THE HEADACHES ARE COMING BACK AGAIN  12:54 pm July 19, 2011

Michele Bachmann Also Obviously Huge Pill Popper, Constantly Suffers ‘Episodes’

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

THE HEADACHES TOLD ME TOSo everybody remembers how Michele Bachmann is known to run away from other people screaming? This is apparently totally normal “Michele” behavior, who’d have guessed! Conservative gossip tabloid The Daily Caller got the dirt from three anonymous people “close to Bachmann” saying she gobbles pills all day long, has, uh, “episodes” and mysterious insane “headaches” that require hospitalization when she gets stressed out, all of which she blames on those constant communications from outerspace wearing high heels. All of this sounds so predictably close to the cartoonish vision of Michele Bachmann that most sane people already entertain when they think of this harpie dingbat that we are asking, is this really news? Oh right, she wants to be president.

From TheDC:

Bachmann’s medical condition wouldn’t merit public attention, but for the fact she is running for president. Some close to Bachmann fear she won’t be equal to the stress of the campaign, much less the presidency itself.

“When she gets ‘em, frankly, she can’t function at all. It’s not like a little thing with a couple Advils. It’s bad,” the adviser says. “The migraines are so bad and so intense, she carries and takes all sorts of pills. Prevention pills. Pills during the migraine. Pills after the migraine, to keep them under control. She has to take these pills wherever she goes.”

To staff, Bachmann has implausibly blamed the headaches on uncomfortable high-heel shoes, but those who have worked closely with her cite stress, a busy schedule and anything going badly for Bachmann as causes.

So there you have it, your second Michele Bachmann post of the day, because Michele Bachmann is so certifiably insane that your humorously nihilistic news media cannot resist reminding everyone as often as possible how terrifying this woman’s presidency would look. [TheDC]

 
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{ 301 comments }

Barb July 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Can't she just pray it away, like the gay?

Mapmonger July 19, 2011 at 12:59 pm

That's just for what they consider *moral* ailments, like The Ghey and stuff. For everything else, one has to apply Personal Responsibility, in the form of buying yourself pills. Lots and lots and lots of pills.

WhatTheHeck July 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

She only gulps down the pills when she sees gay people. Also black people.

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Lesbians… in bathrooms…

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Catholics, also.

(Fundies really don't like we Papists.)

PsycWench July 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Makes sense. Migraines involve blood vessels. Erections involve blood vessels. If you can control the second, you ought to be able to control the first.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

With such keen scientific insights, I'm sure you are rocking all kinds of tenure!

Swampgas_Man July 19, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Whatever else you can say about her, I'm pretty sure Bachmann doesn't cause or get erections.

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Oh, I think we can all agree that in some trailer park, there is a lonely Tea Bagger rubbing one out to a picture of Michele. Probably as we speak.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Dear God, now that is lonely…

riverside68 July 19, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Maybe she did pray away the gay.

Now she just has flaming debilitating 'headaches'

Nothing to see here, no conections, keep moving

FNMA July 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm

I always thought her problem was not enough medication, not too much.

BerkeleyBear July 19, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Wrong kind is typically worse than none at all.

x111e7thst July 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm

One pill makes you larger. And one pill makes you small.

Callyson July 19, 2011 at 1:00 pm

And the ones that Michele gives you don't do anything at all…

Dudleydidwrong July 19, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Go ask Sarah, when she's not fuckin' 'em all…

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2011 at 1:06 pm

"I'm STILL big!…It's the pills made me small…"

Thurman Munster IV July 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Mr. DeMint, I'm ready for my close up.

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Keep telling Michele that, Marcus, and she might not realize it's really because she's not a strapping young hunk of a man.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Call your doctor if you're still big after 4 hours.

James Michael Curley July 19, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Tho' she's not really ill,
There's a little yellow pill …

HempDogbane July 19, 2011 at 2:50 pm

She's actual size, but she seems much bigger to me.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 4:26 pm

One night, I got really small…..

Come here a minute July 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Ladyparts, also, too.

Really, nobody comments about this stuff with male candidates, like Tim Pawlenty. Okay, bad example, nobody notices anything about Tim Pawlenty.

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

T-Paw has lady parts?

elviouslyqueer July 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Oh please. T-Paw is one huge ladypart.

ArmoredLibunatic July 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Watch it, bub! That's an insult to legitimate, hard-working lady parts everywhere!

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 1:57 pm

"That's an insult to legitimate, hard-working exciting and memorable lady parts everywhere!"

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Hopefully, if so, it's as awesome as this.

Supernumerary Foot Nipple

& yes, I know, nipples are not gendered, but really, who thinks of dudes & their nipples?

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Nice!

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 2:11 pm

"Supernumary Foot Nipple" would be a great name for a band.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Ouch!

Gleem_McShineys July 19, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Holy cow, so evolution is taking us less towards X-men, and more towards foot-fetishists?

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Sounds like something from a Mesopotamian omen collection! "If a woman has a nipple on her left foot…."

