Grandma Palin Strikes Again, Knocks Up Newest Family Member

by Blair Burke 9:15 pm July 20, 2011

There must be something in that Alaska soil that makes the young women there so fertile, at least the young women who spend a lot of time getting hammered and doing it, in said soil. America weeps this evening, because someone in the Palin family is apparently pregnant again. No, it is not Piper (yet), it is that girl Britta, who had a denim-themed wedding to Track Palin on top of a mountain back in May. But hey, May was not that long ago, and she looks pretty pregnant in these Facebook photos retrieved by Gawker. Oh no, Palins. Not again.

There are some photos of a girl named “Britta Pie” drowning in a swamp of pastel colors, on Facebook, which seems like an odd way for a Palin relative to announce a pregnancy, when isn’t that supposed to be some sort of “miracle” or “gift” or whatever?

Eldest child Track Palin married high school sweetheart Britta Hanson two months ago, and now we hear that Britta is pregnant. Britta looks to be several months along—perhaps more than two months?

Britta’s friends responded to the Facebook pictures with elation. But given the timing of Britta’s pregnancy, the happy couple may want to tell Sarah Palin to shut up the next time she champions abstinence-only education or Bristol sermonizes against extramarital sex, lest the conception of another Palin grandchild and the rationale behind another well-publicized Palin marriage fall into question.

There is only one possible explanation for this! The baby is Sarah’s, she just hates looking all pregnant when she’s on the teevee, squawking about things. What shall we name this new Palin child? So far we have come up with “Foot,” “Quit,” “Freight,” and “Plow.” [Gawker]

355 comments 9527 Views

{ 355 comments }

Barb July 20, 2011 at 9:19 pm

"How many of your children are pregnant?"
"Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years, Katie"

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 9:50 pm: ^^^ that.
Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 10:15 pm: Ha!

Willow, you're next.
PalinPussyPower July 20, 2011 at 11:10 pm: It's that dang tricky "Gotcha Abstinence".

Arken July 20, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Well the kid may not be a bastard, but with Sarah as a grandmother, it might turn out to be one anyway.

outragedcitizen July 21, 2011 at 3:14 pm: Sarah's son, however, is a Son of a Bitch.

noodlesalad July 20, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Ah, Britta, you have to change that filter every three months or this sort of thing happens.

emmelemm July 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Win.

Nothingisamiss July 20, 2011 at 9:40 pm

win + 1.

dogscantlookup July 20, 2011 at 9:49 pm: Beat me to it

Radiotherapy® July 20, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Wait, I thought Palin didn't want the filter of the media.

ManchuCandidate July 20, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I wil be stunned if any of Palin's kids first kids are conceived after the marriage and not the CAUSE of said marriage.

FakaktaSouth July 20, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Or if not actual marriage, a forced engagement, an US weekly re-engagement, then product of an accused rape. I suppose this is what strong 2 parent, one woman one man foundations look like. That's what kids need.

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Would you marry a Palin for any other reason?

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Money?

Dudleydidwrong July 20, 2011 at 10:58 pm: How much would you have to be paid to get involved with that clan of broken crankshafts? I mean, I'm broke, but prostitution is a higher calling than becoming part of that bunch.

Terry July 21, 2011 at 9:14 am

It's a family tradition. Palin and her mother were both pregnant when they got married. Why let preaching absinence get in the way of you and yours having a good time?

Frost/Nixon/Robocop July 20, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Andrew Sullivan says the baby is his, somehow.

tribbzthesquidz July 20, 2011 at 11:27 pm: Where's the beard certificate?

hagajim July 20, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Plow Palin is no good…too much sexual innuendo. How about Hoe Palin, or maybe Hatchet Palin?

Boehneriffic July 20, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Twit Palin

dogscantlookup July 20, 2011 at 9:54 pm

uncious http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=un...
too polysyllabic?

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 9:56 pm

"How about Hoe Palin"

Considering how many hos are already in that family, I think it might cause confusion.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Snatch Palin? Sarah Palin, Jr.?

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Naelin Palin.

Dudleydidwrong July 20, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Gotta begin with "T"
Twerp Palin
Twat Palin
'Toon Palin (note the apostrophe)
Tubby Palin–challenges the FLOTUS' anti-obesity campaign

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 7:26 pm: For greater savoir faire, shouldn't that be "To'on" Palin?

CapeClod July 21, 2011 at 8:44 am

Date Rape Palin?

MrFizzy July 21, 2011 at 9:05 am

Humpit Palin

Barb July 20, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Sarah's mom was pregnant with her brother when she got married, Sarah was pregnant with Track when she got married, her sister was pregnant when she married the trooper, Bristol was unwed and pregnant and now this. Sarah, could you shut the fuck up now about your bullshit "family values?"

Nothingisamiss July 20, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Wouldn't it be grand if there were logic in this woman's head?

Maybe if even a Sarah fan or two could shut the fuck up?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 12:49 am

Like pretty much everything else Republiklans want to force on you, it doesn't apply to them.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 22, 2011 at 3:01 am

Wait, being a slut is not a family value?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 22, 2011 at 3:06 am: I should say, in the case of the Palins, "being a whore….". I apologize to all sluts out there. Let's face it, the Palin women all seem to be in it for the money.

Callyson July 20, 2011 at 9:23 pm

There must be something in that Alaska soil that makes the young women there so fertile
Or, there is absolutely nothing else to do in Alaska…

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 9:52 pm

That, and something about the education system that makes all the kids not know about the many simple ways to fuck and prevent pregnancy.

