war is hell

Minnesota’s Booze Supply Latest Horrifying Casualty of Shutdown

as long as they keep the border with wisconsin open, there is hope.NOW IT IS SERIOUS. As “the eternal winter of war” continues to defecate all over the once-pristine state of Minnesota, we are hearing terrifying news reports that Minnesota’s liquor is running out. Nobody is able get their state-issued liquor purchasing cards renewed, so we suggest that anyone still alive at this hour over there should probably leave work right now to get to the bars, as this whole situation is about to get a lot worse, possibly even like “Utah worse.” Professional sports, meaningless office jobs, summer school, pub trivia and sex are all canceled as a result.

The Star Tribune reports from the front:

In the days leading up to the shutdown, thousands of outlets scrambled to renew their state-issued liquor purchasing cards. Many of them did not make it.

Now, with no end in sight to the shutdown, they face a summer of fast-dwindling alcohol supplies and a bottom line that looks increasingly bleak.

“It’s going to cripple our industry,” said Frank Ball, executive director of the Minnesota Licensed Beverage Association, which represents thousands of liquor retailers in the state.

The Ugly Mug, a popular bar near Target Field, doesn’t have enough beer to get through the baseball season.

“Our inventories are diminishing rapidly over the next month,” owner Erik Forsberg said. He was among a cluster of bar and restaurant owners who appealed Tuesday to a court-appointed special master to be allowed to continue buying alcohol during the shutdown. “When [the Twins are] back on Thursday and people can’t get Budweiser and they can’t get whatever, they’re just going to go somewhere else.”

Like even Brett Favre can save Minnesota now… just ask Wisconsin how that went. Everyone drink a beer for Minnesota tonight. [Star Tribune]

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    1. horsedreamer_1

      Superior, for once, will actually be superior to Duluth.

      The line to cross the border will be two hours long.

      1. Juan_Oriley

        Every St Paulite with bad planing skills who drinks all their booze on Saturday and has people coming over for the Vikes game on Sunday knows that the good folks at Cassanova's over in Hudson has all their needs covered, they even have a port-o-john in the parking lot. I always thought it was stupid to give the Cheesetards all the tax revenue and that was before gov Kocksucker assumed power.

    1. Negropolis

      There aren't many Cletusi in Minnesota. I'm guessing you've got a lot of Ericks and Johans and Anders and…

    1. tcaalaw

      AquaVelva?! Bah! As someone who has lived in a harsh northern climate (Alberta), I can tell you that real men drink warmed Lysol when they can't get booze at a government-run liquor store.

      1. Rotundo_

        Thanks! That would be a perfect motto for the GOP nationwide as well. Otter was right…

    1. GhostBuggy

      I was thinking some of us could put together crates of booze to drop from planes over Minnesota; I'm sure, if we all chipped in from our personal stashes, we'd have thousands and thousands of bottles. So let's all sacrifice our vodka, whiskey and grain alcohol! But, uh, not mine.

      Sweet Jesus, not mine.

        1. GhostBuggy

          Well, then I would have to be addicted to oil and sleazy men's room sex, instead of just regular old booze.

      1. C_R_Eature

        You can have my Sebastian's Rum when you pry it from my cold dead hands.

        Oh, look, here's a dusty fifth of Captain Morgan's! Here you go!

    2. Terry

      Directed at Wonketters based in Minnesota. I have have several lovely businesses selling beer, wine, and liquor within walking distance of me at this very moment.

  1. horsedreamer_1

    At least, all our Minnesota readers maintain their families's tradition of making bathtub akvavit.

  2. SorosBot

    "No beer and no football make Homer something something…"
    "Go crazy?"
    "Don't mind if I do!"

    1. mayor_quimby

      There is going to be a fucking riot every Sunday at noon when football season rolls around and the Metrodome is vacant and the bars are shut.
      Wait, I vaguely remember some little incident happening last winter…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAyLX2hY7E0
      Holy fuck, it's gonna be a bloodbath up there!

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I don't know where you got that contraband Bailey's Irish Cream, but there's salmon your chin, there.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Haddock Wilson known this booze shortage was coming, he might have written a painkiller prescription for the entire state.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Walleye dunno about that, but as I gaze a prawn it one last time, I've got to agree, yeah, this thread smelt bad after about five or six comments.

