DISGUSTING THINGS  8:21 pm July 19, 2011

Gross Rick Santorum Says “Make It Hurt,” For the Kids

by Blair Burke

but i don't want it to hurt anymoreOversized fetus Rick Santorum is basically poverty-stricken right now (or maybe not, if he has a television) and is now grabbing microphones all over New Hampshire, begging for money. Practically no one is voting for him and he has less than a quarter of a million dollars, which is really quite sad, considering that amount of money appears in a golden bucket whenever Barack Obama shakes someone’s hand. But Rick Santorum will not be defeated, just as long as the people of New Hampshire “make it hurt.” This is what he told them to do, because “Make It Hurt” is Rick Santorum’s personal slogan and also perfectly describes how he came to exist.

Rick Santorum does not want your $5 bills, unless $5 is literally all you have in the world.

“I need your help,” Santorum said at a house party in Henniker. “You can sign up, volunteer, send a check, $5, $10, whatever it is, I would just say one thing: Make it hurt.

“So many people give from excess, whether it’s excess time, excess money,” he said. “We aren’t going to win America back giving from excess. We’re going to need people who are patriots, who actually dedicate their lives.”

If Rick Santorum is to come anywhere close to the presidency (which he won’t) it will only be because these “patriots” have died heroic deaths and donated their organs and bone marrow to Rick Santorum 2012, apparently. So why must we do this? For the children, of course.

“I’ll be honest with you, it is incredibly stressful,” Santorum said, describing how hard it is to be away from his wife and seven children. “I’m not a wealthy man. It’s hard financially, carrying this off. But I’m doing it, because I recognize that if we lose this election, my children are going to look at me and say, ‘What did you do?’”

He is so tired of trying to defend himself against seven screaming, crying children. But then why does he keep trying to win things? [AP]

 
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{ 240 comments }

pinkocommi July 19, 2011 at 8:24 pm

The idea of anyone giving Santorum any amount of money hurts me.

WunkRocker July 20, 2011 at 7:53 am

I call him Ricky Bum Ache because he makes my bum ache. (Bum = UK slang for RECTUM, rhymes with SANTORECTUM)

Barb July 19, 2011 at 8:24 pm

The teabaggers should have a big rally, a goiter loiter, and raise money for this man. Not so much for his election as for him to do something that that little Pugsley looking daughter of his. Get the kid a non creepy looking doll or something, please.

ProudLibunatic July 19, 2011 at 9:22 pm

That creepy daughter used to be my avatar, but when I found out that she was "mentally disabled" (probably a lie), I felt bad (chickened out) and changed to cut-nut. I thought about Glenn, but the thought of seeing his stupid mug all the time was unbearable.
I guess I just can't resist the crazy!

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Too bad we don't have a picture of downfisty.

Geminisunmars July 19, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Quick. Someone take a pic of santorum. Close enough?

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:32 am

I think he only has one disabled child, and she has a very serious genetic disease so it's not likely that she's the kid on stage. I think this one just suffers from CatholicSchoolPrincess syndrome. Common enough.

dogscantlookup July 20, 2011 at 1:38 am

Teabaggers don't care, Teabaggers don't give a shit. They just takes what they wants!

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:22 am

"Get the kid a non creepy looking doll or something, please."

She needs to be rescued by a nice gay couple!

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 11:58 pm

"Get the kid a non creepy looking doll or something, please."

Are we absolutely sure that that's an actual doll and not a dead fetus or something?

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 11:59 pm

"do something that that little Pugsley looking daughter of his."

And let's not overlook the "someday a strong rain will come and wash away all the scum" son.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 8:25 pm

The very idea of Rick Santorum makes me hurt, so I guess, in my way, I've done my part. Do I have to file anything with the FEC?

user-of-owls July 19, 2011 at 8:53 pm

"Can you show us on the doll where Santorum hurt you?"

FEC (Protective Services & Corporate Fraud Division)

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 9:06 pm

That, my friend, is overflowing with win.

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Ditto Bubba…that is the excellence deserving of upfisting 'til it hurts.

SpurningBeer July 19, 2011 at 10:47 pm

First there was the Tiny Tears doll. Then there was the Betsy Wetsy doll. Now there has to be the Frothy Santorum doll, obvs.

user-of-owls July 20, 2011 at 12:20 am

Please, jah, no!

The horror of a Tiny Betsy Frothy doll is only surpassed by the…by the…

I can't even bring myself to say it.

WhatTheHolyHeck July 20, 2011 at 11:11 am

What, you've lost the "make it hurt" spirit already?

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:02 am

"is only surpassed by the…by the…

I can't even bring myself to say it. "

I'm not sure how you were *going* to finish that sentence, but now I'm picturing an anatomically correct Bristle doll who drinks Malibu and then expels another, smaller doll from you know where.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:33 am

Logical progression.

SayItWithWookies July 19, 2011 at 11:21 pm

No, but the Copyright office might have something to say — "Make it hurt" was Tim Gunn's first, failed attempt at a catchphrase. Which might be the only thing Rick Santorum and Tim Gunn ever have in common.