Fare la Volpe July 20, 2011 at 10:26 pm

What do you mean, Soros? All the Alaskids know that so long as you have sex standing up the girl can't get preggers. They're not stupid.

riverside68 July 21, 2011 at 8:35 am: My friend from Fairbanks said as long as you don't touch the tits you're okay.

(That is why they prefer doggie style.)

Terry July 21, 2011 at 9:15 am

Long, cold, dark, winter nights.

Beowoof July 20, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Oh man she will be out more trying to grift more cash to help pay for another Palin. Sigh, is Fox Fantasy News still paying her?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 12:53 am: Someone will put the whole revolting clan into a big house somewhere, and make a horrid reality TV show out of 'em that rivals Jersey Shore for brainlessness.

They make Ozzie and his crew look like pretty decent role models.

Mahousu July 20, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Britta? Is this some sort of Alaska cargo cult, where the kids are all named after consumer goods? Perhaps they'll call the baby X-Box.

Barb July 20, 2011 at 9:28 pm

No, Bristol is Levi's X-box, I'm just sayin'

Doktor Zoom July 20, 2011 at 9:51 pm

But first she was his PlayStation

dogscantlookup July 20, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Playstation

Doktor Zoom July 20, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Great minds, etc.

dogscantlookup July 20, 2011 at 10:15 pm: Fast thinker!

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Nintendo 69

Fare la Volpe July 20, 2011 at 10:27 pm

He had to stick his Wii in there first.

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 10:57 pm

If only Bristol had just been Levi's Innuendo 69, she'd still be footloose and fancy-free.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 22, 2011 at 3:03 am: But much, much poorer.

DangerHelvetica July 21, 2011 at 10:24 am

Neo Geo Pocket Color

I might have to rethink that one.

Barb July 20, 2011 at 9:26 pm

I just went to Sarah's twitter page to see if people were busting on her for this and I saw this:
Did you hear they are doing a sequel to @SarahPalinUSA's "Undefeated"? It's called "Unattended".

ttommyunger July 20, 2011 at 10:11 pm

"Unprotected"

Barb July 20, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Thanks for making me laugh until I snorted, Ttommy.

ttommyunger July 20, 2011 at 10:28 pm: Glad I can finally return the favor, Barb.

mourningnmerica July 20, 2011 at 10:49 pm

"Un Easy."

ttommyunger July 20, 2011 at 10:56 pm: Oh, they're easy, all right. That's part of the problem.

FannyBurney July 21, 2011 at 9:33 am

I don't think it was "The Unexpected," though.

ttommyunger July 21, 2011 at 12:32 pm

“Unreflected”

FannyBurney July 21, 2011 at 12:40 pm: Given that no birth control method was used, it was certainly "The Undeflected."

mourningnmerica July 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm

No, it's called "Not Easy".

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 11:04 pm

"The Big Easy" was already taken.

ChessieNefercat July 21, 2011 at 5:33 pm: By Levi.

SayItWithWookies July 20, 2011 at 11:59 pm

The Unplanned?

riverside68 July 21, 2011 at 8:37 am

Unwanted

OC_Surf_Serf July 20, 2011 at 9:27 pm

So why, again, are they complaining about insurance companies being forced to pass out contraception??

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 9:54 pm

And about whorey poor women who poop out baby after baby?

NorthStarSpanx July 20, 2011 at 11:03 pm: At least with such high breeding GOPers in the field, they can't get mad at the poors having them so much anymore.
flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 11:07 pm: Whorey poor brown women who poop out baby after baby.

Whorey poor white women who poop out baby after baby vote Rethuglican.

/corrected

poncho_pilot July 20, 2011 at 9:27 pm

"What shall we name this new Palin child? So far we have come up with 'Foot,' 'Quit,' 'Freight,' and “Plow.''

i 'd like to nominate Shipping Container Palin.

KenLayIsAlive July 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

I nominate "Tea Party Twitter Debate Palin".

What's the good word, ~~Tripp~~ ~~Truck~~ Track? (whatever)

poncho_pilot July 20, 2011 at 9:36 pm

i was always partial to Trug. maybe if i have a kid one day…

KenLayIsAlive July 20, 2011 at 9:39 pm

The fact that we aren't breeding and they are is bad news for… the future!

BlueMonkeh July 21, 2011 at 8:51 am: ha ha – I've produced replacements for me and for my husband, but no more than that. Do not want to be outnumbered by ankle-biters.

Crank_Tango July 20, 2011 at 10:30 pm

too soon!

techmom July 21, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I was always partial to the Seussian "Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate"

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Paul Revere Palin for a boy and Painted Bus Palin for a girl.
Or vice versa; it's all good.

dogscantlookup July 20, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Sleestak
or Morlock

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Or as a compromise, Sheetrock. (How much whiter can you get than that?)

poncho_pilot July 21, 2011 at 1:23 pm: i was gonna say Skeksis but Sheetrock is a fucking WIN!
justkillmenow July 21, 2011 at 5:07 pm: OMfuckingG that is hilarious!

tcaalaw July 21, 2011 at 8:25 am

i 'd like to nominate Shipping Container Palin.

Way too many syllables! How about Maersk Palin instead?

poncho_pilot July 21, 2011 at 1:25 pm: i like what you did there. Auger? Gimlet?

