2009 FBI Training Manual: ‘Muslims Are Weird and Not Like Us’

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

also on the recommended reading list!As recently as 2009, the FBI skkkool trained its new recruits about Islam with a little presentation titled “Things to use/consider for successful interviews/interrogations with individuals from the M.E. (Middle East).” Here’s a little pop quiz with the answers from the presentation. Q: What is “Muslim 101″ information about Muslims? A: Islam “transforms a country’s culture into 7th century Arabian ways.” Q: “Is Iran an Arab country?” A: “Iran is a Muslim country.” Q: Where are all the Muslims located? A: “They’re standing right behind you.” HAHA CREEPY okay not that last one, but the first two answers are verbatim from the training presentation. The third answer is implied if you do your reading carefully.

The homework included a few of those “Muslims are the devil” books used by such notorious hate-mongers as… here it comes, you know it’s coming…. the Norway mass murderer.

From the Danger Room:

Among the most provocative aspects of the presentation is its recommended reading list. One book offered is The Truth About Mohammed: Founder of the World’s Most Intolerant Religion, by Robert Spencer. Spencer is one of the ringleaders of the protest against the so-called “Ground Zero Mosque” and the co-founder of Stop the Islamicization of America, which “promotes a conspiratorial anti-Muslim agenda,” in the view of the Anti-Defamation League. A manifesto written by the Norwegian terror suspect Anders Behring Breivik cited Spencer 64 times. 

Another book cited is The Arab Mind, by Raphael Patai. The volume was briefly infamous in 2004, after Seymour Hersh reported its influence among certain Iraq war hawks in the wake of the Abu Ghraib scandal. According to Hersh, the takeaway of Patai’s book is that “Arabs only understand force” and are susceptible to “shame and humiliation.”

Raphael Patai is just John Ashcroft’s gay-sounding pen name, guys, come on. [The Danger Room]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 250 comments }

Barb July 28, 2011 at 9:45 am

They should take us all to Home Depot's paint department and line us up near the swatches of white paint. If you are less then ecru, you have to be deported. They could call it the Department of Home Depotland Security.

DaSandman July 28, 2011 at 9:50 am

Ok you mauve looking little fuck, into the van!

weejee July 28, 2011 at 9:58 am

Barry won't be running as Taupey in 2012?

Barb July 28, 2011 at 10:18 am

No, no WeeJee, the "good blacks" get a pass. They are filed under "Ochre Winfrey" on the color scale.

LiveToServeYa July 28, 2011 at 10:38 am

Why not? Such is the audacity of taupe.

GuyClinch July 28, 2011 at 9:57 am

Except for Allen West, a true officer and a gentleman. He gets a pass.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Well, yes, but it's one-way, and to Hell. (They haven't told him yet. Plus, once all the sub-ecru are removed, who's gonna vote for West anyway?)

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 9:57 am

What about all the Messicans looking for jobs, jobs, jobs in the parking lot?

Honestly, I think the standard should be Parisian Boudoir Beige.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Too Frenchy. Also, cheese-eating-surrender-monkeyish.

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 9:58 am

The tanning salons are really going to take a hit if word of this gets out.

GuyClinch July 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

That would be true if Obama hadn't already destroyed the industry with his job-killing tanning tax!

Snooki/Melanoma 2012!

Rosie_Scenario July 28, 2011 at 10:12 am

Great idea to replace the other Homeland Security color-coded terror chart.

Limeylizzie July 28, 2011 at 11:28 am

See you guys, I'm kind of olive tinged.

Barb July 28, 2011 at 11:36 am

I'm sure many of us will marry you to give you a green card. We will just add "green card" to the color spectrum safety zone.
Any of you guys willing to pitch in and marry Lizzie?

Limeylizzie July 28, 2011 at 11:39 am

I have a Green Card, it seems as if that isn't good enough anymore, for us legal aliens…

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:06 pm

I thought you were all blond and blue-eyed, an Aryan wet dream? No? Damn. (looks feverishly for fresh fapping material)

Limeylizzie July 28, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Dark reddish blonde, green eyes, olive skin, like the love child of Judi Dench and Diane Cilento with a smidge of Simone Signoret. Fap away.

An_Outhouse July 28, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Bye, bye Boehner. It was good to know you.

(no it wasn't).

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm

They'll have to get into the Country Club to arrest him, and you know they don't let the help in.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I'm WAY down the list from ecru. Should I start packing now, or hope those yobbos will have the decency to throw a clean change of underroos in the bags when they break down the door?

snoopyfan2010 July 28, 2011 at 9:49 pm

You know Mugabe used the other end of the color spectrum as his guide.

