tales of failure

Less Hobo Tears Shed In July Jobs Report Than Expected

who wants one of these anusburger jobs anyway???Your magical new “minimum-wage jobs 4 everyone” number for the month of July is a very exciting 117,000. This is “important newz” in a slow summer news week, because the wizards and their Magic 8-Balls carefully predicted that America’s anusburger institutions were probably going to cram a mere additional 85,000 ashen hobo souls into their stocking rooms, so, uh, hooray for 32,000 fewer hobo tears shed than everybody thought. Couldn’t America have used those tears? Because there is still a major drought in Texas that Rick Perry’s prayers can’t fix? (We just thought of this, now this is a good jobs idea.) Oh well, everybody hates Obama .1% less now that the Official Non-Real Unemployment Figure is back down from 9.2% to 9.1%.

Business Insider ran a picture of fireworks next to this:

A huge relief to market and economy watchers: the non-farm payrolls report for July was surprisingly strong.

117K new jobs were created vs. 85K.

Last month was revised higher from +18K to +46K.

The unemployment rate fell to 9.1% from 9.2%

Other internals were strong as well.

Average hourly earnings were up 0.4% vs. 0.2% last month.

Obama/32,000 aborted tears 2012! [Business Insider]
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    1. OneDollarJuana

      But those were government jobs, and therefore, not jobs at all, because, of course, government cannot create jobs.

    2. freakishlywrong

      The numbers DO reflect the 38,000 PUBLIC sector jobs that were eliminated. All by Retardlican Govs, no doubt.

      1. SorosBot

        Just think how the jobs report will look after all the spending cuts given in return for the hostage debt ceiling take effect.

      2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        According to NPR, the majority of those government job losses were the Minnesota shut down. Otherwise the job report would have been pretty good (over the 140K needed to keep up with the populations).

        So, yep, it is all the Republicans fault. Actually, the private sector has been adding jobs fairly steadily. A lot of the negative numbers are from states and the Feds cutting their employment rolls. But, hey, the rich get to keep their money, which is good for Ferrari, I guess.

  1. nounverb911

    "Because there is still a major drought in Texas that Rick Perry’s prayers can’t fix?"
    I love good news on a Friday morning.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You would think that given his massive fail with God, Rick Perry would soon be converting to Quezacotl, or Mormonism, or, dare I say, Islam. Clearly has aligned with the wrong God.

    1. natoslug

      The last time it was Morning in America, our Prez decided streets, jails and prisons were better equipped to handle the mentally ill. Does this mean we're now going to deinstituionalize the prisons (I'm thinking just the violent offenders — we wouldn't want to let anyone out who did something REALLY dangerous, like sell some pot)?

  2. SorosBot

    Hey, there's a help wanted sign at the Rite-Aid that's on my way to/from work, so obviously jobs are doing fine. Anyone unemployed in Philly, I know where you can get a shitty, minimum-wage cashier or stock position!

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Heck, the guy who pumped my septic tank yesterday even had an assistant. He's never had one before. Obviously, there's tons of jobs out there!

  3. metamarcisf

    I've got a real good feeling that tomorrows highly attended prayer rally / goat fuck in Houston will add tens of thousands of new jobs. After all, isn't Houston known around the world as the "City of Hand Jobs"? Or is that Warsaw?

    1. hilbillyheroine

      Don't knock goat-fucking here in Oklahoma. Goat fucking is God's way of ensuring that a) republican preachers can cut down on the amount of time they usually spend fucking their daughters, and 2) prayer is PROVEN to bring rain. And jobs. Amen.

  4. freakishlywrong

    Of course, the Retardlicans have all piled on, including Boner. No really, he had the nerve to say how terrible this number was and it was all due to the vague and never explained, "Obama policies", and "where are the jobs"? horseshit. No, really. He really did.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Might it also be due in part to the continuing uncertainty created the looney band of Ompha Lompha's taking over control of congress?

  5. neiltheblaze

    Doesn't the stock market go down every time there are slightly fewer unemployed people? Because when firms hire it means they are spending their profits on wasteful employees instead of a new lear jet or something?

    1. arihaya

      not all that bad,,, this mean we only need to reelect Obammy and after that vote another non-wingnuts to office . There,, ten years for you

  6. MrFizzy

    I think we should all bask in this well-deserved rebound of the economy, at least until the market goes south again. Oh, wait…

      1. YasserArraFeck

        "Build it and she will come*"

        *In the "arrive" sense of course – I think being passed out on wine coolers precludes the other kind

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      A midget gal with a flat head, so you have a place to put down your can of beer and can of snoose.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Hey, you guys keep making jokes about having to eat "hobo beans". Well, I just looked up some recipes for hobo beans on Cooks.com, and they almost all have meat and bacon. Who the heck can afford meat or bacon these days? I think these "hobo beans" are a misnomer.

