Heritage Foundation Guy: You Don’t Count As ‘Poor’ If You Own A TV

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

you better not be going home to an air conditioned squatters' camp, man.Over 40 million Americans live below the federal poverty line, defined in 2011 as $22,058 a year for a family of four, which is sort of an embarrassingly large percentage of dirty hobo children to have running around in God’s favorite country. How do we fix that, besides editing the numbers on the Wikipedia page? Right-wing think tank the Heritage Foundation has this idea, because they have been noticing lately that lots of “supposedly poor people” out there also still have cheap television sets and refrigerators full of frozen chicken nuggets, which means they are not starving to death. Hey, that doesn’t actually sound so poor?

Poor people occasionally still have a few things left to them as a result of the last six decades of relentless corporate marketing designed to push cheap consumer appliances and electronics into every corner of American life, things which many people purchased with credit, i.e. fake money that ironically also helped make them poor. But strangely, those non-biodegradable objects are still hanging around even since the jobs, income, savings, food security and education have all disappeared. So what if we just started counting everyone who has any of these leftover plastic waste products as “not poor?” POLICY GENIUS.

From the Heritage Foundation paper “Conclusion”:

In 2010, the U.S. Census Bureau declared that one in seven Americans lived “in poverty.” Catholic Charities has declared, “The existence of such widespread poverty amidst such enormous wealth is a moral and social wound in the soul of the country.”

To the average American, the word “poverty” implies significant material deprivation, an inability to provide a family with adequate nutritious food, reasonable shelter, and clothing. Activists reinforce this view, declaring that being poor in the U.S. means being “unable to obtain the basic material necessities of life.” The news media amplify this idea: Most news stories on poverty feature homeless families, people living in crumbling shacks, or lines of the downtrodden eating in soup kitchens.

The actual living conditions of America’s poor are far different from these images. In 2005, the typical household defined as poor by the government had a car and air conditioning. For entertainment, the household had two color televisions, cable or satellite TV, a DVD player, and a VCR. If there were children, especially boys, in the home, the family had a game system, such as an Xbox or PlayStation. In the kitchen, the household had a refrigerator, an oven and stove, and a microwave. Other household conveniences included a clothes washer, a clothes dryer, ceiling fans, a cordless phone, and a coffee maker.

The main complaint of this paper seems to be that “government assistance is allowing most poor people to eat food enough times a day that they can avoid selling their $15 Wal-Mart DVD players.” Which, like that will ever happen.  [Heritage Foundation]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 469 comments }

Barb July 19, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Yes, G.E. and the other corporations don't count as "poor" either. Let's stop the corporate welfare.

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Hi Sister, wish me luck I have an audition for a big, franchise Blockbuster movie tomorrow morning, lots of money for about 3 days work, cross your digits for me.

Barb July 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Love you! I promise that my heart and well wishes go with you. xo xo

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Thanks , Baby.

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Shall we pray for you?

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

What possible harm could it do?

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Well, if you're in OK, you definitely won't get rained on. Also, too, I only go to the movies about once every other year, but I would totally trade all my hobo beans for a ticket to see you on the big screen!

genxr July 19, 2011 at 5:15 pm

As long as Rick Perry doesn't pray for you.

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Good luck!

weejee July 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I'll down an Old Peculiar on your behalf. Break a leg.

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Fuck me, when I was in charge of the college JCR bar I used to drink a great deal of Theakston's Old Peculiar.

weejee July 19, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Figured that you had to have sipped one or two.

Weenus299 July 19, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Do it! Do it well!

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 4:52 pm

If you get the part, will invite us all to the premiere? Anyway, good luck!

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Of course.

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Good luck!!

user-of-owls July 19, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Hah!

Now that would be one hell of an entourage, eh?

Lady Gaga's people would cry bitter tears of envy when the Wonk-Squad marched over the red carpet.

user-of-owls July 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

A BIG Hoot-Out to you, dear thing!! You go rock the livin' shit out of that audition!

I know for a fact that all the auditionettes are no more than dozy cunts. By the time the poor auditioners, punished by one wretch after another, see you blaze into the room, they will shout 'Hallelujah', get huge girl boners and bolt the doors shut. Guaranteed.

Can't wait to see you on the screen….a dream come true. Knock 'em dead, my friend.

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Thanks, precious avian pal o' mine.

Chillwaver July 19, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Oh, boy…for a sec there, I thought you were talking about opening a Blockbuster franchise! Good luck (and I hope it's not a Micheal Bay film)!

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Good luck, Lizzie! I'll start the guessing with Frigg, wife of Odin and mother of Thor, in The Avengers movie?

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Isn't the proper sendoff supposed to be "break a leg"? Anyway, good luck.
Also, happy yesterday birthday!

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Break a leg, Limey, Break a leg.

ShaveTheWhales July 19, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Break one of them short legs.

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 4:47 pm

But G.E. made no money last year!

According to their tax returns they didn't, at least.

snoopyfan2010 July 19, 2011 at 6:26 pm

True, but look at all the appliances they own!

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Slightly off-topic, B & Ll, but I love it when the two of you get all gushy lesbionic friendish/loverish on each other. Could I arrange for the two of you to meet Michele Bachmann with some prepared questions in the ladies room in the theater where your movie premieres?

P. S. I originally typed "fiendish/loverish" by mistake, and thought about leaving it that way.

Crank_Tango July 19, 2011 at 4:32 pm

You also don't count as american if you don't own a TV, bam.

genxr July 19, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Did you see American Idol last night? You didn't? Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me help you out by describing every act in detail.

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Mom, is that you?

baconzgood July 19, 2011 at 4:54 pm

SHIT! If they are too poor to have a TV they aren't americans and if they have one they aren't poor. DAMN SON!!! You just stopped poverty in emirca. USA USA USA!!

Crank_Tango July 19, 2011 at 5:21 pm

sort-ed!!!

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Isn't it great to be Number … two.

ChuckieJesus July 19, 2011 at 6:49 pm

OIC wut you did thar…

NYNYNYjr July 20, 2011 at 12:11 am

Ees a catcha twentee two

satyricrash July 19, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Pshhh. Poor, you say. My good man, these people still have hair they can sell for wigs!

Crank_Tango July 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I know a girl who sold her hair to buy a dude a watch fob. Or maybe it was an ipod docking station.

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

That was from "Sugar & Spice" right?

BornInATrailer July 19, 2011 at 5:04 pm

That was my wife. Sadly, I had sold my iPod to get her one of those new flat iron curlers.

Duly_Noted July 19, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Not to mention at least one redundant kidney!

TheMeatmaker July 20, 2011 at 2:29 am

And sometimes a supernumerary nipple.

Eve8Apples July 19, 2011 at 5:44 pm

And they can give blowjobs to Heritage Foundation members — that's a marketable job skill.

metamarcisf July 19, 2011 at 4:34 pm

"…other luxuries included forty acres and a mule."

riverside68 July 19, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Correction: a promise of forty acres and a mule

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 6:38 pm

I can't be butt-hurt about a bullshit promise of land Buckra stole from somebody else.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:02 pm

There's many a sip 'twixt the cup and the lip.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 2:40 am

I'm still waiting for my unity pony, too.

genxr July 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

He means they lead a rich intellectual life, what with all the quality programming on during prime time in sweeps week.

exmartinette July 19, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Oven AND stove? Why, these n'ere do wells are eating cooked food!

Oh, wait, they shut off the gas and electricity months ago…

monty4prez July 19, 2011 at 4:37 pm

These people are not living like the orphans in Oliver Twist so obviously they're not poor.

genxr July 19, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Oliver Twist? Unmitigated opulence! When I was a lad being poor meant living at the bottom of a lake, waking up half an hour before going to bed, working 40 hours, then dad would rip off our arms for supper.

Ansnarkist July 19, 2011 at 7:02 pm

We must do something about that posthaste, indubitably.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 4:50 pm

"living like the orphans in Oliver Twist"

Well, OK, that gruel is actually artificial gruel substitute.

mumbly_joe July 19, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Ugh, you see this meme pop up from time to time. Here's a question: if you live in the rural south, where a disproportionate of the so-called "so-called poor" happen to live, are air conditioning and a motor vehicle actually luxuries, in any comprehensible sense of the term? Or are they only things that keep you dying of heat stroke and starvation, simultaneously, because you live in an uhabitable backwater, because of your aforementioned poverty?

And do cars and air conditioning pay for themselves, or do they simply gouge an even larger chunk out of a budget already insuffiencient to provide for other material needs?

genxr July 19, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Before I answer that question… do they vote Republican?

elviouslyqueer July 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Duh.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 5:56 am

Really poor people don't vote.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Plus, duh, no public transportation = must have car to get job. No alloy wheels allowed, though.

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

And using public transportiation is soshulist and morally reprehensible.

genxr July 19, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Not to mention they might have to sit next to people even poorer than they are!

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Hard to believe that they actually believe there are people even poorer than they are.

bloodandirony July 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

"simply gouge an even larger chunk out of a budget already insuffiencient to provide for other material needs? "
These Heritage "researchers" in many cases arrived only a few steps ahead of the repo men. A depreciating asset bought on credit doesn't actually increase your net worth.

