SNOWBILLY INNOVATIONS  9:26 am August 9, 2011

Sarah Palin’s New Grandchild Here Six Months Early

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

the 2011 company picnic photo.See how time passes these days, faster than you thought it would, faster than the rules of the space-time continuum suggest they could, because Track Palin and his wife of three months, Britta, have a new baby! That is “the miracle of science” that the Palin family tree has discovered and been perfecting in their home meth labs recently, how to churn out a nine-month-old fetus a mere three months after a shotgun wedding. Can everyone even believe it? Maybe, for one second, because breeding is the main cash crop of the extended Palin family. Research and development is the lifeblood of company growth, etc. Oh well, whatever/congratulations!

Everyone knew from the moment this photo came out that this unfortunate new Palin family member was pregnant, because 21-year-old girls in Alaska do not wear jeans to their own weddings. (Jeans are for the third marriage in your mid-forties.) What bizarre name came up on the Scrabble board this time?

Not as weird as we’ve come to expect by half:

In an exclusive interview with RadarOnline.com, Britta Hanson’s mother Elizabeth expressed her delight over her first grandchild. “Kyla Grace is great.  She’s beautiful,” the proud first-time grandmother said.

“I’m very happy,” she gushed about the new baby.

Her daughter Britta, 21, gave birth to Kyla Grace on Saturday, August 6 just three months after marrying Track Palin, 22, Sarah and Todd Palin’s oldest child.

“I love my daughter and my son-in-law very much,” Hanson told RadarOnline.com about the overjoyed new parents.

We were voting for “Zamboni” but there’s always next time. [RadarOnline]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 291 comments }

tihond August 9, 2011 at 9:29 am

SHOTGUN WEDDING LIBEL!

mumbly_joe August 9, 2011 at 10:25 am

BROOD LIBEL!

tihond August 9, 2011 at 10:43 am

I tip my hat to you, sir.

Negropolis August 9, 2011 at 11:05 pm

SPAWN LIBEL!

Barb August 9, 2011 at 9:30 am

Wonder if Sarah has sent the new baby a friendship request on Facebook yet? I'm sure that once she does the newborn will be giving thumbs up to everything Granny has to post about.

Angry_Marmot August 9, 2011 at 9:40 am

That day in the third grade when you realize Granny's a selfish loon is a sad day in any young girl's life…

V572 Coif of Destiny August 9, 2011 at 9:47 am

No, but Newt is claiming Kyla follows him on Twitter

Guppy06 August 9, 2011 at 11:07 am

Nice to see that he's taking the long view on wife shopping.

(OK, not really that nice.)

V572 Coif of Destiny August 9, 2011 at 11:35 am

Oh that's quite nice!

SorosBot August 9, 2011 at 10:00 am

Now, this is Sarah; she ignores her own kids except when she needs a political prop or human shield, so she won't be paying any attention to this grandkid either unless it becomes convenient.

Barb August 9, 2011 at 10:03 am

$100.00 says that Sarah has spoken to People magazine about a deal to sell the baby pictures already.

Lascauxcaveman August 9, 2011 at 11:27 am

People is gonna get those pix pretty cheap, because Bristol's already undercutting Sarah's bid by 30%.

user-of-owls August 9, 2011 at 11:31 am

No, there's a mixup here: Bristol's offering to sell the baby pix at a 60% discount, but Sarah's offering to sell the actual baby for $100K.

Plus, an embryo to be named later.

memzilla August 9, 2011 at 9:31 am

Good Grief, doing the math, this unfortunately-related-to-Wasilla-Grifter's child was conceived on or about Election Day 2010.

genxr August 9, 2011 at 9:57 am

Best teabagasm ever.

FlyOverGirl August 9, 2011 at 10:13 am

Election Day 2010: the gift that keeps on giving.

Lascauxcaveman August 9, 2011 at 11:29 am

Wasn't Track still over in the Big Sandbox back then?

So… maybe Todd?

GOPCrusher August 9, 2011 at 12:04 pm

But that would mean, that Track engaged in premarital sex. How can this be?

mog253 August 9, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Family values you can really get behind…….if you know what I mean.

Flat_Earther August 9, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Too late to vote…ah fuck it!

Come here a minute August 9, 2011 at 9:32 am

Clearly a reference to the use of KY during a wine-cooler fueled camping trip in Los Angeles.

genxr August 9, 2011 at 9:32 am

This is good news for Brisket's career as an abstinence trainer.

freakishlywrong August 9, 2011 at 9:34 am

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for the fight they must have had naming that baby.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 9, 2011 at 9:35 am

How about "Crash Palin"?
~

BlueMonkeh August 9, 2011 at 9:37 am

"Get a hit, Crash."

"Shut up."

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 11:23 am

No, Megan McCain has reserved the name "Crash" for her future spawn. Honoring Daddy and all that, ya know.

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Wouldn't the poor kid end up being named "Crash Crash Crash"? Let's just hope she doesn't marry anyone surnamed Crash.

mog253 August 9, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I vote for Early Palin.

