probably should have just stuck to the wikipedia page entry on 'islam'

2009 FBI Training Manual: ‘Muslims Are Weird and Not Like Us’

also on the recommended reading list!As recently as 2009, the FBI skkkool trained its new recruits about Islam with a little presentation titled “Things to use/consider for successful interviews/interrogations with individuals from the M.E. (Middle East).” Here’s a little pop quiz with the answers from the presentation. Q: What is “Muslim 101″ information about Muslims? A: Islam “transforms a country’s culture into 7th century Arabian ways.” Q: “Is Iran an Arab country?” A: “Iran is a Muslim country.” Q: Where are all the Muslims located? A: “They’re standing right behind you.” HAHA CREEPY okay not that last one, but the first two answers are verbatim from the training presentation. The third answer is implied if you do your reading carefully.

The homework included a few of those “Muslims are the devil” books used by such notorious hate-mongers as… here it comes, you know it’s coming…. the Norway mass murderer.

From the Danger Room:

Among the most provocative aspects of the presentation is its recommended reading list. One book offered is The Truth About Mohammed: Founder of the World’s Most Intolerant Religion, by Robert Spencer. Spencer is one of the ringleaders of the protest against the so-called “Ground Zero Mosque” and the co-founder of Stop the Islamicization of America, which “promotes a conspiratorial anti-Muslim agenda,” in the view of the Anti-Defamation League. A manifesto written by the Norwegian terror suspect Anders Behring Breivik cited Spencer 64 times. 

Another book cited is The Arab Mind, by Raphael Patai. The volume was briefly infamous in 2004, after Seymour Hersh reported its influence among certain Iraq war hawks in the wake of the Abu Ghraib scandal. According to Hersh, the takeaway of Patai’s book is that “Arabs only understand force” and are susceptible to “shame and humiliation.”

Raphael Patai is just John Ashcroft’s gay-sounding pen name, guys, come on. [The Danger Room]

What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    They should take us all to Home Depot's paint department and line us up near the swatches of white paint. If you are less then ecru, you have to be deported. They could call it the Department of Home Depotland Security.

    • DaSandman

      Ok you mauve looking little fuck, into the van!

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Barry won't be running as Taupey in 2012?

        • Barb

          No, no WeeJee, the "good blacks" get a pass. They are filed under "Ochre Winfrey" on the color scale.

        • LiveToServeYa

          Why not? Such is the audacity of taupe.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Except for Allen West, a true officer and a gentleman. He gets a pass.

      • PristineODummy

        Well, yes, but it's one-way, and to Hell. (They haven't told him yet. Plus, once all the sub-ecru are removed, who's gonna vote for West anyway?)

    • V572 Hair of Destiny

      What about all the Messicans looking for jobs, jobs, jobs in the parking lot?

      Honestly, I think the standard should be Parisian Boudoir Beige.

      • PristineODummy

        Too Frenchy. Also, cheese-eating-surrender-monkeyish.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The tanning salons are really going to take a hit if word of this gets out.

      • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

        That would be true if Obama hadn't already destroyed the industry with his job-killing tanning tax!

        Snooki/Melanoma 2012!

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Great idea to replace the other Homeland Security color-coded terror chart.

      • Limeylizzie

        See you guys, I'm kind of olive tinged.

        • Barb

          I'm sure many of us will marry you to give you a green card. We will just add "green card" to the color spectrum safety zone.
          Any of you guys willing to pitch in and marry Lizzie?

          • Limeylizzie

            I have a Green Card, it seems as if that isn't good enough anymore, for us legal aliens…

          • PristineODummy

            No, it's not. It definitely feels unsafe to be here, doesn't it? My condolences. On the plus side, hopefully, you look non-urban enough to fly under the radar.

        • PristineODummy

          I thought you were all blond and blue-eyed, an Aryan wet dream? No? Damn. (looks feverishly for fresh fapping material)

          • Limeylizzie

            Dark reddish blonde, green eyes, olive skin, like the love child of Judi Dench and Diane Cilento with a smidge of Simone Signoret. Fap away.

          • PristineODummy

            Oh, definitely fappable. I've always preferred redheads.

    • An_Outhouse

      Bye, bye Boehner. It was good to know you.

      (no it wasn't).

      • PristineODummy

        They'll have to get into the Country Club to arrest him, and you know they don't let the help in.

    • PristineODummy

      I'm WAY down the list from ecru. Should I start packing now, or hope those yobbos will have the decency to throw a clean change of underroos in the bags when they break down the door?