SarcasticNymph July 22, 2011 at 3:14 am

Religion nerd!

FNMA July 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Who?

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Bullshit, Bachmann doesn't have a "get out of the looney bin free" card just on account of her twat. Remember what happened to these guys?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Eagleton#Sele
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Muskee#Presidenti

And nobody commented on either the health or the erratic behavior of John McCain?

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

There was also the talk of the possibility of supposedly-recovered alcoholic Bush getting back on the bottle, but that was sadly confined to the tabloids & blogs.

LetUsBray July 19, 2011 at 6:53 pm

And anyone with a working pair of eyes.

HogeyeGrex July 19, 2011 at 4:22 pm

just on account of her twat

Why bring Marcus into this?

BerkeleyBear July 19, 2011 at 1:56 pm

If President Obama had said anything as crazy as Michele puts out on a regular basis, and then it came out he was complaining of "headaches" the Clintons would have made so much of it he'd have to do televised fMRI and CT scans to prove he wasn't nuts.

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 2:00 pm

None of which would matter, because even without CTs and MRIs you could tell he was headaching while blaaaaaaack!

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Besides, every wingnut within 6 feet of a keyboard would immediately recognize that the CT and MRI scans were Photoshopped.

DailyOlivier July 19, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Maybe a drug habit will bolster his career.

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 12:58 pm

The Meshugener Shiksa is seriously farklemt.

elviouslyqueer July 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Stop it! I'm plotzing!

SpurningBeer July 19, 2011 at 7:54 pm

A vershtinkene momzer that one is. Oy.

fuflans July 19, 2011 at 3:28 pm

speaking as a shiksa, i had no idea that's how you spelled 'farklemt'.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 3:48 pm

And it isn't. Should be "verklempt."

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Need to start watching the Nanny again, with the captions, just to see how the hapless captioneer spells it. (I once saw "supremacist" spelled "supreme cyst."

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 6:39 pm

My SO is not a native speaker of Inglese so we use subtitles quite a bit. (They’re great when you’re watching concerts on HDT, or a Robert Altman movie with overlapping dialogue.) A lot of the titling seems to have been done by either a pathetically inept algorithm or a person with a very bad attitude.And if you can make it through more than 10 minutes of “The Nanny” you’re a braver person than I.

MLHencken July 19, 2011 at 12:58 pm

That's what you get for wearing those hooker-heels to work, Shelly. Tell Marcus to stop picking your outfits for you.

Swampgas_Man July 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm

I thought those WERE Marcus' outfits!

metamarcisf July 19, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Not tonight, Marcus…

FidoMcCokefiend July 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

FABULOUS!!!

OneYieldRegular July 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Not tonight, Vladimir…

Chillwaver July 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Not ever, most likely.

Not_So_Much July 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Probably not any night unless she's willing to strap-on and wear a fake beard…

TanzbodenKoenig July 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

A beard wearing a beard?

BerkeleyBear July 19, 2011 at 1:57 pm

I think I just saw that on 30 Rock.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I just imagined Michele's grating voice yelling, "prepare to be boarded, cabin boy!!" Thanks for ruining my lunch.

Not_So_Much July 19, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Begs the question, does she use a peg-leg or a hook to get into character/use as a marital aid to treat him like the naughty, dirty, naughty, bad boy that he (probably) is?

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Eww. Reminds me of the footage of Larry Craig saying what a naughty, naughty, bad boy, Clinton had been (surfaced again after the restroom incident). Little did we know at the time how much he envied Monica.

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Imagine waking up and seeing those false eye-lashed smeary-mascara raccoon crazy eyes contemplating you, hissing gently, "Maaaarcus, I need you now, Marcus…"

LetUsBray July 19, 2011 at 6:56 pm

So you're saying it is possible to turn a person gay.

succalina July 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

No worries, though, because Marcus never asks.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

…I've gotta nuke Mecca.

weejee July 19, 2011 at 12:59 pm

She should try lithium.

metamarcisf July 19, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Or "Smells Like Teen Spirit", and crank it up all the way. That'll do it.

weejee July 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Ah, some of that Aberdeen grunge, that's the ticket.

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm

While I was sad Kurt couldn't handle life on this earth, I can't say I'd feel the same about One-L.

Steverino247 July 19, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I'm thinking she should try copper-jacketed lead of at least .30 caliber.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Is that what she schoots spa with?

mourningnmerica July 19, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I hear a small cup of mercury will take care of those symptoms right away.

billy_reuben July 19, 2011 at 11:06 pm

She should try hemlock.

Barb July 19, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I bet her husband has a few incurable pounding pains frequently. Take 2 ass burns and call me in the morning.

baconzgood July 19, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Only in Michele Bachmann world do your shoes make your head hurt.

SayItWithWookies July 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm

That's because her brain is a lot closer to her feet than most peoples'.

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I have some heels, however, that when applied to One-L's head at great velocity would certainly produce a headache.

baconzgood July 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I'm sure there is a Bush-shoe toss at the head joke there somewhere.

