republican family values

Oklahoma First Daughter Does Sexxxy ‘Fashion Shoot’ In Gov’s Mansion

Who knows that in Oklahoma, the governor’s name is Mary Fallin, raise your hand? And it is pronounced “Mary Failin'” as though it rhymes with “Palin.” WHAT ARE THE ODDS? Therefore, on that basis, we will share with you this ridiculous video according to the laws of ridiculousness, in which staunch social conservative Mary Fallin’s daughter decided she wanted to do a corny sexytime fashion shoot at the Governor’s Mansion.

For the record, we do not care what this young lady does with her time. In fact, we would like to encourage more politicians’ offspring to march around in tasteless drag costumes and six-inch heels in front of their Republican parents’ expensive homes (or really any children of family values Republicans). We would like Bristol Palin infinitely better if she did something more interesting than getting knocked up in a tent and forcing someone else to ghostwrite her memoir about this awkward, gross mistake, since we are forced to write about her anyway.  So there. Enjoy! [La Figa]

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    1. prommie

      It isn't just that it so "tarty." Its also, "retarded." Stupid, possibly deranged. Megan's boob shot, with the Salinger book in it, really was, well, classy, in comparison. And smart. This is sad, pathetic, and risible.

      1. Limeylizzie

        You are so right, it makes you wonder what the parents are like , she seems very pathetic .

          1. horsedreamer_1

            She'll be a back-up dancer for Flaming Lips at the OKC homecoming show.

            She also might already be a SuicideGirl.

    1. Omophagist

      Let me know when that happens. BJs are no doubt really cheap in the backroom of an Oklahoma strip joint. I'm guessing about $5 and six pack of Milwaukee's Best is all it takes…then again dinner at Appleby's and a couple of Blue Moon pints would probably get me about the same distance with this girl.

      1. weejee

        Silly me. Living in this neighborhood I shoulda known Graham was getting a bit too up in years for any serious platform diving.

  1. V572 der Plaatz

    Love the aluminum storm door on the front of the gubernor's mansion. Stay klassy, Okkklahoma!

    1. Rotundo_

      They're still adjusting to things like flush toilets and using paper instead of corn cobs in that house, so a few minor archetectural "misses" should probably be excused.

  2. MittsHairHelmet

    She's probly one of those girls on facebook who lets a creepy "photographer" take ridiculous pictures of them looking like a slut then posts it under the album title "Modeling Pics"

    1. Crank_Tango

      or how about that miss nascar chick who said she would absolutely not do topless/nude, so don't ask, and then bam! I get to see her butthole on teh interwebz.

      not sure how they are connected but damn that girl was hot.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Paige Duke, I presume.

        The name looks familiar, from a "Girls of the ACC" feature in Playboy, in '08-'09, but I am not positive on that. Think she might have been at Clemson?

  3. PuckStopsHere

    I'll bet there is a video out there of Marcus Bachmann wearing the same outfits. He looks like a whore, too.

    1. Rotundo_

      What materials would you make a six inch stilletto heel platform shoe (also known as Fuck Me Pumps) that would work with Marcus? The front part of the shoe/sole is no big deal, but the stilletto heel would have to be titanium or carbon fiber to be safe for bearing that kind of load. The materials engineering of tranny shoes would actually be kinda cool, no doubt some crossover technologies from aircraft and weapon technologies. And neon feather accents.

    2. user-of-owls

      "Sure she [Michelle] was great, but don't forget Marcus did everything she did backwards…and in high heels!"

  4. SorosBot

    "Magazin"? Really? Dammit, Gov. Failin has shown that Palin is that America's worst ever governor when it comes to naming her children.

      1. SexySmurf

        Her name is actually Christina Fallin-Bacon, which sounds both slutty and delicious.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          That's actually a nickname that the Jews were going to bless Michele Bachmann with, but now they can't.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Christina "Failin' Bacon" it is. Thank the gods I wasn't hosting a mouthful of anything when I read that priceless tidbit.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Christina, Failin Bacon, I'd like the sausage links. And crispy on the hash browns.

    1. fartknocker

      Do any of these titles work for you:

      Nailin Fallin
      Tammy Does Tulsa
      Mary Does Muskogee

  5. metamarcisf

    Her name is Sharia Failin and she spends her time getting stoned in the town square out in Enid.

  6. Limeylizzie

    OT but delicious…Piers Morgan is now in the crosshairs for the NOTW saga, couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

        1. Tommmcattt

          Hear that Gimp? You're filth! FILTH I SAY! Crawl back in your filthy hole!

          (It such a nice afternoon here my heart is hardly in it)

      1. Crank_Tango

        the best part is that asshole probably refers tho herself as a "producer" yet spends all day hovering over wonket producing absolutely nothing but ass spread.

