SAD STORIES OF FAILURE  10:09 pm July 22, 2011

The 1980 Winter Olympics Hate Tim Pawlenty

by Blair Burke

Tim “Who Cares?” Pawlenty is in trouble now, because his hopeless campaign couldn’t even make a lousy commercial the right way. This campaign ad he made, “The American Comeback,” is funny because first of all, a “comeback” is the opposite of what Tim Pawlenty has achieved. Secondly, Tim Pawlenty’s attempt to ruin everyone’s memory of the “Miracle on Ice” hockey game turned out to be illegal, yay.

ABC Sports may slap presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty with a cease-and-desist letter for improperly using its footage in a political advertisement, a company official told The Des Moines Register today.

“It’s a violation of our copyright and exclusive proprietary rights,” said Louise Argianas, director of rights and clearances for ABC Sports.

Argianas said in a telephone interview that ABC Sports retains exclusive U.S. rights to that footage. She said she was upset when she saw Pawlenty’s ad for the first time this afternoon.

“And they used our announcer’s voice, which they are not allowed to do, either,” she said, referring to play-by-play announcer Al Michaels. “Which I’m going to have to call his agent about.”

[The DesMoines Register]

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Sharkey July 22, 2011 at 10:17 pm

A sports-news organization doing something meaningful? Relevant? Oh wait, who are they talking about again? Right.

tihond July 22, 2011 at 10:20 pm

This is your time! Now go out there and violate copyright laws.

PuckStopsHere July 22, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Do I believe in miracles? Yes, yes I do. I believe it would be a miracle if anybody in America remembers this dispshits name in 18 months.

BerkeleyBear July 23, 2011 at 1:46 pm

There are folks in Minnesota who'll be pissed at him and how he screwed up the long term budget with short term chicanery for a long time.

the_problem_child July 22, 2011 at 10:22 pm


tihond July 22, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Tim Pawlenty (in America's Locker Room): Bland moments are born from bland opportunity. And that's what you have here tonight, boys. That's what you've earned here, tonight. One election. If we ran against them 10 times, they might win 9. But not this one. Not tonight. Tonight we poll with them. Tonight we STAY with them… , and we shut them down because we can! Tonight, we are the greatest campaign team in the world. You were born to be republicans, Every one of ya. For real. We bred you in a lab. You were meant to be here tonight. This is your election. THEIR TIME IS DONE! IT'S OVER! I'm sick and tired of hearin' about what a great election team the Obamas have. SCREW 'EM!

(Everyone falls asleep, off in the distance a bridge collapses)

Fukui_sanYesOta July 23, 2011 at 3:31 am

T-Paw as William Wallace

Aye, fight and you may die. Run and you'll live — at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our bland!!!

Cut to long shot of people falling asleep in waves akin to the ripples from a pebble tossed into a dreary pond

Radiotherapy® July 23, 2011 at 7:51 am

And he dies an enhanced interrogation death anyway.

PuckStopsHere July 23, 2011 at 7:09 pm

And…scene. Bravo and well done!

Arken July 22, 2011 at 10:26 pm

To be fair to Tim Pawlenty, he wants to take America back to an era long before 1980, so he's technically inventing the intellectual property, not stealing it.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 6:45 pm

What are the chances that T-Paw understands something as esoteric as copyright law? Seriously, you know he's at a disadvantage just from fact that it's called Intellectual Property.

Frost/Nixon/Robocop July 22, 2011 at 10:27 pm

So much for my campaign ad where I photoshop my face onto Rocky Balboa as he is knocking out Ivan Drago.

tihond July 22, 2011 at 10:30 pm

If you really want to win over the Republicans, you've got to use Rocky fighting Apollo Creed.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Preferably with Obama's head 'shopped in.

tihond July 22, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Tim Pawlenty's secret plan to solve the quagmire in Afghanistan? Teach the soldiers to use the flying v.

donner_froh July 22, 2011 at 10:31 pm

"The American Comeback,"

You dumb fuck–to come back you have to have been somewhere already. No haven't done shit and you ain't been nowhere Mr Shit-for-Brains.

tihond July 22, 2011 at 10:35 pm

If Pawlenty gets the nomination, look for him to announce Michelle Bachmann as his running mate by splicing them both into "The Cutting Edge."

the_problem_child July 22, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Isn't there a law against the POTUS and VPOTUS being from the same state?

