IDEAS  4:42 pm July 27, 2011

Kansas Senator Would Like Barack Obama To Beat Him At Basketball

by Blair Burke

Between the tantrum-throwing and secret Ben Affleck movie viewings, it appears that this debt debate has officially caused everyone in Washington to go completely insane! Or at least more insane than usual. Exhibit A: Republican Sen. Pat Roberts of Kansas is having very detailed panic dreams about a made-up basketball game between himself and President Obama, in which the two discuss tax hikes in the aviation industry and then Roberts loses miserably, to prove a point.

“I’d like to emphasize while we were playing that basically he shouldn’t be more concerned with increasing the debt ceiling past the 2012 elections and working on a long-term solution for solving the crisis,” said Roberts.

“And then after I shot and missed it and I would say ‘your ball again, Mr. President,’ I would say as he was trying to drive around me rather successfully, ‘the truth is that these aircraft actually serve as an essential business tool…’” continued Roberts.

Roberts story carried on in a similar colloquial style for about 20-minutes and included several elements of basketball including dribbling, Obama stealing the ball, the president “spot [ting] him 10,” a free shot, a hook shot, and the senior senator from Kansas giving the president a “sort of nudge” when he got under the bucket and the president throwing a “sharp elbow” that resulted in a foul.

Roberts did acknowledge that discussing tax hikes was an intense conversation for the basketball court. At one point he said Obama might ask him to “quit talking, start shooting.”

And then everything would be fixed! The brainstorming is certainly going well up there on Capitol Hill. [The Hill]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 123 comments }

Barb July 27, 2011 at 4:44 pm

He has something in common with Lindsey Graham, who also dreams of dribbling on the POTUS' balls.

ManchuCandidate July 27, 2011 at 4:55 pm

"I wouldn't mind taking a chubby between the cheeks."

Funke-ed.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 27, 2011 at 5:04 pm

If it means taking a chubby, I'm willing to suck it up.

T. Funke

Fukui_sanYesOta July 27, 2011 at 5:06 pm

I had a dream about the President slapping my balls

The honorable Senior US Senator from Kansas, Pat "Analrapist" Roberts

Crank_Tango July 27, 2011 at 5:14 pm

You, sir, are a mouthful!

poncho_pilot July 27, 2011 at 5:56 pm

maybe not hot cops. maybe hot sailors or hot sea…

Pragmatist2 July 27, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Well played!

MinAgain July 27, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Worst sex dream ever.

bureaucrap July 27, 2011 at 4:55 pm

the dribble on the court can't hold a candle to the drivel coming out of Sen. Roberts' mouth.

FlownOver July 27, 2011 at 4:55 pm

This is what senators do instead of working. Particularly, it seems, my senator.

Oh, well… it'll make a great story to tell the grandkids around the hobo campfire.

DaRooster July 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm

"…and the president throwing a “sharp elbow” that resulted in a foul."

"It's freakin' one on one… there ain't no fouls! Just get up and quit cryin' Bitch!"

ifthethunderdontgetya July 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Still crying about the fucking jet tax break?

What a miserable, pathetic tool.

What's the matter with Kansas, anyways?
~

Schmannnity July 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Its plains are flat and its people are wide. Also, Westboro Baptist.

FlownOver July 27, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Let me put it this way: Roberts was the better of our two senators until the other one (you may remember "Senator Snowflake") decided to come home and ruin the state from the governor's office.

Negropolis July 28, 2011 at 7:26 am

It's been the "Witch-burning Capital of America" for as long as I can remember.

Fukui_sanYesOta July 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Pat Roberts probably wants to be going on an all-Boniva diet before getting schooled at both hoops and economics by Bazza.

Limeylizzie July 27, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Good Lord, that man could be best be decscribed as 'a generic middle-aged white man from the heartland".

Negropolis July 28, 2011 at 7:30 am

I don't want to get in trouble for being a young whippersnapper, but he's more than just a few years beyond "middle aged" at the age of 75. The man is old enough to be our middle-aged president's (youngish) father.

ManchuCandidate July 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Barry and Pat playing b-ball would be funny to watch in the same way as one might consider Godzilla fighting Bambi.

natoslug July 27, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I loved that movie! The basketball game, probably not so much.

