give them back their thumbs

Hero Creationists Fight Evolution With Vandalism To Biology Teachers’ Cars

this is what 2145 looks like.Dinosaur Wars 2011 brings you this update from Gainesville, Florida, where creationist wingnuts are attacking the vehicles of University of Florida biology professors with religious pamphlets and rusty nails, because that’s how you formulate an argument if you’re an idiot. Or… we don’t know, maybe it’s secretly clever, because these individual specimens are among the best evidence to support the theory that even if evolution once existed among humans, probably now it has just given up. Which still means evolution loses, therefore wingnut victory. Has the strategy finally become a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Eh, we’ll go with no, that is too much credit. They mostly sound annoying.

From the Independent Florida Alligator:

In a string of events occurring over the past four months, the professors’ cars, which were parked in the Bartram-Carr Hall parking lot, were vandalized.

First, religious letters were left on the cars, and then pro-evolution bumper stickers and Darwin-fish emblems were scraped and torn from the vehicles. Most recently, nails were put into the tires.

One of the victims, Brian McNab, said he noticed a problem with his white Volkswagen when air continued to come out of the tires even after he had re-inflated them.

McNab took the car in for an inspection, and two two-inch nails were found and determined as the cause of the flat tires.

“I can’t prove who did it and I don’t want to jump to any conclusions,” McNab said. “But I think it’s obvious that it’s someone who has a strong opposition to evolution.”

This is one of the real reasons, by the way, that the jobs crisis is so tragic. America’s unemployed nimrods have nothing better to do than furiously scrape bumper stickers off the backs of cars in the middle of the Florida summer heat, for Christ’s sake. [Independent Florida Alligator]

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  1. Crank_Tango

    Ironic that people who get all worked up thinking that evolution means we're descended from apes then go out and act like animals. OK, animals don't act this badly except my cats once in a while pee on my stuff to teach me a lesson about obvious.

    Anyway, might as well go full monkey and start flinging poo!

    1. Bezoar

      When I asked a colleague who performed research with monkeys if they ever flung poo at him, he looked somewhat thoughtful and said "No….. but they should."

  2. JackObin

    There's an easy way to settle this. How about this God person appears on the Glenn Beck droolcast next Thursday and puts all questions of his existence to rest. Even I will tune in. The ball is in your court, Yawheh.

    1. Warpde

      Apparently God is all booked up until the Armageddon.
      But he said he will still unleash his Holy bumper scraper, rusty nail minions upon those damn evil-lutionists.
      Oh yeah.
      He wants to sincerely apologize for giving you Beck.
      He said, and I quote, " Hey, even I can fuck up once in awhile".

    1. Negropolis

      The dubiously named Dove World Outreach whose pastor is more often in my home state of Michigan, these days, than tending to his own scooter-bound flock?

  3. mirrorballdc

    I've read that Jesus used to do this sort of thing all the time — pour sugar in the gas tank, put a banana in the tailpipe. Write "heretic" in pig's blood on the windshield.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I have a faint recollection about Jesus and nails but I can't quite remember what it was.

  4. LetUsBray

    Of course, if Mooslims were doing this stuff we'd be screaming about terrorism. But since they're not, it's just scampy hi-jinks.

  5. user-of-owls

    “I can’t prove who did it and I don’t want to jump to any conclusions,” McNab said. “But I think it’s obvious that it’s someone who has a strong opposition to evolution.”

    -Lacks coherent research question; no testable hypotheses; very poor research design/data analysis; virtually non-existent literature review. D+

    1. Radiotherapy®

      I oppose evolution too. You fucking fossil. Can't we go back to the 50's? Ozzy and Harriet (whatever that is) and white people and "duck and cover" and Ike — oh wait, skip the Ike part. But you know what I mean, when America was great and there was no talk of evolution = satan worship.

      1. KenLayIsAlive

        Man, I think they actually were doing evolution by the 20's. Remember, the fifties was the time when Ike was a secret Communist, brave Joe McCarthy was being oppressed, and those tricky unions were spreading Marxism by faking America's economic prosperity.

  6. Paddy_McStagger

    How dare these libral e-leatests teach biology in a University biology course! They must be stopped with fierce and unrelenting attacks on their motorized conveyances.

