Teen sensation Newt Gingrich has just won something called a “Twitter primary,” which is a presidential race that only exists on Twitter, but doesn’t really exist at all. So congratulations, Newt Gingrich, for being President of Twitter, which is not a real thing. How did Newton achieve this incredible victory, when he is so completely inept when it comes to running for the actual presidency? Newt Gingrich is Twitter. He has been on Twitter since 2009, and knows exactly how use it to pal around with nobodies. Of course, there is little left to do after becoming President of Twitter, so Newt has decided to use his Internet glory to remind his OVER ONE MILLION followers to pre-order a copy of likely literary masterpiece Sweet Land of Liberty, written by none other than discount diamond-lover and Wife #3, Callista Gingrich.
“I like Ellis the Elephant,” man-baby Newt wrote on Saturday, in response to this easily-misinterpreted message from “Gingrich Productions”:
A cartoon animal will invade America in September to wander through Texas-approved history books and talk to Native Americans about why this country is better than anything else an elephant could ever imagine. From Gingrich Productions:
Take a guided tour through American history with Ellis the Elephant. Sweet Land of Liberty takes children on an entertaining and educational journey to introduce and explain the greatness of America. Traveling through time, Ellis partakes in the pivotal moments that have shaped our nation’s unique history and character. Authored by Callista Gingrich and illustrated by Susan Arciero, Sweet Land of Liberty will delight young and old alike through the charming adventures of Ellis the Elephant and the story of why America is an exceptional nation. To be released September 26, 2011.
This is how Callista Gingrich passes her time as First Lady of Twitter, by cackling at her diamond collection and writing a children’s tale of American Exceptionalism through the eyes of an elephant named after an island that used to process the immigrants who had not yet died from cholera. Sweet Land of Liberty, indeed! [Politico/Amazon]
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She should have written "Horton Hears a 'Ho"-biography
How did you come up with that so quickly?!
A big blender of Nyquiladas and tacos for dinner.
OT, Keith Olbermann just said that Bristol's book sold 58 copies on audio book. Looks like some young spinster may not be having meat with lunch for very long.
Being legally blind doesn't necessarily mean you're sane. But I'm betting these buyers are functionally illiterate.
You know she is dreading the day Wonkette announces her new job as a Wal Mart greeter.
I think you mean autobiography.
"How the Gingrinch Stole History"
Elephants, huh?
~
Nope, I'm not even asking how the FOOK you found that picture. Not me.
I thought you might post this one. It's a bit on the long side, but it was featured on Tosh.0, so you know it's super classy.
Tosh is hilarious! I tend to watch with only one eye opened at times.
I am weeping with laughter, because there is nothing funnier than having a trunk up your bum.
Now I see why they say an elephant never forgets. Who the hell could forget that?
I didn't know they made airport bathroom stalls large enough for an elephant. Or is that one of those peanuthouse pageelephants he's buggering.
I guess it's no surprise they didn't make the protagonist Dick the Donkey.
Or Angus the Ass.
Or Newt the newt.
In my book, Dick the Cheney would be the antagonist.
Dick the Donkey will be Ellis' bete noire in the sequel.
"Sweet Diamonds of Liberty"
and how many whore diamonds does callista have?
hmmmmmmm……………………… All of them ????? I hope this phrase isn't getting old
Getting old? In what way, Katie?
Charlie. That meme is Charlie's.
Sweet Diamonds/Land of Tiffany (Not the Singer)
"Have you Heard? Ellis is coming…."
Ellis is wife #4, I assume.
Either that, or Newtie's "coming out" with a big — nay, HUGE — announcement. Soon.
Wife #4 will never cum. Ew.
Three Dog Night is suing for copyright infringement.
WIN!
Ellis is an elephant. So, it begs the question: In quarts?
Or in Quartzsite?
Nellie the Elephant
-The Toy Dolls
We used to sing that as wee children.
