WAR IS HELL 3:51 pm July 13, 2011

Minnesota’s Booze Supply Latest Horrifying Casualty of Shutdown

NOW IT IS SERIOUS. As “the eternal winter of war” continues to defecate all over the once-pristine state of Minnesota, we are hearing terrifying news reports that Minnesota’s liquor is running out. Nobody is able get their state-issued liquor purchasing cards renewed, so we suggest that anyone still alive at this hour over there should probably leave work right now to get to the bars, as this whole situation is about to get a lot worse, possibly even like “Utah worse.” Professional sports, meaningless office jobs, summer school, pub trivia and sex are all canceled as a result.

The Star Tribune reports from the front:

In the days leading up to the shutdown, thousands of outlets scrambled to renew their state-issued liquor purchasing cards. Many of them did not make it.
Now, with no end in sight to the shutdown, they face a summer of fast-dwindling alcohol supplies and a bottom line that looks increasingly bleak.
“It’s going to cripple our industry,” said Frank Ball, executive director of the Minnesota Licensed Beverage Association, which represents thousands of liquor retailers in the state.
The Ugly Mug, a popular bar near Target Field, doesn’t have enough beer to get through the baseball season.
“Our inventories are diminishing rapidly over the next month,” owner Erik Forsberg said. He was among a cluster of bar and restaurant owners who appealed Tuesday to a court-appointed special master to be allowed to continue buying alcohol during the shutdown. “When [the Twins are] back on Thursday and people can’t get Budweiser and they can’t get whatever, they’re just going to go somewhere else.”

Like even Brett Favre can save Minnesota now… just ask Wisconsin how that went. Everyone drink a beer for Minnesota tonight. [Star Tribune]

251 comments

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 251 comments }

nounverb911 July 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

This is good news for Wisconsin.

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Superior, for once, will actually be superior to Duluth.

The line to cross the border will be two hours long.

WunkRocker July 13, 2011 at 4:36 pm: Sh*t. Mississippi is superior. Texas is laughin' at them .LA-HUSERS!
Juan_Oriley July 14, 2011 at 1:58 am: Every St Paulite with bad planing skills who drinks all their booze on Saturday and has people coming over for the Vikes game on Sunday knows that the good folks at Cassanova's over in Hudson has all their needs covered, they even have a port-o-john in the parking lot. I always thought it was stupid to give the Cheesetards all the tax revenue and that was before gov Kocksucker assumed power.

Maman July 13, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Even better for North Dakota! Fargo, here I come!

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 5:44 pm

And Iowa.

Tengu July 13, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Without beer they're resorting to actual moose head.

RedneckMuslin July 13, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Giving or receiving?

Sue4466 July 13, 2011 at 4:00 pm

that sounds a little dirty.

Tundra Grifter July 13, 2011 at 4:27 pm: Actually it sounds messy, disgusting, and downright dangerous. Either way.

elviouslyqueer July 13, 2011 at 4:13 pm

This is good news for Marcus Bachmann.

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm: Putting the Manitoba in man-on-man.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:15 am

I don't think meese have the actual ability to consent, as required by law.

nounverb911 July 13, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Canadian bootleggers will come their rescue.

Nothingisamiss July 13, 2011 at 5:57 pm: Canadians are so fucking nice.

JoshuaNorton July 13, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Geez. It's enough to drive a person to drink. Oh. Wait……

SheriffRoscoe July 13, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Fire up the still, Cletus.

weejee July 13, 2011 at 3:59 pm: Missouri ain't that far.
anniegetyerfun July 13, 2011 at 5:56 pm: A friend of mine wrote this a few years ago, and it's still (har!) relevant!
Negropolis July 14, 2011 at 2:29 am: There aren't many Cletusi in Minnesota. I'm guessing you've got a lot of Ericks and Johans and Anders and…

JoshuaNorton July 13, 2011 at 3:56 pm

It might cripple the booze industry, but buy stock in Aqua Velva NOW!!

nounverb911 July 13, 2011 at 3:58 pm

What about Aqua Buddha?

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 4:18 pm

There will probably be a run on WalMart-brand mouthwash very soon.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:17 am: Codeine cough syrup is much better.

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 5:46 pm

The Cabela's in Owatonna should look out for a run on Sterno.