    1. widestanceroman

      Surely it's 467 Speedos stitched together. Or is there now a Chris Christie line?

      1. Tommmcattt

        It's actually a circus tent with a sideways "Vee" painted on the entry flap.

        Heh. Think "David Huckabee" then immeditately think "Entry Flap". TeeHeeHee!


    2. DashboardBuddha

      Hey…I was just about to have dinner, but now food is the furthest thing from my mind. I think we may have a winning diet plan here!

  7. DaSandman

    Ah she's young. Needs a couple ghey besties to show her how to dress with taste and class.

    Fashion emergency!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Coulter after some world-class plastic surgery, maybe. (Any operation on Coulter is plastic surgery, by definition, but you know what I mean.)

  8. sportshort

    Dang! She is really super….tepid? It looks so sad, like a Slurpee party in the desert when the machine breaks and the buzzards start circling and…well, just fucking sad.

  9. Nothingisamiss

    Soooo I'm guessing when a white girl does it (sex in a tent, out of wedlock birth, jugs in a twitter pic, drag dancing in see through clothing) it's still all family values? It is so confusing.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The trick is to claim in public that you regret doing it, and maybe get some pseudo-Xtian pseudo-rehab if you can't easily sell the regret thing. What's brilliant is that you can keep on doing it, and keep on regretting it, with little loss of credibilty among the wingtard demographic. Heck, they'll even spend their meager SSD benefits on your book explaining why you regret it so much — so long as you describe what you did in sufficiently lurid detail (an important grifting pointer that Sarah forgot to teach to Brisdull.)

    1. Tundra Grifter

      "I got twenty years for lovin' her,
      "From the Oklahoma Governor."

      Sorry, that's all of that song that I can still remember.

      1. MilwaukeeKent

        Ah, Tom Waits, right? But not the same song with
        "He bought a secondhand Nova from a Cuban-Chinese
        And dyed his hair in the men's room of a Texaco."

        Though that would also be good advice after hitting on the Governor's daughter, along with what Smitallica said…

      2. Amo_of_Bogio

        From the song and the album of the same name, Swordfishtrombone:

        …And he got 20 years for lovin' her from some Oklahoma governor
        said everything this Doughboy does is wrong

        Now some say he's doing the obituary mambo
        Now some say that he's hanging on the wall
        Perhaps this yarn's the only thing that holds this man together
        Some say he was never here at all

  10. seppdecker

    "Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?"

    "No Barbie, it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns."

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      Are they really DSLs, or just made up to look like it? Let's check it out in the lab!

    1. user-of-owls

      What the fuck was that from?? It's been buggin' the shit outta me forever! Some skit where a superpimp is sportin' them and starts slippin' and winds up having the whole street laughing at him

          1. user-of-owls

            No, no, fucking no. Teh clip I'ma looking for features a mob-a-laughing at teh pimp who's wobbling on teh aqua-heels. Maybe I is hallucinatin'. but I think I saw this scene in something or other.

    1. user-of-owls

      I seriously doubt that Cherokee Nation is going to like that remark.

      Now, Gated Community Golf Course And Martinis Nation, well they'll be all, "We've been saying that for years."

  11. GhostBuggy

    So, what's the over/under on when Mom issues a statement saying her daughter was tricked into this by the liberal "Hollywood-type" photographer?

    1. GOPCrusher

      This photo shoot had nothing to do with sex. Get your filthy librul mind out of the gutter!

  12. GuyClinch

    Future Suicide Girl.

    By the way, is there anyone in this terrible world that actually enjoys that kind of juddering, sped-up shaky video editing?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      When you're juiced on meth, the whole world looks like that — maybe you get used to it?

  13. anniegetyerfun

    Hey, she's doing the see-through dress thingie! I'm so glad that trend has started, actually. I urge more women to please look into trying this look out, preferrably while visiting my lovely city, Seattle*.

    *where it is currently raining in the middle of fucking JULY, thanks

        1. V572 der Plaatz

          You won't see Jerry Brown's daughters dancing on the steps of the governor's mansion!

    1. Mumbletypeg

      That site is hilarious. By "see-through dress thingie" I must've thought you were referring to that other politician's daughter who made "Kerry" nearly synonymous with, hm, carefree?

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Oh, Alexandra's take was less intentional, and probably not for the sake of Man Repelling.

        It IS a great site. Can wear on you after a while – the creator is hilarious and fun, but after a couple of days, you sort of want to scream "NOT EVERYONE CAN AFFORD THOSE FUCKING 'FRIENDSHIP' BRACELETS, YOU RICH CHILD." And then I turn to Honestly WFT, who are fashionable and into DIY.

  14. Crank_Tango

    Why do I get the impression that 20-something is what this young tori spelling charges for a tug job?

  15. pinkocommi

    Mary Fallin should stop judging other people for the choices they make and focus more on keeping her daughter off the pole.

  16. orygoon

    Hey, I have humble beginnings. I, too, was born in Oklahoma. So Mary F., I'm sayin' to you, you can rise above that hand you were originally dealt.

  17. thefrontpage

    Message to Mary Failin's daughter: The clothes are stupid, the pictures are stupid, the name "twentysomething" for a magazine is stupid, shooting anything like this at a governor's mansion is stupid, the video is stupid, and anyone at the governor's mansion and anyone in the Failin family involved in this is stupid.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Is there no hairdresser in Oklahoma who can do a decent buttery blonde and not just single process?

  18. widestanceroman

    We grow some butt-ugly cheap-ass whores in our small towns.

    She's the kind of girl you don't take home to Mother, since Mother already threatened to kill her if she caught her blowing the hogs again. Hog semen is gold in these parts and Mother is not happy it's being squandered on sluts.

  19. ttommyunger

    They cut it short because after that last sit-down on the ground shot, they had to slide her over a manhole to get her on her feet again. Suction libel!

  20. Guppy06

    And the morals and standards that produced this fine young woman, this upstanding member of society, are the very same that her mother's political party would impose on us all.

    Remember: If you want more trollops, vote Republican!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Republicans pine for that golden age in America when, in cities across this great and blessed land, street trollops provided an inexpensive ride for the working man.

  21. mrblifil

    Nothing peps up fashion footage than playing every clip at 300% speed so she looks like a keystone cop dungeon mistress/circus clown in drag.

  22. NorthStarSpanx

    Models don't wear those kind of shoes. Honolulu street walkers and classless Fredericks of Hollywood types yes, models no.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Yeah, so what's yer point? We don't always have to eat Chateau Briand. Sometimes you just want a big greasy sack of White Castles.

  23. north_of_moscow

    You can't blame the poor girl for her mother. Those shoes, on the other hand, well, bless her heart.

  24. mourningnmerica

    Harlot !!! Jezebel !!! Heathen !!!

    She's pretty hot, though. I'd do her in a minute. I mean, literally.

      1. genxr

        yeah, as soon as she catches her breath enough to start telling me about all the cool hipster hangouts in Oklahoma, I'm out of there like a scalded dog.

  25. mourningnmerica

    Tell the truth. Doesn't this video make you want to consider Sharia Law? A little bit?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The "whore of Babylon" look does suggest why Sharia was invented — but isn't Oklahoma exactly where they made that impossible?

      1. genxr

        Haha, charade you are! Thwarted again by the family values crowd, always one step ahead of you, lieberulunaticsocialismuslins!

  26. DashboardBuddha

    Seriously…is this what we have come to? The daughter of a state governor is doing (rancid) cheescake shots at the fucking governor's mansion.

    The mind boggles.

  27. OneYieldRegular

    If "The Last Picture Show" had been remade in the early 1990's, I suspect it would've looked something like this.

  28. hagajim

    How about we do an all-girl sexytime and title it Fallin's nailin Palin and we can have her and Bristol star….can't get preggers that way.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      In a tent, with wine coolers.

      They can both sign into a Christian lesbian-cure clinic afterwards, if need be, before going on their red-state-only book tour.

  29. franco_pinyon

    Oh my! What is up with these tight-ass, family values Repubs and their kids?

    How could being raised by a gay couple seem suspect when the spokespeople for the Repubs social agenda have daughters like this, and Bristol Palin?

    1. comrad_darkness

      Their non-stop freak out of making rules about how everyone else should live is one long cry for help.

  30. comrad_darkness

    Huh, the nickname Sarah Failin' never seems to come up. I guess we never got past Sarah Quitin' to think of it.

  31. user-of-owls

    You know, Tom Coburn sounding the debauchery alarm years all the way back in 2004!

    Lesbianism is so rampant in some of the schools in southeast Oklahoma that they'll only let one girl go to the bathroom. Now think about it. Think about that issue. How is it that that's happened to us?

    A true sage, that man. Plus, Oklahoma ended that fiscal with an unexpectedly large budget surplus, which the State Treasurer attributed to an inexplicable 950% surge in tourism receipts in and around Tahlequah, Atoka and Coalgate.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      It would seem that Okie menfolk have become seriously undesirable. Could be the tinfoil hats, or the rampant misogyny. A combination of the two would certainly account for the current state of, umm, affairs.

    2. Negropolis

      Man, where was that bathroom at my high school? All they had in the womens room at my high school was a coach and an end table. Don't ask; I won't tell.

    3. genxr

      It's true, they only let one girl go to the bathroom, and for that girl, life was good. For everyone else, it was four years of extreme discomfort.

  32. voodooeconomics

    Pornographically she has qualities that could fit well in one of Lexington Steele epic movies.

