jesus loves haters

Rick Perry’s Weepy Sing-Along Hate Party Didn’t Save America

Rick Perry at prayer.Rick Perry and his gang of 30,000 sweaty, tearful homophobes spent Saturday singing and rolling around on the floor and eating pig anus sausages and nachos in a football stadium, so America is now “cleansed” according to its usual ritual standards. Was there *enough* hating of the gays and abortion doctors for God to finally save America? Probably not. Probably it would take a few million more fevered wingnuts and a few more Saturdays and tears and anus sausages for God to notice, but Rick Perry took his time and his Governor of Texas letterhead to get the circus rolling so everyone please mail their checks and votes to Rick Perry for his trouble.

From the Guardian:

It was billed as a day of prayer and fasting to halt America’s national decline, and about 30,000 answered the call, flooding into Houston’s Reliant stadium for a seven-hour marathon which blended Christian revivalism with hard-headed electoral campaigning.

There was plenty of prayer: some of the faithful stood with arms held high in supplication, others danced trancelike in the aisles and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor.

The fasting was less conspicuous: long queues formed at Prince’s Hamburgers, Tejas Nachos, Five Star Dogs and other fast-food stands inside the cavernous arena.

The rally on Saturday marked another step towards the launch of Rick Perry’s presidential campaign, giving the governor of Texas a national platform for the first time, with 250 reporters and camera crews covering it.

Did everyone enjoy the giant blasts of air conditioning? Free air conditioning if you hate gays! Know who doesn’t get free air conditioning in Texas? Seniors and the disabled! Jesus likes to see those people sweat.

Rick Perry’s Christianity in action, from the Houston Chronicle:

The participants at the prayer vigil organized by Gov. Rick Perry were treated to arctic blasts of the stuff Saturday, with Reliant Stadium’s 12,000 tons of air-conditioning keeping temperatures nippy. But as historic temperatures scorch Texas for the third straight month with triple-digit misery, $650 million collected from Texas electricity consumers to assist poor elderly and disabled citizens with their utility bills sits idly in a state bank account.

Instead of serving its intended humanitarian purpose, the state’s $650 million System Benefit Fund now serves a political one — permitting Perry and other Republican leaders to keep their “no new taxes” pledge.

In February, the Perry-appointed Public Utility Commission voted to reduce aid distributed from the fund, allowing its corpus to grow ever bigger. The fund, a big positive entry in the state comptroller’s ledger of the state’s fiscal condition, is now an essential tool in “balancing” the state’s budget.

Perry/Heat Stroke For the Elderly and Disabled 2012. [Guardian/ Houston Chronicle]

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    1. tcaalaw

      My favorite one of those ads is the "I Married My Dream Girl" one — that's right, you should run credit checks on your girlfriend/boyfriend to decide whether they are marriage material!

      1. SorosBot

        Finding out your boyfriend or girlfriend ran a credit check on you is definitely grounds to dump the motherfucker already.

      2. KeepFnThatChicken

        If you knew my potential son-in-law, you'd do it.

        then you would walk away crying, knowing you can't do a goddamn thing about it.

      3. Weenus299

        I didn't need a credit check to know the wife couldn't keep track of a bank account. But I married her anyway. And we're so, happy.

        1. DahBoner

          True, like if you can't look in your girlfriend's closet and figure out how much money she spends then maybe you're not bright enough to get married…

  1. bureaucrap

    It's so hard to hate on an empty stomach. And I'm sure some of the closet cases (including the leading one) were enjoying those hot dogs…

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        If they were offering free christ wafers instead, which do you think would win out in 'sales?'

  2. Barb

    "and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor."
    What are you praying for if you assume this position?
    I pray that none of them blew an o-ring by doing this and had to see the proctologist today.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Lay spreadeagled? Is that assuming the position?

        No wonder they think rape is a God Given Right, it's not only a way to make more babies, it's offered as a rite of passage to Heaven.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      In this whole account, that sentence stopped me dead in my tracks. These people really are bat-shit nuts.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      It may be an inapt description of assuming the full prostrate position (face down, arms out). That was the way early Christians and particularly monks/priests prayed, and you still see it in certain ceremonies. I'm sure some wingnuts think it gets them closer to God somehow.

