somehow levi's fault

Grandma Palin Strikes Again, Knocks Up Newest Family Member

alaskans just love the sexingThere must be something in that Alaska soil that makes the young women there so fertile, at least the young women who spend a lot of time getting hammered and doing it, in said soil. America weeps this evening, because someone in the Palin family is apparently pregnant again. No, it is not Piper (yet), it is that girl Britta, who had a denim-themed wedding to Track Palin on top of a mountain back in May. But hey, May was not that long ago, and she looks pretty pregnant in these Facebook photos retrieved by Gawker. Oh no, Palins. Not again.

There are some photos of a girl named “Britta Pie” drowning in a swamp of pastel colors, on Facebook, which seems like an odd way for a Palin relative to announce a pregnancy, when isn’t that supposed to be some sort of “miracle” or “gift” or whatever?

Eldest child Track Palin married high school sweetheart Britta Hanson two months ago, and now we hear that Britta is pregnant. Britta looks to be several months along—perhaps more than two months?

Britta’s friends responded to the Facebook pictures with elation. But given the timing of Britta’s pregnancy, the happy couple may want to tell Sarah Palin to shut up the next time she champions abstinence-only education or Bristol sermonizes against extramarital sex, lest the conception of another Palin grandchild and the rationale behind another well-publicized Palin marriage fall into question.

There is only one possible explanation for this! The baby is Sarah’s, she just hates looking all pregnant when she’s on the teevee, squawking about things. What shall we name this new Palin child? So far we have come up with “Foot,” “Quit,” “Freight,” and “Plow.” [Gawker]

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  1. Barb

    "How many of your children are pregnant?"
    "Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years, Katie"

  2. Arken

    Well the kid may not be a bastard, but with Sarah as a grandmother, it might turn out to be one anyway.

  3. noodlesalad

    Ah, Britta, you have to change that filter every three months or this sort of thing happens.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Or if not actual marriage, a forced engagement, an US weekly re-engagement, then product of an accused rape. I suppose this is what strong 2 parent, one woman one man foundations look like. That's what kids need.

        1. Dudleydidwrong

          How much would you have to be paid to get involved with that clan of broken crankshafts? I mean, I'm broke, but prostitution is a higher calling than becoming part of that bunch.

    2. Terry

      It's a family tradition. Palin and her mother were both pregnant when they got married. Why let preaching absinence get in the way of you and yours having a good time?

  4. hagajim

    Plow Palin is no good…too much sexual innuendo. How about Hoe Palin, or maybe Hatchet Palin?

    1. tessiee

      "How about Hoe Palin"

      Considering how many hos are already in that family, I think it might cause confusion.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Gotta begin with "T"
      Twerp Palin
      Twat Palin
      'Toon Palin (note the apostrophe)
      Tubby Palin–challenges the FLOTUS' anti-obesity campaign

  5. Barb

    Sarah's mom was pregnant with her brother when she got married, Sarah was pregnant with Track when she got married, her sister was pregnant when she married the trooper, Bristol was unwed and pregnant and now this. Sarah, could you shut the fuck up now about your bullshit "family values?"

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Wouldn't it be grand if there were logic in this woman's head?

      Maybe if even a Sarah fan or two could shut the fuck up?

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Like pretty much everything else Republiklans want to force on you, it doesn't apply to them.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I should say, in the case of the Palins, "being a whore….". I apologize to all sluts out there. Let's face it, the Palin women all seem to be in it for the money.

  6. Callyson

    There must be something in that Alaska soil that makes the young women there so fertile
    Or, there is absolutely nothing else to do in Alaska…

    1. SorosBot

      That, and something about the education system that makes all the kids not know about the many simple ways to fuck and prevent pregnancy.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        What do you mean, Soros? All the Alaskids know that so long as you have sex standing up the girl can't get preggers. They're not stupid.

        1. riverside68

          My friend from Fairbanks said as long as you don't touch the tits you're okay.

          (That is why they prefer doggie style.)

