but do they kiss?Unrepentant demon overlord Rupert Murdoch and son are busy promising the British Parliament today that they had no knowledge about any of the hacking going on at News of the World previous to the scandal breaking, a ludicrous suggestion that ranks up there with “9/11 was done by the Jews” for accuracy. But Murdoch did at least admit that he regularly butt penetrates Prime Minister David Cameron. UPDATE: An activist (this guy?) tried to throw a pie at Murdoch during the hearing, which will now be “Britain’s Iraqi shoe-thrower moment” but with pies, because that is the highest form of insult in that country.

Everybody in the room laughed at the buttsex joke, because Murdoch and Cameron are both old and gross. Haha, world leaders regularly request an evil corporate colon dusting from their owners.

Beside the pie-throwing moment which is now all anyone will remember, Murdoch Senior for his part mostly just kept yelling, “HUNNFGRHHH?” and slapping the table at everyone because he is old and he can’t hear things he doesn’t like. James Murdoch said the phrase, “I have no knowledge of that” 395 times with his “I randomly swallow my vowels” accent over the course of the hearing. NEEDZ MOAR EVIL because this is otherwise very boring and unsatisfying. AND THAT IS WHAT PUBLIC TRIALS OR WHATEVER ARE FOR, pieing shameless villains, Monty Python lives, etc.

Oh yes and what else:

  • The whistleblower who started this entire scandal mysteriously turned up dead. No one immediately infer anything from this.
  • The husband of disgraced former News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks tried to ditch his laptop, phone and papers in a trash can outside their house and then told police who found it that a friend was just leaving it there for him to pick up later.
  • And now there are rumors Rupert Murdoch will resign as CEO of News Corp. Haha, this would be like when Putin “stepped down” from the Russian presidency he still runs.


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  • nounverb911

    Marcus Bachmannn has a cure for that.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Marcus Bachmannn has a cure yen for that.


  • So, Rupert…you're saying you had a wide opening?

    • riverside68


      • PristineODummy

        Goddamn you, riverside, if I'd only been *awake* 8 hours ago!

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    The victims of his phone scandal sure know how being ass raped feels…

    • Except for the murdered children and the 9/11 victims, because they were dead first.

      • V572 Hair of Destiny

        So: no harm done, really. What's all the fuss about? Rupert's rich and should be able to do what he likes. He's an American now!

  • jdoleman

    After this performance Rupert will have to go to James Bond Villain refresher school, he is not scary any more.

    • horsedreamer_1

      With his head shaved on top & buzzed on the sides & back, I am thinking he's either got Cancer, like Jobs, or AIDS, like Liberace, & is in the final stages of the disease/infection. & given what they have said about Rupert from before his marriage to Wendy, I'm leaning toward AIDS.

      • PristineODummy

        OK, dish the dirt. No fair letting that little teaser dangle out there without the promise of more meat to come.

  • hagajim

    Looks like Li'l Rupie might finally get some kind of comeuppance for being a huge douchenozzle for all these years. However, if he's been coming in Cameron's backdoor for the last few years I imagine his punishment will be nothing more than a slap on the hand, or a mushroom stamp on the forehead.

  • So that is what the Brits mean when they call someone a poodle.


    May we burn him?!?!

    • genxr

      Does he weigh the same as a duck?

      • OneDollarJuana

        "it's a fair cop."

        • not that Dewey

          but society's to blame.

  • BlueMonkeh

    But how much Viagra did ole Rupey need to get in Cameron's back door? Hermmmm?

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Only one KU, probably

      (Katie Unit)

  • nounverb911

    Lindsey Graham is all anxious to investigate Cameron's back door.

    • BlueMonkeh

      …and Rupey has a standing invite to go through his back door.

      • horsedreamer_1


        • MissTaken

          I thought nothing could be as gross as The Human Centipede. But Conservapede just pulled ahead.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Oh, but, wait, there's more: that's the opening nite entertainment for the GOP convention in Tampa.

    • MissTaken

      You know, in the UK a biscuit is a cookie. Ham Cookies!

  • Barb

    Rupert is just learning the lingo he will be using in prison. I hope he's going to wind up an Australian speaking butt pirate in prison. Oh, take Beck with you.

    • Something like:
      prisoner: "That's not a shiv. This is a shiv!" (pulls out his cock)
      Murdoch: "ARRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!"

  • SayItWithWookies

    Somewhere in Austin, Governor Big Hair is cradling is .50 cal Desert Eagle and weeping silently.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    ♫The proles don't know
    But the politicians understand
    Well, I'm a back door man ♪

    • horsedreamer_1

      Have any of the Led Zeppelin guys been knighted? Jimmy Page, maybe?

