JESUS ALSO HATES NATURE  11:21 am July 13, 2011

Florida Tea Party Adopts Grievance Against Endangered Manatees

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

if tea partiers turned into manatees...Along with the Fed, health care reform, taxes, the TSA, Mexicans and secular governance, everyone can now add  ”harmless, adorable manatees” to the list of things Tea Party Patriots would like to kill. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service proposed new rules to restrict motorized boating in a popular Florida wildlife refuge, because the boats are a threat to the endangered species. County officials have legitimate concerns that some of the regulations may harm business by dampening tourism to the refuge, but the Florida Tea Party, however, is officially upset because “God put humans before nature,” and “this is a United Nations plot.”

The St. Petersburg Times reports:

“We cannot elevate nature above people,” explained Edna Mattos, 63, leader of the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots, in an interview. “That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”

“We believe that (federal regulators’) aim is to control the fish and wildlife, in addition to the use of the land that surrounds this area, and the people that live here and visit. … As most of us know, this all ties in to the United Nations’ Agenda 21 and Sustainability.”

Agenda 21 is a program, adopted by the U.N. in 1992, to encourage countries around the world to promote only development that does not harm nature. Pundit Glenn Beck and other conservatives have attacked it as an attempt to impose world government’s rules on every aspect of American lives. The Citrus County tea party group’s website says Agenda 21 is “designed to make humans into livestock.”

Humans into livestock! Well here is something pretty terrifying: the manatee population in the bay has grown from 100 to over 550 since the federal wildlife refuge was established in 198o, and that is just too many of them for comfort. It is “manatee vs. human” as far as God, nature and Glenn Beck and the Bill of Rights are concerned. Whose side will you be on? [St. Petersburg Times]

 

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{ 252 comments }

nounverb911 July 13, 2011 at 11:23 am

Manatees are certainly smarter than the teabaggers.

Maman July 13, 2011 at 11:29 am

That doesn't take much…

MLHencken July 13, 2011 at 11:33 am

and they also tend to resemble them.

zing.

starfanglednut July 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

No way. Manatees are adorable.

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

That's manatee libel! Aquatic mammals are gentle, graceful creatures who nurture their young. Teabaggers are just blubbery.

freakishlywrong July 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

And a lot more charming.

not that Dewey July 13, 2011 at 12:16 pm

And smaller. And eat less.

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 11:23 am
ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 11:29 am

How inflammatory!

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 1:43 pm

What's the difference between a Zeppelin and a Teabagger?

One's an ugly, outdated, giant rigid gasbag that has a tendency to go down in flames, and the other is an airship.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:24 am

These fucker's won't be happy until the entire planet is graded flat and covered in concrete, and the only living animals are those that can be slaughtered to be sold in the meat department.

genxr July 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

The entire planet must be made hoveround-friendly. Hoverounds will have gun racks, so the teabaggers can shoot any animal they come across, for fun.

Nothingisamiss July 13, 2011 at 11:41 am

Was this not the whole point of "Atlas Shrugged?" (Not that anyone from Florida will be able to read in 10 years or so.)

HistoriCat July 13, 2011 at 12:56 pm

It's what God wants – READ THE BIBLE!!!1!!1!

memzilla July 13, 2011 at 11:24 am

It's "Mana" and "Tee," not "Mana" and "Steve." Stop gay sea cow marriage now!

Thanks heavens we have a responsible political faction to pay attention to this important stuff.

ArmoredBore July 13, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I read that as "Mana Tree" for a second and got briefly excited. Then depressed to think that teabaggers would just cut such a thing down for Freedom™

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Sometimes, the tree of mana must be bled by the boat propellors.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:25 am

“God put humans before nature”

Explain Noah and the Ark, then.

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

I love , just LOVE, that there are adult human beings that believe that story is literally true. It means that, should I ever decide to become a con artist, I will find plenty of victims.

SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Even the Adam and Eve bullshit seems plausible before the story of Noah's Ark; hell, Santa Clause is more believable, and I'd have less contempt for an adult who believed in him.

HistoriCat July 13, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Hold on – what are you saying about Santa?!?

Steverino247 July 13, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Noah and the Ark is a story used to make children think Bible stories are cute and has the added benefit of keeping insane former astronauts off the streets and up in the mountains of Turkey where they belong.

Actually, the story made me wonder what kind of sick fucking god would drown his creations. And to wonder why he was so queer for fish and aquatic mammals?

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 1:26 pm

And why did Noah put two mosquitoes on, but left two unicorns off?

Steverino247 July 13, 2011 at 1:42 pm

The horns were too suggestive, sexually. Duh!

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 1:49 pm

And he put on the leprosy bacteria [Take that, Judah Ben-Hur!], but forgot the dinosaurs.

