and having a scooter officially makes you rich

Heritage Foundation Guy: You Don’t Count As ‘Poor’ If You Own A TV

you better not be going home to an air conditioned squatters' camp, man.Over 40 million Americans live below the federal poverty line, defined in 2011 as $22,058 a year for a family of four, which is sort of an embarrassingly large percentage of dirty hobo children to have running around in God’s favorite country. How do we fix that, besides editing the numbers on the Wikipedia page? Right-wing think tank the Heritage Foundation has this idea, because they have been noticing lately that lots of “supposedly poor people” out there also still have cheap television sets and refrigerators full of frozen chicken nuggets, which means they are not starving to death. Hey, that doesn’t actually sound so poor?

Poor people occasionally still have a few things left to them as a result of the last six decades of relentless corporate marketing designed to push cheap consumer appliances and electronics into every corner of American life, things which many people purchased with credit, i.e. fake money that ironically also helped make them poor. But strangely, those non-biodegradable objects are still hanging around even since the jobs, income, savings, food security and education have all disappeared. So what if we just started counting everyone who has any of these leftover plastic waste products as “not poor?” POLICY GENIUS.

From the Heritage Foundation paper “Conclusion”:

In 2010, the U.S. Census Bureau declared that one in seven Americans lived “in poverty.” Catholic Charities has declared, “The existence of such widespread poverty amidst such enormous wealth is a moral and social wound in the soul of the country.”

To the average American, the word “poverty” implies significant material deprivation, an inability to provide a family with adequate nutritious food, reasonable shelter, and clothing. Activists reinforce this view, declaring that being poor in the U.S. means being “unable to obtain the basic material necessities of life.” The news media amplify this idea: Most news stories on poverty feature homeless families, people living in crumbling shacks, or lines of the downtrodden eating in soup kitchens.

The actual living conditions of America’s poor are far different from these images. In 2005, the typical household defined as poor by the government had a car and air conditioning. For entertainment, the household had two color televisions, cable or satellite TV, a DVD player, and a VCR. If there were children, especially boys, in the home, the family had a game system, such as an Xbox or PlayStation. In the kitchen, the household had a refrigerator, an oven and stove, and a microwave. Other household conveniences included a clothes washer, a clothes dryer, ceiling fans, a cordless phone, and a coffee maker.

The main complaint of this paper seems to be that “government assistance is allowing most poor people to eat food enough times a day that they can avoid selling their $15 Wal-Mart DVD players.” Which, like that will ever happen.  [Heritage Foundation]

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  1. Barb

    Yes, G.E. and the other corporations don't count as "poor" either. Let's stop the corporate welfare.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Hi Sister, wish me luck I have an audition for a big, franchise Blockbuster movie tomorrow morning, lots of money for about 3 days work, cross your digits for me.

          1. MissusBarry

            Well, if you're in OK, you definitely won't get rained on. Also, too, I only go to the movies about once every other year, but I would totally trade all my hobo beans for a ticket to see you on the big screen!

          2. riverside68

            Hmmmmm . . . Jane Elizabeth Leeves is 5'10"

            Oh well, she seems like a pretty limeylizzie, she even likes Cockney rhyming slang

          3. MissusBarry

            Must find a safe way…so Wonkers can support our dear snarky Brit, but you don't get saddled with a bunch of nasty trolls following you in the ether or the real world.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Fuck me, when I was in charge of the college JCR bar I used to drink a great deal of Theakston's Old Peculiar.

          1. user-of-owls


            Now that would be one hell of an entourage, eh?

            Lady Gaga's people would cry bitter tears of envy when the Wonk-Squad marched over the red carpet.

          2. Limeylizzie

            Can you imagine what a strange and fabulous bunch we would be? Short, little me surrounded by hordes of Wonketteers in their best clothes!

          3. PristineODummy

            Nobody here, I'm sure. Wonketteers have a certain reputation on Teh Inertoobs when it comes to mention of clothes.

          4. Nothingisamiss

            Most of us would bathe, and I imagine many of us clean up quite well. The snark-fest would be delightful.

            Good luck, talented Wonkateer! Very exciting!

          5. user-of-owls

            Oh my stars, it would be like the Renaissance, Woodstock, Weimar and the discovery of fire all rolled into one.

            A fulcrum upon which a cultural shift of truly tectonic, Archimedean proportions would occur.

            Do get that part, old thing. Humanity's future lies in the balance ;)

          6. tessiee

            "it would be like the Renaissance, Woodstock, Weimar and the discovery of fire all rolled into one.

            A fulcrum upon which a cultural shift of truly tectonic, Archimedean proportions would occur."

            Or, yknow, like if Da Bulls played against Da Bears.

      1. user-of-owls

        A BIG Hoot-Out to you, dear thing!! You go rock the livin' shit out of that audition!

        I know for a fact that all the auditionettes are no more than dozy cunts. By the time the poor auditioners, punished by one wretch after another, see you blaze into the room, they will shout 'Hallelujah', get huge girl boners and bolt the doors shut. Guaranteed.

        Can't wait to see you on the screen….a dream come true. Knock 'em dead, my friend.

      2. Chillwaver

        Oh, boy…for a sec there, I thought you were talking about opening a Blockbuster franchise! Good luck (and I hope it's not a Micheal Bay film)!

      3. BaldarTFlagass

        Isn't the proper sendoff supposed to be "break a leg"? Anyway, good luck.
        Also, happy yesterday birthday!

    2. SorosBot

      But G.E. made no money last year!

      According to their tax returns they didn't, at least.

    3. flamingpdog

      Slightly off-topic, B & Ll, but I love it when the two of you get all gushy lesbionic friendish/loverish on each other. Could I arrange for the two of you to meet Michele Bachmann with some prepared questions in the ladies room in the theater where your movie premieres?

      P. S. I originally typed "fiendish/loverish" by mistake, and thought about leaving it that way.

    1. genxr

      Did you see American Idol last night? You didn't? Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me help you out by describing every act in detail.

    2. baconzgood

      SHIT! If they are too poor to have a TV they aren't americans and if they have one they aren't poor. DAMN SON!!! You just stopped poverty in emirca. USA USA USA!!

  2. satyricrash

    Pshhh. Poor, you say. My good man, these people still have hair they can sell for wigs!

    1. Crank_Tango

      I know a girl who sold her hair to buy a dude a watch fob. Or maybe it was an ipod docking station.

      1. BornInATrailer

        That was my wife. Sadly, I had sold my iPod to get her one of those new flat iron curlers.

    2. Eve8Apples

      And they can give blowjobs to Heritage Foundation members — that's a marketable job skill.

  3. genxr

    He means they lead a rich intellectual life, what with all the quality programming on during prime time in sweeps week.

  4. exmartinette

    Oven AND stove? Why, these n'ere do wells are eating cooked food!

    Oh, wait, they shut off the gas and electricity months ago…

  5. monty4prez

    These people are not living like the orphans in Oliver Twist so obviously they're not poor.

