Another Teevee Comedian Who Is Not Donald Trump Running For President

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Comedy lady Roseanne Barr announced that she is running for president, because if Sarah Palin can hint for months on end that she is running for president in order to promote her various personal projects for profit, then so can a comedian who shills macadamia nuts on her teevee show. Good a reason as any, we guess.

[MSNBC]

 
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{ 145 comments }

Barb August 5, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Who the hell isn't running for President?

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Jerry Lewis?

LetUsBray August 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Hitler?

ifthethunderdontgetya August 5, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Damnit!one@!!!!

Mumbletypeg August 5, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Those with the caliber of candidate we wish we had. Instead we have to deal with the ones we {insert clothespin on nose} have.

SexySmurf August 5, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Judging from that Satan Sandwich he just signed, I'm guessing Obama.

weejee August 5, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Ken Layne?

JustPixelz August 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I think it's fair to say Mitt Romney is ambling, rather than running.

Crank_Tango August 5, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Barack Obama? Not to win the dem vote, anyway.

proudgrampa August 5, 2011 at 1:15 pm

proudgrampa?

There is not enough money on the planet for me to want that job…

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 1:16 pm

That girl Glenn Beck raped and murdered?

flamingpdog August 5, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Joe Walsh?

Pat_Pending August 5, 2011 at 2:29 pm

The rest of The Eagles?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 5, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Rick Santorum. I mean, really now.

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Me. But I am accepting donations. Pls send check or money order only.

Swampgas_Man August 5, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I'm forming an exploratory committee; mostly exploring the inside of my nose, w/ a moistened forefinger.

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Which party is she running with?

Callyson August 5, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Apparently, neither. In the clip, she says "They both suck."

Crank_Tango August 5, 2011 at 1:00 pm

well she's right about that!

Barb August 5, 2011 at 12:16 pm

They can't lower the Barr any further now. Let's all run for President! Who wants to be my Veep?

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I'm in. What's our platform?

Barb August 5, 2011 at 12:28 pm

We don't need a platform. We do the usual thing and the second we win we go straight into campaign mode again. Forget any policies that we spoke of before the election. Our voters turn the double sided t-shirt inside out and it says "Barb 2016"

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 12:30 pm

So we just copy His Hopiness' play book?

JustPixelz August 5, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I've already set up a phony company to channel untraceable millions into your campaign coffers. Um … do you have coffers yet?

Barb August 5, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Just Pixels, make sure that the company is based in Delaware. You can get away with anything there.

whiterabid August 5, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Like being a witch?

Pat_Pending August 5, 2011 at 2:31 pm

right… uh, what's a 'coffer'?

Beowoof August 5, 2011 at 3:09 pm

A heavy smoker?

spinozasgod August 5, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Gotta think of a good PAC name…..

SayItWithWookies August 5, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Reduce America to Tears — or RATPAC.

emmelemm August 5, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Nice.

flamingpdog August 5, 2011 at 1:23 pm

SNARKPAC® ?

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Fudgepac?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 5, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Romney already has that one, I'm pretty sure.

Steverino247 August 5, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Since I've already been accused of feeling up Barb, I guess I'm out.

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm

How does one do that digitally?

(get it?)

Limeylizzie August 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

You and me Baby…unbeatable, 'Vote Tall, Tan and Tits"

Steverino247 August 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

With my experience as the President of the Creeping Sharia Horticultural Society, my I nominate myself for Secretary of Agriculture?

I'd ask to be in charge of FEMA, but I don't know shit about quarter horses, really.

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 4:03 pm

How about halves? Can you do halves?

jjdaddyo August 5, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I'm sure Roseanne would match her nuts up against any candidate's the Republican party has fielded to date.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 5, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Roseanne would match her nuts up against any candidates the Republican party has fielded to date.

Fixed. (No apostrophe when pluralizing.)

flamingpdog August 5, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Was your mother an English teacher, too, also?

jjdaddyo August 5, 2011 at 2:02 pm

…actually I was saying that Roseanne would match her nuts up against any Republican's nuts, so the apostrophe was noting the possession said nuts by the Republican candidate(s). So I believe the apostrophe was correct.
DUELING STRUNK AND WHITES AT DAWN!

FlownOver August 6, 2011 at 12:23 am

Strunkadelic!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 6, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Too subtle a joke, I guess.

metamarcisf August 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Look for Roseanne Barr and Lady Gaga to star in the upcoming Casey Anthony Story, based on the insufferable Oscar-contender, "The Tree of Life".