    1. user-of-owls

      "Independent" my ass…I'll bet they get funding out of the pockets of the poor, upper-class fraternity members…you know, the puke-creators!

        1. horsedreamer_1

          They better not ever play a Columbus Blue Jackets pre-game/post-game. Hockey Mothersbaugh would be a blood libel against the Duh'vnor's usurpation of the title "hockey mom". (Did Track even play hockey?)

  7. Barrelhse

    "A strong opposition to evolution.."
    It's a hereditary trait with those folks; the resistance to evolution has been in the family for hundreds of thousands of years.

    1. riverside68

      I think it is getting stronger with every generation

      There must be some kind of selection going on

  8. Tundra Grifter

    After hearing a racist remark, Alexandre Dumas replied "Yes, of course, my father was a mulatto, my grandfather was a Negro, and my great-grandfather was an ape. You see, sir, my family began where yours left off."

    That's the way I feel about these knuckle-dragging anti-science reactionaries. I do believe human beings and monkeys share a common ancestor. And I believe my family began where theirs left off.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Them was the days. During a debate in the British Parliment (perhaps this is 17th century snark) one of the members said "Sir, I don't know if you will die on the gallows or of the pox."

        "That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

        Old School rocks!

    1. HarryButtle

      Wonderful. How long do you suppose yer average Teatard would be dumbfounded by such a comment? By the time he figured out he ought to use his Second Amendment remedy on you, you'd be long gone.

    2. emmelemm

      Wait, what?

      OK, first, my 19th century French literature biographical knowledge is incredibly scant, but Alexandre Dumas had a drop or two of Negro in him? Good for him. Also, what an excellent quote. I skewer you on my sword of words! En garde!

  9. WinterOuthouse

    McNab has fingered the wrong population. The cops need to nab all the muzlins. The muzzies did it. The muzzies did it. The muzzies did it.

    1. flamingpdog

      Sadly, it could be the muslins. They are just as susceptible to the "intelligent design" thingie as the Chisttards.

  10. user-of-owls

    even if evolution once existed among humans, probably now it has just given up.

    Are you…are you saying that evolution is SARAH PALIN!?!?

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Mother Nature is grifting full time and Bristol Nature got knocked up by a hockey-gollum. No time for this evolving shit any more.

  11. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Why stop with biology professors? Time for these people to step the fuck up and go "full teabag" and start leafleting economics professors with insane tea-math screeds, history professors with drooling treatises on an imagined history where the founding fathers wanted a country based entirely on republican jebus and tax cuts, and, hey, fuck it, lets key some math professors' cars because numbers make heads hurt badderer.

    1. user-of-owls

      lets key some math professors' cars because numbers make heads hurt badderer.

      Systematic alcohol poisoning doesn't kill GPAs, numbers kill GPAs.

          1. Fukui_sanYesOta

            Pen/fountain pen, it's from basic high-school French. Same word for feather, think quill. I figured since I was throwing latin in there I might as well bung in some nonsensical frog at the same time!

  12. widget2011

    McNab took the car in for an inspection, and two two-inch nails were found and determined as the cause of the flat tires.

    Shit, those aren't even long enough to hold Jeebus to his dumb ass cross, next time use 9" nails, moran!

        1. the_problem_child

          And that brings us full circle to Ministry and the Butthole Surfers, and the fucking jebus freaks. (I'm burning inside.)

  13. voodooeconomics

    We in Florida are against the lizard-to-human connection. We much prefer the Magic Wand wave by a floating Vapor Man in a cloud theory.

  14. GuanoFaucet

    The creotards would have burned the biology professors' cars, but they have yet to discover fire.

  15. riverside68

    Well it's not like they can win an argument fer christ's sake, or even understand it.

    And they know they are right.

    What is left but Direct Action!

    Go Gators Go, and take the Gusanos with you!

  16. Callyson

    Most recently, nails were put into the tires.
    Wonder if they were the same size as the nails used to put Jesus on the cross. Christ, I'll bet these people don't even see the irony…

  17. ghblowhard

    actually I'd rather be descendent from apes/monkeys than humans like oh say GLEN BECK or the intolerant morons they are writing about in this article.

