flotus files

FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees

That's MRS. Flotus to you...Michelle Obama is taking a nap right now because, haven’t you heard, she ate herself into a coma last week. Somewhere, a couple of news desk interns are very proud of themselves, because their cranky, jaded editor shouted, “HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A HAMBURGER?” and they got out their little calculators as fast as they could, to add “Ruined Michelle Obama’s day” to their useless resumés. Of course, our FLOTUS can easily bounce back from any non-scandal, maybe because she has Harry Potter on her side or because she is a magazine model, but mostly because no one actually cares about what Michelle Obama eats for lunch, especially Michelle Obama, who is busy implementing the next phase of her anti-obesity campaign, which involves bees.

So our FLOTUS ate at Shake Shack last week and opinions were formed. “What are your thoughts on Michelle Obama’s meal at Shake Shack?” is now the divisive issue of our time, and will probably be the first question in the next round of GOP debates (“Not enough pizza, too many Muslims” will be Herman Cain’s answer, etc.). Or at least, it is a divisive issue for columnists, not so much for sane human beings, according to this Washington Post poll:

the anusburger experts have spoken

In summary, this lunch thing is very silly especially when there are more serious subjects at hand, like why has no one noticed that Michelle Obama’s White House garden is guarded by an army of killer bees, probably African?

Another reveal: daughter Malia is scared of bees and did not want a beehive set up next to Mrs. Obama’s garden on the South Lawn. The bee hive is there to make it an easy commute for the pollinators.

Malia “was not happy about the fact that we were going to have a beehive–she’s terrified of bees,” Mrs. Obama said.

The bees are an important part of our FLOTUS’ campaign to end childhood obesity. When children do not eat their vegetables, they are to be dragged kicking and screaming into the garden, covered in honey and pollen. [WaPo/Chicago Sun-Times]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) blogs and obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke
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    1. BornInATrailer

      I'd like to think, figuratively speaking, she already has. Well, a secrit Muslin anyways.

  1. OneDollarJuana

    Clearly, Malia's fear of bees has sent the FLOTUS on an insect-eradication rampage. I believe Michelle Obama is behind beehive collapse syndrome.

    1. PristineODummy

      Sarah's hair *has* looked a lot flatter since her first exposure to the FLOTUS.

  2. SexySmurf

    Did FLOTUS also get dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

  3. BarackMyWorld

    Those votes only add up to 99%. Now, you could say that's because of rounding, but I'm blaming it on librul bias.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, when Fox reported the results of this WaPo poll, the results were a much more realistic 38% "Who gives a flying fuck?", 49% "No, relax", and 92% "Yes it was a horrible thing for her to eat that hamburger."

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Faux News is processing the other 182% of the votes, and will release the results tonight.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      It's not even a real poll. It's just one of those things where you call the number and push 2 for the second option, etc.

      The crappy little local daily paper in my town does this everyday. I think they call the feature "What Bored Old White People With Too Much Time On Their Hands Think*"

      *A non-scientific survey

      1. V572 der Plaatz

        A pet peeve. An "unscientific poll" is like a "vodka martini." Not really a martini, not really a poll.

  4. ChessieNefercat

    I love our wonderful FLOTUS and anyone who says or writes incredibly stupid things about her (I'm looking at you WaPo) is just a stupid head.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I love her unconditionally, as well ChessieNefercat, she has many things which I covet , in no particular order, her arms, her clothes allowance, her height, her children and her husband.

    2. PristineODummy

      My idea of "died and went to heaven" would be a three-way with BOTH of them. Yum.

  5. WinterOuthouse

    Excellent parenting skills and desensitization therapy in one. Way to go Michele.

    1. SarcasticNymph

      Malia and Sasha won't be getting pregnant before they've finished graduate school, started their careers, and married the princes of the realm. Nor will they be caught using drugs or selling meth. Or preaching abstinence.

    1. zhubajie

      Deep fried baby bees are pretty good — crunchy like cheetos, but nowhere near as fattening! High in protein, too.