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Listerine and Lavoris, too!

tcaalaw July 13, 2011 at 9:41 pm

AquaVelva?! Bah! As someone who has lived in a harsh northern climate (Alberta), I can tell you that real men drink warmed Lysol when they can't get booze at a government-run liquor store.

metamarcisf July 13, 2011 at 3:57 pm

They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!

nounverb911 July 13, 2011 at 3:59 pm

ROAD TRIP!

baconzgood July 13, 2011 at 4:28 pm

"You fucked up…You trusted us"

-Minnesota GOP-

Rotundo_ July 13, 2011 at 6:23 pm: Thanks! That would be a perfect motto for the GOP nationwide as well. Otter was right…

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 3:57 pm

What will this do to my ability to get Summit Brewing Co. product?

LesBontemps July 13, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Cutting off the alcohol supply is clearly an attack directed at Wonketteers.

OneDollarJuana July 13, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Raises head from desk, wipes drool from mouth.

"What?"

WunkRocker July 13, 2011 at 4:38 pm: Yeah, is the 2nd amendment still on? TO THE PAWN SHOP!

GhostBuggy July 13, 2011 at 5:04 pm

I was thinking some of us could put together crates of booze to drop from planes over Minnesota; I'm sure, if we all chipped in from our personal stashes, we'd have thousands and thousands of bottles. So let's all sacrifice our vodka, whiskey and grain alcohol! But, uh, not mine.

Sweet Jesus, not mine.

HistoriCat July 13, 2011 at 5:40 pm

"Shared sacrifice but none from me"?? What are you a Republican?

GhostBuggy July 13, 2011 at 5:43 pm: Well, then I would have to be addicted to oil and sleazy men's room sex, instead of just regular old booze.

C_R_Eature July 13, 2011 at 10:05 pm

You can have my Sebastian's Rum when you pry it from my cold dead hands.

Oh, look, here's a dusty fifth of Captain Morgan's! Here you go!

Terry July 13, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Directed at Wonketters based in Minnesota. I have have several lovely businesses selling beer, wine, and liquor within walking distance of me at this very moment.

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 3:58 pm

At least, all our Minnesota readers maintain their families's tradition of making bathtub akvavit.

BTWBFDIMHO July 13, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I don't even want to know what is that.

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 9:22 pm: Norwegian hooch, flavored with anise. Rather nice, really.

SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 3:58 pm

"No beer and no football make Homer something something…"
"Go crazy?"
"Don't mind if I do!"

mayor_quimby July 14, 2011 at 3:17 pm: There is going to be a fucking riot every Sunday at noon when football season rolls around and the Metrodome is vacant and the bars are shut.
Wait, I vaguely remember some little incident happening last winter…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAyLX2hY7E0
Holy fuck, it's gonna be a bloodbath up there!

weejee July 13, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Well at least they still have their beloved lutefisk. Loss of that would be uncodly.

jus_wonderin July 13, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I have a question, just for the halibut. Is there a replacement for lutefisk?

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:19 am: I sure hope not.

Sharkey July 13, 2011 at 4:33 pm

You are very subtle and creative with your whiting. In honor of your sole ability to make me laugh off the scale, I raise a can of krill to you!

northernbassist July 13, 2011 at 4:36 pm

crappie, crappie, crappie…

Sharkey July 13, 2011 at 6:40 pm: I deserve to be thrown overboard and go straight to Wales.

weejee July 13, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Thanks, and walleyed be pleased to keep on punishing the basstards I have (thank you northernbassist) crappied-out.

Lascauxcaveman July 13, 2011 at 6:02 pm: I don't know where you got that contraband Bailey's Irish Cream, but there's salmon your chin, there.

gurukalehuru July 13, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Whatever appeals to the Bass.

Larry McAwful July 13, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I'd say it would be downright herringowing.

Lascauxcaveman July 14, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Haddock Wilson known this booze shortage was coming, he might have written a painkiller prescription for the entire state.

northernbassist July 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm

oh for goodness hake–now you're just floundering.

Lascauxcaveman July 14, 2011 at 7:29 pm: Walleye dunno about that, but as I gaze a prawn it one last time, I've got to agree, yeah, this thread smelt bad after about five or six comments.

Still, you betta believe a government shutdown doesn't come down the pike every day, it cuts right to the sole of our society's morays! We're perched on the edge of insanity, and it's making me eel. A grouper two of Minnesotans really oughta camp out at the capitol and get these legislators to stop acting koi about this issue, possibly even roughy up a few Republicans.

We need a strong manta lead this protest, women may think no booze is OK, but minnow it's a total disaster.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 13, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Happy now, teabaggers?
~

JustPixelz July 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Yeah, now we're down to just one food group: cheese fries.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:20 am: Is that like poutine?

