good luck with that

Wannabe Prez McCotter Reveals Five Principles of Nonsense

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sweet lullaby of freedomUnloved reject Thaddeus McCotter is still, for some reason, trying to become president in 2012. He thought he was being super cool, revealing his plans at a “rock festival in Michigan,” also known as the Romeo Area Tea Party Freedom Fest, which is sort of like the exact opposite of a rock festival, happening out in the middle of nowhere. He admitted that his biggest strength as a presidential candidate is that no one has heard of him, which, well, he has a point there. But now maybe he is starting to feel left out of the unstoppable Orgy of Insanity that is the barf puddle of GOP candidates, because he is about to unleash his crazy on us at last!

Thaddeus was just in Iowa the other day looking at flood damage when he thought, “This would be a good time to begin my rapid spiral toward defeat.”

McCotter outlined five core principles to the audience:
– Liberty is from God, not the government.
– Our sovereignty is in our souls, not a senator or king.
– Security is from strength, not surrender.
– Prosperity is from the private sector, not the public sector.
– Truths are self-evident, not relative.

So, let’s see here. God came down to Earth in 1865 (with Moses, probably) and freed the slaves, and then every person in the “United States” became an actual individual country, because of the sovereignty in everyone’s soul, and then we secured the borders and kicked out the King, the end? Okay!

“As I like to tell my liberal friends, and I do have some … if you have any problems with these five principles, you can take it up with the founders,” McCotter said.

HA HA, that is a joke, because the founders are DEAD, which really works in McCotter’s favor because they probably would have no interest in defending these “core principles.” Thaddeus McCotter, for your own safety, please go away before Michele Bachmann gets a migraine from your words and orders her thugs to tickle you to death. [Des Moines Register]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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Comments

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  • http://www.burndownblog.com evan7257

    "Liberty is from God, not the government"
    OK, but I don't think that argument will work in court. Otherwise being a lawyer would require going to theology school rather than law school. And either way, it is a waste of time.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      "God told me to do it" is sometimes good grounds for an insanity defense.

      • http://www.burndownblog.com evan7257

        Depends: M'Naughten or MPC statute?

        • Beowoof

          Thad seems to qualify under both.

        • BerkeleyBear

          Somebody's studying for a bar exam.

          • http://www.burndownblog.com evan7257

            10 points to Gryffindor!

      • poncho_pilot

        "Dog told me to do it" on the other hand…

        • Callyson

          I always listen to what my dog tells me to do. I'm a better person for it.

          • poncho_pilot

            i have cats, myself. they can't be trusted.

          • HistoriCat

            Damn right.

          • emmelemm

            How'd that work out for Son of Sam?

            (I kid, I kid. I love my dog and would rather listen to him than just about anyone else.)

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      If your liberties are being challenged, just see how quickly God reacts. I know that most of the civil rights movement was happy with God stopping the bigoted whites from putting them down while the Federal Government did nothing to protect their liberties.

    • mavenmaven

      I suppose they can all retrain to become "canon lawyers", as in the medieval period. Tea baggers love those SCA (society for creative anachronism) type outfits as it is…

      • GhostBuggy

        OT, but yeah, what the fuck is the deal with Tea Baggers and ren faires and SCA and shit? I've had to cover a few ren faires as a newspaper reporter, and I always get some asshole in tights yelling at me about "government overreach." Those things are awful enough without that nonsense.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "being a lawyer would require going to theology school rather than law school."

      I believe Bachmann went to both at once – a wingnutter theological law school.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Who?

    • Barb

      Better yet, WHY?

      • lulzmonger

        Or perhaps best of all, HOW?

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Um, ok, Thad … so what policies are these? All I'm seeing are a set of meaningless dogwhistle platitudes. Reckon I can be prez if that's all it takes.

    – Beer is tasty and fun
    – Ducks are often aquatic avians of the genus anatidae
    – I like turtles

    • poncho_pilot

      – Cheese is a kind of meat

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        – ketchup is a vegetable
        – Marcus Bachmann has helium heels

        I hold these truths to be self-evident.

      • finallyhappy

        headcheese is!

      • Swampgas_Man

        Crayons taste purple.

      • poncho_pilot
    • DashboardBuddha

      Tortoises you heathen!

      • poncho_pilot

        all the way down?

        • DashboardBuddha

          and then some!!!