  7. Beowoof

    Oh man she will be out more trying to grift more cash to help pay for another Palin. Sigh, is Fox Fantasy News still paying her?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Someone will put the whole revolting clan into a big house somewhere, and make a horrid reality TV show out of 'em that rivals Jersey Shore for brainlessness.

      They make Ozzie and his crew look like pretty decent role models.

  8. Mahousu

    Britta? Is this some sort of Alaska cargo cult, where the kids are all named after consumer goods? Perhaps they'll call the baby X-Box.

      1. flamingpdog

        If only Bristol had just been Levi's Innuendo 69, she'd still be footloose and fancy-free.

  9. Barb

    I just went to Sarah's twitter page to see if people were busting on her for this and I saw this:
    Did you hear they are doing a sequel to @SarahPalinUSA's "Undefeated"? It's called "Unattended".

          1. FannyBurney

            Aw, thanks, Conrad and Tommy; I appreciate it.

            So since Track's a fisherperson, why don't they just name the kid "Spawn"?

          2. FannyBurney

            I done did do you.

            Man, I'm losing pees faster than the P-girls lose their cherries.

          3. PristineODummy

            Oh, thanks. Trollster McTardibus is soitinly on a roll heah. Everywhere I go, I see trolldroppings.

  10. OC_Surf_Serf

    So why, again, are they complaining about insurance companies being forced to pass out contraception??

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        At least with such high breeding GOPers in the field, they can't get mad at the poors having them so much anymore.

      2. flamingpdog

        Whorey poor brown women who poop out baby after baby.

        Whorey poor white women who poop out baby after baby vote Rethuglican.


  11. poncho_pilot

    "What shall we name this new Palin child? So far we have come up with 'Foot,' 'Quit,' 'Freight,' and “Plow.''

    i 'd like to nominate Shipping Container Palin.

          1. BlueMonkeh

            ha ha – I've produced replacements for me and for my husband, but no more than that. Do not want to be outnumbered by ankle-biters.

    1. tessiee

      Paul Revere Palin for a boy and Painted Bus Palin for a girl.
      Or vice versa; it's all good.

    2. tcaalaw

      i 'd like to nominate Shipping Container Palin.

      Way too many syllables! How about Maersk Palin instead?

    3. PristineODummy

      Trap (or Trapp, or even Trappe, if you prefer)
      Turgid (sounds awfully high-class, if you're a Paylin)

        1. PristineODummy

          If she actually names him Herp Derp, we're going to have a no-holds-barred DRINKING game!

          1. poncho_pilot

            i could tell a story about Tramadol but it would make me sound like a bad person, sooo…Tramadol is a hell of a drug*.

            *in sufficient quantities. washed down with absinthe.

  12. OC_Surf_Serf

    “Britta Pie” Is that what the kids are calling mountain fresh poontang these days?

  13. iburl

    This is a great idea: A Book of Palin Baby Names (with horrific illustrations):


    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, shit!
      God DAMN it!
      Please, God, don't be two lines, don't be two lines, don'tbetwolines!!

    2. Fare la Volpe

      and Consensual – if it's a girl

      1. cheaphits

        I like "Crack" best –

        It's a great Palin name for either sex…crackers in bed…"I'm sooo horny I could fuck the crack of dawn"…crack-up and as these meth-heads have prospered, it speaks of their acsending the drug ladder to crack.

        So thanx Fare la Volpe.

    3. mourningnmerica

      Another Stupid
      Acid Wash
      Coke Zero (after Levi's Mom)
      I Promise

    4. mourningnmerica

      Interruptus (Please)
      Culligan (If it's a girl)

    5. Mumbletypeg

      These all would read like some bad magnetic poetry kit for Twitterers. Maybe a little more trailer trash thrown in:

      Duck Tape
      Dutch Klans'er
      Mountain Dew
      Hatch Back
      Bagga Donuts
      Winna Bago
      Winna Lottery
      Fayde Denym

    6. PristineODummy

      Drink (bound to be a winner)
      Tundra (in case they actually want something polysyllabic, or at least duosyllabic)
      Dang (why not?)
      Dung (totally!)
      Nig (rhymes with that other youngster)

  14. mavenmaven

    Well, we know what Britta will now make 35 thousand an hour speaking about, alongside Bristol!
    Thus, the baby should be named 'Abstinence' Palin. (perhaps the full name will be Faith Abstinence Palin, for the acronym).