    1. genxr

      Oliver Twist? Unmitigated opulence! When I was a lad being poor meant living at the bottom of a lake, waking up half an hour before going to bed, working 40 hours, then dad would rip off our arms for supper.

    2. tessiee

      "living like the orphans in Oliver Twist"

      Well, OK, that gruel is actually artificial gruel substitute.

  6. mumbly_joe

    Ugh, you see this meme pop up from time to time. Here's a question: if you live in the rural south, where a disproportionate of the so-called "so-called poor" happen to live, are air conditioning and a motor vehicle actually luxuries, in any comprehensible sense of the term? Or are they only things that keep you dying of heat stroke and starvation, simultaneously, because you live in an uhabitable backwater, because of your aforementioned poverty?

    And do cars and air conditioning pay for themselves, or do they simply gouge an even larger chunk out of a budget already insuffiencient to provide for other material needs?

    1. V572 Hair of Destiny

      Plus, duh, no public transportation = must have car to get job. No alloy wheels allowed, though.

          1. PristineODummy

            Hard to believe that they actually believe there are people even poorer than they are.

          2. PristineODummy

            That's the real issue, isn't it? We might be poor and down and out and fucked, but at least we're not brown.

    2. bloodandirony

      "simply gouge an even larger chunk out of a budget already insuffiencient to provide for other material needs? "
      These Heritage "researchers" in many cases arrived only a few steps ahead of the repo men. A depreciating asset bought on credit doesn't actually increase your net worth.

    3. ChuckieJesus

      My kid's dad lives down in the syphilitic dick of America known as Florida. One year he couldn't afford to pay the electric bill. Damp conditions bring mold.

      I think he had to replace all his clothes at one point. Not easy when you're already too broke to pay the light bill.

    4. tessiee

      "if you live in the rural south, where a disproportionate of the so-called "so-called poor" happen to live, are air conditioning and a motor vehicle actually luxuries … ? Or are they only things that keep you dying of heat stroke and starvation, simultaneously, because you live in an uhabitable backwater, because of your aforementioned poverty?"

      The thing that keeps them feeling sorrier for them is that they consider it 100% totally worth it to spite the queers and the browns.

      1. zhubajie

        I've no doubt that poor blacks tell themselves that they're still better than Hispanics, and vice versa, ad infinitum. If all the rival quarreling varieties of poors would co-operate against their real enemies, they might not be poor any more!

  7. ManchuCandidate

    This might be why a lot of Teabaggers think they're rich.

    Note to HF bootlicks and Teabaggers, you're rich if:
    a) you've never shopped at Walmart
    b) you own your own airforce of private jets… okay air force may be too much, a flight of private jets
    c) you have no wrinkles and you can't move your face and have zero empathy for any human emotion whatsoever
    d) the tax code is changed to accommodate you
    e) you can buy your dumb as shit kids a spot in any ivy league skule
    f) you can hire people to tell the poors they're actually rich… stupid poors.

    1. V572 Hair of Destiny

      Brilliant crescendo effect, like Ezra Pound naming his son "Homer Shakespeare Pound."

    2. MissusBarry

      I once saw a yellow Lamborghini in a Walmart parking lot in Irving, TX…I was befuddled.

        1. MissusBarry

          Oh, how I wish I'd seen the driver. Must've needed to save with those rollback prices on anus burgers to make the car payment.

        2. tessiee

          "Was the driver's hair perfect?"

          Only when he was drinking a pina colada in Trader Vic's.

    3. genxr

      I just know that pile of old washing machines out back is going to bring in a million dollars when I put them up on ebay, and the Obummer is going to tax it all away!

  8. WhatTheHolyHeck

    In their universe, poor people sleep in the dirt and rich people all stand by leaded windows, rubbing their hands together maniacally.

  9. Rotundo_

    They just keep serving up the hits at Heritage. What measure of intelligence does one have to fail to gain a fellowship there? Or is it one of those congenital, oops, inherited honors that one gets (like admission to Yale for illiterate sons of senators etc.?

  10. OurHoboSenator

    I am OUTRAGED that my tax dollars are going to pay for coffee makers for poor people. They should just go to Starbucks like the rest of us.

    1. petehammer

      What is a Starbuck? Do you not have your manservant overnight beans from Colombia?

      Next you'll be telling me you drive your own Bentleys!

      1. tessiee

        "Next you'll be telling me you drive your own Bentleys!"

        I operate my own autogyro and telephoning machine.
        I'm completely independ…


    2. zhubajie

      One of my semi-homeless pals goes to McDonald's, picks out coffee cups from the garbage, and uses them to get "refills".

  11. SexySmurf

    Who needs access to healthcare, decent public schools, an affordable college education, a job that pays a living wage, adequate housing in a crime-free neighborhood, or anything else resembling what used to be called the "middle-class" when you have a ceiling fan AND a cordless phone?

      1. MissusBarry

        Winner, winner (tastes like) chicken dinner?

        Fuck, I might have to find jeebus to get forgiven for typing that atrocity.

        1. widestanceroman

          I'll meet you at the church door, since I was thinking 'well, at least it's kosher.'

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Stupid Heritage Foundation. How are you going to keep the poor hypnotized and off the streets in "pitchfork & torches" mode if they don't have a television that you can stuff bullshit down their throats with?

    1. zhubajie

      Further evidence that the richies and their sycophants are not as smart as they claim.

  13. Callyson

    In 2005, the typical household defined as poor by the government had…
    …a position in the middle class before reckless Republican policies to shovel more and more resources to the rich took hold.

    1. flamingpdog

      And even if you are naked, starving and homeless, it's tough rocks, baby !
      – the Bible, King Koch Version

  14. jus_wonderin

    I must say, here in Texas, if you don't have air conditioning…well, you are not poor. You are dead.

    1. Duly_Noted

      See, we're not hardy like our forefathers. You think Travis had an air conditioned office at the Alamo?

          1. AJWjr.

            Yeah, it's a fight I lost years ago. Moved here for a promotion, and as soon as I sold my house in Paradise, I lost the job here. But at least I have A/C and a television, so I'm rich, right?

          1. elviouslyqueer

            Pfft. I'll see your 106/20 and raise you 101 with 85% humidity. And it's not even goddamn August yet.

          2. smokefilleddoommate

            Shit–that's right– I forgot that pretty much every state except Alaska reaches triple digits now!! And 20% humidity ain't nothing compared to the 90% soup you see on the east coast & south..

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        Elitist! why when I lived in AZ a swamp cooler was good enough for us! (of course we couldn't sleep at all while lying on the bed in a pool of sweat, but at least it was a DRY heat!) just ONE of the reasons I left AZ 20+ years ago and never returned)

  15. Manhattan123

    Can someone please throw a shaving cream pie in the face of the fucking Heritage Foundation?

