patriots wanted

Mystery Tea Party Reality Adventure Show Seeking Married Couples To Cast

We have no idea at all what this bizarre casting call spotted on Craigslist in Minneapolis looking for “patriotic couples” is, but the antics of screaming racist hillbillies made COPS pretty popular for a while there, so we’ll go out on a limb and say this sounds like the potential for a major ratings hit. Contestants will be paid with “United States,” which is worth …what these days? “Herpes and an unemployment check” or something along those lines.

[Craigslist]

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  • Come here a minute

    I'm out; I only accept payment in Switzerland.

  • FNMA

    Weirdest Casual Encounters ad ever.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Seeking married couples who love guns and hate black people.

    • mookwrthwilson

      Maine?

      • BornInATrailer

        Aww, come on..

        • mookwrthwilson

          I used to know a guy who wanted to move the Maine because it was the whitest state in the country.

    • PristinePantalones

      Ain't no shortage of those in this country.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Redneck Pr0n, American Style!
    ~

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Sort of the exact opposite of that librul, hippy, dope-smokin' Rick Steves' Europe.

      • mookwrthwilson

        Actually, I was watching him traipse through Hungary last night, and there is a subtle rightwingedness to that show.

        • __kth__

          That reply might have been valid a decade ago, and indeed travel journalism as a genre, viewed through a sane ideological prism, is often recognizably reactionary. But in Tea Party America, anyone not afraid to leave the States counts as a fucking liberal.

          • mookwrthwilson

            Yeah, I don't know exactly when he was there, but he kept making fun of socialism…but yet he seemed to have an appreciation for public transit…but so do hypocrite baggers when in it works for their purposes.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Even people who like public transportation can't help but make fun of the big, dumb, clumsy Soviet-style socialism. Especially once they've seen it first hand. Too ambitious by half and too corrupt by a mile.

  • OkieDokieDog

    So are they going to travel around the real Murikkkan heartland in a bus with a lil port-a-potty-on-wheels/meth lab hooked to the back? I might watch that… or not. Probably not.

    • GOPCrusher

      I was going to go with a cruise ship to Somalia, the Libertarian Disneyland!

  • BarackMyWorld

    How did wife swapping get so political?

    • widestanceroman

      It's a Tea Key Party

      (open some windows for that awful stinker of a pun)

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      When was it not?

  • SorosBot

    It'll be like The Amazing Race, in which the race involved is white people.

    • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

      …who are amazingly stupid.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilleddoommate

    They'll probably fly them to Cali, stick them in a dumpy hotel and make them go door-to-door with Norquist's pledge and Tea Party pamphlets.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Most boring Rant and Rave post ever.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Remember waaay back at the dawn of time, when Wonkette was new, there was that Craigs'List R&R about the Washington, DC co-worker?

      Classic.

      • LetUsBray

        Is this the one who wanted a roommate willing to keep a log of their bowel movements while insisting it was "not a big deal"? That was creepily awesome.

        • Tundra Grifter

          LUB: That was, indeed, a classic. Thanx for the memory!

          However, the R&R I remember was a guy working in DC who had some issues with a co-worker's language and general conduct. The racial divide between the two had become a cultural chasm, and he needed to get a few things off his chest.

  • Barb

    "tea party" and "reality" Is this "The Oxymoron Road Show?"

  • BloviateMe

    When you say "we'll be in touch," do you mean my penis? Cuz if so, you can keep the United States, I'll do it for free.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Minnesota, you say? Please oh please let Jim the Election Guy get cast as host of this debacle.

  • MaxNeanderthal

    I smell irony. Would this "travel adventure" involve a couple of amurkan passport-dodgers being shipped off to a socialist hellhole like, say, France, where they can experience the horrors of free health care, 25 days holiday a year, generous pension rights, high speed rail etc.etc. and thus confirm the truth of everything Glen Beck tells them…

  • fartknocker

    American Birfers?

  • OkieDokieDog

    This is most intriguing reality show idea I've heard of to date. I wonder how many Jebus, cross or flag tattoos you must have or if a Tweedy Bird on the butt will be considered good 'nuff?

    For the record: yes, I do have a tat – but none of the above mentioned and not on MY butt.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Michele and Marcus looking for some hawt ghey-curing action?

  • bumfug

    Excellent! Put them on a fucking island and let them vote each other off into the surf. The last one left gets the island. But no boat.

    • AJWjr.

      May I suggest Wizard Island in Crater Lake, in the winter?

  • nappyduggs

    Here's to hoping it's pitted against the all new "Super Nanny State".

