On the Ground At Barack Obama’s Birthday/Ramadan Festival

  happy birthday

bike terrorist!President Obama is celebrating his birthday tonight, with Jennifer Hudson and those treadmill-dancing fellows. He is doing this in Chicago, so your Wonkette decided to give up a perfectly good Wednesday evening to try to go hear Rahm Emanuel yell some swears. This did not happen, and overall it was a very boring street gathering of Poors unable to pay their way inside. But we took pictures anyway, so there you go.

Our President decided to hold his birthday fiesta at the Aragon Ballroom, which is located in Chicago’s Uptown neighborhood, home of immigrants, refugees, meth addicts and lunchtime drive-bys. The Crazies did not really act out any more than usual, and did not really seem to care that President Obama was having a $$$uper fun 50th while they waited for their food stamps to be reloaded. There was a brief moment of excitement when a biker man in a black skirt and pink pigtails decided to just pedal on through the security barrier, forcing Chicago police to waddle over to him, yelling “Hey you, uh, stop that!”
no poors allowed
Bored people waiting outside thought that maybe Barry would come “say hi” but HA HA, he does not do that, silly Poors.
america, in summary
We were especially disappointed that there was no Tea Party “Jobs Bash” at the bar across the street. We thought that maybe they had been scared off by the Ethiopian restaurants and Pride flags, but oh, it also turns out that you can’t just have organized events at bars that hate you, according to the guy checking ID at the door. “I’m sure you will see them around the neighborhood, looking glassy-eyed and out of place,” he said, with hate in his eyes. Happy birthday, Barry!

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About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

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172 comments

  1. OC_Surf_Serf

    wait..its already tomorrow in Kenya, so his birfday was yesterday…

    How do the baggers keep up with all this?

      1. GodShammgod

        57! Hur hur hur he said there were 57 states once! Hur hur hur he's so stupid! Teleprompter! Jimmy Carter!

  2. Beowoof

    What the fuck, Obama's birthday is a big fucking deal, in Chicago and Nairobi. And Emanuel didn't even have the fucking courtesy to cuss anyone out. Epic fail.

      1. V572 Hair of Destiny

        Jonah Goldberg is working on his "How can Barry party while others need jobs?" column right now.

        1. PristinePantalones

          I thought K-Lo wrote those and Jonah just rewarded her with a pearl necklace. No? Damn, it's gettin' harder to come up with anything fapworthy any more.

    1. emmelemm

      I could think of a number of people I'd rather see hit with a baseball bat more than Boehner, but, yeah, I'll take it.

          1. PsycWench

            I am frantically working on a new course that is right at the limits of my expertise. I still love everyone and am hoping to reengage maybe next week.

            As for Bachmann, she is way past psychologist and in meds+ straitjacket territory.

  3. Sue4466

    Maybe for his 50th, he'll get a shiny new spine to help stand up to the GOP's next hostage taking?

    Haahaahhhhaaaa! That won't happen. He's still a Democrat.

      1. flamingpdog

        The guys at the Onion don't even have to work hard anymore. Obama writes the stories for them.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Never gets old. Especially since I am from the ONION's ancestral home — & know plenty of people about whom that article could be.

          Looking at you, doughty Irish-American Teatard proprietor of the sports-bar 'round the block from my house.

    1. orygoon

      Hell, it doesn't have to be shiny and new. The right old used gross model would do. Say, Ivan the Terrible's, or Macedonian Alexander's.

  4. Nothingisamiss

    Not just John Boehner as pinata, but the whole fucking mess of them. Lots of the rethugs like this, though, so…lose.

    Maybe Burke didn't stay late enough, maybe they gave free hobo beans out to the drunks that remained passed out on the street.

    1. flamingpdog

      Sorry, but every free can of hobo beans given out to drunks passed out on the street brings a tear* to the eyes of the Koch brothers, and we can have none of that!

      *of rage

    1. flamingpdog

      His Birthday? No. Your birthday and the birthday of all the other Wonketeers? We all might want to check our calendars.