JerkCade July 13, 2011 at 3:34 pm

EVERYBODY! And dere were . . . green alligators and long-neck geese . . .

Janinthepan July 15, 2011 at 11:05 am

Humpty -back camels and chimpanzees! Don't forget the hand gestures!

Barb July 13, 2011 at 11:25 am

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
These idiots put the "duh" in Florida.

jane_cerva July 13, 2011 at 11:25 am

The mind boggles. A U.N. plot? How long do these idiots think humanity will last if we kill off all the other animals? Do they believe their god would really be happy with them for driving his creations into extinction?

freakishlywrong July 13, 2011 at 11:39 am

Their "God" is Dick Armey, so yeah, he'd be happy with that.

Lascauxcaveman July 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

And I love how Agenda 21 sounds just, so, so sinister, if you say it right.

And are already incredibly paranoid.

BlueMonkeh July 13, 2011 at 1:48 pm

are you really paranoid if you have to be told to be paranoid? conunDUHrum!

SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Their god is a monstrous genocidal maniac, remember, who will force the vast majority of humanity to suffer for eternity simply for not worshiping him in the right way; so yes, that would make their god happy.

jane_cerva July 13, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Oh, right. Of course. I don't know what I was thinking.

JustPixelz July 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

It's always some kind of plot with these people. Obama wasn't born here. Iraq was behind 9/11. The U.N. is making us into livestock.

Why don't they believe there's a government plan to keep them alive though health insurance reforms?

LesBontemps July 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

They do, and it's soshulizm, so better dead than red.

ArmoredBore July 13, 2011 at 12:35 pm

It's a mindset that sees no room for coincidence, but can find Jesus in a piece of toast. I don't think they can just stop and consider that sometimes a cigar is just a penis. Wait, I mean a mother! Wait, NO! CIGAR!!

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 1:29 pm

The U.N. Plot is as old, if not older than the Flouride In The Water Supply Plot.
In fact, I believe the preferred delivery Flouride Delivery System is a Black U.N. Helicopter.

finallyhappy July 13, 2011 at 4:47 pm

The absolute stupidity of people who do not understand how animals/plants/fish tie into keeping the earth's ecosystem viable for humans is amazing. Or absolutely predictable given the below moron level intelligence of teabaggers.

Chillwaver July 13, 2011 at 11:25 am

"“We cannot elevate nature above people”

And we cannot elevate a Teatard's intellect above a 5th grader's.

Come here a minute July 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

Or a sea cow's.

YasserArraFeck July 13, 2011 at 11:26 am

hopefully, that other slow moving, bottom-feeding, flabby mammal, the Hanatee, will soon be extinct

Lascauxcaveman July 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

Dr. Science says the Hanntee is actually a member of the lizard family.

YasserArraFeck July 13, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I don't think so – he definitely has large breasts

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Snake family – he definitely speaks with forked tongue.

donner_froh July 13, 2011 at 11:27 am

This is surprising since so many Teabaggers resemble manatees in weight and body mass.

Nothingisamiss July 13, 2011 at 11:43 am

And facial expressions. Luckily, manatees do not carry protest signs, and very few manatees, I believe, are racist paranoid schizophrenics.

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Manatees do not operate Hoverrounds.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 13, 2011 at 11:28 am

"Mattos said she enjoys showing off the manatees to her grandchildren, but she had little use for the Save the Manatee Club, explaining, "If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now." "

Can't argue with that kind of logic.

MLHencken July 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

Nor should you, since it would be analogous to arguing with a manatee.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

I hope she gets eaten by a velociraptor.

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I'm pretty sure it would take a bigger critter to get her down. T-Rex, perhaps?

Nothingisamiss July 13, 2011 at 11:44 am

W…..T……F…..!

CapeClod July 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

Back in the days of the dinosaurs, these people were totally in the pocket of Big Meteor.

MLHencken July 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

Don't forget the endorsement from the man in the sky.

Grief_Lessons July 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

It was the fact that brave Christians of the dinosaur era correctly applied the teachings of the Bible that saved us from one-world tyrant-lizard based government.

Steverino247 July 13, 2011 at 1:24 pm

No, but you can slap the shit out of anyone who expresses it.

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Pfft, we are living in Jurassic Park today, with Kochasaurs, TriSarahtops horridus, pterrorsaurs, and Tea wrecks.

donner_froh July 13, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I would like to give you an upfist for each of your Republican dinosaurs.

FNMA July 13, 2011 at 11:28 am

For those keeping score at home, Florida's making a strong comeback, but Arizona and Texas are still in the lead.

GunToting[Redacted] July 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

The uberfuhrer of Quartzite, AZ would like a word with you.

CapeClod July 13, 2011 at 12:13 pm

And Alabama is looking to make a strong push on the outside.