    • snoopyfan2010

      You know Mugabe used the other end of the color spectrum as his guide.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Anything in there about goat-fucking? I'm sure there is.

    • V572 Hair of Destiny

      Mickey Kaus guest-edited that chapter, which took a slightly different path than the editors expected.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      Mickey Kaus wrote that chapter.
      ~

      • FNMA

        Is it a "how-to" kind of thing?

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          I thoguht that Mickey limited himself to blowing goats, as he couldn't squat enough for the goat to get good penetration.

    • PristineODummy

      Horny, dear?

  • memzilla

    Anytime you add the word "fundamentalist" or "conservative" to any religion, you got problems. The point is, it's not the religion, it's the adjectival modifier. Funny though, we don't hear about problems with radical conservative Buddhists…

    ("adjectival modifier" ,,, finally, a use for my BA English!)

    • angryhaiku

      The radical conservative Buddhist agenda is always trying to take away my Slim Jim Monster Sticks, and making me give up my seat on the bus for elderly monks.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Shoalin warrior monks were the fundamentalist Buddhists of the Old West.

    • zhubajie

      Read up on the Sri Lanka civil war. You'll find plenty of fundie Buddhist monks eager to massacre Hindus. Then there's Burma….

      • V572 Hair of Destiny

        Or India v Pakistan, 1947-present.

        • Moonbat

          Not too many Buddhists in India or Pakistan, though.

          Not saying that fundie Buddhists wouldn't be all over that action, just that they're not there to get up in it.

          Yet…

          • V572 Hair of Destiny

            True. Just referring to the obvious-but-seldom-noted tendency of very religious people to kill each other.

          • PristineODummy

            Buddhism has been pretty much wiped out in both those countries since Asoka. (Well, they were one country then, but.)

      • PristineODummy

        As a matter of fact, the Buddhists tend to come out on the bottom (so to speak) of such struggles. As for "fundie Buddhist monks," there is no sect of Buddhism that permits the taking of life and no doctrine that supports that position, although, having lived among Buddhists, I have to admit that, like proponents of any other religious philosophy, they're adept at denial and pretzeling their doctrine to fit their deeds.

        "Mum, why are we buying chicken for dinner? I thought Buddha said we can't kill?"
        "We didn't kill it, the butcher did. It's his bad karma."

        • zhubajie

          >

    • V572 Hair of Destiny

      There's an article over at HuffPo about the 13 worst-paying college majors. Surprisingly, Engish is not among them!

    • smitallica

      Actually, I'm gonna go ahead and say it's the religion.

    • SorosBot

      Buddhism gets better PR than the other major religions, probably because it's popular with the hippies, but it's as bad as the rest; for one their monks are like Catholic priests in loving the child rape: http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2011/07/its_no

      • Moonbat

        It's not the religion, it's the fuckups who use it to further their own fuckedupness. I don't think Jeebus or the Buddha ever said anything in favor of kiddie rape and killing dudes because they think differently from you.

      • doloras

        Look up what the Dalai Lama has to say about homosexuality sometime.

      • PristineODummy

        Any time that anybody surrenders their autonomy to another, one invites abuse of one kind or another. All religions require such surrender, and therefore are ideal breeding-grounds for abuse. The authority assumed by religion is undoubtedly the most dangerous because it gives unlimited power over our very self.

    • slaeris

      There are absolutely fundamentalist and violent Buddhists.

    • PristineODummy

      Believe it or not, the Buddhists do squabble about doctrine, which is why you have the Mahayana/Hinayana/Theravada schools of thought. However, it's not that easy to get worked up about a religion whose central doctrine is calm, inward reflection and meditation, so they leave the impaling, beheading, etc., to those of a more muscular creed.

  • DaSandman

    "Transforms the country into 7th century ways?"

    Oh, he means Teabags!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Actually, more like 13th century. For the Crusades, you know.

    • Ducksworthy

      Actually its the lack of usury that does that.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Kinda like Boner beating his head against the debt ceiling?

  • DaSandman

    Actually the thing's a reprint from the seventies. They just took out the word "Negro" and replaced it with "Muslin"

    • BaldarTFlagass

      They love the "ctrl+F"

  • x111e7thst

    Muslins are the new Mexicans. It also works the other way around.

  • Oblios_Cap

    •They engage in a “circumcision ritual”

    Oh my god! They converted me 53 years ago and I just now found out!

    • tcaalaw

      Hah, a likely story coming from a self-confessed secret Muslin!