Gah! As usual, I find something new, 21 years late. Good shit, Maynard.
wow, brings back memories… need to find the mixtape (cassette!) I had back in school that had that song and this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhyXGbHU8rE
oi oi oi!
A hundred years ago, people like Callista and Newt were actively working against the new immigrants coming through places like Ellis Island. Today, they're actively working against new immigrants and pretending to get all misty eyed over Ellis Island.
In honor of my grandparents who came to the US through Ellis Island, I'd like to suggest Callista and Newt both go piss up a rope.
It's worth noting that Ellis Island's history is a bit mythologized; more people were deported via Ellis Island than arrived, at least legitimately.
See, this is one of those things we don't really talk about, even though it's pretty informative to discussion of immigration today- even the Eurpoean immigrants of yesteryear frequently had to resort to fraud or undocumented entry in order to come America; illegal immigration is part and parcel of America's immigration history, and America wasn't destroyed by it in the 19th and early 20th centuries, by all appearances.
And honestly, the whole move to restrict immigration based on national origins had its basis providing institutional support for racial discrimination, so I'm pretty okay with the equally long history of people subverting it and making their lives here anyway.
Well said, Mumbly. I always like to point out that "wop" isn't just a slur somebody made up, but rather an acronym for "without papers"…yesteryear's version of EWI (entered without inspection)…of course, applied to *gasp* western European caucasians. As with everything else coming out of the right, a basic history class would go a long way. Oh, wait, they only believe "facts" they like and/or can attribute to jeebus, so it probably wouldn't help at all.
"Have you heard? Ellis is coming…."
No shit Newt. I could hear her cumming a block away.
Does Callista know?
I always took you for a F'n Rino man.
Original title was supposed to be "Sweet Land of Tiffany" but was changed for some reason.
In Callista's sweet land of liberty young girls lift themselves up by their bootstraps screwing someone else's husband. Ah yes. American exceptionalism at its finest.
That leathery nub she was pulling on? Not a bootstrap.
Hmmmmm.
On whom to use my .460 Mag Weatherby?
Ellis the Elephant? Because, after all, it is an elephant gun?
Or a small, insignificant, amoral amphibian?
Hmmmm.
Move along, there, Ellis, old son. Move along.
The Newt and I are going to have a "little talk."
A discussion about surveying, I imagine.
Newt doesn't have big balls. He has elephantiasis.
Newt of all people, dominating the tweeter primaries? I sense a stolen election is afoot. Grassle needs to get on this!
Being Preznit of Twatburg is the same as Emperor of Second Life or top of the ego/score board of Galaxian. Sounds impressive, but worthless in the real world (like Newt's ideas.)
Worse than worthless, even. For as many "followers" that'll read your inane, misbegotten, lame-assed thought-farts, that's how many ought to conclude you're an inane, misbegotten, lame-assed candidate.
I guess Ellis didn't get the word that Babar, king of the elephants, has decreed that elephants have to wear clothes now.
My kids used to love Babar (they are into the more obscure 'toons). Fucking Republicans have ruined elephants for everyone!
is ellis going back in time to the pre-war south to whip some slaves with his trunk to show how great america is?
You're getting your narratives mixed up. The new Republican narrative is that slavery was wrong because the Founders abhored it.
And all the slave owners were liberal Democrats, too.
The original draft was written in ethnic baby blood.
So the blubberous KKK-colored marshmallow is now shilling children's books on twitter. Fox news is so proud.
Will Ellis be helping Babar out of a jam when Heinz der Elefant invades Babar's feeding grounds? Twice?
In the sequel, Ellis will go to Arizona to stomp out forest-fires started by certain free-lance immigrants. Excitement!
damn you balder. I was going to make a babr joke…
Michele CrazyEyes' husband is treating Gaybar the Elephant .
"Sweet Land of Liberty" is what he calls Callista's vajayjay…since he loves his country so much, you know. (Please say that that's the first thing that popped into your mind when you read that title…otherwise I'm just gross and vulgar.)
