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Gay Penis Size Today’s Hot Topic In Right-Wing Blogosphere For No Reason But The Obvious One

where can we get moar of the gay cock news?Good news for all the people at the Traditional Values Coalition who spend most of their days Google-searching “huge gay dongs” through their tears: they accidentally also uncovered a 2009 study about gay men’s penis sizes published by the government-funded National Institute of Health. BUT THAT IS TAXPAYER MONIES?? Type type type go all the conservative news sites, who will now prove to everyone using the words “penis” and “anal insertion” 300 times a page that the government just wants to raise taxes so they can spend money on all sorts of gross things that scare and delight the Jesus people. And yes, that’s just a link to a Google search about the study, which yields pages and pages of right-wing blog entries. So there you have it everyone, gay schlong is now a conservative budget issue, as if you were ever expecting otherwise.

Did the government really spend millions of dollars measuring homo junk? No, of course not, but that is absolutely not going to get those millions of closeted fappers over the edge.

And here we are block-quoting the story, because the libtard outlets have not bothered/ do not care (yet?) about this study from 2009 full of major scientific insights like “men with large penises are happy”:

“This country is broke and we cannot spend money on this kind of stuff,” said Andrea Lafferty, president of the Traditional Values Coalition which drew attention to the report as part of a six-month investigation into NIH grants for examples of “institutional waste.”

“We’re spending money on wacky stuff,” Lafferty said.

But one of the researchers involved with the report told that NIH funding was only used to help “analyze and write up” data which had already been collected without the use of taxpayer funds.

“The data were not collected using taxpayer funds,” Jeffrey Parsons, a professor with Hunter College, said in an email. “NIH funds were not used to measure anyone’s penis size.”

He said part of the 2006 grant went toward the primary author’s post-survey analysis as part of his postdoctoral fellowship to “better inform sexual health promotion efforts.”

At least these guys could have produced some pictures to go with the research. Pictures next time and the TVC will leave you alone, deal? [Fox News]

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        1. PristineODummy

          See, I know there were some diehards right here on Teh Wonkettez who thought that phrase was, to put it politely, hackneyed. To them I say, "Pffft, diehard Wonketeerz! Was this, or was this not, the perfect response?"

          (Answer: "It was.")

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Seriously, once it's gone in six inches or so, where's it gonna go? What's it gonna do up there? My lady friends with whom I've broached the subject assure me the important gets done right around the edges of the entrance.

          1. mayor_quimby

            Funny story…… yadda yadda yadda,……then my girlfriend had to go to the urologist.
            I was pretty proud of myself!

  1. memzilla

    "…his postdoctoral fellowship to 'better inform sexual health promotion efforts.'"

    "Sexual Health Promotion Officer" would make a great t-shirt.

      1. PristineODummy

        Let me know if it works so I can add it to my List of Ploys in Search of Teh Sexay.

    1. zhubajie

      "Sexual Health Promotion Officer" sounds like an official assignment for some junior naval officer, like "Hanger-bay Door Officer". It calls for a colorful nickname, too!

  2. metamarcisf

    “This country is broke and we cannot spend money on this kind of stuff,” said Andrea Lafferty, president of the Traditional Values Coalition…she went on to say that "if this country was not broke, I'd be the first to support measuring male penis sizes – but I would still stop short at including gay men in the study."

      1. MildMidwesterner

        I begin all of my lovemaking with a power point presentation. By the end, those pie charts are beggin' for my bar graph.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Buying all those tape measures for the researchers cost more money than thirty abortions or one 2,000-lb daisy-cutter anti-personnel bomb.

  4. Come here a minute

    Rupert Murdoch runs a corrupt empire? Hey look, everybody, BIG GAY PENIS GOVERNMENT WASTE did we say GAY PENIS?

    1. PristineODummy

      Don't forget BIG. Plus, Rick Perry has a HUGE opening. Just to accommodate BIG GAY PENIS.

  5. baconzgood

    Wait a sec. This posting doesn't tell me if my cock is bigger or small or what? Now I gotta go to the local glory hole to figure it out for myself.

    1. widestanceroman

      There should be one of those nifty hole-y things for measuring pasta adapted for penis gauging.

