FLOTUS FILES  12:18 pm August 8, 2011

Glenn Beck Does Not Like Michelle Obama’s Biracial Spider-Man

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...There is plenty of Insanity happening out there already to support the idea that maybe this country is getting close to arriving at the End Times, but just in case anyone was still holding onto some “Hope,” last week we received absolute confirmation that everything will be horrible forever, and Barack Obama will continue to punish everyone with Sharia law for years and years after he wins the future with his favorite campaign song, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, Screw you people.” This confirmation has nothing to do with the debt ceiling or America’s credit rating or Barack Obama’s alleged 50th birthday. No, it is actually this: Last week, in a comic book, the Ultimate Spider-Man took off his mask and revealed that he is some sort of biracial teenager. Oh, and that is not the scariest part! The real horror is that Michelle Obama has been planning this comic book race war all along, and her health food thing was merely a distraction. How could we have been so blind?

The person who used to wear the Spider-Man costume was Peter Parker, a nice white boy with an honest, American name. This new Spider-Man is named Miles Morales, and is taking over the job (sort of?) of Spider-Man because Peter Parker was supposedly killed by the Green Goblin, but probably Miles Morales is just another black Mexican gang member, stealing all the super hero jobs from the white people who really need them. Weepy cartoon villain Glenn Beck is here to explain that this is not Marvel’s fault, and it’s not even the Green Goblin’s fault, actually. This was all Michelle Obama’s doing, because of her comic book agenda.

So now that our FLOTUS has added “Super Hero Universe” to her list of things she controls, along with Wal-Mart and McDonalds, Spider-Man will probably just fight the Obese Ogre or the Cholesterol Monsters now, in Spanish. [Media Matters for America]

 
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{ 188 comments }

Madfall August 8, 2011 at 11:59 am

Black people being heroes? What kind of example will that set for Beck's children!

RocketNo9 August 8, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Nobody tell Glennduh about when all-Murrican superhero Superman died and that black guy Steel had the gall to step in! Or that The Thing is Jewish. Or that Batwoman is a lesbian. Or that Ultimate Marvel sucks a million balls from depowered mutants. DC forever! Until the upcoming reboot. Then meh.

Barb August 8, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I'm surprised that Glenn doesn't suggest Miles Morales was bitten by a radioactive spider while working at a KFC/Taco Bell combo restaurant.

nounverb911 August 8, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I’m sure that Spider-man feels the same way about Beck.

nounverb911 August 8, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Gle2n’s magic underwear seem to be on too tight again.

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 12:34 pm

And someone needs to remind him that it doesn't go on his head.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Cutting off the blood supply to his brain.

PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:08 pm

He has one?

x111e7thst August 8, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Glenda thinks that people called Morales should do yard work if old or ugly and be "cabana boys" if young and cute,

CZL August 8, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I refuse to believe this is real. No one is that dumb. No one.

guangho August 8, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I read your comment and laughed. Then I looked around me and cried.

DoktorThompson August 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm

As someone who has lived in Texas I can tell you without reservation: people are that dumb.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Jon Stewart did a nice number on Faux News wingtard/blowhard Lou Dobbs, who was equally bent out of shape. Very funny:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/thu-aug

Barb August 8, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Glenn will submit a happy ending to the story where the Green Card Goblin kills this one quickly.

Beowoof August 8, 2011 at 12:23 pm

A Puerto Rican black guy with super powers, I can imagine this as Glenn Beck's worst nightmare.

horsedreamer_1 August 8, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm

A Hispanic who can climb walls!! OMG!!!!!!!

DaRooster August 8, 2011 at 3:57 pm

And he keeps climbing back up the drain when you pull the plug.

DashboardBuddha August 8, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Not listening…not listening…not listening. Ooooh, look, a woman with a hand drill up her nose!

x111e7thst August 8, 2011 at 12:23 pm

OT but I just now replaced both the solenoid and the starter switch on my old 8N only to find that the problem was a mouse-chewed wire. Now I don't know whether to kick the dog, beat the neighbor with a stick or just roll around on the floor snapping at the manacles of passersby.