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 9:46 am

Anything in there about goat-fucking? I'm sure there is.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 9:58 am

Mickey Kaus guest-edited that chapter, which took a slightly different path than the editors expected.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 28, 2011 at 9:59 am

Mickey Kaus wrote that chapter.
~

FNMA July 28, 2011 at 11:13 am

Is it a "how-to" kind of thing?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 28, 2011 at 1:05 pm

I thoguht that Mickey limited himself to blowing goats, as he couldn't squat enough for the goat to get good penetration.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Horny, dear?

memzilla July 28, 2011 at 9:47 am

Anytime you add the word "fundamentalist" or "conservative" to any religion, you got problems. The point is, it's not the religion, it's the adjectival modifier. Funny though, we don't hear about problems with radical conservative Buddhists…

("adjectival modifier" ,,, finally, a use for my BA English!)

angryhaiku July 28, 2011 at 9:56 am

The radical conservative Buddhist agenda is always trying to take away my Slim Jim Monster Sticks, and making me give up my seat on the bus for elderly monks.

Oblios_Cap July 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

Shoalin warrior monks were the fundamentalist Buddhists of the Old West.

trampndirtdown July 28, 2011 at 10:06 am

Don't forget the Wu.

4TheTurnstiles July 28, 2011 at 10:07 am
AJWjr. July 28, 2011 at 10:55 am
PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Thank you. I had not heard of this guy.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Evidence?

zhubajie July 28, 2011 at 10:18 am

Read up on the Sri Lanka civil war. You'll find plenty of fundie Buddhist monks eager to massacre Hindus. Then there's Burma….

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 10:45 am

Or India v Pakistan, 1947-present.

Moonbat July 28, 2011 at 11:36 am

Not too many Buddhists in India or Pakistan, though.

Not saying that fundie Buddhists wouldn't be all over that action, just that they're not there to get up in it.

Yet…

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 11:41 am

True. Just referring to the obvious-but-seldom-noted tendency of very religious people to kill each other.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Buddhism has been pretty much wiped out in both those countries since Asoka. (Well, they were one country then, but.)

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:15 pm

As a matter of fact, the Buddhists tend to come out on the bottom (so to speak) of such struggles. As for "fundie Buddhist monks," there is no sect of Buddhism that permits the taking of life and no doctrine that supports that position, although, having lived among Buddhists, I have to admit that, like proponents of any other religious philosophy, they're adept at denial and pretzeling their doctrine to fit their deeds.

"Mum, why are we buying chicken for dinner? I thought Buddha said we can't kill?"
"We didn't kill it, the butcher did. It's his bad karma."

zhubajie July 29, 2011 at 2:33 am

>

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 10:42 am

There's an article over at HuffPo about the 13 worst-paying college majors. Surprisingly, Engish is not among them!

smitallica July 28, 2011 at 10:52 am

Actually, I'm gonna go ahead and say it's the religion.

SorosBot July 28, 2011 at 10:56 am

Buddhism gets better PR than the other major religions, probably because it's popular with the hippies, but it's as bad as the rest; for one their monks are like Catholic priests in loving the child rape: http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2011/07/its_no

Moonbat July 28, 2011 at 11:40 am

It's not the religion, it's the fuckups who use it to further their own fuckedupness. I don't think Jeebus or the Buddha ever said anything in favor of kiddie rape and killing dudes because they think differently from you.

doloras July 28, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Look up what the Dalai Lama has to say about homosexuality sometime.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Any time that anybody surrenders their autonomy to another, one invites abuse of one kind or another. All religions require such surrender, and therefore are ideal breeding-grounds for abuse. The authority assumed by religion is undoubtedly the most dangerous because it gives unlimited power over our very self.

slaeris July 28, 2011 at 11:23 am

There are absolutely fundamentalist and violent Buddhists.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Believe it or not, the Buddhists do squabble about doctrine, which is why you have the Mahayana/Hinayana/Theravada schools of thought. However, it's not that easy to get worked up about a religion whose central doctrine is calm, inward reflection and meditation, so they leave the impaling, beheading, etc., to those of a more muscular creed.

DaSandman July 28, 2011 at 9:48 am

"Transforms the country into 7th century ways?"

Oh, he means Teabags!

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 9:50 am

Actually, more like 13th century. For the Crusades, you know.

Ducksworthy July 28, 2011 at 10:01 am

Actually its the lack of usury that does that.

weejee July 28, 2011 at 10:05 am

Kinda like Boner beating his head against the debt ceiling?

DaSandman July 28, 2011 at 9:49 am

Actually the thing's a reprint from the seventies. They just took out the word "Negro" and replaced it with "Muslin"

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 9:54 am

They love the "ctrl+F"

x111e7thst July 28, 2011 at 9:50 am

Muslins are the new Mexicans. It also works the other way around.

Oblios_Cap July 28, 2011 at 9:51 am

•They engage in a “circumcision ritual”

Oh my god! They converted me 53 years ago and I just now found out!

tcaalaw July 28, 2011 at 9:56 am

Hah, a likely story coming from a self-confessed secret Muslin!

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 10:07 am

Is that what happened? I wondered why Silvio down at the gym looks different in the shower.

weejee July 28, 2011 at 10:07 am

So Muslin menz are in reality just clean-cut Jewish boyz? Who knew?

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 10:11 am

"People of the Book" as Chimpy used to call them. What, Xtians too? Got to rethink that.

GOPCrusher July 28, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Obviously, a sleeper agent.

el_donaldo July 28, 2011 at 9:52 am

Hmmm. How much do you want to bet that Patai and Spencer both have a battered VHS with the rape scene from Midnight Express on perpetual loop.

