At some point during the Iraq War, the United States decided not only to torture and unlawfully imprison all the furriner brown people it could get its hands on; it also decided to start torturing and unlawfully imprisoning its own citizens as well. Hooray for totalitarianism! During the war, Old Rummy Rum gave one of his most delicious, most favoritest “abduct and probe” orders for an Army translator working with the Marines, who was then held/molested/interrogated for nine months without charge and without being able to contact anyone.  After his release, this man decided he wanted to personally sue the hell out of Donald Rumsfeld for personally overseeing his illegal detention, to which we say, GOOD. Rumsfeld’s extracurricular torture projects, however, are something the roundtable of Nobama Knights feel obliged to defend. Luckily for the dignity of all humanity, one sane judge told the Obama administration to eff off:

The Obama administration has represented Rumsfeld through the U.S. Justice Department and argued that the former defense secretary cannot be sued personally for official conduct. The Justice Department also argued that a judge cannot review wartime decisions that are the constitutional responsibility of Congress and the president. And the department said the case could disclose sensitive information and distract from the war effort, and that the threat of liability would impede future military decisions.

But U.S. District Judge James Gwin rejected those arguments and said U.S. citizens are protected by the Constitution at home or abroad during wartime.

“The court finds no convincing reason that United States citizens in Iraq should or must lose previously declared substantive due process protections during prolonged detention in a conflict zone abroad,” Gwin wrote in a ruling issued Tuesday.


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  • justkillmenow

    Can we please leave Donald's pants ON?

    • flamingpdog

      Damn! The first thought that popped into my mind, too.

    • mull_man

      May the known unknowns remain so.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh no no. The pants deserve to be snatched away. And, if it just so happens that Rummy's dick gets caught in the zipper and ripped off in the process, then so be it.

    • Not_So_Much

      Um, yeah, all those words should never, ever be in the same sentence. Nobody wants to see his garter belt or colostomy bag…

    • nanooknw

      Yeah, I'll second that. Who knows what sort of nasty vermin will be
      released on the world from those pants. Shudder!

      Make's Pandora's box seem almost fun!

  • nounverb911

    "You go to court with the defense you've got, not the defense you want."

  • Come here a minute

    I have little doubt that this was one of our very own brown citizens, 'cause that's the way the Bushies roll.

  • Suddenly, the Teabaggers make Tort Reform the most important issue in US America today.

    • nounverb911

      Except for when they want to sue their Hoveround supplier after the wheels fall off and they have to walk.

      • SayItWithWookies

        They'll realize that after it's too late, just like voting to end someone else's Medidare.

  • nounverb911

    "Luckily for the dignity of all humanity, one sane judge told the Obama administration to eff off:"
    Seems to be a lot of that lately.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Rock on…go get 'em!

  • Steverino247

    May I suggest an out-of-Court settlement? Send Rummy to the Hague in exchange for dismissal of the suit. Call it an "out-of-country" legal settlement.

    • Arken

      Do we have time to rebuild Spandau Prison? I hear the place where it used to be is a vacant lot these days.

      • Steverino247

        I think Lubyanka would be a much better place. And since the Russians like Obama enough to wish him a happy birthday, perhaps Donnie could just, you know, go to sleep and wake up there.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        An ass-rape prison in Juarez would work just fine and cost the taxpayers a lot less.

        • Steverino247

          I like how you think.

          (Which is probably a scary thing to admit!)

  • edgydrifter

    You hook your anal torture probe up to the truck battery you have, not the Honda generator you might wish to have.

  • SorosBot

    While it would be great to see Rumsfeld pay for what he's done, it would be better to see him in a criminal trial instead of just a civil one.

    • Guppy06

      No no, impeachment was "off the table," so that Nancy Pelosi could get a majority in the House in 2008 for… something… I think…

      • PristinePantalones

        Impeachment is a *political* remedy. It would have served no purpose since Bush was stepping down anyway. It would just have made things worse at the time, and we would still be living with the fallout.

    • mumbly_joe

      I dunno, I think it's Endangering America not to consider the possibility of military commissions. After all, can we really afford to take the "law enformencent " approach to those who violate the laws and customs of war? I doubt it.

      • LesBontemps


  • hagajim

    Why does our hero want Rummy's pants? Is he a ghey? Actually I hope he sues and wins a gazillion dollars off that fucker and maybe he can sue Cheney's ass off as well.

    • DaRooster

      "…and maybe he can sue Cheney's ass off heart(?) out as well."

  • The Obama administration has represented Rumsfeld through the U.S. Justice Department and argued that the former defense secretary cannot be sued personally for official conduct.

    Hope and/or Change, people!

  • user-of-owls

    I am trying to imagine his testimony looking something like this

  • V572 Coif of Destiny

    "The Justice Department also argued that a judge cannot review wartime decisions that are the constitutional responsibility of Congress and the president." And of course Congress knew nothing about them, and Chimpy can't be sworn, so: no problem! Honestly, some of these professional victims just don't understand how The System ®℠©™ works.

