snowbilly innovations

Sarah Palin’s New Grandchild Here Six Months Early

the 2011 company picnic photo.See how time passes these days, faster than you thought it would, faster than the rules of the space-time continuum suggest they could, because Track Palin and his wife of three months, Britta, have a new baby! That is “the miracle of science” that the Palin family tree has discovered and been perfecting in their home meth labs recently, how to churn out a nine-month-old fetus a mere three months after a shotgun wedding. Can everyone even believe it? Maybe, for one second, because breeding is the main cash crop of the extended Palin family. Research and development is the lifeblood of company growth, etc. Oh well, whatever/congratulations!

Everyone knew from the moment this photo came out that this unfortunate new Palin family member was pregnant, because 21-year-old girls in Alaska do not wear jeans to their own weddings. (Jeans are for the third marriage in your mid-forties.) What bizarre name came up on the Scrabble board this time?

Not as weird as we’ve come to expect by half:

In an exclusive interview with RadarOnline.com, Britta Hanson’s mother Elizabeth expressed her delight over her first grandchild. “Kyla Grace is great.  She’s beautiful,” the proud first-time grandmother said.

“I’m very happy,” she gushed about the new baby.

Her daughter Britta, 21, gave birth to Kyla Grace on Saturday, August 6 just three months after marrying Track Palin, 22, Sarah and Todd Palin’s oldest child.

“I love my daughter and my son-in-law very much,” Hanson told RadarOnline.com about the overjoyed new parents.

We were voting for “Zamboni” but there’s always next time. [RadarOnline]

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Hola wonkerados.

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291 comments

  1. Barb

    Wonder if Sarah has sent the new baby a friendship request on Facebook yet? I'm sure that once she does the newborn will be giving thumbs up to everything Granny has to post about.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      That day in the third grade when you realize Granny's a selfish loon is a sad day in any young girl's life…

    2. SorosBot

      Now, this is Sarah; she ignores her own kids except when she needs a political prop or human shield, so she won't be paying any attention to this grandkid either unless it becomes convenient.

      1. Barb

        $100.00 says that Sarah has spoken to People magazine about a deal to sell the baby pictures already.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          People is gonna get those pix pretty cheap, because Bristol's already undercutting Sarah's bid by 30%.

          1. user-of-owls

            No, there's a mixup here: Bristol's offering to sell the baby pix at a 60% discount, but Sarah's offering to sell the actual baby for $100K.

            Plus, an embryo to be named later.

          2. Lascauxcaveman

            LOL, I just love this exciting, confusing, speeded-up free agency season, don't you? This is gonna be the bestest football year in a long time.

  2. memzilla

    Good Grief, doing the math, this unfortunately-related-to-Wasilla-Grifter's child was conceived on or about Election Day 2010.

  3. Come here a minute

    Clearly a reference to the use of KY during a wine-cooler fueled camping trip in Los Angeles.

  4. freakishlywrong

    I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for the fight they must have had naming that baby.

    1. flamingpdog

      No, Megan McCain has reserved the name "Crash" for her future spawn. Honoring Daddy and all that, ya know.

      1. PristinePantalones

        Wouldn't the poor kid end up being named "Crash Crash Crash"? Let's just hope she doesn't marry anyone surnamed Crash.

  5. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Kyla must be one those Polaroid Babies™ . She might be a little out of focus but you get almost instantaneous results.

    Eh, Good luck kid, if I were you I'd run away and join a circus as soon as you can walk. Circus folk are good people.

  6. BlueMonkeh

    Congratulations to the couple. Good luck to them and their new spawn.

    Name is a little disappointing. I had "Triskette" in the baby pool (for a girl).

      1. horsedreamer_1

        SEX POSITIVITY LIBEL!!!

        (I mean, seriously, the Tool Shed is a classy erotic boutique on Milwaukee's posh East Side.)

  7. YasserArraFeck

    What a cruel start to life for that poor kid – 1/4 Snowbilly and 1/4 Toad……I think "Fucked" would be a suitable name.