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Limited government is a bitch without Marlboro's and Hamms.

Terry July 13, 2011 at 5:49 pm

As long as a tea bagger's stash of oxycotin holds out, they're happy.

FNMA July 13, 2011 at 3:59 pm

This is the most disturbing news I've heard all week.
I'm going to go home and hug my bottle of Bulleitt's Frontier Whiskey.

Sue4466 July 13, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Maybe now the folks of Minnesota will sober up long enough to realize they elected Michele Bachmann to the House of Representatives.

Tho, then they'll really need to get loaded.

Boredw/Gravitas July 13, 2011 at 3:59 pm

This may be the booze talking, but I'm really gonna miss my booze.

tymberwolf817 July 13, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Crap — what will lure people into an opiated stupor now?

nounverb911 July 13, 2011 at 4:02 pm: Bristol Meth?
JustPixelz July 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm: Heroin?
SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 4:27 pm: Cough syrup?
WhatTheHolyHeck July 13, 2011 at 4:44 pm: I have it on good authority the magic picture box serves that function for the masses.
HistoriCat July 13, 2011 at 5:41 pm: Porn.
donner_froh July 13, 2011 at 6:28 pm: Opiates?
horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 7:51 pm: Since Gov. Auto-tune raised the cig tax 75 cents, I think this observation about NYC from Dave Attell applies, here: "Cigarettes are 8 bucks a pack. Two bucks more and I could be smoking crack".

Pragmatist2 July 13, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Damn! What will I wash down the lutefisk with?

GunToting[Redacted] July 13, 2011 at 4:50 pm

If memory serves, Dran-o.

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 9:24 pm: They cook with lye, hence the flavor.

fuflans July 13, 2011 at 4:02 pm

this is just like prohibition only with less cool gangsters and more fat republicans.

AbandonHope July 13, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Shit, wait until everybody sobers up and realizes they're in Minnesota.

fuflans July 13, 2011 at 4:03 pm

i hope monsieur_grumpe hasn't commented b/c he's out stocking up.

RoboGuppy July 13, 2011 at 4:04 pm

If it's Budweiser they want, they can just recycle the piss and they'll never know the difference.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Who will be Minnesota's modern-day Joseph Kennedy?

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 4:25 pm: Well, the Kennedys are American royalty, so, uh… Prince?

smokefilleddoommate July 13, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Total fucking bedlam!

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 7:52 pm: Let's go crazy!

DerrickWildcat July 13, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Does the University of Minnesota have the technology to make alcohol?

jus_wonderin July 13, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Can't they just ferment cheese???

mavenmaven July 13, 2011 at 4:37 pm

It will be like in Russia. Our PhD told us that in the USSR, if you called a repairman to the lab, it was understood that you had to pass them a container with some of the biological grade pure alcohol you had in the lab.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Well, I can attest to the fact that a bunch of uneducated sailors (including myself) were able to concoct apple jack with a considerable kick while in the middle of the Indian Ocean, so I imagine this institute of higher learning should be able to come up with something.

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 9:25 pm: So give us the recipe, Baldar!

Dudleydidwrong July 13, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Just remember that everyone there is named either "Sven" or "Ole."

El Pinche July 13, 2011 at 4:06 pm

There is no God

nounverb911 July 13, 2011 at 4:13 pm

He/She's busy burning down Texas.

El Pinche July 13, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Praise be to gawd that he/she gets Louie Gohmert's place.

OneDollarJuana July 13, 2011 at 4:27 pm: Send in Cindy McCain!

Dudleydidwrong July 13, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Yeah, but there is still plenty of communion wine…

Goonemeritus July 13, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I foresee a very irritable group of Minnesotans marching on their capital with pitchforks. Passive aggressive types can only take so much than it gets ugly.

Native_of_SL_UT July 13, 2011 at 4:13 pm: What could possibly go wrong with pitchforks and DT's?
OneDollarJuana July 13, 2011 at 4:27 pm: And they'll be sober, so their aim will be better.
SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 4:33 pm: But it'll be a rather shaky mob.

SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Larry Craig has a new excuse for his Minneapolis airport bathroom toe-tapping; it was the shakes.

Sharkey July 13, 2011 at 4:08 pm

There's always bathtub moonshine.

