CRAZY BATSHIT NONSENSE  8:01 pm July 12, 2011

Michele Bachmann Reveals Strange Disability to Bill O’Reilly

by Blair Burke

Iowan princess Michele Bachmann will not rest until she has run out of insane speech explosions to perform in front of a camera. Here she is, possibly wearing glitter eye makeup, getting mildly yelled at by Bill O’Reilly, because even he can’t stand her. You probably want to watch as little of this as possible, so you should just tune in around 1:33 or so to hear Michele Bachmann beg fans of The O’Reilly Factor to go to her website to learn about her “titanium spine” disability. Michele Bachmann is about to secure the robot-human crossbreed vote.

[ThinkProgress]

 
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{ 118 comments }

DrunkIrishman July 12, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Makes sense. Titanium poisoning has been known to cause diarrhea of the mouth.

Barb July 12, 2011 at 8:09 pm

And her second favorite metal is lithium.

James Michael Curley July 12, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Swallows a cell phone battery. No more bipolar disorder.

finallyhappy July 12, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Hey, wasn't that what Wolverine had???

vodkamuppet July 12, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Adamantium, actually. I would love to see Bachmann get an adamantium spine put in.

Angry_Marmot July 13, 2011 at 3:50 am

It's next to unobtainium, vibranium and cavorite on the periodic table.

poncho_pilot July 13, 2011 at 4:34 pm

don't forget atmospherium.

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Would it keep her from running away crying from little old lady nuns?

Limeylizzie July 12, 2011 at 8:14 pm

I cannot watch that woman, even if she said "My husband is a big nelly fag".

V572 der Plaatz July 12, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Just watching Marcus on O'Donnell. He cries out for help in praying away teh ghey.

Limeylizzie July 12, 2011 at 8:50 pm

He is so gay and I am an actress so, believe you me, I know the gheys when I see 'em.

V572 der Plaatz July 12, 2011 at 9:32 pm

It wouldn't matter in the slightest that he's gay if he weren't a virulent homophobe and patent hypocrite. Hate yourself — it's your unalienable right, and Yah-Weh knows I certainly do — but why screw around with the psyches of others to quiet your own inner voices?

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Let me tell ya, honey, you don't need to be an actress to see the ghey stickin' out all over Marcus. Liberace's mother, who would probably never admit her son was gay, would probably testify for Marcus when that happy day comes.

smokefilledroommate July 12, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Michele Bachmann, fag hag. Who'd a thunk it?

Nothingisamiss July 12, 2011 at 8:48 pm

C'mon, Lizzie, we all know we'd watch that!

Chet Kincaid July 13, 2011 at 12:14 am

You just made me laugh out loud.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 12, 2011 at 8:20 pm

You probably want to watch as little of this as possible…

OK, none! I'm just gonna make something up about what I think I would have watched.
~

nounverb911 July 12, 2011 at 8:21 pm

And Marcus' spine is made of limp noodles.

KenLayIsAlive July 12, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Oh, I'm sure he's plenty back boned.

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 6:15 pm

That's not his *spine,* honey.

gullywompr July 12, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Titanium spine? Sheesh, she's barely a chordate.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 12, 2011 at 8:24 pm

'Newly Famous Reptiloid Queen Appears With Stupid Old FAUX Nooze Shouty Falafel Man O'Reilly.'
~

nounverb911 July 12, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Did Miche1le loofah O'Reilly?

edgydrifter July 12, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I think she's confusing titanium with mercury, which would explain a lot.

smokefilledroommate July 12, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Too bad she has a swiss-cheese brain.

Come here a minute July 12, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Unfortunately, her titaniumism only makes her more vulnerable to bathroom lesbians!

tcaalaw July 13, 2011 at 8:04 am

I thought those were found only in Oklahoma?

mavenmaven July 12, 2011 at 8:30 pm

She would like to make complex economic decisions based on what she's "hearing" from "ordinary Americans" in Iowa, South Carolina, etc. She may have to sell that titanium spine for scrap metal in a little while…

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 5:40 am

I've heard of people getting radio stations in their braces or dentures. Maybe she's picking up radio waves via her titanium spine? (Does it include a plate in her head?)

