barry can you hear me?

Barry Hates Riding In Cars With Boys

I'M BACK, YOU SAUCY FUCKS!Greetings, liberal larvae! I hope you enjoyed your Dear Leader’s Most Sacred and Honorable Birthday Week in the appropriate fashion: prostrating yourself at the Virgin of Obamalupe altar you’ve built in the corner of your shack with colorful tin cans and wee little milagros depicting Michelle, Sasha and Malia with glorious halos. Other things happened this week besides the anniversary of the birth of your dusky-hued Christ, but it’s not like you care. So without further adieu ado (note: my Francophilic instincts got the best of me), let’s get into Office White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary’s weekly “Triumph of the Will” reboot, West Wing Week!

On Friday, Barry jive-talked at the country about debt negotiations. Using customary metaphors about dice games on streetcorners, he encouraged the nation to loot and destroy the homes of white Americans in order to convince them to call their representatives on the Twitter box. Then, he made some speech about fuel efficiency in front of a bunch of car makers. Dead Henry Ford chortled, “I loves me a Nazi in any color–as long as it’s black!” and high-fived Hitler in Democrat Heaven. Then Barack Obama welcomed four “democratically elected” (HA!) leaders from his home nation of Afrika. “Assalamu Alaikum, my brothers in destruction!” he shouted, and then they all played basketball and menaced Megyn Kelly with their eyes.

West Wing Week is silent about Saturday, which means there was murder.

On Sunday, the president held a news conference to announce a bisexual compromise to allow assholes to continue being assholes, economically speaking. Everyone’s dad got mad and yelled at the teevee. Some of the dads were mad at Barack; others were mad at Congress; others were delusional and thought they were watching a live satellite feed from Satan, in Hell (haha, not delusional at all, that is exactly what Barack Obama is.)

West Wing Week is silent about Monday, which means there was consensual fingerblasting, all day long.

On Tuesday, Barack watched votes happen on teevee, just like you did (nerds), and then talked at people. “Voters may have chosen divided government,” he said, “But they sure didn’t vote for dysfunctional government. Also, SUCK IT, GOD!” Then he pissed all over the actual Baby Jesus, because this is what he does, for funz.

Later Tuesday, Bill S-365 arrived at the White House and got stamped by Executive Clerk Timothy Saunders, who screamed, “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” Then everyone played hockey on the roof of the White House. After that, Staff Secretary Rajesh De brought the bill over to the president to be signed with the customary 18,000 pens. Barry wiped his ass with the bill and sent it off to wherever bills go after that.

Christ, Tuesday was busy. After all THAT, it was time to welcome The Space People! One of the Space Persons was Commander Mark Kelly, whose wife voted on the aforementioned bill and was featured in maybe the only time you have ever cried at C-SPAN since the president’s inaugural address, you progressive pussies. It is okay, your authoress did, too. (Incidentally, your authoress and Mark Kelly are represented by the same speakers’ bureau, even though one of them is a Professional Space Hero and the other one makes filthy jokes at the Ha-Ha Hut and types word salad on the Internets for a tuppence.)

On Wednesday, the preznit held a cabinet meeting to yell at everybody about the FAA negotiations Because FOX News has yet to invent a fear graphic and call it STALEMATE IN THE SKY!!!!111!!!! your kkkolumnista does not care. What she does care about is Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton’s excellent hair. It is Park Avenue blond, straight, and long-ish, with some tasteful highlights, and it is fabulous. Maybe thousands of FAA employees are out of work because Congress is golfing at Sandals in Cozumel, but HRC is OWNING those tresses.

On Thirsty Thursday, BIRTHDAY TIME! So much debauchery went down, but it has been covered elsewhere on this site by Blair, so you should go read that! The best part of West Wing Week comes at 6:05, where Arun customarily puts the blooper reel. This time, Barack makes a funny joke at the car manufacturing thing (remember earlier? In this column?) about how Malia is getting her learner’s permit in a few years and he hopes they invent ejector seats so he can keep boys out of the car. OH HA HA HA YES WE SHOULD RESTRICT THE FREEDUMBZ OF GOOD RED-BLOODED TEENAGE AMERICAN MALES AND INJURE THEM WITH CARS FOR FUNZ, YOU BLOODTHIRSTY SCOUNDREL.