ChuckieJesus July 19, 2011 at 6:51 pm

My kid's dad lives down in the syphilitic dick of America known as Florida. One year he couldn't afford to pay the electric bill. Damp conditions bring mold.

I think he had to replace all his clothes at one point. Not easy when you're already too broke to pay the light bill.

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 7:56 pm

ChuckieJesus, hm. Is that where Herman Cain takes his grandkids to church at?

ChuckieJesus July 19, 2011 at 8:16 pm

LOL

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 4:53 pm

"if you live in the rural south, where a disproportionate of the so-called "so-called poor" happen to live, are air conditioning and a motor vehicle actually luxuries … ? Or are they only things that keep you dying of heat stroke and starvation, simultaneously, because you live in an uhabitable backwater, because of your aforementioned poverty?"

The thing that keeps them feeling sorrier for them is that they consider it 100% totally worth it to spite the queers and the browns.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:00 am

I've no doubt that poor blacks tell themselves that they're still better than Hispanics, and vice versa, ad infinitum. If all the rival quarreling varieties of poors would co-operate against their real enemies, they might not be poor any more!

ManchuCandidate July 19, 2011 at 4:38 pm

This might be why a lot of Teabaggers think they're rich.

Note to HF bootlicks and Teabaggers, you're rich if:
a) you've never shopped at Walmart
b) you own your own airforce of private jets… okay air force may be too much, a flight of private jets
c) you have no wrinkles and you can't move your face and have zero empathy for any human emotion whatsoever
d) the tax code is changed to accommodate you
e) you can buy your dumb as shit kids a spot in any ivy league skule
f) you can hire people to tell the poors they're actually rich… stupid poors.

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 4:47 pm

What if we've just never shopped at Wal-Mart and none of the other things?

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Brilliant crescendo effect, like Ezra Pound naming his son "Homer Shakespeare Pound."

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

I once saw a yellow Lamborghini in a Walmart parking lot in Irving, TX…I was befuddled.

ShaveTheWhales July 19, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Was the driver's hair perfect?

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Oh, how I wish I'd seen the driver. Must've needed to save with those rollback prices on anus burgers to make the car payment.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

"Was the driver's hair perfect?"

Only when he was drinking a pina colada in Trader Vic's.

genxr July 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I just know that pile of old washing machines out back is going to bring in a million dollars when I put them up on ebay, and the Obummer is going to tax it all away!

WhatTheHolyHeck July 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm

In their universe, poor people sleep in the dirt and rich people all stand by leaded windows, rubbing their hands together maniacally.

Rotundo_ July 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm

They just keep serving up the hits at Heritage. What measure of intelligence does one have to fail to gain a fellowship there? Or is it one of those congenital, oops, inherited honors that one gets (like admission to Yale for illiterate sons of senators etc.?

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:05 am

Well, I suspect it *is* rather in-bred.

OurHoboSenator July 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I am OUTRAGED that my tax dollars are going to pay for coffee makers for poor people. They should just go to Starbucks like the rest of us.

petehammer July 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm

What is a Starbuck? Do you not have your manservant overnight beans from Colombia?

Next you'll be telling me you drive your own Bentleys!

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 4:56 pm

"Next you'll be telling me you drive your own Bentleys!"

I operate my own autogyro and telephoning machine.
I'm completely independ…

ent.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:07 am

One of my semi-homeless pals goes to McDonald's, picks out coffee cups from the garbage, and uses them to get "refills".

SexySmurf July 19, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Who needs access to healthcare, decent public schools, an affordable college education, a job that pays a living wage, adequate housing in a crime-free neighborhood, or anything else resembling what used to be called the "middle-class" when you have a ceiling fan AND a cordless phone?

lumpenprole July 20, 2011 at 10:49 am

And if the future looks hopeless, change the channel on your decadent tv machine.

smitallica July 19, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Ze poor have no bread? Let zem watch "Ace of Cakes."

Radiotherapy® July 19, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I heard the cafeteria at Auschwitz wasn't so bad either.

Fare la Volpe July 19, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Winner.

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Winner, winner (tastes like) chicken dinner?

Fuck, I might have to find jeebus to get forgiven for typing that atrocity.

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I'll meet you at the church door, since I was thinking 'well, at least it's kosher.'

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Well, no one ever complained.

nonbeliever7 July 20, 2011 at 8:43 am

Too soon?

Carrabuda July 20, 2011 at 8:54 am

Good food, but such small portions.

guangho July 20, 2011 at 11:51 am

Food was kinda starchy though, especially in the winter.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Stupid Heritage Foundation. How are you going to keep the poor hypnotized and off the streets in "pitchfork & torches" mode if they don't have a television that you can stuff bullshit down their throats with?

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 8:01 pm

The Bible, King Rupert Version.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:09 am

Further evidence that the richies and their sycophants are not as smart as they claim.

Callyson July 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

In 2005, the typical household defined as poor by the government had…
…a position in the middle class before reckless Republican policies to shovel more and more resources to the rich took hold.
/fixed

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

You're not poor unless you're naked, starving and homeless. It's that simple.
–The Heritage Foundation

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Exactly.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Amen!

PS Rich people need more tax cuts!

not that Dewey July 19, 2011 at 6:07 pm

P.S. and you're not, so clearly we have some more work to do…

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 8:08 pm

And even if you are naked, starving and homeless, it's tough rocks, baby !
- the Bible, King Koch Version

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I must say, here in Texas, if you don't have air conditioning…well, you are not poor. You are dead.

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Just think of the electricity you'll save though.

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 4:52 pm

LOL. And rent too, if they find me soon enough. If not, jokes on them.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Especially by being dead! You'll never need to use another appliance!

Duly_Noted July 19, 2011 at 4:54 pm

See, we're not hardy like our forefathers. You think Travis had an air conditioned office at the Alamo?

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:11 am

Probably he had a slave fanning him.

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Yes, living in AZ, I've always considered my a/c to be quite the luxury..

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Yep, 107°F here in my little slice of Hell Nevaduh this afternoon.

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I really really really hate to say this, but it's 64°F in Seattle right now.

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Yeah, it's a fight I lost years ago. Moved here for a promotion, and as soon as I sold my house in Paradise, I lost the job here. But at least I have A/C and a television, so I'm rich, right?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 7:19 pm

And today is one of the better days we have had in Seattle this summer.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 7:26 pm

See? No global warming.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I almost — almost — feel guilty about our beautiful weather.

HamsterSandwich July 20, 2011 at 1:43 pm

This sign was seen recently in Seattle:
http://i.imgur.com/Vb71v.jpg

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Here it's 106 with 20% humidity–gah!! yuck. truly unbearable..

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 5:57 pm

We could be neighbors…

elviouslyqueer July 19, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Pfft. I'll see your 106/20 and raise you 101 with 85% humidity. And it's not even goddamn August yet.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 12:01 am

Elitist! why when I lived in AZ a swamp cooler was good enough for us! (of course we couldn't sleep at all while lying on the bed in a pool of sweat, but at least it was a DRY heat!) just ONE of the reasons I left AZ 20+ years ago and never returned)

Geminisunmars July 19, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Better dead than Texan.

Manhattan123 July 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Can someone please throw a shaving cream pie in the face of the fucking Heritage Foundation?

finallyhappy July 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

maybe tomorrow- can I just leave it outside their fancy offices?

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm

This time, just remember to leave the straight razor in the pie, dammit!!

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:10 pm

A waste of good shaving cream. Can't we throw a horse semen pie in their collective face instead?

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 10:44 pm

You can buy Santorum for $5.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Er … really? Any point in asking how you know this?

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 11:35 pm
tessiee July 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm

We can blame it on Al Pieda.

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Wait! What? Poor people are allowed in Amerikkka?

AutomaticPilot July 19, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Well, they started out rich, but then had poor anchor babies.

hagajim July 19, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Obviously the dipshits at the Heritage Foundation have never heard of relative depravation. Granted, we don't have poorz like Africa, but I guess the only thing that qualifies you as poor for these pricks is a big bloated malnourished belly and flies eating at your eyes. Sounds delicious.

Weenus299 July 19, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I cried about not having a TV dinner, until I met the man with no TV.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm

^
This is made of so much win.

prommie July 19, 2011 at 4:50 pm

But what if you can't afford a gun?

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 5:11 pm

To shoot yourself or the teevee?

riverside68 July 19, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Shoot the fruggin Heritage Foundation

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Rat poison in their burgers.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Once again, libunatics advocate violence against non-communists! You hypocrites make me sick.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 5:14 pm

A gun? Who can even afford bullets?

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

How can you shoot your TeeVee if you can't afford a gun?

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Mebbe the Salvation Army can start handing out donated guns for the poorz.
I mean, hey, what kind of army are you if you're not giving out firearms to your members?

weejee July 19, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Guess it's a box tucked under the freeway bridge or GTFO for the Kochsucking Heritage folk.

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 4:51 pm

So according to the Heritage Foundation, it's an indictment of America that our poor people aren't suffering enough. Once again, these are evil, evil people.