(P. S. Check out the "Related Questions" too.)

hagajim July 13, 2011 at 4:08 pm

This cannot be good. I can't think of anything worse than a pissed off Minnesotan who can't get his/her lush on. Talk about riots in the street…sheesh!

Radiotherapy® July 13, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Slim Jim supplies are safe….right?

Larry McAwful July 13, 2011 at 6:04 pm: For now. But as more Minnesotans stock up to ferment into Slim Jim jack, supplies might dwindle.

Chillwaver July 13, 2011 at 4:09 pm

"In the days leading up to the shutdown, thousands of outlets scrambled to renew their state-issued liquor purchasing cards. Many of them did not make it."

This sounds like it affects all licenses, so when's the Bachmann Clinic's permit up for renewal?

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 4:34 pm

The cagey fucks are in a State where their kind of Psycho-Grifting is not regulated. Coincidence? I think not.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:24 am

No shit. The so-called "Doctor" Bachmann has no qualifications to be a psychologist, psychiatrist, or analyst. How he gets to "practice" harrassment of gays legally is beyond me.

ttommyunger July 14, 2011 at 9:14 am: Daylight is a great disinfectant, the law of unintended consequences may be at work before our very eyes. This kind of scam works best under cover of darkness.

OneYieldRegular July 13, 2011 at 4:09 pm

"And if elected, I promise a six-pack of Hamm's in every pot."

WinterOuthouse July 13, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I thought the Hamm's Bear was 'all that' when I was a child. I watched his commerical everynight precisely at 10:00 pm. "From the land of sky blue waters…."

Lascauxcaveman July 13, 2011 at 6:16 pm

"The Big Beer-Drinking Brotherhood of Hamms…" Even as far west as Seattle, we saw those ads.

WinterOuthouse July 13, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Seattle! You have Rainer Beer. You have the best commericals ever made.

Lascauxcaveman July 14, 2011 at 12:10 pm: That's true. But still a special spot in our hearts for that silly old bear, which predated the cool Rainier ads by several years, at least.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:24 am

Makes for a great Belgian beef stew.

littlebigdaddy July 13, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Finally…a reason to go to North Dakota!

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 4:26 pm: I'll take Fargo City… on the Rocks.

JoshuaNorton July 13, 2011 at 4:09 pm

2 words:

Toilet wine.

Look it up.

baconzgood July 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Some one spent some time in prison.

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 9:43 pm: Or the Navy — prison with a chance of drowning!

El Pinche July 13, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I know what that is! I watch late night MSNBC.

prommie July 13, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I made prison hooch at work once. I took a big ziplock bag of leftover fruit cocktail to work and forgot it in the fridge for a week. When I re-discovered it, I could see that there was fermentation a-transpiring, so I vented the gas and put it back, intending to see how fermented it would get. I announced to all my fellow lawyers that I was making prison hooch, and invited everyone to a tatse test one day at lunch time. They thought I was crazy, noone would even taste it. This wasn't bad at all, I think the long slow fermentation at low temperature, and the 100% fresh fruit ingredients, helped a lot. It packed a wallop, too. My father was sent to Attu, the last of the Aleutian Islands, during WWII, he told me they used to ferment absolutely anything and everything they could get their hands on, he would even volunteer to unload ships just to get the opportunity to steal canned fruit and sugar.

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 9:47 pm: This sort of accident sometimes happens at fundamentalist colleges, too. I was at one such place, pursuing my archaeology degree. Someone made some kind of fruit drink for a chaste get-together, but let it sit too long. When we tried it, it had a weird flavor! Only I and a Coast Guard vet recognized the alcoholic qualities!

Sharkey July 13, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Hot toilet wine!

Noname54313 July 13, 2011 at 5:47 pm

I was in prison, and we made hooch out of orange juice and bread dough. Shit was as good as beer.

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Do I detect a hint of ammonia in this Merlot?

MrFizzy July 13, 2011 at 4:09 pm

The fact that you need a liquor purchasing card is enough reason to leave.

SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 4:36 pm

This is far bars and stores, it's a license to sell liquor. Manufacturers need them two, and at least one big one missed theirs – in Minnesota, it is no longer Miller time.

This is good news for Budweiser.

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 9:50 pm

The liquor card is an unfortunate adoption from Scandinavia. One of the few advantages Sweden and Finland have over Norway (I'm reliably told) is that one can get cheap vodka smuggled in from Russia! (Norwegians must moonshine, with the usual dubious results.)

emmelemm July 14, 2011 at 4:44 am: The last time I went to Finland, we took the ferry to Tallinn in Estonia, and all the Finns were on the ferry with (empty) rollerboard suitcases so they could buy liquor and smokes there, and take the ferry right back. (I guess it's untaxed or something, whereas it's clearly taxed up the wazoo in Scandinavian countries.)