  6. metamarcisf

    Most of us are missing the point. The issue is not whether the first lady broke the law by eating a cheeseburger for lunch – that fact is not in question. The issue is whether she lied about it under oath to congress.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      It's always the coverup that gets them. In this case, some dijon and a sesame-seed bun.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      According to Boehner, cheese is not an option, not on the table, and not negotiable.

  7. Barb

    African Killer bees? Kenya just scream? The country is in such dire straits that we had to get cheaper drone weapons and we have to resort to bees. Is Gadaffi dead yet? Nope, but he has a terrible rash from being stung twice.

  8. baconzgood

    I think the FLOTUS is the bees knees.

    Sorry that's all I had…

    Frankly is lamer to write a story about her eating a cheese burgher, fill out the survey, OR write about a story about her eating lunch and a survey about it? OR to snark on it?!?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      As a magazine model, she looks pretty good in a beehive hairdo, too.

      Aw, what the hell, she just looks good, period.

      1. baconzgood

        I know. It's been a while since this country had a First Lady that men want to bone.

    2. PristineODummy

      Yeah, well, it was all I had, too, but did that stop you from wresting it out of my sad and lonely paws? NO!!!

      When did we last have a FLOTUS who combined such earthy wisdom with intelligence, charm, knockout looks, and class? I'm seriously in love with this woman (which doesn't stop me from wanting to hump her leg or her husband's, but hey, I never said *I* had class.)

  9. ManchuCandidate

    That was a Chickenshit article from a chickenshit paper.

    Actually, chickenshit is useful as fertilizer and an ingredient in explosives. I don't know what the WaPo is good for these days.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        I don't even think Dana Milbank, Richard Cohen, and Charles Krauthammer qualify for that polite term.

    1. finallyhappy

      Seriously, chickenshit is too" hot" as a fertilizer and has to be mixed with other things. Probably it ends up a lot in Chicken nuggets.

  10. Callyson

    If Malia doesn't want the beehive in the White House lawn, there's a town in Michigan…
    Dogs vs. Bees: it's on!

  11. Serolf_Divad

    Yes, Michelle Obama is a hypocrite, because as everybody knows: living a healthy lifestlye means never, ever, ever, ever eating anything other than baked tofu squares and plain-yogurt-and-barley shakes for the rest of your miserable existence.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      I bought some rye crackers this week that are full of nutrition, and I feel like I'm punishing myself when I eat them. ("Well, I guess you're grounded, little missy," I say to myself. Chomp.) The dog won't eat them but on the bright side if I forget to wrap them in this heat wave they'll get stale and I can legitimately throw them out.

      1. PristineODummy

        I usually spread cream cheese thinly on them, top with paper-thin slices of lox, a little salmon roe, slivered green onions or chives. I mean, really, they're just an excuse to slather on the good stuff, yaknow. Sump'n's gotta hold the cream cheese.

      1. PristineODummy

        I LIKE rice cakes! But you have to slather them in hummus tahini and top with finely slivered chillies, green onions, or sliced raw garlic, roasted red peppers, a little tomato paste — good stuff!

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Yeah, saw that on the Daily Show…gee… pure coincidence they chose that mammal, huh?

      (COON! GET IT? COOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!)

      1. PristineODummy

        American Chinese friend went to Guangdong to visit relatives and said he ate it there. Or maybe he meant "raccoon dog," I forget. He recommended it highly. Given their diet, though, ugh.

    1. finallyhappy

      Really elitist because Shake Shack uses actually dairy products. I don't think there are any DQs in that part of DC- Hardees- I don't even know where any Hardees are around here

  12. not that Dewey

    I believe the "bee question" was already settled during the twitter town hall

    Also, too, I object to Politico's characterization of Michelle Obama as a "muggle". They really haven't been paying attention, have they?

  13. ifthethunderdontgetya

    I clicked on a USA Today article yesterday (I know, I KNOW!), and the wingnutzi were all inflamed by the 'hamburger hypocrisy'.

