JESUS LOVES HATERS  9:49 am August 8, 2011

Rick Perry’s Weepy Sing-Along Hate Party Didn’t Save America

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Rick Perry at prayer.Rick Perry and his gang of 30,000 sweaty, tearful homophobes spent Saturday singing and rolling around on the floor and eating pig anus sausages and nachos in a football stadium, so America is now “cleansed” according to its usual ritual standards. Was there *enough* hating of the gays and abortion doctors for God to finally save America? Probably not. Probably it would take a few million more fevered wingnuts and a few more Saturdays and tears and anus sausages for God to notice, but Rick Perry took his time and his Governor of Texas letterhead to get the circus rolling so everyone please mail their checks and votes to Rick Perry for his trouble.

From the Guardian:

It was billed as a day of prayer and fasting to halt America’s national decline, and about 30,000 answered the call, flooding into Houston’s Reliant stadium for a seven-hour marathon which blended Christian revivalism with hard-headed electoral campaigning.

There was plenty of prayer: some of the faithful stood with arms held high in supplication, others danced trancelike in the aisles and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor.

The fasting was less conspicuous: long queues formed at Prince’s Hamburgers, Tejas Nachos, Five Star Dogs and other fast-food stands inside the cavernous arena.

The rally on Saturday marked another step towards the launch of Rick Perry’s presidential campaign, giving the governor of Texas a national platform for the first time, with 250 reporters and camera crews covering it.

Did everyone enjoy the giant blasts of air conditioning? Free air conditioning if you hate gays! Know who doesn’t get free air conditioning in Texas? Seniors and the disabled! Jesus likes to see those people sweat.

Rick Perry’s Christianity in action, from the Houston Chronicle:

The participants at the prayer vigil organized by Gov. Rick Perry were treated to arctic blasts of the stuff Saturday, with Reliant Stadium’s 12,000 tons of air-conditioning keeping temperatures nippy. But as historic temperatures scorch Texas for the third straight month with triple-digit misery, $650 million collected from Texas electricity consumers to assist poor elderly and disabled citizens with their utility bills sits idly in a state bank account.

Instead of serving its intended humanitarian purpose, the state’s $650 million System Benefit Fund now serves a political one — permitting Perry and other Republican leaders to keep their “no new taxes” pledge.

In February, the Perry-appointed Public Utility Commission voted to reduce aid distributed from the fund, allowing its corpus to grow ever bigger. The fund, a big positive entry in the state comptroller’s ledger of the state’s fiscal condition, is now an essential tool in “balancing” the state’s budget.

Perry/Heat Stroke For the Elderly and Disabled 2012. [Guardian/ Houston Chronicle]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 247 comments }

johnnyzhivago August 8, 2011 at 9:51 am

OT, but this whole downgrade mess could have been avoided if Timothy Geithner had just called FreeCreditReport.com.

tcaalaw August 8, 2011 at 10:03 am

My favorite one of those ads is the "I Married My Dream Girl" one — that's right, you should run credit checks on your girlfriend/boyfriend to decide whether they are marriage material!

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 10:09 am

Finding out your boyfriend or girlfriend ran a credit check on you is definitely grounds to dump the motherfucker already.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 11:51 am

Women need to know how much alimony they'll be getting.

hollywooddood August 8, 2011 at 10:12 am

FICO score or gtfo.

horsedreamer_1 August 8, 2011 at 10:34 am

It's the new dowry.

Lascauxcaveman August 8, 2011 at 11:18 am

Or a pre-nup for people who don't actually have money.

KeepFnThatChicken August 8, 2011 at 11:13 am

If you knew my potential son-in-law, you'd do it.

then you would walk away crying, knowing you can't do a goddamn thing about it.

Weenus299 August 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

I didn't need a credit check to know the wife couldn't keep track of a bank account. But I married her anyway. And we're so, happy.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 11:53 am

True, like if you can't look in your girlfriend's closet and figure out how much money she spends then maybe you're not bright enough to get married…

Barrelhse August 8, 2011 at 11:31 am
bureaucrap August 8, 2011 at 9:51 am

It's so hard to hate on an empty stomach. And I'm sure some of the closet cases (including the leading one) were enjoying those hot dogs…

Lascauxcaveman August 8, 2011 at 11:20 am

"Fasting." That's where you eat the hot dog as quickly as you can, right?

NorthStarSpanx August 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

If they were offering free christ wafers instead, which do you think would win out in 'sales?'

Barb August 8, 2011 at 9:52 am

"and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor."
What are you praying for if you assume this position?
I pray that none of them blew an o-ring by doing this and had to see the proctologist today.

Sue4466 August 8, 2011 at 9:55 am

To be disciplined by Marcus Bachmann for your homo-thoughts.

NorthStarSpanx August 8, 2011 at 11:28 am

Lay spreadeagled? Is that assuming the position?

No wonder they think rape is a God Given Right, it's not only a way to make more babies, it's offered as a rite of passage to Heaven.