    1. poncho_pilot

      ignorance is strength.
      freedom is slavery.
      drunken whorin' around is abstinence.

      fits the lunatic end of conservatism pretty well.

  15. LettucePrey

    Baby names I propose:

    – Rock
    – Blog
    – Sleet
    – Trax
    – Trix
    – Trux
    – Forklift
    – Buttafuoco

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Going with the Levi and Mercede Johnston family theme, I propse:


  16. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Putting "Britta Pie Track" into an anagram generator gives up some good baby names

    Bait Tart Picker Palin
    Rake Crap Titbit Palin

    and my favourite

    Rape Rack Titbit Palin

  17. rocktonsam

    this is good timing with the election coming up.
    more proof that the Palin's are just like regular Mericans

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Regular white Mericans. When blacks and Messicans do this they're irresponsible welfare queens.

  18. Barb

    From Bristol's book:

    Bristol recounts her older brother, Track, growing furious when overhearing on the phone what his sister had done with Johnston. Track allegedly stormed off to Johnston's house, seemingly determined to settle the matter violently.

    "Let's just say Track was an 'abstinence only' advocate……
    My guess is that he's not.

    1. SorosBot

      In a patriarchal family, a brother is expected to keep his sister a virgin while treating every non-family girl as a slut. Oh and cousins in the South.

      1. Negropolis

        That's right. Only he should be able to have sex with his sister. Rules is rules, after all.

    2. HistoriCat

      Oh come on – they're Republicans. It's always "do as I say, not as I do."

      Or maybe he was overcome by patriotism – he just loves this country so much.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            True, but that didn't stop Kermit Schafer from "recreating" it.

            Yeah, I'm that old…

  19. nonbeliever7

    Palin's press secretary is probably playing russian roulette while drinking a bottle of Jack.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      I would think that no one in that camp is self-aware enough to need the bottle that bad. On the other hand, maybe Jack and roulette is how the press secretaries are chosen?

        1. Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

          They need to do way instain mother> who kill thier babbys. becuse these babby cant frigth back? it was on the news this mroing a mother in ar who had kill her three kids. they are taking the three babby back to new york too lady to rest my pary are with the father who lost his children ; i am truley sorry for your lots

          This, my friends, is our Future.

        2. PristineODummy

          I've been tempted to marry all the fucking Wonketteers, myself. Even the nonfucking ones.

    1. PristineODummy

      Well, if you're a Palin, that's pretty obvs, no? Drink a lot of wine cooler on a camping trip.

  20. hollywooddood

    Being such an overabundant species, you'd think someone would tell the Palins about birth control.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Jeez, they're like deer in New Jersey.
      Someone ought to put steroids in the family salt lick.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Word is she is due in August. Three month pregnancy? On par with Sarah's Trig "pregnancy."

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          From the photo, I'd have taken October in the pool, if there were a pool.

          "October Surprise Palin"?

  21. FakaktaSouth

    Man, I usually like people who (want to/get to) have sex all the time. They even ruin that.

  22. Ken Cuccinelli

    I'll bet Newell's thanking his lucky stars he didn't have to do that story. I'm imagining his take on it, and it sounds a lot like Ken Layne.

  23. dogscantlookup

    No, it is not Piper (yet), it is that girl Britta
    nononononono that can't be her fucking name.
    Britta ant that a water fil… no no no
    time to quit life and become a hermit

  24. JustPixelz

    I child conceived in slavery had a better chance of married parents* than one to Sarah Palin's™ living issue.
    * Actually slave marriages were illegal. The 19th century version of DOMA. The TP'ers loooove the 19th century and original intent and states rights and all that crap. The political and cultural economy of slavery is part of the legacy they honor. Assholes.