BarackMyWorld August 9, 2011 at 9:35 am

Sarah Palin is a GILF….Grandma I'd Like to Forget.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 9, 2011 at 9:35 am

Kyla must be one those Polaroid Babies™ . She might be a little out of focus but you get almost instantaneous results.

Eh, Good luck kid, if I were you I'd run away and join a circus as soon as you can walk. Circus folk are good people.

DaRooster August 9, 2011 at 10:06 am

No need to run to a circus…

BlueMonkeh August 9, 2011 at 9:35 am

Congratulations to the couple. Good luck to them and their new spawn.

Name is a little disappointing. I had "Triskette" in the baby pool (for a girl).

LesBontemps August 9, 2011 at 9:38 am

I was banking on "Tool Shed." For the obvious reasons.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 10:45 am

SEX POSITIVITY LIBEL!!!

(I mean, seriously, the Tool Shed is a classy erotic boutique on Milwaukee's posh East Side.)

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 11:13 am

I was sure hoping on "Tail Gate". "Tayle Gate", even.

Lascauxcaveman August 9, 2011 at 11:32 am

Tayle Gayte, for exxtra classiness.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Y? Why? 'Cause she's having a baby, baby….

freakishlywrong August 9, 2011 at 9:55 am

I was looking for "Tweet" or "Tderp". (T is silent).

MissusBarry August 9, 2011 at 10:08 am

I had Tribble. Drat.

Native_of_SL_UT August 9, 2011 at 10:32 am

T

Negropolis August 9, 2011 at 11:09 pm

I was hoping for Twerp, Trick, or Trapp, personally.

Rosie_Scenario August 9, 2011 at 9:36 am

"How's that preachy, abstinence-y thing workin' out for ya?"

benjo765 August 9, 2011 at 9:38 am

aww, when do you think it'll get its first autobiography out?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 9:51 am

About the same time as the Faux News contract.

Guppy06 August 9, 2011 at 11:11 am

Next week.

What ghost writer?

user-of-owls August 9, 2011 at 11:54 am

"Nine Months in Solitary: Escape from the Tyranny of the Socialist Womb."

Poindexter718 August 9, 2011 at 9:38 am

What the hell kinda name is "Grace"?

Barb August 9, 2011 at 9:40 am

It's short for SledDogRace.

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 11:15 am

Grrrrrace!

freakishlywrong August 9, 2011 at 9:56 am

Sarah?

SorosBot August 9, 2011 at 11:19 am

Maybe she was conceived while they were watching the AmazinG Race?

Barb August 9, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Could be short for disGrace.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 11:23 am

Never heard of a little show called Grace Under Surveyor's Marks Fire?

YasserArraFeck August 9, 2011 at 9:38 am

Knocked up at 21? What the hell was she waiting for?

MLHencken August 9, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Totally. What a slow learner.

Allmighty_Manos August 9, 2011 at 9:39 am

So are they divorced yet?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 9:54 am

Any day, now that there's no longer a fetus to protect.

Mumbletypeg August 9, 2011 at 9:39 am

But, how is this going to affect Trig Palin?

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Bzzzzt!! Wrong Palin.

mumbly_joe August 9, 2011 at 9:39 am

Clearly abstinence works so well that it impregnates the wiminfolk retroactively, duh.

YasserArraFeck August 9, 2011 at 9:40 am

What a cruel start to life for that poor kid – 1/4 Snowbilly and 1/4 Toad……I think "Fucked" would be a suitable name.

FlownOver August 9, 2011 at 9:41 am

Write the story now:

Honoring Tea Party principles and "our great American freedoms," Track Palin has refused to pay child support for over three years as he draws simultaneous six-figure salaries from his sister's "Abstinence and Responsibility Foundation" and Fox News.

He promises to "tell the truth that the biased media refuse to report" in his upcoming book, "Not Afraid to Scam."

ndisang67 August 9, 2011 at 12:02 pm

He promises to "tell the truth that the biased media refuse to report" in his upcoming book, "Not Afraid to Scam."

a better title would be "undefeated two"

Sue4466 August 9, 2011 at 9:41 am

So the Palins are as bad at math as we would all suspect. Or as phony. Not sure which it is.

freakishlywrong August 9, 2011 at 9:57 am

Both.

James Michael Curley August 9, 2011 at 10:21 am

You think in Alaska's school they teach you to count to 28?

AJWjr. August 9, 2011 at 11:28 am

Why would anyone need to count further than 26, as in that's how many weeks until your unemployment benefits run out?

LetUsBray August 9, 2011 at 12:00 pm

"All of them, Katie!"

x111e7thst August 9, 2011 at 9:41 am

What does Levi Johnston's sister have to say about this?

baconzgood August 9, 2011 at 9:41 am

Did you know:

That Garry Shandling's character from the movie "What Planet are You From" is loosely based on Track Palin?

EDIT: I knew no one would get that….I think I was the only one who saw that movie.

outragedcitizen August 9, 2011 at 10:59 am

I never did like Shandling, now I know why. Thanks.

baconzgood August 9, 2011 at 11:10 am

For some reason I loved the Lary Sanders Show (Almost as much as MST3K and the Furniture Guys) and was pissed when it was cancelled.

