sex bomb sex bomb

Here Are the 50 Sexxxiest People Trapped On Capitol Hill This Summer!

why was rand paul left out?EVERYBODY STRAP IN, The Hill released its “50 Most Beautiful People for 2011″ listicle thingamaboob, which contrary to the title is not a list of the 50 most beautiful people on Earth, but more like a “top 50 list of congressional staffers Newt Gingrich will try to DM on Twitter when his current wife gets a double brain tumor.” As per the tradition, it is a very boring list that tries to be all gossipy about exercise and “couponing” and dog doo cleanup tips from a swath of hyper type-A twentysomethings, except that is actually fifty pages, which is a loooooong time in Internet years to ask people to read a “feature story” about absolutely nothing. We even tabbed back over to stories about the debt ceiling a few times, is what we are saying. Maybe a “top 4″ would do it next year? 

Briefly:

  • There are -7 Democrats on this list. Seriously, it’s almost entirely Republicans. Oh right, because Democrats grow up to look like John Kerry and Dennis Kucinich. Same reason Lindsey Graham is a RINO.
  • Here is an example of the kind of heart-stopping insight on every page of this feature: “Woestehoff has introduced fish and chicken back into his diet, a symbol of the consistency he seeks throughout his life.”
  • Oh look we found one Democrat. What’s his take? “‘When I first started,’ Lilley says, ‘I was just blown away that people in their 20s are allowed to make these decisions. We probably don’t have any business making these decisions.’” Hooray, this is the most valuable/scary thing we have read so far. We always assumed the old white people were in charge, which is actually probably worse, so nevermind.
  • John Boehner’s softball team is called the “Mastodons.” Why did they pick an animal that scientists just made up over one that God actually invented? The AFA will probably have something say about this. STOP TEECHING CHILDREN LIES, John Boehner’s softball team.
  • Whiner dildosack neocon Marco Rubio also made this list, which is weird because probably there is a stoplight or something in D.C. that we would rather have sex with more than this guy. And here is the out-of-context Jeb Bush quote about Marco Rubio: “He’s the only guy I know on the scene today who can make grown men cry.” Gross, thanks.
  • Anthony Weiner is sad he is not on this list and did not get to submit topless pixx for his entry.

SO THERE YOU GO. And now your Wonkette is to going to go napalm the ice cream truck that has been parked outside for the last hour playing the same two bars of “The Entertainer” over and over. Ah, summer. [The Hill]

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  • Ducksworthy

    Tits or GTFO (too soon?)

    • poncho_pilot

      only if your comment is post-op.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      I saw lots of tits in that article.

    • AJWjr.

      Two words: Virginia. Foxx.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Oh good god no. DO NOT WANT.

    • PristineODummy

      It is never too soon for tits. (Of the gazeworthy variety, anyway.)

    • DoctorBananas

      More like Tits or GTMO

  • fartknocker

    It's good to know Orly Taitz didn't make the list. Number 4 is quite the hottie.

    If they ever do a best hair contest my vote is for Big Chief Rick Pretty Hair Perry.

    • Ducksworthy

      Also good to know that the Fox News Producer is a "non-partisan". Is that kind of like that fair and balanced thing Herr Goebbels?

  • Barb

    They should release a list of the people of Capitol Hill who are working on job creation. They could just print it on the back of a matchbook.
    It's a good thing that Border's Books is going out of business. I got the Rosetta Stone "How to Speak Chinese" software at 40% off.

    • Redhead

      Well the 50 sexiest people list is really the "here's a group of people who aren't quite as ugly as the rest" list, so maybe they can just find a bunch of people who PRETENDED to work on job creation a little harder than the rest, put them all in a list (hey, you get to pose for pictures!) and call if the hardest working people of DC?

      • Barb

        Beauty is only skin deep, GOP is to the bone ugly.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Sadly, most of these hill people — the Republicans, anyway (when are they going to finally just get it over with and change their party name to "The Nihilists"?) — are job creationists, so don't expect much until they get Rick Perry to ask God to get on the case.

      Also, I work for a congressional directory, so I am actually reading all 50 of these things, for my jerb. The little profiles are sensationally insipid. Sample: "Just enjoy life,” he added of his personal beauty philosophy. If that motto is what keeps Collins looking 20 years younger than his 45 years, it must be working.”

      Personal beauty philosophy?! Jesus. So yeah, sorry about the long post.

      • tessiee

        "If that motto is what keeps Collins looking 20 years younger than his 45 years, it must be working"

        I can personally recommend fresh air, daily exercise, a balanced diet, positive thinking, and regular sex with hot, brainy men. I'm not sure whether I actually look 20 years younger than my actual age, but on the other hand, who the hell cares?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Uh-oh — you didn't get it from a South Carolina teabagger by any chance, did you?

      • PristineODummy

        Oh, boy. Those are some prime specimens of the shy and elusive native of the SillyValley known as "software developer." Not.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    You know what they say: They all look like Michelle Malkin.

    • elviouslyqueer

      HAHA that was my first thought. But especially the #1 chick from Keokuk, IA.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Cha-Cheng!

    • LesBontemps

      … when you turn them upside-down.

      • PristineODummy

        Anything looks like Michelle Malkin when you turn it upside-down. (Especially if it comes with a HUGE opening, or has something other than a discreetly covered cloaca.)