    1. PristineODummy

      A waste of good shaving cream. Can't we throw a horse semen pie in their collective face instead?

          1. PristineODummy

            I must lie down now. Jeeves, my smelling salts.

            And to think, everyone said I'd never get any use out of this Fainting Couch.

  16. hagajim

    Obviously the dipshits at the Heritage Foundation have never heard of relative depravation. Granted, we don't have poorz like Africa, but I guess the only thing that qualifies you as poor for these pricks is a big bloated malnourished belly and flies eating at your eyes. Sounds delicious.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            Once again, libunatics advocate violence against non-communists! You hypocrites make me sick.

          2. zhubajie

            Have you ever met a real communist? They are pretty conservative these days, like Republicans 50 years ago, before they lost their minds.

          3. zhubajie

            Somehow I wonder if you are a real doctor; what university gave you your degree? Universal Life Church?

    1. flamingpdog

      Mebbe the Salvation Army can start handing out donated guns for the poorz.
      I mean, hey, what kind of army are you if you're not giving out firearms to your members?

  17. SorosBot

    So according to the Heritage Foundation, it's an indictment of America that our poor people aren't suffering enough. Once again, these are evil, evil people.

    1. SmutBoffin

      The funny-ish part is that, even if you do dress in rags and eat moldy crusts thrown from gilded carriages, the Heritage F. still won't give a shit about you.

      1. PristineODummy

        Well, in all fairness, y'all could at least do your bit, you know. Try to look the part and all. How else will they know who to demonize?

      2. tessiee

        "even if you do dress in rags and eat moldy crusts thrown from gilded carriages, the Heritage F. still won't give a shit about you."

        Well, DUH!
        I mean, the only reason you're poor in the first place is because you don't understand the value of hard work and thrift, so it really serves you right.

  18. prommie

    BTW, this is similar to the right wing meme that prisons are "country clubs" because they have TVs. Never mind the crowding, violence, smells, noise, butt-raping, no-freedom-having part 24-7, there's TV, its a paradise.

    1. emmelemm

      I am an acquaintance of someone who's actually been to prison (for a long time), albeit a woman's prison, and it ain't no cakewalk. She actually told us many stories about the food – basically, prisons buy food at ridiculously cheap prices from various sources, food that is often expired or "not quite fit for human consumption" – hence, the source is incapable of selling it elsewhere on the market.

      It's a regular country club up in there, youbetcha.

      1. V572 Hair of Destiny

        The reason men in prison work out all the time is to be strong enough to resist the amorous advances of their fellow convicts.

        1. mumbly_joe

          And yet there was that wonderful study that found that African American mens' life expectancies actually go up while they're incarcerated.

          I f you ever needed proof that poverty has fundamentally broken this country…

          1. flamingpdog

            I wonder if African American men's life expectancies actually go up if they put in an extended term in the military. Just another reason to keep the poorz poor …

        2. PristineODummy

          Also, thanks to all the budget-cutting and the destruction of those soshulist programs like literacy, etc., there's not, like, a helluva lot a guy can do.

    2. Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

      Unlike the baggers, I've been in prison (to visit clients). Apart from everything you mentioned, putting aside the shitty/nonexistent healthcare, living conditions that drive men and women with families at home to commit suicide, psycho Iraq-vet C.O.'s, raging MRSA epidemics, and relentless jailhouse lawyering, prison is just fine. The TeeVees of which they complain are usually circa 1980 Curtis Mathes sets locked in a shatterproof box mounted 8 feet up on a wall in a pod's "communal area", which is sort of like being in a barn with a bunch of cows all taking a shit at once except they're trying to kick your ass at the same time. But at least you can watch TeeVee.

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        thanks for reminding me how fucked up our prison-industrial complex really is…this fucking cuntry has NO moral standing whatsoever as long as we have more of our *citizens* in prison than any other fucking cuntry on the planet, including CHINA, WTF? now I'm even more depressed, good thing I'm STILL drinkin'

    1. DahBoner

      And every time one of their elderly relatives died of sickness or starvation, they just throw them off the truck and get higher MPG. Win, win…

    2. Geminisunmars

      Well, clearly the air wasn't properly conditioned so they went in search of good a/c in their fancy vehicle.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      You know, if they'd just held on to that truck, they'd have a classic vehicle today, and could sell it for big bucks. No foresight, those people.

  19. SmutBoffin

    "I'm Peggy Noonan, and I approve of this research-y paper internet thing.

    Now where'd I put that bottle of Gordon's?"

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      isn't Gordon's the cheap stuff? I'm thinkin' ol Noonancunt is more of a Tanqueray or Bombay kinda gal

  20. Goonemeritus

    In upstate NY it takes just north of 40k for a family of 4 to live without at least occasional assistance. Other parts of the country are more, some are less. Over time this number has inched up while wages have stayed the same or gone down when you figure in benefit reductions. I have said it before but it bears repeating these social programs are more to subsidize the employer than the employee. They exist to fill in the wages that business is refusing to pay.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      But businesses are using that excess money to create jobs!!

      Jobs like chauffeurs, private jet pilots, and high class hookers.

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          thanks for the reference, I'd not heard of this book before being mostly illiterate white man living in Indiana (but I DID go to a India a couple years ago, and the poverty was REAL…perspective is everything)

          1. PristineODummy

            Yes, the poverty is real, and yet the Poorz are a lot kinder to each other and to outsiders than our contingent of the same, who seem to have a vested interest in ensuring that nobody ever gets any more of anything nice or good than they do.

          2. zhubajie

            The tree of liberty needs to be watered with blood once in a while! Why shouldn't sycophants of vile oligarchs make a contribution?

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      well said, hell we're RICH compared to most of the poors, why me and the ol lady make 100K/ year (we each make just over 50K, and it ain't gone up in years) so we gotta be RICH, right? Where's MY tax cuts? (oh yeah, I got a real nice one right after Obama took office. we each get about $200 more per paycheck thanks to the Big O, and we spend it ALL on booze, and guns!)

    3. tessiee

      "social programs are more to subsidize the employer than the employee. They exist to fill in the wages that business is refusing to pay."

      Interesting observation.
      *retires to drawing room to ponder*

  21. OneYieldRegular

    It's the same line of thinking that went into that brilliant defense of torture – that if it wasn't causing death or catastrophic organ failure, then it wasn't torture.

    And by the HF's definition, I'm must be among the poorest of the poor, since I don't have a TV, a car, air conditioning, a microwave oven, a washing machine or dryer, a ceiling fan, a Playstation, or even a coffee-maker. I recently answered the door to a handyman sent by the apartment owners, who said, "I'm here to fix your dishwasher." I had to reply, "You're looking at him."

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Just took a look around my humble abode. I don't own the fridge, oven or stove. My landlord provides it. Is that common?

