PRIORITIES  3:38 pm July 14, 2011

Minnesota Governor Offers To End Shutdown, Reestablish Beer Supply

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

this is how you can picture the canadian invasion.It seems the threat of becoming boozeless in Minnesota was enough to finally motivate Governor Mark Dayton to try to end the shutdown out of fear he’d need to impose order on a state full of stone sober Lutherans, who if any of you history majors out there can remember are just descendants of the Viking “barbarians” that even Marcus Bachmann cannot cure, so it will all eventually end up in a Canadian invasion to kidnap Minnesota’s hockey players and Prince. Anyway, Dayton has agreed to the fiscal measures proposed by the Republican-controlled legislature, which means Minnesota will have a balanced budget now, freedom wins hooray?

No, the Awesome GOP Plan is to not pay K-12 schools for another year (children get 165 snow days next year, best day evar!) and to borrow against future tax income. We’re sure that’s not how we got here to begin with?

Republicans have not yet agreed to this, because they are grumbling that Dayton won’t let them keep their “kill the pregnant ladies and homos” and the “fire all the state workers” sections of the spending bills.

The Star Tribune reports:

“This is the only viable option that’s potentially available,” Dayton said, while speaking at the University of Minnesota’s Hubert H. Humphrey School of Public Affairs. Making clear that he is unhappy with the terms, Dayton said, “I am just disappointed we can’t do it better.”

It remains far from clear whether Dayton’s latest offer would end the nation’s longest government shutdown, now heading into its third week.

Senate GOP spokesman Michael Brodkorb said after Dayton’s announcement that Senate Republican leaders were still studying the offer and were not ready to comment.

Republican legislators said Dayton’s new conditions might not be acceptable and several expressed unease with the budget solution their own leaders had offered. That proposal, made to Dayton on June 30, would increase spending by $1.4 billion solely through withholding money from K-12 schools and borrowing against future tobacco revenue.

Nah, “kids don’t need school” and “cancer tax money” both sound pretty good, we’d say go ahead and go with that. [StarTribune]

 
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{ 110 comments }

nounverb911 July 14, 2011 at 3:40 pm

This is good news for the "Tequila Party".

ManchuCandidate July 14, 2011 at 3:40 pm

At least kids can get drunk at the daycare bar.

SayItWithWookies July 14, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Not on their shift they can't.

poncho_pilot July 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm

as someone who's worked at a bar…i disagree. but you definitely look like a lush at 3pm passing out on the bus ride home.

metamarcisf July 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Barb July 14, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Marcus Bachmann, aka "Gonad the Barbarian" can't cure anything, not even Minnesota.

emmelemm July 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Gonad the Barbarian for the win. Would fist again and again! (And yes, that is ALSO a pun. Or an innuendo. Double entendre?)

Barb July 14, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Thank you!

OneDollarJuana July 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Maybe a triple entendre, as in "fist in the a**hole's kisser".

flamingpdog July 14, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Innuendo? That's my Italian proctologist.

BarryOPotter July 14, 2011 at 5:09 pm

"Gonad the Barbarian" can't cure anything

I must respectfully disagreed. He appears to have cured himself of a raging case of heterosexuality. Except for the itching, the burning…

Barb July 14, 2011 at 5:56 pm

"take two ass burns and call me in the morning"

horsedreamer_1 July 14, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Why are they taxing the gob-decayers?

SayItWithWookies July 14, 2011 at 3:43 pm

And hey, all those parents who'll have to leave the workforce to watch their kids all day will help with the unmeployment problem. Maybe even enough to offset the teacher layoffs.

Come here a minute July 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Workforce — what a quaint concept.

LabRodent July 14, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Lying GOP asshats will reject the latest offer because thats the type of shit asshats do when you elect asshats.

anniegetyerfun July 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm

It was an asshat sweep, that last election! Asshats for everyone!

GunToting[Redacted] July 14, 2011 at 4:47 pm

You get an asshat!!! And YOU get an asshat!!! And WE ALL get asshats!!!

glamourdammerung July 14, 2011 at 7:42 pm

They are too busy playing games to reject it outright today.

Radiotherapy® July 14, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I never thought caving could taste so sweet….ahhh.

GOPCrusher July 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

So basically, Dayton agreed to kick the can down the road again. Isn't there a single Democrat out there that will stick to their guns on raising taxes on the people that have been raping this country for years?

baconzgood July 14, 2011 at 3:52 pm

No (sigh).

