probably the best candidate we've heard of so far

Another Teevee Comedian Who Is Not Donald Trump Running For President

Comedy lady Roseanne Barr announced that she is running for president, because if Sarah Palin can hint for months on end that she is running for president in order to promote her various personal projects for profit, then so can a comedian who shills macadamia nuts on her teevee show. Good a reason as any, we guess.

[MSNBC]

Comments

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  • Barb

    Who the hell isn't running for President?

    • nounverb911

      Jerry Lewis?

    • LetUsBray

      Hitler?

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        Damnit!one@!!!!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Those with the caliber of candidate we wish we had. Instead we have to deal with the ones we {insert clothespin on nose} have.

    • SexySmurf

      Judging from that Satan Sandwich he just signed, I'm guessing Obama.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Ken Layne?

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      I think it's fair to say Mitt Romney is ambling, rather than running.

    • Crank_Tango

      Barack Obama? Not to win the dem vote, anyway.

    • proudgrampa

      proudgrampa?

      There is not enough money on the planet for me to want that job…

    • widestanceroman

      That girl Glenn Beck raped and murdered?

    • flamingpdog

      Joe Walsh?

      • Pat_Pending

        The rest of The Eagles?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Rick Santorum. I mean, really now.

    • PristinePantalones

      Me. But I am accepting donations. Pls send check or money order only.

    • Swampgas_Man

      I'm forming an exploratory committee; mostly exploring the inside of my nose, w/ a moistened forefinger.

  • nounverb911

    Which party is she running with?

    • Callyson

      Apparently, neither. In the clip, she says "They both suck."

      • Crank_Tango

        well she's right about that!

  • Barb

    They can't lower the Barr any further now. Let's all run for President! Who wants to be my Veep?

    • nounverb911

      I'm in. What's our platform?

      • Barb

        We don't need a platform. We do the usual thing and the second we win we go straight into campaign mode again. Forget any policies that we spoke of before the election. Our voters turn the double sided t-shirt inside out and it says "Barb 2016"

        • nounverb911

          So we just copy His Hopiness' play book?

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        I've already set up a phony company to channel untraceable millions into your campaign coffers. Um … do you have coffers yet?

        • Barb

          Just Pixels, make sure that the company is based in Delaware. You can get away with anything there.

          • whiterabid

            Like being a witch?

          • PristinePantalones

            Oh, now, I take exception to that comment. I really do.

        • Pat_Pending

          right… uh, what's a 'coffer'?

          • Beowoof

            A heavy smoker?

    • spinozasgod

      Gotta think of a good PAC name…..

      • SayItWithWookies

        Reduce America to Tears — or RATPAC.

        • emmelemm

          Nice.

      • flamingpdog

        SNARKPAC® ?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Fudgepac?

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Romney already has that one, I'm pretty sure.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            That's what I figured, but I never pass up an opportunity to post the word "fudgepack."

            *high fives self*
            Score! Did it again!!

          • Pat_Pending

            heh-heh… you said 'fudgepack'

    • Steverino247

      Since I've already been accused of feeling up Barb, I guess I'm out.

      • widestanceroman

        How does one do that digitally?

        (get it?)

    • Limeylizzie

      You and me Baby…unbeatable, 'Vote Tall, Tan and Tits"

    • Steverino247

      With my experience as the President of the Creeping Sharia Horticultural Society, my I nominate myself for Secretary of Agriculture?

      I'd ask to be in charge of FEMA, but I don't know shit about quarter horses, really.

      • PristinePantalones

        How about halves? Can you do halves?

  • jjdaddyo

    I'm sure Roseanne would match her nuts up against any candidate's the Republican party has fielded to date.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Roseanne would match her nuts up against any candidates the Republican party has fielded to date.

      Fixed. (No apostrophe when pluralizing.)

      • flamingpdog

        Was your mother an English teacher, too, also?