Callyson August 8, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Kick Glenn Beck, beat Rushbo, and just roll around on the floor snapping at the teapartiers of yesterday
/fixed

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Time to upgrade to a Jubilee?

widestanceroman August 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I feel your pain. Back in landline days, I had the phone company visit my home only to tell/show me that a pet cockatoo had chewed the cord. I had to kill the man and hide hide the body to save face.

Chet Kincaid August 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Oh, I saw the profile on you in "Tractor Fancy Magazine"!!

An_Outhouse August 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Same happened to me but it was a WD45, a real tractor.

102415 August 8, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Haha, last April the rats on 3rd St. had a litter in the engine compartment of my Mini Cooper. We took it in to get serviced and the mechanics shit bricks when they opened the hood and we had to pay much money to replace all the wires and stuff chewed up. Yes, we moved the car every few days. Yes, they just rode around with us from one parking space to another. Yes, the mechanic took a picture. No, you can't see it. Not after we all had to look at that Bachmann picture.
edited- and the Hahn picture.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 5:16 am

Where do you live, that passersby wear manacles?

x111e7thst August 9, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Either I live in an S&M fantasy or I can't spell ankles. I'm not sure which.

freakishlywrong August 8, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Wait. What? How did the new Spiderman get tangled up with Michelle Obama?

elviouslyqueer August 8, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Oh geez, don't make me get out my chalkboard.

Polythene_Pam August 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm

You see, she once mentioned a conversation that she'd had with her husband about the way that the world is always changing & how interesting it is to be a part of it all.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Their alternative universes must intersect somewhere, somewhen.

littlebigdaddy August 8, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Beck would be totes cool with it if it was the superhero Cucarachaman, but everyone knows that spiders are Murcan. Right?

Lascauxcaveman August 8, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Comic books seem to have gotten extra shitty in the last couple years. Yeah, better stick with the vegetable farming, 'Chelle.

finallyhappy August 8, 2011 at 6:00 pm

I thought they were called graphic novels now- or do cheap comic books stilll exist? I don't know but then again I don't really care.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 8, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Not gonna click on that clicky-thing. Wouldn't be prudent. Beck's off the teevee now and no one has to admit his existence anymore. On the radio he carries no more cultural impact than, say, Tom Leykis, the poor man's Howard Stern.

Beowoof August 8, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Tom Likass is he still on the air? Just the thought encourages to continue to pay for satellite radio, where at least the stand up comedy channel is rational. (Note this doesn't apply to the blue collar channel with all the Larry the Cable Guy they play).

Mumbletypeg August 8, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Peter Parker was supposedly killed by the Green Goblin

You know who else generated a storm of confusion and controversy over rumors of their demise…?

Beowoof August 8, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Hitler. Saw something yesterday on top ten moon hoaxes that the Nazi's had built a Moon base where Hitler lived out days.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 8, 2011 at 12:32 pm

You mean Paul isn't dead?
~

DaRooster August 8, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Elvis?

Callyson August 8, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Elvis?

SexySmurf August 8, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Jeff Goldblum?

donner_froh August 8, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Amelia Earhart?

Polythene_Pam August 8, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Mark Twain?

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Tupac?

nounverb911 August 8, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Ronald Reagan?

BarackMyWorld August 8, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Captain America?

nappyduggs August 8, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Didn't Jesus try that shit back in the day?

Radiotherapy® August 8, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I thought it was another one of his parlor tricks.

TanzbodenKoenig August 8, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Caylee Anthony?

jus_wonderin August 8, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Locutus of Borg?

BornInATrailer August 8, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Andy Kaufman?

widestanceroman August 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Newt?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Newt's campaign, actually.

Guppy06 August 8, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Ben Parker?

Radiotherapy® August 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm

This guy?

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 1:33 pm

John McCain

Radiotherapy® August 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

The Republican Party?