Weenus299 July 13, 2011 at 11:28 am

“designed to make humans into livestock.”

Nobody in the Tee Partee ever witnessed a NASCAR race, or the clientelle at Wal-Mart, Best Buy, or any big box retailer, I guess. We're pretty much human cows.

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!!!

Boredw/Gravitas July 13, 2011 at 11:54 am

Why do I think that ole' Edna Mattos resembles a human cow?

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm

"Nobody in the Tee Partee ever witnessed a NASCAR race, or the clientelle at Wal-Mart, Best Buy, or any big box retailer, I guess."

In those circumstances, we can see the forest, but the TPers can't because they're the trees.

Maman July 13, 2011 at 11:28 am

You didn't know that Soylent Green was created in Florida, did you?

Sue4466 July 13, 2011 at 11:33 am

can only hope.

JustPixelz July 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

The Florida recipe is mostly ass-lard, plus scooter parts.

Steverino247 July 13, 2011 at 1:26 pm

You've got to tell them! Soylent Green is Teatards! Teatards…

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:29 am

“That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”

I don't recall the Man vs. Nature Clause in the Bill of Rights. Guess I'd better read it again, for comprehension this time.

Chillwaver July 13, 2011 at 11:41 am

Man vs. Nature? You mean that awful show on the Discovery Channel about a guy named "Bear" who purposely gets lost in the desert and survives by eating camel shit?

riverside68 July 13, 2011 at 11:41 am

It's in the part about pursuing happiness with a warm gun against anything that moves. The west didn't win itself don't ya know?

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Exactly. We won't get fooled, again.

JustPixelz July 13, 2011 at 12:21 pm

The Bible says man has dominion over the animals or something like that.

If these folks really believe the government has no legitimate role in preventing animal cruelty (including death by destruction of habitat), they won't object to puppy fighting for profit.

Slim_Pickins July 13, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Its the "Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness" right.

genxr July 13, 2011 at 1:12 pm

When teabagger candidates sign a pledge, they don't mean the preamble.

edgydrifter July 13, 2011 at 11:29 am

"I sentence you to death for, uh… floating around and stuff."

Mike Judge must have found his inspiration for Beavis and Butthead deep in the rotten heart of Florida.

BlueStateLibel July 13, 2011 at 11:29 am

So the Bill of Rights puts man over nature? Edna Mattos gets the big prize for Making Shit Up As You Go Along.

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 12:59 pm

She's going to have to elbow a lot of people off the stage.

nounverb911 July 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

Needs more hurricanes.

weejee July 13, 2011 at 11:32 am
SayItWithWookies July 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

It's against the Bible? Really? So when The LORD gave Adam dominion over all the land and the critters thereupon, he really meant for him to run over every goddamn living thing with a motorboat? Way to make the Bible look more idiotic and arbitrary than it already is, teabagger.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:33 am

Didn't they teach you in Sunday School about "Jesus in the Mojave," terrorizing the jackrabbits, roadrunners, and desert tortoises with his specially modified ATV?

Reagan Still Dead July 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

Give her some slack. It's not easy to bend scripture or even facts to suits ones' subjective world view. She wants some roadkill manatees and that's what Ron Paul says she can get!

Mumbletypeg July 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

If her Sovereign Lord had sent manna and quail during a famine she'd probably still curse it for raining on her sideshow and clouding up her view of her narrow, narrow world.

MLHencken July 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

And on the seventh day, the Lord said:

"here, Adam is a 26' Dodge Watercar, along with an offshore oil rig and a refinery. Go forth and make fuel, so that thy days may be filled with pleasure-boating."

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I was raised Catholic and we were taught that being given dominion over God's creation (remember, He looked and saw that it was good) was a responsibility, not a right, and that it meant we were responsible for protecting and taking care of said creation.

I'm pretty sure that is closer to what He is likely to have meant than go ahead and stomp and kill anything that you, personally, don't understand or see the need for.

SayItWithWookies July 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Oh, come on — I believe it says in the Gospel According to Grover that The LORD intended for creation to be so small that it could be drowned in a bathtub.

V572 der Plaatz July 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

Yep, never noticed it in there before, but Article 3(a) of the Bill of Rights reads as follows:

"Congreff shall make no law putting manateef above human beingf particularly if directed to do fo by United Nationf Agenda 21."

JustPixelz July 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

You have acquired the ability to see the invisible parts of the the Constitution. You are becoming a Tea Partier.

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 2:07 pm

"Hey, keep your invisible hands off my invisible parts of the Constitution."

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

“God put humans before nature” If, by "Humans" you mean commercial interests.

Nothingisamiss July 13, 2011 at 11:46 am

And Scalia will argue just that.

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

And does, every time he opens his disgusting piehole.

SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 12:09 pm

It's barely even that; like with the folks who want to zoom around on ATVs in state and national parks, they think natural areas should be sacrifice so they can get their rocks of zooming around in it.

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I live among them, Soros…. I live among them.

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Isn't that why they want to defund the EPA?

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Bingo!

Mumbletypeg July 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

God put humans before nature

But since Gawd put the 'man' in manatee then — duh — obvsly in this case Citrus Edna's argument = FAIL.

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 3:56 pm

But woe be to the womanatee – 'cording to the Bible, she gots to be subservient to the manatee.

BeWoot July 13, 2011 at 11:31 am

Glad to learn the Bill of Rights takes a position on "no wake" zones. I already knew the Founders were four square against manatees but did not realize they were strong for motorboating.

HistoriCat July 13, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Are you kidding? Jefferson was a well-known and quite proficient motorboater … wait – you're talking about boats. Uh, never mind.

Tundra Grifter July 13, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Motorboating? Who brought Meghan McCanns into this?

MissTaken July 13, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Oh we all know that Ben Franklin motorboated his way all around the colonies and Paris.

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I thought the Teatards were moar into mindless motormouthing than motorboating.

freakishlywrong July 13, 2011 at 11:31 am

Y'know, I spent the fourth at that wildlife refuge. That was my thought; "too many fucking boats!" There is a spring they've shut off from boat traffic and you have to snorkel or paddle in, it was stunning. No, I didn't swim with the manatees, though I did see some; I get the feeling they don't really want to swim with us, just sayin'..
Oh, and teatards? There's a ginormouns nuclear power plant on that river that could melt down and destroy everything soon, so, hang in there!

V572 der Plaatz July 13, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Manatees are such snobs: don't want to swim with creatures who dice them up with outboard motors.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:31 am

Yeah, but if those manatees get exposed to some kind of radiation or weird toxic chemicals, they could mutate into man-eaters and kill us ALL!!

Monsieur_Grumpe July 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

And yet, that would be preferable to listen to any more of this bible thumping Teabugger crap.

emmelemm July 13, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I look forward to our new manatee overlords.

(No really, I actually do.)

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Yes, I'm already feeling the nice.

donner_froh July 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

“That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”

While you can make the Bible–and probably every founding document of every religion–say anything you want, the Bill of Rights doesn't work that way. It is short, written in English just a few centuries ago and not screwed by by prophecies, commandments and damnation to hell.

The Tea Party is the politics of willed stupidity.

MLHencken July 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

Great. More idiotic Dominionist thinking, except now it is being latched on to by the teatards.

I hope an orca jumps up and bites one of you stupid fuckers in two.

Nothingisamiss July 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

Then we'll just have to kill all the whales, duh. (Shout out to Bryan Fischer.)

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Floriduh needs less Dominionist thinking, more orcanized religion.

ShaveTheWhales July 13, 2011 at 11:58 pm

I hope an orca jumps up and bites one all of you stupid fuckers in two.

/Fixed

bureaucrap July 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

“designed to make humans into livestock.”

Not such a bad idea. I'm sure the bodyfat of the florida teabaggers alone, if properly liposuctioned and refined, could power Jacksonville for a year.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

Tyler Durden approves of this sentiment!

ManchuCandidate July 13, 2011 at 11:33 am

This might back fire on the Teabaggers considering the similar shape between a Teabagger and a Manatee. Who can tell the difference?

ifthethunderdontgetya July 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

A manatee doesn't have its backside super-glued to a Hoveround®?
~

elviouslyqueer July 13, 2011 at 11:43 am

Manatees are generally skinnier.

ChurchofRealism July 13, 2011 at 11:46 am

One is a gelatinous mound of flesh and the other is a manatee.

Duly_Noted July 13, 2011 at 11:54 am

They had better stay home when the Manatee cull begins. Just sayin'.

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 3:28 pm

"This might back fire on the Teabaggers considering the similar shape between a Teabagger and a Manatee. Who can tell the difference?"

Aw, Manchu, how could you make those sweet manatees cry?

LabRodent July 13, 2011 at 11:33 am

You know Teabaggers have alot in common with manatees……

weejee July 13, 2011 at 11:34 am

Manly Teatards tried getting close, but found they were manateasers. This is anger over their rejection by the Conquistador's mermaids, nothing more.

elviouslyqueer July 13, 2011 at 11:34 am

“We cannot elevate nature above people,” explained Edna Mattos, 63, leader of the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots, in an interview. “That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”

Um, Edna. According to my Bible, God waited around until the last minute to create man, and even then it was pretty much an afterthought. Also, we all know how well the whole "Adam and Eve not fucking up Paradise" worked out, amirite?

bureaucrap July 13, 2011 at 11:34 am

“That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”

Gawd, these people are just using that for everything now… "The Bible and the Bill of Rights both say that Obama is a Socialist muslin and that all taxes are illegal!"