BlueStateLibel August 8, 2011 at 11:30 am

In this whole account, that sentence stopped me dead in my tracks. These people really are bat-shit nuts.

BerkeleyBear August 8, 2011 at 11:43 am

It may be an inapt description of assuming the full prostrate position (face down, arms out). That was the way early Christians and particularly monks/priests prayed, and you still see it in certain ceremonies. I'm sure some wingnuts think it gets them closer to God somehow.

Still, about the last thing I'd do is lie down in a nasty stadium. That's a sure fired way to wake up sticky, stinky and sore the next day. Although, maybe the Ricksters adoring male fans wanted that.

An_Outhouse August 8, 2011 at 12:24 pm

They're just too fat to kneel.

poncho_pilot August 8, 2011 at 4:57 pm

face down. arms out. that's the way we like to…show we're devout.

guangho August 8, 2011 at 9:53 am

Elderly Heatstroke Victims 4 Jesus.

johnnyzhivago August 8, 2011 at 9:53 am

BTW, if the power DOES go out, the Texas Utilities board immediately sends an elderly black man over to your house to commence fanning you.

guangho August 8, 2011 at 9:58 am

No man that's racist and stereotypical! Everyone knows the power never goes out until the elderly black man's been dead for 72 hours from heat exhaustion.

BerkeleyBear August 8, 2011 at 11:44 am

I thought they sent you a young buck to entertain you. By which I mean lynch for staring at the white wommenz, as a way to take your mind off the heat.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 11:54 am

Get a cup, save a buck.

philpjfry August 8, 2011 at 9:55 am

Would have been better if God had parted the skies and said "I am glad all you wingnuts are here" then opened the skies with rain and all the assholes would drown in the ensuing flood. Now that is religon we can all enjoy.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 8, 2011 at 10:43 am

Ha! Rick outsmarted Yahweh by holding the event in a domed stadium, with A/C to boot, not mention " Prince’s Hamburgers, Tejas Nachos, Five Star Dogs"

BerkeleyBear August 8, 2011 at 11:45 am

I was hoping for a Python foot stomp. Oh well.

rahelio August 8, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Would have solved the drought problem and the wignut problem. Two birds, one final solution.

lefty74 August 8, 2011 at 9:55 am

Have gun. Will grovel.
Reads the card of a gman!
Shit fire hell gotdamn Texas! Hoot!

arihaya August 8, 2011 at 9:55 am

The fund, a big positive entry in the state comptroller’s ledger of the state’s fiscal condition, is now an essential tool in “balancing” the state’s budget.

balancing budget by frying the poors?

oh my God,, Texas took its economic policy lesson from Jonathan Swift

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 10:33 am

From Swift's satire, actually … not that they'd know it when they saw it.

mooncrushearth August 8, 2011 at 10:48 am

On the one hand, it's unconscionable to do that to people. On the other hand, poor and elderly texans are probably Repube voters. Karma, crackers.

Lucidamente1 August 8, 2011 at 9:56 am

"Others danced trancelike in the aisles and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor." Around here, we call that another club night in Williamsburg.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 11:55 am

But in Texass, they were high on Jesus….

Barb August 8, 2011 at 9:56 am

The fasting was less conspicuous: …………………….Five Star Dogs…."
Okay, Benji, Rin Tin Tin, Asta, Toto. Who was the fifth? Snookie?
Texicans will slap sauce on anything and call it BBQ.

FNMA August 8, 2011 at 10:03 am

Lassie?
Still, congrats on nailing the four dogs of the Apocalypse.

tcaalaw August 8, 2011 at 10:03 am

Lassie?

Geminisunmars August 8, 2011 at 10:10 am

Beethoven, the fifth.

Doktor Zoom August 8, 2011 at 10:15 am

In a misguided bid for the Latino vote, the little Taco Bell Chihuahua.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 10:37 am

Balto? Buck? Gotta have an Alaskan sledder in there, for the Palin-worshippers.

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 10:49 am

Spuds McKenzie?

DaRooster August 8, 2011 at 11:10 am

Snoop?

Lascauxcaveman August 8, 2011 at 11:37 am

Santa's Little Helper.

freakishlywrong August 8, 2011 at 9:56 am

I checked out this weekend. Anything happen I need to know about?

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 11:06 am

Nope. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Geminisunmars August 8, 2011 at 11:21 am

Nah.

hollywooddood August 8, 2011 at 1:52 pm

It's a weird coincidence, but on Saturday night I laid on the floor spreadeagled.

DemonicRage August 8, 2011 at 9:56 am

What is the point of pointing out that the sausages have pig anuses in them? They probably have inner linings of pig nostrils in them as well, but when the thing is roasted up properly, and slathered with some kind of barbecue sauce, how would you know? Seems kind of infantile to point these things out….like saying (as you look up at his face), "Grandpa, did you know that you had hair growing in your nose?" If someone elects to eat sausage, he/ she has to expect these things, unless he's paying $16.95 a pound for gourmet artisenal sausage.

