crazy batshit nonsense

Michele Bachmann Reveals Strange Disability to Bill O’Reilly

Iowan princess Michele Bachmann will not rest until she has run out of insane speech explosions to perform in front of a camera. Here she is, possibly wearing glitter eye makeup, getting mildly yelled at by Bill O’Reilly, because even he can’t stand her. You probably want to watch as little of this as possible, so you should just tune in around 1:33 or so to hear Michele Bachmann beg fans of The O’Reilly Factor to go to her website to learn about her “titanium spine” disability. Michele Bachmann is about to secure the robot-human crossbreed vote.

[ThinkProgress]

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  • DrunkIrishman

    Makes sense. Titanium poisoning has been known to cause diarrhea of the mouth.

  • Barb

    And her second favorite metal is lithium.

    • James Michael Curley

      Swallows a cell phone battery. No more bipolar disorder.

  • finallyhappy

    Hey, wasn't that what Wolverine had???

    • vodkamuppet

      Adamantium, actually. I would love to see Bachmann get an adamantium spine put in.

      • Angry_Marmot

        It's next to unobtainium, vibranium and cavorite on the periodic table.

        • poncho_pilot

          don't forget atmospherium.

      • PristineODummy

        Would it keep her from running away crying from little old lady nuns?

  • Limeylizzie

    I cannot watch that woman, even if she said "My husband is a big nelly fag".

    • V572 der Plaatz

      Just watching Marcus on O'Donnell. He cries out for help in praying away teh ghey.

      • Limeylizzie

        He is so gay and I am an actress so, believe you me, I know the gheys when I see 'em.

        • V572 der Plaatz

          It wouldn't matter in the slightest that he's gay if he weren't a virulent homophobe and patent hypocrite. Hate yourself — it's your unalienable right, and Yah-Weh knows I certainly do — but why screw around with the psyches of others to quiet your own inner voices?

        • PristineODummy

          Let me tell ya, honey, you don't need to be an actress to see the ghey stickin' out all over Marcus. Liberace's mother, who would probably never admit her son was gay, would probably testify for Marcus when that happy day comes.

    • http://t.co/83Yq8x9 smokefilledroommate

      Michele Bachmann, fag hag. Who'd a thunk it?

    • Nothingisamiss

      C'mon, Lizzie, we all know we'd watch that!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      You just made me laugh out loud.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    You probably want to watch as little of this as possible…

    OK, none! I'm just gonna make something up about what I think I would have watched.
    ~

  • nounverb911

    And Marcus' spine is made of limp noodles.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Oh, I'm sure he's plenty back boned.

    • PristineODummy

      That's not his *spine,* honey.

  • gullywompr

    Titanium spine? Sheesh, she's barely a chordate.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    'Newly Famous Reptiloid Queen Appears With Stupid Old FAUX Nooze Shouty Falafel Man O'Reilly.'
    ~

    • nounverb911

      Did Miche1le loofah O'Reilly?

  • edgydrifter

    I think she's confusing titanium with mercury, which would explain a lot.

  • http://t.co/83Yq8x9 smokefilledroommate

    Too bad she has a swiss-cheese brain.

  • Come here a minute

    Unfortunately, her titaniumism only makes her more vulnerable to bathroom lesbians!

    • tcaalaw

      I thought those were found only in Oklahoma?

  • mavenmaven

    She would like to make complex economic decisions based on what she's "hearing" from "ordinary Americans" in Iowa, South Carolina, etc. She may have to sell that titanium spine for scrap metal in a little while…

    • zhubajie

      I've heard of people getting radio stations in their braces or dentures. Maybe she's picking up radio waves via her titanium spine? (Does it include a plate in her head?)

  • MinAgain

    And here I thought it was just a huge stick up her ass. My bad.

    • user-of-owls

      A huge Slim Jim Giant Stick up her ass!

      Your bad indeed!

  • MissTaken

    Well, duh. Everyone knows one of the symptoms of Titanium Spine is staring wild-eyed into the camera and spouting off illogical nonsense like "my husband is straight and actually has sex with me". Nonsense I tell ya!

    • user-of-owls

      Into the camera? Clearly you are a recent convert to Bachmann-watching.

    • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

      More things I don't want to think about. Thanks a bunch!

  • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

    She also apparently has an "unable-to-age-naturally" disability. I'm no doctor, but I think it might be caused by her extensive plastic surgery.

    • user-of-owls

      Plastic? Or God's Play-Doh!

    • Callyson

      As much as I despise her and her politics, I want the name of her plastic surgeon. For future use, of course…

    • zhubajie

      Extensive brain surgery?

    • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

      Yes, they clearly installed cheek and lip implants, whilst removing the brain.

    • HistoriCat

      What's your problem? God told her to get the plastic surgery. It's not like she wanted to go to a plastic surgeon.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I thought it was her husband that told her what to do. "Go to law school. Be a tax lawyer. Go get that turkey neck fixed."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "…it might be caused by her extensive plastic surgery."
      Well, doh! When you're made of plastic, who else are you going to call?

      I'm fairly certain that if she was involved in a fiery tanker-truck crash, she'd come walking out of it sporting a mirror finish (and a really bad attitude.)

  • user-of-owls

    If her grip on reality was only one-billionth of that strength, well…

    …well, she'd lose Iowa, that's for sure.

  • pukebot

    she probably has a titanium vibrator because that snatch hasn't seen anything but soft meat for decades.

    • MissusBarry

      Living up to your name, tonight. Thanks for that mental image.

      • C_R_Eature

        Tonight, We are All Pukebo…BLLUUUURRRGH!!!!

    • Callyson

      Men masturbate. Women pleasure themselves. Miss Bachmann glows.

      • tcaalaw

        Or at least sparkles around her eye area.

  • user-of-owls

    Bachmann Titanium is this generation's Cubic Zirconia.

    • zhubajie

      If she's Titania, is he Bottom?

  • MissTaken

    Bachmann Titanium Overdrive

    • hagajim

      You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet…Baby, you just ain't seen nothin' yet.

  • Radiotherapy®

    She's the Six Million Dollar Stupid Ass Bitch.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Where were these fucktards when G.W. Bush was doubling the national debt with tax cuts for rich people, wars for rich people, and deregulation/boom/bust/bailouts for rich people?

    Oh, right. Sucking Chimpy Face with those titanium lips.
    ~

    • MissTaken

      That's because Michele One L My Bell only lets her titanium lips suck upon the whitest of chimpy faces.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "YOU WILL NOT DENY ME YOUR ESSENCE!!!"

    • PristineODummy

      When people like us were marching, protesting, blogging, screaming in the streets "This whole tower of shit is about to collapse," and getting our butts arrested, harassed, fined, and pranged by these selfsame righteous-assed fucking morons.

      Pardon my bile.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Well, thanks to Obamacare, and it's destructive consequences, we'll all have to wait in line to get a titanium spine.

  • fuflans

    I don't know whether to be delighted w/ the constant stream of republican crazy or simply terrified.

    can you imagine if dems fielded anything like this?

    • C_R_Eature

      Thing is, they would never. Ever. Remotely approach this level of Crazy. Those kinds of Leftists either died out long ago or are in South America. There's just no room for them at all in American politics.

      There's an old joke that goes:
      "All I know about Politics are two things:
      One – the Democrats are the Bad Guys
      Two – the Republicans are the Crazy Guys."

      That's never been more true than today.

    • vodkamuppet

      I'm leaning more towards terrified at this point. The deems are so inept that it's almost a foregone conclusion that the senate majority is toast in this cycle and the Whitehouse in 2016 because as always, Americans will forget how fucking crazy the GOP is. Or even worse, embrace it.

  • MinAgain

    Breaking news: It's not a spine. It's an antenna for receiving messages from the mothership.

  • Not_So_Much

    Did she ask the whereabouts of John Conner?

  • Ohforcripessake

    She needs a hearing aid. Two thirds of the american people aren't saying "we can't keep raising the debt ceiling". They saying "WE CAN'T KEEP PAYING FOR PERPETUAL WAR!"

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Just wait until the olds don't get their Social Security checks or any of the soldiers/veterans don't get what's due to them. I have a feeling stupid Michelle and all the Rs so against raising the debt ceiling will be backtracking quicker than a fat kid on a diet going into a candy store.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Remember when she yelled "You be da man!" at Michael Steele? She was a lot more fun back then. Now it's just getting sad and annoying.

    • emmelemm

      LOL Whut?

      Seriously, she did that?

    • flamingpdog

      The Bitch of Titanium vs. the Man of Steele!
      Cage match tonite at the Mercury Theater!

  • Redhead

    I think by "titanium spine" she means "large air pocket between my ears."

  • pinkocommi

    Fair is fair. Michelle Bachmann will not vote to raise the debt ceiling under any circumstances. And I will not vote for Michelle Bachmann under any circumstances.

  • MissusBarry

    A scrap-metal brain transplant might help. I hear copper is valuable…it'd be far more capable of rational thought and takes on that lovely patina.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Wow, watching Bill O. openly laugh at her was worth those 10 seconds of my life I'll never get back.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Somebody just ask her what it IS – WHAT is the debt ceiling, Michele? I want to hear her explanation of what exactly she thinks it is and what we do instead – she just keeps repeating the term and you KNOW she has NO IDEA.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Debt ceiling? In what sense, Bill?"