DoktorThompson August 8, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Bob Dole's erection?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

J.R. Ewing

PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Wait, wait, I know this. Um … Jesus Christ?

Well, shit, someone else said that already, so let me try again. Diamond Jim?

mumbly_joe August 8, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Rasputin?

ShaveTheWhales August 9, 2011 at 3:49 am

Ken Layne, obvs.

Where is owls?

gullywompr August 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm

This country still has browns? Lou Dobbs has really dropped the ball.

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I got to sit in the left turn lane this morning behind a car that had a "STOP ABORTION" bumper sticker on one side and a "STOP SOCIALISM" bumper sticker (w/pic of Hopey, natch). There was also some kind of sticker that almost looked like a fetus, but I did not want to get close enough to find out.

Kind of off topic, but really, that's where my day is at.

freakishlywrong August 8, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Makes me want a big, heavy Jeep. And no conscience.

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 12:36 pm

ha ha ha – I was in a Jeep Patriot driven by my husband (we're hippies so we pool it to work).

unfortunately the conscience was also on board

freakishlywrong August 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Damn conscience of a liberal.

JustPixelz August 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Can we make one that says "Stop the Tea Party!" and another that says "Tea Party Policies Kill (America)"

Redhead August 8, 2011 at 3:06 pm

How about "Tea Party Policies Kill (real people when the people who listen to the Tea Party tv and radio shows and read the Tea Party books actually follow the "advice" and violent gun rhetoric in them and start shooting people and cops and fricking kids and flying planes into buildings)"

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Bit much for a bumper sticker … you got a camper?

EatsBabyDingos August 8, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Glenn Beck is still alive? Didn't Rick Perry drive EEEEvil from Bikini Bottom?

PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Whose bikini bottom?

DaRooster August 8, 2011 at 12:28 pm

That's it! I thought she looked like Stan Lee!

vulpes82 August 8, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Truly she is history's greatest monster.

LettucePrey August 8, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Mrs. FLOTUS stole all of her black rage from Hooper X in Chasing Amy.

horsedreamer_1 August 8, 2011 at 3:04 pm

What's a Nubian?

mavenmaven August 8, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Glenn Beck is just jealous that he doesn't have a comic book character based on him.

archikvetch August 8, 2011 at 12:44 pm

I thought he was Sluggo from Lil' Lulu

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Bluto from Popeye seems closer to the mark.

Papa_Uniform August 8, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Glenn just can't seem to resist adding to that stinking steaming heap of shit that he is.

ManchuCandidate August 8, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Crying Man, Crying Man
Does whatever a cry baby can
Spins a lie, any size,
Use chalk to fill out lies
Look Out!
Here comes the Crying Man.

Is he strong?
Listen bud,
He's got a big ass chicken heart.
Can he draw on a board
And yells that Spiderman's dead
Hey, there
There rants the Crying Man

On the radio, he'll talk
'Bout a make believe crime
With a smear of chalk
He cries just in time.

Crying Man, Crying Man
Crazy ass brown baiting Crying Man
Wealth and fame
He's engorged
Fascism is his reward.

To him, life is a great big chalkboard
Whenever a con's got a hang up
You'll find the Crying man.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:43 pm

He uses the chalkboard on his radio show? I'm only mildly surprised.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 8, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Great. Even Spider Man has been replaced by cheaper Hispanic labor. Just another case of Social Justice. Glenn is smart to point out how Michelle Obama and the Socialist are moving in to replace the white man and repress him!

JustPixelz August 8, 2011 at 12:33 pm

"…Miles Morales is taking over the job of Spider-Man …"

I call bullshit. A black/hispanic teenager who found a job? Come'on.

Fare la Volpe August 8, 2011 at 1:19 pm

He's not getting paid for it.

DoktorThompson August 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Not on the official payroll, at least.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:46 pm

It's the mask … saves him from having to show his papers in Ultimate Arizona.