SmutBoffin July 19, 2011 at 5:04 pm

The funny-ish part is that, even if you do dress in rags and eat moldy crusts thrown from gilded carriages, the Heritage F. still won't give a shit about you.

HistoriCat July 19, 2011 at 5:40 pm

But then it's much easier for them to point and laugh.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Well, in all fairness, y'all could at least do your bit, you know. Try to look the part and all. How else will they know who to demonize?

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 12:04 am

WIN!

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:02 pm

"even if you do dress in rags and eat moldy crusts thrown from gilded carriages, the Heritage F. still won't give a shit about you."

Well, DUH!
I mean, the only reason you're poor in the first place is because you don't understand the value of hard work and thrift, so it really serves you right.

prommie July 19, 2011 at 4:52 pm

BTW, this is similar to the right wing meme that prisons are "country clubs" because they have TVs. Never mind the crowding, violence, smells, noise, butt-raping, no-freedom-having part 24-7, there's TV, its a paradise.

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I am an acquaintance of someone who's actually been to prison (for a long time), albeit a woman's prison, and it ain't no cakewalk. She actually told us many stories about the food – basically, prisons buy food at ridiculously cheap prices from various sources, food that is often expired or "not quite fit for human consumption" – hence, the source is incapable of selling it elsewhere on the market.

It's a regular country club up in there, youbetcha.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 5:24 pm

The reason men in prison work out all the time is to be strong enough to resist the amorous advances of their fellow convicts.

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 5:59 pm

NO, damnit, it's to look good on date night!

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Same thing…

mumbly_joe July 19, 2011 at 6:24 pm

And yet there was that wonderful study that found that African American mens' life expectancies actually go up while they're incarcerated.

I f you ever needed proof that poverty has fundamentally broken this country…

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 8:21 pm

I wonder if African American men's life expectancies actually go up if they put in an extended term in the military. Just another reason to keep the poorz poor …

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Cue Barbara Bush: "so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them."

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Also, thanks to all the budget-cutting and the destruction of those soshulist programs like literacy, etc., there's not, like, a helluva lot a guy can do.

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Now prommie, Republicans are probably pea green with envy for the butt-raping.

Fare la Volpe July 19, 2011 at 5:12 pm

You hate what you can't have.

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Republicans are too refined for butt-rape, they simply have anal assignations.

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] July 19, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Unlike the baggers, I've been in prison (to visit clients). Apart from everything you mentioned, putting aside the shitty/nonexistent healthcare, living conditions that drive men and women with families at home to commit suicide, psycho Iraq-vet C.O.'s, raging MRSA epidemics, and relentless jailhouse lawyering, prison is just fine. The TeeVees of which they complain are usually circa 1980 Curtis Mathes sets locked in a shatterproof box mounted 8 feet up on a wall in a pod's "communal area", which is sort of like being in a barn with a bunch of cows all taking a shit at once except they're trying to kick your ass at the same time. But at least you can watch TeeVee.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 12:20 am

thanks for reminding me how fucked up our prison-industrial complex really is…this fucking cuntry has NO moral standing whatsoever as long as we have more of our *citizens* in prison than any other fucking cuntry on the planet, including CHINA, WTF? now I'm even more depressed, good thing I'm STILL drinkin'

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 12:42 am

This would not be a good time to give up teh booze.

baconzgood July 19, 2011 at 4:52 pm

The Joads had a truck. They were wealthy then right?

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 5:12 pm

And every time one of their elderly relatives died of sickness or starvation, they just throw them off the truck and get higher MPG. Win, win…

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 5:22 pm

"The Grapes of Relative Poverty".

Geminisunmars July 19, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Well, clearly the air wasn't properly conditioned so they went in search of good a/c in their fancy vehicle.

horsedreamer_1 July 20, 2011 at 10:51 am

Maybe. I mean, clearly, they didn't have the internet, in the event.

Doktor Zoom July 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm

You know, if they'd just held on to that truck, they'd have a classic vehicle today, and could sell it for big bucks. No foresight, those people.

SmutBoffin July 19, 2011 at 4:52 pm

"I'm Peggy Noonan, and I approve of this research-y paper internet thing.

Now where'd I put that bottle of Gordon's?"

weejee July 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Oh noes Smut, Peggyngton the Anonymous Anomalous will be bringing gunz, money, and lawyers to flay the Wonkette.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 12:24 am

isn't Gordon's the cheap stuff? I'm thinkin' ol Noonancunt is more of a Tanqueray or Bombay kinda gal

Goonemeritus July 19, 2011 at 4:53 pm

In upstate NY it takes just north of 40k for a family of 4 to live without at least occasional assistance. Other parts of the country are more, some are less. Over time this number has inched up while wages have stayed the same or gone down when you figure in benefit reductions. I have said it before but it bears repeating these social programs are more to subsidize the employer than the employee. They exist to fill in the wages that business is refusing to pay.

Fare la Volpe July 19, 2011 at 4:58 pm

But businesses are using that excess money to create jobs!!

Jobs like chauffeurs, private jet pilots, and high class hookers.

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Read Aravid Adiga, _The White Tiger_, to see where the US is headed.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 12:30 am

thanks for the reference, I'd not heard of this book before being mostly illiterate white man living in Indiana (but I DID go to a India a couple years ago, and the poverty was REAL…perspective is everything)

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 12:44 am

Yes, the poverty is real, and yet the Poorz are a lot kinder to each other and to outsiders than our contingent of the same, who seem to have a vested interest in ensuring that nobody ever gets any more of anything nice or good than they do.

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 5:57 am

The tree of liberty needs to be watered with blood once in a while! Why shouldn't sycophants of vile oligarchs make a contribution?

hagajim July 19, 2011 at 5:46 pm

That's why WalMart trains their employees how to apply for food stamps and medicaid.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 12:28 am

well said, hell we're RICH compared to most of the poors, why me and the ol lady make 100K/ year (we each make just over 50K, and it ain't gone up in years) so we gotta be RICH, right? Where's MY tax cuts? (oh yeah, I got a real nice one right after Obama took office. we each get about $200 more per paycheck thanks to the Big O, and we spend it ALL on booze, and guns!)

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:05 pm

"social programs are more to subsidize the employer than the employee. They exist to fill in the wages that business is refusing to pay."

This?
Interesting observation.
*retires to drawing room to ponder*

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2011 at 4:54 pm

It's the same line of thinking that went into that brilliant defense of torture – that if it wasn't causing death or catastrophic organ failure, then it wasn't torture.

And by the HF's definition, I'm must be among the poorest of the poor, since I don't have a TV, a car, air conditioning, a microwave oven, a washing machine or dryer, a ceiling fan, a Playstation, or even a coffee-maker. I recently answered the door to a handyman sent by the apartment owners, who said, "I'm here to fix your dishwasher." I had to reply, "You're looking at him."

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Oh my. He didn't fix you did he????

Chillwaver July 19, 2011 at 5:07 pm

"I'm here to fix your dishwasher." I had to reply, "You're looking at him."

Worst porn flick line ever….

DashboardBuddha July 19, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I lol'd.

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

It's exactly what crossed my mind at the moment I said it.

Chillwaver July 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

It's probably Marcus Bachmann's favorite pick up line, also.

HistoriCat July 19, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Then the pizza delivery guy showed up. And things got awkward.

elviouslyqueer July 19, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Kinky!

DashboardBuddha July 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Just took a look around my humble abode. I don't own the fridge, oven or stove. My landlord provides it. Is that common?

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Same her; from that list, my fridge, oven/stove, dishwasher, washer and dryer, air conditioner, and obviously ceiling fans all belong to the landlord, not me; it looks like we count though, since the Marie Antoinette Foundation counts what people own or "have available", so as long as your apartment contains basic amenities some of these will be on the list without you owning them.

reliefsinn July 19, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Well, if those busybody, bleeding heart legislatures in many states didn't mandate that landlords provide luxuries like "stoves" and "refrigerators", we would have genuine poor people who had to cook in #10 cans and store their perishables on windowsills. In that case, I imagine it would be ok to feel sorry for them.
In this case, I feel sorry for the landlords, who are forced to provide luxury items for poors. Think of the job creators!

ShaveTheWhales July 19, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Yeah. Fuck that "covenant of habitability"!!!!1!!!

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:19 pm

It is where I live. I never had to buy those things before I acquired a moneypit, I mean, house.

ProudLibunatic July 19, 2011 at 6:07 pm

No coffee-maker??!!
Inconceivable!!

mumbly_joe July 19, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Does a French Press count?

What about a sock?

ProudLibunatic July 19, 2011 at 6:49 pm

If it's a clean sock, it counts.

(I have a French Press as a back-up.)

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Once, many years ago, some frat rat came to my student slum apartment, saying "we're collecting canned goods for the poor!" I had to tell him "the poor is me!"

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Hey, wow. I am TEH POORZ!! No TV, no aircon, no ceiling fan, no playstation. Dammit, we do have a washer/dryer, microwave, and coffee thingumajig. What does that make us?

Also cars, but where we live, etc.

baconzgood July 19, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Monty Burns Foundation.

baconzgood July 19, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Written while twisting a handle bar mustash and going "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA".

