all grow'd up

Donald Rumsfeld Anally Probed By TSA

And he loves to 'work standing up,' too!Forgotten war criminal Donald Rumsfeld was taking a flight back to one of his mansions for the weekend when he was apprehended and felt up by TSA slobs. This is kind of like Justice, minus the part where Donald Rumsfeld was tortured for sixty-two years and then thrown into the Lake of Fire. Because, of course, there is no actual Justice. How are the new teevee shows this summer? Is there one about baseball, or dragons? How are those?

America’s only news source, TMZ.com, posted a funny picture of Rummy getting the squeeze at an airport security zone. His tie is all flying around, somebody’s got a baton up his butt, it’s comical.

Donald Rumsfeld invented obesity and cancer with his corn-syrup additive “aspartame,” which causes both obesity and cancer. Donald Rumsfeld was CEO of the company that invented this! And then he got Ronald Reagan to make the FDA approve this, as something dumped in every form of liquid horror Americans consume by the gallon, daily. Also Donald Rumsfeld is responsible for the Iraq War (almost 10 years old now!) and the Afghanistan War (more than 10 years old now!) and we are pretty sure he had a wet dream one night that was so powerful that it actually became 9/11. (This happens in teevee shows about Dragons & Tits.)

So, anyway, this horrific death monster was briefly inconvenienced at an airport, as a direct result of the things he did to America, but he probably was so numb on Rx painkillers that he doesn’t even know this happened. As for you: Never Forget! [TMZ/Foreign Policy]

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  • CapnFatback

    So goes the last of Rumsfeld's known unknowns.

  • Barb

    Be right back, I need a Silkwood shower.

    • Swampgas_Man

      O Jeebus, don't tell me Rummy was responsible for that too.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      And then a rinse with bleach

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Brain bleach?

        • DashboardBuddha

          Oh! You mean vodka!

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            Or that south of the border magic liquor, takillya.

  • not that Dewey

    You go through the security line with the anal cavity you have, not the anal cavity you'd like to have.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      No butz about it (Earl or otherwise).

      • not that Dewey

        Mr. Butz made a remark in which he described blacks as “coloreds” who wanted only three things — satisfying sex, loose shoes and a warm bathroom — desires that Mr. Butz listed in obscene and scatological terms.

        I believe that Mr. Rumsfeld was also a fan of "loose shoes".

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          "Coloreds" was Mr. Butz being his most PC and not wishing to offend.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      The one stuffed full of baggies of oxycontin is the one Rush usually goes through with.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Just don't probe his pooper. He doesn't do quagmires.

  • pinkocommi

    I once had a dream about Donald Rumsfeld that involved anal probing, but it ended quite differently.

    • Negropolis

      I do hope you're in therapy for that. Having a dream about Rummy is bad enough, having it including his netheregions a whole other thing.

  • flamingpdog

    Donny smiling? Guess he likes getting Rumsfelt up!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Yum, aspartame!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Let's not forget the fortune he made with Tamilflu during the bird flu "epidemic".

      Public Service has made him a rich man.

  • hagajim

    I may have an anal cavity, but that's not the cavity I worry about after seeing Donny get probed….MY EYES, MY EYES…AAAAAAAGGGGGHHH! Actually it would just be nice if he and Dick just fucking died.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Screw the baton, bring on the electric cattle prod.

    • OkieDokieDog

      Oh darn it – you beat me – we're having the same dream. And I do have a cattle prod.

  • orygoon

    No waterboarding, or electrodes on his testicles? Not nearly enough story here.

  • Beowoof

    Oh if this could only have an unhappy ending.

  • http://www.burndownblog.com evan7257

    And that is why he uses a standing desk.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I'd like to anal probe him – with my cattle prod. ZAP!
    Oh to hear his screams of Don't tas me, bro!
    Uh oh another ZAP!
    I'm a "Sis", numbnuts.

    A girl can dream…

  • RedNM

    So much for his second amendment right to hide a handgun up his ass.

  • Callyson

    TSA employees do NOT get paid enough…probing Rummy must have been torture for them…

  • SexySmurf

    Why do they let him fly at all? Just look at who he pals around with.

  • DaSandman

    Shouldn't he be pictured naked with a "Marcus Bachmann Anal Intruder Party Kit" inserted fully while wearing a hood and holding two electrodes?

    I mean, for old times sake? Glory days…

  • flamingpdog

    "It takes those of us with two titanium hips and a titanium shoulder a bit longer to get through TSA," Rumsfeld posted on his Twitter feed earlier this afternoon.

    He forgot to mention his titanium teeth.

    • Nostrildamus

      Titanium brain, also.

      Or is it osmium?

      • AJWjr.

        I thought it was helium.

        • Brass Quintet

          He's getting in touch with his feminine side, so it's full of shelium.

