… His helicopter didn't even work!

Callyson August 10, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Now we know the reason behind Mona Lisa's mysterious smile, and what she was thinking…
"We may not be as advanced technologically as people in the 21st century will be, but at least we are not as insane…"

LetUsBray August 10, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Some of my students told me a few months back that Mona Lisa is actually Leonardo's boyfriend. Of course, my students tell me a lot of things.

RavenRant August 10, 2011 at 8:31 pm

She definitely does not have 'man hands'.

EatsBabyDingos August 10, 2011 at 7:00 pm

The picture of her is what a worm sees before the bass, well, eats it.

nounverb911 August 10, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Just make sure you have a license for that bass if you catch it in Michigan.

Tundra Grifter August 10, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Otherwise, they'll throw your bass into jail.

PuckStopsHere August 10, 2011 at 7:26 pm

If only…

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 3:35 am

And then beat you just for the halibut.

EatsBabyDingos August 10, 2011 at 8:09 pm

It is one of her "bass holes"

imissopus August 10, 2011 at 7:01 pm

If there is really a God, He will make Michele the nominee, because in His infinite wisdom He knows that all us U.S. Americans need a good laugh these days.

bebecca2298 August 10, 2011 at 8:41 pm

while the rest of the world laughs at us….

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 3:36 am

It is said that god does not give us more than we can bear. If that is true, there is no way he'd loose Michele Bachmann on the American people.

MozakiBlocks August 10, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Yeah, I got nothing…

Callyson August 10, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Also, if she thinks Newsweek used an unflattering photo, wait until she checks out the one on the LAT website: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/culturemonster/20
Suddenly, I am not so interested in finding out who her plastic surgeon is…

smokefilleddoommate August 10, 2011 at 7:16 pm

I think it's intentional– Prov 51:50: God likes crazy eyes.

RavenRant August 10, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Of course, that amount of wrinklage on a male politician would be just enough to make him 'distinguished' and 'presidential'.

Redhead August 11, 2011 at 9:38 am

Ten bucks says he was licensed by Rand Paul.

bravo_sierra August 10, 2011 at 7:03 pm

So… she wants to return to pre-Renaissance society? I'm no historian, but I think that time was known as the Dark Ages for good reason. Pretty much the worst time to be alive, ever.

CZL August 10, 2011 at 8:11 pm

But Christianity was in charge! Well, of white people anyway. Except where the pagans resisted them. And those learned Ay-rabs and Jews who they would later blame for spreading plague, although the Levantine doctors were really the ones that knew how to stop it, since they'd kept up the physick the Europeans had lost.

Guppy06 August 10, 2011 at 8:16 pm

No, Catholicism was in charge. Christianity before Luther, Calvin and the Puritans fixed it doesn't count.

Mapmonger August 11, 2011 at 7:26 am

Yeah, but Bachmann doesn't really care, whoops I mean KNOW that. She would have to read real books about real history first.

mrpuma2u August 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Get thee to a Nunnery, Michele!!! Certainly that bawdy hippie Shakespeare is next in the crosshairs.

DerrickWildcat August 10, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I'm with her on this one.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 10, 2011 at 7:09 pm

You know, if da Vinci was really that great of artist, wouldn't the Mona Lisa be staring out blankly into space instead of at the viewer?

peaceocrap August 10, 2011 at 7:31 pm

And there's no independent light source behind her, as in http://www.thomaskinkade.com

unclejeems August 10, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Um, Kinkade "wrote" a book once. My wife helped in the process by, uh, "editing" it for him. See how that works? Anyway, along the way, Kinkade somehow came up with the idea of calling himself as the "spokesman for simplicity."

Anyway, I said that just to say, every time I see another frightening mug-shot of Bachmann, I think of her as the spokeswoman of simplicity. And not in a good way.

AJWjr. August 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

And he went down in a blaze of booze-fueled glory.

Doktor Zoom August 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm

If da Vinci was REALLY a great artist, the Mona Lisa would be smiling enigmatically at a spot about eleven inches to the left of the viewer.

pinkocommi August 10, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Bachmann dislikes da Vinci only because she knows he would have perfectly captured her crazy eyes and thus revealed her to be the batshit insane person that she is.

