Rick Santorum Exposes Horrors of Gay Marrying With Boozey Metaphors

  the homosexuals!

the gays! Hello, everyone, it’s your Reporter of the Homosexuals, risen from the ashes like the phoenix once again, here to bring you glad tidings of icky gayness and Rick Santorum. It’s getting hard out there for a bigot, it is, as pretty much every euphemistic argument they’ve come up with in order to avoid clutching their pearls, screaming “God Hates Fags!” and retiring to their secret leathersex dungeons in frustration has been summarily pointed at, laughed at and peed on by reason, common sense and, increasingly, the American judicial system. What, oh what, does a wingnut have to do these days to convince normal, non-sexually stunted people that the Big Jeebs really, really does hate ‘dem gaywads and is going to send them to a fiery hell for all eternity? Could, apropos of nothing, random household items like paper products or beer be the key to understanding? Let’s watch some of Rick Santorum’s suggestions!

Well now, we have an answer, as Ol’ Frothy Mix has come to the rescue, and he’s got a bag of metaphors with him! For example, let’s say a person finds himself in the grocery store, lingering a bit too long in the produce section, gazing lustily at succulent, slutty cucumbers. This person may be at risk of sudden gay! Luckily, Rick Santorum is just around the corner explaining to everyone that, due to the fact that napkins are not paper towels, burn in hell, queers! (Start at 2:00 or so.)

YEAH, gays! Rick Santorum just wiped the floor with YOU, and then he used the same paper towel to wipe up the fresh batch of santorum he left on the floor, and y’all know why? Because paper towels put their penises in vaginas, is why.

Oh, not convinced yet? Well, perhaps if Rick points out that a glass of (nelly-ass titty baby) water is simply not the same thing as a (pro-America lady-loving) glass of beer, his lessons will find their way through everybody’s thick skulls:

ASSIGNMENT: pick up any two objects, write a letter to your nearest Congresscritter ‘splaining how they are not the same thing as one another, then call your nearest housepet a faggot.

America the beautiful is restored! [Truth Wins Out/Think Progress]

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About the author

Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.

View all articles by Evan Hurst

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191 comments

    1. mayor_quimby

      No, no, you should watch. Because napkins can't be used as paper towels, and neither can socks, bedsheets, a woman's skirt, or the back of your hand be used to wipe liquid from your mouth. It that settled natural law now? Can we go back to yelling HOMO! at the McDonald's drive thru attendant when they hand us a stack of napkins?
      Cool, I'm going to sleep with a very self-contented look on my face.

      After I jerk off into this wad of paper towels.

          1. PristinePantalones

            Santorum was giving some away recently. Maybe he has some left that he can donate to us for experimental purposes?

  1. Serolf_Divad

    A rose by any other name would still smell like gay sex.*

    *You know… if roses smelled like hot, steamy, sweaty gay sex.

    1. Callyson

      Speaking of which, the following headline on the "click to continue" on that link is…
      "Santorum Fails to Grasp the Difference Between Marriage and Inanimate Objects" http://blog.spreadingsantorum.com/
      Not surprisingly, it's much funnier than Lawrence O'Donnell's news story…in the I-used-to-be-disgusted-now-I'm-just-amused kind of funny…

  2. Come here a minute

    Scissors are not paper, so the rock is queer as a three-dollar bill and dripping with santorum! I like this game!

    1. Serolf_Divad

      If you stand in front of a mirror at midnight and say "Santorum" three times while spinning around, a drop of semen will magically appear on your lower lip.

      1. PristinePantalones

        He tried his best, but no Young Republiklans stepped forward to meat his challenge.

  3. JoshuaNorton

    Has anyone ever mentioned to these mental midgets that "straight" men really don't go around thinking and talking about gay sex 24 hours a day? No matter how much they try to protest that they do it because it's really "icky" to them.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      It is like Ed Meese and porn. After a while, you just knew that guy had a mint collection of German midget whipping magazines in a special vault in his his house.

    2. PristinePantalones

      You know what? Even GAY MEN don't think about gay sex as much as these screaming nelly closet cases. They should just come out and get it over with already. If nothing else, they can indulge in some steamily righteous ass-fucking that will leave them so tuckered and puckered that they won't be able to think about who's getting their dick sucked or ass fucked for the next 20 years.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Remember in the Bible where Jesus magically turned water into wine? Well, that was at a wedding wasn't it? So metaphorically, what Jesus was doing was turning marriage into Gay marriage.

