TALES OF FAILURE  11:28 am August 5, 2011

Less Hobo Tears Shed In July Jobs Report Than Expected

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

who wants one of these anusburger jobs anyway???Your magical new “minimum-wage jobs 4 everyone” number for the month of July is a very exciting 117,000. This is “important newz” in a slow summer news week, because the wizards and their Magic 8-Balls carefully predicted that America’s anusburger institutions were probably going to cram a mere additional 85,000 ashen hobo souls into their stocking rooms, so, uh, hooray for 32,000 fewer hobo tears shed than everybody thought. Couldn’t America have used those tears? Because there is still a major drought in Texas that Rick Perry’s prayers can’t fix? (We just thought of this, now this is a good jobs idea.) Oh well, everybody hates Obama .1% less now that the Official Non-Real Unemployment Figure is back down from 9.2% to 9.1%.

Business Insider ran a picture of fireworks next to this:

A huge relief to market and economy watchers: the non-farm payrolls report for July was surprisingly strong.

117K new jobs were created vs. 85K.

Last month was revised higher from +18K to +46K.

The unemployment rate fell to 9.1% from 9.2%

Other internals were strong as well.

Average hourly earnings were up 0.4% vs. 0.2% last month.

Obama/32,000 aborted tears 2012! [Business Insider]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 204 comments }

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 11:30 am

Do the numbers count all of the FAA workers and contractors laid off by John Boehner?

OneDollarJuana August 5, 2011 at 11:37 am

But those were government jobs, and therefore, not jobs at all, because, of course, government cannot create jobs.

freakishlywrong August 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

The numbers DO reflect the 38,000 PUBLIC sector jobs that were eliminated. All by Retardlican Govs, no doubt.

SorosBot August 5, 2011 at 11:48 am

Just think how the jobs report will look after all the spending cuts given in return for the hostage debt ceiling take effect.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

According to NPR, the majority of those government job losses were the Minnesota shut down. Otherwise the job report would have been pretty good (over the 140K needed to keep up with the populations).

So, yep, it is all the Republicans fault. Actually, the private sector has been adding jobs fairly steadily. A lot of the negative numbers are from states and the Feds cutting their employment rolls. But, hey, the rich get to keep their money, which is good for Ferrari, I guess.

freakishlywrong August 5, 2011 at 12:05 pm

To which the asshole replied "so be it".

not that Dewey August 5, 2011 at 12:53 pm

In retrospect, he should have said "make it so, Number One" in a Picard voice.

Negropolis August 5, 2011 at 11:51 pm

No, that's next month's report.

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 11:31 am

"Because there is still a major drought in Texas that Rick Perry’s prayers can’t fix?"
I love good news on a Friday morning.

James Michael Curley August 5, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Didn't get the news from Austin? "It's Raining Men?"
Wall Street, too.

YasserArraFeck August 5, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Not raining anywhere near heavy enough on Wall St.

Smitros August 5, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I think every story mentioning Rick Perry should be annotated with an Aggie joke.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

You would think that given his massive fail with God, Rick Perry would soon be converting to Quezacotl, or Mormonism, or, dare I say, Islam. Clearly has aligned with the wrong God.

Doktor Zoom August 5, 2011 at 11:31 am

It's Morning in America!

MrFizzy August 5, 2011 at 11:38 am

Woo hoo! Party time!

Mumbletypeg August 5, 2011 at 11:39 am

Hmm.. Needs more Waggamemnon. You know, the character from "Mourning Becomes America"?

weejee August 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

Isn't the proper spelling mourning? Being an engineer perhaps I haz a homonym confused.

SpurningBeer August 5, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I'm told that the engineering profession is rife with flaming homonyms.

natoslug August 5, 2011 at 12:31 pm

The last time it was Morning in America, our Prez decided streets, jails and prisons were better equipped to handle the mentally ill. Does this mean we're now going to deinstituionalize the prisons (I'm thinking just the violent offenders — we wouldn't want to let anyone out who did something REALLY dangerous, like sell some pot)?