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

Plus the part of Lawrence of Arabia where Jose Ferrer as the Turkish Bey strips down Peter O'Toole.

prommie July 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

They would never watch a movie directed by that commie pinko Oliver Stone. They watch the rape scene from Lawrence of Arabia.

AJWjr. July 28, 2011 at 11:01 am

You mean the cigar-on-camel rape scene, which was obviously Bill Clinton's inspiration?

jjdaddyo July 28, 2011 at 9:52 am

Muslins are weird 'cause they don't eat Fried Macaroni & Cheese like real 'Murricans.

el_donaldo July 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

You can fry that?! I'm going to the kitchen.

jjdaddyo July 28, 2011 at 9:57 am

You must not be a Real 'Murrican if you don't know that you can batter-dip and fry ANYTHING. It's in the Constitution.

Oblios_Cap July 28, 2011 at 10:05 am

I'm sure poutine fits in this argument somewhere.

jjdaddyo July 28, 2011 at 10:12 am

ARRRGH! Who let those damn socialist medicine having, Muslin loving, gravy slurping Canucks in here!

MissusBarry July 28, 2011 at 10:42 am

A guilty pleasure for which I feel no guilt, since it's Canadian. Where's that poutine food truck parked today? Now I'm craving Eat Wonky.

Crank_Tango July 28, 2011 at 11:41 am

You have a camion de poutine?

MissusBarry July 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

Yeah, there's one in DC. Not only do they serve delicious poutine, but they also serve it piled on a big hot dog. And whoopie pies. It's a mobile heart attack and I usually get one of each. Thank goodness it doesn't park near me too often, or I'd be in the market for a used Hoveround in short order.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:24 pm

You can get poutine where you are? You lucky dog!

MissusBarry July 28, 2011 at 10:14 pm

I know! I stalk the Eat Wonky truck like a motherfucking psycho.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I wouldn't know, but I do have the t-shirt.

(It sez J'(heart) Montreal on the back.)

DahBoner July 28, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Grilled macaroni, mmmm mmm…

Only in America!

mumbly_joe July 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

2009 means this was Hopey's FBI presenting this crap.

Honestly, I think the worst thing Obama did was failing to completely clean house when he came into office: CIA, FBI, Justice, Interior, everybody. Hell, take a note from what a couple of the Kochsucking governors have done with teachers, and fire them all and make them re-apply for their jobs. The fact that all those "loyal Bushies" were able to stay on in positions they were unqualified for has honestly been at least as big a problem as all the unfilled executive appointments.

donner_froh July 28, 2011 at 10:01 am

No kidding. What made Robert Mueller so indispensable that he is the first FBI director appointed to a second ten year term since the post-Hoover reforms?

GuyClinch July 28, 2011 at 10:01 am

True dat. Bush had a bunch of 20-something interns in the Green Zone de-Baathify Iraq, why couldn't Bammerz de-Bushify the executive branch? Oh yeah, right: he only wants to look forward. BIG DISAPPOINTMENT

Crank_Tango July 28, 2011 at 11:42 am

he definitely doesn't want to look to the left, that's for sure.

trampndirtdown July 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

Who will be the new Frank Church?

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 10:09 am

Hard to do with Federal Civil Service, where each employee's job is, by order of the Federal employees on the Supreme Court, his or her personal property, which cannot be taken away without just compensation. Little-known secret: the reason we didn't get a "peace dividend" at the end of the Cold War was that not one Federal employee was laid off.

Oh plus Lockheed Martin, Boeing & co needed the revenue.

mumbly_joe July 28, 2011 at 10:27 am

But if we've learned anything from Monica Goodling, it's that if you have someone who's a sufficiently devoted underling, while the Important Folks are sufficiently unapologetic and feign adequite ignorance, you never have to worry about a little piddling thing like "the law" when it comes to hiring and firing decisions.

Moonbat July 28, 2011 at 11:44 am

Shirley Sherrod begs to differ.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Interesting example, although not related to the Cold War drawdown. I believe Ms Sherrod resigned under extreme pressure from that distinguished statesman Tom Vilsack. Don’t know if she was a political employee (they can be fired), or FCS. They can make your life so awful that you’ll quit (e.g., by reassigning you to from Miami to Anchorage, or giving you impossible assignments on Friday afternoon with a Monday due date), but to actually get fired you have to do some really bad stuff: drunk on the job, stealing, corruption, etc.

GuyClinch July 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

As a responsible, cost-saving measure, Rep. Peter King of NY proposed that the FBI only use Breivik's manifesto, since it so compellingly incorporates all of the current FBI training material into one handy volume. Halliburton won the sole-source contract for photocopying services.

hollywooddood July 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

Since Muslims number one-fifth of mankind, yeah, I'm sure a Muslim has been standing behind me at one time or another.

Oblios_Cap July 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

Some of our best friends must have been Muslims and we didn't know it.

