Faded reality-teevee grandma Sarah Palin was hoping her remaining fans — other bitter middle-aged white people who expect to get rich without working — would flock to the premiere of the new two-hour commercial/home movie about Sarah Palin. But in the Republican stronghold of Orange County, California, one of only ten theaters nationwide to release the propaganda last night had exactly one person in the audience. And that person was only there to write Harry Potter jokes about it, for The Atlantic. You see, last night was also the premiere of the last Harry Potter movie. And once again, the sexy powers of Witchcraft have obliterated the boring world of angry old unemployed people complaining about the Negro.
The Harry Potter saga is an exciting series of children’s books all about the importance of completing your education, having a community of loyal friends, wearing fancy school uniforms and defeating the greedy devil monsters. The Sarah Palin saga is about dumb white trash backstabbing their way into becoming greedy devil monsters. In this way, the stories are somewhat similar, but the audiences could not be more different. For example, the midnight showings of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 brought in $43.5 million. And the midnight showing of Sarah Palin’s Undefeated comedy brought in … twenty dollars, we guess?
Conor Friedersdorf of The Atlantic braved the empty theater showing the gross Palin thing while 5,000 happy costumed Harry Potter fans enjoyed hawt wizard teen-sex nocturnal emissions in the packed theaters all around him:
I realized that most people present were dressed in costume. The crowd was either showing ironic solidarity with Christine O’Donnell, the tea party candidate who is not a witch, or else everyone was there to see the Harry Potter movie playing on a majority of the theater’s 30 screens. Without any way of telling Palin moviegoers from Potter fans dressed up like muggles, I’d have to pay, go to the assigned theater, and look for interviewees.
I hurried through the teenage hordes, bypassed a concession stand that sold 1,020 calories of soda for $5.25, and entered theater number 30, hoping I’d have ample time before the previews to talk to some people. But inside, the theater was empty. I sat there alone for 20 minutes, at which point an usher stuck his head in the door, gave me a quizzical smile, and said, “How come you’re not watching Harry Potter?” Then he left me by myself again, and without any good answer.
Two young ladies did join him in the otherwise empty theater, for a few minutes, because the Harry Potter showings were all sold out and they quaintly assumed The Undefeated must at least be some kind of new action movie involving Megan Fox double-teamed by giant robots, but this was not the case. So the young ladies left, just like the starbursts that once danced from Sarah Palin’s aging, myopic eyes. Voldemort was defeated, Amen. [The Atlantic]
{ 224 comments }
I'm pretty sure she won't topple the awesome "Ishtar" box office ratings with her undefeated infomercial.
But she may yet beat Gigli's first weekend take.
Somewhere, Ben Stein laughs sardonically.
It seems she may be even a worse wingnut failure than Atlas Shrugs.
If Murdoch wants to avoid the authorities, he now has the perfect hiding spot. In theaters showing "Undefeated."
Sara Palin: The Heaven's Gate of Politics.
Since this is the last movie of the Harry Potter series, we can only assume that Daniel Radcliffe was so enthralled by Mooselini that he decided to quit, too.
Actually, Rowlings quit. Radcliffe probably could have fought/kissed/talked back to Snape for one more movie.
Kissed Snape? Never would have pictured you for one of those fan fic types.
These insinuations are riddikulus. Boggart libel!
Why do I have the feeling that this flick will have a sequel, even though it is a spectacular flop?
straight to dvd. starring Shannon Tweed, Eric Stoltz, and Ernie Hudson.
spectacular flop
Quit talking about Palin's lady parts, it's gross!
"…like a giant, pink bat." –John Leguizamo
The Unundefeated
Going Rogue:The Musical
Probably they made'm both at once.
NAME does CITY, with guest appearance by Bristol Palin
Revenge of the Undefeated
Return of the Undefeated
Curse of the Undefeated
Friday the Undefeated
Undefeated Down Under
US America Shrugged.
Hi Ken! Great to hear from you!
Are there really 30-plex theaters in the O C? Isn't it awful enough there?
Hello! And yes, the only architectural monuments of non-coastal Orange County are the megaplex/shopping mall/furniture store/Buca di Beppo/40 acre parking lots.
I hope there's plenty of Big Box Baptist churches there. If not you can have some or all of the ones in Oklahoma.
Rick Warren's got ye covered, Orange County.
Home of the Crystal Cathedral, by golly! So sad on the Wiki:
On October 18, 2010, the board of the Crystal Cathedral filed for bankruptcy in Santa Ana, California.The church has received offers for the building from a real estate investment group and from Chapman University, both with the provision of being leased back to the church.