DashboardBuddha August 10, 2011 at 9:22 pm

I wish I were good at photoediting. I can see a 'shop of the Mona Lisa with Crazycake's (Hat tip to MinAgain) eyes and grimacing mouth.

AJWjr. August 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm
DashboardBuddha August 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm

you are my hero

Serolf_Divad August 10, 2011 at 7:09 pm

It's like "The Davinci Code" for evangelicals: an uber reactionary, but equally hoakey inversion.

Why doesn't this surprise me?

emmelemm August 10, 2011 at 7:10 pm

It's all become crystal clear: these people really want to make the last 600 years or so of scientific discovery disappear – like it never happened.

Newton shouldn't have been lazing about under that apple tree. He should have been in church, praying.

Doktor Zoom August 10, 2011 at 7:38 pm

They want to keep all the technology, but none of the thinking that made it possible.

lumpenprole August 11, 2011 at 11:40 am

These idiots have institutions of "higher learning" where they teach themselves that a barbarous and illiterate age had it right.

GunToting[Redacted] August 10, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Isn't this EXACTLY what radical Muslims want as well?

GeorgiaBurning August 11, 2011 at 11:17 am

you're getting way too close to the truth, my friend.

smokefilleddoommate August 10, 2011 at 7:11 pm

I think Schaeffer just liked visiting David.

nounverb911 August 10, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Is that a statue of David in your pocket…. you know the rest.

smokefilleddoommate August 10, 2011 at 7:20 pm

…or are you happy to a religious repressed homosexual?

Beetagger August 10, 2011 at 7:12 pm

She can suck on my codpiece.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:20 pm

She would, if she knew WTH it was.

nappyduggs August 10, 2011 at 7:14 pm

After she rolls off Leo, the next logical step is to have a massive prayer rally for the Leaning Tower of Pisa. 'Cuz, you know, Jesus can make it straight.

Barrelhse August 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 3:41 am

Okay, you just won the internetz for the night.

As it currently stands, the Tower of Pisa is existing in lop-sided sin.

outragedcitizen August 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Well, if not Jesus, her husband can.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:20 pm

You took the snarkage right off my fingers.

nounverb911 August 10, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Needs more…..whatever.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Beatings. Administered daily with a HUGE large, um, tool.

GregComlish August 10, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Little known fact: Leonard DeVinci was a member of the Renaissance military-industrial complex. He used his outsized reputation as a genius to bilk princes out of wealth. He promised to innovate fabulous weapons and fortifications for them, but squandered the money and never delivered anything practical He was Lockheed of his era. I'm surprised Republicans aren't naming airports after this guy.

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 7:25 pm

His catapult designs were the F-35's of his time.

northernbassist August 10, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Not quite–they worked.

DashboardBuddha August 10, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Burn!

AJWjr. August 11, 2011 at 1:02 pm

More like his helicopters.

PalinPussyPower August 10, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Plus: gay.

flamingpdog August 10, 2011 at 8:20 pm

A Renaissance Fairie?

ArmoredLibunatic August 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Case in point: His tank with hand-cranked wheels that would've made the wheels move in opposite directions, thus rendering it completely immobile.

jaytingle August 10, 2011 at 8:23 pm

About the airport: the Venetians beat them to it.

McGreek August 10, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Ezio Auditore would like to have a word with you.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:24 pm

I don't believe in Ezio Auditore. Hassan i-Sabbah is more my kinda guy.

SoBeach August 10, 2011 at 10:16 pm

"He promised to innovate fabulous weapons and fortifications for them, but squandered the money…"

But what did he squander it ON? This is important. If he squandered it on wine and Italian women then…damn…how do you thumbs up a guy who's been dead for centuries?

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 3:43 am

He used his outsized reputation as a genius to bilk princes out of wealth.

Well, that's most definitely preferable to being bilked by Nigerian princes, I'll tell you what.

Don't hate the player; hate the game, my friend.