      If not, it's about damn time. Get to it, Queen! Pip, pip!

    • PristineODummy

      Damn, Howlin' Wolf is just what I need right now.

  • metamarcisf

    Can't wait for the feature film, starring Frank Langella and Julianne Moore, entitled "I'm A Back Door Man"

    • With Ann Coulter in the title role.

      • Does she still exist?

        • V572 Hair of Destiny

          Didn't you see her on Bill Maher the other week? Not a huge Maher fan meself, but that made me turn away. She giggled like a schoolgirl at all his jokes about her. Ew.

  • lefty74

    Believe me, the Murdocks will not be the ones waking up tomorrow with sore assholes.

    • Hot date tonight?

      Or do you mean "sore" as in "angry", and "assholes" as in "Repubicans" and "waking up" as in "married to Rick Perry"?

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    Please, they're British. In all the good public boys schools, this is merely known as a bit of "Tuesday Night Scrumpy." Which, of course, we Americans had to co-opt and rename as a "Tuesday Night Takedown."

    • horsedreamer_1

      So, there is actually a Buhgina? It's not just a slurring?

    • fuflans

      actually i think the murdochs are american. we get palin, bachmann, santorum, all the scotts, rick perry AND the murdochs.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Rupert is Australian, but was made an honorary citizen (i.e. didn't have to jump through all the hoops that the hoi-polloi have to) so he could "legally" own the media.

  • prommie

    Anyone who wants to call on Enol Aengus can come around to the back door of shady thicket.

    • riverside68

      Any relation to Colonel Aengus?

      • prommie

        Surely you heard, Colonel Aengus was stripped of his rank after the incident at Big Beaver, during which several of his men were stricken with lockjaw. Since then, he goes by his given name, Enol.

  • freakishlywrong

    My schaden is over frueding..although, nothing will happen to this evil goblin. And, Jesus, the "democrats" like fucking Ed Rendell (really?) and fucking Harold Ford Jr. saying that the "left" shouldn't appear to be witch hunting this . Yes, because Uncle Rupie has sicked an entire 24/7 fake news network on libruls, lefties, Dems, Progressives and declared us to be "a cancer". Uncle Rupert also defended the hate filled pink balloon when he referred to the mixed race POTUS as a racist who "hates white people?" Hang this asshole. Hang him high.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Someone needs to explain to these people that it's not a witch hunt when you're prosecuting a felon for a crime he actually committed. Or when you repeal the laws that allow him to own multiple media outlets in the same market. Or when you repeal the laws that allow him to own a huge percentage of national media outlets. That's just soundly fixing the fuckups of the wannabe robber baron generation.

      • V572 Hair of Destiny

        Also he's a witch. Or something at least that evil. So it's a witch hunt in that sense.

      • freakishlywrong

        Also please to define "demagogue". It does not mean what they think it means. Too.

      • GOPCrusher

        I disagree. According to the Yahoo comments, this whole thing is funded by George Soros in the hopes of shutting down Fox News and removing the last bastion of dissention against the Muslim Socialist Usurper living in the White Man's House.

        • PristineODummy

          Geezus, they really do have a bunch of yahoos commenting at that site, don't they? Teh stoopid, it must be shut down in order for Yahoo to function at all as a community outlet.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I used to tolerate Harold Ford Jr., given that he was the least corrupt, batshit insane member of the Ford clan. Now, though, it seems like wants to be nothing more than a lawn jockey for the GOP.

      • HistoriCat

        Now, though, it seems like wants to be he's nothing more than a lawn jockey for the GOP.

        Fixed that for you.

    • Jesus, Ed Rendell and Harold Ford Jr.?! Are you watching Morning Joe again?! I've warned you guys that shit will rot your brain!!

    • horsedreamer_1

      HFJ is playing it cool… since he'll have to have somewhere to turn once MSNBC dumps him on his self-loathing behind.

      Plus, FOX has Megyn Kelly.

  • Oh come on, Murdoch couldn't find the ass on a donkey.

    • You say that, but he's been fucking the democrats for years.

      • Sue4466

        Damn! you win!

  • elviouslyqueer
    • PristineODummy

      Ya know, if you're doing it right, you don't get a sore asshole. Also, your likelihood of remaining full of shit is significantly lessened as the result of a warm spoo enema.

      So, no. Rupe is nothing like anal sex. Unless it's santorum-riddled anal sex. With a diseased and torn anus.