        1. orygoon

          "Who the heck can afford meat or bacon these days?"

          Resourceful hobos can snare pigeons and squirrels.

  7. freakishlywrong

    Here's what the orange fuckwit had to say:
    Today’s unemployment report is more proof that all of the Washington spending, taxing, and regulating is devastating our economy. While the American people are asking ‘where are the jobs?’ the Democrats running Washington are determined to punish small businesses with higher taxes and more red tape….

    Washington Spending? I detest these motherfuckers.

    1. Boredw/Gravitas

      Also, "Democrats running Washington?" I thought the teabaggers in Congress were driving that train into a canyon right now.

      1. MozakiBlocks

        That phrase got me too. If the Democrats were indeed running Washington, what the fuck was the past month's fandango about the debt ceiling? Mass hallucinations brought on by heat exhaustion?


        1. V572 Coif of Destiny

          Oh they were masters of Palinating even back when Chimpy had both houses of congress, the executive branch and SCOTUS on his side.

    2. SorosBot

      Idiot; the taxing and spending are the only thing preventing the economy from being even further in the shitter.

      1. freakishlywrong

        Was he drunk? That fucking sound bite he gave was written yesterday and had absolutely nothing to do with the employment numbers? I wish we had fucking journalists, just once, to ask him; "what spending, specifically?" Or, "if regulation is jawb killing, how come corporations and banks are literally awash in cash?"

        Sunday shows should clear it all up, eh?

        1. V572 Coif of Destiny

          Sure, that David Gregory is a relentless questioner. No one can escape his close scrutiny, unless they just bloviate to fill up all available time with talking points. Amanpour is only interested in foreign "affairs" and Bob Schieffer's held together with spit.

          Actually I haven't watched any of those shows in years since they generate less news than a White House press briefing. And my Sunday morning's are much better for it.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      One wonders, one does, how many jobs would be created simply through bringing our highways and bridges up to code…. Infrastructure is boring, I know…until it collapses.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        Less 'boring' if you teach yourself on your Android…
        But, as with many science & engineering jobs, the lack of incentive affects not just the legislators' obstructing students' initiative, but the industry itself makes it a slow climb to reach viable (or credential-proportionate) income or promotional leaps for many, enough such that many qualified folks are wary of pursuing their leads all the way through.

    4. elviouslyqueer

      Was he weeping bitter, bitter tears when he unloaded this pile of crap? Oh, sorry, rhetorical question answered.

  8. Goonemeritus

    Rick Perry’s Ramadan observance will probably not be reflected in the numbers until next month.

  9. Rosie_Scenario

    The GOP/ teabagger house needs to work harder to tank our economy. The debt ceiling drama was a start and now they need to find another anti-Obama diversion. They wouldn't want to propose legislation to help create jobs because an improved economy will benefit Obama's re-election. And the Senate and Sec. LaHood have solved the FAA shutdown (for now). Maybe they can revive the "Life Begins at Conception" issue and/or propose a crazy, faith based Constitutional Amendment.

    1. BlueMonkeh

      Faith-based job creation. That must be why they keep talking about "jobs" and "creators" – job creationism.

    2. Rotundo_

      An amendment for church attendance requiring all recipients of financial assistance including Social Security and Medicare to attend religious services: If your ass isn't warming a pew on Sunday the check don't come on Monday. The churches would love playing Jeebus Copz and the fundies would have a captive (literally) audience for a couple of hours (or hell, as long as *they* want) a week, and the republicans would have another way to torture the snot out of the poors at no cost to them.

  10. ttommyunger

    I do not appreciate your using my likeness without permission. Wonkette will be hearing from my Attorneys: "Dewey, Phuckem and Howe".

        1. Papa_Uniform

          Oh. We live in different states. For Senate on the Rebupthug side we have Les Phuckem. He's up against, so to speak, Al Bendover, a popular Democrat. Very close race so far.

  11. ironhead77

    I just saw an ad on Craigslist… apparently Kirby Vacuums is looking for 17-20 hard workers…

    Blessings for sure!

    1. poncho_pilot

      "looking for 17-20 people to harass the elderly, naive, and mentally handicapped into buying vacuum cleaners. we accept appliances and furniture in trade!"

      i wish that was not at all true…

  12. Major Thom

    Don't be such Gloomy Gusses. Now that we're cutting trillions from the federal budget, jobs are sure to follow. …Put down that pie!