Rotundo_ August 10, 2011 at 7:17 pm

I remember when she first popped up out of the northwoods and brought out the crazy. It was a novelty then, but she would have to really have to go out there after all of this. Is it possible to be so nuts that people stop noticing after sufficient exposure to it? If it is, Mish has achieved it. Short of documented eyewitness live video of Mish getting done by a roller derby queen wearing a strap on in front of the Lincoln Memorial not much can surprise me about this one. Husband is a closet case, yep, scared of lesbians, yep, believes we should go back to the dark ages as an example of "the good ol' days" sure. no surprises any more from this one.

102415 August 10, 2011 at 10:24 pm

I still remember that first photo of her face raping Bush while wearing all that big chunky jewelry. She scared the shit out of him.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:27 pm

One of the very, very few, vanishingly few times I actually felt sorry for the Chimp Chump. He looked like he was trying to peel her bodily off him, and she would not let go~! Because she hasn't had her some MAN-touch in, what, forty years?

Monsieur_Grumpe August 11, 2011 at 9:12 am

Remember the New Heights Charter School in Stillwater she help start? The other parents kicked her out after a short time because she insisted on putting so much Jesus into the curriculum that they couldn’t get government funding.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Stepsister's an out lesbian who voted for Obama, yep.

fuflans August 10, 2011 at 7:17 pm

i too long for a world where forced perspective is the purview of auto-da-fe and not art.

RavenRant August 10, 2011 at 8:37 pm

You have not received near enough fists for this.

fuflans August 11, 2011 at 2:08 am

well thank you.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

'S OK, I did my bit with teh upfists.

the_problem_child August 10, 2011 at 7:18 pm

I am a wicked renaissance humanist. I hope she's afraid of me.

KenLayIsAlive August 10, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Gonna try this again:

Why can't Marcus fix her gaze?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 10, 2011 at 7:30 pm

How do you think she got it?

starfanglednut August 10, 2011 at 7:42 pm

And why can't she fix his gheyz?

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Because he can't bring himself to stop pranging her anus. That's what will fix her gaze.

Blendergoathead August 10, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Meh. If she was afraid of busty fortune tellers, that would be one thing; medieval jousting, another. The Renaissance? Bag of specially delivered poisoned dicks in three, two, one…

finallyhappy August 10, 2011 at 8:32 pm

I'm afraid of the Rat man and the giant turkey legs myself.

savethispatient August 10, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Leonardo is also her favourite Ninja Turtle.

archikvetch August 10, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Caravaggio was always Marcus's favorite turtle because, well, you know…

Pragmatist2 August 10, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Mona Lisa has crazy eyes, too.

nounverb911 August 10, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Has Bachmannn's sell by date expired yet?

GunToting[Redacted] August 10, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Palin's been on the discount shelf for about 2 years, so count on more crazy from Chele.

fuflans August 10, 2011 at 8:11 pm

it will when rickie saddles up to the bar.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Hon, her use-by date expired long ago, so you know she's way past her sell-by.

WhatTheHeck August 10, 2011 at 7:20 pm

The fluoride the government has been putting in the water has finally made Michelle into a babbling idiot.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Oddly enough, it only had that effect on her. The rest of America put together ain't half as dumb and crazy.

Tundra Grifter August 10, 2011 at 7:21 pm

She is crazy – and I've seen the photos that prove it.

fuflans August 10, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Ryan Lizza, who spent four days on the campaign trail talking with the candidate and her husband

that's some serious trauma right there.

Limeylizzie August 10, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Oh Ryan, do you need a hug?

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:31 pm

You're so sweet, you pretty, bosomy lady, you.

Limeylizzie August 11, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Awww, thanks baby, I have my moments!

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Hours, hon. You're in hours territory with teh sweet.

Blendergoathead August 10, 2011 at 7:24 pm

re Ryan Lizza – after writing for The New Republic for a number of years, I think that boy has seen enough to have developed some personal coping mechanisms when dealing with The Crazy.

PuckStopsHere August 10, 2011 at 7:24 pm

It will be nice once she is elected and within days the scarlet letter "A's" are branded onto the foreheads of, well, every Republic member of Congress, pretty much.