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Trap (or Trapp, or even Trappe, if you prefer)
Tricksy
Turgid (sounds awfully high-class, if you're a Paylin)
Truck
Twig
Twerp
Berp

poncho_pilot July 21, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Tripe
Trafalgar
Trode
Tram
Tarp
Tallboy

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 7:33 pm

If she actually names him Herp Derp, we're going to have a no-holds-barred DRINKING game!

trampndirtdown July 21, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Tramadol

poncho_pilot July 22, 2011 at 8:50 am: i could tell a story about Tramadol but it would make me sound like a bad person, sooo…Tramadol is a hell of a drug*.

*in sufficient quantities. washed down with absinthe.

ChessieNefercat July 21, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Filter?

poncho_pilot July 21, 2011 at 5:36 pm: Pfister Faucet?
trampndirtdown July 21, 2011 at 11:54 pm: How about Santorum, I heard it's on all young rebuplican's lips.

finallyhappy July 20, 2011 at 9:29 pm

maybe they can have the baby live on Bristol's show?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 12:56 am: Dropping an anchor baby in the lower 48? Can't we do anything to stop it?

OC_Surf_Serf July 20, 2011 at 9:29 pm

“Britta Pie” Is that what the kids are calling mountain fresh poontang these days?

iburl July 20, 2011 at 9:31 pm

This is a great idea: A Book of Palin Baby Names (with horrific illustrations):

Baybé
Calc
Wooster
Chug
Scroat
Sticker
Robble
Chaff
Drone

ManchuCandidate July 20, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Bartles
James
Wine Cooler

Jukesgrrl July 21, 2011 at 2:50 am: ZIma
FlyOverGirl July 22, 2011 at 10:51 am: Boone Hill

Nothingisamiss July 20, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Rabble
gobble
shepherd pie
boeing
hot dog
poontang
liebunatic

Doktor Zoom July 20, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Whoops!
Oh, shit!
God DAMN it!
Please, God, don't be two lines, don't be two lines, don'tbetwolines!!
Krull

__kth__ July 20, 2011 at 10:29 pm: pullout
icant

Rotundo_ July 20, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Grift
DeFrod
Chek
Prop
PAC
Bus
Jerky
Chunder
Hurl

the_problem_child July 20, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Why put in the effort? There's already a Palin Baby Name Generator.

Oh, shit. It died. http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html

Fare la Volpe July 20, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Kraft
Ankle
Burr
Astro
Tank
Tuck
Tick
Van
Crack
Flipper
Whoopwhoop
and Consensual – if it's a girl

Radiotherapy® July 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Talon
Tammany
Trick
Tamp
Twang
Twill
Twig
Toggle
Tuck
Tickle

mourningnmerica July 20, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Tick

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 11:27 pm: Spooooooon!
Radiotherapy® July 20, 2011 at 11:59 pm: Tock

cheaphits July 21, 2011 at 6:09 am

I like "Crack" best –

It's a great Palin name for either sex…crackers in bed…"I'm sooo horny I could fuck the crack of dawn"…crack-up and as these meth-heads have prospered, it speaks of their acsending the drug ladder to crack.

So thanx Fare la Volpe.

HistoriCat July 20, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Just the tip

mourningnmerica July 20, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Another Stupid
Field
Race
Alge
Fromp
Lee
Wrangler
Jordache
DKNY
Acid Wash
Coke Zero (after Levi's Mom)
Griftin
Oops
Illpullout
I Promise
Justthetip

mourningnmerica July 20, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Splooge
Boff
Pork
Slam
Diddle
Interruptus (Please)
Plow
Boots
A.D.C.
Grandbaby
Cream
Culligan (If it's a girl)

Radiotherapy® July 21, 2011 at 12:00 am

Regean
Regan
Raygun
Reagun

Isyaignert July 21, 2011 at 1:16 am: I'd give you a 1000 points if'in I could.

tribbzthesquidz July 20, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Tribbz

Radiotherapy® July 21, 2011 at 12:14 am

SorosBot July 21, 2011 at 12:28 am

Tribble

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:24 pm: Dribble.

Mumbletypeg July 21, 2011 at 5:17 am

These all would read like some bad magnetic poetry kit for Twitterers. Maybe a little more trailer trash thrown in:

Duck Tape
Dutch Klans'er
Mountain Dew
Hatch Back
Bagga Donuts
Winna Bago
Winna Lottery
Fayde Denym

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Drat
Drink (bound to be a winner)
Tundra (in case they actually want something polysyllabic, or at least duosyllabic)
Ting
Tang
Ding
Dang (why not?)
Dung (totally!)
Nig (rhymes with that other youngster)
Digge
Delve
Dwarrow
Beeves
Hoof
Howl

nonbeliever7 July 20, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Mr. Seagrams Cooler is one busy guy around the Palin household.

mavenmaven July 20, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Well, we know what Britta will now make 35 thousand an hour speaking about, alongside Bristol!
Thus, the baby should be named 'Abstinence' Palin. (perhaps the full name will be Faith Abstinence Palin, for the acronym).

poncho_pilot July 20, 2011 at 9:39 pm

ignorance is strength.
freedom is slavery.
drunken whorin' around is abstinence.

fits the lunatic end of conservatism pretty well.

Jukesgrrl July 21, 2011 at 2:53 am: Good list, but you forgot:
education is elitism
and Obama is Muslin.

Nothingisamiss July 20, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Faith Hope Uh-oh Abstinence Palin

mavenmaven July 21, 2011 at 12:29 am: Hey, that's really good!

