IMPORTANT POLLING TOPIX  1:53 pm July 22, 2011

God Gets Only Slightly Higher Job Approval Ratings Than Obama

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Whatever God is up to these days — forwarding spam emails to the Pope, watching Sex and the City reruns, filling up NFL fan message boards with gripes about the players’ lockout under His “RickPerryIsAGoon” handle — only earns Him the job approval stamp from 52% of Americans. That is not so bad for a retired guy? Meanwhile, loser Barack Obama is only slightly behind with his 45% approval ratings, because he at least shows up for work.

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{ 143 comments }

nounverb911 July 22, 2011 at 1:54 pm

How many jobs has God created since he was elected?

Sue4466 July 22, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Just that one, but he lived a long time.

ph7 July 22, 2011 at 2:32 pm

God's blew all his stimulus money on Noah, and he took forever to build that boat.

Fare la Volpe July 22, 2011 at 9:45 pm

All of them.

sezme July 22, 2011 at 10:04 pm

And what other executive experience has He had?

MLHencken July 22, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Where is God on DOMA?

ifthethunderdontgetya July 22, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Where is the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

I call biased poll!
~

Come here a minute July 22, 2011 at 2:13 pm

This poll is all about the creator of the universe, may you be touched by his noodly appendages.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 22, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I was just adding…

(Bless His Noodly Appendages!)

Ramen.

P.S. From the meatball eyes evolution thread:

Otherwise, we would be stuck with the question “if eyes evolved from meatballs, why are there still meatballs?”
~

edgydrifter July 22, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Heck of a job, Goddy.

Gratuitous World July 22, 2011 at 2:04 pm

ok, but where's the birth certificate?

horsedreamer_1 July 22, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Jesus will have to ask the Nazarene Records Office to release it.

MLHencken July 22, 2011 at 2:05 pm

"Cut that shit out. Don't make me come down there." – God

ifthethunderdontgetya July 22, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I will (reluctantly) admit that God has done a fine job of ignoring wingnut prayers from Texas and Oklahoma.
~

savethispatient July 22, 2011 at 2:08 pm

God's just not very accurate – he's a big picture thinker, after all – so the Oklahomans prayed for rain and Seattle received it. Same country, so close enough for omnipotent beings.

Barb July 22, 2011 at 2:06 pm

God gets a big fat zero in my book for talking to Michele Bachmann.

JustPixelz July 22, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Downfist him/her.

Why would she listen to God anyway? He/she gave her a broken brain (migraines). And she'd giving them to the rest of us. And she/he made her — MADE HER — marry that fabulous totally heterosexual he/she man/gaydar-test-generator.

elviouslyqueer July 22, 2011 at 2:20 pm

That wasn't God. That was the schizophrenia talking.

Fare la Volpe July 22, 2011 at 9:46 pm

There's a difference?

ph7 July 22, 2011 at 2:34 pm

God's been especially fond of Michelle since her prolonged shoulder rub following the State of the Universe address.

DerrickWildcat July 22, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Zero is a Muslin word…I can't hear you.

Come here a minute July 22, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Dear God, hope You got the letter
And I pray You can make it better down here
Maybe just a small reduction in the price of beer

JustPixelz July 22, 2011 at 2:07 pm

When God outsourced free will, it was his/her biggest mistake. See "My Biggest Misteaks: God's Advice to Managers", now available on the kindle.

arihaya July 22, 2011 at 2:09 pm

well of course Shiva's approval rating isn't that high,,, he is the God of the fucking Destruction after all

LetUsBray July 22, 2011 at 4:39 pm

And I've got whole fucking list of things that fucking need destroying, and he hasn't gotten to a single one of them.

PristineODummy July 23, 2011 at 12:21 am

Hey! He's also the God of Dance (Nataraja). Not to mention, what thighs!

weejee July 22, 2011 at 2:10 pm

What about doG? Huh!!1!! Who's the kumbayaya who made up this poll?

Crank_Tango July 22, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Friggin lamestream media in the tank for god.

Radiotherapy® July 22, 2011 at 2:11 pm

It's not easy being omniscient and omnipotent.

ph7 July 22, 2011 at 2:35 pm

God pops Viagra by the busload.