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 4:04 pm

But will Terrence Malik direct?

Mumbletypeg August 5, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Pat Paulsen wept.

EatsBabyDingos August 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Beat me!

Beowoof August 5, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Roseanne is the Pat Paulsen for a new millenium.

Swampgas_Man August 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm

As did Snoopy, Winnie the Pooh, Pogo and other cartoon characters. How can they keep up?

Neoyorquino August 8, 2011 at 1:50 am

I loved his slogan – "Pat Paulsen for President–He's Gotta Sleep Somewhere"

SorosBot August 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

But in the end, it'll turn out the whole ridiculous running-for-President thing was really just a part of a novel Roseanne was writing to deal with the fact that her husband actually died a year ago.

Come here a minute August 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

This is almost as stupid as another Nader campaign making the news.

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Roseanne has more credibility than Nadir.

weejee August 5, 2011 at 12:57 pm

She may have problems with the Mittens/Huntsman fellow travelers having referred to them in the past as "the Nazi Amish."

GuanoFaucet August 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Barring a miracle, Roseanne has little chance of winning the presidency.

JustPixelz August 5, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I said that about Dubya! My exact words were "How can an intellectually limited business failure with no discernable skills except cocaine consumption ever get elected?" And, as I recall, I then said "I will hate him with a seething passion rooted in his betrayal of America's ideals." At least, that's the way I remember it.

Negropolis August 5, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Newt Gingrich doesn't either, but that big stupid-head keeps on going.

Goonemeritus August 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I don’t think she is weird enough for the Republican primary voters nor is she non controversial enough for the Democrats.

LetUsBray August 5, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Good point. In establishing her Republican bona fides, the first question that needs to be asked is: How much time has she spent in the company of dead fetus relatives?

donner_froh August 5, 2011 at 12:27 pm

A Roseanne Barr vs. Sarah Palin cage match–an event I would pay not to see.

JustPixelz August 5, 2011 at 1:01 pm

I've already clawed my own eyes out (again!) at the prospect.

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Which would happen first: Palin crying or quitting?

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I like Roseanne, and she does not tolerate whiners, so I imagine she will thrash PayLess black 'n blue first and then let her cry and quit.

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I'm picturing Rosie with Palin in a leg hold, while Rosie fairly farms Palin for tears.

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Knowing Rosie, she will lick them up in public while bwa-ha-haing and screaming, "I love the taste of your salty tears! MOAR!!"

GeorgiaBurning August 5, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Reminds me how much I miss "Celebrity Deathmatch"

DoktorThompson August 5, 2011 at 6:23 pm

TWO HAGS ENTER
ONE HAG LEAVES
TWO HAGS ENTER
ONE HAG LEAVES
&c.

Callyson August 5, 2011 at 12:28 pm

She seems to want to liven up the debates…let's get her a baseball, shall we?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 5, 2011 at 12:55 pm

You mean a baseball bat?

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I'd vote for the guy who played her husband on TV. Mark it (D), Dude!!!

gurukalehuru August 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

He did a pretty good job as the king of England, so why the fuck not.

bureaucrap August 5, 2011 at 12:30 pm

(still waiting for Jon Stewart…)

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Or Colbert.

Grief_Lessons August 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm

In their hearts they'd have to balance the comedy potential against the fact that they might actually win.

flamingpdog August 5, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I could really get into Colbert making fun of Preznit Stewart every night (Mon-Thurs, that is) on the TeeVee.

Negropolis August 5, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Stewart lost major point in my book when he refused (and continues to do so) to take a side in that big-ass march he lead on Washington that seemed to have had absolutely no effect on the midterms the next day. He will swear up and down that he didn't do it for votes, but he's bald-faced lying. He chickened out and got egg all over his face with that bullshit stunt he pulled.

Civility as an end in itself is for the birds; truth – the hard truth – is what this nation needs.

KenLayIsAlive August 8, 2011 at 9:38 pm

exactly

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Isn't it supposed to be "comedienne" when the person in question is a female of the species?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 5, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Yeah, so?

freakishlywrong August 5, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Loose meat sandwiches for everyone!

natoslug August 5, 2011 at 12:44 pm

That voice . . . Fran Drescher should run as her VP. The debates would be such a pleasure to listen to.

freakishlywrong August 5, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Sorry. Palin/Bachmann would out-shrill that ticket by a mile.

