supernatural policy initiatives are all the rage

Oklahoma Gov. Now Favors Rick Perry’s ‘Tell God To Fix It’ Crisis Policy

flaming ray guns of death raining everywhere on sad wingnutzLately God has been shooting firestorms at the wingnuts in the American South like a furious undersexed teenager holding a paintball gun, something that has left wingnuts a little confused. Republican governors are the most mystified of all about this turn of events, because they are being asked to show something called “leadership in times of crisis,” which they have always put in the “God’s job” column of their state task lists. Republicans handle election campaigns and tax cuts and Kochsucking, that is what is on their list. But to make this clearer, Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin is the latest GOP governor to join Rick Perry in formally asking God “what the hell?”  Fallin has a declared a public day of prayer on Sunday saying, “do a rain dance everybody.” Oh hey, Rick Perry tried that, but God didn’t listen. Will God be more impressed with Oklahoma’s prayers?

Here is the statement from Gov. Fallin’s website:

“For the safety of our firefighters and our communities and the well-being of our crops and livestock, this state needs the current drought to come to an end. The power of prayer is a wonderful thing, and I would ask every Oklahoman to look to a greater power this weekend and ask for rain.”

Secretary of Agriculture Jim Reese said he appreciated the governor’s call for prayer and would be saying his own this Sunday.

“Farmers across the state are really suffering under these conditions,” Reese said. “I’m glad the governor is issuing this call to prayer, and I hope it helps deliver the rain we need soon.”

By “greater power” she means, “not the governor, just someone who has some authority to help people out of this catastrophe, which is not her.” [Governor Mary Fallin via Salon]

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  1. Barb

    God heard your prayer and his answer is NO!
    Face it, if God answered prayers Sarah Palin would slide under a gasoline truck, tasting her own arterial spray.
    What do you guys pray for?

    1. genxr

      I pray for world peace, and end to suffering for all creatures, and for the next CPAC convention to be smashed by a large meteor stamped with the words, "I'm God and I approved this message."

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I pray for a stunning 21-year-old blonde who coos on the Miss America stage for "world peace" — and has a 130 IQ. So far, God seems to be stumped.

        1. genxr

          Above a certain IQ, the stunning 21 year old blonde becomes smart enough to ask, "Why the fuck would I want to suck up to Donald Trump and be on the Miss America Meat Pageant?"

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            That's why God is stumped. He has to start by taking out Trump … it's all part of my plan to improve the world.

      1. Barb

        You remind me of my friend. He doesn't pray anymore either after getting burned with that 10 inch pianist.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I had three different friends come by for a visit this weekend. They each brought their own beer, and left me with what they didn't drink. So, three Bud Lites, two Miller Lites, and four Coors Lights. I need to get me some different friends.

        1. WhatTheHeck

          With friends like those, you don't have a prayer of ever drinking a good beer.
          I'll pray with you brother that god will send you someone who knows hops, malt and some other tasty ingredients.

        2. BerkeleyBear

          Pray to move to Portland, then, because lo, I have been transported to Beervana. Even the local Kroger chain has a ton of microbrews, trappist ales and German double and triples. Typical bars may have 1 light beer available, but it is next to 15 or more better options.

          Of course, all the brewers here now seem to want to open distilleries, so watch, in 5-10 years it'll all be pisswater again.

          1. fuflans

            man i spent three MISERABLE months in portland in 2009 but DAMN those grocery stores and the liquor selection!!!!

            cheers! to a great city with great booze and restaurants and i can't wait to come back when i'm not being ridden by assholes.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Sam always struck me as more of a heavyset bulldog who always barks at everyone and everything, but really loves a good bellyrub.

    2. SarahsBush

      I pray that God would just come down and say, "Leave me the fuck alone! You ever heard of Lucifer? Yeah, try dealing with THAT guy on a daily basis. I gots my own problems."

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        If you think that's hard, try dealing with Eric Cantor! The guy was a total douche when we were negotiating the sale of his soul.
        Two words for you, Eric: special place.

        1. Swampgas_Man

          Is that like the "don't touch me there" place? Cuz Cantor seems to have a LOT of experience w/ that.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      I pray for one inch of rain to fall on the garden of Dustbowlblues every other day until the end of September, and also the gardens of her more liberal minded brethren at the Poduncksville, OK Methodist Church.

      But don't bother with their Republican neighbors, God, let the free market take of their needs.

    4. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm still praying that the nude photos Barb promised me show up. I'm having as much luck as Rick Perry.