LettucePrey July 20, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Baby names I propose:

- Rock
- Blog
- Sleet
- Trax
- Trix
- Trux
- Forklift
- Buttafuoco

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Punch Rockgroin?
Buff Drinklots?

Fare la Volpe July 20, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Going with the Levi and Mercede Johnston family theme, I propse:

Porsch
Abercromb
Toshib
Ferrar
BM

emmelemm July 21, 2011 at 12:13 am: Huh huh, you said BM.
PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:38 pm: I really, REALLY like BM.

MrFizzy July 21, 2011 at 9:03 am

Trunk

KenLayIsAlive July 20, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Yay. More Palins.

Kill me now.

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 11:13 pm: Short and not sweet for the win!
PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm: Let's not adust the balance in their favour quite so swiftly, eh?

Fukui_sanYesOta July 20, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Putting "Britta Pie Track" into an anagram generator gives up some good baby names

Bait Tart Picker Palin
Rake Crap Titbit Palin

and my favourite

Rape Rack Titbit Palin

Isyaignert July 21, 2011 at 1:17 am

You get exxxtra points for dewing yer homewerk.

WIDTAP July 21, 2011 at 3:04 pm: Why do these names all sound like Yosemite Sam cussing when you say it?

nounverb911 July 20, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Do legitimate grandchildren have seniority over illegitimate ones?

CalamityJames July 20, 2011 at 10:02 pm: Trick question. One of those does not exist in the Palin klan.
Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 10:23 pm: I laughed so hard at that, I sprained a kidney.

nounverb911 July 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Did Bristol give Britta a “Bristol Meth” franchise as a baby shower gift?

rocktonsam July 20, 2011 at 9:35 pm

this is good timing with the election coming up.
more proof that the Palin's are just like regular Mericans

Fare la Volpe July 20, 2011 at 10:28 pm: Regular white Mericans. When blacks and Messicans do this they're irresponsible welfare queens.

Barb July 20, 2011 at 9:36 pm

From Bristol's book:

Bristol recounts her older brother, Track, growing furious when overhearing on the phone what his sister had done with Johnston. Track allegedly stormed off to Johnston's house, seemingly determined to settle the matter violently.

"Let's just say Track was an 'abstinence only' advocate……
———————————-
My guess is that he's not.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 9:55 pm

In a patriarchal family, a brother is expected to keep his sister a virgin while treating every non-family girl as a slut. Oh and cousins in the South.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 10:25 pm

That's right. Only he should be able to have sex with his sister. Rules is rules, after all.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 1:03 am: More like guidelines.

HistoriCat July 20, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Oh come on – they're Republicans. It's always "do as I say, not as I do."

Or maybe he was overcome by patriotism – he just loves this country so much.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 1:03 am

"I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth every now and then."

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Groucho (supposedly) never said that.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm: True, but that didn't stop Kermit Schafer from "recreating" it.

Yeah, I'm that old…

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 22, 2011 at 12:42 am

Dear God, you (someone?) read the book?

nonbeliever7 July 20, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Palin's press secretary is probably playing russian roulette while drinking a bottle of Jack.

Nothingisamiss July 20, 2011 at 9:47 pm: I would think that no one in that camp is self-aware enough to need the bottle that bad. On the other hand, maybe Jack and roulette is how the press secretaries are chosen?
prommie July 20, 2011 at 9:58 pm: Thats sounding like a good idea, from here.

dogscantlookup July 20, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Breed Ghost daddy, breed!!1

the_problem_child July 20, 2011 at 9:39 pm

How is babby made?

KenLayIsAlive July 20, 2011 at 9:48 pm

1. Get a Palin
2. Get a not Palin (we can hope)
3. ???
4. Babby

emmelemm July 20, 2011 at 10:02 pm

We don't know what the ??? is because it happens inside the tent.

KenLayIsAlive July 20, 2011 at 10:09 pm: A tent, a snowmobile, two wine coolers and Bristol's tits: That's known as the Alaskan six pack.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 10:28 pm

How'd it get der? Penis goes in; baby comes out. Never a missed communication

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Fuckin' fucking: how does it work?

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] July 20, 2011 at 11:36 pm: I'm sure Trollscience has it figured out. And it probably involves magnets. U jelly, Abstinencefags?

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] July 20, 2011 at 10:45 pm

how girl get pragnet?

CalamityJames July 20, 2011 at 11:21 pm

That's it, it's all over. I love every single one of you.

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] July 20, 2011 at 11:34 pm

They need to do way instain mother> who kill thier babbys. becuse these babby cant frigth back? it was on the news this mroing a mother in ar who had kill her three kids. they are taking the three babby back to new york too lady to rest my pary are with the father who lost his children ; i am truley sorry for your lots

This, my friends, is our Future.

Jukesgrrl July 21, 2011 at 2:58 am: The raft of God is gonna come down on yew.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I've been tempted to marry all the fucking Wonketteers, myself. Even the nonfucking ones.

CalamityJames July 22, 2011 at 3:14 am: So you're saying I have a chance?

HamsterSandwich July 21, 2011 at 10:50 am

This might help answer your question (NSFW): http://i.imgur.com/APffl.gif

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:46 pm: That was SO good. Mmm-mmm disgusting.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Well, if you're a Palin, that's pretty obvs, no? Drink a lot of wine cooler on a camping trip.

hollywooddood July 20, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Being such an overabundant species, you'd think someone would tell the Palins about birth control.

poncho_pilot July 20, 2011 at 9:46 pm

genus specious.

poncho_pilot July 20, 2011 at 9:49 pm

or:

homo sapiens saccularius

Crank_Tango July 20, 2011 at 10:37 pm

teh world needz moar trigz!!!