DoktorThompson August 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm

/pre-emptive self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head

mavenmaven August 5, 2011 at 12:50 pm

She'd do a better job than Trump, Palin, or Bachmann, and would probably lead to less worldwide death than the latter.

metamarcisf August 5, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Imagine a Drescher – Palin debate with the sound turned up. There wouldn't be a fleck of paint left on any wall in the land.

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Egads, man. I'd rather stick red-hot knitting needles in my ears.

To make it worse, add in Geraldine Ferraro as moderator, but she's dead.

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Nothing wrong with that. The dead are a very overlooked constituency.

Negropolis August 5, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Not in Chicago. Well, at least not the old Chicago.

Rotundo_ August 5, 2011 at 1:02 pm

And imagine the hordes descending on every ER in the country with icepicks, skewers (and anything else sharp and pointy to kill the sound) embedded in their eardrums. Hearing aid sales for the win!

Ducksworthy August 5, 2011 at 1:01 pm

As Tom Arnold said at the time of their wedding, this is Amurika greatest fear. White trash with money.

JustPixelz August 5, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Sarah Palin's™ autographed mannequin head is also running. http://wonkette.com/417285/sarah-palin-signs-mann

Steverino247 August 5, 2011 at 1:06 pm

As Tom Arnold also asked, "What kind of sick, fucking bitch takes the ice cube trays." I sense that was based on real-life and not in the script…

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 1:22 pm

That ice cube tray meme was actually stolen from the novel "Gorky Park" by Martin Cruz Smith. Arkady Renko's wife left him, cleaning out the bank account and cleaning out the apartment, including the ice cube trays.

Steverino247 August 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm

The Chair stands corrected and thanks the gentleman from wherever he is.

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 1:30 pm

It's an awesome book and part of the Permanent Collection at the Flagass Library of Highbrow Literature and Lowlife Pornography. Highly recommended. Should be able to find it in hardbound for a buck-fiddy in any worthwhile used book store.

Beowoof August 5, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Polar Star and Red Square in the Renko series are also awesome. Love Smith's work in these books. There are more I need to get to.

nappyduggs August 5, 2011 at 1:09 pm

A Mormon Jew who was raised in a trailer park. Mittens' confusion boner will be just HUGE over this one.

Steverino247 August 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm

If elected, will Roseanne grab her crotch and spit at the Tomb of the Unknowns every Memorial Day?

In other words, I can guarantee you she will receive ZERO votes in San Diego.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 5, 2011 at 1:17 pm

What to do when you hear your fame clock ticking down toward zero?
Used to be getting drunk in public, then came sextapes. Now, it's running for political office.

Come to think of it, I'm relieved that she's taking the modern approach.

proudgrampa August 5, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Actually, not a bad idea. She can sing the National Anthem at whatever games she attends, and save the teams some money.

weejee August 5, 2011 at 1:19 pm

She may have problems with the Mittens/Huntsman fellow travelers having in the past referred to the Mormons as "the Nazi Amish."

ifthethunderdontgetya August 5, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I have a small bit of good news, and can't we all use some?

UPDATE 3-No respite in sight as Kaplan woes dog Washington Post

Fri Aug 5, 2011 12:30pm EDT

* Q2 EPS cont. ops $5.92 vs est $5.87

* Q2 rev $1.07 bln vs est $1.09 bln

* Sees lower operating income from Kaplan Higher Education for rest of 2011

* Sees declining student enrollments, signals further restructuring at Kaplan

P.S. I grew up in Washington, D.C. I remember when the War Criminal Post was a good newspaper. Thanks for nothing, Donald Graham, and have a nice plate of salted rat dicks.
~

flamingpdog August 5, 2011 at 2:02 pm

We can all pray that one of these days he gets his tit caught in a wringer .

mrblifil August 5, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Fortunately the iPad came along just in time for him to fire everybody related to paper print production! Win/Win!

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 4:11 pm

It can beez heavily salted rat dicks pleez?

SayItWithWookies August 5, 2011 at 1:21 pm

If she promises to do for the country what she did for the national anthem, then — she's still better than the entire Republican nominee horse race.

flamingpdog August 5, 2011 at 1:31 pm

As long as Obama was selecting the "Reverend" Hagee to give the invocation at his inaugural, I always wondered why he didn't go ahead and ask Roseanne to sing the Star-Spangled Banner.

gurukalehuru August 5, 2011 at 1:36 pm

…and Tom Arnold for vice! Seriously, Tom Arnold is good at vice.