      YES…… I just blew Rick Santorum's fucking mind!!!!

    2. Naked_Bunny

      The fact is, Benjamin Franklin invented beer, gay marriage, and santorum, all during the Boston Tea Party.

      Suck on that, Rick.

  4. Barb

    Nope, Sparkle™ paper towels are completely gay. Bounty™ the "quicker picker upper" is just slutty.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Brawny™ is owned by the Koch Brothers. So it's obviously totally gay, but also loathes itself.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      And don't let Mr. Clean near any of your impressionable youths, if you know what I'm saying.

      1. Barb

        Oh, and I think we've moved way past calling Orville Reddenbacher's little protege` his "nephew" They are "salty snack food-loving life partners"

        Quick, help me to start thinking up lies to tell my husband when he asks, "what did you do today, Honey?' I can't tell him that I pondered Orville's sexuality or he'll start leaving a chore list to keep me busy.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Given the age disparity, it sounds like Orville takes after Christopher Plummer in Beginners.

        2. Lascauxcaveman

          OMG, Barb. You're doing all this commenting from home? The rest of us are at work, so we have an excuse. But man, if I was at home I'd have a million things to do that come before Wonketteering.

          1. Swampgas_Man

            I'M at home, unemployed, and spend way, way too much time online. It's this or World of Warcraft.

    3. mayor_quimby

      Where on the straight-queer continuom does Viva land? It's not quite Sparkling! but it certainly isn't Brawny

  5. Crank_Tango

    all this time, I figured that the only people who spent all their time obsessing about gay sex were teh gays, and then along come guys like santorum…

    1. JoshuaNorton

      Well, him and good ole Marcus Bachmann who actually charges other people money to let him jabber on about his homoerotic fantasies.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      all this time, I figured that the only people who spent all their time obsessing about gay sex were teh gays

      No no, common misconception. We're too busy obsessing about the latest to-die-for pair of Louboutins, how goddamned cute Anne Hathaway looks in her latest movie, and why the fuck they didn't cancel Desperate Housewives about 6 seasons ago, to really give a shit about gay sex.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Anne Hathaway and teh gheys? Ha, I knew it. When I watched Pricess Diaries I was thinking, "This kid could be the new Judy Garland."

  6. Indiepalin

    Fecal boy is going to need a job soon. Word has it that Bryan Fischer is looking for a full-time baggage handler.

  7. V572 Coif of Destiny

    Hard to know who to dislike more: Santorum the condescending self-righteous idiot who apparently thinks he's intelligent, or O'Donnell the self-righteous Scourge of The Bigots, who is intelligent but apparently not so smart as to notice that his writers sometimes stretch small issues a bit too far to fill the time.

    1. Maman

      Oh if you want to watch writers stretch you need to go back and watch old episodes of Law & Order. Jack McCoy was practically Stretch Armstrong!

  8. fuflans

    well you can call it a glass of beer presidential campaign but it's not a glass of beer presidential campaign it's a glass of water failed unemployed person.

      1. PristinePantalones

        Not really. In fact, the last two Stranger columns have been all about "monogamish" practices.

          1. PristinePantalones

            Can you believe it? I know the regulars have been complaining that it's been a LONG time since he gave us a column with questions from adult-theater-floor-lickers and 200% straight men who want it up the ass from their masseurs and stuff.

  9. Pragmatist2

    What do you want to bet that Santorum and Larry Craig shared some moments of passion in a stall in the Senate Men's Room?

  10. Ducksworthy

    Not really OT, Ann Coulter is now on the board of GOProud. Good to see the T in GLBT represented.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      The "G" stands for "Goiter," as in "This is a goiter, not an Adam's Apple, you motherfuckers"?

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      No. His children will simply grow up to be unimaginative assholes, like him. They have already been tainted by his filth.

  11. iKento

    You mean paper towels aren't napkins or paper plates? That's a lot of pizza night to repent for, damnit…

  12. Lascauxcaveman

    A banana is not a penis, and anyone who says it is probably just really needs to get laid.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    "…napkins are not paper towels…"

    no but in a pinch,
    a paper towel will function as a coffee filter,
    a Kleenex tissue will substitute as a napkin,
    and a napkin will do folded-over as a 'sanitary' napkin.

