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but i don't want it to hurt anymoreOversized fetus Rick Santorum is basically poverty-stricken right now (or maybe not, if he has a television) and is now grabbing microphones all over New Hampshire, begging for money. Practically no one is voting for him and he has less than a quarter of a million dollars, which is really quite sad, considering that amount of money appears in a golden bucket whenever Barack Obama shakes someone’s hand. But Rick Santorum will not be defeated, just as long as the people of New Hampshire “make it hurt.” This is what he told them to do, because “Make It Hurt” is Rick Santorum’s personal slogan and also perfectly describes how he came to exist.

Rick Santorum does not want your $5 bills, unless $5 is literally all you have in the world.

“I need your help,” Santorum said at a house party in Henniker. “You can sign up, volunteer, send a check, $5, $10, whatever it is, I would just say one thing: Make it hurt.

“So many people give from excess, whether it’s excess time, excess money,” he said. “We aren’t going to win America back giving from excess. We’re going to need people who are patriots, who actually dedicate their lives.”

If Rick Santorum is to come anywhere close to the presidency (which he won’t) it will only be because these “patriots” have died heroic deaths and donated their organs and bone marrow to Rick Santorum 2012, apparently. So why must we do this? For the children, of course.

“I’ll be honest with you, it is incredibly stressful,” Santorum said, describing how hard it is to be away from his wife and seven children. “I’m not a wealthy man. It’s hard financially, carrying this off. But I’m doing it, because I recognize that if we lose this election, my children are going to look at me and say, ‘What did you do?'”

He is so tired of trying to defend himself against seven screaming, crying children. But then why does he keep trying to win things? [AP]

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