MissusBarry July 28, 2011 at 10:46 am

And you survived such a horrific ordeal! Praise be Allah, er Jeebus! Whatever, same difference.

tcaalaw July 28, 2011 at 9:55 am

You know who else indoctrinated law enforcement personnel with false and conspiratorial beliefs concerning a monotheistic religion originating among Semitic desert tribes?

donner_froh July 28, 2011 at 9:58 am

Pope Urban II?

Ducksworthy July 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

Wasn't it Urban II who gave Ireland to the Brits?

doloras July 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm

No, Urban II started the Crusades. It was Adrian IV (the only ever English pope) who told King Henry to sail over and kick some paddys in the arse.

Ducksworthy July 29, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Crap. I knew that. But thanks for the correction. So is IV>asshole than II

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 9:59 am

J. Edgar Hoover?

angryhaiku July 28, 2011 at 10:00 am

Ozymandius?

trampndirtdown July 28, 2011 at 10:03 am

The Saardakar?

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:31 pm

If they're from Dune, they're Sardaukar. (/geek)

trampndirtdown July 29, 2011 at 12:18 am

Too lazy to walk over to the book shelf and look up the spelling, lolz.

PristineODummy July 29, 2011 at 12:31 am

That's OK, darlz. I'm totally cursed with the kind of memory that dredges that shit up all the time.

mumbly_joe July 28, 2011 at 10:03 am

Richard Nixon?

GuyClinch July 28, 2011 at 10:08 am

Bob Evans?

weejee July 28, 2011 at 10:09 am

Florence of Arabia?

mumbly_joe July 28, 2011 at 10:31 am

Al Mualim in Assassin's Creed?

hollywooddood July 28, 2011 at 11:15 am

Christine O'Donnell?

Dudleydidwrong July 28, 2011 at 11:27 am

Omar Sharif?

GOPCrusher July 28, 2011 at 1:14 pm

The Daleks?

tcaalaw July 28, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I must have missed that episode….

An_Outhouse July 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm

John Wayne?

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Nixon.

Dammit, somebody else said that, so I'm gonna go with "Hitler."

Monsieur_Grumpe July 28, 2011 at 9:55 am

At the end of the presentation there is an advertisement for Sea Monkeys!!!

DahBoner July 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm

And X-ray glasses, also to.

Major Thom July 28, 2011 at 9:57 am

"The Truth About Mohammed: Founder of the World’s Most Intolerant Religion"

Isn't the word intolerant in front of the word religion sort of redundant?

MrFizzy July 28, 2011 at 10:32 am

Bingo

DahBoner July 28, 2011 at 2:45 pm

All religions are "atheist" to all other religions.

Atheists just include one additional religion: Yours.

smitallica July 28, 2011 at 10:52 am

I say it's almost repetitiously redundant.

johnnyzhivago July 28, 2011 at 9:57 am

It's true though – Muslins are behind me right now… And no matter HOW quickly I turn around, they always manage to move so I don't see them. Muslins are also hiding in my broom closet and there's always one waiting to strangle me in the back seat of my car. I always find coos-coos on the floor in my kitchen and I hear faint shouting "Mohammed, Mohammed, Jihad, Jihad!!!" all the time.

So should I call the FBI about this or not?

iburl July 28, 2011 at 10:18 am

Have you gotten any Al Jazeera broadcast signals from your tooth fillings?

johnnyzhivago July 28, 2011 at 10:30 am

No, just Piers Morgan.

Dudleydidwrong July 28, 2011 at 11:29 am

When you hear "Allahu Akbar!" shouted in your left ear, duck quickly.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I'd say yes, but I'd miss your comments here. So, most likely not. Putting tinfoil over the windows helps.

donner_froh July 28, 2011 at 9:57 am

Strange that in such a comprehensive discussion that they missed the whole shoe throwing thing.

MissusBarry July 28, 2011 at 10:49 am

They're in a different manual on non-traditional, but still fearsome, weapons. IPDs–Improvised Projectile Devices.

muthalovin July 28, 2011 at 9:57 am

Totally getting these for the Kindle. That way, no one will know what I am reading when I visit Pakistan.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Why are you visiting Pakistan? Are you … Muslin? Don't you know that Americans are not allowed to travel there?

Ducksworthy July 28, 2011 at 9:58 am

Does any of this acknowledge that Ishmael was Abraham's first born and was ignominiously thrown out of the family? No wonder these people are pissed.

doloras July 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Well, I think Ishmael would be quite glad to be out of the family at the point where his half-brother was taken up the mountain and almost gutted in the name of the LORD.

mumbly_joe July 28, 2011 at 9:58 am

Apparently one of the other books was A Complete Idiot's Guide to Islam.

Which is funny, because it was apparently used to put together a complete idiot's guide to Islam.

Oblios_Cap July 28, 2011 at 9:59 am

I hear that Muslins ululate when they come near ham buscuits. That's why they can't take out Lindsey Graham.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm

It's ululations of desperation and desire, my friend. Got a ham biscuit?

GuanoFaucet July 28, 2011 at 9:59 am

To train new recruits about Mexicans, the FBI has them watch Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.

