facts are stupid things

Sarah Palin Was Also Wrong About That Slim Jim Thing

Seen here enjoying Todd's Monster SticksJust yesterday, we celebrated star actress of The Learning Channel, Sarah Palin, and her sweatshirt-glam cover on Newsweek magazine, where she bravely declared, “I can win,” even though she is not in any sort of snowshoe race or Scrabble match at the moment, not that she could possibly win either of those things. The most riveting piece of this important cover story was, of course, the part where Sarah Palin got all nostalgic for the imaginary time in her head when a lady could hop off her Tour Bus to Nowhere, wander into the mini-mart with a single dollar bill, and leave with a Slim Jim in hand. Apparently this happened to Sarah Palin, “just recently,” before beef jerky prices skyrocketed 169 percent. More than likely, though, Todd Palin just has an unquenchable thirst for Slim Jims.

Somebody (probably a trucker who got stuck reading Newsweek, for some reason) thought there was something wrong about this Slim Jim story, and called Politifact to complain. Politifact then used its Pulitzer Prize-winning skills to remind America that Sarah Palin is still always wrong about everything.

But even a 10.2 percent increase in beef prices — a major ingredient of Slim Jims, even if not the only one — does not explain a price rise of 169 percent, which is what Palin’s comparison would suggest.

Still, national statistics alone can’t settle this question. So we went directly to ConAgra, the food giant that makes Slim Jims.

Teresa Paulsen, a ConAgra spokeswoman, said that “we admire Mr. Palin’s taste and appreciate his support,” but added that “we haven’t raised the price significantly on any Slim Jim products.”

She also offered a possible explanation for the confusion. “Our iconic Slim Jim Giant Sticks are priced around $1.30,” Paulsen said. “Mr. Palin might have been reaching for one of our Slim Jim Monster Sticks, which offers double the meat for $2.30, or our Slim Jim Kippered Beef Steak, which typically sells for around $2.65.”

Todd probably got confused and thought that a Monster Stick is something that can be used to ward off a nearby monster. He planned to buy a crate of them and carry them on his person, whenever he is at home. [Politifact]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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201 comments

  1. Barb

    "monster stick?" Is this the pregnancy test Bristol is using lately? Conceived in a monster truck, detected with a monster stick.

    1. BloviateMe

      Nice, dipstick IN a dipstick. The paradox overwhelms the senses.

      I need a wine cooler.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Salami Al Ache 'em! The Muslins are everywhere! And what the hell are they doing jacking up the price of our dried processed cow-anus sticks?

  2. SexySmurf

    Mr. Palin might have been reaching for one of our Slim Jim Monster Sticks, which offers double the meat for $2.30

    That's what she said.

    Seriously, that's what Ms. Paulsen said.

  3. BloviateMe

    Just the intimation of a Monster Stick has left Marcus Bachmann a quivering, semen-sopped mess of a "man."

    1. Radiotherapy®

      hey thunder, don't give our resident fuckface troll any ideas, he's liable to steal the liebunatic and take it over to brightfart. you know what else he stole?

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      By tappin' those shoes and making sure as he’s widening his stance through stalls to send those Slim Jims and Monster Sticks that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.

    2. V572 der Plaatz

      I like those hot dogs that rotate, apparently forever, on spindles under a heat lamp in a plastic box on the counter, their wrinkled skins gleaming in a rich coating of their own fat.

    3. prommie

      This one time, on vacation in France (a canal boat on the Canal du Midi) I bought fresh duck magrets at a gas station.

  4. ChessieNefercat

    Who was the Sarah Palin of about 475 AD? Who was the Sarah Palin in Britain around mid-20th century? How about Russia 1917? Hapsburgs in 1914 or so?

    I just wonder if people sensed impending doom to their empires with a similar yowling brainless harpy battening on all that was good and killing it dead and refusing to shut her stupid mouth and get out of the nations's face.

    1. SexySmurf

      The Sarah Palin of 1917 Russia? I'm going to go with Rasputin: Con man, religious zealot, crackpot, and couldn't be killed.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        Even senile & suffering from dementia, Maggie doesn't want any part of Snowbilly's magical mystery tour.

    2. Radiotherapy®

      ♪ ♫ Please allow me to introduce myself,
      I'm a wench of grifting fame
      I've been around for a year or two
      Stole all the teabagger's faith ♪ ♫

  5. DashboardBuddha

    "“Mr. Palin might have been reaching for one of our Slim Jim Monster Sticks, which offers double the meat "

    My god…the jokes really do write themselves, don't they?