    • widestanceroman

      Which is to say, a very large old carp.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Is that what Woestehoff meant by "fish" in his diet?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          "There are three things that smell like fish. One of them is… fish. The other two… are growing on you!"

  • Nostrildamus

    Coincidently, "Mastodons" is also the name of John Boehner's latest porno.

  • An_Outhouse

    The narcissism that oozes out of Washington is not a laughing matter.

    "Grace Johnson, a scheduler for Rep. Chuck Fleischmann (R-Tenn.), loves Washington for its diverse intellectual climate."

    I just threw up a lot in my mouth.

    • Barb

      If the politicians keep their bullshit up then throwing up a little in your mouth may be the only shot at having a hot meal we have left.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Oh my, brown people!

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      From the same article:

      “I think being nice is being pretty,” Johnson said. “Having a bad attitude makes you unattractive.”

      Johnson would know, having won the superlative “most sincere” in high school.

      That's when I started ignoring the text and just clicking through. I made it to about number 17 before thinking "why am I killing braincells with this shit?" and came back here for a tall glass of refreshing snark.

      • FNMA

        "Math is hard."

      • Rosie_Scenario

        And when you can fake sincerity, you have it made.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Chicks dig sincerity!

    • genxr

      He's coming from Tennessee, so no surprise there.

    • fuflans

      yeah and then she says she would marry malcolm gladwell like that's going to impress us.

      or possible.

      • V572 Hair of Destiny

        Has she ever seen Malcom Gladwell, one wonders? I mean, as long as we're being superficial…

    • Mahousu

      Hey, Washington does have a "diverse intellectual climate." We've got smart people, and we've got stupid people. That's diversity for you. Let's not try to get into the relative proportions of each, though.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

      I wonder if "loving the diverse intellectual climate" includes hanging out with the cute ghey boys up on Dupont Circle.

    • tessiee

      "loves Washington for its diverse intellectual climate."

      Far right, ultra far right, and insanely far right?

  • genxr

    Hey it's the annual "tallest leprechaun" contest!

    • BarackMyWorld

      Or "Most Educated Palin."

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    If I said they all look alike to me would that be racist?

    • Preferred Customer

      No, but if you said Kalinda Stephenson's "brightly colored outfits…give away her Hispanic heritage," that would be.

      Fortunately, they said it, so you don't have to.
      http://thehill.com/capital-living/173451-50-most-

      • OneDollarJuana

        That's funny, 'cuz my Mexican mother-in-law usually dressed in brown, top to bottom.

    • PristineODummy

      No, because they all really do look like HUGE* assholes.

      * Sorry, I've got Rick Perry's HUGE opening on the brain.

  • Respitetini

    Looks like a page out of "Republican Mail Brides Quarterly".

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      I am most heartened that the deepest, most earnest core values of Republicans also mean they cringe and perspire when any woman says any goddamn thing at all, ever.

      • OneDollarJuana

        They cringe and perspire about young male pages, too.

        • PristineODummy

          Probably more earnestly … feelingly … enthusiastically … something implying large quantities of both cringement and perspiration.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I think you mean "Republican Male Brides Quarterly"

  • Come here a minute

    That is the right soundtrack, because just like in The Sting, the twentysomethings working on Capitol Hill are a small grifty part of a massively complex scam.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I'm just gonna jump on the #FuckYou50SexxxiestWashington twitter train.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Sarah Palin was/is (depending on one's point of view) a pretty person.

    So was Miss Teen South Carolina 2007, She of maps and US America fame.

    Not saying… just saying.

    • anniegetyerfun

      You would think that a publication out of Washington DC would really go for the "inner beauty" angle.

      • genxr

        inner beauty with a gallon of vasoline on the lens.

        • PristineODummy

          That could work. In fact, it might be the only thing that does.

  • horsedreamer_1

    ALT METAL LIBEL!!!

    • Frost/Nixon/Robocop

      RUN….WITH….DEBT!!!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The beautiful people, the beautiful people
    It's all relative to the size of your steeple
    You can't see the forest for the trees
    You can't smell your own shit on your knees

    There's no time to discriminate,
    Hate every motherfucker
    That's in your way

    Hey you, what do you see?
    Something beautiful, something free?
    Hey you, are you trying to be mean?
    If you live with apes man, it's hard to be clean

    The worms will live in every host
    It's hard to pick which one they eat most

    The horrible people, the horrible people
    It's as anatomic as the size of your steeple
    Capitalism has made it this way,
    Old-fashioned fascism will take it away

    There's no time to discriminate,
    Hate every motherfucker
    That's in your way

    The beautiful people

  • poncho_pilot

    i know i want my life to be the consistency of chicken and/or fish. kind of mushy but a little stringy.

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      And bland, taking most of its flavor from things around it.

      • poncho_pilot

        so i just have to pull a "Talented Mr. Ripley" on a friend of mine who fits your comment and i'm good to go.

      • OneDollarJuana

        With little bones that can stick in your throat and possible kill you.

    • MissTaken

      Consistently smells like tuna but tastes like chicken

  • memzilla

    No mention of LNS membership? No mention of how many times they bar crawl over in Madams Organ?