Wasn't that why Cheney had to move to Wyoming?

berkeleyfarm July 22, 2011 at 11:57 pm

You're correct, but it was funny.

Mahousu July 23, 2011 at 8:23 am

Actually, they can be from the same state, but then the electors of that state can't vote for them (12th amendment). Which might not be an issue with a T-Paw/Bachmann ticket, as I suspect most of Minnesota is tired of both of them anyway.

emmelemm July 23, 2011 at 12:28 am

I love that movie! (No, seriously, I love that movie.)

tihond July 23, 2011 at 7:44 am

Toe Pick!

Mahousu July 23, 2011 at 8:19 am

Or, splicing them both into "The Crying Game."

user-of-owls July 23, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Wouldn't that be more of a Boehner thing?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Guess you haven't seen the movie…

Barb July 22, 2011 at 10:42 pm

T-Paw is one of those idiots who if he got a gold medal would have it bronzed. Even the Special Olympics doesn't want him around.

vulpes82 July 22, 2011 at 10:50 pm

I really, really need to remember that one, Barb. Genius!

Barb July 22, 2011 at 10:51 pm


Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 6:52 pm

You could be making a lot of dough as a writer in the money-for-funny biz.
(Jay Leno will pay anything for funny these days.)

Barb July 23, 2011 at 8:59 pm

I never watch Leno.

BerkeleyBear July 23, 2011 at 1:49 pm

SO athletes have so much more charisma, charm, courage and character than this putz, you can't even put them in the same league. Plus, a lot of them are probably better at hockey than he is.

Barb July 22, 2011 at 10:46 pm

My brother, Tom tried out for the '80 USA Hockey Team and was the last man cut for the position as goalie. I learned my love of hockey from him.

SpurningBeer July 22, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Whom do you credit for your love of Pawlenty?

Barb July 22, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Jenny Craig. Once someone tries to feed me some GOP I just say, "no thanks, I've had Pawlenty!"

Callyson July 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

LOL! You've had some good comments, but this one is definitely FTW. Hope you don't mind if I use this quote at any and all times necessary…(I'll give you credit of course!)

Barb July 23, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Thanks Sweetie!

user-of-owls July 23, 2011 at 3:49 pm

was the last man cut for the position as goalie.

Too soon!!

PuckStopsHere July 23, 2011 at 11:45 pm

I actually played against some of those guys from the "Miracle on Ice" team (which was actually pretty cool as I made a hell of a save on Euruzioni which pissed him off because, I guess, I was supposed to let him score on me in this "celebrity" game for charity) and they were all super cool. And Ken Morrow and me are buddies having spent a season together in the minors. Long story. Good times, etc.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 22, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Secondly, Tim Pawlenty’s attempt to ruin everyone’s memory of the “Miracle on Ice” hockey game turned out to be illegal…

No problemo, Tea-Paw. I've got the answer for you:

Miracle on I-35!

Call me, we'll do lunch. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Thank goodness we aren't ever going to waste taxpayers' money on infrastructure ever again!

mavenmaven July 22, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Laws, unions, proprietary rights, those are for libunatics. We have to save the constitution because leadership is above the law, as Carl Schmitt argued.
If you want to make fascist omelettes, you have to break a few laws (and then heads).

BarackMyWorld July 22, 2011 at 10:56 pm

The use of the word "hate" seems to imply Pawlenty is capable of instilling a strong emotion in someone. I do not believe this to be the case.

BarackMyWorld July 22, 2011 at 10:57 pm

And surely there was Pawlenty of other footage he could have used.

donner_froh July 22, 2011 at 11:04 pm


ShaveTheWhales July 22, 2011 at 11:11 pm

You know, I remember the Miracle on Ice. I put out my flag. And, a few swallows and inhalations later, we went out into the neighborhood looking for other flags. We rang the doorbell, and if someone answered the door, we jumped up and down and made bonobo noises, and sometimes the householder started doing the same thing.

