Wingnuts Ambush John McCain Demanding He Retract ‘Hobbits’ Insult

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

BAAAAHHH I cannot stand these idiots.Roving gangs of unruly Arizona Teatards showed up to a John McCain town hall meeting to do the usual: holler and gnash their teeth and complain about the price of scooter fuel and double deep fried Oreos. Not news! But the butthurt contingent of lunatics also demanded that WALNUTS apologize for that one recent time he called them “hobbits,” which is laffable because we are called worse things than this on most days and still find that funny. That is probably what makes us “librul,” come to think of it. Anyway, sorry, WALNUTS, your constituent ranks are swollen with humorless racist conspiracy-theorist doofuses. Try running for Harry Reid’s seat next time, we hear showgirls and chippendale dancers still mysteriously prefer bland white olds to maniac Tea Party screamers, and the election night party is probably better.

To the credit of WALNUTS, he refused to apologize and told everyone he was just “reading” someone else’s written-down words when he said “hobbits,” which… probably you can realize where everyone got tripped up with his explanation.

From AZCentral.com:

Kelly Townsend, a Gilbert resident and member of the Greater Phoenix Tea Party, demanded that McCain apologize for a comment made last month on the Senate floor about “tea party hobbits.”

The remark came during the heated debt-ceiling debate when McCain was reading from a Wall Street Journal editorial.

“What I’m here to do is ask you for your apology . . . because that was very clumsy of you,” Townsend said, adding that many tea-party followers were offended by the comment.

At first, McCain became defensive. “Is there anything wrong that I said?” McCain asked. “I don’t know what to apologize for.”

McCain explained he was reading from a Wall Street Journal editorial, and he meant the notion of passing a balanced-budget amendment now is fantasy, like hobbits.

“I’m sorry if it was misunderstood,” McCain said. “I’m not sorry for what I said. I mean, why should I when it’s the fact?”

This was entirely lost on the crowd, who went on to complain that the United Nations Agenda 21 is trying to steal their guns and livestock and Bibles and lawn ornaments with their socialist army of anal-probing robots, no joke, do not ever joke about that. [AZCentral.com]

 

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{ 205 comments }

OC_Surf_Serf August 9, 2011 at 6:23 pm

“I don’t know what to apologize for.”

I dunno… Sarah Palin?

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 6:33 pm

That would be a start. Then he can apologize for sucking up to Bush&Rove instead of thrashing them publicly for dissing his wife, his adopted daughter, and adopting the lowest of low tactics. Had he spoken up sooner, we might not have a decade of devastation to look back upon.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 9, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Maybe he should just apologize for Arizona.

DoktorThompson August 9, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Let's get something straight. Arizona is outstanding. Arizonans are the problem.

Maman August 9, 2011 at 7:05 pm

oh at very least for inflicting her upon the whole nation

Come here a minute August 9, 2011 at 8:48 pm

The tire swing? I guess the Lame Stream Media should apologize for that.

MittsHairHelmet August 9, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Never underestimate Arizona's Teatards.

Lascauxcaveman August 9, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Is that even possible?

Callyson August 9, 2011 at 6:24 pm

At one point during McCain's first town hall since last fall, a heated verbal exchange between two men prompted the senator to call for "a modicum of courtesy" and sent town officials scurrying for more security.
"If you are not courteous to your fellow citizens here, we're going to have to ask you to leave," McCain told a crowd about 75 boisterous constituents.
Does that mean we'll see mass deportations of the Tea Party soon? If so, *that* might be the one thing that will save this nation…

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Ya know, that's a damn good ideer.

MissusBarry August 9, 2011 at 7:01 pm

As if anybody else there is familiar with the word "modicum"…they probably thought security was coming to take away their dial up modems.

dr_giraud August 9, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Agenda 21 will slow down my modicum!!

Doktor Zoom August 9, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Funny, that side effect is usually associated with antidepressants.

Negropolis August 9, 2011 at 10:13 pm

The FEMA concentration camps have been put into operation, yet, so we have plenty of room to store them.

memzilla August 9, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I see that Hoveround® now offers a Pitchfork 'n Torch Holder for the rampaging villagers. Although I don't know how you can "rampage" at 3 mph. But at least it frees up the hands for holding liquid corn syrup n' Cheetos.

Limeylizzie August 9, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Oh Good grief , Walnuts, they hate you , we on Wonkette only put up with you because you spawned that large breasted daughter.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 9, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Well I at least also respect his service as a POW. Like John Kerry's Vietnam service, WALNUTS time in Ha Lo Prison may not have been an unalloyed success but he did do it, survive it, endure it, and remembers it even now enough to scold Bush for torturing people, reminding us that the America we want to be would never do such odious things as we have in fact done at Bagram and Abu Ghraib.