    1. poncho_pilot

      now i just assume when i hear the term States' Rights that it is code for "slavery was alright".

    2. Crank_Tango

      Well, there's always the chance that there are no married black people right now, anywhere. Has anyone looked into that?

  25. ThundercatHo

    I suggest:

    Sploogie Pie (Girl)
    Lugnuts/Trucknutz (Twins)
    Illegitimate Bastard (Boy)
    Trapper and Skeeter (Twins)
    Rhythm Method(Girl)

    1. Barb

      Okay, Soros, it's time for a game of "who would you rather"
      Britta from "Community" or April from "Parks and Recreation"

  26. Nothingisamiss

    Do you think the gheys are the cause of this? What happens if we let those people marry?!

  27. wehojoel

    I'm betting the next Palin grandchild will be called Jatla. It's Inuit or Eskimos for "snow between your fingers or toes, or in groin-folds"

      1. PristineODummy

        Not me, but I heard today that "santorectum" is now in the Urban Dictionary. No, I didn't go check. You know what they say. Once you've had urban, there's no going back.

  28. tessiee

    Another Palin pregnant out of wedlock and/or at the altar?
    Good thing I was sitting down or I probably would have fainted from shock.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I do believe that Radiotherapy suggested this name when we were placing bets on her due date a couple of months back.

    2. PristineODummy

      Oooh. Now that's gonna be quite something to brag about, eh? Track and Field Palin. 'Course, Trick sounds pretty good from where I sit, too. Trick and Track.

  29. CalamityJames

    Lettuce just get to the point: the baby's name shall always be The Tard's Niece/Nephew.

  30. BarackMyWorld

    Cut to alternating footage of Sarah Palin saying her children are off limits/using them as political props.

  31. Negropolis

    These fuckers are like Gremlins, and I ain't talking about the shoddy automobiles. I told Alaska not to feed these snobillies after midnight! Grrr!

    So, let's play a game. Let's guess the name. I predict it'll be Trapp Palin, Trikk if it's a girl. Maybe, Wholotta Palin?

    1. Negropolis

      More names:

      TARP Palin
      Truly Palin
      Tundra Palin
      Tyson Chicken Palin
      Trichinosis Palin
      Thadd Palin
      Tedd Palin
      Fieldd & Streamm Palin
      Tawdry Palin
      Tottmom Palin

  32. LetUsBray

    A name like Frito or Brawndo or Ow, My Balls seems pretty inevitable at some point with that brood.

  33. ttommyunger

    Them Palins loves their nailin,
    They loves it long and hard,
    They keeps' a porkin through full term,
    That's why they gets a 'Tard.
    Wonder if the dreaded "Administrator" will catch this?
    We shall see.

        1. PristineODummy

          I've been wrathed a time or two, IIRC. Most recently, several genuinely smart-assed comments were removed tout-suite despite achieving near-genius levels of LOLlery.

          1. ttommyunger

            You know you have achieved a new low when you are censored by the Wonkette. Congratulations!

  34. user-of-owls

    What shall we name this new Palin child?

    Um, "Premature" would seem to work on a lot of levels of commitment, i.e., to abstinence, to fulfilling an elected term, to something approaching literacy, to acceptance of one's position as America's #1 Payaso, etc.

    So, please welcome to the USofA's First Family of Grifting…Preeee-em Palin!

    *clap, whoop, clap, howl, clap, 'oh shit, do I really have it?!?*

    1. CapeClod

      Given the longevity of the relationships of the Palin's offspring, I have a feeling the kid is going to be called "the bastard child of that blonde whore." Especially after she writes that tell-all article in US Magazine.

    1. PristineODummy

      Yup. All she has to do is open her mouth, and everyone around her seems to come up preggers.

    1. PristineODummy

      Choots had nothing to do with it. The REAL Pa is Trick or Track or Truck Palin.

