conspiracy loves company

Allen West Hosts Poorly Catered Muslim Conspiracy Party

as you can see, step five is clearly ELECT OBAMAWhere would this country be without Allen West? Exploded to pieces by Muslim terrorists and feminist rage, that’s where! Every single day, Nazis and African-American prison inmates are playing ski-ball in their basements and casually discussing their plans for the Ground Zero Mosque while the rest of America sobs ignorantly over the nation’s economic demise, according to the “defense experts” of Citizens for National Security. Luckily for America, Allen West invited these nuts of the Boca Raton, Florida variety into the Capitol to present a lengthy PowerPoint on the grand conspiracy of the Muslim Brotherhood, among other things. And everyone in the group appears to have earned a Ph.D. in Insanity and Glenn Beck Flow Chart Creation, which are the only prerequisites for becoming official terrorism experts.

Allen West cares deeply about “homegrown jihad,” so he invited everyone to come hear what these Citizens for National Security had to say. They came very organized, with lists!

With assistance from line graphs and pie charts accentuated with bullets instead of arrows, the group painted the Muslim Brotherhood as behind a massive conspiracy with the long-term goal of absorbing America into an Islamic Caliphate. Not convinced? Well, the group helpfully compiled a list of nearly 6,000 people and 200 organizations it claims are in some way connected to the Muslim Brotherhood.

Oh, we get it! Bullets, because of Muslim terrorism. Colorful use of imagery is an essential part of Flow Chart-Makin’ 101. As if lists and flow charts were not enough proof of America’s impending doom, the Citizens for National Security’s meeting was briefly infiltrated by one of the conspirators.

As the audience feasted on beef, turkey and tuna sandwiches, group co-founder Peter Leitner walked through a long PowerPoint presentation that laid out a 49-year stealth Muslim Brotherhood plot to infiltrate the United States through a vast web of organizations, many of which have tenuous links at best to the actual Muslim Brotherhood.

One of Leitner’s slides was a Venn diagram that purported to show the various techniques that the Palestinian Muslim Brotherhood, the Pakistani Muslim Brotherhood and the Saudi & Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood allegedly use to carry out domestic attacks. The Palestinians, according to Leitner’s chart, preferred money laundering, fraud and political pressure, whereas the Saudis and Egyptians went the subversion, sedition and intimidation on college campuses route instead.

But it wasn’t just supporters of Leitner’s worldview that showed up to Citizens for National Security’s Capitol Hill briefing. Some of those in attendance were members of one of the very groups that Leitner said was part of a subversive plot to overthrow secular government.

Udit Thakur, 20, outreach representative for American University’s chapter of the Muslim Students Association, challenged Leitner’s premise. He joked that the MSA could actually use some fundraising help because the Saudi donations weren’t coming in. Thakur also pointed out that Daniel Pipes, a member of advisory board of Citizens for National Security, was cited 11 times in the manifesto written by the man with right-wing views who has confessed to the shootings in Norway.

This young terrorist would say something like that, because it is all part of the master plan! Just by hearing his words we are steps closer to the Muslim Brotherhood government takeover. Perhaps if Allen West had coughed up the cash for a better “feast” than turkey and tuna sandwiches, this threat would have been taken more seriously. [TPM]

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About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

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190 comments

          1. Barb

            I am not saying tuna comes from mermaids. The reference is because there was an old TV commercial about tuna and mermaids. "ask any mermaid you happen to see…."
            I've jumped the shark.

          2. PristineODummy

            Darn. And there I was all eager to learn new and exciting things about mermaids. I am teh disappoint, Barb.

            Do sharks menstruate?

          3. Barb

            Sorry Pristine, I had a miserable dental emergency and couldn't get back to you. Do sharks menstruate? According to the book, "Are You There God, It's Me, Mako?" Yes, they do have their period. They still have fun, wear white jeans when they ride seahorses, etc. It's all good.

          4. PristineODummy

            ZOMG ELEBENTY I'm so sorry. I caused it with my cooties, didn't I? Hope you're feeling better, Barb, or at least well-supplied with the wherewithal therefor, as us starchy-underpanted book-edjamacated types like to say. The vision of a hammerhead in low-cut white jeans and whale tail riding a seahorse while menstruating will occupy the rest of my evening, for which I remain forever in your debt.

          5. PristineODummy

            You are a very sweet lady, as I'm sure you're constantly reminded. Thank you for your contribution to my overactive imagination.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Yes. Also, I had totally hoped Daniel Pipes had passed away by now, but apparently not?

  1. Oblios_Cap

    One of Leitner’s slides was a Venn diagram that purported to show the various techniques that the Palestinian Muslim Brotherhood, the Pakistani Muslim Brotherhood and the Saudi & Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood allegedly use to carry out domestic attacks.

