Repello Muggletum

Harry Potter Teen Devil Magic Annihilates Sarah Palin Home Movie

Hogwarts welcomes multi-cultural students, even from Kenya! This is another way the HP stories are so different than exurban Tea Party old-people America.Faded reality-teevee grandma Sarah Palin was hoping her remaining fans — other bitter middle-aged white people who expect to get rich without working — would flock to the premiere of the new two-hour commercial/home movie about Sarah Palin. But in the Republican stronghold of Orange County, California, one of only ten theaters nationwide to release the propaganda last night had exactly one person in the audience. And that person was only there to write Harry Potter jokes about it, for The Atlantic. You see, last night was also the premiere of the last Harry Potter movie. And once again, the sexy powers of Witchcraft have obliterated the boring world of angry old unemployed people complaining about the Negro.

The Harry Potter saga is an exciting series of children’s books all about the importance of completing your education, having a community of loyal friends, wearing fancy school uniforms and defeating the greedy devil monsters. The Sarah Palin saga is about dumb white trash backstabbing their way into becoming greedy devil monsters. In this way, the stories are somewhat similar, but the audiences could not be more different. For example, the midnight showings of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 brought in $43.5 million. And the midnight showing of Sarah Palin’s Undefeated comedy brought in … twenty dollars, we guess?

Conor Friedersdorf of The Atlantic braved the empty theater showing the gross Palin thing while 5,000 happy costumed Harry Potter fans enjoyed hawt wizard teen-sex nocturnal emissions in the packed theaters all around him:

I realized that most people present were dressed in costume. The crowd was either showing ironic solidarity with Christine O’Donnell, the tea party candidate who is not a witch, or else everyone was there to see the Harry Potter movie playing on a majority of the theater’s 30 screens. Without any way of telling Palin moviegoers from Potter fans dressed up like muggles, I’d have to pay, go to the assigned theater, and look for interviewees.

I hurried through the teenage hordes, bypassed a concession stand that sold 1,020 calories of soda for $5.25, and entered theater number 30, hoping I’d have ample time before the previews to talk to some people. But inside, the theater was empty. I sat there alone for 20 minutes, at which point an usher stuck his head in the door, gave me a quizzical smile, and said, “How come you’re not watching Harry Potter?” Then he left me by myself again, and without any good answer.

Two young ladies did join him in the otherwise empty theater, for a few minutes, because the Harry Potter showings were all sold out and they quaintly assumed The Undefeated must at least be some kind of new action movie involving Megan Fox double-teamed by giant robots, but this was not the case. So the young ladies left, just like the starbursts that once danced from Sarah Palin’s aging, myopic eyes. Voldemort was defeated, Amen. [The Atlantic]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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224 comments

  1. Barb

    I'm pretty sure she won't topple the awesome "Ishtar" box office ratings with her undefeated infomercial.

    1. CapeClod

      If Murdoch wants to avoid the authorities, he now has the perfect hiding spot. In theaters showing "Undefeated."

  2. memzilla

    Since this is the last movie of the Harry Potter series, we can only assume that Daniel Radcliffe was so enthralled by Mooselini that he decided to quit, too.

    1. PsycWench

      Actually, Rowlings quit. Radcliffe probably could have fought/kissed/talked back to Snape for one more movie.

  3. orygoon

    Why do I have the feeling that this flick will have a sequel, even though it is a spectacular flop?

  4. V572 der Plaatz

    Hi Ken! Great to hear from you!

    Are there really 30-plex theaters in the O C? Isn't it awful enough there?

    1. Ken Layne

      Hello! And yes, the only architectural monuments of non-coastal Orange County are the megaplex/shopping mall/furniture store/Buca di Beppo/40 acre parking lots.

      1. OkieDokieDog

        I hope there's plenty of Big Box Baptist churches there. If not you can have some or all of the ones in Oklahoma.

          1. V572 der Plaatz

            Home of the Crystal Cathedral, by golly! So sad on the Wiki:

            On October 18, 2010, the board of the Crystal Cathedral filed for bankruptcy in Santa Ana, California.The church has received offers for the building from a real estate investment group and from Chapman University, both with the provision of being leased back to the church.
            On July 3, 2011, local newspapers and other outlets reported that Robert H. Schuller had been voted off the church's board of trustees by the other board members.