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Gleem_McShineys July 19, 2011 at 3:13 pm
ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 2:10 pm

That's because her head is up her ass, so when she sticks her foot in her mouth as is her wont, oh never mind.

ManchuCandidate July 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm

It's Bachmann Tension Overdrive

nounverb911 July 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Needs more strokes.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 4:25 pm

A single subarachnoid hemorrhage ought to do the trick.

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Her crabs bleed? Poor things.

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 1:02 pm

"Abner! I think I'm getting one of my sick headaches."

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Electroshock therapy for you!!!

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Lithium and lesbians, Chely, check it and see.

BlueMonkeh July 19, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Claustrophobia from all the voices in her head…

FidoMcCokefiend July 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Why are you afraid of a strong conservative woman that has debilitating migraines and the intelligence of a bag of phlegm?

The choot spa of you people.

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

If I go to a choot spa, what happens? Do I lose choot, do I get in touch with my inner choot, is it just a nice way to de-choot? Are there special choot-loss wraps? Powerful choot cleansers for de-chootification? Small group sessions for de-chooting? I'm confused.

But then I'm not rich enough for spas, so I am unsure of all the types available.

NorthStarSpanx July 19, 2011 at 2:51 pm

When and where is a Super Patriotic American Spa going to open and offer the "choot" special? And tea-bagging also too.

chicken_thief July 19, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Contact Todd. He's up on all the latest spa "therapies".

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

So as soon as Miche1e creeps ahead of Mittens in polls, the long knives come out. These Republicans play rough!

Oh and they're also perfectly willing to crash the world economy, if it makes and important point.

HistoriCat July 19, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I thought that was already established in 2000 during the South Carolina primary.

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 1:55 pm

"Oh and they're also perfectly willing to crash the world economy, if it makes and important point."

Point being, 2012 is when the world will end. Brought about by middle-aged dumpy, ignorant, racist morons wearing tricorne hats and and stupid-ass breeches with zippers instead of buttons and shower cap bonnets and iridescent sequinned Uncle Sam costumes in public!

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 2:49 pm

So it really will be the gays that bring everything crashing down.

BerkeleyBear July 19, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Especially if the point is, "we're batshit crazy – vote for us, or we'll come back home and do this shit closer to you."

SenileAgitation July 19, 2011 at 3:19 pm

They are doctrinaire fuckers. But it's no secret they got their political action model from the Soviets, though of course not the to-each-according-to-his-wallet bullshit.

Callyson July 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

The Minnesota Republican frequently suffers from stress-induced medical episodes that she has characterized as severe headaches. These episodes, say witnesses, occur once a week on average and can “incapacitate” her for days at time.
How can they tell the difference?

weejee July 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

♪♫ Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you. ♫♪

HarryButtle July 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Ya gotta give it to her…she's got choots-pa.

SenileAgitation July 19, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Hemingway had shoots Pa.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I thought it was choot-SPA. Where Marcus goes to get his toes painted in Pinkberry.

weejee July 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Well when it comes to headaches, Michele's kinda like Typhoid Mary where she gives 'em out as good as she gets.

genxr July 19, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Those high heels squeeze her brain. That explains a lot.

Nopantsmcgee July 19, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Try uncrossing your eyes a few minutes each day, Michele. that's gotta help the headaches if not the goofy photographs.

mourningnmerica July 19, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Or legs.

JoshuaNorton July 19, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Does that include any court-ordered antipsychotics?

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Apparently not.

Chillwaver July 19, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Once upon a time, Michele was given a choice between a red and a blue pill…and she chose the latter…

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Viagra is blue, right?

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Viagra?

hagajim July 19, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Migraines are from the implant the aliens stuck in her head. Whenever they tell her to do something sane she has massive headaches because we all know she can't tolerate sane.

freakishlywrong July 19, 2011 at 1:06 pm

The Daily Caller??? Either they've gotten their orders to take her out, or it's just delicious wingnut on wingnut violence. I hope it's the latter.

ManchuCandidate July 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Can't it be both?

Texan_Bulldog July 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I hope it's both! Yeah, sounds like Tucker got the memo from the cool guys that Shelly is catching up with Mittens. Boy, I can't wait for the debates!

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Yeah, the GOP establishment does not want a psycho guaranteed to go down in flames in the general election to get the nomination; they want Mittens or T-Paw.

CapeClod July 19, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I've got a feeling that the serious people aren't going to wait until the primaries to put a few holes in her hull.

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 2:11 pm

On the other hand, Marcus is willing to wait forever to poke in her holes.

OC_Surf_Serf July 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Does she steal these numerous pills like Cindy McCain? Or does Marcus get them free from drug reps??

chicken_thief July 19, 2011 at 3:21 pm

All of them, Katie.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Don't forget about sending out one of the foster children to score a few on the street..

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 6:34 pm

That's what the Messican maid is for.

