EVERYBODY STRAP IN, The Hill released its “50 Most Beautiful People for 2011” listicle thingamaboob, which contrary to the title is not a list of the 50 most beautiful people on Earth, but more like a “top 50 list of congressional staffers Newt Gingrich will try to DM on Twitter when his current wife gets a double brain tumor.” As per the tradition, it is a very boring list that tries to be all gossipy about exercise and “couponing” and dog doo cleanup tips from a swath of hyper type-A twentysomethings, except that is actually fifty pages, which is a loooooong time in Internet years to ask people to read a “feature story” about absolutely nothing. We even tabbed back over to stories about the debt ceiling a few times, is what we are saying. Maybe a “top 4” would do it next year?
- There are -7 Democrats on this list. Seriously, it’s almost entirely Republicans. Oh right, because Democrats grow up to look like John Kerry and Dennis Kucinich. Same reason Lindsey Graham is a RINO.
- Here is an example of the kind of heart-stopping insight on every page of this feature: “Woestehoff has introduced fish and chicken back into his diet, a symbol of the consistency he seeks throughout his life.”
- Oh look we found one Democrat. What’s his take? “‘When I first started,’ Lilley says, ‘I was just blown away that people in their 20s are allowed to make these decisions. We probably don’t have any business making these decisions.’” Hooray, this is the most valuable/scary thing we have read so far. We always assumed the old white people were in charge, which is actually probably worse, so nevermind.
- John Boehner’s softball team is called the “Mastodons.” Why did they pick an animal that scientists just made up over one that God actually invented? The AFA will probably have something say about this. STOP TEECHING CHILDREN LIES, John Boehner’s softball team.
- Whiner dildosack neocon Marco Rubio also made this list, which is weird because probably there is a stoplight or something in D.C. that we would rather have sex with more than this guy. And here is the out-of-context Jeb Bush quote about Marco Rubio: “He’s the only guy I know on the scene today who can make grown men cry.” Gross, thanks.
- Anthony Weiner is sad he is not on this list and did not get to submit topless pixx for his entry.
SO THERE YOU GO. And now your Wonkette is to going to go napalm the ice cream truck that has been parked outside for the last hour playing the same two bars of “The Entertainer” over and over. Ah, summer. [The Hill]