ideas

Kansas Senator Would Like Barack Obama To Beat Him At Basketball

Between the tantrum-throwing and secret Ben Affleck movie viewings, it appears that this debt debate has officially caused everyone in Washington to go completely insane! Or at least more insane than usual. Exhibit A: Republican Sen. Pat Roberts of Kansas is having very detailed panic dreams about a made-up basketball game between himself and President Obama, in which the two discuss tax hikes in the aviation industry and then Roberts loses miserably, to prove a point.

“I’d like to emphasize while we were playing that basically he shouldn’t be more concerned with increasing the debt ceiling past the 2012 elections and working on a long-term solution for solving the crisis,” said Roberts.

“And then after I shot and missed it and I would say ‘your ball again, Mr. President,’ I would say as he was trying to drive around me rather successfully, ‘the truth is that these aircraft actually serve as an essential business tool…’” continued Roberts.

Roberts story carried on in a similar colloquial style for about 20-minutes and included several elements of basketball including dribbling, Obama stealing the ball, the president “spot [ting] him 10,” a free shot, a hook shot, and the senior senator from Kansas giving the president a “sort of nudge” when he got under the bucket and the president throwing a “sharp elbow” that resulted in a foul.

Roberts did acknowledge that discussing tax hikes was an intense conversation for the basketball court. At one point he said Obama might ask him to “quit talking, start shooting.”

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And then everything would be fixed! The brainstorming is certainly going well up there on Capitol Hill. [The Hill]

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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123 comments

  1. Barb

    He has something in common with Lindsey Graham, who also dreams of dribbling on the POTUS' balls.

        1. Fukui_sanYesOta

          I had a dream about the President slapping my balls

          The honorable Senior US Senator from Kansas, Pat "Analrapist" Roberts

  2. bureaucrap

    the dribble on the court can't hold a candle to the drivel coming out of Sen. Roberts' mouth.

  3. FlownOver

    This is what senators do instead of working. Particularly, it seems, my senator.

    Oh, well… it'll make a great story to tell the grandkids around the hobo campfire.

  4. DaRooster

    "…and the president throwing a “sharp elbow” that resulted in a foul."

    "It's freakin' one on one… there ain't no fouls! Just get up and quit cryin' Bitch!"

    1. FlownOver

      Let me put it this way: Roberts was the better of our two senators until the other one (you may remember "Senator Snowflake") decided to come home and ruin the state from the governor's office.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Good Lord, that man could be best be decscribed as 'a generic middle-aged white man from the heartland".

      1. Negropolis

        I don't want to get in trouble for being a young whippersnapper, but he's more than just a few years beyond "middle aged" at the age of 75. The man is old enough to be our middle-aged president's (youngish) father.

  5. CrankyLttlCamperette

    In a related story, Robert's PR guy flees Capitol Hill for Buddhist monastery. All he left was a note saying "I told him not to talk about the goddamned basketball dream."

  6. SorosBot

    Cool story bro; I also had a really weird dream last night, but I didn't call a press conference about it.

  7. Limeylizzie

    In the same vein, I had a truly, wicked, erotic and flat-out naughty dream about Rachel Maddow last night, one of those where you wake up and look over at your husband guiltily because you have been a very, very bad girl.

    1. widestanceroman

      There, there. As long as it's still your husband you woke up with, you're merely human.

    2. Guppy06

      The solution, then, is to confess your guilt to said husband so that he can properly punish you.

      1. flamingpdog

        No, no, no, put said husband in a Rachel Maddow outfit and re-enact the dream to free yourself of any guilt.

        Oh, and video at 11.

        1. AJWjr.

          As long as scissoring wasn't the central theme of the dream, because we males don't really find that to be of much use.

    3. horsedreamer_1

      At least you would have a chance in real life. We men who lust for Maddow are SOL.

    4. karen

      That's so damn weird, I just had one a few days ago! It was funny because my girlfriend rolled over and was like "I had a great dream about you." Then I said "Dude holy shit, I had an awesome dream about Rachel Maddow!"

      Needless to say, she wasn't impressed.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I have such a straight-girl crush on her, she was very forceful and serious in my dream, it was fabulous!

          1. Limeylizzie

            What is it about her? The height, the smarts, the beautiful dark-brown eyes, the cunilingual wizadry?

