Teen sensation Newt Gingrich has just won something called a “Twitter primary,” which is a presidential race that only exists on Twitter, but doesn’t really exist at all. So congratulations, Newt Gingrich, for being President of Twitter, which is not a real thing. How did Newton achieve this incredible victory, when he is so completely inept when it comes to running for the actual presidency? Newt Gingrich is Twitter. He has been on Twitter since 2009, and knows exactly how use it to pal around with nobodies. Of course, there is little left to do after becoming President of Twitter, so Newt has decided to use his Internet glory to remind his OVER ONE MILLION followers to pre-order a copy of likely literary masterpiece Sweet Land of Liberty, written by none other than discount diamond-lover and Wife #3, Callista Gingrich.
“I like Ellis the Elephant,” man-baby Newt wrote on Saturday, in response to this easily-misinterpreted message from “Gingrich Productions”:
A cartoon animal will invade America in September to wander through Texas-approved history books and talk to Native Americans about why this country is better than anything else an elephant could ever imagine. From Gingrich Productions:
Take a guided tour through American history with Ellis the Elephant. Sweet Land of Liberty takes children on an entertaining and educational journey to introduce and explain the greatness of America. Traveling through time, Ellis partakes in the pivotal moments that have shaped our nation’s unique history and character. Authored by Callista Gingrich and illustrated by Susan Arciero, Sweet Land of Liberty will delight young and old alike through the charming adventures of Ellis the Elephant and the story of why America is an exceptional nation. To be released September 26, 2011.
This is how Callista Gingrich passes her time as First Lady of Twitter, by cackling at her diamond collection and writing a children’s tale of American Exceptionalism through the eyes of an elephant named after an island that used to process the immigrants who had not yet died from cholera. Sweet Land of Liberty, indeed! [Politico/Amazon]