Redhead July 15, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Well, forcing the people who have been (metaphorically) raped by the corporations, and the land which has been (metaphorically) raped by those requirements, to keep suffering and paying certainly sounds a lot like forcing (actual) rape victims to pay for their own rape kits. So A for effort in consistency?

GuyClinch July 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Phew! For a while there I thought Minnesota millionaires might have to pay higher taxes.

BlueMonkeh July 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I have a kid graduating next year that actually wanted to be a Golden Gopher. Sorry, child, not gonna pay extra for you to end up in a state that's turning out to be as bass-ackward as the one we're in now.

Chillwaver July 14, 2011 at 3:50 pm

While in actuality it's not gonna make any difference, T-Paw thinks this is good news for him.

HistoriCat July 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Who?

FNMA July 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Who?

D'oh!

BlueMonkeh July 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I think there' an owl in here.

bagofmice July 14, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Prepare to be used.

WriteyWriterton July 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…sorry, what?

Negropolis July 15, 2011 at 2:04 am

T-Paw thinks a lot of things, bless his heart.

BaldarTFlagass July 14, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Well, since they're going to cancel school, the least they could do would be to lower the drinking age. To, let's say 5.

GOPCrusher July 14, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Pu the little urchins to work shoveling snow. Then they can cut back on the number of DOT workers that drive the snowplows.

baconzgood July 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Get the kids to start smoking!!!!

Problam sulved.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 14, 2011 at 8:48 pm

They get cancer in their 50's, croak because there's no health care, and presto — you've cut your pension expenses!

This is long-term planning at its best.

horsedreamer_1 July 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm

RE: the Canadian invasion — does anyone really think William & Catherine were there to watch mutton get busted at the Stampede?

zhubajie July 14, 2011 at 8:01 pm

I assumed the rest of the family wanted to get rid of them, a sort of remittance couple….

Weenus299 July 14, 2011 at 3:52 pm

"Then they came for the beer and I said, Hells no, GTFO."

the_problem_child July 14, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Never mind Prince. But we'll gladly take Bob Mould off your hands.

poncho_pilot July 14, 2011 at 4:26 pm

you can have Bob Mould but you also have to take all surviving members of The Trashmen.

horsedreamer_1 July 14, 2011 at 4:51 pm

& Bob can choose to get married, in Canada. So, win.

smokefilleddoommate July 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm

There is a god.

HempDogbane July 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Mark Dayton speaks in complete sentences and has coherent thoughts. Also, he uses the traditional real reality and seems to never even try to create his own. So, in other words, he's kind of a dinosaur.

Nostrildamus July 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm

The Minnesota governor has clearly read the writing on the wall camper:
http://wonkette.com/449226/wingnut-camper-art-pro

weejee July 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Is it August 2nd already and Barry has fired the military and ferry penguins from Our Lady of Antarctica are invading?

WhatTheHeck July 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm

These descendants of the Viking barbarians can always resort to raiding and pillaging the timid people of Canada for their wimmins and their booze. Then they can return to the Valhalla that is Minnesota with their booty.

BaldarTFlagass July 14, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I've got this vision of an armada of bass boats convoying out of Superior Bay there in Duluth, headed to plunder Thunder Bay.

ChessieNefercat July 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm

"Then they can return to the Valhalla that is Minnesota with their booty."

And then hoist their tankards and take part in a rousing rendition of that classic waltz tune, "Blood on the Snowplow Tonight."**

**Not kidding; real tune up in the frozen northland.

poncho_pilot July 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

i need to hear this song.

BaldarTFlagass July 14, 2011 at 3:55 pm

They could save a lot of money if they changed school from "K-12" to maybe "K-6" and then induce the Chinese to outsource all their manufacturing jobs to Minnesota.

weejee July 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm

First no scotch and now you're suggesting no Scotch Tape? Are there any other manufacturing jerbz in Minnesota besides 3M?

GunToting[Redacted] July 14, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Metrdonic makes cardiac pacemakers which apparently electrocute the wearer, so there's that… Sort of like your own personal Taser.

GOPCrusher July 14, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Arctic Cat and Polaris snowmobiles, errr, snow MACHINES.

zhubajie July 14, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Mississippi and Alabama are already working on this. What do you think of New Orleans as the next Shanghai?