    • genxr

      USFB or GTFO

    • V572 Hair of Destiny

      That's so 2009. This is the new austerity. People drink alone at home. It's the Republican way.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Even Kortney thinks she would rather have sex with a rusty gardening implement than Rubio.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Typical
    Republicans are interested in tits and ass while democrats are more focused on brain power. When will they ever learn? People let 'the beautiful' get away with much more than the butt-ugly. Look how much the 'cuntree' is willing to tolerate from Parah Salin

  • terriblyfamous

    Is that really the best picture they could find of Kristi Noem? It looks like she's dodging flying debris.

    • PristineODummy

      I thought she *always* looked like that. I mean, you know, because she *is.*

      • Negropolis

        Isn't she the one that had her license suspended?

        • PristineODummy

          I think so, but you know what? I care so much, I never bothered to find out.

  • Goonemeritus

    Unless The Hill has Elizabeth Warren as the center fold I’m not clicking.

    • MissTaken

      RAWR!

    • anniegetyerfun

      Well, now I have to go rub one out.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Whiner dildosack neocon Marco Rubio also made this list, which is weird because probably there is a stoplight or something in D.C. that we would rather have sex with more than this guy. And here is the out-of-context Jeb Bush quote about Marco Rubio: “He’s the only guy I know on the scene today who can make grown men cry.”

    High praise from "The Smart One". I think.

    Rubio has been suprisingly ineffective and silent most of his term. Really, quite a pleasant turn of events. I always knew he was one of the emptiest of suits.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Don't forget the comb-over.

    • PristineODummy

      I want to know more about how he makes grown men cry. (Maybe he gives the best blowjobs in DC. I need to know stuff like this.)

  • Preferred Customer

    My nomination for "Most Unbelievably Unpleasant Dinner Companion Imaginable" goes to the woman who is a member of both PETA and the NRA. And is waiting for the Hobbit movie to come out. I mean, seriously? Normally, you have to round up a whole team of people to bring that kind of irritation, but she's like a triple-threat.
    http://thehill.com/capital-living/173451-50-most-

    • genxr

      Ugh. That pose with the glasses. Make it go away.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Bonus factoid: she works for Crap-o. It's good to see that she has such a well thought-out philosophy of life.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Her beauty tip is Omega-3 pills. Don't fish have lots of omega-3 fatty acids? Where do you think the oil in those pills comes from, Miss PETA member? Typical Republican hypocrite.

      • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

        To be fair, you can get omega-3 from flax and other stuff, but yeah, she probably squeezes the oil from baby bluefins before curling up into bed with Guns and Ammo. She needs to figure out that cognitive dissonance isn't cool.

    • prommie

      Thats all on top of the fact that every single person on the list starts out as one of the most irritating people on earth. Sweet Suffering Jesus on a pogo-stick, thats some shit there. PETA, NRA, and Hobbits?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Really, PETA and the NRA? She is probably the only NRA member honest enough to state that she owns a gun primarily to shoot people.

    • Preferred Customer
    • NYNYNYjr

      HA HA HA. A member of PETA, NRA, NAMBLA, Northeast Wizard Society, MENSA and president of the Two and a Half Men fanclub. And the lady can't get a date.

    • Negropolis

      Oh, isn't she just precious, bless her heart.

      I don't know what you're talking about. She'd be an awesome dinner guest in all of her awkwardness. I bet you money she's the "annoying drunk girl" at the party.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Mandi Critchfield has some photos in her past that would make Krystle Ball blush.

    • PristineODummy

      Linky-linky?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Unfortunately, no. Just a prediction.

  • Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Every year, this list cause Mark Foley to cry a single forlorn tear over what could have been.

    • johnnymeatworth

      To say nothing of George Rekers.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Here's the rub: there is nothing sexy about Republicans.

    • Mapmonger

      I know – I can't be bothered to click through all the young Republican tools just to try and find Democrat cheesecake. Couldn't they have filtered the list?

    • anniegetyerfun

      That's not the only "rub" you'll find with Republicans. After all, you can't spell "repub" without "rub"!

    • DashboardBuddha

      Only superficially so.

    • tessiee

      They're also not allowed to be cool, or try to be cool.
      It's just embarrassing when they try.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Congratulations, Adam Kinzinger's "profile." You've successfully solved the mystery of who is Paul Ryan's luggage lifter.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Geez – crack a smile once in a while, Dude!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I say lock Newt in a hotel room with Orly Taitz for a weekend to make a REAL man out of him.

  • Redhead

    And here is the out-of-context Jeb Bush quote about Marco Rubio: “He’s the only guy I know on the scene today who can make grown men cry – by making them picture him naked and imagine his sexytimes.”

    Fixed.

    • anniegetyerfun

      If Jeb Bush had actually said that, my respect for him would have increased tenfold.

  • freakishlywrong

    So, ignorant, obstructionist assholishness is the new sexxxxxxxxxy? Good to know.

    • AJWjr.

      But still no way to go through life, son.

  • widestanceroman

    Seriously? One person per page x 50 reloads just to look at people who are only mildly attractive outside of DC but in reality look like mall cattle?

    Hey, The Hill, you suck wooden dildoes for Green Stamps (that said, if anybody willing to look sees peen, reply with pic and I'll upfist you long time).

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Click the "Print" option and they are all on one page.