    Skanky2B/ Sanitory Napkum '12!!

    1. succalina

      A paper towel will also filter your bong water, and then allow you to dry the filtration from the bong water so you can smoke it when you are out of weed and are really having that darn Jones-ing problem. Of course, this all happened way back in college.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      Speaking of which, I work in a college town and on the wall near my office, someone left a used sanitary napkin…with wings!

      Might this be evidence of hazing?

  14. BornInATrailer

    What if you are like me and only ever buy select-a-size paper towels? Is that like the paper towel/napkin equivalent of bi?

    Jesus what a fucking moron. Reminds me of the clip I recall where a pastor compares a 100% water cloud vs. a 99% water watermelon as a counter to man and chimp sharing 99% of our DNA.

    1. mayor_quimby

      that makes you a conservative , and therefore straight – you don't want to waste too much paper in a socialist fashion. Thusly you are a conservative.
      Booyaa!

  15. elviouslyqueer

    I tried to listen closely to what old Frothy Mix was jabbering on about, but kept getting distracted by the smiley-faced inflatable potato floating above the tuxedo display stand.

  16. littlebigdaddy

    Unless you're talking micros, I am not convinced there is much difference between American beer and water.

  17. DahBoner

    "A paper towell is not a napkin"

    Obviously, this asshole has never been to Bubba's BBQ, where they keep a roll of paper towells on each table….

          1. occams8ball

            did you ever ask for a napkin and get handed a roll of toilet paper? "God of Cooking" a hilarious film by Stephen Chow.

  18. kissawookiee

    "Rick Santorum" != "legitimate presidential candidate." No, wait, I guess that one makes far too much sense to be a valid entry in this game.

    1. SoBeach

      And then beer goes in, and once in a while the asshole comes out.

      No one knows why.

      They just don't invite me to happy hour any more.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      And then beer goes in and piss comes out. I can't explain that, but there might be a connection.

  19. SorosBot

    Similarly, there is Rick Santorum, and there are people who have credible chances to win the GOP nomination, and they are not the same thing.

  20. Poindexter718

    So then Sen. Santorum's saying his marriage is a boring ol' glass of water and he wants a beer (read: buttseks) with a nice frothy head on it?
    Why isn't this bigger news?

    1. emmelemm

      That was my take. Really? The "good" kind of marriage is like plain water, and gay marriage is like beer? Sign me up for the super tasty gay marriage, please!

      1. SorosBot

        At least that's the case for a man who has dutifully married a woman and fathered several children with her despite his longing for strapping young men and their cocks. Not that that has anything to do with Rick.

      2. PristinePantalones

        I dread to think what this is doing to all those comely young men with their strapping, muscular bodies that gleam with the shine of sweat that can only come from a royal rogering … tomorrow's headlines: Catholic Boys Pledge To Gay-Marry, Thank Santorum.

  21. OneYieldRegular

    Christ – can't this guy take an introductory psychology class and spare the rest of us his suppurating pathology?

  22. EatsBabyDingos

    Campaigning in the now-frozen Hell known as Texas, Santorum was reminded by his staff to "Put on a coat, Tex!" And then he was gay. The End.

  23. Jerry Fjord

    We know what beer is, we know what water is and there's a difference between them. Creating one definition of marriage is like having one definition for God…oh! Oh! I see what you're doing there, Mr "No, it's chocolate jam." Nice try, but we're not falling for it.

    Anyway, you're married to a love for power, so does that make you a bigamist? Dick.

      1. Steverino247

        Hey, if you're going to fuck the country, at least do it for a really great beer, ok? Jesus, people…

        1. smitallica

          Yuengling is brewed in Pottsville, Pennsylvania, and is truly great beer. Back in my college days at Penn State (sadly, also the alma mater of the Frothy One), we called it "Vitamin Y."
          Iron City and Rolling Rock, while also fun to drink, are no Yuengling.

          1. imissopus

            Oh, I've had Yuengling and totally agree. For some reason I kept thinking it was Canadian. I spent part of my college career at Pitt and never understood the appeal of Rolling Rock. Tastes like liquefied wood shavings.

    1. smitallica

      Visit any part of Pennsylvania between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia (commonly referred to as "Pennsyltucky") and you will immediately understand.