Texan_Bulldog August 10, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Sounds like Dan Brown could write a book about Shelly and have Robert Langdon go around the world searching for what's left of her marbles.

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 3:52 am

Me hears the fine lady lost them in Neverland (Ranch).

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:32 pm

What has Robert Langdon ever done to you to deserve such treatment? Isn't that as quixotic a quest as searching for hens' teeth?

MLHencken August 10, 2011 at 7:30 pm

You know, I love Florence. It is a beautiful city, incredibly rich in history, art, and architecture.

When I read shit like this, or think of those idiots from the Jersey shore frolicking over there, I know Brunelleschi weeps.

Doktor Zoom August 10, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Michelle is more a fan of Florence, Arizona, home of the state prison.

ttommyunger August 10, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Only in 'Merika would an obviously unhinged Alpha Bitch like her gain Media attention AND a following beyond a few diehard tent meeting types.

horsedreamer_1 August 11, 2011 at 8:47 am

I don't know about that. Jean Marie Le Pen, Vladimir Zhironovsky, & Joseph Estrada had a nice run in the 90s.

ttommyunger August 11, 2011 at 10:46 am

If you say so.

BarackMyWorld August 10, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Wow…Even the town that banned dancing in "Footloose" wouldn't have been reactionary enough for this woman.

JackObin August 10, 2011 at 7:33 pm

I wonder what that supremely stupid american female has hanging on the wall of her ward room? I'm guessing that sweet "painting" of the dogs playing cards. Either that or a portrait of Little Georgie Bush.

archikvetch August 10, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Thomas Kinkade – the Master Of Light

sati_demise August 11, 2011 at 12:33 am

Painting of big eyed children. no doubt.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 11, 2011 at 9:23 am

Jesus. On black velvet.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Li'l Georgeya in a Kinkade-lighted portrait. With extra-big weepy Japanese anime eyes. Flanked by poker-playing dogs, with Republican Jesus and his AK-47 in the background.

Suck My Balls August 10, 2011 at 7:34 pm

I just hope my LSD laboratory is up and running before she gets sworn in. To tell you the truth I'm kind of looking forward to this.

Suq Madiq August 10, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Um, keep me on your short list. I haven't done it in a while, but when the going gets weird…

JustPixelz August 10, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Why bother? The reality will be a (bad) trip on its own.

MinAgain August 10, 2011 at 7:34 pm

If Michele Bachmann owned a bakery, it would be called "Crazycakes".

flamingpdog August 10, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Or "Bonkersbrioche"? No, too French, prolly.

JustPixelz August 10, 2011 at 9:43 pm

If she owned a mental health clinic, it would be called, "My Cure".

If she owned a optician's practice, it would be called "My Cure"

If she owned a gay bar, it would be called "His Cure".

BTWBFDIMHO August 10, 2011 at 7:35 pm

And Da Vinci was gay, so everything makes sense for the Bachmann: let's go back to the Middle Ages.

riverside68 August 10, 2011 at 7:36 pm

She should read "My name is Red" by Orhan Pamuk. It is all about how the Renaissanse art revolution turned away from God by developing perspective and celebrating indvidualised artistic style complete with Artist's signature.

The East, on the other hand, maintained its God derived purity.

Has she considered becoming a Muslin? I think she would be more comfortable, and Dog knows I would like to see her in a burka.

Mumbletypeg August 10, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Don't know if the burqa would do anything but reinforce Crazy Eyes' signature look?

Thumbs for mentioning Pamuk, also

flamingpdog August 10, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Not sure what she would look better in – a burka or a bunker.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Only if it comes with a matching black-leather ballgag.

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 7:43 pm

A naked scantily clad guy, nailed enhanced affixed to a S&M symbol cross who wanted you to practice necrophilia communion, with a crown of thorns halo over his head, however is no problem.

emmelemm August 10, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Seriously. (This is a topic of much interest to me.)