SaintRond August 8, 2011 at 12:37 pm

This is nearly as bad as when I realized Rape Man was Japanese.

cheetojeebus August 8, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I'm still reeling that Gale Boetticher was a paultard ?! now your telling me Michelle is responsible for Spiderman?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wugY6HNLOCo

elviouslyqueer August 8, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I stopped listening after Becky the Expository Horse's Ass started screeching "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care!"

Finally, Becky's given me something she and I can agree on.

ProudLibunatic August 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Dearest Elvis,
I heart you, but PLEASE don't make him one of ours, (a vagina-haver), and I won't make him one of yours, (fabulous!).

I love the Expository Horse's Ass part!

Gleem_McShineys August 8, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Don't fight!!

Beck is a hermaphrodite.

Weenus299 August 8, 2011 at 12:42 pm

This is bad news for Hummingbird Man, Butterfly Man, Stapler Man, Octagonal-Sign Man, Cubicle Man, Door-Closing Man, Staring-At-Bookshelves Man. … I don't know how this development could be bad news, but there must be something to it if Monseur Glen Beck is on it.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Is it bad news or good for 21st Century Schizoid Man?

johnnyzhivago August 8, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Wait till he hears that Spongebob and Patrick announced they're engaged!

Sue4466 August 8, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Give Glenn a break, he's tortured trying to figure out which he hates more, that Miles Morales is black or that he's Mexican? Pick Glenn, pick!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

What's really torture is that Beck can't figure out if Morales is gay.

Sue4466 August 8, 2011 at 3:53 pm

You win.

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Glenn doesn't even realize that there already was a biracial alternate universe Spider-Man in Miguel O'Hara, the Mexican-Irish Spider-Man 2099; and he doesn't even seem to understand that this is Ultimate Spider-Man, not the Spider-Man of the mainstream Earth-616 Marvel Universe. He doesn't know what he's talking about, as usual.

Boojum_Reborn August 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Nerd points. Massive, gargantuan nerd points.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 8, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I think we have our winner for Geek of the Day!

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 1:59 pm

When it comes to the likes of comic books, Buffy or Lord of the Rings I can out-geek all but the true hardcore nerds.

finallyhappy August 8, 2011 at 6:03 pm

ok, but have you been to Dragon Con?

Fare la Volpe August 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I'm amazed he didn't blow a gasket over the fact that Batman's son (the new Robin) is half-Arab.

mumbly_joe August 8, 2011 at 2:19 pm

What's interesting is that Beck, and other wingnuts, *did* blow a gasket over the new Batman, Inc arc (wherein the returned Batman has decided to do something marginally approaching practical to fight crime and use Wanye Entermprises' vast wealth and influence to back multiple Batmen across the globe), because the French Batman was a French Arab and Muslim.

Never mind that there were three white Batman's (Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, and Cyril whatshismane the British Batman) running around at the time.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Wait … Bruce Wayne went and franchised his crimefighting business?

mumbly_joe August 8, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Yup. Again, it makes a lot more sense than spending billions of dollars on being one guy, fighting crime. I mean, there's even more reasonable things, but then we wouldn't have Batman at all.

The arc isn't completley without warts, though. Namely in the form of the African Batman. Which is to say, there is one Batman. For Africa.

mumbly_joe August 8, 2011 at 1:26 pm

What Boojum said.

Ta-Nehisi Coates over at Atlantic is also a huge comic book nerd, and this has come up in conversation every so often over there. The Spiderman narrative in particular kinda of particularly relevant to lower-middle class urbans, since he's one of the few superheroes who's stuck trying to balance keeping down a crummy job and paying bills with family obligations while also doing the superhero thing, in New York. If you're going to make any superhero's substitute mixed-race or a minority, kinda the obvious choice.

MozakiBlocks August 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I have no idea what you're talking about.

johnnyzhivago August 8, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Back in the day, people caught mumbling this kind of bullshit were usually dragged out of the subway station they were living in and thrown in the nut house. I guess in a way Beck is a beneficiary of cutbacks in government programs to keep the insane off the street.