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Yes–the Heritage Foundation's logo should indeed be Snidely Whiplash.

ProudLibunatic July 19, 2011 at 6:08 pm

…and a rope and train tracks may have been involved.

Duly_Noted July 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I'm surprised no one thought of this way to measure wealth before. Deciding whether someone is rich or poor based on the crap they have amassed over the years is so much more capitalistic than basing it on "intangibles" like enough decent food to eat or a change of clothing.

Crank_Tango July 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Let me suggest that if you have to figure out whether or not you are poor, you are no longer in the middle class.

mavenmaven July 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

So there's nothing to worry about yet, they aren't dying in the streets en masse yet, so there's still time for some more tax cuts for the wealthy!

MissTaken July 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Hey poor people, you can have either an oven or a stove…NOT BOTH!

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 5:10 pm

The Koch brothers won't rest until all they have is a large tin can over a fire under the bridge…

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Sorry, but the Koch brothers won't rest until all those bridges are privately-owned, and then you and your fire will be trespassing. I'm gonna go down to see my grandpups this weekend to teach them how to enjoy their hobo beans cold.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Well, to be strictly accurate, I pretty much use my oven for storing frying pans, rather than actually cooking.
Do I win something?

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 5:01 pm

What kind of evil piece of shit do you need to be, to want to deny your fellow human beings any material objects?
Once the Revolution starts, I hope the Poors leave each other alone and go after these fuckers.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Nope, they're going to go after the libruls who won't let them have the budget and tax cuts that are keeping them from getting rich.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Those "fuckers," as you so aptly term them (although I would argue that in their case, it's only half a word), are much harder for Poorz to get to than each other. I mean, srsly, are you going to try to break into the gated and heavily armed private security employing community of, say, Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld? Or just shoot up the grocer down the road who might have the loudly bruited disadvantages of both ethnicity and slightly higher economic status, i.e., enough for you to covet his stuff, but not enough that he can live in said gated community.

Fare la Volpe July 19, 2011 at 5:02 pm

These poors aren't eating nearly enough feces burgers.

prommie July 19, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Less bread, more feces!

Crank_Tango July 19, 2011 at 5:25 pm

the more bread you got, the less feces you gotta eat!

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Ah, feck.

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Are they analyzing stool content to ascertain poverty now?

Crank_Tango July 19, 2011 at 10:34 pm

is this wolf hair?
…also inconclusive.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Well, not that they know about.

Radiotherapy® July 19, 2011 at 5:03 pm

A few teevees and a microwave and you're a job creator.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Actually, I heard the other day that people on Welfare are "job creators".

They (and middle class people) SPEND MONEY, which creates jobs.

A rich person never once created a job because he got a tax break…

MissTaken July 19, 2011 at 5:21 pm

It's true! When you are living on just a couple of hundreds of dollars a week you will spend every single penny you have that week which stimulates the economy immediately. Give a rich person a tax cut and they may spend it, or may choose to save it which does not stimulate the economy. This is why extending unemployment benefits to the long-term jobless is a much stronger stimulus package in the short (and probably long term as well) than tax cuts.

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 5:28 pm

There's the problem. If those people would take some of that money and put it in a IRA, we could eliminate Social Security!

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 5:04 pm

I'd love to see the fine folks from Heritage get all Simple Life and support a family of four on $22,058 a year, then tell me how luxurious their time in Anacostia/8 Mile/Compton/bumfuck/wherever was, having A/C and a cordless phone.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 5:08 pm

"In 2005, the typical household defined as poor by the government had a car, air conditioning, color television, cable or satellite TV, a DVD player, a VCR, a game system, a refrigerator, an oven and stove, a microwave, clothes washer, a clothes dryer, ceiling fans, a cordless phone, and a coffee maker."

And in 2011, the Koch brothers won't rest until they have taken all that from you and all you have left is a stick to draw in the dirt…

DashboardBuddha July 19, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Pfft…like we're going to have time to to draw in the dirt what with scavenging the local landfills.

Crank_Tango July 19, 2011 at 5:26 pm

who can afford dirt?

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 5:40 pm

My parents were so poor, we had to make our own water from hydrogen and oxygen….

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Good thing they're still both free.

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 5:28 pm

A leased stick in rented dirt–livin' the dream, baby.

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Draw in the dirt? Fuck that, eat the stick.

ProudLibunatic July 19, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Fuck that, eat the dirt!

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Cheap Chinese dirt from Wal-Mart.

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 5:39 pm

See, that person has a stick, that means he really isn't poor!

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Kill him! He owns a stick!!

hagajim July 19, 2011 at 5:48 pm

And if their lucky we'll draw in the dirt instead of shoving it up their asses and roasting them like some fucking pig over an open fire – for dinner!

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Ah, a Bold and Courageous entrepreneur with the American spirit, no doubt!

I'd go with the Sweet and Spicy Chipotle Honey Mustard dipping sauce for your grilled Koch-on-a-stick to compliment the bitter, sour taste of the flesh…

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:29 pm

A man of taste, I see. You, not Koch.

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Most bought 2d hand at the thrift shop, half of them broken.

ChuckieJesus July 19, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Fuck, I look at that list, and I think: Nope, don't miss cable tee vee. Or my old tee vee, for that matter. The only reason why I have a computer is because my socialist, liberal, union job (from whence I am currrently laid off due to Minnesota's rich people not wanting to write laws in all this heat) helped me to purchase one. I actually have a portion of my paycheck taken for 24 months, just so I can go on the intertubes in something that isn't the equivalent of a 1983 Yugo.

Doesn't stop me from having to go to the food shelf sometimes. Especially lately.

Buckminster July 20, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Can we have flies for our childrens' faces like other 3rd world countries?

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:11 pm

"the Koch brothers won't rest until they have taken all that from you and all you have left is a stick to draw in the dirt…

But not that fancy store-bought dirt.

prommie July 19, 2011 at 5:08 pm

I thought this issue was settled for once and for all years ago, when Krauthammer and the rest of the echo-pinionaters threw out that talking point about how the poors are actually "lucky duckies," that they actually have it great, what with their TVs and telephones and suchwhat.

HogeyeGrex July 19, 2011 at 6:55 pm

While at the same time, it is sooooooo hard to make ends meet on $450k/yr, so moartaxcutsplz!

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Didn't one of our Congresscritters opine recently as to how he was SUFFERING having to try and make ends meet on the taxpayer-funded quarter-million per year? Whiny little bitch somehow confused "public service" with "gobs of money," apparently. Yet, it's our unionized public employees whose pay and benefits need a-slashin'.

HogeyeGrex July 20, 2011 at 3:38 am

Yeah. I was thinking of him, that assclown lawyer from last year and some other twunt who recently was publicly bemoaning his awful, awful existence being relegated to making just south of a mil a year.

It makes me want to punch them.

With a woodchipper.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 11:40 am

I'll hold 'em down if you'll bring the woodchipper.

metamarcisf July 19, 2011 at 5:08 pm

The current shitstorm on The Daily Caller due to the headache article is indeed fun to watch.

FlownOver July 19, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Sorry –

Will.Not.Go.There.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Won't someone think of the chiyuldrun? Won't SOMEone report back on what's happening over there? Some of us just don't want to wade in all that poo, yaknow.

Poindexter718 July 19, 2011 at 5:08 pm

After all, these "Poors" with basic cable can always show their hungry kids the Food Network.

Fare la Volpe July 19, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Think of the rich white men! Won't someone think of the rich white men?!

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Helping welfare moms at the end of the month by paying $20 for BJs .

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:21 am

I've moved to the far side of the world so that I can stay away from them.

spinozasgod July 19, 2011 at 5:11 pm

The HF guide to end public assistance:

you aren't poor unless your homeless and you can't get public assistance without a permanant address…….

Buckminster July 20, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Catch 22. Brilliant!

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 5:12 pm

"I stole the teevee!"

–Jerri Blank

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 5:23 pm

"But I did not steal the easy chair."

SayItWithWookies July 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

And I always thought the heritage that the Heritage Foundation named itself after was the heritage of the antebellum South — turns out it was the heritage of the Bourbon monarchy.

ShaveTheWhales July 19, 2011 at 9:31 pm

It's not hate, it's heritage — i.e., assfucking for everybody else.

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 10:55 pm

"Let them eat Koch!"

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 2:32 am

Hapsburg Libel!

JackObin July 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Yes, but do they WATCH the television. If they do, then they can be considered nothing but poor.

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 5:31 pm

They should spend that time they watch the television, out looking for a job. Those lazy layabouts!

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Well, they're not allowed to have vegetable gardens! What else are they going to do? Booze is expensive and encourages brooding, violence against the righteous rich….

inapewetrust July 19, 2011 at 5:16 pm

the heritage foundation makes a good point – poor people should have absolutely fucking nothing at all.

mumbly_joe July 19, 2011 at 5:25 pm

As far as TVs go: they're cheaper than daycare, and if you're raising a family on $22k, you probably don't have the sorta job that lets you pick up your kids from school.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:39 pm

There's that.

