FUNNY PICTURES  12:02 pm July 15, 2011

Wingnuts Just Love This ‘American Dream’ Facebook Photo Contest Thing

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

from left to right: 'snipper and snapper'/ jimbob and the rabbit for christmas best blingee on earth evar/ 'my truck is mah home' sad photoThe American Chamber of Commerce is running a photo contest on Facebook asking people to “submit a photo of the American Dream as it is embodied by your small business or a business in your community.” HUUNNHHH? Apparently this was sort of a tough assignment for folk, correctly figuring out what the words in that sentence mean. “So you want us to send you our vacation photos and blingees?” is how that sentence apparently actually reads. “SURE!” So here we go:

Here is a picture of “Oatman’s” desert hobo mansion with its American flag flying over the top and its sign out front promising to shoot everybody with guns. Do not actually ask him about his business, go mind your own damn business.

This sullen-looking young lady’s small business is apparently producing children, while “life” tries to asphyxiate her. We are not sure if this is an anti-abortion picture or a pro-abortion picture.

This man’s small business is arson, which he seems to be very good at.  He will come set your small business on fire for you, which is the new American Dream, to watch things go up in flames. Poetic/sad?

OH HAHA THE RUBBER CHICKEN ON THE HEAD JOKE, WE LOVE THOSE.

AND ONCE MORE even though it is at the top, our CLEAR WINNER from this contest is the “Alcoholic war on Xmas with JimBob and his rabbit” Blingee, for obvious reasons.

Now HurryGoVote for your favorite everyone, you only have until the end of today to waste the rest of your life on this. [Facebook; h/t Wonkette Operative "Matt N"]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 206 comments }

ifthethunderdontgetya July 15, 2011 at 12:05 pm

My American Dream was taken out behind the barn and shot.

After that, it was run over with the lawnmower.

But thanks for the reminder, American Chamber of Commerce!
~

BarryOPotter July 15, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Well hell, didn't you see the sign?

"No Trespassing!
-'Murica"

UW8316154 July 15, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Sign, sign everywhere a sign
Blocking out the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?

ShaveTheWhales July 15, 2011 at 2:16 pm

forty-year old one-hit-wonder tune still works.

WunkRocker July 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Trucknutz or GTFO.

nedbeaumontjr July 15, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Your American Dream was Old Yeller?

ifthethunderdontgetya July 15, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Something like that, Ned…
~

GOPCrusher July 15, 2011 at 1:10 pm

If the American Dream is soul crushing depression and rampant alcoholism, then I've been living it since 2003.

lumpenprole July 15, 2011 at 7:19 pm

If the Dream is going on a self destructive tear cuz the future seems so bleak that you just want to shed Ameros while they still buy you a good time, I'm a Real American.

Negropolis July 15, 2011 at 10:17 pm

But, all of this was done 'cause Freedom. And, ultimately, that's all that matters and all that you need to know.

Barb July 15, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Have any of the male Wonkettes submitted their American Dream photo of the chick, deep throating the zucchini in the ads to the right?

metamarcisf July 15, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Picture Sara Benincasa photshopped over Kortney. And it's Friday. Don't they let Sara out on Friday sometimes?

Fare la Volpe July 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm

That's when she lets the twins out for a walk in the sunshine.

GuyClinch July 15, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I'm just going to submit my avatar pic. Close enough.

UW8316154 July 15, 2011 at 12:18 pm

At least we have advertisers again!

Callyson July 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Beat me to it…if Kortney submits that photo, the contest is over.

elviouslyqueer July 15, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Oh please. I'd settle for a pic of Eric Cantor larynx-deep on Lindsey Graham's "zucchini surprise." That's my American dream.

JustPixelz July 15, 2011 at 12:44 pm

That's more a photo of an American's Dream.

JustPixelz July 15, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Unless there are two zucchinis in that picture, her deep-throating is alluring but not impressive.

widestanceroman July 15, 2011 at 1:01 pm

If that's deep throating, I've been doing it wrong, And if what I've been doing is wrong, my partner doesn't want me to do right.

RedNM July 15, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I love the photo of Darrell Issa burning down his house.

Texan_Bulldog July 15, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Naah, that's Eric Cantor burning up America's credit rating.