            Still, you betta believe a government shutdown doesn't come down the pike every day, it cuts right to the sole of our society's morays! We're perched on the edge of insanity, and it's making me eel. A grouper two of Minnesotans really oughta camp out at the capitol and get these legislators to stop acting koi about this issue, possibly even roughy up a few Republicans.

            We need a strong manta lead this protest, women may think no booze is OK, but minnow it's a total disaster.

  3. FNMA

    This is the most disturbing news I've heard all week.
    I'm going to go home and hug my bottle of Bulleitt's Frontier Whiskey.

  4. Sue4466

    Maybe now the folks of Minnesota will sober up long enough to realize they elected Michele Bachmann to the House of Representatives.

    Tho, then they'll really need to get loaded.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      I have it on good authority the magic picture box serves that function for the masses.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Since Gov. Auto-tune raised the cig tax 75 cents, I think this observation about NYC from Dave Attell applies, here: "Cigarettes are 8 bucks a pack. Two bucks more and I could be smoking crack".

  5. RoboGuppy

    If it's Budweiser they want, they can just recycle the piss and they'll never know the difference.

    1. mavenmaven

      It will be like in Russia. Our PhD told us that in the USSR, if you called a repairman to the lab, it was understood that you had to pass them a container with some of the biological grade pure alcohol you had in the lab.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, I can attest to the fact that a bunch of uneducated sailors (including myself) were able to concoct apple jack with a considerable kick while in the middle of the Indian Ocean, so I imagine this institute of higher learning should be able to come up with something.

  6. Goonemeritus

    I foresee a very irritable group of Minnesotans marching on their capital with pitchforks. Passive aggressive types can only take so much than it gets ugly.

  7. SorosBot

    Larry Craig has a new excuse for his Minneapolis airport bathroom toe-tapping; it was the shakes.

  8. hagajim

    This cannot be good. I can't think of anything worse than a pissed off Minnesotan who can't get his/her lush on. Talk about riots in the street…sheesh!

    1. Larry McAwful

      For now. But as more Minnesotans stock up to ferment into Slim Jim jack, supplies might dwindle.

  9. Chillwaver

    "In the days leading up to the shutdown, thousands of outlets scrambled to renew their state-issued liquor purchasing cards. Many of them did not make it."

    This sounds like it affects all licenses, so when's the Bachmann Clinic's permit up for renewal?

    1. ttommyunger

      The cagey fucks are in a State where their kind of Psycho-Grifting is not regulated. Coincidence? I think not.

      1. PristineODummy

        No shit. The so-called "Doctor" Bachmann has no qualifications to be a psychologist, psychiatrist, or analyst. How he gets to "practice" harrassment of gays legally is beyond me.

        1. ttommyunger

          Daylight is a great disinfectant, the law of unintended consequences may be at work before our very eyes. This kind of scam works best under cover of darkness.

    1. WinterOuthouse

      I thought the Hamm's Bear was 'all that' when I was a child. I watched his commerical everynight precisely at 10:00 pm. "From the land of sky blue waters…."

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        "The Big Beer-Drinking Brotherhood of Hamms…" Even as far west as Seattle, we saw those ads.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            That's true. But still a special spot in our hearts for that silly old bear, which predated the cool Rainier ads by several years, at least.

    1. prommie

      I made prison hooch at work once. I took a big ziplock bag of leftover fruit cocktail to work and forgot it in the fridge for a week. When I re-discovered it, I could see that there was fermentation a-transpiring, so I vented the gas and put it back, intending to see how fermented it would get. I announced to all my fellow lawyers that I was making prison hooch, and invited everyone to a tatse test one day at lunch time. They thought I was crazy, noone would even taste it. This wasn't bad at all, I think the long slow fermentation at low temperature, and the 100% fresh fruit ingredients, helped a lot. It packed a wallop, too. My father was sent to Attu, the last of the Aleutian Islands, during WWII, he told me they used to ferment absolutely anything and everything they could get their hands on, he would even volunteer to unload ships just to get the opportunity to steal canned fruit and sugar.