Ducksworthy July 28, 2011 at 10:09 am

There is a Speedy Gonzalez cartoon where his sidekick, can't remember his name for obvious reasons, sings La Cucharacha including the porque no tene marijuana que fumar part.

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 10:12 am

And the "stinkin' badges" scene from "Treasure of the Sierra Madre"

Dudleydidwrong July 28, 2011 at 11:32 am

Man, you've got it backwards. Mel Brooks first wrote that scene. He was just a little late coming out with his movie.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Would it surprise you if they did?

ifthethunderdontgetya July 28, 2011 at 10:00 am

USA! USA! USA!

Land of the Braves, Home of Free Republic..
~

PubOption July 28, 2011 at 12:58 pm

USA is the land of the Yankees, not those loser Braves.
H. Steinbrenner

FlownOver July 28, 2011 at 10:01 am

Further suggested reading:

Get Your Headscarf-wearing, Sharia-following, Mosque-building, Airplane-crashing, Underwear-blowing-up Ass out of My Pizza Joint!, a Memoir

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

Herman Cain is quite the memoirist.

MissusBarry July 28, 2011 at 10:52 am

Written after Rachael Ray came in for a pie with a Dunkin' coffee in hand and a scarf around her neck?

widestanceroman July 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

Mohammed don't surf and we think he should.

Mumbletypeg July 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

mmm, wholesale xenophobia. Not just for civilians anymore.

bagofmice July 28, 2011 at 10:41 am

If a man hates in the forest, and there is nobody around to hear it, are haters gonna hate?

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Only if they see you rollin', yo!

metamarcisf July 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

Any do-it-yourself Muslim instruction book that doesn't mention Pam Geller and her Conservative Christian tits won't find a home in my house.

tcaalaw July 28, 2011 at 10:08 am

I'm 90%+ certain that Geller is Jewish, at least by birth. (Although I suppose that doesn't rule out the possibility that certain parts of her that were installed later follow a different faith tradition.)

weejee July 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

Did the training include a section on J. Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolson gaily body surfing between the ol' Wamsuttas?

Come here a minute July 28, 2011 at 10:06 am

The takeaway of Patai’s book is that “Arabs only understand force” and are susceptible to “shame and humiliation.”

Sounds like the philosophy of my middle school gym teacher, but replace "Arabs" with "twelve-year-old boys"

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Sounds like Germanicus writing home from the front, or at least Robert Graves' account thereof in "I, Claudius."

HistoriCat July 28, 2011 at 10:07 am

Wouldn't it have been simpler to have them fill out a questionnaire of their own beliefs and then tell them to just change the appropriate nouns? I mean, really aside from a couple labels and some pork products, what's the difference between a fundamentalist Christian and a fundamentalist Muslim?

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

One foreskin, except in the US.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I'm gonna go with "number of wives."

prommie July 28, 2011 at 10:08 am

They try to turn every society into 7th century Arabia? Thats horrible, this country is first century Israel/4th century Rome, and we are NOT going to be dragged into the 7th century by any damn muslims.

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 10:17 am

I thought the acme for which we are supposed to strive, at least according to the libertarians, was 21st century Somalia.

GOPCrusher July 28, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Well, you know, Somalia hasn't had a functioning government in 20 years, and you don't hear them complaining about any debt ceiling.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:42 pm

When you put it that way …

Allmighty_Manos July 28, 2011 at 10:08 am

There is no better strategy for nation building than to be utterly clueless and misinformed about the people and culture in said nation. Insulting their religion is always one of the best ways to win their hearts and minds.

widestanceroman July 28, 2011 at 10:37 am

And the photo ops we gave them in our tropical getaway/enhanced interrogation retreats. Keepsake moments they could have shared with any surviving children for years. So ungrateful, those people.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I'm reminded of the Western powers' invasions of China. They always added the cost of subduing the restive native populace to their demands for reparations from China, which had apparently offended by failing to be grateful enough for the opportunity to be brutally exploited.

not that Dewey July 28, 2011 at 10:39 am

We must be ignorant of the village in order to save the village!

iburl July 28, 2011 at 10:12 am

Why did we vote for Obama again?

I smell a new GOP talking point. "I will allow the FBI to do their job and restore the reading list to the Anders Behring Breivik recommended books."

johnnyzhivago July 28, 2011 at 10:12 am

7th Century Arabian Ways????

If this means Magic Carpets, then count me in!!!

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 10:29 am

John Kay, is that you?

DaRooster July 28, 2011 at 11:07 am

I'm holding out for a Genie…

Dudleydidwrong July 28, 2011 at 11:37 am

Or a Jeannie…

natoslug July 28, 2011 at 11:36 am

I'm with you there. I haven't seen a "magic carpet" in months. All these Brazilians and landing strips are getting boring. Variety, even if it means choking on the occasional pube, is the spice of life.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Think of the savings in dental floss.

Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a dental floss tycoon

Chillwaver July 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

"Thank God for making me an Atheist."

- Ricky Gervais

DaRooster July 28, 2011 at 11:08 am

Back when I was making T shirts-
Thank God for Evolution!