    Really? They used a Venn diagram to show that? That sounds like one fucked up presentation.

    1. V572 Hair of Destiny

      If it doesn't have text flying in letter by letter, it barely even qualifies as a Powerpoint. And drop shadows, there have to be drop shadows.

      1. widestanceroman

        All that PPGI is nice, but the important thing is that it has the words some idiot is reading aloud to you from the screen, usually with typos.

      2. finallyhappy

        Having retired from the gov't,I sure miss those meetings with powerpoint presentations- boring topics are so much better with "Advanced Powerpoint Techniques"( a class some co-worker attended that cost $400 or so)

      1. riverside68

        Stan was only in the Seattle market, right?

        Did anyone outside of Washington state hear of Bardahl Boreson?

        1. weejee

          Stan "I Yust Go Nutz at Christmas" Boreson is a C'Addle thing, but since Ballard has changed from Skandahoovians to Hipsters he is fading fast. Ole Barhdahl is the past sponsor of C'Addle's beloved Miss Bardahl, and also is the founder of the company that makes Barhdahl oil additives sold at car part stores, with a marketing mantra Congress would love – "a world without friction." GFL on that, obvs.

          1. anniegetyerfun

            I honestly have no idea what any of you are talking about, but then, I moved here from California, like 90% of Seattle residents.

    2. genxr

      Sounds more like a game of Twister.

      "Right foot, Palestinian Caliphate. Left hand, Muslim Students Association."

  2. LouBristol

    I hear the Saudis have already taken over a top cable news network and are using it to air vile propaganda in an effort to subvert American liberty, demean women, and cheat the good, hard-working people of everything they own.

      1. weejee

        This seems similar to the Repub leadership, McConnell, Boehner, Cantor and Ryan, who voted for Shrub's tax cuts, Shrub's Medicare drugs, Shrub's wars, and TARP. Those items comprise over 50% of the total debt. Those same "leaders" also voted to raise the debt ceiling 9 times under Shrub. Now those same assholes are having a full-blown hissy fit about the fucking crypto-debt they laid down. – please excuse the rant.

  3. Oblios_Cap

    As the audience feasted on beef, turkey and tuna sandwiches

    What?! No ham sandwiches to flush out the muslins who would ululate when they got near them?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      That was the original clever plan, but he Elders of Zion put the kibosh on the ham sammitches.

      1. PristineODummy

        Gawdammit, the ONLY reason most Muslims even while their time away among Teh Infidelz is, you just can't GET a decent ham sandwich in Teh Fatherland.

      1. Swampgas_Man

        Certainly tongue sammiches should be included?

        And is it just me, or did Wonkette get rid of the "downfist" button?

  4. north_of_moscow

    What happens when the "49-year stealth Muslim Brotherhood plot" crashes into the gay agenda? Do we get sparkle bombers?

    1. fuflans

      why don't i ever get off my ass and snark out these fools? it sounds like a lot more fun than looking for a job.

  5. weejee

    West invited these nuts of the Boca Raton, Florida variety into the Capitol

    Boca Raton; West is from the mouth of the rat for sure.

    1. genxr

      I need a Venn Diagram to show exactly how far in the Sisters' pants I can get. I don't want to wait 49 years, either.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Alexis Bledel, America Ferrera, Amber Tamblyn, & Blake Lively are legal, so as long as you could stalk find them, you could get with them.

        (Yes, I know the leads of the film adaptation from memory. Though I only watched about half of the first movie.)

  6. riverside68

    The Muslim Brotherhood would not be so "strong" had the CIA not picked up where the Nazis left off in 1945 with creating/building the Brotherhood to spread chaos in the 'stans of USSR.

    See "Mosque in Munich"

    I know, I know, reality gets you nowhere, but shit this stuff does drive me to drink (very short trip)

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I just checked that book out of the public socialist library. Looking forward to tucking into it.

  7. Pragmatist2

    Look at it this way: if you are a total loser and you need to feel good about yourself, imagining that you are the target of a conspiracy would help.
    Or you could get Spiderman pajamas. That would help, too.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      How about a bath towel secured to the neck with a safety pin, for a cape? Just don't jump off the roof of the garage thinking you can fly!

    1. Ruhe

      I thought it was only onanism if you spilled your seed on the ground, but surely those sandwiches came with little cocktail napkins.

    1. Ruhe

      Yeah. At least Henry Ford gave us an industrial revolution and a consumer society. What has West given us but these crappy tuna sandwiches.

    1. PristineODummy

      I'd pay to see that. I'm betting Pammycakes takes him out first with a vicious stiletto to the groin.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      There's no such thing as bad publicity, especially when you approve of killing liberal-minded teenagers!

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "various techniques that the Palestinian Muslim Brotherhood, the Pakistani Muslim Brotherhood and the Saudi & Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood allegedly use to carry out domestic attacks."