SudsMcKenzie July 20, 2011 at 12:01 am

Except the Santorum of course.

rocktonsam July 19, 2011 at 8:27 pm

we should donate a fiver or two just to keep his dumb ass out of the house and away from that nice wife and kids.

SOMEBODY HAS TO THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 9:07 pm

I'm thinking about keeping him away from his wife, so there are no more Santorettes at risk of passing on the stupid gene.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 12:44 am

I do wonder what the wife's doing these days, since now that he's no longer in the Senate she may no longer be able to grift taxpayer money from Pennsylvania for the proud home scholing education of their kids while they live in Virginia.

CrankyLttlCamperette July 20, 2011 at 10:38 am

I KNOW! Wah, wah, wah, I'm so poor…STFU Ricky-the-Weasel*. Whatever happened to that sweet, sweet pile of cash you stole from PA to educate your kids in that gihugic McMansion in Mclean? Or did you screw up your credit (or screw up the world) so badly you can't get a mortgage for that? How 'bout you come live in my little post-UI world and you can learn what "I'm not a wealthy man" and "make it hurt" really mean.

But I'm pretty sure I have enough pocket change for a heavily-salted bag of rat dicks. Just for you, Ricky. See! I'm giving 'til it hurts, right?

*May be unfair to weasels.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:35 am

The "nice" wife is the nutcase who just wrote a book on fetii for the little Cat-lick kiddies. Miscarried fetii or dead fetii or miraculously live anencephalic fetii, I forget.

She's thinking about the children, all right. Problem is, it's only the dead ones that excite her.

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Sure, why not? All those people disenchanted with Harold Camping need something equally unbelievable to believe in, right?

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:24 am

Harold Camping is relatively harmless, compared to these people. US pols kill people by the thousands and millions! HC just miscalculated the end of the world. No harm done.

tihond July 19, 2011 at 8:29 pm

What a frothy mess the Santorum campaign has become.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:36 am

I'm still impressed that he managed to raise even less money than Herman Cain.

gurukalehuru July 20, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Oh, what a frothy mess begins to leak
whenever Rick Santorum starts to speak

flamingpdog July 21, 2011 at 1:08 am

I have to admit I had never even considered the possibility of Santorum in poetry.

Pragmatist2 July 19, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Rick: So if you lose the election your kids will Look at you and ask "What did you do?" Well I got bad news for you Rick: if you WIN this election your kids will look at you and ask "What the fuck did you do?"

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Yeah, and the demolition of America will be a LOT harder to explain.

noodlesalad July 19, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Hell, in 10 years, those kids are going to be looking at those outfits they got dressed up in, and asking "what the fuck did you do?"

Ansnarkist July 19, 2011 at 8:30 pm

If only Ronald Reagan hadn't shut down all the Santorums in the 80s, we wouldn't have to worry about this now.

OC_Surf_Serf July 19, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Oh, just on with it and accept your fate: Sell Santorum-brand sex lube to raise money…

Fukui_sanYesOta July 19, 2011 at 9:02 pm

"It's always Slick with Rick!"

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Be Slick and Be Quick, with Slipperery Dick's Santorum Sticks!

iburl July 19, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Your prick can't bore 'im?
Use "Santorum"®

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Funny, I've been asking people for santorum contributions, and they've been sending in the grossest stuff…

Gratuitous World July 19, 2011 at 8:32 pm

give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses of Santorum spawn.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 8:33 pm

You would think Santorum, of all people, would know that lube will prevent the hurt.

Swampgas_Man July 20, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Someone put grit in his frothy mixture.

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:05 am

Sand in the Vaseline, as it were?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Really, outside the comedy, the only good thing about most Republican Candidates is that they take money from people who would otherwise spend it on decorating their pickups with anti-Muslim messages.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 9:14 pm

The more, the merrier, and the less dough there will be for the GOP nominee. I'm all for having a dozen candidates or more, every damned one of 'em spouting exactly the same focus-group-tested sound bites. Game on, and may the least-electable candidate win!

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Isn't that hurting the capitalist economy? Think of the muslin-hater-job-creator.

BarryOPotter July 20, 2011 at 9:35 am

Think of the muslin-hater-job-creator.

Who, the rich bigot? Limpballs? Sorry, but no. It's too early in the millennium to ponder such vileness…

Goonemeritus July 19, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Believe me it would really really hurt to give little Ricky five dollars. I would sooner belt sand off my nipples.

CalamityJames July 20, 2011 at 12:52 am

Maybe an orbital sander would work better?

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:27 am

Wipe your butt on some monopoly money and send it in!

LowProfileinGA July 20, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Precisely the kind of illegal activity for which I would not want to spend time in a Federal pen.

"What are you in for?" "Ah, mailing feces-covered play money to a candidate for president."