I think crucifixes are seriously freaky. I love horror movies. People are often surprised by that, at a minimum, or judgemental. But to me, having a crucifix out *all the time*, or wearing what is often a very graphic symbol of suffering and torture around your neck, seems CRAY-CRAY!

Don't even get me started on cannibalism aka communion.

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Listen my consonant friend, a quixotic question: What kind of "father" would sanction and allow this kind of enhanced interrogation to go down on his "only begotten son?" Seriously, I wouldn't want that omniscient fuckface as my father, nor would I ever conceive allowing my boys to suffer like that.

flamingpdog August 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

LOL, I came to the conclusion a long time ago that if my father had treated me anything like God the Father has, he would have found his ass in jail and number one on the prison buttsechs list.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:37 pm

William Blake's "Nobodaddy," of course.

LetUsBray August 10, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I work in a Catholic school. The guy nailed to the cross everywhere freaks me out a little. It's funny; I grew up Catholic, and at the time it didn't bug me as much as church in general just bored and annoyed me. But then I grew up, took a good look at the thing, and I realized: Damn, that's a guy, nailed to a cross.

The children's choir would sing this song, "Eat his body, drink his blood, and we'll sing a song of love." I know all religions fuck with your brain, but are they usually this gross?

Smooth move on my part, developing as my most marketable skill teaching the language the church has been keeping on life support since 476 AD.

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 4:00 am

I actually understand the crucifix. Christians don't worshhip the object or even the action perpetrated on it, but rather the meaning behind the action it (i.e. the ultimate sacrifice) and the result (i.e. the clearing of the path back to god, this time through grace instead of works). Personally, I find some mainstream Buddhist sects far more creepy with their literal worship of suffering and sensory deprivation. Mainstream Christianity largely got over the actual worship of suffering.

tymberwolf817 August 11, 2011 at 10:05 am

I get Negropolis' point below that the idea of "ultimate sacrifice" is what's really at play here. Still — people like Marcus Bachmann basically praying to a naked, toned 30-something tied to a cross being whipped by Roman Centaurians to be STRAIGHT does give me a funny.

As for communion, I recommend getting close to god by doing a sh*tload of angel dust (NSFW). http://youtu.be/n2uIyrTOQDA (sorry, not sure how to translate the link on here)

Warpde August 10, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Ahhhh! Michele.
You have been caught on film. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2-15mYWpmA

You look better on the Newsweek cover though.
Medical miracles never cease.

BTWBFDIMHO August 10, 2011 at 7:45 pm

It was Leonardo's line "Man as a measure of all things" that made Marcus insane.

Angry_Marmot August 11, 2011 at 4:58 am

Thought that was Protagoras. When Marcus gets out the tape measure, I don't think that means what he thinks it means.

hollywooddood August 10, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Leonardo da Vinci is okay, but I still like my Elvis on velvet painting better.

BlueStateLibel August 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Next she will be breaking out the ceremonial Cthulu crown, grow flippers, and return to the depths of the sea from whence she came. At least I hope so.

emmelemm August 10, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Cthulu Libel!

ArmoredLibunatic August 10, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I imagined her more as the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Darting Eyes, who makes every child in a random galaxy somewhere frown for 9,000 years with each shrill speech that whines thinly from one of her many mouths.

bagofmice August 10, 2011 at 9:59 pm

It's over 9000, Shuggie!

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Shub-Niggurath! Ia! Ia! Ia!

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm

You know, there's a reason she's here among us; and I'm betting it's that the denizens of the deep didn't want her *either.*

Mumbletypeg August 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Shelly should spend some time at Bob Jones University. It's a uniquely confounding institution in that, despite being known for its pathologically Puritanical regulations of student recreation and racist admission policies, it boasts a vast collection of religious art, including Italian Baroque originals etc.
No doubt heavily vetted art procurements I would guess, with nary an un-figleaf'd ding-a-ling to be seen; maybe I'm mistaken though, I've always had a morbid curiosity to go visit and find out firsthand. As well as observe how the undergrad's of the opposite sex behave when greeting & conversing in public standing 3 feet apart from eachother…

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Go BJU!

It's junk art!