Now, as for T-Pazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Texan_Bulldog July 22, 2011 at 11:18 pm

So the GOP has gone from pissing off musicians to pissing off network sports divisions. Next up…pissing off the Food Network folks & Swamp People. Go, team!

ProgressiveInga July 22, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Is it possible to be so so boring that you eventually becoming exciting? Trying to figure out TPaw's campaign strategy makes me soooooooo…zzzzzzzzzzzzzz………

ShaveTheWhales July 23, 2011 at 2:35 am

That's an interesting conjectuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

SpurningBeer July 22, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Hey Tim, aim higher. Don't try to identify yourself with the hockey guys. Look to Hollywood, and cast yourself as the new Heston/Moses, or Fishburne/Morpheus. Those folks know how to put a tuxedo on a turd. Look what they've done for Tom Cruise.

bumfug July 22, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Of course the 1980 Winter Olympics hate Tim Pawlenty. So does the 1978 World Series, Super Bowl XXXV and the 2004 Academy Awards. Every-fucking-body on earth is lining up for the ticket lottery to get a chance to piss on his grave. With any luck he'll try to give a skating demonstration and get run over by a goddamned Zamboni.

Doktor Zoom July 23, 2011 at 1:01 am

The 1983 Westminster Dog Show doesn't hate Pawlenty, but it's not exactly humping his leg, either.

flamingpdog July 23, 2011 at 1:27 am

It would be happy to lift its leg and piss on his.

elviouslyqueer July 22, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Now, to be fair, ABC had absolutely no problem handing over to Timmy the rights to the "Agony of Defeat" line.

HistoriCat July 23, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Considering his campaign style, "Lost" might have been a better choice.

berkeleyfarm July 23, 2011 at 12:00 am

More right-wing lawyer fail.

neiltheblaze July 23, 2011 at 12:32 am

Republicans seem to have a problem with the concept of "copyright".

BaldarTFlagass July 23, 2011 at 9:00 am

How does that work? You can't explain it!

user-of-owls July 23, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Not really, they just interpret in an alternative fashion:

Copyright means you have the right to copy something.

ThundercatHo July 23, 2011 at 12:35 am

The only thing "on ice" TPaw could get me to watch would be a skating demo or better yet, running mate with Tonya Harding and/or Johnny Weir. Except, I'm pretty sure that Johnny Weir would just glitter-bomb him. But, Tonya Harding would be handy to have around for those nosey reporters.

Doktor Zoom July 23, 2011 at 1:02 am

Tim who, now?

flamingpdog July 23, 2011 at 1:32 am


This post is certified stupid, but tasty.

LetUsBray July 23, 2011 at 2:36 am

It's funny how the law-and-order, business-friendly Rethugs seem to need a refresher course on copyright law about every other freaking day. Yes, America, they really are that stupid and blatantly dishonest; please figure it the fuck out already.

Fukui_sanYesOta July 23, 2011 at 3:27 am

Orrin "having fast forward on a DVR is stealing" Hatch started writing a motion to censure T-Paw but fell asleep whilst doing it.

T-Paw, in his dynamic way, with lite beer in hand jumpzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Geminisunmars July 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Those lawn-order thingies only apply when they protect my writes; otherwise they are fringing on my freedoms.

ManchuCandidate July 23, 2011 at 3:21 am

Don't fuck with the Mouse, dumbass.*

*ABC owned by Diznee, the most vicious and litigious of the media corprats… ironic considering they made their bank on public domain stories, but I digress.

weejee July 23, 2011 at 11:29 am

You know it MC. They sued to get this hippie poster put down.

ShaveTheWhales July 24, 2011 at 12:02 am

I still have that poster.

BerkeleyBear July 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm

If you fuck with the Mouse, you get the ears.

Derivative works are an awesome way to cash in – just ask Shakespeare.