Chet Kincaid August 8, 2011 at 10:27 am

How much do they pay you to astroturf for Big Anus??!!

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 11:57 am

Never slander Big Anus.

Just ask Oprah…

mumbly_joe August 8, 2011 at 10:28 am

Acutally, I suspect you're more likely to have a bit of pig anus if you're getting gourmet artisenal sausage. Nowadays most cheap sausages use the fake crap.

FNMA August 8, 2011 at 10:31 am

Fake pig anuses?

comptoneffect August 8, 2011 at 10:43 am

Isn't America great?

Geminisunmars August 8, 2011 at 10:54 am

Yummmmm. Ersatz pig anus.

Gleem_McShineys August 8, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Fake pig anuses?
This is an actual note on Fleshlight whiteboard, right under "Capturing the Southern Baptist market"

kissawookiee August 8, 2011 at 11:51 am

Nose to tail, baby, nose to tail, apparently with emphasis on the tail part of that equation.

102415 August 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Actually, Whole Foods sells a very nice Pig Asshole Links.

Sue4466 August 8, 2011 at 9:57 am

Teabaggers confused "fasting" with "fast food." It's a common error.

Also, they believe they deserve nice things for free. Jesus saving America without them giving up nachos. Medicare, but no taxes.

gvvt August 8, 2011 at 10:21 am

FastFooding…

BaldarTFlagass August 8, 2011 at 10:23 am

"Fatting," not "fasting"

Mumbletypeg August 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

Same when translated from French, too. "Vite" (fast) —>> vittles

and "vite" rhymes with pommes "frites", so…

But to be honest, I'd assumed the "fast" part had been translated on their behalf into dancing fast, as they were reported to be doing, in the aisles

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 12:09 pm

That's funny!

I believe in Medicare, but no Texas.

hollywooddood August 8, 2011 at 9:58 am

I spent my entire childhood praying for a pony.

Rick Perry can pray until he's blue in the face, In fact, I hope he does.

Geminisunmars August 8, 2011 at 10:03 am

Well, as deep in shit as we are, its gotta be in here someplace.

SpurningBeer August 8, 2011 at 10:08 am

I was praying for world peace. Same results.

FlownOver August 8, 2011 at 10:14 am

Are you bluish? You don't look bluish.

hollywooddood August 8, 2011 at 10:22 am

Oy vey.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Krishna, Krishna!

fuflans August 8, 2011 at 10:15 am

mine was jetpacs and i'm still pissed.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Mine was moving sidewalks and video phones.

JustPixelz August 8, 2011 at 10:31 am

What a coincidence! I spent my entire childhood trying to get rid of a damn pony. God really is a fuck up, isn't he/she/it?

baconzgood August 8, 2011 at 9:58 am

"The (Rick Perry Revival) is what the whole hep world would be doing on Saturday night if the Nazis won the war"

-HUNTER THOMPSON-

FNMA August 8, 2011 at 10:04 am

RIP Good Doctor.

baconzgood August 8, 2011 at 10:26 am

I know. Boy oh boy do we need his brand of liberal now a days. Armed to the eyeballs and wacked out mescaline.

starfanglednut August 8, 2011 at 10:27 am

Ain't that the truth.

noodlesalad August 8, 2011 at 9:59 am

The thing I love about these fuckers is that they get to be both Caesar and Christ – they get their tax dollar-funded air conditioned "me so holy" rally and get to pretend to hate government largesse at the same time. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, and render unto God what is God's – which means I get everything, bitches.

freakishlywrong August 8, 2011 at 10:15 am

AND I love the fact that these fuckers eyes would be glazed over about six words in to your comment.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 10:41 am

Rendering unto Caesar is precisely what they DON'T want to do.

BerkeleyBear August 8, 2011 at 11:54 am

Not just the AC, but the whole damn building. It cost over 400 million to build, almost 300 of which was direct funded by taxes. plus ongoing taxes on every use of the building.

But apparently that's just peachy with the Norquist nuts. Consistency ain't their strong suit.

ProudLibunatic August 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm

And "fasting" means eating as many hot dogs as you can.

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 9:59 am

YOU CANNOT PETITION THE LORD WITH PRAYER!

FakaktaSouth August 8, 2011 at 10:08 am

Ho-ly shit. Countering Rick with the right Rev Morrison. I hear you brother, preach on!

They've got the guns but, we've got the numbers…gonna win, yeah we're taking over – COME ON!

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 10:25 am

I'm just wondering what Perry and the many Rev. Hatefulbigots were praying for; "stopping America's decline" is just vague and meaningless.

FakaktaSouth August 8, 2011 at 10:32 am

It's called "that scene from Back to the Future when Marty gets to the 50s" – but without the revenue base. Ya know, all of the discriminatory power, none of the tax! Hooray!

V572 Coif of Destiny August 8, 2011 at 10:46 am

They should be praying to those impartial economists at Standard & Poors.

starfanglednut August 8, 2011 at 10:16 am

Cancel my subscription to the resurrection.

gvvt August 8, 2011 at 10:22 am

RECALL!