Gomez571 July 14, 2011 at 11:16 pm

If we can get a few more states to follow this plan, Mississippi could move from last place in education, so there is that.

horsedreamer_1 July 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm

With Miller Coors being allowed to distribute in Minnesota, again, for once we can say —

This is Bad News… for John Mc Cain… 's wife's business.

SorosBot July 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm

The Republican legislators, being rich, can afford to import their booze and don't care about the suffering sober masses.

BklynIlluminati July 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Minny HAHA. I blame the Lakers leaving all those years ago we are finally feeling the repercussions now

WriteyWriterton July 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Grown-up makes grown-up triage-based decision. Still depressing.

emmelemm July 14, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Petulant children still throw their toys, then writhe on ground kicking and screaming even though they were told they COULD have the goddamn ice cream.

Larry McAwful July 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm

The GOP won't pay for K-12 education next year? That's not Minnesota Nice! That's tschootzpah!

Callyson July 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm

This deal could be a good thing if the GOP would do their part by smoking, to increase tax revenues. Say, five packs a day. A few years should thin out their ranks…

BlueMonkeh July 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Does Minnesota not have a recall process for these dopes? Or are the Minnesotans just too damn nice to fire up the throw-the-bums-out machine?

Mumbletypeg July 14, 2011 at 4:05 pm

GOP spokesman Michael Brodkorb

Is this surname a vestige of barbaric Luthero-Viking lineage? cause it came close but proved a palindrome FAIL.

SorosBot July 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

It sounds like a name someone would make up for D&D. Brodkorb, the l2 Dwarven berserker, strikes with his greataxe! Roll 19, a hit; that's 2d6 damage +2 for his strength bonus; roll 9, 11 damage; the hobgoblin is dead.

poncho_pilot July 14, 2011 at 4:32 pm

that smells of mountain dew, doritos, and carpeted basements.

SorosBot July 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm

That shows what you know about playing D&D!

It was a carpeted dorm room.

zhubajie July 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Probably Romano-German!

fuflans July 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm

this is less like vikings and more like strindberg.

or abba.

elviouslyqueer July 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm

HAHAHAHA, the Majority Speaker of the MN Senate's name is Koch. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Come here a minute July 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm

. . . increase spending by $1.4 billion solely through withholding money from K-12 schools and borrowing against future tobacco revenue.

If Minnesota is increasing spending by not funding schools, they might as well just get Marcus Bachmann to pray away their budget problems, because their situation is truly hopeless.

GOPCrusher July 14, 2011 at 4:55 pm

"Future tobacco revenues" Since the kids won't be in school, they can learn to take up smoking.

V572 der Plaatz July 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm

"That proposal, made to Dayton on June 30, would increase spending by $1.4 billion solely through withholding money from K-12 schools and borrowing against future tobacco revenue."

Two things any rational budget plan should be built on: defunding education and the apparently inelastic demand for cigarettes. That way the kids won't get smart enough not to smoke.

GOPCrusher July 14, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Kind of tough to depend on tobacco revenue, when the source dies from the product.

V572 der Plaatz July 14, 2011 at 5:07 pm

They die slowly enough to teach their offspring to smoke too. I know my parents did!

Biel_ze_Bubba July 14, 2011 at 8:53 pm

And there's nothing like a tax on an addictive commodity, if you want steady revenue. Even a foreclosed-upon, evicted-by-the-banksters former homeowner will water down the baby's formula, if it lets him buy a pack a day.

CrunchyKnee July 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Pedobear likes it when school is always out.

ChessieNefercat July 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm

OT, but is the giant goth-anime young lady supposed to be Kortney's competition?

hagajim July 14, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Borrow against future tax revenue? WTF? This is a T-Paw move for certain. And not pay for schools? Are they going to pay for themselves or do the little kiddies just have to take up the biggest of all bake sales ever to get their bookz?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 14, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Borrowing against future, reduced-by-Republicans tax revenue. What could possibly go wrong?

zhubajie July 17, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Fundie schools where they learn that the flat earth is only 5, 000 years old and that pi = 3! Paid by 7 years of slavery after graduation!

widestanceroman July 14, 2011 at 4:17 pm

OT, but had to share Glory Hole Face photo:
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/

discuss as needed

elviouslyqueer July 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Oh, I'm counting down the seconds until Gohmert gets caught with his face buried in a 12-year-old boy's crotch.

widestanceroman July 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm

With a tampon in his ass and nary a tooth in his head, he'll go down.