    These people make sheep look like bold and creative thinkers.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "These people make sheep look like bold and creative thinkers."

      And sheep are supposed to have sex with sheep.

    2. GOPCrusher

      "Michelle ate a hamburger" will become the "Clinton got a blowjob" of the 21st century.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Well you'll notice that you never see any fat beekeepers. Probably because most beekeepers are starving to death, but that's a separate matter.

  15. hagajim

    I hear bee stings are the newest way to help you shed cellulite from eating too many hamburgers at the Shake Shack.

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    I think an intervention, featuring a friendly Killer Bee from Saturday Night Live, is what Malia requires.

  17. KeepFnThatChicken

    I'm glad this story was written. Things have been so bad in the recent headlines, I almost forgot there was an intact African American family in the White House, replete with normal childhood dreams and fears.

    Beat that, you goddamn Russkies.

  18. MissTaken

    Malia “was not happy about the fact that we were going to have a beehive–she’s terrified of bees,” Mrs. Obama said.

    My mom did the exact same thing to me growing up – I'm completely terrified of clowns and my Mom thought it would be cool to decorate the spare bedroom with them. Even now if I have to stay at my parent's I'm stuck in the clown room and I have nightmares every fucking time. Thanks Mom!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "BEEP BEEP Richie! They ALL float down here. When you're down here with us, you'll float too!"

    2. ChessieNefercat

      Marionettes are just as skin-crawly as clowns. I don't care if they have been around for centuries and are an art form, they just ooze 1920's Berlin at its creepiest to me.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Something tells me you didn't like them long before you knew what was going on in 1920's Berlin.

  19. MLHencken

    Such bullshit. Now, if they caught her smoking some Newports and drinking O.E. 800, THAT would be something. Something very racist!

    But our FLOTUS is far too virtuous for that.

  20. Goonemeritus

    Can any life form be more socialist than Bee’s with their communal living, no private property and such? Now we see the true evil face of their dastardly plan writ small.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      not to mention their insistence on using interpretive dance as a form of communication! Fucking elitists!

    2. ChessieNefercat

      "… dastardly plan writ small."

      Well, it had to be writ small, look how tiny their wee legs (arms?) are. Imagine the pens.

      1. PristineODummy

        For a minute there, I thought you said "Imagine the penis," and was faithfully complying.


        1. ChessieNefercat

          Oh go right ahead and imagine a penis if you like, but probably not a bee's, right?

    3. Cicada

      Not to mention their all-female workforce and sad, emasculated males. And by emasculated, I mean their entire penis and guts are ripped out during sex. It's Andrea Dworkin's wet dream!

  21. Steverino247

    A Shake Shack lunch is a terrible thing to waste.

    Give to the Satiated Negro Lunch Fund. Thank you.

  22. ChessieNefercat

    And what is with these stupid polls lately? I don't mean thorough, serious polls designed to present an accurate perspective regarding the views and policies of, say, presidential candidates.

    I mean the idiotic ones that ask people to vote on something that their vote can't affect. After a burger has been eaten, or a defendant acquitted, here come the votes. If the WaPo vote showed that Michelle had no business eating the burger, what was she supposed to do, stick her finger down her throat and hork it up on the nightly news?

    Vote! Should Casey Anthony go free? Well, like it or not, that vote doesn't matter. The 12 people who count did not convict her.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Has he stopped crying about the fact that Blanche Lincoln won her primary challenge?

    1. SmutBoffin

      If, as I presume, the movie is made completely from archival footage and Breitbart interviews (which only cost ya a cheap bottle of scotch), then it was probably profitable. In the strictest sense.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Shouldn't the Fox Nation website title be "Palin Film Opens Strong, Theatres Hacked"?

      1. GOPCrusher

        I'm sure that James O'Keefe or Faux Noise are working on the video documentation of the millions that stampeded movie theaters to see the film epic.