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 12:26 pm

"YOU CANNOT PETITION THE LORD WITH PRAYER!"

But what if your lobbyiest is a closeted gay Republican governor?

YOOO HOOO!!!!!!

Weenus299 August 8, 2011 at 9:59 am

They should've held it at the same time they had a gun show. Imagine the photos/stories/death.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

Some of that old-fashioned shootin' guns into the air with religious fervor would have been fun to watch, inside a domed stadium.

Geminisunmars August 8, 2011 at 10:00 am

…and a day of feasting.

fixt

elviouslyqueer August 8, 2011 at 10:01 am

It was billed as a day of prayer and fasting to halt America’s national decline, and about 30,000 answered the call, flooding into Houston’s Reliant stadium for a seven-hour marathon which blended Christian revivalism with hard-headed electoral campaigning.

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, MOTHERFUCKER.

Doktor Zoom August 8, 2011 at 10:18 am

Oh, such quaint, old-fashioned ideas.

Chet Kincaid August 8, 2011 at 10:30 am

What is your beef?! Church was in the stands and State was on-stage!

JustPixelz August 8, 2011 at 10:33 am

mmmm …. beef. It makes fasting delicious.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 10:44 am

Hey, we're up against the Taliban … we gotta fight fire with fire!

(The fact that they're actually fighting idiocy with idiocy quite escapes them.)

baconzgood August 8, 2011 at 10:01 am

AP
Houston

Not since the Glenn Beck rally were so many douche bags gathered in one place.

The story writes itself from there people.

JustPixelz August 8, 2011 at 10:34 am

Hey! The American Douche Manufacturing Association — and it's powerful lobbying arm, "Congress" — is offended by your remarks.

baconzgood August 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

It's the biggest industry south of the Mason-Dixon line.

WordSaladNation August 8, 2011 at 10:02 am

It was billed as a day of prayer and fasting to halt America’s national decline…

At first, I read that as "a day of prayer and farting," which, with all the hot dogs, it probably was.

FNMA August 8, 2011 at 10:33 am

I thought it said "a day of prayer and fisting."

JustPixelz August 8, 2011 at 10:35 am

The farting was at the podium.

Steverino247 August 8, 2011 at 10:03 am

One would think it is illegal not to distribute the funds for which they were collected. Immoral, sure, but why not illegal? Oh, silly me. It's Texas doing it!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 10:46 am

There's nothing in the Bible about Jesus powering the air conditioners of the poor.

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 11:11 am

Come on, if they have an air conditioner, how can they be poor?

baconzgood August 8, 2011 at 10:04 am

"stood with arms held high in supplication, others danced trancelike in the aisles and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor."

add Booze and you have Frat party at WVU.

Tundra Grifter August 8, 2011 at 11:50 am

Or the average Cowboys' game.

mog253 August 8, 2011 at 4:03 pm

What do you mean add booze? You should have seen the tailgate party!

ManchuCandidate August 8, 2011 at 10:05 am

It'll be grand till the nutbags get the bill.

hollywooddood August 8, 2011 at 10:06 am

Dear God, please let the federal government give me stimulus cash equal to one-third of the Texas budget when I bankrupt the state. Again.

Thanks, Man.

Rick

BaldarTFlagass August 8, 2011 at 10:06 am

some of the faithful stood with arms held high in supplication, others danced trancelike in the aisles and still more lay spreadeagled on the floor.

Sounds like any rock festival I've ever attended.

Barrelhse August 8, 2011 at 11:40 am

When in doubt, twirl.

PuckStopsHere August 8, 2011 at 10:06 am

Not a success? Why, I heard there were 20,000 homosexual men there who were turned straight on account of The Lord. For an entire afternoon!

SpurningBeer August 8, 2011 at 10:06 am

At the Church of the Holy Bleachers, those anus sausages are called Snackraments.

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 11:12 am

Snackraments = WIN+++

freakishlywrong August 8, 2011 at 10:07 am

The fasting was less conspicuous: long queues formed at Prince’s Hamburgers, Tejas Nachos, Five Star Dogs and other fast-food stands inside the cavernous arena.
Really, that just about sums up this movement. (And the subsequent "movements" that were had on Sunday). Oy.

EatsBabyDingos August 8, 2011 at 10:07 am

Mark Hatfield he ain't.

Rosie_Scenario August 8, 2011 at 10:09 am

I'd like to hear more about the ones who "lay spreadeagled on the floor." Maybe not.

simplyblue7 August 8, 2011 at 10:10 am

By fasting they of course mean who can stuff their fat ass the the fastest.

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 10:54 am

Thought that was fisting.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Ouch!

baconzgood August 8, 2011 at 10:11 am

LET THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELL YOU….to donate.

