funny pictures

Wingnuts Just Love This ‘American Dream’ Facebook Photo Contest Thing

from left to right: 'snipper and snapper'/ jimbob and the rabbit for christmas best blingee on earth evar/ 'my truck is mah home' sad photoThe American Chamber of Commerce is running a photo contest on Facebook asking people to “submit a photo of the American Dream as it is embodied by your small business or a business in your community.” HUUNNHHH? Apparently this was sort of a tough assignment for folk, correctly figuring out what the words in that sentence mean. “So you want us to send you our vacation photos and blingees?” is how that sentence apparently actually reads. “SURE!” So here we go:

Here is a picture of “Oatman’s” desert hobo mansion with its American flag flying over the top and its sign out front promising to shoot everybody with guns. Do not actually ask him about his business, go mind your own damn business.

This sullen-looking young lady’s small business is apparently producing children, while “life” tries to asphyxiate her. We are not sure if this is an anti-abortion picture or a pro-abortion picture.

This man’s small business is arson, which he seems to be very good at.  He will come set your small business on fire for you, which is the new American Dream, to watch things go up in flames. Poetic/sad?


AND ONCE MORE even though it is at the top, our CLEAR WINNER from this contest is the “Alcoholic war on Xmas with JimBob and his rabbit” Blingee, for obvious reasons.

Now HurryGoVote for your favorite everyone, you only have until the end of today to waste the rest of your life on this. [Facebook; h/t Wonkette Operative “Matt N”]

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      1. UW8316154

        Sign, sign everywhere a sign
        Blocking out the scenery, breakin' my mind
        Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?

    1. GOPCrusher

      If the American Dream is soul crushing depression and rampant alcoholism, then I've been living it since 2003.

      1. lumpenprole

        If the Dream is going on a self destructive tear cuz the future seems so bleak that you just want to shed Ameros while they still buy you a good time, I'm a Real American.

    2. Negropolis

      But, all of this was done 'cause Freedom. And, ultimately, that's all that matters and all that you need to know.

  1. Barb

    Have any of the male Wonkettes submitted their American Dream photo of the chick, deep throating the zucchini in the ads to the right?

    1. metamarcisf

      Picture Sara Benincasa photshopped over Kortney. And it's Friday. Don't they let Sara out on Friday sometimes?

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. I'd settle for a pic of Eric Cantor larynx-deep on Lindsey Graham's "zucchini surprise." That's my American dream.

    3. widestanceroman

      If that's deep throating, I've been doing it wrong, And if what I've been doing is wrong, my partner doesn't want me to do right.

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      Ha ha….Darrel Issa: he knows about guns, too:

      Some of the most persistent questions about that biography involve Issa’s arrest record as a young man. He has been charged twice with car theft, although both cases were later dismissed. He was charged twice with carrying a concealed weapon. On Jan. 16, 1973, Issa pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of possession of an unregistered gun. A magistrate fined him $100, put him on probation and ordered him to pay $107 in court costs. At the time, Issa was a student at Siena Heights University in Adrian, Mich. The arrest was first reported by the Adrian Daily Telegram on July 16. Asked earlier this month about that arrest, Issa told a Times reporter that the gun was an “unloaded, never-fired, in-the-box, little teeny pistol” and said it wasn’t his, although he declined to say whose it was.
      Public records obtained by The Times show that when arrested, Issa was carrying a .25-caliber semiautomatic pistol with seven bullets in its ammunition clip, as well as 44 bullets and a tear-gas gun.

      —-LA Times, 2003, back before they became the west neighborhood edition of the Chicago Tribune.

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        To be fair, it was a teeny pistol, and if I got busted carrying a .25, I'd probably try to bury that record as well.

        1. NorthStarSpanx

          Consider their record, break a law or a morality clause they ostensibly stand for, and reward them with a job or give them some sort of power over those who don't break laws.