      1. zhubajie

        This sort of accident sometimes happens at fundamentalist colleges, too. I was at one such place, pursuing my archaeology degree. Someone made some kind of fruit drink for a chaste get-together, but let it sit too long. When we tried it, it had a weird flavor! Only I and a Coast Guard vet recognized the alcoholic qualities!

    2. Noname54313

      I was in prison, and we made hooch out of orange juice and bread dough. Shit was as good as beer.

    1. SorosBot

      This is far bars and stores, it's a license to sell liquor. Manufacturers need them two, and at least one big one missed theirs – in Minnesota, it is no longer Miller time.

      This is good news for Budweiser.

      1. zhubajie

        The liquor card is an unfortunate adoption from Scandinavia. One of the few advantages Sweden and Finland have over Norway (I'm reliably told) is that one can get cheap vodka smuggled in from Russia! (Norwegians must moonshine, with the usual dubious results.)

        1. emmelemm

          The last time I went to Finland, we took the ferry to Tallinn in Estonia, and all the Finns were on the ferry with (empty) rollerboard suitcases so they could buy liquor and smokes there, and take the ferry right back. (I guess it's untaxed or something, whereas it's clearly taxed up the wazoo in Scandinavian countries.)

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    Man, if I lived up there, I'd be calling Century 21 and reserving a U-Haul. But that's the functional alcoholic in me talking.

  11. pinkocommi

    First they came for the government workers,
    and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a government worker.

    Then they came for the trade unionists,
    and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

    Then they came for the middle class,
    and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a member of the middle class.

    Then they came for the alcohol
    and I started the fucking revolution.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed are on the case.

    ♫ Northbound and down
    Loaded up and truckin' ♪

    1. ttommyunger

      It's either that or fuck each other without beer goggles…..The Horror…….The horror!

      1. WinterOuthouse

        There is always marijuana, Tommy. But, they might run out of Twinkies and Pringles and then what????? Leech stew? Lutefisk? Maybe a hand job is best in these uncertian times.

      2. PristineODummy

        Something tells me there will be no sproggage as a result of this long, dry season.

  13. widestanceroman

    They're gonna have to fuck each other stone cold sober now! Hah, hah, hah!

    Hey, Minnesota Legislature, wouldn't this be a great time for some Be Bop Rebop rhubarb pie?

    (anger has subsided into baseline bitterness, my usual state)

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "They're gonna have to fuck each other stone cold sober now! "

      Headline from next year:
      —Maternity Wards Empty—"

  14. poncho_pilot

    what a bunch of hamdingers. way to go, MN.

    i wonder if this will hurt T-Paw's chances of…hahaha.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    It's all fun and games until somebody has to spend Friday night sober with their spouse, Minnesota.

    1. Barrelhse

      The only jobs around were in the food service industry anyway, and now those will be lost, too.
      So you can forget your dreams of becoming one of those $100,000 waiters.

      1. AJWjr.

        I'm not quite as generous a tipper since I stopped drinking, those waiters will be getting by on a little less.

  16. Nostrildamus

    Like even Brett Favre can save Minnesota now…

    I disagree. Tweeting your dick is always a good substitute for effective governance. Ask any public official.

  17. JustPixelz

    Sober Minnesotans is not a happy prospect for Minnesotans.

    Have crack dealers also been unable to renew their licenses?

    Will this be like the baby boom 9 months after the big power outage back in the 60s? Except in reverse.

    1. DahBoner

      "Have crack dealers also been unable to renew their licenses?"

      Long time ago, I was on the street standing out of Prince's nightclub downtown and some guy asked me if I needed any heroin or girls.

      Hope this hasn't affected his business…

  18. Buckminster

    When the government starts interfering with our heavy drinking, it's time to riot!

    1. Thurman Munster IV

      I hope you're armed to the teeth. It's gonna get real Cormac McCarthy up there soon.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      See, Wonketteers make beer, not buy gold. Which is gonna taste better. Minnesota teabaggers?!

      (But, yeah, you may need to keep the beer making on the down low for now.)

