JUSTICE REPORT  4:01 pm August 4, 2011

Hero Veteran Gets Court Permission To Sue The Pants Off Donald Rumsfeld

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

At some point during the Iraq War, the United States decided not only to torture and unlawfully imprison all the furriner brown people it could get its hands on; it also decided to start torturing and unlawfully imprisoning its own citizens as well. Hooray for totalitarianism! During the war, Old Rummy Rum gave one of his most delicious, most favoritest “abduct and probe” orders for an Army translator working with the Marines, who was then held/molested/interrogated for nine months without charge and without being able to contact anyone.  After his release, this man decided he wanted to personally sue the hell out of Donald Rumsfeld for personally overseeing his illegal detention, to which we say, GOOD. Rumsfeld’s extracurricular torture projects, however, are something the roundtable of Nobama Knights feel obliged to defend. Luckily for the dignity of all humanity, one sane judge told the Obama administration to eff off:

The Obama administration has represented Rumsfeld through the U.S. Justice Department and argued that the former defense secretary cannot be sued personally for official conduct. The Justice Department also argued that a judge cannot review wartime decisions that are the constitutional responsibility of Congress and the president. And the department said the case could disclose sensitive information and distract from the war effort, and that the threat of liability would impede future military decisions.

But U.S. District Judge James Gwin rejected those arguments and said U.S. citizens are protected by the Constitution at home or abroad during wartime.

“The court finds no convincing reason that United States citizens in Iraq should or must lose previously declared substantive due process protections during prolonged detention in a conflict zone abroad,” Gwin wrote in a ruling issued Tuesday.

[AP]

 

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{ 105 comments }

justkillmenow August 4, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Can we please leave Donald's pants ON?

flamingpdog August 4, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Damn! The first thought that popped into my mind, too.

mull_man August 4, 2011 at 4:44 pm

May the known unknowns remain so.

elviouslyqueer August 4, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Oh no no. The pants deserve to be snatched away. And, if it just so happens that Rummy's dick gets caught in the zipper and ripped off in the process, then so be it.

Not_So_Much August 4, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Um, yeah, all those words should never, ever be in the same sentence. Nobody wants to see his garter belt or colostomy bag…

nanooknw August 6, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Yeah, I'll second that. Who knows what sort of nasty vermin will be
released on the world from those pants. Shudder!

Make's Pandora's box seem almost fun!

nounverb911 August 4, 2011 at 4:02 pm

"You go to court with the defense you've got, not the defense you want."

Come here a minute August 4, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I have little doubt that this was one of our very own brown citizens, 'cause that's the way the Bushies roll.

ManchuCandidate August 4, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Suddenly, the Teabaggers make Tort Reform the most important issue in US America today.

nounverb911 August 4, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Except for when they want to sue their Hoveround supplier after the wheels fall off and they have to walk.

SayItWithWookies August 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

They'll realize that after it's too late, just like voting to end someone else's Medidare.

nounverb911 August 4, 2011 at 4:07 pm

"Luckily for the dignity of all humanity, one sane judge told the Obama administration to eff off:"
Seems to be a lot of that lately.

DashboardBuddha August 4, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Rock on…go get 'em!

Steverino247 August 4, 2011 at 4:08 pm

May I suggest an out-of-Court settlement? Send Rummy to the Hague in exchange for dismissal of the suit. Call it an "out-of-country" legal settlement.

Arken August 4, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Do we have time to rebuild Spandau Prison? I hear the place where it used to be is a vacant lot these days.

Steverino247 August 4, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I think Lubyanka would be a much better place. And since the Russians like Obama enough to wish him a happy birthday, perhaps Donnie could just, you know, go to sleep and wake up there.

BaldarTFlagass August 4, 2011 at 4:40 pm

An ass-rape prison in Juarez would work just fine and cost the taxpayers a lot less.

Steverino247 August 4, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I like how you think.

(Which is probably a scary thing to admit!)

edgydrifter August 4, 2011 at 4:09 pm

You hook your anal torture probe up to the truck battery you have, not the Honda generator you might wish to have.

SorosBot August 4, 2011 at 4:11 pm

While it would be great to see Rumsfeld pay for what he's done, it would be better to see him in a criminal trial instead of just a civil one.

Guppy06 August 4, 2011 at 4:50 pm

No no, impeachment was "off the table," so that Nancy Pelosi could get a majority in the House in 2008 for… something… I think…

PristinePantalones August 4, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Impeachment is a *political* remedy. It would have served no purpose since Bush was stepping down anyway. It would just have made things worse at the time, and we would still be living with the fallout.

mumbly_joe August 4, 2011 at 6:00 pm

I dunno, I think it's Endangering America not to consider the possibility of military commissions. After all, can we really afford to take the "law enformencent " approach to those who violate the laws and customs of war? I doubt it.