    • V572 Hair of Destiny

      Is that what happened? I wondered why Silvio down at the gym looks different in the shower.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      So Muslin menz are in reality just clean-cut Jewish boyz? Who knew?

      • V572 Hair of Destiny

        "People of the Book" as Chimpy used to call them. What, Xtians too? Got to rethink that.

    • GOPCrusher

      Obviously, a sleeper agent.

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    Hmmm. How much do you want to bet that Patai and Spencer both have a battered VHS with the rape scene from Midnight Express on perpetual loop.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Plus the part of Lawrence of Arabia where Jose Ferrer as the Turkish Bey strips down Peter O'Toole.

    • prommie

      They would never watch a movie directed by that commie pinko Oliver Stone. They watch the rape scene from Lawrence of Arabia.

      • AJWjr.

        You mean the cigar-on-camel rape scene, which was obviously Bill Clinton's inspiration?

  • jjdaddyo

    Muslins are weird 'cause they don't eat Fried Macaroni & Cheese like real 'Murricans.

    • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

      You can fry that?! I'm going to the kitchen.

      • jjdaddyo

        You must not be a Real 'Murrican if you don't know that you can batter-dip and fry ANYTHING. It's in the Constitution.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I'm sure poutine fits in this argument somewhere.

      • jjdaddyo

        ARRRGH! Who let those damn socialist medicine having, Muslin loving, gravy slurping Canucks in here!

      • MissusBarry

        A guilty pleasure for which I feel no guilt, since it's Canadian. Where's that poutine food truck parked today? Now I'm craving Eat Wonky.

        • Crank_Tango

          You have a camion de poutine?

          • MissusBarry

            Yeah, there's one in DC. Not only do they serve delicious poutine, but they also serve it piled on a big hot dog. And whoopie pies. It's a mobile heart attack and I usually get one of each. Thank goodness it doesn't park near me too often, or I'd be in the market for a used Hoveround in short order.

          • PristineODummy

            I don't think you can *get* a used Hoveround. You know, because the poor things are worn down to nubs before their riders can be prised off them and reseated on the new, larger replacement.

        • PristineODummy

          You can get poutine where you are? You lucky dog!

          • MissusBarry

            I know! I stalk the Eat Wonky truck like a motherfucking psycho.

          • Crank_Tango

            wait so eat wonky is a thing? and it has de la poutine? maybe DC isn't the festering shithole I thought it was…or maybe I should just find my own dang cheese curds here in norcal.

            side note, when I was studying in quebec, in the long long ago, they put miracle whip on top of their poutine, god bless them.

          • MissusBarry

            Indeed, http://www.eatwonky.com. I've always felt a good gravy makes or breaks it. The amount of thought and sampling involved is probably kinda ridiculous, but k-evers. And Miracle Whip on it, wow. I can see the flavors creating a beautiful harmony, but I think the richness might tip the scale in terms of my body rejecting it. Eh, fuck it, wouldn't be the only thing of that nature I'd go ahead and eat anyway. NorCal must be one of the worst places ever to try to indulge in a gluttonous treat.

      • PristineODummy

        I wouldn't know, but I do have the t-shirt.

        (It sez J'(heart) Montreal on the back.)

    • DahBoner

      Grilled macaroni, mmmm mmm…

      Only in America!

  • mumbly_joe

    2009 means this was Hopey's FBI presenting this crap.

    Honestly, I think the worst thing Obama did was failing to completely clean house when he came into office: CIA, FBI, Justice, Interior, everybody. Hell, take a note from what a couple of the Kochsucking governors have done with teachers, and fire them all and make them re-apply for their jobs. The fact that all those "loyal Bushies" were able to stay on in positions they were unqualified for has honestly been at least as big a problem as all the unfilled executive appointments.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      No kidding. What made Robert Mueller so indispensable that he is the first FBI director appointed to a second ten year term since the post-Hoover reforms?

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      True dat. Bush had a bunch of 20-something interns in the Green Zone de-Baathify Iraq, why couldn't Bammerz de-Bushify the executive branch? Oh yeah, right: he only wants to look forward. BIG DISAPPOINTMENT

      • Crank_Tango

        he definitely doesn't want to look to the left, that's for sure.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Who will be the new Frank Church?

    • V572 Hair of Destiny

      Hard to do with Federal Civil Service, where each employee's job is, by order of the Federal employees on the Supreme Court, his or her personal property, which cannot be taken away without just compensation. Little-known secret: the reason we didn't get a "peace dividend" at the end of the Cold War was that not one Federal employee was laid off.

