important polling topix

God Gets Only Slightly Higher Job Approval Ratings Than Obama

Whatever God is up to these days — forwarding spam emails to the Pope, watching Sex and the City reruns, filling up NFL fan message boards with gripes about the players’ lockout under His “RickPerryIsAGoon” handle — only earns Him the job approval stamp from 52% of Americans. That is not so bad for a retired guy? Meanwhile, loser Barack Obama is only slightly behind with his 45% approval ratings, because he at least shows up for work.

[PPP]

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143 comments

    1. Come here a minute

      This poll is all about the creator of the universe, may you be touched by his noodly appendages.

    1. savethispatient

      God's just not very accurate – he's a big picture thinker, after all – so the Oklahomans prayed for rain and Seattle received it. Same country, so close enough for omnipotent beings.

    1. JustPixelz

      Downfist him/her.

      Why would she listen to God anyway? He/she gave her a broken brain (migraines). And she'd giving them to the rest of us. And she/he made her — MADE HER — marry that fabulous totally heterosexual he/she man/gaydar-test-generator.

    2. ph7

      God's been especially fond of Michelle since her prolonged shoulder rub following the State of the Universe address.

  1. Come here a minute

    Dear God, hope You got the letter
    And I pray You can make it better down here
    Maybe just a small reduction in the price of beer

  2. JustPixelz

    When God outsourced free will, it was his/her biggest mistake. See "My Biggest Misteaks: God's Advice to Managers", now available on the kindle.

  3. arihaya

    well of course Shiva's approval rating isn't that high,,, he is the God of the fucking Destruction after all

    1. LetUsBray

      And I've got whole fucking list of things that fucking need destroying, and he hasn't gotten to a single one of them.

  4. Goonemeritus

    Not smart to black ball God, I heard he sends Angels around to squeeze your face.

  5. JustPixelz

    I can see where 5% are not happy with the God's creation of the universe. If I could wave a magic wand, I'd have made neutrons pick a charge, stop this "I'm both and neither" zen crap they pull outta their ass at parties.

    Also I would have put in motion the physics and natural laws so my neighbor would not have a goddamn yapping dog.

    1. MissusBarry

      I'm biased, but I blame yappy dogs on humans and will allow god to take credit for the quiet, calm big dogs. Ok, not true, since I'm an atheist, but just in case I'm wrong.

  6. Mumbletypeg

    If God existsexits, will you approve or disapprove?

    Not really FIXED, because I misread the description for No Exit as "an exitentialist play."

    Say, you know who else ought'nt have waited til the approval ratings slipped while deciding whether to retire?

    OK: Ron Paul Sartre, if you must know.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Actually, he owns a Plymouth. Because after Adam and Eve sinned, "He drove them from the Garden in his Fury."

  7. weejee

    God would prob'ly do better iffin' s/he could get away from the Noah, Moses, Sodom, apocalypse, et al wipe-outs. God just needz to sign-up for some anger management classes.

    1. flamingpdog

      He's a lot less angry in the New Testament. Sometimes havin' a kid will do that for ya.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "If God exists, do you approve or disapprove of his handling of Darfur, Rwanda, Bosnia, Cambodia, Mao's Great Leap Forward, the Holocaust, Stalin's collectivization of the kulaks, the Armenian genocide…. ah, fuckit."

    1. flamingpdog

      If Teatards had their way, the most concrete evidence of Obama's existence would be his boots.

  9. nappyduggs

    I'm going to abstain until pepperoni pizza Combos get put back into the damn vending machine, They've been "on order" for what, like, 6 months now? That and my prayer that Neil from Accounts Receivable gets a raging case of amoebic dysentery is answered, cause that guy is a dick.

      1. SorosBot

        As a matter of fact, yes, and I must make amends.

        And I'm still waiting for that color TV too.

        1. LetUsBray

          Your mistake is waiting for delivery each day until until 3 – He came by with the TV last Thursday at 4:30. Your dickwad neighbor Darrell probably signed for it and kept it for himself.

  10. Steverino247

    Some missed questions:

    Is Creation on the right track?

    Does God work in mysterious enough ways?