  8. FlownOver

    Write the story now:

    Honoring Tea Party principles and "our great American freedoms," Track Palin has refused to pay child support for over three years as he draws simultaneous six-figure salaries from his sister's "Abstinence and Responsibility Foundation" and Fox News.

    He promises to "tell the truth that the biased media refuse to report" in his upcoming book, "Not Afraid to Scam."

    1. ndisang67

      He promises to "tell the truth that the biased media refuse to report" in his upcoming book, "Not Afraid to Scam."

      a better title would be "undefeated two"

  9. Sue4466

    So the Palins are as bad at math as we would all suspect. Or as phony. Not sure which it is.

      1. AJWjr.

        Why would anyone need to count further than 26, as in that's how many weeks until your unemployment benefits run out?

  10. baconzgood

    Did you know:

    That Garry Shandling's character from the movie "What Planet are You From" is loosely based on Track Palin?

    EDIT: I knew no one would get that….I think I was the only one who saw that movie.

      1. baconzgood

        For some reason I loved the Lary Sanders Show (Almost as much as MST3K and the Furniture Guys) and was pissed when it was cancelled.

        1. Steverino247

          The funniest episode was the one where his sidekick got the commercial gig for screwing the woman who was looking for talent. The last line of the show was: "That's great! Who did you have to fuck to get that part?"

  11. mumbly_joe

    Oh man, I just realized something:

    camping trip

    camping trip

    trip

    Kinda lends credence to the notion that the Snowbilly clan has a tradition of naming their spawn after the place where they're concieved, don't it?

    1. comptoneffect

      Dilute nothing, the Palin family genes are concentrated toxins. Actually the word you wanted was pollute as in: Quit polluting the godamned gene pool!

  12. Biel_ze_Bubba

    By the way, Kyla is pronounced "Killa".

    (You should see the cute rifle they gave her at the baby shower.)

    1. Fare la Volpe

      You can take the trash out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the trash.

  13. SorosBot

    "Congratulations", Kirsten? When someone gets stuck with a kid at 21, the right word is "condolences".

    Actually I feel like saying "my condolences" whenever someone is pregnant / gets someone pregnant, but bite my tongue.

    1. mumbly_joe

      What are you talking about? Young Britta Hanson is white, and married the son of a millionare who's not exactly bashful about inventing six-figure-salary jobs for her unemployable children.

      Children having children is only a tragedy/pathology of society/whatever when it's done by brown people, who are poor also too. Otherwise, it's just god-fearin' Christian folk being fruitful and multiplyin' like it sez to over there in the bibble.

        1. mumbly_joe

          One thing I learned growing up in a place that fucking SALON called "the land of limosine liberalism" is that if you're rich enough, and white enough, you can pay someone else to deal with them while they're in the larval stage.

          Whether you call such a person an "au pair" or a "nanny" depends on a number of factors, but essentially boils down to a cumulative measure of how white, how young and sexy, and how legally permitted to reside in the country they are.

          1. Mumbletypeg

            What I was thinking when I read Joe's post initially. Those familiar with the film Way of the Gun will remember how a certain videotape of a [..aagh - spoiler, I suppose] broke both Benicio and, whatever trophy-wife's name was, out of their respective internal firmaments, each quite memorably, if temporarily.

          2. mumbly_joe

            Yeah, surrogacy should have occurred to me as well. Truth is, though, I spent most weekends my immediate post-college years in the local dive bar trying to *ahem* get to know the local au pairs, so that's the culture I'm most familiar with.

          3. horsedreamer_1

            Back in late '03, I met my only two au paire (?) at Barnes n' Nobly at the mall. I still yearn for them.

          1. finallyhappy

            I sent one of mine to China but she came back- she was too old for child labor by then anyway

    2. GOPCrusher

      They're just doing their part to ensure that white people don't become the minorities of America. THEY'RE TAKING AMERICA BACK!

    3. PristinePantalones

      I don't. I know they'll be on the phone for the next 18 years crying about how they can't get a decent night's sleep any more through how the kid's drinking all their booze and selling all their drugs to its little pals.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      The judges also would have accepted, "How's that drily, humpy thing workin' out for ye?"