KommunistKitty July 19, 2011 at 5:25 pm

After determining that being poor in America is super easy, every member of the Heritage Foundation's Board of Trustees has agreed to demonstrate this fact by living under the poverty line with their families while collecting no government assistance for the next year.

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 5:28 pm

I'd pay to see that reality show!!

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Upfist for your kute kitteh avatar! Calicos rule!

Buckminster July 20, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I think that's a beautiful fairy tale you've written, Kittah.

MissTaken July 19, 2011 at 5:27 pm

WOW, being poor sounds fun!

genxr July 19, 2011 at 5:29 pm

And the rich are being taxed to death. It just isn't fair!

Naked_Bunny July 19, 2011 at 7:09 pm

You don't have all the stress of worrying about your private jet taxes going back up a bit, either.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm

They make it sound so easy, don't they? I remember being poor. Fortunately, I knew that poverty would come to an end some day. After a few years of that, I was ready to lie down and die. I'm surprised the Poorz don't just pull an epic mass suicide stunt in this country. It is that depressing to be poor.

GrayRogue July 20, 2011 at 11:38 am

Screw that–the way things are headed, there'll be a mass *homicide* stunt pretty soon….

Mort_Sinclair July 19, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Clearly those Heritage Foundation folks aren't pining for the fjords, they're pining for the good ol' days of the Dust Bowl, when Americans enjoyed their bowl of dust for breakfast and were grateful for it when they weren't trying to pry up some stray dessicated root vegetable on the side of the (dirt) road for supper.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 5:36 pm

It is crystal clear that none of these Heritage Foundation fucksticks has ever lived anywhere near the poverty line. Being poor isn't about if you have a television, it's about being one step closer to losing your home if your kid has to go to the hospital. Or having to decide between paying the electric bill and paying for your asthma medicine. Or figuring out if you can suck it up and go to work with a raging fever so you don't lose your gas money for the week.

It's desperation, and a constant low-level anxiety that you're about to topple over the abyss and become one of the people you see on the street with nothing but their belongings in a cart. It's the fear that you'll lose not only your home, but your family, if you fall behind on the rent one more time. Is it the same as the poverty experienced in places like Somalia or Bengal? No. But it's still fucking shameful and unnecessary in a country as wealthy as ours.

I fucking loathe these rich, smug, privileged douchebags more than syphilitic scabies, because the scabies have more empathy and human decency. If I had a magic wand, I would force each and every one of them to live in poverty for the rest of their lives, just to wipe the smug smirks of their puffy, elitist faces. And yeah, that's class warfare. But anyone who has watched the rich shit on the working class and poor in this country for the last 30 or 40 years knows class warfare has been going on for a hell of a long time. The big difference is that none of the big boys at FOX or CNN will whine about it if it's just dirty little lower class nobodies getting it in the neck.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 5:41 pm

As warfare goes, our American class warfare is terrifically one-sided. The Riches are just a few days away from total victory.

Radiotherapy® July 19, 2011 at 6:15 pm

I love the sound of cicadas.

ProudLibunatic July 19, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Smug is about as ugly as it gets.
Dubya is a world-class smug smirker.
So is Rupert.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 6:26 pm

hope you regularly contribute to you charity of choice. Then maybe these folks can get off the dole.

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Charity of choice: the opera or the zoo.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:43 pm

What a mind-bogglingly stupid thing to say.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 10:51 pm

perhaps to a brain dead liberal like yourself. Charity should be voluntary, not mandated by a socialist government. But I would guess you wouldn't see it that way.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 11:50 pm

It would appear that your synapses are firing out of phase. Consider that in order for the restive Poorz to be less than restive, a certain economic paradigm must exist, and that paradigm mandates that a certain percentage of the population must not have employment, i.e., a welfare class of publicly-subsidized poor must exist. Private charity cannot take the place of government subsidy for this class. For them to be employed, i.e., for full employment to exist, means triggering inflation in an unending cycle of higher wages/higher prices. Not everyone can, will, or should contribute to such charitable efforts as are required to keep the unemployed class from being restive. However, taxes come from all classes of society and can effectively keep the unemployed class from simultaneously sharing the dubious, at best, honour of also being the starving class. I should have thought that would be obvious even to someone as determined to pretzel him/herself into such illogical positions as yourself.

Perhaps your time would be better spent doing a little reading on the causes of poverty and the remedies therefor. As a hint, gratis, consider that the waging of wars on poverty has done precious little to end it.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 1:37 am

Dear DickBob, it seems yer COMPLETELY outta yer league here and DEFINITELY in the wrong place, moron (and as a primary care physician for over 30 years I'm qualified to say yer diagnosis is terminal brain trauma, possibly caused by the lack of hydration, from the dessert air?) asshole, also

zhubajie July 20, 2011 at 3:08 am

Liberals are merely people who don't want to be slaves of Conservacrooks.
Conservatives are people who want to be masters of slaves.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 9:50 am

That was Marie Antoinette's attitude; she deserved her fate, as does anyone else who believes that fucking sociopathic bullshit.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:18 pm

"Charity should be voluntary, not mandated by a socialist government."

Translation: Poor folks should get nothing from the government; they should only have whatever rich folks feel like throwing their way.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 1:38 am

you have NO fucking idea, asshole

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 6:32 pm

THIS. Exactly.

Duly_Noted July 19, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Couldn't agree more. Well said.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 7:17 pm

As Barbara Ehrenreich detailed in Nickel and Dimed, it's pretty fucking expensive to be poor. See also this column…and her more recent book, This Land Is Their Land, reviewed here.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Marry me and don't have my babies.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 1:31 am

well THAT wasn't funny at all, and I'm almost outta wine…fuck

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:26 am

I know exactly how you feel!

BklynIlluminati July 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Whoa I got 3 TV's I'm BIG PIMPIN!

Buckminster July 20, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Can you watch all 3 at once? Not that you'd want to, or anything.

BklynIlluminati July 20, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Only when i am macking with my welfare queens. I stack'em together I'm thrashy that way!

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 5:44 pm

You might not be poor, but if you have less than a HD 36-inch set, is your life really worth living?

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Oh, the horrors!

GlowneyHouse July 19, 2011 at 6:17 pm

My favorite part is the two COLOR teevees… as if the really poor must have black and white units with a broken knob (and not enough money to buy a pair of pliers to change the channel.)

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Shit… excuse me while I work on my suicide note.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Upfisted because that was my exact sentiment, fortunately for only five minutes, though. Now I'm just angry.

WinterOuthouse July 19, 2011 at 5:47 pm

What is left unsaid: "The negro/messican/muslin/single mother poor stole their TV from the the rich person living on the RIGHT side of the tracks."

ttommyunger July 19, 2011 at 11:07 pm

One can only hope.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Actually, I'm surprised that the Heritage Foundation doesn't consider anyone poor that doesn't have at least one servant to bring them the chilled pâté.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 5:58 pm

"Boy, peel me a grape!"
- Edwin Feulner

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 6:09 pm
Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Where is Marie Antoinette when we need her?

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Well, that article actually gave me some … hope. It said that the Heritage Foundation is "what the New York Times calls 'the Parthenon of the conservative metropolis.'”
Seems to me that these days the Parthenon is kind of a fixer-upper.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 11:52 pm

I shall take that to mean it will soon lie in ruins.

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 12:18 am

That's my wet dream of the moment.

littlebigdaddy July 19, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Wow not just TV sets but COLOR TV sets (which they have in fucking Mongolia, for fucks sake)!

MissTaken July 19, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I bet these so-called "poors" still have both of their kidneys, too.

Naked_Bunny July 19, 2011 at 7:24 pm

And should someone be considered poor if they even have kids?

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 7:25 pm

They could probably get a pretty good price for them on the open market.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Especially if they sell the kidneys separately.

Wut? I waz assured that broiling babies in cream was the best way to dispose of them.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:27 am

I'm sure that there are plenty of Rep closet pedophiles who'd pay a lot for a child.

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Kidneys are overrated.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:47 pm

So are kids.

Naked_Bunny July 19, 2011 at 6:04 pm

If you take away poor people's televisions, what's to distract them away from planning the revolution?

BlueStateLibel July 19, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Yeah, this strategy will work, HB dweebs, just convince the poor that they're not REALLY poor. Peggy Noonan tried the same crap for Bush the 1st, arguing Americans are just whiners and should be grateful they have indoor plumbing. It worked really well for Bush I's re-election. When the poors come for you with the pitchforks, telling them they're not really poor will work just as well.

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:39 pm

"Americans are just whiners"

Rich Americans sure do a lot of whining!

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:30 am

I expect plumbing and sewer systems in the US to decline, because who wants to pay tax money to fix them? Only wicked people get sick, after all, and they can get healed by the local faith-healer, right?

But in reality, if the poor suffer from cholera, typhus, typhoid, malaria, etc., then the rich get them too.

Radiotherapy® July 19, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Ghettos, the new gated communities.

DashboardBuddha July 19, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Ahhh, for the days when hunger was "anecdotal" and ketchup was a vegetable.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 6:23 pm

they have more stuff than I do, and I get no govt assistance :-(

their kids are fatter than mine as well.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Oh, goodie, we have a "poor people are fat, so they must be eating well" troll.

