flotus files

Glenn Beck Does Not Like Michelle Obama’s Biracial Spider-Man

That's MRS. Flotus to you...There is plenty of Insanity happening out there already to support the idea that maybe this country is getting close to arriving at the End Times, but just in case anyone was still holding onto some “Hope,” last week we received absolute confirmation that everything will be horrible forever, and Barack Obama will continue to punish everyone with Sharia law for years and years after he wins the future with his favorite campaign song, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, Screw you people.” This confirmation has nothing to do with the debt ceiling or America’s credit rating or Barack Obama’s alleged 50th birthday. No, it is actually this: Last week, in a comic book, the Ultimate Spider-Man took off his mask and revealed that he is some sort of biracial teenager. Oh, and that is not the scariest part! The real horror is that Michelle Obama has been planning this comic book race war all along, and her health food thing was merely a distraction. How could we have been so blind?

The person who used to wear the Spider-Man costume was Peter Parker, a nice white boy with an honest, American name. This new Spider-Man is named Miles Morales, and is taking over the job (sort of?) of Spider-Man because Peter Parker was supposedly killed by the Green Goblin, but probably Miles Morales is just another black Mexican gang member, stealing all the super hero jobs from the white people who really need them. Weepy cartoon villain Glenn Beck is here to explain that this is not Marvel’s fault, and it’s not even the Green Goblin’s fault, actually. This was all Michelle Obama’s doing, because of her comic book agenda.

So now that our FLOTUS has added “Super Hero Universe” to her list of things she controls, along with Wal-Mart and McDonalds, Spider-Man will probably just fight the Obese Ogre or the Cholesterol Monsters now, in Spanish. [Media Matters for America]

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About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

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188 comments

    1. RocketNo9

      Nobody tell Glennduh about when all-Murrican superhero Superman died and that black guy Steel had the gall to step in! Or that The Thing is Jewish. Or that Batwoman is a lesbian. Or that Ultimate Marvel sucks a million balls from depowered mutants. DC forever! Until the upcoming reboot. Then meh.

  1. Barb

    I'm surprised that Glenn doesn't suggest Miles Morales was bitten by a radioactive spider while working at a KFC/Taco Bell combo restaurant.

  2. x111e7thst

    Glenda thinks that people called Morales should do yard work if old or ugly and be "cabana boys" if young and cute,

    1. DoktorThompson

      As someone who has lived in Texas I can tell you without reservation: people are that dumb.

  3. Barb

    Glenn will submit a happy ending to the story where the Green Card Goblin kills this one quickly.

  4. Beowoof

    A Puerto Rican black guy with super powers, I can imagine this as Glenn Beck's worst nightmare.

  5. DashboardBuddha

    Not listening…not listening…not listening. Ooooh, look, a woman with a hand drill up her nose!

  6. x111e7thst

    OT but I just now replaced both the solenoid and the starter switch on my old 8N only to find that the problem was a mouse-chewed wire. Now I don't know whether to kick the dog, beat the neighbor with a stick or just roll around on the floor snapping at the manacles of passersby.

    1. Callyson

      Kick Glenn Beck, beat Rushbo, and just roll around on the floor snapping at the teapartiers of yesterday
      /fixed

    2. widestanceroman

      I feel your pain. Back in landline days, I had the phone company visit my home only to tell/show me that a pet cockatoo had chewed the cord. I had to kill the man and hide hide the body to save face.

    3. 102415

      Haha, last April the rats on 3rd St. had a litter in the engine compartment of my Mini Cooper. We took it in to get serviced and the mechanics shit bricks when they opened the hood and we had to pay much money to replace all the wires and stuff chewed up. Yes, we moved the car every few days. Yes, they just rode around with us from one parking space to another. Yes, the mechanic took a picture. No, you can't see it. Not after we all had to look at that Bachmann picture.
      edited- and the Hahn picture.

    1. Polythene_Pam

      You see, she once mentioned a conversation that she'd had with her husband about the way that the world is always changing & how interesting it is to be a part of it all.

  7. littlebigdaddy

    Beck would be totes cool with it if it was the superhero Cucarachaman, but everyone knows that spiders are Murcan. Right?

  8. Lascauxcaveman

    Comic books seem to have gotten extra shitty in the last couple years. Yeah, better stick with the vegetable farming, 'Chelle.

    1. finallyhappy

      I thought they were called graphic novels now- or do cheap comic books stilll exist? I don't know but then again I don't really care.