SorosBot August 5, 2011 at 11:34 am

Hey, there's a help wanted sign at the Rite-Aid that's on my way to/from work, so obviously jobs are doing fine. Anyone unemployed in Philly, I know where you can get a shitty, minimum-wage cashier or stock position!

OneDollarJuana August 5, 2011 at 11:38 am

Heck, the guy who pumped my septic tank yesterday even had an assistant. He's never had one before. Obviously, there's tons of jobs out there!

Come here a minute August 5, 2011 at 11:49 am

That's one shitty unpaid internship.

DaRooster August 5, 2011 at 11:34 am

WIN!!
GObama GObama!!

donner_froh August 5, 2011 at 11:34 am

Current definition of good news = bad news with a bit of spin.

metamarcisf August 5, 2011 at 11:35 am

I've got a real good feeling that tomorrows highly attended prayer rally / goat fuck in Houston will add tens of thousands of new jobs. After all, isn't Houston known around the world as the "City of Hand Jobs"? Or is that Warsaw?

Boredw/Gravitas August 5, 2011 at 11:44 am

So that's why I saw all those goats being trucked in yesterday.

poncho_pilot August 5, 2011 at 11:48 am

i thought Houston was "The City of Potholes"?

OneDollarJuana August 5, 2011 at 11:59 am

Some kinda holes, at least.

hilbillyheroine August 5, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Don't knock goat-fucking here in Oklahoma. Goat fucking is God's way of ensuring that a) republican preachers can cut down on the amount of time they usually spend fucking their daughters, and 2) prayer is PROVEN to bring rain. And jobs. Amen.

MLHencken August 5, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Healthcare jobs will be created as a consequence of unprotected anonymous gay sex at the rally.

AJWjr. August 7, 2011 at 3:23 pm

I do not think "making it rain" means what Rick Perry thinks it means.

donner_froh August 5, 2011 at 11:36 am

Just a slight hiccup in the GOP's relentless unemployment creating machine.

DahBoner August 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

And don't forget to Blame The Black Guy!

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 11:44 am

Herman Cain?

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Phase II: eliminate that socialist "minimum wage." What's up with that anyway?

freakishlywrong August 5, 2011 at 11:36 am

Of course, the Retardlicans have all piled on, including Boner. No really, he had the nerve to say how terrible this number was and it was all due to the vague and never explained, "Obama policies", and "where are the jobs"? horseshit. No, really. He really did.

Ducksworthy August 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Might it also be due in part to the continuing uncertainty created the looney band of Ompha Lompha's taking over control of congress?

neiltheblaze August 5, 2011 at 11:36 am

Doesn't the stock market go down every time there are slightly fewer unemployed people? Because when firms hire it means they are spending their profits on wasteful employees instead of a new lear jet or something?

smokefilleddoommate August 5, 2011 at 11:37 am

.1!!!!!1!! .1!!1!!!1!!!!!

OC_Surf_Serf August 5, 2011 at 11:37 am

Fuck, just another 197 months like this and we will be back to pre-Bush days!!!

arihaya August 7, 2011 at 7:38 am

not all that bad,,, this mean we only need to reelect Obammy and after that vote another non-wingnuts to office . There,, ten years for you

bureaucrap August 5, 2011 at 11:37 am

I'd break out the bubbly, but I can only afford store brand ginger ale.

Fare la Volpe August 5, 2011 at 12:38 pm

That's nothing. We're so poor we can't even afford the ginger.

MrFizzy August 5, 2011 at 11:38 am

I think we should all bask in this well-deserved rebound of the economy, at least until the market goes south again. Oh, wait…

OneYieldRegular August 5, 2011 at 11:38 am

I'd like a job piloting a private corporate jet.

Into a mountainside.

neiltheblaze August 5, 2011 at 11:52 am

Just remember to bring your parachute.

Fare la Volpe August 5, 2011 at 12:36 pm

In Socialist Heaven, that nets you 72 nymphos.

prommie August 5, 2011 at 11:38 am

Come here, hobo, give me your tears.