It's right there in Judges 20:14: "And Belshazzar begat Raman; and Raman begat Issachar; and Issachar begat Yeshuel, who went to Bethel with his kine…" It's metaphoric of course but it's all right there for anyone who knows…

comrad_darkness July 13, 2011 at 11:34 am

Wake me when the Tea Party doesn't take the same stance on a topic as a spoiled five year old.

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Somewhere there is a snot-spoiled five year old, hands on tiny hips, saying "I'm spoiled, I'm not a fat, fucking moron!

widestanceroman July 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

Let's put motorboats above those humans. That way, the People's transformation into hulking sea cows will be complete with scarred fatty backs.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

So this is the mentality that resulted in the biggest Medicare fraud artist in history being made Governor.

I was born in Fort Lauderdale, meself. But the family moved out while I was still a toddler, thank the FSM.
~

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:55 am

Isn't the problem in Florida all the people that live there that are from somewhere else originally?

BlueMonkeh July 13, 2011 at 1:59 pm

It's kind of turning into our little Australia, no?

freakishlywrong July 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

Oh, and it took every ounce of willpower, ( and wine), to not beat the drivers of cars with bumper stickers with "Patriot on Board" and "I want my country back" with my fins. And, yes, they were all ancient fossils…

SenileAgitation July 13, 2011 at 12:06 pm

You are strong! Patriot on board=crybaby on board. The more someone feels the need to proclaim his (or her, for the ladies!) patriotism, the more phony, pathetic and mentally suspect he (or she!) seems.

baconzgood July 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

Baconz doesn't trust those sea cows as far as I can throw them with thier "LOOK AT ME WITH SALT MARSH HABITAT AND PEOPLE THINKING I WAS A MERMAID AND MY BLUBBERY BODY THAT GETS IN THE WAY OF BACONZ'S JET SKI!!!". Fuckers.

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

Pull out the stencils.

Spray paint the lumbering beasts' sides with: MANATEES FOR DR. RON PAUL!

Watch as the Florida Tea Party demands that all boats be confiscated and declared illegal.

Poof! Problem solved.

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

Let's see…First Amendment…speech, religion, press, assembly…the manatees aren't trying to protest at a funeral, are they?

Second Amendment….guns… nope, that just gives the manatees a chance to shoot back…

Third Amendment…no, not unless manatees are being quartered in your home…

Fourth Amendment… search and seizure…are they trying to arrest a manatee?

Fifth Amendment, nothing about manatees incriminating themselves in there…

Sixth & Seventh Amendments….uh… no, the manatees ain't on trial…

Eight Amendment…. aha! Running over manatees with speedboat propellers is definitely cruel and unusual, though I'm pretty sure that's not what she was getting at…

Ninth Amendment–THIS has to be it–just because the Constitution enumerates rights, that doesn't mean that the people don't have the right to do whatever the fuck they want to in their paranoid delusions about the UN taking over. Toss in the Tenth Amendment so that the states have the power to be paranoid fucks, too.

WhatTheHeck July 13, 2011 at 11:42 am

Its not so much the Amendments the idiots are promoting, but more, the Commandments they found in a black book.

fuflans July 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

impose world government’s rules on every aspect of American lives

this should be an improvement really.

WhatTheHeck July 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

If god wanted the Manatees to survive, s/he would have given them Hoverounds.
So lets kill ’em all.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:45 am

Hoverounds. Or maybe limpet mines.

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

Edna Mattos, 63, leader of the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots.

What a fruit.

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Definitely acidic.

comrad_darkness July 13, 2011 at 6:41 pm

You are happily reminding me that these idiots will indeed die off. Unfortunately, not soon enough to save the country from their Dunning Kruger Masterpiece of Destruction.

Serolf_Divad July 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

“That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”

Gosh, Edna. You say that like those are two different things. What are you, a communist?

I've said before and I'll say it again: the GOP reaching out to the Tea Party crazies to reconstitute in the wake of the 2008 elections is as if the Democrats had reached out to Lyndon La-rouche and his crazies in the wake of Al Gore's "loss" to Dubya in 2000.

Selfish_T July 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

"If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now."

This is a pretty airtight argument.

YasserArraFeck July 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

You do realize that the only reason that we're not overrun with Tyrannosaurs and Stegosaurs is that Fred Flintstone was able to run those fuckers over with his foot-powered log-mobile? Imagine if some goddam' primordial UN had restricted Fred to, say, 5 mph. Dinosaurs everywhere!

SayItWithWookies July 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

Take care of the environment?! Do you even want to imagine what the world would look like if everybody got that harebrained idea into their head?!

SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Besides which, wouldn't having dinosaurs around be totally awesome? Just imagine if you could ride around on a Triceratops.