    Seriously, of all the Obama disappointments, this one is the hardest to bear. Good thing my stocks are way up in value and I can retire comforta —- whu?

    • Sue4466

      At least you'll be able to fly somewhere on a nice vacation knowing the plane's been inspected and the FAA is . . . oh, wait.

      • But your grandchildren will still be able to step outside, breathe some clean air, and admire the scenery…oops, nah

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Don't worry. The Federal Government will step up spending to prime the pump, lifting us out of this recession like we have always done before . . . .

    • the_problem_child

      At least you'll have a nice public option when your heart attack resulting from shock at your stocks hits … Oh well.

  • user-of-owls


    "Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things i know i know. i also know there are known unknowns; that is to say i know there are some things i do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones i don't know i don't know."

    JUDGE: ??!?!??!

    • Sounds like Rummy's unloading a roundabout way of sayin' ∆xpħ/2 to me.

      • not that Dewey

        Are you certain about that?

        • Sweet Dewey

          • not that Dewey

            I'm going to start exclaiming that when I stub my toe.

    • prommie

      In corporate CEO world, wherein Rumsfeld has dwelt most of his life, that level of intelligence and awareness is par for the course, and thats why Rummy was so excessively proud of the fact that he was aware of the possibility that there are things in the world he knows not of. Talk about belaboring the obvious. Congratulations, Rummy, you're smarter than Rick Santorum, good for you (said in the manner of Christian Bale speaking to a lighting technician).

  • Its a shame that the translator dude can only bring a civil suit. I would prefer a war crimes trial.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Though Don wasn't Dick, he was still quite a dick.

  • SexySmurf

    If this Army translator is not a terrorist then how come he's suing a man who's job it was to protect America from terrorists? Therefore he is now a terrorist, and his torture is retroactively justified.

    And if that doesn't work Rumsfeld could always plead insanity.

    • PristinePantalones

      Unfortunately, he would fail either prong of the sanity test.

  • user-of-owls

    JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

    RUMSFELD: "If I know the answer I'll tell you the answer, and if I don't, I'll just respond, cleverly."

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      To which he added

      RUMSFELD: As you know, ah, you go to trial with the facts you have—not the facts you might want or wish to have at a later time.

    • PristinePantalones

      JUDGE: $@!@(&*$!!!

    • prommie

      "Do I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Why do I answer questions with a question? Why shouldn't I answer questions with a question?"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    OT, just noticed that I passed 5,000 comments. I'M THE KING OF THE TIME-WASTING WORLD!!

    Do I get some kind of crap-tacular prize?

    • No downfists for the next hour!

    • emmelemm

      Our undying love and eternal gratitude. (Don't spend it all in one place.)

    • Doktor Zoom
    • AJWjr.

      Damn, this joint used to hand out "iphones".

    • I prommies never to eat you.

      • prommie

        I resemble that remark.

    • prommie

      A crap-tacular prize, that would be the Brass-Plated Donald J. Trump Medal of Classy First Class Excellence, Presented by the serially bankrupt Inheritor himself.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, what a Defense Secretary does in the privacy of his own war really isn't the court's business.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Erik Holder just pooped a little in his pants.

    • GOPCrusher

      I wonder if he ever rethinks the decision to not aggressively investigate the Bushyt Cabal for war crimes?

  • In any civilized country someone in Rum-Tum's position would have been fallen on his own sword or at least been scapegoated so we could get back to business. Add the fact that he's violated the sacred Constitution, broken US and international laws, and is STILL a free man is yet another example of our fucked up sense of justice.

    Real Americans, here's your make-America-better mission, instead of keeping children of immigrants from getting an education or 'proving' Socialist-protector-of-the-downtrodden Barack Insane Obama is from some other country.

    Oh, and good for the veteran.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      he's violated the sacred Constitution, broken US and international laws, and is STILL a free man is yet another example of our fucked up sense of justice.

      Well, ya see, he's rich, so normal rules don't really apply.

  • Redhead

    Can't we just leave Rumsfeld and Cheney in a room with a bunch of loaded shotguns? The problem would resolve itself…

  • user-of-owls

    JUDGE: Plaintiff has compiled a substantial body of evidence implicating you directly in the crimes you have been charged with. Would you care to comment on this evidence?

    "There's another way to phrase that and that is that the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. It is basically saying the same thing in a different way. Simply because you do not have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that it doesn't exist."

  • user-of-owls


    First, all of Rumsfelds words are direct quotes from his word-gargling mouth

    • They're like reverse koans. He's actually saying so much less than we're hearing.

  • Guppy06

    I know a certain federal judge who will be found dead by suicide in a few days!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Apropos of odious, scum-sucking, hateful motherfuckers, guess who's going to Norway?

  • Tommmcatt

    Does anyone else get the idea that not a single one of these ratfucks, Republican or Democrat, not a single elected representative in any of the branches of government, NOT ONE, gives a good goddam about the rights or dignity of anyone making less than, say, $250,000 year? Does it seem to anyone else that they look at the rest of us like a big, unwashed labor pool and are edging us toward a kind of economic servitude where we eke out a bare minimum existence so that Paris Hilton and her ilk can bedazzle their dogs' assholes with pink diamonds and other such Versailles-style nonsense?

