THE HOMOSEXUALS!  1:38 pm August 10, 2011

Rick Santorum Exposes Horrors of Gay Marrying With Boozey Metaphors

by Evan Hurst

the gays! Hello, everyone, it’s your Reporter of the Homosexuals, risen from the ashes like the phoenix once again, here to bring you glad tidings of icky gayness and Rick Santorum. It’s getting hard out there for a bigot, it is, as pretty much every euphemistic argument they’ve come up with in order to avoid clutching their pearls, screaming “God Hates Fags!” and retiring to their secret leathersex dungeons in frustration has been summarily pointed at, laughed at and peed on by reason, common sense and, increasingly, the American judicial system. What, oh what, does a wingnut have to do these days to convince normal, non-sexually stunted people that the Big Jeebs really, really does hate ‘dem gaywads and is going to send them to a fiery hell for all eternity? Could, apropos of nothing, random household items like paper products or beer be the key to understanding? Let’s watch some of Rick Santorum’s suggestions!

Well now, we have an answer, as Ol’ Frothy Mix has come to the rescue, and he’s got a bag of metaphors with him! For example, let’s say a person finds himself in the grocery store, lingering a bit too long in the produce section, gazing lustily at succulent, slutty cucumbers. This person may be at risk of sudden gay! Luckily, Rick Santorum is just around the corner explaining to everyone that, due to the fact that napkins are not paper towels, burn in hell, queers! (Start at 2:00 or so.)

YEAH, gays! Rick Santorum just wiped the floor with YOU, and then he used the same paper towel to wipe up the fresh batch of santorum he left on the floor, and y’all know why? Because paper towels put their penises in vaginas, is why.

Oh, not convinced yet? Well, perhaps if Rick points out that a glass of (nelly-ass titty baby) water is simply not the same thing as a (pro-America lady-loving) glass of beer, his lessons will find their way through everybody’s thick skulls:

ASSIGNMENT: pick up any two objects, write a letter to your nearest Congresscritter ‘splaining how they are not the same thing as one another, then call your nearest housepet a faggot.

America the beautiful is restored! [Truth Wins Out/Think Progress]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 191 comments }

Madfall August 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

No amount of potential jokes are worth having to watch clips of this dickhead.

Rarian Rakista August 10, 2011 at 4:32 pm

I would rather pee in my own mouth this watch this ass.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 5:35 pm

You know, I actually forced myself to watch it, and … you're right.

mayor_quimby August 10, 2011 at 10:24 pm

No, no, you should watch. Because napkins can't be used as paper towels, and neither can socks, bedsheets, a woman's skirt, or the back of your hand be used to wipe liquid from your mouth. It that settled natural law now? Can we go back to yelling HOMO! at the McDonald's drive thru attendant when they hand us a stack of napkins?
Cool, I'm going to sleep with a very self-contented look on my face.

After I jerk off into this wad of paper towels.

smashaduck August 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Very true Rick. Spit is not the same thing as quality lube.

Crank_Tango August 10, 2011 at 1:45 pm

but it has been known to work in a jam.

Serolf_Divad August 10, 2011 at 1:46 pm

as has jam.

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 2:00 pm

or jelly.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Santorum was giving some away recently. Maybe he has some left that he can donate to us for experimental purposes?

DahBoner August 10, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Must be jam, cuz' jelly don't lube like that…

Steverino247 August 10, 2011 at 2:12 pm

What was that line from "Last Tango?" Pass me the butter or something…

horsedreamer_1 August 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Imagine using Nutella. You wouldn't know where the feces ends & the lube begins.

Serolf_Divad August 10, 2011 at 1:41 pm

A rose by any other name would still smell like gay sex.*

*You know… if roses smelled like hot, steamy, sweaty gay sex.

Come here a minute August 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

O gay marriage, gay marriage, wherefore art thou gay marriage?

Boredw/Gravitas August 10, 2011 at 1:41 pm

If he would just Google his name, Santorum *might* just keep is mouth shut.

Not_So_Much August 10, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Unlikely. He has a serious leakage issue.