  8. Callyson

    At one point he said Obama might ask him to “quit talking, start shooting.”
    Actually, that's what the country is saying to Obama. Quit talking to the Reeps who will never, ever work with you, and start shooting unilateral actions to save this nation's economy, starting with the 14th Amendment remedy…

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    When I think of the history of great political oratory in this country, Daniel Webster, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Ronald Regan, I do wonder why Pat Roberts has not been included.

  10. OneYieldRegular

    Pat Roberts could learn something from the restraint displayed by my colleague's six-year old daughter, who refused to send a Valentine's Day card to the boy on whom she had a crush because if she did, he'd know about it.

  11. Crank_Tango

    I wonder why these assholes don't just suggest they whip their cocks out and measure them…Oh wait, I know why.

  12. Mumbletypeg

    Hoop dreams never yielded such purple prose, even from a dweller of the b-ball obsessed grain belt.
    UNLESS I'm forgetting someone… isn't there anyone *else* who couldn't stop spouting ungainly sports metaphors in an embarrassing display of bathos?

  13. elviouslyqueer

    At the beginning of his speech Roberts said he was not trying to be “presumptuous or disrespectful” to President Obama by using the allegory but that he was simply trying to get his point across.

    Oh, of course not. Because there's absolutely nothing stereotypical about yoking together black men and basketball expertise.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      The very same thought crossed my mind.

      Especially when you're a coffin-dodging white Republican. Why not golf? I suspect El Presidente's dusky urban hue might have made some unconscious connection in the good Senator's brain.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      Well, you have to admit that Barry made a big deal out of ballin' to up his street-cred with those in The Community who questioned his blackness. (Ballin' sweet, dark chocolate Michelle probably helped in that regard, too.)

      1. PristineODummy

        Michelle sure looks like a DailyDose would keep away any heart trouble. Mmm-mmm sweet!

    1. FlownOver

      Does the name "Naismith" ring a bell? Let me know when you'll be in town and we can drop by his freakin' grave! Ditto Phog Allen.

      "WTF" indeed.

    2. Negropolis

      Folks loves them some basketball here in the Midwest, just like they loves them football in the South. Well, maybe not that much, but pretty damned close. Just look at Indiana.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    So Roberts loses an imaginary game of basketball with President Obama while persuading him in an imaginary monologue that corporate jets should still have a tax break. At least he's gauging his imaginary basketball skills correctly.

    1. bagofmice

      It's like this guy has never done a teleconference. I have to do one every morning to catch up with the team in Ireland.

    1. flamingpdog

      This guy is so old that he remembers when Wilt Chamberlain was the official State Negro of Kansas.

  15. WinterOuthouse

    A big fat fantasy about how white men can beat the negro that stole the WHITE house. All urbans steal. All urbans play basketball wuth the brathas. All urbans have afros and fuzzy dice and women with gigantic tits.

  16. ThundercatHo

    Nice try Kanzass but here in Ohio we not only have 2 reps with DUIs (R) but our residents will now get to vote on whether to opt out of health care reform. TITS!

  17. pinkocommi

    Republitard Sen. Pat Roberts is 75 years old. If he can run up and down a basketball court at all, it is only because he, first elected to Congress in 1980, has had top notch health care benefits and a $174,000 salary that are more than most Americans could dream of.

  18. BarackMyWorld

    And this is the part where I start googling the requirements of applying for Danish citizenship.

          1. ShaveTheWhales

            Don't we kind of like Hickenlooper (vs the alternatives)?

            Sorry if I've not been keeping up.

          2. PristineODummy

            Somewhat lame-ish, but pretty mild compared to the flaming bags of poo screaming and running in circles that currently constitute the Republican establishment. I mean, he's doing a LOT better than that LePage moron who insisted on removing the labor murals from … the Department of Labor!

          3. flamingpdog

            OK, OK, I just like to call him Dickinpooper (Chickenpooper in more polite company). I hope Colorado is blue enough these days that the alternatives were never viable. But the man has never met a natural gas well that he doesn't like, and he refuses to advocate raising the state tax on natural gas extraction even to the level it is in the arch-conservative Republican rectangular state to the north, which coincidentally is not having the fiscal crisis that Colorado is. And Dolores, Colorado (Pinto Bean Capital of the World) can't begin to keep up with the states' current demand for hobo beans.

          4. PristineODummy

            I know, I know. But between Dan Maes and Tom Tancredo, you know, Ol' Dickinpooper just looked so … sane.