  18. SorosBot

    That's not very Christian of them! Wait a second; it's ignorant, violent and shows opposition to the very ideals of knowledge and thought; that's actually perfectly Christian.

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      "Christian" in the modern sense of doing exact opposite of what the biblical Jesus would have done.

      1. HobbesEvilTwin

        which is pretty much what Christians have always done.

        "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."
        M. Gandhi

    1. BlueMonkeh

      My youngest kid used to make his spaghetti fly monstrously. Even did it at a church dinner once.

      Definitely a harbinger or omen or something of things to come.

    2. Oblios_Cap

      That won't happen. There is no petty in spaghetti; just the lving caresses of noodle-y appendages.

      1. genxr

        The student looked at the sprinkle cheese, put down his plate, and was enlightened.

        In the name of the noodle, the sauce, and the spicy meatball, amen.

  19. MissusBarry

    Well, those Hoverounds don't actually hover. Just sayin'. Oh, wait, we're the one's who fight fair or don't fight at all. Nevermind. I totally have the depression today. Next week I'll have The Depression, of course.

  20. BlueStateLibel

    Come to think of it, teatards themselves are like walking evidence against evolution, as each generation seems to get just dumber and fatter.

    1. Mahousu

      Nothing about evolution implies progress, rather just better fitting into available ecological niches. Here, it seems those niches are a little lower (intellectually) and a little wider (physically) than in the past.

      1. SorosBot

        Exactly; evolution adapts species to survive and reproduce, not to get better as many mistakenly believe. So just imagine if a species developed several simple ways to prevent pregnancy, letting individuals only reproduce when and how often they wish, except for complete and total morons who can't figure these simple methods out…

    2. not that Dewey

      Thermodynamics demands that we all eventually become spheres, to conserve heat. And brains are not too efficient, anyway.

  21. Cicada

    They can put nails in tires and try to force us to teach creationism, but at the end of the day SCIENCE WORKS, BITCHES.* Stick that in your god delusion and smoke it.

    *ht to xkcd.

    1. widget2011

      Apparently, the equation PV=nRT hasn't occured to them yet. Perhaps the professors should consider filling their tires with silicone, the cro-magnons may think god has turned against them.

  22. WhatTheHeck

    And why didn't their god send plagues of locusts upon those professors. Why god, why did you have to use idiots to do your dirty work?

    1. Cicada

      Smiting is so Old Testament. God's all about the petty vandalism and helping people win Grammys these days.

    2. WinterOuthouse

      In fundie speak: God uses the heathen to teach the righteous a lesson, so they can be better righteous pompous asses.

    3. user-of-owls

      Well, if you broaden your definition of "plagues of locusts" to include Limbaughtomized fraternity/sorority car-dealership babies, then we professors here in my part of the South have done been visited and visited good by said plagues.

  23. bflrtsplk

    These people are trying dispel the theory of evolution by refusing to evolve. By the way, I am now being followed by Spanky2C, so I guess it's multiplying.

    1. Crank_Tango

      then you won't be, then you will be again, then you won't be again, then you will be again, and so on, etc. etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad hominem, add something else latin if you can think of it.

  24. Indiepalin

    A feeble, transparent attempt by the Neo-Darwin left to frame the entire State of Kentucky.

  25. Jerri

    I'm surprised they could lift their knuckles off the pavement long enough to perform any of these vandalisms, let alone the ones that imply they have discovered tools and how to properly use them.

  26. Doktor Zoom

    The Librarian of Unseen University had the right idea.

    2-4-6-8, we all want to brachiate!

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Upfist for brachiating locomotion!! I'd rather go drinking with a Siamang than a teabagger.

  27. Goonemeritus

    I’ll say it again your Christians in the South are a whole other breed. Not that we don’t have Fundamentalist in the North East we do but not like that. We need to give some thought to carving out a home land for these guys. I personally vote for many of the original Confederate states. They can dub it Teabagostan or the real America or whatever the fuck they want. Then we need to build the damn fence!