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Man, if I lived up there, I'd be calling Century 21 and reserving a U-Haul. But that's the functional alcoholic in me talking.

jus_wonderin July 13, 2011 at 4:40 pm: Funny thing. I am hearing that same functional alcoholic.
Sparky_McGruff July 13, 2011 at 8:50 pm: Functional is kind of a relative term, isn't it…

pinkocommi July 13, 2011 at 4:12 pm

First they came for the government workers,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a government worker.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the middle class,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a member of the middle class.

Then they came for the alcohol
and I started the fucking revolution.

BadassKitty July 13, 2011 at 10:06 pm: I be stealin' this.
C_R_Eature July 13, 2011 at 10:07 pm: Oh, this one's a keeper!

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed are on the case.

♫ Northbound and down
Loaded up and truckin' ♪

GunToting[Redacted] July 13, 2011 at 4:59 pm: Unfortunately the loaded contents of the truck was Coors…

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 4:15 pm

This is good news for drug dealers!!!

WinterOuthouse July 13, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Fire up the still, Lena.

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 4:36 pm

It's either that or fuck each other without beer goggles…..The Horror…….The horror!

WinterOuthouse July 13, 2011 at 4:53 pm

There is always marijuana, Tommy. But, they might run out of Twinkies and Pringles and then what????? Leech stew? Lutefisk? Maybe a hand job is best in these uncertian times.

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 4:57 pm: Always works for me.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:27 am

Something tells me there will be no sproggage as a result of this long, dry season.

ttommyunger July 14, 2011 at 9:15 am: Unfamiliar with the term, but it sounds dirty….I like it!

AJWjr. July 13, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Ja, Ole!

baconzgood July 13, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Right now I'm very happy I don't live in Minnesota.

OneDollarJuana July 13, 2011 at 4:29 pm: I'm always happy I don't live in Minnesota (written in Seattle).
starfanglednut July 13, 2011 at 11:09 pm: I don't drink, and I'm still happy I don't live in Minnesota.

BlueMonkeh July 13, 2011 at 4:20 pm

No beer before the Twinkies? The horror…..the horror….

widestanceroman July 13, 2011 at 4:20 pm

They're gonna have to fuck each other stone cold sober now! Hah, hah, hah!

Hey, Minnesota Legislature, wouldn't this be a great time for some Be Bop Rebop rhubarb pie?

(anger has subsided into baseline bitterness, my usual state)

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 4:25 pm

"They're gonna have to fuck each other stone cold sober now! "

Headline from next year:
"MARCH BIRTHS DOWN 75% IN M-SP!
—Maternity Wards Empty—"

widestanceroman July 13, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Technicians Baffled by 7000% Increase in Accessed Porn

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm: Demographers Predict Minnesota Will Be Hispanic Majority State By 2014.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:29 am

Shit, Baldar, I just SAID that. Dammit, man, stop taking over my thoughts!

GunToting[Redacted] July 13, 2011 at 5:00 pm

This bitterness is brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.

widestanceroman July 13, 2011 at 5:05 pm: Thank you for those natural emollients, Gun.

poncho_pilot July 13, 2011 at 4:20 pm

what a bunch of hamdingers. way to go, MN.

i wonder if this will hurt T-Paw's chances of…hahaha.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:29 am

Why not, he's claiming credit for the whole fecking mess.

poncho_pilot July 14, 2011 at 7:10 am: T-Paw was never that bright, was he?

SayItWithWookies July 13, 2011 at 4:21 pm

It's all fun and games until somebody has to spend Friday night sober with their spouse, Minnesota.

jus_wonderin July 13, 2011 at 4:27 pm: "You ain't much fun since I quit drinkin' "

inapewetrust July 13, 2011 at 4:21 pm

i guess everyone will just have to smoke crank to unwind after a long day of not finding any jobs anywhere.

Barrelhse July 13, 2011 at 4:39 pm

The only jobs around were in the food service industry anyway, and now those will be lost, too.
So you can forget your dreams of becoming one of those $100,000 waiters.

AJWjr. July 13, 2011 at 5:41 pm: I'm not quite as generous a tipper since I stopped drinking, those waiters will be getting by on a little less.

baconzgood July 13, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Just for you Minnesota, I'm going on such a bender.