  9. V572 Coif of Destiny

    Not gonna click on that clicky-thing. Wouldn't be prudent. Beck's off the teevee now and no one has to admit his existence anymore. On the radio he carries no more cultural impact than, say, Tom Leykis, the poor man's Howard Stern.

    1. Beowoof

      Tom Likass is he still on the air? Just the thought encourages to continue to pay for satellite radio, where at least the stand up comedy channel is rational. (Note this doesn't apply to the blue collar channel with all the Larry the Cable Guy they play).

  10. Mumbletypeg

    Peter Parker was supposedly killed by the Green Goblin

    You know who else generated a storm of confusion and controversy over rumors of their demise…?

    1. Beowoof

      Hitler. Saw something yesterday on top ten moon hoaxes that the Nazi's had built a Moon base where Hitler lived out days.

    2. PristinePantalones

      Wait, wait, I know this. Um … Jesus Christ?

      Well, shit, someone else said that already, so let me try again. Diamond Jim?

  11. BlueMonkeh

    I got to sit in the left turn lane this morning behind a car that had a "STOP ABORTION" bumper sticker on one side and a "STOP SOCIALISM" bumper sticker (w/pic of Hopey, natch). There was also some kind of sticker that almost looked like a fetus, but I did not want to get close enough to find out.

    Kind of off topic, but really, that's where my day is at.

      1. BlueMonkeh

        ha ha ha – I was in a Jeep Patriot driven by my husband (we're hippies so we pool it to work).

        unfortunately the conscience was also on board

      1. Redhead

        How about "Tea Party Policies Kill (real people when the people who listen to the Tea Party tv and radio shows and read the Tea Party books actually follow the "advice" and violent gun rhetoric in them and start shooting people and cops and fricking kids and flying planes into buildings)"

  12. Papa_Uniform

    Glenn just can't seem to resist adding to that stinking steaming heap of shit that he is.

  13. ManchuCandidate

    Crying Man, Crying Man
    Does whatever a cry baby can
    Spins a lie, any size,
    Use chalk to fill out lies
    Look Out!
    Here comes the Crying Man.

    Is he strong?
    Listen bud,
    He's got a big ass chicken heart.
    Can he draw on a board
    And yells that Spiderman's dead
    Hey, there
    There rants the Crying Man

    On the radio, he'll talk
    'Bout a make believe crime
    With a smear of chalk
    He cries just in time.

    Crying Man, Crying Man
    Crazy ass brown baiting Crying Man
    Wealth and fame
    He's engorged
    Fascism is his reward.

    To him, life is a great big chalkboard
    Whenever a con's got a hang up
    You'll find the Crying man.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Great. Even Spider Man has been replaced by cheaper Hispanic labor. Just another case of Social Justice. Glenn is smart to point out how Michelle Obama and the Socialist are moving in to replace the white man and repress him!

  15. elviouslyqueer

    I stopped listening after Becky the Expository Horse's Ass started screeching "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care!"

    Finally, Becky's given me something she and I can agree on.

    1. ProudLibunatic

      Dearest Elvis,
      I heart you, but PLEASE don't make him one of ours, (a vagina-haver), and I won't make him one of yours, (fabulous!).

      I love the Expository Horse's Ass part!

  16. Weenus299

    This is bad news for Hummingbird Man, Butterfly Man, Stapler Man, Octagonal-Sign Man, Cubicle Man, Door-Closing Man, Staring-At-Bookshelves Man. … I don't know how this development could be bad news, but there must be something to it if Monseur Glen Beck is on it.

  17. Sue4466

    Give Glenn a break, he's tortured trying to figure out which he hates more, that Miles Morales is black or that he's Mexican? Pick Glenn, pick!

  18. SorosBot

    Glenn doesn't even realize that there already was a biracial alternate universe Spider-Man in Miguel O'Hara, the Mexican-Irish Spider-Man 2099; and he doesn't even seem to understand that this is Ultimate Spider-Man, not the Spider-Man of the mainstream Earth-616 Marvel Universe. He doesn't know what he's talking about, as usual.

        1. SorosBot

          When it comes to the likes of comic books, Buffy or Lord of the Rings I can out-geek all but the true hardcore nerds.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      I'm amazed he didn't blow a gasket over the fact that Batman's son (the new Robin) is half-Arab.