Goonemeritus July 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Cognitive dissonance is a bitch, imagine your brain trying to resolve some of her positions. I would need a full time Dilaudid drip and I would still need to blow bubbles into a bottle of Rebel Yell.

Tundra Grifter July 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Rebel Yell & Vernor's.

Now your talkin'.

Sharkey July 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm

They don't call him Dr. Marcus "Feelgood" Bachmann for nothing.

DashboardBuddha July 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Little Bachman had a pill
Its shell was white as snow
And everywhere that Bachman went
The pill was sure to go.

ManchuCandidate July 19, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Bachmann's Little Helper.

DashboardBuddha July 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Does she go running for the shelter?

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we know crazy 'chele's a junky…

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 2:42 pm

A raging prescription pill addiction would explain an awful lot.

Nopantsmcgee July 19, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I get horrible painful debilitating migraines, so I kinda feel for her. But, then I'm not running for President. Trust me, if I was President and I had one, not even Nuclear Fucking Armageddon could get me out from under the covers in my pitch black bedroom. "Fuck the human species…my head is killing me, " is what you'd hear from me painfully whispering.

BlueMonkeh July 19, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I get some vicious, head-splitting, vomit spewing migraines occasionally, but they're due to bright lights and/or certain chemical smells.

Not getting my way doesn't usually trigger my migraines.

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

But, do your shoes cause them? Or perhaps your pants (since apparently you prefer to go sans bottoms)?

Obviously, she just needs to run the situation room barefoot and everything would be fine.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Well, it's comforting to know what's gonna happen if the red telephone rings in the middle of the night. "Marcus, will you pull that fucking cord out of the wall before I KILL somebody??!!!?!"

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 4:33 pm

"Dang it, Michele, I just got up here in my bunk."

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

". "Marcus, will you pull that fucking cord out of the wall before I KILL somebody??!!!?!""

"Oh wait, on second thought, I'll take the call. KILL! Thank you. Goodbye."

SexySmurf July 19, 2011 at 1:08 pm

This is good news for Cindy McCain. Because Michele is willing to share.

jus_wonderin July 19, 2011 at 1:08 pm

"Marcus!!! Put down the fucking toilet lid!!!"

mavenmaven July 19, 2011 at 1:08 pm

We have had a black president, now it is time for a much larger American constitutency to be represented. Yes, it is time for America to have a mentally ill presidency.

mumbly_joe July 19, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Ronald Reagan.

Steverino247 July 19, 2011 at 2:03 pm

The personality disordered Presidency of George W. Bush fit that need in spades.

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Lincoln? Clinical depression?

James Madison? Napoleon Complex?

Jefferson? Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Nixon, an alcoholic depressive with paranoia and a persecution complex that rivals Palin's, warrants consideration.

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 6:37 pm

"There is a tragic flaw in our precious constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president." — Kurt Vonnegut

TanzbodenKoenig July 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I hope she's possessed. I'm totally voting for her if she can spin her head around and spew green vomit, no one could top that in a debate.

BlueMonkeh July 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Putin and Lil Kim would have to step up to their A game.

Steverino247 July 19, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I'm not sure how the base would handle her masturbating with a crucifix and screaming, "Let Jesus fuck you" though. Might be a bit over the top.

Ha! How would FOX News cover THAT event? Discuss.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 2:55 pm

How would FOX News cover THAT event?
"Hey, look over there, a liberal/gay penis issue!!!"

Steverino247 July 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Bachmann plows new ground in bid for Presidency?

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I suspect the headline would not be "YOUR MOTHER SUCK KOCHS IN HELL!"

Chillwaver July 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

So she needs pills to make it through the day….no wonder why she married a gay doctor.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Dr. Feelgood?

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Um, not a medical doctor. PhD from an on-line university. It would have to be the Messican maid doing the dirty work for her.

Sharkey July 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Reminds me of Cindy McCain!

FidoMcCokefiend July 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Sounds like the movie Pi. I can loan her my power drill if necessary.

not that Dewey July 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

"Mom told me never to look at the sun. So I did."

tcaalaw July 19, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Failed treatments to date: Beta blockers, calcium channel blockers, adrenalin injections, high dose ibuprofen, steroids, Trager Mentastics, violent exercise, cafergot suppositories, caffeine, acupuncture, marijuana, Percodan, Midrine, Tenormin, Sansert, homeopathics. No results. No results…

finallyhappy July 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Yup, I am just about to see a neurologist/migraine specialist .I once thought(not seriously) about taking an ice pick to my head- and the movie Pi certainly made me rethink that moment.

ManchuCandidate July 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

And this is… um… shocking.

Again shows what a bunch of clueless botards Teabaggers really are. All they hear are words and see white skin and they go "She's a A REAL LEADUH!!" Clueless… abso-fucking-lutely clueless.

When I was in charge of a manufacturing team of 30 people, I learned you have to keep cool and calm even when you don't feel like it or even want to. Losing your shit is a big no no in leadership positions and becomes increasingly important the higher up you go.

Losing her shit seems to be the only thing that Mish is good for.