          Conservative Anchorage, AK Mayor Dan Sullivan appointed a twice-failed school board candidate Bob Griffin to a citizen budget committee, this after a much publicized and embarrassing Teabag Commissioned Study (aka, not-science-based.)

          School Superintendent Carol Comeau at that meeting:

          Carol Comeau — I have no idea what he said or what he’s doing. I do know that shortly after the election he was following the bus route of one high school, middle school and elementary school and the bus driver didn’t know who this white male driving the car was [so he] called dispatch. They reported it. A police officer came and stopped him and the bus. He [Griffin] wanted to know what was wrong. The police officers talked to the bus driver. The bus driver says, “I don’t like the fact that somebody in the same car is following me on all three routes. I don’t know who he is and we’re very concerned about this. This is one of the major signals of a pedophile or someone who is going to snatch a kid.” So, the police officer talked to him and explained basically the same thing and that [he] should have notified somebody at some point that [he] were going to do this. He [Griffin] said, “Don’t you recognize me? I just ran for the School Board.” The police officer didn’t recognize him and said, “Be that as it may, it’s not a good idea for you to be following school buses because when we hear about it, that’s the first thing we suspect” — that someone is going to snatch a kid or is a pedophile.

  2. BlueMonkeh

    American dream? Ha ha ha, I woke up from that and now all I've got are the sweat-soaked sheets and bed head to remind me.

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    Someone needs to submit a picture of Apu running his Kwik-E-Mart on the Simpsons just to piss off the wingnuts.

    1. BlueMonkeh

      I want to snap a pic of my muslin co-worker, prayer rug neatly folded on his desk and little white hat on his head, but my cell phone is out of magic juice.

        1. BlueMonkeh

          lol – poor guy, i'd probably freak him out if i really did that

          for some reason, the muslins in our little corner of suburban red hell are jumpy about those things

          plus – he took off with the rug – maybe it's already prayer time?

          1. Kidneys4Sale

            Perhaps if you could get him mid prayer pointed at the corporate logo which just happens to lie directly between him and Mecca, you could trick the right into ushering in a new era of world peace.

  4. edgydrifter

    Hasn't anyone submitted a photo yet of a fat man in a cowboy hat fucking an American flag on a pile of money? What "American Dream" is there besides that?

    1. genxr

      I'm sure there's a picture of a yacht that has been christened "American Dream" out there somewhere. Drop the Koch brothers on it and blammo! You win the chambers of commerce.

    2. DahBoner

      "A fat man in a cowboy hat fucking an American flag on a pile of money."

      WHOO HOOO!!!!

      This means that all wingnuts need now is a pile of money….

    3. Negropolis

      Other way around. Fucking a pile of money on the American flag, Scrouge McDuck-style, is more like it.

    1. Nopantsmcgee

      Thank you Hollywood.

      Kidney: I tried. Had a Coke can next to it to show how tiny the can looked. Still, no post tho.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Eat your heart out, Rupert Murdoch — your tiny, shrivelled, bile-flavored caraway-seed-sized long-forgotten heart.

    1. vodkamuppet

      I'm pretty sure it's a hosting site for pictures of cats and ugly babies. Not sure though, new things scare me.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Yes, lady — you're being personally oppressed because some woman somewhere is deciding (without so much as the participation of her servant-leader husband!) what to do with her body. Faux victimhood in defense of inequality — the real American fuckin' dream.

    1. freakishlywrong

      She's got "Life" taped over her mouth, as though it's forbidden and they're being silenced, by librul tyranny, and she's HOLDING HER FUCKING BABY. Ur doing it wrong, stoopid, that should say "Choice"..Gaaaahhhhhhh!

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Or she's being oppressed by her own stupid values. which is probably not at all the message she intended, but sometimes ignorance is meta.

      2. user-of-owls

        Well my interpretation of that photo is that since she had the kid, her LIFE has become akin to slow, torturous suffocation.

        Either that or the bitch has got a serious board game fetish.