Alright-a-rooney, leftist maggots. It’s the weekend and it’s time for freakin’, so your writer assumes you will be rutting and grunting in the mud like the socialist pigs you are, producing more porcine spawn to bleed the government coffers dry. Your gal will be compulsively Tweeting as per usual, and mayhaps even recording another episode of her sexytime podcast. If you are a mentally ill person (and let’s face it: you are), you may in particular enjoy this episode, which has nothing to do with politiks and much to do with why your own personal Maureen Dowd has maybe not been so present on this site of late as in months past. Consider this the first and last time I will ever apologize or explain myself to you subhumans. Have a funky weekend, America!

About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa
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174 comments

  1. littlebigdaddy

    I understand the car thing….Barry's just worried that African-Americans were much more likely to have nuclear families under slavery and all.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I hope that is not the same as the Hoo-Ha hut, to which teh wimmenz are banished when they are "unclean." Ladyparts do weird stuff that men's insurance premiums should not have to pay for.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        My Jewish ex-girlfriend told me about these. Given how cranky she was when she was having the painters in, I was wishing they had one nearby.

          1. PristinePantalones

            Dang, it's not like such an outrageously desirable lily needs any further gilding. The ladypeople, they haz a good ha-ha with this, yes?

      1. flamingpdog

        Saddleback College? Are you gonna drop over to one of the nearby Saddleback Churches to find Jesus with Pastor Rick?

      2. natoslug

        Your upcoming shows schedule has a typo. It appears someone accidentally typed "Saddleback College Mission Viejo, CA" when they obviously meant "Humboldt State University Arcata, CA"

      3. BaldarTFlagass

        Ooh, I may be able to swing Indianapolis, and travel on the government nickel to boot. Just have to come up with a good boondoggly reason to go up to my base in Kokomo/Peru, but I am very creative. Ha ha, suck it, taxpayers!

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    "he hopes they invent ejector seats so he can keep boys out of the car."

    The president should get in touch with Q over in MI-6, I think he's got a slightly used Aston Martin DB-4 that he can pick up cheap.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Some fighter jets that prolly have this technology are just sitting on a runway somewhere.

  3. MissusBarry

    As I understand you are actually a human, rather than some kind of interwebs-insult-bot, may I say I'm glad for the thorough beat down of my self-worth and sexy Barack stories that so brighten my Fridays. If you'll excuse me, I have rutting to do with MisterBarry, who will actually bang me (unlike a certain presnit who's only into FLOTUS).

    Sans snark, I hope you're feeling better, Ms. Benincasa.

      1. PristinePantalones

        I think she's tired from chaining RWNJs to the stove and then beating them to a bloody pulp with their own chains.

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      Ken wants me to be nice so you won't cry like the fucking teary-eyed monsters you are.

      1. PristinePantalones

        Only because he's already ass-fucked us into sobbing misery. You're the good cop in this scenario, aint'cha?

      2. BaldarTFlagass

        That's better! It's difficult to cry and fap at the same time. Especially in a cubicle farm. But I'm home now.

    2. neiltheblaze

      I don't know – she did call us "larvae" and "maggots" – which I guess are the same thing – and subhuman – so, I'm good.

  4. Doktor Zoom

    "Then he pissed all over the actual Baby Jesus, because this is what he does, for funz."

    Thanks to my having finally seen Troll 2 earlier this week, I can say with all sincerity, You don't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!

  5. OC_Surf_Serf

    Barry: The leather runs smooth on the passenger seat…

    Fellow leftist maggots: Drink well and drink often.

      1. flamingpdog

        I buy my hobo beans in the large industrial-sized can from Costco, and punch out holes for the arms and legs when I need to refresh my wardrobe.

        And I use bootstraps, not suspenders, to hold it up.

  6. Crank_Tango

    You know who else had a 50th birthday while war raged on two fronts and his generals conspired against him…

  7. Come here a minute

    Incidentally, your authoress and Mark Kelly are represented by the same speakers’ bureau.

    Hmmm, which one shall I request for my corporate motivational bonding retreat/sex party?

      1. MissusBarry

        Fuck, you're right, but I think we might be ok for 2016. Sometimes actually caring what the Constitution says (the real one, not the fake Jeebus one) can suck.

      1. vodkamuppet

        I was drunk and if It had happened in New Mexico it wouldn't even have counted. After college totally counts though.

      2. V572 Coif of Destiny

        I was experimenting, I tell you. Double-blind trials with control groups, I swear. Just like that acid I experimented with, too.

        1. MissusBarry

          Sadly, me. Can't help wondering if I missed out. Maybe that's why I hit on LimeyLizzie.