        1. SorosBot

          "See, Sarah Palin's fans like to wear those robes and hold those wands to symbolize, uh, how she took on the old boys club."

  23. NorthStarSpanx

    Michelle, why couldn't you just give Sarah that "Sputnut" moment she thinks the real American public so desperately craves?

    1. El Pinche

      Michelle has never tried Sarah's SlimJim loaf served with a round of Seagram's Methbilly Blue wine coolers.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        A steady diet such as you have described would explain just about everything in that clan of addled, nasty-ass, grifting Kallikak family offshoots.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    Hey, if no Fair and Balanced network brought the issue up, then clearly it wasn't newsworthy. That's how papers break news, right — by following the lead of other organizations? I mean, where would Woodward and Bernstein have gotten their explosive revelations about Watergate if not by reading about it on FoxNation?

  25. ttommyunger

    When little Ricky Santorum hears about all this cross-pollinization going on behind the White House he's gonna say Michelle's got some "splainin to do".

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Not to you, Ricky boy. Go ahead, pick on Michelle. You want the President to get angry at you, is that it? Hmm? Sorry, I don't think either one of them is going to help you out with whatever is squirming around in your creepy head.

      1. ttommyunger

        Don't know what it is, don't want to know, but I'm sure it ain't pretty or “G” Rated.

      1. ttommyunger

        I think he is alert to the problem of any creature having fun with its naughty bits.

  26. mavenmaven

    Actually, Malia was scared not of bees but of inveterate downfister/hater Spanky2b, who keeps posting scary comments about her.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I hope he wasn't found dead in the same forest that David Kelly allegedly killed himself — that would look odd.

    2. GOPCrusher

      They could have at least waited for a couple of weeks, so things didn't look so suspicious.
      Now they have a murder investigation to deal with too.

    3. soojank

      The police* are saying that the death isn't suspicious, but I'm going to consider this really fucking suspicious until 100% proven otherwise.

      * wait, weren't the police in on the whole phone hacking thing, also?

  27. Limeylizzie

    It's my birthday today, me, Nelson Mandela, Clifford Odets and Red Skelton, and i think I am taking myself to Shake Shack on the UWS for a light snack, as i had to come to NYC for an audition and MrLimeylizzie is still in Chicago ,so I am without a date for the said snack.

    1. nounverb911

      Happy birthday!

      I think Shake Shack has an iphone ap with the various wait times on it.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I thought you were in NYC,no? I will be back in Chicago on Saturday, enjoy that insane weather.

        1. fuflans

          no i'm mostly chicago and LA.

          yeah it's hotter than the proverbial witch's tit and i'm in a show partially performed under a plastic tarp.

          1. fuflans

            camus – misnderstanding (absurdist theatre under plastic in a loft. It doesn't get more chicago crazy than that… Still, better than my last corporate job which was really absurdist hell).

    1. DangerHelvetica

      First person to make a Wicker Man reference gets a punch in the mouth from Nick Cage wearing a bear suit.

      1. Cicada

        I hear the FLOTUS' burger was burned. You'd think Shake Shack would be more careful…. HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!?

  28. DahBoner

    Sorry, but I just ate a Green Chile Cheeseburger with pineapple coleslaw @ Spark's in Hatch and man, was that puppy dripping with juices.

    How many calories?

    Who knows, but the green chile decreases transport time through the gut…

  29. fuflans

    my great grandmother used to put honey on my grandfather's hands and give him a feather to play with. this was so her cocktail hour would remain uninterrupted.

    she was fondly known in family circles as a bitch.

  30. PristineODummy

    Ah, yes. Yet another reason to despise those slimy little bastards. Katie Graham's doing a corkscrew in her grave.

  31. DemonicRage

    Shake Shack (Danny Meyer restaurant in little park on 23rd St. in Manhattan) has replicated itself in D.C.? These hamburgers don't count as forbidden treats. They are not drippy, like the ones at 5 Napkins Hamburgers, or most that come off of the griddle in nondescript luncheonettes.

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