  33. prommie

    I have watched it now, and I have nothing to say except that it suddenly struck me that she has all the talent, and looks, of Jessica Hahn. Jessica fucking Hahn.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      OMFG!!!!!!!!! Words fail me. The Onion can only dream of dreaming up something like this.

      This is worth a Wonkette page of its own — and a truly epic snarkfest.

      Just for starters, hubbie-the-hipster (can I get a TM on "hickster"?), Mr. Bacon, is a 31-year-old "art student", and a partner (with daddy, no doubt) in an oil-and-gas scheme of some sort. (No need for Bacon to bring home the bacon; it arrives in the mail.)

      It only goes downhill from there. Let me put it this way: Someone was apalled enough to comment that it made them "glad to be from Texas."

      1. Negropolis

        Matthew Bacon is 31 years old and is a partner in an oil and gas company. Matt is also obtaining his degree at the University of Oklahoma. He is passionate about his work, music, art and design. He is also the care taker of Christina and Matt’s dog, Scruffy. He is a self proclaimed “Renaissance”

        Honestly, you can't make this shit up.

        1. genxr

          Now I know where I've seen him before. That episode of King of the Hill where the Pimp from "The OKC" comes into town. "That's how we do it in the OKC"

          I, too, am a self-proclaimed Renaissance. Not Renaissance Man, I'm the whole fucking Renaissance.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            You may have seen him on the Oklahoma Dep't of Corrections web site.
            Convicted for possession with intent to sell.

            If he was colored, and poor, he'd have been sent to the state penitentiary for a decade or two. But he's white, and rich, so he gets to marry the governor's daughter instead.

    2. comrad_darkness

      I love Satire Proof. (Hey, that'd make a great band name . . .)

      "So, if you want to buy the couple a $1,200 Versace Butterfly Garden Soup Tureen, feel free."

      But the educated liberals are the "elites". Ha ha. Man the teatards are so getting played.

  34. LetUsBray

    Is everyone in a Rethuglican family all messed up and creepy?

    Note: That's a rhetorical question.

  35. MilwaukeeKent

    Does Betty Page know about those shoes? She's getting married, why do I think the wedding photographer won't be Larry Clarke and the band won't be the Flaming Lips?

  36. fuflans

    there's an ancient dilbert cartoon wherein dilbert confronts his unfed ego who tells him he's so unfed he's going to try out for a play.

    this is what i thought of.l

  37. Negropolis

    You know what they say, she may not be a hooker, but she's sure wearing a hooker's uniform.

    Kind of OT, but some of the most miserable country I've ever had the pleasure of driving through was I-40 between OKC and Amarillo. Really, between OKC and Albuquerque. You haven't smelled hell until you've smelled mile-long stockyards.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Hideous. We have to do it twice last year. If I won the lottery, I'd give massive amounts of moohla to the NPR station in Cameron U, in SW OK so they can expand their signal to cover the TX Panhandle.=

      We were adjusting the radio and clinging to their broadcast as hard as we could, then there was nothing. Nothing being Xian music, Country Music, Mexican music and, I assume if we'd search AM, Hate Talk. At the moment we realized our last touch with civilization had given way, I looked up at the exit sign. Who knew we'd be in fucking Bush, TX.

      1. Negropolis

        All that said, I've been down the Indian Nation Turnpike and through eastern and southeastern Oklahoma, and it's some beautiful, green country.

    2. user-of-owls

      Ah, yes, The Tunnel of Stench. In order to truly experience it, you simply must pass through it in mid-August. And stay overnight in Amarillo. In a shitty hotel where you are full-body embraced by The Stink and serenaded by the low-flying B-52s.

      It's sort of a Tenth Wonder of the World. In opposite-world.

  38. DustBowlBlues

    You mean Mattress Mary? Who, while Lt. Guv with family values, had an affair with her bodyguard and dumped her husband. That mother? Yeah, you'd be right. She's family values slut with no neck. Seriously, no neck. When she looks to her side, she has to move her entire body.

    Daughter stole her hair color from her tramp mother. But they're Republithugs. In the Bible Belt, that's all it takes to be family values.

  39. DustBowlBlues

    This went up after the old man commandeered the computer last night for his porn watch. (This isn't his kind of porn, anyway). I didn't get a chance to respond, but this AM checked the "Oklahoman''s" (worst newspaper in US, officially–according to Columbia School of Journalism) web site and there was no reference to this. Imagine. The Tulsa World got it.

    Lame post, I know, but I felt obilgated to say something about the beloved homeland. After all, I can hear all the wonkeratti demanding. DustBowlBlues! What does she think. I haven't read most of the replies, but I'm assuming that's what you were saying.

  40. dopper0189

    What a bummer when I read the words "6 inch heels","conservative""prance"" I was assuming it would be another gay family value Republican not a plain Jane looking chick.

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