Callyson August 10, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Speaking of which, the following headline on the "click to continue" on that link is…
"Santorum Fails to Grasp the Difference Between Marriage and Inanimate Objects" http://blog.spreadingsantorum.com/
Not surprisingly, it's much funnier than Lawrence O'Donnell's news story…in the I-used-to-be-disgusted-now-I'm-just-amused kind of funny…

Come here a minute August 10, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Scissors are not paper, so the rock is queer as a three-dollar bill and dripping with santorum! I like this game!

Lascauxcaveman August 10, 2011 at 2:55 pm

My door is not ajar, therefore my mailbox is suspiciously effeminate.

LabRodent August 10, 2011 at 1:41 pm

The strangest thing happened when I Googled "Santorum". WHO KNEW.

Serolf_Divad August 10, 2011 at 1:46 pm

If you stand in front of a mirror at midnight and say "Santorum" three times while spinning around, a drop of semen will magically appear on your lower lip.

Pat_Pending August 10, 2011 at 3:45 pm

…and yet another cubicle spit-take!

GOPCrusher August 10, 2011 at 4:27 pm

By the end of the year, santorum will be on the lips of all young Republiklans.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 5:38 pm

He tried his best, but no Young Republiklans stepped forward to meat his challenge.

JoshuaNorton August 10, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Has anyone ever mentioned to these mental midgets that "straight" men really don't go around thinking and talking about gay sex 24 hours a day? No matter how much they try to protest that they do it because it's really "icky" to them.

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 2:02 pm

You can't say "rick" without saying "ick."

JoshuaNorton August 10, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I am so stealing that.

"Santorum. Putting the *ick* in Rick".

BerkeleyBear August 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

It is like Ed Meese and porn. After a while, you just knew that guy had a mint collection of German midget whipping magazines in a special vault in his his house.

GOPCrusher August 10, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Two lesbians getting busy isn't considered "gay sex"?

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Two WOMEN getting busy is considered "straight guy porn."

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 5:40 pm

You know what? Even GAY MEN don't think about gay sex as much as these screaming nelly closet cases. They should just come out and get it over with already. If nothing else, they can indulge in some steamily righteous ass-fucking that will leave them so tuckered and puckered that they won't be able to think about who's getting their dick sucked or ass fucked for the next 20 years.

fuflans August 10, 2011 at 1:45 pm

yes rick marriage existed before the government but so did beer!!!

think about THAT rick.

Serolf_Divad August 10, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Remember in the Bible where Jesus magically turned water into wine? Well, that was at a wedding wasn't it? So metaphorically, what Jesus was doing was turning marriage into Gay marriage.

YES…… I just blew Rick Santorum's fucking mind!!!!

Naked_Bunny August 10, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Might want to gargle some Lavoris, dude.

Pat_Pending August 10, 2011 at 3:45 pm

not unless it was a white wine spritzer. Or maybe a banana daquiri.

Naked_Bunny August 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm

The fact is, Benjamin Franklin invented beer, gay marriage, and santorum, all during the Boston Tea Party.

Suck on that, Rick.

Barb August 10, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Nope, Sparkle™ paper towels are completely gay. Bounty™ the "quicker picker upper" is just slutty.

SexySmurf August 10, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Not to mention that the Brawny lumberjack used to have a really gay mustache.

Ducksworthy August 10, 2011 at 1:53 pm

He's a lumberjack and he's OK.

MLHencken August 10, 2011 at 1:55 pm

He likes to press wild flowers.

spinozasgod August 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

he is a proud gay employee of the Koch Brothers……georgia pacific.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 5:42 pm

You know who he looks like? Joseph Farrah, that's who.

littlebigdaddy August 10, 2011 at 1:51 pm

You can't tell me the Brawny guy isn't gay.

elviouslyqueer August 10, 2011 at 1:57 pm

"Just call on me, brother, when you need a hand…"

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Or a double dutch rudder.

Not_So_Much August 10, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Brawny™ is owned by the Koch Brothers. So it's obviously totally gay, but also loathes itself.