Lascauxcaveman July 27, 2011 at 9:50 pm

I loved that movie!

Did you know they remade it in 3-D?

CrankyLttlCamperette July 27, 2011 at 5:01 pm

In a related story, Robert's PR guy flees Capitol Hill for Buddhist monastery. All he left was a note saying "I told him not to talk about the goddamned basketball dream."

inapewetrust July 27, 2011 at 5:01 pm

developing policy based on the interpretation of dreams – that sounds about right for the modern GOP

mavenmaven July 27, 2011 at 5:21 pm

-although the usual GOP dreams more frequently feature Justin Bieber and the like.

PristineODummy July 27, 2011 at 10:07 pm

I thought he was a little old for most of them.

Negropolis July 28, 2011 at 7:32 am

Bieber is nearly legal, now, right? Yeah, he's way to old for them, now.

comrad_darkness July 28, 2011 at 11:49 am

Throw in an Astrologer or two and Nancy Reagan would heartily approve.

SorosBot July 27, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Cool story bro; I also had a really weird dream last night, but I didn't call a press conference about it.

Limeylizzie July 27, 2011 at 5:06 pm

In the same vein, I had a truly, wicked, erotic and flat-out naughty dream about Rachel Maddow last night, one of those where you wake up and look over at your husband guiltily because you have been a very, very bad girl.

widestanceroman July 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm

There, there. As long as it's still your husband you woke up with, you're merely human.

Guppy06 July 27, 2011 at 5:52 pm

The solution, then, is to confess your guilt to said husband so that he can properly punish you.

FlownOver July 27, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Oh, bad, bad Zoot!

flamingpdog July 27, 2011 at 7:09 pm

No, no, no, put said husband in a Rachel Maddow outfit and re-enact the dream to free yourself of any guilt.

Oh, and video at 11.

AJWjr. July 27, 2011 at 7:55 pm

As long as scissoring wasn't the central theme of the dream, because we males don't really find that to be of much use.

Chet Kincaid July 27, 2011 at 6:11 pm

"Punch the hippy, Lizzie!! Punch it hard!!"

horsedreamer_1 July 27, 2011 at 8:07 pm

At least you would have a chance in real life. We men who lust for Maddow are SOL.

karen July 27, 2011 at 10:05 pm

That's so damn weird, I just had one a few days ago! It was funny because my girlfriend rolled over and was like "I had a great dream about you." Then I said "Dude holy shit, I had an awesome dream about Rachel Maddow!"

Needless to say, she wasn't impressed.

Limeylizzie July 27, 2011 at 11:49 pm

I have such a straight-girl crush on her, she was very forceful and serious in my dream, it was fabulous!

BerkeleyBear July 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Kept the glasses on, eh? Nice.

Limeylizzie July 28, 2011 at 2:33 pm

What is it about her? The height, the smarts, the beautiful dark-brown eyes, the cunilingual wizadry?

Callyson July 27, 2011 at 5:06 pm

At one point he said Obama might ask him to “quit talking, start shooting.”
Actually, that's what the country is saying to Obama. Quit talking to the Reeps who will never, ever work with you, and start shooting unilateral actions to save this nation's economy, starting with the 14th Amendment remedy…

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 27, 2011 at 5:07 pm

When I think of the history of great political oratory in this country, Daniel Webster, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Ronald Regan, I do wonder why Pat Roberts has not been included.

deanbooth July 28, 2011 at 8:01 am

Sadly, years from now, no one will ask "Where were you when Pat Roberts gave his I Had a Dream speech."

MMathS July 28, 2011 at 9:24 am

You won the morning, deanbooth.

OneYieldRegular July 27, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Pat Roberts could learn something from the restraint displayed by my colleague's six-year old daughter, who refused to send a Valentine's Day card to the boy on whom she had a crush because if she did, he'd know about it.

Lascauxcaveman July 27, 2011 at 9:59 pm

♥ But ♥ He ♥♥♥♥Wants♥♥♥♥ H♥pie to ♥ Know.