    1. lumpenprole

      We actually have 700 "dispensaries" in San Jose, they say. City council wants it down to 10. 100 cops were laid off last month. You know what the American Dream is? Buying a ounce of dependably great pot over the counter right quick on your way home from work. Period.

  6. Goonemeritus

    For the National chamber to receive actual business related pictures they will have to go to China. Oh and the nice young lady working the Wednesday Adams vibe is kind of hot.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      What, the chick holding the chicklet? You don't think they chose her instead for her matronly resemblance to Re-uhl Americuhn momma's and their unconflicted, never-complicated child-rearing livelihoods?

  7. user-of-owls

    I call foul on Jim Bob's alleged submission. I do not see any firearms, AM radios or WalMart-brand 'Cheese-Toes' in that picture. Oh, and the rabbit is not perforated with buckshot.


  8. biocurious

    I'm going to take a picture of myself standing on a pile of money, looking down with pity and contempt on the Little People who just didn't Work as Hard as me. USA! USA!

  9. Steverino247

    Just curious, but do dermatologists in your town hate the same woman with the brown shit all over her face? Or is there one weird trick you need to know to have your weight mysteriously drop off? Those are the pictures somebody should send in to the Chamber, along with the caption: Kill these ad memes!

    1. BlueMonkeh

      I've also got the cute blond that's going to force the banks to forgive all my credit card debt. I like her. No feces or butt-cracks and muffin tops in my face.

    2. SorosBot

      I've been getting that shit-on-her-face woman for weeks; she's also a local mom even though that has no relevance to whatever anti-wrinkle snake oil they're selling. That picture is also incredibly ugly and I'm sick of seeing it. I also keep getting ads for "The Kid: The Sequel to Push, the Book Precious, Based on the Novel Push: By Sapphire Was Based on, by Sapphire", which based on the review I read is nothing but misery porn (SPOILER: it begins with Precious dying a few years after the first book).

    3. kissawookiee

      If I was a dermatologist and that chick kept coming in expecting me to scrape all that fecal matter off her face, I'd probably hate her too.

  10. Sue4466

    Yeh, don't fall for it and click through to the rest of the contest photos. They make even less sense.

  11. freakishlywrong

    That's the fucking "American Dream"? Proof that we are well and truly down the rabbit hole. WOLVERINES!!1

  12. Lascauxcaveman

    Actually, as an American small business operator, my dream is to just survive this next couple of months. Both night managers at the little hotel I run have quit in the last two weeks (at the peak of tourist season!) and so now it's pretty much 24/7 for me until I get another sucker highly qualified hospitality industry professional or two to come help me out.

    Need a job in beautiful part of the country? Here's my help wanted ad:….

    1. user-of-owls

      Are there no South Asians?! Are there no Dubiously Documented Latin Americans?!

      But seriously, good luck friend. If I had enough hobo beans to make it up there, I'd be in a suite of yours right now!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Just stick your thumb out, you'll get here eventually. A large two bedroom apartment in vacationland awaits you. (Some housekeeping required.)

    2. V572 der Plaatz

      How much can you make on the side by finding hookers and dope for the guests? Or I should say, how much of what I make do I have to split with you?

    3. Texan_Bulldog

      Tim, is that you? You dolt! Don't you know some drunk Wonketter will call you tonight and ask you what you're wearing?

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Eh, why not? I'll be here all night. But please, no calls during the Mariners game, I intend to deepen my depression by watching your Texas Rangers beat the stuffing out of them again tonight.

    4. GuyClinch

      Dang! Read the ad, sounds lovely, but I have a visible forearm tattoo, and it depicts a facial piercing, so I guess I'm SOL. So is it like Fawlty Towers there?

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Only with less competent management.

        (And hey, the tat can be covered with a long sleeve shirt. One of my best guys I ever had in here did that.)

    5. HistoriCat

      Good luck finding someone with both good penmanship and good computer skills who also has excellent English skills!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Actually, one of my housekeepers meets all those requirements. And it breaks my heart that she's such a hysterical drama queen, otherwise I'd put her in charge. The ideal candidate should also be "boring" and "thick skinned" but I didn't put that in the ad.