  • MildMidwesterner

    I bet their meeting was quite nice… a cup of tea and a taste of spotted dick.

  • I think they got that wrong, Cameron actually invited him to No.2.

  • What (or who) is the British equivalent of Santorum?

    • horsedreamer_1


    • OneDollarJuana


    • PristineODummy


  • BaldarTFlagass

    The husband of disgraced former News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks tried to ditch his laptop, phone and papers in a trash can outside their house

    Fookin' brilliant. I guess when the cops come to arrest them, they'll throw wastepaper baskets over their heads and stand real still and pretend to be floor lamps. That will definitely fool them.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Yeah, what happened to the time-honored custom of dumping evidence (and bodies) in the Thames?

    • genxr

      When they're searching his house, he will peek out from under the lamp shade. The cops shout, "There 'e is! Get 'im!" Then he puts the lampshade back on and they say, 'Where did he go? Gave us the slip. He's a crafty one, that."

  • riverside68

    bodies, arrests, resignations, laptops thrown out the nearest window

    And Wonkette leads with buttsex innuendo

    You're the best!

    • HistoriCat

      It is the Wonkette way – assfucking first!

  • JoshuaNorton

    he is old and he can’t hear things he doesn’t like.

    Not to mention that he has a smile that induces seizures in most children.

  • "The whistleblower who started this entire scandal mysteriously turned up dead."

    Has Murdoch tried to hack his cell phone yet?

    • Oh, that is nice!

    • PristineODummy

      I think Murdoch might well end up some place where "cell" is not limited to just phones.

  • As they say on Fox News, "he's got a lot of chootzpah".

    • PristineODummy

      That's choot-SPA to you, bubbe.

  • Yeah, so, I just hacked Cameron's phone and listened to a voicemail Murdoch left saying how much he wishes he were one of Cameron's hemorrhoidal suppositories so he could always be inside his "love canal". Weird stuff.

    • Weenus299

      Wait, how is it that we know about Billo's Loofa and Falafel adventure?

  • freakishlywrong

    This goblin gave us Hannity, Billo, Beck and 8 years of Bush. Death Penalty.

    • Weenus299

      But the Simpsons, Family Guy, and SUPER FUCKING NFL COVERAGE! So shit.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Glee, also. Oh, wait.

      • genxr

        He overpaid for the NFL rights.

        • Weenus299

          That and he should have personally killed Tim McCarver before the first FOX-covered baseball game. But he didn't = Pure Evil.

      • SorosBot

        A crime like inflicting the fucking Family Guy on the nation is worthy of the guillotine.

        • Weenus299

          No, American Dad. No, the Cleveland Show. No, Bob's Burgers. …

          • elviouslyqueer

            American Idol alone deserves a 10,000-volt jolt to the genitals. No, I take that back. Two jolts, in case the first one doesn't work.

          • freakishlywrong

            Agghhh! Thank you. Fuck I HATE that show.

          • GOPCrusher

            Agreed. There are far worse crimes against humanity on Fox, then Family Guy.

        • Ansnarkist


          Sorry about the caps-lock. I am still very passionate about this show that I never watched until years after it was cancelled.

      • AJWjr.

        But their coverage of Formula 1 sucks ass.

        • GOPCrusher


          • AJWjr.

            I'm sure it's that occasional right turn that throws them off their game.

    • And should follow the traditional British practice of hanged, drawn, and quartered.

      • elviouslyqueer
      • PristineODummy

        I think they get drawn and quartered *before* the hanging. More, um, er, live entertainment that way. Not for long, but definitely louder.

    • Beck alone is enough to damage all the good things put together.
      And while we're at it…
      …thanks to the Murdoch "empire" for lowering the debate is in this country, paving the way and giving a platform to Sarah, Glenn, Sean, Bill, Michele, etc. (I could go on and on, but I'm getting nauseous.)

  • SorosBot

    Man, I'd like to have James Murdoch's job. He makes a ton of money for being in charge of a portion of a vast news empire, but apparently doesn't have to do any work since he doesn't even know what any his underlings are doing.

    Meanwhile, not only is NewsCorp going down in the UK, they just might take Cameron with them, which would be fun to see.

  • BaldarTFlagass


    The new "Henngh?" has finally arrived!!

    • PristineODummy

      And to think! "Henngh?" had barely achieved universal adoption before being ousted.

  • Goonemeritus

    The nice thing about the downfall of ruthless people is their past sins are visited on them with a cheery enthusiasm. Think Mussolini, Ceausescu or Martha Stewart.

  • Weenus299

    I can't watch the hearings, and I'm not very interested to see how a weasel will beat the odds and keep his damned empire or whatever. I do wish this song and dance would end up with him stripping down and taking a big shit on the table in front of him.

    • Keep his empire? These lying sacks of shit will be the most hated people in Britain by morning. And they just made the job of their fawning apologists that much harder. I'm stunned Rupert didn't go the Mubarak route and feign sickness.

  • mavenmaven

    Rupert Murdoch? That's not news Merkans want to hear about. Here is the BIG NEWS for today that Merkans can relate to:

  • RodneyBadger

    How come this story doesn't contain the word "buttsex"? This is still Wonkette, right? Show a little respect for those that came before Kirsten. If you had any decency you would change the headline to "Murdoch to Parliment: I have Buttsex with David Cameron."

    • prommie

      O tempore, O mores. The word proper term is "assfucking."

      • PristineODummy

        Not "bunghole-jumping"?

  • DashboardBuddha

    David Cameron = Goatse

    (damn…that's twice in two weeks I've used Goatse.)

    • Gleem_McShineys

      "used Goatse"

      And he didn't even notice!

      • PristineODummy

        You wouldn't either, if you could stretch that wide.

  • Mahousu

    Mr Brooks’s spokesman denied the bag belonged to Mrs Brooks. ‘Charlie has a bag which contains a laptop and papers which were private to him,’ he said. ‘They were nothing to do with Rebekah or the [phone-hacking] case.’

    In other words, his porn stash.

    • Oblios_Cap

      You've seen Rebekah, haven't you?

  • MissTaken

    Well thanks to the Wonkette Photography Collection, we do know that Cameron always has Cocks on the brain

  • MissTaken

    The thought of Rupert getting in anyone's back (or front for that matter) door has caused my lady bits to completely clamp shut. Thanks.

    • SorosBot

      Hey, it causes my manparts to shrink and retreat too; it's not a pleasant image for anybody.

      • MissTaken

        I'm glad someone is sharing my pain

    • PristineODummy

      Trust me on this: ladybits ain't the only ones clamping at that news.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Rupert ain't gonna take this sitting down.

  • We know Downfister luuuves Rupie's backdoor.

  • Neilist_Returns

    No sex, please! We're British!

    • nounverb911

      I saw that show in London in 1976.

    • PubOption

      Not exactly, the 'News of the World' was commonly known as 'News of the Screws'.

  • fuflans

    how's this going over on fox?

    • Tumbleweeds… and denial.

    • SorosBot

      Remember the "LEAVE BRITTANY ALONE !!" kid? Like that.

    • El Pinche

      They're still whining about cheezburgergate.

    • FNMA

      How's what going over on where?

  • arihaya

    btw reading Faux News drones defending Murdoch in Politico is like reading a modern adaptation of 1984

    something like this:
    Party: Tea Party

    Mr. Murdoch is a great and honest man. If the Socialists (aka dems) in this country and elsewhere think they are going to bring this man down they are living in fantasy land.

    • freakishlywrong

      It is because of Murdoch we have fellow citizens referring to, ( aka dems), in such disparaging terms. And they shoot us also. Thanks Rupie

    • fuflans

      the murdoch's are doing a bang up job of bringing themselves down. no socialists needed.

  • Taking a page from the book of BaldarTFlagass above: The husband of disgraced former News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks tried to ditch his laptop, phone and papers in a trash can outside their house.

    Can't anyone do anything right anymore? No wonder the Murdoch's are in trouble with incompetent lackeys such as this.

    It is shameful to think that England, which produced such notables as the Kray twins and Charles Peace, has sunk to such a level among its criminal classes.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Another Guy ("Guido") Fawkes is what they need!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It is shameful to think that England, which produced such notables as the Kray twins and Charles Peace, has sunk to such a level among its criminal classes.

      Yeah, their shit has sure gone downhill since the days of the Lavender Hill Mob, Harold Shand, and Charlie Croker ("You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!")

  • CapeClod

    I bet this ends with Murdoch trying to make his escape on his stealth battle cruiser.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Ho ho ho!

    According to the BBC just now: 1655: Rupert Murdoch appears to have been attacked by somebody in the public gallery.

    • Yep, custard pie, apparently. First or only most recent time a man has messily gotten white stuff all over Rupert's face? Who knows.

      And Stephen Fry tweets: "Wendy Murdoch bitchslaps assailant. My." Haha.

    • Nothing trivial, I hope.