Ruhe July 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

Islam is the world's most intolerant religion? By how much. Do they have stats to back that up or is this like one of those sports-talk show assertions. I hate those conversations about who's the best NBA guard of all time or who's the best quarterback ever or the greatest hitter. I mean there are a lot of really good players in every sport and a real fan just appreciates them all. Similarly, while nearly every religion is founded on an internalized principle of intolerance no one religion has really distinguished itself from the others in that area. They're all great.

prommie July 28, 2011 at 10:42 am

Here's a rough experiment; examine a list of all the countries in the world. How many are theocracies? What religions are the theocracies? Adjust stats for population and number of believers in the various religions. Which religion is most likely to have its beliefs enshrined in the laws of the countries where it predominates? I don't know the answer.

mumbly_joe July 28, 2011 at 10:54 am

By that standard, the pre-1950's answer would have almost certainly been Tibetan Buddhism, which is its own distinct branch of Buddhism, and predominant only in Tibet, which was a Theocracy, before China invaded. Tibetan Buddhism is the most intolerant religion, QED.

SorosBot July 28, 2011 at 11:06 am

As women are still legally nothing more than an embryo support system in Ireland and most of South America, the winner is Catholicism.

prommie July 28, 2011 at 11:14 am

Single issue voter, you. We need to refine our definition of "theocracy."

mumbly_joe July 28, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Honestly, the Vatican still counts any way you slice it, since its head of religion is ex officio head of state, and is probably the only True theocracy on the planet, now that Tibet is no longer an actual place; everyplace else just has varying degrees of "theocratic influence".

Hell, even Iran has a secular head of state with clerical veto power, effectively.

prommie July 28, 2011 at 11:15 am

The woman who was recently President of Ireland would probably be surprised to find thats all she is.

proudgrampa July 28, 2011 at 11:33 am

"Which religion is most likely to have its beliefs enshrined in the laws of the countries where it predominates?"

Mormonism? (OK, I know Utah is not a country).

Crank_Tango July 28, 2011 at 11:50 am

all of 'em, katie? except maybe the spaghetti monster one.

Ruhe July 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Surely there is some sort of World-Religions sabre-metrics that can help us figure this out

ShaveTheWhales July 28, 2011 at 2:11 pm

As you yourself point out, the problem with this experiment is in defining "theocracy". In the strictest sense, I can only think of the Vatican. At the next level of relaxation (let's say "shadow theocracy", you've got Iran, of course, but most of the other Arab states are really just dictatorships.

"Likely to have its beliefs enshrined in the laws of the countries where it predominates" is, I think, a bit of a straw man. Of course, Sharia law exists, and in some predominantly-Muslim countries it is the one official law, while in many others, significant parts of it are enshrined in the "official laws". But you could make the latter statement about many "Westernized", Christianized countries. We just don't call it "Judeo-Christian Law", so it escapes our notice.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:47 pm

For definitions of "great" =/> "totally fucking putrid, rotten, stupid, demented, and anti-evolutionary."

Oblios_Cap July 28, 2011 at 10:15 am

We don't want to go back to a time where people wrote treatises about medicine, astronomy, engineering, and math. Those fuckers even took baths!

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 10:16 am

Q: Where are all the Muslims located? A: “They’re standing right behind you.”

Dang, I thought they were all under the bed.

DaRooster July 28, 2011 at 11:11 am

Unlike a lot of Conservatards… In the closet.

SorosBot July 28, 2011 at 11:31 am

Well I have had a Muslim in my bed, but she actually wasn't all that scary.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Well, if they're attractive enough, does it matter where they are?

NorthStarSpanx July 28, 2011 at 10:20 am

And that socialist commie Eric Holder wouldn't have the balls to call Muslims out!

On May 13, Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX) confronted Attorney General Eric Holder​ about whether radical Islam was the motivating factor in the terrorist plots against the United States over the past year. Rather than acknowledge the religious-ideological threat posed to us, Holder continued the Obama Administration’s pattern of trying to avoid using terms like “radical Islam” and “Islamic terrorism.”

Rep. Smith repeatedly prodded at Holder, who tried to fend off the attack by saying, “There are a variety of reasons why people do things. Some of them are potentially religious.”

Unsatisfied with the lack of clarity, Rep. Smith continued to ask him, “Are you uncomfortable attributing any other actions to radical Islam?” Holder replied by saying, “No, I don’t want to say anything negative about a religion…”

zhubajie July 28, 2011 at 10:20 am

Do they have books about Baptists? Or Mormons?

arihaya July 28, 2011 at 10:23 am

well Christianity and Judaism are foreign, Middle Eastern religions too

we should reinstate the worship of our Lord Odin !

Dudleydidwrong July 28, 2011 at 11:47 am
DahBoner July 28, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Mormons and David Korean are the only American religions.

Take YER pick!

not that Dewey July 28, 2011 at 10:31 am

The teabagger mind is “swayed more by words than ideas and more by ideas than facts.”

there. fixed.