SexySmurf August 8, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Glenn Beck actually went to see that Spider-man musical and liked it. And that is all I have to say on this topic.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Funny, that these Republican Elitists have to live in New York City.

Why don't they move to some small town in the midwest and go see the local community theater version of Guys and Dolls????

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Nobody remembered to dump wine on his wife? Damn.

a_pink_poodle August 8, 2011 at 12:49 pm

How dare a half-black, half-Mexican, gay man be a good guy?!

Oblios_Cap August 8, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Send <a href ="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarantula_(Marvel_Comics)">The Tarantula to finish that alliterative alter-ego off!

BarackMyWorld August 8, 2011 at 1:09 pm

And then he can come back and close your html tag for you.

Oblios_Cap August 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Sometimes that damn things work as advertised, sometimes not.

archikvetch August 8, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Glen? Luca Libre? Oh, yes!
Que ondas, puta?

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Glen Beck is a Puto.

Buckminster August 8, 2011 at 12:50 pm

The stock market is tanking, the U.S. credit rating has been downgraded and the misery index is the highest it's been since 1983. Way to focus on the important stuff, Glenn.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 1:21 pm

And since Reagan, only the Rich are getting richer.

Did Glenn mention that to his working class listeners?

Native_of_SL_UT August 8, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Some of my best friends are spidermen.

Geminisunmars August 8, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Some of my best friends are the spidermen.

-fixt

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Some of my best friends are spiders.

north_of_moscow August 8, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Don't worry, the new Fantastic Four is going to be Mitt Romney (stretchy and distinguished), Michelle Bachman ("If I close my eyes, you can't see me!" Also, useless), Rick Santorum (the fire guy) and Newt Gingrich (made of rocks). They're going to travel the world in a jet and save tax loopholes for rich folks.

mavenmaven August 8, 2011 at 1:05 pm

It was high time they had a character who could spew flames from his ass.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 1:07 pm

"They're going to travel the world in a jet"

Powered by biofuel made from aborted fetuses?

PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Well, that's one way of making sure we get a little use out of them.

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Hell, I bet old Glenn was pissed (or would have been had he heard of it) when Mr. Fantastic and The Invisible Woman took a leave of absence and were replaced by The Black Panther and Storm. At that was while Marvel had a black guy writing the book, as well.

baconzgood August 8, 2011 at 12:52 pm

This is why I'm A D.C. Comics man. Marvel is ruining our country.

BarackMyWorld August 8, 2011 at 1:07 pm

DC just rebooted all of America back to issue #1.

simplyblue7 August 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Glenn Beck just wants everything to be how it was in the 50s: white super heroes and you know, segregation and jim crow laws.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

"Whites Only" superheros.

Because blacks got their own, like Amos and Andy

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm
PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:38 pm

You sure that's Glen? 'Cause it looks an awful lot like Rushbo.

HobbesEvilTwin August 8, 2011 at 12:58 pm

speaking of crazy eyes ….

Boojum_Reborn August 8, 2011 at 12:59 pm

So, does this mean Beck is not a fan of The Ambiguously Gay Duo?

BarackMyWorld August 8, 2011 at 1:05 pm

And while were on the subject…WTF is up with Andrew Garfield's hair???

Chet Kincaid August 8, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Why in the fuck are they rebooting this shit, and Superman, again!? At this rate, trash culture movies will be spontaneously rebooting between the 3rd and 4th reels!!

ProudLibunatic August 8, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I know, right?
Just because you can "pouf" up your hair, doesn't mean you should!

Arken August 8, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Nerd++ time:

Spider-man 2099 was a biracial Latino/Irish kid named Miguel O'Hara.

Also he was awesome.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 1:06 pm

"Last week, in a comic book, the Ultimate Spider-Man took off his mask and revealed that he is some sort of biracial teenager. "

Sen. John McCain: "You have to respond to the will of the people"

Hell, that's nothing! Just this week, McCain proves that his head is so far up the Koch brother's ass, we'll just call him a Koch butt plug and make a day out of it….