  14. tihond

    We're all going to regret joking about this when it turns out Kyla is a time traveler sent from the future to save us from ourselves.

    1. James Michael Curley

      And we learn that Kyla is Sarah Palin's mother and Kyla Palin means 'poluted stream' in a long lost Inuit dialect.

    2. coron4

      We're all going to regret joking about this when another Wonkette staffer goes down in flames.

  15. OC_Surf_Serf

    Six Months Early

    Time, being a scienceey thingy, does not apply to the Palin family.

    (even their '15 minutes' has lasted 3 fucking years)

    1. PubOption

      I'm trying to remember theoretical physics here. I recall that space-time would be warped around an object of infinite density (most Palins seem to approach this condition) but I think time would be dilated rather than compressed.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh come on, Barrelhse, you know the obvious answer…

      wait for it…

      All of them, Katie!

      *retreats to thunderous applause*

  16. MrDorkbutt

    $20 says Levi Johnston is the favor. That dude is always having his way with Palin family values.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Ah Ya beat me to it. What is it with these people? Is this a cult? Or are teevee commercials their only cultural references?

  17. JustPixelz

    I guess Britta's water broke early.

    Baby girl, 6lbs 4oz + the awful weight of granny grizzly Sarah Palin™ around her neck

    With God's grace, Kyla Grace will live into the 22nd century, about the time we've cleaned up the Tea Party and Repubican mess.

  18. DaRooster

    "What fleece should I wear Ma?"
    "The grey one."
    "But I wore the grey one to Grandpa's funeral."

  19. RocketNo9

    Yay now Track and Waterfilter can start poopin' out genetically twisted failurechildren and start building their own inbred cult like Gamma LouSarah!

    Their poison wombs are making Alaska too crowded.

  20. arihaya

    i'm surprissed that the baby isn't named based on the parents' names, like Brick (Brita and Track)

    1. NewtsChicknNeck

      you have no idea how close you are…it was going to be Brick until Ben Folds sent them notice that they'd be paying him royalties every time SP used the lil' one as a prop.

    2. flamingpdog

      Grandma can't string two words together that make any sense – why assume the kids could?

    3. elviouslyqueer

      Not if they've read "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" they won't.

      Oh wait, I'm assuming they've read something other than a box of mac and cheese. I MADE A FUNNY!

  21. NorthStarSpanx

    Whenever Sarah does release herself from whatever gag-order was issued regarding this new Palin offspring, I'm sure she'll gush about the biblical middle name and enunciate GRACE the way she enunciates HUSSEIN every chance she gets.

  22. James Michael Curley

    There are ghosts on this forum. The following seems stuck in my Post a new comment box, WTF? Now, when going up the NJ Turnpike and I see an Amber Alert sign, I'll know what to do …

  23. fuflans

    i'm not going to snark here as:

    1. the palins really are irrelevancies at this point
    2. i kinda hope that military son and pregnant gal turn into boring normal people.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      Will only happen if they move far away, to somewhere where the name "Palin" doesn't carry the Stench of the Grift(TM) about it….Tierra del Fuego, maybe?

      1. jus_wonderin

        Terra del Fuego? And Track was hiking her trail.

        Isn't that what got Britta into this mess?

  24. DemonicRage

    If you are going to subject us to any news updates about the Snowbunny Grifter clan, could we have a summer repeat of exactly how many pair of silk boxers for Todd were charged at Saks Fifth Ave and billed to the Republican National Party…also what size they were. Makes it easier to visualize the First Dude in his lounge hours.

  25. Thurman Munster IV

    Shit, the way these folks procreate my permanent fund dividend will be down to a buck-40 before long

  26. Buckminster

    Lovely. These mental midgets breed like fruit flies and now it doesn't even take 9 months for them to pop out a kid? Sheesh! I shudder at this verkatke world.

  27. Chet Kincaid

    OT Scum Alert: Our old friend Spanky Breivik is back in action with a new ID account called "DOW has Barrybarry." Look for him to be spreading his fungus on your recent visitors list!