V572 der Plaatz July 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Ha ha….Darrel Issa: he knows about guns, too:

Some of the most persistent questions about that biography involve Issa’s arrest record as a young man. He has been charged twice with car theft, although both cases were later dismissed. He was charged twice with carrying a concealed weapon. On Jan. 16, 1973, Issa pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of possession of an unregistered gun. A magistrate fined him $100, put him on probation and ordered him to pay $107 in court costs. At the time, Issa was a student at Siena Heights University in Adrian, Mich. The arrest was first reported by the Adrian Daily Telegram on July 16. Asked earlier this month about that arrest, Issa told a Times reporter that the gun was an “unloaded, never-fired, in-the-box, little teeny pistol” and said it wasn’t his, although he declined to say whose it was.
Public records obtained by The Times show that when arrested, Issa was carrying a .25-caliber semiautomatic pistol with seven bullets in its ammunition clip, as well as 44 bullets and a tear-gas gun.

—-LA Times, 2003, back before they became the west neighborhood edition of the Chicago Tribune.

GunToting[Redacted] July 15, 2011 at 2:44 pm

To be fair, it was a teeny pistol, and if I got busted carrying a .25, I'd probably try to bury that record as well.

NorthStarSpanx July 16, 2011 at 10:28 am

Consider their record, break a law or a morality clause they ostensibly stand for, and reward them with a job or give them some sort of power over those who don't break laws.

Conservative Anchorage, AK Mayor Dan Sullivan appointed a twice-failed school board candidate Bob Griffin to a citizen budget committee, this after a much publicized and embarrassing Teabag Commissioned Study (aka, not-science-based.)

School Superintendent Carol Comeau at that meeting:

Carol Comeau — I have no idea what he said or what he’s doing. I do know that shortly after the election he was following the bus route of one high school, middle school and elementary school and the bus driver didn’t know who this white male driving the car was [so he] called dispatch. They reported it. A police officer came and stopped him and the bus. He [Griffin] wanted to know what was wrong. The police officers talked to the bus driver. The bus driver says, “I don’t like the fact that somebody in the same car is following me on all three routes. I don’t know who he is and we’re very concerned about this. This is one of the major signals of a pedophile or someone who is going to snatch a kid.” So, the police officer talked to him and explained basically the same thing and that [he] should have notified somebody at some point that [he] were going to do this. He [Griffin] said, “Don’t you recognize me? I just ran for the School Board.” The police officer didn’t recognize him and said, “Be that as it may, it’s not a good idea for you to be following school buses because when we hear about it, that’s the first thing we suspect” — that someone is going to snatch a kid or is a pedophile.

Steverino247 July 15, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I'm sorry, was that American delusion you said?

nounverb911 July 15, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Are there pictures of Bachmannn saying "Chutzpah"?

Lascauxcaveman July 15, 2011 at 12:06 pm

LET THE EAGULL SORE!!!!!!!!!!!9!!1!!!1!!!

BlueMonkeh July 15, 2011 at 12:07 pm

American dream? Ha ha ha, I woke up from that and now all I've got are the sweat-soaked sheets and bed head to remind me.

Nothingisamiss July 15, 2011 at 8:46 pm

There's no comment of the day for this?

Texan_Bulldog July 15, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Someone needs to submit a picture of Apu running his Kwik-E-Mart on the Simpsons just to piss off the wingnuts.

BlueMonkeh July 15, 2011 at 12:09 pm

I want to snap a pic of my muslin co-worker, prayer rug neatly folded on his desk and little white hat on his head, but my cell phone is out of magic juice.

Texan_Bulldog July 15, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Well, borrow someone else phone post haste!

BlueMonkeh July 15, 2011 at 12:16 pm

lol – poor guy, i'd probably freak him out if i really did that

for some reason, the muslins in our little corner of suburban red hell are jumpy about those things

plus – he took off with the rug – maybe it's already prayer time?

Texan_Bulldog July 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Ha! Where do you live? Murfreesboro , TN?
http://abcnews.go.com/WN/murfreesboro-tennessee-m

Kidneys4Sale July 15, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Perhaps if you could get him mid prayer pointed at the corporate logo which just happens to lie directly between him and Mecca, you could trick the right into ushering in a new era of world peace.

genxr July 15, 2011 at 12:09 pm

And he's wearing a cowboy hat and American flag, from the immigration episode, right?

edgydrifter July 15, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Hasn't anyone submitted a photo yet of a fat man in a cowboy hat fucking an American flag on a pile of money? What "American Dream" is there besides that?

genxr July 15, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I'm sure there's a picture of a yacht that has been christened "American Dream" out there somewhere. Drop the Koch brothers on it and blammo! You win the chambers of commerce.