  6. Nostrildamus

    Only an ignorant red-neck would know the price of Slim Jims. We may therefore conclude that Sarah is an elite intellectual.

  7. Texan_Bulldog

    Once again Snowbilly gets caught trying to amp up her 'every woman' cred by lying about something that was easily verifiable. Those dang gotcha facts!

  8. RedNM

    Why does Slim Jism Powerstick hate the Constitution? I said Jism. I'm a Bachmann supporter.

  9. OC_Surf_Serf

    beef — a major ingredient of Slim Jims

    I'd have to see a lab test to believe that…

    (outta palin juice…and its only tuesday)

    1. Terry

      I used to work the cash register at a liquor store. I promise you that among the packaged meat snacks, Slim Jims have the least alarming ingredient list. One packaged sausage…not naming names…has beef lips as the first ingredient. They specifically say beef lips.

  10. edgydrifter

    Wait. Palin's folksy anecdote pivots on the fact that either she or Todd actually bought something, which is obviously impossible as it would be a gross violation of the grifter code. More likely Todd bitched about prices as he was fishing all the crap he boosted out of his cargo shorts.

  11. Tundra Grifter

    Wouldn't Todd have been purchasing his Slim Jims in Alaska, where everything is hella expensive? Then he comes down to the Outside (aka, Lower 48) where prices are, generally, lower.

    Particularly in the non-urban areas Duh Guv'Nor tours (again, where the entire cost of living tends to be lower) – she avoids the big cities like a gangster on the lam.

    In other words, this "story" is total BS. Other than the obvious fact that Todd has a Slim Jim. That, I do believe.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think I understand the confusion. Todd Palin came out and said it has become much more expensive to suck on some meat, and Sarah just assumed he was talking about a Slim Jim.

  13. Pragmatist2

    Seeing as she is an Alaskan grifter with family ties to known felons, she probably uses the phrase "Slim Jim" to refer to a slim crowbar-like tool used to break into automobiles.

  14. tihond

    Randy "Macho Man" Savage died to warn America about coming snack food inflation and to warn the British that they can have our heavily processed meat when they take it from our cold dead hands.

  15. Doktor Zoom

    I'm not sure exactly how Sarah and her supporters will turn this around and proclaim that she is actually right about this, but I am sure of this much: It will be a doozy, and it will be every bit as inane as the original claim.

    (I'm going to save this comment for future use, pretty much any time Sarah Palin makes a claim about anything that can be fact-checked)

  16. Reagan Still Dead

    Or they could have stopped at the store of one of those 'real' Murrican, free market price gougers who decide to charge a 300% mark up and blame it on the brother in the white House.

    1. DahBoner

      Specially up there in Woozilla, you would expect there would be several gyp joints, designed to separate drunk Eskimos from their whale blubber…

    1. comrad_darkness

      You can take the slim jim out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the slim jim. For one thing, it's too small for it to fit in there in the first place.

      1. Radiotherapy®

        If by "trailer park" you mean cunt, and by "slim jim" you mean pencil dick, then it makes perfect sense.

    2. arihaya

      she can't be a millionaire if she can't pretend to care about something that she doesn't

  17. __kth__

    Leaving aside the double entendre, isn't a Slim Jim Monster Stick somewhat of an oxymoron?

  18. user-of-owls

    Slim Jim Kippered Beef Steak (!?!?)

    Editorial Assistant: Sir, Mr. Dante, you know, 'that' Mr. Dante, is on the phone again.
    Editor: What the $#!^% does he want this time?!
    Editorial Assistant: Well, he wants us to re-do the galley proofs. Again.
    Editor: Now what?!
    Editorial Assistant: You know, the usual, "I need to add another circle!" These last couple of years it never ends with this guy!

  19. WhatTheHeck

    Paul Revere rode ahead of the British to warn the colonists the price of Slim Jims was going up so they should throw them into the harbor.

  20. weejee

    As a spin on the 'pray away the gay' meme of the right, how about a 'prey away the nays' and see if ConAgra would be willing to render Teapartiers to make Hoverround Slim Jims? They could package these treats with trading cards of MB's soul mate John Wayne Gacy, or Jeffrey Dahmer, or Ed Gein….the list goes on and on. Just some food for thought.

  21. JoshuaNorton

    Bachmann v. Palin.

    Slapfight!!!!

    Oh. Like you wouldn't pay good money to see that.