Well, not the first.
But damn close.
Won't say what I thought.
On the realization that I may be more gross and vulgar then you.
I do have an image to uphold.
Lets just say.
It's close, really close, to the vajayjay.
Did you answer me in iambic pentameter? Awesome!
Oh, and being a chick I tend to forget about that OTHER nether region.
No, I'd imagine any pet names made by Newt for sex organs would involve confectioneries somehow.
Reese's libel!
The poor woman has probably had more yeast infections from having to put candy in there to convince him to go down on her.
Gross and vulgar in a good way, though.
Thanks, Prommie. I'm verklempt…
This is going to be great—especially when Ellis the elephant meets that great exceptional American inventor Mr Edison (who invented God's Freedom Light-bulb) ,who asks Ellis to help him prove how evil and deadly and socialist Mr Tesla's alternating current really is, by simply holding on to a couple of wires….
(see Topsy the elephant)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkBU3aYsf0Q
Great minds, etc.
I'll wait to buy this until I can get her to sign it at the Walmart in Fredericksburg, TX.
The plan was bulk purchases of this kid-lit monstrosity, by people hoping to influence the long-shot presidential candidate. Then all of the miners and forklift drivers who work for the wingnut asshole would get a copy of the book for their kids, as their entire Christmas bonus.
Callista kinda bolloxed that up by taking the free diamonds, and making Newt's presidential odds even more remote, unfortunately. Wait, fortunately.
Sadly, the story ends in 1903, when Thomas Alva Edison decides to demonstrate the dangers of Alternating Current.
Ah there you are! …great minds indeed… which is to say we both know about this obscure bit of history/showmanship/evil corporatist shenanigan. Two of us….yup….just me, and you,,,,great,great minds…. yup….just great…. really….you know……
Holy shit. Wish I could unsee that – and I didn't even play the film.
I just finished listening to the book AC/DC, about Edison vs. Westinghouse. After 15 minutes of detailed descriptions of dog electrocutions, I realized it was a great lesson in how to turn an article into a book.
"Ellis the Elephant and the story of why America is an exceptional nation."
Fucking Ellis better be goddam thankful that he isn't a buffalo.
Or a manatee…
I think a hippopotamus is more indicative of the size and shape of the average American. And I hope the flag it's carrying is edible.
I saw three women and 1 man yesterday morning when I was getting coffee- they were getting – I don't know- maybe an elephant to eat. I swear the smallest one of them was 350 pounds. I cannot imagine how they were going to tour DC- probably not on foot.
…and remember children, freedoms is plural.
Super honkey Callista Gingrich makes Cindy McCain look like Mary J Blige.
if your going to rewrite history, get 'em when they're young.
By the way, Lady Liberty doesn't actually greet visitors from Port Elizabeth, NJ—she actually faces the OTHER WAY!
Methinks the illustrator is just making shit up—just like the author and the toad she married.
It would have been awesome if they had put the statue on a turntable during the 1980's refurb, so she could watch over immigrants coming in from every direction.
Too funny! Because its too true!
Or maybe, Lady Liberty waves to the immigrants coming in, and then waves goodbye to the jobs going overseas.
More accurate…
From the illustration, it appears that Ellis the Elephant is sticking its ass out towards the viewer, possibly to show off a large opening.
Either that, or Ellis has three legs and is sitting on a rather large behind…
"Sweet Land of Liberty takes children on an entertaining and educational journey to introduce and explain the greatness of America…."
and how to convince a bloated, corrupt and heartless politician to divorce his wife who is suffering from cancer, marry you and shower you with Tiffany blood diamonds. The End.
Have the bald eagles really returned to the Hudson River? Or just in the fevered imagination of a Very White Elephant?
Also:
To be released September 26, 2011
What, they couldn't cash in and release it on 9.11?!? Someone is not as good at PR as he would like to think…
I think there was possibly litigation from the Giuliani camp.
