Barry Hates Riding In Cars With Boys

  barry can you hear me?

I'M BACK, YOU SAUCY FUCKS!Greetings, liberal larvae! I hope you enjoyed your Dear Leader’s Most Sacred and Honorable Birthday Week in the appropriate fashion: prostrating yourself at the Virgin of Obamalupe altar you’ve built in the corner of your shack with colorful tin cans and wee little milagros depicting Michelle, Sasha and Malia with glorious halos. Other things happened this week besides the anniversary of the birth of your dusky-hued Christ, but it’s not like you care. So without further adieu ado (note: my Francophilic instincts got the best of me), let’s get into Office White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary’s weekly “Triumph of the Will” reboot, West Wing Week!

On Friday, Barry jive-talked at the country about debt negotiations. Using customary metaphors about dice games on streetcorners, he encouraged the nation to loot and destroy the homes of white Americans in order to convince them to call their representatives on the Twitter box. Then, he made some speech about fuel efficiency in front of a bunch of car makers. Dead Henry Ford chortled, “I loves me a Nazi in any color–as long as it’s black!” and high-fived Hitler in Democrat Heaven. Then Barack Obama welcomed four “democratically elected” (HA!) leaders from his home nation of Afrika. “Assalamu Alaikum, my brothers in destruction!” he shouted, and then they all played basketball and menaced Megyn Kelly with their eyes.

West Wing Week is silent about Saturday, which means there was murder.

On Sunday, the president held a news conference to announce a bisexual compromise to allow assholes to continue being assholes, economically speaking. Everyone’s dad got mad and yelled at the teevee. Some of the dads were mad at Barack; others were mad at Congress; others were delusional and thought they were watching a live satellite feed from Satan, in Hell (haha, not delusional at all, that is exactly what Barack Obama is.)

West Wing Week is silent about Monday, which means there was consensual fingerblasting, all day long.

On Tuesday, Barack watched votes happen on teevee, just like you did (nerds), and then talked at people. “Voters may have chosen divided government,” he said, “But they sure didn’t vote for dysfunctional government. Also, SUCK IT, GOD!” Then he pissed all over the actual Baby Jesus, because this is what he does, for funz.

Later Tuesday, Bill S-365 arrived at the White House and got stamped by Executive Clerk Timothy Saunders, who screamed, “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” Then everyone played hockey on the roof of the White House. After that, Staff Secretary Rajesh De brought the bill over to the president to be signed with the customary 18,000 pens. Barry wiped his ass with the bill and sent it off to wherever bills go after that.

Christ, Tuesday was busy. After all THAT, it was time to welcome The Space People! One of the Space Persons was Commander Mark Kelly, whose wife voted on the aforementioned bill and was featured in maybe the only time you have ever cried at C-SPAN since the president’s inaugural address, you progressive pussies. It is okay, your authoress did, too. (Incidentally, your authoress and Mark Kelly are represented by the same speakers’ bureau, even though one of them is a Professional Space Hero and the other one makes filthy jokes at the Ha-Ha Hut and types word salad on the Internets for a tuppence.)

On Wednesday, the preznit held a cabinet meeting to yell at everybody about the FAA negotiations Because FOX News has yet to invent a fear graphic and call it STALEMATE IN THE SKY!!!!111!!!! your kkkolumnista does not care. What she does care about is Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton’s excellent hair. It is Park Avenue blond, straight, and long-ish, with some tasteful highlights, and it is fabulous. Maybe thousands of FAA employees are out of work because Congress is golfing at Sandals in Cozumel, but HRC is OWNING those tresses.

On Thirsty Thursday, BIRTHDAY TIME! So much debauchery went down, but it has been covered elsewhere on this site by Blair, so you should go read that! The best part of West Wing Week comes at 6:05, where Arun customarily puts the blooper reel. This time, Barack makes a funny joke at the car manufacturing thing (remember earlier? In this column?) about how Malia is getting her learner’s permit in a few years and he hopes they invent ejector seats so he can keep boys out of the car. OH HA HA HA YES WE SHOULD RESTRICT THE FREEDUMBZ OF GOOD RED-BLOODED TEENAGE AMERICAN MALES AND INJURE THEM WITH CARS FOR FUNZ, YOU BLOODTHIRSTY SCOUNDREL.

Alright-a-rooney, leftist maggots. It’s the weekend and it’s time for freakin’, so your writer assumes you will be rutting and grunting in the mud like the socialist pigs you are, producing more porcine spawn to bleed the government coffers dry. Your gal will be compulsively Tweeting as per usual, and mayhaps even recording another episode of her sexytime podcast. If you are a mentally ill person (and let’s face it: you are), you may in particular enjoy this episode, which has nothing to do with politiks and much to do with why your own personal Maureen Dowd has maybe not been so present on this site of late as in months past. Consider this the first and last time I will ever apologize or explain myself to you subhumans. Have a funky weekend, America!

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

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