Sue4466 August 5, 2011 at 11:38 am

Hooray for things being marginally less sucky! Hooray!

skoalrebel August 5, 2011 at 11:39 am

I'm looking for a job [spit!] A blow job. Any advice, Wonkette?

DahBoner August 5, 2011 at 11:44 am

Go ask Newt, when he's 10 feet tall…

LionHeartSoyDog August 5, 2011 at 1:33 pm

"…when logic and proportion
have fallen sloppy dead."

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 11:50 am

You should call Kortney if you have a zucchini suit.

neiltheblaze August 5, 2011 at 11:54 am

Enlist the aid of a Kardashian?

elviouslyqueer August 5, 2011 at 11:58 am

Take a couple of wine coolers and add one pup tent, and Bristol Palin = all yours.

YasserArraFeck August 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm

"Build it and she will come*"

*In the "arrive" sense of course – I think being passed out on wine coolers precludes the other kind

fuflans August 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm

if i had advice, i'd have a job.

Lascauxcaveman August 5, 2011 at 12:36 pm

A midget gal with a flat head, so you have a place to put down your can of beer and can of snoose.

Barb August 5, 2011 at 11:40 am

I think I will go and buy up all that gold everyone dumped yesterday.

weejee August 5, 2011 at 11:43 am

Instead what about melting it into one giant ingot and then dropping it on Glenn Beck's head? Badda bing, badda BOOM.

DahBoner August 5, 2011 at 11:46 am

Gold went down?

Where's the "safe haven"?

Hobo beans…

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 11:57 am

And survival seeds.

OneDollarJuana August 5, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Hey, you guys keep making jokes about having to eat "hobo beans". Well, I just looked up some recipes for hobo beans on Cooks.com, and they almost all have meat and bacon. Who the heck can afford meat or bacon these days? I think these "hobo beans" are a misnomer.

orygoon August 5, 2011 at 12:04 pm

"Who the heck can afford meat or bacon these days?"

Resourceful hobos can snare pigeons and squirrels.

BlueMonkeh August 5, 2011 at 12:17 pm

and rats and stray dogs and cats

Fare la Volpe August 5, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Mrs. Lovett solved that problem in Sweeney Todd.

freakishlywrong August 5, 2011 at 11:40 am

Here's what the orange fuckwit had to say:
Today’s unemployment report is more proof that all of the Washington spending, taxing, and regulating is devastating our economy. While the American people are asking ‘where are the jobs?’ the Democrats running Washington are determined to punish small businesses with higher taxes and more red tape….

Washington Spending? I detest these motherfuckers.

Boredw/Gravitas August 5, 2011 at 11:47 am

Also, "Democrats running Washington?" I thought the teabaggers in Congress were driving that train into a canyon right now.

MozakiBlocks August 5, 2011 at 12:08 pm

That phrase got me too. If the Democrats were indeed running Washington, what the fuck was the past month's fandango about the debt ceiling? Mass hallucinations brought on by heat exhaustion?

Fuckers.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Oh they were masters of Palinating even back when Chimpy had both houses of congress, the executive branch and SCOTUS on his side.

SorosBot August 5, 2011 at 11:50 am

Idiot; the taxing and spending are the only thing preventing the economy from being even further in the shitter.

neiltheblaze August 5, 2011 at 11:55 am

But why let Krugmanite economics ruin a perfectly good dog-whistle?

freakishlywrong August 5, 2011 at 11:58 am

Was he drunk? That fucking sound bite he gave was written yesterday and had absolutely nothing to do with the employment numbers? I wish we had fucking journalists, just once, to ask him; "what spending, specifically?" Or, "if regulation is jawb killing, how come corporations and banks are literally awash in cash?"

Sunday shows should clear it all up, eh?

SorosBot August 5, 2011 at 12:10 pm

This is John Boener; the answer to "Was he drunk?" is always yes.

Sharkey August 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm

"How drunk was he?" might get a more interesting response.

donner_froh August 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Was he drunk?