Crank_Tango July 15, 2011 at 12:20 pm

…or the July, 2011 issue of Twentysomething magazine? That's how I like to fuck american flags anyway. http://www.twentysomethingmagazine.com/?page_id=8

DahBoner July 15, 2011 at 1:34 pm

"A fat man in a cowboy hat fucking an American flag on a pile of money."

WHOO HOOO!!!!

This means that all wingnuts need now is a pile of money….

Gleem_McShineys July 15, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Functioning penises are still optional, yes?

Negropolis July 15, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Other way around. Fucking a pile of money on the American flag, Scrouge McDuck-style, is more like it.

Nopantsmcgee July 15, 2011 at 12:07 pm

They refused to post my dick pic. Marxists.

hollywooddood July 15, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I also sent in your dick pic and was rejected as well. I'm sorry, Nopants. I tried.

Kidneys4Sale July 15, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Neadz moar product placement. Get a NASCAR tattoo, and you're golden.

Nopantsmcgee July 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Thank you Hollywood.

Kidney: I tried. Had a Coke can next to it to show how tiny the can looked. Still, no post tho.

WhatTheHolyHeck July 15, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Where are the naked women screaming and throwing all the little pickles?

nounverb911 July 15, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Michele hasn't submitted a picture of Marcus yet.

JustPixelz July 15, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I thought I was the only one who had that American Dream.

nounverb911 July 15, 2011 at 12:08 pm

What's Facebook?

V572 der Plaatz July 15, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Nothing less than America's premier privacy theft racket!

SayItWithWookies July 15, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Eat your heart out, Rupert Murdoch — your tiny, shrivelled, bile-flavored caraway-seed-sized long-forgotten heart.

vodkamuppet July 15, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I'm pretty sure it's a hosting site for pictures of cats and ugly babies. Not sure though, new things scare me.

SayItWithWookies July 15, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Yes, lady — you're being personally oppressed because some woman somewhere is deciding (without so much as the participation of her servant-leader husband!) what to do with her body. Faux victimhood in defense of inequality — the real American fuckin' dream.

freakishlywrong July 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm

She's got "Life" taped over her mouth, as though it's forbidden and they're being silenced, by librul tyranny, and she's HOLDING HER FUCKING BABY. Ur doing it wrong, stoopid, that should say "Choice"..Gaaaahhhhhhh!

SayItWithWookies July 15, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Or she's being oppressed by her own stupid values. which is probably not at all the message she intended, but sometimes ignorance is meta.

lumpenprole July 15, 2011 at 7:48 pm

It's probably a good thing that she shut herself up. Baby's got a chance now.

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Well my interpretation of that photo is that since she had the kid, her LIFE has become akin to slow, torturous suffocation.

Either that or the bitch has got a serious board game fetish.

Nothingisamiss July 15, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Now THIS is the right answer.

genxr July 15, 2011 at 12:08 pm

There's a small business in Berkeley that sells American Dream by the quarter ounce.

BlueMonkeh July 15, 2011 at 12:10 pm

i want to go to there

nounverb911 July 15, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Don't forget Tiffany's selling the American dream by the carat.

FlipperAZ July 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

If you have the credit.

UW8316154 July 15, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Or lined up as Newt's next one.

lumpenprole July 15, 2011 at 8:00 pm

We actually have 700 "dispensaries" in San Jose, they say. City council wants it down to 10. 100 cops were laid off last month. You know what the American Dream is? Buying a ounce of dependably great pot over the counter right quick on your way home from work. Period.

Goonemeritus July 15, 2011 at 12:09 pm

For the National chamber to receive actual business related pictures they will have to go to China. Oh and the nice young lady working the Wednesday Adams vibe is kind of hot.

Mumbletypeg July 15, 2011 at 1:01 pm

What, the chick holding the chicklet? You don't think they chose her instead for her matronly resemblance to Re-uhl Americuhn momma's and their unconflicted, never-complicated child-rearing livelihoods?

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:09 pm

I call foul on Jim Bob's alleged submission. I do not see any firearms, AM radios or WalMart-brand 'Cheese-Toes' in that picture. Oh, and the rabbit is not perforated with buckshot.