  19. ingloriousbytch

    *Loads up car trunk with booze and programs GPS for Minnesota*

    This sista's about to get PAID!

    1. PristineODummy

      Throw in a few cartons of smokes. Nicotine withdrawal is not pretty, and I was happy to pay $10-$20 a pack when Jonesing.

  20. El Pinche

    I still cant get over the fact that psycho Bachmann is running for the nomination and talking shit while her state govt is shutdown.

    I think I'll go make some toilet wine now (JoshuaNorton , HEENNGHG?!).

    1. PristineODummy

      Damn, the Muslims in MN must be SO fucking happy. This is totally like an Act of Allah in their book. The unbelievers sin no more!

        1. PristineODummy

          I will? (Looks around nervously)

          Is that a promise or a threat? Or just a warning of the joys that old age has in store for us all? (takes large sip of wine and fresh toke)

          1. ttommyunger

            You have to be alive to discover the “joys” of your seventh decade and beyond. Dying young avoids the problem, but it is not recommended.

  21. Mumbletypeg

    It's kind of heartwarming, the way people rally together in times of deprivation and duress. WHen Hurrican Isabel knocked out the power to our immediate residential and commercial grid for like 10 days, that one family with the generator invited everybody who happened to notice to stop into their porch for brewed coffee on a daily basis; in this way many a caffeine jones got reckoned with in a social outreach ritual. You saw folks meeting and getting to know one another for the first time that had lived down the street from each other for years.
    With an alcohol shortage though, maybe not. By contrast the lot of us would have probably turned into miserly mouth-breathers trying to outwit each other's half-assed lies and second-guess each others secret hoarding spots.

    1. jus_wonderin

      You have the premise for a great screenplay. Might we suggest names?

      The Day the Still Stood Still?
      Dry Hard?

  22. Geminisunmars

    OT – back to Murdock – the Reuters article has been pulled, with this explanation:

    "Please be advised that the David Cay Johnston column published on Tuesday stating that Rupert Murdoch’s U.S.-based News Corp made money on income taxes is wrong and has been withdrawn. News Corp’s filings show the company changed reporting conventions in its 2007 annual report when it reversed the way it showed positive and negative numbers. A new column correcting and explaining the error in more detail will be issued shortly."

    whoopsie – who tf do they think they are fooling. We got our positive and negative numbers mixed up? Some shenanigans, I'd say.

  23. BornInATrailer

    There will be Hell to pay if Marcus doesn't get his cosmos and white wine spritzers.

  24. randcoolcatdaddy

    Well, now Minnesota will understand what life is like under Conservative pricks in your state legislature and you live in a Southern dry county and don't even have the luxury of getting your drunk on to ferget things for awhile.

    Wonder why the South never changes? Those that have booze are so drunk they're incapacitated; those without are so depressed they gave up long ago.


    That's the Bible according to Marcus Bachmann: no queers and no beers for Minnesota.

    1. DahBoner

      For a guy who don't like queers, ole Marcus sure spends a good part of his day talkin' to 'em.


  26. Guppy06

    "The Ugly Mug, a popular bar near Target Field, doesn’t have enough beer to get through the baseball season."

    If they have enough to blow on a baseball stadium and Minnesota Forward, they've got enough to keep local businesses afloat during this orgy of small government, right?

  27. cheetojeebus

    PFFTZZ o0º….. glug glug glug. AHHHHhhhhh ….not much sympathy, after all, you gave the world Michelle.

    1. Larry McAwful

      Wow… If Minnesota weren't over a thousand miles away from me, I might have to drive over and take a dump in one of its state parks, too.

  28. Pat_Pending

    And what is going to happen to the Sidetrack Tap in Lake Wobegon? That's gonna be a very quiet week. Except for the riots.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Holy Shit, we gotta send in a rescue mission for poor Mr. Berge. A guy that old with the DT's? It'd kill him.

      1. user-of-owls

        Not to worry, Wally's deadbeat son Leland (recently paroled for the insurance scam he ran in the late 1990s) has decided he can make a killing by being a speed limit-obeying, always use the turn signals Lutheran bootlegger. He even went so far as to put an STP decal on his K-Car's bumper!