      Either God is unjust, or Barb really is just a computer program. I'm split on which is the more likely.

          1. HistoriCat

            You would think God didn't need nude photos. This is a serious theological issue. I need more alcohol before further pondering.

      1. PristineODummy

        I thought everyone realized god was the meanest bitch ever after he told both Miche1le BatShitKrayZMann and Rick Perry he wanted them to get in the race.

    5. orygoon

      Seriously? I learned ever so much from the longtime head of the tiny, seat-of-the-pants (that means no money) Episcopal day school that my kids went to in Texas. Her husband had MS and she "retired" (she came back after he died, thank–well, thank goodness), but we had a head for two years who was all evangelical, and she got waaay to preachy about Jeebus. I mean, we had lots of non-Christian kids who were there for the schooling, but their families had always been okay with–get this, DAILY–chapel. But this lady was icky. I griped to the former/future head, and she shook her head and said sadly "that's what you get when you don't stick to the prayer book", i.e., the Book of Common Prayer. She's sooo right. Stick to Thomas Cranmer, and you'll be okay, you'll keep it dignified, and you'll learn some damn fine English. And you won't run off the Jews and the Muslins and the Chinese, also, too.

    6. flamingpdog

      I pray for my grandchilluns to live at least as long as I do so I'll have some actual reason to get out of bed every morning while I inhabit this mortal coil, or whatever it was that that Sheik Spear feller called it.

      That, and that when I drill in my backyard, I strike beer.

    7. BarryOPotter

      I pray to be the reader of more gems such as …tasting her own arterial spray.

      Holy shit! If JK Rowling reads that, she's going to think a little less of her own wordsmithery, then dispatch a non-muggle hit squad to deal with the "Barb situation."

    8. PristineODummy

      Me, I wake up every day praying that the entire fucking Republican party will mysteriously disappear and no one will notice or care. And also that I win about elebenty gazillion dollars so I can sit on my ass and hang out with the truly demented people I have found on this lovely site, and their ilk elsewhere.

    1. PristineODummy

      I think. Goodness knows all His creatures (except the hoominz) have been complaining mightily en route to extinction.

  2. Callyson

    Oh, I'm praying…
    Please, God, please…please get these wingnuts out of office. At least some of them…

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      "Superstitious dumbfucks" are the indigenous species of Oklahoma and Texas. Respect their culture, and learn to square-dance.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        You neglected to mention the two-step (cuz that's as high as they can count) and line-dancing (because idiocy is so much better when it's synchronized.)

      2. BerkeleyBear

        Hey, now – square dancing isn't just for Okies, and Texas is more of a two step crowd.

        (Grew up with Midwestern transplant parents who alternated bowling and square dancing in Southern California).

  3. nounverb911

    "I would ask every Oklahoman to look to a greater power this weekend and ask for rain.”
    Why don't you ask the Native Americans that used to live in OK to perform a rain dance for you?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      There are still plenty of natives in OK. I'm sure they'll get right on it after their shift at the pai-gow tables is up.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      You've got it backward. Other states used to have Indian and they all got sent here. Sadly, userowl got it right about the 40 of Olde Bull. I'm not sure what that is, but I assume alcohol. I've never actually gotten out and checked the trash pile the local Indian Nation leaves when they "49" at a particular spot on a country road.

      The 15 people we're feeding and housing are here from Texas to do a short-term mission building project on the Indian Methodist Church. So it's not like we don't give their church money. The new preacher is Creek, which is one of the big tribes, so it seems he has it a little more together but, lordy, no one can go on and on and talk and debate and preach as endlessly as an Indian.

      I'm tired tonight and feeling cynical. It doesn't show, does it?

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Looks like the Sonics brought a little bit of Northern Exposure* with them when they became the Thunder.

        *Took place in Alaska, filmed in Washington State. Still, closer to real than that Sarah Palin series.

        Come to think of it, why don't the Okies steal rain from the Emerald City, too? Clay Bennett can't get it on a plane, or something?

    1. PristineODummy

      Proof? Ha! What is this proof of which you speak? We laugh at your silly proof! We take our trousers down and laugh and laugh, pointing our bums your way.

  4. metamarcisf

    The voters of Oklahoma might have better luck passing a constitutional amendment to ban drought. Which is how they handled the problem of Sharia Law before that lesbian judge with the bad haircut put a stay on it. Thanks to her, hundreds of teenage boys have had their right hands cut off for rubbing one out in the boys room between classes.

