all grow'd up

Donald Rumsfeld Anally Probed By TSA

And he loves to 'work standing up,' too!Forgotten war criminal Donald Rumsfeld was taking a flight back to one of his mansions for the weekend when he was apprehended and felt up by TSA slobs. This is kind of like Justice, minus the part where Donald Rumsfeld was tortured for sixty-two years and then thrown into the Lake of Fire. Because, of course, there is no actual Justice. How are the new teevee shows this summer? Is there one about baseball, or dragons? How are those?

America’s only news source,, posted a funny picture of Rummy getting the squeeze at an airport security zone. His tie is all flying around, somebody’s got a baton up his butt, it’s comical.

Donald Rumsfeld invented obesity and cancer with his corn-syrup additive “aspartame,” which causes both obesity and cancer. Donald Rumsfeld was CEO of the company that invented this! And then he got Ronald Reagan to make the FDA approve this, as something dumped in every form of liquid horror Americans consume by the gallon, daily. Also Donald Rumsfeld is responsible for the Iraq War (almost 10 years old now!) and the Afghanistan War (more than 10 years old now!) and we are pretty sure he had a wet dream one night that was so powerful that it actually became 9/11. (This happens in teevee shows about Dragons & Tits.)

So, anyway, this horrific death monster was briefly inconvenienced at an airport, as a direct result of the things he did to America, but he probably was so numb on Rx painkillers that he doesn’t even know this happened. As for you: Never Forget! [TMZ/Foreign Policy]

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  1. not that Dewey

    You go through the security line with the anal cavity you have, not the anal cavity you'd like to have.

      1. not that Dewey

        Mr. Butz made a remark in which he described blacks as “coloreds” who wanted only three things — satisfying sex, loose shoes and a warm bathroom — desires that Mr. Butz listed in obscene and scatological terms.

        I believe that Mr. Rumsfeld was also a fan of "loose shoes".

  2. pinkocommi

    I once had a dream about Donald Rumsfeld that involved anal probing, but it ended quite differently.

    1. Negropolis

      I do hope you're in therapy for that. Having a dream about Rummy is bad enough, having it including his netheregions a whole other thing.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Let's not forget the fortune he made with Tamilflu during the bird flu "epidemic".

      Public Service has made him a rich man.

  3. hagajim

    I may have an anal cavity, but that's not the cavity I worry about after seeing Donny get probed….MY EYES, MY EYES…AAAAAAAGGGGGHHH! Actually it would just be nice if he and Dick just fucking died.

    1. OkieDokieDog

      Oh darn it – you beat me – we're having the same dream. And I do have a cattle prod.

  4. OkieDokieDog

    I'd like to anal probe him – with my cattle prod. ZAP!
    Oh to hear his screams of Don't tas me, bro!
    Uh oh another ZAP!
    I'm a "Sis", numbnuts.

    A girl can dream…

  5. Callyson

    TSA employees do NOT get paid enough…probing Rummy must have been torture for them…

  6. DaSandman

    Shouldn't he be pictured naked with a "Marcus Bachmann Anal Intruder Party Kit" inserted fully while wearing a hood and holding two electrodes?

    I mean, for old times sake? Glory days…

  7. flamingpdog

    "It takes those of us with two titanium hips and a titanium shoulder a bit longer to get through TSA," Rumsfeld posted on his Twitter feed earlier this afternoon.

    He forgot to mention his titanium teeth.

  8. guangho

    I don't think he appreciates the irony of being subjected to a regime he had a hand in installing for the purpose of terrorizing and exploiting OTHER people.

  9. plinkleton

    "My goodness" gushed the hellish death monster whenever he thought someone might be listening to his murderous treacherous fetid lies

  10. V572 der Plaatz

    I find myself feeling a lot more sympathetic to Rumsfeld since he apologized for all his mistakes in that book he was hawking on all available media a while back.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Same quality of character that endeared Lee Atwater to the minions who were gluttons for humiliation; all he needed was a high-church membership, and a deathbed from which to croon his song of repentance.
      Except we've come so far these days as to see most folks accept the song without the cancer vehicle, as Rumsfeld's evasion of deserved ignominy for his unsung crimes shows.

  11. ttommyunger

    This unprincipled Gazillionaire flying commercial? The horror………the horror! His Lear must have had some serious problems or else he is one penny-pinching dickwad. I'll vote for the latter, heavy on the dickwad.

  12. philpjfry

    Would have been better if the baton used on his anal cavity, ( I made myself throw up a little imagining that) was engraved with "George W Bush." Then he would have smiled even more. Koch sucker. But the big question is did they find any WMD's up there?

  13. voodooeconomics

    Another case of a democrat patriot picking on the Republican War Criminal. Must this continue unabated.
    I will bet money they did not detected the cutters

  14. JackObin

    All they found on him were nude pictures of the Bush Drunk stuck to a mini copy of Mein Kampf.