    1. emmelemm

      I dunno, I used to think Norway would be all cold weather and kumbaya… apparently I was mistaken.

    2. Negropolis

      You know, I've always had England as a back-up plan, but seeing that they are going to hell in a trolleycart, as well, I'll have to find somewhere else to dream about. Canada's not much an option even more with their riots in Vancouver, and Rob Ford in Toronto, and Harper in Commons, and Newfies and Quebecois Bieber, oh my!

  19. MissTaken

    I too fantasize about Obama, a lot…BUT us playing basketball while discussing corporate jet tax loopholes has never, ever been a part of said fantasy. No sirree.

  20. Radiotherapy®

    I do believe the correct allegory here is the Harlem Globetrotters. Remember how despite their farcical clowning around, they never, ever lost a game to the Washington Generals. Well, the Repubs , and, specifically, their fanatical devotion to not taxing the job creators, have become the Globetrotters. And the Dems have become their inept foils.

    1. bagofmice

      I don't think the Generals ever got Bin Laden, even if they gayed up their forces with the repeal of DADT. At the very least, they would have health care after being run over by these Globetrotters.

  21. DerrickWildcat

    Every State has it's share of religious kookery. However, in Kansas, they run for public office and get elected. This is one of the BIG problems with Kansas.
    This is why you get an endless string of people like Pat Robertson, Sam Brownback, Philip Kline, Creationism taught in schools and Ex-State Senator Kay O'Connor who told the league of Women Voters that Women shouldn't be able to vote because it erodes the values of a traditional family.

  22. __kth__

    Something tells me Sen. Roberts was on the verge of tears when he spun out this little fantasy. On our team, there was no black or white, only the blue and gold of Riverside High.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "Riverside High."

      Archie, Veronica, Betty, Moose, Reggie, Jughead. It just occurs to me that in my youth there were no minorities at all in Riverside (or Riverdale or whatever the fuck it was)

      Of course, no cool people would be caught dead within a 50 mile radius.

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It's been said before, it will be said again:

    What's the matter with Kansas?

    1. Negropolis

      At this point, it's probably easier/quicker to find the things that aren't wrong with Kansas.

  24. PristineODummy

    It concerns me that our Congresscritters seem to have abandoned any hope or pretense of sanity. It's almost as if they know something we don't.

  25. dogscantlookup

    the president “spot [ting] him 10,”
    THAT ONE has to spot him 10
    the president has "negroid foot muscles"

    "negroid foot muscles," that was what 1950s doctors said my Nordic Uncle had

  26. Negropolis

    “quit talking, start shooting.”

    Yes, pleaze, moar of this. Mr. Roberts, you were silly to bring a basketball to a gunfight, weren't you?

    It's kind of nice, though, to hear these old guys wishing they could play basketball with the president instead of making the president's love of the game some racial cudgel, which seems to be their favorite sport.

  27. Negropolis

    Can Pat be the first one that gets squished when we decide not to raise the debt ceiling.

  28. comrad_darkness

    >‘the truth is that these aircraft actually serve as an essential business tool…’” continued Roberts.

    Much more so are well-educated employees. But they don't give a shit about that business resource, so I call bullshit.

      1. Redhead

        Oh but I have. I have. This is why I hate Kansas. (Well, slightly less than I hate Duke.) But still. '08 – arggggg. Kansas can suck some fat trucknutz for that one. (Though karma righted things in 09.) This past March doesn't count – that was just some crazy shit and no team played the way they should have.

        1. KenLayIsAlive

          *hiss*

          Seriously though. Hate Duke all you want but Kansas doesn't win a lot. I mean, we win a lot but the tournament is always dicey. To my eternal shagrin.

          1. Redhead

            Well, you stole UNC's chances in 08… but Coach K is Satan and Bin Laden and Palin and Bachmann rolled into one (plus he looks like a rat), so you're awesome for not being Duke. I'd root for Kansas to beat Duke any day (as long as you don't steal any more games from us).

          2. KenLayIsAlive

            Ah! A UNC fan. Well well. We went many years with old Roy and he never got us a title. But he's already got you one. That son of a bitch. ; )

            I made a sub sandwich for Paul Piece once, and gave him a free Snapple. That's as close as I'll come to basketball glory. Haha.

          3. Redhead

            And he's about to get us a second this year! ;) (Now if we could just hurry up to basketball season and bypass all this football drama…)

Comments are closed.