    Seriously, does it? Because I am seeing my therapist this afternoon and it would be good to know if I am imagining it, along with the that fucking dancing bear that keeps coming around my office looking for Viagra and blow. Do you guys have a bear like that? Do you?

    ADD: He says his name is Schlomo. Schlomo the Cocaine Bear. Anybody know a Schlomo Bear?

    • Maybe if you stopped giving him Viagra and blow he'd stop coming round.
      But yes, I think your first paragraph pretty much hits the nail on the head.

    • Banelm

      Yep. Its been pretty clear for awhile now that Republicans will fight on behalf of the top 1%, and Democrats will fight for the top 10%. Everyone else is just having the value accumulated during the New Deal Era slowly squeezed out of them, collectively.

      • RavenRant

        Democrats fight!?! Bwa ha ha ha ha.

        Actually, too pitiful to be funny.

    • CalamityJames

      Actually, at this point the question is "does anybody care anymore?"

      I've stopped paying my bills, gonna save up some money and buy a gun, might buy one bullet, might buy a bunch. Put simply, fuck it, I'm out.

      • PristinePantalones

        I'm there myself.

  • mumbly_joe

    You know who else wants to "turn the page" on war crimes by pretending they didn't happen or weren't war crimes?

    • Mark Foley?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Rush Limbaugh, from September 12, 2001 until that uppity nigger Obama was elected?

    • SorosBot

      Benjamin Netanyahu?

    • Tommmcatt

      Maria Ouspenskaya?

      • Angry_Marmot

        The path you walk is thorny, through no fault of your own.

    • sezme

      Mrs. Ratko Mladic?

    • tcaalaw

      Ariel Sharon?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Bob Seger &/or Metallica?

  • user-of-owls

    The Judge, upon consultation with legal and psycholingistic professionals, ordered the Rumsfeld to be put in a full body straight jacket including a gag and thence remanded the defendant to the State Hosipital for the Criminally Insanse until the next scheduled review in 2081. Done with his duties, the Judge shed his robes, and all his earthly possessions and moved to lower Siberia, where he is now considered a master in Tuvan Throat singing…

  • user-of-owls

    The jurors were featured in a short lived Reality TV show, Who Gets The Jacket! When the show fell apart without even completing season, virtually every juror either drank themselves to death, od-ed on drain cleaner or committed 'suicide by cop.' The lone exception was Mrs. Conny Spirazzi, who join Orly Taitz' crusade for the truth, since Conny now had the skinny on the missing link: Rumsfeld.

    IN CONCLUSION: Another brilliant display of justice being served in our most exceptional nation.!

  • WinterOuthouse

    The evil fucker deserves tobe battered and deep fried.

    • Battered and deep fried? What's next? A mani-pedi?!

  • SayItWithWookies

    It's taken far too long, but at least the damn train is moving. These fucking people who tortured our own citizens without so much as filing a charge against them deserve the absolute worst. And I'm sure there's a memo with Yoo or Bybee's signature on it saying that it's okay, and Dubya's big fat dumb approval at the bottom. This is what they meant by American exeptionalism — the right to do whatever we want because we're inherently morally just, even when committing evil. Let's see how that holds up in court.

    • Leave Georgie out of this. That could be any hillbilly's 'X' on the approval's signature line.

  • sezme

    Donald Rumsfeld + Courtroom + Cage + Hospital Bed + Live Television = Justice

    • PristinePantalones

      Not "justice." "ORGASM."

  • sezme

    Witness for the prosecution: Louis CK.

  • Callyson

    Lawyers for the man, who is in his 50s, say he was preparing to come home to the United States on annual leave when he was abducted by the U.S. military and held without justification while his family knew nothing about his whereabouts or even whether he was still alive.
    I've got your family values, right here…

  • pinkocommi

    It would be nice to see Rumsfeld balancing on a box with a hood over his head and electrodes on his genitals.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Jeesh, you liberals, it's not like Rummy got a blow job next to the oval office or anything.

  • Negropolis

    I want to see the guy brought to justice as much as the next guy, but for the love of god allow him to keep his pants. A pantless Rumsfeld is yet another crime against humanity we must not allow.

  • Papa_Uniform

    Well at least we might get Eric Holder to stop spending all him time deporting the browns so he can help out his and Barry's friend Rummy. Our Justice Department's gotta protect real 'merikins.

  • poncho_pilot

    class action lawsuit. please.

  • worrierqueen

    JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

    Rummy: The known truths, the unknown truths, or the truth of the unknown?

  • ttommyunger

    This evil gazilionnaire won't even see the inside of a Courtroom, much less a prison cell. As usual, the lawyers are clicking their brandy snifters together and shouting: "WIN!".

  • MiniMencken

    Can't be sued personally for official conduct? What was that town in Germany? Nurem-something?

  • The worst thing Rummy ever did to Murrika is interrupt us while we were watching OW MY BALLS

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