Michelle Obama Endorses Walmart World Takeover

Oh the obese, how quickly they seem to have multiplied across our fair land. The self-aware once had a hero in Michelle Obama, who gave important seminars like “Just Because It Is A Dollar Doesn’t Mean You Should Eat It” and “Put Down the Fried Dough, You Human Stick of Lard.” But no one will listen to our FLOTUS, which is probably why she is giving up on this healthy eating thing entirely, or so it appears. She was recently seen drowning her sorrows at Shake Shack, and just the other day she announced that all the empty spaces in cities where industry used to dwell will now be filled with Walmarts. Michelle Obama, why hast thou forsaken us?

Our FLOTUS must have a truly unique thought process to come up with the zany equation “Vacant Lot + Poverty + Walmart = HEALTH!” This is the strategy that she presented last week, which probably would have raised some questions, except that everyone was too distracted by Michelle Obama’s HILARIOUS Joe Biden joke to remember what was going on. Walmart? Fat people? HEH?

Michelle Obama's campaign against childhood obesity moved a step forward Wednesday with the announcement that Walmart and other retailers plan over the next five years to open or expand 1,500 stores in areas without easy access to fresh fruit, vegetables and other healthy foods.

"Make no mistake about it. This is a big deal. It is a really big deal," the first lady said at the White House, where she was joined by executives from the national and regional retailers.

"I think our vice president put it better, but I'm not going to use his words," she said, drawing laughter from an audience that remembered the profanity Vice President Joe Biden whispered last year as he stressed to President Barack Obama what a big deal it was to sign the health care bill into law.

The UFCW was not distracted by this tactic, however, and International President of the UFCW Joe Hansen was not especially pleased with our FLOTUS’ announcement.

“The First Lady’s commitment to addressing childhood obesity in the U.S. is laudable and the UFCW commends her for her enthusiasm for such a worthy endeavor. But with income disparity between the rich and the poor at more extreme levels than during the Great Depression, Walmart must be held accountable for its track record of lower standards for millions of retail workers.

“Walmart is more responsible than any other private employer in our country for creating poverty-level jobs that leave workers unable to purchase healthy food or provide a good life for their families.”

We would like to trust our FLOTUS, and she does know a little something about Walmart. But... sigh. If nothing else, there will at least be plenty of new material for fans of these people. [ HuffPo / UFCW Blog ]