  13. johnnyzhivago

    The government is counting on Government Workers to act professionally when they are laid off, and either take a cyanide pill or emigrate to another country.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Got my pill here in the desk drawer, but I'm on the waiting list for a position with the Netherlands Antilles Air Force.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            You guys should get together with ttommy and form the Wonkette Military-Industrial-Law-Enforcement-Complex Club. I'll mix the drinks and induce tall tales. It'll be just like "After The Catch"!

  14. Sue4466

    Wonder what the number would be if they counted all the jobs US companies created overseas?

    "Uncertainty" my ass. It's about cheap exploitable labor and keeping corporate profits up.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    And hey, I've been hiring some guy from the 'hood to do some yard work, so you're welcome America! Now where the hell's my tax cut?

    1. Come here a minute

      Did you check his papers first? Jobs stolen from hard-working Americans don't count!

  16. MissusBarry

    Yay, think of all the economic stimulation that'll come from thousands more people working 20 hours a week at minimum wage!

  17. orygoon

    I have a couple of part-time jobs (and I mean p/t, not half-time). So I'd got for .1% more job than I have, so I could buy, say, one more can of hobo beans/week, please.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      The deli at the building I work at has packets of Grey Poupon. Excellent for stealing, though that stuff makes the cheese dogs taste a little odd.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          You obvsly are not a clipper of them or you'd know Poop-on coupons are featured in today's circulars. Santorum may be gratuitous w/ his jelly but he stays wise w/ when to pass on the poop-on.

  18. ifthethunderdontgetya

    DJIA 11,250.93 -132.75
    NASDAQ 2,495.92 -60.47
    S&P 500 1,180.51 -19.56

    10 Year Treasury: 2.48%

    Seems to me that people like Atrios (Eschaton) and Paul Krugman have been right all along: we need to do everything we can to put people to work.

    So of course, our Administration and press corpse will continue to ignore them.

    1. SexySmurf

      10 Year Treasury: 2.48%

      Don't these idiotic bond traders know the price of Slim Jims have increased 150%?

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    "Average hourly earnings were up 0.4% vs. 0.2% last month."

    Ooh, 0.4% of $7.50 = 3 cents!! That's much better than 0.2% = 1.5 cents!! Obama is God!!

  20. Limeylizzie

    OT I just saw a little item that says that Ralph Nader is looking for someone to primary our Barry. God, I loathe that prune-faced , egomaniacal man, Ralph not Barry.

        1. SexySmurf

          She can sit in the corner with Bernie Sanders and watch hillbillies from Wyoming and Idaho kill every piece of meaningful legislation before it even comes up for a vote.

          1. V572 Coif of Destiny

            See? The System is working! Jefferson wanted a democracy of small gentleman farmers, which is to say plantation owners with slaves to do the actual "work" (and meet his other needs at night). And that's we have, sort of. The Kochs own the plantation, and we all work there, until we're laid off.

    1. Negropolis

      Given how much money is in presidential campaigns these days, unless you're Bill Gates, you're not going to be able to seriously challenge the president, so I say go for it. I've always been for primaries of incumbents, particular ones who got in negative ruts and didn't want to move, in the small "d" democratic sense.

      1. Limeylizzie

        So, now we got downgraded , I can only imagine what fresh hell the Republicans will come up with, even though S&P aportioned the blame more to their side than Obama .

  21. widestanceroman

    I'll have little time to comment today, as I'll be figuring out what to do with my .04% raise. Another yacht or another house. . .hmmm. . .?

      1. widestanceroman

        I'm already fairly jewel-encrusted, but it beats watching poor people eat my profits, so why not?

        1. poncho_pilot

          i think the only correct relationship between the Chosen Wealthy and the Poor should involve much degradation. it's ok to give them jobs but they have to hate those jobs. i will use my money to rid the public sector of flush toilets and hire poor people to build and maintain latrines. they will also have to live next to the latrines.

          1. widestanceroman

            I like the way you think, Ponch, but I had no intention of actually paying these creatures. That only encourages self-worth in a savage.

    1. V572 Coif of Destiny

      If you were a Job Creator, you'd build a steel mill and hire 1,000 scabs to work there. But obviously you don't understand how capitalism works.

      1. widestanceroman

        I just love the term, Job Creator–like the wealthy "express" themselves by creating jobs. Jobs are not created, they are grudgingly provided so that someone else can make lots and lots of money.

  22. GuyClinch

    So why are farm jobs not included? Because they're seasonal? Because it's just browns anyway? A jerb's a jerb! And if by seasonal they mean temporary, can't most jobs be classified that way these days?