      Oh plus Lockheed Martin, Boeing & co needed the revenue.

      • mumbly_joe

        But if we've learned anything from Monica Goodling, it's that if you have someone who's a sufficiently devoted underling, while the Important Folks are sufficiently unapologetic and feign adequite ignorance, you never have to worry about a little piddling thing like "the law" when it comes to hiring and firing decisions.

      • Moonbat

        Shirley Sherrod begs to differ.

        • V572 Hair of Destiny

          Interesting example, although not related to the Cold War drawdown. I believe Ms Sherrod resigned under extreme pressure from that distinguished statesman Tom Vilsack. Don’t know if she was a political employee (they can be fired), or FCS. They can make your life so awful that you’ll quit (e.g., by reassigning you to from Miami to Anchorage, or giving you impossible assignments on Friday afternoon with a Monday due date), but to actually get fired you have to do some really bad stuff: drunk on the job, stealing, corruption, etc.

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    As a responsible, cost-saving measure, Rep. Peter King of NY proposed that the FBI only use Breivik's manifesto, since it so compellingly incorporates all of the current FBI training material into one handy volume. Halliburton won the sole-source contract for photocopying services.

  • hollywooddood

    Since Muslims number one-fifth of mankind, yeah, I'm sure a Muslim has been standing behind me at one time or another.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Some of our best friends must have been Muslims and we didn't know it.

    • MissusBarry

      And you survived such a horrific ordeal! Praise be Allah, er Jeebus! Whatever, same difference.

  • tcaalaw

    You know who else indoctrinated law enforcement personnel with false and conspiratorial beliefs concerning a monotheistic religion originating among Semitic desert tribes?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Pope Urban II?

      • Ducksworthy

        Wasn't it Urban II who gave Ireland to the Brits?

        • doloras

          No, Urban II started the Crusades. It was Adrian IV (the only ever English pope) who told King Henry to sail over and kick some paddys in the arse.

          • Ducksworthy

            Crap. I knew that. But thanks for the correction. So is IV>asshole than II

    • BaldarTFlagass

      J. Edgar Hoover?

    • angryhaiku

      Ozymandius?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      The Saardakar?

      • PristineODummy

        If they're from Dune, they're Sardaukar. (/geek)

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          Too lazy to walk over to the book shelf and look up the spelling, lolz.

          • PristineODummy

            That's OK, darlz. I'm totally cursed with the kind of memory that dredges that shit up all the time.

    • mumbly_joe

      Richard Nixon?

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Bob Evans?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Florence of Arabia?

    • mumbly_joe

      Al Mualim in Assassin's Creed?

    • hollywooddood

      Christine O'Donnell?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Omar Sharif?

    • GOPCrusher

      The Daleks?

      • tcaalaw

        I must have missed that episode….

    • An_Outhouse

      John Wayne?

    • PristineODummy

      Nixon.

      Dammit, somebody else said that, so I'm gonna go with "Hitler."

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    At the end of the presentation there is an advertisement for Sea Monkeys!!!

    • DahBoner

      And X-ray glasses, also to.

  • Major Thom

    "The Truth About Mohammed: Founder of the World’s Most Intolerant Religion"

    Isn't the word intolerant in front of the word religion sort of redundant?

    • MrFizzy

      Bingo

      • DahBoner

        All religions are "atheist" to all other religions.

        Atheists just include one additional religion: Yours.

    • smitallica

      I say it's almost repetitiously redundant.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    It's true though – Muslins are behind me right now… And no matter HOW quickly I turn around, they always manage to move so I don't see them. Muslins are also hiding in my broom closet and there's always one waiting to strangle me in the back seat of my car. I always find coos-coos on the floor in my kitchen and I hear faint shouting "Mohammed, Mohammed, Jihad, Jihad!!!" all the time.

    So should I call the FBI about this or not?

    • iburl

      Have you gotten any Al Jazeera broadcast signals from your tooth fillings?

      • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

        No, just Piers Morgan.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      When you hear "Allahu Akbar!" shouted in your left ear, duck quickly.

    • PristineODummy

      I'd say yes, but I'd miss your comments here. So, most likely not. Putting tinfoil over the windows helps.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Strange that in such a comprehensive discussion that they missed the whole shoe throwing thing.

    • MissusBarry

      They're in a different manual on non-traditional, but still fearsome, weapons. IPDs–Improvised Projectile Devices.

  • http://www.muthalovin.com muthalovin

    Totally getting these for the Kindle. That way, no one will know what I am reading when I visit Pakistan.