  5. V572 der Plaatz

    So when Dust Bowl II happens, and the few remaining "family farms" in Oklahoma and Texas have withered and blown away, will the remaining citizens of these states think: "We tried prayer, and it failed. Perhaps our belief in a benevolent external higher power was mistaken, and should be reconsidered, even though he did kill a bunch of Jews in accordance with our wishes."

    When I was back there in seminary school….

      1. horsedreamer_1

        No, Shariah Law. Look at the Islamic world. Arabian Peninsula? Desert. North Africa? The World's Largest Desert, & getting larger, the Sahara. Pakistan & Afghanistan don't get much rain either.

        (Granted, India has a substantial Muslim population, & has its monsoons. & Bangladesh, of course. & we cannot forget the Indonesian tsunami. But, come on… Islamic Law causes evapouration.)

        1. PristineODummy

          I like your idea. Does the population increase, stay the same, or decrease as a result of all the desertification? Because, you know, 1 billion MooseLumps, I'm just sayin'.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      It never occurs to them that God has spoken: only the red states are frying. Coincidence?

      1. PristineODummy

        Well, good Hindus know that mushrooms arise from Brahma's sperm* alighting upon the sacred body of Mother Earth. That's why you get high eating them.

        (God is into bukkake. Who knew?)

  6. elviouslyqueer

    Maybe God will look more favorably on Oklahoma if Christina Fallin-Bacon does a lovely pole dance.

  7. OkieDokieDog

    Now you know why I was so… disgusted this AM. I'd already read this crap. Yeah, this worked so well for Texas.

    Stupid Xtian Conservatives in my state voted for Mattress Mary because she is a Xtian Conservative.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Yay! Someone else calls her Mattress Mary. Aka Betty Boop. I wasn't paying attention when that shit happened. Do you know whether she dumped hubby and married the bodyguard she was fucking?

      1. OkieDokieDog

        Oh she dumped the hubby alright, but didn't marry the patrolman (and I'm pretty sure that marriage broke up too). She married an attorney. Good thing she'd had her tubes tied or was on birth control pills, or she'd have a whole bunch of babies with different daddies.

  8. jjdaddyo

    I drove through OK this week and it was 105 degrees. I don't think they need to pray to Jeebus, I think they need to be sacrificing virgins to Beelzebub.

    1. riverside68

      They goona have to import them virgins from the blue states, just like they do with the federal tax dollars: "Oh God please send us some virgins with teh northern cash, we promise to kill them as soon as they get here, hopefully before they get preggers"

      Maybe that's the problem: to many preggers teens and pay-per-view porn (too stoopid to find on the tubes).

      1. SorosBot

        And Comic-Con is coming up in San Diego next weekend. Look out, nerds, a bunch of rednecks may be coming out to kidnap you.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Dancing boys for Pele! On the double!

      Plus, if it worked, I assume the cognitive dissonance of having to be grateful to openly gay samba dancers would destroy the evangelicals, leaving the few remaining Okie progressives to clean up the pieces.

    3. DustBowlBlues

      Must it be a virgin? Cuz' I'm thinking that Mattress Mary's slut daughter would be the perfect choice.

  9. Rarian Rakista

    We should have a Wonkette day of prayer that the drought continues. If the drought does not abate by a certain date, we will declare a new god and religion based on the holy snark.

    1. Timofmars

      The first letter from the prophet Rarian to the internets.

      *Makes the sign of the holy snark*


    2. DustBowlBlues

      NO! I'm watching my orchard fry and losing perennials no matter how much I water–drip only, btw. To save on the well.

  10. SheriffRoscoe

    Because God is all "oh sure, why didn't you guys just say so!" when it comes to things like this.

  11. weejee

    These are the same dipshits that refuse to up their building codes to meet the demands of tornadoes, floodz, and hurricanes like the left coast did regards earthquakes. But upping the code costs real money in the area with the risk, and it is so much better to screech about big goobermint but then go the Fallin-Palin victim and start singing Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me when doG does them wrong in the weather department and they need and demand the disaster designation.

    Lay yer head on the railroad tracks Gov. Lou Fallin, and start waiting for the Double E.

        1. bumfug

          Keep 'em coming! I was never star-struck but one of the coolest things that ever happened was getting to open for Warren Zevon.

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      You can't tell me what I can build in the sovereign nation of V572istan! If I want to build my house right on the frontier (what those socialists down at Building Department call the "property line"), and if I don't care to obey any fire codes and my house burns down and falls on your house, and your kids are burned alive, you're just not self-reliant enough.

  12. rocktonsam

    God is to busy being depressed over the USA America WOMENS Soccer FAILURE.