    1. Rotundo_

      In some places they are: Scott Walker was terribly excited that Wisconsin added several thousand jobs in the last few months. This, of course, was for maids, waitresses and pixie dust sprinklers on the rides and hotels of the Dells, but he was real excited and was countin' them for his 250,000 jerb campaign promise. BTW, the day after Labor Day, the maids, waitresses and pixie dust sprinklers are sent packing…

  23. MissusBarry

    Bet all the good jerbs went to brown furriners, not real 'murkins, therefore socialist muslin kenyan presnit is evil.

  24. hagajim

    Don't we need to create like 400,000 jobs to just stay treading water? This seems like more backsliding to me.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Yes, that is about right (per month), just to keep up with population growth. America needs to either: A) start making jobs, or B) stop making babies. You decide!

  25. WhatTheHeck

    The latest trend is to hire interns with no pay – for which they should be grateful to have a jawb.

    I think we should become a nation of interns, then we wouldn't have to worry about silly things like pay, insurance and taxes.

  26. smitallica

    See? Those Republican job-creating initiatives of defunding Planned Parenthood and NPR are working! SUCK IT, libtards!!

    1. Ruhe

      This is just my sentiment based on daily exposure to it but it seems to me that NPR has actually really tightened up their journalistic chops since being threatened by the Republicans. I detect a generally tougher, less patient with bullshit talking points tone on NPR right now.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        They only bring that along when they serenade Orcas.

        (n.b.: I have a friend in Tucson who is one of the few gringas to play trumpet in a Mariachi band…women in Mariachi are somewhat rare, though it's changing. Shit, I miss Tucson.)

  27. baconzgood

    Unions? NAH! We don't need to spend another nickle on a cheeze-berger so my kids can eat….at the same place I work….Wait….I work where I eat……I eat where I work…..

    (insert music notes here)

    "Load 16 Tons a'n wadda' ya' get'
    'nother day old'r 'n deeper in debt"

  28. proudgrampa

    Well, the good news is that stocks are a lot cheaper, now! So, by all means, take 10% of that $1.45 an hour job you got and buy stocks!!

  29. Terry

    Speaking of jobs, I wonder if the Governor of Georgia found anyone (prisoners or otherwise) to pick all those crops…

  30. fuflans

    we are escaping to canada for the weekend and driving thru the heartland. it is beyond depressing.

    good thing we got those spending cuts.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      we're escaping to a small burg in N Cal that apparently survives on Social Security, Welfare, and Meth. Always makes us feel better about our lives.

      1. orygoon

        My musician son put together (what should be an annual, we hope) summer chamber-music festival in a fabulous little town meeting that very description in N Cal. So if you are near that place, you have even more to feel better about.

          1. orygoon

            No. The performers were mainly students or grads of the San Francisco Conservatory, where, as far as I can tell, the mandolin is a neglected object of scholarly endeavor.

  31. owhatever

    It's so good to have unleashed the power of those job creators so the stock market does not crash.

  32. Callyson

    From the Business Insider link:
    You can download the full report here, although at the moment the BLS website is down.
    Yo, BLS, time to hire some IT people…

  33. Ruhe

    Well, my wages certainly did go up a bit last month but that was only because I was 0.2% more likely to be dicking around on Wonkette while on the clock.

  34. OneDollarJuana

    Before everyone gets too depressed about Depression 2, remember that the best comedies that Hollywood put out were made during the Depression. Should give us something to look forward to. Now if we can just get those ticket prices down a bit …

  35. neiltheblaze

    So what gives? It seems I'm not allowed to comment on the Roseanne Barr post – or even reply to anyone. I didn't have anything to say particularly, but geesh, that's never stopped me.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I'm sure it's just a glitch in the Matrix and everything will be fine soon. Unless Hugo Weaving busts through your wall with a Glock in the meantime.

  36. Lascauxcaveman

    I'm still looking for two night/weekend managers for my hotel. A large 2 bedroom downtown apartment (all utilities incl) awaits you, my unemployed hobo Wonkette friends.

    1. orygoon

      Grump. I applied for a different job in YourTown, and they have recently rejected me, which makes me feel unloved. Bitter tears over not being embraced in the Rain Shadow, with many more to follow when summer turns to endless drizzle.

  37. vodkamuppet

    This would be encouraging if I even gave a shit anymore. Also, these numbers are off by at least 1 since I already quit the shitty night job I got last month because it was making me fuck up at my shitty day job that I also hate.

  38. Radiotherapy®

    Clearly, now is the time to get rid of the minimum wage. That will unleash the job creators.

    1. Cicada

      If grocery stores and landlords would just start accepting hobo beans in lieu of cash, we wouldn't need no stinking minimum wage.

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