  28. DashboardBuddha

    This just proves that the only thing between immature hi-jinks and terrorism is brown skin and an AK-47

  29. Chillwaver

    Biology professors drive old shitty Volvo wagons and Saabs anyway. You'd think they would be able to afford better cars with their high-paying librul eleet jobs…

  30. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Come on. Have you all not learned anything from the last few days of Conservative thought. Clearly, violence only comes from the left. The right never uses violence. So, we can clearly deduce that the person or persons damaging the cars are pro-evolution Muslims Marxist. Clearly, if they were anti-evolution, they would have shot some evolution, or something like that.

    Really, it makes sense if you write it on a chalk board, at NRO, or Atlas Shrugged.

    1. flamingpdog

      Lionel, I suspect anything you wrote at NRO or Atlas Shrugged would make sense in comparison to the standard postings there.

  31. KenLayIsAlive

    Looks like the downfister has moved on.

    Perhaps we should suffer his virtual vandalism so some science teachers don't have to suffer his physical vandalism?

    Nah, fuck you eggheads! You deal with him for a while.

  32. AJWjr.

    The way I see it, since the kock brothers already bought the economics department, they threw in the science department free gratis.

      1. flamingpdog

        Mebbe this is why the weasels and the primates (OK, as a pdog, I must say the rodents, too) won out. Also.

        "Weasling out of work is important to learn; it is what separates humans from animals. Except for weasels." – Homer Simpson.

        1. Fukui_sanYesOta

          Mustelids seem strangely misunderstood and conflicted. You weasel out of work, but you ferret out something. You fuck like a mink, but you badger someone. It's all so inconsistent!

  33. __kth__

    The rusty nails in the tire are symbolic: every time you claim that the universe is more than 6000 years old, you crucify Jesus all over again.

    1. AJWjr.

      Even at the height of my drinking career, I couldn't stomach a rusty nail. Too Scotchie.

  34. MinAgain

    "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" opens in movie theaters this weekend. Coincidence? I think not.

    1. flamingpdog

      The way things are going these days, it's probably time to scrap the Statue of Liberty, too.

  35. Arken

    I used to have a bumper sticker that had a Darwin fish and said, "you keep believing, we'll keep evolving." Someone tried to rip it off but only got the whitespace, which I felt proved my point.

  36. Weenus299

    "Him no teach right. Him teach kids do things different way. Him need lesson teached him. Thag, go get keys to Trail Blazer, use to scrape name in car."

  37. SoBeach

    Yee haw. We'll teach them librul "science" types what's what. Ain't no one ken argue with the scientifmic logicalism of a nail in a tire.

    Man I miss Brother Jed a-preachin' in the Plaza of the Americas.

  38. OneYieldRegular

    This is going to go down badly when everyone finds out that Sasquatch is responsible.

  39. Papa_Uniform

    Yep, that God created everything in seven days idea is such a good one, we can't stand anyone having any other thoughts on the subject.

  40. SoBeach

    Yee haw. We'll teach them librul "science" types what's what. Ain't no one ken argue with the scientifmic logicalism of a nail in a tire.

  41. SpurningBeer

    What you non-Sunshine-Staters probably don't realize is that UF is the apex of the public higher education system here. Valedictorians from in-state high schools often don't get in, because the student body is only 50,000, and a lot of slots are reserved for athletes and band members.

    Gainesville is Florida's Oxbridge.

    So just consider: if the pinnacle of Florida academia breeds biology-hating vandals like these goons, imagine what sort of life forms are matriculating at the other universities, colleges, and community colleges — let alone the bible colleges — down here.

    1. SoBeach

      "So just consider: if the pinnacle of Florida academia breeds biology-hating vandals like these goons, imagine what sort of life forms are matriculating at the other universities, colleges, and community colleges — let alone the bible colleges — down here. "

      Well, yeah, but I've got $10 that says the dissenting scientists weren't UF students. Travel five miles from campus and you're in a whole 'nother time and place. How hard is it to get from Micanopy to Gainesville on a moped with a hammer, nails, and an incontrovertible argument against the Theory of Evolution?

    2. Negropolis

      You think it's UF students doing this? I don't.

      BTW, 50,000 enrollment is a HUGE university in this country, easily in the Top 10, probably the Top 5. It's not an "only" kind of number.

      EDIT: Just looked up this last year's enrollment, and it has UofF as the sixth largest single campus enrollment in the nation.