    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Waitaminnit, I thought God was on OUR side when it came to meaningless sporting events. What's he doing letting those sneaky Japanese win?

        1. HistoriCat

          Tornadoes are one thing but abandoning us at a sporting event is just too low, even if teh gheys are out there.

          Wait, what? Soccer? Oh, who cares?
          Women's soccer? Pfft never mind.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Asians pray for longer hours, with fewer benefits, than Americans do. Ever since God lowered His international prayer barriers, it's been hard to compete.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        And Koch Industries hasn't yet cornered the market on water, so their interest is pretty limited at the moment.

  13. Rotundo_

    Off topic but: The whistle blower who ratted out Ruperts' Rag in the phone hacking dustup has managed to end up dead. A drug and alcohol user and abuser according to reports, but gosh how incredibly timely! The conspiracy nuts will have a field day with this one, a Vince Foster for the left! How many others has Rupe had done in? The Shadow (or Rupert) knows…

    1. BlueStateLibel

      I've known plenty a "drug and alcohol" abuser to live to a very ripe old age…this guy was young, and if anyone thinks he wasn't knocked off, I've got a bridge to sell them.

      It's nice to see the Murdoch rock kicked over and the worms come wiggling out, too bad this guy had to die though.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      FOX News &/or News Corp. prolly had some fingers in the Deborah Jeane Palfrey "suicide" pie, too.

  14. iburl

    Dear God, please prevent me from being fired for having a porn star choking on a huge phallic cucumber on my Wonkette.

  15. Pragmatist2

    God has heard their prayers and is sending them Michelle Bachmann to cure them of their woes. And while she is at it her husband will cure them of their homosexual tendencies.

  16. BlueStateLibel

    It must be particularly confusing to them because they like to call Obama the Messiah. Or maybe that explains it.

  17. Tundra Grifter

    According to the newsletter written by the great Jim Hightower, while Gov. Perry's day of prayer didn't yield results, Austin saw much-needed rain the day after President Obama came to visit…

  18. MittsHairHelmet

    The ol' Rain Dance initiative. A time honored political tradition since Moctezuma used it back in 1443.

  19. bumfug

    It's obvious that God just flat spoos in his robe from all the fun he has fucking with these idiots. He tells them all to run for president then tells them loony shit to say so everyone will laugh at them. I bet he's cracking up right this minute.

  20. Radiotherapy®

    God was a big job creator, Jesus ran a small business, and the Holy Spirit was a cross-eyed college drop-out. Yet, they were One.

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Hedonistic Southern California has been doing right-good as well this summer. Coincidence?

    2. lumpenprole

      The homos and environmental extremists in Northern CA have enjoyed a delightful 2011.

      1. PristineODummy

        I was going to say something about the long, wet, rainy spring, but hey, it *is* too fucking beautiful out there now, innit?

  21. Preferred Customer

    It is a good thing that Oklahoma passed that law keeping Sharia out of the courts, because that is a religion that just cannot separate Church and State.

    Snark aside, it is dimestore and hackneyed, but at the end of the day if you believe in a god that answers prayers you also believe in a god that doesn't answer prayers, because…why? For laughs? Just to fuck with you? Isn't believing in a cruel, indifferent world where your howls of pain carry ceaselessly into the void so much better than believing in a sometimes-malevolent spirit that could help you with no effort at all but doesn't because He doesn't like you? Comfort in prayer, my ass.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      They just fall back on the fool-proof "God's will" non-explaining explain-all explanation.

      We just had an 8-year-old kidnapped, killed, and chopped to pieces in Brooklyn. NYT quoted some Hassidic guy, who said that "God wanted it to happen."

      That's some God you got there, fella.

      1. Preferred Customer

        Yeah, my kid heard that story and it's been on her mind. She wants to understand why someone would do something like that. She's five.

        You know what probably wouldn't make her feel better about it? "Well, you see, sweetie, the little boy just didn't pray hard enough."

      2. PristineODummy

        Fuck me. They actually found someone to say that? May his rectum fall right off, preferably in the middle of some well-attended religious ceremony.

    2. PristineODummy

      Children/infants/babies with life-threatening illnesses. What the fuck kind of deity needs to create life that will be destroyed only too soon in the most agonizing, brutal, unpleasant way? Where is the sense, the logic, the basic decency, dare I say it, the *humanity* in this?