RedneckMuslin August 10, 2011 at 2:13 pm

The quicker dicker picker upper after rubbing one out.

BerkeleyBear August 10, 2011 at 2:17 pm

And don't let Mr. Clean near any of your impressionable youths, if you know what I'm saying.

Barb August 10, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Oh, and I think we've moved way past calling Orville Reddenbacher's little protege` his "nephew" They are "salty snack food-loving life partners"

Quick, help me to start thinking up lies to tell my husband when he asks, "what did you do today, Honey?' I can't tell him that I pondered Orville's sexuality or he'll start leaving a chore list to keep me busy.

horsedreamer_1 August 10, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Given the age disparity, it sounds like Orville takes after Christopher Plummer in Beginners.

Lascauxcaveman August 10, 2011 at 2:40 pm

OMG, Barb. You're doing all this commenting from home? The rest of us are at work, so we have an excuse. But man, if I was at home I'd have a million things to do that come before Wonketteering.

Swampgas_Man August 10, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I'M at home, unemployed, and spend way, way too much time online. It's this or World of Warcraft.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Isn't that the guy with the *one earring*?

mayor_quimby August 10, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Where on the straight-queer continuom does Viva land? It's not quite Sparkling! but it certainly isn't Brawny

LetUsBray August 10, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Evidently Viva is the bi-curious paper towel.

Crank_Tango August 10, 2011 at 1:47 pm

all this time, I figured that the only people who spent all their time obsessing about gay sex were teh gays, and then along come guys like santorum…

JoshuaNorton August 10, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Well, him and good ole Marcus Bachmann who actually charges other people money to let him jabber on about his homoerotic fantasies.

elviouslyqueer August 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm

all this time, I figured that the only people who spent all their time obsessing about gay sex were teh gays

No no, common misconception. We're too busy obsessing about the latest to-die-for pair of Louboutins, how goddamned cute Anne Hathaway looks in her latest movie, and why the fuck they didn't cancel Desperate Housewives about 6 seasons ago, to really give a shit about gay sex.

Lascauxcaveman August 10, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Anne Hathaway and teh gheys? Ha, I knew it. When I watched Pricess Diaries I was thinking, "This kid could be the new Judy Garland."

AJWjr. August 10, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Oh jesus, at first I thought you meant Jane Hathaway and totally gave up thinking about all sex, gay or opposite…

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Welp, I guess that explains the recent sweeping epidemic of Bed Death Syndrome.

Indiepalin August 10, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Fecal boy is going to need a job soon. Word has it that Bryan Fischer is looking for a full-time baggage handler.

memzilla August 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm

"Word has it that Bryan Fischer is looking for a full-time teabaggage handler."

/fixed

V572 Coif of Destiny August 10, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Hard to know who to dislike more: Santorum the condescending self-righteous idiot who apparently thinks he's intelligent, or O'Donnell the self-righteous Scourge of The Bigots, who is intelligent but apparently not so smart as to notice that his writers sometimes stretch small issues a bit too far to fill the time.

Maman August 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Oh if you want to watch writers stretch you need to go back and watch old episodes of Law & Order. Jack McCoy was practically Stretch Armstrong!

fuflans August 10, 2011 at 1:49 pm

well you can call it a glass of beer presidential campaign but it's not a glass of beer presidential campaign it's a glass of water failed unemployed person.

GhostBuggy August 10, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Why does that grocery store have a tuxedo section? What the hell kind of store is that?

DahBoner August 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

A pound of sliced turkey and a tuxedo, size 42 long, please….

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 2:07 pm

A tuxedo is not a suit, and a suit is not a tuxedo, or something like that.

horsedreamer_1 August 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm
LabRodent August 10, 2011 at 1:49 pm

You know who else talks about Gay sex alot…….

littlebigdaddy August 10, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Mr. Humphreys?

MLHencken August 10, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Marcus Bachmann?

elviouslyqueer August 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Madonna, circa the "Truth or Dare" years?

nounverb911 August 10, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Michele Bachmannn?

BTWBFDIMHO August 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

The Gospel according to Saint Marcus?