Arken July 22, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Man, some people will like anyone, even a genocidal maniac…

Goonemeritus July 22, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Not smart to black ball God, I heard he sends Angels around to squeeze your face.

JustPixelz July 22, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I can see where 5% are not happy with the God's creation of the universe. If I could wave a magic wand, I'd have made neutrons pick a charge, stop this "I'm both and neither" zen crap they pull outta their ass at parties.

Also I would have put in motion the physics and natural laws so my neighbor would not have a goddamn yapping dog.

MissusBarry July 22, 2011 at 5:09 pm

I'm biased, but I blame yappy dogs on humans and will allow god to take credit for the quiet, calm big dogs. Ok, not true, since I'm an atheist, but just in case I'm wrong.

GOPCrusher July 22, 2011 at 5:39 pm

As a Cubs fan, there are a lot of things that God needs to answer for.

BaldarTFlagass July 22, 2011 at 2:13 pm

So, is there going to be a recall election?

Mumbletypeg July 22, 2011 at 2:13 pm

If God existsexits, will you approve or disapprove?

Not really FIXED, because I misread the description for No Exit as "an exitentialist play."

Say, you know who else ought'nt have waited til the approval ratings slipped while deciding whether to retire?

OK: Ron Paul Sartre, if you must know.

Doktor Zoom July 22, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Does he drive a Dodge Dartre?

Mumbletypeg July 22, 2011 at 2:37 pm

That information is classified. Or at the very least, beyond what I could impartre.

Doktor Zoom July 22, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Actually, he owns a Plymouth. Because after Adam and Eve sinned, "He drove them from the Garden in his Fury."

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Did He happen to name it "Christine"?

poncho_pilot July 22, 2011 at 2:23 pm

someone who believes in always having an escape route?

gurukalehuru July 22, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Ron Paul Sartre
blew a fartre
blew the whole damned place apartre

Sue4466 July 22, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Hey God, we'll remember in November.

weejee July 22, 2011 at 2:16 pm

God would prob'ly do better iffin' s/he could get away from the Noah, Moses, Sodom, apocalypse, et al wipe-outs. God just needz to sign-up for some anger management classes.

flamingpdog July 22, 2011 at 3:25 pm

He's a lot less angry in the New Testament. Sometimes havin' a kid will do that for ya.

Radiotherapy® July 22, 2011 at 2:20 pm

God/Bolton '12

ph7 July 22, 2011 at 2:36 pm

The Dream Facial Hair ticket!

RedNM July 22, 2011 at 3:52 pm

God maybe. But there is no way I'm voting for that no-talent ass-clown for VP.

BaldarTFlagass July 22, 2011 at 2:20 pm

"If God exists, do you approve or disapprove of his handling of Darfur, Rwanda, Bosnia, Cambodia, Mao's Great Leap Forward, the Holocaust, Stalin's collectivization of the kulaks, the Armenian genocide…. ah, fuckit."

gizdal July 22, 2011 at 4:08 pm

and why did he give most of the oil to the arabs?

Doktor Zoom July 22, 2011 at 2:20 pm

At least we have concrete evidence of Obama's existence.

flamingpdog July 22, 2011 at 3:04 pm

If Teatards had their way, the most concrete evidence of Obama's existence would be his boots.

nappyduggs July 22, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I'm going to abstain until pepperoni pizza Combos get put back into the damn vending machine, They've been "on order" for what, like, 6 months now? That and my prayer that Neil from Accounts Receivable gets a raging case of amoebic dysentery is answered, cause that guy is a dick.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 22, 2011 at 2:21 pm

How did Satan do?

weejee July 22, 2011 at 2:48 pm

God (nee MG), Satan is paid staff doing advance work for Bachmann in western Iowa.

flamingpdog July 22, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Satan is a nice feller. Yesterday he internetted me a birthday greeting. I thought the greeting was from Ken Layne until it got sappy at 0:17.

SorosBot July 22, 2011 at 2:21 pm

The Lord hasn't even bought me that Mercedes Benz I asked for yet.

Barb July 22, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Are all your friends still driving Porsches?

SorosBot July 22, 2011 at 3:18 pm

As a matter of fact, yes, and I must make amends.

And I'm still waiting for that color TV too.