    • BerkeleyBear

      If it flaps like a duck, floats like a duck and weighs what a duck does, it must be a witch.
      Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
      From the great forests of Maine, to the golden shores of California, that is a long walk.

      • PristineODummy

        Wow. You sound so … so … Presidential!

    • petehammer
    • tcaalaw

      I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to learn more. Do you have a newsletter I can subscribe to?

  • emmelemm

    "Some of my best friends are liberals!"

    Shut the fuck up, Thaddeus.

    • Beowoof

      Dinner for Schmucks rings a bell here.

    • Nothingisamiss

      "Thaddeus, you're out of your league!"

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Ouch … that one REALLY hurts.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Up your nose with a rubber hose!

    • nounverb911

      Wrong end.

    • zhubajie

      Frank Zappa for President!

    • HarryButtle

      Welcome back…your dreams were your ticket out.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Just read somewhere that Track Palin's new wife is preggers – DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING.

    What's this now? I want to make a Welcome Back (Mc)Cotter joke, but I never actually saw the show.

    • Barb

      Are you serious? Man, looks like we all won that bet!

      • anniegetyerfun

        Fo'sho'. I mean, it was totally obvs at the time, but still, HA!

        • Barb

          I just looked it up! She's had her baby shower already and she's showing rather nicely in the photo. So this "abstinence only" thing is for everyone NOT named Palin.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Seems to be the case! Ah, so good to know that the wingnuts are reproducing like crazy and I have yet to pop out a single kid.

          • mormos

            The science shows an inverse relationship between education and reproductive success. Apparently knowing how to use a condom reduces the number of kids you have. Go figure?

          • anniegetyerfun

            Oh, doubtlessly – but like Idiocracy pointed out, that just means that the mouth-breathers eventually take over.

          • BerkeleyBear

            I've been resigned to that fact for decades. Kinda makes me wish I could not give a shit about the future of the planet, but I have my own genetic legacies to worry about.

          • mormos

            eventually?

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Garret Hardin FTW!

          • comrad_darkness

            At least this time the father is not in question. Give the poor kid credit for that much.

          • Barb

            I bet he will rethink the amusement of cutting school bus brake lines now that he will have a child who will probably be taking the bus.

          • Fukui_sanYesOta

            Nah, he's still good as long as he avoids the short bus.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            "At least this time the father is not in question."

            Your optimism is an inspiration to the rest of us.

          • emmelemm

            Long form paternity test or GTFO.

  • Grief_Lessons

    It's self evident that this dude is a half-wit. Though that truth is also relative, because it requires reference to a full wit.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He's a fully-witted teabagger, so what's the problem.

  • Barrelhse

    If his other hand wasn't in his pants he would have had 10 core principles.

    • Beowoof

      Unfortunately, I believe that hand is in the back scratching.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    McCotter 2012 – Because The Race For The GOP Nom Was Becoming Too Boring and Predictable

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Poor old Thad needs some snappy bumper stickers, pronto!

      Maybe "McCotter 2012 – The Less Awful Choice"

  • comrad_darkness

    If you think living in a disease infested swamp of sewage dying at 25 from a poisonous job is prosperity, then sure, the private sector has proven that, absent government intervention, it will indeed provide that.

    • BerkeleyBear

      You left out having your family members horribly overcharged for the honor of reclaiming your bloated corpse from company grounds.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        They let you have a family? Generous of them, but how can they compete in the free market if they have to keep more than just you alive?

        • comrad_darkness

          No joke. There is a small mining historical park in New Zealand with a bit of history on that regarding the Chinese they brought in to work there.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Job creators do what job creators got to do.

    • PubOption

      It is interesting to note that the Teabaggers and Kochsuckers want something described by no less a socialist than Engels. Admittedly, he didn't want the conditions he described in 'The Condition of the Working Classes In England in 1844' seen as something to strive for!

  • MarcelleMarceau

    Ol' Thad rather reminds me of Bob Newhart – without a shred of humor.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Or wry intelligence.

  • Giveusabob

    "As I like to tell my liberal friends, and I do have some … if you have any problems with these five principles, you can take it up with the founders."
    Charming. Kinda like those old-timey European monarchs (and Popes!) who would blame their failures on their dead predecessors, post-posthumously, of course.

  • nappyduggs

    Thaddeus? Doesn't he know that with a name like that he should be a hulking black dude? It would give him more leverage anyway, what with black presidential candidates being all the rage these days.