LesBontemps August 5, 2011 at 9:09 am

Nice.

hagajim August 4, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Why does our hero want Rummy's pants? Is he a ghey? Actually I hope he sues and wins a gazillion dollars off that fucker and maybe he can sue Cheney's ass off as well.

DaRooster August 4, 2011 at 5:45 pm

"…and maybe he can sue Cheney's ass off heart(?) out as well."

ifthethunderdontgetya August 4, 2011 at 4:12 pm

The Obama administration has represented Rumsfeld through the U.S. Justice Department and argued that the former defense secretary cannot be sued personally for official conduct.

Hope and/or Change, people!
~

user-of-owls August 4, 2011 at 4:12 pm

I am trying to imagine his testimony looking something like this

weejee August 4, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Or this.

V572 Coif of Destiny August 4, 2011 at 4:13 pm

"The Justice Department also argued that a judge cannot review wartime decisions that are the constitutional responsibility of Congress and the president." And of course Congress knew nothing about them, and Chimpy can't be sworn, so: no problem! Honestly, some of these professional victims just don't understand how The System ®℠©™ works.

Seriously, of all the Obama disappointments, this one is the hardest to bear. Good thing my stocks are way up in value and I can retire comforta —- whu?

Sue4466 August 4, 2011 at 4:23 pm

At least you'll be able to fly somewhere on a nice vacation knowing the plane's been inspected and the FAA is . . . oh, wait.

starfanglednut August 4, 2011 at 4:30 pm

But your grandchildren will still be able to step outside, breathe some clean air, and admire the scenery…oops, nah

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 4, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Don't worry. The Federal Government will step up spending to prime the pump, lifting us out of this recession like we have always done before . . . .

the_problem_child August 4, 2011 at 9:54 pm

At least you'll have a nice public option when your heart attack resulting from shock at your stocks hits … Oh well.

user-of-owls August 4, 2011 at 4:22 pm

RUMSFELDS OPENING STATEMENT:

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things i know i know. i also know there are known unknowns; that is to say i know there are some things i do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones i don't know i don't know."

JUDGE: ??!?!??!

weejee August 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Sounds like Rummy's unloading a roundabout way of sayin' ∆xpħ/2 to me.

not that Dewey August 4, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Are you certain about that?

weejee August 4, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Sweet Dewey

not that Dewey August 4, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I'm going to start exclaiming that when I stub my toe.

prommie August 5, 2011 at 11:07 am

In corporate CEO world, wherein Rumsfeld has dwelt most of his life, that level of intelligence and awareness is par for the course, and thats why Rummy was so excessively proud of the fact that he was aware of the possibility that there are things in the world he knows not of. Talk about belaboring the obvious. Congratulations, Rummy, you're smarter than Rick Santorum, good for you (said in the manner of Christian Bale speaking to a lighting technician).

Maman August 4, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Its a shame that the translator dude can only bring a civil suit. I would prefer a war crimes trial.

BaldarTFlagass August 4, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Though Don wasn't Dick, he was still quite a dick.

gurukalehuru August 4, 2011 at 5:02 pm

But Dick was the Don

SexySmurf August 4, 2011 at 4:27 pm

If this Army translator is not a terrorist then how come he's suing a man who's job it was to protect America from terrorists? Therefore he is now a terrorist, and his torture is retroactively justified.

And if that doesn't work Rumsfeld could always plead insanity.

PristinePantalones August 4, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Unfortunately, he would fail either prong of the sanity test.

user-of-owls August 4, 2011 at 4:28 pm

JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

RUMSFELD: "If I know the answer I'll tell you the answer, and if I don't, I'll just respond, cleverly."

Fukui_sanYesOta August 4, 2011 at 5:12 pm

To which he added

RUMSFELD: As you know, ah, you go to trial with the facts you have—not the facts you might want or wish to have at a later time.

PristinePantalones August 4, 2011 at 10:07 pm

JUDGE: $@!@(&*$!!!

prommie August 5, 2011 at 11:09 am

"Do I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Why do I answer questions with a question? Why shouldn't I answer questions with a question?"

BaldarTFlagass August 4, 2011 at 4:31 pm

OT, just noticed that I passed 5,000 comments. I'M THE KING OF THE TIME-WASTING WORLD!!

Do I get some kind of crap-tacular prize?