            They're even foreclosing on Yahweh!

          2. GunToting[Redacted]

            I would purchase said edifice and turn it into the world's largest tittie bar. C'MON PowerBall!!!

          3. GOPCrusher

            Wouldn't even have to change the name, because The Crystal Cathedral would be a great tittie bar name.

          4. zhubajie

            I'm hoping the Aga Khan or the Dalai Lama buy it! If it became a Shi'ite mosque, fundies coast-to-coast would shit themselves to death, which would be good for the rest of us! If it became a Tibetan Buddhist temple, well, they are usually decorated with giant paintings of the various boddhisattvas fucking!

  5. Nopantsmcgee

    If Sarah isn't deep throating a zucchini in this flix, and/or getting a mud facial, there's no point in seeing it whatsoever.

    1. PsycWench

      I'm interested in candidates for the groveling, cowardly sidekick Peter Pettigrew aka Wormtail. Anyone from Fox News could work.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Halfway through, the house lights come up and the film stops. "Thanks for coming, but we're just going to end things here. I know it's not the actual end of the film, but that's all you'll get from us. If you buy another ticket, we'll screen the film from this point to the end, but not from the beginning, and certainly not the whole thing from start to finish. Rubes."

  6. qwerty42

    From one of Friedersdorf's last grafs:

    Shortly before the end of the film, a young couple entered, walked to the back row, started making out, then interrupted their session and left (spoiler alert) as Andrew Breitbart, who made one of several guest appearances, started talking about eunuchs. Then I was alone again, working. Instead of researching civil liberties violations, or the war in Libya, or the contest to elect the next president of the United States, I was both a journalist and the only member of the public willfully paying attention to Sarah Palin, as if standing in for the pathologies of my profession. …

    1. ChessieNefercat

      What the hell is it with Palin /Palin's flock and their obsession with the use of emasculating terms when discussing anyone they don't like? She is one sick, twisted weasel.

  7. SexySmurf

    O/T I see Obama's campaign is advertising on a blog that makes fun of retards. I, for one, am offended.

        1. Gleem_McShineys

          DOWN WITH WONKETTE! DOWN WITH OBAMA!

          AND THERE ARE MANY MORE DOWNS WHERE THOSE CAME FROM!

  8. Papa_Uniform

    "….and once again, the sexy powers of Witchcraft have obliterated the boring world of angry old unemployed people complaining about the Negro."

    See, you heathen Wonkettes. There IS a God.

  9. DaSandman

    One audience member too many for that astro turf grifter propaganda as far as I'm concerned.

  10. LesBontemps

    Hmmm, two fairy tales about power-hungry villains. I'd go to the one with better special effects, too.

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        If she had only used some "chin-magick" on Levi that night in the tent, she'd still have her virginity (mostly)!

      1. poncho_pilot

        i hope it's not the part you're implying it is because i can hear this individual saying something like: "i'm going to put Sarah Palin in your Oval Office." just plain tacky, that line.

      1. Respitetini

        She's now the butt of jokes on a Cheezburger site. If that's not a sign she's working on minute 16 or 17, I don't know what is…

    1. 5thstate

      You ( and a few others) are just destroying my attempts and at cynical hipster loucheness.

      I actually cackled with glee at your comment. . .

  11. freakishlywrong

    See..See..I would have gone to Undefeated if I"d known you were supposed to wear costumes. . The opportunity for hilarity is limitless. I say we make this the new Rocky Horror, (the Wasilla Horror?) Just cold show up in our bump-its and '"smart" glasses and shit. Just don't pay to see that propaganda, sneak in.

    1. SexySmurf

      I'll show up wearing $100,000 worth of clothes as soon as I can get the Republican Party to pay for them.

    2. SorosBot

      Here I thought The Room was the new Rocky Horror. Come to think of it, Tommy Wisseau's horrible acting might make Triumph of the Quitter more entertaining.

    3. Ancient_Hacker

      Speaking of those glasses, how many folks suspect they're prescription 0 diopters, just to look smarter?

  12. Radiotherapy®

    She must have shot her wad with Nailin' Palin
    Sophomore efforts are typically lame.

        1. user-of-owls

          That's no scope, it's a mirror and a mini-cam, the former so she can always see the center of the universe in real time, the latter so that the rest of us can see it on perpetual loop. Oh, and so she too can see it thus.