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 4:47 am

>

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Seven kids? No money? Sounds like someone could have used a little birth control back in the day. If you can't afford 'em, don't have 'em, as some people might say.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Bet he's got a color TV and air conditioning.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 9:15 pm

And loose shoes.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:38 am

And amenities. Like a refrigerator, and stuff.

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:06 am

Although it is true that he only uses the refrigerator for feti storage.

PristineODummy July 21, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Is that where the Pickled Punk ended up? I thought it was just floating in a jar on the mantel. Too declasse for Li'l Ricky, I guess.

Poindexter718 July 19, 2011 at 8:37 pm

RE: "“I’ll be honest with you, it is incredibly stressful,” Santorum said, describing how hard it is to be away from his wife and seven children."

"We're fine, daddy. Mommy's been letting us watch South Park and we got to order that Chinese food that you can't eat because of the irritable bowel thing. Anne-Marie's little friend was late but she said she and Manolo are "taking care of it." Keep fighting daddy. I miss you and Google you every day. Love, Hortense"

donner_froh July 19, 2011 at 8:42 pm

How do you do you make a whore tense?

Fukui_sanYesOta July 19, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Slip it in the wrong hole. Duh.

yyyaz July 19, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Tell her you really, REALLY like santorum.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Use really, really cheap, made-in-China condoms?

Poindexter718 July 19, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Show up with Rick Santorum and a jug of Costco baby oyl?

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:29 am

Pretend your wallet was stolen back at the bar!

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 12:54 am

I would love to see the aftermath of the Santorum kids watching the South Park movie. "Where do I find the clitoris, daddy?"

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:40 am

Oh, like he'd know.

Texan_Bulldog July 19, 2011 at 8:39 pm

I had actually forgotten this dude was running–sounds like everyone else has, too.

Grief_Lessons July 19, 2011 at 8:39 pm

I could give five dollars in nickels in a way that would hurt.

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Shouldn't hurt so much if Rick was telling the truth when he said, "This is as wide open an election as Republicans maybe have ever had for president."

SpurningBeer July 19, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Maybe both Ricks have huge openings, after all.

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 10:31 pm

I'm sure I have $5 in pennies to add to your contribution. Every little bit helps with the hurting.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 12:20 am

I'll give you the socks off my feet so that we can make a duel contribution…

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:19 am

"a duel contribution"

Keep the socks and duel old Frothy.
Glove slap… it's a glove slap, baby.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:40 am

No fair wrapping them in a sock and slinging them at Li'l Ricky's Li'l Dicky.

donner_froh July 19, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Make it hurt, Rick…put sand in your vaseline.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Make it hurt so we can give a good, hard fisting to the competition. We need to make sure that Americans find Santorum everywhere they look! In their living rooms, on their televisions, and in their churches! This campaign is going to bring Santorum to everyone, even the elderly!

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:41 am

Rick's already stated that his goal was to have Santorum on the lips of every young Republican, where it belongs. Leave the rest of us alone!

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2011 at 8:42 pm

$5 is about all I might be able to contribute (I'm pretty much tapped out from the check I just wrote to Planned Parenthood), but if Santorum is serious about dedicating his life, I'll try to pull it together.

Come here a minute July 19, 2011 at 8:43 pm

"Came to exist" is pretty much the story of everyone's father, but who wants to think about that?

BlueStateLibel July 19, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Stand up on your own two feet, GeeOPeer, and stop begging for handouts.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Bend over and grab your bootstraps, Rick … here comes a big donation.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 12:21 am

I call mine The Contribution. It's so big that I have to file it with the FEC.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Tch. You'd think he'd have some gratitude for Dan Savage, who helped bring him all that name recognition.

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Apparently Dan Savage said he'd hatefuck Santorum, which caused Santorum to throw a hissy fit, about "vulgarity". Vulgarity, indeed.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:43 am

Wasn't Danny. It was a co-panelist on Maher's show who said he wished Marcus would fuck Michele with hate and anger. I don't think Dan Savage would fuck Li'l Ricky for all the money OR free lube in the world. Dan's a good-looking guy with high standards.

emmelemm July 20, 2011 at 2:26 am

Didn't see the show in question, but I refer to this:

Speaking of Rick Santorum

Apparently he also said he'd like all Republicans to die in a fire (essentially), which he's taking a lot more shit for.

ETA: I'd also like all Republicans to die in a fire. TYVM.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 2:39 am

Ah, right. I watched the show, and it was clear Danny was pointing out the sexism of Marc Maron, and made that flip reference to Santorum in passing. My heart seriously beats for Danny, and I would be devastated to hear that he would be willing to dip his dick in Santorum's santorum.

OTOH, DIAF? Totally, they all should, before tonight is out. And I totally mean that in a rapturey, Xtianist, good sort of way.

user-of-owls July 19, 2011 at 8:49 pm

I'm woefully ignorant about the Marvel pantheons of super-heroes, but if one of them supports Santorum and is truly, patriotically willing to 'make it hurt,' my guess is that it would be Copper-Pipe-Man!

Oh, and his trusted sidekick, "Marrow Boy."