      1. BlueMonkeh

        Or maybe like you use to figure out what size your knitting needles are? I've got a couple of those and they even have a ruler along the edge for measuring length as well as width.

      2. BaldarTFlagass

        Actually, I've seen those in Mexico, along with ones for boob size. But I bought a plaster lawn burro instead.

      3. Terry

        Maybe calipers would be better. If they started selling on late night TV those nifty hole-y things for men to use, emergency rooms around the country would be filled with guys who tried to use a jigsaw to remove the nifty hole-y things.

    2. smokefilleddoommate

      I scanned your comment quickly and read it as, "Now I gotta go to the local grocery store to figure it out for myself." [wha?? comparisons in the produce section?] Read-over!!

      1. PristineODummy

        It's summer. There's plenty of zucchini and cucumbers out there for the measuring. Just ask Kortney.

    3. mayor_quimby

      I don't know what to think, but i will continue to think that mine is always:
      'so big'
      'makes me feel so full'
      'ow, that hurts a little'
      'i can only take the tip'
      'the best ever'

      That's all super affirming, my therapist says it's totally true.
      In conclusion – COCK!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      A very gay friend of mine tells me that "girth" is the critical measurement in his world.

  6. hagajim

    So how much money did we spend on penii analysis? Probably not as much as we did on Marcus Bachmann trying to convert the homos to his way of thinking.

    Also, is analysis of penis size penalysis, and can you suffer from paralysis from penalysis?

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    But, is the dong self-aware enough to know whether it is gay or not? Or whether it is large or not?

  8. widestanceroman

    I sure wish I had all the money I spent researching gay penis size over the years. . .

    1. Nixon_So_Fine

      I was gonna say "a million up-fists," then I realized just how many entendres could be beyond-doubling in this thread…so I'll just sit quietly as we approach singularity, and I'll wait for Morgan Freeman to open the wormhole…D'oh! Oh boy…shouldn't have added THAT one.

  9. facehead

    This confirms what we knew all along: big government is in the pocket of big gay penis.

  10. mavenmaven

    I'd prefer a focus on all the important studies that could not be done thanks to 8 years of Bush killing the NIH.

  11. smitallica

    They would've confined this study just to the Republican Congressional Caucus, but the dicks there are beyond measure.

  12. OkieDokieDog

    Isn't this why RW men are gay? They want to keep all the BIG dong's for themselves. Sounds reasonable to me, since the RW doesn't think that the wimmens should be getting any enjoyment from penis insertion as it is strictly for procreation purposes only.

    edit: meant Right Wing not RailRoad or whatever.

  13. BlueMonkeh

    These data highlight the need to better understand the real individual-level consequences of living in a penis-centered society.


  14. elviouslyqueer

    I for one would love to be the PI on an NIH study to find out how Andrea Lafferty and the rest of the Traditional Values Coalition are still able to speak while their heads are inserted up their asses. I can haz FOA?

  15. NorthStarSpanx

    What are they going to do next? Study the mating habit of fruit flies or something disgusting and wasteful like that?

    1. GOPCrusher

      If the study would have been for determining how penis size relates to the lethality of weapons to kill brown Muslim people, no one would have given two shits about it.

  16. weejee

    In a related report, the Capitol Police are reporting they found a collection of pant legs like the bottoms of cut-offs that were fitted with rubber bands, trench coats, and directions to the Greyhound Bus Depot in the House Majority cloakroom.

      1. weejee

        A good friend, who is now passed, was a probation officer for sexual offenders. The tales he told, sans names, would curl the hair of most. Seems a common practice among flashers was to skip their pants and Fruit of the Looms, and put on shoes, socks and a set of lower pants' legs held up with rubber bands. They'd then don their trench coat and head out to play cock-of-the-walk. Coming at you everything looked okay; shoes check, socks check, pants check (oops), until they opened the coat.

        1. zhubajie

          A couple of archaeological acquaintances went strolling around Jerusalem one weekend and ran into a Hasidic flasher! Those long coats are real handy!

  17. MiniMencken

    You know what would shrink the deficit hugely? Getting rid of the income tax and property tax exemptions for religious organizations.