Unfortunately the Panamanian strongman Juan McCain of the 2008 campaign debased himself and his hard-earned honor faster and more irrevocably than any opponent could have done by giving us The Gift of the Alaskunt.

SheriffRoscoe August 9, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Also that time he schooled the teatard about Obama's faith. That was cool.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 9, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Indeed it was. Can’t we have that WALNUTS all the time? Or the WALNUTS of 2000 who said the Confederate flag is a symbol of racism and should of course be taken down from the South Carolina capitol building (until it looked like he'd lose the primary). Plus Meghan. She’s cute, just another spoiled pretty rich girl but kinda likable.

Doktor Zoom August 9, 2011 at 8:42 pm

I dunno. When she said "Obama's an Arab," Walnuts replied, “No, he's not, ma'am, he's a decent family man,” which sort of falls short of satisfying.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Is that why we put up with the old bastard? I wonder if he'll offer his daughter to potential voters, like he did with the wife. I would like to see Meghan's large breasts up close and personal.

Limeylizzie August 9, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Honey, mine are about the same size, what say I just flash you ?

Steverino247 August 9, 2011 at 7:20 pm

If only there was a way…

Not_So_Much August 9, 2011 at 7:26 pm

So, you're making a new avatar? ;)

Meghan keeps proving herself so friggin' vapid that I no longer care about her funbags. Jeebus, politics has truly left me dead inside…

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Girl, I'm'a be the envy of ALL the Wonketteers! First I get to see your pussy, now you offer me tits. I'm'a lie back and wait with a glass of wine in one hand and NeverMind in the other. Sock it to me, baby.

Limeylizzie August 9, 2011 at 7:52 pm

NSFWhttp://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_la0q87UgxR1qclx0qo1_500.jpg

nounverb911 August 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm

That and fodder for so much snark.

x111e7thst August 9, 2011 at 6:26 pm

I wish he had just told the TeaTards to fuck off and die.

fuflans August 9, 2011 at 6:49 pm

i wish EVERYONE had just told the TeaTards to fuck off and die.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:21 pm

He came pretty close. Calls 'em hobbitses, yess he doess, and then says “I’m not sorry for what I said. I mean, why should I when it’s the fact?”

It's blatant Hobbit Libel, of course, but you still have to love it.

I almost feel bad for the guy … he should be enjoying a bit of respect as a veteran and wise old hand in Congress, but because he's old and cranky and incapable of changing his homophobic attitudes, he finds himself alternately leading and being led by a gang of vastly more cranky ignorant racist nutjobs. It's like having shingles: the TeaTards are a painful and irritating curse which he picked up when he got a bit too cozy with the Great White Grifter from Alaska, and now there's no getting rid of the fuckers.

McCain grumbles to himself, "She's a goddam MILF: a Moron I'd Like to Forget"

Indiepalin August 9, 2011 at 6:26 pm

John McCain needs to accept responsibility for turning the entire Palin clan into misogynistic, nymphomaniacal hopheads.

nounverb911 August 9, 2011 at 6:55 pm

The Palin clan's been that way ever since sex was invented, McCain just took them out of the closet.

Chet Kincaid August 9, 2011 at 7:06 pm

What?

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:56 pm

Yeah, I was all "WTF?" myself.

AJWjr. August 9, 2011 at 11:14 pm

But those are their good points.

donner_froh August 9, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Never thought that John McCain would be the smartest guy in a room full of people.

Guppy06 August 9, 2011 at 6:47 pm

This was in Arizona, what did you expect?

SmutBoffin August 9, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Jeez, when did this hobbit stuff (fictional, remember!) get so SERIOUS?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 9, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Come on, everyone knows that Hobbits are pot smoking socialist. No wonder the 'baggers are so upset. Might as well have called them black or Muslim or something else equally horrible.

BlueStateLibel August 9, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Actually, teabaggers do uncannily resemble hobbits. Both are mostly rural and have a mind-blowing ignorance of the world around them. Like the teatards, hobbits were always suspicious of "foreigners," strange lands, and travel, to the point that they disparaged Frodo Baggins, even though Frodo saved them all from slavery and worse. So yeah, McCain was right.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:29 pm

You do get the sense that they've got hairy toes, whenever you see a bunch of them waving semi-lliterate nonsensical signs.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:57 pm

"Get a brane, morans!"

SexySmurf August 9, 2011 at 6:29 pm

At first, McCain became defensive. “Is there anything wrong that I said?” McCain asked. “I don’t know what to apologize for.”

Adding:

"Where am I? Who are you people? I'm cold. Where's my pudding? When's Matlock on?"

fuflans August 9, 2011 at 6:49 pm

GET OFF MY LAWN!

bumfug August 9, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Old Hobbits die hard.