      1. SorosBot

        Same her; from that list, my fridge, oven/stove, dishwasher, washer and dryer, air conditioner, and obviously ceiling fans all belong to the landlord, not me; it looks like we count though, since the Marie Antoinette Foundation counts what people own or "have available", so as long as your apartment contains basic amenities some of these will be on the list without you owning them.

        1. reliefsinn

          Well, if those busybody, bleeding heart legislatures in many states didn't mandate that landlords provide luxuries like "stoves" and "refrigerators", we would have genuine poor people who had to cook in #10 cans and store their perishables on windowsills. In that case, I imagine it would be ok to feel sorry for them.
          In this case, I feel sorry for the landlords, who are forced to provide luxury items for poors. Think of the job creators!

      2. PristineODummy

        It is where I live. I never had to buy those things before I acquired a moneypit, I mean, house.

    2. zhubajie

      Once, many years ago, some frat rat came to my student slum apartment, saying "we're collecting canned goods for the poor!" I had to tell him "the poor is me!"

    3. PristineODummy

      Hey, wow. I am TEH POORZ!! No TV, no aircon, no ceiling fan, no playstation. Dammit, we do have a washer/dryer, microwave, and coffee thingumajig. What does that make us?

      Also cars, but where we live, etc.

  22. Duly_Noted

    I'm surprised no one thought of this way to measure wealth before. Deciding whether someone is rich or poor based on the crap they have amassed over the years is so much more capitalistic than basing it on "intangibles" like enough decent food to eat or a change of clothing.

  23. Crank_Tango

    Let me suggest that if you have to figure out whether or not you are poor, you are no longer in the middle class.

  24. mavenmaven

    So there's nothing to worry about yet, they aren't dying in the streets en masse yet, so there's still time for some more tax cuts for the wealthy!

    1. DahBoner

      The Koch brothers won't rest until all they have is a large tin can over a fire under the bridge…

      1. flamingpdog

        Sorry, but the Koch brothers won't rest until all those bridges are privately-owned, and then you and your fire will be trespassing. I'm gonna go down to see my grandpups this weekend to teach them how to enjoy their hobo beans cold.

    2. tessiee

      Well, to be strictly accurate, I pretty much use my oven for storing frying pans, rather than actually cooking.
      Do I win something?

  25. GOPCrusher

    What kind of evil piece of shit do you need to be, to want to deny your fellow human beings any material objects?
    Once the Revolution starts, I hope the Poors leave each other alone and go after these fuckers.

    1. V572 Hair of Destiny

      Nope, they're going to go after the libruls who won't let them have the budget and tax cuts that are keeping them from getting rich.

    2. PristineODummy

      Those "fuckers," as you so aptly term them (although I would argue that in their case, it's only half a word), are much harder for Poorz to get to than each other. I mean, srsly, are you going to try to break into the gated and heavily armed private security employing community of, say, Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld? Or just shoot up the grocer down the road who might have the loudly bruited disadvantages of both ethnicity and slightly higher economic status, i.e., enough for you to covet his stuff, but not enough that he can live in said gated community.

    1. DahBoner

      Actually, I heard the other day that people on Welfare are "job creators".

      They (and middle class people) SPEND MONEY, which creates jobs.

      A rich person never once created a job because he got a tax break…

      1. MissTaken

        It's true! When you are living on just a couple of hundreds of dollars a week you will spend every single penny you have that week which stimulates the economy immediately. Give a rich person a tax cut and they may spend it, or may choose to save it which does not stimulate the economy. This is why extending unemployment benefits to the long-term jobless is a much stronger stimulus package in the short (and probably long term as well) than tax cuts.

        1. GOPCrusher

          There's the problem. If those people would take some of that money and put it in a IRA, we could eliminate Social Security!

  26. MissusBarry

    I'd love to see the fine folks from Heritage get all Simple Life and support a family of four on $22,058 a year, then tell me how luxurious their time in Anacostia/8 Mile/Compton/bumfuck/wherever was, having A/C and a cordless phone.

  27. DahBoner

    "In 2005, the typical household defined as poor by the government had a car, air conditioning, color television, cable or satellite TV, a DVD player, a VCR, a game system, a refrigerator, an oven and stove, a microwave, clothes washer, a clothes dryer, ceiling fans, a cordless phone, and a coffee maker."

    And in 2011, the Koch brothers won't rest until they have taken all that from you and all you have left is a stick to draw in the dirt…

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Pfft…like we're going to have time to to draw in the dirt what with scavenging the local landfills.

    2. hagajim

      And if their lucky we'll draw in the dirt instead of shoving it up their asses and roasting them like some fucking pig over an open fire – for dinner!

      1. DahBoner

        Ah, a Bold and Courageous entrepreneur with the American spirit, no doubt!

        I'd go with the Sweet and Spicy Chipotle Honey Mustard dipping sauce for your grilled Koch-on-a-stick to compliment the bitter, sour taste of the flesh…

    3. ChuckieJesus

      Fuck, I look at that list, and I think: Nope, don't miss cable tee vee. Or my old tee vee, for that matter. The only reason why I have a computer is because my socialist, liberal, union job (from whence I am currrently laid off due to Minnesota's rich people not wanting to write laws in all this heat) helped me to purchase one. I actually have a portion of my paycheck taken for 24 months, just so I can go on the intertubes in something that isn't the equivalent of a 1983 Yugo.

      Doesn't stop me from having to go to the food shelf sometimes. Especially lately.

    4. tessiee

      "the Koch brothers won't rest until they have taken all that from you and all you have left is a stick to draw in the dirt…

      But not that fancy store-bought dirt.

  28. prommie

    I thought this issue was settled for once and for all years ago, when Krauthammer and the rest of the echo-pinionaters threw out that talking point about how the poors are actually "lucky duckies," that they actually have it great, what with their TVs and telephones and suchwhat.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      While at the same time, it is sooooooo hard to make ends meet on $450k/yr, so moartaxcutsplz!

      1. PristineODummy

        Didn't one of our Congresscritters opine recently as to how he was SUFFERING having to try and make ends meet on the taxpayer-funded quarter-million per year? Whiny little bitch somehow confused "public service" with "gobs of money," apparently. Yet, it's our unionized public employees whose pay and benefits need a-slashin'.

        1. HogeyeGrex

          Yeah. I was thinking of him, that assclown lawyer from last year and some other twunt who recently was publicly bemoaning his awful, awful existence being relegated to making just south of a mil a year.

          It makes me want to punch them.

          With a woodchipper.

  29. metamarcisf

    The current shitstorm on The Daily Caller due to the headache article is indeed fun to watch.

    1. PristineODummy

      Won't someone think of the chiyuldrun? Won't SOMEone report back on what's happening over there? Some of us just don't want to wade in all that poo, yaknow.

  30. Poindexter718

    After all, these "Poors" with basic cable can always show their hungry kids the Food Network.

  31. spinozasgod

    The HF guide to end public assistance:

    you aren't poor unless your homeless and you can't get public assistance without a permanant address…….