Tundra Grifter July 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

So that's why she ran screaming from those two women in the restroom?

Her shoes were too tight?

Lord knows what is too tight to make her so hate on Black farmers.

AJWjr. July 19, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Yeah, I always thought the meme was more like "Tight women, loose shoes and a warm place to shit. Painfully obvious.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 2:19 pm

"Lord knows what is too tight to make her so hate on Black farmers."

Her white sheet?

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Whichever of her thousands of children who switches her meds with Pez candy is my favorite child forever.

I have family members who suffer from migraines, and I was hesitant to snark about it until I remembered that I am a barbarian to her. This alleviates my guilt, so when I say I'd like to enter her (don't even go there, you guys) dark sick room to give her Pez pills, I'd also enjoy smacking her upside the head with a bible while asking her why Jeebis hates her so much that he's doing this to her.

Not_So_Much July 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Jest puh-ray that ghey away! Then some dancing!

Suzan July 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I wonder… When Michelle Bachmann has a crazy spell does she become like normal people?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Its a bitch when those CIA mind control chips start to short out on you.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Those are now illegal in Georgia, as I understand it.

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Are you saying that the silicon chip inside her head is set to overload?

thefrontpage July 19, 2011 at 4:24 pm

My CIA chips are still running fine, and I had them installed in 1984. Every now and then, I pick up CB radio talk, but that can be entertaining. Did you know that most CBers are liberal Democrats? They are.

flamingpdog July 19, 2011 at 6:45 pm

I saw that movie – her silicon clit was inside her head. I think it was called "Deep Thinking".

CapeClod July 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I had my suspicions that Baron Vladimir Harkonnen was running the show in her noggin.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

The Baron had more style, and wasn't opposed to the ghayez.

CapeClod July 19, 2011 at 1:43 pm

OK but if she suddenly blurts out "The spice must flow!" at one of the debates, don't say I didn't warn you.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Well and truly noted.

finallyhappy July 19, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Children of Dune- now rereading after many years- perhaps because of a comment you made some time ago(after I said I hated all the books after Dune)

FlownOver July 19, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I'm still waiting for Lynch… er, "Alan Smithey"… to do the sequel. If he sneaks in a Bachmann subplot he can call it "Dunes & Maroons."

KotBR July 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm

This is why we can't have National Health Care, folks! Because the Soshalizt gub'ment might keep Michelle from her brain pills. Bad news, friends.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Maybe she should get an electro-encephalogram. I mean, Charles Whitman had a pretty big tumor in his head that day he sent everyone home early from class at UT back in '66.

HistoriCat July 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Ooh – a big tumor! Maybe they could operate and remove it. And when she comes out she's a completely different person – in favor of universal health care and racial justice. Although her political career might have to go on hold while she sorts out her marriage.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 2:58 pm

According to the latest report, an X-ray of her head showed nothing.

Gleem_McShineys July 19, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Just because her brain is trying to jump out the windows is no cause for alarm, everybody.
When she gets that bug-eyed look, just give a couple simple raps on the forehead, that usually scares the little guy right back down where it belongs.

orygoon July 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm

We should be compassionate about people who suffer, not make fun of them.
We should be compassionate about people who suffer, not make fun of them.
We should be compassionate about people who suffer, not make fun of them.
We should be compassionate about people who suffer, not make fun of them.
We should be compassionate about –ah, fuck that. Bitch deserves it, and more.

(I get headaches all the time, and take meds for them that work quite well and do not make me unpleasantly maniacal. They make me better, for fuck's sake.)

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I get headaches all the time. It hasn't turned me into a batshit loony-tunes racist bible thumping teabagger. (Yet.)

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm

You both need Marcus to give you some treatment.

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 2:59 pm

That might possibly be the most horrible thing anyone's ever said to me.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Perhaps this is all just part of Marcus' great experiment to see if he can convert his wife to the gay way. First of all, if he can do it one way, he can certainly reverse it. Second, he might get to watch some good girl on girl action.

simplyblue7 July 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Where's the third post which states, which we already know, that she's a blatant racist?

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 1:45 pm

It was a couple weeks ago, I think…when she signed that pledge that included language to the effect that black babies born into slavery were better off than those born under the first black president. We have trifecta.

JoshuaNorton July 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I believe that in Victorian times it was referred to as hysteria and was caused by sexual frustration.

Doctors had a "massage" therapy for such problems. Maybe Michele needs a good vibrator more than a fistful of Advil.

elviouslyqueer July 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Maybe Michele needs a good vibrator more than a fistful of Advil.

That sucker better be the size of a Louisville Slugger to cure what ails her. Mind you, she'd have to pry it out of Marcus's ass first.

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Hold that thought — I'm launching a new, political line of Tijuana Bibles.

Mapmonger July 19, 2011 at 2:44 pm

You are the wind beneath my wings.

MissusBarry July 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Wish I could find the link to that fisting-as-communing-with-doG link.

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Nothing less than massive bloodletting and electric shocks to the genitals will do. Come to think of it, she could vacation at Club Gitmo for those treatments.