      1. noodlesalad

        My letter to Santa this year will definitely have a trigger option, which will allow for more presents if a certain level of presents is not reached by December 26, 2011.

  5. Negropolis

    This is a worthless birthday bash without Beyonce popping out of a cake singing a sultry take on "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." Jennifer Hudson is the better singing, but lower rent, Beyonce.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Jennifer Hudson is alright, but she's no Marilyn Monroe.

      ♬ ♪ Happy Biiiiiiirthday Mr. Prezzzident, Happy Birrrrrthday tooooo yoooo…♬ ♪

    2. Limeylizzie

      Oh I think she is a much better singer and doesn't get lightened up on magazine covers , as much as Beyonce.

      1. V572 Coif of Destiny

        Too much Blackitude narrows your market share. That's why Time
        put virtual Kiwi shoe polish on OJ .

      2. Chet Kincaid

        I hope she dedicated a rip-snorting, uppity rendition of "And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going!" from "Dreamgirls" to the Teabaggers after singing "Happy Birthday".

  6. axmxz

    What do you mean, no Tea Party bash? Then who hung out the " ⃠bama" sign with the reverse-slash zero?

    1. keepem_sikanpor

      Preceded by cheesy poofs and swallowed down with Mountain Dew. Heart attacks aplenty for the wing nuts is my birthday wish for Barry. I'm very mad at him but I still wish these things.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Happy Birthday, President Obama! Between your adversaries and your allies you've sure kicked up a shitstorm for your five-oh, but I'm still on your side. No, don't cry…

          1. PristinePantalones

            Usually, I only get that enthusiastic reaction to offers to take OFF my pantalones. You haz wounded my ego, and now I haz a sad.

          2. PristinePantalones

            Nah, I was just fishing for the offer. Can't blame me for trying, right? Right?

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      I'm with you on this one, it's hard out here for an Obama pimp…while I wish he'd do the 'angry black guy' (btw, what happened to him?) and kick some major Boner/ Cuntor/ McTurtle ass I still think he's making SOME progress, it's just never enough for us commie librulz

      1. finallyhappy

        I am not fooling myself- no way that voting for some third party candidate or some GOP tool would help us by destroying us.I'm wearing my Obama button again- BECAUSE it is campaign season. Any chance BIden will be replaced?

        1. BlueMonkeh

          Hey – I may need a new gig. And I'm from a red state. And I'm a middle aged white female. Married, matched set of kids, dogs and cats. Near perfect demographics to balance the kenyanmuslinsocialistcommiefascist top of the ticket.

          I'd be willing to hang up my jeans,t-shirt & flip-flop software developer uniform to hit the trail with Hopey. And as long as I don't get too drunk I probably won't even say anything too stupid.

          Can someone nom-nom-nominate me?

  8. PrimlyStable

    Did he eat any birthday cake BEFORE the sun went down? If not, this is proof that he is a secret Muslin.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      congrats, I'm ACTUALLY 52 last month and somewhat grateful to have made it this far w/out exploding from an aneurysm just from living in this fucked up cuntry…I know too many who didn't make it this far…

      1. finallyhappy

        I'm 58 and have an MRI next week- just in case I do have something growing in my head(let's hope- as I do-that it is stress and not some alien being- puppet master)

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Thank you all! You're so kind, but my birthday was several months ago. I'm 50.x years old, actually.

  9. Weenus299

    It is the Kenyan tradition whereupon when the male reaches 50, he begins his reelection campaign.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Louie was too busy strategically placing broken fence pickets with rusty nails sticking out around the perimeter of his property.

  10. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Obama announced before hand that he would only go if they had Cake, but in the end accepted the granola that Michelle brought in a baggie.

    1. Negropolis

      Michelle then threw both cake and granola out the window for which the president hailed the birthday event as an example of a grand bargain and compromise. Everyone in attendence clapped, and then individual cakes were brought out to half of the guest.

  11. NorthStarSpanx

    @SarahPalinUSA
    Hmmmm really America? I can win over Half-Black 50 yo washed-up has-been celebratin nations debt with ChiMafia in bball and POTUS 2012.