Mahousu July 28, 2011 at 11:35 am

For teabaggers, it should read "swayed more by misspelled words than ideas …

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 10:31 am

One major difference between Christian FBI agents and Muslims: the latter are "subject to shame and humiliation," whereas the former are apparently immune to them.

bagofmice July 28, 2011 at 10:45 am

They're doing god's work.

weejee July 28, 2011 at 10:48 am

The lack of humility & shame is why it's so surprising there are no photogs of J. Edgar in his leopard print chemise robe and lavender slippers.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 28, 2011 at 11:04 am

All-time best-ever moment of FBI hubris:  Louis Freeh calling a press conference to announce the arrest of a major Soviet spy, who (oops) was the FBI’s chief of counterintelligence. Looey, Lou: that’s not a good thing.

SorosBot July 28, 2011 at 10:35 am

If Islam “transforms a country’s culture into 7th century Arabian ways", does Christianity transform a country's culture into first century Roman provincial ways?

And FBI idiots; there is no "Arab mind"; there are hundreds of millions of Arab minds, because guess what, Arab people are individuals each of whom have their own personalities, just like white people!

prommie July 28, 2011 at 10:48 am

Nope, there is only one Arab mind, and you can find out what its up to by looking at the one Arab Street. One mind, one street, those Arabs are a peculiar people.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:53 pm

It makes you wonder what kind of people can make a comment like that. Any human being who is not too mentally unable can observe *infants* and note that they all have distinct and individual personalities, within weeks of emerging into the world. Shit, individual DOGS and GEESE have their own personalities. Yet there are people who continue to speak of the "Arab mind."

not that Dewey July 28, 2011 at 10:38 am

Other suggested reading:

Who Moved my Rennet-Free Cheese?

The Jihad-Driven Life

Tuesdays with Mohammed

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 10:55 am

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Madrassa

not that Dewey July 28, 2011 at 11:04 am

What Color is Your Keffiyeh?

anniegetyerfun July 28, 2011 at 1:14 pm

The Seventy Two People You Meet in Heaven

not that Dewey July 28, 2011 at 1:19 pm

HA!

I'm Okay, You're an Infidel

not that Dewey July 28, 2011 at 3:36 pm

The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Burqua

anniegetyerfun July 28, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Halal Chicken Soup for the Muslim Soul (I actually assumed that there would be a version of this out there, since there is one for Christians and one for Jews – but no)

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Do Muslins know about Teh Chicken Soup for Soulz?

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Shouldn't that be Who Cut my Rennet-Free Cheese?

El Pinche July 28, 2011 at 10:44 am

Chapter 12: How to drink beer from a man's buttcrack on taxpayer's expense.

MinAgain July 28, 2011 at 10:44 am

Mulder would never have let that kind of bullshit go unchallenged.

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

"The truth is out there; anyway, it sure ain't here."

AJWjr. July 28, 2011 at 11:26 am

I want to believe, but…

Weenus299 July 28, 2011 at 10:50 am

The truth is Islam is really, really boring. I remember the 400-page textbook "A History of the Magrib in the Islamic Period" putting me to sleep in college regularly.

anniegetyerfun July 28, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I had a 7AM Islamic History course in college. I'm pretty sure I made it to about 40% of the actual sessions.

scionkirk July 28, 2011 at 10:52 am

And according to the picture on the cover, Muslims shit with their pants on

mrblifil July 28, 2011 at 10:55 am

My gay nom-de-plume shall be… Master Bates Frequently.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:57 pm

I think you're supposed to derive your gay nom-de-plume from the name of your first pet + the name of the street you lived on as a kid.

KeepFnThatChicken July 28, 2011 at 11:02 am

A bunch of Christians who don't read the Bible, demonstrating Islamic literacy.

God damn.

DemonicRage July 28, 2011 at 11:13 am

Can you see the blond frat boys from Colgate or U. Virginia who are recruited to do spy work infiltrating a working group of terrorists in (you name the lucky country…let's say Yemen)? How well-prepared will they be to mingle with the locals, having pulled all-nighters to memorize study manuals like this one?

weejee July 28, 2011 at 11:15 am

OT

Norskies have obviously ODed on lutefisk and say responding to last week's horrors by ratcheting-up security would be bull reindeer shit.

GOPCrusher July 28, 2011 at 1:32 pm

And Stoltenberg said they need to defeat the racism that caused this crime by looking in the mirror and fix the conditions that caused Breivig to pick up the ideology that he did.
Interesting concept. If this would have happened in the U.S., Tehran would probably have been nuked to rubble by now.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I really, seriously am considering moving there. That's the kind of society I would like to be a part of, and this one just doesn't look like it'll make it past the teabaggage. Although, on another note, the papers called today's 75 teatards a "rally." Wonder what they would call all our antiwar, anti-teabagger, pro-progressive, pro-union marches, if they ever bothered to cover them.

Tr0tt0 July 28, 2011 at 11:17 am

Get behind me, Muslins.

Steverino247 July 28, 2011 at 11:24 am

What do you expect from a law enforcement agency that likes to recruit Mormons?