SayItWithWookies July 13, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Pamplona would be a bloodbath — not that I wouldn't watch the footage.

MissTaken July 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Little Baby Jesus had a pet Triceratops named Pookie that he rode around on. He asked for a pony, but Joseph, being the dick step-father he was, said no.

This is why Jesus said people are above nature when he wrote the Bill of Rights.

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 4:09 pm

But when Baby Jesus got older, Joseph softened up and bought him a Biceratops with training wheels.

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 1:10 pm

""If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now."
–This is a pretty airtight argument."

Well, airtight in the sense that a person would have to be somewhat oxygen-deprived to make it.

fuflans July 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

are the baggers the last horrific gasp of the baby boomers? in some weird old fat wingnut way?

they certainly have the 'my way / my generation' crap down pat.

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I'm smack in the middle of the boomer demographic (mid-50s birth and age; Wonder Years) and I find them to be absolutely horrifying.

Reagan Still Dead July 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

The fossil fuel lobby was influential even in those days. See: What was a whale again?

JoshuaNorton July 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

Humans into livestock!

And not very good livestock, at that. Unless there suddenly becomes an open market for 400 lb Hoveround-bound lumps of wingnut suet.

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 1:17 pm

"… 400 lb Hoveround-bound lumps of wingnut suet."

Thanks for the idea! I would be happy to cut you in on the profits from the sure fire millions to be made taking over the wire-square-suet-bird-feeder-thingys market!

BlueMonkeh July 13, 2011 at 2:03 pm

and didn't whale blubber used to be burned in lamps 'n such for light?

could Willie Nelson fuel his bus with teatard blubber?

finallyhappy July 13, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Some health club got in trouble for saying that when the aliens come, they will eat the "fat ones" first.

orygoon July 13, 2011 at 11:39 am

It seems a no-brainer that it's more likely that God created manatees than that God created motorboats.

But what I wonder is why God afflicted us with so many of these no-brainees.

Sue4466 July 13, 2011 at 11:39 am

Really some people are willing to sacrifice every other living being and the entire planet for their own interests, even when those interests are just some entertainment bullshit.

And for the record, human beings can't be put *above* nature because we're part of nature. What with being animals and all. Fuck.

simplyblue7 July 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

Let us not be victims of the manatee agenda. You know…eating sea grass, moving slowly and what not.

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

I, for one, have just about had it with these Manateebaggers.

x111e7thst July 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

Is the UN trying to create Human/Manatee hybrids? The possibility cannot be discounted.

neiltheblaze July 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

That would explain Chris Christie.

AJWjr. July 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Oh the humanatee!

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 12:06 pm

And where did the Hindenburg crash? Lakehurst, NJ. I rest my case.

(What's the difference between the Hindenburg and Rush Limbaugh ?

One's a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other's a Zeppelin)

SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Homo Teabagus.

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 11:41 am

“We cannot elevate nature above people,”

How about we empirically test this. We hoist up a nice 1300 lb. manatee, say, over Edna's head. Then we let go. If Edna gets turned into a bitter hate-pancake, then she's right!

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 11:56 am

You bastard. That's a waste of a perfectly good manatee.

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Not to worry. I'm betting Edna will nicely cushion the helpful manatee for the necessary instant before she's flattened.

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 2:39 pm

What, you got issues with Manikaze's all of a sudden? Go watch the History Channel or KillTV or somesuch.

Lucidamente1 July 13, 2011 at 11:42 am

And I thought nothing could top Conan O'Brien's hornymanatee.com.

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 11:43 am

I'm going to reserve judgment on this until Sunday Mark Trail weighs in.

DerrickWildcat July 13, 2011 at 11:43 am

The Tea Party has joined forces with the Lightbulb! http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/exclusive/battle-bulb

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 1:57 pm

This one just boggles the mind. How fucking stupid to you need to be, to be against replacing your light bulbs for something that is more efficient, lasts longer, and lowers your electricity bill?
And they wonder why America doesn't take them seriously?

user-of-owls July 13, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I had a disturbing dream about this last night in which the two types of bulbs became animate. On the inside was the new bulb, all twisted and poisonous (mercury, right?).

And on the outside, the traditional bulb looked like this

flamingpdog July 14, 2011 at 1:11 am

Jimmy Carter's lost some of his baby fat.

neiltheblaze July 13, 2011 at 11:44 am

Our friend Edna's comments prove that some humans are already livestock.

BTWBFDIMHO July 13, 2011 at 11:45 am

It's the Tea Party against the Manatee Party!