      Oh, irony has died a patent, blatant death indeed in a world that can argue *for* a god where children starve daily and innocents are blown to bits for merely going about the daily business of their lives in the wrong place at the wrong time.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Hey, be nice. We sensible Texans have enough problems as it is without a bunch of Okies thrown into the punchbowl.

    2. V572 der Plaatz

      I am indeed, but I'm not some servant at your beck and call. Enjoy your thunderbolt tonight.


  22. arihaya

    what if the Biblical God is currently having a "Punishment to Egypt mode"?

    you know sending 10 disasters to Deep South and something like that ?

    1. riverside68

      That would depend on the Church, and the State

      It's a frekin rainbow of possibilities!

        1. V572 Hair of Destiny

          A rainbow is Yahweh's promise not to flood the world again. But the fine print didn't mention drouth! That Yahweh: like a smart lawyer.

        1. bagofmice

          I just bought one of those. After a certain size it's called a Wrecking Bar. After putting on the glasses and goatee, I went full Freeman on my porch. It was beautiful.

  23. Chillwaver

    “I’m glad the governor is issuing this call to prayer, and I hope it helps deliver the rain we need soon.”

    God will probably send a few dozen tornadoes instead. Too much?

  24. ManchuCandidate

    What happened? I thought RW wing nuts were the bravest of the brave not a bunch of nerdy pussies like us liebruls are.

    It's just an example of moral cowardice instead of showing any leadership. Their "ideas" don't work so they're going to close their eyes and stick their heads in the sand and pray for Muscular (but not in a gay way) Sky War White Jeebus to save them instead of acting like a fucking adult, admitting mistakes, stop acting like a dogmatic jackass and trying to do something about it.

    I really really really fucking hate posturing cowards in leadership roles.

    1. Judith_Priest

      This does sound like a lot of mewling for such a bunch of self-sufficient Wolverines.

    1. zhubajie

      When that song came out, I was assured, by natives, that there's lots of pot-smoking in Muskogee!

  25. MissusBarry

    Dear wingnuts,
    If doG actually worked the way you think, I'd have been smited long ago. You might want to consider plan B. Which should not involve any big gubmint disaster relief because that's all socialist and evil. Can't come up with an awesome short-term fix, but for the longer term you may wish to reevaluate your position on climate change.
    Hugs and raindrops,

  26. Doktor Zoom

    I'm waiting for Herman Cain to condemn this dangerous infusion of church and state.

  27. OneYieldRegular

    Wait – didn't we just see Failin's daughter doing this dance out in front of the Governor's mansion? If that didn't work, I don't see any reason for others to get all dolled up in their dancing shoes.

    Besides, God has already sent about 1,000 climate change scientists to help out, and His efforts have been roundly ignored by Republican governors.

  28. Barrelhse

    Here she says "if we have a lot of people praying it moves the heart of God."

    If these asswipes weren't so destructive I would pity their gullibility.
    Picture the concept: a guy up there with a warm heart, just waiting for some fundy morons to ask for his help. Did it occur to them that if there was a god, and he gave a shit about them, they shouldn't have to pray in the first place? What a racket- where's RICO?
    Speaking of dicklickers and deluded morons,

    1. Naked_Bunny

      "a lot of people praying it moves the heart of God"

      But I thought God had some big plan already mapped out for everyone and everything. Does that make Fallin the Mule to God's Hari Seldon?

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        Oooh, Asimov reference – upfist just for that!

        Does God have a big plan? I get confused by that. God can't have a big plan because we're special and have free will and stuff, yet if some kid gets sideswiped and wiped out by a drunk driver, that's simply "God's will". It's all terribly inconsistent.

        It seems you've got two rational choices, either
        a) He's not there and never was
        b) He's a sadistic fuck who plays with us ants like a giant kid with a magnifying glass

        1. HistoriCat

          I'm going for c) We're all constructs in the equivalent of a computer simulation and our teenage creator has grown up enough to be beyond the vengefulness of children but is still interested in the outcome of the sim.

          Not that this makes any difference at all to us lowly mortals of course.

          1. Fukui_sanYesOta

            I've seen the argument made that, given the progress of computer technology and its ability for simulation, isn't it more rational to believe that we're all constructs in a simulation?

            Seems more plausible that doG.

          2. horsedreamer_1

            I'm not opening that at work, but I'm really hoping it's the Dillinger Escape Plan track with Mike Patton on vocals.

          3. SorosBot

            That would explain my friend who died while swimming when all the ladders were deleted from the pool, and he had to keep swimming until he ran out of energy and drowned. Or the one who got trapped by a new set of walls until his hunger dropped completely red and he starved.