Limeylizzie July 28, 2011 at 11:30 am

OT, but that fucking bastard I was talking about yesterday, when I say "talking" I mean to you, my Wonkette imaginary friends, is in trouble.
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/07

Dudleydidwrong July 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

Let's see:
Divorced: check
Unemployed until elected to congress: check
Behind in child support: check
Didn't pay his staff: check
Republican: check–goes without saying

He fully qualifies for congress and the Tea Party family values committee chairmanship. Man's got a future…

GOPCrusher July 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Seems that Tea Baggers have troubles paying on their obligations.
Certainly a group of people that should be driving the debate on fiscal responsibility in America.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Many upfists!

DustBowlBlues July 28, 2011 at 11:32 am

Starting with the ugly fact that I'm working bees tomorrow to take advantage of the "cool" spell–it's only going to be 99F–to the fucked up congress being fucked by the Teabagglicans, FAA not getting any money unless they fuck the union (yadayada constant refrain from these dicks) to watching trees dying for lack of water, to Democrats rights to the franchise being eliminated, to the Kock brothers and their ilk owning America, to a bunch of Norwegian kids being killed because their parents are liberals, to the fact that I almost used the wrong "their" in that last sentence fragment, to Beck blaming the kids for being liberals so, what did they expect? and Faux news being angry the shooter wasn't a Muslin so all they can do scream that those annoying Norskes and the lamestream media are victimizing Xians, all I can say is,

What the fuck? The well-heeled inmates in the Hall of Billionaires really have taken over, haven't they? If the lord is going to ruin my summer and kill my trees with her mighty heat and drought, could she not let me have the megamillions winning ticket in my purse so I can blow 50 million on attack ads?

Really. What the fuck?

Mumbletypeg July 28, 2011 at 11:43 am

Bravissimo! Pity I'm not a Lotto adherent but, if thumbz were spare change I'd be throwing money at you, or at least my two nickel's worth.

Limeylizzie July 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

I am just impressed by the whole bees mention!

Dudleydidwrong July 28, 2011 at 11:56 am

As a former keeper of bees myself, you have my deepest empathy and support. The bees don't seem to care who is running the asylum, but they should (if they could) because no one in power seems to give a damn about their world, upon which so much of our world is built–and is now tottering.

Mahousu July 28, 2011 at 11:38 am

All right, somebody at the FBI is doing peyote big-time. From page 3 of the presentation:

Tools that give the interrogator the psychological advantage:
An Ancient Mayan Legend of the Spinning Pyramid

Hopefully, they warn their recruits not to drive or operate heavy machinery once the pyramid starts spinning.

anniegetyerfun July 28, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Yes, I wanted to ask about that, but my brain exploded out through my nostrils and I was otherwise engaged in clean-up for a while.

Neilist_Returns July 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

The Browns don't worry me anymore.

It's those blonde, blue-eyed, Bible-thumping, strapping Norwegians that worry me nowadays.

No more Lief Erickson jokes from me.

Oh, and one more thing: I have been in trial, and haven't been following the press reports that closely. But I don't recall any meaningful details about the firearms that he used to kill those 60 or whatever lutefish eaters on that island.

All I got was some vague reference to a "rifle and a pistol."

This is SHOCKING decline in journalistic standards.

Neilist
"Still Crazy After All These Years . . . "

ttommyunger July 28, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Also issued hard-bound copy of "My Pet Goat" signed by the idiot, himself, no doubt…STILL: The three most overrated things on earth; home cooking, home fucking and the FBI.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I'm probably going to regret asking, but what's wrong with home fucking?

ttommyunger July 28, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Nothing wrong with it, just overrated.

anniegetyerfun July 28, 2011 at 1:12 pm

The call to prayer is coming from inside the house.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi July 28, 2011 at 10:02 pm

some parts of the official September 11 story are true
you must never question the homeland government
you must never question the homeland media

DahBoner July 28, 2011 at 2:51 pm

They still offering a $50 bounty for heads of Mormons in Missouri?

Seems like a visit to the St Louis or Kansas City FBI offices could be quite profitable…

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm

No, it's not. It definitely feels unsafe to be here, doesn't it? My condolences. On the plus side, hopefully, you look non-urban enough to fly under the radar.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I don't think you can *get* a used Hoveround. You know, because the poor things are worn down to nubs before their riders can be prised off them and reseated on the new, larger replacement.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Oh, definitely fappable. I've always preferred redheads.

Crank_Tango July 29, 2011 at 12:20 am

wait so eat wonky is a thing? and it has de la poutine? maybe DC isn't the festering shithole I thought it was…or maybe I should just find my own dang cheese curds here in norcal.

side note, when I was studying in quebec, in the long long ago, they put miracle whip on top of their poutine, god bless them.

MissusBarry July 29, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Indeed, http://www.eatwonky.com. I've always felt a good gravy makes or breaks it. The amount of thought and sampling involved is probably kinda ridiculous, but k-evers. And Miracle Whip on it, wow. I can see the flavors creating a beautiful harmony, but I think the richness might tip the scale in terms of my body rejecting it. Eh, fuck it, wouldn't be the only thing of that nature I'd go ahead and eat anyway. NorCal must be one of the worst places ever to try to indulge in a gluttonous treat.

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