      Still, about the last thing I'd do is lie down in a nasty stadium. That's a sure fired way to wake up sticky, stinky and sore the next day. Although, maybe the Ricksters adoring male fans wanted that.

    1. guangho

      No man that's racist and stereotypical! Everyone knows the power never goes out until the elderly black man's been dead for 72 hours from heat exhaustion.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      I thought they sent you a young buck to entertain you. By which I mean lynch for staring at the white wommenz, as a way to take your mind off the heat.

  3. philpjfry

    Would have been better if God had parted the skies and said "I am glad all you wingnuts are here" then opened the skies with rain and all the assholes would drown in the ensuing flood. Now that is religon we can all enjoy.

    1. V572 Coif of Destiny

      Ha! Rick outsmarted Yahweh by holding the event in a domed stadium, with A/C to boot, not mention " Prince’s Hamburgers, Tejas Nachos, Five Star Dogs"

    2. rahelio

      Would have solved the drought problem and the wignut problem. Two birds, one final solution.

  4. arihaya

    The fund, a big positive entry in the state comptroller’s ledger of the state’s fiscal condition, is now an essential tool in “balancing” the state’s budget.

    balancing budget by frying the poors?

    oh my God,, Texas took its economic policy lesson from Jonathan Swift

    1. mooncrushearth

      On the one hand, it's unconscionable to do that to people. On the other hand, poor and elderly texans are probably Repube voters. Karma, crackers.

  5. Lucidamente1

    "Others danced trancelike in the aisles and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor." Around here, we call that another club night in Williamsburg.

  6. Barb

    The fasting was less conspicuous: …………………….Five Star Dogs…."
    Okay, Benji, Rin Tin Tin, Asta, Toto. Who was the fifth? Snookie?
    Texicans will slap sauce on anything and call it BBQ.

  7. DemonicRage

    What is the point of pointing out that the sausages have pig anuses in them? They probably have inner linings of pig nostrils in them as well, but when the thing is roasted up properly, and slathered with some kind of barbecue sauce, how would you know? Seems kind of infantile to point these things out….like saying (as you look up at his face), "Grandpa, did you know that you had hair growing in your nose?" If someone elects to eat sausage, he/ she has to expect these things, unless he's paying $16.95 a pound for gourmet artisenal sausage.

        1. Gleem_McShineys

          Fake pig anuses?
          This is an actual note on Fleshlight whiteboard, right under "Capturing the Southern Baptist market"

      1. kissawookiee

        Nose to tail, baby, nose to tail, apparently with emphasis on the tail part of that equation.

  8. Sue4466

    Teabaggers confused "fasting" with "fast food." It's a common error.

    Also, they believe they deserve nice things for free. Jesus saving America without them giving up nachos. Medicare, but no taxes.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Same when translated from French, too. "Vite" (fast) —>> vittles

      and "vite" rhymes with pommes "frites", so…

      But to be honest, I'd assumed the "fast" part had been translated on their behalf into dancing fast, as they were reported to be doing, in the aisles

  9. hollywooddood

    I spent my entire childhood praying for a pony.

    Rick Perry can pray until he's blue in the face, In fact, I hope he does.

  10. baconzgood

    "The (Rick Perry Revival) is what the whole hep world would be doing on Saturday night if the Nazis won the war"


      1. baconzgood

        I know. Boy oh boy do we need his brand of liberal now a days. Armed to the eyeballs and wacked out mescaline.

  11. noodlesalad

    The thing I love about these fuckers is that they get to be both Caesar and Christ – they get their tax dollar-funded air conditioned "me so holy" rally and get to pretend to hate government largesse at the same time. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, and render unto God what is God's – which means I get everything, bitches.