Radiotherapy® August 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

the Greeks?

horsedreamer_1 August 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm
widestanceroman August 10, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Everyone, but no one does anything about it.

riverside68 August 10, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Dan Savage?

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Not really. In fact, the last two Stranger columns have been all about "monogamish" practices.

LetUsBray August 10, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Dude's become a friggin' relationship advice columnist.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Can you believe it? I know the regulars have been complaining that it's been a LONG time since he gave us a column with questions from adult-theater-floor-lickers and 200% straight men who want it up the ass from their masseurs and stuff.

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 2:23 am

Perez Hilton?

Pragmatist2 August 10, 2011 at 1:50 pm

What do you want to bet that Santorum and Larry Craig shared some moments of passion in a stall in the Senate Men's Room?

Ducksworthy August 10, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Not really OT, Ann Coulter is now on the board of GOProud. Good to see the T in GLBT represented.

MLHencken August 10, 2011 at 1:57 pm

The T is for truculent douchebag.

DahBoner August 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Can you now email the shemale?

EatsBabyDingos August 10, 2011 at 2:17 pm

The "T" is "Trucknutz gendered, right?

elviouslyqueer August 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

The "G" stands for "Goiter," as in "This is a goiter, not an Adam's Apple, you motherfuckers"?

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 2:24 am

And the "T" for tumor.

sati_demise August 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm

She is looking to expand her resume. Fag Hag for Conservatives!

nounverb911 August 10, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Needs more… no, no it doesn't.

freakishlywrong August 10, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Again. Sweet watery beer drinkin' Jesus, I feel awful for those poor kids of his.

KeepFnThatChicken August 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

No. His children will simply grow up to be unimaginative assholes, like him. They have already been tainted by his filth.

widestanceroman August 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Said it before: the dead one is the lucky one.

iKento August 10, 2011 at 1:51 pm

You mean paper towels aren't napkins or paper plates? That's a lot of pizza night to repent for, damnit…

Maman August 10, 2011 at 1:52 pm

He really needs to brush on his analogies… hee hee I said anal.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 10, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Santorum's the John Donne of Republican presidential candidates.

Lascauxcaveman August 10, 2011 at 1:52 pm

A banana is not a penis, and anyone who says it is probably just really needs to get laid.

MLHencken August 10, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Santorum puts the Anal in analysis.

mrblifil August 10, 2011 at 2:00 pm

To say nothing of the cysts.

petehammer August 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

He's the world's first analyst therapist, or analrapist.

Mumbletypeg August 10, 2011 at 1:53 pm

"…napkins are not paper towels…"

no but in a pinch,
a paper towel will function as a coffee filter,
a Kleenex tissue will substitute as a napkin,
and a napkin will do folded-over as a 'sanitary' napkin.

Skanky2B/ Sanitory Napkum '12!!

succalina August 10, 2011 at 2:29 pm

A paper towel will also filter your bong water, and then allow you to dry the filtration from the bong water so you can smoke it when you are out of weed and are really having that darn Jones-ing problem. Of course, this all happened way back in college.

DashboardBuddha August 10, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Speaking of which, I work in a college town and on the wall near my office, someone left a used sanitary napkin…with wings!

Might this be evidence of hazing?

AJWjr. August 10, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Did it also have a propeller?

BornInATrailer August 10, 2011 at 1:56 pm

What if you are like me and only ever buy select-a-size paper towels? Is that like the paper towel/napkin equivalent of bi?

Jesus what a fucking moron. Reminds me of the clip I recall where a pastor compares a 100% water cloud vs. a 99% water watermelon as a counter to man and chimp sharing 99% of our DNA.

mayor_quimby August 10, 2011 at 10:33 pm

that makes you a conservative , and therefore straight – you don't want to waste too much paper in a socialist fashion. Thusly you are a conservative.
Booyaa!

BornInATrailer August 11, 2011 at 10:10 am

What if I'm doing it to save the trees? NOW WHAT?

elviouslyqueer August 10, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I tried to listen closely to what old Frothy Mix was jabbering on about, but kept getting distracted by the smiley-faced inflatable potato floating above the tuxedo display stand.