Gee, that couldn't have anything to do with the fact that the cheapest foods are also crap when it comes to nutrition, could it? Ever read the label on a box of mac n cheese?

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Hi Dok,

no troll, zoom.

rice and low fat beans are a good cheap source of carbs and protein. It's just these people are too f-ing stupid and lazy to cook for themselves. You spend 2 hours on sunday afternoon cooking up a large portion of that, and store it in their govt supplied refrigerator.

ever eat at Micky-Ds? That's where these leeches eat most of their meals.

As expensive as some cheap good pasta joints.

Welfare was intended as a safety net after the great depression, and for the last 30 years or more its become an entitlement/a way of life.

and you wonketters support it like it is part of the american dream, LOL.

poor students of history, looks like.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 7:08 pm

The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition seems to think otherwise. A couple of lines from the abstract:

1) the highest rates of obesity occur among population groups with the highest poverty rates and the least education.

2) energy-dense foods composed of refined grains, added sugars, or fats may represent the lowest-cost option to the consumer.

3) poverty and food insecurity are associated with lower food expenditures, low fruit and vegetable consumption, and lower-quality diets. … Such diets are more affordable than are prudent diets based on lean meats, fish, fresh vegetables, and fruit….More and more Americans are becoming overweight and obese while consuming more added sugars and fats and spending a lower percentage of their disposable income on food.

You're right that it is possible to eats nutritious foods on a tight budget–but there are very strong market incentives not to. (How big an advertising budget does the American Beans & Rice Council have…?)

And yes, fast food is definitely part of the problem–it's relatively affordable, convenient, and it's crap. It's also far more readily available, and relentlessly marketed. Should people be better at avoiding it? Yep. But there's big money to be made in selling people crap, and considerably less money to be made in selling nutritious food.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:23 pm

"rice and low fat beans are a good cheap source of carbs and protein. It's just these people are too f-ing stupid and lazy to cook for themselves."

Yeah, Mexicans just HATE rice and beans.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 6:56 pm

C'mon Dok, don't you know that poor people are fat and stupid and lazy? The master race of the rich deserve everything they have, LULZZZZZZZZZ.

Not trollin', nossiree.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 11:53 pm

I believe teh troll in question resents the fact that teh Poorz are eating *at all.*

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 6:44 pm

It sounds like you're lazy and need to work harder.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 6:50 pm

nah, I'm just robbed with taxes so these leeches can have their 3 tvs and air-conditioning.

A real incentive to go out and get training to better themselves, NOT. Why not have a couple more kids? Get some more perks.

you part of the 43% of americans who pay NO taxes? Imagine so.

Either that, or your so rich you don't care one way or the other. Better not let your fellow board members know that.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 7:02 pm

If you got a better paying job, then you would be able to afford nice things even with a high tax burden. If you just worked hard enough, you could earn all of those televisions and nice cars. Why not set your goal at 100k per year? It's totally doable for any REAL American with gumption and a willingness to expend some elbow grease.

Oh yeah, and I'm totally well-off because I got a fancy schmancy advanced degree, and so did my hubby. We're basically everything you despise: well-off, educated, and liberal. Moohoohahahaha!! Suck on that, baby.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 10:00 pm

"…We're basically everything you despise: well-off, educated, and liberal….."

useless degrees no doubt.

"…“If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty you have no brain.”…" Churchill

I would assume you are the latter?

BTW, $130k a year doesn't go as far as it used to, I can attest to that, locust.

Gleem_McShineys July 19, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Bob says "Why not have a couple more kids? Get some more perks."

Bob, what are you suggesting? That they get abortions?

LOL. Poor troll. Did you forget whether we've always been fighting Eastasia?

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 10:05 pm

nah, just responsible family planning.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 9:34 am

Oh god, it's that ridiculous "44% of Americans pay no taxes" meme again, only this time changed to 43%.

You stupid lying ass, do you know how fucking stupid you look when you repeat something that wingnut trolls keep saying again and again and again, no matter how many times it's been debunked? But I guess you are just following the advice of your hero Goebbels, "If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth."

So please, stop lying; and if you need to lie, try using one that's at least somewhat original.

mumbly_joe July 20, 2011 at 9:56 am

Even if it weren't an outright lie, it'd be hella misleading. There's a pretty fucking huge difference between my also-advanced-degree-having mother whose sole income is 12k in disability payments thanks to a career-ending injury, and has a tax burden of zero, and companies like GE which are making record profits, and a negative effective tax rate.

Apparently, it's people like my mother who aren't paying their fare share for the American Dream, doncha know.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:29 pm

"it's that ridiculous "44% of Americans pay no taxes" meme again, only this time changed to 43%"

*raises hand hesitantly*
Are we including corporations in that 43%? After all, they're people now.

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:40 pm

It's expensive to be skinny in America. Fresh vegetables are expensive. Macaroni & cheese in a box is cheap.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 10:02 pm

only lazy morons can't eat healthy cheaply.

smokefilleddoommate July 20, 2011 at 1:27 am

…and only greedy materialistic capitalist pigfuckers can't seem to get by on 130k/year (not really sure I even believe that) yet feel the need to take it up with people that make a fraction of their supposed earnings. Honestly, I feel sad for people like you.. Take all of your 'stuff' away and what is left? An empty hole (which is what you are)–a sad, stupid, selfish empty fucking hole that only material wealth can fill.
–So keep chasin' that almighty dollar!

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Well, of COURSE poor people are fat!
They're evil, therefore they're fat.
Q.E. fuckin' D.

Gleem_McShineys July 19, 2011 at 8:04 pm

"they have more stuff than I do, and I get no govt assistance "

Quit whining about it, and go on the dole, then, since it obviously is the major gravy train. Nobody's stopping you.

Seriously. Give it a shot. Cut your income so you qualify for assistance, and test out your theory. LIVE THE HIGH LIFE, BOBBAH!

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Seriously, I doubt the "no govt assistance" bit, too. Remember this?

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 10:04 pm

I don't qualify in any regard. And I don't pull the fraudulent crap like many on assistance.

Gleem_McShineys July 19, 2011 at 8:23 pm

They sell all of these items at Goodwill centers too, Dr. Bob, for really goddamn cheap.

You want "stuff," go buy it used. Problem solved, and your cakehole can finally be closed! WE ALL WIN.

Look, the Heritage Foundation doesn't care whether this "stuff" was made in 2005 (like their study's data) or if your stuff is so worn out that it may be practically useless… to them, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU HAVE ONE!

Instead of letting some professional Think Tank-employed professional pundit assholes convince you that the "real problem" is people without money, seriously, go solve your own problems. "Stuff" is cheap, and you know it.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 10:03 pm

pretty classy reply there, filled with expletives. Wonkette Jr would be proud!

Crank_Tango July 19, 2011 at 11:11 pm

you don't know from filled with expletives, you stupid troll cunt. Now go fuck off back to breitbart where you belong before you have to read some strong language, cockmuncher.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 11:24 pm

is that a barney fife avatar? You liberals are a tough bunch, that's for sure.

your low life approach is not very becoming to the political persuasion that is supposed to be tolerant and compassionate, LMAO

__kth__ July 19, 2011 at 11:42 pm

needs moar invective, which is all this stinking pusbag rates.

Gleem_McShineys July 20, 2011 at 12:34 am

Seriously, playing the expletives card? Are we a confused little dainty dandy who has lost our parasol? Are we feeling an onset of the case of the vapours?

Just where the hell did you think you were posting?

THIS!
IS!
WONKETTE!!

*kicks troll down giant hole labeled ASSFUCKING*

imissopus July 20, 2011 at 12:50 am

Guys like this are such crybabies, as Allen West proved again today:
http://tinyurl.com/3eu3zlx

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Careful, Gleem!
This guy's got a fainting couch, and he's not afraid to use it!

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 1:40 am

but yer head is WAAAY fatter, so WIN fer you fucktard

smitallica July 19, 2011 at 6:29 pm

See, Heritage Foundation, the poor can afford TVs because they're so cheap, thanks to our corporations shipping the jobs to make them overseas, thereby making more poor people here. See how that works?

__kth__ July 19, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I have an idea for a study: how long can a Heritage Foundation staffer live on a diet of salted rat dicks?

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:55 pm

It can beez poisoned salted rat dicks pleez?

a_pink_poodle July 19, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Yeah maybe a TV doesn't count as poor in the 40's.

ChuckieJesus July 19, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Like I told my kid, who'll be turning twenty soon in this useless fucking economy: Everyone else thinks your problems are drama, simply because your problems aren't theirs.

A friend posted the cleaned up National Review Online version of this tripe. He's one of the few Repub/Libertarian friends I have left. The rest I shed throughout the last decade, mostly through switching "social networks". I guess back in 2005, I could tolerate their shit a little more.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 1:48 am

wow, you made it to 2005? srsly, most of us lost it after the SCOTUS handed the Pretzeldency to the Shrub, fer FREE! (not really, they wuz paid a lot)

ChuckieJesus July 20, 2011 at 9:06 am

Yeah, well, that's what I get for being a "tolerant liberal".