LetUsBray July 22, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Your mistake is waiting for delivery each day until until 3 – He came by with the TV last Thursday at 4:30. Your dickwad neighbor Darrell probably signed for it and kept it for himself.

fartknocker July 22, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Janice Joplin asked for the same thing…

elviouslyqueer July 22, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Then you must make amends!

Steverino247 July 22, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Some missed questions:

Is Creation on the right track?

Does God work in mysterious enough ways?

Is God's civil engineering skill (e.g., putting a sewer through a recreational area) adequate?

Was Mary as "good" as everybody says she was?

OneYieldRegular July 22, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Monotheism bias.

poncho_pilot July 22, 2011 at 2:27 pm

what about God's handling in natural disasters? does he come equipped with anti-lock brakes?

Doktor Zoom July 22, 2011 at 2:27 pm

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50.

George Carlin (the ranty years)

Gratuitous World July 22, 2011 at 2:29 pm

at his age, God has to be a huge drain on Medicare + SS

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Yeah, but he contributed for 14 billion six thousand years.

SexySmurf July 22, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I do approve of God's handling of animals because he had the good sense to make them so delicious. Everything else, not so much.

mookwrthwilson July 22, 2011 at 4:07 pm

If god's handling animals, I would hope he would clean his hands before doing anything else…

SorosBot July 22, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I certainly don't approve of god's creation of this universe; that damn second law of thermodynamics and the way it makes everything eventually die pisses me off.

flamingpdog July 22, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Is the second law of thermodynamics in the Bible, or his other book, the Constitution? Why does it even apply to us?

CalamityJames July 22, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Oh good, in these dire economic times, its good to know we can still waste money on rating the performance of imaginary friends.

Mahousu July 22, 2011 at 2:40 pm

God made yeast.
Yeast make alcohol.
End of story.

flamingpdog July 22, 2011 at 3:16 pm

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
- founding father Ben Franklin

P.S. This quote, like many founding father quotes, is bogus.

fartknocker July 22, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I sometimes call out for God and Jesus when my gorgeous red-head wife and I have sex. Does that count?

flamingpdog July 22, 2011 at 3:18 pm

You have to call out for Mary, Mother of God, too. That's the Holy Trinity – in bed.

gizdal July 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm

no, the holy trinity is- the father, the son, and the white-haired fox terrier!

metamarcisf July 22, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Charlie Brooks? Is that you?

AutomaticPilot July 22, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Dennis Kucinich?

GregComlish July 22, 2011 at 4:56 pm

If I were you, I'd spend more time fucking my hot wife and less time bragging about fucking her on internet message boards.

MissusBarry July 22, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Speaking of, I should put down Our Wonkette and go score.

Nostrildamus July 22, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Hard to tell without pix.

SayItWithWookies July 22, 2011 at 2:44 pm

If wishes were horses, do you approve of beggars riding?

sezme July 22, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Who killed Bin Laden? Not God, that's who.

pinkocommi July 22, 2011 at 2:45 pm

I'd like to have a word with God about why so many of his followers are ignorant, bigoted fools.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 5:52 pm

The fools are inevitable and mostly harmless (except on election day) … it's the ones actually working for the Devil you have to watch out for.

Sue4466 July 22, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Apparently, God's responding to the polling by trying to appear centrist: http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-urges-rick-p

qwerty42 July 22, 2011 at 2:47 pm

No comments how "GOD it's hot!!!". Or is everyone else in Canada right now?

MissusBarry July 22, 2011 at 5:20 pm

My friend in Toronto indicated yesterday that they had a 120 heat index yesterday (she's kind and converted from C for the 'Murkins). Apparently, god has even forsaken Canada.

sezme July 22, 2011 at 10:00 pm

It is so very hot here in Toronto. My polar cap is melting.

simplyblue7 July 22, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I disapprove on God's performance in my weight loss.

LettucePrey July 22, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Hurrah, the Texas Board of Education just approved scientifically accurate high school biology textbooks from mainstream publishers, and not the creationist "supplements."

A victory for now, but they'll be back. Southern creationists are like rats crapping on the edges of human progress, civilization and englightenment.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 5:54 pm

So there's a silver lining to Texas being broke, after all.