    Is God's civil engineering skill (e.g., putting a sewer through a recreational area) adequate?

    Was Mary as "good" as everybody says she was?

  11. poncho_pilot

    what about God's handling in natural disasters? does he come equipped with anti-lock brakes?

  12. Doktor Zoom

    You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

    For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

    So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50.

    George Carlin (the ranty years)

  13. SexySmurf

    I do approve of God's handling of animals because he had the good sense to make them so delicious. Everything else, not so much.

    1. mookwrthwilson

      If god's handling animals, I would hope he would clean his hands before doing anything else…

  14. SorosBot

    I certainly don't approve of god's creation of this universe; that damn second law of thermodynamics and the way it makes everything eventually die pisses me off.

    1. flamingpdog

      Is the second law of thermodynamics in the Bible, or his other book, the Constitution? Why does it even apply to us?

  15. CalamityJames

    Oh good, in these dire economic times, its good to know we can still waste money on rating the performance of imaginary friends.

    1. flamingpdog

      "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
      - founding father Ben Franklin

      P.S. This quote, like many founding father quotes, is bogus.

  16. fartknocker

    I sometimes call out for God and Jesus when my gorgeous red-head wife and I have sex. Does that count?

    1. flamingpdog

      You have to call out for Mary, Mother of God, too. That's the Holy Trinity – in bed.

    2. GregComlish

      If I were you, I'd spend more time fucking my hot wife and less time bragging about fucking her on internet message boards.

  17. pinkocommi

    I'd like to have a word with God about why so many of his followers are ignorant, bigoted fools.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The fools are inevitable and mostly harmless (except on election day) … it's the ones actually working for the Devil you have to watch out for.

    1. MissusBarry

      My friend in Toronto indicated yesterday that they had a 120 heat index yesterday (she's kind and converted from C for the 'Murkins). Apparently, god has even forsaken Canada.

  18. LettucePrey

    Hurrah, the Texas Board of Education just approved scientifically accurate high school biology textbooks from mainstream publishers, and not the creationist "supplements."

    A victory for now, but they'll be back. Southern creationists are like rats crapping on the edges of human progress, civilization and englightenment.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    The action of God's that I most approve of was His decision, in His infinite wisdom, not to exist. Unfortunately there are tons of nonbelievers in the nonexistence of God who sully His non-memory by attributing all manner of horrible and buffoonish actions to Him. Were He to exist and find out about that, He'd be extremely annoyed — which is why he chose the path to serenity.

  20. MissTaken

    Raise of hand fellow Wonketteers: how many of you counted up the results to see if they surpassed 100%?

    Hint – the first question has 101% of responses!

  21. Indiepalin

    If God really exists, then why doesn't he intervene in the most important yet politically dysfuntional effort ever to grace His lovely plane of existence?. Every day that an agreement is not reached puts the country closer to economic and cultural ruin. Although I did hear this afternoon the that players and owners ARE close to an agreement…

  22. DahBoner

    Would't it be funny if all our prayers from the past 3 billion years were just piling up on God's answering machine?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I certainly hope most life before the Cambrian Explosion 560 million or so years ago didn't engage in prayer. If there's one advantage to being a single-cell life form (and there were some bacterial aggregations and possibly annelid-like creatures too) it should be not having the need to engage in such frivolity.

      I'd guess that prayer, which seems to have evolved from ritualized stimulus-response conditioning, probably came about when humans or their ancestors engaged in abstract thought, which could go back to two million years. It didn't become a widespread practice, though, until the invention of the back seat.

  23. ThundercatHo

    Yeah, but have you friended it on Facebook? Have you donate time/money to it's campaign? Do you think this poll is biased towards gender-neutral, invisible beings? Would you buy/read it's book?

    1. flamingpdog

      God's on Facebook? Does that mean that Zuckerman knows all the secrets of the universe?