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 10:11 am

It's strange to have a bunch of fundamentalist Christians praying to halt America's decline, when the best way to halt America's decline would be to get rid of all the fundamentalist Christians.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 10:48 am

That's what the Rapture is supposed to do for us — and I'm really pissed that it's been rescheduled again.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 12:32 pm

# WINNING

HolyCow!! August 8, 2011 at 10:12 am

Dear Texas,

There are no gods and you are bunch of suckers.

JustPixelz August 8, 2011 at 10:37 am

Maybe there is a loving God who gives us the capacity to laugh, love and sacrifice. But Texans are still a bunch of suckers.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 8, 2011 at 10:48 am

That loving God's got a few blots on His copybook, it must be pointed out.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 12:33 pm

"Maybe there is a loving God who gives us the capacity to laugh…"

Which is why we NEED Texass….

Nostrildamus August 8, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Cephalopod libel !!!

freakishlywrong August 8, 2011 at 10:12 am

And as fucking miserable as it's been in Tejas, I'd have gone to this shite-fest just to get some free gubbmint' air conditioning.

Geminisunmars August 8, 2011 at 10:25 am

Surely, there would be something else you could do less disgusting, like stab yourself in the eye with a hot poker, and then wait in the hospital ER waiting room.

freakishlywrong August 8, 2011 at 10:33 am

It might have been kind of fun to run around and do that Elaine Benes devil thing she used to do when was dating a fundy on Seinfeld.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 10:51 am

Hmmm…. makes me wonder what fraction of the crowd was there for the A/C and the burgers. No beer, but I bet people brought their own booze (which maybe explains some of the folks who ended up spread-eagled on the floor.)

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 11:00 am

No booze? Does that mean that they didn't even have their wine magically turned into their lord's blood? Come on, a prayer session isn't complete without the ritual drinking of Jesus' blood.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I don't think there were too many Catholics at this shindig. They're pretty much classified with the Jews and Muslins, as far as the Fundies are concerned.

Barrelhse August 8, 2011 at 11:43 am

Might be fun, if you dose 'em all with a little LSD while you're there. Heh.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Never, ever give LSD to a bunch of whiners…

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 2:14 pm

They're already seeing things and hearing voices, and otherwise divorced from reality … LSD wouldn't change things much.

Beowoof August 8, 2011 at 10:12 am

Hey I am sure there was lots of deep fried anus burgers and corn syrup drinks at this event and at the tailgate party, so America is now growing again.

unclejeems August 8, 2011 at 10:12 am

I have to think the noise those idiots made didn't reach to top of that stadium, with the air conditioning booming, the pigs squealing in the wings waiting to be slaughtered, and the constant toilet flushing of the saints of God. (Yes, even the redeemed have to take a crap once in a while.)

Anyway, I think this guy had the last word on the value of that event https://www.texasobserver.org/oped/five-scripture… .

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 10:27 am

(Yes, even the redeemed have to take a crap once in a while.)
brb

elviouslyqueer August 8, 2011 at 10:32 am

The assumption that Christianity and America are God’s two favorite things will be particularly ironic, as the prayer event falls on the anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima.

Ouch. MEOW, also.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 10:57 am

My favorite Bit o' Bible:

“I hate, I despise your religious festivals; your assemblies are a stench to me… Away with the noise of your songs!" (Amos 5:21-22)

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 11:14 am

Yeah, but what did Andy have to say about it?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 2:15 pm

"What he said!" (Andy 5:21)

mrblifil August 8, 2011 at 11:32 am

They're selective about which parts of the Bible they like. Just like they're selective about who they want to cruise in the highway rest stops.

DashboardBuddha August 8, 2011 at 11:40 am

Right on. Molly is smiling from whatever heaven she's hanging out in.

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 11:53 am

That op ed is pure awesome. Sent it to all my friends and posted for all my wingnut "friends" to bitch.

DahBoner August 8, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Jesus said LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.

OK, Teabaggers, go ahead and DISOBEY JESUS'S COMMANDMENT.

You have no shame and no guilt in doing so.

Y'all ain't nothing but pieces of shit that call yourselves "Christian"…

Steverino247 August 8, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Love your enemies, but make the black guy a one term President.

Doktor Zoom August 8, 2011 at 10:13 am

Then he will say to those on his left, "Depart from me, you accursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, it was over 100 degrees in the shade for three straight months and you let me suffer heat stroke because you had taken a no-new-taxes pledge.

Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me. You Kochsucker.

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 10:13 am

Did Goodhair re-purpose this event? I thought the original intent was to stop Texas from being burned to a crisp and blowing away due to no rain?

KeepFnThatChicken August 8, 2011 at 11:16 am

And that part failed too, apparently. Texas is still fuckin' there.

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Good ol' Texas–go east 'til ya smell it, then south 'til ya step in it…

ifthethunderdontgetya August 8, 2011 at 10:13 am

Look how well Rick's "pray away the drought" has worked.
~

Oblios_Cap August 8, 2011 at 10:17 am

Burn, baby, burn!