That elephant better not try to put its big ass on a stool at Woolworth's lunch counter, 'cause they don't serve that kind.
It's a clever book. If you start in the middle and read either forwards or backwards, the uppity negroes go from being allowed to run for president back to working on the plantation.
Will Ellis travel back to the "pivotal and unique" moment in our nations history when a Speaker of the House was impeaching the President while banging the fuck out of an aid?
Traveling through time, Ellis partakes in the pivotal moments that have shaped our nation’s unique history and character.
Ellis's time-traveling adventure ends tragically, however, when, in 1909, he is shot seventeen times by Teddy Roosevelt while accompanying the former president on Safari in central Africa.
Beat me to a TR joke, you bastard! O.K. How's this? "Ellis, I want you to meet Mr. Hemingway. He wants to show you the green hills of Africa, and help him acquire some souvenir wastepaper baskets or umbrella stands. That's him over there, standing next to the empty Martini pitcher."
Ellis is a lawyer?
Again, Teddy Libel!
Or alternatively, Bungalow Bill.
Woman famous for having affair with insanely unpopular married man/crook writes a children's book teaching values to children…WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?!?
1. Adultery
2. Marriage
3. Profit!
I hope Ellis remembers to accurate exclude the Supreme Court from the Constitution and portray the Founding Fathers as non-slave holders.
she should write a book titled "How to Steal a Husband" … or "Tiffany for Dummies"
"Steal?" Yeah, I'm real sure Newt fought to preserve his virtue, tooth and nail.
How about if the Interior Dept. were to round up this non-native invasive pachyderm who's running wild and deport his fat ass to AZ, where some fucking nut will take care of this little illegal alien problem.
(note to Lori Klein: Go for it with the Ruger, bitch.)
Wonder how many copies of the book Newt will buy with his charity money. Spending stimulates the economy, and remember, someone's expenditure is someone else's income!
Have you heard?
'Ellis for children.
Now Pat Benatar is suing for copyright infringement!
Good one!
I get it! I get it! An elephant for the exceptional part of america!!
donkeys for the urban part.
Thoughtful of her to put Hubby on the cover. Nice likeness, too.
Callista's thousand yard stare is the same demented look I'd expect to see on any woman who'd had the experience of blowing Newt Gingrich's hateful little organ.
Michelle Bachmann has the same eyes, but not the albino cat with leukemia quality that Callista's got, but it's the same look in almost all the particulars. And of course, anyone who'd experienced blowing Michelle's husband would have a chronic crazy look too, just like with Newt I'd imagine. But I don't think Mr. Bachmann is a big fan of blowjobs from his wife. I think the only way Michelle has been able to keep her man down on the farm for all this time is with a well placed finger or two (or three or four) during each encounter.
Oh, hey… Wanna see my wiener? Peace… God bless…
I think M Bachman's "clinical practice" provided countless opportunities for "hooking up" if you get my meaning, wink, wink, say no more.
My guess is Neut will use the news that this exercise in self-serving kiddie-propaganda didn't sell as an occasion to serve divorce papers.
When Bush was really ramping up for the Iraq War, MrLimeylizzie got so furious that he drew this amazing picture with a giant elephant taking a huge shit on the world, it was epic.
And now it's a book!
Picture scans or GTFO.
I don't think we still have it, it was just done quickly, if I can find it I will scan it for you, Negropolis.
Ok I found the elephant pictures, I have no idea how to attach them , but they are pretty great! I am trying to get them to you.
In the sequel, Ellis the Elephant meets up with freedom-loving Bob Parsons.
shameless cocksucker
a new low
$arah, the ball is in your court
Oh no, don't give her any ideas like,
Mario, the Moose From Florida, Teabags, and Goes to Washington to Fight for 2nd Amendment Rights. Or,
Good Night Moose, the Story of a Tent and Never Raising Taxes. Or,
Grifty, the Grizzly Bear — the Story of a Victimized, Regular Bear Who Goes on a Bus Trip and Dances at the Maul of America.