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm

With a vengeance.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 9, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Arizona is No Country for Old Hobbits.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Certainly a bunch of bad Hobbits that he'd love to quit.

DashboardBuddha August 9, 2011 at 7:34 pm

you'd think it'd be easier to kick the hobbit.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I don't rap about bitches and hoes. I rap about witches and trolls.

DoktorThompson August 9, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Old Hobbits never die, they just fade away.

Nostrildamus August 9, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Walnuts should've offered to apologize if they'd just shave their toes.

SheriffRoscoe August 9, 2011 at 6:29 pm

They don't know what hobbits are, exactly, but they know they're bad.

HarryButtle August 10, 2011 at 3:07 am

"Them hobbits is diffrunt than us Merkins. We ain't like them. And Sister Sarah's running mate shoulda just apologized to us for comparin' us to them little inhuman freaks and then kicked that Banky Moon fella outta our country."

Argh. These fucking people are my neighbors…makes me want to put a bullet in my head. Or theirs.

Hurricane Ali August 9, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Haha, I want to hear more about Agenda 21, but I think it's pretty clear so I don't know what I want: "first they take our guns, then they take our farms." UN…farms…wait. What?

V572 Coif of Destiny August 9, 2011 at 6:36 pm

The silicon dioxide farms of Arizona are a highly productive national resource.

Fukui_sanYesOta August 9, 2011 at 6:45 pm

http://www.un.org/esa/dsd/agenda21/

It's chock full of socialist nonsense like this:

.3. The international economy should provide a supportive international climate for achieving environment and development goals by:

(a) Promoting sustainable development through trade liberalization;

(b) Making trade and environment mutually supportive;

(c) Providing adequate financial resources to developing countries and dealing with international debt;

(d) Encouraging macroeconomic policies conducive to environment and development.

and this

3.4. The long-term objective of enabling all people to achieve sustainable livelihoods should provide an integrating factor that allows policies to address issues of development, sustainable resource management and poverty eradication simultaneously. The objectives of this programme area are:

(a) To provide all persons urgently with the opportunity to earn a sustainable livelihood;

(b) To implement policies and strategies that promote adequate levels of funding and focus on integrated human development policies, including income generation, increased local control of resources, local institution-strengthening and capacity-building and greater involvement of non-governmental organizations and local levels of government as delivery mechanisms;

(c) To develop for all poverty-stricken areas integrated strategies and programmes of sound and sustainable management of the environment, resource mobilization, poverty eradication and alleviation, employment and income generation;

(d) To create a focus in national development plans and budgets on investment in human capital, with special policies and programmes directed at rural areas, the urban poor, women and children.

oh man, and look at this liberal lunacy!

4.19. At the same time, society needs to develop effective ways of dealing with the problem of disposing of mounting levels of waste products and materials. Governments, together with industry, households and the public, should make a concerted effort to reduce the generation of wastes and waste products by:

(a) Encouraging recycling in industrial processes and at the consumed level;

(b) Reducing wasteful packaging of products;

(c)Encouraging the introduction of more environmentally sound products.

AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH NOOOOOO MAKE IT STOP!!! NOT 3.8e!!!!!!!!

(e) Set up an effective primary health care and maternal health care system accessible to all;

Lascauxcaveman August 9, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Eh, those parts sounds pretty boring. All the black helicopters, mind-control drugs and Protocols of the Elders of The UN must be farther down, in the footnotes or something.

Fukui_sanYesOta August 9, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Bloody small print! Gets you every time.

MissusBarry August 9, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Domino theory!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:33 pm

"(a) To provide all persons urgently with the opportunity to earn a sustainable livelihood;"

Well, that explains why the GOP insists on destroying our economy: people earning a living is socialism.

Hurricane Ali August 9, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Those fools! This is madness!

donner_froh August 10, 2011 at 1:08 am

Trade liberalization = drive down wages in the developing countries as well as in the U.S. and the eurozone.

sati_demise August 10, 2011 at 1:59 am

exactly. sounds nice but in practice it means Monsanto takes over

Sue4466 August 9, 2011 at 6:31 pm

They called themselves Teabaggers, but complain about hobbits?

Truly, they are a stupid bunch.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Hmmm… I never realized it was possible to overdo an understatement.

Chet Kincaid August 9, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Just so you know KBJ really isn't joking:

"Tea-party activists called McCain 'out of touch' when the senator said he didn't know about United Nations "Agenda 21.One man described the initiative as a 'takeover of the United States of America by taking over our farms.'

"'First, our firearms, then our farms,' another man added.

