Senile Obama Is Very Excited For His Senior Citizen Discounts

What happened to that handsome young gentleman who was elected president back in 2008? He would hang out on the beach, shirtless, providing lots of wallpaper material for Marcus Bachmann's likely collection of secret dungeons. Oh, this Obama is gone now, and has been replaced by a grumpy old curmudgeon who is literally counting the days until he can start getting discounts at the Applebee’s, even though his numeracy skills are not what they used to be. “I’m going to be turning 50 in a week,” old man Barack Obama said today, three weeks before his birthday. Err, silly misunderstanding – the Kenyan calendar is different than the American one.

So Barack Obama can’t remember his own birthday. Whatever, he is stressed out and Michelle took away all his junk food and cigarettes, again. He is also just really excited about being old!

"You know, I'm going to be turning 50 in a week, so I'm starting to think a little bit more about Medicare eligibility," Obama said while discussing a possible deal to reduce the debt.

Actually, the big day is Aug. 4 -- three weeks from yesterday.

(That's four days after the Treasury Department says it will lose borrowing authority unless Obama and congressional Republicans strike a deal to raise the $14.3 trillion debt ceiling.)

"Yeah, I'm going to get my AARP card soon," Obama said. "And the discounts."

What kind of discounts is President Obama looking for? Does he have a lot of car rental needs? And why can’t he even remember his daughter’s birthday?

Late last month, Obama described daughter Malia as being 13 years old, a week before her actual birthday.

Hey, it's easy to lose track of the days when you've got a lot on your mind.

Nonsense. SHOW US THE MALIA BIRTH CERTIFICATE. [ USA Today ]