Crank_Tango July 27, 2011 at 5:10 pm

I wonder why these assholes don't just suggest they whip their cocks out and measure them…Oh wait, I know why.

widestanceroman July 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

So, how was the post-game shower shag?

mavenmaven July 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

…and then he woke up and his pillow was gone…

Mumbletypeg July 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Hoop dreams never yielded such purple prose, even from a dweller of the b-ball obsessed grain belt.
UNLESS I'm forgetting someone… isn't there anyone *else* who couldn't stop spouting ungainly sports metaphors in an embarrassing display of bathos?

SayItWithWookies July 27, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Charles M. Schulz?

AJWjr. July 27, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Limbaugh? Shrub?

comrad_darkness July 28, 2011 at 11:46 am

Yogi Bera?

elviouslyqueer July 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

At the beginning of his speech Roberts said he was not trying to be “presumptuous or disrespectful” to President Obama by using the allegory but that he was simply trying to get his point across.

Oh, of course not. Because there's absolutely nothing stereotypical about yoking together black men and basketball expertise.

Fukui_sanYesOta July 27, 2011 at 6:26 pm

The very same thought crossed my mind.

Especially when you're a coffin-dodging white Republican. Why not golf? I suspect El Presidente's dusky urban hue might have made some unconscious connection in the good Senator's brain.

Chet Kincaid July 27, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Well, you have to admit that Barry made a big deal out of ballin' to up his street-cred with those in The Community who questioned his blackness. (Ballin' sweet, dark chocolate Michelle probably helped in that regard, too.)

PristineODummy July 27, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Michelle sure looks like a DailyDose would keep away any heart trouble. Mmm-mmm sweet!

GOPCrusher July 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

WTF does someone from Kansas know about basketball?

FlownOver July 27, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Does the name "Naismith" ring a bell? Let me know when you'll be in town and we can drop by his freakin' grave! Ditto Phog Allen.

"WTF" indeed.

Negropolis July 28, 2011 at 7:38 am

Folks loves them some basketball here in the Midwest, just like they loves them football in the South. Well, maybe not that much, but pretty damned close. Just look at Indiana.

Schmannnity July 27, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Such an urban sport for Kansas!

PristineODummy July 27, 2011 at 10:04 pm

And I was assured they had few urbans.

SayItWithWookies July 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm

So Roberts loses an imaginary game of basketball with President Obama while persuading him in an imaginary monologue that corporate jets should still have a tax break. At least he's gauging his imaginary basketball skills correctly.

bagofmice July 29, 2011 at 12:34 am

It's like this guy has never done a teleconference. I have to do one every morning to catch up with the team in Ireland.

Atlas Frooged July 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

White man can't even dream about jumping? Lame.

DahBoner July 27, 2011 at 5:42 pm

This guy is so old, he remembers when Larry Byrd was black…

flamingpdog July 27, 2011 at 7:14 pm

This guy is so old that he remembers when Wilt Chamberlain was the official State Negro of Kansas.

Negropolis July 28, 2011 at 7:39 am

Please, of all the things that Larry may have been, Larry ain't ever been black.

WinterOuthouse July 27, 2011 at 5:44 pm

A big fat fantasy about how white men can beat the negro that stole the WHITE house. All urbans steal. All urbans play basketball wuth the brathas. All urbans have afros and fuzzy dice and women with gigantic tits.

ThundercatHo July 27, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Nice try Kanzass but here in Ohio we not only have 2 reps with DUIs (R) but our residents will now get to vote on whether to opt out of health care reform. TITS!

pinkocommi July 27, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Republitard Sen. Pat Roberts is 75 years old. If he can run up and down a basketball court at all, it is only because he, first elected to Congress in 1980, has had top notch health care benefits and a $174,000 salary that are more than most Americans could dream of.

littlebigdaddy July 28, 2011 at 1:29 pm

He's so old he can remember when non-Dominican black guys played baseball!

BarackMyWorld July 27, 2011 at 6:05 pm

And this is the part where I start googling the requirements of applying for Danish citizenship.

MinAgain July 27, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Good choice. Those Danes are pretty hot.

Crank_Tango July 27, 2011 at 7:10 pm

are they the ones from ikea or all the nudism?

flamingpdog July 27, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Slight OT, but this is the premier news event in pdog land today. Includes a speech by Colorado Governor John Dickinpooper.