Guess that's why it's not called the Teeth Party.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 15, 2011 at 12:10 am

But there is the Tooth Fairy…

GOPCrusher July 14, 2011 at 5:06 pm

And now Juan McCain is telling Michele Bachmann to shut her piehole about the debt ceiling?
Get the popcorn!

father_moray July 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm

The Minn. Gov. got the message and gave in to Taxpayer Austerity demands. The balanced budget wave spreads….

anniegetyerfun July 14, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Hey, here's an idear. How about everyone who voted Republican gets cuts to their Medicare and Medicaid, and has their kids sent home to be taught by Mom about Jeebus. Also, the all Republican families must smoke at least one pack of cigarettes per day per capita, for teh taks revenoos.

Everyone else can continue on as normal.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 14, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Good thought, but it won't get rid of Republicans fast enough.

inapewetrust July 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

"not paying teachers" is a rather novel approach to the purported problem of poor teacher quality. the beatings will continue until morale improves!

GOPCrusher July 14, 2011 at 5:10 pm

The state of Iowa had a Education Roundtable yesterday that consisted of Gov. Terry Branstad and business leaders. Solution to education costs? Start paying teachers like workers instead of by years of service.
Considering that Iowa already has a problem with keeping teachers in the state because of the low wage scale, I'm sure this plan will work out wonderfully.

Barrelhse July 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Still, aren't they supposed to DECREASE spending?

Fox n Fiends July 14, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Canada has its own Prince Beiber.

GunToting[Redacted] July 14, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Laugh if you want, but PowderMilk Biscuit futures are skyrocketing!

DashboardBuddha July 14, 2011 at 5:00 pm

they're tasty and expeditious!

Nothingisamiss July 14, 2011 at 5:27 pm

This is a great idea. What part of the electorate could possibly think that funding schools is a priority? This is just fiscal responsibility, people.

Also, too, WTF.

bagofmice July 14, 2011 at 5:32 pm

So the strategy is to kick the kids out of school, hope they take up smoking, because they aren't learning, so that they can pay for the school?

pinkocommi July 14, 2011 at 5:36 pm

So how do we make the failure to raise the debt limit threaten our nation's booze supply? This apparently is the only thing that will make Republitards strike a deal, even if it is a bad one.

ttommyunger July 14, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I didn't think cameras were allowed in the State Capitol.

flamingpdog July 14, 2011 at 6:03 pm

"I don't think I'm caving," Dayton said. He said the state will spend about $35.5 over the next two years, sparing the most "savage" cuts to programs he deems crucial.

So, the Guvner of Minnie-sota is challenging the Preznit to see who can be the nation's spelunker-in-chief?

P. S. I did not screw up the cut-and-paste. The newspaper article said the state will spend about 35 and a half dollars over the next two years. Big spenders!

zhubajie July 14, 2011 at 8:18 pm

So what's more crucial than elementary education?

Biel_ze_Bubba July 14, 2011 at 9:00 pm

That's $35.50 wasted on big guvmint socialist programs … is the GOP really gonna let that happen?

mormos July 14, 2011 at 9:19 pm

why doesn't the gop just come out and admit their long term plan is to reinstate feudalism?

Oblios_Cap July 15, 2011 at 8:00 am

I'm looking forward to the re-opening of debtors prisons and the repeal of child labor laws, just like the Founding Fathers intended.

Pragmatist2 July 15, 2011 at 9:27 am

Because there "base" is mad up largely of serfs and they don't want them to figure it out too soon.

zhubajie July 17, 2011 at 7:27 pm

They know what they want to do (sort of) but they don't know the four syllable word for it!

Gomez571 July 14, 2011 at 11:29 pm

The Republican line seems to be that the best way to lower taxes is to have fewer tax payers. if only we could get the population completely unemployable, then we can get filthy rich selling stuff to people who have no money.

Negropolis July 15, 2011 at 2:00 am

But, remember, you guys, divided government is the best kind of government. Because.

Honestly, how do you elect a Democratic governor, and not some blue dog, but an actual Democrat, and then decidedly give over both houses to the Republicans? What the fuck did you all expect to happen with this incarnation of the Republican Party? It's like you're sadists.

Pragmatist2 July 15, 2011 at 9:25 am

Uh, there is no need to come out with a revised version of Pofiles in Courage.

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