    2. cobweb2

      You ain't seen nothing yet. Pennsylvania has now given us Pat Toomey.; far more dangerous than any funny, frothy farts.

  24. poncho_pilot

    maybe when Jesus shows up and turns this glass of water i'm drinking into beer and then tells me that he hates Gays i might…naaahh. i'd tell Jesus to get bent.

  25. EatsBabyDingos

    Snadpaper can be used to cure the pain and itch of hemorrhoidal tissues, but Rick has a hard time getting it up his nose to his brain.

  26. poncho_pilot

    and why is one of Santorum's first examples a father/daughter marriage? run, crying little girl, run!

  27. ttommyunger

    Hmmmm. I believe if someone were to ask Ricky's blighted wife and children what "Marriage is" you would probably get replies that would make a grown man cry.

  28. owhatever

    Under the guidance from Mr. Santorum, I would like to propose marriage to the entire cast of CHICAGO. And the winning horse in next year's Kentucky Derby, and the best-of-show at the Westminster Dog Show. We will serve water-beer at the reception. Thanks for the idea, Ricky.

  29. DashboardBuddha

    Best quote from the Think Progress site:

    "Jesus turned water to wine, so doesn't that mean marraige [sic] has many forms?"

    Well Rick…what do you think?

  30. mocowbell

    Koch Industries owns Brawny paper towels, Dixie cups, Georgia-Pacific lumber, Stainmaster carpet, and Lycra, among other products.
    So keep that damned Santorum off the Stainmaster carpets, if you please, lest we need to use a roll of Brawny.

  31. Kakkeltje

    You can drink both beer and water, but beer will get you drunk,.. so beer is better than water….so gay marriage is better than marriage?

    Is that what he is trying to say here??

  32. SarahsBush

    "For example, let’s say a person finds himself in the grocery store, lingering a bit too long in the produce section, gazing lustily at succulent, slutty cucumbers. This person may be at risk of sudden gay!"

    I can assure you, Kortney has prevented this from ever happening.

  33. Pat_Pending

    What about linen napkins? What about bath towels? Where do dish rags fit into this picture? Now THERE'S a debate worth having!

  34. DemonicRage

    Santorum is on such a winning roll with this issue. It is going to propel him into the Romney – Bachmann Mount Olympus area of Republican polling in no time. This is EXACTLY what Americans are all thinking about, right now. He is so astute to hug this issue and make it his own!

  35. undeterredbyreality

    Is KY anything like Ben-Gay? 'Cause I'm thinkin' that Ben-Gay must be for gays, right, or it wouldn't have "Gay" or even "Ben" in the name ("Ben" is such a gay name, after all); but then, KY sounds kinda code for "gay-y" also. So I'm totally confused.

  36. MissusBarry

    I just need to throw out there that I referred to Santorum as "the frothy mix" to the big boss of my office today. She laughed. I'm a fan.

  37. GOPCrusher

    You know, this Saturday is The Great GOP Straw Poll Event in Ames, which means come Sunday, we may never hear from Rick Santorum ever again. The implications of this are astounding.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Oh, c'mon, we'll just be replacing one (P)Rick with another. (P)Rick Perry will announce that day.

  38. sezme

    Paper towels are to napkins as glasses of water are to glasses of beer as glasses of wine are to the blood of Christ? Anti-transubstantiation is an interesting angle for a rabid Catholic fundamentalist politician to take. He truly runs circles around the rest of us logically.

  39. smitallica

    Someone please tell this fuckjob that NO ONE, ANYWHERE, is advocating in ANY WAY that marriage be defined as between a father and his daughter, or between a human and an animal.
    And then tell him to go fuck off and die. Also, too. Please.

  40. AJWjr.

    Beer, as well as water, turns into urine after ingestion, though they are not the same. Chickens drink water, and maybe also beer, but they don't pee, thereby proving my theory that santorum is a giant chickenshit.

  41. Swampgas_Man

    "lingering a bit too long in the produce section, gazing lustily at succulent, slutty cucumbers"
    Does Rick enjoy his vegetables as much as Kortney?

  42. Warpde

    "Gay Marrying Boozey Metaphors"?
    I couldn't care less if it takes Napkins or Paper Towel to wipe the splodge off my face.

    Ohhhhh! Yeah!! Damn…….

    I really need to use my inside voice.

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