"McCain said no Congress would allow that to happen, but that didn't satisfy several in the room who subscribed to the theory."

kissawookiee August 9, 2011 at 6:43 pm

And possibly also our Scrabble tiles? Let's see here, start with "firearms," then the UN steals 37% of your tiles, leaving you with "farms," minus another 37% of your tiles (rounded poorly, since rounding is for commies) leaving you with "arms," which OMGWTFBBQ the UN and Obama will then, of course, come take.

SheriffRoscoe August 9, 2011 at 7:04 pm

This is your brain on right-wing talk radio.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:36 pm

This is your brain after someone rams your radio straight through your skull, taking out most of your cerebral cortex.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Disagree. Gabrielle Giffords is still doing WAY better than this.

Tundra Grifter August 9, 2011 at 7:18 pm

"…several in the room who subscribed to the theory."

The rest of 'em subscribe to The Readers' Digest. Big print edition.

Rotundo_ August 9, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Zoiks! The frothers are sure freaking out over this UN stuff. They never seem to get too shook up about the Bush family buying up huge tracts of land over the largest aquifer in (Bolivia?) and the meteoric rise in wealth in the top tenth of a percent of the wealthy. Some crap put out by the UN, which couldn't manage a fart after a Mexican, Indian, and Polish banquet combined puts them in full pucker and scream mode. Easily manipulated, like that comes as a surprise.

horsedreamer_1 August 10, 2011 at 9:20 am

George H.W. is like the hero in that Eric Bana film The Time-Traveller's Wife; certain places have their pull. To wit: Bolivia is where CIA killed Che.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Uruguay.

Indiepalin August 10, 2011 at 9:34 am

I subscribed to that theory just so I could cancel my subscription.

Buzz Feedback August 9, 2011 at 6:32 pm

McCain closed with, "Have you heard the one about the gorilla and the hobbit?"

DashboardBuddha August 9, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Where is that marvelous halfling?

NorbertsRevenge August 9, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Uruk-hai-sized upfists for the both of you.

HelmutNewton August 9, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I guess nobody bothered to tell Walnuts that the Hobbits were the good guys. The teabaggers are more like Orcs. I quote from Wikipedia:

"Although not entirely dim-witted and occasionally crafty, they (Orcs) are portrayed as miserable beings, hating everyone including themselves and their masters, whom they serve out of fear. They make no beautiful things, but rather design cunning devices made to hurt and destroy."

fuflans August 9, 2011 at 6:56 pm

nah. orcs are fast, self sufficient and ruthless.

littlebigdaddy August 9, 2011 at 7:28 pm

They are more like Gollum, since they are obsessed and delusional, as well as selfish.

outragedcitizen August 10, 2011 at 7:49 am

Nailed it!

Nostrildamus August 9, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Silent and unblinking, the gigantic bloody eye of Moron watches.

102415 August 9, 2011 at 7:17 pm

That's MORANS on this site. Thank you.

DashboardBuddha August 9, 2011 at 7:29 pm

it's good thing it's just an eye, because if it had a mouth it would never shut up.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 11:03 pm

And its voice would be a hideous marriage of Scarah Palin and Michele BatShitKrayZMann. Leading all hearers to commit mass suicide.

Sue4466 August 9, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Bilbo Teabaggins had no comment about being labeled a tea partier.

Fukui_sanYesOta August 9, 2011 at 6:48 pm

and his adoptive heir Greedo also said nothing

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:45 pm

The National Lampoon could have a field day with a conservatard take on "Bored of the Rings". The adventures of Dildo Teabaggins.

Fukui_sanYesOta August 9, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Hobbits, the inhabitants of Flyovershire, didn't like to keep to themselves. Rather, they would attempt to impose their intolerant views on everyone else in Middle Earth, for Jeebus, their angry sky elf.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 9:14 pm

The One's Ring, with the power to raise taxes, must be carried into FourDoor to be destroyed, with the assistance of a discredited OT VIII Scientologist.

horsedreamer_1 August 10, 2011 at 9:23 am

"Discredited" is an odd way of saying "dead".

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 6:34 pm

I just want someone to tell me WHY in the name of all that's holy are these gay-hatin' wingnuts SO fucking obsessed with the buttsechs. All they ever think about is anal-probin'.

102415 August 9, 2011 at 7:34 pm

They think that's where the ponies come from and also some of them keep watches and potatoes up there so they are naturally suspicious.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Ponies AND watches AND potatoes, huh? They must be some HUGE assholes.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 9:22 pm

It follows naturally (if that's the word) from their belief in the one thing women are good for.

Chillwaver August 9, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Silly Walnutz…the "I'm sorry that you were offended" non-apology is only meant to be used with libruls.

ThankYouJeebus August 9, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Hey, John, you should suspend your Senatoracy (Senatorium?) until you've been able to solve this unprecedented crisis.