Katydid August 10, 2011 at 8:38 pm

When I lived in SC I visited BJU to see the art…I don't remember it being a very good collection, although there was a lot of it, but I do remember the scary students. They wore buttoned-up white shirts and ties, in the southern summer, had robot smiles on their faces and followed us everywhere. They were very polite, but there didn't seem to be a human being behind the face. It was creepy.

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Hey Katydid! Como estas?

slowhansolo August 11, 2011 at 12:58 am

The only BJU grad I ever met, a female, got married off the Internet and now lives in a Texas compound. True story!

Sue4466 August 10, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Waiting for the story of the Renaissance Fair lesbians cornering her in the bathroom.

Angry_Marmot August 11, 2011 at 5:00 am

Might take the crazy out of her eyes.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Except one of them was a harmless little-old-lady nun (who might have been munching the odd carpet on the sly, but honestly, if you can't stand up to little old ladies, you shouldn't be bragging about your titanium spine).

mavenmaven August 10, 2011 at 7:53 pm

If it wasn't for all the science and education, why, we'd all be praying to gods all day for help. Alexander Fleming is certainly burning in hell for discovering antibiotics. Why, if only we could get infant mortality back up to over 50%, we'd have packed pews every sunday.

genxr August 10, 2011 at 10:16 pm

*Ahem*Rick Perry*Cough*

PalinPussyPower August 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm

What she thinks was a copy of a book with the Vetruvian Man on the cover was actually Marcus's porn stash.

genxr August 10, 2011 at 10:17 pm

"Why does the statue of David have a boner?"

BaldarTFlagass August 10, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I can't wait to hear her reaction when she sees Goya's "Saturn Devouring His Son."

genxr August 10, 2011 at 10:15 pm

I'm still hoping to get her opinion on Cthulhu Presenting the Constitution to the Founding Fathers, All Soaked in Blood.

BTWBFDIMHO August 10, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Crazy Eyes posted in 2002 a must-read list of books, including “Call of Duty: The Sterling Nobility of Robert E. Lee,” by J. Steven Wilkins, who wrote:

"Northerners were often shocked and offended by the familiarity that existed as a matter of course between the whites and blacks of the old South. This was one of the surprising and unintended consequences of slavery. Slavery, as it operated in the pervasively Christian society which was the old South, was not an adversarial relationship founded on racial animosity. In fact, it bred on the whole, not contempt, but, over time, mutual respect. This produced a mutual esteem of the sort that always results when men give themselves to a common cause."

flamingpdog August 10, 2011 at 8:16 pm

"In fact, it bred on the whole, not contempt, but, over time, mutual respect."

Not so sure about that, but there most certainly was a lot of breeding going on between the slaves and the masters.

rocktonsam August 10, 2011 at 9:58 pm

LOTS OF LYNCHING TOO, ALSO

tymberwolf817 August 11, 2011 at 10:17 am

Not to mention the whole "black people being forced to do sh*t they didn't want to do due to their status as 'property'" thing.

GeorgiaBurning August 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

That's what happens when you let bitter losers write the war history. BTW-Mish will probably want to repeal the 13th Amendment as a part of her jobs program.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:43 pm

That "familiarity" might better be called "familiality," since it was breeding babby more than respect, or anything else, for that matter.

Negropolis August 12, 2011 at 12:10 am

This is just gross.

donner_froh August 10, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Bachmann “belongs to a generation of Christian conservatives whose views have been shaped by institutions, insane asylums tracts paranoid screeds, and leaders loathsome cocksuckers not commonly known to secular sane Americans, or even to most Christians, sentient beings

archikvetch August 10, 2011 at 7:59 pm

This is probably good news for Savonarola.

RavenRant August 10, 2011 at 8:30 pm

My nominee for best comment of the day. Possibly of the year.

archikvetch August 10, 2011 at 9:41 pm

(Blush) I tried to work in a rant about Mirandola and De hominis dignitate, but you know…yelling "YOU LIE!" is pretty effective.

RavenRant August 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm

And he wrote it at 23. Another reason for me to feel like an underachiever.