    1. freakishlywrong

      AND I love the fact that these fuckers eyes would be glazed over about six words in to your comment.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Not just the AC, but the whole damn building. It cost over 400 million to build, almost 300 of which was direct funded by taxes. plus ongoing taxes on every use of the building.

      But apparently that's just peachy with the Norquist nuts. Consistency ain't their strong suit.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Ho-ly shit. Countering Rick with the right Rev Morrison. I hear you brother, preach on!

      They've got the guns but, we've got the numbers…gonna win, yeah we're taking over – COME ON!

      1. SorosBot

        I'm just wondering what Perry and the many Rev. Hatefulbigots were praying for; "stopping America's decline" is just vague and meaningless.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          It's called "that scene from Back to the Future when Marty gets to the 50s" – but without the revenue base. Ya know, all of the discriminatory power, none of the tax! Hooray!

    2. DahBoner


      But what if your lobbyiest is a closeted gay Republican governor?

      YOOO HOOO!!!!!!

  12. Weenus299

    They should've held it at the same time they had a gun show. Imagine the photos/stories/death.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Some of that old-fashioned shootin' guns into the air with religious fervor would have been fun to watch, inside a domed stadium.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    It was billed as a day of prayer and fasting to halt America’s national decline, and about 30,000 answered the call, flooding into Houston’s Reliant stadium for a seven-hour marathon which blended Christian revivalism with hard-headed electoral campaigning.


    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hey, we're up against the Taliban … we gotta fight fire with fire!

      (The fact that they're actually fighting idiocy with idiocy quite escapes them.)

  14. baconzgood


    Not since the Glenn Beck rally were so many douche bags gathered in one place.

    The story writes itself from there people.

  15. WordSaladNation

    It was billed as a day of prayer and fasting to halt America’s national decline…

    At first, I read that as "a day of prayer and farting," which, with all the hot dogs, it probably was.

  16. Steverino247

    One would think it is illegal not to distribute the funds for which they were collected. Immoral, sure, but why not illegal? Oh, silly me. It's Texas doing it!

  17. baconzgood

    "stood with arms held high in supplication, others danced trancelike in the aisles and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor."

    add Booze and you have Frat party at WVU.

  18. hollywooddood

    Dear God, please let the federal government give me stimulus cash equal to one-third of the Texas budget when I bankrupt the state. Again.

    Thanks, Man.


  19. BaldarTFlagass

    some of the faithful stood with arms held high in supplication, others danced trancelike in the aisles and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor.

    Sounds like any rock festival I've ever attended.

  20. PuckStopsHere

    Not a success? Why, I heard there were 20,000 homosexual men there who were turned straight on account of The Lord. For an entire afternoon!

  21. freakishlywrong

    The fasting was less conspicuous: long queues formed at Prince’s Hamburgers, Tejas Nachos, Five Star Dogs and other fast-food stands inside the cavernous arena.
    Really, that just about sums up this movement. (And the subsequent "movements" that were had on Sunday). Oy.

  22. SorosBot

    It's strange to have a bunch of fundamentalist Christians praying to halt America's decline, when the best way to halt America's decline would be to get rid of all the fundamentalist Christians.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's what the Rapture is supposed to do for us — and I'm really pissed that it's been rescheduled again.

      1. DahBoner

        "Maybe there is a loving God who gives us the capacity to laugh…"

        Which is why we NEED Texass….

  23. freakishlywrong

    And as fucking miserable as it's been in Tejas, I'd have gone to this shite-fest just to get some free gubbmint' air conditioning.

    1. Geminisunmars

      Surely, there would be something else you could do less disgusting, like stab yourself in the eye with a hot poker, and then wait in the hospital ER waiting room.

      1. freakishlywrong

        It might have been kind of fun to run around and do that Elaine Benes devil thing she used to do when was dating a fundy on Seinfeld.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hmmm…. makes me wonder what fraction of the crowd was there for the A/C and the burgers. No beer, but I bet people brought their own booze (which maybe explains some of the folks who ended up spread-eagled on the floor.)

