so unnecessary

Gross WaPo Headline Announces Rick Perry Has ‘Huge Opening’

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew never forget.Thank you, Washington Post, our crappy lunch tasted better on the way back up. The killjoys in editorial have already changed this headline to read “Rick Perry has ‘huge’ opening as many in the GOP establishment remain uncommitted,” which does not matter because we now have our screen capture for the rest of eternity and every “Rick Perry is gay” rumor post ever written.

This is what counts as political reportage these days, typing about candidates’ “openings.” You think that’s subtle, do you? Just watch, dear friends, this is only the beginning. We are a year and a half out still. The words “Bachmann,” “Santorum” and “backdoor” could very easily appear in a “real journalism” sentence together sooner than you think.

Also, the quote from the WaPo article that gave us this amazing headline has so many blow job references that we do not even know where to start:

“It’s a huge opening for Rick Perry — huge, huge, huge,” said New Hampshire operative Mike Dennehy, who is neutral in the race. “If he announces and really announces with a bang, he could gobble up a solid third of the Republican Party establishment in New Hampshire and, I do believe, nationally.”

“HUGE HUGE HUGE BANG GOBBLE” is how we read that. Thanks, enjoy. [WaPo]

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  1. nounverb911

    “It’s a huge opening for Rick Perry — huge, huge, huge,”
    Which end? Heads or tails?

      1. Chet Kincaid

        This woman I was once friends with (translation: frustratedly had no chance with) was raised partly in England, and told me a story about being punished by the headmaster at her school: she had to stand looking out an open window and not make a sound or flinch while he paddled her. Is it something in the Thames?? (I think her particular kink was telling me that story.)

        1. Limeylizzie

          That is not allowed in a State school–those kinds of shenanigans are at those posh schools, fee-paying.

          1. Limeylizzie

            They were never allowed to do it to girls, in the UK, at least not in the State schools, because we have the tender parts.

          2. BaldarTFlagass

            That's ludicrous. I have "tender parts," and they hang out on the outside, exposed to all manner of dangers; ain't all tucked up safe and sound.

          3. Limeylizzie

            I didn't say I agreed with it, but God knows what kind of crazy sexual fantasies that would have led to.

          4. BaldarTFlagass

            No doubt. I'm reading these books about post-war Britain by a guy named Kynaston; quite a lot of deprivation over there for the first 10 or 15 years after 1945, so maybe a lot of depravity to go along with it… Can't wait till he gets to the Swinging Sixties!

          5. BaldarTFlagass

            I can attest to 1974, I was in Mississippi. Of course, being Mississippi, they probably still allow it, down there.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Who wrote that site? He/she must have spent some quality time in the Moody Bible Institute Bookstore or equivalent, because that's a brilliant parody of Evangelical Christian discourse.

  2. jus_wonderin

    "Son, you have the most beautiful eyes. I could get lost in those forever. Do you like movies about powerful men on their knees?"

    1. JustPixelz

      Dubya Bush is from Texas*, so Perry's got a pretty big asshole to surpass.
      * actually born in Connecticut, my current home state where I breath that sweet, sweet Joementum every day

  3. zappadoo76

    Actually, having a "huge opening" would not be an asset in the gay community. A tight asset is what is wanted.

    1. riverside68

      I've been told that if you doing the whole team at once, a huge opening works best

  4. weejee

    If Perry wins the nomination and picks Bachmann for Veep will Michele let Marcus go to the White House for sleep overs alone or will she demand a ménage à trois?

  5. __kth__

    From the linked article, 100% on the level: "View Photo Gallery–Campaign 2012: who's in and who's out?"

    Mind if I take a pass on the pics and just take your word for it, Washington Post?

  6. __kth__

    also caption: "Is there something amyoosing about the name Biggus….Dickus?"

    poor Texas Ranger/deputy sheriff/whatever he is.

  7. mavenmaven

    they changed it to “Rick Perry has ‘huge’ opening as many in the GOP establishment remain uncommitted,” because not everyone in the GOP is a big opening fan, many of them still prefer little openings, like in their high school age pages.

        1. BloviateMe

          Yeah but, he cleaned up the blood really quick…I mean, those Sham Wows fucking ABSORB man.

  8. inapewetrust

    but what will he do with his huge opening? will he ruthlessly take advantage of it, disregarding any discomfort or smears that could result? will he let someone else fill it? will he simply tease it, just to get attention? marcus bachmann wants to know!

  9. flamingpdog

    But, said Dick Wadhams, a former Colorado Republican Party chairman, “that does not mean they’re sitting around waiting for Rick Perry specifically.”

    “They just want to get it right,” Wadhams said, “and they’re going to be thinking with their heads in addition to feeling with their hearts.”

    Which heads are you referring to, Dick Wad-hams? The ones on their necks or the ones on their peckers?