MinAgain July 12, 2011 at 8:30 pm

And here I thought it was just a huge stick up her ass. My bad.

user-of-owls July 12, 2011 at 8:40 pm

A huge Slim Jim Giant Stick up her ass!

Your bad indeed!

MissTaken July 12, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Well, duh. Everyone knows one of the symptoms of Titanium Spine is staring wild-eyed into the camera and spouting off illogical nonsense like "my husband is straight and actually has sex with me". Nonsense I tell ya!

user-of-owls July 12, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Into the camera? Clearly you are a recent convert to Bachmann-watching.

MLHencken July 13, 2011 at 6:18 am

More things I don't want to think about. Thanks a bunch!

assistantatlas July 12, 2011 at 8:40 pm

She also apparently has an "unable-to-age-naturally" disability. I'm no doctor, but I think it might be caused by her extensive plastic surgery.

user-of-owls July 12, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Plastic? Or God's Play-Doh!

Callyson July 13, 2011 at 1:09 am

As much as I despise her and her politics, I want the name of her plastic surgeon. For future use, of course…

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 5:40 am

Extensive brain surgery?

MLHencken July 13, 2011 at 6:20 am

Yes, they clearly installed cheek and lip implants, whilst removing the brain.

HistoriCat July 13, 2011 at 9:18 am

What's your problem? God told her to get the plastic surgery. It's not like she wanted to go to a plastic surgeon.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 9:28 am

I thought it was her husband that told her what to do. "Go to law school. Be a tax lawyer. Go get that turkey neck fixed."

Biel_ze_Bubba July 13, 2011 at 2:48 pm

"…it might be caused by her extensive plastic surgery."
Well, doh! When you're made of plastic, who else are you going to call?

I'm fairly certain that if she was involved in a fiery tanker-truck crash, she'd come walking out of it sporting a mirror finish (and a really bad attitude.)

user-of-owls July 12, 2011 at 8:42 pm

If her grip on reality was only one-billionth of that strength, well…

…well, she'd lose Iowa, that's for sure.

pukebot July 12, 2011 at 8:42 pm

she probably has a titanium vibrator because that snatch hasn't seen anything but soft meat for decades.

MissusBarry July 12, 2011 at 9:26 pm

Living up to your name, tonight. Thanks for that mental image.

C_R_Eature July 12, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Tonight, We are All Pukebo…BLLUUUURRRGH!!!!

Callyson July 13, 2011 at 1:13 am

Men masturbate. Women pleasure themselves. Miss Bachmann glows.

tcaalaw July 13, 2011 at 8:06 am

Or at least sparkles around her eye area.

user-of-owls July 12, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Bachmann Titanium is this generation's Cubic Zirconia.

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 5:41 am

If she's Titania, is he Bottom?

MissTaken July 12, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Bachmann Titanium Overdrive

hagajim July 13, 2011 at 10:29 am

You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet…Baby, you just ain't seen nothin' yet.

Radiotherapy® July 12, 2011 at 8:49 pm

She's the Six Million Dollar Stupid Ass Bitch.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 12, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Where were these fucktards when G.W. Bush was doubling the national debt with tax cuts for rich people, wars for rich people, and deregulation/boom/bust/bailouts for rich people?

Oh, right. Sucking Chimpy Face with those titanium lips.
~

MissTaken July 12, 2011 at 8:54 pm

That's because Michele One L My Bell only lets her titanium lips suck upon the whitest of chimpy faces.

Chet Kincaid July 13, 2011 at 12:18 am

"YOU WILL NOT DENY ME YOUR ESSENCE!!!"

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 6:20 pm

When people like us were marching, protesting, blogging, screaming in the streets "This whole tower of shit is about to collapse," and getting our butts arrested, harassed, fined, and pranged by these selfsame righteous-assed fucking morons.

Pardon my bile.

Radiotherapy® July 12, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Well, thanks to Obamacare, and it's destructive consequences, we'll all have to wait in line to get a titanium spine.

fuflans July 12, 2011 at 8:59 pm

I don't know whether to be delighted w/ the constant stream of republican crazy or simply terrified.

can you imagine if dems fielded anything like this?