On July 3, 2011, local newspapers and other outlets reported that Robert H. Schuller had been voted off the church's board of trustees by the other board members.
They're even foreclosing on Yahweh!
If Sarah isn't deep throating a zucchini in this flix, and/or getting a mud facial, there's no point in seeing it whatsoever.
All of America, and especially dermatologists, hate her.
All Pain's followers need now is a big pile of money…
It would make sense to cast Sarah Palin as Voldemort's wife.
Crazy Eyes Bachmann as Bellatrix?
I vote for Mrs. "The Other Mother" McCain.
that's the part i wanted to play.
damn helena bonham carter.
I'm interested in candidates for the groveling, cowardly sidekick Peter Pettigrew aka Wormtail. Anyone from Fox News could work.
well i could certainly see her splitting her soul for immortality.
I guess the theaters will have no choice but to QUIT showing it.
Don't Retreat; Reload!
Don't Retreat; Rewind!
Don't Retreat,, Retwat, i mean Retweet
Halfway through, the house lights come up and the film stops. "Thanks for coming, but we're just going to end things here. I know it's not the actual end of the film, but that's all you'll get from us. If you buy another ticket, we'll screen the film from this point to the end, but not from the beginning, and certainly not the whole thing from start to finish. Rubes."
From one of Friedersdorf's last grafs:
…
Shortly before the end of the film, a young couple entered, walked to the back row, started making out, then interrupted their session and left (spoiler alert) as Andrew Breitbart, who made one of several guest appearances, started talking about eunuchs. Then I was alone again, working. Instead of researching civil liberties violations, or the war in Libya, or the contest to elect the next president of the United States, I was both a journalist and the only member of the public willfully paying attention to Sarah Palin, as if standing in for the pathologies of my profession. …
I'm guessing that's not the first time Andy has killed someone's boner.
So long as he doesn't kill Riley's, all is right with America.
What the hell is it with Palin /Palin's flock and their obsession with the use of emasculating terms when discussing anyone they don't like? She is one sick, twisted weasel.
She's a mink, dammit!
So Breitbart is a eunuch? Or is he into eunuchs, like Pu Yi was?
O/T I see Obama's campaign is advertising on a blog that makes fun of retards. I, for one, am offended.
It Triggered a response?
That surveyor's mark was turned to cinders.
DOWN WITH WONKETTE! DOWN WITH OBAMA!
AND THERE ARE MANY MORE DOWNS WHERE THOSE CAME FROM!
She can always blame the Lame Stream movie goers.
"….and once again, the sexy powers of Witchcraft have obliterated the boring world of angry old unemployed people complaining about the Negro."
See, you heathen Wonkettes. There IS a God.
And his name is Odin! All hail the One-Eyed King!
Pastafarians, rejoice! His noodley goodness lives!
I'm sure the Lamestream 'Daily Prophet' will be all over this one.
Hogwarts libel!
Hogwarts are toad-uhly awesome.
One audience member too many for that astro turf grifter propaganda as far as I'm concerned.
Hmmm, two fairy tales about power-hungry villains. I'd go to the one with better special effects, too.
Stop talking about Bristle's chin-magick!
If she had only used some "chin-magick" on Levi that night in the tent, she'd still have her virginity (mostly)!
just saw this: http://ugliesttattoos.failblog.org/2011/07/15/fun…
What part of the body is that, because it doesn't look like an arm or a leg?
i hope it's not the part you're implying it is because i can hear this individual saying something like: "i'm going to put Sarah Palin in your Oval Office." just plain tacky, that line.
McCain's cheek has that weird lump, but his balls look even weirder.
McCain should be sentenced to have that tattooed to his face.
"when i asked her to sit on my face i didn't mean forever! no respect!"
Ain't technology great? Someone invented artificial malignment melanoma!
She's now the butt of jokes on a Cheezburger site. If that's not a sign she's working on minute 16 or 17, I don't know what is…
why oh why did i click that?
I only watch train-based wingnut fantasies. Railroads or GTFO!
Wasn't there a train scene in Nailin' Palin?
Straight-to-VD.
You ( and a few others) are just destroying my attempts and at cynical hipster loucheness.
I actually cackled with glee at your comment. . .
If it weren't for all the awesome Wonketteers, I would ju-
See..See..I would have gone to Undefeated if I"d known you were supposed to wear costumes. . The opportunity for hilarity is limitless. I say we make this the new Rocky Horror, (the Wasilla Horror?) Just cold show up in our bump-its and '"smart" glasses and shit. Just don't pay to see that propaganda, sneak in.