    1. ThundercatHo

      I'd give you a million upfists for that if I could. Too bad the wingnuts would only be in favor of this idea if it only applied to non-xtian groups.

  18. SorosBot

    Well good on Fox News to search long and hard to find the big, impotent important stories and go in deep to investigate the darkest crevices of government waste.

    It's not like there's a big major scandal involving their parent company which they be involved with that like to keep people distracted from or anything…

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm pretty sure this means that FOX News has spent more inches on penisises than on anything that might be going on with their corporate overloads in some unheard of country in Europe.

      1. SorosBot

        Apparently the response from Fox and other US NewsCorp outlets has been a mixture of "Move along, there's nothing to see here, it's old news and not in America anyway" and "This is a partisan witch hunt! LEAVE RUPERT ALONE!"

        1. GOPCrusher

          Well, Rep. Peter King (R) has called for an investigation as to whether of not News Corp hacked in to phones of 9/11 victims families, so the partisan witch hunt argument is DOA.
          And it seems that Rupert Murdoch is in fact, a U.S. citizen. And according to the law, if he his convicted of wrong doing in England, he can no longer own television stations in the U.S.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    This is more like it!! Dick jokes for everyone!! YOU get a dick joke, and YOU get a dick joke…

  20. ThundercatHo

    This just confirms it. Gay men have all the things straight women want: nicely decorated homes, great fashion sense, witty reparte and now they even have big dicks. Life is not fair.

    1. genxr

      I can't tell you what a relief that is for me, with my messy home, collection of ironic nerd t-shirts, and …ummmm… medium size? Sorry, ladies, it's the only game in town.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      At least it's not the richest 10% with 50% of the … oh wait … maybe it's 50% of the rich that are dicks. Fuckin' statistics … how do they work?

      1. widestanceroman

        I think of HamBiscuits as more of a creepy drooling thing who just watches and cries softly to himself, pays, and leaves.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      He was on top of it, but now says he will get to the bottom of this whole story.

  21. baconzgood

    I'm not in the Traditional Values Coalition….Not that there is anything wrong with that.

  22. OneYieldRegular

    I'm afraid I'm going to have to see Andrea Lafferty's CV, full publication record, and citation index before I'll even consider her peer review of this study. And I'll also need to see her birth certificate. And her appendage.

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, the Traditional Values Coalition, in an attempt to find government waste, is attacking the NIH, because, really, when you think waste, you think medical studies.

    But, hey, in the end it was all right, because they found a gay medical study, and we don't want healthy gay men, do we?

  24. widestanceroman

    Yet, when the Pentagon has no idea where (I mean, really, not even 'my dog ate it') billions of dollars went in Iraq, it's just a big 'meh.'

    Wasn't there a story some years ago about how many actual TONS of money was MIA? When you are measuring squandered money by weight, I really don't care how many dollars are spent measuring dicks, although I would have liked to help.

    1. PristineODummy

      $82 billion airdropped into the war zone of Baghdad during Paul "Jerry" Bremer's tenure. It was measured in tonnage. Covered in plastic shrinkwrap on pallets. I believe it was the inimitable Henry Waxman who insisted on the Congressional hearing that unearthed that little factalah. Funny that no one mentions that when talking about "wasteful government spending." Or the $2.3 TRILLION that Donald Rumsfeld announced at a press conference (09/10/2001) was "missing" from the Pentagon.

    2. zhubajie

      Well, these grads of Harvard Bus. School were handing out garbage bags of $100 bills, but somehow they forgot to weigh the bags and record who got how much. So no notebooks filled with "50 lb of $100 bills to Mr Cock to paint schoolhouses" or anything!

      The ironic thing is, Iraqis *invented* book-keeping and accounting! Clay tablets are FULL of things like "6 sheep, 10 bushels of wheat to Enlil-ti for painting the schoolhouse"! They were making those kinds of records in the Stone Age!

      Makes you wonder who the barbarians are, doesn't it?

  25. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Just wait until the members of the TVC find out that federal funds are going toward housing a black man in the White House.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      A lot of Republican office holders have done private, small scale studies, but just while they are traveling, away from their beards wives, and have some free time on their hands.