Jerry Fjord August 9, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Now this is an insult…to actual (fictional) hobbits.

seppdecker August 9, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Kelly Townsend then demanded that McCain "give her the precious."

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 9, 2011 at 6:47 pm

The 'baggers should demand to see McCain's birth certificate. I bet he wasn't even born in America, or Middle Earth, for that matter.

nounverb911 August 9, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Isn't McCain a third generation Panamanian or something like that?

Steverino247 August 9, 2011 at 7:25 pm

He's from Middle Western Hemisphere, having been spawned in the Panama Canal Zone. You can't get much more "middle" than that. Plus, he was a "Middie" at Annapolis. Coincidence? I think not.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:47 pm

And a middling pilot at best.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 9, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Hey, if the 'baggers and the olds are too busy turning on their own, can the Democrats at least go back to running the country or something?

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 6:48 pm

BUILD THE DAMN FENCE!!!

Between you and your constituents. For your own safety, Walnutz.

Goonemeritus August 9, 2011 at 6:52 pm

John doesn’t have to apologize to these douche bags they hate him anyway. I say full steam ahead Senator McCain you may not be crazy enough for Arizona but rest assured the other 49 states think you are barking mad.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:48 pm

"you may not be crazy enough for Arizona but rest assured the other 49 states think you are barking mad. "

So he's found a middle ground. That's good, no?

MissusBarry August 9, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I'd have liked to see him wrap the hobbit bit up with, "I can't help that you're illiterate trash who fail to understand quoting in addition to the literary reference of the quote. Sterilization and disenfranchisement for everybody! Just head to the room on the back with all the free corn syrup and anus burgers."

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 6:55 pm

."One man described the initiative as a "takeover of the United States of America by taking over our farms."

The farm this guy needs is the funny farm.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 7:52 pm

You know what would really freak this guy out? The possibililty that our farms could be taken over by giant, soulless corporations, who bleed millions of acres dry, lobby for and pocket billions of tax dollars in subsidies, and then sell honest, loyal Real American™ corn and wheat to the Chinese and the Russians. Wouldn't that be a nightmare?

PhilippePetain August 9, 2011 at 6:56 pm

This is like that time the lady grabbed the microphone and started on about Arab Obammur and all that time, but with like a million times more of betterness forever, the end.

Doktor Zoom August 9, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Last week on Fresh Air, actor Andy Serkis had this explanation of how he came up with the voice for Gollum:

"I looked to one of my cats, Diz, who came in while I was working on the character and coughed up a fur ball. This became really interesting to me because you watch a cat throwing up a fur ball and it's like the whole body writhes from the tip of the neck to the tip of the tail and convulses.

Which is kinda how we got teabaggers, too.

mavenmaven August 9, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Keep in mind that Agenda 21 was promoted by the UN in 1992! These AZ teabaggers must be Bilbo hobbits, not Frodo hobbits…

BlueStateLibel August 9, 2011 at 7:03 pm

She's right…McCain should have called them teabaggers or teatards, which they prefer.

fuflans August 9, 2011 at 7:06 pm

i think the baggers are more flannery o'connor than tolkien.

but to be fair, that would have been even less understood than hobbits.

smokefilleddoommate August 9, 2011 at 7:28 pm

You're absolutely right–teatards are so Muvseevum!!

RavenRant August 9, 2011 at 8:34 pm

"She would of been a good woman," said The Misfit, "if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life."

Although, this may be given the baggers too much credit. Even with a gun to their heads, they might very well continue to be worthless fuckwits.

Doktor Zoom August 9, 2011 at 9:03 pm

I will forever love one of my profs at Northern Az University, Glenn Reed, for how he started our discussion of that story. Not with a Flannery O'Connor bio, or any mention of her Catholicism, or her "Southern Gothic" label, or anything about her stories' "moment of grace" symbolism–though we got to those. Instead, he introduced the story by simply saying, "This story always terrifies me, because I can't help imagining this happening to my family. One wrong turn, and everything goes to hell."

RavenRant August 9, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I pulled 'Three by Flannery O'Connor' off the family bookshelf when I was about 9 years old. She blew my 9 year old mind clean away.

When VS Naipaul recently remarked that women were inferior writers because of their 'sentimentality', I was all, "Douchebag has apparently never read Flannery O'Connor!"

If you ever get a chance, read 'The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor'. A strange and utterly unique mind.

As far as 'A Good Man is Hard to Find', it is all too plausible, too believable. Completely terrifying.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Look, these dimbos only even *know* about hobbits because it has been on teh teevees and radios and newspapers and MEDEEEA and stuff 24/7 for YEARS now.

They probably think Flannery O'Connor is a brand of sleepwear made in Ireland out of sheep dags or summat.

SilverTsunami August 10, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Wait, do you mean you think they're *read* Flannery O'Connor? That's impossible.