    1. MissusBarry

      None of that slapping bullshit, I want full-on ultimate fighter cage match action.

  22. Doktor Zoom

    Slim Jim Monster Sticks with double the meat….Slim Jim Monster Sticks with double the meat….

    Nope. Dammit, I just can't come up with a single joke on this one. Blair, could you maybe post something a little less obscure?

  23. user-of-owls

    I foresee an impending tidal wave of terrible incidents gone awry involving hapless South Asian gas station attendants and slathering retards clad in wife beaters who are armed for bear, figuratively and literally, demanding their "Ninety-Nine Cent Slim Jim Goddammit, and if you say thar ain't no such thing, yer a goddamm lahr!"

    No good can come of this. Fellow libunatics, I say unto thee: Steer thee clear of Love's until this dyeth down.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      And for fuck's sake, don't go to Pilot! They're operated by newly-elected Tennessee Republican governor Bill Haslam.

  24. assistantatlas

    ConAgra probably should just lower the price of SlimJims to what the ice grifter says it is… unless they want a million rabid Palinites (ie–most of the people who buy SlimJims) screaming that they have their prices wrong.

    Although wouldn't it be hilarious if they were the first ones on the fucking planet to just out-and-out declare "Bitch is wrong. She often is. Deal with it." I would probably actually buy a SlimJim in their honor if they did that.

    1. mumbly_joe

      It's pretty low on the ingredients list, honestly- it's more chicken than beef, and nearly 50% fat and salt, by weight.

  25. Warpde

    Where to begin?
    Oh, I know.
    Alaska has an 8 hour DST (9 hour Standard
    Time) difference behind Greenwich Mean Time.
    In the time it takes for the Slim Jimmies to get to Alaska the price of Beef went up 110%.
    Store owners trading stock on the Internet on the NYSE saw this and jacked prices up before their first customer showed up and adjusted the price accordingly to reflect the world market.
    Unfortunately Sarah, against Toddlers advice, waited until the morning to buy their Slimy Jimmies.
    Only to find out that Speculators had cashed in and prices fell shortly after,
    Forcing the store owners to re-adjust prices shortly after Palin made the purchase.

    Fuck you all.
    I'm sticking by my hypothesis.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If it can make some Wall St. schmuck a pile of money, you can be sure that it happens.

  26. James Michael Curley

    I don't think I ever ate a Slim Jim. I look at the thing and think, "It is alleged to be beef but looks like untanned rawhide and costs $45 a pound." I'll go to Delmonicos for one of their fillets at that price."

      1. mumbly_joe

        The Tabasco flavored ones are a bit of a guitly pleasure of mine, but I have no illusions about them being good, or even containing a plurality of beef.

  27. MissTaken

    “Mr. Palin might have been reaching for one of our Slim Jim Monster Sticks, which offers double the meat"

    For some reason really bad porno music keeps popping into my head.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Probably because:

      *Knock, Knock* Click screeech.
      "Hey lady, did you order the Pepperoni Pizza?"
      "Why, yes!"
      "Well here's the Pizza." *Thump*
      "And here's the Pepperoni:" *Zz zzzzzzzzzzzzip!*
      "Eeeeeek!!"

      *Cue Cheesy Porno Music*

  28. 5thstate

    I can't believe none of you have noticed yet that Slim Jims are made by a giant!
    Of Food! Named ConAgra

    So we went directly to ConAgra, the food giant that makes Slim Jims.

    I for one welcome our powerful new edible overlord! Long live mighty ConAgra, against whom our sporks have proven puny and weak!!

  29. C_R_Eature

    Todd: My dick is a monster
    Give me your heart

    Sarah: Bwana Dik is a legend
    Enormous thou art

    Todd: My dick is a Harley
    You kick it to start

    Sarah: Bwana Dik speaks
    The heavens will part

    Todd: My dick is a dagger
    I'll force it to fit
    My dick is a reamer, baby
    To scream up your slit

    Sarah: Steam it!
    Ream it!
    Cream it!

      1. C_R_Eature

        Thank you. The whole "Monster" dick theme made this appear in my head & I was compelled to write it down.

        I miss Frank, but Dweezil's out there doing Yeoman's work with the Music.

  30. 5thstate

    In fact everyone is missing the BIG story here.

    1) Beef prices are a major ingredient of Slim Jims—not beef, but beef prices.
    2) ConAgra has a spokesperson, for Slim Jims! Surely the product speaks for itself!

  31. Not_So_Much

    More than likely, though, Todd Palin just has an unquenchable thirst for Slim Jims.