Jerry Fjord August 4, 2011 at 4:48 pm

No downfists for the next hour!

emmelemm August 4, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Our undying love and eternal gratitude. (Don't spend it all in one place.)

Doktor Zoom August 4, 2011 at 5:22 pm
AJWjr. August 4, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Damn, this joint used to hand out "iphones".

Sharkey August 4, 2011 at 8:11 pm

I prommies never to eat you.

prommie August 5, 2011 at 11:09 am

I resemble that remark.

prommie August 5, 2011 at 11:11 am

A crap-tacular prize, that would be the Brass-Plated Donald J. Trump Medal of Classy First Class Excellence, Presented by the serially bankrupt Inheritor himself.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 4, 2011 at 4:31 pm

You know, what a Defense Secretary does in the privacy of his own war really isn't the court's business.

SudsMcKenzie August 4, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Erik Holder just pooped a little in his pants.

GOPCrusher August 4, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I wonder if he ever rethinks the decision to not aggressively investigate the Bushyt Cabal for war crimes?

Jerry Fjord August 4, 2011 at 4:32 pm

In any civilized country someone in Rum-Tum's position would have been fallen on his own sword or at least been scapegoated so we could get back to business. Add the fact that he's violated the sacred Constitution, broken US and international laws, and is STILL a free man is yet another example of our fucked up sense of justice.

Real Americans, here's your make-America-better mission, instead of keeping children of immigrants from getting an education or 'proving' Socialist-protector-of-the-downtrodden Barack Insane Obama is from some other country.

Oh, and good for the veteran.

BaldarTFlagass August 4, 2011 at 4:38 pm

he's violated the sacred Constitution, broken US and international laws, and is STILL a free man is yet another example of our fucked up sense of justice.

Well, ya see, he's rich, so normal rules don't really apply.

Redhead August 4, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Can't we just leave Rumsfeld and Cheney in a room with a bunch of loaded shotguns? The problem would resolve itself…

user-of-owls August 4, 2011 at 4:36 pm

JUDGE: Plaintiff has compiled a substantial body of evidence implicating you directly in the crimes you have been charged with. Would you care to comment on this evidence?

RUMSFELD:
"There's another way to phrase that and that is that the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. It is basically saying the same thing in a different way. Simply because you do not have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that it doesn't exist."

user-of-owls August 4, 2011 at 4:39 pm

AFTERMATH OF RUMSFELD CASE:

First, all of Rumsfelds words are direct quotes from his word-gargling mouth

Jerry Fjord August 4, 2011 at 4:46 pm

They're like reverse koans. He's actually saying so much less than we're hearing.

Guppy06 August 4, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I know a certain federal judge who will be found dead by suicide in a few days!

elviouslyqueer August 4, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Apropos of odious, scum-sucking, hateful motherfuckers, guess who's going to Norway?

Callyson August 4, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Let's hope that leads to a Viking revival: http://www.google.com/imgres?q=vicious+vikings&am

PristinePantalones August 4, 2011 at 10:12 pm

I haven't heard that they have valid visas.

Tommmcatt August 4, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Does anyone else get the idea that not a single one of these ratfucks, Republican or Democrat, not a single elected representative in any of the branches of government, NOT ONE, gives a good goddam about the rights or dignity of anyone making less than, say, $250,000 year? Does it seem to anyone else that they look at the rest of us like a big, unwashed labor pool and are edging us toward a kind of economic servitude where we eke out a bare minimum existence so that Paris Hilton and her ilk can bedazzle their dogs' assholes with pink diamonds and other such Versailles-style nonsense?

Seriously, does it? Because I am seeing my therapist this afternoon and it would be good to know if I am imagining it, along with the that fucking dancing bear that keeps coming around my office looking for Viagra and blow. Do you guys have a bear like that? Do you?

ADD: He says his name is Schlomo. Schlomo the Cocaine Bear. Anybody know a Schlomo Bear?

gurukalehuru August 4, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Maybe if you stopped giving him Viagra and blow he'd stop coming round.
But yes, I think your first paragraph pretty much hits the nail on the head.

Banelm August 4, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Yep. Its been pretty clear for awhile now that Republicans will fight on behalf of the top 1%, and Democrats will fight for the top 10%. Everyone else is just having the value accumulated during the New Deal Era slowly squeezed out of them, collectively.

RavenRant August 7, 2011 at 3:26 am

Democrats fight!?! Bwa ha ha ha ha.

Actually, too pitiful to be funny.

CalamityJames August 4, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Actually, at this point the question is "does anybody care anymore?"

I've stopped paying my bills, gonna save up some money and buy a gun, might buy one bullet, might buy a bunch. Put simply, fuck it, I'm out.