    • Beowoof

      The only Thaddeus I have known is white and a cook at Popeye's Chicken. And I have to say I hear Paul Prudhome recommends their red beans and rice.

      Well having a man who knows how to do up a bird could be a plus as president. Especially if you dip it corn syrup and flour and deep fry it first. Americans will love him.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    – Liberty is from God, not the government.
    – Our sovereignty is in our souls, not a senator or king.
    – Security is from strength, not surrender.
    – Prosperity is from the private sector, not the public sector.
    – Truths are self-evident, not relative.

    Oh I get it. This guy wants to be the new Bill Bennett. He should therefore skip the campaigning and go straight to publishing best-selling jewels-of-wisdom bound in tomes like "A Book Of Teatard Virtues."
    Except, the bookstore is becoming a thing of the past what with Borders going under because nobody reads any more. So yeah, just stick with singing for your votes and maybe joke about it amiably when people keep getting your name wrong, and then swim gently into that also-ran oblivion like a scorned, battered manatee.

    • emmelemm

      Manatee reference FTW.

  • hollywooddood

    Bummer, Thad. Writing coherent core principles is harder than you thought, huh?

  • GlowneyHouse

    I checked with the founding fathers… they told me to tell you they set up a government, not a chamber of commerce.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more separation of church and state.

  • the_problem_child

    He has Winston Smith writing his campaign releases?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Thad McCotter still remains my favorite house elf in all of the Harry Potter stories.

    • comrad_darkness

      I thought he as that guy on the chocolate frog cards who invented reversible folding cauldrons.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Where is Hermione Granger when you need her?

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          Hanging out with her gay porn namesake, Himmione Gainghim

          • comrad_darkness

            Oh, win.

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Win indeed, although I am worried about how Fukui_san knows this.

  • comrad_darkness

    Every damn Republican candidate should be dropped in a weak government tribal area for a month to see how the uncertainty of poor power supply, no education, and the violence of shifting warlords lowers business investment to zero. Absolutely fucking zero. No public sector = no private sector.

    What a bunch of childish idiots Republicans are. God it pisses me off.

  • riverside68

    Shorter version: Might makes Right

    In the olden days God gave some people big muscles

    Now he gives some people big money

    It is self evident that without any controls, i.e. group consensus on what is right, written down and enforced, those 1% with lots of god-given power are going to walk down the hill and fuck each and everyone of the rest of us until death us do part.

    Nature, another word for God, is red in tooth and claw

  • Papa_Uniform

    I for one am grateful for Thad. He reminds me of my ex-spouse, only more boring. And I had lived for years believing that was just not possible. Life is full of surprises!

  • Tommmcatt

    – Liberty is from God, not the government.
    – Our sovereignty is in our souls, not a senator or king.
    – Security is from strength, not surrender.
    – Prosperity is from the private sector, not the public sector.
    – Truths are self-evident, not relative.

    He forgot:

    War is Peace
    Freedom is Slavery
    Ignorance is Strength.
    Who controls the past controls the future; who controls the present controls the past.

    And who could forget my favorite:

    Big Brother is Watching You.

    ADD: Yow. I just realized that the first four slogans of Ingsoc could have come from the mouths of any Tea party "Patriot" and it would have been right in character. Give myself a chill.

    • Amo_of_Bogio

      He's really Jack Handey…

      “Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. – Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)”

    • PubOption

      But now the teatards are watching 'Big Brother'.

    • SarahsBush

      The first rule of Palin's kids is you do not talk about Palin's kids.
      The second rule of Palin's kids is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT TRIG PALIN.

  • comrad_darkness

    Government is evil it's the problem with everything. But elect me to join it, please, pretty please.

    Seriously. That's your core statement. Congratulations.

  • BlueStateLibel

    ""-Prosperity is from the private sector, not the public sector."

    I think Lockheed Martin would beg to differ, but whatever.

  • genxr

    That's the saddest open mic I've ever seen.

  • Terry

    "McCotter outlined five core principles to the audience:
    – Liberty is from God, not the government.
    – Our sovereignty is in our souls, not a senator or king.
    – Security is from strength, not surrender.
    – Prosperity is from the private sector, not the public sector.
    – Truths are self-evident, not relative."

    So, what does he call his set of principles? Sharia law?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "The five principles not quite sophisticated enough for Hallmark Cards."