Allmighty_Manos July 13, 2011 at 11:45 am

I'd rather fight the manatees over there than fight them over here. The Book of Genesis made it clear that nature is a zero-sum game. The less animals roaming around means more for me.

starfanglednut July 13, 2011 at 11:46 am

Manatees = Satan (Queer)

Nostrildamus July 13, 2011 at 1:03 pm

NEEDZ MOAR ALL CAPS

Selfish_T July 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

I wonder if Ms. Mattos realizes that the bald eagle featured on her twitter page (@anti_socialism) was for many years a federally protected species.

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 1:58 pm

And still is.

Selfish_T July 13, 2011 at 2:18 pm

If that's the case, I'll take the blame for getting my info from wikipedia, which says they were removed from the threatened list in 2007. I will also plead ignorance about the workings of federal protection designations.

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Based on recent Wikipedia escapades, I'd say that somewhere, sometime, it was shown that the bald eagle was in fact still endangered, after someone insisted it wasn't, and well, we know what happens next.

Change Wikipedia, change history! Ta-da!

CapeClod July 13, 2011 at 11:55 am

When the robot apocolypse finally arrives, I'm joining the side with the shiny skins.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 11:56 am

I think this woman may be a Carl Hiaasen character come to life.

freakishlywrong July 13, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I was thinking that as well. These people have to be an elaborate librul parody, they really cannot be that awful and hateful, (can they)?

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I've heard of him, but not read any of his books. Are they good (terribly subjective question, I know…)?

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Yep. Well, I liked 'em.

SorosBot July 13, 2011 at 11:56 am

Where the fuck in the Bill of Rights does it say we can't put nature above humans, crazy Edna? And seriously, Edna, did you pick that as a parody of ridiculous outdated names old people have?

And as for whether forbidden by the Bible, that doesn't matter, because the Bible is just a stupid old book that only an idiot would use as a basis for policy decisions, in fact the Bill of Rights that you just mentions expressly forbids it.

MLHencken July 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

This proves that manatees are morally weak.

Terry July 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

You know all that tourism to the Refuge? Those people are going there to see stuff like the manatees. Just sayin', Citrus County.

Eve8Apples July 13, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Damn right. No one goes to Florida to see teatards.

KeepFnThatChicken July 13, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Why, with Christians, do they always throw stuff up that cannot be empirically proven?

More to the point, why the hell should we care about the empirically unproven?

What's worse: isn't it just as impossible to prove that our rights are inalienable…?

Goddamn abstract ideas.

BklynIlluminati July 13, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Old meme but it needs to happen
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/florida.gif

BlueMonkeh July 13, 2011 at 2:07 pm

WIN+++++++

sati_demise July 13, 2011 at 12:02 pm

God may have put humans before nature, but he is silent on motor boats.

Duly_Noted July 13, 2011 at 12:02 pm

"Against the Bible and the Bill of Rights," as if she has read either.

Comments by Tea Partiers are merely canned idiocy being spewed by an organic life form (And I use that definition liberally) rather than an answering machine. There's no thought behind them or even understanding of what they are saying. It's a code that really means "I don't like this."

YasserArraFeck July 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Teabagger Darwinism – Survival of the Fattest

Limeylizzie July 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Citrus County makes everything puckered up.

AJWjr. July 13, 2011 at 12:07 pm

At the risk of a shitstorm of downfisting, why does Floriduh hate Queen Latifah?

BlueMonkeh July 13, 2011 at 2:09 pm

lol…that is some funny stuff

AJWjr. July 13, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Yeah–I was a member there until God decided to semi retire from blogging.

Eve8Apples July 13, 2011 at 12:07 pm

“We cannot elevate nature above people,…That’s against the Bible…"

Didn't God tell Noah to save all the animals, including the manatees, because he was going to murder all the humans? In the Bible, manatees get to ride in boats, not get killed by them.

AJWjr. July 13, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Two of them, anyway!

comrad_darkness July 13, 2011 at 6:43 pm

That bible story (like all of them) means only what they want it to mean.

Guppy06 July 13, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Some people think of Florida as "South Alabama." I'm thinking "East Arizona" may be more fitting.

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Obviously, the Citrus Tea has never heard of ecotourism.

Tell 'em there's money to be made from the manatee, & they'll come around. Or, at least, their puppetmasters will.

[humming]

"A three hour Koch tour…"

philpjfry July 13, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Is there some IQ test one has to fail before joining the TEA party?

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Odd. Now I have this song stuck in my head.

Slim_Pickins July 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I have a neighbor that rails about the GD manatees, and we're in Wisconsin!

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Not as ironic as the no goverment regulation types railing against zebra mussels & other invasive species (Asian carp).

Poindexter718 July 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Holy feck, the idea of setting aside parcels of land to preserve wildlife originated in the UN?
And all these years I thought Republican Prexy T. Roosevelt popularized the idea.

proudgrampa July 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

If loving manatees is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Nostrildamus July 13, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Please post URL.

proudgrampa July 13, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Sorry, I don't have a URL.