    6. widestanceroman

      Would I be required to Wonk-comment on your behalf when you're off-duty and if so, is there a p-ness sharing plan?

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        No, quite the opposite. I don't know if you remember a former commenter named Autoo from a while back. He was one of my night managers, and half the time he forgot to log into his own account, using mine instead. He posted some pretty awful stuff in my name. Drove me crazy.

        I didn't fire him, but he took a leave of absence to go play in his cousin's blues band down in Texas and I haven't heard from him since.

  13. user-of-owls

    Well, pickle my grits…they done got them a NEGRESS girl right thar on the first page!

  14. Goonemeritus

    I could take a picture of me relegating all Emails from the National chamber to the junk mail filter Corporate wide. This would need to be a reenactment since I did that two years ago.

  15. widestanceroman

    A photo of Palin wiping herself with PAC cash in her tour bus crapper would surely win something.

  16. UW8316154

    Doesn't already feature photos of how the American Dream turned out?

    1. GOPCrusher

      If the gal with the back tits doesn't personify the very essence of The American Dream, then life has no meaning.

  17. Mumbletypeg

    The saddest never-ending trend that this reminds me of? Whereas once I approached my email Inbox with caution, fearing another onslaught of "FW: FW: FW: MUST READ" blah-cakes? Today I have Facebook, where otherwise intelligent-seeming people in the friend-feed post these LOLTACKY mashups on a frighteningly regular basis.
    Facebook is the Austin TX of the internet: Keeping Self-expression Weird.

    1. freakishlywrong

      I had to cancel my page. It turns out too many people who "friended" me were a also my fambly. And by that I mean my wall was just a wasteland of wingnut batshittery.

  18. Callyson

    Prize Details
    *Roundtrip airfare for two to/from Washington, D.C. to/from anywhere in the continental United States to be used within a year’s time.
    *Two night’s stay for two in Washington, D.C. or anywhere in the continental United States to be used within a year’s time.
    *Complimentary tour of the United States Chamber of Commerce Headquarters.
    *Registration for two to America’s Small Business Summit 2012 in Washington, D.C.
    I get why people would want the tickets and hotel room, and maybe that small business summit would be a good place to network, but why on earth would anyone have the slightest interest in touring the Chamber of Commerce headquarters?!?
    Then again, it could be fun to take the tour and ask "Where did you bury Jimmy Hoffa?"
    Darn it, maybe I should have entered…

    1. SorosBot

      Well it would be fun to ask them "Don't you think there's a bit of cognitive dissonance in your organization sponsoring a contest about the American Dream, which you actively oppose?"

    2. kissawookiee

      Does that mean you normally have to pay for the Chamber tour? Uh, hooray capitalism, I guess.

  19. Oblios_Cap

    Where's the pictures of the Minutemen out gunning down Messicans? Isn't that the real Merican Dream?

  20. inapewetrust

    that black-and-white lady is doing important work with her apparent baby-making business – if there's one thing this world needs more of, it's people. things would be better if only there were more people!

    1. Redhead

      ESPECIALLY teatard people! (Though you should be nicer to Bristol – it's not her fault that her only contribution to society is producing ret@rded babies.)

    2. NYNYNYjr

      That's what I've been saying for years- where'd all the people go? Didn't there used to be people?

  21. JoeBiteme

    Santa-Rabbit Blingee guy's actual Facebook page lists "Beta format electronic VCRs sales & servicing" as the primary focus of his business.

    I absolutely shit you not.

    Update: He also has a website

    1. user-of-owls

      Well, that clinches it. Now we just have to figure exactly which Wonkettista is posing as JoeBob.

      1. JoeBiteme

        Yeah, his Facebook page also contains an unsettling mix of Michele Bachmann shout-outs and Hello Kitty posts. Thinking there may be a hint of Cho-Mo in his program…

        1. user-of-owls

          Which, I again assert, conclusively demonstrates that the postings are coming from…

          inside the Wonk-house!!