The ball is always in her c…
Oh, wait, you said 'court.' Never mind.
Haiku!
Actually, I imagine this media blitz focusing on twitter and awful books for children are driven by a realization in some dim corner of Neut's reptilian brain that before he can be seen as relevant outside the Beltway, he must first make himself likable to at least some people. Will it work? Well, how are all those "Downfall" parody youtubes helping Hitler's likability numbers?
Somewhat OT but apparently Barry finally got good and pissed and told Eric Cantor to fornicate himself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/13/obama-de...
Cantor, like the whiney little bitchass that he is, went running to the press and cried that the POTUS was mean to him.
However, folks are now calling this stupidity Cantor's "back of the plane moment" in reference to how Newtie hissed a pissy fit back in 1995 when made to sit in the back of AF1 on the way to Rabin's funeral and shut down the government, thereby guranteeing that he would always be seen as a fucking joke.
Barry's also told the folks that they have until Friday to get their shit together or he's going to do it for them.
The GOP implosion over this is fascinating to watch.
Cantor's a whiny-assed little baby. Glad to see Obama's sticking to his guns.
I'm starting to like this.
From Amazon: "Beginning at Ellis Island, Ellis the Elephant travels back through time, partaking in the pivotal events that shaped our nation’s unique history and character. Along the way, Ellis meets historical figures such as the Pilgrims, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, and Martin Luther King, who teach Ellis why America is great—BUT as the only one who even met an elephant was Edison, Ellis has to ensure that no trace of him will effect the future–especially the future Callista Gingrich's future book sales! .
So Ellis shoots Martin Luther King and then plants the gun on James Earl Ray, Shoots Lincoln and plants the gun on Wilkes-booth before shoving him out of the box at the theater and then in a heroic act of self sacrifice, agrees to be electrocuted by Edison to save the space-time continuum so children can learn to become Republicans and buy Callista's book.
Dibs on the movie rights!
Pass the popcorn, please.
This is exactly how my mind works.
WIN
Newt, president of the twitter? Sarah P is so pissed she didn't think of it first. Now she will have to take to her phone and twitticule him.
To be released September 26, 2011.
That's only 15 blocks from September 11, 2011!! Too Soon!1!!
Shouldn't this be titled "Sweet Land of Tiffany"?
or
"Marry A Cheating Asswipe – For Bling"
"GingrichProds"
Yeah, I'll bet he does. Kind of explains the Tiffany's thing.
Curious, isn't it, that she chose as her main character an ephemeral egocentric elephant who eyes Eye-talians at Ellis with Extended Examination? Eh?
To much less fanfare, the DNC has quietly released a rejoinder children's novel entitled:
"I, Donkey: Finding Dignity While Cleaning Up After The Elephant Parade."
If that doesn't win the Internets I'm resigning from the academy.
Well, I suppose it's better than a book of beauty and make-up tips.
First Lady of Twitter Callista Gingrich Writes a Book for
ChildChildish PatriotsFixed
Whether she's African or Indian, Ellis is still unwelcome at the Gingrich's.
unless its in the form of four wastepaper baskets with the toe-nais still on.
An elephant? How distinctively American!
This Gingrich publicity machine and "campaign" has all the plausibilty of a season of 'Spin City.' Without the cute leading man.
The elephant comes to New York and discovers it's full of asses. It's political parable and social observation in one.
Well, they do say "write what you know" and if there's one thing Callista knows is what it's like to be around someone as big as an elephant.
I think it's sweet she put her sugar daddy on the cover.
She was a lot funnier on "Ally McBeal"
Wow. That was a weird flashback.
We really need to start conserving paper in this country.
Hell, it can't be any dumber than "To Save America."
At least she will let us eat the trans-fats. Like she does every time she lays lips on Newton. Which I doubt happens much at all.