Gleem_McShineys August 10, 2011 at 3:18 pm

A POTATO IS NOT A TUXEDO! Can it be any clearer to you people?!

What the fuck kind of store caters to people who need both potatos and tuxedos on the same trip? Wait… Is the Vicar getting married?! http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howabo

littlebigdaddy August 10, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Unless you're talking micros, I am not convinced there is much difference between American beer and water.

memzilla August 10, 2011 at 1:56 pm

TH;DW.

(Too Homophobic; Didn't Watch)

Texan_Bulldog August 10, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Mmmmm…beer….

mrblifil August 10, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Hey Mr. Man-on-Dog. Shut yer fukkin yap.

DahBoner August 10, 2011 at 2:00 pm

"A paper towell is not a napkin"

Obviously, this asshole has never been to Bubba's BBQ, where they keep a roll of paper towells on each table….

littlebigdaddy August 10, 2011 at 2:03 pm

In Savannah? Great place!

horsedreamer_1 August 10, 2011 at 2:39 pm

You know who else was from Savannah?

littlebigdaddy August 10, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Johnny Mercer?

occams8ball August 10, 2011 at 3:43 pm

did you ever ask for a napkin and get handed a roll of toilet paper? "God of Cooking" a hilarious film by Stephen Chow.

Negropolis August 11, 2011 at 2:25 am

Paula Deen?

lowaltflier August 10, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I have been known to inspect the bananas for an inordinate length of time.

bagofmice August 10, 2011 at 2:18 pm

That's where the money is, or so I've been told.

elviouslyqueer August 10, 2011 at 2:34 pm
kissawookiee August 10, 2011 at 2:00 pm

"Rick Santorum" != "legitimate presidential candidate." No, wait, I guess that one makes far too much sense to be a valid entry in this game.

HelmutNewton August 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Water, barley and hops go in. Beer comes out. You can't explain that!

SoBeach August 10, 2011 at 2:39 pm

And then beer goes in, and once in a while the asshole comes out.

No one knows why.

They just don't invite me to happy hour any more.

DashboardBuddha August 10, 2011 at 2:43 pm

And then beer goes in and piss comes out. I can't explain that, but there might be a connection.

SorosBot August 10, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Similarly, there is Rick Santorum, and there are people who have credible chances to win the GOP nomination, and they are not the same thing.

Poindexter718 August 10, 2011 at 2:04 pm

So then Sen. Santorum's saying his marriage is a boring ol' glass of water and he wants a beer (read: buttseks) with a nice frothy head on it?
Why isn't this bigger news?

emmelemm August 10, 2011 at 4:00 pm

That was my take. Really? The "good" kind of marriage is like plain water, and gay marriage is like beer? Sign me up for the super tasty gay marriage, please!

SorosBot August 10, 2011 at 4:19 pm

At least that's the case for a man who has dutifully married a woman and fathered several children with her despite his longing for strapping young men and their cocks. Not that that has anything to do with Rick.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I dread to think what this is doing to all those comely young men with their strapping, muscular bodies that gleam with the shine of sweat that can only come from a royal rogering … tomorrow's headlines: Catholic Boys Pledge To Gay-Marry, Thank Santorum.

OneYieldRegular August 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Christ – can't this guy take an introductory psychology class and spare the rest of us his suppurating pathology?

EatsBabyDingos August 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Campaigning in the now-frozen Hell known as Texas, Santorum was reminded by his staff to "Put on a coat, Tex!" And then he was gay. The End.

hagajim August 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm

icky gayness and Rick Santorum – Aren't they one and the same?

Jerry Fjord August 10, 2011 at 2:11 pm

We know what beer is, we know what water is and there's a difference between them. Creating one definition of marriage is like having one definition for God…oh! Oh! I see what you're doing there, Mr "No, it's chocolate jam." Nice try, but we're not falling for it.

Anyway, you're married to a love for power, so does that make you a bigamist? Dick.

a_pink_poodle August 10, 2011 at 2:12 pm

A paper towel can work just as well as a napkin though. More absorbent, I think.

littlebigdaddy August 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

For wiping up santorum.