      1. mumbly_joe

        What's interesting is that Beck, and other wingnuts, *did* blow a gasket over the new Batman, Inc arc (wherein the returned Batman has decided to do something marginally approaching practical to fight crime and use Wanye Entermprises' vast wealth and influence to back multiple Batmen across the globe), because the French Batman was a French Arab and Muslim.

        Never mind that there were three white Batman's (Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, and Cyril whatshismane the British Batman) running around at the time.

          1. mumbly_joe

            Yup. Again, it makes a lot more sense than spending billions of dollars on being one guy, fighting crime. I mean, there's even more reasonable things, but then we wouldn't have Batman at all.

            The arc isn't completley without warts, though. Namely in the form of the African Batman. Which is to say, there is one Batman. For Africa.

    2. mumbly_joe

      What Boojum said.

      Ta-Nehisi Coates over at Atlantic is also a huge comic book nerd, and this has come up in conversation every so often over there. The Spiderman narrative in particular kinda of particularly relevant to lower-middle class urbans, since he's one of the few superheroes who's stuck trying to balance keeping down a crummy job and paying bills with family obligations while also doing the superhero thing, in New York. If you're going to make any superhero's substitute mixed-race or a minority, kinda the obvious choice.

  19. johnnyzhivago

    Back in the day, people caught mumbling this kind of bullshit were usually dragged out of the subway station they were living in and thrown in the nut house. I guess in a way Beck is a beneficiary of cutbacks in government programs to keep the insane off the street.

  20. SexySmurf

    Glenn Beck actually went to see that Spider-man musical and liked it. And that is all I have to say on this topic.

    1. DahBoner

      Funny, that these Republican Elitists have to live in New York City.

      Why don't they move to some small town in the midwest and go see the local community theater version of Guys and Dolls????

  21. Buckminster

    The stock market is tanking, the U.S. credit rating has been downgraded and the misery index is the highest it's been since 1983. Way to focus on the important stuff, Glenn.

    1. DahBoner

      And since Reagan, only the Rich are getting richer.

      Did Glenn mention that to his working class listeners?

  22. north_of_moscow

    Don't worry, the new Fantastic Four is going to be Mitt Romney (stretchy and distinguished), Michelle Bachman ("If I close my eyes, you can't see me!" Also, useless), Rick Santorum (the fire guy) and Newt Gingrich (made of rocks). They're going to travel the world in a jet and save tax loopholes for rich folks.

    1. DahBoner

      "They're going to travel the world in a jet"

      Powered by biofuel made from aborted fetuses?

    2. SorosBot

      Hell, I bet old Glenn was pissed (or would have been had he heard of it) when Mr. Fantastic and The Invisible Woman took a leave of absence and were replaced by The Black Panther and Storm. At that was while Marvel had a black guy writing the book, as well.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Why in the fuck are they rebooting this shit, and Superman, again!? At this rate, trash culture movies will be spontaneously rebooting between the 3rd and 4th reels!!

  23. Arken

    Nerd++ time:

    Spider-man 2099 was a biracial Latino/Irish kid named Miguel O'Hara.

    Also he was awesome.

  24. DahBoner

    "Last week, in a comic book, the Ultimate Spider-Man took off his mask and revealed that he is some sort of biracial teenager. "

    Sen. John McCain: "You have to respond to the will of the people"

    Hell, that's nothing! Just this week, McCain proves that his head is so far up the Koch brother's ass, we'll just call him a Koch butt plug and make a day out of it….

  25. scionkirk

    oh man, just wait until he finds out that the new Wonder Woman is a Black Muslim handicapped lesbian single mother on welfare who speaks French.

  26. mumbly_joe

    Wait, so black Spiderman (who incidentally is part of the Ultimates universe and thus exists out of continuity with the comic's cannon- wow, Beck really does get mad whenever The Blacks get anything!) is completely Michelle Obama's fault?

    Weird, because I was pretty sure it was because of Donald Glover.

    But seriously, Glenn Beck is mad because the substitute Spiderman in a non-cannon alternate universe series invented for the sole purpose of fucking around, is black. I can only assume he raeged similarly when he found out that Ultimate Nick Fury was modeled after Samuel L Jackson, who also is black.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Umm…. who's president of the U.S. in the Ultimate universe? Maybe Glenn is, like, imagining this problem.

  27. mormos

    it's ultimates spiderman so no one actually cares. the best thing ultimates did was give us a black nick fury (who was modeled after Sam Jackson, who now poignantly plays the character in film). But Miles’ spiderman costume is pretty awesome looking.