    • PristineODummy

      Why are you visiting Pakistan? Are you … Muslin? Don't you know that Americans are not allowed to travel there?

  • Ducksworthy

    Does any of this acknowledge that Ishmael was Abraham's first born and was ignominiously thrown out of the family? No wonder these people are pissed.

    • doloras

      Well, I think Ishmael would be quite glad to be out of the family at the point where his half-brother was taken up the mountain and almost gutted in the name of the LORD.

  • mumbly_joe

    Apparently one of the other books was A Complete Idiot's Guide to Islam.

    Which is funny, because it was apparently used to put together a complete idiot's guide to Islam.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I hear that Muslins ululate when they come near ham buscuits. That's why they can't take out Lindsey Graham.

    • PristineODummy

      It's ululations of desperation and desire, my friend. Got a ham biscuit?

  • GuanoFaucet

    To train new recruits about Mexicans, the FBI has them watch Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.

    • Ducksworthy

      There is a Speedy Gonzalez cartoon where his sidekick, can't remember his name for obvious reasons, sings La Cucharacha including the porque no tene marijuana que fumar part.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And the "stinkin' badges" scene from "Treasure of the Sierra Madre"

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Man, you've got it backwards. Mel Brooks first wrote that scene. He was just a little late coming out with his movie.

    • PristineODummy

      Would it surprise you if they did?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    USA! USA! USA!

    Land of the Braves, Home of Free Republic..
    ~

    • PubOption

      USA is the land of the Yankees, not those loser Braves.
      H. Steinbrenner

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Further suggested reading:

    Get Your Headscarf-wearing, Sharia-following, Mosque-building, Airplane-crashing, Underwear-blowing-up Ass out of My Pizza Joint!, a Memoir

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Herman Cain is quite the memoirist.

    • MissusBarry

      Written after Rachael Ray came in for a pie with a Dunkin' coffee in hand and a scarf around her neck?

  • widestanceroman

    Mohammed don't surf and we think he should.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    mmm, wholesale xenophobia. Not just for civilians anymore.

    • bagofmice

      If a man hates in the forest, and there is nobody around to hear it, are haters gonna hate?

      • PristineODummy

        Only if they see you rollin', yo!

  • metamarcisf

    Any do-it-yourself Muslim instruction book that doesn't mention Pam Geller and her Conservative Christian tits won't find a home in my house.

    • tcaalaw

      I'm 90%+ certain that Geller is Jewish, at least by birth. (Although I suppose that doesn't rule out the possibility that certain parts of her that were installed later follow a different faith tradition.)

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Did the training include a section on J. Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolson gaily body surfing between the ol' Wamsuttas?

  • Come here a minute

    The takeaway of Patai’s book is that “Arabs only understand force” and are susceptible to “shame and humiliation.”

    Sounds like the philosophy of my middle school gym teacher, but replace "Arabs" with "twelve-year-old boys"

    • PristineODummy

      Sounds like Germanicus writing home from the front, or at least Robert Graves' account thereof in "I, Claudius."

  • HistoriCat

    Wouldn't it have been simpler to have them fill out a questionnaire of their own beliefs and then tell them to just change the appropriate nouns? I mean, really aside from a couple labels and some pork products, what's the difference between a fundamentalist Christian and a fundamentalist Muslim?

    • V572 Hair of Destiny

      One foreskin, except in the US.

    • PristineODummy

      I'm gonna go with "number of wives."

  • prommie

    They try to turn every society into 7th century Arabia? Thats horrible, this country is first century Israel/4th century Rome, and we are NOT going to be dragged into the 7th century by any damn muslims.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I thought the acme for which we are supposed to strive, at least according to the libertarians, was 21st century Somalia.

      • GOPCrusher

        Well, you know, Somalia hasn't had a functioning government in 20 years, and you don't hear them complaining about any debt ceiling.

        • PristineODummy

          When you put it that way …

  • Allmighty_Manos

    There is no better strategy for nation building than to be utterly clueless and misinformed about the people and culture in said nation. Insulting their religion is always one of the best ways to win their hearts and minds.

    • widestanceroman

      And the photo ops we gave them in our tropical getaway/enhanced interrogation retreats. Keepsake moments they could have shared with any surviving children for years. So ungrateful, those people.

      • PristineODummy

        I'm reminded of the Western powers' invasions of China. They always added the cost of subduing the restive native populace to their demands for reparations from China, which had apparently offended by failing to be grateful enough for the opportunity to be brutally exploited.