      • widestanceroman

        Color me stupid, but thanks, Cranks.

    • PristineODummy

      It's a trick, isn't it? You want us all to wade through FIFTY FUCKING PAGES — er — never mind, that came out wrong.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I got some ice cream
    I got some ice cream
    And you can't have none
    And you can't have none
    'Cause you're a blogger
    And you got no money
    And you'll soon be an al-
    coholic.

    apologies to Eddie Murphy.

    • Barb

      Lemonade, that cool refreshing drink. Sorry, I had to get your song out of my head for a while.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Needz moar Helen Thomas buttcrack.

    • DahBoner

      PULL UP YOUR PANTS, HELEN!!!

    • Radiotherapy®

      I thought her cracks were about the Joos.

    • PristineODummy

      PeopleofWalMart. There's plenty of buttcrack there and some of it looks to be in her age bracket.

    • justkillmenow

      Took me a while to complete the upfist as I was laughing so hard.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It's amazing that the CNN reporter and the FOX news Producer are both non-partisan. What are the odds of that?

  • Ducksworthy

    Wha' awful people

  • fuflans

    seriously, there is no way i'm going to trawl thru that list a single page at a time.

    that's bullshit, hill.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    This is just like Match.com, but for retards.

  • terriblyfamous

    And WHOA, hey, here's a Republican named "Rich Counts," terrific! Do you think he was given a new name upon admission to the society? "And he shall be called Rich Counts, because obviously it does, yes?"

    • genxr

      Count deMonet!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Another foreshortening of the name "Richard" is "Dick." Just sayin'.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Ah, poor kid. No wonder he grew up to be a jerk (I am assuming this based on his placement on this list).

        Also, he'll fit right in in Washington!

    • Negropolis

      I hear the Republicas forced him to change his name to "Jobcreator Counts".

  • thefrontpage

    This just came across the News Desk:

    The Hill Newspaper
    PRESS RELEASE
    July 27, 2011
    For Immediate Release

    Washington, D.C., July 27, 2011—The Hill newspaper announced today, Wednesday, July 27, 2011, that its annual "50 Most Beautiful People" feature is all a big satirical joke concocted every year by members of the staffs of The Hill, The Harvard Lampoon, Mad magazine, Cracked magazine, Saturday Night Live, Second City, writers of "The Office," and Saturday Night Live.

    "We have never, ever meant for this to be regarded as the truth–it's a joke, people," said Ben Woodstein, the publisher, president, chief executive officer and president of The Hill Publications, Inc., the parent company of The Hill newspaper. "To even begin to think that anyone would think that this is to be taken seriously is laughable. Come on, people–this is satire, parody. It's comedy, 100 percent. Do you really think that a newspaper covering government and politics would release such a stupid thing every year?"

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "a big satirical joke"

      The humor, it eludes me.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      I'm so embarrassed.
      There, that is satire.

    • PristineODummy

      Oh, thank you, thank you, for saving my sanity. The thought of having to examine their faces was almost enough to put me off sex.

  • thefrontpage

    "We've been telling people that this is a joke ever since this idiotic, stupid thing started," said Herman Menken, chief of media studies at the Pointer Institute, a private media think tank in Florida. "I mean, why would any newspaper publish such a stupid, stupid feature? I mean, it's unprofessional, subjective, amateurish, and not far above something created during free period in junior high school."

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

      In other words, it fits in perfectly with this Congress.

    • tessiee

      So, in other words, not intended to be a factual list?

  • thefrontpage

    "I've been telling everyone in comedy that this is a parody for years," said Harry Remus, one of the main authors of the "50" feature. "You'd think people would know–half of the 50 people on the list are made up. They do not exist in real life. They're completely made up. We used actors, friends and relatives for the pictures."

    "We will henceforth cease to publish this parody in the future, as its continued publication has severely, seriously and continuously harmed the credibility of The Hill as a functioning, serious newspaper," Mr. Weinstein said in a statement distributed worldwide.
    –30–

    • Bonadae

      Thank god. Seeing troll-creature Lisa Murkowski listed as a Beautiful People was beyond parody.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Just placing "Washington DC" and "sexy" into the same sentence has caused my junk to retract into my body. Thanks, Kirsten. Wasn't planning on using it anyway.

  • franco_pinyon

    I wish the "50 Most Beautiful People of 1776" list was still around.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      That's otherwise known as "Ben Franklin's Ye Olde Private Address Book"

      • horsedreamer_1

        Little Known Fact: Ben Franklin also invented the Rolodex.

        • MissTaken

          Necessity is the mother of invention. And if anyone ever needed a rolodex to keep track of his ladies, it was Ben.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Powdered wigs were hawt!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Particularly since folks back then had such gleaming white teeth. And fresh minty breath.

      • Arken

        Hey, George Washington made a point to keep his teeth clean and polished… after taking them out before going to bed.

    • MissTaken

      Hello John Adams….yummy!

    • Negropolis

      I know what you mean. I mean, it just isn't the same without some tasteful ankle-shots of Betsy Ross.

  • LiveToServeYa

    I read that as EVERYBODY STRAP ON.

    • Tommmcatt

      It didn't say that? I thought that was the whole point.

  • genxr

    These people are negotiating the debt ceiling right now. We are doomed.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      My fave quote: "Another new goal: daily flossing."