Steverino247 August 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

How the hell did this guy get elected to the Senate? Was everyone high at the time?

Andrew Drinker August 10, 2011 at 2:21 pm

"Vote Republican! Free Yuengling!"

Steverino247 August 10, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Hey, if you're going to fuck the country, at least do it for a really great beer, ok? Jesus, people…

imissopus August 10, 2011 at 4:55 pm

It was Pennsylvania, so wouldn't it have been Iron City or Rolling Rock? Or is that only western PA?

smitallica August 10, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Yuengling is brewed in Pottsville, Pennsylvania, and is truly great beer. Back in my college days at Penn State (sadly, also the alma mater of the Frothy One), we called it "Vitamin Y."
Iron City and Rolling Rock, while also fun to drink, are no Yuengling.

imissopus August 10, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Oh, I've had Yuengling and totally agree. For some reason I kept thinking it was Canadian. I spent part of my college career at Pitt and never understood the appeal of Rolling Rock. Tastes like liquefied wood shavings.

smitallica August 10, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Visit any part of Pennsylvania between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia (commonly referred to as "Pennsyltucky") and you will immediately understand.

cobweb2 August 10, 2011 at 5:56 pm

You ain't seen nothing yet. Pennsylvania has now given us Pat Toomey.; far more dangerous than any funny, frothy farts.

poncho_pilot August 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

maybe when Jesus shows up and turns this glass of water i'm drinking into beer and then tells me that he hates Gays i might…naaahh. i'd tell Jesus to get bent.

SilverTsunami August 10, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Oh, sure–*after* he turned the water into beer!

poncho_pilot August 10, 2011 at 4:12 pm

sorry. not beer. bears.

BlueStateLibel August 10, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Santorum, Palins, GOP state senators…the yuck factor is strong today on my Wonkette.

EatsBabyDingos August 10, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Snadpaper can be used to cure the pain and itch of hemorrhoidal tissues, but Rick has a hard time getting it up his nose to his brain.

Andrew Drinker August 10, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I've made better analogies while high as a kite and drunk as a skunk.

poncho_pilot August 10, 2011 at 2:21 pm

and why is one of Santorum's first examples a father/daughter marriage? run, crying little girl, run!

ttommyunger August 10, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Hmmmm. I believe if someone were to ask Ricky's blighted wife and children what "Marriage is" you would probably get replies that would make a grown man cry.

owhatever August 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Under the guidance from Mr. Santorum, I would like to propose marriage to the entire cast of CHICAGO. And the winning horse in next year's Kentucky Derby, and the best-of-show at the Westminster Dog Show. We will serve water-beer at the reception. Thanks for the idea, Ricky.

widestanceroman August 10, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Today we are all effeminate napkins.

DashboardBuddha August 10, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Best quote from the Think Progress site:

"Jesus turned water to wine, so doesn't that mean marraige [sic] has many forms?"

Well Rick…what do you think?

widestanceroman August 10, 2011 at 2:49 pm

And just how does Jean Paul Santre explain sporks? Hermaphrotensil?

mocowbell August 10, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Koch Industries owns Brawny paper towels, Dixie cups, Georgia-Pacific lumber, Stainmaster carpet, and Lycra, among other products.
So keep that damned Santorum off the Stainmaster carpets, if you please, lest we need to use a roll of Brawny.

GortRay August 10, 2011 at 2:56 pm

I wonder what kind of hell-demons got married to produce a scum maggot like Santorum.

BZ1 August 10, 2011 at 3:06 pm

my only riposte is "just google it…"

smashaduck August 10, 2011 at 3:13 pm

A pickle jar is not a fetus jar. Well, it fucking shouldn't be.

Kakkeltje August 10, 2011 at 3:19 pm

You can drink both beer and water, but beer will get you drunk,.. so beer is better than water….so gay marriage is better than marriage?

Is that what he is trying to say here??

SarahsBush August 10, 2011 at 3:35 pm

"For example, let’s say a person finds himself in the grocery store, lingering a bit too long in the produce section, gazing lustily at succulent, slutty cucumbers. This person may be at risk of sudden gay!"