I'm counting on being a (very) late bloomer.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Welcome to the club. Like a Rafflesia, I expect to produce a single spectacular bloom at an advanced age, followed by an immediate expiry in a large and nauseating cloud of corpse aroma.

Steverino247 August 10, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Having been to the Louvre and seen da Vinci's work displayed there, let me say that MB should just STFU. She is not fit to mop the floors at such a place. She is the kind of person who would happily burn such wonders (with the same look on her face that "graces" the cover of Newswrap) and expect Jesus to give her bonus points.

If she even gets close to the Presidency, we should amend the Constitution to require a forensic psychology evaluation of all candidates before their names can be placed on the ballot.

finallyhappy August 10, 2011 at 8:39 pm

If Crazyeyes took a short walk from her office in DC, she could see Ginevra Di Benci at the National Gallery.

johnnyzhivago August 10, 2011 at 8:02 pm

To be honest, I'm petrified of renaissance fairs too!

fuflans August 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

i heard this guy on teri gross yesterday (as with all things new yorker, article tl;dr).

anyway, i imagine her 'must read' recommendation of the robert e. lee bio by slavery apologist J. Steven Wilkins will be another fun presser.

she is so not ready for prime time.

Guppy06 August 10, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Poor Leonardo. He didn't realize he was Catholic!

mormos August 10, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Ive decided that michelle bachmann is not a buffoon but an enlightened mystic, her eyes do not stare vacantly but see the true nature of the universe, her words are not political sentiment but koans, heed her teachings and gain eternal wisdom

flamingpdog August 10, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Could you give me the name and phone number of your pharmacist, please?

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Or dealer. Either one will do.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 10, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Yep, Bachmann is crazy scary.

Now watch Senator Max Baucus and company cut Social Security and Medicare to pay for tax cuts for plutocrats, wars for plutocrats, and bailouts for plutocrats.

That's been the plan all along.

Hope and/or Change!
~

ManchuCandidate August 10, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Now it's the Renaissance? Fuck.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 10, 2011 at 8:42 pm

No Fair, also.

Although that might be a good thing.
~

natoslug August 10, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Is there something in the pancake makeup these right-wing "up and cummers" shovel on that drives one mad? Mercury? Lead? Thorazine?

[edit: Okay, yes, Thorazine might be the cure, not the cause.]

proudgrampa August 10, 2011 at 8:48 pm

WTF?

McGreek August 10, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Only a fundie would go to Florence, of all places, and think "this sucks".

kiska30 August 10, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I've always wondered what the Dark Ages were like. Bring on the leeches!

Come here a minute August 10, 2011 at 9:11 pm

God bless Ryan Lizza, for going in where angels fear to tread.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Angels? Hey, Hell Local 150 just called. All the junior devils want hazard pay to hang out with Miche1le.

not that Dewey August 10, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Next, they'll be raging about Aquinas, saying he wasn't dogmatic enough.

JP Ennui August 10, 2011 at 9:22 pm

I was so disappointed myself when I attended my first Renaissance Fair. I expected throngs of beautiful, nude young men and all I saw were a bunch of nerds eating turkey legs and playing Dungeons and Dragons.

DashboardBuddha August 10, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Earlier, a friend of mine sent me an article from the Onion. It was so plausible that that it took me a minute to realize it was an Onion article. Imagine my surprise when I started reading this and I realized it wasn't from the Onion.

I can't keep up.

Gorillionaire August 10, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Only ten years ago, Crazy Eyes was just a loudmouth batshit trying to get on the local school board because she was angry about some made up shit about Christians in schools or whatever. Now she's running for the big one, and she has never lost an election. Shows you what somebody can do with a good woman behind her.

BZ1 August 10, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Bachmann's fundamentalist, reactionary mindset, with its embrace of creationism, its hatred of science, its suspicion of humanistic ideals (including the foundation of the republic)…yup, sounds about right…perfect candidate for the end of days…

Come here a minute August 10, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Vitruvian man has a penis.

That is all.