        1. jus_wonderin

          I did ask him why he follows me as I have nothing of importance to say/add. His reply was some nonsense about everybody has something to teach him. Yeah, right. If anything from reading my posts he should have learned that changing a screenname so often is schizophrenic.

        2. glamourdammerung

          All I did was ask him what the point of trolling a website for hours and hours every single day was. I guess I must have really hurt his fragile widdle feelings.

    1. mumbly_joe

      When he named SEAL Team 6 for getting OBL, Obama told terrorists around the world whom to attack.

      Sooo… troll's an idiot, in other words?

      Wait, how is that even a question.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        His dedication to mindless talking points is breathtaking. I hope our vaunted national security apparatus of anal-probe invasiveness is keeping his ass away from firearms.

        1. mumbly_joe

          I'm just flabbergasted that someone so obsessed with The Terrorists would fail to understand how "Seal Team Six" is an uninformative handle that gives zero information about the covert team that is "on call" and assembled on an ad hoc basis when needed, let alone the identities of the people that make up the team, which are protected precisely for OpSec reasons.

          I mean, I honestly shouldn't be all that surprised that right-wing war cheerleaders don't understand how military intelligence works nearly as much as li'l ol' left-wing peacenik libtard me, given how the years between 2001-2008 unfolded, but still. You'd think they'd understand the difference between outing a CIA operative with NOC status and saying "this is a thing which we call the team that did this op, here's NO MORE INFORMATION about who they are, where they're based, or how they operate".

      2. Steverino247

        No shit? Like the bad guys don't know we have SEAL's, rangers, Green Berets and Delta operators to chase them with. You would think that Black Hawk Down would have been a fucking clue…

      3. glamourdammerung

        I thought that was so terrorists would kill Breitards and Red Staters. Since they are the only ones I see claiming to be members of SEAL Team 6, ninjas, etc.

    2. user-of-owls

      He's been pretty much emasculated (I know, redundant) since the down thumb was amputated, no?

      1. Rotundo_

        Not from what I see: I would prefer that he had to work to see what I had to say, but I can't imagine him getting a whole lot from the experience. If he thinks we're good for oppo research for the "patriots" we aren't exactly exceptional in terms of our viewpoints etc. It isn't like he's doing some sort of "intel" work observing us, unless it's in his happy little conservative world. Although that could be it, maybe he is divorced sufficiently from reality to think he is reporting all this to Breitbart's legions so they can "track" us and our "unAmurkan" activities. I'm thinking Andy is more interested in getting pissed up and passing out.

    1. DahBoner

      "How long will that premie have to stay under the heat lamp?????"

      In order to get a fresh baby, that hasn't been sitting under a heat lamp for too long, you need to special order one.

      Like with three arms or something….

    1. GOPCrusher

      Isn't this more a triumph of America's Best In The World Health Care System that people from those countries that have nationalized care can only dream of?

    2. Rotundo_

      I'm wondering if the Palin clan has devolved back to marsupial so the kid attaches to mom like a baby 'roo and stuff.

  28. user-of-owls

    Any bets on which of the breeder-reactionary candidates' families is going to grab for the obvious and name their next ex-fetus "Job Creator?"

    It does have an Old Testament vibe, after all.

      1. PristinePantalones

        Yeah, but look what he did to *Job.*

        I mean, really, you're better off not being friends with a guy like that.

  29. franco_pinyon

    Good Grief!!! These people are like a case of psoriasis. Not only are they impossible to get rid of but they tend to spread.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Soon, they will be able to charge a small fee for visitors to view the "Palin's Ascend from the Cave" every evening at dusk.

  30. Mort_Sinclair

    Twenty bucks says the kid is the product of another one of Sarah Palin's invisible pregnancies.

  31. bflrtsplk

    Zamboni has four – er three – syllables, far too complex for this bunch. So, for the next one, here's one vote for Puck.

  32. user-of-owls

    And this overgrown embryo is damn well gonna testify before an Ohio legislative committee, unlike those spineless lumps that wussed out back in March!