BlueMonkeh July 20, 2011 at 9:44 am

I'm surrounded by the haters. It's very difficult living in a place where you know the majority of people you interact with every day support these greedy fuckers and are too ignorant/blind to see how much they're being used.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:37 pm

"after the SCOTUS handed the Pretzeldency to the Shrub"

The first time or the second time?
Oh, wait.
The second time, Diebold handed it to him.
My bad.

GeorgiaBurning July 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm

They have a point. The poor we have now are pathetic. Vote republican in 2012 and wait a few years, you'll see begging for pennies, Bangladesh-style third-world-class poor.

Naked_Bunny July 19, 2011 at 7:21 pm

I figured that's what their "Conservative Plan to Transform America" was about.

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 7:42 pm

In real 3rd world countries, poor people are generally allowed to raise vegetable gardens, to buy and sell crap in flea markets. Not in the USA!

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Is it true that Marie Antoinette used to work for Heritage?

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:56 pm

They dumped her for being too empathetic with Teh Poorz.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 2:52 am

Honestly, do you know how fucking expensive cake is these days? She was practically a socialist.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 11:22 am

Being a Poorz, I don't get to eat cake. So of course, I don't know how expensive it is. :)

Doktor Zoom July 20, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Let them eat Dollar Store mac-n-cheese!

Come here a minute July 19, 2011 at 7:31 pm

If any of these supposedly "poor" women have long hair, well, that proves they're not really poor. They could be selling that hair and entrepreneuring a small business, creating jobs.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Let's face it, we have oversold the American Dream and convinced people who don't have the financial means to pursue it that it is attainable for them. Meanwhile, the real victims, our financial and consumer goods companies, have been deceived into believing that there is an ever-expanding market for their products and services. What are some possible remedies? Well, we could de-naturalize all unemployed and financially unviable persons in American society, making it possible for them to work at the lower-than-minimum wages that attract so many illegals here, thus sparing the companies who hire the undocumented the shame and stigma of duress illegal hiring practices. Ultimately though, why is it the government's responsibility to subsidize unprofitable lifestyles? While other forms of liquidation might bring some moral and ethical difficulties, means-tested sterilization is certainly worthy of a vigorous debate. We must begin to think of the uterus as the final border, and it is in America's most vital interest to secure it, once and for all.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 7:50 pm

We should also consider means-tested euthanasia. Human tallow is a renewable energy source and could be the answer to American energy independence. This was outlined in the Heritage Foundation's 2010 review: Refining The Indigent, A Path to Prosperity.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 8:40 pm

C. Montgomery Burns likes the cut of your jib!

ShaveTheWhales July 19, 2011 at 9:38 pm

I am speechless in admiration, Chet Swift-Kincaid.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 9:48 pm

I wait with great fear and loathing for something like that to appear in a non-satirical publication, soon.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 1:49 am

Chet, that is fucking BRILLIANT! *golf clap*

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 2:53 am

The Ghost of Orwell has possessed you utterly.

MiniMencken July 20, 2011 at 3:17 am

Damn, Laddie, but I like the way you think!

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:41 pm

"an ever-expanding market for their products and services"

I'm assuming that this is part of the snark, but it's also true.
In order for the economy go go on as it has, people (rich, poor, middle-class, or otherwise) need to waste money constantly buying stuff they don't need.
If people aren't throwing away money on a new car every year, that's probably a good thing — but then, what happens to the auto workers?
(OK, the auto workers have pretty much already bitten the big one, but you see what I mean, right?)

Gleem_McShineys July 19, 2011 at 8:59 pm

CAVE JOHNSON VOICE:

Welcome to the Heritage Foundation! Here at the Foundation, we've been working our analysts and pundits day and night, trying to come up with a way to divert your average low-information voter's attention away from exploitative corporations, and middle-class crushing political policies, and turn these things into petty jealousy and real anger at poor people! With your help, we can turn this into real, useful violence!

Our thinkers have worked out a simple formula for counting "Stuff" that almost automatically enrages the very people we wish to exploit.

It works because all across the commercial entertainment spectrum, from television, to movies, to radio, the concept that "HAVING STUFF" is presented as being equal to "HAVING HAPPINESS." This is always first and foremost, it is ensconced in "The American Dream." Anyone exposed to modern entertainment knows without a doubt that items are desirable. And possessing items conveys status!

So our geniuses devised a report showing that "the poor" also possess certain items that could also be considered status symbols, like "DVD Players" or "Two color televisions," (we leave out how these items, in the context of poor people owning them, are actually fucked up old pieces of shit that anyone but poor schlubs would actually be embarrassed to own) we can readily exploit the average schmoe's nearly automatic jealousy centers! "Poor People Are Competing With You, and WINNING." It is really quite elegant.

So let's get out there and exploit that unfocused anger, people! Class wars ain't gonna fight themselves! The Kochs need their tax cuts!

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 10:36 pm

This is fucking brilliant.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:44 pm

"Anyone exposed to modern entertainment knows without a doubt that items are desirable. And possessing items conveys status!"

Wait, I thought that to have happiness, status, and world peace, we had to have NEW stuff, and so we constantly had to get rid of non-trendy old stuff and run out and buy the latest whatever it is.
Did the rule get changed?

Also, what kind of name is "Cave Johnson"? I suspect it's a combination of two euphemisms for genitalia.

mariser July 19, 2011 at 9:32 pm

I seriously can't get over the fact they call refrigerators "amenities".
fuckers

Radiotherapy® July 19, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Of course the teevees are important to their narrative. The poors AND the suckers need to be fed Föx News 24/7.

ttommyunger July 19, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Out of touch much, asshole? Better stock your "Safe Room" for a long siege; wouldn't want you to die too soon.

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] July 19, 2011 at 11:39 pm

This reminds me of the article written by some fundamentalist "Christian" minister a couple of years ago in, I think it was Reader's Digest (I wish I could find it) which made the following argument:
1. God wants Americans to be healthy and live prosperous lives.
2. God gave His Divine Wisdom to Ray Kroc to start the McDonald's Hamburger Company, which serves cheap, filling & nutritious meals for not much money, which helps the Poors eat.
3. Ergo, Mickey D's is proof that God Loves America because instead of dirt-farming and searching for grubs and worms, our Poors can eat anusburgers and drink HFCS-laden sodas.

flamingpdog July 20, 2011 at 12:25 am

It's nice to see that the Reader's Disgust has continued its quest to lower its literary standards since I stopped reading it ten years ago.

[Defensive note: My conservative Republican parents gave the subscription to me as an Xmas present for 25 years and I didn't mind 'cause I liked the dumb jokes, but it got so bad that my parents stopped subscribing for themselves.]

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 2:31 am

In that short excerpt, they not only attack the poor, but get their jollies in by getting in a dig at Catholics, too. They satisfy multiple bloodlusts in those few paragraphs.

MiniMencken July 20, 2011 at 3:14 am

I believe the Heritage Foundation's definition of poverty came from studying this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eDaSvRO9xA

imissopus July 20, 2011 at 3:44 am

Poor Dr. Bob – surrounded by leeches, leeches I tell you! All those poor people just cold fakin' it to get their greedy hands on even more of his hard-earned money, sucking poor Bob's teats dry. Why can't they just leave Bob alone? All poor Bob wants to do is sit in his basement and masturbate to old tapes of Rush Limbaugh's show. But no, he has to go out and work hard to support all the leeches who take and take but give nothing in return! Well, there is one thing: they haven't risen up and burned Bob's house down and skinned him and used his skin as a blanket on cold nights…too busy taking that measly pittance he reluctantly gives them and figuring out how to stretch it out for weeks at a time. Should they cut down to only one meal a day? Pay the rent or put gas in the car? Maybe buy the kid a new t-shirt so she doesn't have to go to school wearing a Goodwill cast-off? Who cares, you leech! Bob is paying for your daughter's t-shirt, and do you even give him the courtesy of thanking him or blowing him in the bathroom of the Albeuquerque Dennys? That's right, take in all 1.5 inches of Dr. Bob! Hurry it up so he can get back to his Grand Slam before the bacon gets all cold and rubbery!

Some people are grateful to live in a society that at least makes an attempt, no matter how meager, to take care of its citizens. Then there are people like Dr. Bob, who should lose everything and have to live in the bottom of a ditch.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:48 pm

"All those poor people just cold fakin' it to get their greedy hands on even more of his hard-earned money, sucking poor Bob's teats dry."

Bob has tits?
Pictures or —
on second thought, no.

wrksuxcreatbeer July 20, 2011 at 4:48 am

And STILL no revolution. I guess until someone starts making Soylent Green out of teh Poors, they'll just sit in front of their tv's in their trailer mansions eating filet o' fish and dreaming of being hundred-aires.

ChuckieJesus July 20, 2011 at 9:36 am

For extra lulz, read all about Robert Rector, the fine author of this piece of shit. His ouevre is… predictable, to say the least.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 11:24 am

Rector? It like to about KILLED her!

Sorry. It just popped out.