  32. SayItWithWookies

    And I always thought the heritage that the Heritage Foundation named itself after was the heritage of the antebellum South — turns out it was the heritage of the Bourbon monarchy.

  33. JackObin

    Yes, but do they WATCH the television. If they do, then they can be considered nothing but poor.

    1. GOPCrusher

      They should spend that time they watch the television, out looking for a job. Those lazy layabouts!

    2. zhubajie

      Well, they're not allowed to have vegetable gardens! What else are they going to do? Booze is expensive and encourages brooding, violence against the righteous rich….

  34. mumbly_joe

    As far as TVs go: they're cheaper than daycare, and if you're raising a family on $22k, you probably don't have the sorta job that lets you pick up your kids from school.

  35. KommunistKitty

    After determining that being poor in America is super easy, every member of the Heritage Foundation's Board of Trustees has agreed to demonstrate this fact by living under the poverty line with their families while collecting no government assistance for the next year.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      You don't have all the stress of worrying about your private jet taxes going back up a bit, either.

    2. PristineODummy

      They make it sound so easy, don't they? I remember being poor. Fortunately, I knew that poverty would come to an end some day. After a few years of that, I was ready to lie down and die. I'm surprised the Poorz don't just pull an epic mass suicide stunt in this country. It is that depressing to be poor.

      1. GrayRogue

        Screw that–the way things are headed, there'll be a mass *homicide* stunt pretty soon….

  36. Mort_Sinclair

    Clearly those Heritage Foundation folks aren't pining for the fjords, they're pining for the good ol' days of the Dust Bowl, when Americans enjoyed their bowl of dust for breakfast and were grateful for it when they weren't trying to pry up some stray dessicated root vegetable on the side of the (dirt) road for supper.

  37. Cicada

    It is crystal clear that none of these Heritage Foundation fucksticks has ever lived anywhere near the poverty line. Being poor isn't about if you have a television, it's about being one step closer to losing your home if your kid has to go to the hospital. Or having to decide between paying the electric bill and paying for your asthma medicine. Or figuring out if you can suck it up and go to work with a raging fever so you don't lose your gas money for the week.

    It's desperation, and a constant low-level anxiety that you're about to topple over the abyss and become one of the people you see on the street with nothing but their belongings in a cart. It's the fear that you'll lose not only your home, but your family, if you fall behind on the rent one more time. Is it the same as the poverty experienced in places like Somalia or Bengal? No. But it's still fucking shameful and unnecessary in a country as wealthy as ours.

    I fucking loathe these rich, smug, privileged douchebags more than syphilitic scabies, because the scabies have more empathy and human decency. If I had a magic wand, I would force each and every one of them to live in poverty for the rest of their lives, just to wipe the smug smirks of their puffy, elitist faces. And yeah, that's class warfare. But anyone who has watched the rich shit on the working class and poor in this country for the last 30 or 40 years knows class warfare has been going on for a hell of a long time. The big difference is that none of the big boys at FOX or CNN will whine about it if it's just dirty little lower class nobodies getting it in the neck.

    1. V572 Hair of Destiny

      As warfare goes, our American class warfare is terrifically one-sided. The Riches are just a few days away from total victory.

    2. DrBobNM

      hope you regularly contribute to you charity of choice. Then maybe these folks can get off the dole.

        1. DrBobNM

          perhaps to a brain dead liberal like yourself. Charity should be voluntary, not mandated by a socialist government. But I would guess you wouldn't see it that way.

          1. PristineODummy

            It would appear that your synapses are firing out of phase. Consider that in order for the restive Poorz to be less than restive, a certain economic paradigm must exist, and that paradigm mandates that a certain percentage of the population must not have employment, i.e., a welfare class of publicly-subsidized poor must exist. Private charity cannot take the place of government subsidy for this class. For them to be employed, i.e., for full employment to exist, means triggering inflation in an unending cycle of higher wages/higher prices. Not everyone can, will, or should contribute to such charitable efforts as are required to keep the unemployed class from being restive. However, taxes come from all classes of society and can effectively keep the unemployed class from simultaneously sharing the dubious, at best, honour of also being the starving class. I should have thought that would be obvious even to someone as determined to pretzel him/herself into such illogical positions as yourself.

            Perhaps your time would be better spent doing a little reading on the causes of poverty and the remedies therefor. As a hint, gratis, consider that the waging of wars on poverty has done precious little to end it.

          2. Dashboard_Jesus

            Dear DickBob, it seems yer COMPLETELY outta yer league here and DEFINITELY in the wrong place, moron (and as a primary care physician for over 30 years I'm qualified to say yer diagnosis is terminal brain trauma, possibly caused by the lack of hydration, from the dessert air?) asshole, also

          3. zhubajie

            Liberals are merely people who don't want to be slaves of Conservacrooks.
            Conservatives are people who want to be masters of slaves.

          4. SorosBot

            That was Marie Antoinette's attitude; she deserved her fate, as does anyone else who believes that fucking sociopathic bullshit.

          5. tessiee

            "Charity should be voluntary, not mandated by a socialist government."

            Translation: Poor folks should get nothing from the government; they should only have whatever rich folks feel like throwing their way.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      As Barbara Ehrenreich detailed in Nickel and Dimed, it's pretty fucking expensive to be poor. See also this column…and her more recent book, This Land Is Their Land, reviewed here.

      1. BklynIlluminati

        Only when i am macking with my welfare queens. I stack'em together I'm thrashy that way!

  38. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You might not be poor, but if you have less than a HD 36-inch set, is your life really worth living?

    1. GlowneyHouse

      My favorite part is the two COLOR teevees… as if the really poor must have black and white units with a broken knob (and not enough money to buy a pair of pliers to change the channel.)

      1. PristineODummy

        Upfisted because that was my exact sentiment, fortunately for only five minutes, though. Now I'm just angry.

  39. WinterOuthouse

    What is left unsaid: "The negro/messican/muslin/single mother poor stole their TV from the the rich person living on the RIGHT side of the tracks."

  40. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, I'm surprised that the Heritage Foundation doesn't consider anyone poor that doesn't have at least one servant to bring them the chilled pâté.

      1. flamingpdog

        Well, that article actually gave me some … hope. It said that the Heritage Foundation is "what the New York Times calls 'the Parthenon of the conservative metropolis.'”
        Seems to me that these days the Parthenon is kind of a fixer-upper.

  41. littlebigdaddy

    Wow not just TV sets but COLOR TV sets (which they have in fucking Mongolia, for fucks sake)!

        1. PristineODummy

          Especially if they sell the kidneys separately.

          Wut? I waz assured that broiling babies in cream was the best way to dispose of them.

  42. Naked_Bunny

    If you take away poor people's televisions, what's to distract them away from planning the revolution?

  43. BlueStateLibel

    Yeah, this strategy will work, HB dweebs, just convince the poor that they're not REALLY poor. Peggy Noonan tried the same crap for Bush the 1st, arguing Americans are just whiners and should be grateful they have indoor plumbing. It worked really well for Bush I's re-election. When the poors come for you with the pitchforks, telling them they're not really poor will work just as well.

