It appears that this country might actually continue to exist for a little while, so our FLOTUS Michelle Obama will probably come out of hiding now, to politely suggest that everyone wipe their tears, put down the anusburgers and jump on a treadmill. Of course, America never likes these sort of suggestions from the First Lady, and she knows it. Last week, she sort of acknowledged McDonald’s for deciding to reduce the calories of its Happy Meals, and some people lost their cool. Fox News must either order a lot of these Happy Meals or really hate apples (probably both, because apples are elitist), because the Crazy really kicked into high gear. Deranged photo contests ensued.
McDonald’s announced last week that it will try to cut back slightly on the amount of poison it serves to children. It will do this by continuing to include French fries with its Happy Meals but also adding in a few pieces of an apple, a change that says, “Hey, here is an apple, you should probably eat this, but if you choose to throw it in the garbage along with your health, we really don’t care.” Michelle Obama then said something along the lines of, “Eh, that’s fine, call me when you come up with something better.” And then the Logic Train got violently derailed just out of the station and Michelle Malkin commanded her illiterate rebel militia to assemble on Photoshop.
With the approval of First Nutritionist Michelle Obama, McDonald’s is getting rid of caramel apple dip, reducing the French fries portion, and adding more apples to its Happy Meals offerings.
They won’t rest until the Happy Meal has undergone the total Berkeley makeover.
Next up: Goodbye, hamburgers. Hello, tofu burgers.
Goodbye, fruit juice boxes. Hello, kale/wheatgrass boxes.
I’m running out to Sonic before right now before they get their grubby Nanny State hands on my cheesy tots and cherry limeade.
Okay, all my wonderful Photoshop friends and readers. I know you can come up with better designs than mine. Send me your best Unhappy Meal makeover images and I’ll post the best! Winner of the contest gets a Sonic gift card.
Here is how Michelle Malkin’s fans tried out to be on McDonald’s new marketing team, for free tater tots.
This artist longs for a McDonald’s Meat Lovers McCannibal Sliders! In this protein-infused lunch option, three babies injected with all sorts of delicious hormones are served medium rare on five layers of buns without a vegetable in sight.
In this piece, the artist demonstrates the boy’s pain as he is confronted with both a side of broccoli and some sort of pink clown toy. We are left considering how a healthy diet could jeopardize traditional gender roles.
And in this example, we see firsthand the unfortunate result of Photoshop software’s availabilty among America’s mentally ill. [MichelleMalkin]
{ 120 comments }
Goddam Nazi apples!
"An apple a day or we blow your head off."
–America's public school teachers
Har har that's SO funny. Oh wait, it's not. It's lame. No wonder conservatives have to steal from the liberal Hollywood elites they claim to despise every time they want something creative.
Go back to cleaning your guns and teaching your kids about Eve's pet dinosaur.
I would go with Adam's pet dinosaur. The mere mention of Eve gets them all in an uproar about everything being her fault to begin with.
Not to mention their likely dismay at Eve <gasp!> owning property!
LOL! How dare she get so uppity!
This passes for funny? No wonder "Two and a Half Men" is still on the air.
Michelle Malkin fans are watching reruns of Benny Hill.
You know who else loved their vegetables?
Teri Schiavo's parents?
Win.
win
Not too soon, apparently.
Hitler, vegetarian bastard.
He was a German vegetarian — he called bratwurst a vegetable.
Nancy Reagan?
The Ankh-Morpork Guild of Greengrocer's?
Gandhi?
Bugs Bunny?
Everyone who wants to get with Kortney?
And by "get with" you mean of course….?
Why, "plow," of course. Just like vegetable farmers.
Bugs Bunny?
Libunatics?
Comrade Popeye?
Farmers?
People with insuffient funds to purchase plastic sex toys?
If you eat too healthy then you will hang around too long and be a burden on the Koch Brothers wealth. Geesh, give em a large fry and let the prize be a pack of smokes.
I hope the new Debt Deal Sellout cuts funding to the FDA and meat-inspection laws–taxypayers shouldn't have to spend money to make sure teatards' MickyDee burgers don't contain ecoli.