    I guess to see the various techniques that the Rich Capitalist Brotherhood uses to carry out domestic attacks, you just need to pick up a copy of Forbes, Fortune, or the Wall Street Journal.

    1. Ruhe

      Rich "Christian" Capitalist Brotherhood you mean. The messiah isn't gonna just up and arrive without some prodding. Like the Sanhedrin says, you gotta fuck some shit up if you want the messiah to come.

  9. MissTaken

    PowerPoint presentations filled with Venn diagrams and flowcharts. I read about this in Dante's Inferno, no?

          1. Crank_Tango

            i mistakenly read sammichfest as sanmichfest and I was going to pedantically state les deux magots was on the boulevard st germain, not st michel, like a total tool.

    1. genxr

      I'm pretty sure one of the inner circles of hell was comprised entirely of power point presentations.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      If so, their less than demuring approach marks them as out of step with Islamic thelogy.

  10. donner_froh

    The Muslim Brotherhood is getting very little return on its 49 year campaign. Maybe they should try something else, like bankrupting the economy. Amerikkkans go for that stuff.

  11. TanzbodenKoenig

    Taxes, taxes, taxes! Obama, jihad

    This is literally all I hear when I picture Republicans talking about any topic, right down to the little strings being used to control them

  12. Allmighty_Manos

    "With assistance from line graphs and pie charts accentuated with bullets instead of arrows, the group painted the Muslim Brotherhood as behind a massive conspiracy with the long-term goal of absorbing America into an Islamic Caliphate."

    Hey don't burn any bridges yet dude. When we default and collapse into total anarchy, becoming the official North American franchise of the Islamic Caliphate might be our best financial move.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Am I the only one who is shocked, SHOCKED, that Thakur wasn't immediately jumped, wrestled to the ground, given a body cavity search that makes Anal Night at the Ramrod look like amateur hour, and then whisked off to the nearest maximum security holding facility?

    1. comrad_darkness

      Are you kidding? With this crowd it's a wonder they didn't start blubbering about how mean he was for questioning them and then because they were too red faced and sobbing, cancel the rest of the presentation.

      1. PristineODummy

        OT, but: thanks so much for the tomato-growing advice. I actually did do all those things. Turned out, the little buggers wanted warmer weather. A few sunny days, and POW! The tomato trees are covered with thumbnail-size fruitlings. Gardening advice always welcomed.

    2. Swampgas_Man

      Stunned that he wasn't stopped and butt-searched when he came in the room, w/ that jihad-beard and all.

  14. edgydrifter

    I'd say lines, pies and bullets were the inspiration for as well as the formatting of this presentation.

  15. Callyson

    From TPM:
    The Palestinians, according to Leitner's chart, preferred money laundering, fraud and political pressure, whereas the Saudis and Egyptians went the subversion, sedition and intimidation on college campuses route instead.
    What, they can't do both at the same time? If this is how well organized the big Islamic conspiracy that threatens the USA is, time to start worrying about the *real* threat to America, Part II of the Great Economic Meltdown…

    1. genxr

      Conservatives: don't send your kids to college, it's too dangerous. Home school 'em 'til they're 26!

    2. prommie

      Its like the Mafia, the council splits up the rackets between the different families, drugs, extortion over here, loansharking, prostitution over there, and so on.

  16. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Allen West cares deeply about “homegrown jihad,” so he invited everyone to come hear what these Citizens for National Security had to say.

    1) I'm going to have a sad when the state of my birth slips beneath the sea, thanks to global warming.

    2) Here is Anders Brievik's armpatch, with some apt domestic samples for comparison.
    ~.

    1. Preferred Customer

      The irony of conservatives purporting to need a government license to hunt liberals is making my brain hurt.

  17. owhatever

    Yawn. Good morning, downfister. I promise to use only small words today so your brain cell will not be strained.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Silly Allen West. You should know by now that conspiracy theories only work on chalk boards.

  19. BarackMyWorld

    I'd be more impressed if they linked the Muslim Brotherhood to Kevin Bacon in less than 6 steps.

  20. inapewetrust

    it's almost like they're playing dungeons and dragons, except the baddies are brown folk instead of orcs, and also they're ruining everyones lives all over the world

    1. Preferred Customer

      This is American foreign policy in a nutshell. Has been since…well, ever, really.

  21. Goonemeritus

    Since American Muslims makeup only 2% of our population I think it maybe a heavy lift. This number puts them smaller than our gay population who despite their best efforts has not been able to mandate terracotta floor tiles in all new patio installations. I know some people are worried about the rate the Muslim population is growing. They extrapolate into future a population size that would be a significant voting block. To these people I point out our countries unparallel ability to anesthetize the hardest core population into a fat lazy TV addicted sack of Jell-O in less than a generation.

