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the gays! Hello, everyone, it’s your Reporter of the Homosexuals, risen from the ashes like the phoenix once again, here to bring you glad tidings of icky gayness and Rick Santorum. It’s getting hard out there for a bigot, it is, as pretty much every euphemistic argument they’ve come up with in order to avoid clutching their pearls, screaming “God Hates Fags!” and retiring to their secret leathersex dungeons in frustration has been summarily pointed at, laughed at and peed on by reason, common sense and, increasingly, the American judicial system. What, oh what, does a wingnut have to do these days to convince normal, non-sexually stunted people that the Big Jeebs really, really does hate ‘dem gaywads and is going to send them to a fiery hell for all eternity? Could, apropos of nothing, random household items like paper products or beer be the key to understanding? Let’s watch some of Rick Santorum’s suggestions!

Well now, we have an answer, as Ol’ Frothy Mix has come to the rescue, and he’s got a bag of metaphors with him! For example, let’s say a person finds himself in the grocery store, lingering a bit too long in the produce section, gazing lustily at succulent, slutty cucumbers. This person may be at risk of sudden gay! Luckily, Rick Santorum is just around the corner explaining to everyone that, due to the fact that napkins are not paper towels, burn in hell, queers! (Start at 2:00 or so.)

YEAH, gays! Rick Santorum just wiped the floor with YOU, and then he used the same paper towel to wipe up the fresh batch of santorum he left on the floor, and y’all know why? Because paper towels put their penises in vaginas, is why.

Oh, not convinced yet? Well, perhaps if Rick points out that a glass of (nelly-ass titty baby) water is simply not the same thing as a (pro-America lady-loving) glass of beer, his lessons will find their way through everybody’s thick skulls:

ASSIGNMENT: pick up any two objects, write a letter to your nearest Congresscritter ‘splaining how they are not the same thing as one another, then call your nearest housepet a faggot.

America the beautiful is restored! [Truth Wins Out/Think Progress]

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