DerrickWildcat August 9, 2011 at 7:06 pm

I have just downgraded the Tea Baggers to, "Slug P00P."

arihaya August 9, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Wignuts even called McCain "out of touch" for not believing in their Bircher's conspiracy theory of Agenda 21.

IT IS VERY SAD to know that McCain is leading figure in the (relatively) sane wing of GOP

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:04 pm

When people are standing around all innocent-like making John McCain look sane, you know the country is headed down teh toobz.

Redhead August 9, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Coming from McCain, that's practically a term of endearment. (Not to mention – at least he remembered making this comment!)

PalinPussyPower August 9, 2011 at 7:11 pm

I can't form an opinion on this until I see Kelly Townsend. Is she hot? If she is, then I am on board with "TEA LIBEL!" and I demand an apology on her behalf. If she's not hot, then I too wave my cane and tell her to get off my lawn.

Rotundo_ August 9, 2011 at 7:53 pm

One of three alternatives:
Female, Palin wannabe with a respectable rack and reasonably attractive.
Female, Corn syrup and anusburger fed, morbidly obese and Palin wannabe with more delusion added.
Male, Corn syrup and anusburger fed, morbidly obese and chafed from masturbation inspired by Palin and/or foldouts from firearm magazines

JoshuaNorton August 9, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Given the brain trust that forms the bulk of the teatards, it seems to be a pretty safe bet to say that there's a day coming – probably sooner than later – that we're going to see tricorn hat clad teabaggers licking wall sockets just to see what electricity tastes like.

In fact, Bachmann looks like she's already done that.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Oh, definitely. Just look at the pic of her on Newsweek with one eye fixed unerringly on a spot between your own, while the other wanders freely skyward paying homage to either the Great White Father or Mad-Eye Moody's Dad.

DaSandman August 9, 2011 at 7:19 pm

I remember when McCain had some class. Wait…sorry. Different reality.

Tundra Grifter August 9, 2011 at 7:20 pm

OK, so a hobbit, a wizard and an orc walk into a bar…

Steverino247 August 9, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Not as good as this one:

Two baby seals walk into a club…

Doktor Zoom August 9, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Schrodinger's Cat may or may not go into a bar…

gullywompr August 9, 2011 at 9:13 pm

If he does, he only gets half drunk.

Negropolis August 9, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Ok, so Pavlov's dogs walk into a meat locker earshot from an old Catholic church at 5:59 PM…

Chet Kincaid August 9, 2011 at 7:20 pm

This is the final, triumphant scene in McCain's new movie, "The Defeated." Rotten Tomatoes only gave it 45.7%.

awesome_dude August 9, 2011 at 7:22 pm

The best part about this is that soon, after the checks from the socialist gubmint stop coming, all these miserable people will be dead, because wallowing in the filth of your misery is not considered a marketable skill and keeping the a/c jacked up so high that you feel cool under all those layers of blubber is expensive.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Not soon enough!

smokefilleddoommate August 9, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Or what? He shall not pass?

WhatTheHeck August 9, 2011 at 7:23 pm

In Tolkein’s original vision, “Hobbits” were a Human-like race of small size who lived in holes.
In McCains’s current vision, “Hobbits” are a human-like race of extraordinary size who live in trailers and get around on Hoverounds.

littlebigdaddy August 9, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Halfling libel!

MiniMencken August 9, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Now I realize why it was that I picked up my copy of Daniel Wilson's "How To Survive A Robot Uprising" in a Phoenix bookstore.

Steverino247 August 9, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Well, if you think that was bad, here's more disturbing news from AZ:
http://www.azcentral.com/community/chandler/artic

SexySmurf August 9, 2011 at 7:39 pm

I think the Brady Campaign just found their new spokesman.

Fukui_sanYesOta August 9, 2011 at 7:44 pm

As Chandler residents Joshua Seto, 27, and his fiancée, Cara Christopher, walked over to a Fry's Food Store for refreshments, he tried securing her pink handgun in the front waistband of his pants.

The gun fired, striking Seto's penis and continuing through his left thigh. The bleeding started immediately and was heavy, according to police dispatch recordings released Sunday.
….
In the wake the accident, police are warning armed residents to use holsters, not waistbands.

How about "don't take your fucking stupid pink gun into food stores you fucking morons"?

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Oh, now, that's expecting too much of them. I'll bet they take their guns to the terlet, too. I'm waiting for the follow-up story about how he shot the rest off because he wouldn't put down the gun before grabbing a fistful of bumwad.

Doktor Zoom August 9, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Which just proves that supporters of the Second Amendment shouldn't go off half-cocked.

mayor_quimby August 9, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Even with a full cock, I don't think this guy was doing anything with it.
I think stupid accidents like this should HAVE to include photos, like mugshots, to deter the stupid.
As if that were possible….