C_R_Eature July 12, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Thing is, they would never. Ever. Remotely approach this level of Crazy. Those kinds of Leftists either died out long ago or are in South America. There's just no room for them at all in American politics.

There's an old joke that goes:
"All I know about Politics are two things:
One – the Democrats are the Bad Guys
Two – the Republicans are the Crazy Guys."

That's never been more true than today.

vodkamuppet July 12, 2011 at 10:15 pm

I'm leaning more towards terrified at this point. The deems are so inept that it's almost a foregone conclusion that the senate majority is toast in this cycle and the Whitehouse in 2016 because as always, Americans will forget how fucking crazy the GOP is. Or even worse, embrace it.

MinAgain July 12, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Breaking news: It's not a spine. It's an antenna for receiving messages from the mothership.

Not_So_Much July 12, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Did she ask the whereabouts of John Conner?

Ohforcripessake July 12, 2011 at 9:07 pm

She needs a hearing aid. Two thirds of the american people aren't saying "we can't keep raising the debt ceiling". They saying "WE CAN'T KEEP PAYING FOR PERPETUAL WAR!"

Texan_Bulldog July 12, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Just wait until the olds don't get their Social Security checks or any of the soldiers/veterans don't get what's due to them. I have a feeling stupid Michelle and all the Rs so against raising the debt ceiling will be backtracking quicker than a fat kid on a diet going into a candy store.

Monsieur_Grumpe July 12, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Remember when she yelled "You be da man!" at Michael Steele? She was a lot more fun back then. Now it's just getting sad and annoying.

emmelemm July 12, 2011 at 9:15 pm

LOL Whut?

Seriously, she did that?

AJWjr. July 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm
flamingpdog July 12, 2011 at 11:46 pm

The Bitch of Titanium vs. the Man of Steele!
Cage match tonite at the Mercury Theater!

Redhead July 12, 2011 at 9:22 pm

I think by "titanium spine" she means "large air pocket between my ears."

pinkocommi July 12, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Fair is fair. Michelle Bachmann will not vote to raise the debt ceiling under any circumstances. And I will not vote for Michelle Bachmann under any circumstances.

MissusBarry July 12, 2011 at 9:30 pm

A scrap-metal brain transplant might help. I hear copper is valuable…it'd be far more capable of rational thought and takes on that lovely patina.

Texan_Bulldog July 12, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Wow, watching Bill O. openly laugh at her was worth those 10 seconds of my life I'll never get back.

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Somebody just ask her what it IS – WHAT is the debt ceiling, Michele? I want to hear her explanation of what exactly she thinks it is and what we do instead – she just keeps repeating the term and you KNOW she has NO IDEA.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

"Debt ceiling? In what sense, Bill?"

orygoon July 12, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Today we are all Bill O'Reilly!

Wait..whaaat???

Angry_Marmot July 13, 2011 at 3:58 am

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

SpurningBeer July 12, 2011 at 10:09 pm

On the Republican periodic table, titanium (used to make spines) is right next to bolognium (used to make policy and speeches).

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Even Bill-O's normally Titanium Penis goes flaccid in the presence of the Bachmannater.

DashboardBuddha July 12, 2011 at 11:21 pm

ugh…Bill has a titanium dick. I will have nightmares tonight.

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 11:27 pm

In his own mind, Grasshopper, in his own mind….

zhubajie July 13, 2011 at 5:56 am

Maybe one of those inflatable, detachable, ones, maybe with a leak….

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 10:11 am

..and a Loofah attachment.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 13, 2011 at 2:55 pm

I read that as "Bachmaneater". Twice.

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 3:36 pm

I could eat a Bowling Ball if I had to, but I couldn't eat her.

ManchuCandidate July 12, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Fembot. Japan apologizes for Crazy Eyed sexbot runamok.

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Malaysia and Indonesia both apologize for allowing the word "amok" to enter a dictionary where it could be abused by the likes of Ol' KrazyEyes.

ThundercatHo July 12, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Well let's put that titanium spine theory to the test. Next thunderstorm, string that bitch up in a parasail and let's see what happens.