    2. PristineODummy

      I've always felt I should start a religion, you know, just to make sure I get to live a wealthy, adored, sycophant-surrounded old age.

  29. Nostrildamus

    Oooooklahoma, where the dumb fucks is prayin' for the rain
    And I'll shoot my wad
    At the sang-n-froid,
    As the Okie crops go down the drain …

  30. riverside68

    Suck it up Okies, this is a test: if you die of thirst without getting gay married, you won!

    Please hold out, be strong in the face of temptation, remember: it is all about the next life, whatever pain you suffer dying of thirst will be rewarded later.

    Trust me on this.

  31. Veritas78

    I think God made himself pretty damn clear about what he thought of dumbasses who chose to live in deserts.

    1. PristineODummy

      Given that deserts are fairly regularly created and destroyed (more so by humans, admittedly), I think nature makes it pretty damn clear what she thinks of dumbasses who choose to turn the beautiful world she gave them into deserts.

  32. StarsUponThars

    "When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why God? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'"
    — Stephen King

    1. PristineODummy

      I always thought the reply would be more along the lines of, "Hey, when I told you you were the Chosen People, I never said FOR WHAT, did I? Schmendricks."

  33. SarahsBush

    "Lately God has been shooting firestorms at the wingnuts in the American South like a furious undersexed teenager holding a paintball gun…"

    Kirsten, where have you been all my life?

  34. Quayle2012_KNOT

    Apparently none of those freaks has thought of a creative sacrifice to bring the rains. Surely they must believe that if Michele Bachmann were staked out on the West Texas Plains, doused with lighter fluid and a pack of match-wielding homosexuals set loose it'd rain for sure! Right?

  35. VinnyThePooh

    "We're sorry. The Prayer Department is currently closed due to budget cuts. We regret any inconvenience."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Your prayer is important to us. Please begin praying at the tone. [BEEEP]

      Oh yeah – it's a 900 number.

  36. Naked_Bunny

    Calling for a day of prayer to solve a crisis by any elected politician should be considered an automatic resignation by forfeiture.

  37. user-of-owls

    “I’m glad the governor is issuing this call to prayer"

    To hell with gay peens, Mary Failin, the Muezzin of Oklahoma is going to climb up the minaret in Tulsa and just cold go adhan on those Okies asses.

    This is gonna be good!

  38. orygoon

    If God-imploring didn't work for Janis Joplin (of Texas, mind you), what do these nobodies expect?

  39. BritinSeattle

    Meanwhile, here in almost totally godless Seattle, it hasn't stopped pissing it down…

  40. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, isn't a rain dance what the heathen red man did before killing good white Christian settlers?

    Maybe that is the source of your problem. That and failing to sacrifice your first born. If you are going to get biblical, you better get Old Testament if you want to impress Jehovah.

  41. comrad_darkness

    The 21st century, boys and girls, that dark time when the looniest were sought out and put in charge of things.

  42. DaSandman

    Tell the Gov of Oklahoma to have her whore daughter dance around like in the fashion shoot. That and prayer should do the trick.

  43. Nopantsmcgee

    If these people saw anyone else but Christians do this they'd accuse them of paganism or witchcraft .

  44. Wadisay

    Maybe God heard their prayer, but, with that stupid accent of theirs, thought they said, Please, Lord, send us rayon."

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Ditto on you being the funny one. As I said to Wadisay, I haven't had any time to spend with the wonkeratti today and haven't read many of these replies, so I wouldn't feel like too much of a comic genius.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      This is the funniest comment I'm read on the thread. Haven't read many, however, so don't be all snotty and big a fat head over it.

  45. Warpde

    Gov. Fallin asks,
    "I would ask every Oklahoman to look to a greater power this weekend and ask for rain.”

    God, in reply.
    "Oklahoma? Really?
    Sorry, my bad.
    Being the ever seeing one I thought you meant Missouri……
    Kay' I'll turn it off now…….
    Peter…..Hey!!! Peter….
    Where's that damn son of mine? I've arranged a date for him with Fallin's daughter."

  46. mormos

    I've never understood how instituting a day of prayer was not grossly illegal. Can someone explain this to me please?

  47. user-of-owls

    You won't believe this!

    The Tulsa World is reporting that they have FOIAed the governor's discretionary fund budget and learned that under "Miscellaneous Expenses," there is an entry for July 24 that pre-authorizes payment of $8.8 million to "Barnstormer Eddie's Cloud-Seeding Services."