Kat_man August 10, 2011 at 9:43 pm

I think Marcus will have to go to Italy and research all these nude sculptures, paintings and drawings himself. With a baggage handler. Michele should stay home because, nudes.

archikvetch August 10, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Just wait till she gets to the Counter-Reformation… her head will explode when she learns all these cool ideas (auto-da-fe, infallibility, nekkid chicks and boychiks in the service of Jebus) are from those pesky Papists.

rocktonsam August 10, 2011 at 9:50 pm

noun? THEY STILL USE THEM?

T.

genxr August 10, 2011 at 10:09 pm

It has to be said…

Know who else was shaped by institutions, tracts, and leaders not commonly known to secular Americans?

flamingpdog August 10, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Sarah Palin?

gurukalehuru August 11, 2011 at 1:07 am

Michaelangelo's David?

Angry_Marmot August 11, 2011 at 5:07 am

Grant Morrison?

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:50 pm

I love these quizzes, even though I never win a single one. Oh, let me guess — I know! Joseph Smith! of the Moron Tab 'n Apple Choir fame~!

Too many bangs?

user-of-owls August 10, 2011 at 10:14 pm

She has every right to be terrified by the fact that all the way back in the 5c,.visions of the terror her arrival would bring with it in the seemingly innoucuous booksignings at the Great Temples of Usury and Cultivated Ingnorance during a frightful end-times.of today

cheetojeebus August 10, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Florence had their own Bachman in Savonorola, Dude would be a cautionary tale for her if she read outside her little psycho clique

archikvetch August 10, 2011 at 11:23 pm

The Renaissance arriere garde is today's right wing's avant garde. I have a headache.

DahBoner August 10, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Yeah, its not like Republicans think they are the center of the universe…

widget2011 August 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Here is the Republican Platform
(Dedicated to Mechelle Bachmann in particular)

Crazy, over the rainbow, I am crazy
Toys in the attic, I am crazy
Truly gone fishing, I am crazy
They must have taken my marbles away I am crazy

Waiting, to cut out the deadwood.
Waiting, to clean up the city
Waiting, to follow the worms.
Waiting, to put on a black shirt.
Waiting, to weed out the weaklings.
Waiting, to smash in theirs and kick in their doors
Waiting, to follow the worms.

You may think this is hyperbole, I think not.

OneYieldRegular August 11, 2011 at 12:56 am

You thought the destruction of the Bamiyan buddhas was bad?Just wait until President Bachmann orders the bombing of the Louvre.

AddHomonym August 11, 2011 at 1:04 am

"Renaissance" means "born again." What about that? Does she know that?

lulzmonger August 11, 2011 at 2:01 am

Torquemada 2012 : FIRE UP THE GRILL!

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 4:07 am

In Ancient Greece, she could have been a sybil. Michele coulda' been a contender.

Mapmonger August 11, 2011 at 7:35 am

It's funny, 'cause whenever I see crowd shots of these teaparty types, I think it's a lot like a Breughel, except fatter with scooters.

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:55 pm

How true! I once told a partner he reminded me of Breughel, and he did not take it well.

One_who_wanders August 11, 2011 at 7:45 am

Just wait til she hears about the Enlightenment.

Redhead August 11, 2011 at 9:35 am

To be fair, a lot of Renaissance art has naked women in it, and her overwhelming, scary lust for those naked women may make her feel cornered in a bathroom with the need to screech and throw a hissy fit and yell about being "attacked" by the naked woman in the 500-year-old painting.

Oh, wait, wrong lunatic wingnut. Sorry, they're so easy to get confused.

Nico_Marx August 11, 2011 at 9:21 pm

The GOP took all the fun out of the Spanish Inquisition. Now we know exactly when, where and from whom to expect it, just like clockwork.

Wait, do they believe in clocks? What about sundials? Is that PC?

Tundra Grifter August 12, 2011 at 5:17 pm

In last night's debate (Thursday, 8/11) did Ole Crazy eyes say "I was the tip of the spear" or "I took his tip in the rear?"

PristinePantalones August 11, 2011 at 4:47 pm

The Red 11s look was ruining all their photo ops.

Limeylizzie August 11, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Some, many ex-boyfriends , would disagree.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: