ALL GROW'D UP  5:25 pm July 14, 2011

Donald Rumsfeld Anally Probed By TSA

by Wonkette Jr.

And he loves to 'work standing up,' too!Forgotten war criminal Donald Rumsfeld was taking a flight back to one of his mansions for the weekend when he was apprehended and felt up by TSA slobs. This is kind of like Justice, minus the part where Donald Rumsfeld was tortured for sixty-two years and then thrown into the Lake of Fire. Because, of course, there is no actual Justice. How are the new teevee shows this summer? Is there one about baseball, or dragons? How are those?

America’s only news source,, posted a funny picture of Rummy getting the squeeze at an airport security zone. His tie is all flying around, somebody’s got a baton up his butt, it’s comical.

Donald Rumsfeld invented obesity and cancer with his corn-syrup additive “aspartame,” which causes both obesity and cancer. Donald Rumsfeld was CEO of the company that invented this! And then he got Ronald Reagan to make the FDA approve this, as something dumped in every form of liquid horror Americans consume by the gallon, daily. Also Donald Rumsfeld is responsible for the Iraq War (almost 10 years old now!) and the Afghanistan War (more than 10 years old now!) and we are pretty sure he had a wet dream one night that was so powerful that it actually became 9/11. (This happens in teevee shows about Dragons & Tits.)

So, anyway, this horrific death monster was briefly inconvenienced at an airport, as a direct result of the things he did to America, but he probably was so numb on Rx painkillers that he doesn’t even know this happened. As for you: Never Forget! [TMZ/Foreign Policy]


Hola wonkerados.

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CapnFatback July 14, 2011 at 5:27 pm

So goes the last of Rumsfeld's known unknowns.

Barb July 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Be right back, I need a Silkwood shower.

Swampgas_Man July 14, 2011 at 5:32 pm

O Jeebus, don't tell me Rummy was responsible for that too.

Maman July 14, 2011 at 5:51 pm

And then a rinse with bleach

weejee July 14, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Brain bleach?

DashboardBuddha July 14, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Oh! You mean vodka!

weejee July 14, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Or that south of the border magic liquor, takillya.

not that Dewey July 14, 2011 at 5:29 pm

You go through the security line with the anal cavity you have, not the anal cavity you'd like to have.

weejee July 14, 2011 at 6:44 pm

No butz about it (Earl or otherwise).

not that Dewey July 14, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Mr. Butz made a remark in which he described blacks as “coloreds” who wanted only three things — satisfying sex, loose shoes and a warm bathroom — desires that Mr. Butz listed in obscene and scatological terms.

I believe that Mr. Rumsfeld was also a fan of "loose shoes".

weejee July 14, 2011 at 7:18 pm

"Coloreds" was Mr. Butz being his most PC and not wishing to offend.

KenLayIsAlive July 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm

The one stuffed full of baggies of oxycontin is the one Rush usually goes through with.

Doktor Zoom July 14, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Just don't probe his pooper. He doesn't do quagmires.

pinkocommi July 14, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I once had a dream about Donald Rumsfeld that involved anal probing, but it ended quite differently.

Negropolis July 15, 2011 at 2:53 am

I do hope you're in therapy for that. Having a dream about Rummy is bad enough, having it including his netheregions a whole other thing.

flamingpdog July 14, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Donny smiling? Guess he likes getting Rumsfelt up!

anniegetyerfun July 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Yum, aspartame!

Oblios_Cap July 15, 2011 at 8:08 am

Let's not forget the fortune he made with Tamilflu during the bird flu "epidemic".

Public Service has made him a rich man.

hagajim July 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I may have an anal cavity, but that's not the cavity I worry about after seeing Donny get probed….MY EYES, MY EYES…AAAAAAAGGGGGHHH! Actually it would just be nice if he and Dick just fucking died.

elviouslyqueer July 14, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Screw the baton, bring on the electric cattle prod.

OkieDokieDog July 14, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Oh darn it – you beat me – we're having the same dream. And I do have a cattle prod.

orygoon July 14, 2011 at 5:36 pm

No waterboarding, or electrodes on his testicles? Not nearly enough story here.

Beowoof July 14, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Oh if this could only have an unhappy ending.

evan7257 July 14, 2011 at 5:36 pm

And that is why he uses a standing desk.

OkieDokieDog July 14, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I'd like to anal probe him – with my cattle prod. ZAP!
Oh to hear his screams of Don't tas me, bro!
Uh oh another ZAP!
I'm a "Sis", numbnuts.

A girl can dream…

RedNM July 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm

So much for his second amendment right to hide a handgun up his ass.

Callyson July 14, 2011 at 5:39 pm

TSA employees do NOT get paid enough…probing Rummy must have been torture for them…

SexySmurf July 14, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Why do they let him fly at all? Just look at who he pals around with.

DaSandman July 14, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Shouldn't he be pictured naked with a "Marcus Bachmann Anal Intruder Party Kit" inserted fully while wearing a hood and holding two electrodes?

I mean, for old times sake? Glory days…

flamingpdog July 14, 2011 at 5:41 pm

"It takes those of us with two titanium hips and a titanium shoulder a bit longer to get through TSA," Rumsfeld posted on his Twitter feed earlier this afternoon.

He forgot to mention his titanium teeth.

Nostrildamus July 14, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Titanium brain, also.

Or is it osmium?

AJWjr. July 14, 2011 at 6:38 pm

I thought it was helium.

Brass Quintet July 14, 2011 at 7:02 pm

He's getting in touch with his feminine side, so it's full of shelium.

LetUsBray July 14, 2011 at 9:49 pm

His heart, on the other hand, is pure anthracite coal.

guangho July 14, 2011 at 5:42 pm

I don't think he appreciates the irony of being subjected to a regime he had a hand in installing for the purpose of terrorizing and exploiting OTHER people.

plinkleton July 14, 2011 at 5:43 pm

"My goodness" gushed the hellish death monster whenever he thought someone might be listening to his murderous treacherous fetid lies

V572 der Plaatz July 14, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I find myself feeling a lot more sympathetic to Rumsfeld since he apologized for all his mistakes in that book he was hawking on all available media a while back.

Mumbletypeg July 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Same quality of character that endeared Lee Atwater to the minions who were gluttons for humiliation; all he needed was a high-church membership, and a deathbed from which to croon his song of repentance.
Except we've come so far these days as to see most folks accept the song without the cancer vehicle, as Rumsfeld's evasion of deserved ignominy for his unsung crimes shows.

Negropolis July 15, 2011 at 2:56 am

Rumsfeld apologizing; that's rich as hell.

poncho_pilot July 14, 2011 at 5:46 pm

weapons grade asshole, that one.

Sue4466 July 14, 2011 at 5:47 pm

You go to the plane with the TSA you have.

ttommyunger July 14, 2011 at 5:48 pm

This unprincipled Gazillionaire flying commercial? The horror………the horror! His Lear must have had some serious problems or else he is one penny-pinching dickwad. I'll vote for the latter, heavy on the dickwad.

philpjfry July 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Would have been better if the baton used on his anal cavity, ( I made myself throw up a little imagining that) was engraved with "George W Bush." Then he would have smiled even more. Koch sucker. But the big question is did they find any WMD's up there?

flamingpdog July 15, 2011 at 12:17 am

Whoppingly Monstrous Dildoes, yeah.

voodooeconomics July 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Another case of a democrat patriot picking on the Republican War Criminal. Must this continue unabated.
I will bet money they did not detected the cutters

SayItWithWookies July 14, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Next time in an orange jumpsuit, asshole.

V572 der Plaatz July 14, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Or something like this

JackObin July 14, 2011 at 5:51 pm

All they found on him were nude pictures of the Bush Drunk stuck to a mini copy of Mein Kampf.

Maman July 14, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Alert Marcus Bachmann! Children all over the country are being indoctrinated into the gay by getting used to men on their knees feeling up other men.

Texan_Bulldog July 14, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Needs more Santorum…

GhostBuggy July 14, 2011 at 6:02 pm

At a nearby town in my state this weekend, there's going to be a "welcome home" for a young man recently killed in Afghanistan. So fuck you, Rumsfeld. Just, fuck you and your plane rides and airport groping and continued existence, and that shitty smile you've got there, as if to say, "har har, I was the dude that just murdered a whole bunch of kids, but sure, I'll do your little feel-up game." That's all I've got.

Also, fuck Bush and Obama, while I'm irrationally angry at everything.

Nothingisamiss July 14, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Your anger is not irrational.

Crank_Tango July 14, 2011 at 7:10 pm

just because you're irrationally angry at everything does not mean it is irrational to be angry at everything. if that makes you feel any better, which it shouldn't.

GhostBuggy July 15, 2011 at 1:41 am

I will put this on a t-shirt.

metamarcisf July 14, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Speaking of bullshit, I just found out that Jesus' favorite record is "Freedom of Choice" by Devo.

hollywooddood July 14, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Anal probe? They could have stuck it in his mouth and gotten the same result.

JoshuaNorton July 14, 2011 at 6:07 pm

The worst part for the TSA agent is when they have to boil their hands afterwards.

DerrickWildcat July 14, 2011 at 6:07 pm

This is why we fight!

AntonovBureau July 14, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Ha ha! Rumsfeld has to take commercial flights!

Did he gamble away all those missing Iraqi/Afganistani billions?

If you're going to be a war criminal, at least enrich yourself from it!

flamingpdog July 14, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Somebody, please, the next time Rummy's on a commercial flight, hijack the plane to "old" Europe.

starfanglednut July 14, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Actually, it'd be interesting to find out how much he's making as a "consultant" these days.

zhubajie July 14, 2011 at 9:58 pm

So how come he not studying in the School of Locks?

ifthethunderdontgetya July 14, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Donald Rumsfeld invented obesity and cancer with his corn-syrup additive “aspartame,” which causes both obesity and cancer.

Lettuce not forget glad-handing with Amurka's most favorite former ally.

P.S. War Pigs .

Warpde July 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Well you need to remember.
That all happened before Saddam showed him his weapon of mass destruction
He hasn't walked the same since.

horsedreamer_1 July 15, 2011 at 8:45 am

I know even Ozzy would disagree, but I would put "War Pigs" up against any Beatles (or Stones or Who or Zeppelin) song, & it would still prolly come out on top.

Sucks that Sabbath had to be from Birmingham, so that the British could reduce them to blue-collar gits who garble too much.

NorthStarSpanx July 14, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Just think of it, the indignity of having to travel with such a class of people, all Bush Cabinet members and staff should be banned from commercial airliners.

KenLayIsAlive July 14, 2011 at 7:05 pm

What if we figure out how to boil down their corpses and turn them into jet fuel?

OurHoboSenator July 14, 2011 at 6:15 pm

At least the TSA didn't have to handle Cheney's giant package. They'd need some hazard pay for that for sure.

crybabyboehner July 14, 2011 at 6:21 pm

And when they looked up Rumsfeld's ass they found Marc Thiessen's head.

smitallica July 14, 2011 at 6:24 pm

It probably was a domestic flight. Y'know, cuz he can't really travel internationally, being a wanted war criminal and all.

BaldarTFlagass July 14, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Despite this, I'd still like to cockpunch him.

x111e7thst July 14, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I never dream about dragons and tits. This is manifestly unfair and probs a sharia conspiracy.

mormos July 14, 2011 at 9:26 pm

story of my life

MissTaken July 14, 2011 at 6:37 pm

If you are just one giant asshole how does the TSA know where to probe?

Negropolis July 15, 2011 at 3:01 am

These are the existential questions. Like a tree in the woods or one hand clapping.

PuckStopsHere July 14, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Let's hope he was boarding a plane bound for The Hague.

Warpde July 14, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Ha, ha , ha, ha, ooooh!
Know I know why Marcus Bachmann loves to fly.
Check me, check me, you naughty TSA man.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 14, 2011 at 7:00 pm


* 9/11, * afghanistan, * cancer, * donald rumsfeld, * iraq, * never forget, * all grow'd up, * top, * tsa

Donald Rumsfeld, just like Rick Perry, probably has a * large opening

Just sayin'..

ProudLibunatic July 14, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Thanks, Wonkette, for another entry in the "douche of the day" series you seem to be running. Who's next?

sportshort July 14, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Fuck. And I was SO waiting for his full body scan to go on sale on eBay.