NorthStarSpanx July 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Wasn't it called the 'vapors' and women were allowed to go to a Doctor's office and get masturbated? It's "medical" therefore guilt and adultery free.

Oh I see, this will be the first of Health Secretary Palin's medicaid approved therapy programs under a Bachmann administration. Dr. Bachmann will only take male patients.

Sparky_McGruff July 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I know that when I hear her voice, I get a massive headache.

VaWyo July 19, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Me too. One that pills alone will not cure. Must take with vodka.

Not_So_Much July 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

"take off….the Cruel Shoes…"

Sharkey July 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

OK, when do we get a "pill portrait"?

ifthethunderdontgetya July 19, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Wow, 2nd page in just 20 minutes?!?! Anywho:

…because Michele Bachmann is so certifiably insane that your humorously nihilistic news media cannot resist reminding everyone as often as possible how terrifying this woman’s presidency would look.

My theory: Our corporate media wants to help the GOP get the desired corporate candidate in place. And One L ain't it.
~

Preferred Customer July 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I get these things, too, and they're truly awful, but I don't think they disqualify you from the Presidency. I would contrast this with EVERY OTHER ASPECT of Bachmann's personality, temperament, intelligence, personality, personal morals, and ethics, all of which render her completely and totally unsuited to be President. Honestly, the fact that she gets terrible migraines might be the least disqualifying thing about her.

BlueMonkeh July 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm

To staff, Bachmann has implausibly blamed the headaches on uncomfortable high-heel shoes, but those who have worked closely with her cite stress, a busy schedule and anything going badly for Bachmann as causes.

No, no, the migraines alone don't disqualify. But the whole toddleresque my way or the migraine routine certainly does.

ManchuCandidate July 19, 2011 at 1:44 pm

How do you think she got Marcus to jump her?

"It's either sex or I get a migraine!"
"Oh lord, nooooooo! I'll Lie back and think of Johnny."

BlueStateLibel July 19, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I bet she is also subject to periodic "meltdowns," those episodes that affect both sexes and involve tears, screaming, wild accusations, various thrown things, etc. It must have been fun being one of her foster kids.

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 1:26 pm

"Mommy's going to go in her room now, and would everyone stop fighting and PLEASE BE QUIET FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!?!"

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Talk about scared straight.

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 2:51 pm

"I said, NO WIRE HANGERS!"

4tehlulz_lite July 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Thorazine is a hell of drug.

SayItWithWookies July 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm

So do these debilitating headaches cause insanity too, or is that something she came up with on her own?

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 4:08 pm

I think the insanity is caused by massive narcotic usage.

MrFizzy July 19, 2011 at 1:26 pm

The headaches are just her brain's way of purging any original or humane thoughts. Recommended cure: trepanation with a corkscrew.

DangerHelvetica July 19, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Man, I've suffered episodes. Like the last season of Seinfeld, am I right folks?

Also, severe anxiety and depression.

baconzgood July 19, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Soooooo, bunions are caused by my baseball cap being too tight then?

DerrickWildcat July 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

You can get a head ache if you eat ice cream really fast.

orygoon July 19, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Yes, and you get a similar little minute-long headache if you are swimming and get a little bit of water up your schnozz. I wonder if it's somehow the same mechanism, somehow?

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 1:34 pm

God hates Michele Bachmann. Why else would he send her such headaches?

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 4:55 pm

You think you hear my voice?

FEEL THIS PAIN YOU CRAZY GAY FUCKER…

mumbly_joe July 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Ugh, thanks for linking ot the Daily Tucker. I just found myself reading about how Victoria Jackson is pretty sure Obama is Hitler, because they both had white mothers, and also some other, fictional, things.

Now I have a migraine. Where're mah pills???

Sue4466 July 19, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Let's be clear, it's not the migraine part of her brain that makes her unequal to the task of being president. It's the batshit rest of her brain that does that. And unlike the migraines, that part is fully operational 24/7.

WhatTheHeck July 19, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Its those shoes.
“Come vote for me” pumps.

Thedongsofwar July 19, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Beards often suffer from migraines.

Billmatic July 19, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Quiet, you are angering the Pareene.

occams8ball July 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I thought she only wore the heels when she wanted to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Oh, hell:

You know who else had episodes?

James Michael Curley July 19, 2011 at 1:48 pm

"Days of our Lives" for over forty years!

Monsieur_Grumpe July 19, 2011 at 1:49 pm

My epileptic cat?

Steverino247 July 19, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Friends? Seinfeld? Two and a Half Men?

Oh, since we're talking about Bachmann (sorry). The Twilight Zone?

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Dr Dre?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Lizzie Borden?

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 2:40 pm

R. Kelly?

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Doctor Who?

metamarcisf July 19, 2011 at 3:47 pm

The "Clubbing the Halibut" installment of "Sarah Palin's Alaska?

notreelyhelping July 19, 2011 at 1:47 pm

"Paging Dr. Eagleton, code red…."

rogue operator July 19, 2011 at 1:49 pm

So this is what life is like inside a house of mirrors. Huh.