    1. PristineODummy

      Only if you want the recipient to, you know, LIVE afterwards. Otherwise, it's pretty easy. BASS.

  35. SayItWithWookies

    Y'all just see the worst in all this don't you? If you were really and truly aware of what's going on, you'd know that The LORD so smiles down on the Palin family that He has blessed them with immaculate conception after immaculate conception. Not only have they not been fucking like bunnies, why most of them are still virgins. Now I'm sure those good people are awaiting your humble apology.

    1. CalamityJames

      Ummm, sorry, dear Palins, that you believe in a rapist God?

      Man, that was horrible.

      Dismiss the dear portion.

  36. peaceshelly

    Where the fuck is Trig?

    You know Sarah said she found out everything she could about Down's Syndrome when she found out little Trigger had it.

    Apparently she didn't delve to deeply into into the 'thinky brainy' stuff or she would have known the medical term for Down's is Trisomy G, or as doctor's abreviate it, Tri-G.
    Lazy ass Sarah probably quit half way thru the baby naming process, took one look at the doctor's note (or eskimo doula or whoever be so brave to see Sarah's nether-region) saw "Tri-G" and just said, 'ok…we'll name him Trig"

    Im guessing this one will Artic Cat or Slim Jim.

    1. PristineODummy

      "We name the child after the first thing the mother sees when she is delivering the babby. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

        1. PristineODummy

          Don't think so. I seem to recall everybody hooting and hollering at the Denim wedding, claiming that it had only occurred under duress.

    1. Radiotherapy®

      Yeah, but it snowed a few years ago in NYC which, along with an e-mail, disproved global climate change.

      1. SorosBot

        Meanwhile, the triple-digit temperatures throughout the East Coast and Midwest, to say nothing of the burning of the Southwest, is just a coincidence; move along, nothing to see here.

      1. PristineODummy

        Not to mention "attractive." The entire Palin clan looks like the zombies had already descended upon them and feasted to their hearts' content.

  37. SorosBot

    Oh god, I made the mistake of reading the comments; the actual Gawker-ers are all fine, but the whole thing has been taken over by an insane misogynist troll who claims that all single and/or childless women must hate themselves, talks to women like he is talking to a five-year-old, and thinks being an investment banker is something to brag about instead of something to be ashamed of.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Isn't that guy a twit? Among other things, he seems to have completely lost track of the fact that Brisket is not, after all, married.

      Oh and, he says he "works at an investment bank". That could mean a lot of things, of which "is an investment banker" is only one.

      1. SorosBot

        The flaming asshat actually wrote, "A woman without a man is like a car without a driver." At first, I thought he must be a parody, he's worse than any caricature of a condescending woman-hater I could come up with, but he kept going and going on and on.

        As a man, I want to smack the guy, hard and repeatedly; and think that if I were a woman I'd want to rip his balls off.

        1. finallyhappy

          A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. That was what we said in the 70s

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        He's probably the creepy janitor that makes everyone who works late just a bit uneasy.

        1. finallyhappy

          at one place I worked-the creepy janitor(or possibly the big boss- who knows- ) started taking dumps on the sweaters women would leave on the backs of our chairs. Someone would come in, find their sweater placed across the seat of their chair – and a turd in the middle.

    2. Steverino247

      Let's hope he's busted in the Investment Banker prostitution ring. That would be sweet.

  38. Isyaignert

    They're almost like Catholics, make more of them … whatever … make more damn it!!

  39. GhostBuggy

    This Britta woman, I'm sure she loves her husband. I'm sure he's probably okay, just a guy living his life, has this crazy-ass family. I don't know. But Britta, what do you suppose goes through her mind at night, in bed, when it's quiet?

    I've been with significant others with absolute batshit-crazy families that were not like their families. But do you suppose, in her most secret moments, her thoughts turn to Sarah, and the monstrous absurdity of the woman?

    1. Negropolis

      If you've ever read about Track, you know that the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. He may not be kept as close as Bristol was/is, but he's still a Palin in a very real way. I definitely wouldn't be too hard on him hasn't sought the spotlight, but he's not one of those rebellious black sheep that went off and became a liberal Democrat in spite of his family, either.