    1. 102415

      Who knows? There is another idiot from there following me uselessly around as of this very evening.This one is a real meany weeny. Not like that sad old pussy downfister spanky.
      Hey asshole Chou en Lai, here is your very first message from me. " …..haven't got the stomach for it"? More like you haven't got the brains for it.
      Well KenLayIsAlive, they can say r****ded over there all they want too apparently. I'm kind of impressed but then it's self descriptive for them so maybe that's how they get away with it. Still, it's nice to be noticed even if it's only a demented right wing stalker with nothing else to do or even a wee little pus spewing robot.

  12. Chet Kincaid

    Just a little local color for you downstaters (i.e. everyone not from Chicago): The Aragon is one of three Grand Shithole last-century ballrooms near that particular corner in Uptown. The Riviera Theatre and The Aragon now host hipster rock, Mexican and Salsa shows, and the sound and amenities are atrocious. How fitting a fundraising birthday party place for these interesting times!

    The Green Mill Jazz bar where the Teabaggers were supposedly gonna gather to heckle is famous for being owned by Al Capone and for launching the Poetry Slam. I spent more time slamming (and winning) there than you guys should know about. I would like to see some teabaggers drag their sorry asses into that scary, "Urban"/Latino/Asian neighborhood to start some shit! That would be hilarious.

    Or maybe it's all gentrified now — I haven't lived a hop-skip from that area since 1998, so maybe the Teabaggers can just drive around in pickups jeering at the yuppies for not voting in 2010.

    1. not that Dewey

      I left in '93, so you have WAY more recent intel than I do. I wasted much of my youth in all of those very fine establishments you just described, and it's a delight to know that hipsters can now celebrate the President's birthday there, rather than just take a bunch of acid and watch Ministry concerts (not that I would know anything about that…)

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Remember when one of Ministry's earlier, poppier tunes got used in a Michelob commercial? It was weird later, when they signed that exclusive deal with Smack.®

        1. not that Dewey

          I thought it was Old Style (?), but yes. Fucking sell-outs.

          The Smack era produced some of their best material — "Just One Fix" and "Jesus Built My Hotrod" totally made up for their earlier, commercialistic work.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            I remember there was a big scandal when a local junkie poet died, and people blamed Jourgensen and the heroin scene around Ministry. This was back in the days when flame wars raged via snail mail in the letters section of The Reader.

    2. fuflans

      no it's not fully gentrified. getting there but certainly not for baggers. would love to see a scooter besuited teatard try to rough it up on lawrence and broadway.

      back in 1998 we had a closing night party at some fab space on lawrence and kenmore. we let our sole teen age cast member get a cab home alone.

      but we were closing 'titus andronicus' so it was appropriate.

    3. Dashboard_Jesus

      thanks for the personal history lesson Chet, I always learn somethin' from yer posts…my maternal family's from southside Chicago and I know nothin' about it

    4. Limeylizzie

      Oh God, Chetkincaid I used to to the Green Mill all the time! I loved the old man who used to play piano there and I would always ask him to play some random tunes from WW2 and earlier and he would look at me and go "Your'e too young how the hell do you know these?"

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Well, most Sunday nights between 1988 and 1993, I was there reading and/or competing. I think I only went there for the music on a different night once in all those years. I lived two neighborhoods down, near Irving Park and Ashland, from about '92 to '98, and roamed far and wide from Ukranian Village and Wicker Park to Rogers Park, in search of Bohemia.

        1. not that Dewey

          I lived at Wolcott/Division from '90 – '93. I would occasionally do a slam at a bar at Milwaukee & Damen around that time (don't remember the name — I've slept since then), and of course at the venerable Bop Shop (where Mrs Dewey and I later got married!)

          We probably met in a previous life.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            There were a lot of bars and coffeehouses around the "Artistic Crotch" of Damen, North & Milwaukee in those days that had poetry events. Back in the early '90s, the now-defunct Hot House was in the Flat Iron Building, and I was involved with the Guild Complex's readings down there.