    1. genxr

      They are few, but powerful, and their children seem to be immune to the hateful screams of Orange County racists. I can't figure it out. We tried everything. Only PowerPoint can save us now.

    2. mayor_quimby

      I like my terra cotta tiles, you wanna make something of it?
      Cause if you do, I have a couple spare boxes…

  22. Doktor Zoom

    Err…isn't a paranoid obsession with Muslims now among the key danger signs for spotting potential home-grown terrorists?

  23. WhatTheHeck

    You put the conspiracy theory here.
    The craziness goes round and round.
    Oh oh oh oh.
    And the bullshit comes out here.

    (End of powerpoint presentation).

  24. DashboardBuddha

    A 59 year plan? Why 59 and not 55 or 60. Do they have an actual date? Hmmm, moot point cuz in 59 years I'l be :::let's see, add 10, carry the one::: dead.

  25. donner_froh

    What he said: "But we're talking about perception here, and terrorism is a tough thing to define."

    What they heard: "I am a Muslim terrorist jihad monster and I am here to force you into the Caliphate of North America.

  26. Chillwaver

    "As the audience feasted on beef, turkey and tuna sandwiches, group co-founder Peter Leitner walked through a long PowerPoint presentation…"

    No Wingnut feast would be complete without the shitty sandwiches and a crazy presentation made with Powerpoint 97.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      West was afraid that the Citizens for National Security members would expect him to beat the erasers after class.

  27. mumbly_joe

    beef, turkey and tuna sandwiches

    How considerate of them, to include halal options!

  28. SaintRond

    We have the yummiest sandwiches and the fastest rocket ships and they want to take this all away from us. So kill them! Kill them all!!!

  29. BaldarTFlagass

    I think putting the pink lines and arrows on the alt-text pic of the powerpoint presentation at top really didn't have any effect.

    1. genxr

      I didn't even notice them until you pointed it out. I think it clarifies things a little.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    You know, it used to be that we'd be paranoid about other countries — we started with the British (for good reason at the time), then the Spanish, then the Soviets. But you know our paranoid schizophrenic elected officials are scraping the bottom of the sanity barrel when they're terrified of the Caliphate — a country that doesn't even exist and is longed for by the Muslim version of the Tea Party, adherents of which would be dwindling into irrelevance in an increasingly secular world were it not for our own religious fanatics who keep bringing them up as some kind of threat.

    Anyway, in the war between their imaginary America (where the Bill of Rights is actually the Ten Commandments) and the imaginary Caliphate, I'm immigrating to Getcherdamnheadonstraightistan for the duration.

    1. genxr

      I recommend the small country of Getcherdamnheadonstraigtherdam for its excellent coffee shops.

  31. widestanceroman

    Once upon a time, someone made a puppet from the wood of a Beck blackboard and then made it into the boy we call Allen West.

    Hope everyone catches the racist liberal dog whistles in that comment.

  32. GunToting[Redacted]

    The American Muslin Brotherhood uses the most dangerous weapon of all – sarcasm!

    1. genxr

      Sarcasm and fear. Two! Our two weapons are sarcasm, fear, and a fanatical devotion to the caliphate. Three! Wait, among our chief weapons are…

  33. Chet Kincaid

    I don't know, Allen West just seems like the kind of shadowy paramilitary conspirator who'd get tossed out of an out-of-control helicopter by Jack Bauer in hour 17 of "24."

  34. Redhead

    I, too, care deeply about “homegrown jihad." That's why I'm so scared of white men who are scared of Muslims and liberals and advocate guns and reloading and violence against the government. Hell, the connection between Norway's looney tune and the US teabaggers is a lot stronger than the connection this guy thinks exists between the Muslim Brotherhood and the groups he listed.

  35. elburritodeluxe

    I think the American People deserve to have this Congressman change his name to Adam West.

  36. MiniMencken

    Ah, PowerPoint! It's what Joseph Goebbels what have used to explain the Protocols of the Elders of Zion if it had been around back in the day.

  37. voodooeconomics

    I stared at this Mooslin chart for a while and after 17 minutes i saw the image of Jebus and he spake to me: Thou shall not inherit the earth, it is all bullshit.

    Fuck you Lt Col West for pissing off the Man.

  38. user-of-owls

    Saudis and Egyptians went the subversion, sedition and intimidation on college campuses route instead.

    Well, this certainly has serious implications. Apparently the Saudi-Egyptian Muslim Brotherhoods, LLP are even tied to US anti-evolution forces!!

  39. ttommyunger

    Attendees who had the temerity to doze off during the Power Point Presentation were rudely awakened by the stealthy Congressman sneaking up on them and firing his Beretta 9mm within inches of their heads.

  40. Redhead

    I'm trying – I just haven't quite figured out how to transfer it from my special chalkboard. Help me, Beck!

Comments are closed.