      • LetUsBray

        His heart, on the other hand, is pure anthracite coal.

  • guangho

    I don't think he appreciates the irony of being subjected to a regime he had a hand in installing for the purpose of terrorizing and exploiting OTHER people.

  • plinkleton

    "My goodness" gushed the hellish death monster whenever he thought someone might be listening to his murderous treacherous fetid lies

  • V572 der Plaatz

    I find myself feeling a lot more sympathetic to Rumsfeld since he apologized for all his mistakes in that book he was hawking on all available media a while back.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Same quality of character that endeared Lee Atwater to the minions who were gluttons for humiliation; all he needed was a high-church membership, and a deathbed from which to croon his song of repentance.
      Except we've come so far these days as to see most folks accept the song without the cancer vehicle, as Rumsfeld's evasion of deserved ignominy for his unsung crimes shows.

    • Negropolis

      Rumsfeld apologizing; that's rich as hell.

  • poncho_pilot

    weapons grade asshole, that one.

  • Sue4466

    You go to the plane with the TSA you have.

  • ttommyunger

    This unprincipled Gazillionaire flying commercial? The horror………the horror! His Lear must have had some serious problems or else he is one penny-pinching dickwad. I'll vote for the latter, heavy on the dickwad.

  • philpjfry

    Would have been better if the baton used on his anal cavity, ( I made myself throw up a little imagining that) was engraved with "George W Bush." Then he would have smiled even more. Koch sucker. But the big question is did they find any WMD's up there?

    • flamingpdog

      Whoppingly Monstrous Dildoes, yeah.

  • voodooeconomics

    Another case of a democrat patriot picking on the Republican War Criminal. Must this continue unabated.
    I will bet money they did not detected the cutters

  • SayItWithWookies

    Next time in an orange jumpsuit, asshole.

    • V572 der Plaatz

      Or something like this

  • JackObin

    All they found on him were nude pictures of the Bush Drunk stuck to a mini copy of Mein Kampf.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Alert Marcus Bachmann! Children all over the country are being indoctrinated into the gay by getting used to men on their knees feeling up other men.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Needs more Santorum…

  • GhostBuggy

    At a nearby town in my state this weekend, there's going to be a "welcome home" for a young man recently killed in Afghanistan. So fuck you, Rumsfeld. Just, fuck you and your plane rides and airport groping and continued existence, and that shitty smile you've got there, as if to say, "har har, I was the dude that just murdered a whole bunch of kids, but sure, I'll do your little feel-up game." That's all I've got.

    Also, fuck Bush and Obama, while I'm irrationally angry at everything.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Your anger is not irrational.

    • Crank_Tango

      just because you're irrationally angry at everything does not mean it is irrational to be angry at everything. if that makes you feel any better, which it shouldn't.

      • GhostBuggy

        I will put this on a t-shirt.

  • metamarcisf

    Speaking of bullshit, I just found out that Jesus' favorite record is "Freedom of Choice" by Devo.

  • hollywooddood

    Anal probe? They could have stuck it in his mouth and gotten the same result.

  • JoshuaNorton

    The worst part for the TSA agent is when they have to boil their hands afterwards.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    This is why we fight!

  • AntonovBureau

    Ha ha! Rumsfeld has to take commercial flights!

    Did he gamble away all those missing Iraqi/Afganistani billions?

    If you're going to be a war criminal, at least enrich yourself from it!

    • flamingpdog

      Somebody, please, the next time Rummy's on a commercial flight, hijack the plane to "old" Europe.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Actually, it'd be interesting to find out how much he's making as a "consultant" these days.

    • zhubajie

      So how come he not studying in the School of Locks?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Donald Rumsfeld invented obesity and cancer with his corn-syrup additive “aspartame,” which causes both obesity and cancer.

    Lettuce not forget glad-handing with Amurka's most favorite former ally.

    P.S. War Pigs .
    ~

    • Warpde

      Well you need to remember.
      That all happened before Saddam showed him his weapon of mass destruction
      He hasn't walked the same since.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I know even Ozzy would disagree, but I would put "War Pigs" up against any Beatles (or Stones or Who or Zeppelin) song, & it would still prolly come out on top.

      Sucks that Sabbath had to be from Birmingham, so that the British could reduce them to blue-collar gits who garble too much.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Just think of it, the indignity of having to travel with such a class of people, all Bush Cabinet members and staff should be banned from commercial airliners.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      What if we figure out how to boil down their corpses and turn them into jet fuel?

  • OurHoboSenator

    At least the TSA didn't have to handle Cheney's giant package. They'd need some hazard pay for that for sure.

  • crybabyboehner

    And when they looked up Rumsfeld's ass they found Marc Thiessen's head.