          1. PristinePantalones

            Well, get on with it! I want a ringside seat. And I have seen her pussy, and let me tellya. That is one good-looking pussy.

          2. PristinePantalones

            You'll have to ask Limeylizzie herself. She was very kind to oblige me the first time around. God, what a gorgeous pussy.

          3. MissusBarry

            I always wonder if I know any of the wonkeratti outside our splendid virtual sanctuary, but would venture a guess I haven't seen any of their genitals. Could be wrong.

  8. VespulaMaculata

    It's like that Seinfeld episode where George can't stop obsessing on the woman who so openly dislikes him. The more she hates him, the more attracted he gets. I'd let Benincasa walk on me with golf shoes.

    1. PristinePantalones

      She probably goes in for spike-heeled boots, in preference. Long black leather boots ending just above her charming knees, revealing muscular, long, bare, tanned thighs … BRB.

  9. CrunchyKnee

    I don't always fap to a Wonkett posting, but when I do it is a Benincasa Wonkett post. Stay thirsty, my friends.

  10. orygoon

    How does this ejector seat work, as in knowing which passengers are wrong-gendered? Does it sniff, or feel up, the crotch parts? And if it is the latter, does it feel nice to the right-gendered persons?

    1. Beowoof

      A hard on detector, as a father of daughters something I have thought was necessary, with an alert sent to dad everytime the little bundle of hormones with feet gets one.

  11. Barb

    Sara, if you are in town you and I should do this together: http://www.rt66casino.com/node/1256
    This is one of the 3 casinos my husband is a corporate business executive for. We could get some navy blue, wraparound dresses and have our picture taken with Bill. Or we could go total SHOWGIRL. Let me know so I can start bidding on feathers and sequins over at E-Bay.

    1. Barb

      Holy shit! I read read the bio on this link and it addresses HRC as "secretary" and not Secretary of State, LOL. Read it fast before they fix it. I just called them.

      "President Clinton was born on August 19, 1946, in Hope, Arkansas. He and his wife Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton have one daughter, Chelsea, and live in Chappaqua, New York."

      1. Barb

        WeeJee, I have a signed cow bell from Blue Oyster Cult. I love when the geezers come by. The guys from "Pawn Stars" will be there next week. Chum Lee!

      2. pdiddycornchips

        It is an odd venue for a rock star from mars Ex President. One wonders where Hopey will be a decade after his White House days are over. I'm thinking Adjunct
        Professor at some Chicagoland community college.

          1. weejee

            Agreed. My guess is Barry & our beloved FLOTUS will chill in DC until Shasha is off to college. Then I'd expect something more along the lines of the Carters for retirement for the two of them – something heavy to continued public service, and less to lecture fees.

        1. flamingpdog

          Uh, um I'm thinking more along the lines of Professor of Putting His Feet Up on the Desk and Smoking a Stogie at the Carlyle Group Community College for 52 megadollars a year.

          1. DustBowlBlues

            You left out the auf–whatever German word –no. Clever prommie–you were doing the closing line.

            Today I said I didn't want anything crass or crappy. Drove me nuts until I remembered the rest of the line–Nothing crass or crappy, that would make me very happy.

          2. prommie

            Its actually from "See You In September," I am only vaguely aware of The Sound of Music, which is younger, I think.

    2. SaraJBenincasa

      OMG WHY IS THIS THE BEST THING EVER. Do you understand that if I were in town (I'll be in New Orleans) I would so be there? Also I used to teach high school in Las Cruces, FACT.

      1. BTWBFDIMHO

        You are from New Mexico? I hope to be back in Santa Fe by Xmas. Farolitos in Canyon Road!

  12. fartknocker

    Thanks Sara. I feel so much better. I guess I'll take off now and go to the 7-11 and pick up a 10 pound sack of ice to go with my Jack Daniels. It's 0:bar 30 somewhere in the world.

  13. slithytoves

    Barry wiped his ass with the bill and sent it off to wherever bills go after that.

    This pretty much sums up all my feelings about U.S. politics. Many thanks!

  14. V572 Coif of Destiny

    Ah, Sara, now the weekend can properly begin because you have conferred your blessing on the wine I was having "with" lunch, anyway. A thousand thank yous.

  15. SilverTsunami

    How did you know about my Obamalupe shrine? There are details there you could not have made up. Are you *watching* me?