I'm just a sweet Trans-Grifter, from Wasilla, Methsylvania.
The Rocky Horror Grifter Show
After losing Celebrity Apprentice, Meat Loaf could use the money.
Creature of the right
Punch-a punch-a punch-a punch me. I wanna feel dirty.
I'll show up wearing $100,000 worth of clothes as soon as I can get the Republican Party to pay for them.
Here I thought The Room was the new Rocky Horror. Come to think of it, Tommy Wisseau's horrible acting might make Triumph of the Quitter more entertaining.
Speaking of those glasses, how many folks suspect they're prescription 0 diopters, just to look smarter?
She must have shot her wad with Nailin' Palin
Sophomore efforts are typically lame.
"From 'I Can See Russia' With Love?"
And the third installment, Gristly Moms.
Does she get nekkid in it? That would scare the mentally balanced audience away.
"The Undefeated" is so bad, one theatre owner called the bomb squad.
"The Undefeated" is so bad it wasn't released, it escaped.
LOL!
I'll have you know that Sarah was an adept student of Defense Against the Dark President when she was in junior college.
Expellio Obamus!
WIN+++++
Brilliant! I'm not kidding! Really excellent! .
You can pick her out in the class picture. She's the one with the scope on her wand.
And the "Kid Who Survived" ended up with a surveyers mark scar on his forehead
That's no scope, it's a mirror and a mini-cam, the former so she can always see the center of the universe in real time, the latter so that the rest of us can see it on perpetual loop. Oh, and so she too can see it thus.
Obama can use this one: Dismissiouss Ignoramus!
Awesome!
Taught at her church's Sunday school!
Does Sarah quit halfway through the movie?
Too easy
and yet, it HAD to be said. Bravery points for YOU!
Haha, she's done like fucking dinner. I'd be embarrassed for her but my Schadenfreude is strong today so fuck her in her icy stank hole.
How much do I love icy stank hole, fantastique!
There was a much better crowd for "The Quislings: Return of the Magic Negro."
So you could legally yell fire in that theater.
Maybe not, but you can definitely call bullshit
Obviously this is the work of Satan to keep Palin down.
The few people wandering in were probably just those over sexed young wizards and witches looking for a more private setting to cast sexy time spells on one another.
Until Breitbutt cast his Expellius Boner!
Actually, a couple did wander in to make out, but they left before the reporter could politely interrupt and interview them.
Forgetting that there is infrared surveillance going on in theaters these days to deter people from secretly taping the show and selling copies.
Yeah baby..I do in fact have a magic wand.
No private rooms to rent for private encounters?
I thought, "Horrible Bosses" was getting pretty good reviews.
Harry should stick his wand up Palin's ass.
And pull the trigger until it goes click.
Orange County is evidently not part of Real America.
It's a blighted , rich, ridiculous shit hole, if that's what you mean.
Aging wizard Sarah Palin sets off in a gaudy vacation bus vowing to destroy the liberal media's horcruxes, or whatever, also, but gives up halfway through her journey just because. However, by failing in the task she set out to accomplish, she manages to hold on proudly to her title as undefeated champion of Quittich. The end.
I know this is obvious, but wasn't she defeated in the last election?
& in the race for Alaska Lt. Gov in 2002. & in the selection process for a Senator to fill out Frank Murkowski's term. & I doubt her high-school basketball team never lost.
2008 was all Juan McCain's fault.
Had Sarah been allowed to give her speech on Election Nite at Mc Cain's HQ, the Electoral College would have been swayed to unanimous decision in favour of the Mavericks.
This is great news for Dirk Nowitzki!
"I know this is obvious, but wasn't she defeated in the last election?"
Liberal elitist fact nancy!
Beaten like a tough steak!
"The movie may tempt even the most ardent conservatives to emulate their idol’s tenure as Governor and walk out halfway through.”
Richard Corliss, Time
Hey look, a movie that actually got worse reviews than Atlas Shrugged.
Sarah Palin is to the performing arts what Jamaca is to bobsledding.
JAMAICAN BOBSLED TEAM 2012!!!
Going downhill really fast?
and chafing on the bottom.
Bobsled libel!
The Unseen. The Unfinished. The Unsane.
I'm guessing 7-Up sent an entire delegation of lawyers up to AK.
Sarah is scraping bottom, yes.