FALSE!! FRAUD!!

TanzbodenKoenig July 15, 2011 at 12:11 pm

So who's submitting the drowned rat in the toilet bowl picture?

elviouslyqueer July 15, 2011 at 12:34 pm
JoshuaNorton July 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Needs moar exploding meth labs.

biocurious July 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I'm going to take a picture of myself standing on a pile of money, looking down with pity and contempt on the Little People who just didn't Work as Hard as me. USA! USA!

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Pity?

UR DOIN IT WRONG!

genxr July 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Instead of pity, you should be looking down and asking why they're not paying more taxes.

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Needs more filthyweaseling.

Steverino247 July 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Just curious, but do dermatologists in your town hate the same woman with the brown shit all over her face? Or is there one weird trick you need to know to have your weight mysteriously drop off? Those are the pictures somebody should send in to the Chamber, along with the caption: Kill these ad memes!

BlueMonkeh July 15, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I've also got the cute blond that's going to force the banks to forgive all my credit card debt. I like her. No feces or butt-cracks and muffin tops in my face.

Steverino247 July 15, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Yup. Got her, too. Pretty woman.

SorosBot July 15, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I've been getting that shit-on-her-face woman for weeks; she's also a local mom even though that has no relevance to whatever anti-wrinkle snake oil they're selling. That picture is also incredibly ugly and I'm sick of seeing it. I also keep getting ads for "The Kid: The Sequel to Push, the Book Precious, Based on the Novel Push: By Sapphire Was Based on, by Sapphire", which based on the review I read is nothing but misery porn (SPOILER: it begins with Precious dying a few years after the first book).

kissawookiee July 15, 2011 at 12:43 pm

If I was a dermatologist and that chick kept coming in expecting me to scrape all that fecal matter off her face, I'd probably hate her too.

Sue4466 July 15, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Yeh, don't fall for it and click through to the rest of the contest photos. They make even less sense.

phlox✔ July 15, 2011 at 12:13 pm

These American dreams need more desperation and tears.

freakishlywrong July 15, 2011 at 12:13 pm

That's the fucking "American Dream"? Proof that we are well and truly down the rabbit hole. WOLVERINES!!1

Lascauxcaveman July 15, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Actually, as an American small business operator, my dream is to just survive this next couple of months. Both night managers at the little hotel I run have quit in the last two weeks (at the peak of tourist season!) and so now it's pretty much 24/7 for me until I get another sucker highly qualified hospitality industry professional or two to come help me out.

Need a job in beautiful part of the country? Here's my help wanted ad: http://seattle.craigslist.org/kit/fbh/2491328108….

nounverb911 July 15, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Are you part of the "Twilight" tour?

Sharkey July 15, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

:)

Lascauxcaveman July 15, 2011 at 12:33 pm

The Twilight thing is sorta petering out, but it was good biz while it lasted.

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Are there no South Asians?! Are there no Dubiously Documented Latin Americans?!

But seriously, good luck friend. If I had enough hobo beans to make it up there, I'd be in a suite of yours right now!

Lascauxcaveman July 15, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Just stick your thumb out, you'll get here eventually. A large two bedroom apartment in vacationland awaits you. (Some housekeeping required.)

V572 der Plaatz July 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm

How much can you make on the side by finding hookers and dope for the guests? Or I should say, how much of what I make do I have to split with you?

Texan_Bulldog July 15, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Tim, is that you? You dolt! Don't you know some drunk Wonketter will call you tonight and ask you what you're wearing?

Lascauxcaveman July 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Eh, why not? I'll be here all night. But please, no calls during the Mariners game, I intend to deepen my depression by watching your Texas Rangers beat the stuffing out of them again tonight.

Texan_Bulldog July 15, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Well, good luck on everything and since I don't care about baseball, go Mariners!

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:47 pm

It's not a loaded Wonketteer that Caveman needs to worry about, it's s***ky2b.

orygoon July 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Wows. I love Port Angeles, at least, in the summertime. Good luck, amigo!

GuyClinch July 15, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Dang! Read the ad, sounds lovely, but I have a visible forearm tattoo, and it depicts a facial piercing, so I guess I'm SOL. So is it like Fawlty Towers there?

Lascauxcaveman July 15, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Only with less competent management.

(And hey, the tat can be covered with a long sleeve shirt. One of my best guys I ever had in here did that.)