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 10:39 am

The state, the state, the state is on fire!
We don't need no water, let that motherfucker burn!

horsedreamer_1 August 8, 2011 at 11:28 am

Barack Obama adds, "I'm neither black like Barry White nor white like Frank Black is. Just think of me like Lenny Kravitz, minus the Yarmulke".

JustPixelz August 8, 2011 at 10:38 am

He wants to soak the rich! The socialist.

BlueMonkeh August 8, 2011 at 11:39 am

unl.edu – i know of this place

DerrickWildcat August 8, 2011 at 10:14 am

Most boring rave…ever!

samsuncle August 8, 2011 at 10:14 am

God has blessed Texas……..with wingnuts, assholes, and unscrupulous politicians.

Oblios_Cap August 8, 2011 at 10:17 am

few more Saturdays and tears and anus

Somehow, when I saw Rick Perry's name in the same paragraph, I read this as "anal tears".

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 10:30 am

Pronounced teers or tares? Heteronyms/homographs are hard!

Oblios_Cap August 8, 2011 at 10:35 am

Tares

Geminisunmars August 8, 2011 at 10:35 am

As in crying or ripping?

Oblios_Cap August 8, 2011 at 10:45 am

Ripping, from the anus sausages.

Gleem_McShineys August 8, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Or, from the spreadeagledness?

V572 Coif of Destiny August 8, 2011 at 10:50 am

Or as Bob Vanderplaatz referred to it in his very special marriage vow (signed by Miche1e Bachmann), "anal incontinence." This is a very important issue today!

metamarcisf August 8, 2011 at 10:18 am

Vis-a-vis the scene at Reliant Stadium on Saturday: No separation of Church and Steak there.

fuflans August 8, 2011 at 10:18 am

you know, if texas didn't have oil, it would be kansas with a port.

and we could fucking ignore it.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 11:01 am

There is a really strong, and really curious, correlation between oil under the ground and uber-religious asshats above it. I'd love to hear an explanation.

NorthStarSpanx August 8, 2011 at 11:45 am

All oil operation rough-necks and executives come from the same place, Oklahoma's, Texas, etc., which explains the uber-religious asshats in every oil producing State – like Alaska. Baby, we aren't born this way, it's imported.

Oil is the gateway for fundies.

BaldarTFlagass August 8, 2011 at 10:18 am

And the man at the front said
Everyone attack and it turned into a ballpark blitz
And the girl in the corner said
Boy, I wanna warn ya, it'll turn into a ballpark blitz
Ballpark blitz
Now the man in the back
Is ready to crack as he raises his hands to the sky
And the girl in the corner is ev'ryone's mourner
She could kill you with a wink of her eye
Oh, yeah, it was like lightning, everybody was frightening
And the music was soothing, and they all started grooving

It's it's a ballpark blitz, it's it's a ballpark blitz
It's it's a ballpark blitz, yeah, it's a ballpark blitz

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 11:07 am

Sweet!

comrad_darkness August 8, 2011 at 11:35 am

Man that takes me back. Where, I somehow can't remember, but the journey is nice anyway.

Barrelhse August 8, 2011 at 11:46 am

What key are we in?

baconzgood August 8, 2011 at 10:18 am

Is anyone on Wonkette from Tex-Ass because Baconz has a question: You guys voted for this chuckle head to be ironic right? Like when I went to the Fugazi show wearing a Hanson Brothers shirt.

BaldarTFlagass August 8, 2011 at 10:20 am

I voted for Kinky Friedman, to be ironic.

metamarcisf August 8, 2011 at 10:22 am

As a former Amarillo resident, yes, I agree with ironic. Like rain on your wedding day.

CalamityJames August 8, 2011 at 10:44 am

Hey, that's so weird, I wore a Fugazi shirt to a Hanson concert. Fucked up world we live in, huh Baconz?

fartknocker August 8, 2011 at 10:46 am

I've never voted for Rick. I didn't vote for Shrub either.

Rick Perry started as a Democrat, and then flipped to Republican when he was Secretary of Agriculture. When he ran for Lt. Governor in 1988, he won only with a 0.04% majority of the vote.

In that same election I voted for John Sharp, who also went to Texas A&M and graduated with a degree in Economics. John was one of our most effective State Comptrollers.

DerrickWildcat August 8, 2011 at 10:18 am

This is God's punishment to Texas for destroying the Big 12.

stewstew03 August 8, 2011 at 1:15 pm

bring back the SWC!

hagajim August 8, 2011 at 10:19 am

I guess I was under the wrong impression that the gheyz liked the anus sausages….isn't that the point?

Pragmatist2 August 8, 2011 at 10:19 am

Jesus doesn't know squat about economics.
Moses, on the other hand……

Rosie_Scenario August 8, 2011 at 10:34 am

Jesus saves, but Moses invests. Amirite?

Chillwaver August 8, 2011 at 10:20 am

"The fund, a big positive entry in the state comptroller’s ledger of the state’s fiscal condition, is now an essential tool in “balancing” the state’s budget."