    1. zhubajie

      I expect plumbing and sewer systems in the US to decline, because who wants to pay tax money to fix them? Only wicked people get sick, after all, and they can get healed by the local faith-healer, right?

      But in reality, if the poor suffer from cholera, typhus, typhoid, malaria, etc., then the rich get them too.

  44. DrBobNM

    they have more stuff than I do, and I get no govt assistance :-(

    their kids are fatter than mine as well.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, goodie, we have a "poor people are fat, so they must be eating well" troll.

      Gee, that couldn't have anything to do with the fact that the cheapest foods are also crap when it comes to nutrition, could it? Ever read the label on a box of mac n cheese?

      1. DrBobNM

        Hi Dok,

        no troll, zoom.

        rice and low fat beans are a good cheap source of carbs and protein. It's just these people are too f-ing stupid and lazy to cook for themselves. You spend 2 hours on sunday afternoon cooking up a large portion of that, and store it in their govt supplied refrigerator.

        ever eat at Micky-Ds? That's where these leeches eat most of their meals.

        As expensive as some cheap good pasta joints.

        Welfare was intended as a safety net after the great depression, and for the last 30 years or more its become an entitlement/a way of life.

        and you wonketters support it like it is part of the american dream, LOL.

        poor students of history, looks like.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition seems to think otherwise. A couple of lines from the abstract:

          1) the highest rates of obesity occur among population groups with the highest poverty rates and the least education.

          2) energy-dense foods composed of refined grains, added sugars, or fats may represent the lowest-cost option to the consumer.

          3) poverty and food insecurity are associated with lower food expenditures, low fruit and vegetable consumption, and lower-quality diets. … Such diets are more affordable than are prudent diets based on lean meats, fish, fresh vegetables, and fruit….More and more Americans are becoming overweight and obese while consuming more added sugars and fats and spending a lower percentage of their disposable income on food.

          You're right that it is possible to eats nutritious foods on a tight budget–but there are very strong market incentives not to. (How big an advertising budget does the American Beans & Rice Council have…?)

          And yes, fast food is definitely part of the problem–it's relatively affordable, convenient, and it's crap. It's also far more readily available, and relentlessly marketed. Should people be better at avoiding it? Yep. But there's big money to be made in selling people crap, and considerably less money to be made in selling nutritious food.

        2. tessiee

          "rice and low fat beans are a good cheap source of carbs and protein. It's just these people are too f-ing stupid and lazy to cook for themselves."

          Yeah, Mexicans just HATE rice and beans.

      2. Cicada

        C'mon Dok, don't you know that poor people are fat and stupid and lazy? The master race of the rich deserve everything they have, LULZZZZZZZZZ.

        Not trollin', nossiree.

      3. PristineODummy

        I believe teh troll in question resents the fact that teh Poorz are eating *at all.*

      1. DrBobNM

        nah, I'm just robbed with taxes so these leeches can have their 3 tvs and air-conditioning.

        A real incentive to go out and get training to better themselves, NOT. Why not have a couple more kids? Get some more perks.

        you part of the 43% of americans who pay NO taxes? Imagine so.

        Either that, or your so rich you don't care one way or the other. Better not let your fellow board members know that.

        1. Cicada

          If you got a better paying job, then you would be able to afford nice things even with a high tax burden. If you just worked hard enough, you could earn all of those televisions and nice cars. Why not set your goal at 100k per year? It's totally doable for any REAL American with gumption and a willingness to expend some elbow grease.

          Oh yeah, and I'm totally well-off because I got a fancy schmancy advanced degree, and so did my hubby. We're basically everything you despise: well-off, educated, and liberal. Moohoohahahaha!! Suck on that, baby.

          1. DrBobNM

            "…We're basically everything you despise: well-off, educated, and liberal….."

            useless degrees no doubt.

            "…“If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty you have no brain.”…" Churchill

            I would assume you are the latter?

            BTW, $130k a year doesn't go as far as it used to, I can attest to that, locust.

          2. Cicada

            130k and you don't have enough? God, how pathetic. You are in no position to lecture anyone on how to handle their finances.

          3. DrBobNM

            how about education of a child? childless self-centered brainless a-holes like you and you hubby have no business going off like you do on this MB.

            people like you are a good reason why this country is going down the tubes. Pontificating, self-important imbeciles educated is some useless liberal profession.

          4. Cicada

            You're really digging on that "useless liberal profession" line, aren't you? Have fun with that.

            As far as your gripe about education of a child, I'll refer you to your own answer to Gleem below: Responsible family planning. If you didn't want to pay for children, you shouldn't have had them. Or hell, I'm sure your offspring are such examples of Randian exceptionalism that they can do what my husband and I did: worked and applied for scholarships. Or *gasp* they could even attend a two year community college before transferring to a four year institution to defray costs.

            Seriously, most people don't take it for granted that their kids are going to college. My family sure as hell didn't. You sound like a privileged, out-of-touch whiner who thinks life should be made easy just for little old him.

            Poor baby, eking by on just 130k a year. You do realize you make over twice the median income in this country, right? You have it easy.

          5. DrBobNM

            so you ARE a childless self-centered self-important couple? too bad your parents didn't think likewise.

            100k x 2 I would guess, you should talk. It is you who is out of touch in your ivory tower.

            so how do you personally help the plight of these poor unfortunates?

            On second thought, don't answer.

          6. Cicada

            Oh yes, horrible, childless, self-centered etc etc. And we help the poor by buying them lattes, which we dispense from our Prius as we nibble on arugula salads and laugh at Real Americans for watching Jersey Shore.

            IT'S ALL TRUE.

          7. PristineODummy

            Nearly three times the amount that the average American family of four must live on.

          8. tessiee

            "childless self-centered brainless a-holes"

            Wait, isn't part of the reason that poor people are poor that they're whorey and keep pooping out kids?

          9. nonbeliever7

            Anyone making $130k should consider it their patriotic duty to chip in another 2% to help this great amber-waved country become hopeful for all. Greed certainly fucks up the minds of formerly decent folks.

        2. Gleem_McShineys

          Bob says "Why not have a couple more kids? Get some more perks."

          Bob, what are you suggesting? That they get abortions?

          LOL. Poor troll. Did you forget whether we've always been fighting Eastasia?

        3. SorosBot

          Oh god, it's that ridiculous "44% of Americans pay no taxes" meme again, only this time changed to 43%.

          You stupid lying ass, do you know how fucking stupid you look when you repeat something that wingnut trolls keep saying again and again and again, no matter how many times it's been debunked? But I guess you are just following the advice of your hero Goebbels, "If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth."

          So please, stop lying; and if you need to lie, try using one that's at least somewhat original.