ArmoredLibunatic August 8, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Mr. Beck, would you kindly batten your Oxycontin chute with all due haste?

Goonemeritus August 8, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Wait until Glen finds out that the new Spiderman is still slipping it to Mary Jane.

DerrickWildcat August 8, 2011 at 1:11 pm

My big Brother says that Spider-Man isn't a real person.

fuflans August 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm

the decider will take care of this.

Pres.Beeblebrox August 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Jeez. What would he say about the Superfriends adding Black Vulcan, Apache Chief, and Samurai back in the late 70's?

scionkirk August 8, 2011 at 1:18 pm

oh man, just wait until he finds out that the new Wonder Woman is a Black Muslim handicapped lesbian single mother on welfare who speaks French.

mumbly_joe August 8, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Wait, so black Spiderman (who incidentally is part of the Ultimates universe and thus exists out of continuity with the comic's cannon- wow, Beck really does get mad whenever The Blacks get anything!) is completely Michelle Obama's fault?

Weird, because I was pretty sure it was because of Donald Glover.

But seriously, Glenn Beck is mad because the substitute Spiderman in a non-cannon alternate universe series invented for the sole purpose of fucking around, is black. I can only assume he raeged similarly when he found out that Ultimate Nick Fury was modeled after Samuel L Jackson, who also is black.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Umm…. who's president of the U.S. in the Ultimate universe? Maybe Glenn is, like, imagining this problem.

Guppy06 August 8, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Well, it's not like Aunt May is going to get any fucking Medicare!

mormos August 8, 2011 at 1:24 pm

it's ultimates spiderman so no one actually cares. the best thing ultimates did was give us a black nick fury (who was modeled after Sam Jackson, who now poignantly plays the character in film). But Miles’ spiderman costume is pretty awesome looking.

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 2:07 pm

It also gave us an Asian Wasp, which also helped make the Ultimates less lily-white than the early Avengers. But then they had The Blob eat her; damn Ultimatum was shit.

MiniMencken August 8, 2011 at 1:25 pm

This is the sort of thing that gives free association party games a bad name.

KeepFnThatChicken August 8, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Crow T. Robot said it best: "There's no tradition like a new tradition!"

and all of this complaint from a dude who's worshipping a new Jesus.

An_Outhouse August 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

"some sort of biracial teenager"
First they allow the gays to marry and now this.

Gleem_McShineys August 8, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I know! Mormons masturbating on air is THE LAST STRAW!

vulpes82 August 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I think this thread has proven conclusively that we're all gigantic NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!

CalamityJames August 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Glen Beck hates black cartoon characters, Michelle Bachmann has crazy eyes, and Jeebus hates amerikkka.

Do you get the feeling that the wonkett isn't even trying anymore?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Try as we might, it's getting very hard to satirize the teabaggers… it's like trying to come up with a spoof of Monty Python.

PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

It's the reason Tom Lehrer stopped performing, in the end — reality was becoming too painfully like his satire of it.

Serolf_Divad August 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

It wasn't the Green Goblin killed Spiderman, it was the Black Goblin!!! (AKA: Michelle Obama)

When Charles Manson carried out his murderous spree, the guy was trying to start a race war. Nice to see the GOP and its allies have chosen ssuch an upstanding Role Model. (Also, Manson though he was Jesus Christ… like Rick Perry.)

Radiotherapy® August 8, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I like the way he prefaces his bigotry: "I don't care if he's black, or if he's hispanic, or half hispanic or half gay,I don't care, I DON'T care, however…." If you don't care, then why are you belaboring a point about a fucking cartoon character?
At least he didn't call him a tar baby.

KeepFnThatChicken August 8, 2011 at 2:04 pm

It is funny to see that some of racist America has done a goddamn top notch job of acting more responsibly and self-policing even the slightest fuckups with a brother in the house.