Isyaignert July 21, 2011 at 1:19 am: ' kna. Luv me some Don Knotts. Last of the Red Hottt Luvvhas.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 1:19 am

Jeez, they're like deer in New Jersey.
Someone ought to put steroids in the family salt lick.

KenLayIsAlive July 20, 2011 at 9:40 pm

It's really not wise to announce these things too early, unless you have a mason jar handy.

Nothingisamiss July 20, 2011 at 9:59 pm

When you see the gawker picture, you realize it's not all that early.

NorthStarSpanx July 20, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Word is she is due in August. Three month pregnancy? On par with Sarah's Trig "pregnancy."

ShaveTheWhales July 21, 2011 at 12:44 am: From the photo, I'd have taken October in the pool, if there were a pool.

"October Surprise Palin"?

FakaktaSouth July 20, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Man, I usually like people who (want to/get to) have sex all the time. They even ruin that.

Ken Cuccinelli July 20, 2011 at 9:41 pm

I'll bet Newell's thanking his lucky stars he didn't have to do that story. I'm imagining his take on it, and it sounds a lot like Ken Layne.

dogscantlookup July 20, 2011 at 9:43 pm

No, it is not Piper (yet), it is that girl Britta
nononononono that can't be her fucking name.
Britta ant that a water fil… no no no
time to quit life and become a hermit

Doktor Zoom July 20, 2011 at 9:58 pm

"Hermit" was their maid of honor.

Mumbletypeg July 20, 2011 at 11:34 pm: Won me.

x111e7thst July 20, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Plow. Because of the handy methamphetamine reference.
(Speed-the-Plow )

JustPixelz July 20, 2011 at 9:45 pm

I child conceived in slavery had a better chance of married parents* than one to Sarah Palin's™ living issue.
_____________
* Actually slave marriages were illegal. The 19th century version of DOMA. The TP'ers loooove the 19th century and original intent and states rights and all that crap. The political and cultural economy of slavery is part of the legacy they honor. Assholes.

poncho_pilot July 20, 2011 at 9:51 pm: now i just assume when i hear the term States' Rights that it is code for "slavery was alright".
Crank_Tango July 20, 2011 at 10:38 pm: Well, there's always the chance that there are no married black people right now, anywhere. Has anyone looked into that?

Come here a minute July 20, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Pur.

Jukesgrrl July 21, 2011 at 3:00 am: Ha!

ThundercatHo July 20, 2011 at 9:48 pm

I suggest:

Sploogie Pie (Girl)
Algebra
Lugnuts/Trucknutz (Twins)
Illegitimate Bastard (Boy)
Trapper and Skeeter (Twins)
Pullout
Rhythm Method(Girl)

Crank_Tango July 20, 2011 at 10:39 pm

I am thinking more like creampie.

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 11:22 pm: Rupert Creampie if it'z a boy.
PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:50 pm: Britta Pie and her daughter, Creeme.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 9:57 pm

If Track's relationship goes as well as his sister's, it won't be too long before he's singing this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bv5XlcdAyoM&fe...

Barb July 20, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Okay, Soros, it's time for a game of "who would you rather"
Britta from "Community" or April from "Parks and Recreation"

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 10:21 pm: As the characters? Britta. But both Annie/Anns would come first.

Nothingisamiss July 20, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Do you think the gheys are the cause of this? What happens if we let those people marry?!

OneYieldRegular July 20, 2011 at 9:59 pm

I find all this heterosexual marriage stuff totally offensive.

Goonemeritus July 20, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Mazel Tov!

prommie July 20, 2011 at 10:00 pm

How about "Puck?"

nounverb911 July 20, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Too Shakespearean.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 10:46 pm: They'd name him after the Real World dude.

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 11:25 pm

"Puck Ewe" if it's a girl.

comrad_darkness July 21, 2011 at 9:37 am

IceRink Palin

HistoriCat July 21, 2011 at 10:19 am

Zamboni.

outragedcitizen July 21, 2011 at 3:20 pm

How about 'Fuck'? I mean, Fuck Palin has a nice ring to it. What too subtle?

wehojoel July 20, 2011 at 10:01 pm

I'm betting the next Palin grandchild will be called Jatla. It's Inuit or Eskimos for "snow between your fingers or toes, or in groin-folds"

LakeLucilleLoon July 20, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Snow is like sand up here, it gets everywhere.

flamingpdog July 21, 2011 at 12:47 am

Do you know Inuit for "Santorum" is?

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:52 pm: Not me, but I heard today that "santorectum" is now in the Urban Dictionary. No, I didn't go check. You know what they say. Once you've had urban, there's no going back.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Another Palin pregnant out of wedlock and/or at the altar?
Good thing I was sitting down or I probably would have fainted from shock.

prommie July 20, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Rink?

prommie July 20, 2011 at 10:06 pm

If its a son, how could Track not name his boy "Field?"

anniegetyerfun July 21, 2011 at 1:53 am: I do believe that Radiotherapy suggested this name when we were placing bets on her due date a couple of months back.
PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:54 pm: Oooh. Now that's gonna be quite something to brag about, eh? Track and Field Palin. 'Course, Trick sounds pretty good from where I sit, too. Trick and Track.