PristinePantalones August 4, 2011 at 10:13 pm

I'm there myself.

mumbly_joe August 4, 2011 at 4:55 pm

You know who else wants to "turn the page" on war crimes by pretending they didn't happen or weren't war crimes?

gurukalehuru August 4, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Mark Foley?

elviouslyqueer August 4, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Rush Limbaugh, from September 12, 2001 until that uppity nigger Obama was elected?

SorosBot August 4, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Benjamin Netanyahu?

Tommmcatt August 4, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Maria Ouspenskaya?

Angry_Marmot August 5, 2011 at 12:06 am

The path you walk is thorny, through no fault of your own.

sezme August 4, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Mrs. Ratko Mladic?

tcaalaw August 4, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Ariel Sharon?

horsedreamer_1 August 8, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Bob Seger &/or Metallica?

user-of-owls August 4, 2011 at 5:04 pm

OTHERS INVOLVED IN THE CASE
The Judge, upon consultation with legal and psycholingistic professionals, ordered the Rumsfeld to be put in a full body straight jacket including a gag and thence remanded the defendant to the State Hosipital for the Criminally Insanse until the next scheduled review in 2081. Done with his duties, the Judge shed his robes, and all his earthly possessions and moved to lower Siberia, where he is now considered a master in Tuvan Throat singing…

Sharkey August 4, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Oh.

Oh my.

user-of-owls August 4, 2011 at 5:05 pm

The jurors were featured in a short lived Reality TV show, Who Gets The Jacket! When the show fell apart without even completing season, virtually every juror either drank themselves to death, od-ed on drain cleaner or committed 'suicide by cop.' The lone exception was Mrs. Conny Spirazzi, who join Orly Taitz' crusade for the truth, since Conny now had the skinny on the missing link: Rumsfeld.

IN CONCLUSION: Another brilliant display of justice being served in our most exceptional nation.!

WinterOuthouse August 4, 2011 at 5:06 pm

The evil fucker deserves tobe battered and deep fried.

KenLayIsAlive August 4, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Battered and deep fried? What's next? A mani-pedi?!

SayItWithWookies August 4, 2011 at 5:06 pm

It's taken far too long, but at least the damn train is moving. These fucking people who tortured our own citizens without so much as filing a charge against them deserve the absolute worst. And I'm sure there's a memo with Yoo or Bybee's signature on it saying that it's okay, and Dubya's big fat dumb approval at the bottom. This is what they meant by American exeptionalism — the right to do whatever we want because we're inherently morally just, even when committing evil. Let's see how that holds up in court.

Jerry Fjord August 4, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Leave Georgie out of this. That could be any hillbilly's 'X' on the approval's signature line.

sezme August 4, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Donald Rumsfeld + Courtroom + Cage + Hospital Bed + Live Television = Justice

PristinePantalones August 4, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Not "justice." "ORGASM."

sezme August 4, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Witness for the prosecution: Louis CK.

Callyson August 4, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Lawyers for the man, who is in his 50s, say he was preparing to come home to the United States on annual leave when he was abducted by the U.S. military and held without justification while his family knew nothing about his whereabouts or even whether he was still alive.
I've got your family values, right here…

pinkocommi August 4, 2011 at 5:57 pm

It would be nice to see Rumsfeld balancing on a box with a hood over his head and electrodes on his genitals.

Radiotherapy® August 4, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Jeesh, you liberals, it's not like Rummy got a blow job next to the oval office or anything.

Negropolis August 5, 2011 at 12:27 am

I want to see the guy brought to justice as much as the next guy, but for the love of god allow him to keep his pants. A pantless Rumsfeld is yet another crime against humanity we must not allow.

Papa_Uniform August 5, 2011 at 1:52 am

Well at least we might get Eric Holder to stop spending all him time deporting the browns so he can help out his and Barry's friend Rummy. Our Justice Department's gotta protect real 'merikins.

poncho_pilot August 5, 2011 at 2:57 am

class action lawsuit. please.

worrierqueen August 5, 2011 at 7:53 am

JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Rummy: The known truths, the unknown truths, or the truth of the unknown?

ttommyunger August 5, 2011 at 11:36 am

This evil gazilionnaire won't even see the inside of a Courtroom, much less a prison cell. As usual, the lawyers are clicking their brandy snifters together and shouting: "WIN!".

MiniMencken August 5, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Can't be sued personally for official conduct? What was that town in Germany? Nurem-something?

Camaro Nova August 5, 2011 at 5:56 pm

The worst thing Rummy ever did to Murrika is interrupt us while we were watching OW MY BALLS

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