Steverino247 August 9, 2011 at 12:04 pm

The funniest episode was the one where his sidekick got the commercial gig for screwing the woman who was looking for talent. The last line of the show was: "That's great! Who did you have to fuck to get that part?"

mumbly_joe August 9, 2011 at 9:41 am

Oh man, I just realized something:

camping trip

camping trip

trip

Kinda lends credence to the notion that the Snowbilly clan has a tradition of naming their spawn after the place where they're concieved, don't it?

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Oh shit, isn't one of them named "Track"?

LesBontemps August 9, 2011 at 9:43 am

Let's not forget who the real victim is here.

SorosBot August 9, 2011 at 9:50 am

Britta, for being stuck with that thing as a mother-in-law.

DashboardBuddha August 9, 2011 at 9:54 am

I'm sure she'll be able to filter out the hate.

BlueMonkeh August 9, 2011 at 10:03 am

HA!!!

bureaucrap August 9, 2011 at 10:03 am

Hitler?

DaRooster August 9, 2011 at 10:25 am

Poor kid… good luck Kyla.

anniegetyerfun August 9, 2011 at 10:44 am

Us?

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 10:46 am

The midwife, who isn't going to get paid?

coron4 August 9, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Kate Moss!

Negropolis August 9, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Hitler? Hitler's Legacy?

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:18 pm

It's always Hitler with you guys, isn't it?

slithytoves August 9, 2011 at 9:43 am

To the Palins: Quit diluting the godamned gene pool!

comptoneffect August 9, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Dilute nothing, the Palin family genes are concentrated toxins. Actually the word you wanted was pollute as in: Quit polluting the godamned gene pool!

hollywooddood August 9, 2011 at 9:43 am

Sperm goes in. Baby comes out. You can't explain it.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 9:45 am

By the way, Kyla is pronounced "Killa".

(You should see the cute rifle they gave her at the baby shower.)

neiltheblaze August 9, 2011 at 10:02 am

It was a pink Hello Kitty model.

FannyBurney August 9, 2011 at 9:46 am

I thought they'd name her Water Filter, after her mother.

Fare la Volpe August 9, 2011 at 10:09 am

They thought "Pūr" sounded too foreign.

LibertyLover August 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

They could have gone with "Hurdle" after their dad…

Gratuitous World August 9, 2011 at 9:46 am

aerial-wolf-shotgun-wedding. or in alaska, "sundays."

elviouslyqueer August 9, 2011 at 9:47 am

Trashy white trash is trashy.

Fare la Volpe August 9, 2011 at 10:07 am

You can take the trash out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the trash.

JoshuaNorton August 9, 2011 at 9:50 am

I'm don't think that "abstinence" means what they apparently think it does.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 9:57 am

You abstain from those evil contraceptive things.

NewtsChicknNeck August 9, 2011 at 10:44 am

anal only (sometimes)?

SorosBot August 9, 2011 at 9:50 am

"Congratulations", Kirsten? When someone gets stuck with a kid at 21, the right word is "condolences".

Actually I feel like saying "my condolences" whenever someone is pregnant / gets someone pregnant, but bite my tongue.

mumbly_joe August 9, 2011 at 10:05 am

What are you talking about? Young Britta Hanson is white, and married the son of a millionare who's not exactly bashful about inventing six-figure-salary jobs for her unemployable children.

Children having children is only a tragedy/pathology of society/whatever when it's done by brown people, who are poor also too. Otherwise, it's just god-fearin' Christian folk being fruitful and multiplyin' like it sez to over there in the bibble.

SorosBot August 9, 2011 at 10:08 am

Yeah, but even rich white people are stuck with one of those horrid baby things.

mumbly_joe August 9, 2011 at 10:13 am

One thing I learned growing up in a place that fucking SALON called "the land of limosine liberalism" is that if you're rich enough, and white enough, you can pay someone else to deal with them while they're in the larval stage.

Whether you call such a person an "au pair" or a "nanny" depends on a number of factors, but essentially boils down to a cumulative measure of how white, how young and sexy, and how legally permitted to reside in the country they are.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 10:47 am

This doesn't even touch on surrogacy…

MissusBarry August 9, 2011 at 10:15 am

Exactly!

MissusBarry August 9, 2011 at 10:17 am

Just because I can afford pajama jeans doesn't mean I'd ever want to have them.

SorosBot August 9, 2011 at 10:41 am

Why, why do those things exist? America – #1 in laziness and tackiness.

AJWjr. August 9, 2011 at 11:32 am

It's actually the minimum wage domestic help that is "stuck" with babby.

MissusBarry August 9, 2011 at 10:14 am

So with you.

GOPCrusher August 9, 2011 at 12:09 pm

They're just doing their part to ensure that white people don't become the minorities of America. THEY'RE TAKING AMERICA BACK!