    • not that Dewey

      We must be ignorant of the village in order to save the village!

  • iburl

    Why did we vote for Obama again?

    I smell a new GOP talking point. "I will allow the FBI to do their job and restore the reading list to the Anders Behring Breivik recommended books."

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    7th Century Arabian Ways????

    If this means Magic Carpets, then count me in!!!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      John Kay, is that you?

    • DaRooster

      I'm holding out for a Genie…

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Or a Jeannie…

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      I'm with you there. I haven't seen a "magic carpet" in months. All these Brazilians and landing strips are getting boring. Variety, even if it means choking on the occasional pube, is the spice of life.

      • PristineODummy

        Think of the savings in dental floss.

        Movin' to Montana soon
        Gonna be a dental floss tycoon

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "Thank God for making me an Atheist."

    – Ricky Gervais

    • DaRooster

      Back when I was making T shirts-
      Thank God for Evolution!

  • Ruhe

    Islam is the world's most intolerant religion? By how much. Do they have stats to back that up or is this like one of those sports-talk show assertions. I hate those conversations about who's the best NBA guard of all time or who's the best quarterback ever or the greatest hitter. I mean there are a lot of really good players in every sport and a real fan just appreciates them all. Similarly, while nearly every religion is founded on an internalized principle of intolerance no one religion has really distinguished itself from the others in that area. They're all great.

    • prommie

      Here's a rough experiment; examine a list of all the countries in the world. How many are theocracies? What religions are the theocracies? Adjust stats for population and number of believers in the various religions. Which religion is most likely to have its beliefs enshrined in the laws of the countries where it predominates? I don't know the answer.

      • mumbly_joe

        By that standard, the pre-1950's answer would have almost certainly been Tibetan Buddhism, which is its own distinct branch of Buddhism, and predominant only in Tibet, which was a Theocracy, before China invaded. Tibetan Buddhism is the most intolerant religion, QED.

      • SorosBot

        As women are still legally nothing more than an embryo support system in Ireland and most of South America, the winner is Catholicism.

        • prommie

          Single issue voter, you. We need to refine our definition of "theocracy."

          • mumbly_joe

            Honestly, the Vatican still counts any way you slice it, since its head of religion is ex officio head of state, and is probably the only True theocracy on the planet, now that Tibet is no longer an actual place; everyplace else just has varying degrees of "theocratic influence".

            Hell, even Iran has a secular head of state with clerical veto power, effectively.

        • prommie

          The woman who was recently President of Ireland would probably be surprised to find thats all she is.

      • proudgrampa

        "Which religion is most likely to have its beliefs enshrined in the laws of the countries where it predominates?"

        Mormonism? (OK, I know Utah is not a country).

      • Crank_Tango

        all of 'em, katie? except maybe the spaghetti monster one.

      • Ruhe

        Surely there is some sort of World-Religions sabre-metrics that can help us figure this out

      • ShaveTheWhales

        As you yourself point out, the problem with this experiment is in defining "theocracy". In the strictest sense, I can only think of the Vatican. At the next level of relaxation (let's say "shadow theocracy", you've got Iran, of course, but most of the other Arab states are really just dictatorships.

        "Likely to have its beliefs enshrined in the laws of the countries where it predominates" is, I think, a bit of a straw man. Of course, Sharia law exists, and in some predominantly-Muslim countries it is the one official law, while in many others, significant parts of it are enshrined in the "official laws". But you could make the latter statement about many "Westernized", Christianized countries. We just don't call it "Judeo-Christian Law", so it escapes our notice.

    • PristineODummy

      For definitions of "great" =/> "totally fucking putrid, rotten, stupid, demented, and anti-evolutionary."

  • Oblios_Cap

    We don't want to go back to a time where people wrote treatises about medicine, astronomy, engineering, and math. Those fuckers even took baths!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Q: Where are all the Muslims located? A: “They’re standing right behind you.”

    Dang, I thought they were all under the bed.

    • DaRooster

      Unlike a lot of Conservatards… In the closet.

    • SorosBot

      Well I have had a Muslim in my bed, but she actually wasn't all that scary.

    • PristineODummy

      Well, if they're attractive enough, does it matter where they are?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    And that socialist commie Eric Holder wouldn't have the balls to call Muslims out!

    On May 13, Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX) confronted Attorney General Eric Holder​ about whether radical Islam was the motivating factor in the terrorist plots against the United States over the past year. Rather than acknowledge the religious-ideological threat posed to us, Holder continued the Obama Administration’s pattern of trying to avoid using terms like “radical Islam” and “Islamic terrorism.”