Doktor Zoom July 20, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Plausible Deniability Palin

CalamityJames July 20, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Lettuce just get to the point: the baby's name shall always be The Tard's Niece/Nephew.

BarackMyWorld July 20, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Cut to alternating footage of Sarah Palin saying her children are off limits/using them as political props.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 10:14 pm

These fuckers are like Gremlins, and I ain't talking about the shoddy automobiles. I told Alaska not to feed these snobillies after midnight! Grrr!

So, let's play a game. Let's guess the name. I predict it'll be Trapp Palin, Trikk if it's a girl. Maybe, Wholotta Palin?

Negropolis July 21, 2011 at 3:19 am: More names:

TARP Palin
Truly Palin
Tundra Palin
Tyson Chicken Palin
Trichinosis Palin
Thadd Palin
Tedd Palin
Fieldd & Streamm Palin
Tawdry Palin
Tottmom Palin
…
DashboardBuddha July 21, 2011 at 8:02 am: And if he's a Led Zepplin fan, Wholotta Love Palin
PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 7:43 pm: I thought that last would be spelled without the "W."

LetUsBray July 20, 2011 at 10:18 pm

A name like Frito or Brawndo or Ow, My Balls seems pretty inevitable at some point with that brood.

ttommyunger July 20, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Them Palins loves their nailin,
They loves it long and hard,
They keeps' a porkin through full term,
That's why they gets a 'Tard.
Wonder if the dreaded "Administrator" will catch this?
We shall see.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Oh, that's JUICY, Ttommy. I'm copying it so we can reissue it periodically.

ttommyunger July 21, 2011 at 5:56 pm

You risk the wrath of the Dreaded Administrator, Pris.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 7:44 pm

I've been wrathed a time or two, IIRC. Most recently, several genuinely smart-assed comments were removed tout-suite despite achieving near-genius levels of LOLlery.

ttommyunger July 21, 2011 at 10:06 pm: You know you have achieved a new low when you are censored by the Wonkette. Congratulations!

rocktonsam July 20, 2011 at 10:29 pm

so Trig will be an uncle

SayItWithWookies July 20, 2011 at 11:22 pm: …which is still not as fucked up as Sarah being a governor.
zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 5:43 am: Soon he'll be singing "I'm my own grampa"!

imissopus July 20, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Bristol was just off-camera pointing the shotgun at her brother.

user-of-owls July 20, 2011 at 10:41 pm

What shall we name this new Palin child?

Um, "Premature" would seem to work on a lot of levels of commitment, i.e., to abstinence, to fulfilling an elected term, to something approaching literacy, to acceptance of one's position as America's #1 Payaso, etc.

So, please welcome to the USofA's First Family of Grifting…Preeee-em Palin!

*clap, whoop, clap, howl, clap, 'oh shit, do I really have it?!?*

CapeClod July 21, 2011 at 8:53 am: Given the longevity of the relationships of the Palin's offspring, I have a feeling the kid is going to be called "the bastard child of that blonde whore." Especially after she writes that tell-all article in US Magazine.

FannyBurney July 20, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Damn, Bristol certainly is an effective spokesperson for abstinence, isn't she?

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 10:44 pm: Yup. All she has to do is open her mouth, and everyone around her seems to come up preggers.

Radiotherapy® July 20, 2011 at 10:50 pm

News Flash:
The Palin's Fuck Like Pigs

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 11:31 pm: Piggyback?

NorthStarSpanx July 20, 2011 at 11:04 pm

This one's coming out of the choots-pa.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm: Choots had nothing to do with it. The REAL Pa is Trick or Track or Truck Palin.

Rarian Rakista July 20, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Shotgun abortion still a tricky shot.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 10:11 pm: Only if you want the recipient to, you know, LIVE afterwards. Otherwise, it's pretty easy. BASS.

mourningnmerica July 20, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Mommy, why am I older than Uncle Tork?

DerrickWildcat July 20, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I'm happy for them!

Negropolis July 21, 2011 at 3:04 am: Aren't you just special?

SayItWithWookies July 20, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Y'all just see the worst in all this don't you? If you were really and truly aware of what's going on, you'd know that The LORD so smiles down on the Palin family that He has blessed them with immaculate conception after immaculate conception. Not only have they not been fucking like bunnies, why most of them are still virgins. Now I'm sure those good people are awaiting your humble apology.

CalamityJames July 20, 2011 at 11:27 pm: Ummm, sorry, dear Palins, that you believe in a rapist God?

Man, that was horrible.

Dismiss the dear portion.
Radiotherapy® July 20, 2011 at 11:37 pm: Tie this in with the 9/11, and we've got an existential story for the ages.

peaceshelly July 20, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Where the fuck is Trig?

You know Sarah said she found out everything she could about Down's Syndrome when she found out little Trigger had it.

Apparently she didn't delve to deeply into into the 'thinky brainy' stuff or she would have known the medical term for Down's is Trisomy G, or as doctor's abreviate it, Tri-G.
Lazy ass Sarah probably quit half way thru the baby naming process, took one look at the doctor's note (or eskimo doula or whoever be so brave to see Sarah's nether-region) saw "Tri-G" and just said, 'ok…we'll name him Trig"

Im guessing this one will Artic Cat or Slim Jim.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 4:00 pm: "We name the child after the first thing the mother sees when she is delivering the babby. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

peaceshelly July 20, 2011 at 11:47 pm

When I saw the pics of the "wedding" back in May, I expected this.

flamingpdog July 21, 2011 at 12:51 am

Even before I saw the pics, I expected this.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 1:25 am

Is there anybody anywhere who didn't expect this?