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:21 pm

I don't. I know they'll be on the phone for the next 18 years crying about how they can't get a decent night's sleep any more through how the kid's drinking all their booze and selling all their drugs to its little pals.

Chillwaver August 9, 2011 at 9:52 am

"I think they think abstinence is Latin for 'no anal'"
- Bill Maher

Goonemeritus August 9, 2011 at 9:52 am

So how’s that abstinence only thing working out for ya?

Oh by the way Mazel Tov

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 11:24 am

The judges also would have accepted, "How's that drily, humpy thing workin' out for ye?"

DaSandman August 9, 2011 at 9:53 am

But will Track share his meth? How does a young grifter provide for his family?

ndisang67 August 9, 2011 at 12:06 pm

may not need to work…momma already made millions off suckers..

tihond August 9, 2011 at 9:56 am

We're all going to regret joking about this when it turns out Kyla is a time traveler sent from the future to save us from ourselves.

DaRooster August 9, 2011 at 10:13 am

Through that gene pool? I think not… G-mom's last name is Palin, not Connors.

James Michael Curley August 9, 2011 at 10:25 am

And we learn that Kyla is Sarah Palin's mother and Kyla Palin means 'poluted stream' in a long lost Inuit dialect.

trampndirtdown August 9, 2011 at 11:55 pm

POND LIBEL!!!

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Shouldn't that be "pond SCUM libel"?

coron4 August 9, 2011 at 2:45 pm

We're all going to regret joking about this when another Wonkette staffer goes down in flames.

neiltheblaze August 9, 2011 at 9:56 am

Kyla Grace? That Track! SUCH a rebel. Why – that's practically normal!

arihaya August 9, 2011 at 10:39 am

'Nancy Grace" however, is hardly normal

DaSandman August 9, 2011 at 11:39 am

Nah, Jeebus insisted on it. Track wanted to call her Fuck Trophy.

OC_Surf_Serf August 9, 2011 at 9:56 am

Six Months Early

Time, being a scienceey thingy, does not apply to the Palin family.

(even their '15 minutes' has lasted 3 fucking years)

PubOption August 9, 2011 at 11:31 am

I'm trying to remember theoretical physics here. I recall that space-time would be warped around an object of infinite density (most Palins seem to approach this condition) but I think time would be dilated rather than compressed.

DerrickWildcat August 9, 2011 at 9:56 am

This person will have 6 more months to be loved or something.

Barrelhse August 9, 2011 at 10:00 am

Do they even know who the father is?

elviouslyqueer August 9, 2011 at 10:08 am

Oh come on, Barrelhse, you know the obvious answer…

wait for it…

All of them, Katie!

*retreats to thunderous applause*

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

I was going to say, "Levi".

AJWjr. August 9, 2011 at 11:35 am

In that family, it's usually the mother that asks "Is it mine?"

mourningnmerica August 9, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Best.

mourningnmerica August 9, 2011 at 3:31 pm

I'm just relieved they didn't name it 2nd Dude, or Lil' Paw Paw, or Todddiderod.

Fare la Volpe August 9, 2011 at 10:03 am

Gestation is for terrorists.

MrDorkbutt August 9, 2011 at 10:04 am

$20 says Levi Johnston is the favor. That dude is always having his way with Palin family values.

Ansnarkist August 9, 2011 at 10:06 am

Britta? What is she a water filter?

Britta? What is she a character on an NBC sitcom?

Ducksworthy August 9, 2011 at 10:09 am

Ah Ya beat me to it. What is it with these people? Is this a cult? Or are teevee commercials their only cultural references?

DaRooster August 9, 2011 at 10:10 am

It is a sitcom … of sorts. However… it ain't that funny.

arihaya August 9, 2011 at 10:38 am

she is the one warned to us by Paul Revere,,, "The Britta is coming, the Britta is coming.'

Chet Kincaid August 9, 2011 at 11:10 am

If the Britta wasn't coming, they wouldn't be in this mess.

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 11:34 am

With these folks, that Britta was coming may be a generous assumption.

DaRooster August 9, 2011 at 10:07 am

How many wine coolers for this one?

Ansnarkist August 9, 2011 at 10:19 am

All of them, Katie.

Did I do that right?

DaRooster August 9, 2011 at 10:29 am

Now… how did I know that was gonna happen?

Ansnarkist August 9, 2011 at 11:18 am

Sorry, couldn't pass up the easy setup.

GOPCrusher August 9, 2011 at 2:00 pm

That's what happens when you lob softballs.

DaRooster August 9, 2011 at 2:09 pm

That's what she said… hey… wait…

JustPixelz August 9, 2011 at 10:07 am

I guess Britta's water broke early.

Baby girl, 6lbs 4oz + the awful weight of granny grizzly Sarah Palin™ around her neck

With God's grace, Kyla Grace will live into the 22nd century, about the time we've cleaned up the Tea Party and Repubican mess.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 11:25 am

A six-pounds premie! It's a miracle!

DaRooster August 9, 2011 at 10:09 am

"What fleece should I wear Ma?"
"The grey one."
"But I wore the grey one to Grandpa's funeral."

occams8ball August 9, 2011 at 10:10 am

wotta buncha reeeeetards.