      Good Lord, pity us!

      • genxr

        And that is how you become one of the 50 sexiest in DC, my friends. You dare to dream.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Thanks for that, Cap'n Buzzkill Sammy Haggar.

  • poncho_pilot

    all the men look like grocery store managers.

    • crybabyboehner

      true, but at least they are part of the management team!

    • tessiee

      And would be underqualified for that.

  • fuflans

    in related news:

    The U.S. government can continue to fund embryonic stem cell research, a U.S. district judge ruled Tuesday morning.

    .

  • NorthStarSpanx

    ‘When I first started,’ Lilley says, ‘I was just blown away that people in their 20s are allowed to make these decisions. We probably don’t have any business making these decisions.’”

    I think I'd rather have these cockeyed optimist 20-somethings (I was once one of those) making these decisions over an GOP or Tea Party member anyway. Talk about phoning it in, the bosses would approve our schlock over the phone from the golf resorts. . .

    • Fare la Volpe

      I dunno, have you ever met some 20-year-old Republicans? Never a more vindictive, heartless bunch. These are the types whose daddies bought them their degree, but who still attack the lower-class black students for getting in "unfairly."

    • Tundra Grifter

      Lilley, when the Bush idiots invaded Iraq, those twenty-somethings with no more experience than one gets flipping burgers or sacking groceries were running a country. And we saw how well that worked out!

      • PristineODummy

        Thanks for that timely reminder. I remember greeting with a giant WTF? the news that the University of Mosul's Agriculture program was partnered with the U of Hawai'i. Two more disparate environments can hardly be imagined.

  • Arken

    I'm all for making fun of the people on the list. For example, is it just me or are her breasts on the wrong part of her chest? http://thehill.com/capital-living/173451-50-most-

    • OneDollarJuana

      Careless tranny…

      • DashboardBuddha

        That would make a great name for a band.

    • prommie

      Thats the least of her problems. There is the hair, the face, the makeup, the clothing, the roots, the strange, crazed narcissism she oozes, the self-loving geeky strangeness of her, its off-putting in so many ways. In 20 years she will live alone in an apartment with 47 cats and she will hoard used chewing gum.

    • genxr

      Swing low sweet chariots.

      • horsedreamer_1

        That's the melody from the DC Metro's open door/close door cycle.

        • genxr

          It warns her not to get caught dragging those tits across the floor and into the car. Mind the gap.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Akren: That's one sack of potatoes, eh? I don't know now you got past the first photo – that's a joke, right? This is from The Onion and Wonkette fell for it?

      Right?

      Please tell me I'm right.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Frances Agosto
    My heart's devotion
    Let me sink back in your ocean
    Always the blowing
    Never the copulation growing

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Isn't being named one of the 50 sexiest people in DC sort of like being named one of the 50 people in Mississippi with the most teeth?

    Sure, it's an honor, but the competition is slim.

    • El Pinche

      Nice!

    • Preferred Customer

      That's about the only thing that's slim in Mississippi.

    • Radiotherapy®

      Poor dentition is definitely not sexy.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        You, obviously, have never had a prison blow job.

    • PristineODummy

      I think you could have omitted "the most" and still won Teh InterNets for the day.

    • NYNYNYjr

      Toothy Slim's been at the top of that list for nigh 6 years. Maybe sombody should go over to his shack and knock some o them grinnin ivories out of his pie snatch before countin time this year.

    • Negropolis

      Kentucky is actually the state with the most missing teeth, though, they seem to trade places with West Virginia regularly.

      Mississippi is the state with the most (or the least) everything else.

  • Fare la Volpe

    It was so easy to guess who was a Republican on this list. All I had to do was look for the cold, dead-eyed vulture stare and semen-slicked hair coif.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Age: 26
    Hometown: Gaffney, S.C.
    Political party: Nonpartisan
    Relationship status: Single

    Jenna Gibson is a formidable force when she takes to the football field.

    As a student at Clemson University, this Fox News producer played quarterback in her co-ed league, even leading her team to the semifinals one year.

    They described her as non-partisan and a Fox News producer. Heehee.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Quarterback? I would have guessed tight end.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Check out one Tim Torres

    "“For two and a half years, I didn’t have the traditional job,” he said. “And then I missed the structure, the health insurance; so I got back into it.”

    Nice to be able to dip back and forth into the job market like that, asshole. There about 14 million people who are really missing having a job, who won't be getting one anythime soon b/c your scumbag bosses.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I bet he wants to get rid of Obamacare and Medicare, too.

  • BarackMyWorld

    50 Most Beautiful Average Looking People in a Town Full of Fugly Bastards for 2011

    Fixed.

  • Arken

    He's storing walnuts in his cheeks for winter! http://thehill.com/capital-living/173451-50-most-

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      During the interview, his teacup Yorkshire Terrier puppy, Sebastian, yipped for attention behind a plastic gate that kept him confined to one corner of the congressman’s office.

      “No barking,” he said futilely. “You’re in jail.”

      This guy, a Republican, is setting up to be the next Mark Foley, imho. That and the person in DC most likely to say "what would it take to put you in that Dodge Durango right now?"

      • Tommmcatt

        During the interview, his teacup Yorkshire Terrier puppy, Sebastian, yipped for attention behind a plastic gate that kept him confined to one corner of the congressman’s office.