  • Lucidamente1

    A page from the script in development:

    (Doorbell rings.)
    "Who is it?"
    "I'm here from the government, ma'am, and I'm here to help."
    "Let me help you out of those trousers, young man, and show you the joys of the free market in action."

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Suq Madiq

    I for one am tired of the repression of us adventure haters and government deficit lovers. We don't have guns and we vote!

    • FakaktaSouth

      Munchma Quchi
      No guns, no outside, lotsa healthcare. Why can't we make that work?

      • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Suq Madiq

        I cracked up when he lost it. Never seen him do it like that before.

        • FakaktaSouth

          That was great and he is adorable. I hope he makes tons of cash. I'ma donate as soon as I come up with a name…

  • mumbly_joe

    Maybe it's related to this.

    Speaking of which, shame on Wonkete for letting Balloon Juice come up with more hilarious headlines about teabaggers than we do.

    • SorosBot

      It's hard to satirize people when they are so ridiculous as to be self-satirizing. I mean, Tea Party in Space? Really?

      • PristinePantalones

        I have no problem with their being in space. The further, the better.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Wow, you were not kidding — I think I'm hooked on balloon-juice now. The use of a Steely Dan lyric that is soooo apt for Michele CrazyEyes — plus it's a lyric from a song I'd forgotten how much I'd loved it, many moons ago, now I can't get it out of my head~

  • Pragmatist2

    I know! I know!
    They are going to get 4 couples and set them loose on nationwide bank robbery spree. The couple who robs the most money wins a trip to Branson. AND all of the money is going to reduce the Federal deficit.

    • PristinePantalones

      AND they all have to sign a waiver saying if they get shot and killed in the pursuit of these noble goals, nobody is liable. WIN!

  • bureaucrap

    The patriotic couples actually travel through Western Europe, walking up to random people and saying, "If you lived in America, you wouldn't be a downtrodden mass here in Italy/Spain/Greece/France/Germany/Norway/ Denmark/ Andorra. You'd pay no taxes and create as many jobs as you wanted! What d'ya think of that, Huh?" Then the patriotic couple would get a plate of the respective national dish (spaghetti/ceviche/tzaziki/ crepes/ schnitzel/herring/herring/sardines) thrown in their f**king faces.

    • emmelemm

      I'd watch that.

    • GOPCrusher

      That Feed The Children with the street orphans of Monaco, makes me cry every time. If they added Sarah McLachlan to it, I'd probably just end it all.

    • PristinePantalones

      What, no lutefisk? I'd pay to see someone rub a plate of THAT in their faces.

  • Sue4466

    Palin's a lock on this. She's not doing anything these days and she already has the travel bus. And she can be counted on to troll Craig's List for her grifter schemes.

  • user-of-owls

    "who love adventure and hate government deficits"

    Am I the only one who thinks this is pretty much a Venn diagram fail?

    • Sue4466

      No national parks on the itinerary. And no use of the interstate highway system.

      • PristinePantalones

        Or facilities. And no littering either.

    • not that Dewey

      TEEVEE PRODUCER: Okay. Let's soften that to "who love adventure OR hate government deficits". See who calls.

  • petehammer

    Sorry guys, this is my ad. Well, not mine, but someone from my agency. I'm creating a show, hopefully for CBS (they're the highest bidder thus far, but CW is after them). I will shoot six episodes with 6 more on the back-end if we're picked up. Because it is a reality show, it is cheaper to shoot 6 than merely one single "pilot," because once we're at our travel location, we might as well film six couples.

    The show will work like this: our camera crew goes and visits married couple who identify with the "Tea Party" (hopefully just normal folks who vote for Tea Party candidates). We are hoping to get couples from a wide variety of states, not just the south. We will interview the couple, showing their daily lives, maybe going to church, talking about the government, etc. Then we will interview a local educator, someone from a university or high school. They will discuss the numerous ways in which this couple does not understand the Constitution and/or American history.

    We then show the couple video of this educator and have them then yell at the educator at his office/home.

    Finally, and here's the travel part, we whisk the "Tea Party" couple off to the South Pacific and drop them into a volcano.

    Catch it this fall on CBS!

    • Grief_Lessons

      Needs more footballs in the groin.

      • petehammer

        George C. Scott has been dead for about 12 years now, otherwise, good suggestion.

      • PristinePantalones

        Upfisted for footballs in the groin.

    • Barrelhse

      If SOMEBODY shoots six of 'em I'll be happy.

      • PristinePantalones

        Why stop at six? I hear they're cheaper by the dozen.

    • Steverino247

      Consider it green-lighted. Have your people call my people.

    • proudgrampa

      Can't you skip all the interviewing and just drop them into the volcano?