BlueMonkeh July 13, 2011 at 2:10 pm

pictures or GTFO

: )

SheriffRoscoe July 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

We cannot elevate nature above people….

Teabaggers. Give 'em a brain and they start thinkin' they're competing with nature.

Redhead July 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Isn't wanting to kill cute little harmless animals for shits and giggles a sign of sociopathy? I'm guessing these guys wet the bed too…

ChessieNefercat July 13, 2011 at 1:32 pm

And for God's sake, keep matches away from them. That's the trifecta, I believe.

Barrelhse July 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Come on, Ice caps. Melt, baby melt!

Buckminster July 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

If I nail a boater, can I keep it for a mount?

horsedreamer_1 July 13, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Only after the abortion.

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 1:19 pm

“We believe that (federal regulators’) aim is to control the fish and wildlife, in addition to the use of the land that surrounds this area, and the people that live here and visit."

She obviously does not grasp the concept of "regulators".

poncho_pilot July 13, 2011 at 1:22 pm

stupid human tricks.

mavenmaven July 13, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Next thing you know, you libunatics will allow evolved apes to rule the world!

DashboardBuddha July 13, 2011 at 1:33 pm

"If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now."

If this were true than the dinos would have died of heart trouble from eating these folks for lunch.

Edit: I just made myself laugh by thinking of a dinosaur version of Supersize Me!

flamingpdog July 13, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Dammit, peoples, if we allow manatees to have equal rights with Teabaggers, they will be demanding free Medicare-provided Hoveroundcraft to get around the Everglades in.

Wilcoxyz July 13, 2011 at 1:43 pm

After the nice whale saved Jonah, this is the thanks large water-dwelling mammals get. That's cold. God's a dick.

AJWjr. July 13, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Nonononono, if you ask ANY bible-thumper, it was a fish. A giant fucking fish. Likely way too big to fit on Noah's ark, but why would you want to do that, when all the fish that wanted to could just swim around until the flood waters subsided, and then they would either dry up and die off or develop lungs and legs and feet and arms and…where was I going with this, anyway…

Selfish_T July 13, 2011 at 1:52 pm

All joking and ridicule aside, the best response to this nuttery would be to donate a few bucks at http://savethemanatee.org/.

crybabyboehner July 13, 2011 at 1:55 pm

The manatees have come for our hoverounds!

eastcoastelite July 13, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Gonna make it a lot easier to get two of every animal on the next ark if they're mostly extinct

GOPCrusher July 13, 2011 at 2:03 pm

The Tea Baggers got took it serious when Sarah Palin uttered the famous line in her much beloved reality show, Sarah Palin's Alaska, "Our family believes there is room for all of God's creatures, right next to the mashed potatoes."

SilverTsunami July 13, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Manatees are not better than TPers–they're just better citizens than the TPers are.

sportshort July 13, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Says right chere in duh Bibble: "And lo God put a motorboat on the water and it was good. Veruly did a big ass mammatee get in its way and God said, fuk it, run over the damn thing. They tastes good, too. Like chicken. Deep fry 'em for a real treat. Amen."

MissTaken July 13, 2011 at 3:56 pm

“designed to make humans into livestock.”

This sounds an awful lot like EVOLUTION to me. And we all know that theory was debunked years ago.

finallyhappy July 13, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Humans share 60% of our DNA with banana trees and 75% with chickens. This is not a snark or a joke.

MrDorkbutt July 13, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Which amendment in the Bill of Rights covers that? I assume he figures that is the gist of the 2nd Amendment.

GregComlish July 13, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Fucking idiots. The reason people like places like places likes coasts and mountains and wildlife refuges is because of the perceived value of the natural world. The Manatees are part of that value. They are the wildlife for which the refuge was created. Motorboats are merely a vehicle in which people can experience whatever beauty is left. If all you care about is your shitty motorboat, then maybe you could visit any of the 99.9% of American waterways that are not within wildlife refuges.

carlgt1 July 13, 2011 at 5:56 pm

It's like putting carnival sideshow freaks in charge. actually that's not fair – freaks have far more compassion and intelligence than teabaggers, so I apologize to freaks everywhere!

Warpde July 13, 2011 at 8:27 pm

“We cannot elevate nature above people,” explained Edna Mattos, 63, leader of the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots, in an interview. “That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”

Hey Edna.
Do us all a flavor and go to Jebus.
He wants to have a little word with you about humanity.

C_R_Eature July 13, 2011 at 9:59 pm

In actuality, the Tea Party was designed to make Livestock into a voting bloc.

nightshift21 July 13, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Fuckin' lazy manatees. They are not job creators and should be culled from the herd.

MilwaukeeKent July 14, 2011 at 12:45 am

We'll make great pets.

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