HistoriCat July 15, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Good luck finding someone with both good penmanship and good computer skills who also has excellent English skills!

Lascauxcaveman July 15, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Actually, one of my housekeepers meets all those requirements. And it breaks my heart that she's such a hysterical drama queen, otherwise I'd put her in charge. The ideal candidate should also be "boring" and "thick skinned" but I didn't put that in the ad.

JustPixelz July 15, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Michele Bachmann is your man. Plus she's got the chootzpa to cope with difficult customers. And she'll never let 'em run a tab.

widestanceroman July 15, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Would I be required to Wonk-comment on your behalf when you're off-duty and if so, is there a p-ness sharing plan?

Lascauxcaveman July 15, 2011 at 1:24 pm

No, quite the opposite. I don't know if you remember a former commenter named Autoo from a while back. He was one of my night managers, and half the time he forgot to log into his own account, using mine instead. He posted some pretty awful stuff in my name. Drove me crazy.

I didn't fire him, but he took a leave of absence to go play in his cousin's blues band down in Texas and I haven't heard from him since.

horsedreamer_1 July 15, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I could use a new job.

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Well, pickle my grits…they done got them a NEGRESS girl right thar on the first page!

fuflans July 15, 2011 at 12:17 pm

booze, money, balls, a dell computer and rabbit.

yeah that sounds pretty good.

fuflans July 15, 2011 at 12:17 pm

oh come on people, where are the palin pics?!?!?

Goonemeritus July 15, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I could take a picture of me relegating all Emails from the National chamber to the junk mail filter Corporate wide. This would need to be a reenactment since I did that two years ago.

widestanceroman July 15, 2011 at 12:20 pm

A photo of Palin wiping herself with PAC cash in her tour bus crapper would surely win something.

UW8316154 July 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Doesn't peopleofwalmart.com already feature photos of how the American Dream turned out?

GOPCrusher July 15, 2011 at 1:23 pm

If the gal with the back tits doesn't personify the very essence of The American Dream, then life has no meaning.
Linky.

Mumbletypeg July 15, 2011 at 12:22 pm

The saddest never-ending trend that this reminds me of? Whereas once I approached my email Inbox with caution, fearing another onslaught of "FW: FW: FW: MUST READ" blah-cakes? Today I have Facebook, where otherwise intelligent-seeming people in the friend-feed post these LOLTACKY mashups on a frighteningly regular basis.
Facebook is the Austin TX of the internet: Keeping Self-expression Weird.

freakishlywrong July 15, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I had to cancel my page. It turns out too many people who "friended" me were a also my fambly. And by that I mean my wall was just a wasteland of wingnut batshittery.

Mumbletypeg July 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Aw, freakish. "Use't be fambly was fust"

But srsly I know exactly what you mean.

Callyson July 15, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Prize Details
*Roundtrip airfare for two to/from Washington, D.C. to/from anywhere in the continental United States to be used within a year’s time.
*Two night’s stay for two in Washington, D.C. or anywhere in the continental United States to be used within a year’s time.
*Complimentary tour of the United States Chamber of Commerce Headquarters.
*Registration for two to America’s Small Business Summit 2012 in Washington, D.C.
———–
I get why people would want the tickets and hotel room, and maybe that small business summit would be a good place to network, but why on earth would anyone have the slightest interest in touring the Chamber of Commerce headquarters?!?
Then again, it could be fun to take the tour and ask "Where did you bury Jimmy Hoffa?"
Darn it, maybe I should have entered…

SorosBot July 15, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Well it would be fun to ask them "Don't you think there's a bit of cognitive dissonance in your organization sponsoring a contest about the American Dream, which you actively oppose?"

kissawookiee July 15, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Does that mean you normally have to pay for the Chamber tour? Uh, hooray capitalism, I guess.

Oblios_Cap July 15, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Where's the pictures of the Minutemen out gunning down Messicans? Isn't that the real Merican Dream?

Weenus299 July 15, 2011 at 12:22 pm

LIFE tape over mouth. Kinky.

Texan_Bulldog July 15, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Maybe that's her safe word.

Not_So_Much July 15, 2011 at 12:35 pm

I think that means anal only for her?

DashboardBuddha July 15, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Maybe she's telling folks to STFU about abortion?