      "Joe the Plumber, His Friends,and the Volcano"

      Now THAT would be a fun show…

  • Limeylizzie

    I am going to submit myself and MrLimeylizzie and see if they call.

    • MissusBarry

      Sorry, refresh fail on my below comment.

  • MissusBarry

    Come on now, who wants to pose as half of a patriotic couple with me?!? This is just not the role for MisterBarry. But, it could be lots of lulz…throwing around logic and snark at a bunch of idiots while the other patriotic adventurers scratch their heads and mutter things like, "but, wait, are they saying dinosaurs didn't hang out in dat der garden with Adam and Eve" and "huh, so, the government actually paid for the old ball and chain's mobility scooter" and "these weirdos seem to think Osama is actually dead." It'll be great.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I'm not a batshit raving lunatic, but I play one on TV!

  • SexySmurf

    If you think there ain't no party like a Tea Party we want you!

    You usually don't see Teabaggers paraphrasing Tupac songs.

  • GhostBuggy

    Brother, can you spare United States?

  • Wilcoxyz

    The Amazing White Race.

    • Limeylizzie

      Brilliant.

  • Barrelhse

    "…seeking married couples to cast."
    Cast them upon troubled waters and I might watch.

  • Crank_Tango

    Me: I'm not a racist but I like to think of the unemployed as scavenging racoons. Into assplay, but not in a gay way.
    You: never had a prime, yet you're still past it. have a new rascal battery because I can't push you. Smelling like beef jerky and cigarettes is a plus.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    The Amazing Race…ists

    Or

    The Rascal Diaries.

    • Steverino247

      Rascal diaries? Only if they start in Argentina.

  • lochnessmonster

    Must wear flag lapel pin all the time, even to bed!

    • PristinePantalones

      Oh, that's going to lead to some hideous People-of-MallWart-type image site featuring unmentionable body piercings.

  • GOPCrusher

    Tea Party Wipeout! Coming to ABC this fall!

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      It would be the worst wipeout ever. No way a Rascal rider would survive the wipeout zone.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Working title: Nose Pickers

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      The Mouth Breathers

  • Guppy06

    Gold ingots or GTFO!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Honestly if you see the garbage that already passes for "reality programming" in America (Trash Dumpster Auctioneers, Slime Pit Loggers, Dead Deer Disposal Patrol, Cesspool Treasure Hunt, Garbage Dump Divas, Miami Meter Maids, Jersey Shore Storage Unit Corpse Removers, Sarah Palin's Alaska, etc…) it's no wonder this country is in decline.

  • SilverTsunami

    It doesn't specify married heterosexual couples. Is that an oversight?

    • PristinePantalones

      Only one way to find out. Any gay married couples willing to dare?

  • littlebigdaddy

    I pray that this is a joke, and they round up a bunch of fat, white, suburban teatards and drop them off in the middle of Compton with bus tokens and one taser among them. Or maybe Ciudad Juarez and a Spanish phrase book.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If they want to make this show interesting, they should drop the people off in the middle of Kansas, and demand they get to Texas without using anything funded, built or kept safe/healthy by any government agency.

    I figure thirst should get them after about three days.

  • Callyson

    Come on, married gay couples, respond to that ad…no, of course they won't cast you, but you will have the satisfaction of freaking the self – proclaimed patriots out…

  • spinozasgod

    They want to put them on a "Freedom Tour" bus and pass them off as the Palins. Come on, if you throw a pair of wire rims and a flag motif wordrobe on most any white trash chick you've got Sarah.

  • MinAgain

    That's the worst Armed Forces recruiting campaign since "An Army of One".

  • ttommyunger

    Patriotic Couple? How about Toby Keith and Ted Nugent? Shit, if it got their names out there they'd prolly do it for free.

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    Seems legit.

  • Radiotherapy®

    This couple seems nice.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    I hear there's an Ark being built in Kentucky….

  • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

    Yeah, COPS… what a show. Rural meth-heads yelling into the dark, cicada-shaded night, poor blacks getting arrested in places like Cincinnati and Cleveland, seven pig-headed Sheriff's deputies sitting on an arrestee at once screaming at him/her to "STOP RESISTING!!!"… good times, man, good times.

  • Polythene_Pam

    Well… My husband & I are patriotic, in a schoolhouse-rock groovy, idealistic kind of way. We certainly do love adventure. And, we both think it would be great if the wealthiest among us, including corporations, paid more taxes to help bring the budget into balance.

    Do you think they'd take us?

  • elburritodeluxe

    That would be awesome! I see them tooling toward the finish line in their Rascals.