RocketNo9 August 9, 2011 at 10:10 am

Yay now Track and Waterfilter can start poopin' out genetically twisted failurechildren and start building their own inbred cult like Gamma LouSarah!

Their poison wombs are making Alaska too crowded.

hagajim August 9, 2011 at 10:12 am

Another mouth to feed – oh well, the snowbilly better get back to grifting.

arihaya August 9, 2011 at 10:12 am

i'm surprissed that the baby isn't named based on the parents' names, like Brick (Brita and Track)

NewtsChicknNeck August 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

you have no idea how close you are…it was going to be Brick until Ben Folds sent them notice that they'd be paying him royalties every time SP used the lil' one as a prop.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 10:49 am

Go fuck yourself, San Diego!

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 11:36 am

Grandma can't string two words together that make any sense – why assume the kids could?

anniegetyerfun August 9, 2011 at 12:05 pm

It doesn't have to make sense. Refudiate!

elviouslyqueer August 9, 2011 at 11:54 am

Not if they've read "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" they won't.

Oh wait, I'm assuming they've read something other than a box of mac and cheese. I MADE A FUNNY!

GOPCrusher August 9, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Or Bric-a-brac.

Negropolis August 9, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Genius!

MissusBarry August 9, 2011 at 10:13 am

This is just evidence that fetii are actually babies in the first trimester, obviously.

johnnyzhivago August 9, 2011 at 10:25 am

3 months is 9 months in Grizzly years….

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 10:49 am

STROMILE SWIFT LIBEL!!!

ManchuCandidate August 9, 2011 at 10:27 am

Quitting runs in the family. Just so easy to quit birf control and/or abstinence.

GOPCrusher August 9, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Or quit the pregnancy after three months.

mourningnmerica August 9, 2011 at 3:33 pm

She thought that, like his Mom, he would simply pull out.

NorthStarSpanx August 9, 2011 at 10:28 am

Whenever Sarah does release herself from whatever gag-order was issued regarding this new Palin offspring, I'm sure she'll gush about the biblical middle name and enunciate GRACE the way she enunciates HUSSEIN every chance she gets.

mourningnmerica August 9, 2011 at 3:34 pm

If Britta had a gag order, we wouldn't be in this mess now. (Get it, get it?)

johnnyzhivago August 9, 2011 at 10:28 am

What a fine, upstanding Republican family.

James Michael Curley August 9, 2011 at 10:30 am

There are ghosts on this forum. The following seems stuck in my Post a new comment box, WTF? Now, when going up the NJ Turnpike and I see an Amber Alert sign, I'll know what to do …

johnnyzhivago August 9, 2011 at 10:31 am

Waiting nine months for your tax deductions is so old fashioned in today's economy. If anyone is to blame for this, it's Obama.

LesBontemps August 9, 2011 at 11:29 am

So he's the baby daddy? Thanksgiving dinner's gonna be interesting.

James Michael Curley August 9, 2011 at 10:32 am

We need to build a dang fence around Alaska! Henngh!

Buckminster August 9, 2011 at 11:20 am

We need to build a fence around all Palin genitalia.

mavenmaven August 9, 2011 at 10:40 am

When will Sarah Palin attack Letterman over this baby?

bagofmice August 9, 2011 at 10:44 am

I have to admit, naming the kid Zamboni would have been a smooth move.

Lascauxcaveman August 9, 2011 at 2:31 pm

That's cold.

102415 August 9, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Hockey Monkey is a great song. I like that we could call her Zam!

Dr_Zoidberg August 9, 2011 at 10:44 am

Wow, they really are just a bunch of hillbillies.

fuflans August 9, 2011 at 10:45 am

i'm not going to snark here as:

1. the palins really are irrelevancies at this point
2. i kinda hope that military son and pregnant gal turn into boring normal people.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 10:51 am

More likely, they'll turn into Col. Frank Fitts & Family.

YasserArraFeck August 9, 2011 at 11:03 am

Will only happen if they move far away, to somewhere where the name "Palin" doesn't carry the Stench of the Grift(TM) about it….Tierra del Fuego, maybe?

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 11:29 am

Terra del Fuego? And Track was hiking her trail.

Isn't that what got Britta into this mess?

AJWjr. August 9, 2011 at 11:39 am

I guess Arizona is out of the question, then.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 10:51 am

CORD BLOOD LIBEL!!!

DemonicRage August 9, 2011 at 10:55 am

If you are going to subject us to any news updates about the Snowbunny Grifter clan, could we have a summer repeat of exactly how many pair of silk boxers for Todd were charged at Saks Fifth Ave and billed to the Republican National Party…also what size they were. Makes it easier to visualize the First Dude in his lounge hours.

Guppy06 August 9, 2011 at 11:05 am

Less "family tree," more "sign post."

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 11:16 am

What's brown & sticky?

The Palin geneaology chart.