    Rep. Smith repeatedly prodded at Holder, who tried to fend off the attack by saying, “There are a variety of reasons why people do things. Some of them are potentially religious.”

    Unsatisfied with the lack of clarity, Rep. Smith continued to ask him, “Are you uncomfortable attributing any other actions to radical Islam?” Holder replied by saying, “No, I don’t want to say anything negative about a religion…”

  • zhubajie

    Do they have books about Baptists? Or Mormons?

  • arihaya

    well Christianity and Judaism are foreign, Middle Eastern religions too

    we should reinstate the worship of our Lord Odin !

  • not that Dewey

    The teabagger mind is “swayed more by words than ideas and more by ideas than facts.”

    there. fixed.

    • Mahousu

      For teabaggers, it should read "swayed more by misspelled words than ideas …

  • V572 Hair of Destiny

    One major difference between Christian FBI agents and Muslims: the latter are "subject to shame and humiliation," whereas the former are apparently immune to them.

    • bagofmice

      They're doing god's work.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      The lack of humility & shame is why it's so surprising there are no photogs of J. Edgar in his leopard print chemise robe and lavender slippers.

      • V572 Hair of Destiny

        All-time best-ever moment of FBI hubris:  Louis Freeh calling a press conference to announce the arrest of a major Soviet spy, who (oops) was the FBI’s chief of counterintelligence. Looey, Lou: that’s not a good thing.

  • SorosBot

    If Islam “transforms a country’s culture into 7th century Arabian ways", does Christianity transform a country's culture into first century Roman provincial ways?

    And FBI idiots; there is no "Arab mind"; there are hundreds of millions of Arab minds, because guess what, Arab people are individuals each of whom have their own personalities, just like white people!

    • prommie

      Nope, there is only one Arab mind, and you can find out what its up to by looking at the one Arab Street. One mind, one street, those Arabs are a peculiar people.

    • PristineODummy

      It makes you wonder what kind of people can make a comment like that. Any human being who is not too mentally unable can observe *infants* and note that they all have distinct and individual personalities, within weeks of emerging into the world. Shit, individual DOGS and GEESE have their own personalities. Yet there are people who continue to speak of the "Arab mind."

  • not that Dewey

    Other suggested reading:

    Who Moved my Rennet-Free Cheese?

    The Jihad-Driven Life

    Tuesdays with Mohammed

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Madrassa

      • not that Dewey

        What Color is Your Keffiyeh?

    • anniegetyerfun

      The Seventy Two People You Meet in Heaven

      • not that Dewey

        HA!

        I'm Okay, You're an Infidel

      • not that Dewey

        The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Burqua

        • anniegetyerfun

          Halal Chicken Soup for the Muslim Soul (I actually assumed that there would be a version of this out there, since there is one for Christians and one for Jews – but no)

          • PristineODummy

            Do Muslins know about Teh Chicken Soup for Soulz?

    • PristineODummy

      Shouldn't that be Who Cut my Rennet-Free Cheese?

  • El Pinche

    Chapter 12: How to drink beer from a man's buttcrack on taxpayer's expense.

  • MinAgain

    Mulder would never have let that kind of bullshit go unchallenged.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "The truth is out there; anyway, it sure ain't here."

    • AJWjr.

      I want to believe, but…

  • Weenus299

    The truth is Islam is really, really boring. I remember the 400-page textbook "A History of the Magrib in the Islamic Period" putting me to sleep in college regularly.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I had a 7AM Islamic History course in college. I'm pretty sure I made it to about 40% of the actual sessions.

  • scionkirk

    And according to the picture on the cover, Muslims shit with their pants on

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    My gay nom-de-plume shall be… Master Bates Frequently.

    • PristineODummy

      I think you're supposed to derive your gay nom-de-plume from the name of your first pet + the name of the street you lived on as a kid.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    A bunch of Christians who don't read the Bible, demonstrating Islamic literacy.

    God damn.

  • DemonicRage

    Can you see the blond frat boys from Colgate or U. Virginia who are recruited to do spy work infiltrating a working group of terrorists in (you name the lucky country…let's say Yemen)? How well-prepared will they be to mingle with the locals, having pulled all-nighters to memorize study manuals like this one?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    OT

    Norskies have obviously ODed on lutefisk and say responding to last week's horrors by ratcheting-up security would be bull reindeer shit.