Maybe better to ask "Was he sober?" since he Boehner usually isn't.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Sure, that David Gregory is a relentless questioner. No one can escape his close scrutiny, unless they just bloviate to fill up all available time with talking points. Amanpour is only interested in foreign "affairs" and Bob Schieffer's held together with spit.

Actually I haven't watched any of those shows in years since they generate less news than a White House press briefing. And my Sunday morning's are much better for it.

Doktor Zoom August 5, 2011 at 11:53 am

One wonders, one does, how many jobs would be created simply through bringing our highways and bridges up to code…. Infrastructure is boring, I know…until it collapses.

Mumbletypeg August 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Less 'boring' if you teach yourself on your Android…
But, as with many science & engineering jobs, the lack of incentive affects not just the legislators' obstructing students' initiative, but the industry itself makes it a slow climb to reach viable (or credential-proportionate) income or promotional leaps for many, enough such that many qualified folks are wary of pursuing their leads all the way through.

elviouslyqueer August 5, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Was he weeping bitter, bitter tears when he unloaded this pile of crap? Oh, sorry, rhetorical question answered.

Chet Kincaid August 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Boehner weeps bitter, bitter Cointreau. Grand Marnier, when he's really lachrymose.

SayItWithWookies August 5, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Isn't that the same statement he issues every month?

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm

It's like telling jokes in prison. "Give'em a Number 17, Larry."

Gomez571 August 5, 2011 at 1:26 pm

17!
(crickets)
Why didn't they laugh?
Timing.

Goonemeritus August 5, 2011 at 11:40 am

Rick Perry’s Ramadan observance will probably not be reflected in the numbers until next month.

proudgrampa August 5, 2011 at 11:41 am

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!1!!!!!!

(snarky yell brought to you by proudgrampa)

Rosie_Scenario August 5, 2011 at 11:41 am

The GOP/ teabagger house needs to work harder to tank our economy. The debt ceiling drama was a start and now they need to find another anti-Obama diversion. They wouldn't want to propose legislation to help create jobs because an improved economy will benefit Obama's re-election. And the Senate and Sec. LaHood have solved the FAA shutdown (for now). Maybe they can revive the "Life Begins at Conception" issue and/or propose a crazy, faith based Constitutional Amendment.

johnnyzhivago August 5, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Constitutional ammendment affirming the right to purchase and consume unhealthy foods.

BlueMonkeh August 5, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Faith-based job creation. That must be why they keep talking about "jobs" and "creators" – job creationism.

Rotundo_ August 5, 2011 at 12:41 pm

An amendment for church attendance requiring all recipients of financial assistance including Social Security and Medicare to attend religious services: If your ass isn't warming a pew on Sunday the check don't come on Monday. The churches would love playing Jeebus Copz and the fundies would have a captive (literally) audience for a couple of hours (or hell, as long as *they* want) a week, and the republicans would have another way to torture the snot out of the poors at no cost to them.

ttommyunger August 5, 2011 at 11:41 am

I do not appreciate your using my likeness without permission. Wonkette will be hearing from my Attorneys: "Dewey, Phuckem and Howe".

Papa_Uniform August 5, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Hey, is that the Phuckem who's running for the Senate?

ttommyunger August 5, 2011 at 12:37 pm

No, the one running for Senator is a woman: Iwana. My lawyer is a Lithuanian: Letz.

Papa_Uniform August 5, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Oh. We live in different states. For Senate on the Rebupthug side we have Les Phuckem. He's up against, so to speak, Al Bendover, a popular Democrat. Very close race so far.

ttommyunger August 5, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Close, indeed!

EatsBabyDingos August 5, 2011 at 11:41 am

HoboBean, Inc.

ironhead77 August 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

I just saw an ad on Craigslist… apparently Kirby Vacuums is looking for 17-20 hard workers…

Blessings for sure!