        “No barking,” he said futilely. “You’re in jail.”

        …and then he put on a pair of pedal pushers and a cravat and left for his floral design class.

        • PristineODummy

          Teacup pups are not really what one would expect a Marine gym rat on steroids to identify with.

    • widestanceroman

      And mine for $20.

    • genxr

      41 and single, ladies. Form a line here.

    • DashboardBuddha

      teacup Yorkshire Terrier puppy, Sebastian,

      Seriously?

      • horsedreamer_1

        He just loves Skid Row that much.

        41, & he's… STILL A YOUTH GONE WILD!

        • PristineODummy

          Hey, the Pubies are always yawping about Cantor being one of their "Young Guns." At FIFTY! That's just creepy.

    • PristineODummy

      Sweet Jesus, what is it with Republicans and their fucking FAS babies? Check out the piggy little too-close-set eyes. Fuck me blind if he doesn't look like Scott Wanker and a dozen other Pubies.

      • tessiee

        God's revenge on them for *being* such pigs is making them *look* like pigs.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Whose job is it at The Hill to creep around public spaces leering at government staffers before approaching them with an offer to appear in some dubious Internet pictorial? Just think how hawt the 50 who slapped him and called the police must have been!

    • prommie

      It must have been hard to coax them all out of their closets for the photo shoots, too.

  • phlox✔

    All the pretty boys are Republicans (on the DL), of course.

    Is there a prize for clicking all 50 pages? There ought to be a prize.

    • elviouslyqueer

      All the pretty boys are Republicans (on the DL), of course.

      On the DL? The hell you say!

      • MissTaken

        "Another new goal: daily flossing. His dentist gave him a study showing that flossing every day strengthens the immune system."

        This is code for giving blow jobs, right?

      • Tommmcatt

        Wow, the softer side of gayface.

        I'd hit that.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Methinks you'd have to push Peter Roskam out of the way first. With a crowbar.

      • PristineODummy

        When you're in your 20s and THAT twinky, you totally don't need to scream GAY! with your statements to the press: “I really like clothes,” Thompson said. “Dress for the job you want, that’s what everyone says.”

        This is the guy who lists as one of his life goals "Daily flossing."

        Sweet Mother of deity, just kill me now.

  • Preferred Customer

    This Republican staffer coordinates the "Where My Pitches At" softball team for two Ohio Republicans. And lists her relationship status as "Mingling–not single, not in a relationship."

    There are neither faces nor palms sufficient for this.
    http://thehill.com/capital-living/173451-50-most-

    • horsedreamer_1

      Wonder if she's on birth control. Which is abortion, to some people.

    • Tundra Grifter

      I'll bet she is a very popular mingler.

    • MissTaken

      I'm Single, Let's Mingle!

    • AJWjr.

      I didn't need to read any further down the page past their political affiliation…

    • PristineODummy

      I note that this piece was written by one Christopher Groins.

    • crybabyboehner

      This young lady is pursuing her personal "passion" to find the best chicken wings in town. That's the kind of heart-warming story that sells newspapers!

  • DaRooster

    "And here is the out-of-context Jeb Bush quote about Marco Rubio: “He’s the only guy I know on the scene today who can make grown men cry.”"

    Fewer teeth Rubio!

  • DahBoner

    "Trapped On Capitol Hill This Summer!"

    Don't tax me, Bro!

  • poncho_pilot

    2, 36, maybe 43. and i wouldn't fuck Murkowski with Joe Miller's dick.

    • PristineODummy

      Well, you're in luck. He doesn't have one.

      • poncho_pilot

        fuck…i wasn't prepared for this contingency. my second place choice was Chris Christie but it is not verifiable whether he has a dick, either. Christie hasn't seen it in years.

        • PristineODummy

          Neither has anyone else, supposedly.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom has introduced kale and brown rice into his diet, a symbol of the horrified panic he experienced when he stepped on the scale three weeks ago. Also Kortney's zucchini.

    • PristineODummy

      Kortney's love for vegetables does strange things to me too, Doktor.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Worst. DC Craiglist. M4M. Posting. EVER.

  • Arken

    She's so patriotic that her nose is a bald eagle's beak. http://thehill.com/capital-living/173451-50-most-

    • prommie

      Lucky for her she has the beak, that way people don't notice the horror of her eyes. Reminds me of a tit-less Katherine Harris.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Samantha the Eagle

    • PristineODummy

      Sweet Christ, that woman is a trifecta of horror. The beak, the eyes, and that creepy, creepy smile.

      • poncho_pilot

        she only uses Joker Brand Products!

        • PristineODummy

          Now that you mention it, I do perceive the resemblance.

    • tessiee

      She looks like something that would eat her young.

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    Ugh. Usually they toss a bone to the blue-collars by including a Capitol Police officer or other Capitol worker who doesn't wear a tie or stilettos. Now they're not even pretending to pay lip service.

  • Arken
    • genxr

      Her relationship status says she is a boyfriend.

      • PristineODummy

        I can see why. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be hers.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Macy Sukut possesses that simple, homegrown beauty skunkweed that could only come from the wide-open spaces of the West.

      And really…Sukut? Man, she must have had an AWESOME time in school.