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Ok, which one of you pervs put up the "Pedobare Day Care!" picture?

inapewetrust July 15, 2011 at 12:23 pm

that black-and-white lady is doing important work with her apparent baby-making business – if there's one thing this world needs more of, it's people. things would be better if only there were more people!

Redhead July 15, 2011 at 1:22 pm

ESPECIALLY teatard people! (Though you should be nicer to Bristol – it's not her fault that her only contribution to society is producing ret@rded babies.)

NYNYNYjr July 17, 2011 at 1:40 am

That's what I've been saying for years- where'd all the people go? Didn't there used to be people?

JoeBiteme July 15, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Santa-Rabbit Blingee guy's actual Facebook page lists "Beta format electronic VCRs sales & servicing" as the primary focus of his business.

I absolutely shit you not.

Update: He also has a website http://www.absolutebeta.com

V572 der Plaatz July 15, 2011 at 12:26 pm

The pager market is down a bit right now.

Redhead July 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

So is the telegraph market. And the horse-and-buggy market.

__kth__ July 15, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Liz Lemon's season one boyfriend, iirc.

Texan_Bulldog July 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Wow! That dude is on the forefront of cutting edge technology … for 1911.

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Well, that clinches it. Now we just have to figure exactly which Wonkettista is posing as JoeBob.

inapewetrust July 15, 2011 at 12:39 pm

that's all fine and good, but where am i supposed to take my laserdisc player for servicing?

starfanglednut July 15, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Ayund mah 8 tracks, also too.

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Oh, Joe and his daughter are also both aficionados and purveyors of fine art!

http://www.absolutebeta.com/Absolute%20Art%20Find

JoeBiteme July 15, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Yeah, his Facebook page also contains an unsettling mix of Michele Bachmann shout-outs and Hello Kitty posts. Thinking there may be a hint of Cho-Mo in his program…

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Which, I again assert, conclusively demonstrates that the postings are coming from…

inside the Wonk-house!!

JoeBiteme July 15, 2011 at 12:55 pm

It IS a bit perfect. But that website took someone like, 15 minutes to build…

DashboardBuddha July 15, 2011 at 12:49 pm

"Aficionados of Beta believe that the picture and sound quality of Beta is superior to VHS. "

Yep…and 99% of the entire fucking universe believes the picture and sound quality of DVD is superior to both.

I wonder if he fixes 8-tracks?

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Alas, no 8-tracks (damn, now how am I going to listen to my Cheap Trick at Budokan tape?!)

Fortunately, though, Joe does repair these superior recording devices!

He's kinda Steam Punk, wouldn't you say?

DashboardBuddha July 15, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Sorta…but Steam Punk is kind of cool.

freakishlywrong July 15, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Ugh..<marquee>. Ugh. </marquee>

weejee July 15, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I'm surprised de Charlene from the C'Addle CD Chamber pot hasn't posted. Our firm will join the Chamber sometime after they drive a large oak stake through my pinko heart.

V572 der Plaatz July 15, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Which CoC dya mean? The US Chamber of Commerce, that innocuous-sounding lobby for the Koch Bros, or the local chamber of commerce, an extortion racket that trades "contributions" for good ratings?

Native_of_SL_UT July 15, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Does anybody know where I can get a good shot of that 300 acre pot farm they found in Mexico?

Crank_Tango July 15, 2011 at 12:25 pm

My american dream is a coathanger abortion clinic. Thanks assholes!!!

prommie July 15, 2011 at 12:25 pm

My american dream is to open a chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else, but in the US, or possibly canada, could I do such a thing?

Fare la Volpe July 15, 2011 at 12:26 pm

I submitted a picture of my junk.

Cross fingers, folks!

Crank_Tango July 15, 2011 at 12:43 pm

how did you know that it was also my american dream, to get a pic of your junk?

LesBontemps July 15, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Hey, you stole Anthony Weiner's American Dream!

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 1:04 pm

God you're a rotten-ass little tease. MORE, MORE!

JustPixelz July 15, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Oatman beat you to it! 'Cause if that ain't junk, I'm going blind. (Probably from clawing my eyes out too many times at pictures of Bristol Palin.)

awesome_dude July 15, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Wow, I go on a 5 month bender and come back to find out my Riley is gone and my intensedebate girlfriend is a little boy. Le sigh.