  13. Goonemeritus

    The few people wandering in were probably just those over sexed young wizards and witches looking for a more private setting to cast sexy time spells on one another.

    1. SilverTsunami

      Actually, a couple did wander in to make out, but they left before the reporter could politely interrupt and interview them.

    2. Steverino247

      Forgetting that there is infrared surveillance going on in theaters these days to deter people from secretly taping the show and selling copies.

  14. OneYieldRegular

    Aging wizard Sarah Palin sets off in a gaudy vacation bus vowing to destroy the liberal media's horcruxes, or whatever, also, but gives up halfway through her journey just because. However, by failing in the task she set out to accomplish, she manages to hold on proudly to her title as undefeated champion of Quittich. The end.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      & in the race for Alaska Lt. Gov in 2002. & in the selection process for a Senator to fill out Frank Murkowski's term. & I doubt her high-school basketball team never lost.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Had Sarah been allowed to give her speech on Election Nite at Mc Cain's HQ, the Electoral College would have been swayed to unanimous decision in favour of the Mavericks.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      "I know this is obvious, but wasn't she defeated in the last election?"

      Liberal elitist fact nancy!

  15. user-of-owls

    "The movie may tempt even the most ardent conservatives to emulate their idol’s tenure as Governor and walk out halfway through.”

    Richard Corliss, Time

  16. DerrickWildcat

    Well this is weird:

    From Sarah's twitter
    "SarahPalinUSA Sarah Palin
    I haven't seen the final product, but I sure liked the sneak peek and rough cut. I'm looking forward to seeing… http://fb.me/10ydos9fQ
    10 Jun"

    The link ends up like this:
    ""Sarah Palin …"
    This video is no longer available because the YouTube account associated with this video has been terminated due to multiple third-party notifications of copyright infringement from claimants including:

    * Home Box Office
    * The Star-Ledger/NJ.com
    * Midwest 64 Multimedia, LLC

    Sorry about that."

    SARAH WHAT'S HAPPENING!
    Has the libruls taken away your speech freedom again?!

    1. ChessieNefercat

      It would be awesome if the producer of this noisy piece of dreck never bothered to get permission to use Other People's Work.

  17. 5thstate

    At the risk of repeating myself ( actually no risk, I AM repeating myself from the previous Palin Unravelled Thread) I offer these possible volume/episode titles for the Palin canon:

    Sarah Palin and the Goblet of Lies?
    Sarah Palin and the Giblets of Moose?
    Sara Palin and the Prisoner of Alaskaban?
    Sarah Palin and the Half-Baked Alaska?
    Sarah Palin and the Order of Freedom Fries With That Also?
    Sarah Palin and the Chamber of Commerce?

    But as a bonus waste of your time, Palin's fakumentary will no doubt be labelled for DVD release as "The Unwatched"—DVD's make great coasters to protect your photolithographed wood-grain effect .thermal-film melamine coated furniture type products made from the cellulostic tears of rain forests cured with pee (I'm talking about urea, people!–Bear Grylls drinks it ALL THE TIME!)

  18. elviouslyqueer

    Oh Ken, you left out the best part of the article:

    Shortly before the end of the film, a young couple entered, walked to the back row, started making out, then interrupted their session and left (spoiler alert) as Andrew Breitbart, who made one of several guest appearances, started talking about eunuchs.

    Really, even the Onion couldn't make up shit like this.

      1. emmelemm

        Not only would I give the gold star to that title, but your moniker is awesome. Respect.

    1. Negropolis

      "Citizen Pain"

      "Terminator: The Sarah Palin Chronicles"

      "Palin the Barbarian"

      "Thelma & Lou-Sarah"

  19. JustPixelz

    What are you talking about Ken? According to its recently updated Wikipedia page, The Undefeated was SRO everywhere, won twelve Oscars and "defeated" (ha ha) the Harry Potter film.

  20. CapnFatback

    Midnight showing? Well, there's your problem. The average Sarah Palin fan eats dinner at 4 p.m., takes their dessert in pill form at 6:00, watches "The Wheel," and is in bed by 7:30.

  21. OkieDokieDog

    Remember when the 1st book came out and caused such a ruckus in the bible thumper community? There's a local newscaster woman here who is so bible humpy that she wouldn't even touch the book. Like she thought she'd get pagan cooties from it or something.
    I'm sure this bitch was in line to have Palin autograph a copy of her cootie assed crap book.