I still call Disneyland Mauschwitz, after an acquaintance's one person show a decade ago. It was a hit at the SF Fringe Festival, and he got invited to the US Comedy Festival – until the Mouse found out, that is, and he was suddenly uninvited.

Fukui_sanYesOta July 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

The employees at corporate HQ in the 60s and 70s used to call it Mauschwitz-Duckenau, that's where it's from.

WinterOuthouse July 23, 2011 at 5:02 am

Evil libruls are drowning t-paw in a toilet of illegal laws agaisnt using somebody else's stuff.

Goonemeritus July 23, 2011 at 7:13 am

Hey Tim every day your campaign looks worse and worse. And today it looks like the middle of next week

Boojum_Reborn July 23, 2011 at 7:13 am

Are they really, literally going to slap him with a letter. Because that might make me watch.

Pawlenty: The glob of drool hanging from grandmom's lip as she sleeps at the dinner table.

Radiotherapy® July 23, 2011 at 7:58 am

Keep your paws off our footage!

weejee July 23, 2011 at 11:30 am

not your Tpaws?

user-of-owls July 23, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Frottage?! Where?! I missed it?! Damn!!

PuckStopsHere July 23, 2011 at 11:53 pm

I love frottage. But, hell, who don't?

BaldarTFlagass July 23, 2011 at 9:02 am

Maybe he should have used Tom Petty's "American Girl" instead. Or Talking Heads "Road to Nowhere," probably much more appropriate.

Callyson July 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

T – Paw has two problems: he's boring and no one know who he is. So, to solve both problems, a new theme song from the Old School…
Snoop Doggy Dogg – Who Am I?

user-of-owls July 23, 2011 at 4:07 pm

More appropriate still is the soundtrack to Koyaanisqatsi.

Even when you see it completely lit, it's a bore of epic proportions.

Doktor Zoom July 24, 2011 at 3:21 pm

On the other hand, it did prompt one movie reviewer (forget who, unfortunately) to give this memorable pronunciation guide to the title: "Rhymes with 'Coy honest Nazi'"

Also, too:

Who's there?
Who's there?
Who's there?
(increasing frustration) Who's there?

Phillip Glass!

glamourdammerung July 23, 2011 at 9:03 am

Why do conservatives not respect private property?

weejee July 23, 2011 at 11:31 am

It is amazing that they, the supposed saviors of bidness, are so repetitively clueless regards copyrights.

Geminisunmars July 23, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Well, we are talking about intellectual properties here.

DerrickWildcat July 23, 2011 at 11:21 am

He could change it to the U.S. soccer team beating the Brazilians in the World Cup Final. Although it's unlikely it will happen, he can't get in trouble for doing it.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 7:03 pm

That would be a more accurate metaphor on every level.

Callyson July 23, 2011 at 1:04 pm

“And they used our announcer’s voice, which they are not allowed to do, either,” she said, referring to play-by-play announcer Al Michaels.
Except that Michaels might not mind, unless he is supporting an even more rightwing nutcase:
In September 2004, during a New England Patriots game, Michaels commented on a coaching move, saying "After all, Massachusetts is home of the flip-flip." Michaels later apologized for the biased political comments.

simplyblue7 July 23, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Huh? What was that? I couldn't hear/see anything besides the hockey footage.

pinkocommi July 23, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Tim Pawlenty is using footage of a hockey game for his campaign to become what? Canadian Prime Minister?

OurHoboSenator July 23, 2011 at 1:48 pm

T-Paw should feel free to use footage from the storied history of the Columbus Blue Jackets as a metaphor for his presidential campaign.

(But, hey, we just signed Vinny Prospal today! Playoffs, baby!)

Geminisunmars July 23, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Haven't heard of them, either.

Pres.Beeblebrox July 23, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Countdown to Charlie Crist-style videotaped copyright infringement apology in 5… 4… 3…

Ken Cuccinelli July 23, 2011 at 2:38 pm

So is this the place we do weekend OT posts? Because I have one. Crucial is the computer memory maker that advertises here, right? I just bought 8 GB of memory from them for my MacBook, because they guarantee compatibility with Mac computers. Apparently buying just any old RAM for a Mac can be a bad idea.