    2. DashboardBuddha

      "Aficionados of Beta believe that the picture and sound quality of Beta is superior to VHS. "

      Yep…and 99% of the entire fucking universe believes the picture and sound quality of DVD is superior to both.

      I wonder if he fixes 8-tracks?

      1. user-of-owls

        Alas, no 8-tracks (damn, now how am I going to listen to my Cheap Trick at Budokan tape?!)

        Fortunately, though, Joe does repair these superior recording devices!

        He's kinda Steam Punk, wouldn't you say?

  22. weejee

    I'm surprised de Charlene from the C'Addle CD Chamber pot hasn't posted. Our firm will join the Chamber sometime after they drive a large oak stake through my pinko heart.

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      Which CoC dya mean? The US Chamber of Commerce, that innocuous-sounding lobby for the Koch Bros, or the local chamber of commerce, an extortion racket that trades "contributions" for good ratings?

  23. Native_of_SL_UT

    Does anybody know where I can get a good shot of that 300 acre pot farm they found in Mexico?

  24. prommie

    My american dream is to open a chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else, but in the US, or possibly canada, could I do such a thing?

    1. JustPixelz

      Oatman beat you to it! 'Cause if that ain't junk, I'm going blind. (Probably from clawing my eyes out too many times at pictures of Bristol Palin.)

    2. awesome_dude

      Wow, I go on a 5 month bender and come back to find out my Riley is gone and my intensedebate girlfriend is a little boy. Le sigh.

  25. fartknocker

    Your disappointing me. That's not any old redneck on that there computer screen. That's the musical hero of the Tea Party, Ray Stevens. He has another new tune where he uses his vast financial acumen, a steel guitar and a fiddle to explain the President's budget:

    Who would of thought that an old, white guy from the South would have such disdain for a black President.

  26. SaintRond

    I know a teenager who can shoot a pickle out of her vagina 8 feet, but she lives in Mexico City so I guess it doesn't qualify. Peace… God bless…

  27. user-of-owls

    Typical. You Libunatics hate Xenophobic Bigoted Anus-Eating Hard-Nonworking White Arsonists Who Live In Their Truck With Their Pet Rabbit ("Hoppy!").

    You people make me sick.

  28. Not_So_Much

    Post a photo of the Florida Teabaggers raping evil manatees to death or GTFO. 'Murka!!1!

  29. SorosBot

    Sorry, but at 35 I'm too young to remember the American Dream, as all my life that I can remember was after Ronald Reagan killed it, with help from the American Chamber of Commerce.

    1. user-of-owls

      Old (51) goat here to point out that the 'dream' before 1980 consisted of Vietnam, Assassination Festivus, Nixon, Ford (ok, he wasn't too horrid), Gas Lines, Malaise and Jimmy "The Peanuts" Carter.

      So in fact, Reagan didn't really "kill" the Dream, he just mutilated the corpse. And that, my friend, is how I will ever remember him. As an addled vegetable who blithely tore apart corpses. Mourning in America.

    2. MissTaken

      As a fellow 35 yo, my parents would read my bedtime stories about the American Dream. Never seen it for real though, or unicorns.

      1. SorosBot

        I imagine it was a beautiful dream, but it is lost forever, and now I'm giving myself a sad.

  30. LesBontemps

    US Chamber of Commerce's American Dream: Tort immunity for corporations & tax cuts for the rich.

    The rest of us: Hobo beans & squirrel meat.

  31. metamarcisf

    Carmageddon Countdown: if you were stupid enough to go to work today, remind your boss that you have to leave early because of the weekend shutdown of the 405 freeway. Yes, the effects of this disaster will be felt as far away as the northeast heights of Albuquerque.

  32. freakishlywrong

    You know Chill, I ride bitch, with my boyfriend, but if I look half as asshatty as that, I'm off the bike for good.