You know who else is a fuckin' tool?

samsuncle August 8, 2011 at 10:35 am

Mr. Black N. Decker

elviouslyqueer August 8, 2011 at 10:35 am

Oooh, ooh, ooh! *raises hand and gesticulates frantically*

All of them, Katie?

/Arnold Horshack

Doktor Zoom August 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

Mr. Goodwrench?

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

Jude Law in A.I.?

horsedreamer_1 August 8, 2011 at 10:52 am

Tim "The Tool-Man" Taylor!

Mumbletypeg August 8, 2011 at 10:55 am

not sure.. but I think our Vise President would approve your salty language

ttommyunger August 8, 2011 at 10:20 am

Alt. Caption for photo: "Do I look Butch enough yet?"

EatsBabyDingos August 8, 2011 at 10:23 am

Caption: "Be vewwy vewwy qwiet. I'm hunting sheep. Heh heh heh heh heh."

Monsieur_Grumpe August 8, 2011 at 10:23 am

So Jesus was a no show? How disappointing.

Barrelhse August 8, 2011 at 11:49 am

Kinda like the upcoming MJ/Amy Winehouse concert.

starfanglednut August 8, 2011 at 10:24 am

Rick Perry's country western barbecue didn't create any jobs, and there were a lot of white people there!

And by barbecue, I mean the roasting of the elderly and poor.

DaRooster August 8, 2011 at 10:35 am

"…which blended Christian revivalism with hard-headed electoral campaigning."
So it really was a Sausage-Fest… bet them restrooms was busy.

horsedreamer_1 August 8, 2011 at 10:35 am

Prince's Hamburgers? I thought he served pancakes.

PubOption August 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

If he's a Jehovah's Witness, would he want to be associated with this event?

johnnymeatworth August 8, 2011 at 10:38 am

Didn't Jesus feed the five thousand with nachos?

El Pinche August 8, 2011 at 11:07 am

"And Jesus turned cow chips into Nachos then in turn gave to the poor Israelites." Book of Phallacs , chapter #2 .

Ken Cuccinelli August 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

"still more lay spreadeagled on the floor."

Planking: yr doin it rong

El Pinche August 8, 2011 at 10:45 am

We have left over half-eaten hotdogs and runny nachos, and gift certificates for Lowes for those elderly and disabled who suffered.

smitallica August 8, 2011 at 10:46 am

CNN said that Perry spoke to a "packed" Reliant stadium.

So now a stadium that is less than half full is "packed?" By that standard, I am incredibly "hung."

Biel_ze_Bubba August 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Must have used Faux News' crowd analysis system.

SaintRond August 8, 2011 at 10:49 am

God just killed one of Perry's biggest contributors this morning – Charles Wyly was hit by a SUV in Aspen and arrived in Hell this morning at 7:44 AM Hell Time.

Hey, you wanna see my wiener?

Mumbletypeg August 8, 2011 at 11:00 am

no, I wanted to see the links!

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 11:04 am

RIP–terrible waste of a Porsche…

El Pinche August 8, 2011 at 11:08 am

Dead Texan billionaire and GOP donor.. balances out with this morning's bad financial news.

AJWjr. August 8, 2011 at 11:16 am

I imagine his heirs are gonna be pretty vocal about repealing what's left of inheritance taxes.

CalamityJames August 8, 2011 at 10:49 am

Dear Rick Perry,

You think maybe a better expenditure of your time would be to run your state in a responsible, adult manner?

Yours truly,
Everyone who will giggle uncontrollably when you get your ass handed to you by Barrack Reagan Jr.

Beetagger August 8, 2011 at 10:55 am

Can we please split up into different countries now? Let the South do whatever the hell they want, as long as the rest of us don't have to give them foreign aid.

Guppy06 August 8, 2011 at 10:55 am

Food and air-conditioning during a mid-summer fast? What, were you expecting the penitent to actually suffer?

widestanceroman August 8, 2011 at 11:00 am

The AC was to prevent mass rendering of tons and tons of faith-based fat upon the Texan soil. Given the heat, a flash fire was a serious risk.

Guppy06 August 8, 2011 at 11:04 am

Aren't you supposed to burn the fat, though, as a sacrificial offering, or is that a little too Old Testament-y?

DashboardBuddha August 8, 2011 at 11:08 am

Adventures in douchebaggery: Cutting off a/c to the old and infirm. Seriously?

KeepFnThatChicken August 8, 2011 at 11:14 am

Hey, Rick: Reliant Stadium is a wee bit large for a fucking closet, ennit? Or did any of the religious people that attended… did they forgot that part of the bible?

user-of-owls August 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

"I'm gonna shoot that sin right outta my hair.

mrblifil August 8, 2011 at 11:28 am

Homophobes? Yeah, maybe. For now I'm just gonna go with "straight up racists."

Weenus299 August 8, 2011 at 11:32 am

The takeaway from my study of revival meetings, camp meetings, tent things-cum-political-things, is that people are batshit crazy without the devil alcohol, and that at least alcoholics have the possibility one day of sobering up.

donner_froh August 8, 2011 at 11:32 am

In February, the Perry-appointed Public Utility Commission voted to reduce aid distributed from the fund, allowing its corpus to grow ever bigger.