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Why not send Lead-Pipe Man, and put an end to the whole sorry spectacle?

user-of-owls July 19, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Look at your scrap prices, amigo. One doesn't rip out the lead water pipes in the projects for there's no profit there. Air conditioners for rural churches, water systems for new developments, wiring (zzzzzzaaaappp!) from live transformers? Oh yes, copper is fair game.

Lead-Pipe Man might could instead play a role in "You Want Union Thugs? Doin' It Old School."

Biel_ze_Bubba July 20, 2011 at 12:18 am

"Old School" is exactly what I had in mind: making it hurt, briefly.

DemonicRage July 19, 2011 at 8:50 pm

The success of Dan Savage's campaign in exacting revenge against this guy, who had the nerve to compare gay sex to man on dog sex, is one of the encouraging achievements of the last five years. And it's nice to hear him give vent to the frustration he feels at having his name so cosmically besmirched.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:36 am

Any chance the two will have a debate, face to face? Something like a cage match or a chain match?

hollywooddood July 19, 2011 at 8:59 pm

I have five bucks, but I'm sending it to Obama, ASSHOLE.

petehammer July 19, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I would rather send $5 to Obama's Asshole than Rick Santorum, even though the difference is minimal.

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Wasn't Obama's Asshole in the news not too long ago?

DashboardBuddha July 19, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Make a photo copy of the fiver you sent to Barry and sent that to Santo

Left_Leftie July 20, 2011 at 12:50 am

Thanks for the reminder! I just gave $5 to Obama.
Suck it Santorium . . oh eww I grossed myself out there . . .

user-of-owls July 19, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I recognize that if we lose this election, my children are going to look at me and say, ‘What did you do?’”

Well, children, what I did was bankrupt this family in pursuit of a phantasmagorical ego trip to a degree that your great-grandchildren will still be paying off my debts in 2070. That's what your daddy did! Aren't you proud?

Um, hey now. Those knives are for cooking, ok? Especially those long thick chef's knives. Ok, ok, let me try to explain it agai……….ack, gurgle, gurgle…oooozzze

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:46 am

You have a way with words. And images. And onomatopoeia. Very, er, striking. Yes.

Mahousu July 19, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Santorum's only purpose in the race now is to give the other candidates someone to look down on. Gingrich, Pawlenty, Huntsman – doesn't matter how badly they're doing, all they have to do is google "Santorum" and they can say, "Hey, at least I'm not that guy."

ProudLibunatic July 19, 2011 at 9:28 pm

OMG!
DON'T google "Santorum!"

Biel_ze_Bubba July 20, 2011 at 12:22 am

But DO post this link http://www.spreadingsantorum.com/
as often as possible.

That's what keeps it at #1 on Google.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 1:00 am

Fuck, even the "Rent is too damn high" guy is probably outpolling Santorum (and yes, he is running for the GOP nomination).

HistoriCat July 20, 2011 at 9:33 am

Well, he does talk more damn sense than Santorum. Not that you could consider that any sort of achievement.

Swampgas_Man July 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Plus, he knows kung fu also.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:37 am

"I may not amount to shit but I'm still better than Santorum!"

Radiotherapy® July 19, 2011 at 9:03 pm

I have an old 27" TV in the basement he can have. It would hurt me to carry that thing up the stairs and to the curb.

BklynIlluminati July 19, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Yeah Dad stop spending my fucking inheritance on your stupid election that you couldn't possibly win. DAYUM

Callyson July 19, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Ricky, in 2006 the voters of PA asked "What the fuck did you do?" and voted your sorry ass out.
No one is asking about 2012…

weejee July 19, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Wuz that frothy Santorum in the pie that hit Murdoch?

Arken July 19, 2011 at 9:12 pm

'Frothy Santorum' is redundant.

Geminisunmars July 19, 2011 at 11:49 pm

And yet strangely oxymoronic.

WhatTheHeck July 19, 2011 at 9:12 pm

“going to win America back”
“going to need people who are patriots”

Need I say any more about this guy. He considers 1/2 of this country unpatriotic.
Charming man.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:53 am

More than 1/2.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:38 am

Is he another chickenhawk?

GOPCrusher July 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm

He should probably talk to Sarah Palin about grifting from his potential contributors.

neiltheblaze July 19, 2011 at 9:12 pm

"Make it hurt!"?

See – Rick – this is how it works. When people Google your name tomorrow – like all five of them – they'll get the "make it hurt" thing, and that will make them wonder – and three rows down there will be a visual representation of the scatological usage of "Santorum". And then they'll know.

I have to admit, it's a lot of fun watching this talent-free numbskull trip over his own balls constantly.

arihaya July 19, 2011 at 9:15 pm

he has less than a quarter of a million dollars

there are enough stupid people in America to give him $250.000 ?