  33. jus_wonderin

    OT: But, I invented a time machine to take us all back to the time when we didn't know the name, Palin. Then, we form a queue and bitch slap Walnuts and then we return to August 9, 2011. Though, I do want to stop off in April of '09 to put some more money in the markets.

    The line starts over there near the file cabinet. Sign the clipboard. Bring a lunch.

  34. ndisang67

    "Her daughter Britta, 21, …..Track Palin, 22…"

    looks like they never made college?
    do the Palins have something against college?

  35. jakegittes

    They could have named her "Twitta." An acknowledgment of the mother's contribution, a tip o' the hat to Gramma's favorite mode of communication, with just a hint at the IQ level of Palin family members as a group.

  36. Neoyorquino

    We're witnessing an historical moment here folks, for the history books of the future will note that Kyla Grace is the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother of President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. Too bad no one will know how to read them.

  37. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, at the rate they are breading, Palins will soon come to dominate the Alaska Wilderness.

    Maybe we should allow hunting from helicopters?

    1. DahBoner

      Thinning the herds before winter prevents unnecessary winter kill due to harsh weather and decreased food levels.

    2. flamingpdog

      I hear the Palins are lot tastier when they're breaded. I wanna be the one to throw them in the pot of bubbling Crisco.

  38. Neilist_Returns

    You Liberal Communist Pinko SKUM have no idea of the needs and requirements of "frontier living."

    Imagine that it has been a hard winter,and you have nothing in the larder. A staving neighboring frontiersMAN shows up on your doorstep, and you have NO BACON OR SAUSAGE to go with those groatcakes smothered in 30 Weight, the Traditional Meal Of Hospitality in the Great Frozen North.

    What's a host to do?

    But then, your eye falls on crawling little Kyla . . . .

    Neilist
    Upstairs, Helping The Servants Make The Beds Again

    P.S. Ted Nugent likes his hickory smoked.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Well, if we can get the poors to that instead of buying groceries, they can afford their medicine.

      It's a blessing!

    2. PristinePantalones

      Ted Nugent will just have to smoke his own, then. I don't believe there's anyone but pasty RWNJs who would offer to do that for him.

  39. Redhead

    Well, meth-babies DO tend to be born prematurely…

    But if they had any sense, Britta and TrackityTripperRoo would have named the baby Ret@rd – that way, under Sarah's own rules, Sarah would not be able to publicly say that baby's name or use that poor baby in any of her "campaign speeches"/desperate scrambles for attention and money.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Since neither adult of this charming family posseses a job, an education, or anything resembling marketing skills, they're best off letting Mama Grifty do her thang to keep them in swill.

  40. Nixon_So_Fine

    What's that German word for how this makes me feel?…emm…Oh right…"UPFISTS FOR EVERYONE!"

  41. JustPixelz

    The baby is a Palin, so must have been born pregnant or something. Sarah Palin™ will be a great-grand-mother* by this time next year.
    _________________________
    * by custom only. she is neither "great" nor "grand" nor — it's plain to see — much of a "mother". Where is her youngest cub these days?

  42. lochnessmonster

    Maybe the blushing brides parents aren't as crazy as th Palin clan and taught her better OR maybe she graduated HS???

  43. Rotundo_

    I'm just so happy that they gave the kid a nice normal name. I'm thinking that mom might be a bit more together than the Palin side of the equation. So long as the little one doesn't become a prop for Grandmama, she stands a fair chance of having as normal a life as anyone up in that permafrost encrusted hellhole can have. Good luck Kyla, many people have pathological grannies, try to avoid yours…

  44. ttommyunger

    I say cut the kids some slack. The first one can come any time, the ones after that take nine months. Oh, and stand by for Rick Perry's double announcement: his candidacy and naming the Snowbilly Grifter as his running mate. I've been preaching this ever since I spotted them eye-fucking each other at Grampa Walnut's Campaign Events.

  45. Negropolis

    I, for one, was hoping that they would name it "Trapp" if it was a boy, and "Trixx" or "Clapp" if it was a girl.

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