Well this is weird:
From Sarah's twitter
"SarahPalinUSA Sarah Palin
I haven't seen the final product, but I sure liked the sneak peek and rough cut. I'm looking forward to seeing… http://fb.me/10ydos9fQ
10 Jun"
The link ends up like this:
""Sarah Palin …"
This video is no longer available because the YouTube account associated with this video has been terminated due to multiple third-party notifications of copyright infringement from claimants including:
* Home Box Office
* The Star-Ledger/NJ.com
* Midwest 64 Multimedia, LLC
Sorry about that."
SARAH WHAT'S HAPPENING!
Has the libruls taken away your speech freedom again?!
It would be awesome if the producer of this noisy piece of dreck never bothered to get permission to use Other People's Work.
Any chance the movie industry will sue her and take all of her money away?
At the risk of repeating myself ( actually no risk, I AM repeating myself from the previous Palin Unravelled Thread) I offer these possible volume/episode titles for the Palin canon:
Sarah Palin and the Goblet of Lies?
Sarah Palin and the Giblets of Moose?
Sara Palin and the Prisoner of Alaskaban?
Sarah Palin and the Half-Baked Alaska?
Sarah Palin and the Order of Freedom Fries With That Also?
Sarah Palin and the Chamber of Commerce?
But as a bonus waste of your time, Palin's fakumentary will no doubt be labelled for DVD release as "The Unwatched"—DVD's make great coasters to protect your photolithographed wood-grain effect .thermal-film melamine coated furniture type products made from the cellulostic tears of rain forests cured with pee (I'm talking about urea, people!–Bear Grylls drinks it ALL THE TIME!)
Oh Ken, you left out the best part of the article:
Shortly before the end of the film, a young couple entered, walked to the back row, started making out, then interrupted their session and left (spoiler alert) as Andrew Breitbart, who made one of several guest appearances, started talking about eunuchs.
Really, even the Onion couldn't make up shit like this.
Nobody can shrink a hard on like Andrew Breitbart.
Is that why he's so noisy and crabby all the time?
Nah, that's just the side effects from the therapy he had with Marcus Bachmann.
No, because of his chronic crab infestation!
It needs a catchier name; how about "Triumph of the Shrill?"
"Free Beer!"
"You've Got Fail"
"Birth of a Grifter."
"Afterbirth of a Grifter".
Leave Bristol alone!
Quitler-The Final Days?
I bet she's raging in her grifter-bunker even as we speak.
Downfall You Betcha.
Fab!
damn you.
Heaven's Take
Gibberishtar
True Grift
Not only would I give the gold star to that title, but your moniker is awesome. Respect.
The Flim-Flam Woman
Squirmish on the Home Front
Breitbart Wonka and the Eunuch Factory
"Razing Arizona"
"That Darned Cunt"
"Citizen Pain"
"Terminator: The Sarah Palin Chronicles"
"Palin the Barbarian"
"Thelma & Lou-Sarah"
What are you talking about Ken? According to its recently updated Wikipedia page, The Undefeated was SRO everywhere, won twelve Oscars and "defeated" (ha ha) the Harry Potter film.
And thus, Harry Potter's work was done.
Midnight showing? Well, there's your problem. The average Sarah Palin fan eats dinner at 4 p.m., takes their dessert in pill form at 6:00, watches "The Wheel," and is in bed by 7:30.
BTW, Obama as Harry… looks more like a tinted version of the Nerd from Robot Chicken or worse (because he kept hitting on my GF) Urkel.
Remember when the 1st book came out and caused such a ruckus in the bible thumper community? There's a local newscaster woman here who is so bible humpy that she wouldn't even touch the book. Like she thought she'd get pagan cooties from it or something.
I'm sure this bitch was in line to have Palin autograph a copy of her cootie assed crap book.
The first movie came out for my oldest kid's birthday – so we went to the movie as part of her party. She actually had two friends with parents that wouldn't let them go with us to see the devil & witchcraft movie because their preacher told them so.
My oldest kid is nicknamed Harry Potter. It's mostly his corrective eye-wear but he IS kinda spooky. I had extensive battles with my bible-thumping parents over the movies and books a few years back. They are not so worked up about it now.
I think there are many people who are really starting to question what the preacher tells them to do/think though not nearly enough. And probably not in time enough. Either.
I like "cootie assed crap book." Thank you.
I'm sure that Bible Spice's minions will look upon the release of her movie the same weekend of the Harry Potter movie as a continuation of the war of good vs. evil. And the fact that no one went to see the Bible Spice movie as proof that America has become the land of godless heathens that needs to be saved from ourselves.