DashboardBuddha July 12, 2011 at 11:22 pm

titanium spine supports a porridge brain. Design fail.

flamingpdog July 12, 2011 at 11:36 pm

She's just confusing 2/3 of the American people with 2/3 of the voices in her head.

sezme July 12, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Dead giveaway she's a Cylon. Throw her in the brig.

Gomez571 July 13, 2011 at 12:51 am

Borg Queen. Titanium spine and listening to the voices in her head.

tcaalaw July 13, 2011 at 8:07 am

The only proper solution to Toasters is to airlock them.

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 11:19 am

I was thinking she might be a toaster, but no way–sure, the skinjobs are conniving, evil, brutal, and ruthless, but they're also smart.

Oh, and they have a plan. Michele doesn't haven have a clue.

DerrickWildcat July 13, 2011 at 12:01 am

Yeah right.
That is soooo Unlikely.

PuckStopsHere July 13, 2011 at 12:41 am

Holy fuck, that Bill O'Really is aging nicely, wouldn't you say? Christ, he looks like he hazarded a glance inside the Arc of the Covenant."

Gomez571 July 13, 2011 at 12:48 am

To paraphrase, "I think of a Republican and remove all reason and accountability."

SarahsBush July 13, 2011 at 12:58 am

I suddenly feel like have the ability to break titanium. Like…I reeeaaally want to beat the shit out of some titanium right now.

Negropolis July 13, 2011 at 1:00 am

I don't know. Her congenital idiocy doesn't strike me as strange, at all.

I have mixed feelings. I'm glad someone calling Michele Bachmann on her bullshit, but I'm pissed that it's someone as smug and woman-hating as Bill O'Reilly.

HistoriCat July 13, 2011 at 9:23 am

Just as only Nixon could go to China, only someone as right wing as O'Reilly could call out Bachmann.

Callyson July 13, 2011 at 1:12 am

Only Michele Bachmann has the power to make Billo look reasonable. Almost reasonable at least.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 13, 2011 at 1:13 am

Wonkbot went sentient and we saw what happen. Imagine what it will be like when that happens to Michele.

Negropolis July 13, 2011 at 1:16 am

So, what's Sarah's excuse, then?

PristineODummy July 13, 2011 at 6:26 pm

There is NO excuse for Sarah.

MLHencken July 13, 2011 at 6:31 am

"very disciplined in her responses" = "I have a boatload of crazy bullshit talking points cued up in my dingbat, fembot robo-brain and there is no way in hell I am actually going to answer you truthfully or sincerely."

tcaalaw July 13, 2011 at 8:16 am

Here she is, possibly wearing glitter eye makeup

I thought you were kidding, but holy crap! Greenwich Village ravers on New Year's Eve have more sedate eye makeup. It's like she painted her eyes with cesium chloride.

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 8:29 am

Man, we got a slow connection going this morning here. Bill-O is coming on like Max Headroom.

Of course she has a titanium spine. It's a requirement to support the lead alloy that resides in her skull.

HistoriCat July 13, 2011 at 9:24 am

"Bill-O is coming on like Max Headroom. "

Sounds like an improvement.

Doktor Zoom July 13, 2011 at 11:21 am

Is he gonna shill for New Coke?

BaldarTFlagass July 13, 2011 at 8:40 am

Also—doesn't this titanium spine give the TSA scanners a fit?

mrblifil July 13, 2011 at 8:47 am

And in the sock drawer, left of the spare keys and loose marbles you'll find Marcus' 14-inch titanium dong.

hagajim July 13, 2011 at 10:31 am

Yeah…but that's for his use, not hers.

jus_wonderin July 13, 2011 at 9:28 am

Corprolite!

BornInATrailer July 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

Ugh. Nuttier than squirrel turds smeared with peanut butter and then rolled in more nuts.

Steverino247 July 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

She’s not a bad looking woman. She’s a bad *thinking* woman, ‎though, and that’s seriously bad. ‎

Gopherit July 13, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Titanium spine, with a marshmallow self will. Tell me what to do, daddy.

Native_of_SL_UT July 13, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Titanium Spine/Huge Opening 2012

Lazy Media July 13, 2011 at 6:26 pm

So, she's saying she had surgery to cure scoliosis?

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