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I'm pretty sure Wally and Mr. Berge are still not speaking after that incident with the Sons of Knute float in the 4th of July parade.

          1. user-of-owls

            Oh right, I'd forgotten. That was such an ugly spectacle. To think that Mr. Berge very nearly raised his voice slightly, I mean I just don't know what this world has come to.

  29. Callyson

    You can kiss Minnesota nice goodbye, unless and until they get the underground tunnels working…

  30. MissTaken

    OMG!1!! If they can't sell Budweiser in Minnesota how will Megs McCain be able to afford to buy bras at the local WalMart? This is a national tragedy people.

    1. DahBoner

      The state will soon look like a dry, dusty ghost town after those Scandahovian milk maids up there pack up and go off to a wet state…

  31. NYNYNYjr

    Duh- just shut down the police = bars stay open, taxpayer saves butt load more money, bars hire newly unemployed police as security against newly formed snow warlord tribes = job creation?

    1. genxr

      Now that's some good libertarian thinking! Without a government, we can rename the state anything we want. I suggest "New Somalia"

          1. user-of-owls

            They don't need a reason to hate him, so we might as well rename St. Paul to Kinsasha.

  32. valgal2342

    Time to load up the General Lee and head to MN with a trunk load of Moonshine!

  33. Larry McAwful

    Oh, has your family tried it? Toilet wine?
    Oh, has your family tried it? Toilet wine?
    Now if your family's tried it,
    They've possibly been blinded,
    But what else can they imbibe?
    Toilet wine!

    Made from ketchup and sugar packets pocketed from the various booths at the Denny's out on highway 61, a couple blocks away from Guy Noire's office, so you know it's not only made with potentially alcoholic sugar, but they're also impure, mostly. It gives sober persons the strength it takes to get up and slog through life. Heavens, it's potent and expeditious.

    And now we go to the latest installment of "Lives of the Cowboys"…

  34. DahBoner

    "Now, with no end in sight to the shutdown, they face a summer of fast-dwindling alcohol supplies and a bottom line that looks increasingly bleak."

    That'll teach 'em for throwing away Grandpa's old Lutefisk still…

    1. PristineODummy

      Oh, jezusgawd, just thinking of lutefisk-flavoured booze is enough to make me lose my taste for drinking.

  35. Warpde

    Swear to God "hic" and Jebus.
    I was "hic" only in Minnesota for a week. "hic"
    Don't blame me for a "hic" shortage "hic"

  36. zhubajie

    Good news for Iowa liquor stores; we got rid of the state liquor store thing some years ago! Also, good for Canadian pot-smugglers, I suppose.

  37. PristineODummy

    No booze and no fags. I predict riots. Never get between a smoker/alcoholic and their drug of choice. Minnesota, Republicans, this time you picked on the wrong folks. This ain't like picking on potheads who are too mellow to do much. Shit, when I was still smoking, I would have killed anyone that tried to keep me from my cigarettes. Good luck, Minnesota Republicans. Yer gonna need it.

  38. zhubajie

    Entrepreneurs! Make a killing! Buy up all the Everclear you can find, add large quantities of grape Kool-aid and sell it to Minnesotans at a high price!

  39. zhubajie

    If this lasts long-enough, this could be another Chinese export opportunity. You can buy gallons of baijiu here for a couple dollars.

    1. PristineODummy

      Yeah, but everyone knows drinking baijiu will make you blind. Well, everyone except stupid gwai lo. Right, how much to invest in this business?

    1. zhubajie

      Are the Coors family major Reptilian Overlords? Don't you think T-Paw is going to get a major ass-chewing from donors who are friends/allies/butt-buddies of the Coorses?

  40. Negropolis

    Boy am I glad that I live in Michigan, right now. We don't have to worry about no stinkin' gubmint shutdown with the Republicans holding every major statewide office. Hell, they've got a supermajority in the state senate.

    You'd be surprised at how freeing it is to know that you have absolutely zero effect on how your state is run.

  41. Negropolis

    I said it in the last thread and I'll say it here; Canada, they're distracted. Initiate Operation Viking Liberation, now! Geet in dee choppah!

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