  13. Maman

    He makes the fancy people go to Uptown so they remember to be grateful that he is President and not Romney or any other Repug.

  14. V572 Hair of Destiny

    Well when Mitch McConnell's Super Congress Debt Reduction Committee starts going through the budget line by line, this is the kind of event that will get whacked right away.

  15. Doktor Zoom

    I celebrated Barry's birthday by watching Troll 2, arguably the Worst Movie Ever Made.* I tell you, it was so bad that I kept myEYES WIDE OP….

    Oh, fuck, I'm just tired of it.

    In any case, I have come down with a return of the summer cold that I thought I was rid of, so goodnight. Tomorrow I shall watch Best Worst Movie, the documentary about the cult following that Troll 2 has acquired.

    ——-

    *I still think the title may belong to Manos, The Hands of Fate, but it's been a few years since I've seen it. I have a feeling that while Manos is indeed more thoroughly inept and incompetent in every aspect of film craft, Troll 2 may be more consistently batshit insane in its ineptitude and incompetence, which may give it the edge.

    1. not that Dewey

      I heard Troll 2 was SO BAD IT GIVES YOU SHIVERS and that it's NOT HOW BAD IT IS, BUT HOW IT MAKES YOU SUFFER that counts.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      Oh…you said "Manos"!

      Every frame of that film looks like someone's last known photograph.

    3. SudsMcKenzie

      My favorite movie review was for the "Love Guru", cant remember who the reviewer was;

      "Its not that this movie is good or evil, it takes you to a place beyond good and evil where your alone, in the dark, naked, cold and shivering".

  16. keepem_sikanpor

    Apparently an undetermined period of time prior to a Demoncrat who is President turns 50, he/she may appear all Reptilian. Good to know. Happy birthday, Barry. You're still my number one but COME ON already!

  17. orygoon

    I house- and dog-sat for some out-of-town friends for my 50th birfday. I meditated about it all day, which means I sulked, with Boris and Otto to help a little. Then I went to a kind of street festival and, when eating a soft, squishy brownie or cookie or something, a little part of one of my teeth just fell out. Guess what, Mr. President? Your body's warranty has run out. The decline might be gentle, or it might be ugly, but it's all downhill now.

  18. 102415

    Oh no. It's KDS52 now all snoopy. Off dooty. Troll 2 all right. The time these idiots waste.Me? I like to sit back and imagine how the Big Government takes the money right out of his wallet and transfers it direct deposit right into my bank account. The more he makes the more I get. I'm spending it on an ice cold beer right this minute. Thanks! All my abortions and birth controls are free now along with my Pell grants and SS and midnight basketball and PBS. I wouldn't have any of those things if he didn't work night and day. What a great guy.

    1. imissopus

      No no no, Obama sold us out! Please stop posting links to detailed arguments that contradict our narrative, we might have to stop feeling bitter and sorry for ourselves!

    2. lulzmonger

      Nice … but the Chicken Little Lobby will merely use this damning evidence to prove that you're in the back pocket of Big Sky.

    3. johnnyzhivago

      "Why that's a very good analysis!!! Of course the Democrats won this… Now, pull up your pajamas, and get back to your nice padded room. I hear a new episode of Mythbusters is coming on tonight and you don't want to miss your dinner – it's meatloaf, your favorite!!!"

    4. not that Dewey

      Thanks for the perspective, Chet. I've gotta go use those on my wingy liberal facebook friends.

      Even libunatic bulwark TPM is starting to recognize this new fact.

      "As for the Tea Party, it seems that on the debt ceiling, even when they win, they lose."

    5. Nostrildamus

      If those analyses are right what Obama has done is crafted a long-term winning strategy to counter the GOP's relentlessly short-term thinking.

      Hope, hope, hope.

    6. ShaveTheWhales

      Interesting analyses. Let's say I'm not totally persuaded (there's a blurry line between analysis and rationalization), but I certainly hope the writers are correct in their optimism.