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Too late for this guy, dood. He may even be quarter-cocked, as we speak.

widget2011 August 9, 2011 at 7:56 pm

And, in a related incedent "this" may cause Teatard pandamonium in Phoenix: http://www.azcentral.com/community/chandler/artic

RavenRant August 9, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Did Plaxico Burress teach us nothing?

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:16 pm

He probly taught us how to spell his name. Does that count?

RavenRant August 10, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Not for me. I had to google it for the correct spelling.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:12 pm

ZOMG Elebenty. With a pink gun, no less.

HarryButtle August 10, 2011 at 3:31 am

Pretty bad. She says it's "pretty bad." "Pretty bad" is banging your thumb with a hammer, I'm thinkin' that this is a lot more than PRETTY bad.

"Just-shot-myself-in-the-penis bad" kinda says it all.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I'll have to use that the next time I injure myself by thinking I'm only 20 and fit. That's the kind of bad that fetches immediate assistance, soothing drinks, and a nap on a warm bosom, if one is lucky.

DashboardBuddha August 10, 2011 at 9:30 am

This is riotous on several levels:

-He shot himself in the dick with his girlfriend's pink pistol. Freud would have a fucking field day with this.

-Her "gun" should have stayed holstered.

-This should get a Darwin+ award. He won't be able to have kids AND he'll still be around so we can point and laugh at him.

-He shot himself in the dick (this just bears repeating.)

Gosh…but I'm hateful this morning.

DashboardBuddha August 9, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Tax the wealthy,
Negro traits
That's what Bilbo Teabag hates.

LiveToServeYa August 10, 2011 at 8:47 am

You … nerd! Nerd that I am for recognizing that instantly.

MiniMencken August 9, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Arizona is like Weimar Germany, but without the Kurt Weil operettas and the cheap cocaine served up in little dishes in nightclubs. Also, much, much hotter.

102415 August 9, 2011 at 7:42 pm

I have no idea why these people should be allowed to have firearms or spend unsupervised time around farm animals.

genxr August 9, 2011 at 7:59 pm

I'm confused. Is he Sauruman, or is he the big government that's trying to stop Dagney from building her train?

Fucking teatards.

Limeylizzie August 9, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Totally OT but this slideshow made me cry.

http://news.yahoo.com/photos/london-s-operation-r

Doktor Zoom August 9, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Hey, it's the Battersea Amateur Quidditch Club!

(OK, that very last picture in the slideshow is bound to win a photojournalism prize)

Limeylizzie August 9, 2011 at 8:32 pm

I know, isn't that just lovely, the Goth girl and the adorable bi-racial child!

Neilist_Returns August 9, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Those brooms are a nice gesture.

But a better one would have involved some 12 gauge "Street Sweeper" shotguns, directed at the rioters who caused the mess in the first place.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armsel_Striker

Bet those Brits are happy about their reliance on gun controls laws — I mean, if the cops had shown up to enforce the same. Along with the laws on arson, burglary, vandalism, theft, reckless endangerment, etc., etc., etc.

Neilist
No Sex, Please — We're British!

Limeylizzie August 9, 2011 at 9:54 pm

I disagree with absolutely every word that you said, but welcome back!

ttommyunger August 9, 2011 at 8:08 pm

He should have explained that he got the term from Murphy Brown. Meanwhile, the Amalgamated Hobbits of America informed Walnuts he would be hearing from their attorney in connection with a defamation suit.

johnnyzhivago August 9, 2011 at 8:12 pm

These alien lawn ornament abductions are nothing to laugh about, but hey why aren't these people out reporting Hispanic looking people to the authorities instead of taunting Meagan McCain's dad?

Laughitoff22 August 9, 2011 at 8:17 pm

I hope that he popped a few of Cindy's "special little helpers" after this meeting.

RavenRant August 9, 2011 at 8:40 pm

They should be grateful he didn't call them trollops 'n' cunts.

Doktor Zoom August 9, 2011 at 8:51 pm

trollops 'n' cunts
trollops 'n' cunts
I'm gonna get me some
trollops 'n' cunts

RavenRant August 9, 2011 at 8:57 pm

By the makers of Kibbles 'n' Bits. But much more fun.

Texan_Bulldog August 9, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I got my own problems. The other night I dreamed I was sleeping with Rick Perry, because of all the stupid Rick Perry stories, which are multiplied by a thousand here in Austin. I need serious counseling/therapy and to either drink a LOT more or a LOT less. Sob…

My only consolation is is if I lived in NJ, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't dream about porking Chris Christie. Surely my subconscious has SOME standards!??