          1. mumbly_joe

            Even if it weren't an outright lie, it'd be hella misleading. There's a pretty fucking huge difference between my also-advanced-degree-having mother whose sole income is 12k in disability payments thanks to a career-ending injury, and has a tax burden of zero, and companies like GE which are making record profits, and a negative effective tax rate.

            Apparently, it's people like my mother who aren't paying their fare share for the American Dream, doncha know.

          2. Doktor Zoom

            Now, is she a "Lucky Ducky," a "leech," or both? I'm guessing both, since she managed to get on the disability gravy train, but that is also $12k of someone else's hard-earned tax money that she's whooping it up with.

            When Dickens had Scrooge say "Let them hurry up and die then, and reduce the surplus population," it was supposed to be so monstrous that people would recoil at the thought. Apparently it was taken as sound policy advice by some.

          3. tessiee

            "it's that ridiculous "44% of Americans pay no taxes" meme again, only this time changed to 43%"

            *raises hand hesitantly*
            Are we including corporations in that 43%? After all, they're people now.

    2. zhubajie

      It's expensive to be skinny in America. Fresh vegetables are expensive. Macaroni & cheese in a box is cheap.

        1. smokefilleddoommate

          …and only greedy materialistic capitalist pigfuckers can't seem to get by on 130k/year (not really sure I even believe that) yet feel the need to take it up with people that make a fraction of their supposed earnings. Honestly, I feel sad for people like you.. Take all of your 'stuff' away and what is left? An empty hole (which is what you are)–a sad, stupid, selfish empty fucking hole that only material wealth can fill.
          –So keep chasin' that almighty dollar!

      1. tessiee

        Well, of COURSE poor people are fat!
        They're evil, therefore they're fat.
        Q.E. fuckin' D.

    3. Gleem_McShineys

      "they have more stuff than I do, and I get no govt assistance "

      Quit whining about it, and go on the dole, then, since it obviously is the major gravy train. Nobody's stopping you.

      Seriously. Give it a shot. Cut your income so you qualify for assistance, and test out your theory. LIVE THE HIGH LIFE, BOBBAH!

      1. DrBobNM

        I don't qualify in any regard. And I don't pull the fraudulent crap like many on assistance.

    4. Gleem_McShineys

      They sell all of these items at Goodwill centers too, Dr. Bob, for really goddamn cheap.

      You want "stuff," go buy it used. Problem solved, and your cakehole can finally be closed! WE ALL WIN.

      Look, the Heritage Foundation doesn't care whether this "stuff" was made in 2005 (like their study's data) or if your stuff is so worn out that it may be practically useless… to them, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU HAVE ONE!

      Instead of letting some professional Think Tank-employed professional pundit assholes convince you that the "real problem" is people without money, seriously, go solve your own problems. "Stuff" is cheap, and you know it.

        1. Crank_Tango

          you don't know from filled with expletives, you stupid troll cunt. Now go fuck off back to breitbart where you belong before you have to read some strong language, cockmuncher.

          1. DrBobNM

            is that a barney fife avatar? You liberals are a tough bunch, that's for sure.

            your low life approach is not very becoming to the political persuasion that is supposed to be tolerant and compassionate, LMAO

          2. Cicada

            I think you're a little too focused on bad language. I can say much meaner things without even breaking FCC rules.

            *cracks knuckles*

            You are a pus-filled chancre nestled in the sweaty folds of Newt Gingrich's pannus. Your brain is so full of excrement that brownish-green slime spills out of your mouth every time you say a word. Your parents secretly hated you, and your mother fantasized that the many times she threw herself down the stairs while you were in her belly had worked. Your children see you as a failure, and they wonder why you spend so much of your life pecking away at a keyboard like a sad teenager with no friends. Your breath smells like the yellowish ooze from an elderly cocker spaniel's anal sacs. Your body looks like a collection of half-filled water balloons covered in hair.

            See? Getting hung up on a few four-letter words is just silly.

          3. PristineODummy

            Did I already say "Marry me and don't have my babies"? Because, you know, just in case I didn't.

          4. Dashboard_Jesus

            fuck I love yer way with the werds, will you gay marry me? (but I'm not really gay, ok)

          5. tessiee

            "the political persuasion that is supposed to be tolerant and compassionate"

            "poor people are lazy" — check
            "liberals are the REAL intolerant ones" — check
            "people without kids are selfish" —
            *sound of record scratching*
            What th'…
            THAT's not in the Fox handbook of memes, is it?

          6. tessiee

            Ooh! Ooh!
            *waves hand eagerly*
            Can I tell him to lick the ass of a menstruating skunk?

        2. Gleem_McShineys

          Seriously, playing the expletives card? Are we a confused little dainty dandy who has lost our parasol? Are we feeling an onset of the case of the vapours?

          Just where the hell did you think you were posting?


          *kicks troll down giant hole labeled ASSFUCKING*

  45. smitallica

    See, Heritage Foundation, the poor can afford TVs because they're so cheap, thanks to our corporations shipping the jobs to make them overseas, thereby making more poor people here. See how that works?

  46. __kth__

    I have an idea for a study: how long can a Heritage Foundation staffer live on a diet of salted rat dicks?

  47. ChuckieJesus

    Like I told my kid, who'll be turning twenty soon in this useless fucking economy: Everyone else thinks your problems are drama, simply because your problems aren't theirs.

    A friend posted the cleaned up National Review Online version of this tripe. He's one of the few Repub/Libertarian friends I have left. The rest I shed throughout the last decade, mostly through switching "social networks". I guess back in 2005, I could tolerate their shit a little more.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      wow, you made it to 2005? srsly, most of us lost it after the SCOTUS handed the Pretzeldency to the Shrub, fer FREE! (not really, they wuz paid a lot)

        1. BlueMonkeh

          I'm surrounded by the haters. It's very difficult living in a place where you know the majority of people you interact with every day support these greedy fuckers and are too ignorant/blind to see how much they're being used.

      1. tessiee

        "after the SCOTUS handed the Pretzeldency to the Shrub"

        The first time or the second time?
        Oh, wait.
        The second time, Diebold handed it to him.
        My bad.

  48. GeorgiaBurning

    They have a point. The poor we have now are pathetic. Vote republican in 2012 and wait a few years, you'll see begging for pennies, Bangladesh-style third-world-class poor.

    1. zhubajie

      In real 3rd world countries, poor people are generally allowed to raise vegetable gardens, to buy and sell crap in flea markets. Not in the USA!

      1. Negropolis

        Honestly, do you know how fucking expensive cake is these days? She was practically a socialist.

        1. PristineODummy

          Being a Poorz, I don't get to eat cake. So of course, I don't know how expensive it is. :)

  49. Come here a minute

    If any of these supposedly "poor" women have long hair, well, that proves they're not really poor. They could be selling that hair and entrepreneuring a small business, creating jobs.