NorthStarSpanx July 19, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Sarah's stil collecting for her Vacation Bus Tour to Nowhere – she could slide a little PAC cash his way and make us all hurt.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:54 am

Too late, she spent it all already. Moby Dick travel, I b'leev.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 1:01 am

He comes from a rich family; those people are probably named mom and dad.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:40 am

Monopoly money, I hope. Too bad there's no Hell money in the USA!

occams8ball July 20, 2011 at 7:43 am

hey, I have less than a quarter of a million dollars

mavenmaven July 19, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Five dollars to make it hurt? Apparently Santorum has spent some time in his local S&M club.

trampndirtdown July 19, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Bootstraps motherfucker!

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Bootheels hurt more gooder.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 12:24 am

Steeltoes for his pleasure.

DaSandman July 19, 2011 at 9:22 pm

No, he was channeling a way to have his pooper exercised…

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 9:28 pm

'Make it Hurt' must be some weird Catholic thing.

Wadisay July 19, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Don't laugh. He's probably wearing a cilice.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 8:44 am

Do you think he scourges himself regularly?

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 10:22 pm

And now, our musical interlude brings us Opus Dei and the Knights

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:20 am

Wait till Opus sees us!
He loves us!!

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2011 at 9:29 pm

I'm going to tear a fiver in half and mail just one half to him. Or maybe I'll film myself burning a five dollar bill, and post the vid on his website or somethin'. "Can't have this one, motherfucker! Ha ha! Don't that hurt?!?"

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Dude, I would totally give up $5 just to piss Santorum off like that.

ShaveTheWhales July 19, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Ooh, virality ensues.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:56 am

Maybe you should marry me and not have my babies.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:41 am

Wipe your ass on the other half!

BaldarTFlagass July 20, 2011 at 7:49 am

Hell, wipe my ass on the half I send him.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 8:46 am

Exactly what I meant! He'll be in an agony of indecision? Throw it away? Or clean it off and keep it?

LettucePrey July 19, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Just sell one of your kids, Rick. It's not like you have a shortage.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:56 am

Jeez, with seven of the little fuckers running around, it's not like he'll even *notice.*

HistoriCat July 20, 2011 at 9:36 am

Only probably is deciding which one to sell:
"Sell me!"
"No sell me!"

salt_bagel July 19, 2011 at 9:34 pm

DO YOUR PART, POORS!

Tommmcatt July 19, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I've had guys say that to me before.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:57 am

Yeah, but usually THEY payz YOU. I wouldn't mind making Ricky hurt if I could make some money off it, but the cheap little bastard wants ME to pay for the privilege.

DashboardBuddha July 19, 2011 at 10:10 pm

It hurts so good
C'mon baby make it hurt so good
Sometimes campaigns don't feel like they should
You make it hurt so good

iburl July 19, 2011 at 10:12 pm

If I don't get all your hard-earned money for my ego-trip presidential campaign, I'll have to go home and face my children and the ones who are not pickled in a jar will ask "Daddy, why are you such a foamy loser?"

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:58 am

Oh, gawd, Pickled Punk.

Mumbletypeg July 19, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Today I found myself idling behind a SUV with the cartoon family-&-kids (five of them) decal on the back window — wearing Disney ears, these ones were — then in another corner of the window was something new to me: "In memory of…" followed by the given names of two deceased, with each name followed by a date. At least one was a girl's name, like "Emily Grace" so while it's possible these were grown children who died in a war, to be honest I wondered if they were now residing in a couple of jars in the hatch with the jumper cables; this SUV was 'dedicated' to them after all.
I'm sure Santorum has overlooked a significant vehicle to posture his sanctimony; a Weltenschaung-on-wheels. I see bobblehead fetuses in his family's future.

Barrelhse July 19, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Emily Grace was the Romney's dog.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:59 am

Ex-dog.

fuflans July 20, 2011 at 1:42 am

ok yeah that's just ick.

__kth__ July 19, 2011 at 10:15 pm

I guess he's saying, if your santorum contribution doesn't have a little blood in it, you didn't try hard enough. Sounds kinda unsafe, if you ask me.

El Pinche July 19, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Rentboys with tight assholes cum with a price.

Trannysurprise July 19, 2011 at 10:26 pm

“We aren’t going to win America back from the niggers giving from excess. We’re going to need people who are patriots, who actually dedicate their lives.”

*fixed

mumbly_joe July 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Not a wealthy person? I'm pretty sure he has a television, oven, stove, and ceiling fan. What else does he need?

Oh, and his net worth was actually roughly a million dollars when last noted, so there's that too.

emmelemm July 20, 2011 at 12:53 am

As I'm sure you know, a million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to. Especially when you have seven kids or whatever.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 20, 2011 at 1:04 am

Hell, that's barely into job-creatin' territory. You can't hardly hire a butler or a housemaid if you've only got a million bucks.

BaldarTFlagass July 20, 2011 at 8:30 am

But for the price of a butler, you can hire two illegal Mezkins to do the yard and the pool, and a part-time Honduran gal to scrub the toilets. Treacle down!

Blendergoathead July 19, 2011 at 10:43 pm

He could always just pimp out those kids (physically; he's already done it politically).