  33. Guppy06

    Oh, look, the Chamber of Commerce is once again pretending to care about small businesses. It must be election season again!

    1. genxr

      When I'm feasting on alpaca steak and all you have is hobo beans, then who's laughing? Damn this sweater is itchy.

      1. KeepFnThatChicken

        Go right ahead. I spoke to someone who once owned an alpaca. If you want to eat a $400 alpaca steak, enjoy yourself… if you account for their up-front costs.

        Meanwhile, hobo beans cause farts, which are cheap amusement and a great pressure release.

          1. KeepFnThatChicken

            I would dread living in a nation where a routine punishment would be to have one's hands cut off.

  34. DashboardBuddha

    Here's my submission. Oh wait! It's the American DREAM? Hold on while I fire up Photoshop.

    Edit: Caption – You mean…Glenn Beck lied?!

  35. savethispatient

    I should submit a picture of me living the American Dream – an immigrant concentrating hard on his laptop, in a coffee shop, desperately hoping he never has to use his health insurance, which barely covers anything, yet is incredibly expensive.

    Not sure how I'd get that last bit across in a picture, though.

  36. Nostrildamus

    The gal in the 2nd pic has "Life" tape over her mouth to encourage hubby to skip the blow job and get down to the procreatin'. She's also got it over her anus, but you can't see it because of her pants.

  37. bammerburn

    I love the b&w wage slaves picture. It's the correct representation of American wage slavery (read: depressed overworked fucks), as contrasted to the cheerful pretty-faced zombies you see in TV ads.

  38. Radiotherapy®

    What, no live-blogging Obama's debt-crisis speech????
    haha, I'm kidding that is as boring as these blingees without the bling.

  39. prommie

    I have a "Nugget Corral" in my house. Mine is filled with water. After all the nuggets are deposited in the Corral, I flush it and they are whisked away via a series of tubes.

  40. hagajim

    "which is the new American Dream, to watch things go up in flames

    Isn't that what happened in Sept. 2008 when the entire U.S. economy took one giant shit and flushed us all down the commode?

  41. Redhead

    No no no. The girl in the second picture – her Amurikin dream is to be a good republican slave/wife. That's why she made the picture black and white and enhanced the contrast, to make sure you can see how white she and her kid are, and put bright red tape over her mouth, so all the republican master/husbands can see that she's okay with not ever speaking and always obeying and, hey, a little choking's okay too.

  42. DahBoner

    "submit a photo of the American Dream as it is embodied by your small business or a business in your community."

    According to wingnuts who Want to Take Their Country Back from the Nigras who are runnin' it now, This is the American Dream for the orginal American people we killed, poisoned, and destroyed their way of life.

  43. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    I'm not sure which are the Wonketeer joke submissions and which are the real ones. As usual for this sort of thing.

  44. El Pinche

    Hey bitches, vote for me !
    I have a photo of me with monster Slim Jims in every orifice.

  45. Arken

    That picture of the guy with the fire representing the American dream pisses me off because it reminds me that Terry Gilliam left the most important goddamn part of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas out of his movie.

  46. PabaBritannica

    GOD DAMNIT, my favorite Arizona dive is pictured on this thing. I wonder if the owners even sent that or it was just some blob that thinks American Dream=Anusburgers in the desert.

  47. zhubajie

    American Chamber of Commerce. These are the guys who gave Donald "Buzz" Lukens an award for being the most conservative rep. in the US House. Just before Buzz was arrested for statutory rape with a series of early teens black girls in Columbus, OH! Even his vices were old fashioned! Punished with a big 30 days in jail, too.,_Don…..

  48. Negropolis

    I'm usuay confused about a lot of the teabagger stuff Wonkette finds, but this takes it to another level. I actually don't have anything to say; I'm so confused.

  49. lochnessmonster

    Too bad! I do not own a Face Place Spage Age Page so I can't vote…Wait this should be a good thing!

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