OC_Surf_Serf August 5, 2011 at 11:48 am

Kirby, Electrolux, Rainbow, Viking…they all suck.

freakishlywrong August 5, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Ba-doom-doom. OC_Surf will be here all week. Try the veal!

poncho_pilot August 5, 2011 at 11:54 am

"looking for 17-20 people to harass the elderly, naive, and mentally handicapped into buying vacuum cleaners. we accept appliances and furniture in trade!"

i wish that was not at all true…

Major Thom August 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

Don't be such Gloomy Gusses. Now that we're cutting trillions from the federal budget, jobs are sure to follow. …Put down that pie!

James Michael Curley August 5, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Did you do radio in the 70's in Cleavland?

Major Thom August 5, 2011 at 1:17 pm

No. You're thinking of Soupy Sales.

johnnyzhivago August 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

The government is counting on Government Workers to act professionally when they are laid off, and either take a cyanide pill or emigrate to another country.

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 11:56 am

Got my pill here in the desk drawer, but I'm on the waiting list for a position with the Netherlands Antilles Air Force.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I've got the local equivalent of an SF 54 in with the Cook Islands Air Force. Should hear from them any day now!

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Oooh, nice. More remote, and less dead white girls.

Chet Kincaid August 5, 2011 at 1:56 pm

You guys should get together with ttommy and form the Wonkette Military-Industrial-Law-Enforcement-Complex Club. I'll mix the drinks and induce tall tales. It'll be just like "After The Catch"!

Sue4466 August 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

Wonder what the number would be if they counted all the jobs US companies created overseas?

"Uncertainty" my ass. It's about cheap exploitable labor and keeping corporate profits up.

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

There's room to move as a fry cook. You could end up as manager… a god…

poncho_pilot August 5, 2011 at 11:58 am

i don't want no commies in my car. no christians, either.

SayItWithWookies August 5, 2011 at 11:44 am

And hey, I've been hiring some guy from the 'hood to do some yard work, so you're welcome America! Now where the hell's my tax cut?

Come here a minute August 5, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Did you check his papers first? Jobs stolen from hard-working Americans don't count!

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm

As a Job Creator®, your tax rate is now 15%. Congratulations!

MissusBarry August 5, 2011 at 11:44 am

Yay, think of all the economic stimulation that'll come from thousands more people working 20 hours a week at minimum wage!

orygoon August 5, 2011 at 11:46 am

I have a couple of part-time jobs (and I mean p/t, not half-time). So I'd got for .1% more job than I have, so I could buy, say, one more can of hobo beans/week, please.

Mumbletypeg August 5, 2011 at 11:47 am

Here's a recently launched booming business doing its part to maintain non-farm payroll: a recyced/expired-date/canned-goods-for-cheap market!

I swear if you add enough salt packets and ketchup to those stale hobobeans you'll never know they were past their prime.

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 11:54 am

The deli at the building I work at has packets of Grey Poupon. Excellent for stealing, though that stuff makes the cheese dogs taste a little odd.

Radiotherapy® August 5, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I hope Santorum doesn't start handing put Grey Poupon packets.

Mumbletypeg August 5, 2011 at 2:58 pm

You obvsly are not a clipper of them or you'd know Poop-on coupons are featured in today's circulars. Santorum may be gratuitous w/ his jelly but he stays wise w/ when to pass on the poop-on.

weejee August 5, 2011 at 11:48 am

Huzzah! The economy is now on a stupidendous trajectory.

ifthethunderdontgetya August 5, 2011 at 11:48 am

DJIA 11,250.93 -132.75
NASDAQ 2,495.92 -60.47
S&P 500 1,180.51 -19.56

10 Year Treasury: 2.48%

Seems to me that people like Atrios (Eschaton) and Paul Krugman have been right all along: we need to do everything we can to put people to work.

So of course, our Administration and press corpse will continue to ignore them.
~

weejee August 5, 2011 at 11:55 am

Thought Timmy G got Barry to ship Krugman to Gitmo.

SexySmurf August 5, 2011 at 11:57 am

10 Year Treasury: 2.48%

Don't these idiotic bond traders know the price of Slim Jims have increased 150%?

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 11:49 am

"Average hourly earnings were up 0.4% vs. 0.2% last month."