    Is Slim Jim now a euphemism for cock?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, technically true, if you count ground-up hooves, rectums, horns, lips, etc as "beef." It's alimentary, Watson.

    1. 5thstate

      Like July 15 for instance.

      The Undefeated opens in the US on July 15
      So does Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II; on July 15.

      Epic!

  32. sezme

    Rick Perry has an opening for Todd Palin's Slim Jim (or possibly his Monster Stick). See, everything is connected!

  33. rocktonsam

    is there nothing this woman doesn't know that she can change her thought on and still be right?
    stay stupid my friends

  34. AJWjr.

    Oh, and $arah–Slim Jims? Not Kosher. In case that Star of David dangling from your throat is choking you, or something.

  35. Crank_Tango

    lemme guess, next she calls out the swinestream media for sticking it to her and the todd?

  36. Crank_Tango

    hahaha nice to see you're still working this post, fisty. also, you're a total loser, I hope you are aware of that.

  37. ttommyunger

    Anyone over 40 who eats anything sold in convenience stores or gas stations needs to wise up. Only a young body can tolerate that many toxins. 'Course, some folk over 40 are still in their teens developmentally; I'm talking to you, Sarah Barracuda.

    1. ThundercatHo

      True that. Besides, don't real men make their own damn jerky out of the wild game they have hunted and slaughtered themselves?

      1. ttommyunger

        Wouldn't know about that. I guess I'm not a real man like Todd or Ted (Tiny Goober) Nugent.

    2. Larry McAwful

      I get my beef jerky at Trader Joe's, because I'm an elitist communist liberal. And I'm 41.

  38. iburl

    In other words, once again, the entire apparatus of American media and commerce are expended to examine the perpetual question:

    "Is S___ P___ still a thick-headed, know-nothing, world-class dingbat who habitually spouts utter idiocy?"

  39. lumpenprole

    It's kinda funny that William Kristol had so much to do with bringing Sarah into the major league.

  40. Larry McAwful

    Once again, Wonkette's bias shines through. Michelle Obama was recently seen eating a huge bowl of Slim Jims swimming in grape soda, in public, which had around 1500 calories to it, at least, and no one even asked her if she knew how much it cost. You liberals.

  41. KeepFnThatChicken

    How she got Newsweek to run with "I Can Win" as the title — when clearly it just read "I'm Still Relevant!" is beyond me.

  42. Negropolis

    Sarah Palin, eh? I does not care. I does not care about her; I does not care for her. So, stop it, already. I couldn't care less about what she thinks about Libya, let alone some stupid, folksy shit she has to say about the price of a fleshy, smokey, carcinogenic stick of death.

    BTW, don't speak ill of truckers. They are a lot more interesting and deep a people than you think. They are like traveling philosopher kings and queens if you can look past the lot lizards.

  43. El Pinche

    Personally I think the Cuntress of Wasilla is starting to do product placements now.

    Fun fact : If you take all of America's favorite foods and process all of it using some giant Haliburton grinder, you get the inside of a Slim Jim…salty , fatty, greasy shit paste.

  44. Callyson

    Maybe Todd just wanted a piece of what Kortney has.
    Um, perhaps I should rephrase that…

  45. flamingpdog

    Slightly off topic, but has anyone noticed that "Sarah Palin" is an anagram of "Sharia Plan"? I'd be kinda scared if I weren't already paranoid.

  46. mumbly_joe

    I actually like how politifact manages to snark about how terrible Slim Jims are through the entire piece, pointing out that they're like 2% salt and 47% animal fat, and so basically have more spice and fat than meat. Just like anything Palin says.

  47. genxr

    $2.69 is the price of a slim jim and 3 condoms. I used to do the same thing when my parents gave me gas money. "Gee, the prices sure went up, didn't they?"

  48. NorthStarSpanx

    Sarah, hey Sarah, yeah you. I hope you and Bristol read this and read it to Todd Todd Todd (have you seen Todd?) and all the other biting blogs and gossip sites every single day to have anonymous chihuahua's tree you, you fucking freak of nature.

    You lie like you breath, you exaggerate like a soap-box preacher, your breast size fluctuates with the venue. We know you'll blink, you aren't a big enough girl to handle a national campaign, your bus tour to test the waters showed how much you are reviled, you loser.

  49. sportshort

    These people just seem to be wandering in the "I'm Dumb" forest and smacking into "You're An Idiot" trees all the time don't they?

Comments are closed.