Barrelhse July 19, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Even John Wayne Gacy would turn down those kids.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 2:01 am

I hear you can get a tidy sum for their kidneys. Wut? All the Poorz are doing it all over the world. Isn't Rick complaining that he's a Poor too? He needs to get with the program and sell at least a couple of kidneys.

Jukesgrrl July 19, 2011 at 10:49 pm

I've dedicated my life to Rick Santorum since 1990 when he unseated the boring but competent Democrat Doug Walgren as the representative of Pennsylvania's 18th District — on the grounds that Doug didn't actually live in the Pittsburgh suburb he represented. Something Santorum also didn't do.

I've dedicated my life to hating this smug, self-satisfied, misogynistic, prejudiced, holier-than-thou prick with every fiber of my being. Everything else that happened in the 2006 election paled for me in comparison to Santorum's defeat for re-election to the U.S. Senate by the boring but competent Democrat Bob Casey, Jr. — by the largest margin for any incumbent Senator since 1980. And he managed to lose in spite of that being the election where Santorum invented the lovely phrase "Islamic fascism," which has served so many other Republicans well.

I'll save my $5 to donate to the mental health facility his children will surely need if they ever happen to encounter education beyond the one Mom and Dad foist on them — which is crazy even by Catholic standards.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 1:25 am

Strangely, Rick Santorum is responsible for my political awakening. I started college in fall of 1994, eligible to vote for the first time and could have either voted by absentee ballot in Philadelphia, or changed my registration and voted in Chicago. But both required too much work, and I just didn't bother voting; then, the next summer, I saw what a complete embarrassment my home state's new Senator was; and that made me vow to never not vote again.

fuflans July 20, 2011 at 2:01 am

damn grrl keep on doing that magic thing. we need more of this…

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:22 am

"I'll save my $5 to donate to the mental health facility his children will surely need"

Nah, wait about six months after that, and then buy their tell all books.

ttommyunger July 19, 2011 at 10:57 pm

"“I’ll be honest with you," Poker players and cops call this a "Tell". A lead-pipe cinch you are listening to a compulsive liar. This asshat is seriously around the bend.

Tundra Grifter July 20, 2011 at 9:33 am

TTU: You beat me to it. The other one is "To tell you the truth…"

ttommyunger July 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm

About time. I can't remember how many times you beat me posting a nugget; and there I sat, all dressed up and no where to go.

Tundra Grifter July 20, 2011 at 5:03 pm

TTU: I'd like to say something about "Great minds…" but I don't know any.

Regarding Santorum's ability to tell the truth: Don't forget he is the guy who charged the price of a single hamburger (from a joint close to his temporary home) to his political campaign fund.

And got a home mortgage from an exclusive private bank – that he wasn't anywhere near wealthy enough to meet their customer qualifications.

And sent his kids to schools outside the state – and billed the state for it.

ttommyunger July 20, 2011 at 9:56 pm

“No honor among scoundrels” comes to mind.

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:23 am

"Trust me" isn't exactly a tell, but it usually produces the opposite of its intended effect.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Well, actually the campaign slogan was down to either Make It Hurt or Smell The Glove

BaldarTFlagass July 20, 2011 at 8:33 am

It's such a fine line between stupid and clever.

prommie July 20, 2011 at 10:16 am

None more black . . .

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:24 am

So I guess they decided not to go with "Shark Sandwich"?

DerrickWildcat July 19, 2011 at 11:12 pm

He's arguably the best Christian of the bunch.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 12:27 am

Isn't that like winning Best in Show at an ugly dog contest?

mrblifil July 19, 2011 at 11:24 pm

I guess this is what comes of no longer being able to make it spurt.

Weenus299 July 19, 2011 at 11:46 pm

This is great news for men and dogs.

ShaveTheWhales July 19, 2011 at 11:48 pm

It's almost not worth saying "Fuck santorum", because

1) what would that mean, anatomically, anyway?

2) he is such a freaking nebbish.

prommie July 19, 2011 at 11:51 pm

I just can't snark on much, anymore. I just get sadder, more desperate, that I live in this society, stuck with it, I guess. Too old to rebel in any serious way, too aware to adopt some symbolic bullshit rebellion thats meaningless in any real way.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 12:28 am

You could always join the Tea Party. Then you could pretend to adopt some symbolic bullshit rebellion since they are bought-and-paid for rubes, after all.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 2:07 am

Don't give in to it, my friend. Because you know quite well that you're not wrong, in fact, you're anything but. The world is fucking crazy, and it's a miracle we survive at all, especially we who see it clearly and aren't willing to put on the blinders and go along to get along, even if it feels like that's all you're doing all the time, running madly to stay in the same place. But don't give in. Don't let the truly crazy ugly people win. They win when each of us gives up that lifelong struggle, to whatever extent.

BaldarTFlagass July 20, 2011 at 8:35 am

Now I'm depressed. I think I'll change my board name to Willie Loman, if Prommie hasn't already.