  • Rotundo_

    Another Ayn accolyte, who wants the shackles of government cut from him so he can soar. If mom and dad are rich and you're living in the basement, Rand sounds just so inspirational. I bet this one still has the cheeto stains on his privates.

  • mormos

    I'm sorry, who is this person and why do I care?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Amusing he may be, but he's just another nobody like the folks that run on the Natural Whole Wheat Law Party or some such nonsense.

  • Weenus299

    Thaddeus? Doesn't he have a Bible-related ass-fucking college to run somewhere?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Also, football comes from the players, not the referees. So let's ditch those annoying, creepingly authoritarian referees who are simply trying to expand their control of football and see what the real game looks like.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Hurrah for the return of the flying wedge!!1

      "the flying wedge was known for being brutally effective, but also resulting in a high rate of injury on both sides. Because of a number of injuries suffered in college football, this and similar formations were banned in 1894"

  • dogscantlookup

    What's up with Iowa? Those Slipknot fellows seem to be the most reasonable people from that state.

  • iburl

    That's good, Thaddeus McCotter, because between Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, and T-Pawlenty we didn't have near enough joke names running.

  • Beowoof

    – Liberty is from God, not the government.
    – Our sovereignty is in our souls, not a senator or king.

    More proof they know nothing of history or the founders. Madison would heartily disagree Thad. But then you are counting on your followers being morons who know nothing of history and you are probably right.

  • poncho_pilot

    i thought Dio was dead.

  • Callyson

    Our sovereignty is in our souls, not a senator or king.
    Oh, I can think of some people in your party whose sovereignty has ended up in a senator or two…

  • iburl

    – Liberty is from the people, not some fantasy super-being
    – Our sovereignty is from our minds, there is no such thing as a soul
    – Security is from reasoned, intelligent planning, not religious fundamentalist knee-jerk violence
    – Prosperity is something that the rich have and the poor need, the private sector must be regulated to prevent the rich from chewing up the poor and shitting them out
    – Truth is, you people are a bunch of American Taliban

    • dogscantlookup

      Wish I could Upfist more

  • Ken Cuccinelli

    Take the "o" off of "Romeo" and you've got what's probably it's sister city in NY state, an economically depressed craphole with a bunch of low-wattage old people.

    WAAM, also too. Sounds like a Dutch underground sex scene.

  • mavenmaven

    The Republican primaries now resemble, down to the names, Monty Python's Upperclass Twit of the Year competition: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSqkdcT25ss

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Truths are self-evident, not relative

    If his five "truths" were really self-evident, he wouldn't have to say them.

    • Nostrildamus

      Self-evident truths:

      Heavy things fall faster.
      The Earth is flat, fixed and the Sun moves over it.
      Time is absolute and not relative.
      The universe is intelligently designed.
      My soul will live on forever.

  • CalamityJames

    God came down to Earth in 1865 (with Moses, probably) and freed the slaves

    Haha, everybody knows that the slaves were freed by the Founding Fathers like JQ Adams and Chuck Norris. Stoopid libunatickle!

    Wait, where am I?

  • x111e7thst

    Liberty is from running faster than the cop who is chasing you.
    My sovereign (I have 1) is a gold coin of the United Kingdom.
    Some people turn to alarm systems for security but mean dogs work even better.
    Prosperity no longer exists in US Amerikkka
    I thought I saw Truth once but then the acid wore off.

    • CalamityJames

      Write it down, I'll sign that pledge.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Read the preamble before you do!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Did the TeaBaggers reserve 1600 hotel rooms for the Romeo Area Tea Party Freedom Fest, and then not use them?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Teabaggers already have 9 principles and 12 values to remember, not to mention all the pledges their representatives are being asked to sign, and with the debt ceiling issue they've already proven their ineptitude with math – so this "Thaddeus McCotter" character is just having some fun at their expense, right?

  • SorosBot

    "Truths are self-evident, not relative. "

    Um, Thad? Someone proved this wrong 106 years ago, and again in a different way 95 years ago; you may have heard of him, his name was Albert.

    (And christ, to be more serious, truths are not self-evident at all; they must be confirmed by empirical observations)

  • BarackMyWorld

    Truths are self-evident, not relative what I say they are.

    Fixed.

  • petehammer

    Wasn't Thaddeus McCotter a villain in a Matlock episode?

    • Negropolis

      MacGuyver.