  24. Callyson

    "There is a considerable age divide on God’s approval with those 18-29 approving 67-18 compared to a 40-6 approval rating among those over 65. What jumps out from this divide is not just that young voters are more likely to be critical of the job performance of the omnipotent figure, but that they are considerably more likely to voice their opinion. Only 15% of those 18-29 said they were unsure whether they approved of God, while 54% of those over 65 said they were unsure."
    Younguns are so persnickety…olds are so confused…must be intelligent design at work.
    "There is also an ideological divide over God’s performance. Those who identify as very liberal approve of God 54-18, while those who identify as very conservative are almost uniform in their approval, 61-4."
    Well, since the wingnuts have been having their way with almost everything as of late, the least they can do is be grateful to God. The rest of us are still praying and trying not to lose faith (if we still have it)…

  25. LetUsBray

    Unlike the president, God doesn't have to deal with a congress full of teabaggers, corporate ho-bags, morons, conservadems, and Joe fucking Lieberman. And the prez has still managed to get more shit done.

  26. BlueStateLibel

    God made the eyeballs in my head so that I can enjoy reading the Wonkette comments whilst enjoying a few beers, so I'm pretty much happy with him.

  27. ShaveTheWhales

    Jesus Crucking Feist, This is about the same as a poll where all the questions start: "If Michele Bachmann is not a psychopath,…".

  28. Negropolis

    If God exists, do you approve or disapprove of his handling of animals?

    Ummm…WTF?

    I'm not so bullish on God, but he has a pretty cool son, though, the crowd his son attracts is kind of unsavory and annoying as hell.

  29. Negropolis

    It's always god, god, god. What about the Holy Spirit? No respect, I tell ya'. The Holy Spirit don't get no respect.

  30. dottiestoy

    All you people s/b ashamed of yourselves for making your comments about God.
    How do you think all of intricate such as birth from a seed. Over and over.
    You all disgust me

  31. Angry_Marmot

    Holy Spirit's a sex fiend, bless Her/His/Its heart. Throwing a tantrum and destroying a city always gets more respect than sprinkling the Earth with ecstacy and roses.

  32. ttommyunger

    Polls go in, shit comes out, never a miscommunication. Now excuse me while I poll my dogs on the validity of String Theory.

  33. alensmithee

    Hey God, I have a question for you: How is it hanging? 1 thunderbolt = good, 2 thunderbolts = bad

  34. poncho_pilot

    "I think bundling reproductive functions into the same area as excretory functions pretty much proves God didn't really think this through."

    "tell me about it, " says David Vitter.

  35. Sue4466

    50% approve of God's handling of natural disasters. WTH does that mean? The tornadoes and floods are hitting the right towns? Good job taking out that small midwestern town God, yehaa!

  36. Doktor Zoom

    And you know how I perceived one of the most glorious events in the universe? With these ridiculous gelatinous orbs in my skull! With eyes designed to perceive only a tiny fraction of the EM spectrum. With ears designed only to hear vibrations in the air… want to see gamma rays! I want to hear X-rays! And I want to – I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to – I have to conceptualize complex ideas in this stupid limiting spoken language! But I know I want to reach out with something other than these prehensile paws!

    –Brother Cavil, who was also displeased with his Creators

  37. SorosBot

    And what's with all those elementary particles, anyway? All we need are the first generation particles, the good old electron, up and down quarks, and I guess neutrinos though they don't do all that much; none of those muons or strange and charmed quarks and the rest, much less the possible superparticles like selectrons and squarks.

    There's too many of those damned things, and they don't do anything useful, so what are they there for?

  38. HistoriCat

    Well you have the 25-30% who approve of anything God does. Then add in the assholes who think "just as long as it's not me" – say 15%. That leaves 5-10% who actively dislike the midwestern towns.

  39. Doktor Zoom

    and there's probably a fair percentage who are grateful that the Almighty elected not to smite them any worse. Like the "miraculous" survival of one person in a plane crash–bummer for all those unlucky sods who didn't get a miracle.

  40. Sue4466

    Thanks for the breakdown. Going to call you StatistiCat from now on. Just so you know.

  41. Sue4466

    Seriously, WTH with that kind of reasoning? I am always astounded at people who thank Jebus one person out of 100 survived as some proof of a miracle.

    "God heard our prayers! Hallelujah! And he said fuck you to the losers who died!"

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