Ooh, 0.4% of $7.50 = 3 cents!! That's much better than 0.2% = 1.5 cents!! Obama is God!!

orygoon August 5, 2011 at 12:48 pm

"Obama is God!!"

But not, to our ongoing woe, the smiting sort.

Limeylizzie August 5, 2011 at 11:50 am

OT I just saw a little item that says that Ralph Nader is looking for someone to primary our Barry. God, I loathe that prune-faced , egomaniacal man, Ralph not Barry.

nounverb911 August 5, 2011 at 11:56 am

Someone should take him for a ride in chauffeur driven Corvair.

GuyClinch August 5, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Why doesn't he just do it himself? Does he know that just about everybody who voted for Gore in 2000 reviles him? Could that be it?

SorosBot August 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

As do the vast majority of people who voted for him in 2000.

SexySmurf August 5, 2011 at 12:06 pm

As much as I loath to agree with Nader, I'm hoping Elizabeth Warren challenges Obama; maybe then he'll stop being such a pussy/Wall Street lackey.

SorosBot August 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Nah; I'd like to see her run for Senate against Brown, which she could actually win.

Doktor Zoom August 5, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Elizabeth Warren in the Senate would totally kick ass. She's a nerd goddess.

SexySmurf August 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm

She can sit in the corner with Bernie Sanders and watch hillbillies from Wyoming and Idaho kill every piece of meaningful legislation before it even comes up for a vote.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:26 pm

See? The System is working! Jefferson wanted a democracy of small gentleman farmers, which is to say plantation owners with slaves to do the actual "work" (and meet his other needs at night). And that's we have, sort of. The Kochs own the plantation, and we all work there, until we're laid off.

Rotundo_ August 5, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I'd rather have two senators with souls than one or none. More is always better.

Chet Kincaid August 5, 2011 at 2:01 pm

So obviously, the answer is to primary Obama, not to chip away at the Hillbilly Caucus!

gurukalehuru August 5, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I nominate Al Franken. Because he's good enough, he's smart enough and doggone it, people like him.

Negropolis August 6, 2011 at 12:04 am

Given how much money is in presidential campaigns these days, unless you're Bill Gates, you're not going to be able to seriously challenge the president, so I say go for it. I've always been for primaries of incumbents, particular ones who got in negative ruts and didn't want to move, in the small "d" democratic sense.

Limeylizzie August 6, 2011 at 12:09 am

So, now we got downgraded , I can only imagine what fresh hell the Republicans will come up with, even though S&P aportioned the blame more to their side than Obama .

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 11:51 am

Ooooh! Fireworks! Pretty!

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 11:52 am

I'll have little time to comment today, as I'll be figuring out what to do with my .04% raise. Another yacht or another house. . .hmmm. . .?

poncho_pilot August 5, 2011 at 12:03 pm

get yourself gilded.

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I'm already fairly jewel-encrusted, but it beats watching poor people eat my profits, so why not?

poncho_pilot August 5, 2011 at 12:39 pm

i think the only correct relationship between the Chosen Wealthy and the Poor should involve much degradation. it's ok to give them jobs but they have to hate those jobs. i will use my money to rid the public sector of flush toilets and hire poor people to build and maintain latrines. they will also have to live next to the latrines.

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I like the way you think, Ponch, but I had no intention of actually paying these creatures. That only encourages self-worth in a savage.

James Michael Curley August 5, 2011 at 1:01 pm

That sent a chill through my hobo beans. I thought you said gelded.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:27 pm

If you were a Job Creator, you'd build a steel mill and hire 1,000 scabs to work there. But obviously you don't understand how capitalism works.

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I just love the term, Job Creator–like the wealthy "express" themselves by creating jobs. Jobs are not created, they are grudgingly provided so that someone else can make lots and lots of money.

Radiotherapy® August 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm

I'm still trying to sell my yacht. Wanna buy it?

widestanceroman August 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Excuse me, did you suggest I buy a used yacht?