Sounds like the typical attendee at the prayer-a-thon: getting bigger and more bloated until it it needs a Nissa APX pallet truck to replace its smashed Hoveround.

mavenmaven August 8, 2011 at 11:54 am

Of course it didn't work, God doesn't like pig food, he said so himself.
And there were no bullocks nor frankincense nor myrrh offerings.

glamourdammerung August 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I was informed that Perry was using a teleprompter for his "prayer". I can only wait to see how many times Breitards have to mention it.

littlebigdaddy August 8, 2011 at 12:13 pm

You know who *else* had rallies for large, ecstatic crowds of sausage eaters?

102415 August 8, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Yes, I do.

horsedreamer_1 August 8, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Abe Froman?

SheriffRoscoe August 8, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Teabaggers fasting. Oh that's a good one. Burgers, hot dogs and nachos. I guess we need to redefine "fasting" as "not eating ice cream, cake and/or candy."

Gleem_McShineys August 8, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Just a quick trip over to the Wikipedia, a little typing, and bam, all fixed!

SheriffRoscoe August 8, 2011 at 12:30 pm

God looked down at the event and saw the earnestness of his children's supplications, dancing trance-like in the aisles, lying spread-eagled on the floors, fasting on nachos and burgers, and suffering the in the 65-degree heat of the air-conditioned stadium, and was all, "meh."

NickDanger007 August 8, 2011 at 12:51 pm

This reminds me of why I always agreed with Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman about Texas. "If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell."

102415 August 8, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Rick Perry and The Teabaggers.

stewstew03 August 8, 2011 at 1:15 pm

As is evident from the comments on this page, "left wing hate" is no different than "right wing hate."

Chet Kincaid August 8, 2011 at 1:19 pm

You know, I liked these white fundamentalists better in the '60s, when they were calling MLK Jr. a communist and saying preachers shouldn't be involved in politics.

SorosBot August 8, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Just as the NRA gun-loving rednecks (many of whom are the same) were against people arming themselves to protect against government oppression when they were the Black Panthers; even though with them the government oppression was not imaginary.

MiniMencken August 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Praying for God to save the USA on the anniversary of the USA's first use of a nuclear bomb on an unsuspecting civilian population. That'll work, on so many levels.

Sparky_McGruff August 8, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I've been to Houston in August. The only salvation is a plane ticket out and a shower when you get home.

proudgrampa August 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

"$650 million collected from Texas electricity consumers to assist poor elderly and disabled citizens with their utility bills sits idly in a state bank account"

Perry, there is a VERY warm place in hell for you, motherfucker.

MiniMencken August 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

If you ask a car salesperson what it means when a tired little sedan plastered with "John 13:16" bumper stickers, plastic adhesive fish symbols and a crucifix hanging from the rear view mirror parks in front of the dealership, they will tell you "BK." That's slang for a bankruptcy filing on the credit report (With an average amount of debt at the time bankruptcy protection was sought being around $8,000.oo, BTW). In my experience, the correllation ran at, oh, about 100%.

glamourdammerung August 8, 2011 at 4:38 pm

So why exactly did Perry need that many people and a teleprompter to pray that no one finds out about his love of cock again?

Negropolis August 8, 2011 at 11:23 pm

There are only few things in my life that I care less about than Rick Perry's Prayer Jamboree/Extravaganza. Joel Osteen preaches to 45,000 every single week in the former Compaq Center arena right there in Houston. Who gives a flying fuck about Rick Perry?

BETTING-on-BRYCE September 30, 2011 at 11:00 am

1. STOP TEXAS from transferring youth with GENETIC BRAIN DISORDER into ADULT PRISON by 2012.
2. NOTE: DA has another CANTU Case that follows her still, Ruben Cantu Innocent Executed.
3. 2010 was CAMPAIGN YEAR (R) District Attorney SUSAN D REED and NEW Judge LISA K JARRETT.
4. Minor Child Prisoner: Bryce Seton Vandergrift. Clemens Unit, 11034 hwy 36 Brazoria, TX. 77422
5. Case:2010-CR-5794B{D436}. TDC:01-66-1857 #08508535 PR: 90979792. Atty Anthony B Cantrell.
6. Arrested at age 15, on 12-31-2009 or 01-01-2010 DOB: 09-09-94 ht: 6 ft.3
7. Co Defendant: Nicholas Daniel Cantu. 01-65-8805 Tried Separately. Public defender James Wheat.
8. Capital Murder of Mr. Fred * CANTU * Jr. RIP "Much Respect" Before he died, Fred named NICK.
9. 30 yr <–Lie. Courts state lower sentences than what really is, because life w/o parole organizations
will consider assisting. DNA real or fabricated/planted, is being securely sealed for same reason.
10.The True Sentence, Transcripts, PLEA Agreement, warrant & JUVI medical records being WITHHELD.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: