Oklahoma Gov. Now Favors Rick Perry’s ‘Tell God To Fix It’ Crisis Policy

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

flaming ray guns of death raining everywhere on sad wingnutzLately God has been shooting firestorms at the wingnuts in the American South like a furious undersexed teenager holding a paintball gun, something that has left wingnuts a little confused. Republican governors are the most mystified of all about this turn of events, because they are being asked to show something called “leadership in times of crisis,” which they have always put in the “God’s job” column of their state task lists. Republicans handle election campaigns and tax cuts and Kochsucking, that is what is on their list. But to make this clearer, Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin is the latest GOP governor to join Rick Perry in formally asking God “what the hell?”  Fallin has a declared a public day of prayer on Sunday saying, “do a rain dance everybody.” Oh hey, Rick Perry tried that, but God didn’t listen. Will God be more impressed with Oklahoma’s prayers?

Here is the statement from Gov. Fallin’s website:

“For the safety of our firefighters and our communities and the well-being of our crops and livestock, this state needs the current drought to come to an end. The power of prayer is a wonderful thing, and I would ask every Oklahoman to look to a greater power this weekend and ask for rain.”

Secretary of Agriculture Jim Reese said he appreciated the governor’s call for prayer and would be saying his own this Sunday.

“Farmers across the state are really suffering under these conditions,” Reese said. “I’m glad the governor is issuing this call to prayer, and I hope it helps deliver the rain we need soon.”

By “greater power” she means, “not the governor, just someone who has some authority to help people out of this catastrophe, which is not her.” [Governor Mary Fallin via Salon]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 337 comments }

Barb July 18, 2011 at 5:57 pm

God heard your prayer and his answer is NO!
Face it, if God answered prayers Sarah Palin would slide under a gasoline truck, tasting her own arterial spray.
What do you guys pray for?

genxr July 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I pray for world peace, and end to suffering for all creatures, and for the next CPAC convention to be smashed by a large meteor stamped with the words, "I'm God and I approved this message."

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I pray for a stunning 21-year-old blonde who coos on the Miss America stage for "world peace" — and has a 130 IQ. So far, God seems to be stumped.

genxr July 18, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Above a certain IQ, the stunning 21 year old blonde becomes smart enough to ask, "Why the fuck would I want to suck up to Donald Trump and be on the Miss America Meat Pageant?"

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2011 at 11:25 pm

That's why God is stumped. He has to start by taking out Trump … it's all part of my plan to improve the world.

BaldarTFlagass July 18, 2011 at 6:47 pm

I like your prayer. Is it against the Ten Commandments for me to steal it?

Radiotherapy® July 18, 2011 at 6:13 pm

I pray that I never have to sit thru another prayer.

Barb July 18, 2011 at 6:22 pm

You remind me of my friend. He doesn't pray anymore either after getting burned with that 10 inch pianist.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 1:30 am

God is old, and hard of hearing.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 18, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I'm praying for really cold beer. A good beer, not that Lite crap.

BaldarTFlagass July 18, 2011 at 6:37 pm

I had three different friends come by for a visit this weekend. They each brought their own beer, and left me with what they didn't drink. So, three Bud Lites, two Miller Lites, and four Coors Lights. I need to get me some different friends.

WhatTheHeck July 18, 2011 at 7:08 pm

With friends like those, you don't have a prayer of ever drinking a good beer.
I'll pray with you brother that god will send you someone who knows hops, malt and some other tasty ingredients.

Steverino247 July 18, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Learn German, my friend.

BaldarTFlagass July 18, 2011 at 7:54 pm

I did. In French.

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 9:30 am

Aufenthalt durstig, meine Freunde.

user-of-owls July 18, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Friends don't let friends drink Lite.

This Public Service Announcement brought to you by the Ad Council and the Notre-Dame de Scourmont Abbey.

BerkeleyBear July 18, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Pray to move to Portland, then, because lo, I have been transported to Beervana. Even the local Kroger chain has a ton of microbrews, trappist ales and German double and triples. Typical bars may have 1 light beer available, but it is next to 15 or more better options.

Of course, all the brewers here now seem to want to open distilleries, so watch, in 5-10 years it'll all be pisswater again.

fuflans July 19, 2011 at 1:47 am

man i spent three MISERABLE months in portland in 2009 but DAMN those grocery stores and the liquor selection!!!!

cheers! to a great city with great booze and restaurants and i can't wait to come back when i'm not being ridden by assholes.

4TheTurnstiles July 18, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Sam Kinison taking rebirth as a kitten, so I can adopt him and let him scream at me for years on end.

BerkeleyBear July 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Sam always struck me as more of a heavyset bulldog who always barks at everyone and everything, but really loves a good bellyrub.

riverside68 July 18, 2011 at 6:43 pm

I prayed for immorality thinking it was immortality

Is our children learning?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2011 at 11:27 pm

If you get only one or the other … that's a tough choice.

SarahsBush July 18, 2011 at 7:13 pm

I pray that God would just come down and say, "Leave me the fuck alone! You ever heard of Lucifer? Yeah, try dealing with THAT guy on a daily basis. I gots my own problems."

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2011 at 11:35 pm

If you think that's hard, try dealing with Eric Cantor! The guy was a total douche when we were negotiating the sale of his soul.
Two words for you, Eric: special place.

Swampgas_Man July 19, 2011 at 8:41 am

Is that like the "don't touch me there" place? Cuz Cantor seems to have a LOT of experience w/ that.

Lascauxcaveman July 18, 2011 at 7:39 pm

I pray for one inch of rain to fall on the garden of Dustbowlblues every other day until the end of September, and also the gardens of her more liberal minded brethren at the Poduncksville, OK Methodist Church.

But don't bother with their Republican neighbors, God, let the free market take of their needs.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 18, 2011 at 7:42 pm

I'm still praying that the nude photos Barb promised me show up. I'm having as much luck as Rick Perry.

Either God is unjust, or Barb really is just a computer program. I'm split on which is the more likely.

Barb July 18, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I thought I sent those.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 18, 2011 at 8:16 pm

I assume you did. That is why I'm blaming God.

HistoriCat July 18, 2011 at 10:56 pm

You would think God didn't need nude photos. This is a serious theological issue. I need more alcohol before further pondering.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Uh-oh … tweeted 'em to the wrong address, did you?

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I thought everyone realized god was the meanest bitch ever after he told both Miche1le BatShitKrayZMann and Rick Perry he wanted them to get in the race.

zhubajie July 18, 2011 at 7:56 pm

More sex partners!

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 18, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Better Sex Partners!

Swampgas_Man July 19, 2011 at 8:41 am

ANY sex partners (*sob*)

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Gender? Age? Previous gender? Any disqualifiers at all?

orygoon July 18, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Seriously? I learned ever so much from the longtime head of the tiny, seat-of-the-pants (that means no money) Episcopal day school that my kids went to in Texas. Her husband had MS and she "retired" (she came back after he died, thank–well, thank goodness), but we had a head for two years who was all evangelical, and she got waaay to preachy about Jeebus. I mean, we had lots of non-Christian kids who were there for the schooling, but their families had always been okay with–get this, DAILY–chapel. But this lady was icky. I griped to the former/future head, and she shook her head and said sadly "that's what you get when you don't stick to the prayer book", i.e., the Book of Common Prayer. She's sooo right. Stick to Thomas Cranmer, and you'll be okay, you'll keep it dignified, and you'll learn some damn fine English. And you won't run off the Jews and the Muslins and the Chinese, also, too.

SpurningBeer July 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I'm with you, Goon. Those are the folks that gave us Shakespeare.

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:02 pm

I pray for my grandchilluns to live at least as long as I do so I'll have some actual reason to get out of bed every morning while I inhabit this mortal coil, or whatever it was that that Sheik Spear feller called it.

That, and that when I drill in my backyard, I strike beer.

mourningnmerica July 18, 2011 at 10:52 pm

I pray that Herman "Crazy Bread" Cain gets the nomination.

Swampgas_Man July 19, 2011 at 8:43 am

Silly me, all I've been praying for is a jerb.

BarryOPotter July 19, 2011 at 10:47 am

I pray to be the reader of more gems such as …tasting her own arterial spray.

Holy shit! If JK Rowling reads that, she's going to think a little less of her own wordsmithery, then dispatch a non-muggle hit squad to deal with the "Barb situation."

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Me, I wake up every day praying that the entire fucking Republican party will mysteriously disappear and no one will notice or care. And also that I win about elebenty gazillion dollars so I can sit on my ass and hang out with the truly demented people I have found on this lovely site, and their ilk elsewhere.

nounverb911 July 18, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Does God believe in global warming?

Geminisunmars July 18, 2011 at 6:21 pm

No. Just climate change.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:28 pm

I think. Goodness knows all His creatures (except the hoominz) have been complaining mightily en route to extinction.

Callyson July 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Oh, I'm praying…
Please, God, please…please get these wingnuts out of office. At least some of them…

genxr July 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Bunch of superstitious dumbfucks. That's all the snark I got.

V572 der Plaatz July 18, 2011 at 6:05 pm

"Superstitious dumbfucks" are the indigenous species of Oklahoma and Texas. Respect their culture, and learn to square-dance.

emmelemm July 18, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Now that's how you snark! Good one.

V572 der Plaatz July 18, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Thank you, emmelemm! I do what I can.

BaldarTFlagass July 18, 2011 at 6:43 pm

You neglected to mention the two-step (cuz that's as high as they can count) and line-dancing (because idiocy is so much better when it's synchronized.)

genxr July 18, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Conformity in dancing is the best kind of conformity!

BerkeleyBear July 18, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Hey, now – square dancing isn't just for Okies, and Texas is more of a two step crowd.

(Grew up with Midwestern transplant parents who alternated bowling and square dancing in Southern California).

Buckminster July 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm

It's God's will that Oklahoma fries!

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2011 at 6:24 pm

It's the GOP's will that freedom fries.

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:06 pm

I'm coming back tomorrow to see if I can upfist that one again, like I sometimes can.

nounverb911 July 18, 2011 at 6:00 pm

"I would ask every Oklahoman to look to a greater power this weekend and ask for rain.”
Why don't you ask the Native Americans that used to live in OK to perform a rain dance for you?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Hah … imagine what they's actually dance for!

user-of-owls July 18, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Alas, in too many places the answer would be a 40 of Olde Bull.

BerkeleyBear July 18, 2011 at 8:28 pm

There are still plenty of natives in OK. I'm sure they'll get right on it after their shift at the pai-gow tables is up.

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:07 pm

I'm sure they'd be willing to do it, Sooner or later.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:18 am

You've got it backward. Other states used to have Indian and they all got sent here. Sadly, userowl got it right about the 40 of Olde Bull. I'm not sure what that is, but I assume alcohol. I've never actually gotten out and checked the trash pile the local Indian Nation leaves when they "49" at a particular spot on a country road.

The 15 people we're feeding and housing are here from Texas to do a short-term mission building project on the Indian Methodist Church. So it's not like we don't give their church money. The new preacher is Creek, which is one of the big tribes, so it seems he has it a little more together but, lordy, no one can go on and on and talk and debate and preach as endlessly as an Indian.

I'm tired tonight and feeling cynical. It doesn't show, does it?

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 9:33 am

Looks like the Sonics brought a little bit of Northern Exposure* with them when they became the Thunder.

*Took place in Alaska, filmed in Washington State. Still, closer to real than that Sarah Palin series.

Come to think of it, why don't the Okies steal rain from the Emerald City, too? Clay Bennett can't get it on a plane, or something?

elviouslyqueer July 18, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Well, obviously this worked so well for Texas that… oh, wait.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Proof? Ha! What is this proof of which you speak? We laugh at your silly proof! We take our trousers down and laugh and laugh, pointing our bums your way.

metamarcisf July 18, 2011 at 6:02 pm

The voters of Oklahoma might have better luck passing a constitutional amendment to ban drought. Which is how they handled the problem of Sharia Law before that lesbian judge with the bad haircut put a stay on it. Thanks to her, hundreds of teenage boys have had their right hands cut off for rubbing one out in the boys room between classes.

MLHencken July 18, 2011 at 7:30 pm

What are they supposed to do with their spare time? Study?

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Only hundreds? I'm doubting this story.

V572 der Plaatz July 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

So when Dust Bowl II happens, and the few remaining "family farms" in Oklahoma and Texas have withered and blown away, will the remaining citizens of these states think: "We tried prayer, and it failed. Perhaps our belief in a benevolent external higher power was mistaken, and should be reconsidered, even though he did kill a bunch of Jews in accordance with our wishes."

When I was back there in seminary school….

metamarcisf July 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Petition the Lord with Prayer? Now there's an idea…

ShaveTheWhales July 18, 2011 at 6:23 pm

You CANNOT petition the Lord with prayer!

Geminisunmars July 18, 2011 at 6:23 pm

But can they get enough legitimate signatures in time?

V572 der Plaatz July 18, 2011 at 6:35 pm

If He wills it, yes.

neiltheblaze July 18, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Nah, they'll just blame gay marriage.

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 9:36 am

No, Shariah Law. Look at the Islamic world. Arabian Peninsula? Desert. North Africa? The World's Largest Desert, & getting larger, the Sahara. Pakistan & Afghanistan don't get much rain either.

(Granted, India has a substantial Muslim population, & has its monsoons. & Bangladesh, of course. & we cannot forget the Indonesian tsunami. But, come on… Islamic Law causes evapouration.)

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:35 pm

I like your idea. Does the population increase, stay the same, or decrease as a result of all the desertification? Because, you know, 1 billion MooseLumps, I'm just sayin'.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:20 am

It never occurs to them that God has spoken: only the red states are frying. Coincidence?

V572 Hair of Destiny July 19, 2011 at 8:00 am

Hope you’re doing okay in the heat.

genxr July 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Maybe the governor's daughter could do a little rain dance. Would that help?

Pragmatist2 July 18, 2011 at 6:16 pm

I've got a pole she can use

SexySmurf July 18, 2011 at 6:23 pm

God's a total baller. He'll definitely "make it rain".

MLHencken July 18, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Get thee to the Champagne room.

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 1:55 am

But, God's rule is the same as our own: no sex in the champagne room.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 2:46 am

But don't we want him to pop his cork?

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Well, good Hindus know that mushrooms arise from Brahma's sperm* alighting upon the sacred body of Mother Earth. That's why you get high eating them.

(God is into bukkake. Who knew?)

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I think the Rethuglicans are more into reign dances.

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 1:55 am

If she does a little dance, I think that I could make it rain.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Depends. Clothes, or no?

elviouslyqueer July 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Maybe God will look more favorably on Oklahoma if Christina Fallin-Bacon does a lovely pole dance.

OkieDokieDog July 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Now you know why I was so… disgusted this AM. I'd already read this crap. Yeah, this worked so well for Texas.

Stupid Xtian Conservatives in my state voted for Mattress Mary because she is a Xtian Conservative.

trampndirtdown July 18, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Why the moniker Mattress Mary?

OkieDokieDog July 19, 2011 at 12:02 am

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/10/29/798480/-

Of course this wasn't mentioned when she ran for Gov. She's a good Christian Conservative and said NObamaCare – that's all it takes to get elected in OkHELLoma.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:22 am

Yay! Someone else calls her Mattress Mary. Aka Betty Boop. I wasn't paying attention when that shit happened. Do you know whether she dumped hubby and married the bodyguard she was fucking?

OkieDokieDog July 19, 2011 at 9:31 am

Oh she dumped the hubby alright, but didn't marry the patrolman (and I'm pretty sure that marriage broke up too). She married an attorney. Good thing she'd had her tubes tied or was on birth control pills, or she'd have a whole bunch of babies with different daddies.

jjdaddyo July 18, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I drove through OK this week and it was 105 degrees. I don't think they need to pray to Jeebus, I think they need to be sacrificing virgins to Beelzebub.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Now you're talking!

riverside68 July 18, 2011 at 6:49 pm

They goona have to import them virgins from the blue states, just like they do with the federal tax dollars: "Oh God please send us some virgins with teh northern cash, we promise to kill them as soon as they get here, hopefully before they get preggers"

Maybe that's the problem: to many preggers teens and pay-per-view porn (too stoopid to find on the tubes).

SorosBot July 18, 2011 at 7:12 pm

And Comic-Con is coming up in San Diego next weekend. Look out, nerds, a bunch of rednecks may be coming out to kidnap you.

Barrelhse July 18, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Jesus- you drove through Oklahoma? Instead of going around it?

BerkeleyBear July 18, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Dancing boys for Pele! On the double!

Plus, if it worked, I assume the cognitive dissonance of having to be grateful to openly gay samba dancers would destroy the evangelicals, leaving the few remaining Okie progressives to clean up the pieces.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:23 am

Must it be a virgin? Cuz' I'm thinking that Mattress Mary's slut daughter would be the perfect choice.

nounverb911 July 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Needs more Chutzpah!

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 1:57 am

Silly, you spelled it all wrong-like. The correct spelling is "Chootspa".

Rarian Rakista July 18, 2011 at 6:08 pm

We should have a Wonkette day of prayer that the drought continues. If the drought does not abate by a certain date, we will declare a new god and religion based on the holy snark.

Timofmars July 18, 2011 at 7:40 pm

The first letter from the prophet Rarian to the internets.

*Makes the sign of the holy snark*

Amen.

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:16 pm

We'll need to find the Lost Snark of the Covenant firstly.

HistoriCat July 18, 2011 at 11:03 pm

We have top men studying it.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:24 am

NO! I'm watching my orchard fry and losing perennials no matter how much I water–drip only, btw. To save on the well.

SheriffRoscoe July 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Because God is all "oh sure, why didn't you guys just say so!" when it comes to things like this.

hollywooddood July 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Read my lips. No new Texans.

El Pinche July 18, 2011 at 10:36 pm

HA!!..can I borrow this? I'll footnote ya.

fuflans July 19, 2011 at 1:53 am

damn wonkette late night is awesome.

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 1:58 am

you win the internets.

weejee July 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

These are the same dipshits that refuse to up their building codes to meet the demands of tornadoes, floodz, and hurricanes like the left coast did regards earthquakes. But upping the code costs real money in the area with the risk, and it is so much better to screech about big goobermint but then go the Fallin-Palin victim and start singing Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me when doG does them wrong in the weather department and they need and demand the disaster designation.

Lay yer head on the railroad tracks Gov. Lou Fallin, and start waiting for the Double E.

bumfug July 18, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I will always upfist a Zevon reference.

weejee July 18, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Gotta enjoy every sandwich.

bumfug July 18, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Keep 'em coming! I was never star-struck but one of the coolest things that ever happened was getting to open for Warren Zevon.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Totally upfisted for that.

V572 der Plaatz July 18, 2011 at 6:39 pm

You can't tell me what I can build in the sovereign nation of V572istan! If I want to build my house right on the frontier (what those socialists down at Building Department call the "property line"), and if I don't care to obey any fire codes and my house burns down and falls on your house, and your kids are burned alive, you're just not self-reliant enough.

rocktonsam July 18, 2011 at 6:10 pm

God is to busy being depressed over the USA America WOMENS Soccer FAILURE.

aFTER BEING FOOLED AGAIN BY A SURPRISE Japanese attack

BaldarTFlagass July 18, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Waitaminnit, I thought God was on OUR side when it came to meaningless sporting events. What's he doing letting those sneaky Japanese win?

trampndirtdown July 18, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Isn't it obvious that he's mad at us because of teh gay?

HistoriCat July 18, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Tornadoes are one thing but abandoning us at a sporting event is just too low, even if teh gheys are out there.

Wait, what? Soccer? Oh, who cares?
Women's soccer? Pfft never mind.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 2:53 am

But this is about Japanese women kicking our balls, in addition to our ass.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 18, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Asians pray for longer hours, with fewer benefits, than Americans do. Ever since God lowered His international prayer barriers, it's been hard to compete.

Fred_Wertham_Jr July 18, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Hate to say it, but He's just not that into you.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 18, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Greater power?

I'm afraid Exxon doesn't give a damn about your weather.

Sorry, Oklahoma.
~

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:20 pm

And Rupert Murdoch's kinda busy these days.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 1:44 am

And Koch Industries hasn't yet cornered the market on water, so their interest is pretty limited at the moment.

Rotundo_ July 18, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Off topic but: The whistle blower who ratted out Ruperts' Rag in the phone hacking dustup has managed to end up dead. A drug and alcohol user and abuser according to reports, but gosh how incredibly timely! The conspiracy nuts will have a field day with this one, a Vince Foster for the left! How many others has Rupe had done in? The Shadow (or Rupert) knows…

BlueStateLibel July 18, 2011 at 6:18 pm

I've known plenty a "drug and alcohol" abuser to live to a very ripe old age…this guy was young, and if anyone thinks he wasn't knocked off, I've got a bridge to sell them.

It's nice to see the Murdoch rock kicked over and the worms come wiggling out, too bad this guy had to die though.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Keef. He says it's because he only used the high quality heroin, though.

mavenmaven July 18, 2011 at 7:17 pm

watch your back, rotundo…

Barrelhse July 18, 2011 at 9:52 pm
horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 9:39 am

FOX News &/or News Corp. prolly had some fingers in the Deborah Jeane Palfrey "suicide" pie, too.

iburl July 18, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Dear God, please prevent me from being fired for having a porn star choking on a huge phallic cucumber on my Wonkette.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:27 am

Perhaps you could ask the brilliant citizens of my state pray for you.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 2:57 am

Dear Oklahoma, I never thought it would happen to me…

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:45 pm

As successful as they've been so far?

Pragmatist2 July 18, 2011 at 6:14 pm

God has heard their prayers and is sending them Michelle Bachmann to cure them of their woes. And while she is at it her husband will cure them of their homosexual tendencies.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Does this "cure" involve belly-rubs? I sure do love me some belly rubs.

Buzz Feedback July 18, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Jesus save me from your followers.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 18, 2011 at 9:01 pm

amen

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 2:57 am

All 12 of 'em.

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 5:08 am

Disciple Libel!

BlueStateLibel July 18, 2011 at 6:15 pm

It must be particularly confusing to them because they like to call Obama the Messiah. Or maybe that explains it.

Thurman Munster IV July 18, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Jim Casy had the right idea.

trampndirtdown July 18, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Steinbeck ftw.

Tundra Grifter July 18, 2011 at 6:16 pm

According to the newsletter written by the great Jim Hightower, while Gov. Perry's day of prayer didn't yield results, Austin saw much-needed rain the day after President Obama came to visit…

Doktor Zoom July 18, 2011 at 6:58 pm

And the babies stopped fussing, too.

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:23 pm

And unicorns farted rainbows far and wide over the land.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:46 pm

That's the Prez's other job. Baby-wrangler.

MittsHairHelmet July 18, 2011 at 6:16 pm

The ol' Rain Dance initiative. A time honored political tradition since Moctezuma used it back in 1443.

BaldarTFlagass July 18, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Nothing fails like prayer.

mourningnmerica July 18, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Amen.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 2:59 am

Nothing compares to hair. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVjqxbK7YEA

bumfug July 18, 2011 at 6:17 pm

It's obvious that God just flat spoos in his robe from all the fun he has fucking with these idiots. He tells them all to run for president then tells them loony shit to say so everyone will laugh at them. I bet he's cracking up right this minute.

BaldarTFlagass July 18, 2011 at 6:21 pm

It's like He's playing Confuse-a-Cat, but with humans.

Barrelhse July 18, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Heh. Or Whack-a-mole.

trampndirtdown July 18, 2011 at 10:11 pm

I've been to Oklahoma, it's got to be Hungry Hungry Hippos.

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Moronopoly.

mourningnmerica July 18, 2011 at 11:00 pm

If God existed, he would smite them. But he doesn't.

bumfug July 18, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Johnny Carson used to say, "Buy the premise, buy the joke." Oh, well.

Radiotherapy® July 18, 2011 at 6:18 pm

God was a big job creator, Jesus ran a small business, and the Holy Spirit was a cross-eyed college drop-out. Yet, they were One.

Goonemeritus July 18, 2011 at 6:20 pm

We are having a wonderful summer here in gay loving godless New York, go figure.

Bonzos_Bed_Time July 18, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Hedonistic Southern California has been doing right-good as well this summer. Coincidence?

lumpenprole July 19, 2011 at 4:22 pm

The homos and environmental extremists in Northern CA have enjoyed a delightful 2011.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I was going to say something about the long, wet, rainy spring, but hey, it *is* too fucking beautiful out there now, innit?

tihond July 18, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Wouldn't it be easier to just pray to Pacman Jones?

inapewetrust July 18, 2011 at 6:25 pm

i guess asking people to pray is a bit nicer than saying, "haha, fuck you losers."

Preferred Customer July 18, 2011 at 6:27 pm

It is a good thing that Oklahoma passed that law keeping Sharia out of the courts, because that is a religion that just cannot separate Church and State.

Snark aside, it is dimestore and hackneyed, but at the end of the day if you believe in a god that answers prayers you also believe in a god that doesn't answer prayers, because…why? For laughs? Just to fuck with you? Isn't believing in a cruel, indifferent world where your howls of pain carry ceaselessly into the void so much better than believing in a sometimes-malevolent spirit that could help you with no effort at all but doesn't because He doesn't like you? Comfort in prayer, my ass.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:09 am

They just fall back on the fool-proof "God's will" non-explaining explain-all explanation.

We just had an 8-year-old kidnapped, killed, and chopped to pieces in Brooklyn. NYT quoted some Hassidic guy, who said that "God wanted it to happen."

That's some God you got there, fella.

Preferred Customer July 19, 2011 at 9:18 am

Yeah, my kid heard that story and it's been on her mind. She wants to understand why someone would do something like that. She's five.

You know what probably wouldn't make her feel better about it? "Well, you see, sweetie, the little boy just didn't pray hard enough."

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Fuck me. They actually found someone to say that? May his rectum fall right off, preferably in the middle of some well-attended religious ceremony.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Children/infants/babies with life-threatening illnesses. What the fuck kind of deity needs to create life that will be destroyed only too soon in the most agonizing, brutal, unpleasant way? Where is the sense, the logic, the basic decency, dare I say it, the *humanity* in this?

Oh, irony has died a patent, blatant death indeed in a world that can argue *for* a god where children starve daily and innocents are blown to bits for merely going about the daily business of their lives in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Wouldn't it be great if it just started raining and raining and raining until all the wingnut Okees were washed down to Texas?
God? You listening?

BaldarTFlagass July 18, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Hey, be nice. We sensible Texans have enough problems as it is without a bunch of Okies thrown into the punchbowl.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 18, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Texas.
Sewage pipe of the nation.

I do rag on Texas a lot. I'll switch to Florida.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 3:05 am

You're supposed to wipe front to back. Just sayin.

V572 der Plaatz July 18, 2011 at 6:41 pm

I am indeed, but I'm not some servant at your beck and call. Enjoy your thunderbolt tonight.

Regards,
Yahweh

Monsieur_Grumpe July 18, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Not again.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 3:05 am

So how ARE the petunias?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:10 am

40 days ought to do it…

arihaya July 18, 2011 at 6:32 pm

what if the Biblical God is currently having a "Punishment to Egypt mode"?

you know sending 10 disasters to Deep South and something like that ?

Nostrildamus July 18, 2011 at 6:55 pm

So, basically, you're saying it's the gays?

zhubajie July 18, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Isn't living in the Deep South an on-going disaster?

mourningnmerica July 18, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Moar pestilence for Oklahoma and Texas. Like in "Magnolia".

Chillwaver July 18, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Friggin' Separation of Church and State…how does it work?

emmelemm July 18, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Apparently, nobody knows these days!

riverside68 July 18, 2011 at 6:55 pm

That would depend on the Church, and the State

It's a frekin rainbow of possibilities!

MissusBarry July 18, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Rainbows turn people gay.

riverside68 July 18, 2011 at 7:12 pm

That's fabulous!

V572 Hair of Destiny July 18, 2011 at 7:18 pm

A rainbow is Yahweh's promise not to flood the world again. But the fine print didn't mention drouth! That Yahweh: like a smart lawyer.

SpurningBeer July 18, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Friggin' Separation of Church and State…how does it work?

You have to use a crowbar. That's how.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:12 am

Mostly you have to use the dull end … and swing it.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 3:10 am

I just bought one of those. After a certain size it's called a Wrecking Bar. After putting on the glasses and goatee, I went full Freeman on my porch. It was beautiful.

BaldarTFlagass July 19, 2011 at 8:15 am

Cold bucket of water works on the dogs.

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 8:52 am

A crowbar is far too careful an instrument for these idiots. They use explosives.

Chillwaver July 18, 2011 at 6:36 pm

“I’m glad the governor is issuing this call to prayer, and I hope it helps deliver the rain we need soon.”

God will probably send a few dozen tornadoes instead. Too much?

fuflans July 19, 2011 at 1:57 am

no keep going

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Not for Oklahoma.

WhatTheHeck July 18, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Do a little dance,
make a little prayer,
get down tonite.

Barrelhse July 18, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Wait- I know that one..was it Frank Sinatra?

genxr July 18, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Pat Boone. He'll be singing at the Fallin wedding.

BaldarTFlagass July 18, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Well, they're certainly preying on the ignorant and the stupid.

hagajim July 18, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Maybe God is kicking their asses because they are a bunch of hypocritical pricks.

Slim_Pickins July 18, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Praying to the wrong god, perhaps? Allah Akbar!

comrad_darkness July 18, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Quetzalcoatl is not amused.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:13 am

I don't think ANY of the gods are happy with those tools right now.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 3:13 am

I dunno about that. Mjölnir is probably looking for a few heads to whack.

Judith_Priest July 19, 2011 at 9:54 am

Same god. Different marketing strategy.

ManchuCandidate July 18, 2011 at 6:49 pm

What happened? I thought RW wing nuts were the bravest of the brave not a bunch of nerdy pussies like us liebruls are.

It's just an example of moral cowardice instead of showing any leadership. Their "ideas" don't work so they're going to close their eyes and stick their heads in the sand and pray for Muscular (but not in a gay way) Sky War White Jeebus to save them instead of acting like a fucking adult, admitting mistakes, stop acting like a dogmatic jackass and trying to do something about it.

I really really really fucking hate posturing cowards in leadership roles.

Barrelhse July 18, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK).
'Nuff said.

trampndirtdown July 18, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Dear Jesus (no homo)

Judith_Priest July 19, 2011 at 9:56 am

This does sound like a lot of mewling for such a bunch of self-sufficient Wolverines.

Sue4466 July 18, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Finally, a conservative politician who's not afraid to pander to the religious right.

4TheTurnstiles July 18, 2011 at 6:53 pm

A place where even squares can have a ball.

zhubajie July 18, 2011 at 8:08 pm

When that song came out, I was assured, by natives, that there's lots of pot-smoking in Muskogee!

MissusBarry July 18, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Dear wingnuts,
If doG actually worked the way you think, I'd have been smited long ago. You might want to consider plan B. Which should not involve any big gubmint disaster relief because that's all socialist and evil. Can't come up with an awesome short-term fix, but for the longer term you may wish to reevaluate your position on climate change.
Hugs and raindrops,
MrsBarry

Doktor Zoom July 18, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I'm waiting for Herman Cain to condemn this dangerous infusion of church and state.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Needs MOAR Muslin.

OneYieldRegular July 18, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Wait – didn't we just see Failin's daughter doing this dance out in front of the Governor's mansion? If that didn't work, I don't see any reason for others to get all dolled up in their dancing shoes.

Besides, God has already sent about 1,000 climate change scientists to help out, and His efforts have been roundly ignored by Republican governors.

outragedcitizen July 19, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Maybe if Failin's daughter had flashed her tits, God might have paid attention.

Barrelhse July 18, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Here she says "if we have a lot of people praying it moves the heart of God." http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/07/17/evening

If these asswipes weren't so destructive I would pity their gullibility.
Picture the concept: a guy up there with a warm heart, just waiting for some fundy morons to ask for his help. Did it occur to them that if there was a god, and he gave a shit about them, they shouldn't have to pray in the first place? What a racket- where's RICO?
Speaking of dicklickers and deluded morons,
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0711/59194.h

Naked_Bunny July 18, 2011 at 7:23 pm

"a lot of people praying it moves the heart of God"

But I thought God had some big plan already mapped out for everyone and everything. Does that make Fallin the Mule to God's Hari Seldon?

Fukui_sanYesOta July 18, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Oooh, Asimov reference – upfist just for that!

Does God have a big plan? I get confused by that. God can't have a big plan because we're special and have free will and stuff, yet if some kid gets sideswiped and wiped out by a drunk driver, that's simply "God's will". It's all terribly inconsistent.

It seems you've got two rational choices, either
a) He's not there and never was
or
b) He's a sadistic fuck who plays with us ants like a giant kid with a magnifying glass

HistoriCat July 18, 2011 at 11:54 pm

I'm going for c) We're all constructs in the equivalent of a computer simulation and our teenage creator has grown up enough to be beyond the vengefulness of children but is still interested in the outcome of the sim.

Not that this makes any difference at all to us lowly mortals of course.

Fukui_sanYesOta July 19, 2011 at 12:13 am

I've seen the argument made that, given the progress of computer technology and its ability for simulation, isn't it more rational to believe that we're all constructs in a simulation?

Seems more plausible that doG.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 3:36 am

In the beginning there was the WORD. Then the DWORD and QWORD…

SorosBot July 19, 2011 at 9:29 am

That would explain my friend who died while swimming when all the ladders were deleted from the pool, and he had to keep swimming until he ran out of energy and drowned. Or the one who got trapped by a new set of walls until his hunger dropped completely red and he starved.

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 3:34 am

There's always the Cylon "Oh shit we have to pad out 3 more seasons" answer…

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 7:24 pm

For some reason, this brings visions of Gary Larson's nerdy kid frying ants.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 7:23 pm

I've always felt I should start a religion, you know, just to make sure I get to live a wealthy, adored, sycophant-surrounded old age.

Nostrildamus July 18, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Oooooklahoma, where the dumb fucks is prayin' for the rain
And I'll shoot my wad
At the sang-n-froid,
As the Okie crops go down the drain …

riverside68 July 18, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Suck it up Okies, this is a test: if you die of thirst without getting gay married, you won!

Please hold out, be strong in the face of temptation, remember: it is all about the next life, whatever pain you suffer dying of thirst will be rewarded later.

Trust me on this.

Veritas78 July 18, 2011 at 7:02 pm

I think God made himself pretty damn clear about what he thought of dumbasses who chose to live in deserts.

Barrelhse July 18, 2011 at 10:06 pm

As in Deuteronomy 4:20, where He says "Finish the dang fence!"

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:19 am

I thought that was in Lobotomy 5:12

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Given that deserts are fairly regularly created and destroyed (more so by humans, admittedly), I think nature makes it pretty damn clear what she thinks of dumbasses who choose to turn the beautiful world she gave them into deserts.

StarsUponThars July 18, 2011 at 7:04 pm

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why God? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'"
— Stephen King

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 7:29 pm

I always thought the reply would be more along the lines of, "Hey, when I told you you were the Chosen People, I never said FOR WHAT, did I? Schmendricks."

SarahsBush July 18, 2011 at 7:06 pm

"Lately God has been shooting firestorms at the wingnuts in the American South like a furious undersexed teenager holding a paintball gun…"

Kirsten, where have you been all my life?

Barrelhse July 18, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Put the paintball gun down and slowly back away…

mavenmaven July 18, 2011 at 7:16 pm

By “greater power” she means, “anyone just not the muslins.”

Quayle2012_KNOT July 18, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Apparently none of those freaks has thought of a creative sacrifice to bring the rains. Surely they must believe that if Michele Bachmann were staked out on the West Texas Plains, doused with lighter fluid and a pack of match-wielding homosexuals set loose it'd rain for sure! Right?

Barrelhse July 18, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I'm not sure about that, but I'm all for setting her on fire anyway.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:20 am

As a scientist, I say there's only one way to find out.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Empirical evidence or GTFO.

VinnyThePooh July 18, 2011 at 7:19 pm

"We're sorry. The Prayer Department is currently closed due to budget cuts. We regret any inconvenience."

Biel_ze_Bubba July 20, 2011 at 12:06 am

Your prayer is important to us. Please begin praying at the tone. [BEEEP]

Oh yeah – it's a 900 number.

Naked_Bunny July 18, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Calling for a day of prayer to solve a crisis by any elected politician should be considered an automatic resignation by forfeiture.

user-of-owls July 18, 2011 at 7:28 pm

“I’m glad the governor is issuing this call to prayer"

To hell with gay peens, Mary Failin, the Muezzin of Oklahoma is going to climb up the minaret in Tulsa and just cold go adhan on those Okies asses.

This is gonna be good!

ShaveTheWhales July 18, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Mattress Mary Muezzin!!!!

orygoon July 18, 2011 at 7:34 pm

If God-imploring didn't work for Janis Joplin (of Texas, mind you), what do these nobodies expect?

PubOption July 18, 2011 at 9:28 pm

A Mercedes Benz?

user-of-owls July 18, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Seems God does have a pretty smiteful gripe with all things Joplin.

Too soon?

JackObin July 18, 2011 at 7:40 pm

This god fella sure seems to love obesity. Too much manna, I suspect.

BritinSeattle July 18, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Meanwhile, here in almost totally godless Seattle, it hasn't stopped pissing it down…

user-of-owls July 18, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Need more snakes 'n tongues.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:23 am

Is that a version of chutes and ladders, only way more fun, for gays?

bagofmice July 19, 2011 at 3:46 am

I suspect a usage of owls…

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 5:11 am

Plenty of Peyote. Also.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 18, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Wait, isn't a rain dance what the heathen red man did before killing good white Christian settlers?

Maybe that is the source of your problem. That and failing to sacrifice your first born. If you are going to get biblical, you better get Old Testament if you want to impress Jehovah.

WinterOuthouse July 18, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Rain Libel

comrad_darkness July 18, 2011 at 7:54 pm

The 21st century, boys and girls, that dark time when the looniest were sought out and put in charge of things.

DaSandman July 18, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Tell the Gov of Oklahoma to have her whore daughter dance around like in the fashion shoot. That and prayer should do the trick.

Nopantsmcgee July 18, 2011 at 8:00 pm

If these people saw anyone else but Christians do this they'd accuse them of paganism or witchcraft .

Wadisay July 18, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Maybe God heard their prayer, but, with that stupid accent of theirs, thought they said, Please, Lord, send us rayon."

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:25 am

That explains the millions of polo shirts that fell on Tulsa last Thursday.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:47 am

Ditto on you being the funny one. As I said to Wadisay, I haven't had any time to spend with the wonkeratti today and haven't read many of these replies, so I wouldn't feel like too much of a comic genius.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:45 am

This is the funniest comment I'm read on the thread. Haven't read many, however, so don't be all snotty and big a fat head over it.

Wadisay July 19, 2011 at 8:50 am

I am deeply moved.

Warpde July 18, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Gov. Fallin asks,
"I would ask every Oklahoman to look to a greater power this weekend and ask for rain.”

God, in reply.
"Oklahoma? Really?
Sorry, my bad.
Being the ever seeing one I thought you meant Missouri……
Kay' I'll turn it off now…….
Peter…..Hey!!! Peter….
Where's that damn son of mine? I've arranged a date for him with Fallin's daughter."

SudsMcKenzie July 18, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Silly states, prayer only works to get rid of teh gay.

Sharkey July 18, 2011 at 8:23 pm

For fuck sake everyone is using the lord's name in vain just because Kirsten did!!

Ken Layne, do you read me.

mormos July 18, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I've never understood how instituting a day of prayer was not grossly illegal. Can someone explain this to me please?

emmelemm July 18, 2011 at 8:27 pm

IOKIYAC.

(It's OK if you're a Christian.)

user-of-owls July 18, 2011 at 8:30 pm

You won't believe this!

The Tulsa World is reporting that they have FOIAed the governor's discretionary fund budget and learned that under "Miscellaneous Expenses," there is an entry for July 24 that pre-authorizes payment of $8.8 million to "Barnstormer Eddie's Cloud-Seeding Services."

–Breaking–

ShaveTheWhales July 18, 2011 at 9:15 pm

You're right! But funny.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:29 am

Seed 'em all you like, Eddie — those clouds are careful about taking their contraprecipitation pills.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:49 am

We do it every time there's a drought. And by the way, the last drought was when Keating, that Republican dickwad-deserves-to-burn-in-hell was governor. When we had Democratic Brad Henry, we had lots of rain.

Okies never fucking get it, do they?

ttommyunger July 18, 2011 at 8:44 pm

I checked with God myself after reading about this, and She said, and I quote: "Fuck 'em!".

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Damn, gawd be talkin' dirty to you, ttommy. Shocking.

ttommyunger July 19, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Tough love! Don't believe it? Read the Old Testament. ;)

James Michael Curley July 18, 2011 at 8:55 pm

"She blowed away,
She blowed away,
My Oklahoma Gov'nor blowed away.

You know its a fact mister
She got picked up by a twister,
My Oklahoma Gov'nor blowed away."

politics_nerd July 18, 2011 at 9:24 pm

In all seriousness, I believe God is real, and I believe he has given us the gifts of Paul Ryan's kill medicare plan and the rest of the GOP suicidal behavior we have seen recently. Now it is up to *US* to act on these gifts and USE them against these scumbags. All snark aside, PLEASE GET ACTIVE. I am working with a lot of great people on facebook to take this war to the front doors of the scum in power, so they soon wont be. Look at the facebook pages of Eric Cantor, the White House, Darrell Issa, David Vitter, John Boehner, and all the rest of the SCUM in power. (The White House is where we go to scream in Obama's ear.) I truly believe that fb activism WILL make a difference in '012. Join us!

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:42 pm

I was with you, nerd, until the part about screaming in O'Bomber's ear. It would be like trying to teach a pig to sing – it would get you nowhere and only annoy the Prez.

BarackMyWorld July 18, 2011 at 10:14 pm

I don't understand how God could be influenced by prayer if He already knows the future and has a plan.

user-of-owls July 18, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Shhh! God will not look kindly on you if it becomes known that his racket is basically a mash-up of PT Barnum, Bernie Madoff and the Balloon Boy. You don't wanna be on his smitey side.

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 10:50 pm

As much as evangelical Repubs would abhor the idea, I actually see Y—-h as a big guvner's office. He's got a limited budget, with all kindz of interests fighting over it. He sendz the rain one place until peoples of great influence corner him in the hallway and convince him their place needs the rain moar than the other folks'. Their prayers are answered, and he getz a big "contribution" in return. He shuffles the rain from place to place depending on who has the loudest voice with the most influence, and those peoples can change from one day to the next. Mebbe the reason he dumps on places like Texas and Oklahoma is because he sees their guvners trying to horn in on his racket.

trampndirtdown July 18, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Where's that fuckin douchebag Inhoffe and his igloo now?

alaninthecastro July 18, 2011 at 10:44 pm

When Republicans get through demolishing the government, we'll all have nothing left to do but pray.

smitallica July 18, 2011 at 10:55 pm

These are people of the land. Simple farmers. The common clay of the new west. You know…morons.

For the wingnut jesus freaks, one snowstorm in winter disproves all climate change science. But the fact that the governor of the state directly to the south of them prayed for rain and it got hotter and drier does not disprove prayer.

Fukui_sanYesOta July 18, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Facts and faith are not happy bedfellows, even though that's not a same-sex bed.

I do feel sorry for the individual farmers, but as a voting bloc I'm of the mind to think "fuck the lot of you"

DahBoner July 18, 2011 at 11:10 pm

You can't call it a drought if it's permanent …

Barrelhse July 19, 2011 at 12:56 am

Especially when it's a Permanent Wave…….(groan)

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 9:44 am

Oklahoma to be re-branded North Atacama.

ThundercatHo July 18, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Perhaps our little dust mote is about to be dropped in the gigantic pot of boiling oil. We are here, we are here, WE ARE HERE!

Warpde July 18, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Interestin­g.
We will see.
Breaking news.
http://thi­nkprogress­.org/media­/2011/07/1­8/272379/m­urdoch-con­siders-ste­pping-down­/

flamingpdog July 18, 2011 at 11:58 pm

I'd be moar excited if he was considering stepping off the observation deck at the Empire State Building.

Warpde July 19, 2011 at 12:35 am

I hear you Bro.
But he has a hard enough time getting off the couch.
Let alone climbing a fence.
Unless we gave him a legs up :)

Sparky_McGruff July 19, 2011 at 12:07 am

I predict God will answer their prayers with cool weather and refreshing rains. In mid November.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:32 am

2012?

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:51 am

Nah. Last winter was bone dry except for a couple of horrible cold periods with snow. I hate this fucking drought and god awful heat and the bitch governor.

FlownOver July 19, 2011 at 1:10 am

Whenever it happens, Rick Perry will claim credit

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 7:50 pm

All the way through the following November.

glamourdammerung July 19, 2011 at 12:16 am

I kind of thought this was the "Dustbowl" saying "hey, about that 'myth' of anthropomorphic climate change…".

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 12:18 am

Still would be, if it weren't for that dadgum big guvmint socialiist regulation thing, the FDA.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:36 am

Ahem. I'm reading these, you know. And truly, I picked the best screen name for the current days. I'm blue in the DustBowl. Oh, I just realized I was using blue in a political sense as well as a Woody Gutherie sense. I am so smart.

Here I am, cooking for 15 fucking Texans up here to do good work on the Indian Methodist church, cleaning up and washing towels and working myself next to death, clearly on the fast track to heaven, and this slutty bitch governor plays the Xian card on ME? Seriously, Mattress Mary Betty Boop Failin? Since I'm clearly the real Xian in any contest between me and these asswipe Republitard guvs given how hard I'm working and how tired I am, (not to mention faling over some kid's suitcase in the B&B today–that I'm giving them for free, with food–and fucking up my thumb when I used my hand to break my fall and god know what-all. I'm probably also internal bleeding and don't know it because I'm too fucking tired), all for doing a good deed

Where was I? (I told you I was tired). So, as I said yesterday, since I'm clearly going to be Raptured up in October for being such a good Xian, I'm going to make a case for the wonkeratti to join me and avoid the Apocalypse but these phony-ass Xians are on their own. I'll just be like Pirate Jenny and say "Right now" and help kick their asses back to whatever bad place there is to be. Maybe the being the on non-Jehovah's Witness in a country populated only by Jehovah's Witnesses. That would be hell.

Callyson July 19, 2011 at 12:47 am

(Slightly but not really off topic…)
Although, in fairness to the governor, she might think that if God can pull this miracle off, He can do anything…
"…the Pittsburgh Pirates moved into first place in the crowded NL Central" http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/recap;_ylt=AneoR2.dta
Also: GO BUCS!

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Wow … I'm sure that took all of His attention and energy. No wonder He's not taking calls from Perry and Failin'.

DustBowlBlues July 19, 2011 at 12:56 am

My last comment, before I take my tired self to bed. I have a funny feeling that the Somalians have beaten us to the punch on this praying for rain business.

God has answered: you're fucking up the nice atmosphere I gifted on you, you idiots. Be kinder to the world I created and it will be kinder to you.

But that would be an actual Christian way of looking at this climate disaster, and these phony ass Republithugs wouldn't recognize Jesus if he kicked them in the ass while yeling, "I said take care of the poor and needy, you asswipes."

Chet Kincaid July 19, 2011 at 1:29 am

Insert some snide asides about Orgone, cloudbusting and Kate Bush which I have looked up but don't have time to make entertaining, here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRHA9W-zExQ
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cloudbuster
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgone

EDIT: OK, OK, I got one! I proclaim a national day of fapping with the aim of making it rain in OK! Whip it out and salute to the S/SW at 9 pm Central Tuesday night. Or, you know, whichever direction is appropriate for your orientation.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Um … all of them, Katie?

Srsly, if everyone in the whole damn nation would masturbate at exactly the same moment, we could probably move the earth right off its axis and, who knows, maybe even get a little rain.

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 1:46 am

Come on, you guys. It's Coke! Fucking coke! Koch-snorting, not koch-sucking. I know the only thing you can't resist is temptation, but try.

But, back on subject, why haven't these states yet bit the bullet and just went all out and created an official Department of Prayer/God/Christianity? It's not like they care about the Constitution to begin with, so they wouldn't care if this was constitutional or not.

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 2:24 am

Looks like Sharia Law hasn't been stomped out quite yet, apparently. Mary just straight-up issued a call to prayer. Her dastardly plan for the Caliphate of Al-Klahoma is nearly complete…bwahahahah…hahahahaha….

Poindexter718 July 19, 2011 at 8:30 am

God only has so much rain to give and Texas & Oklahoma have put him in a very awkward position. I would not be at all surprised if He threw up His hands and gave it all to the goddless hippies in Seattle just to spite the Southwest.
Iz how He rolls sometimes.

Negropolis July 19, 2011 at 9:02 am

God's a little busy, right now, trying to broker the NFL lockout, and all. But, I hear that Satan's available and looking to make a deal, if anyone's interested…

I hear he drives a hard bargain, but it can't be any more difficult than negotiating with Republicans.

HistoriCat July 19, 2011 at 9:27 am

I suddenly have a used car lot vibe.

Satan – OK, I'll take your soul in exchange for rain, a bigger penis and a sports car. Just let me check with my manager
(behind the scenes)
Hey God – you'll never believe what this idiot agreed to! Ask for more? Like what? You don't really think they'll go for that do you? Oh, OK – you're the boss.
(returns)
Sorry but I'm going to also need a virgin sacrifice and I DON'T mean some pimply nerd boy!

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Pretty close, HC … but there is no manager. I just stand there snorting, and go back out when I can keep a straight face on.

Then we send rain until the Mississippi goes 20 feet over its banks, for the lulz.

PristineODummy July 19, 2011 at 7:55 pm

I always knew it was YOU operating that little "God" marionette, Biely.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 20, 2011 at 12:13 am

PAY NO ATTENTION to the man behind the curtain!

Slim_Pickins July 19, 2011 at 9:56 am

Is there really a Global Warming Denial Conference in Norman this weekend hosted by Sen. Inhofe?

Irwin_Mainway July 19, 2011 at 10:27 am

A Texan ain't nothing but a Mexican on the way to Oklahoma.

not that Dewey July 19, 2011 at 10:40 am

Is snake oil a leading or lagging economic indicator? Because if it's leading, we're in for some good times soon!

outragedcitizen July 19, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Unlike these Southern redneck idiots, God HAS heard of the separation of Church and State so he is just cold ignoring their dumb asses.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 3:45 pm

"Render unto Ceasar, yadda yadda."

Of course, the frickin' baggers don't want to do that, either…

lumpenprole July 19, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Someone once said to me that "The Lord only gives you what you can handle." I didn't understand at all what that meant at the time. But, now…

lochnessmonster July 19, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Do they accept Muslin prayers for rain too or is it only the Christian prayers she. Thinks will be heard?

Slim_Pickins July 19, 2011 at 6:34 pm

A virgin sacrifice might work, but not if its her daughter or that revirginized Palin girl.

Steverino247 July 18, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Gotta love The War Prayer.

zhubajie July 18, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Of course they don't read Job! They keep a Bible on their coffee table for good luck, but never open it!

HistoriCat July 19, 2011 at 9:05 am

Forget the Rapture. We're all just waiting for ‪Game Over Man, GAME OVER!

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 9:38 am

God does it thru the Holy Spirit, so, no worries.

horsedreamer_1 July 19, 2011 at 9:42 am

I'm not opening that at work, but I'm really hoping it's the Dillinger Escape Plan track with Mike Patton on vocals.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Yeah, right … that's what he told Mary.

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