OneDollarJuana July 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Yeah, like there's any good beer in Minnesota.

metamarcisf July 13, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Hamm's: "It's in the water."

natoslug July 13, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Hamm's: "It's ~~in the~~ water."

BadassKitty July 13, 2011 at 10:07 pm: Hamm's: It's like sex in a canoe; fucking close to water.

Juan_Oriley July 14, 2011 at 2:17 am

Summit!! But then again, Grain Belt Premium came from there…

Nostrildamus July 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Like even Brett Favre can save Minnesota now…

I disagree. Tweeting your dick is always a good substitute for effective governance. Ask any public official.

jus_wonderin July 13, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Glad it is not 5 o'clock and that I don't live there.

JustPixelz July 13, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Sober Minnesotans is not a happy prospect for Minnesotans.

Have crack dealers also been unable to renew their licenses?

Will this be like the baby boom 9 months after the big power outage back in the 60s? Except in reverse.

DahBoner July 13, 2011 at 6:36 pm: "Have crack dealers also been unable to renew their licenses?"

Long time ago, I was on the street standing out of Prince's nightclub downtown and some guy asked me if I needed any heroin or girls.

Hope this hasn't affected his business…

north_of_moscow July 13, 2011 at 4:31 pm

So which Smokey and the Bandit are we on now? Three? Four?

Buckminster July 13, 2011 at 4:31 pm

When the government starts interfering with our heavy drinking, it's time to riot!

Monsieur_Grumpe July 13, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Bwahahahaha!
I live in Minnesota.
BUT!!!!!!
I make my own beer!
Bwhahahahahaha!
Etc.

Thurman Munster IV July 13, 2011 at 4:45 pm: I hope you're armed to the teeth. It's gonna get real Cormac McCarthy up there soon.
Nothingisamiss July 13, 2011 at 6:07 pm: See, Wonketteers make beer, not buy gold. Which is gonna taste better. Minnesota teabaggers?!

(But, yeah, you may need to keep the beer making on the down low for now.)

ingloriousbytch July 13, 2011 at 4:33 pm

*Loads up car trunk with booze and programs GPS for Minnesota*

This sista's about to get PAID!

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 9:31 pm: Throw in a few cartons of smokes. Nicotine withdrawal is not pretty, and I was happy to pay $10-$20 a pack when Jonesing.

El Pinche July 13, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I still cant get over the fact that psycho Bachmann is running for the nomination and talking shit while her state govt is shutdown.

I think I'll go make some toilet wine now (JoshuaNorton , HEENNGHG?!).

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 5:57 pm: I'm waiting for her Temperance Statement and speech on the evils of the Demon Rum.

Fox n Fiends July 13, 2011 at 4:35 pm

SHARIA LAW HAS COME TO MINNESOTA

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 9:32 pm: Damn, the Muslims in MN must be SO fucking happy. This is totally like an Act of Allah in their book. The unbelievers sin no more!

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 4:38 pm

As one who no longer imbibes, I can only say: "BwaaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaa!

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Damn, you're virtuous. (Takes another toke.)

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Nope, just old. Had lots of drinks, took lots of tokes, and more. You'll see.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:32 am

I will? (Looks around nervously)

Is that a promise or a threat? Or just a warning of the joys that old age has in store for us all? (takes large sip of wine and fresh toke)

ttommyunger July 14, 2011 at 9:17 am: You have to be alive to discover the “joys” of your seventh decade and beyond. Dying young avoids the problem, but it is not recommended.

Mumbletypeg July 13, 2011 at 4:39 pm

It's kind of heartwarming, the way people rally together in times of deprivation and duress. WHen Hurrican Isabel knocked out the power to our immediate residential and commercial grid for like 10 days, that one family with the generator invited everybody who happened to notice to stop into their porch for brewed coffee on a daily basis; in this way many a caffeine jones got reckoned with in a social outreach ritual. You saw folks meeting and getting to know one another for the first time that had lived down the street from each other for years.
With an alcohol shortage though, maybe not. By contrast the lot of us would have probably turned into miserly mouth-breathers trying to outwit each other's half-assed lies and second-guess each others secret hoarding spots.

jus_wonderin July 13, 2011 at 4:48 pm: You have the premise for a great screenplay. Might we suggest names?

The Day the Still Stood Still?
Dry Hard?
Booze-mageddon?