Nostrildamus July 14, 2011 at 7:11 pm

This calls for a celebratory Wonkette cocktail. Recipies, anyone?

user-of-owls July 14, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Oh for the love of god, are you too young to remember the Wonkettini Troubles? Us ancients still bear the scars from that horrifying episode in Wonket history.

Do. Not. Go. There.

HistoriCat July 15, 2011 at 9:23 am

Do you a directory or are you just that good at searching out the Wonkette history? I can never find the story I'm looking for, when I want to find it.

CapeClod July 14, 2011 at 7:13 pm

If there was any justice in the world, this guy would be a condom for an elephant.

user-of-owls July 14, 2011 at 7:33 pm

A homo elephant.

user-of-owls July 14, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Finally, the truth will come out about the faking of Osama's death. There was no Abbottabad, they staged the whole fraud….inside Rumsfeld's asshole!!

And that is why we say:
Donald Rumsfeld's Asshole Osama is this generation's Nevada Soundstage Lunar Landing.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 14, 2011 at 10:44 pm

I was wondering why we say that.

Walkinwiddaking July 14, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I'll bet it was the Old Europe that was behind (hee hee), this latest outrage.

neiltheblaze July 14, 2011 at 8:19 pm

And what about that TSA agent? He's gonna need hypnotherapy or something.

user-of-owls July 14, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Well thank fucking god you went with hypno- and not aroma-

zhubajie July 14, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Did he enjoy it?

starfanglednut July 14, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Fuck patting him down. they should slap a hood over his head and send the motherfucker to gitmo, also.

zhubajie July 17, 2011 at 7:07 am

Well, I was hoping that thing around his neck was a noose….

mormos July 14, 2011 at 9:20 pm

We still remember, and we're still angry.

C_R_Eature July 14, 2011 at 9:24 pm

We have the technology to do this remotely, now, which would certainly save the TSA agent's dignity.

I don't see a problem with at Cruise Missile Anal Probe for Rummy, next time around.

Radiotherapy® July 14, 2011 at 9:38 pm

It wasn't anal probing, it was enhanced examination.

smashedinhat July 14, 2011 at 9:47 pm

I hope they stole all the electronics from his luggage. And planted sex toys. Lots and lots of sex toys.

Negropolis July 15, 2011 at 3:04 am

I'm sorry, but the avatar. WTF?

smashedinhat July 15, 2011 at 1:19 pm

was wondering if anyone would notice that

tribbzthesquidz July 14, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Did they find Rumsfeld's brain in there? Or Bush's brain?

neiltheblaze July 14, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Karl Rove you mean?

zhubajie July 17, 2011 at 7:08 am

Both were flushed long ago.

Weenus299 July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm

You go to the airport with the anus you have, not the anus you want.

Weenus299 July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I wonder if he likes movies about gladiators?

fuflans July 14, 2011 at 10:39 pm

people people i'm pretty sure the point is cut taxes and no abortions.

and save light bulbs.

Negropolis July 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm

If this is the worst thing that'll ever happen to America's Sweetheart Torture Monster, he'll have been pretty lucky.

This really isn't even an inconvenience for Republicans, though. They love to be touched by random men at the airport. Hell, that why they go to the airport to begin with; the means of conveyance is just the icing on the cake.

DahBoner July 15, 2011 at 12:41 am

"We are pretty sure he had a wet dream one night"

Actually, Rummy pissed America's bed.

It was fun and warm at first, but later it was cold and America had to get up and change…

RociStone July 15, 2011 at 8:15 am

"Rummy" has nothing to worry about. He's got so little to "feel up" that the TSA likely had to use a magnifying glass before having the biggest laugh since they wanded the last toddler who wandered by.

shrillharpy July 15, 2011 at 8:26 am

Okay, so I'm glad he got probed by the TSA dude. But more importantly, did he have a wide-stance while on the john in the airport bathroom stall or not?

horsedreamer_1 July 15, 2011 at 8:46 am

They vandalised his antiquities.

cmputrwizard July 15, 2011 at 9:26 am

He shares his buddy Rush's oxycontin, right?

Smooth sailing!

For them.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi July 16, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Ten years of deceiving the public re 11 SEP 01

When the walls come tumblin' tumblin'
When the walls come crumblin' down

Bush Cheney Rove Rummy Rice
The deceptions are in tatters.

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