  15. Maman

    Alert Marcus Bachmann! Children all over the country are being indoctrinated into the gay by getting used to men on their knees feeling up other men.

  16. GhostBuggy

    At a nearby town in my state this weekend, there's going to be a "welcome home" for a young man recently killed in Afghanistan. So fuck you, Rumsfeld. Just, fuck you and your plane rides and airport groping and continued existence, and that shitty smile you've got there, as if to say, "har har, I was the dude that just murdered a whole bunch of kids, but sure, I'll do your little feel-up game." That's all I've got.

    Also, fuck Bush and Obama, while I'm irrationally angry at everything.

    1. Crank_Tango

      just because you're irrationally angry at everything does not mean it is irrational to be angry at everything. if that makes you feel any better, which it shouldn't.

  17. metamarcisf

    Speaking of bullshit, I just found out that Jesus' favorite record is "Freedom of Choice" by Devo.

  18. JoshuaNorton

    The worst part for the TSA agent is when they have to boil their hands afterwards.

  19. AntonovBureau

    Ha ha! Rumsfeld has to take commercial flights!

    Did he gamble away all those missing Iraqi/Afganistani billions?

    If you're going to be a war criminal, at least enrich yourself from it!

    1. flamingpdog

      Somebody, please, the next time Rummy's on a commercial flight, hijack the plane to "old" Europe.

    1. Warpde

      Well you need to remember.
      That all happened before Saddam showed him his weapon of mass destruction
      He hasn't walked the same since.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      I know even Ozzy would disagree, but I would put "War Pigs" up against any Beatles (or Stones or Who or Zeppelin) song, & it would still prolly come out on top.

      Sucks that Sabbath had to be from Birmingham, so that the British could reduce them to blue-collar gits who garble too much.

  20. NorthStarSpanx

    Just think of it, the indignity of having to travel with such a class of people, all Bush Cabinet members and staff should be banned from commercial airliners.

  21. smitallica

    It probably was a domestic flight. Y'know, cuz he can't really travel internationally, being a wanted war criminal and all.

  22. x111e7thst

    I never dream about dragons and tits. This is manifestly unfair and probs a sharia conspiracy.

    1. Negropolis

      These are the existential questions. Like a tree in the woods or one hand clapping.

  23. Warpde

    Ha, ha , ha, ha, ooooh!
    Know I know why Marcus Bachmann loves to fly.
    Check me, check me, you naughty TSA man.

  24. ifthethunderdontgetya


    * 9/11, * afghanistan, * cancer, * donald rumsfeld, * iraq, * never forget, * all grow'd up, * top, * tsa

    Donald Rumsfeld, just like Rick Perry, probably has a * large opening

    Just sayin'..

    1. user-of-owls

      Oh for the love of god, are you too young to remember the Wonkettini Troubles? Us ancients still bear the scars from that horrifying episode in Wonket history.

      Do. Not. Go. There.

      1. HistoriCat

        Do you a directory or are you just that good at searching out the Wonkette history? I can never find the story I'm looking for, when I want to find it.

  25. user-of-owls

    Finally, the truth will come out about the faking of Osama's death. There was no Abbottabad, they staged the whole fraud….inside Rumsfeld's asshole!!

    And that is why we say:
    Donald Rumsfeld's Asshole Osama is this generation's Nevada Soundstage Lunar Landing.

  26. Walkinwiddaking

    I'll bet it was the Old Europe that was behind (hee hee), this latest outrage.

  27. C_R_Eature

    We have the technology to do this remotely, now, which would certainly save the TSA agent's dignity.

    I don't see a problem with at Cruise Missile Anal Probe for Rummy, next time around.

  28. smashedinhat

    I hope they stole all the electronics from his luggage. And planted sex toys. Lots and lots of sex toys.

  29. fuflans

    people people i'm pretty sure the point is cut taxes and no abortions.

    and save light bulbs.

  30. Negropolis

    If this is the worst thing that'll ever happen to America's Sweetheart Torture Monster, he'll have been pretty lucky.

    This really isn't even an inconvenience for Republicans, though. They love to be touched by random men at the airport. Hell, that why they go to the airport to begin with; the means of conveyance is just the icing on the cake.

  31. DahBoner

    "We are pretty sure he had a wet dream one night"

    Actually, Rummy pissed America's bed.

    It was fun and warm at first, but later it was cold and America had to get up and change…

  32. RociStone

    "Rummy" has nothing to worry about. He's got so little to "feel up" that the TSA likely had to use a magnifying glass before having the biggest laugh since they wanded the last toddler who wandered by.

  33. shrillharpy

    Okay, so I'm glad he got probed by the TSA dude. But more importantly, did he have a wide-stance while on the john in the airport bathroom stall or not?

  34. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Ten years of deceiving the public re 11 SEP 01

    When the walls come tumblin' tumblin'
    When the walls come crumblin' down

    Bush Cheney Rove Rummy Rice
    The deceptions are in tatters.

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