SayItWithWookies July 22, 2011 at 2:54 pm

The action of God's that I most approve of was His decision, in His infinite wisdom, not to exist. Unfortunately there are tons of nonbelievers in the nonexistence of God who sully His non-memory by attributing all manner of horrible and buffoonish actions to Him. Were He to exist and find out about that, He'd be extremely annoyed — which is why he chose the path to serenity.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 5:55 pm

He's reconsidering that decision. Ummm… wait, what?

MissTaken July 22, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Raise of hand fellow Wonketteers: how many of you counted up the results to see if they surpassed 100%?

Hint – the first question has 101% of responses!

flamingpdog July 22, 2011 at 3:21 pm

That's what's known in the Teatard statistical community as "Hoverounding off".

Indiepalin July 22, 2011 at 2:59 pm

If God really exists, then why doesn't he intervene in the most important yet politically dysfuntional effort ever to grace His lovely plane of existence?. Every day that an agreement is not reached puts the country closer to economic and cultural ruin. Although I did hear this afternoon the that players and owners ARE close to an agreement…

mavenmaven July 22, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Well, I thought Thor's performance was OK, but Natalie Portman was hotter.

horsedreamer_1 July 22, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Kat Dennings can tase me anytime.

DahBoner July 22, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Would't it be funny if all our prayers from the past 3 billion years were just piling up on God's answering machine?

MissTaken July 22, 2011 at 3:37 pm

The only time they'll be listened to is when Murdoch hacks it.

SorosBot July 22, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Dammit.

MissusBarry July 22, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Indeed! Knew I was too slow on the draw.

Negropolis July 22, 2011 at 10:57 pm

And, he's always deleting them, too, to make room to give us humans false hope.

SorosBot July 22, 2011 at 3:37 pm

We should ask Rupert Murdoch to go check it.

SayItWithWookies July 22, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I certainly hope most life before the Cambrian Explosion 560 million or so years ago didn't engage in prayer. If there's one advantage to being a single-cell life form (and there were some bacterial aggregations and possibly annelid-like creatures too) it should be not having the need to engage in such frivolity.

I'd guess that prayer, which seems to have evolved from ritualized stimulus-response conditioning, probably came about when humans or their ancestors engaged in abstract thought, which could go back to two million years. It didn't become a widespread practice, though, until the invention of the back seat.

HistoriCat July 22, 2011 at 7:54 pm
Doktor Zoom July 22, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Mr Deity RULES.

As it were.

ThundercatHo July 22, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Yeah, but have you friended it on Facebook? Have you donate time/money to it's campaign? Do you think this poll is biased towards gender-neutral, invisible beings? Would you buy/read it's book?

flamingpdog July 22, 2011 at 3:29 pm

God's on Facebook? Does that mean that Zuckerman knows all the secrets of the universe?

Callyson July 22, 2011 at 4:11 pm

"There is a considerable age divide on God’s approval with those 18-29 approving 67-18 compared to a 40-6 approval rating among those over 65. What jumps out from this divide is not just that young voters are more likely to be critical of the job performance of the omnipotent figure, but that they are considerably more likely to voice their opinion. Only 15% of those 18-29 said they were unsure whether they approved of God, while 54% of those over 65 said they were unsure."
Younguns are so persnickety…olds are so confused…must be intelligent design at work.
"There is also an ideological divide over God’s performance. Those who identify as very liberal approve of God 54-18, while those who identify as very conservative are almost uniform in their approval, 61-4."
Well, since the wingnuts have been having their way with almost everything as of late, the least they can do is be grateful to God. The rest of us are still praying and trying not to lose faith (if we still have it)…

gizdal July 22, 2011 at 4:15 pm

god save us from those who believe in god.

RickPerryIsAGoon July 22, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Thanks for the new handle, suckas!

LetUsBray July 22, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Unlike the president, God doesn't have to deal with a congress full of teabaggers, corporate ho-bags, morons, conservadems, and Joe fucking Lieberman. And the prez has still managed to get more shit done.

BlueStateLibel July 22, 2011 at 8:00 pm

God made the eyeballs in my head so that I can enjoy reading the Wonkette comments whilst enjoying a few beers, so I'm pretty much happy with him.

DerrickWildcat July 22, 2011 at 9:44 pm

A poll of the Doobie Brothers concluded that Jesus was just alright…OOHHH YEEEAHHHH!!!!

bflrtsplk July 23, 2011 at 9:17 am

Actually the Byrds sang it first.