      • jjdaddyo

        …actually I was saying that Roseanne would match her nuts up against any Republican's nuts, so the apostrophe was noting the possession said nuts by the Republican candidate(s). So I believe the apostrophe was correct.
        DUELING STRUNK AND WHITES AT DAWN!

        • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

          Strunkadelic!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Too subtle a joke, I guess.

  • metamarcisf

    Look for Roseanne Barr and Lady Gaga to star in the upcoming Casey Anthony Story, based on the insufferable Oscar-contender, "The Tree of Life".

    • PristinePantalones

      But will Terrence Malik direct?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Pat Paulsen wept.

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Beat me!

    • Beowoof

      Roseanne is the Pat Paulsen for a new millenium.

    • Swampgas_Man

      As did Snoopy, Winnie the Pooh, Pogo and other cartoon characters. How can they keep up?

    • Neoyorquino

      I loved his slogan – "Pat Paulsen for President–He's Gotta Sleep Somewhere"

  • SorosBot

    But in the end, it'll turn out the whole ridiculous running-for-President thing was really just a part of a novel Roseanne was writing to deal with the fact that her husband actually died a year ago.

  • Come here a minute

    This is almost as stupid as another Nader campaign making the news.

    • nounverb911

      Roseanne has more credibility than Nadir.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        She may have problems with the Mittens/Huntsman fellow travelers having referred to them in the past as "the Nazi Amish."

  • GuanoFaucet

    Barring a miracle, Roseanne has little chance of winning the presidency.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      I said that about Dubya! My exact words were "How can an intellectually limited business failure with no discernable skills except cocaine consumption ever get elected?" And, as I recall, I then said "I will hate him with a seething passion rooted in his betrayal of America's ideals." At least, that's the way I remember it.

    • Negropolis

      Newt Gingrich doesn't either, but that big stupid-head keeps on going.

  • Goonemeritus

    I don’t think she is weird enough for the Republican primary voters nor is she non controversial enough for the Democrats.

    • LetUsBray

      Good point. In establishing her Republican bona fides, the first question that needs to be asked is: How much time has she spent in the company of dead fetus relatives?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    A Roseanne Barr vs. Sarah Palin cage match–an event I would pay not to see.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      I've already clawed my own eyes out (again!) at the prospect.

    • widestanceroman

      Which would happen first: Palin crying or quitting?

      • PristinePantalones

        I like Roseanne, and she does not tolerate whiners, so I imagine she will thrash PayLess black 'n blue first and then let her cry and quit.

        • widestanceroman

          I'm picturing Rosie with Palin in a leg hold, while Rosie fairly farms Palin for tears.

          • PristinePantalones

            Knowing Rosie, she will lick them up in public while bwa-ha-haing and screaming, "I love the taste of your salty tears! MOAR!!"

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Reminds me how much I miss "Celebrity Deathmatch"

    • DoktorThompson

      TWO HAGS ENTER
      ONE HAG LEAVES
      TWO HAGS ENTER
      ONE HAG LEAVES
      &c.

  • Callyson

    She seems to want to liven up the debates…let's get her a baseball, shall we?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You mean a baseball bat?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'd vote for the guy who played her husband on TV. Mark it (D), Dude!!!

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      He did a pretty good job as the king of England, so why the fuck not.

  • bureaucrap

    (still waiting for Jon Stewart…)

    • nounverb911

      Or Colbert.

      • Grief_Lessons

        In their hearts they'd have to balance the comedy potential against the fact that they might actually win.

        • flamingpdog

          I could really get into Colbert making fun of Preznit Stewart every night (Mon-Thurs, that is) on the TeeVee.

    • Negropolis

      Stewart lost major point in my book when he refused (and continues to do so) to take a side in that big-ass march he lead on Washington that seemed to have had absolutely no effect on the midterms the next day. He will swear up and down that he didn't do it for votes, but he's bald-faced lying. He chickened out and got egg all over his face with that bullshit stunt he pulled.