Buckminster July 19, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Her brain is in her feet? I fail to understand.

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 5:53 pm

And her head is in her ass. This Michele Bachmann character's all sorts of mixed-up crazy!

Monsieur_Grumpe July 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I should be sympathetic but for some reason I’m not.
Bachmann has stolen my empathy which gives me yet another reason to hate her.

Sharkey July 19, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Headaches? Try pills!

Weenus299 July 19, 2011 at 2:01 pm

All those crippling headaches are God's whispers to her psyche.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Actually, that's God putting her head into a vice grip, trying to squeeze the bullshit out of her like toothpaste out of a tube…

genxr July 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

She has more experience than Obama when it comes to debilitating stress, libtardunatics!

Doktor Zoom July 19, 2011 at 2:07 pm

"They say women shouldn't be the president
'cause they go CRAZY from time to time
Well push my buttons, baby
I'm at high tide"

Laurie Anderson, "Beautiful Red Dress"

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 3:03 pm

♫ The tide is high.
But I'm holding on.
I'm gonna be your number one … ♫

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 2:23 pm

So when she says god told her to run for President, she probably thinks that happened literally; that is, that she hallucinated that god appeared before her to tell to run.

Sadly/scarily, since she runs with the evangelical branch of Christianity that still believes hallucinations are actual visions of angels or demons, it's not a negative with them and won't hurt her.

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I want to see the debate where the moderator asks "Why do you believe God picked you to be president, and that everyone else on this stage who believes the same thing (that God picked him/her) is a delusional whackjob?"

BklynIlluminati July 19, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Daily caller throwing fellow conservatives under the bus since 1913!

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 2:25 pm

After all these years, she still believes in Jeebis,
After all these drugs, she thinks she is him

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm

They say the coloreds steal the crop-cash
of respected farming gentlemen.
They say it would be wine and roses
if Iowa were for Iowhites again.

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 3:00 pm

YES!

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Spent many a college afternoon lying in bed wearing the big Koss Stereophones, tripping on Sandinista!

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 3:15 pm

MAAAAAAgnificent.

Weenus299 July 19, 2011 at 2:38 pm

If I were Michele Bachmann, I would also need a wide assortment of pills, just to deal with me.

genxr July 19, 2011 at 2:49 pm

She just keeps taking pills until she says, "What a lovely voice I have, and well-considered ideas, too!"

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Goodness knows no one else is likely to say it.

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 3:02 pm

She'll deal with kings and presidents but she'll never deal with me.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 19, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Looks like someone needs to get their green card and some medical marijuana.

smitallica July 19, 2011 at 2:44 pm

She gobbles pills all day long. And Marcus gobbles cock all night.

widestanceroman July 19, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Most awful AbFab rip-off ever.

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 2:49 pm

So, this is what happens when someone spends 35 years prattling to everyone that she is better than they are because she is in a good and holy Christian marriage, while knowing for every minute of those thirty. five. years. that her spouse only reluctantly will bed her because neither one of them can admit even to themselves that hubby would so much rather be in bed (enthusiastically!) with another man than with her. And that each. and. every. time. they are together, he's imagining someone and something else.

Well, Michelle! You lying and self-deceiving wench! You earned those headaches! Enjoy!

nanooknw July 19, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Well that explains the glassy stare when she is on Chris Mathews.
She's stoned out of the mind!

GOPCrusher July 19, 2011 at 4:12 pm

That's probably why she never looks directly into a camera when she's interviewed. And all this time, I thought it was because she believed that it would steal her soul.

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Or, not getting any satisfaction from Marcus, she's imagining Chris naked… never mind, I think I'm going to throw up.

NorthStarSpanx July 19, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Good strong conservative women libel! You did this by saying Sarah was losing her hair and now you are saying Michele can't function in heels but insists on wearin' em. These ladies can handle stress, they digest it like butter and let it manifest in good, clean crazy behavior and policy.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Can't Marcus design a fabulous tinfoil hat for her?

ChrisM2011 July 19, 2011 at 2:59 pm

No, no, NO! This will only encourage more people to vote for her. Think of the constant entertainment she'll bring as president. It will be as if Charlie Sheen never went away.

benjo765 July 19, 2011 at 3:02 pm

she could do with squeezing more anti-psychotics into that pill-poppin regiment of hers

comrad_darkness July 19, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Still better than Palin. I realize that's not saying much, but I don't have much to say today.

comrad_darkness July 19, 2011 at 3:24 pm

With all those kids she's got, runnin' for the shelter of her mother's little 'elper would not be any great shocker.

greenpatches July 19, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I wonder what Marcus takes when HIS heels become too much.