DerrickWildcat July 23, 2011 at 10:58 am

duly noted

ShaveTheWhales July 22, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Jesus Crucking Feist, This is about the same as a poll where all the questions start: "If Michele Bachmann is not a psychopath,…".

Negropolis July 22, 2011 at 10:44 pm

If God exists, do you approve or disapprove of his handling of animals?

Ummm…WTF?

I'm not so bullish on God, but he has a pretty cool son, though, the crowd his son attracts is kind of unsavory and annoying as hell.

Negropolis July 22, 2011 at 10:58 pm

It's always god, god, god. What about the Holy Spirit? No respect, I tell ya'. The Holy Spirit don't get no respect.

dottiestoy July 23, 2011 at 1:15 am

All you people s/b ashamed of yourselves for making your comments about God.
How do you think all of intricate such as birth from a seed. Over and over.
You all disgust me

Angry_Marmot July 23, 2011 at 8:38 am

Holy Spirit's a sex fiend, bless Her/His/Its heart. Throwing a tantrum and destroying a city always gets more respect than sprinkling the Earth with ecstacy and roses.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 23, 2011 at 6:08 pm

So that's Mary's "O" face, huh?

ttommyunger July 23, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Polls go in, shit comes out, never a miscommunication. Now excuse me while I poll my dogs on the validity of String Theory.

alensmithee July 25, 2011 at 12:45 am

Hey God, I have a question for you: How is it hanging? 1 thunderbolt = good, 2 thunderbolts = bad

poncho_pilot July 22, 2011 at 2:19 pm

"I think bundling reproductive functions into the same area as excretory functions pretty much proves God didn't really think this through."

"tell me about it, " says David Vitter.

Sue4466 July 22, 2011 at 2:21 pm

50% approve of God's handling of natural disasters. WTH does that mean? The tornadoes and floods are hitting the right towns? Good job taking out that small midwestern town God, yehaa!

Doktor Zoom July 22, 2011 at 2:34 pm

And you know how I perceived one of the most glorious events in the universe? With these ridiculous gelatinous orbs in my skull! With eyes designed to perceive only a tiny fraction of the EM spectrum. With ears designed only to hear vibrations in the air… want to see gamma rays! I want to hear X-rays! And I want to – I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to – I have to conceptualize complex ideas in this stupid limiting spoken language! But I know I want to reach out with something other than these prehensile paws!

–Brother Cavil, who was also displeased with his Creators

SorosBot July 22, 2011 at 3:44 pm

And what's with all those elementary particles, anyway? All we need are the first generation particles, the good old electron, up and down quarks, and I guess neutrinos though they don't do all that much; none of those muons or strange and charmed quarks and the rest, much less the possible superparticles like selectrons and squarks.

There's too many of those damned things, and they don't do anything useful, so what are they there for?

user-of-owls July 22, 2011 at 7:44 pm

You realize, of course, that I have a cloaca, right?

HistoriCat July 22, 2011 at 7:08 pm

OK, now you're just showing off.

HistoriCat July 22, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Well you have the 25-30% who approve of anything God does. Then add in the assholes who think "just as long as it's not me" – say 15%. That leaves 5-10% who actively dislike the midwestern towns.

SpurningBeer July 22, 2011 at 8:19 pm

The Particles Are Too Damn Numerous.

Gleem_McShineys July 22, 2011 at 8:19 pm

ONE CHUTE TO RULE THEM ALL!

Doktor Zoom July 22, 2011 at 8:43 pm

and there's probably a fair percentage who are grateful that the Almighty elected not to smite them any worse. Like the "miraculous" survival of one person in a plane crash–bummer for all those unlucky sods who didn't get a miracle.

Sue4466 July 22, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Thanks for the breakdown. Going to call you StatistiCat from now on. Just so you know.

Sue4466 July 22, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Seriously, WTH with that kind of reasoning? I am always astounded at people who thank Jebus one person out of 100 survived as some proof of a miracle.

"God heard our prayers! Hallelujah! And he said fuck you to the losers who died!"

user-of-owls July 22, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Ha!

They Don't Chute Owls, Do They?

deanbooth July 23, 2011 at 11:11 am

Now that's chutespa!

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