    2. genxr

      Oscar Wilde, who said "The only thing worse than funding a study of gay penis size, is not funding a study of gay penis size?"

    3. Tundra Grifter

      Thank you, one and all!

      The true measure of a comment is not the p-ness, it's the number of replies.

      I didn't know the answer to this question. For a while I've just wanted to post a "who else?" comment.

  26. donner_froh

    They could have saved some money and just surveyed the Male Escort ads on Backpage, although the researchers might have gotten tired writing "8 inch uncut" over and over.

  27. Sue4466

    But yet the rightiees aren't all pissed about the waste of government funds going to Marcus Bachman's pray away the gay scheme.

    I'm starting to think it's not really about being fiscally responsible at all.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        With assistance from his close, personal friend James O'Keefe (who I'd bet is as pencil-y as Eric Cantor).

  28. fuflans

    well that's the problem with a 'representative democracy': one man's penis study is another man's invasion of iraq.

  29. MissTaken

    I wonder how much of the TVC money Andrew Lafferty spent on her six months of researching the research on penis size? I'm sure the batteries on her vibrator alone must've been a pretty penny.

      1. MissTaken

        Gas-powered, yowser! And I thought I stepped up to the big leagues with my cordless rechargeable

  30. DashboardBuddha

    OT: In William Manchester's excellent Goodbye Darkness he relates a conversation he had with a Navy corpsman who had to do a "short arm" inspection. "I still have nightmares", he said hollowly. "All I can see is cocks cocks, millions of cocks swarming around me."

    1. zhubajie

      Many of them diseased, I'm sure. My step-mother typed up medical records for men being demobilized at the end of WW II. They'd all had a dose….

  31. hollywooddood

    i like living in a country where life, liberty and the pursuit of gay penises still matters.

  32. smitallica

    I have a simple rule of thumb: If the organization has "Family" or "Values" in the name, you can guarantee that organization is made up entirely of batshit religious wackadoodles.

  33. baconzgood

    ARE YOU SHITTING ME? One of those sites is called "".


  34. BlueStateLibel

    This is as bad as that turtle Web site, maybe worse!!! How are we going to keep invading the world when we're throwing away money on stuff like this? Bah, you libruls.

  35. DaSandman

    Ah, we all know that eventually "Doctor" Bachmann would be writing a scholarly paper for Gay Thrill Hammer Quarterly

  36. succalina

    Andrea Lafferty, aka Andrea Sheldon, is the daughter of Lou Sheldon, the president of TVC. And if you've ever met Andrea, she wears more pancake makeup than Ronald McDonald, low-cut cheetah print out fits, and the highest fucking high heels I have ever seen. Yes, Andrea is a tranny, and she doesn't want whatever's left of her naughty bits to be measured.

  37. BaldarTFlagass

    Yo! Andrea Lafferty! I'm Dirk Diggler! I'm the star! It's my big dick and I say when we roll!

  38. Wadisay

    There would be a lot more right wing commentary on this were it not for the fact that they get half way through typing "analysis" and their eyes mist over.

  39. Callyson

    A Traditional Values Coalition release stated that at least $9.4 million went to a 10-year study that included the penis-size research — but Parsons said it appears that references a much broader "post-doctoral training program" of which the penis-study funding was a "small" part.
    Now I know why all the post – docs I know are not happy people…

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, if we're going with dong songs, may as well whip out this gem:
      Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
      Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
      It's swell to have a stiffy.
      It's divine to own a dick,
      From the tiniest little tadger
      To the world's biggest prick.
      So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
      Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
      Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
      Your Percy, or your cock.
      You can wrap it up in ribbons.
      You can slip it in your sock,
      But don't take it out in public,
      Or they will stick you in the dock,
      And you won't come back.

  40. Callyson

    And another gem from FOX:
    The original survey had a relatively high response rate — with 83 percent of those approached agreeing to participate. "As an incentive, those who completed the survey were given a voucher for free admission to a movie," the study said.
    Here's hoping the participants saw one of the following cinematic triumphs:
    A Clockwork Orgy
    The San Francisco 69ers vs. The Green Bay Butt Packers
    Bi-Curious George
    Sex Trek: Penetrations
    The Iron Giant Vibrator
    Beverly Hills 9021-Ho!
    (thanks to some guy who posts to Boston's Yelp for the list…)

  41. fartknocker

    Just so ya know, Mrs. Fartknocker is happy with my package and performance. I am even happier when she get's naked and rides me like carnival pony.