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 10:47 pm: Don't think so. I seem to recall everybody hooting and hollering at the Denim wedding, claiming that it had only occurred under duress.

fuflans July 20, 2011 at 11:53 pm

hot as hell in america who gives a shit.

Radiotherapy® July 20, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Yeah, but it snowed a few years ago in NYC which, along with an e-mail, disproved global climate change.

SorosBot July 21, 2011 at 12:29 am: Meanwhile, the triple-digit temperatures throughout the East Coast and Midwest, to say nothing of the burning of the Southwest, is just a coincidence; move along, nothing to see here.

Nostrildamus July 21, 2011 at 12:17 am

I blame Obama.

fuflans July 21, 2011 at 12:21 am

yup me too.

finallyhappy July 21, 2011 at 8:02 am

If he was to blame, the baby might have a chance of being intelligent

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 4:01 pm: Not to mention "attractive." The entire Palin clan looks like the zombies had already descended upon them and feasted to their hearts' content.

fuflans July 21, 2011 at 12:23 am

these fucking people.

Nostrildamus July 21, 2011 at 12:27 am

There must be something in the Alaska water. I'm guessing sperm.

nonbeliever7 July 21, 2011 at 8:27 am: Beautiful, I'm wiping mtn dew off my desk.

SudsMcKenzie July 21, 2011 at 12:27 am

Brit + Levi = Jordash

SorosBot July 21, 2011 at 12:39 am

Oh god, I made the mistake of reading the comments; the actual Gawker-ers are all fine, but the whole thing has been taken over by an insane misogynist troll who claims that all single and/or childless women must hate themselves, talks to women like he is talking to a five-year-old, and thinks being an investment banker is something to brag about instead of something to be ashamed of.

flamingpdog July 21, 2011 at 12:53 am

I think I know this guy – had to block him on Facebook.

ShaveTheWhales July 21, 2011 at 12:59 am

Isn't that guy a twit? Among other things, he seems to have completely lost track of the fact that Brisket is not, after all, married.

Oh and, he says he "works at an investment bank". That could mean a lot of things, of which "is an investment banker" is only one.

SorosBot July 21, 2011 at 1:24 am

The flaming asshat actually wrote, "A woman without a man is like a car without a driver." At first, I thought he must be a parody, he's worse than any caricature of a condescending woman-hater I could come up with, but he kept going and going on and on.

As a man, I want to smack the guy, hard and repeatedly; and think that if I were a woman I'd want to rip his balls off.

finallyhappy July 21, 2011 at 8:03 am: A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. That was what we said in the 70s
zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:32 pm: I'd guess he's a man without a woman

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 1:27 am

He's probably the creepy janitor that makes everyone who works late just a bit uneasy.

finallyhappy July 21, 2011 at 8:05 am: at one place I worked-the creepy janitor(or possibly the big boss- who knows- ) started taking dumps on the sweaters women would leave on the backs of our chairs. Someone would come in, find their sweater placed across the seat of their chair – and a turd in the middle.

Steverino247 July 21, 2011 at 1:06 am

Let's hope he's busted in the Investment Banker prostitution ring. That would be sweet.

Chet Kincaid July 21, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Yet another reason why Wonkette is the only place worth commenting in the Whole Wide Web.

Isyaignert July 21, 2011 at 1:10 am

They're almost like Catholics, make more of them … whatever … make more damn it!!

MozakiBlocks July 21, 2011 at 1:17 am

How about "Fornicate Palin"?

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 4:03 pm: tl;dr
comrad_darkness July 21, 2011 at 6:59 pm: The Palins would never agree to truth in advertising.

FlipOffResearch July 21, 2011 at 1:28 am

May I suggest Abstinence Blanket Palin?

BTW, "abstinence blanket" is my new official term for come rag.

GhostBuggy July 21, 2011 at 1:29 am

This Britta woman, I'm sure she loves her husband. I'm sure he's probably okay, just a guy living his life, has this crazy-ass family. I don't know. But Britta, what do you suppose goes through her mind at night, in bed, when it's quiet?

I've been with significant others with absolute batshit-crazy families that were not like their families. But do you suppose, in her most secret moments, her thoughts turn to Sarah, and the monstrous absurdity of the woman?

Negropolis July 21, 2011 at 3:14 am: If you've ever read about Track, you know that the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. He may not be kept as close as Bristol was/is, but he's still a Palin in a very real way. I definitely wouldn't be too hard on him hasn't sought the spotlight, but he's not one of those rebellious black sheep that went off and became a liberal Democrat in spite of his family, either.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 21, 2011 at 1:31 am

How about Makin?

So someday, someone can introduce Makin Palin to Failin Bacon.

3_Piece_Suet July 21, 2011 at 2:35 am

Who knew the Palins were Mexican??

Negropolis July 21, 2011 at 3:15 am: You should be punished for that avatar.

gurukalehuru July 21, 2011 at 2:37 am

That boy Track sure seems to be making an awful lot of questionable life decisions which force his actions, you know what I mean? Anyway, good luck to the young couple. She is a looker.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 2:47 am

Twins! Name them Yukon and Jack!

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 2:58 am

Am I the only one who assumes that Track has NOT been preserving his vessel in purity, while in Iraq, land of hot-blooded women and temporary marriages? I still have suspicions that he has a Shi'a or Yezidi needing to be rescued when that helos-on-the-embassy-roof moment comes.