Hahahaha, Elephants can't time travel!
Sounds like a disturbing take on the "Back to the Future" franchise…
"When this trunk hits 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some SERIOUS shit!"
Quick! Publish something else before the caucus forces us to drop out of the primaries!
"Sweet Land of Liberty"
Subtitle: Unless you're a Mexican.
At the end, does some tea bagger from Florida take Ellis for a manatee and gun him down?
That elephant looks like he is just getting here from Africa. Do the republicans know this?
It's actually an Indian with an H1-b visa.
Bringing another anchor baby like Payush?
These'll make great White Elephant gifts at Christmas.
But, conservatives don't really like elephants, what with their attention to hygiene, and intelligence, display of multiple and genuine emotions beyond bitterness and anger, and general decency.
Here you go.
http://gallery.me.com/dellan#100041
According to Amazon, the illustrator of this book also illustrated "Nat the Nantucket Cat". I feelz some naughty limericks coming on …
Publishing question for the pros out there: do worthless nonentities like Callista Gingrich hire ghostwriters to make the actual words in the children's books they "author" or is that only for big-people books?
"Gingrich Prods"
Is that a declarative sentence?
I take "prods" as a plural noun, and picture a line of pale dildos with Newt's face on them.
Sheesh! Who the hell Twitters in the middle of sex? Worse than eating an apple or watching TV…
What is that avian on the railing? A Bald Seagull?
The noble airborne rat scavenger.
I think Babar has to weigh in on this (high-hat !!!!)
I bet the Old Lady is swooning on her fainting couch after Ellis leaves her for a new Old Lady with Tiffany studded monkeys or something else. I wonder if Ellis goes after Clarisse or Arthur… marrying your cousin is one thing but as a Republican one does have other "obligations."
Suddenly I am all about book (or kindle) burning.
The perfect Christmas gift for the little brat that bugs the shit out of you.
That there elephant wuz born in KENYA!
…and then Ellis swept all the unwanted people– the poor huddled masses up in his trunk and shit on them right by the Statue of Liberty.
The End.
*sigh*
The Democrats need to come back with Angel the Burro or Donkey Kong at Angel Island.
The part where Nancy Reagan cold ditches Ronnie at the hospital when she learns he has alzheimers and hooks up with the elephant is quite poignant (not to mention erotic).
Sometimes the stars just align.
How many Tiffany's references are in the book?
The Chinese will use these othewise worthless books to build dam walls in flood regions of their country, when they send supply airplanes to load up with any defunct USA merchandise that can be carried out of the country, once Orange Boner and Erik Cantor arrange our default.
Wow…if you take a magnifying glass to the cover and look in the city behind the elephant, you can see a family of four living in a refrigerator box.
And if you hold the magnifying glass just right, you can burn the fucker to the ground, where it belongs.
I hope they don't put a photograph of the author on the back cover. Her creepy likeness has been known to frighten small children. Hell, one kid woke up the day after having seen that photo and his hair had gone completely white.
I'm reading it as "GrinchProds." Eww. As in I wouldn't touch either of them with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole.
Anyone who buys this book is a giant asshole.
Funny, on her husband's books, the giant, round, flabby, white symbol of the Republican party is on the BACK cover.
You may scoff, but it turns out the Texas School Board won't approve a new High School social studies title unless it comes with free crayons.
With this new book, it's the past she's trying to win.
Sorry Newt, but your fans don't want to hear about animals from Africa.
So how many pages is in this damn thing? I don't honestly know how many times the page where we pretend someone hurt us/our pride/our freedoms so we can kill them in a war and steal their shit needs to be repeated.
Ok, Negropolis wanted to see the counterpoint elephant to this piece of saccharine crap, so here it is.
http://gallery.me.com/dellan#100041
Oh, this is nice! I'm glad I came back to this thread. Usually, I don't come back to threads over a day old, but something called me back.
Good. I wasn't sure how to get them to you, I love the donkey the best.
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