  19. fuflans

    see forget all this debt crap and bagger reigns of terror and untaxed gazillionaires. i just don't think a party that hires 'Reince Priebus' can be taken seriously.

    i mean, confess. have you ever read a paragraph containing that name and not done a spit take? and then asked yourself: "what self respecting political party would let itself be headed by Reince fucking Priebus??!?!

    1. anniegetyerfun

      "Barack Obama" took some getting used to, but at least it rolls right off the tongue, you know? Reince Priebus is both kind of difficult to say, and sounds filthy.

    2. Negropolis

      Barack Obama isn't exactly a traditional American name that just rolls off the tongue, either. It's no mistake the guy went by Barry for most of his childhood and adolesence.

      Admittedly, Reince Priebus does sound like some incurable but treatable disease.

  20. SorosBot

    The talk of Uptown makes me miss Chicago, which is easy to do this time of year; but not in the winter. It's home to the best Indian food I've ever had.

    1. not that Dewey

      I know. It sucks. But if you go back now, you're just gonna have to repeat the last 3 days' worth of crap (plus whatever crap you haven't experienced yet), and you don't want to do that.

      Did I neglect to mention that this would be an uphill sack race, through briar patches and enemy fire? No. I didn't need to tell you that. You knew it would be. The purpose of the withdrawals is not to punish you for what you've already done, but to serve as an object lesson in why you shouldn't do it again.

      Listen — I'm not very good at playing the martinet. I could go get DustBowlBlues so she can administer her patented Tough Love Ass-Kicking™ — it's VERY effective.

      Just call me if it happens again. It appears you got my message.

      I find it hard to believe you don't know
      The beauty that you are.
      But if you don't, let me be your eyes
      A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid

    2. user-of-owls

      Day Four….come on you dizzy children, another day, another ride! wee! Kinda like watching someone on a tightrope, isn't it?

  21. zappadoo76

    From the article: "HA, he does not do that, silly Poors."

    The poorz will always be with you, but I will not always be with you. — Matt. 21:11

  22. fartknocker

    Fuck a bunch of birthdays. If I wake up in the morning, it's kind of like a new day for me at my age. I'm too young to retire on my lifestyle of drinking Jack Daniels and eating South Texas food like brisket and mexican food.

    Happy fucking birthday Mr. President. I'll still vote for you next year. But I really hope Michelle gives you a larger ball sack and nuts the size of lemons so you can scare the shit out of John Boehner. He's a gaping asshole – as if you didn't know.

  23. donner_froh

    Aragon Ballroom–Lawrence Ave. and the El tracks if I remember correctly. A couple of boxers I worked with got their starts their. Pretty cool.

  24. Terry

    "it also turns out that you can’t just have organized events at bars that hate you, according to the guy checking ID at the door"

    This is awesome.

    The tea baggers wouldn't be in that area, anyway. Too many ethnics, immigrants, and gay people. They all could be seeeeekrit mooslims.

  25. BlueStateLibel

    The teabaggers are terrified of cities, no need to worry about that. They'd be panicked just to walk down a small stretch of Fifth Avenue by the Museum of Modern Art in broad daylight. But when did Hopey stand out on the balcony and tell all the poors to eat cake?

  26. poncho_pilot

    yay! he can celebrate failing, too. since i'm turning 33 in a month, i can think of nothing but Jesus. if Jesus had a 34th b-day, i wonder what it would've been like. because he kind of blew his load by 33. all down hill from there, achievement-wise.

  27. horsedreamer_1

    Chicago’s Uptown neighborhood, home of immigrants, refugees, meth addicts and lunchtime drive-bys

    Don't forget the Jesuits. If memory serves — & it prolly doesn't — I recall Loyola U. being around there. But I was only there, once, for a Weezer show at the Aragon, May 2005.

  28. rocktonsam

    sorry chicago couldn't turn out for ya mr. president, there is a pennant race going on ya know.

  29. ttommyunger

    Fox talking heads decrying how much of the taxpayer's money was spent on this party in 3…..2…..1…..

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