Apparently Photoshop is available to them, but not books about how to use Photoshop. Call me when they learn about shadows and ray tracing.
Yeah like those tea bag fucks want to know how to do anything well.
Books?
But they know all they need to know about kerning, so there's that.
The ginger is crying because he just learned that he has no soul.
beware of the RED Apple.
"But Mommy, I WANT the pureed testicular gristleburger. I'm going to hold my breath for seven minutes, and when you rescusitate me, I'm going to have the brain carnage stew and vote for Bachmann!"
Cramming our faces full of anusburgers is what the Founders fought for, and by god, my kid isn't going to eat no socialist apples. I look forward to the day when he gets his first Hoverround and no longer has to waddle up to the counter himself.
This explains why Washington cut down that damned socialist apple tree.
Broccoli makes Baby Jesus cry.
I encourage Conservatives to double down, why stop at the happy meal just add a large fries and pair of Big Mac’s to all the little tykes meals. From my perspective it is a net good because the morbidly obese are less likely to breed in later life.
Chris Christie.
A requirement of these contests should be a brief review of "Photoshop for Idiots" before submission.
http://www.mydamnchannel.com/You_Suck_at_Photosho...
you're welcome.
mmmmm cherry limeade…
also fried cheese sticks. dipped in ranch. that shit is my favorite.
"Nanny State"? Really. No self-respecting teabagger should ever set foot in a state-run entity like McDonald's.
Can we send that Soros puppet to the next White House/Congressional Republicans negotiations?
"I’m running out to Sonic …"
Does Sonic actually exist? I'm pretty sure they are a practical joke, as I see their ads on the TV quite a bit but have never seen one, nor has anyone I know ever been to one or talked about them.
Well, they've apparently got Michelle Malkin advertising for them, so no surprise there…
It is a Midwest/SW chain, as far as I know. They have them in places like downstate Illinois, Indiana, Missouri, New Mexico, etc.
Supposedly they do use a higher quality meat than McD's, but of course that's like saying they use one ply toilet paper that isn't Soviet surplus.
They're pretty prevalent down here in South Texas. Still with carhops on roller skates.
In Texas, you can get anything fried.
Including, apparently, your cropland.
Sonic is actually pretty good. We had one here, but it's closed. And the McDonald's expanded.
As did their customers.
There are four sonics (and one being built) within 20 minutes from my house. Sonic is a fuckin' heart-attack disease attacking the infrastructure of Columbia SC.
There's at least one here in the capital of America's Dinghus™ that I never have been to but have driven by many times.
Sonic has a 2:00 to 4:00 'happy hour' on beverages, and styles itself the drink capital of the world. I appreciate the fact that they have Diet Sprite on tap, which allows me to give my child caffeine-free/sugar-free limeades, shirley temples, etc., and not always be the local health Nazi.
Their burgers also taste like real hamburger, fried in real fat, albeit not super high qualitly. It's a drive in styled vaguely like something from the 1950's. It's far from perfect, but it's much less loathsome that McD's.
I've had some friends and clients work for them here in South Texas, too, and their wage rates are much higher than McD's. It's still modern debt peonage, but if you are lucky and industrious, you can graduate from there to a job with a living wage. Hard to do from the House the Slave Arches Built.
Hey now, there are also a bunch of Sonics in librul California!! Albeit they're only in the god-fearing Orange County/Sacramento enclaves, and not in the hippie urban parts.
First one I ever saw was in Bakersfield, which I was passing through at the time. Then they opened one just 7 miles away from my house here in rural Nevada. Decent shakes, decent to good onion rings, everything else meh.
Here in Michigan, I know of exactly one Sonic. I went there and was underwhelmed. I did enjoy the variety of flavors of mixed corn syrup, which I think a commenter already mentioned and is my healthy diet weakness.
Now, what the fuck is Golden Corral? My teevee started showing me commercials for this place about six months ago, and I've never heard of it.
We even have one in lower slower DE!
Don't do it. You don't want to know.