      Civility as an end in itself is for the birds; truth – the hard truth – is what this nation needs.

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        exactly

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Isn't it supposed to be "comedienne" when the person in question is a female of the species?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yeah, so?

  • freakishlywrong

    Loose meat sandwiches for everyone!

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    That voice . . . Fran Drescher should run as her VP. The debates would be such a pleasure to listen to.

    • freakishlywrong

      Sorry. Palin/Bachmann would out-shrill that ticket by a mile.

      • DoktorThompson

        /pre-emptive self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head

  • mavenmaven

    She'd do a better job than Trump, Palin, or Bachmann, and would probably lead to less worldwide death than the latter.

  • metamarcisf

    Imagine a Drescher – Palin debate with the sound turned up. There wouldn't be a fleck of paint left on any wall in the land.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Egads, man. I'd rather stick red-hot knitting needles in my ears.

      To make it worse, add in Geraldine Ferraro as moderator, but she's dead.

      • PristinePantalones

        Nothing wrong with that. The dead are a very overlooked constituency.

        • Negropolis

          Not in Chicago. Well, at least not the old Chicago.

    • Rotundo_

      And imagine the hordes descending on every ER in the country with icepicks, skewers (and anything else sharp and pointy to kill the sound) embedded in their eardrums. Hearing aid sales for the win!

  • Ducksworthy

    As Tom Arnold said at the time of their wedding, this is Amurika greatest fear. White trash with money.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Sarah Palin's™ autographed mannequin head is also running. http://wonkette.com/417285/sarah-palin-signs-mann

  • Steverino247

    As Tom Arnold also asked, "What kind of sick, fucking bitch takes the ice cube trays." I sense that was based on real-life and not in the script…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That ice cube tray meme was actually stolen from the novel "Gorky Park" by Martin Cruz Smith. Arkady Renko's wife left him, cleaning out the bank account and cleaning out the apartment, including the ice cube trays.

      • Steverino247

        The Chair stands corrected and thanks the gentleman from wherever he is.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          It's an awesome book and part of the Permanent Collection at the Flagass Library of Highbrow Literature and Lowlife Pornography. Highly recommended. Should be able to find it in hardbound for a buck-fiddy in any worthwhile used book store.

          • Beowoof

            Polar Star and Red Square in the Renko series are also awesome. Love Smith's work in these books. There are more I need to get to.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            The last three Renko books haven't been up to the level of those first three. The fourth, Havana Bay, is pretty good. I still re-read Stallion Gate and Rose every couple of years…

  • nappyduggs

    A Mormon Jew who was raised in a trailer park. Mittens' confusion boner will be just HUGE over this one.

  • Steverino247

    If elected, will Roseanne grab her crotch and spit at the Tomb of the Unknowns every Memorial Day?

    In other words, I can guarantee you she will receive ZERO votes in San Diego.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    What to do when you hear your fame clock ticking down toward zero?
    Used to be getting drunk in public, then came sextapes. Now, it's running for political office.

    Come to think of it, I'm relieved that she's taking the modern approach.

  • proudgrampa

    Actually, not a bad idea. She can sing the National Anthem at whatever games she attends, and save the teams some money.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    She may have problems with the Mittens/Huntsman fellow travelers having in the past referred to the Mormons as "the Nazi Amish."

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    I have a small bit of good news, and can't we all use some?

    UPDATE 3-No respite in sight as Kaplan woes dog Washington Post

    Fri Aug 5, 2011 12:30pm EDT

    * Q2 EPS cont. ops $5.92 vs est $5.87

    * Q2 rev $1.07 bln vs est $1.09 bln

    * Sees lower operating income from Kaplan Higher Education for rest of 2011

    * Sees declining student enrollments, signals further restructuring at Kaplan

    P.S. I grew up in Washington, D.C. I remember when the War Criminal Post was a good newspaper. Thanks for nothing, Donald Graham, and have a nice plate of salted rat dicks.
    ~

    • flamingpdog

      We can all pray that one of these days he gets his tit caught in a wringer .