Thurman Munster IV August 9, 2011 at 11:18 am

Shit, the way these folks procreate my permanent fund dividend will be down to a buck-40 before long

bagofmice August 9, 2011 at 11:59 am

That's socialism!

Buckminster August 9, 2011 at 11:19 am

Lovely. These mental midgets breed like fruit flies and now it doesn't even take 9 months for them to pop out a kid? Sheesh! I shudder at this verkatke world.

jdoleman August 9, 2011 at 11:19 am

It was a quiet wedding, the shotguns had silencers on them.

DahBoner August 9, 2011 at 1:53 pm

And they was actually hunting for the food for the reception…

Chet Kincaid August 9, 2011 at 11:22 am

OT Scum Alert: Our old friend Spanky Breivik is back in action with a new ID account called "DOW has Barrybarry." Look for him to be spreading his fungus on your recent visitors list!

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 11:30 am

Yup. He has had 3 names in as many days. Lordy, so sad.

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 11:40 am

Lordy, how many voices can a guy have in one head?

starfanglednut August 9, 2011 at 11:50 am

He never follows me. I guess I'm not important. I haz inferiority complex now.

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I did ask him why he follows me as I have nothing of importance to say/add. His reply was some nonsense about everybody has something to teach him. Yeah, right. If anything from reading my posts he should have learned that changing a screenname so often is schizophrenic.

glamourdammerung August 9, 2011 at 12:46 pm

All I did was ask him what the point of trolling a website for hours and hours every single day was. I guess I must have really hurt his fragile widdle feelings.

mumbly_joe August 9, 2011 at 11:40 am

When he named SEAL Team 6 for getting OBL, Obama told terrorists around the world whom to attack.

Sooo… troll's an idiot, in other words?

Wait, how is that even a question.

Chet Kincaid August 9, 2011 at 12:06 pm

His dedication to mindless talking points is breathtaking. I hope our vaunted national security apparatus of anal-probe invasiveness is keeping his ass away from firearms.

mumbly_joe August 9, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I'm just flabbergasted that someone so obsessed with The Terrorists would fail to understand how "Seal Team Six" is an uninformative handle that gives zero information about the covert team that is "on call" and assembled on an ad hoc basis when needed, let alone the identities of the people that make up the team, which are protected precisely for OpSec reasons.

I mean, I honestly shouldn't be all that surprised that right-wing war cheerleaders don't understand how military intelligence works nearly as much as li'l ol' left-wing peacenik libtard me, given how the years between 2001-2008 unfolded, but still. You'd think they'd understand the difference between outing a CIA operative with NOC status and saying "this is a thing which we call the team that did this op, here's NO MORE INFORMATION about who they are, where they're based, or how they operate".

Steverino247 August 9, 2011 at 12:14 pm

No shit? Like the bad guys don't know we have SEAL's, rangers, Green Berets and Delta operators to chase them with. You would think that Black Hawk Down would have been a fucking clue…

GOPCrusher August 9, 2011 at 12:30 pm

They walk around wearing t-shirts that say "Yup, I'm a member of SEAL Team 6."?

glamourdammerung August 9, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I thought that was so terrorists would kill Breitards and Red Staters. Since they are the only ones I see claiming to be members of SEAL Team 6, ninjas, etc.

user-of-owls August 9, 2011 at 11:46 am

He's been pretty much emasculated (I know, redundant) since the down thumb was amputated, no?

DahBoner August 9, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Is our stalkers learning?

Rotundo_ August 9, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Not from what I see: I would prefer that he had to work to see what I had to say, but I can't imagine him getting a whole lot from the experience. If he thinks we're good for oppo research for the "patriots" we aren't exactly exceptional in terms of our viewpoints etc. It isn't like he's doing some sort of "intel" work observing us, unless it's in his happy little conservative world. Although that could be it, maybe he is divorced sufficiently from reality to think he is reporting all this to Breitbart's legions so they can "track" us and our "unAmurkan" activities. I'm thinking Andy is more interested in getting pissed up and passing out.

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 11:25 am

How long will that premie have to stay under the heat lamp?????

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 11:31 am
user-of-owls August 9, 2011 at 11:44 am

Just until the burger is done and the "Order up!" call goes out.

DahBoner August 9, 2011 at 1:56 pm

"How long will that premie have to stay under the heat lamp?????"

In order to get a fresh baby, that hasn't been sitting under a heat lamp for too long, you need to special order one.

Like with three arms or something….

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Careful, or Incensed Debate will take away the word "special".

a_pink_poodle August 9, 2011 at 11:27 am

It's a Jesus miracle! A 6 month premature baby is healthy and alive!

GOPCrusher August 9, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Isn't this more a triumph of America's Best In The World Health Care System that people from those countries that have nationalized care can only dream of?

a_pink_poodle August 9, 2011 at 3:20 pm

That Baby Jesus blessed so that the rich can live in eternal life!

Rotundo_ August 9, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I'm wondering if the Palin clan has devolved back to marsupial so the kid attaches to mom like a baby 'roo and stuff.