      1. SorosBot

        No booze? Does that mean that they didn't even have their wine magically turned into their lord's blood? Come on, a prayer session isn't complete without the ritual drinking of Jesus' blood.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          I don't think there were too many Catholics at this shindig. They're pretty much classified with the Jews and Muslins, as far as the Fundies are concerned.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        They're already seeing things and hearing voices, and otherwise divorced from reality … LSD wouldn't change things much.

  24. Beowoof

    Hey I am sure there was lots of deep fried anus burgers and corn syrup drinks at this event and at the tailgate party, so America is now growing again.

  25. unclejeems

    I have to think the noise those idiots made didn't reach to top of that stadium, with the air conditioning booming, the pigs squealing in the wings waiting to be slaughtered, and the constant toilet flushing of the saints of God. (Yes, even the redeemed have to take a crap once in a while.)

    Anyway, I think this guy had the last word on the value of that event… .

    1. elviouslyqueer

      The assumption that Christianity and America are God’s two favorite things will be particularly ironic, as the prayer event falls on the anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima.

      Ouch. MEOW, also.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      My favorite Bit o' Bible:

      “I hate, I despise your religious festivals; your assemblies are a stench to me… Away with the noise of your songs!" (Amos 5:21-22)

    3. mrblifil

      They're selective about which parts of the Bible they like. Just like they're selective about who they want to cruise in the highway rest stops.

    4. BlueMonkeh

      That op ed is pure awesome. Sent it to all my friends and posted for all my wingnut "friends" to bitch.

    5. DahBoner

      Jesus said LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.

      OK, Teabaggers, go ahead and DISOBEY JESUS'S COMMANDMENT.

      You have no shame and no guilt in doing so.

      Y'all ain't nothing but pieces of shit that call yourselves "Christian"…

  26. Doktor Zoom

    Then he will say to those on his left, "Depart from me, you accursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, it was over 100 degrees in the shade for three straight months and you let me suffer heat stroke because you had taken a no-new-taxes pledge.

    Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me. You Kochsucker.

  27. AJWjr.

    Did Goodhair re-purpose this event? I thought the original intent was to stop Texas from being burned to a crisp and blowing away due to no rain?

      1. SorosBot

        The state, the state, the state is on fire!
        We don't need no water, let that motherfucker burn!

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Barack Obama adds, "I'm neither black like Barry White nor white like Frank Black is. Just think of me like Lenny Kravitz, minus the Yarmulke".

  28. Oblios_Cap

    few more Saturdays and tears and anus

    Somehow, when I saw Rick Perry's name in the same paragraph, I read this as "anal tears".

    1. V572 Coif of Destiny

      Or as Bob Vanderplaatz referred to it in his very special marriage vow (signed by Miche1e Bachmann), "anal incontinence." This is a very important issue today!

  29. metamarcisf

    Vis-a-vis the scene at Reliant Stadium on Saturday: No separation of Church and Steak there.

  30. fuflans

    you know, if texas didn't have oil, it would be kansas with a port.

    and we could fucking ignore it.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      There is a really strong, and really curious, correlation between oil under the ground and uber-religious asshats above it. I'd love to hear an explanation.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        All oil operation rough-necks and executives come from the same place, Oklahoma's, Texas, etc., which explains the uber-religious asshats in every oil producing State – like Alaska. Baby, we aren't born this way, it's imported.

        Oil is the gateway for fundies.

  31. BaldarTFlagass

    And the man at the front said
    Everyone attack and it turned into a ballpark blitz
    And the girl in the corner said
    Boy, I wanna warn ya, it'll turn into a ballpark blitz
    Ballpark blitz
    Now the man in the back
    Is ready to crack as he raises his hands to the sky
    And the girl in the corner is ev'ryone's mourner
    She could kill you with a wink of her eye
    Oh, yeah, it was like lightning, everybody was frightening
    And the music was soothing, and they all started grooving

    It's it's a ballpark blitz, it's it's a ballpark blitz
    It's it's a ballpark blitz, yeah, it's a ballpark blitz

    1. comrad_darkness

      Man that takes me back. Where, I somehow can't remember, but the journey is nice anyway.