I can assure you, Kortney has prevented this from ever happening.

Nostrildamus August 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm

You know what else isn't a paper towel?

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Santorum? Hell, that seems to be the answer to every third question here today.

Pat_Pending August 10, 2011 at 3:40 pm

What about linen napkins? What about bath towels? Where do dish rags fit into this picture? Now THERE'S a debate worth having!

DemonicRage August 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Santorum is on such a winning roll with this issue. It is going to propel him into the Romney – Bachmann Mount Olympus area of Republican polling in no time. This is EXACTLY what Americans are all thinking about, right now. He is so astute to hug this issue and make it his own!

Pat_Pending August 10, 2011 at 3:46 pm

To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, "A napkin is a napkin is a napkin."

archikvetch August 10, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I'm certain this is the kind of paper towel needed for cleaning Santorum – and it's owned by the Koch Bros, so I'm having really severe cognitive dissonance about….now. http://indiainkelephant.files.wordpress.com/2011/

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 6:38 pm

What kind of a mess would that BRAWNY guy make? HENNNNGGGHHHH? Would they have anything to do with santorum?

undeterredbyreality August 10, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Is KY anything like Ben-Gay? 'Cause I'm thinkin' that Ben-Gay must be for gays, right, or it wouldn't have "Gay" or even "Ben" in the name ("Ben" is such a gay name, after all); but then, KY sounds kinda code for "gay-y" also. So I'm totally confused.

proudgrampa August 10, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Just make sure that you don't confuse BenGay with KY, if you know what I mean.

user-of-owls August 10, 2011 at 4:07 pm

A paper napkin is not a big truck, it's a series of tubes.

MissusBarry August 10, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I just need to throw out there that I referred to Santorum as "the frothy mix" to the big boss of my office today. She laughed. I'm a fan.

GOPCrusher August 10, 2011 at 4:39 pm

You know, this Saturday is The Great GOP Straw Poll Event in Ames, which means come Sunday, we may never hear from Rick Santorum ever again. The implications of this are astounding.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Oh, c'mon, we'll just be replacing one (P)Rick with another. (P)Rick Perry will announce that day.

sezme August 10, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Paper towels are to napkins as glasses of water are to glasses of beer as glasses of wine are to the blood of Christ? Anti-transubstantiation is an interesting angle for a rabid Catholic fundamentalist politician to take. He truly runs circles around the rest of us logically.

Guppy06 August 10, 2011 at 5:13 pm

You know who else didn't care about the difference between water and an alcoholic beverage?

smitallica August 10, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Someone please tell this fuckjob that NO ONE, ANYWHERE, is advocating in ANY WAY that marriage be defined as between a father and his daughter, or between a human and an animal.
And then tell him to go fuck off and die. Also, too. Please.

Pat_Pending August 10, 2011 at 6:08 pm

true enough. This would all be funnier if it weren't so tiresome.

AJWjr. August 10, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Beer, as well as water, turns into urine after ingestion, though they are not the same. Chickens drink water, and maybe also beer, but they don't pee, thereby proving my theory that santorum is a giant chickenshit.

Pat_Pending August 10, 2011 at 6:07 pm

I like your expanded concept of transubstantiation…

Swampgas_Man August 10, 2011 at 6:59 pm

"lingering a bit too long in the produce section, gazing lustily at succulent, slutty cucumbers"
Does Rick enjoy his vegetables as much as Kortney?

Warpde August 10, 2011 at 8:28 pm

"Gay Marrying Boozey Metaphors"?
I couldn't care less if it takes Napkins or Paper Towel to wipe the splodge off my face.

Ohhhhh! Yeah!! Damn…….

I really need to use my inside voice.

Pat_Pending August 10, 2011 at 3:34 pm

thanks for the cubicle spit-take…

GOPCrusher August 10, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Which, of course, should never be considered a substitute for lubricant.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Ho lei. If I had only known what was in that assorted noodle!

Swampgas_Man August 10, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Wellll, butter my biscuits, Martha!

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