GuyClinch August 5, 2011 at 11:53 am

So why are farm jobs not included? Because they're seasonal? Because it's just browns anyway? A jerb's a jerb! And if by seasonal they mean temporary, can't most jobs be classified that way these days?

weejee August 5, 2011 at 11:56 am

Farm jerb work is just too picky.

OneDollarJuana August 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Farm jobs a) don't pay enough to count and b) don't employ US citizens.

freakishlywrong August 5, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Because it doesn't pay enough to qualify as a jerb.

GuyClinch August 5, 2011 at 12:19 pm

And presumably flipping anusburgers 12 hours a week does pay enough to qualify as a job? *Heavy despairing sigh*

Rotundo_ August 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm

In some places they are: Scott Walker was terribly excited that Wisconsin added several thousand jobs in the last few months. This, of course, was for maids, waitresses and pixie dust sprinklers on the rides and hotels of the Dells, but he was real excited and was countin' them for his 250,000 jerb campaign promise. BTW, the day after Labor Day, the maids, waitresses and pixie dust sprinklers are sent packing…

MissusBarry August 5, 2011 at 11:55 am

Bet all the good jerbs went to brown furriners, not real 'murkins, therefore socialist muslin kenyan presnit is evil.

hagajim August 5, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Don't we need to create like 400,000 jobs to just stay treading water? This seems like more backsliding to me.

BlueStateLibel August 5, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Yes, that is about right (per month), just to keep up with population growth. America needs to either: A) start making jobs, or B) stop making babies. You decide!

WhatTheHeck August 5, 2011 at 12:03 pm

The latest trend is to hire interns with no pay – for which they should be grateful to have a jawb.

I think we should become a nation of interns, then we wouldn't have to worry about silly things like pay, insurance and taxes.

smitallica August 5, 2011 at 12:05 pm

See? Those Republican job-creating initiatives of defunding Planned Parenthood and NPR are working! SUCK IT, libtards!!

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Couldn't they just selectively destroy NPR? "Story Corps" would be a good start.

Ruhe August 5, 2011 at 12:29 pm

This is just my sentiment based on daily exposure to it but it seems to me that NPR has actually really tightened up their journalistic chops since being threatened by the Republicans. I detect a generally tougher, less patient with bullshit talking points tone on NPR right now.

Doktor Zoom August 5, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Steve Innskeep doesn't brook any nonsense. Fuck with him and he will cut you.

Doktor Zoom August 5, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I can't think of anything amusing to say about our crappy economy, so I'll just link to this cute video of a mariachi band serenading a beluga whale.

(Apologies in advance to any parents for whom the word "beluga" triggers a Raffi Flashback)

V572 Coif of Destiny August 5, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Nice, but los mariachis were lacking one of those mega-bass guitars.

Doktor Zoom August 5, 2011 at 12:40 pm

They only bring that along when they serenade Orcas.

(n.b.: I have a friend in Tucson who is one of the few gringas to play trumpet in a Mariachi band…women in Mariachi are somewhat rare, though it's changing. Shit, I miss Tucson.)

baconzgood August 5, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Unions? NAH! We don't need to spend another nickle on a cheeze-berger so my kids can eat….at the same place I work….Wait….I work where I eat……I eat where I work…..

(insert music notes here)

"Load 16 Tons a'n wadda' ya' get'
'nother day old'r 'n deeper in debt"

hollywooddood August 5, 2011 at 12:08 pm

This is good news for Reagan. Trickle down is a success!

proudgrampa August 5, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Well, the good news is that stocks are a lot cheaper, now! So, by all means, take 10% of that $1.45 an hour job you got and buy stocks!!

Terry August 5, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Speaking of jobs, I wonder if the Governor of Georgia found anyone (prisoners or otherwise) to pick all those crops…

fuflans August 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

we are escaping to canada for the weekend and driving thru the heartland. it is beyond depressing.

good thing we got those spending cuts.

OneDollarJuana August 5, 2011 at 12:28 pm

we're escaping to a small burg in N Cal that apparently survives on Social Security, Welfare, and Meth. Always makes us feel better about our lives.

orygoon August 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm

My musician son put together (what should be an annual, we hope) summer chamber-music festival in a fabulous little town meeting that very description in N Cal. So if you are near that place, you have even more to feel better about.