Dürers Rhino August 9, 2011 at 11:27 am

Think of what their accelerated breeding program could do for stem cell research!

donner_froh August 9, 2011 at 11:29 am

The Palin clan doesn't believe in socialistic condoms.

user-of-owls August 9, 2011 at 11:34 am

Literally, a family of bastards.

MissusBarry August 9, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Competely OT, Owls, but hope your cleanliness is going well.

Weenus299 August 9, 2011 at 11:37 am

Maybe next Klepta, then Krapta, so they can raise a KKK-razy familia.

johnnymeatworth August 9, 2011 at 11:42 am

The kid's already quit being in the womb.? What a go-getter!

user-of-owls August 9, 2011 at 11:42 am

Any bets on which of the breeder-reactionary candidates' families is going to grab for the obvious and name their next ex-fetus "Job Creator?"

It does have an Old Testament vibe, after all.

bagofmice August 9, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Job's creator was a bit of a bastard, dealing with the devil like that.

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Yeah, but look what he did to *Job.*

I mean, really, you're better off not being friends with a guy like that.

Radiotherapy® August 9, 2011 at 3:16 pm

oh, that's rich, haven't these people suffered enough?

franco_pinyon August 9, 2011 at 11:44 am

Good Grief!!! These people are like a case of psoriasis. Not only are they impossible to get rid of but they tend to spread.

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Soon, they will be able to charge a small fee for visitors to view the "Palin's Ascend from the Cave" every evening at dusk.

Mort_Sinclair August 9, 2011 at 11:50 am

Twenty bucks says the kid is the product of another one of Sarah Palin's invisible pregnancies.

bflrtsplk August 9, 2011 at 11:50 am

Zamboni has four – er three – syllables, far too complex for this bunch. So, for the next one, here's one vote for Puck.

user-of-owls August 9, 2011 at 11:51 am

And this overgrown embryo is damn well gonna testify before an Ohio legislative committee, unlike those spineless lumps that wussed out back in March!

Oblios_Cap August 9, 2011 at 11:55 am

$arah's son-in-law definitely has Presidential Timber!

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 11:57 am

OT: But, I invented a time machine to take us all back to the time when we didn't know the name, Palin. Then, we form a queue and bitch slap Walnuts and then we return to August 9, 2011. Though, I do want to stop off in April of '09 to put some more money in the markets.

The line starts over there near the file cabinet. Sign the clipboard. Bring a lunch.

RedneckMuslin August 9, 2011 at 12:01 pm

We could go back to visit one of those many plane crashes that he lived thru.

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Ah, right. Bring a lunch and a 2 x 4.

ndisang67 August 9, 2011 at 11:57 am

"Her daughter Britta, 21, …..Track Palin, 22…"

looks like they never made college?
do the Palins have something against college?

RedneckMuslin August 9, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Well, yeah, she's been one of the leaders of the War on Education the last few years.

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm

WTF, Sarah loves college. So much so that she attended five them all by herself.

HelmutNewton August 9, 2011 at 12:04 pm

It's like the beginning of the movie "Idiocracy"!

Nothingisamiss August 9, 2011 at 1:09 pm

EXACTLY. That documentary was incredible, btw.

WIDTAP August 9, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Who says three women can't make a baby in 3 months?

jakegittes August 9, 2011 at 12:20 pm

They could have named her "Twitta." An acknowledgment of the mother's contribution, a tip o' the hat to Gramma's favorite mode of communication, with just a hint at the IQ level of Palin family members as a group.

trampndirtdown August 10, 2011 at 12:16 am

How about Quitta?

Neoyorquino August 9, 2011 at 12:27 pm

We're witnessing an historical moment here folks, for the history books of the future will note that Kyla Grace is the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother of President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. Too bad no one will know how to read them.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 9, 2011 at 12:39 pm

You know, at the rate they are breading, Palins will soon come to dominate the Alaska Wilderness.

Maybe we should allow hunting from helicopters?

DahBoner August 9, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Thinning the herds before winter prevents unnecessary winter kill due to harsh weather and decreased food levels.

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 3:56 pm

I hear the Palins are lot tastier when they're breaded. I wanna be the one to throw them in the pot of bubbling Crisco.

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Great minds think alike? Small minds seldom differ?

Neilist_Returns August 9, 2011 at 12:44 pm

You Liberal Communist Pinko SKUM have no idea of the needs and requirements of "frontier living."

Imagine that it has been a hard winter,and you have nothing in the larder. A staving neighboring frontiersMAN shows up on your doorstep, and you have NO BACON OR SAUSAGE to go with those groatcakes smothered in 30 Weight, the Traditional Meal Of Hospitality in the Great Frozen North.

What's a host to do?

But then, your eye falls on crawling little Kyla . . . .

Neilist
Upstairs, Helping The Servants Make The Beds Again

P.S. Ted Nugent likes his hickory smoked.

mumbly_joe August 9, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Well, if we can get the poors to that instead of buying groceries, they can afford their medicine.

It's a blessing!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I used to love "Swift's Premium" sausages — somehow I never made the connection.

Lascauxcaveman August 9, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Sure sounds more palatable than "Soylent Green."