CHUDster_Arthur July 20, 2011 at 9:49 am

This makes sense, as the Heritage Foundation is almost certainly stocked with people who grew up in difficult economic conditions, and thus understand what the poor need.

And not, say, a bunch of pompous, privileged sycophants to the super-wealthy who wish that poor people would just crawl into some cave and die.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:50 pm

"a bunch of pompous, privileged sycophants"

You spelled "sociopaths" wrong.

fuflans July 20, 2011 at 11:31 am

ken? is that you?

Buckminster July 20, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Boy, I don't have cable TV OR a dishwasher! I guess I really am poor!

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Oh, yeah, well in other countries, they kill poor people.
USA! USA!! USA!!!

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 5:48 am

If you spend any time in 3rd world countries, you will soon notice that most people have TVs or at least can go watch a neighbor's. US TV show are everywhere, inspiring potential emigrants to getup and go!

louiswu49 July 23, 2011 at 1:16 am

Does it count if I have a TV, but no cable? A car, but no gas money? A refrigerator but no food? I could go on…

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Can you imagine what a strange and fabulous bunch we would be? Short, little me surrounded by hordes of Wonketteers in their best clothes!

Barb July 19, 2011 at 5:12 pm

You're short Lizzie? That's okay, throw that shrimp on this Barbie.

HistoriCat July 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Ooh – best is a relative term. Still, you would have THE entourage!

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Floral print shirt, jorts and Tivas ftw!

elviouslyqueer July 19, 2011 at 5:54 pm

"Strange and fabulous." Yup, that's me finished. Good luck, Lizzie!

HogeyeGrex July 19, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Wait.

Who said anything about wearing clothes?

Nothingisamiss July 19, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Most of us would bathe, and I imagine many of us clean up quite well. The snark-fest would be delightful.

Good luck, talented Wonkateer! Very exciting!

user-of-owls July 19, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Oh my stars, it would be like the Renaissance, Woodstock, Weimar and the discovery of fire all rolled into one.

A fulcrum upon which a cultural shift of truly tectonic, Archimedean proportions would occur.

Do get that part, old thing. Humanity's future lies in the balance ;)

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Well, if I get it I will come out on Wonkette!

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm

That is a delicious brew.

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm

A smidge under 5'4″, oh lanky Barbie!

riverside68 July 19, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Does that mean you're not a short, top-heavy, overly snarky brit?

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Must find a safe way…so Wonkers can support our dear snarky Brit, but you don't get saddled with a bunch of nasty trolls following you in the ether or the real world.

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 5:49 pm

No, I am that, I would out myself in an IMDB kind of way!

Limeylizzie July 19, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Swoon.

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 6:11 pm

#winning!

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Shit–that's right– I forgot that pretty much every state except Alaska reaches triple digits now!! And 20% humidity ain't nothing compared to the 90% soup you see on the east coast & south..

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 6:17 pm

You're still taller than me!

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 5:50 am

Taller than me; I'm 1/4 inch below 5'3"

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 7:18 pm

But there is no global warming. Just ask the Heritage Foundation.

riverside68 July 19, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Hmmmmm . . . Jane Elizabeth Leeves is 5'10"

Oh well, she seems like a pretty limeylizzie, she even likes Cockney rhyming slang

user-of-owls July 19, 2011 at 8:36 pm

And roughly an inch shorter than me!

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Nobody here, I'm sure. Wonketteers have a certain reputation on Teh Inertoobs when it comes to mention of clothes.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 10:09 pm

130k and you don't have enough? God, how pathetic. You are in no position to lecture anyone on how to handle their finances.

Doktor Zoom July 20, 2011 at 2:12 am

Also, Churchill never said that (see the "misattributed" section)

nonbeliever7 July 20, 2011 at 11:37 am

Anyone making $130k should consider it their patriotic duty to chip in another 2% to help this great amber-waved country become hopeful for all. Greed certainly fucks up the minds of formerly decent folks.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 10:15 pm

how about education of a child? childless self-centered brainless a-holes like you and you hubby have no business going off like you do on this MB.

people like you are a good reason why this country is going down the tubes. Pontificating, self-important imbeciles educated is some useless liberal profession.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:20 pm

You say "covenant of habitability" like it actually *means* something.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 10:28 pm

You're really digging on that "useless liberal profession" line, aren't you? Have fun with that.

As far as your gripe about education of a child, I'll refer you to your own answer to Gleem below: Responsible family planning. If you didn't want to pay for children, you shouldn't have had them. Or hell, I'm sure your offspring are such examples of Randian exceptionalism that they can do what my husband and I did: worked and applied for scholarships. Or *gasp* they could even attend a two year community college before transferring to a four year institution to defray costs.

Seriously, most people don't take it for granted that their kids are going to college. My family sure as hell didn't. You sound like a privileged, out-of-touch whiner who thinks life should be made easy just for little old him.

Poor baby, eking by on just 130k a year. You do realize you make over twice the median income in this country, right? You have it easy.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:25 pm

"childless self-centered brainless a-holes"

Wait, isn't part of the reason that poor people are poor that they're whorey and keep pooping out kids?

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 10:38 pm

so you ARE a childless self-centered self-important couple? too bad your parents didn't think likewise.

100k x 2 I would guess, you should talk. It is you who is out of touch in your ivory tower.

so how do you personally help the plight of these poor unfortunates?

On second thought, don't answer.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Nearly three times the amount that the average American family of four must live on.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Oh yes, horrible, childless, self-centered etc etc. And we help the poor by buying them lattes, which we dispense from our Prius as we nibble on arugula salads and laugh at Real Americans for watching Jersey Shore.

IT'S ALL TRUE.

DrBobNM July 19, 2011 at 10:54 pm

what a snob, LOL.

a funny snob, tho' :-)

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 11:38 pm

I must lie down now. Jeeves, my smelling salts.

And to think, everyone said I'd never get any use out of this Fainting Couch.

Cicada July 19, 2011 at 11:46 pm

I think you're a little too focused on bad language. I can say much meaner things without even breaking FCC rules.

*cracks knuckles*

You are a pus-filled chancre nestled in the sweaty folds of Newt Gingrich's pannus. Your brain is so full of excrement that brownish-green slime spills out of your mouth every time you say a word. Your parents secretly hated you, and your mother fantasized that the many times she threw herself down the stairs while you were in her belly had worked. Your children see you as a failure, and they wonder why you spend so much of your life pecking away at a keyboard like a sad teenager with no friends. Your breath smells like the yellowish ooze from an elderly cocker spaniel's anal sacs. Your body looks like a collection of half-filled water balloons covered in hair.

See? Getting hung up on a few four-letter words is just silly.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:33 pm

"the political persuasion that is supposed to be tolerant and compassionate"

"poor people are lazy" — check
"liberals are the REAL intolerant ones" — check
"people without kids are selfish" —
*sound of record scratching*
What th'…
THAT's not in the Fox handbook of memes, is it?

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Did I already say "Marry me and don't have my babies"? Because, you know, just in case I didn't.

Dashboard_Jesus July 20, 2011 at 1:41 am

fuck I love yer way with the werds, will you gay marry me? (but I'm not really gay, ok)

Cicada July 20, 2011 at 12:00 am

;)

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 12:51 am

Move over, I'd like to share that wet dream.

imissopus July 20, 2011 at 3:18 am

And if he had, he'd have been a giant douchebag.

SorosBot July 20, 2011 at 9:44 am

And he was a giant douchebag anyway.

Doktor Zoom July 20, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Now, is she a "Lucky Ducky," a "leech," or both? I'm guessing both, since she managed to get on the disability gravy train, but that is also $12k of someone else's hard-earned tax money that she's whooping it up with.

When Dickens had Scrooge say "Let them hurry up and die then, and reduce the surplus population," it was supposed to be so monstrous that people would recoil at the thought. Apparently it was taken as sound policy advice by some.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 4:46 pm

"it would be like the Renaissance, Woodstock, Weimar and the discovery of fire all rolled into one.

A fulcrum upon which a cultural shift of truly tectonic, Archimedean proportions would occur."

Or, yknow, like if Da Bulls played against Da Bears.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 4:51 pm

There are people who are browner, which is the real problem.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 5:57 am

If you earn 50 cents more than another American, you feel enormously superior.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I'll call Steve Buscemi.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Get a room, you two!

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:28 pm

"Formerly decent"?
You're certainly giving him the benefit of the doubt.

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Ooh! Ooh!
*waves hand eagerly*
Can I tell him to lick the ass of a menstruating skunk?

tessiee July 20, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Well, if the corporations paid enough for people to buy this stuff on their own, they wouldn't be able to create jerbs.

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Oh, like we could afford it. :)

PristineODummy July 20, 2011 at 9:39 pm

That's the real issue, isn't it? We might be poor and down and out and fucked, but at least we're not brown.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:15 am

Have you ever met a real communist? They are pretty conservative these days, like Republicans 50 years ago, before they lost their minds.

zhubajie July 21, 2011 at 6:16 am

Somehow I wonder if you are a real doctor; what university gave you your degree? Universal Life Church?

mormos July 21, 2011 at 5:49 pm

WHITE VS. NON-WHITE. the source of political power in the U.S. for centuries.

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