  32. baconzgood

    Is anyone on Wonkette from Tex-Ass because Baconz has a question: You guys voted for this chuckle head to be ironic right? Like when I went to the Fugazi show wearing a Hanson Brothers shirt.

    1. CalamityJames

      Hey, that's so weird, I wore a Fugazi shirt to a Hanson concert. Fucked up world we live in, huh Baconz?

    2. fartknocker

      I've never voted for Rick. I didn't vote for Shrub either.

      Rick Perry started as a Democrat, and then flipped to Republican when he was Secretary of Agriculture. When he ran for Lt. Governor in 1988, he won only with a 0.04% majority of the vote.

      In that same election I voted for John Sharp, who also went to Texas A&M and graduated with a degree in Economics. John was one of our most effective State Comptrollers.

  33. hagajim

    I guess I was under the wrong impression that the gheyz liked the anus sausages….isn't that the point?

  34. Chillwaver

    "The fund, a big positive entry in the state comptroller’s ledger of the state’s fiscal condition, is now an essential tool in “balancing” the state’s budget."

    You know who else is a fuckin' tool?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oooh, ooh, ooh! *raises hand and gesticulates frantically*

      All of them, Katie?

      /Arnold Horshack

  35. starfanglednut

    Rick Perry's country western barbecue didn't create any jobs, and there were a lot of white people there!

    And by barbecue, I mean the roasting of the elderly and poor.

  36. DaRooster

    "…which blended Christian revivalism with hard-headed electoral campaigning."
    So it really was a Sausage-Fest… bet them restrooms was busy.

    1. El Pinche

      "And Jesus turned cow chips into Nachos then in turn gave to the poor Israelites." Book of Phallacs , chapter #2 .

  37. El Pinche

    We have left over half-eaten hotdogs and runny nachos, and gift certificates for Lowes for those elderly and disabled who suffered.

  38. smitallica

    CNN said that Perry spoke to a "packed" Reliant stadium.

    So now a stadium that is less than half full is "packed?" By that standard, I am incredibly "hung."

  39. SaintRond

    God just killed one of Perry's biggest contributors this morning – Charles Wyly was hit by a SUV in Aspen and arrived in Hell this morning at 7:44 AM Hell Time.

    Hey, you wanna see my wiener?

      1. AJWjr.

        I imagine his heirs are gonna be pretty vocal about repealing what's left of inheritance taxes.

  40. CalamityJames

    Dear Rick Perry,

    You think maybe a better expenditure of your time would be to run your state in a responsible, adult manner?

    Yours truly,
    Everyone who will giggle uncontrollably when you get your ass handed to you by Barrack Reagan Jr.

  41. Beetagger

    Can we please split up into different countries now? Let the South do whatever the hell they want, as long as the rest of us don't have to give them foreign aid.

  42. Guppy06

    Food and air-conditioning during a mid-summer fast? What, were you expecting the penitent to actually suffer?

    1. widestanceroman

      The AC was to prevent mass rendering of tons and tons of faith-based fat upon the Texan soil. Given the heat, a flash fire was a serious risk.

      1. Guppy06

        Aren't you supposed to burn the fat, though, as a sacrificial offering, or is that a little too Old Testament-y?

  43. KeepFnThatChicken

    Hey, Rick: Reliant Stadium is a wee bit large for a fucking closet, ennit? Or did any of the religious people that attended… did they forgot that part of the bible?

  44. Weenus299

    The takeaway from my study of revival meetings, camp meetings, tent things-cum-political-things, is that people are batshit crazy without the devil alcohol, and that at least alcoholics have the possibility one day of sobering up.

  45. donner_froh

    In February, the Perry-appointed Public Utility Commission voted to reduce aid distributed from the fund, allowing its corpus to grow ever bigger.

    Sounds like the typical attendee at the prayer-a-thon: getting bigger and more bloated until it it needs a Nissa APX pallet truck to replace its smashed Hoveround.