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:26 am

"too aware to adopt some symbolic bullshit rebellion thats meaningless in any real way"

I could go mad, in the nicest possible way, trying to figure out how something can be meaningless in a real way, but have you considered making a big deal out of how you refuse to watch television?

DashboardBuddha July 19, 2011 at 11:57 pm

"need people who are patriots"

I am so fucking sick to fucking death of the rodeo clowns using the word "patriot". Their overuse and general buzzkill of the word has mad it meaningless.

fuflans July 20, 2011 at 2:06 am

yes. so fucking sick of it.

for some weird reason tonight is the night of the wonkette's taking back the term 'patriot'.

BaldarTFlagass July 20, 2011 at 8:37 am

Good call. You're my "hero."

Barb July 19, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Thank you! I am flattered, lol. Love you back.

Geminisunmars July 20, 2011 at 12:03 am

Ricky don't loosen that lumbar
It's the only one you own
You might need it to feel better
To make Santorum foam

flamingpdog July 21, 2011 at 1:27 am

Santorum is a Steely Dan.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 12:07 am

But Rick Santorum will not be defeated

So, he's going to go Palin and just up and quit? Good.

BTW, his little rugrats sound like ungrateful little bastards. If I had kids and they asked me that, I'd tell them to step out the house, live out on the street for a night, and then ask me that question. "What did you do?", eh? You see this roof over your heads, and that food on the table, and your (hopefully) smiling mother?

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 2:09 am

You don't have kids, huh? Because most of them go through that phase of questioning and rejecting their parents. Although Ricky's brats probably have far more to question than most.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 3:27 am

I just have always empathized with parents over kids. I'm a 20-something, now, but even now when I look back I see how even "precocious" I was. Kids are annoying, particularly pre-teens.

BTW, just a disclaimer, but I'm totally joking about the kids. I'm sure Rick just wants to bring some gravity to his light-weight campaign so he ascribes to his children dramatic emotions and thoughts that they probably don't have about his joke of a campaign.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 8:49 am

I had seriously abusive parents, so I usually empathize with the kids.

HistoriCat July 20, 2011 at 9:43 am

I don't think he's bringing gravity to the campaign – he's just that delusional. Instead of "what did you do?" his kids will be asking "what were you thinking?" Although maybe they find life to be a little bit better with him out on the campaign trail.

flamingpdog July 21, 2011 at 1:30 am

I don't think Santorum believes in gravity – it's just a theory, like evolution.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 12:14 am

I tell you this, today: It is easier for a rich man to go through the eye of a needle than for Rick to ever enter the executive mansion as president.

Troubledog July 20, 2011 at 12:58 am

Maybe make a movie about it; call it The Undefeated? Sure.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 1:15 am

Ricky hated gays, hated gays and hated women,
and just plain sex. He restrained his hands,
But made it too far
Became the Senate man, then they were Ricky's band

Now Ricky really hated, crazy eyes and generic hairdo
Like some Virginian ,aww he could fool'em by smiling
He could leave 'em to hang
'came on so loaded man, such a crazed and hate-filled man.

So where was the Fox News, when that gay tried to break his balls
When he made his name a joke,
So hwe bitched about that Dan and should he crush his sweet hands?

Oh
Ooh oh

Ricky lost his job, claiming it was 'cause of voodoo
That Savage was just crass, he was the next
With God given hair
aww He took it all too far but boy could he hate so far

Making love with his ego Ricky sucked up into his mind
Like a Christian messiah
When the gays had killed the seat he had to run for President.

Oh yeah
Ooooooo
Ricky haaaateed gaays, uh yeah yeah.

BaldarTFlagass July 20, 2011 at 8:40 am

As a person whose real name lends itself to the nickname of Zig or Ziggy, I always upfist any Ziggy reference. Unless it's that stupid cartoon with the little round guy with the huge schnozz.

archikvetch July 20, 2011 at 1:26 am

If he is really short on scratch I look forward to his future career touring with Toni Basil:
Hey Ricky you're so blind
You're so blind you blow my mind
Santorum!
Santorum!

Dan Savage might be pleased http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/archive/index

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 1:30 am

All I can say is, "Ya shoulda pulled out, Rick, like yer faaaaather should have." So it's MY fault now that he's got seven screaming rugrats to defend himself from? And I didn't even get to fuck him for the privilege. (Although, santorum, eccchh.)

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:07 am

I wouldn't mind a 1/4 million US$ right now! That'd be 1, 500, 000 rmb! Plenty to retire on. Lots of Chinese people live productive lives on 1, 000 (+ the food they produce). Hell, my retired 87-year-old father in Iowa could use US $250, 000, too. He too produces his own potatoes and onions, where I don't think Santorum has produced anything beyond some abused-looking children. Stop whining, RS!