  40. gurukalehuru

    That boy Track sure seems to be making an awful lot of questionable life decisions which force his actions, you know what I mean? Anyway, good luck to the young couple. She is a looker.

  41. zhubajie

    Am I the only one who assumes that Track has NOT been preserving his vessel in purity, while in Iraq, land of hot-blooded women and temporary marriages? I still have suspicions that he has a Shi'a or Yezidi needing to be rescued when that helos-on-the-embassy-roof moment comes.

    1. PristineODummy

      Aren't the Yazidi so secretive about their religion that not even the Yazidi know who's Yazidi? Well, except for "the devil is in the lettuce" part, anyway.

  42. tomjothc

    America weeps this evening, because someone in the Palin family is apparently pregnant again. No, it is not Piper (yet), it is that girl Britta, who had a denim-themed wedding to Track Palin on top of a mountain back in May.
    Medical Marijuana Cards in Alaska

  43. Negropolis

    I'm kind of partial to…

    Mack Truck Palin
    Lou Sarah Palin
    Triptophan von Hohenzollern Palin
    Pax Ramona Palin
    McCain Palin
    Munniemayker Palin
    Mealtickette Palin
    Spite Palin
    The White Precious Palin

  44. libtardbot

    Submitted for your approval, in no particular order:
    Axe Palin
    Ratchet Palin
    Skid Palin
    Truck Palin
    Tank Palin
    Brick Palin
    Rock Palin
    Fist Palin
    Slab Palin
    Buff Palin
    Punt Palin
    Stab Palin
    Chop Palin
    Chuck Norris Palin

  45. comrad_darkness

    The more religious "conservative" you are, the younger your children are rutting like horny rabbits.

    Also: Can someone please tell the red state kids where babies come from. Thank you.

  46. El Pinche

    This story makes me want to drink wine coolers, drunkfuck semi-rxtxrded hillbillies, and have mentally challenged baby miracles to use as political props/human shields in which to base my TLC reality series on. I love real America.

  47. LaMareada

    Where is the media investigation on how Track Palin's stint in the military was the shortest of any enlistee for the past 10 years?

    The military isn't letting any able body leave after a year or two. In fact they're forcing seriously injured soldiers stay until their bodies and minds are completely collapsed. Probably some incident that any other soldier would be court martialled and locked in the brig for a long time.

    (BTW Track's best friend from Wasilla is on trial in Washington State this week for killing Afghan civilians, taking obscene photos with them, and collecting body parts.)

    1. Negropolis

      And, just our luck, he'll probably turn out to be Michael Reagan. Man, I hate that guy.

  48. horsedreamer_1

    Credit where due: at least Britta's parents look like they should be grandparents. Meanwhile, Sarah has only just hit 47, & she has (will have) two grandchildren.

  49. Redhead

    Can I point out that women don't START showing till usually their third or fourth month? Emphasis on start. In the Gawker pics, that girl looks about seven months preggers – and is that her at a baby shower (which is usually not held until around seven months at least, if not a couple weeks before the due date)?

    As for names, may I suggest Whoops, Dammit, IThoughtYouWerePullingOut and 99PercentEffectiveMyAss.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Except for the babbies. Look how much Bristlebutt has made off of little Tripp.

  50. MissTaken

    She's not pregnant in the picture. See, she's wearing a white jacket over her jeans, because she's a pure virgin. And that bouquet over her belly was not strategically placed to hide an ever-expanding belly, either. Nope, definitely not.

  51. PristineODummy

    The current partner would like to offer the following names for discussion:


    I would like to add


    Dingus Palin has quite the ring to it.

  52. Negropolis

    This is just too easy…

    Tractor Pull Palin
    Lot Lizard Palin
    Amendment Palin, II
    Slim Jim Palin
    Marie Antoinette Palin
    Excursion/Expedition/Escalade Palin

Comments are closed.