GortRay July 19, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Doesn't the Buddha or somebody say "The headache you take is equal to the headache you make?"

genxr July 19, 2011 at 4:05 pm

So she's feeling the combined power of every headache she ever caused anyone? That's almost too cruel. Almost.

metamarcisf July 19, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Marcus, there's somebody at the back door…

donner_froh July 19, 2011 at 4:04 pm

People who really suffer from headache–I happen to be one them, get cluster headaches like a motherfucker–will do almost anything to stop the pain or to keep it from starting. Anyone who actually suffers from migraine and whose self-diagnosis is "tight high heels" would trade those red soled Louboutins for a pair of Birkenstocks.

SaintRond July 19, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Hey, let's all pray!

Oh, please, Lord, please… Let her be infected with cankers on her tongue and around her mouth and burst forth on her rectum so she shitteth her guts out with wailing and much gnashing of teeth. Let her groweth a lemon sized tumor within her skull to cause agonies like unto Hell. Amen.

Peace… God bless…

EBGrey July 19, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Hmm. An anonymous hit piece on Bachman in a right-wing publication. Methinks the natives are getting restless. And by natives I mean the rich douches that run the GOP are trying to derail that crazy train.

smokefilleddoommate July 19, 2011 at 4:14 pm

"I can't lead the free world today. I have a headache."

thefrontpage July 19, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Bachmann has the headaches because she doesn't want to have the sexual relations with her flaming homosexual husband.

franco_pinyon July 19, 2011 at 4:26 pm

So, she will be just fine as POTUS, as long as there is no stress.

WVUer21 July 19, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Look who just became Limbaugh's new favorite candidate.

DahBoner July 19, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I heard these Republican Pillheads have something called "Pill Parties", where the guests all bring pills and empty them into a big bowl.

Then everyone at the party eats a handful of pills, without knowing what they are.

And then they sit back and watch old Dennis Miller reruns, back when he was funny.

Frightening!!!!

prommie July 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Ooohhh, now the story is that her goons roughed up an ABC TV reporter who tried to ask her about her migraines! Who ever thought she had goons? Hired goons, apparently.

emmelemm July 19, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Yes, apparently he asked her if having a migraine ever caused her to miss a vote in the House. Speaking of which, when these fuckheads are out campaigning, how do they do their representational duties?

lochnessmonster July 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Ummm These may be dumb questions but if it IS caused by high heels, why doesn't she stop wearing the heels? Are lady congress people required to wear heels? If so what do you do if you have bunions and you are a lady person in the congress?

__kth__ July 19, 2011 at 5:48 pm

What a drag it is getting old.

DemonicRage July 19, 2011 at 5:56 pm

All who are spreading those rumors come out of the same unholy Medieval place as people who would say that women can never be President, because if the Russians provoked her on a day when "it was her time of the month," she would press the missile launch buttons just because she was feeling tense. Think of how great it will be to have someone in The White House who really does feel the pain that most of us feel from time to time, instead of an exotic Unicorn.

Tundra Grifter July 19, 2011 at 6:04 pm

How can the tea baggers lose something they never really had?
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/demint-warns-t

zhubajie July 19, 2011 at 6:54 pm

So don't wear the high heels! Jeez, it's not hard to figure out.

AntonovBureau July 19, 2011 at 7:49 pm

This leak has the stank of Snowbilly all over it.

Cat fight?

ttommyunger July 19, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Nothing that regular good 'ol Missouri Horse-Fuckings wouldn't keep at bay; 'course with Dr. Marcus in the mix, not much chance of that happening…Thus the Migraines.

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 1:56 am

Yoou guys, I heard that if she gets wet, she melts.

Surely, she is possessed by a demon. I smell an exorcism!

Negropolis July 20, 2011 at 2:25 am

I blame it on the gheys, and their secret headache weapons of mass distraction.

Seriously, though, if my eyes never properly focused on anything, I'd be having headaches all day, too.

outragedcitizen July 20, 2011 at 10:19 am

High heel shoes causing her headaches is ridiculous! ButI could believe her headaches were caused by her panties being too tight because after all, her head is usually so far up her ass.

peaceshelly July 21, 2011 at 12:01 am

She needs a good Chiropractor.
Her head obviously isn't on straight.
And speaking of straight, her husband isn't….
Isn't it totally obvious?
I think he was the massage therapist that Ted Haggard was seeing in Denver to cure his "gayness".

lulzmonger July 21, 2011 at 3:29 am

Headaches: can be a side-effect of Sandy Vagina Syndrome.

Should be a laugh-riot when she's debating her primary opponents & the meds run out.

"Mrs. Bachmann, what is your position on – "
"Hhhnnggghh? EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH!" (runs away)

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 7:46 pm

It's especially funny to watch them backspace and try again. It does seem sometimes that the voice recognition software needs to be adjusted just a bit. And then of course, they occasionally just go into Klingon for no apparent reason (sunspots?).

ChessieNefercat July 19, 2011 at 7:49 pm

No, I just imagine poor Marcus re-thinking the deal he made with the devil, I mean Michele. I think she could scare someone out of any orientation whatsoever.

zhubajie July 24, 2011 at 7:29 am

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