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:13 am

How stressful, is it, Rick? Tried out the Neut Gingrich solution yet, having the staff blow you?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 20, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Ditching the wife and 7 kids would certainly reduce the stress. Newt is definitely on to something.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:17 am

He's not even entertaining! Brother Stair (world's craziest evangelist) is begging real hard these days, and threatening to shut off his 2 am radio broadcasts in selected cities if no one replies/pays. But he's entertaining! Like a pro-wrestling match between 2-headed midgets! Santorum is not entertaining. Maybe he should get together with Kortney and shove vegetables into unlikely orifices and produce santorum! But as it is, it's time to retire from show biz, RS.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 2:21 am

"He is so tired of trying to defend himself against seven screaming, crying children."

More likely, they're tired of defending themselves against him! Doesn't that one girl look like her butt hurts?

crybabyboehner July 20, 2011 at 8:13 am

That's what she said!

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 8:19 am

For all his own problems – both those brought on him and those he's brought on himself – Obama has to be the luckiest politician in Washington in years to draw the type of competition he's drawn with an economy as shitty as this and a public as strange and self-destructive and as fickle as I've ever seen. That said, if he's hoping to get by on luck alone, he's setting himself up to lose.

Honestly, once we get past this fake debt ceiling fiasco – just like we got past the fake issue of the expiration of the Bush tax cuts – what's their next issue going to be to bring government to the next screeching halt? Every time this president begins to build up steam to push forward, he's stopped.

Schmegeg July 20, 2011 at 8:23 am

"Make it Hurt" ???

Is this a prison documentary on MSNBC?

BaldarTFlagass July 20, 2011 at 8:28 am

Totally OT, but James O'Keefe is up to his old "tricks" again. He's like he wants to be the right wing version of The Yes Men, only sad and pathetic. I mean, a kilt?
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/07

x111e7thst July 20, 2011 at 8:47 am

I'm sure Rick has fantasies in which he whispers "Oh daddy , make it hurt" to the large black man as he bends over, but do I need to know about them?

DashboardBuddha July 20, 2011 at 9:11 am

Speaking of disgusting things…

It appears that Michele's goons roughed up a reporter.

Tundra Grifter July 20, 2011 at 9:38 am

Brian Ross (if one can judge such things watching tv) is about 5 feet 6 and weighs about 140 pounds.

Of course, if this had been Bull O'Really's? attack poodle, the reactionaries would be lawyering up while ranting about the First Amendment.

Kenneth Gladney, your move…

[By the way, that's Comment 1K.]

Tundra Grifter July 20, 2011 at 9:40 am

“'I’ll be honest with you, it is incredibly stressful,' Santorum said, describing how hard it is to be away from his wife and seven children."

Not, however, anywhere near as stressful as staying home with his wife and seven children.

outragedcitizen July 20, 2011 at 9:41 am

If Santorum has 7 kids then I think he has already spent way too much time with is wife. Just sayin'

LouBristol July 20, 2011 at 10:04 am

Here's a tip: gay porn pays better than straight.

hagajim July 20, 2011 at 10:18 am

I thought if there was Santorum it shouldn't hurt.

kissawookiee July 20, 2011 at 10:32 am

my children are going to look at me and say, ‘What did you do?’

Sorta like they did the day you came home and announced they were going to have an enforced Fetus Slumber Party?

Tundra Grifter July 20, 2011 at 11:33 am

Ricky: As we continue to struggle to dig our way out from under eight years of Bush Jr.'s time in the White House, and decades of reactionary Republican rule, I can assure you it already hurts.

A lot.

Barrelhse July 20, 2011 at 11:37 am

His wife has the determined look of someone who is about to buckle-up the kids and drive off a boat ramp.

smitallica July 20, 2011 at 11:40 am

Of course you're out of money, Rick. That's what happens to people who fail. Personal responsibility is a bitch, ain't it?

PhilippePetain July 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

"If there's one thing I know, it's this: America was built on fighting to the death for a lost cause. If you great patriots will join me in this lost cause and give your all, I know that we can go down fighting for the not quite attainable change that we believe in! NOW WHO'S WITH ME!"

tessiee July 21, 2011 at 12:32 am

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

orygoon July 20, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Is this why we can't have nice things?

Tundra Grifter July 20, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Santorum is just so cute when he's angry:
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/santorum-says-

Troglodeity July 20, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I thought santorum was the result of NOT making it hurt.

Dürers Rhino July 20, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Win America back from who, Rick? The wealthiest 2% of Americans, the so-called 'wealth creators', that are hoarding all the money? From the Energy, Pharma, and Banking industries? From the faux-morality politicking of the religious right? I wish.

KenLayIsAlive July 20, 2011 at 4:55 pm

"Oversized fetus Rick Santorum"

This is one fetus I would never hug.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 11:53 pm

I'd be pleased to make a donation to the Committee to Guarantee that the Words "Santorum" and "Make it Hurt" Never Appear in the Same Sentence Ever Again.

peaceshelly July 20, 2011 at 11:58 pm

who told this person he even a damn chance?
Banish him to the end of the table.

Roscoexzw July 21, 2011 at 6:08 am

going to your home .Not a wealthy person? I'm pretty sure he has a television, oven, stove, and ceiling fan. What else does he need? http://resvibrantreview.com/

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