Geminisunmars July 13, 2011 at 4:39 pm

OT – back to Murdock – the Reuters article has been pulled, with this explanation:

"Please be advised that the David Cay Johnston column published on Tuesday stating that Rupert Murdoch’s U.S.-based News Corp made money on income taxes is wrong and has been withdrawn. News Corp’s filings show the company changed reporting conventions in its 2007 annual report when it reversed the way it showed positive and negative numbers. A new column correcting and explaining the error in more detail will be issued shortly."

whoopsie – who tf do they think they are fooling. We got our positive and negative numbers mixed up? Some shenanigans, I'd say.

BornInATrailer July 13, 2011 at 4:43 pm

There will be Hell to pay if Marcus doesn't get his cosmos and white wine spritzers.

randcoolcatdaddy July 13, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Well, now Minnesota will understand what life is like under Conservative pricks in your state legislature and you live in a Southern dry county and don't even have the luxury of getting your drunk on to ferget things for awhile.

Wonder why the South never changes? Those that have booze are so drunk they're incapacitated; those without are so depressed they gave up long ago.

BTWBFDIMHO July 13, 2011 at 4:48 pm

That's the Bible according to Marcus Bachmann: no queers and no beers for Minnesota.

DahBoner July 13, 2011 at 6:41 pm: For a guy who don't like queers, ole Marcus sure spends a good part of his day talkin' to 'em.

WHAT IS IT THEY'RE BUILDING IN THERE???

BarackMyWorld July 13, 2011 at 4:49 pm

No booze? Republicans really do want to take America back to the 1920s.

prommie July 13, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Its the apocalypse.

Guppy06 July 13, 2011 at 4:54 pm

"The Ugly Mug, a popular bar near Target Field, doesn’t have enough beer to get through the baseball season."

If they have enough to blow on a baseball stadium and Minnesota Forward, they've got enough to keep local businesses afloat during this orgy of small government, right?

cheetojeebus July 13, 2011 at 4:59 pm

PFFTZZ o0º….. glug glug glug. AHHHHhhhhh ….not much sympathy, after all, you gave the world Michelle.

Dudleydidwrong July 13, 2011 at 9:13 pm: And T-Paw… Cause for another cold one.

FlyOverGirl July 13, 2011 at 5:06 pm

But Minnesota's sales of Brew Your Own Magazine will sky rocket.

conehead dog July 13, 2011 at 5:09 pm

There is also a news article today (I live in MN and am a nonessential state employee) about how the state parks are filling up with poo–both animal and human.
http://www.twincities.com/news/ci_18465821?source…

Gleem_McShineys July 13, 2011 at 5:32 pm: Who knew that the invisible hand doesn't scoop poop?
Larry McAwful July 13, 2011 at 6:15 pm: Wow… If Minnesota weren't over a thousand miles away from me, I might have to drive over and take a dump in one of its state parks, too.
horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 7:56 pm: As a Wisconsinite, I say, Minnesota is poo.
PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 9:37 pm: I see from the comments that there is no lack of idiots in MN either.

CrunchyKnee July 13, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Thousands of Minnesotans waking up sober is not a pleasant thought.

mrblifil July 13, 2011 at 5:18 pm

This is forcing me to give crystal meth a second look.

Pat_Pending July 13, 2011 at 5:24 pm

And what is going to happen to the Sidetrack Tap in Lake Wobegon? That's gonna be a very quiet week. Except for the riots.

Lascauxcaveman July 13, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Holy Shit, we gotta send in a rescue mission for poor Mr. Berge. A guy that old with the DT's? It'd kill him.

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Not to worry, Wally's deadbeat son Leland (recently paroled for the insurance scam he ran in the late 1990s) has decided he can make a killing by being a speed limit-obeying, always use the turn signals Lutheran bootlegger. He even went so far as to put an STP decal on his K-Car's bumper!

Lascauxcaveman July 14, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I'm pretty sure Wally and Mr. Berge are still not speaking after that incident with the Sons of Knute float in the 4th of July parade.

user-of-owls July 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm: Oh right, I'd forgotten. That was such an ugly spectacle. To think that Mr. Berge very nearly raised his voice slightly, I mean I just don't know what this world has come to.

Callyson July 13, 2011 at 5:27 pm

You can kiss Minnesota nice goodbye, unless and until they get the underground tunnels working…

glamourdammerung July 13, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I hope folks remember exactly who is responsible and why this is occurring.

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 9:39 pm: Well, it would appear that Timmeh "FeeFee" TeaPawz is claiming credit.