    • tessiee

      Snooki has a better rack.

  • DemonicRage

    Thank you for posting this. Before, people outside of Washington were thinking, "What's with Washington? Why is it torturing us with the threat of economic doom?" But now we know that so many of the people in Congress are BEAUTIFUL. This changes EVERYTHING!!!"

  • SorosBot

    An extinct elephant is a good symbol for the post-teabagging GOP.

    • flamingpdog

      DAMN, you beat me by a minute!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I recognize a couple of them chicks, they live right up the road from me. At least, that's what the web ads on the youporn tells me.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Wait. We don't get treated to the usual insightful Hill comments on this little puff-piece? And I was so looking forward to seeing the delightful witticism "Die you fucking piece of shit Democrat faggot" in response to this guy. Or, failing that, "Michelle Obama and her fat ass didn't get the nod. They must not have been able to find the wide-angle lens HUR HUR HUR."

    • PristineODummy

      Indeedy. I'm used to being yelled at occasionally by some of the local troglodytes who think it's HUR HUR HUR funny to drive in to da sitty from whatever shitty little piece of outdoor cowcrapcollectionz they live on to woo-woo at the natives on, say, Gay Pride day, but the Hill managed to surprise even me.

  • SayItWithWookies

    This is some ploy by HuffingtonPost to make that article about Jesse James and some tattooed stripper breaking up seem interesting, isn't it?

  • Poindexter718

    There are some serious hatchet faces on this list and Sen. Mikulski wuz fekkin' robbed again this year!
    I did, however, enjoy this bit of candor from one of the young GOP hotties: "When Danielle Beck is on edge, she bakes."
    Libertarianism was one fo the few redeeming qualities in the GOP and it has been in short supply of late, but this young woman is taking some serious career risk telling a magazine she regularly uses dope.

    • Arken

      Yeah, how the hell did this guy make the list? http://thehill.com/capital-living/173451-50-most-

      • Poindexter718

        Affirmative action: an editor said they needed a gay Republican and a Native American and Rick Perry couldn't prove his heritage.

  • genxr

    This explains a lot about Washington gridlock.

  • Tundra Grifter

    After going through those photos, I wouldn't want to be told by The Hill "Sorry – you were number 51."

    • PristineODummy

      Judging from the photos they put up at the site, the Hill is much more likely to be telling people that they're Number Two.

  • powersuit

    Why did I waste my time reading about all these smug people? The marco rubio entry is the worst; claiming he proved how deep is his love of football (he he) by marrying a Miami Dolphins cheerleader. Yeah, sure, of course he was attracted by her "football skills".

  • DashboardBuddha

    I'm going through the list. This won't be pretty

    Tim Torres:
    “For two and a half years, I didn’t have the traditional job,” he said. “And then I missed the structure, the health insurance; so I got back into it.”

    Fuuuuck you! I have a traditional job. I got the structure, but I got fuck all for health insurance you self-satisfied fuck.

    Jenna Gibson: Fox News producer…"non-partisan"? Bullshit.

    Kinzinger: "Call him the Tom Cruise of Congress " Does this mean he's secretly gay?

    Ok…I can't go on. What a bunch of preening bullshit.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I'm just glad that they did include a FEW Democrats, otherwise they wouldn't have had more than one non-white person on the list.

  • Weenus299

    It's not that I want to fuck any one of them. It's that they're constantly fucking me …

  • MissTaken

    “One time I put deodorant in my hair instead of the hair product,” he said. “So if you get hair gel that looks like deodorant, make sure that you know what you’re using when you put it in your hair in the morning.”

    39 understands the hardships of the working class.

    • Preferred Customer

      I don't want to pre-judge, but there is approximately a zero percent chance that guy is straight.

      • elviouslyqueer

        You got that right. Also, the only reason why you can't see the stretch marks around his mouth is because he uses some damn good concealer.

        • PristineODummy

          He's a size queen too?

    • Cicada

      Oops, I totally missed this and posted something similar. It's hilarious that the writer had to go after personal grooming as that guy's color. Wallpaper is more interesting.

  • Fare la Volpe

    http://thehill.com/capital-living/173451-50-most-

    I swear I saw this little twink giving toilet stall BJs down on C street.

    • DashboardBuddha

      The Gaydar just went into the red.

    • Arken

      “I really like clothes,” Thompson said. “Dress for the job you want, that’s what everyone says.”

      • anniegetyerfun

        "Another new goal: daily flossing. His dentist gave him a study showing that flossing every day strengthens the immune system."

        Flossing with dick, yeah. Not that there's anything wrong with it – it's why my smile is so bright and white!

        • PristineODummy

          With pubes, hon. If you can floss with the dick, it ain't worth sucking.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Doesn't work as well as a gay joke.

    • thefrontpage

      The dude who wrote this piece is named Ramsey Cox. Really.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

    Needz moar buttsechs.

  • widestanceroman

    Which thing could make this even better: total rewrite by Michael K or dramatic reading by____?

    • AJWjr.

      Tim Gunn!

    • tessiee

      "dramatic reading by____? "

      William Shatner?

  • L188188

    What a bunch of dipshits. I love it when they pose… do you think they really don't know how stupid they look?

  • El Pinche

    Where's Haley Barbour? He's sexxy in a bestial hippo way.