  50. Chet Kincaid

    Let's face it, we have oversold the American Dream and convinced people who don't have the financial means to pursue it that it is attainable for them. Meanwhile, the real victims, our financial and consumer goods companies, have been deceived into believing that there is an ever-expanding market for their products and services. What are some possible remedies? Well, we could de-naturalize all unemployed and financially unviable persons in American society, making it possible for them to work at the lower-than-minimum wages that attract so many illegals here, thus sparing the companies who hire the undocumented the shame and stigma of duress illegal hiring practices. Ultimately though, why is it the government's responsibility to subsidize unprofitable lifestyles? While other forms of liquidation might bring some moral and ethical difficulties, means-tested sterilization is certainly worthy of a vigorous debate. We must begin to think of the uterus as the final border, and it is in America's most vital interest to secure it, once and for all.

    1. Cicada

      We should also consider means-tested euthanasia. Human tallow is a renewable energy source and could be the answer to American energy independence. This was outlined in the Heritage Foundation's 2010 review: Refining The Indigent, A Path to Prosperity.

    2. tessiee

      "an ever-expanding market for their products and services"

      I'm assuming that this is part of the snark, but it's also true.
      In order for the economy go go on as it has, people (rich, poor, middle-class, or otherwise) need to waste money constantly buying stuff they don't need.
      If people aren't throwing away money on a new car every year, that's probably a good thing — but then, what happens to the auto workers?
      (OK, the auto workers have pretty much already bitten the big one, but you see what I mean, right?)

  51. Gleem_McShineys


    Welcome to the Heritage Foundation! Here at the Foundation, we've been working our analysts and pundits day and night, trying to come up with a way to divert your average low-information voter's attention away from exploitative corporations, and middle-class crushing political policies, and turn these things into petty jealousy and real anger at poor people! With your help, we can turn this into real, useful violence!

    Our thinkers have worked out a simple formula for counting "Stuff" that almost automatically enrages the very people we wish to exploit.

    It works because all across the commercial entertainment spectrum, from television, to movies, to radio, the concept that "HAVING STUFF" is presented as being equal to "HAVING HAPPINESS." This is always first and foremost, it is ensconced in "The American Dream." Anyone exposed to modern entertainment knows without a doubt that items are desirable. And possessing items conveys status!

    So our geniuses devised a report showing that "the poor" also possess certain items that could also be considered status symbols, like "DVD Players" or "Two color televisions," (we leave out how these items, in the context of poor people owning them, are actually fucked up old pieces of shit that anyone but poor schlubs would actually be embarrassed to own) we can readily exploit the average schmoe's nearly automatic jealousy centers! "Poor People Are Competing With You, and WINNING." It is really quite elegant.

    So let's get out there and exploit that unfocused anger, people! Class wars ain't gonna fight themselves! The Kochs need their tax cuts!

    1. tessiee

      "Anyone exposed to modern entertainment knows without a doubt that items are desirable. And possessing items conveys status!"

      Wait, I thought that to have happiness, status, and world peace, we had to have NEW stuff, and so we constantly had to get rid of non-trendy old stuff and run out and buy the latest whatever it is.
      Did the rule get changed?

      Also, what kind of name is "Cave Johnson"? I suspect it's a combination of two euphemisms for genitalia.

  52. Radiotherapy®

    Of course the teevees are important to their narrative. The poors AND the suckers need to be fed Föx News 24/7.

  53. ttommyunger

    Out of touch much, asshole? Better stock your "Safe Room" for a long siege; wouldn't want you to die too soon.

  54. Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

    This reminds me of the article written by some fundamentalist "Christian" minister a couple of years ago in, I think it was Reader's Digest (I wish I could find it) which made the following argument:
    1. God wants Americans to be healthy and live prosperous lives.
    2. God gave His Divine Wisdom to Ray Kroc to start the McDonald's Hamburger Company, which serves cheap, filling & nutritious meals for not much money, which helps the Poors eat.
    3. Ergo, Mickey D's is proof that God Loves America because instead of dirt-farming and searching for grubs and worms, our Poors can eat anusburgers and drink HFCS-laden sodas.

    1. flamingpdog

      It's nice to see that the Reader's Disgust has continued its quest to lower its literary standards since I stopped reading it ten years ago.

      [Defensive note: My conservative Republican parents gave the subscription to me as an Xmas present for 25 years and I didn't mind 'cause I liked the dumb jokes, but it got so bad that my parents stopped subscribing for themselves.]

  55. Negropolis

    In that short excerpt, they not only attack the poor, but get their jollies in by getting in a dig at Catholics, too. They satisfy multiple bloodlusts in those few paragraphs.

  56. imissopus

    Poor Dr. Bob – surrounded by leeches, leeches I tell you! All those poor people just cold fakin' it to get their greedy hands on even more of his hard-earned money, sucking poor Bob's teats dry. Why can't they just leave Bob alone? All poor Bob wants to do is sit in his basement and masturbate to old tapes of Rush Limbaugh's show. But no, he has to go out and work hard to support all the leeches who take and take but give nothing in return! Well, there is one thing: they haven't risen up and burned Bob's house down and skinned him and used his skin as a blanket on cold nights…too busy taking that measly pittance he reluctantly gives them and figuring out how to stretch it out for weeks at a time. Should they cut down to only one meal a day? Pay the rent or put gas in the car? Maybe buy the kid a new t-shirt so she doesn't have to go to school wearing a Goodwill cast-off? Who cares, you leech! Bob is paying for your daughter's t-shirt, and do you even give him the courtesy of thanking him or blowing him in the bathroom of the Albeuquerque Dennys? That's right, take in all 1.5 inches of Dr. Bob! Hurry it up so he can get back to his Grand Slam before the bacon gets all cold and rubbery!

    Some people are grateful to live in a society that at least makes an attempt, no matter how meager, to take care of its citizens. Then there are people like Dr. Bob, who should lose everything and have to live in the bottom of a ditch.

    1. tessiee

      "All those poor people just cold fakin' it to get their greedy hands on even more of his hard-earned money, sucking poor Bob's teats dry."

      Bob has tits?
      Pictures or —
      on second thought, no.

  57. wrksuxcreatbeer

    And STILL no revolution. I guess until someone starts making Soylent Green out of teh Poors, they'll just sit in front of their tv's in their trailer mansions eating filet o' fish and dreaming of being hundred-aires.

  58. CHUDster_Arthur

    This makes sense, as the Heritage Foundation is almost certainly stocked with people who grew up in difficult economic conditions, and thus understand what the poor need.

    And not, say, a bunch of pompous, privileged sycophants to the super-wealthy who wish that poor people would just crawl into some cave and die.

  59. zhubajie

    If you spend any time in 3rd world countries, you will soon notice that most people have TVs or at least can go watch a neighbor's. US TV show are everywhere, inspiring potential emigrants to getup and go!

  60. tessiee

    Well, if the corporations paid enough for people to buy this stuff on their own, they wouldn't be able to create jerbs.

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