Love,
MissusBarry
Fun fact: they sponsor perennial NASCAR loser, Dave Blaney.
I don't even know where to find a Golden Corral, so no chance of it anyway.
Some years ago we were on vacation in Hawaii. It was impossible to purchase a kids' lunch or dinner at any of the hotel restaurants that did not come with French fries.
This is crazy.
That was a stunner for us too, how incredibly unhealthy the food in a tropical growing paradise like that is. It's also one of the heaviest states, so I guess no real surprise.
You really want to see some wait staff stumble? Go into any restaurant anywhere in Murrika, and ask if you can get a kids meal with something like green beans or whatever in place of the ever-present fries. Every time I try this for my 2-year-old, it takes about three restaurant staff to sort the whole thing out.
So, we don't eat out a lot.
Hey Wingtards, if you want your kids want a burger and fries so bad, stop bitching about Happy Meals, and instead just waddle your fat asses down to Safeway, buy some ground beef and a bag of potatoes and make them your damn self.
ARE YOU CRAZY? Don't you know it's the duty of every red-meat blooded, tea drinking American weekend alchoholic to support the modern indentured servitude of the fast food 'service economy'?
Besides that, the sore heat rash/skin hot spot between their porcine legs gets sweaty and hurts more when you cook.
But they haven't had the few remaining nutrients totally sucked out of them if you cook them yourself. Or the fine fillers and sugars and msg added to make you crave them all the more. Your children might self-regulate if you feed them from scratch home-made food. And then they'd be underweight. And some brocoli might slip into the bag of potatoes.
If Michelle worked this anything like her hubby the entire program message would consist of "At least put on clean sweatpants before you leave the house. Only if you want to. Or not. Here, take my car keys."
And then she'd be accused of being a socialist nazi anyway.
Meh. Call me when Malkin finally quits shooting day-old tater tots out of her rancid vagina.
Hehe. That's funny. "if you own a corporate jet, I'm taxing it". These morons are so programmed to repeat whatever they are told by the Right, that they don't even understand that the joke is on them.
we see firsthand the unfortunate result of Photoshop software’s availabilty among America’s mentally ill.
Not many of them exist that can use the PhotoShop, having seen TeaTard signage.
Do Phillipina cheerleaders eat dogs? Maybe the happy meal needs more dog meat.
I love cheesy tots and cherry limeade loooong time.
We should have a blingee contest. Theme: Anchor Babies.
"Hand me that broccoli, child! Sakes alive, it's a terrist plot to send anchor-nutrients into our bodies! 'n I dun't need no stinkin' neuterition forced DOWN MY CHILD’S THROAT that Gawd din't already put there whar HE took a mind to."
This, because I don't speak blingee~
But you have the patois down pat – are you the ghost of Mark Twain?
Oh how mad they get when sensibility destroys another one of their childhood fetishes — like cars without seatbelts, tungsten filament lightbulbs, smoking in the daycare center and three-eyed fish downstream from the PVC plant.
Most of them haven't mastered "not running with scissors" or "don't eat that paste".
hah, Ha. It's raining hard outside. Suck on it, Texas!
Does the debt ceiling deal finally eliminate federal funding for McDonald's? I think they forgot to post the bill online for three days so us patriots could "read" it.
Hey Teabaggers, feel free to change the font to ANYTHING besides Comic-sans. You can do that in Photoshop.
Lovely. Dispatches from the Malkin commentariat:
Notice, she’s not going after the Taco sellers. No one should come between Chelly and her tacos.
I thought that was tamales…she evidently isn’t going after them eiter. [sic] Hmmm, attacking traditional American culture comfort foods. Maybe she isn’t proud of the USA anymore.
This shit is rich, coming from a blog authored by Orly Taitz in bad Filipino drag.
I wonder if that was meant to be a blast directed at illegal immigrants? Because, the Mexican people I know eat nothing but Taco Bell.
What does she have against Chris Chelios?
I don't mind a nanny state, just as long as it doesn't speak in the jackhammer nasal accent of Fran Drescher.