    • PristineODummy

      I know I'm going to regret asking, but is there actually bestial hippo porn?

      • El Pinche

        Uhh , i was just kidding…ahem.

        • PristineODummy

          Oh, sure, that's what you say *now.*

  • BlueStateLibel

    But do any of them play the fiddle or violin? We need some nice music while Rome burns down.

  • MissTaken

    Now I don't live anywhere near DC so I have to ask, you all have access to porn, right? This cannot possibly be what you are forced to masturbate to.

    • Cicada

      Don't worry, there's plenty of porn in D.C. We have the internet, after all.

      There are plenty of attractive people in D.C. too, they just don't get featured in self-referential wankfests by The Hill. 50 hottest D.C. bartenders would be my vote for better eye candy, but maybe that's just the bourbon goggles talking.

  • anniegetyerfun

    The former Marine may be able to execute a floor-rattling clean-and-jerk, but Grimm has yet to master the art of dog training. During the interview, his teacup Yorkshire Terrier puppy, Sebastian, yipped for attention behind a plastic gate that kept him confined to one corner of the congressman’s office.

    Well, there was nothing gay about that description AT ALL.

    • Negropolis

      They said "clean-and-jerk" **snickers** But, aren't you supposed to jerk before you clean?

  • Cicada

    Dean Thompson, Republican staffer from Illinois, shared these tidbits:

    “I have scratched in Sharpie in my mirror, ‘floss everyday,’ ” Thompson said.

    To get his well-styled hair, Thompson uses Goldwell wax, which comes in a tube dangerously similar to a stick of deodorant.

    “One time I put deodorant in my hair instead of the hair product,” he said. “So if you get hair gel that looks like deodorant, make sure that you know what you’re using when you put it in your hair in the morning.”

    Pro tip: If someone interviews you, don't let it slip that you've smeared deodorant all over your head and have to write notes to yourself so you won't forget basic hygiene. You might give people the right impression.

    • tessiee

      "“One time I put deodorant in my hair instead of the hair product,” he said."

      Is anyone besides me having a "There's something about Mary" flashback?

  • DashboardBuddha

    Speaking of sex – OT.

    Last night I had a dream where I was asking my sweetie if she wanted to get together for some "sexytime".

    You bastards have slipped into my dreams!

    • AJWjr.

      Oh, it gets worse.

  • http://drtomatoipresume.wordpress.com/ tymberwolf817

    Sooo . . . "fair and balanced" also means skewing erratically in favor of reasonably attractive Republicans in including only a few token attractive Democrats in birdcage lining puff pieces. Got it. Seriously though — meh, meh and more meh. If you want seriously good looking people you gotta go outside the halls a little bit to people who don't immediately get an audience. Say what you will about them, but environmental activists are seriously hawt. And, contrary to stereotype, they drink and are LOTS of fun.

  • AJWjr.

    fap!clickfap!clickFAP! oh fuck it…

  • __kth__

    Surprising how many were, for their age, below average in looks.

  • zappadoo76

    In the pecking order of Most Beautiful People, dewds are mixed in with chicks. WTF? Are they judged by the same criteria? What would those be? Gives good head? Lies with a straight face? Obeys its master/mistress?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Chicken and fish are a symbol of consistency to some nutjob. I always thought they were a symbol of chicken and fish.

    • PristineODummy

      Well, there is that whole "fish=Xtian symbol" thingumajig. And then there's "chicken colonels." So maybe he just wants his life to have the consistency of Christian colonels.

  • GregComlish

    Most of these women aren't even ass-fuckable, and I doubt they ever were.

  • rocktonsam

    moar boring than debt ceiling thingy

  • neiltheblaze

    So napalm *does* have a useful purpose.

  • Whatever

    Kinda like winning the little dick competition. Yeah, you win but…

  • PrimlyStable

    Reading the biographies of these people makes me think it's time high time the British burned Washington the ground again.

  • ttommyunger

    No way I'm wading through that gaggle of turdlets. Proving once again that Washington is Hollywood for ugly people.

  • NYNYNYjr

    Kirsten, I'd like DM you. I mean IM.

    ( I mean "poop on"…I forgot the acronym, sorry)

  • NYNYNYjr

    Ooh- number 8- the young Mary McDonald. I've been watching that Galactica show for the first time.

  • lulzmonger

    I found this post impossible to masturbate to.

    SAME SPECIES OR GTFO.

  • crybabyboehner

    You know who is really proud right now? The mommies and daddies of the "journalists" who wrote this crap!

  • Negropolis

    “I love Malcolm Gladwell. I would marry him if he was available,” Johnson said.

    Miss Republican Nashville Grace Johnson, y'all. Has she actually read any of his books?

    BTW, Marco Rubio looks like some kind of bootleg Batman's Joker about the mouth. It's very odd, very unsettling, and when you put it up against his personality, it's downright creepy.

  • Negropolis

    Something about Kristi Noem rubs me the wrong way, but, I'd not discourage her an opportunity to try to rub me the right way, if you know what I mean.

    BTW, I'm in love with Lucky Lady #9 Carla Coley who answers when asked her political affiliation: "Not a Republican." That is a wicked, wicked response, right there. Plus, she's from the Birmingham in England and not the crusty, super-violent one in Alabama.