OneDollarJuana August 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm

That wouldn't have anything to do with mandolins, would it?

orygoon August 5, 2011 at 1:29 pm

No. The performers were mainly students or grads of the San Francisco Conservatory, where, as far as I can tell, the mandolin is a neglected object of scholarly endeavor.

owhatever August 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

It's so good to have unleashed the power of those job creators so the stock market does not crash.

Callyson August 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

From the Business Insider link:
You can download the full report here, although at the moment the BLS website is down.
Yo, BLS, time to hire some IT people…

Ruhe August 5, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Well, my wages certainly did go up a bit last month but that was only because I was 0.2% more likely to be dicking around on Wonkette while on the clock.

kissawookiee August 5, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I heard anusburger futures are up now that SantorumJelly has hit the market.

donner_froh August 5, 2011 at 12:34 pm

At this rate the Dow should be able to beat yesterday's loss of 500 points by mid-afternoon. The economy has finally got some momentum!

Beetagger August 5, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I'm so fuckin' unemployed that even the Walmart greeter looks down on me.

OneDollarJuana August 5, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Before everyone gets too depressed about Depression 2, remember that the best comedies that Hollywood put out were made during the Depression. Should give us something to look forward to. Now if we can just get those ticket prices down a bit …

GunToting[Redacted] August 5, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Unfortunately all Hollywood has to work with is Jack Black and Mike Myers.

poncho_pilot August 5, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Wonkette: The Movie?

neiltheblaze August 5, 2011 at 12:49 pm

So what gives? It seems I'm not allowed to comment on the Roseanne Barr post – or even reply to anyone. I didn't have anything to say particularly, but geesh, that's never stopped me.

BaldarTFlagass August 5, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I'm sure it's just a glitch in the Matrix and everything will be fine soon. Unless Hugo Weaving busts through your wall with a Glock in the meantime.

Lascauxcaveman August 5, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I'm still looking for two night/weekend managers for my hotel. A large 2 bedroom downtown apartment (all utilities incl) awaits you, my unemployed hobo Wonkette friends.

orygoon August 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Grump. I applied for a different job in YourTown, and they have recently rejected me, which makes me feel unloved. Bitter tears over not being embraced in the Rain Shadow, with many more to follow when summer turns to endless drizzle.

Lascauxcaveman August 5, 2011 at 6:02 pm

I'm sure you were a one-in-thousand applicant. Or maybe just one-of-a-thousand.

El Pinche August 5, 2011 at 1:12 pm

This is good news for Dollar-Tree

Weenus299 August 5, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Blow jobs shouldn't count.

rocktonsam August 5, 2011 at 9:49 pm

hand jobs?

thats a job too

vodkamuppet August 5, 2011 at 1:17 pm

This would be encouraging if I even gave a shit anymore. Also, these numbers are off by at least 1 since I already quit the shitty night job I got last month because it was making me fuck up at my shitty day job that I also hate.

Radiotherapy® August 5, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Clearly, now is the time to get rid of the minimum wage. That will unleash the job creators.

Cicada August 5, 2011 at 2:32 pm

If grocery stores and landlords would just start accepting hobo beans in lieu of cash, we wouldn't need no stinking minimum wage.

Jerry Fjord August 5, 2011 at 1:29 pm

The recession is over, again (pt 11)!!!

smashaduck August 5, 2011 at 5:09 pm

"Fewer tears".

rocktonsam August 5, 2011 at 9:48 pm

can I has a job at Goldman Sacks now please?

Doktor Zoom August 5, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Or as CMOT Dibbler would put it, meat and named meat

Chet Kincaid August 5, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Brother Maurice will be around in a minute with a bucket filled. In it: squirrel meat!
http://mdc.mo.gov/hunting-trapping/small-game/how

BlueMonkeh August 5, 2011 at 12:19 pm

so, yes

Lascauxcaveman August 5, 2011 at 12:43 pm

children of inattentive parents

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