I don't mind a nanny state, just as long as it doesn't speak in the jackhammer nasal accent of Mann Coulter or Laura Ingraham.
/fixed
Way to bust the kiddies' angioplasty balloon, Michelle.
Dear Mrs. Hopey FLOTUS,
Please ask you dear hubby to stop flossing his teeth on Boehner & McTurtle's pubes.
Thanks evahsomuch,
weejee and Mrs. weejee
And their sperm is NOT mouthwash.
I was hoping there would be a Michelle Obama-related post today, because I discovered this over the weekend, and I had to share it with teh wonkett.
(You want to have headphones on before you click that link. And maybe not click it at work…)
(Okay, DEFINITELY not click it at work, unless your workplace is as louche as mine)
Wow. Her(?) dance moves are every bit as good as her singing.
She's apparently quite the internet phenomenon. I found this song on Spotify, but you can actually spend money on her music on iTunes and Amazon. Yikes!
I just wonder how Sarah Palin will react when she finds out the job of "Queen of Vagina" is already filled…
I encourage all conservatives to request a large cup of fat from the deep fat fryer next time they visit McAnusburger and to make sure they drink it all down. Otherwise, you know, some hippie commie bastard will use it for biodiesel.
I encourage all conservatives to request triple feces in their double cheeseburger, because you know those damn libruls hate it when corporations serve feces so you'd really be pissing them off by doing so. Also, don't ever ever ever put your kids in a car seat and definitely don't worry bout sticking to the right side of the road on your way to the McDs. Laws are for pussies.
Madison Avenue called. Don't quit your day job.
As I see, a pancake burger, stalk of broccoli and a cup of water have transformed a screaming kid into a radiation-infected miniature Rocky Dennis.
Does the new Nanny State include the Nanny in "The Nanny and the Professor?"
Fat, stupid and conservative is no way to go through life, son.
"conservative" was redundant.
True
Stupid FLOTUS. I call for a protest. Today at the Dupont Circle McDonald's in DC at 4 pm. Hoveround accessible. Come in blackface. Don't forget your signs.
The little ginger bastard appears about as happy as an altar boy at the Diet of Worms.
Montana teatard Kristi Allen Gailushas approves.
http://wonkette.com/417692/teabag-lady-first-pers...
Cn't force nootrition down our throats!
I miss Josh so much.
Stupid asshat troll is stupid.
VILE WEED!
Michelle Malking saying "before they get their grubby Nanny State hands on my cheesy tots" is the grossest thing I've had to visualize all morning.
Your move, Aaron Schock.
This is a sad commentary on the state of mental health access in this country. Is there no one who is concerned enough about Michelle Malkin's well-being to have her admitted for psychiatric treatment?
When Reagan cut funding for mental health treatment, it was actually a brilliant political move on his part. Permanent Republican majority!!!11!
Nah, just add antipsychotics to her cheesy tots.
Gimme one o' them baby head happy meals right now.
What I don't understand is what conservatives have against America's vegetable producers. Why do you hate real-American, hardworking farmers, you fucks?
Sometimes I would throw the food out because all I wanted was the goddamn Chip and Dales Rescue Rangers helicopter.
I think my Little Mermaid Flounder squirt gun was the first toy I remember owning.
Too many of my childhood memories are intertwined with cooperate copyright.
In all honesty, is the apple slices side dish a NEW thing at McDonald's? Because in Glorious Socialist Canada they've had that for years. And my boys get the grilled chicken in a wrap, apple slices and milk. Realistically, they could serve a bag of vomit as long as they get that friggin' toy.
Let the teatards gorge themselves on all the fatty foods they want–it'll provide work for the cardiologists. Of course, after they've destroyed Medicaid, they'll have those $10,000 cardiologist bills to pay out of their $600 a week Walmart "salaries." Hope they have fun.
The suspense is killing—which one of those awesome photoshop images won?
Remember, flush twice; it's a half a mile to McD's.
Happy Meals? Who would feed their kid that shit? Malkin should be concerned when she's prosecuted for child abuse.
Comments on this entry are closed.