  46. mavenmaven

    Of course it didn't work, God doesn't like pig food, he said so himself.
    And there were no bullocks nor frankincense nor myrrh offerings.

  47. glamourdammerung

    I was informed that Perry was using a teleprompter for his "prayer". I can only wait to see how many times Breitards have to mention it.

  48. SheriffRoscoe

    Teabaggers fasting. Oh that's a good one. Burgers, hot dogs and nachos. I guess we need to redefine "fasting" as "not eating ice cream, cake and/or candy."

  49. SheriffRoscoe

    God looked down at the event and saw the earnestness of his children's supplications, dancing trance-like in the aisles, lying spread-eagled on the floors, fasting on nachos and burgers, and suffering the in the 65-degree heat of the air-conditioned stadium, and was all, "meh."

  50. NickDanger007

    This reminds me of why I always agreed with Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman about Texas. "If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell."

  51. stewstew03

    As is evident from the comments on this page, "left wing hate" is no different than "right wing hate."

  52. Chet Kincaid

    You know, I liked these white fundamentalists better in the '60s, when they were calling MLK Jr. a communist and saying preachers shouldn't be involved in politics.

    1. SorosBot

      Just as the NRA gun-loving rednecks (many of whom are the same) were against people arming themselves to protect against government oppression when they were the Black Panthers; even though with them the government oppression was not imaginary.

  53. MiniMencken

    Praying for God to save the USA on the anniversary of the USA's first use of a nuclear bomb on an unsuspecting civilian population. That'll work, on so many levels.

  54. Sparky_McGruff

    I've been to Houston in August. The only salvation is a plane ticket out and a shower when you get home.

  55. proudgrampa

    "$650 million collected from Texas electricity consumers to assist poor elderly and disabled citizens with their utility bills sits idly in a state bank account"

    Perry, there is a VERY warm place in hell for you, motherfucker.

  56. MiniMencken

    If you ask a car salesperson what it means when a tired little sedan plastered with "John 13:16" bumper stickers, plastic adhesive fish symbols and a crucifix hanging from the rear view mirror parks in front of the dealership, they will tell you "BK." That's slang for a bankruptcy filing on the credit report (With an average amount of debt at the time bankruptcy protection was sought being around $8,000.oo, BTW). In my experience, the correllation ran at, oh, about 100%.

  57. glamourdammerung

    So why exactly did Perry need that many people and a teleprompter to pray that no one finds out about his love of cock again?

  58. Negropolis

    There are only few things in my life that I care less about than Rick Perry's Prayer Jamboree/Extravaganza. Joel Osteen preaches to 45,000 every single week in the former Compaq Center arena right there in Houston. Who gives a flying fuck about Rick Perry?


    1. STOP TEXAS from transferring youth with GENETIC BRAIN DISORDER into ADULT PRISON by 2012.
    2. NOTE: DA has another CANTU Case that follows her still, Ruben Cantu Innocent Executed.
    3. 2010 was CAMPAIGN YEAR (R) District Attorney SUSAN D REED and NEW Judge LISA K JARRETT.
    4. Minor Child Prisoner: Bryce Seton Vandergrift. Clemens Unit, 11034 hwy 36 Brazoria, TX. 77422
    5. Case:2010-CR-5794B{D436}. TDC:01-66-1857 #08508535 PR: 90979792. Atty Anthony B Cantrell.
    6. Arrested at age 15, on 12-31-2009 or 01-01-2010 DOB: 09-09-94 ht: 6 ft.3
    7. Co Defendant: Nicholas Daniel Cantu. 01-65-8805 Tried Separately. Public defender James Wheat.
    8. Capital Murder of Mr. Fred * CANTU * Jr. RIP "Much Respect" Before he died, Fred named NICK.
    9. 30 yr <–Lie. Courts state lower sentences than what really is, because life w/o parole organizations
    will consider assisting. DNA real or fabricated/planted, is being securely sealed for same reason.
    10.The True Sentence, Transcripts, PLEA Agreement, warrant & JUVI medical records being WITHHELD.

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