Nothingisamiss July 15, 2011 at 8:58 pm

R U Andrew Breitbart?

awesome_dude July 15, 2011 at 9:11 pm

No, but mad chubbies for the reference.

fartknocker July 15, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Your disappointing me. That's not any old redneck on that there computer screen. That's the musical hero of the Tea Party, Ray Stevens. He has another new tune where he uses his vast financial acumen, a steel guitar and a fiddle to explain the President's budget:
http://www.raystevens.com/main/index.htm

Who would of thought that an old, white guy from the South would have such disdain for a black President.

neiltheblaze July 15, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Right. He's the racist shitheel who did "Ahab the A-Rab", right?

SaintRond July 15, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I know a teenager who can shoot a pickle out of her vagina 8 feet, but she lives in Mexico City so I guess it doesn't qualify. Peace… God bless…

widestanceroman July 15, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Where in Mexico is the deli where she works?

Oblios_Cap July 15, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Isn't he supposed to be fucking that chicken instead of wearing it on his head?

dahboner July 15, 2011 at 12:33 pm

What?

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Typical. You Libunatics hate Xenophobic Bigoted Anus-Eating Hard-Nonworking White Arsonists Who Live In Their Truck With Their Pet Rabbit ("Hoppy!").

You people make me sick.

Not_So_Much July 15, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Post a photo of the Florida Teabaggers raping evil manatees to death or GTFO. 'Murka!!1!

SorosBot July 15, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Sorry, but at 35 I'm too young to remember the American Dream, as all my life that I can remember was after Ronald Reagan killed it, with help from the American Chamber of Commerce.

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Old (51) goat here to point out that the 'dream' before 1980 consisted of Vietnam, Assassination Festivus, Nixon, Ford (ok, he wasn't too horrid), Gas Lines, Malaise and Jimmy "The Peanuts" Carter.

So in fact, Reagan didn't really "kill" the Dream, he just mutilated the corpse. And that, my friend, is how I will ever remember him. As an addled vegetable who blithely tore apart corpses. Mourning in America.

MissTaken July 15, 2011 at 1:39 pm

As a fellow 35 yo, my parents would read my bedtime stories about the American Dream. Never seen it for real though, or unicorns.

SorosBot July 15, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I imagine it was a beautiful dream, but it is lost forever, and now I'm giving myself a sad.

user-of-owls July 15, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Don't haz sad, iz still a dreem. A dreem, c?

LesBontemps July 15, 2011 at 12:40 pm

US Chamber of Commerce's American Dream: Tort immunity for corporations & tax cuts for the rich.

The rest of us: Hobo beans & squirrel meat.

zhubajie July 15, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Immunity for bare-back sex with teens, too.

KeepFnThatChicken July 15, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I like the "Michigan Sunset" photo that didn't include the sun.

metamarcisf July 15, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Carmageddon Countdown: if you were stupid enough to go to work today, remind your boss that you have to leave early because of the weekend shutdown of the 405 freeway. Yes, the effects of this disaster will be felt as far away as the northeast heights of Albuquerque.

FNMA July 15, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I tried that, but my boss pointed out that we're currently in Pennsylvania.

GunToting[Redacted] July 15, 2011 at 3:01 pm

I work from home, and I'm planning on leaving 3 hours early.

freakishlywrong July 15, 2011 at 12:47 pm

You know Chill, I ride bitch, with my boyfriend, but if I look half as asshatty as that, I'm off the bike for good.

Guppy06 July 15, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Oh, look, the Chamber of Commerce is once again pretending to care about small businesses. It must be election season again!

KeepFnThatChicken July 15, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I'm discovering an alarming trend, going through these photos: Some of 'em are being used as adverts for their MLM schemes. Here's one for WealthForge, and one for Fortune Hi-Tech Marketing.

I think we should vote for all MLM morons — including the sad alpaca farmer — just because they're desperate enough to try MLM.

genxr July 15, 2011 at 1:01 pm

When I'm feasting on alpaca steak and all you have is hobo beans, then who's laughing? Damn this sweater is itchy.

KeepFnThatChicken July 15, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Go right ahead. I spoke to someone who once owned an alpaca. If you want to eat a $400 alpaca steak, enjoy yourself… if you account for their up-front costs.

Meanwhile, hobo beans cause farts, which are cheap amusement and a great pressure release.

UW8316154 July 15, 2011 at 4:28 pm

You know what else is cheap amusement and a great pressure release?