    • GOPCrusher

      And Stoltenberg said they need to defeat the racism that caused this crime by looking in the mirror and fix the conditions that caused Breivig to pick up the ideology that he did.
      Interesting concept. If this would have happened in the U.S., Tehran would probably have been nuked to rubble by now.

      • PristineODummy

        I really, seriously am considering moving there. That's the kind of society I would like to be a part of, and this one just doesn't look like it'll make it past the teabaggage. Although, on another note, the papers called today's 75 teatards a "rally." Wonder what they would call all our antiwar, anti-teabagger, pro-progressive, pro-union marches, if they ever bothered to cover them.

  • Tr0tt0

    Get behind me, Muslins.

  • Steverino247

    What do you expect from a law enforcement agency that likes to recruit Mormons?

  • Limeylizzie

    OT, but that fucking bastard I was talking about yesterday, when I say "talking" I mean to you, my Wonkette imaginary friends, is in trouble.
    http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/07

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Let's see:
      Divorced: check
      Unemployed until elected to congress: check
      Behind in child support: check
      Didn't pay his staff: check
      Republican: check–goes without saying

      He fully qualifies for congress and the Tea Party family values committee chairmanship. Man's got a future…

    • GOPCrusher

      Seems that Tea Baggers have troubles paying on their obligations.
      Certainly a group of people that should be driving the debate on fiscal responsibility in America.

    • PristineODummy

      Many upfists!

  • DustBowlBlues

    Starting with the ugly fact that I'm working bees tomorrow to take advantage of the "cool" spell–it's only going to be 99F–to the fucked up congress being fucked by the Teabagglicans, FAA not getting any money unless they fuck the union (yadayada constant refrain from these dicks) to watching trees dying for lack of water, to Democrats rights to the franchise being eliminated, to the Kock brothers and their ilk owning America, to a bunch of Norwegian kids being killed because their parents are liberals, to the fact that I almost used the wrong "their" in that last sentence fragment, to Beck blaming the kids for being liberals so, what did they expect? and Faux news being angry the shooter wasn't a Muslin so all they can do scream that those annoying Norskes and the lamestream media are victimizing Xians, all I can say is,

    What the fuck? The well-heeled inmates in the Hall of Billionaires really have taken over, haven't they? If the lord is going to ruin my summer and kill my trees with her mighty heat and drought, could she not let me have the megamillions winning ticket in my purse so I can blow 50 million on attack ads?

    Really. What the fuck?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Bravissimo! Pity I'm not a Lotto adherent but, if thumbz were spare change I'd be throwing money at you, or at least my two nickel's worth.

    • Limeylizzie

      I am just impressed by the whole bees mention!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      As a former keeper of bees myself, you have my deepest empathy and support. The bees don't seem to care who is running the asylum, but they should (if they could) because no one in power seems to give a damn about their world, upon which so much of our world is built–and is now tottering.

  • Mahousu

    All right, somebody at the FBI is doing peyote big-time. From page 3 of the presentation:

    Tools that give the interrogator the psychological advantage:
    An Ancient Mayan Legend of the Spinning Pyramid

    Hopefully, they warn their recruits not to drive or operate heavy machinery once the pyramid starts spinning.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Yes, I wanted to ask about that, but my brain exploded out through my nostrils and I was otherwise engaged in clean-up for a while.

  • Neilist_Returns

    The Browns don't worry me anymore.

    It's those blonde, blue-eyed, Bible-thumping, strapping Norwegians that worry me nowadays.

    No more Lief Erickson jokes from me.

    Oh, and one more thing: I have been in trial, and haven't been following the press reports that closely. But I don't recall any meaningful details about the firearms that he used to kill those 60 or whatever lutefish eaters on that island.

    All I got was some vague reference to a "rifle and a pistol."

    This is SHOCKING decline in journalistic standards.

    Neilist
    "Still Crazy After All These Years . . . "

  • ttommyunger

    Also issued hard-bound copy of "My Pet Goat" signed by the idiot, himself, no doubt…STILL: The three most overrated things on earth; home cooking, home fucking and the FBI.

    • PristineODummy

      I'm probably going to regret asking, but what's wrong with home fucking?

      • ttommyunger

        Nothing wrong with it, just overrated.

  • anniegetyerfun

    The call to prayer is coming from inside the house.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    some parts of the official September 11 story are true
    you must never question the homeland government
    you must never question the homeland media

  • DahBoner

    They still offering a $50 bounty for heads of Mormons in Missouri?

    Seems like a visit to the St Louis or Kansas City FBI offices could be quite profitable…