    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Seed 'em all you like, Eddie — those clouds are careful about taking their contraprecipitation pills.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      We do it every time there's a drought. And by the way, the last drought was when Keating, that Republican dickwad-deserves-to-burn-in-hell was governor. When we had Democratic Brad Henry, we had lots of rain.

      Okies never fucking get it, do they?

  48. ttommyunger

    I checked with God myself after reading about this, and She said, and I quote: "Fuck 'em!".

  49. James Michael Curley

    "She blowed away,
    She blowed away,
    My Oklahoma Gov'nor blowed away.

    You know its a fact mister
    She got picked up by a twister,
    My Oklahoma Gov'nor blowed away."

  50. politics_nerd

    In all seriousness, I believe God is real, and I believe he has given us the gifts of Paul Ryan's kill medicare plan and the rest of the GOP suicidal behavior we have seen recently. Now it is up to *US* to act on these gifts and USE them against these scumbags. All snark aside, PLEASE GET ACTIVE. I am working with a lot of great people on facebook to take this war to the front doors of the scum in power, so they soon wont be. Look at the facebook pages of Eric Cantor, the White House, Darrell Issa, David Vitter, John Boehner, and all the rest of the SCUM in power. (The White House is where we go to scream in Obama's ear.) I truly believe that fb activism WILL make a difference in '012. Join us!

    1. flamingpdog

      I was with you, nerd, until the part about screaming in O'Bomber's ear. It would be like trying to teach a pig to sing – it would get you nowhere and only annoy the Prez.

  51. BarackMyWorld

    I don't understand how God could be influenced by prayer if He already knows the future and has a plan.

    1. user-of-owls

      Shhh! God will not look kindly on you if it becomes known that his racket is basically a mash-up of PT Barnum, Bernie Madoff and the Balloon Boy. You don't wanna be on his smitey side.

    2. flamingpdog

      As much as evangelical Repubs would abhor the idea, I actually see Y—-h as a big guvner's office. He's got a limited budget, with all kindz of interests fighting over it. He sendz the rain one place until peoples of great influence corner him in the hallway and convince him their place needs the rain moar than the other folks'. Their prayers are answered, and he getz a big "contribution" in return. He shuffles the rain from place to place depending on who has the loudest voice with the most influence, and those peoples can change from one day to the next. Mebbe the reason he dumps on places like Texas and Oklahoma is because he sees their guvners trying to horn in on his racket.

  52. alaninthecastro

    When Republicans get through demolishing the government, we'll all have nothing left to do but pray.

  53. smitallica

    These are people of the land. Simple farmers. The common clay of the new west. You know…morons.

    For the wingnut jesus freaks, one snowstorm in winter disproves all climate change science. But the fact that the governor of the state directly to the south of them prayed for rain and it got hotter and drier does not disprove prayer.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Facts and faith are not happy bedfellows, even though that's not a same-sex bed.

      I do feel sorry for the individual farmers, but as a voting bloc I'm of the mind to think "fuck the lot of you"

  54. ThundercatHo

    Perhaps our little dust mote is about to be dropped in the gigantic pot of boiling oil. We are here, we are here, WE ARE HERE!

    1. flamingpdog

      I'd be moar excited if he was considering stepping off the observation deck at the Empire State Building.

      1. Warpde

        I hear you Bro.
        But he has a hard enough time getting off the couch.
        Let alone climbing a fence.
        Unless we gave him a legs up :)

  55. Sparky_McGruff

    I predict God will answer their prayers with cool weather and refreshing rains. In mid November.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Nah. Last winter was bone dry except for a couple of horrible cold periods with snow. I hate this fucking drought and god awful heat and the bitch governor.

  56. glamourdammerung

    I kind of thought this was the "Dustbowl" saying "hey, about that 'myth' of anthropomorphic climate change…".

  57. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Still would be, if it weren't for that dadgum big guvmint socialiist regulation thing, the FDA.

  58. DustBowlBlues

    Ahem. I'm reading these, you know. And truly, I picked the best screen name for the current days. I'm blue in the DustBowl. Oh, I just realized I was using blue in a political sense as well as a Woody Gutherie sense. I am so smart.