HistoriCat July 21, 2011 at 10:24 am

Miss Baghdad – coming to Broadway in 20 or 30 years.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Aren't the Yazidi so secretive about their religion that not even the Yazidi know who's Yazidi? Well, except for "the devil is in the lettuce" part, anyway.

zhubajie July 24, 2011 at 7:31 am: >

PuglyDoRight July 21, 2011 at 4:56 am

I like Quiff Palin, but I suppose it depends on whether it's a boy or girl.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 5:44 am

So, which Palins have NOT been knocked up?

Poindexter718 July 21, 2011 at 6:20 am

Have ya thought about "Skillet?" Skillet's a nice name…

tomjothc July 21, 2011 at 6:30 am

America weeps this evening, because someone in the Palin family is apparently pregnant again. No, it is not Piper (yet), it is that girl Britta, who had a denim-themed wedding to Track Palin on top of a mountain back in May.
Medical Marijuana Cards in Alaska

bflrtsplk July 21, 2011 at 6:41 am

Let's see. What rhymes with Track? How abooouuut – Crack Palin?

Negropolis July 21, 2011 at 8:01 am

I'm kind of partial to…

Mack Truck Palin
Lou Sarah Palin
Triptophan von Hohenzollern Palin
Pax Ramona Palin
McCain Palin
Munniemayker Palin
Mealtickette Palin
Spite Palin
The White Precious Palin

PubOption July 21, 2011 at 9:00 am

Spite is certainly an apt name for a Palin.

Negropolis July 21, 2011 at 10:29 pm: As is Envy, Greed, Sloth, Vainglory, Pride, etc…

DashboardBuddha July 21, 2011 at 8:04 am

Skidder* Palin

*It's a logging thing.

Angry_Marmot July 21, 2011 at 8:43 am

Also a laundry thing.

DashboardBuddha July 21, 2011 at 9:42 am

Are you referring to Sergent's Stripes?

ChessieNefercat July 21, 2011 at 5:46 pm: Also an alien thing. Yes, I watched "Falling Skies." (hangs head)

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I suspect I know the makeup of those "logs" more intimately than I want to.

MrFizzy July 21, 2011 at 9:03 am

would someone please put a cork in these people?

libtardbot July 21, 2011 at 9:28 am

Submitted for your approval, in no particular order:
Axe Palin
Ratchet Palin
Skid Palin
Truck Palin
Tank Palin
Brick Palin
Rock Palin
Fist Palin
Slab Palin
Buff Palin
Punt Palin
Stab Palin
Chop Palin
Chuck Norris Palin

El Pinche July 21, 2011 at 11:39 am: Kunt Seagram Palin
PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 4:07 pm: I really like Punt, but you might need a different consonant there.

comrad_darkness July 21, 2011 at 9:35 am

The more religious "conservative" you are, the younger your children are rutting like horny rabbits.

Also: Can someone please tell the red state kids where babies come from. Thank you.

Sharkey July 21, 2011 at 10:18 am

Kristol Palin. Why not?

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 4:07 pm: Middle name "Meth"?

GortRay July 21, 2011 at 11:26 am

I like Crud, Turd or Stool as future Palin spawn names.

El Pinche July 21, 2011 at 11:37 am

This story makes me want to drink wine coolers, drunkfuck semi-rxtxrded hillbillies, and have mentally challenged baby miracles to use as political props/human shields in which to base my TLC reality series on. I love real America.

ChessieNefercat July 21, 2011 at 5:48 pm: I read that too quickly and saw "human windshields." She would, wouldn't she?

LaMareada July 21, 2011 at 11:46 am

Where is the media investigation on how Track Palin's stint in the military was the shortest of any enlistee for the past 10 years?

The military isn't letting any able body leave after a year or two. In fact they're forcing seriously injured soldiers stay until their bodies and minds are completely collapsed. Probably some incident that any other soldier would be court martialled and locked in the brig for a long time.

(BTW Track's best friend from Wasilla is on trial in Washington State this week for killing Afghan civilians, taking obscene photos with them, and collecting body parts.)

squirmisher July 21, 2011 at 12:00 pm

We can only hope that this child turns into the Ron Reagan Jr. of the Palin clan.

Negropolis July 21, 2011 at 10:31 pm: And, just our luck, he'll probably turn out to be Michael Reagan. Man, I hate that guy.

horsedreamer_1 July 21, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Credit where due: at least Britta's parents look like they should be grandparents. Meanwhile, Sarah has only just hit 47, & she has (will have) two grandchildren.

Redhead July 21, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Can I point out that women don't START showing till usually their third or fourth month? Emphasis on start. In the Gawker pics, that girl looks about seven months preggers – and is that her at a baby shower (which is usually not held until around seven months at least, if not a couple weeks before the due date)?

As for names, may I suggest Whoops, Dammit, IThoughtYouWerePullingOut and 99PercentEffectiveMyAss.

franco_pinyon July 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Like minks. These people are like minks. Except not cute.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Also, their pelts aren't worth as much.

ChessieNefercat July 21, 2011 at 5:50 pm: Except for the babbies. Look how much Bristlebutt has made off of little Tripp.

MissTaken July 21, 2011 at 2:39 pm

She's not pregnant in the picture. See, she's wearing a white jacket over her jeans, because she's a pure virgin. And that bouquet over her belly was not strategically placed to hide an ever-expanding belly, either. Nope, definitely not.

ChessieNefercat July 21, 2011 at 5:40 pm