Faded reality-teevee grandma Sarah Palin was hoping her remaining fans — other bitter middle-aged white people who expect to get rich without working — would flock to the premiere of the new two-hour commercial/home movie about Sarah Palin. But in the Republican stronghold of Orange County, California, one of only ten theaters nationwide to release the propaganda last night had exactly one person in the audience. And that person was only there to write Harry Potter jokes about it, for The Atlantic. You see, last night was also the premiere of the last Harry Potter movie. And once again, the sexy powers of Witchcraft have obliterated the boring world of angry old unemployed people complaining about the Negro.
The Harry Potter saga is an exciting series of children’s books all about the importance of completing your education, having a community of loyal friends, wearing fancy school uniforms and defeating the greedy devil monsters. The Sarah Palin saga is about dumb white trash backstabbing their way into becoming greedy devil monsters. In this way, the stories are somewhat similar, but the audiences could not be more different. For example, the midnight showings of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 brought in $43.5 million. And the midnight showing of Sarah Palin’s Undefeated comedy brought in … twenty dollars, we guess?
Conor Friedersdorf of The Atlantic braved the empty theater showing the gross Palin thing while 5,000 happy costumed Harry Potter fans enjoyed hawt wizard teen-sex nocturnal emissions in the packed theaters all around him:
I realized that most people present were dressed in costume. The crowd was either showing ironic solidarity with Christine O’Donnell, the tea party candidate who is not a witch, or else everyone was there to see the Harry Potter movie playing on a majority of the theater’s 30 screens. Without any way of telling Palin moviegoers from Potter fans dressed up like muggles, I’d have to pay, go to the assigned theater, and look for interviewees.
I hurried through the teenage hordes, bypassed a concession stand that sold 1,020 calories of soda for $5.25, and entered theater number 30, hoping I’d have ample time before the previews to talk to some people. But inside, the theater was empty. I sat there alone for 20 minutes, at which point an usher stuck his head in the door, gave me a quizzical smile, and said, “How come you’re not watching Harry Potter?” Then he left me by myself again, and without any good answer.
Two young ladies did join him in the otherwise empty theater, for a few minutes, because the Harry Potter showings were all sold out and they quaintly assumed The Undefeated must at least be some kind of new action movie involving Megan Fox double-teamed by giant robots, but this was not the case. So the young ladies left, just like the starbursts that once danced from Sarah Palin’s aging, myopic eyes. Voldemort was defeated, Amen. [The Atlantic]