    Here I am, cooking for 15 fucking Texans up here to do good work on the Indian Methodist church, cleaning up and washing towels and working myself next to death, clearly on the fast track to heaven, and this slutty bitch governor plays the Xian card on ME? Seriously, Mattress Mary Betty Boop Failin? Since I'm clearly the real Xian in any contest between me and these asswipe Republitard guvs given how hard I'm working and how tired I am, (not to mention faling over some kid's suitcase in the B&B today–that I'm giving them for free, with food–and fucking up my thumb when I used my hand to break my fall and god know what-all. I'm probably also internal bleeding and don't know it because I'm too fucking tired), all for doing a good deed

    Where was I? (I told you I was tired). So, as I said yesterday, since I'm clearly going to be Raptured up in October for being such a good Xian, I'm going to make a case for the wonkeratti to join me and avoid the Apocalypse but these phony-ass Xians are on their own. I'll just be like Pirate Jenny and say "Right now" and help kick their asses back to whatever bad place there is to be. Maybe the being the on non-Jehovah's Witness in a country populated only by Jehovah's Witnesses. That would be hell.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wow … I'm sure that took all of His attention and energy. No wonder He's not taking calls from Perry and Failin'.

  59. DustBowlBlues

    My last comment, before I take my tired self to bed. I have a funny feeling that the Somalians have beaten us to the punch on this praying for rain business.

    God has answered: you're fucking up the nice atmosphere I gifted on you, you idiots. Be kinder to the world I created and it will be kinder to you.

    But that would be an actual Christian way of looking at this climate disaster, and these phony ass Republithugs wouldn't recognize Jesus if he kicked them in the ass while yeling, "I said take care of the poor and needy, you asswipes."

  60. Chet Kincaid

    Insert some snide asides about Orgone, cloudbusting and Kate Bush which I have looked up but don't have time to make entertaining, here.

    EDIT: OK, OK, I got one! I proclaim a national day of fapping with the aim of making it rain in OK! Whip it out and salute to the S/SW at 9 pm Central Tuesday night. Or, you know, whichever direction is appropriate for your orientation.

    1. PristineODummy

      Um … all of them, Katie?

      Srsly, if everyone in the whole damn nation would masturbate at exactly the same moment, we could probably move the earth right off its axis and, who knows, maybe even get a little rain.

  61. Negropolis

    Come on, you guys. It's Coke! Fucking coke! Koch-snorting, not koch-sucking. I know the only thing you can't resist is temptation, but try.

    But, back on subject, why haven't these states yet bit the bullet and just went all out and created an official Department of Prayer/God/Christianity? It's not like they care about the Constitution to begin with, so they wouldn't care if this was constitutional or not.

  62. Negropolis

    Looks like Sharia Law hasn't been stomped out quite yet, apparently. Mary just straight-up issued a call to prayer. Her dastardly plan for the Caliphate of Al-Klahoma is nearly complete…bwahahahah…hahahahaha….

  63. Poindexter718

    God only has so much rain to give and Texas & Oklahoma have put him in a very awkward position. I would not be at all surprised if He threw up His hands and gave it all to the goddless hippies in Seattle just to spite the Southwest.
    Iz how He rolls sometimes.

  64. Negropolis

    God's a little busy, right now, trying to broker the NFL lockout, and all. But, I hear that Satan's available and looking to make a deal, if anyone's interested…

    I hear he drives a hard bargain, but it can't be any more difficult than negotiating with Republicans.

    1. HistoriCat

      I suddenly have a used car lot vibe.

      Satan – OK, I'll take your soul in exchange for rain, a bigger penis and a sports car. Just let me check with my manager
      (behind the scenes)
      Hey God – you'll never believe what this idiot agreed to! Ask for more? Like what? You don't really think they'll go for that do you? Oh, OK – you're the boss.
      Sorry but I'm going to also need a virgin sacrifice and I DON'T mean some pimply nerd boy!

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Pretty close, HC … but there is no manager. I just stand there snorting, and go back out when I can keep a straight face on.

        Then we send rain until the Mississippi goes 20 feet over its banks, for the lulz.

  65. Slim_Pickins

    Is there really a Global Warming Denial Conference in Norman this weekend hosted by Sen. Inhofe?

  66. not that Dewey

    Is snake oil a leading or lagging economic indicator? Because if it's leading, we're in for some good times soon!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Render unto Ceasar, yadda yadda."

      Of course, the frickin' baggers don't want to do that, either…

  67. lumpenprole

    Someone once said to me that "The Lord only gives you what you can handle." I didn't understand at all what that meant at the time. But, now…

  68. lochnessmonster

    Do they accept Muslin prayers for rain too or is it only the Christian prayers she. Thinks will be heard?

  69. Slim_Pickins

    A virgin sacrifice might work, but not if its her daughter or that revirginized Palin girl.

  70. zhubajie

    Of course they don't read Job! They keep a Bible on their coffee table for good luck, but never open it!

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