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Fortunately the iPad came along just in time for him to fire everybody related to paper print production! Win/Win!

    • PristinePantalones

      It can beez heavily salted rat dicks pleez?

  • SayItWithWookies

    If she promises to do for the country what she did for the national anthem, then — she's still better than the entire Republican nominee horse race.

  • flamingpdog

    As long as Obama was selecting the "Reverend" Hagee to give the invocation at his inaugural, I always wondered why he didn't go ahead and ask Roseanne to sing the Star-Spangled Banner.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    …and Tom Arnold for vice! Seriously, Tom Arnold is good at vice.

    • Negropolis

      Tom Arnold is a moving violation of vice.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, Rosanne is much more qualified than Palin. Heck, she waited, what, eight years to quit her show.

    • Doktor Zoom

      And really, that was only two years after it jumped the shark. So, hey, still doing better than most teevee.

  • Arken

    I don't think Roseanne runs anywhere.

    • flamingpdog

      Barr/Huckabee/2012. Lightly-larded laughter for everyone!

  • littlebigdaddy

    I look forward to seeing the White House redecorated with shag carpet and sectional sofas.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Well, OK, as long as Laurie Metcalf gets to be Secretary of Ganja

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      The comments to that clip demonstrate everything that's wrong about our culture…

  • Pat_Pending

    Today, we are ALL presidential candidates…

  • scionkirk

    No

  • LettucePrey

    I demand to see her girth certificate.

  • Beowoof

    Will she sing the national anthem at her ignauguration?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls1YVhcLD2c

  • prommie

    I love her. Hey, that is one cool level of self-awareness and self-deprecation when she knows that she is insulting Sarah Palin by comparing herself to Sarah Palin. That is very very cool. Probably decided to do it solely in order to mock Palin.

    • bagofmice

      If you're going to put that much Palin onto a webpage, could at least add in some hookworms? Those google spiders might be smart, but they still bring the Santorum.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Pogo, Snoopy and Winnie the Pooh weep, for real cartoon characters can no longer keep up.

  • prommie

    And her show was the only show ever to realistically and respectfully portray the real lives of working people. My family, my house, it wasn't The Brady Bunch, it wasn't the wonder years, though it was that exact time, it was Roseanne.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

    "A friend of mine said, 'Roseanne, you know, you're not very feminine.' So I said, 'Suck my dick.'"

  • Negropolis

    Can I just say that I like Roseanne, and at this given moment, that she couldn't possibly do worse than any others running for president, right now? She's gotten political since the Bush years, and I find myself agreeing with her more often than not.

  • calibrit

    Wow, wouldn't it be so much worse than what we have, to have Roseanne Barr as president, Jon Stewart as veep, and Al Franken as a senator or something?

    Who's president in the year nineteen eighty-five?"
    "Ronald Reagan."
    "The
    actor??

  • Troglodeity

    Wow, Michelle Bachmann's really let herself go.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'd like to be Secretary of Clever Ripostes, but there are too many more-qualified candidates here in Wonkland.

  • not that Dewey

    I call dibs on the position that has to sit out the entire presidency while an intransigent teabagger-controlled congress refuses to hold nomination hearings.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Is there a Cabinet position for Secretary of Dopeslapping? That's the one I want.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    How much does that pay?

  • not that Dewey

    D'OH!

  • SayItWithWookies

    So it's just like being an FAA inspector.

  • PristinePantalones

    Lots of competition for that post.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I'm signing up for an undersecretary in the Department of Beer.

    The Secretary of Beer would be a little too high profile for me, and may actually involve some responsibility, so undersecretary sounds about right.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'll gladly be in charge of Agriculture…, well, greenery. Hell, pot.

  • PristinePantalones

    Will you be my lawyer?

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    He needs a miracle and some disaster that leaves him the last living candidate. Or would that also be a miracle?