MissTaken July 13, 2011 at 5:50 pm

OMG!1!! If they can't sell Budweiser in Minnesota how will Megs McCain be able to afford to buy bras at the local WalMart? This is a national tragedy people.

DahBoner July 13, 2011 at 6:39 pm: The state will soon look like a dry, dusty ghost town after those Scandahovian milk maids up there pack up and go off to a wet state…

AJWjr. July 13, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Teabaggers really put the woe in Lake Wobegon.

NYNYNYjr July 13, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Duh- just shut down the police = bars stay open, taxpayer saves butt load more money, bars hire newly unemployed police as security against newly formed snow warlord tribes = job creation?

genxr July 13, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Now that's some good libertarian thinking! Without a government, we can rename the state anything we want. I suggest "New Somalia"

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Or maybe "Snowmalia"?

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Anything with "malia" in it will bring out the Obama-hatin' big time.

user-of-owls July 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm: They don't need a reason to hate him, so we might as well rename St. Paul to Kinsasha.

valgal2342 July 13, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Time to load up the General Lee and head to MN with a trunk load of Moonshine!
Yeeeehaw!

Larry McAwful July 13, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Oh, has your family tried it? Toilet wine?
Oh, has your family tried it? Toilet wine?
Now if your family's tried it,
They've possibly been blinded,
But what else can they imbibe?
Toilet wine!

Made from ketchup and sugar packets pocketed from the various booths at the Denny's out on highway 61, a couple blocks away from Guy Noire's office, so you know it's not only made with potentially alcoholic sugar, but they're also impure, mostly. It gives sober persons the strength it takes to get up and slog through life. Heavens, it's potent and expeditious.

And now we go to the latest installment of "Lives of the Cowboys"…

DahBoner July 13, 2011 at 6:34 pm

"Now, with no end in sight to the shutdown, they face a summer of fast-dwindling alcohol supplies and a bottom line that looks increasingly bleak."

That'll teach 'em for throwing away Grandpa's old Lutefisk still…

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 9:41 pm: Oh, jezusgawd, just thinking of lutefisk-flavoured booze is enough to make me lose my taste for drinking.

krazyvladimir July 13, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Not even wine coolers ?????

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Teen pregnancy/"consensual rape" is going to plummet, at least.

krazyvladimir July 14, 2011 at 1:02 am: Nah……. Listerine is still available……

MinAgain July 13, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Well, hell. I can't believe I just threw out that recipe for bathtub gin.

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Hey, Not That Dewey, wanna split the rent on a St. Paul duplex?

Warpde July 13, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Swear to God "hic" and Jebus.
I was "hic" only in Minnesota for a week. "hic"
Don't blame me for a "hic" shortage "hic"

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Good news for Iowa liquor stores; we got rid of the state liquor store thing some years ago! Also, good for Canadian pot-smugglers, I suppose.

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 9:29 pm

No booze and no fags. I predict riots. Never get between a smoker/alcoholic and their drug of choice. Minnesota, Republicans, this time you picked on the wrong folks. This ain't like picking on potheads who are too mellow to do much. Shit, when I was still smoking, I would have killed anyone that tried to keep me from my cigarettes. Good luck, Minnesota Republicans. Yer gonna need it.

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Entrepreneurs! Make a killing! Buy up all the Everclear you can find, add large quantities of grape Kool-aid and sell it to Minnesotans at a high price!

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 10:09 pm

If this lasts long-enough, this could be another Chinese export opportunity. You can buy gallons of baijiu here for a couple dollars.

PristineODummy July 14, 2011 at 12:36 am: Yeah, but everyone knows drinking baijiu will make you blind. Well, everyone except stupid gwai lo. Right, how much to invest in this business?

betweenstations July 13, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Not sure I saw this, but all Miller-Coors product is being pulled from the state:
http://www.startribune.com/politics/statelocal/12…

zhubajie July 14, 2011 at 6:08 am: Are the Coors family major Reptilian Overlords? Don't you think T-Paw is going to get a major ass-chewing from donors who are friends/allies/butt-buddies of the Coorses?

Negropolis July 14, 2011 at 2:25 am

Boy am I glad that I live in Michigan, right now. We don't have to worry about no stinkin' gubmint shutdown with the Republicans holding every major statewide office. Hell, they've got a supermajority in the state senate.

You'd be surprised at how freeing it is to know that you have absolutely zero effect on how your state is run.

Negropolis July 14, 2011 at 2:32 am