KeepFnThatChicken July 15, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I would dread living in a nation where a routine punishment would be to have one's hands cut off.

zhubajie July 15, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Raising livestock is the biggest poker game there is!

DashboardBuddha July 15, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Yep…you don't have to be Cheops to recognize a pyramid.

DashboardBuddha July 15, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Here's my submission. Oh wait! It's the American DREAM? Hold on while I fire up Photoshop.

Edit: Caption – You mean…Glenn Beck lied?!

Nopantsmcgee July 15, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce was a shitty movie. Just sayin.

savethispatient July 15, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I should submit a picture of me living the American Dream – an immigrant concentrating hard on his laptop, in a coffee shop, desperately hoping he never has to use his health insurance, which barely covers anything, yet is incredibly expensive.

Not sure how I'd get that last bit across in a picture, though.

genxr July 15, 2011 at 1:02 pm

What you call "having to pay for everything yourself" we call "Patient empowerment"

savethispatient July 15, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Entrepreneur is French for 'someone with little or no health insurance'.

Nostrildamus July 15, 2011 at 1:03 pm

The gal in the 2nd pic has "Life" tape over her mouth to encourage hubby to skip the blow job and get down to the procreatin'. She's also got it over her anus, but you can't see it because of her pants.

bammerburn July 15, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I love the b&w wage slaves picture. It's the correct representation of American wage slavery (read: depressed overworked fucks), as contrasted to the cheerful pretty-faced zombies you see in TV ads.

Radiotherapy® July 15, 2011 at 1:07 pm

What, no live-blogging Obama's debt-crisis speech????
haha, I'm kidding that is as boring as these blingees without the bling.

prommie July 15, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I have a "Nugget Corral" in my house. Mine is filled with water. After all the nuggets are deposited in the Corral, I flush it and they are whisked away via a series of tubes.

Crank_Tango July 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

too soon!

hagajim July 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm

"which is the new American Dream, to watch things go up in flames

Isn't that what happened in Sept. 2008 when the entire U.S. economy took one giant shit and flushed us all down the commode?

zhubajie July 15, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Well, I was flushed down the commode around '97, but I know what you mean!

Redhead July 15, 2011 at 1:12 pm

No no no. The girl in the second picture – her Amurikin dream is to be a good republican slave/wife. That's why she made the picture black and white and enhanced the contrast, to make sure you can see how white she and her kid are, and put bright red tape over her mouth, so all the republican master/husbands can see that she's okay with not ever speaking and always obeying and, hey, a little choking's okay too.

DahBoner July 15, 2011 at 1:21 pm

"submit a photo of the American Dream as it is embodied by your small business or a business in your community."

According to wingnuts who Want to Take Their Country Back from the Nigras who are runnin' it now, This is the American Dream for the orginal American people we killed, poisoned, and destroyed their way of life.

MiniMencken July 15, 2011 at 1:50 pm

No photos of the Mustang Ranch outside of Sparks, Nevada?

J Rbt. Oppenheiner July 15, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I'm not sure which are the Wonketeer joke submissions and which are the real ones. As usual for this sort of thing.

El Pinche July 15, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Hey bitches, vote for me !
I have a photo of me with monster Slim Jims in every orifice.

Arken July 15, 2011 at 3:18 pm

That picture of the guy with the fire representing the American dream pisses me off because it reminds me that Terry Gilliam left the most important goddamn part of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas out of his movie.

PabaBritannica July 15, 2011 at 3:23 pm

GOD DAMNIT, my favorite Arizona dive is pictured on this thing. I wonder if the owners even sent that or it was just some blob that thinks American Dream=Anusburgers in the desert.

fuflans July 15, 2011 at 3:46 pm

incandescent light bulbs!

zhubajie July 15, 2011 at 10:05 pm

American Chamber of Commerce. These are the guys who gave Donald "Buzz" Lukens an award for being the most conservative rep. in the US House. Just before Buzz was arrested for statutory rape with a series of early teens black girls in Columbus, OH! Even his vices were old fashioned! Punished with a big 30 days in jail, too.
http://www.astro.com/astro-databank/Lukens,_Don…..

Negropolis July 15, 2011 at 10:16 pm

I'm usuay confused about a lot of the teabagger stuff Wonkette finds, but this takes it to another level. I actually don't have anything to say; I'm so confused.

lochnessmonster July 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Too bad! I do not own a Face Place Spage Age Page so I can't vote…Wait this should be a good thing!

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