Fukui_sanYesOta August 9, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Maybe it was Chris Christie wearing a rubber Rick Perry mask?

Texan_Bulldog August 9, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I have GOT to get off the political blogs for awhile! I may be permanently scarred.

(It wasn't CC in my dreams; I didn't get crushed.)

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:24 pm

NaNI???

BlueStateLibel August 9, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Oh God, what are you going to do when Perry is elected president? Electric shock therapy? Be glad though you don't actually live in New Jersey and get to see huge photos of Christie's face plastered on the morning newspaper's front page almost every day.

Texan_Bulldog August 9, 2011 at 9:09 pm

I know! My only defense is that Rick Perry isn't obese & hideous…and he must have kept his fucking mouth shut in my dream.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Console yourself with that thought, dear: Perry might be a HUGE opening asshole, but he's got enough head hair to hold on to if you're in for a night of rough riding. Also, you won't need tweezers to find his dick. I think. But for gawd's sake, don't you EVER give me no mental images of ANYONE porking Gov. Crispy, EVAH, you hear?

usernameguy August 9, 2011 at 8:53 pm

I'm not worried about the swine flu! I already had the swine flu! I'm worried about the turtle flu!

Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise!

rocktonsam August 9, 2011 at 9:06 pm

don't puss out walnuts

unclejeems August 9, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Earth to Teabaggers. "They" already have our farms. If by "they" you mean evil, greedsucking multinational corporations.

Slim_Pickins August 9, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Do the teatards buy their undershorts pre-knotted?

Tundra Grifter August 10, 2011 at 8:57 am

Amd the women purchase their panties in bunches.

DashboardBuddha August 10, 2011 at 9:24 am

yes…and their vaginas pre-sanded.

comrad_darkness August 9, 2011 at 9:49 pm

The really sad thing is he probably used a few units of blood destined for someone not a total fucking idiot.

Negropolis August 9, 2011 at 10:09 pm

“I’m sorry if it was misunderstood,” McCain said. “I’m not sorry for what I said. I mean, why should I when it’s the fact?”

This is why I can never fully loathe McCain with the heat of a thousand suns. Albeit, I still loathe him with the heat of many hundreds of suns, but sometimes his obstinance is a good thing.

To kind of add to that point, though, he could apologize to us for one thing: Sarah Palin.

rahelio August 9, 2011 at 10:15 pm

"Roving gangs of unruly Arizona Teatards showed up…." has got to be the second scariest sentence ever conceived.

Number one would be "Bachmann wins 2012 Election by 5-4 vote in a Supreme Court decision…" (that's the ONLY way that could happen, right?!)

Angry_Marmot August 9, 2011 at 10:49 pm

You'd have to stoop pretty damned low to teabag a hobbit.

Jeffer August 9, 2011 at 11:14 pm

So the WSJ makes a sarcastic remark about the tea baggers. That the republic party considered them the "small unlikely heroes" that would save the world. And thus supported candidates of marginal sanity.
And McCain changes that description to "idiot" or some sort of derogatory term that describes small people. Obviously not understanding the context.

I used to have some respect for McCain. A long time ago. He's now a whore who's sold out any sort of principal for those who obviously despise him.

I should feel some sort of pity for him. But somehow I can't.

Aryadnae August 9, 2011 at 11:22 pm

If the hobbits are supposed to be the good guys, why are the tea partiers so upset? Geez, if you call them heroes, they get mad; if you call them terrorists they get mad! Maybe they're just mad.
http://restoringtruthiness.org/5847/mccain-to-tea

AddHomonym August 10, 2011 at 12:58 am

They can't be Hobbits. No one, like, no one, wants to know they have got in their pocketses.

PristinePantalones August 10, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Or if it's "tasty." Or "crunchy."

smitallica August 10, 2011 at 8:34 am

"I'm sorry, I did not mean to call you Hobbits. I meant to say 'mouth-breathing racist fucktards.' Better?"

LiveToServeYa August 10, 2011 at 8:49 am

WALNUTS has his rare moments of glory, unlike others who have none.

mumbly_joe August 10, 2011 at 11:30 am

Mental Hobbits

Buckminster August 10, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Arizona, it's time for your medicine.

SilverTsunami August 10, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Wow, he used the word "fact" in front of Teapartiers. Could the Maverick be back?

BZ1 August 10, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Hobbits? more like Morlocks (sorry about the literary allusions…)

Texan_Bulldog August 9, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Ummm…is that you or Marilyn Monroe?

Limeylizzie August 9, 2011 at 8:46 pm

It's June Wilkinson, another famously bosomy Brit.

PristinePantalones August 9, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Damn! And here I was all pleased (and exhausted) that I had fapped to the sight of *your* beautiful bosom.

Oh, well. I have the memory of your pussy to warm me.

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