  • smitallica

    It probably was a domestic flight. Y'know, cuz he can't really travel internationally, being a wanted war criminal and all.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Despite this, I'd still like to cockpunch him.

  • x111e7thst

    I never dream about dragons and tits. This is manifestly unfair and probs a sharia conspiracy.

    • mormos

      story of my life

  • MissTaken

    If you are just one giant asshole how does the TSA know where to probe?

    • Negropolis

      These are the existential questions. Like a tree in the woods or one hand clapping.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Let's hope he was boarding a plane bound for The Hague.

  • Warpde

    Ha, ha , ha, ha, ooooh!
    Know I know why Marcus Bachmann loves to fly.
    Check me, check me, you naughty TSA man.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Tagged:

    * 9/11, * afghanistan, * cancer, * donald rumsfeld, * iraq, * never forget, * all grow'd up, * top, * tsa

    Donald Rumsfeld, just like Rick Perry, probably has a * large opening

    Just sayin'..
    ~

  • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

    Thanks, Wonkette, for another entry in the "douche of the day" series you seem to be running. Who's next?

  • sportshort

    Fuck. And I was SO waiting for his full body scan to go on sale on eBay.

  • Nostrildamus

    This calls for a celebratory Wonkette cocktail. Recipies, anyone?

    • user-of-owls

      Oh for the love of god, are you too young to remember the Wonkettini Troubles? Us ancients still bear the scars from that horrifying episode in Wonket history.

      Do. Not. Go. There.

      • HistoriCat

        Do you a directory or are you just that good at searching out the Wonkette history? I can never find the story I'm looking for, when I want to find it.

  • CapeClod

    If there was any justice in the world, this guy would be a condom for an elephant.

    • user-of-owls

      A homo elephant.

  • user-of-owls

    Finally, the truth will come out about the faking of Osama's death. There was no Abbottabad, they staged the whole fraud….inside Rumsfeld's asshole!!

    And that is why we say:
    Donald Rumsfeld's Asshole Osama is this generation's Nevada Soundstage Lunar Landing.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I was wondering why we say that.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    I'll bet it was the Old Europe that was behind (hee hee), this latest outrage.

  • neiltheblaze

    And what about that TSA agent? He's gonna need hypnotherapy or something.

    • user-of-owls

      Well thank fucking god you went with hypno- and not aroma-

  • zhubajie

    Did he enjoy it?

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Fuck patting him down. they should slap a hood over his head and send the motherfucker to gitmo, also.

    • zhubajie

      Well, I was hoping that thing around his neck was a noose….

  • mormos

    We still remember, and we're still angry.

  • C_R_Eature

    We have the technology to do this remotely, now, which would certainly save the TSA agent's dignity.

    I don't see a problem with at Cruise Missile Anal Probe for Rummy, next time around.

  • Radiotherapy®

    It wasn't anal probing, it was enhanced examination.

  • smashedinhat

    I hope they stole all the electronics from his luggage. And planted sex toys. Lots and lots of sex toys.

    • Negropolis

      I'm sorry, but the avatar. WTF?

      • smashedinhat

        was wondering if anyone would notice that

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Did they find Rumsfeld's brain in there? Or Bush's brain?

    • neiltheblaze

      Karl Rove you mean?

    • zhubajie

      Both were flushed long ago.

  • Weenus299

    You go to the airport with the anus you have, not the anus you want.

  • Weenus299

    I wonder if he likes movies about gladiators?

  • fuflans

    people people i'm pretty sure the point is cut taxes and no abortions.

    and save light bulbs.

  • Negropolis

    If this is the worst thing that'll ever happen to America's Sweetheart Torture Monster, he'll have been pretty lucky.

    This really isn't even an inconvenience for Republicans, though. They love to be touched by random men at the airport. Hell, that why they go to the airport to begin with; the means of conveyance is just the icing on the cake.

  • DahBoner

    "We are pretty sure he had a wet dream one night"

    Actually, Rummy pissed America's bed.

    It was fun and warm at first, but later it was cold and America had to get up and change…

  • RociStone

    "Rummy" has nothing to worry about. He's got so little to "feel up" that the TSA likely had to use a magnifying glass before having the biggest laugh since they wanded the last toddler who wandered by.

  • shrillharpy

    Okay, so I'm glad he got probed by the TSA dude. But more importantly, did he have a wide-stance while on the john in the airport bathroom stall or not?

  • horsedreamer_1

    They vandalised his antiquities.

  • http://we.come-to-pottersville2.blogspot.com cmputrwizard

    He shares his buddy Rush's oxycontin, right?

    Smooth sailing!

    For them.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Ten years of deceiving the public re 11 SEP 01

    When the walls come tumblin' tumblin'
    When the walls come crumblin' down

    Bush Cheney Rove Rummy Rice
    The deceptions are in tatters.