Negropolis August 5, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Tom Arnold is a moving violation of vice.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 5, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Well, Rosanne is much more qualified than Palin. Heck, she waited, what, eight years to quit her show.

Doktor Zoom August 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm

And really, that was only two years after it jumped the shark. So, hey, still doing better than most teevee.

Arken August 5, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I don't think Roseanne runs anywhere.

flamingpdog August 5, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Barr/Huckabee/2012. Lightly-larded laughter for everyone!

littlebigdaddy August 5, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I look forward to seeing the White House redecorated with shag carpet and sectional sofas.

Doktor Zoom August 5, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Well, OK, as long as Laurie Metcalf gets to be Secretary of Ganja

mrblifil August 5, 2011 at 3:29 pm

The comments to that clip demonstrate everything that's wrong about our culture…

Pat_Pending August 5, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Today, we are ALL presidential candidates…

scionkirk August 5, 2011 at 3:01 pm

No

LettucePrey August 5, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I demand to see her girth certificate.

Beowoof August 5, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Will she sing the national anthem at her ignauguration?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls1YVhcLD2c

prommie August 5, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I love her. Hey, that is one cool level of self-awareness and self-deprecation when she knows that she is insulting Sarah Palin by comparing herself to Sarah Palin. That is very very cool. Probably decided to do it solely in order to mock Palin.

bagofmice August 9, 2011 at 5:16 am

If you're going to put that much Palin onto a webpage, could at least add in some hookworms? Those google spiders might be smart, but they still bring the Santorum.

Swampgas_Man August 5, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Pogo, Snoopy and Winnie the Pooh weep, for real cartoon characters can no longer keep up.

prommie August 5, 2011 at 4:19 pm

And her show was the only show ever to realistically and respectfully portray the real lives of working people. My family, my house, it wasn't The Brady Bunch, it wasn't the wonder years, though it was that exact time, it was Roseanne.

SpurningBeer August 5, 2011 at 8:20 pm

"A friend of mine said, 'Roseanne, you know, you're not very feminine.' So I said, 'Suck my dick.'"

Negropolis August 5, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Can I just say that I like Roseanne, and at this given moment, that she couldn't possibly do worse than any others running for president, right now? She's gotten political since the Bush years, and I find myself agreeing with her more often than not.

calibrit August 8, 2011 at 11:50 am

Wow, wouldn't it be so much worse than what we have, to have Roseanne Barr as president, Jon Stewart as veep, and Al Franken as a senator or something?

Who's president in the year nineteen eighty-five?"
"Ronald Reagan."
"The
actor??

Troglodeity August 9, 2011 at 12:57 am

Wow, Michelle Bachmann's really let herself go.

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I'd like to be Secretary of Clever Ripostes, but there are too many more-qualified candidates here in Wonkland.

not that Dewey August 5, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I call dibs on the position that has to sit out the entire presidency while an intransigent teabagger-controlled congress refuses to hold nomination hearings.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Is there a Cabinet position for Secretary of Dopeslapping? That's the one I want.

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 12:55 pm

How much does that pay?

not that Dewey August 5, 2011 at 1:06 pm

D'OH!

SayItWithWookies August 5, 2011 at 1:16 pm

So it's just like being an FAA inspector.

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Lots of competition for that post.

Lascauxcaveman August 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I'm signing up for an undersecretary in the Department of Beer.

The Secretary of Beer would be a little too high profile for me, and may actually involve some responsibility, so undersecretary sounds about right.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 5, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I'll gladly be in charge of Agriculture…, well, greenery. Hell, pot.

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 1:55 pm

That's what I figured, but I never pass up an opportunity to post the word "fudgepack."

*high fives self*
Score! Did it again!!

Pat_Pending August 5, 2011 at 2:31 pm

heh-heh… you said 'fudgepack'

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

The last three Renko books haven't been up to the level of those first three. The fourth, Havana Bay, is pretty good. I still re-read Stallion Gate and Rose every couple of years…

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Oh, now, I take exception to that comment. I really do.

PristinePantalones August 5, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Will you be my lawyer?

KenLayIsAlive August 8, 2011 at 9:37 pm

He needs a miracle and some disaster that leaves him the last living candidate. Or would that also be a miracle?

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