  • orygoon

    Today we are all Bill O'Reilly!

    Wait..whaaat???

    • Angry_Marmot

      Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

    On the Republican periodic table, titanium (used to make spines) is right next to bolognium (used to make policy and speeches).

  • ttommyunger

    Even Bill-O's normally Titanium Penis goes flaccid in the presence of the Bachmannater.

    • DashboardBuddha

      ugh…Bill has a titanium dick. I will have nightmares tonight.

      • ttommyunger

        In his own mind, Grasshopper, in his own mind….

    • zhubajie

      Maybe one of those inflatable, detachable, ones, maybe with a leak….

      • ttommyunger

        ..and a Loofah attachment.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I read that as "Bachmaneater". Twice.

      • ttommyunger

        I could eat a Bowling Ball if I had to, but I couldn't eat her.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Fembot. Japan apologizes for Crazy Eyed sexbot runamok.

    • PristineODummy

      Malaysia and Indonesia both apologize for allowing the word "amok" to enter a dictionary where it could be abused by the likes of Ol' KrazyEyes.

  • ThundercatHo

    Well let's put that titanium spine theory to the test. Next thunderstorm, string that bitch up in a parasail and let's see what happens.

  • DashboardBuddha

    titanium spine supports a porridge brain. Design fail.

  • flamingpdog

    She's just confusing 2/3 of the American people with 2/3 of the voices in her head.

  • sezme

    Dead giveaway she's a Cylon. Throw her in the brig.

    • Gomez571

      Borg Queen. Titanium spine and listening to the voices in her head.

    • tcaalaw

      The only proper solution to Toasters is to airlock them.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I was thinking she might be a toaster, but no way–sure, the skinjobs are conniving, evil, brutal, and ruthless, but they're also smart.

      Oh, and they have a plan. Michele doesn't haven have a clue.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Yeah right.
    That is soooo Unlikely.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Holy fuck, that Bill O'Really is aging nicely, wouldn't you say? Christ, he looks like he hazarded a glance inside the Arc of the Covenant."

  • Gomez571

    To paraphrase, "I think of a Republican and remove all reason and accountability."

  • SarahsBush

    I suddenly feel like have the ability to break titanium. Like…I reeeaaally want to beat the shit out of some titanium right now.

  • Negropolis

    I don't know. Her congenital idiocy doesn't strike me as strange, at all.

    I have mixed feelings. I'm glad someone calling Michele Bachmann on her bullshit, but I'm pissed that it's someone as smug and woman-hating as Bill O'Reilly.

    • HistoriCat

      Just as only Nixon could go to China, only someone as right wing as O'Reilly could call out Bachmann.

  • Callyson

    Only Michele Bachmann has the power to make Billo look reasonable. Almost reasonable at least.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wonkbot went sentient and we saw what happen. Imagine what it will be like when that happens to Michele.

  • Negropolis

    So, what's Sarah's excuse, then?

    • PristineODummy

      There is NO excuse for Sarah.

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    "very disciplined in her responses" = "I have a boatload of crazy bullshit talking points cued up in my dingbat, fembot robo-brain and there is no way in hell I am actually going to answer you truthfully or sincerely."

  • tcaalaw

    Here she is, possibly wearing glitter eye makeup

    I thought you were kidding, but holy crap! Greenwich Village ravers on New Year's Eve have more sedate eye makeup. It's like she painted her eyes with cesium chloride.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Man, we got a slow connection going this morning here. Bill-O is coming on like Max Headroom.

    Of course she has a titanium spine. It's a requirement to support the lead alloy that resides in her skull.

    • HistoriCat

      "Bill-O is coming on like Max Headroom. "

      Sounds like an improvement.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Is he gonna shill for New Coke?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Also—doesn't this titanium spine give the TSA scanners a fit?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    And in the sock drawer, left of the spare keys and loose marbles you'll find Marcus' 14-inch titanium dong.

    • hagajim

      Yeah…but that's for his use, not hers.

  • jus_wonderin

    Corprolite!

  • BornInATrailer

    Ugh. Nuttier than squirrel turds smeared with peanut butter and then rolled in more nuts.

  • Steverino247

    She’s not a bad looking woman. She’s a bad *thinking* woman, ‎though, and that’s seriously bad. ‎

  • Gopherit

    Titanium spine, with a marshmallow self will. Tell me what to do, daddy.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Titanium Spine/Huge Opening 2012

  • Lazy Media

    So, she's saying she had surgery to cure scoliosis?