I believe ms. Rawlins (or however you spell it) is the rare church-going Briton. Later books clearly reflect worries about where the War-Against-Terror regime was heading.
Sarah's been fighting the devil and invoking The LORD, the LORD's bastard offspring and the Holy Spirit for so long, it was only a matter of time before the world of fiction got tired of it and rose up against her.
Today, we are all works of fiction.
What is this backlash into sanity mean? A return to craziness is just around the corner. Don't ever count a snowbilly grifter out. They just send away for a new magic "Fool 'Em and Rule 'Em" deck of cards.
I'm pretty sure that all the Sarah Palin fans quit when they saw the lines at the theater.
They only quit to better prepare themselves for the sequel!!!1!!
It's safe to say, though, that the more terrifying creatures, witches and demons were all on screen in the Palin movie.
I see a comeuppance in her immediate future.
i must buy that doll
I hate to ask, but was Conor Friedersdorf wearing an overcoat with hairy legs showing underneath?
I'd like to know what everyone was smoking and/or drinking when this clown car pile-up even remotely sounded like a money making proposition.
The theatre obviously wasn't hoverround accessable.
To be fair, this was a midnight showing of "The Undefeated." Palin's supporters have already eaten and are asleep in their trailers by 6:00 pm.
1,020 calories of soda for $5.25 is a pretty good deal.
They forgot Palin fans demand boob and car crashes in their movie flicks. Rush Cut!
Bravo.
She would have had way more success with:
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Libel Prince
Okay, you won.
Avada kedavra on your celebrityhood, Dumbelina!
Palinensa vanesca! (waves wand)
And yet, Sarah is still undefeated in her mind.
The unwashed masses just haven't come to appreciate the sheer awesomeness that is, Bible Spice.
My memory is blurry (of course), but wasn't HP one of the things that the Alaskunt was hinting about maybe removing from the Wassily library during her mayoral reign?
Sarah's people only come see her in person — that "moving picture machine" is pure evil witchcraft!
Undefeated just got defeated. HA!
Reportedly the doc sold out (!) in Greenville, Texas…population 46,000! Guess the tractor pull was cancelled.
It was showing in the newly-opened Theater 9 at the Greenville 8.
It's also been pretty hot in a lot of Texas, and theatres are air-conditioned.
A commenter on The Immoral Minority said the Grapevine, TX, theatre that "sold out" had about 80 seats, was in a nice A/C mall, and across the street from a mega-church of the kind where pastor would tell you to go or hand out "free tickets".
All the beer was sent to Minnesota!
Ken, what a BEAUTIFUL picture! I love it!
The best joke of the article?
"Shortly before the end of the film, a young couple entered, walked to the back row, started making out, then interrupted their session and left (spoiler alert) as Andrew Breitbart, who made one of several guest appearances, started talking about eunuchs"
I'll skip the Palin movie and color the book instead.
this is kinda off topic but last night i saw a gaggle of teens outside a theatre dressed in fairy wings.
i thought this was weird.
i think we can safely conclude that baggers should leave film making to the liberals.
Mudblood libel!
Not a single naked breast and nothing blew up. Who did they think was going to see it?
It seems that no one wants to see Sarah's new self-promotion doco about her losing and quitting her way to glory, while everybody's just wild about Harry . . . go figure.
Seems entirely appropriate that the audience quit halfway through.
Movie is pretty fun, actually. Although it reminded me that I still haven't figured out the ending from the book. Fortunately, this is not important for my day-to-day existence.
Altho . . . A few too many scenes of Harry in Hogwarts Rubble Boot Camp. But that's my only crit.
Wait, what were we talking about?
Ken Layne, you are a Wonkette treasure. A 24-carat whore-diamond, if you will.
Sarah Palin and the Deathly Hollow(s) Brain.
Sarah Palin and the Braindead Princess.
The Undefeated 2: Rise of the Bachmann!!!
I just had a nocturnal emission reading this, and it's the first thing in the morning!
Plan 4.5 From Outer Space.
Keep em coming.
http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2011/07/17/six-is-th…
I would purchase said edifice and turn it into the world's largest tittie bar. C'MON PowerBall!!!
Ben Stein: "Schuller? Schuller? Anyone?"
I'm hoping the Aga Khan or the Dalai Lama buy it! If it became a Shi'ite mosque, fundies coast-to-coast would shit themselves to death, which would be good for the rest of us! If it became a Tibetan Buddhist temple, well, they are usually decorated with giant paintings of the various boddhisattvas fucking!
Wouldn't even have to change the name, because The Crystal Cathedral would be a great tittie bar name.
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