I haz the embarrassment.

ShaveTheWhales July 27, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Don't we kind of like Hickenlooper (vs the alternatives)?

Sorry if I've not been keeping up.

PristineODummy July 27, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Somewhat lame-ish, but pretty mild compared to the flaming bags of poo screaming and running in circles that currently constitute the Republican establishment. I mean, he's doing a LOT better than that LePage moron who insisted on removing the labor murals from … the Department of Labor!

emmelemm July 27, 2011 at 7:35 pm

I dunno, I used to think Norway would be all cold weather and kumbaya… apparently I was mistaken.

natoslug July 27, 2011 at 8:12 pm

You're not shooting for Oslo, then?

BaldarTFlagass July 28, 2011 at 8:11 am

He should, that place is a blast.

KenLayIsAlive July 28, 2011 at 8:48 pm

tøø sjøøn!

horsedreamer_1 July 27, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I would be happy to live without papers in Christania.

axmxz July 28, 2011 at 1:25 am

I'd happily flee to Finland, but they even hiss at brunettes over there.

Negropolis July 28, 2011 at 7:44 am

You know, I've always had England as a back-up plan, but seeing that they are going to hell in a trolleycart, as well, I'll have to find somewhere else to dream about. Canada's not much an option even more with their riots in Vancouver, and Rob Ford in Toronto, and Harper in Commons, and Newfies and Quebecois Bieber, oh my!

Nothingisamiss July 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I'm saying Australia. Warm, beachy,and seemingly up for some fun.

MissTaken July 27, 2011 at 6:31 pm

I too fantasize about Obama, a lot…BUT us playing basketball while discussing corporate jet tax loopholes has never, ever been a part of said fantasy. No sirree.

fuflans July 27, 2011 at 6:34 pm

who?

north_of_moscow July 27, 2011 at 6:50 pm

White men can't fantasize.

Radiotherapy® July 27, 2011 at 6:51 pm

I do believe the correct allegory here is the Harlem Globetrotters. Remember how despite their farcical clowning around, they never, ever lost a game to the Washington Generals. Well, the Repubs , and, specifically, their fanatical devotion to not taxing the job creators, have become the Globetrotters. And the Dems have become their inept foils.

bagofmice July 29, 2011 at 12:43 am

I don't think the Generals ever got Bin Laden, even if they gayed up their forces with the repeal of DADT. At the very least, they would have health care after being run over by these Globetrotters.

Come here a minute July 27, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I would love to see Obama go all "Sweet Georgia Brown" on his ass.

DerrickWildcat July 27, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Every State has it's share of religious kookery. However, in Kansas, they run for public office and get elected. This is one of the BIG problems with Kansas.
This is why you get an endless string of people like Pat Robertson, Sam Brownback, Philip Kline, Creationism taught in schools and Ex-State Senator Kay O'Connor who told the league of Women Voters that Women shouldn't be able to vote because it erodes the values of a traditional family.

BarackMyWorld July 27, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Different Pat.

DerrickWildcat July 27, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Yeah, I meant Sen. Pat Roberts

__kth__ July 27, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Something tells me Sen. Roberts was on the verge of tears when he spun out this little fantasy. On our team, there was no black or white, only the blue and gold of Riverside High.

BaldarTFlagass July 27, 2011 at 9:34 pm

"Riverside High."

Archie, Veronica, Betty, Moose, Reggie, Jughead. It just occurs to me that in my youth there were no minorities at all in Riverside (or Riverdale or whatever the fuck it was)

Of course, no cool people would be caught dead within a 50 mile radius.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 27, 2011 at 9:18 pm

It's been said before, it will be said again:

What's the matter with Kansas?

Negropolis July 28, 2011 at 7:49 am

At this point, it's probably easier/quicker to find the things that aren't wrong with Kansas.

GOPCrusher July 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm

It's the Land of Ahhhhhhs.

PristineODummy July 27, 2011 at 9:57 pm

It concerns me that our Congresscritters seem to have abandoned any hope or pretense of sanity. It's almost as if they know something we don't.

ttommyunger July 27, 2011 at 11:46 pm

…and your point is?