  • Callyson

    And I love how the Brookses blamed a housecleaner for putting the computer in the trash can. So hard to get good help these days…

    • Rule number one of the Murdoch Book of Assholery: there is always at least one person between you and accountability.

  • Come here a minute

    You'd think he could buy himself a decent first name.

  • jdoleman

    Breaking, Protester tries to custard pie Murdoch, attack foiled by his beautiful, but deadly, female bodyguard.

    • jakegittes

      Judo Chop.

    • Bitch gotta protect her investment… I mean, her man.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Rupert must have really slathered on the Hai Karate this morning, got her juices flowing.

      • PristineODummy

        I don't think Wendi Deng married Rupie for *any* reason even remotely involving juices – unless that's code for "huge fucking gobs of money," that is.

  • Oblios_Cap

    1701: James Murdoch looked shocked that security staff had failed to protect his father properly, Nick Robinson says.
    1701: Nick Robinson says Rupert Murdoch's wife was "up like a shot" to defend her husband.
    1659: BBC political editor Nick Robinson says Rupert Murdoch was apparently hit in the face with a plate of shaving foam by a man shouting: "Greedy."

    too bad it wasn't a plate of sick.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Everybody is having backdoor sex. Murdoch is a conservative and doesn't think the evil gheys should live.

    I blame the Negroes

  • hollywooddood


  • jdoleman

    Murdoch attacked with foam pie, like all good modern demonstrators culprit tweeted his intentions!/JonnieMarbles

  • At last!
    Yay, Wonkette!
    Hooray for buttsecks!

    (Too bad Rupert is so old, he won't suffer for very long.)

  • DangerHelvetica

    Why is everyone picking on Murdoch after he got hacked?!

  • V572 Hair of Destiny

    Hey downfister — what is it you like about Murdoch, exactly?

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Rear entry enthusiasts of a feather fist together.

  • freakishlywrong

    It appears he is as beloved over there as he is over here!

  • jakegittes

    Sorry if this has already been said, but Olbermann points out that there is a resemblance between James and Ruprecht Murdoch and Smithers and Mr. Burns.

  • Beetagger

    Wait…. are you saying the Jews didn't do 911?

  • proudgrampa


    (Thanks, Baldar!)

  • mercianomad

    Who will be their Ollie North?

    And I hope the cream tosser read this Matt Taibbi eXile article when he was preparing his plate for Rupert. –>

    • PristineODummy

      Jezus. I've been looking for that article for years. Will go nicely with the rest of my Indonesian political history reading this summer. thanks.

  • DemonicRage

    Why is anyone surprised at all this? Wasn't it over a decade ago when someone caught Prince Charles on his phone saying he wished he could be Camilla's tampon? And this guy is next in line to be King.

  • DustBowlBlues

    I don't have time to take part in this but the teevee is on CNN and g**dammit, is that woman wearing a wig, or what? Maybe she's going for the Pre-Raphaelite look, but the effect she's getting is more like someone out of a painting by Edvard Munch.

  • Shhhh, everyone be quiet! Witchy-Poo is a testifyin'.

  • So is Rebekah Brooks the Ultimate Evil Ginger?

    • DashboardBuddha

      and CarrotTops love child.

    • freakishlywrong

      There's a joke in here about drapes and carpets.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Let's just say, over at Gawker, Jim Newell is conflicted about how to write about her transgressions.

    • FakaktaSouth

      I never thought I would say this, but dang, I might could work for THIS version of the woman who was able to rise to the top of Rupert's evil clan. It was by being demur and sweet and "really just nawt knowing" a THING that was going on, much less the people that worked for her. She ain't paying attention to NOTHING at work. That's a boss I could get behind.

    • PrimlyStable

      She was the inspiration for Sideshow Bob.

  • Fossilized horndog with the trophy Asian sex slave and his unctuous brown-nosing lying shitheel power bottom son. They did their company a world of hurt today.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I hate to be uncharitable, but Rebekah, darling, you used to be a huge fucking bigwig in London media circles. Bless your heart, but you couldn't afford a decent facialist?

  • HarryButtle

    “Ashley Greene gets creampie” is a video I want to see. “Rupert Murdoch gets creampie” is an image that will haunt my nightmares forever. Also.

  • benjo765

    the News of the World headline that would of been:



  • Nostrildamus

    When life offers you lemons, have a Lemon Party!

  • DahBoner

    Rupert Murdoch is getting so tired of what other people are saying about him, he's stopped listening in.


  • ttommyunger

    …And you just KNOW he never once offered Cameron a reach-around.

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