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Ted Nugent will just have to smoke his own, then. I don't believe there's anyone but pasty RWNJs who would offer to do that for him.

owhatever August 9, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Has little Trig knocked up any Alaska babe yet?

Redhead August 9, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Well, meth-babies DO tend to be born prematurely…

But if they had any sense, Britta and TrackityTripperRoo would have named the baby Ret@rd – that way, under Sarah's own rules, Sarah would not be able to publicly say that baby's name or use that poor baby in any of her "campaign speeches"/desperate scrambles for attention and money.

PristinePantalones August 18, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Since neither adult of this charming family posseses a job, an education, or anything resembling marketing skills, they're best off letting Mama Grifty do her thang to keep them in swill.

Nixon_So_Fine August 9, 2011 at 1:14 pm

What's that German word for how this makes me feel?…emm…Oh right…"UPFISTS FOR EVERYONE!"

HelloDollyIV August 9, 2011 at 1:22 pm

absinthe – abstinence . . . there's a difference?

Guppy06 August 9, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Who's mommy's little Permanent Fund check?

JustPixelz August 9, 2011 at 2:37 pm

The baby is a Palin, so must have been born pregnant or something. Sarah Palin™ will be a great-grand-mother* by this time next year.
_________________________
* by custom only. she is neither "great" nor "grand" nor — it's plain to see — much of a "mother". Where is her youngest cub these days?

comrad_darkness August 9, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Family Values = Fuck like horny rabbits and claim Jesus superiority.

mourningnmerica August 9, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Shoulda used a filter.

mourningnmerica August 9, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Willow is at least 15. Please discuss.

flamingpdog August 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm

All of them, Katie.

Rotundo_ August 9, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Roses are red
And ready for plucking,
Willow's 15 and ready for
High School!

AlaskaGrrl August 9, 2011 at 4:30 pm

My guess for a name was "Trick".

JimNauseam August 9, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Poor Tripp … only 3 years old and already a washed-up ex-prop.

lochnessmonster August 9, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Maybe the blushing brides parents aren't as crazy as th Palin clan and taught her better OR maybe she graduated HS???

Rotundo_ August 9, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I'm just so happy that they gave the kid a nice normal name. I'm thinking that mom might be a bit more together than the Palin side of the equation. So long as the little one doesn't become a prop for Grandmama, she stands a fair chance of having as normal a life as anyone up in that permafrost encrusted hellhole can have. Good luck Kyla, many people have pathological grannies, try to avoid yours…

petehammer August 9, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I guess we now know who was behind this infamous Yahoo! Answers question:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080

rocktonsam August 9, 2011 at 6:37 pm

those people don't play scrabble.

cripes

ttommyunger August 9, 2011 at 7:00 pm

I say cut the kids some slack. The first one can come any time, the ones after that take nine months. Oh, and stand by for Rick Perry's double announcement: his candidacy and naming the Snowbilly Grifter as his running mate. I've been preaching this ever since I spotted them eye-fucking each other at Grampa Walnut's Campaign Events.

Limeylizzie August 9, 2011 at 8:05 pm
PrimlyStable August 9, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Three months is the average gestation period for a pig.

Negropolis August 9, 2011 at 11:15 pm

I, for one, was hoping that they would name it "Trapp" if it was a boy, and "Trixx" or "Clapp" if it was a girl.

user-of-owls August 10, 2011 at 12:09 am

It takes a girl being passed around a village to make a chile' this quick.

magginkat August 18, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Another of those premature babies weighing in at 8 lbs 3 oz or more??

bun-bun April 22, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Congratulations to Track
the twelve-gauge groom.

PuglyDoRight April 24, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Britta? Was she named after the water filter?

anniegetyerfun August 9, 2011 at 10:46 am

I'm sending mine to India! My kids, not my pajama jeans. I'm not CRUEL or anything.

insidebeltway August 9, 2011 at 11:34 am

My Mom gave me a pair. Was she trying to tell me something?

jus_wonderin August 9, 2011 at 11:41 am

Before I answer. Are you male or female?

Mumbletypeg August 9, 2011 at 11:57 am

What I was thinking when I read Joe's post initially. Those familiar with the film Way of the Gun will remember how a certain videotape of a [..aagh - spoiler, I suppose] broke both Benicio and, whatever trophy-wife's name was, out of their respective internal firmaments, each quite memorably, if temporarily.

Lascauxcaveman August 9, 2011 at 12:27 pm

LOL, I just love this exciting, confusing, speeded-up free agency season, don't you? This is gonna be the bestest football year in a long time.

finallyhappy August 9, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I sent one of mine to China but she came back- she was too old for child labor by then anyway

mumbly_joe August 9, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Yeah, surrogacy should have occurred to me as well. Truth is, though, I spent most weekends my immediate post-college years in the local dive bar trying to *ahem* get to know the local au pairs, so that's the culture I'm most familiar with.

horsedreamer_1 August 9, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Back in late '03, I met my only two au paire (?) at Barnes n' Nobly at the mall. I still yearn for them.

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