BobWonderPoodle July 28, 2011 at 12:04 am

Rock, chalk, debt ceiling talk.

mrblifil July 28, 2011 at 12:20 am

Did Pat touch on the dilemma of seeing his hoops partner naked in the locker room afterward?

dogscantlookup July 28, 2011 at 2:36 am

it appears that this debt debate has officially caused everyone in Washington to go completely insane!

charlie m sez PBJT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQZfBfDSLMA

dogscantlookup July 28, 2011 at 2:58 am

the president “spot [ting] him 10,”
THAT ONE has to spot him 10
the president has "negroid foot muscles"

"negroid foot muscles," that was what 1950s doctors said my Nordic Uncle had

Negropolis July 28, 2011 at 7:23 am

“quit talking, start shooting.”

Yes, pleaze, moar of this. Mr. Roberts, you were silly to bring a basketball to a gunfight, weren't you?

It's kind of nice, though, to hear these old guys wishing they could play basketball with the president instead of making the president's love of the game some racial cudgel, which seems to be their favorite sport.

GOPCrusher July 28, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I'd like to sit down and eat fried chicken with President Obama.

-Fuzzy Zoeller

Negropolis July 28, 2011 at 7:50 am

Can Pat be the first one that gets squished when we decide not to raise the debt ceiling.

Indiepalin July 28, 2011 at 9:32 am

I didn't know Kansas had any black senators.

nanooknw July 28, 2011 at 11:19 am

Well here you go. Too busy playing imaginary games to focus on the debt ceiling.

comrad_darkness July 28, 2011 at 11:42 am

>‘the truth is that these aircraft actually serve as an essential business tool…’” continued Roberts.

Much more so are well-educated employees. But they don't give a shit about that business resource, so I call bullshit.

BornInATrailer July 28, 2011 at 1:54 pm

There you go, Spike Lee. Your plot for Jungle Fever 2.

Redhead July 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm

I'd love to see anyone associated with Kansas lose majorly at basketball.

KenLayIsAlive July 28, 2011 at 8:41 pm

You clearly haven't been watching march madness the last few years. *sobs*

Redhead July 28, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Oh but I have. I have. This is why I hate Kansas. (Well, slightly less than I hate Duke.) But still. '08 – arggggg. Kansas can suck some fat trucknutz for that one. (Though karma righted things in 09.) This past March doesn't count – that was just some crazy shit and no team played the way they should have.

KenLayIsAlive July 28, 2011 at 11:08 pm

*hiss*

Seriously though. Hate Duke all you want but Kansas doesn't win a lot. I mean, we win a lot but the tournament is always dicey. To my eternal shagrin.

Redhead July 28, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Well, you stole UNC's chances in 08… but Coach K is Satan and Bin Laden and Palin and Bachmann rolled into one (plus he looks like a rat), so you're awesome for not being Duke. I'd root for Kansas to beat Duke any day (as long as you don't steal any more games from us).

Buckminster July 29, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Sounds awfully ghey to me.

flamingpdog July 28, 2011 at 12:36 am

OK, OK, I just like to call him Dickinpooper (Chickenpooper in more polite company). I hope Colorado is blue enough these days that the alternatives were never viable. But the man has never met a natural gas well that he doesn't like, and he refuses to advocate raising the state tax on natural gas extraction even to the level it is in the arch-conservative Republican rectangular state to the north, which coincidentally is not having the fiscal crisis that Colorado is. And Dolores, Colorado (Pinto Bean Capital of the World) can't begin to keep up with the states' current demand for hobo beans.

PristineODummy July 28, 2011 at 1:35 am

I know, I know. But between Dan Maes and Tom Tancredo, you know, Ol' Dickinpooper just looked so … sane.

KenLayIsAlive July 28, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Ah! A UNC fan. Well well. We went many years with old Roy and he never got us a title. But he's already got you one. That son of a bitch. ; )

I made a sub sandwich for Paul Piece once, and gave him a free Snapple. That's as close as I'll come to basketball glory. Haha.

Redhead July 29, 2011 at 7:22 am

And he's about to get us a second this year! ;) (Now if we could just hurry up to basketball season and bypass all this football drama…)

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