Anyway, they charged me about $70. Apple wants $400 for the same exact thing. Considering I paid $1,000 for the fucking thing in the first place, I sort of laughed at that. They really have no shame.

Fukui_sanYesOta July 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Aw, why not.

The rule of thumb with Apple products is never buy their memory or, if you can get away with it, hard drives. They produce kit which no other manufacturer can seem to match in terms of quality or aesthetics, but they do rape you on commodity items. Both my iMac and MBP I bought with as little memory as possible and upgraded myself.

Just as an aside, you've gotta love Apple's cinema displays. I spent a year with just a MacBook Pro and a 30" cinema display and that was what weaned me off "needing" a desktop.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Ditto. Got Crucial SIMMs humming away in my Mac right now. Good stuff, great prices.

user-of-owls July 23, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I've been casting around for an analog for T-Paw and think I've found one:

He is the equivalent of Absolom, Absolom!.

On audio tape.

Narrated by Ben Stein.

weejee July 23, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Oh sweet jeebuz I get chills thinking of Stein's eloquent milquetoasty rendering of:

his very body was an empty hall echoing with sonorous defeated names; he was not a being, an entity, he was a commonwealth. He was a barracks filled with stubborn, back-looking ghosts…

HistoriCat July 23, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Gosh thanks for sharing. I'll never get that out of my head now.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 6:58 pm

"ABC Sports may slap presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty with a cease-and-desist letter."

They may do it, but they might not. Because for some reason, *yawn*, they're just not all that excited about it.

scionkirk July 23, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Whats a Tim Pawlenty?

ttommyunger July 23, 2011 at 10:10 pm

“And they used our announcer’s voice, which they are not allowed to do, either,”… Tim also uses another person's hand to jerk off with: Ted Nugent's , to be exact.

BZ1 July 24, 2011 at 10:21 am

TPaw is proud to take on the unions, shut down government and turn Minna into a conservative enclave, wow, great election platform?!

carlgt1 July 24, 2011 at 11:36 am

it's funny the party of property-rights-uber-alles time and again ignore copyright laws (and artist wishes) – I mean from Reagan's (mis)use of "Born in the USA" through Palin's "Barracuda" and now this (and there are many other examples out there.

finallyhappy July 24, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Who and what?

Mapmonger July 24, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Christ, what a dick. Is Pawlenty the best they have? Not that I care, because fuck 'em all, but still.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 24, 2011 at 10:40 pm

OT, but here's good news: the Draft Paul Ryan movement is picking up steam.

ShaveTheWhales July 25, 2011 at 12:32 am

Well, as long as they don't pick up any self of steam.

Fukui_sanYesOta July 25, 2011 at 4:21 am

Are you old enough to drink now? HAPPY DAYZ!

Also, happy birthday.

horsedreamer_1 July 25, 2011 at 9:38 am

That "Path to Prosperity" still-shot looks a lot like the Al Gore slide-show (as the Right called it, to deride An Inconvenient Truth).

gurukalehuru July 25, 2011 at 8:27 am

I took on the unions – and won.
I shut down the government – and won.

Except that 2nd one would be considered by most people to be a "disaster" instead of a "win," and the 1st one is not a win if you happen to be in a union, which large numbers of T Paws constituents are.
The stupid hockey analogy is actually quite effective at hiding the underlying stupidity of the whole campaign.

horsedreamer_1 July 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

Hell, hockey players are in a union. & they got locked-out (shut-down, in Gov Auto-tune's world) in '04-'05… & the sport hasn't looked the same, financially, ever since.

So, yeah, uh… shut-downs… They work.

Now, let's default on our debt!

Fukui_sanYesOta July 23, 2011 at 9:25 pm

That's because you're actually funny and he's a large-chinned hacky doof, no?

Barb July 24, 2011 at 10:09 am

Yeah, but he still doesn't irritate me as much as Flay does.

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