    Oh, did I tell you that these Traditional Family Coalition folks need to focus on more important things besides the NIH trying to have a better understanding of how STDs are transmitted among same-male couples? Like, for example, they have been labeled by the Southern Poverty Law Center as a hate group? As an organization, they have way too many issues to be considered to be nothing more than tin-foil hat wearing group who is on a Rupert Murdock tee-vee show.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      "I am even happier when she get's naked and rides me like carnival pony. "


    2. Negropolis

      I am even happier when she get's naked and rides me like carnival pony.

      That's hot.

  42. DahBoner

    Who knew that Wingnuts were capable of learning how to type?

    No one can explain it…

  43. DashboardBuddha

    It's like my gay friends always say…fuckin' right wingers think more about gay sex than the gays themselves.

    1. PristineODummy

      I'm tellin' ya! I have been in many a roomful of complete and total gay WHORES who don't talk about gaysex as much as RWNJs do.

  44. mrblifil

    Great, now not only is my larger than average penis not large enough, it's not gay enough either. What am I supposed to do about that last part?

  45. HedonismBot

    I wish I had more money to spend on "wacky stuff." A dime bag doesn't go too far these days.

  46. Rotundo_

    Hasn't there been some dumbass study on the effectiveness of prayer on illness that someone can dig up as a reply to this? Okay, gay schlong dimensioning and its relation to HIV transmission may seem like a waste of money to these people, but I am sure that the government has pissed away millions on "faith based" charity or education money that would make this look like a penny cup in a 7-11. Of course it is a welcome diversion for FOX if there are a bunch of christians with their titties in a flap over gay penises. It takes the rather bright sunlight off Ruperts' great hacking adventures for the moment. OH! LOOK! SHINY GAY PENISES!!!1!!!!

  47. x111e7thst

    But did the gay dongs in the study belong to beautiful young men wearing nazi uniforms? This is something the average tea-tard desperately needs to know.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      "People say, 'Have a good one!' I already have a good one. I need a long one."

      – George Carlin

      1. SaintRond

        I just don't see how having a big dick keeps someone from waking up with a hacking cough and cursing the light. Unless you care about giving someone orgasms, and who cares about that? I'd rather be getting off with a two inch dick than getting someone else off with my ten inches.

      1. WinterOuthouse

        I can't think of one sane woman that wouldn't want to stroke their way through your enchanted forest.

  48. SilverTsunami

    "Part of the 2006 grant. . ."


    Wait. . . who was president then? 'cause I don't think it was the current guy.

    1. PristineODummy

      Someone with a slightly more bent sort of bent. See, e.g., Jeff Gannon/James Guckert/that GAY BALD guy.

  49. Warpde

    Ohhh! I actually read the 2009 study.
    51, 3 kid's and now I find out I'm Gay?
    Oh my God!!!!!
    My wife is gonna be pissed.
    Although it may explain my fixation with anal sex.

    1. PristineODummy

      Wait — does your wife know about your fixation with teh butt-sechs?

      Because, if not, you may have more problems than you think.

  50. Negropolis

    David Cameron is one doughy motherfucker, isn't he? And, the dude before him looked like an Scottish caveman. You see, you subjects, this is why you need to popular elect your prime ministers.

  51. mumbly_joe

    The abstract for that study is pretty epic, in all honest. An exerpt:

    Penis size was positively related to satisfaction with size and inversely related to lying about penis size (all p < .01).

    In other news, water is wet, sun rises in east (all p < .01)

  52. superdave

    I have never been more proud to be an NIH scientist.

    And if the only thing to come out of this research is that the wingers go apeshit, it is still money well spent.

  53. rheaseo

    My guess is this research was examining risk factors and pressures that may lead gay men to engage in riskier sexual behaviors (i.e. sex without a condom or being bottom) which increases the likelihood of contracting AIDS, which is one of the categories for the funding. gynecomastia treatment

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