    1. jus_wonderin

      I sold Tuppence when I was temporarily out of work. And, don't you hate, when at work, someone leaves a Tuppence in the office fridge for 5 months???

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        True story… I was working in a hospital lab between college and grad school. Someone was cleaning out the lunch fridge (not the specimen fridge in the path lab) and there was one of those tiny little tupperware containers which held about 2 tablespoons of something. It appeared to be empty. After sitting on the table in the break room for about 45 minutes, the top BLEW off and sailed about 8 feet in the air. It released the most noxious stench imaginable. I like to think that this is the malign spirit which infected the current tea party.

  16. scionkirk

    Do you do out calls? That post made me feel kinda randy, it was exactly what a bad liberal like me deserved.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    It’s the weekend and it’s time for freakin’, so your writer assumes you will be rutting and grunting in the mud like the socialist pigs you are, producing more porcine spawn to bleed the government coffers dry.

    After last weekend's rutting and grunting I got a bad case of ticks (the teeny tiny ones) so I might be practicing birth control indoors this time. No fetii are planned, expressly to infuriate the Santorum Jelly Co.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I certainly hope not — I've had a tick-free summer up until this weekend, but now I've got a reason to insist on my annual Lyme test — it helps me practice overruling my doctor when he says it's probably not necessary. While I enjoy most forms of self-destructive behavior, I draw the line at insidious autoimmune conditions.

  18. vodkamuppet

    I for one plan on getting drunk and grilling tonight. I love grilling so much, I do it every weekend because I haven't had electricity since May because I'm poor love the fresh air and hanging out on my deck. Have any wonketteers really tried hobo beens? Try them with cumin, delicious.

  19. PristinePantalones

    Nothing like a dose of Sara Benincasa to make the weekend anticipatably fappy. When will you address us correctly as the hind leg of the capitalist running-dog, Sara Benincasa?

    1. PristinePantalones

      Friend's teenage daughter, upon being told she was not going to the prom, responded with, "How would you like it if I turned out to be a lesbian?" Mom's immediate comeback: "Great! I won't have to worry about you getting pregnant!" Barry might actually prefer it.

  20. MiniMencken

    You painted Jezebel! You call that abuse, you sniveling, coffee-nosed, malodorus pervert? I feel utterly, insufficiently abused by you this week! Now, earn your keep and get to coining phrases such as "filthy hamsters."

    1. jus_wonderin

      "ferrets of the apocalypse"?

      Hey, I am going to start a band and use that name. Is David Cassidy available?

  21. Tommmcatt

    Is a fingerblast anything like a fingerbang? Explain slowly and in detail, please. With an illustrative story, perhaps.

    1. nappyduggs

      Maybe Ms. B can back me up on this, but I think a fingerblast is simply a fingerbang with the addition of blowing on the, uh, element with alternating puffs of hot and cool air. Or maybe it is a horrible ice milk desert offered over at the Tastee-Freeze, who knows.

        1. nappyduggs

          A cinnamon-flavored hard candy pre-coitus ought to do it. Please to not be placing the hot peppers on the nooknook!! Though, the ice cubes are always a fine idea.

          1. Tommmcatt

            I used to do the ice cube thing with boys, back in my wild club kid days. They loved it, particularly when rolling on XTC.

            I imagine you don't want to know the exact particulars, however.

  22. DustBowlBlues

    Wait a minute–how did Sara know we're liberals? Can she read our dirty little left wing minds, or something?

  23. BTWBFDIMHO

    My own personal Maureen Dowd? No, please. In my wet dreams you always appear as my personal Sofía Margarita Vergara.

    1. nappyduggs

      Sweet Jesus, that woman is F-I-N-E. I haven't turned on the AC part of my AC/DC in years, but I would drink her bath agua.

  24. TheSheriffsNear

    Yay! Ms. Sassy McPottymouth is back. Just when I was starting to work through my abandonment issues.

  25. WinterOuthouse

    There is no pursing of pleasure people. Santorum has spoken and you have lost that right. No pleasuring yourself! No reading Sara.

  26. GhostBuggy

    It never even crossed my mind to be into abuse and humiliation, but with every (now rare) visit from our interwebz dominatrix, I'm pretty sure some kind of weird spark has ignited. How will I explain this to the wife?

    A: While asking to be slapped, is how, I guess.

  27. lulzmonger

    Welcome back! Your podcast rules the waves like Brittania.

    I aspire to one day be promoted to liberal pupa. Soon, soon.

Comments are closed.