I mean, even last week the dude didn't call Obama a tar baby — but he was recanting like a motherfucker once he done it.

"Jesus, I am so sorry about that. I mean I know our hearts are black sometim–
"FUCK, that slipped out. Fuck! I just want people to know we really want to do better, and keep an alert vigil from the porch —
"Shit! Shit! Shit! Um, I mean, we want to be aggressive on our non-racist tone, and we need help to throw the spear for—
"Goddammit! Uh, uh, uh, we just want to have that same exuberance you people have in chur–"

"Oh, fuck it. 'N****r.'"

Angry_Marmot August 8, 2011 at 2:10 pm

2012 should be a Cakewalk.

PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I know I'm dyslexic to some extent, but every now and then, life really brings it home to me. I read your last sentence and wondered why anyone would call Glenn Beck a "bar-tabby."

Wuh?

L188188 August 8, 2011 at 1:57 pm

"I don't care! I don't care! However…" Imbecile. How did this guy ever get beyond hosting the "Morning Zoo"?

PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I'm still trying to work that out.

Come here a minute August 8, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Mr. Beck was hoping the new Spider-Man would be named Glenn Galt and have a racial makeup of half Mormon and all crazy.

DemonicRage August 8, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Next week, "Little Lulu" comes back in another alternate universe special issue, as "Little Precious."

BarackMyWorld August 8, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Just wait until Glenn finds out who is playing Perry White in the next Superman….

MLHencken August 8, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I imagine Beck is not a fan of Luke Cage. Or Black Falcon. Or the Black Green Lantern.

terriblyfamous August 8, 2011 at 2:10 pm

I'll bet Beck is mostly pissed because MJ is still a white lady.

PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:49 pm

With HUGE … uh, yeah.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall
"WASHINGTON—Urging the 14 million Americans without jobs not to get their hopes up, officials from the Department of Labor cau≠tiously announced Tuesday that they had heard about a possible employment opportunity at the Lindale Mall in Cedar Rapids…"

This is disgusting!

Everyone in Cedar Rapids knows that Lindale Mall is NOT a strip mall.

It's got ferns, fountains and a food court!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 5:10 am

I'm more interested in why Job is stuck in Iowa … hasn't he suffered enough already?

proudgrampa August 8, 2011 at 2:18 pm

What?

smitallica August 8, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Wait till he finds out that Spiderman is actually a Jewish last name.

deanbooth August 8, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Oh what a tangled web we weave….

BornInATrailer August 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Because In Living Color's Muchacho Rocketeer is just a little too perfect for this.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4995/in-living-color-ro

miked420 August 8, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Okay, so what Glenn is really saying is that he doesn't care if the new spiderman is black, hispanic, or gay…… but there's no way he's gonna sit by and allow the new position of spiderman be assumed by a black, hispanic, homosexual, or a poor for that matter. Brilliant. I bet Glenn and Stu have tons of Black friends.

Camaro Nova August 8, 2011 at 5:16 pm

What would Glen think of my new film, "The League of XXXtraordinary Wingtards" which would consist of a team of influential 20th century figures who've captured the imagination of Murika. Ayn Rand (the ideologue), Augusto Pinochet (gets the answers), Werner von Braun (makes the gadgets), Pat Robertson (super strength), and Ronnie Reagan (PR). They are financed by the Koch brothers but only speak to him via telephone, like "Charlie" from "Charlie's Angels."

Biel_ze_Bubba August 9, 2011 at 5:12 am

Are they XXXL wingtards, or is this going to be a low-budget porno?

Negropolis August 8, 2011 at 11:44 pm

You could not pay me to listen to that clip. So, I won't.

A black Mexican!? Hell, they didn't just go black and then refused to come back, they went all the way south of the border!

ttommyunger August 9, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Glenn who?

PristinePantalones August 8, 2011 at 4:34 pm

The WHOLE COUNTRY???

ZOMG. Quick, someone send them a letter.

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