  • ttommyunger

    Thad, you choose wisely with politics. A bald, skinny, ugly James Taylor look-alike can make it in the music business, but you would have to have talent; sorry.

  • Guppy06

    It's a shame we don't have the Founding Fathers vacuum-sealed in a mausoleum. Do you know who else worshiped their government's founders to the point of being a hypocritical and heretical religion?

    • http://wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

      The Russkies? And Vladimir Lenin is still vac-sealed on T.A.T.U. Square or whatever they renamed it to after 1991.

    • HistoriCat

      The Soviet Union?

    • SorosBot

      The Romans?

    • Negropolis

      The Egyptians?

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

      The Vatican?

      • BlueMonkeh

        WIN +++++++++++++++

    • comrad_darkness

      The Easter Islanders?

    • PristineODummy

      Wasn't it that race of space aliens with giant heads in an early episode of Star Trek?

  • IBSTAC

    It's really interesting post. I like it

  • Slim_Pickins

    "When in the course of divine events it becomes necessary for God, etc, etc…" How could I have misread the Declaration of Independence all these years? Thanks, Thad for straightening me out.

  • not that Dewey

    Man. James Taylor has really let himself go.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I hate it when people drool on a decent guitar.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Another idiot who hates the government so much that he spends every minute of his waking hours working to stay a part of it.

    • mumbly_joe

      For that matter, an other "constitutional conservative" that seems to think the Constitution consists exclusively of the first half of the first sentence of the Declaration of Independence, taken out of context, at least if items 1,2, and 5 are any indication.

  • lulzmonger

    Was going to say "PLAY FREE BIRD!" but chances are this Crypt-Keeper-lookin' motherfucker knows it by heart.

  • Left_Leftie

    The Tea Partiers at the WAAM Freadom Fest thought so well of Ole Thad that they gave him billing just above a slug named Janda.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      They only dropped the slug down a couple of places because it wouldn't sign a loyalty oath.

  • Negropolis

    I see Thad has taken his Michigan show on the road. Even his own constiuents thinks he's weird.

    Five core principles and five pillars, eh? Sounds kinda Mooslamic, to me. Duz it to yew?

  • Swampgas_Man

    "Romeo Area Tea Party Freedom Fest"

    If that's pronounced Ratpiff, he's exactly where he belongs.

    • PristineODummy

      Yes, except "ff" in Olde English is actually pronounced "ss."

  • carlgt1

    Jefferson is surely spinning in his grave….

  • PlanetWingNut

    hmmmm so why does he want to be president…cause you know…God does everything…he doesnt need a president..so why does he want to be president…gawk the stupid burns!

  • DemonicRage

    Sorry invisible candidate. This is the week when all eyes were on Michele B. I wonder who will take over the reins of Government those days she has to check into the hospital to be sedated.

  • LloydDrako

    We know how the youths love their rock and roll. A few thundering chords from Thad McCotter's guitar, and they'll forget everything their Commie teachers told them and turn to God and the GOP.

  • spinozasgod

    maybe I am missing something here……if something is "self-evident" doesn't that make it completely relative?

  • mumbly_joe

    Dec of Ind isn't doesn't have legal power re: US government, etc, but even if we ignore that, he's still insane and an idiot.
    Quik review:
    1) The notion was that people are innately entitled to self-determination as a human right, and people create the gov't, itself a compromise of the absolute freedom comported by anarchy, in exchange for having the rest of their freedoms better protected.
    2) Popular soverignty, as the name implies, means the governed people, *collectively* have sovereignty in the nation, and that rule is derived from the consent of the governed,*collectively*, not individually. You don't have individual soverignty, wingnuts. I'm sure it won't stop you from making terrible fake IDs and shooting cops anyway tho.

    • mumbly_joe

      con't.
      3) You know who else insisted on a peace through strength foreign (and domestic) policy?
      4) The contracters profiting from our foreign policy would beg to differ. So would Hamilton and Jefferson, who happened to be Founding Fathers, if I recall correctly.
      5) Sure is rich, coming from a right-winger. I mean, it's not like right-wingers ever complain about how their "another side of" issues like global warming, evolution, history, etcs don't get enough play in academia or the media, so therefore we need to stack both institutions with as many right-wing partisans as possible for "balance".

  • AlaskaGrrl

    He doesn't have any real liberal friends. Imaginary friends, perhaps, but someone so far removed from rationality only has minders, not friends.