    1. SorosBot

      It also gave us an Asian Wasp, which also helped make the Ultimates less lily-white than the early Avengers. But then they had The Blob eat her; damn Ultimatum was shit.

  28. KeepFnThatChicken

    Crow T. Robot said it best: "There's no tradition like a new tradition!"

    and all of this complaint from a dude who's worshipping a new Jesus.

  29. vulpes82

    I think this thread has proven conclusively that we're all gigantic NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!

  30. CalamityJames

    Glen Beck hates black cartoon characters, Michelle Bachmann has crazy eyes, and Jeebus hates amerikkka.

    Do you get the feeling that the wonkett isn't even trying anymore?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Try as we might, it's getting very hard to satirize the teabaggers… it's like trying to come up with a spoof of Monty Python.

      1. PristinePantalones

        It's the reason Tom Lehrer stopped performing, in the end — reality was becoming too painfully like his satire of it.

  31. Serolf_Divad

    It wasn't the Green Goblin killed Spiderman, it was the Black Goblin!!! (AKA: Michelle Obama)

    When Charles Manson carried out his murderous spree, the guy was trying to start a race war. Nice to see the GOP and its allies have chosen ssuch an upstanding Role Model. (Also, Manson though he was Jesus Christ… like Rick Perry.)

  32. Radiotherapy®

    I like the way he prefaces his bigotry: "I don't care if he's black, or if he's hispanic, or half hispanic or half gay,I don't care, I DON'T care, however…." If you don't care, then why are you belaboring a point about a fucking cartoon character?
    At least he didn't call him a tar baby.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      It is funny to see that some of racist America has done a goddamn top notch job of acting more responsibly and self-policing even the slightest fuckups with a brother in the house.

      I mean, even last week the dude didn't call Obama a tar baby — but he was recanting like a motherfucker once he done it.

      "Jesus, I am so sorry about that. I mean I know our hearts are black sometim–
      "FUCK, that slipped out. Fuck! I just want people to know we really want to do better, and keep an alert vigil from the porch —
      "Shit! Shit! Shit! Um, I mean, we want to be aggressive on our non-racist tone, and we need help to throw the spear for—
      "Goddammit! Uh, uh, uh, we just want to have that same exuberance you people have in chur–"

      "Oh, fuck it. 'N****r.'"

    2. PristinePantalones

      I know I'm dyslexic to some extent, but every now and then, life really brings it home to me. I read your last sentence and wondered why anyone would call Glenn Beck a "bar-tabby."

      Wuh?

  33. L188188

    "I don't care! I don't care! However…" Imbecile. How did this guy ever get beyond hosting the "Morning Zoo"?

  34. Come here a minute

    Mr. Beck was hoping the new Spider-Man would be named Glenn Galt and have a racial makeup of half Mormon and all crazy.

  35. DemonicRage

    Next week, "Little Lulu" comes back in another alternate universe special issue, as "Little Precious."

  36. DahBoner

    Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall
    "WASHINGTON—Urging the 14 million Americans without jobs not to get their hopes up, officials from the Department of Labor cau≠tiously announced Tuesday that they had heard about a possible employment opportunity at the Lindale Mall in Cedar Rapids…"

    This is disgusting!

    Everyone in Cedar Rapids knows that Lindale Mall is NOT a strip mall.

    It's got ferns, fountains and a food court!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm more interested in why Job is stuck in Iowa … hasn't he suffered enough already?

  37. miked420

    Okay, so what Glenn is really saying is that he doesn't care if the new spiderman is black, hispanic, or gay…… but there's no way he's gonna sit by and allow the new position of spiderman be assumed by a black, hispanic, homosexual, or a poor for that matter. Brilliant. I bet Glenn and Stu have tons of Black friends.

  38. Camaro Nova

    What would Glen think of my new film, "The League of XXXtraordinary Wingtards" which would consist of a team of influential 20th century figures who've captured the imagination of Murika. Ayn Rand (the ideologue), Augusto Pinochet (gets the answers), Werner von Braun (makes the gadgets), Pat Robertson (super strength), and Ronnie Reagan (PR). They are financed by the Koch brothers but only speak to him via telephone, like "Charlie" from "Charlie's Angels."

  39. Negropolis

    You could not pay me to listen to that clip. So, I won't.

    A black Mexican!? Hell, they didn't just go black and then refused to come back, they went all the way south of the border!

Comments are closed.