    1. BlueMonkeh

      The first movie came out for my oldest kid's birthday – so we went to the movie as part of her party. She actually had two friends with parents that wouldn't let them go with us to see the devil & witchcraft movie because their preacher told them so.

      1. tribbzthesquidz

        My oldest kid is nicknamed Harry Potter. It's mostly his corrective eye-wear but he IS kinda spooky. I had extensive battles with my bible-thumping parents over the movies and books a few years back. They are not so worked up about it now.
        I think there are many people who are really starting to question what the preacher tells them to do/think though not nearly enough. And probably not in time enough. Either.

    2. GOPCrusher

      I'm sure that Bible Spice's minions will look upon the release of her movie the same weekend of the Harry Potter movie as a continuation of the war of good vs. evil. And the fact that no one went to see the Bible Spice movie as proof that America has become the land of godless heathens that needs to be saved from ourselves.

    3. zhubajie

      I believe ms. Rawlins (or however you spell it) is the rare church-going Briton. Later books clearly reflect worries about where the War-Against-Terror regime was heading.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Sarah's been fighting the devil and invoking The LORD, the LORD's bastard offspring and the Holy Spirit for so long, it was only a matter of time before the world of fiction got tired of it and rose up against her.

  23. sportshort

    What is this backlash into sanity mean? A return to craziness is just around the corner. Don't ever count a snowbilly grifter out. They just send away for a new magic "Fool 'Em and Rule 'Em" deck of cards.

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm pretty sure that all the Sarah Palin fans quit when they saw the lines at the theater.

  25. thefrontpage

    It's safe to say, though, that the more terrifying creatures, witches and demons were all on screen in the Palin movie.

  26. JoshuaNorton

    I'd like to know what everyone was smoking and/or drinking when this clown car pile-up even remotely sounded like a money making proposition.

  27. EBGrey

    To be fair, this was a midnight showing of "The Undefeated." Palin's supporters have already eaten and are asleep in their trailers by 6:00 pm.

  28. petehammer

    She would have had way more success with:

    Harry Potter and the Half Blood Libel Prince

    1. GOPCrusher

      The unwashed masses just haven't come to appreciate the sheer awesomeness that is, Bible Spice.

  29. ShaveTheWhales

    My memory is blurry (of course), but wasn't HP one of the things that the Alaskunt was hinting about maybe removing from the Wassily library during her mayoral reign?

  30. Come here a minute

    Sarah's people only come see her in person — that "moving picture machine" is pure evil witchcraft!

  31. stew1

    Reportedly the doc sold out (!) in Greenville, Texas…population 46,000! Guess the tractor pull was cancelled.

    1. berkeleyfarm

      It's also been pretty hot in a lot of Texas, and theatres are air-conditioned.

      A commenter on The Immoral Minority said the Grapevine, TX, theatre that "sold out" had about 80 seats, was in a nice A/C mall, and across the street from a mega-church of the kind where pastor would tell you to go or hand out "free tickets".

  32. sati_demise

    The best joke of the article?

    "Shortly before the end of the film, a young couple entered, walked to the back row, started making out, then interrupted their session and left (spoiler alert) as Andrew Breitbart, who made one of several guest appearances, started talking about eunuchs"

  33. fuflans

    this is kinda off topic but last night i saw a gaggle of teens outside a theatre dressed in fairy wings.

    i thought this was weird.

  34. Flat_Earther

    Not a single naked breast and nothing blew up. Who did they think was going to see it?

  35. Captain_Klutz

    It seems that no one wants to see Sarah's new self-promotion doco about her losing and quitting her way to glory, while everybody's just wild about Harry . . . go figure.

  36. comrad_darkness

    Movie is pretty fun, actually. Although it reminded me that I still haven't figured out the ending from the book. Fortunately, this is not important for my day-to-day existence.

    Altho . . . A few too many scenes of Harry in Hogwarts Rubble Boot Camp. But that's my only crit.

    Wait, what were we talking about?

  37. Negropolis

    nocturnal emissions

    at least be some kind of new action movie involving Megan Fox double-teamed by giant robots

    Ken Layne, you are a Wonkette treasure. A 24-carat whore-diamond, if you will.

Comments are closed.