      1. SpurningBeer

        1. Sad to say, I do think it's actual Gators vandalizing biologists. It's just team sports down here. Gainesville is a college town, but it's still Koran-burning territory.

        2. I was being sarcastic about the enrollment. Apparently I just came off as dumb.

        Why hasn't Hurricane Ali chimed in about this? Isn't she a Gainesvillian?

  42. Negropolis

    Evolution is beginning to sound a lot like Sarah Palin, quitting halfway through, and all…

  43. Steverino247

    The downfister known as Spanky2, Spanky2B and Spanky 2C is not gone. He just can't downfist us anymore. I've been getting the "He's following you" e-mails all day.

    Spanky, you're going to be disappointed in your search for best-tasting smegma, but keep at it.

  44. PrimlyStable

    "I think it’s obvious that it’s someone who has a strong opposition to evolution.”

    How can someone be opposed to evolution? It's like campaigning against gravity, or demanding an end to plate tectonics.

    1. user-of-owls

      That's deeply offensive to me! I have plates and they learned to speak English, not this ridiculous 'Tectonics' that urban liberal elitists are forcing down our throats!

    2. flamingpdog

      There is no gravity – the Earth sucks.

      (Old, but so am I, and I just had to say it.)

    3. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Well, what do you know? Plate tectonics denialism. I'm not sure why, it seems more crackpot than religiously-motivated, but shows that you can find nuts who believe any old nonsense.

      I think I'm going to start campaigning against the periodic table.

      1. flamingpdog

        Ohmidarwin, this clown is even dumber than the Intelligent Design folks! I'm saving this link for my geologist friends. Ohhhh, my brain, my brain …

  45. ManchuCandidate

    Ironic considering most of the shitty food these "creationists" eat and the drugs to treat the diseases caused by said food and lack of exercise comes from scientific principles derived from Evilushun.

    Just a bunch of delirious ill educated Numbnuts.

  46. user-of-owls

    Well, assuming you have access to an avid Anti-Pasteur sect nearby, I might suggest starting there.

  47. Neilist_Returns

    “I can’t prove who did it and I don’t want to jump to any conclusions,” McNab said, immediately before doing just that. “But I think it’s obvious that it’s someone who has a strong opposition to evolution.”

    "Obvious," in the sense that an admitted lack of evidence of causation is taken for proof?


    It's "obvious" (to me, at least) that what passes for scientific reasoning and logical thinking at the "University of Florida could use a little work . . . .

  48. pinkocommi

    It is evolution that has led to the demise of Wonkette's downfisters, as God — I mean Ken Layne — wills it. And amen to that.

    So long, Downfist Button. It was fun while it lasted.

  49. alzronnie

    Nails in the tires–did they figure out how to use a hammer or did they just bang them in with their slanted foreheads?

  50. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm sure the vandals are missing the irony that they are commiting these acts with the help of that evolutionary mega-hit, the opposable thumb.

  51. ttommyunger

    Strange, but I too, want to commit irrational destructive acts when confronted by Volvos and their owners. The difference is: I know I need help.

  52. Wilcoxyz

    Yeah, Florida is straight up medieval. The citizenry shoots doctors, harasses university professors, on account of all their knowledge, and they want to torpedo manatees for being against God and the natural order. But it is warm, so I'll probably move there.

  53. Nostrildamus

    “I can’t prove who did it and I don’t want to jump to any conclusions,” McNab said. “But I think it’s obvious that it’s someone who has a strong opposition to evolution is Muslin.”

  54. JimmyPete

    , Teabaggers disrupt picnicers, Bachman's guards push around journalist, Creationists vandalize,Oh it's only a matter of time , the Brownshirts are coming , the Brownshirts are coming

  55. tessiee

    When I was doing my time in the South, I knew better than to put any atheism, evolution, pro-choice, etc. bumper stickers on my car, because it was a foregone conclusion that the good Christians of the region would have slashed my tires, broken my windshield, scratched the F-word into the paint, etc. in an expression of Jebusly love, and working on the plantation didn't pay enough to get that kind of thing fixed.

    I guess it's fair, though, because when a car with a religious, anti-choice, right-wing, etc. bumper sticker parks in a blue neighborhood, it gets similarly vandalized.

    Oh, wait, no it doesn't.

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