  10. Callyson

    The killjoys in editorial have already changed this headline to read “Rick Perry has ‘huge’ opening as many in the GOP establishment remain uncommitted”
    Um, actually, that makes it worse…or better, depending on your sense of humor and how long ago you last had something to eat…

    1. bureaucrap

      they didn't quite clean it up enough, did they? Rick Perry still has his huge opening, and will welcome everyone tothe huge opening through his backdoor.

  11. V572 der Plaatz

    So when the fencers talk about "thrust" and "parry" it takes on an entirely different meaning. Not that fencing isn't the gayest possible sport already…

    1. finallyhappy

      uh, oh, I fenced in college and after that-but it is only gay when guys do it, right? I mean, it is macho if I— never mind.

      1. V572 der Plaatz

        Here’s the rule I just made up:  Sports w/cute outfits* = gay. N/A for women.______*Figure skating, football, NASCAR, baseball, etc

  12. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Fred Hiatt and company always have a hard-on for war, tax cuts for rich people, and screwing over everybody else.

    Not to mention government handouts for b.s. 'educational' for-profits like Kaplan, Inc.

    P.S. I can't be the only one who is laughing at Spanky2, the twisted downfister, working himself into a frenzy on this post.

  13. Rotundo_

    If Ricky *is* gay, how is he going to keep from being outed by someone wanting to trip him up? There has to be someone out there that would launch that photon torpedo if it really existed. Audio of Gov. Goodhair in action or video, you would think someone would just happen to drop a few dozen copies of something somewhere or post them indiscreetly someplace. I'm not saying he is or is not, but I would think he would be cautious about opposition research and not just from democratic opposition.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Damn! I was going to post:

      Perry admonishes his workers to "Win one for the Gapper."

  14. weejee

    In the latest Googling poll:

    Rick Perry is gay 4.2M hits
    Marcus Bachmann is gay 2.4M hits

    Tejas should be very proud. Although Dr. Jebus can take some consolation in the fact that he did out-poll Rock Hudson.

  15. pinkocommi

    Is that "huge opening" in his ass, his brain or the place in his chest where his heart should be?

    1. user-of-owls

      Fuflans: I hope he doesn't become our next president.

      Magic Lamp Genie Dude: Too easy!

  16. imissopus

    he could gobble up a solid third of the Republican Party establishment in New Hampshire and, I do believe, nationally.”

    Just called my stockbroker and yelled "Sell my portfolio and put everything into mouthwash and dental floss now!"

  17. Eve8Apples

    “If he announces and really announces with a bang, he could gobble up a solid third of the Republican Party establishment in New Hampshire and, I do believe, nationally.”

    Gee, I kinda remember some other governor from Texas who quickly rose to the office of President with no federal experience. Yeah, he did one heckuva job. In fact, we're still haven't recovered from his bang up job performance. America is just yearning for another big helping of Texas incompetence.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I'm sitting here trying to come up with an appropriate Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann quote from Full Metal Jacket, but there are too many of them to choose from and I've already drunk enough to become somewhat indecisive.

  18. Come here a minute

    "huge, huge, huge,” said New Hampshire operative Mike Dennehy, who is neutral in the race.

    In other words, bisexual.

  19. LetUsBray

    Gaping-ass jokes with references to fisting, santorum, and goatses: Thank you for reminding me why I love wonkette.

    1. petehammer

      I once had to write an article about the closely related vaginal floor prolapse.

      And there went lunch.

  20. Come here a minute

    OT: Grover Norquist just caved on the debt limit, so clearly it's time for investor confidence, green shoots, and the rise of der jobcreators.

    1. orygoon

      "Americans for Tax Reform founder and presidentGrover Norquist has made some enemies over the years for his conservative politics, but does he deserve to be called a terrorist?"

      Why, yes. And the Gitmo suggestion for him is inspired.

  21. Pat_Pending

    When I think of Donald Trump, I think, "Huge." Now, when I think of Rick Perry, I'll think, "Huge, huge, huge." Big hair, even bigger backdoors.

    1. LetUsBray

      At first I thought you said "even hairier backdoors." I plan to write to the company I took the speed-reading course from and demand a refund, of course.

  22. BaldarTFlagass

    Why, his asshole's so big that when he farts, it just goes "puhh."

    Sorry, that's an old Navy canard.

  23. Mahousu

    Everyone says the GOP no longer has a "big tent," so I guess now they have to approach things from the other direction.

    1. user-of-owls

      Not much relief there, since they are also loose and flappy in their dick-apertures. At least so I have heard.

  24. SaintRond

    It's Texas. Everything's outsized. They've got the biggest assholes under all creation.

  25. Warpde

    Rick, Rick Rick.
    We never would have thought you went Phhhhht instead of Brrrrrrrrrt.
    You bad, bad boy.

  26. ttommyunger

    Sounds like it was written by John Fund, the gayest fuck on the WSJ's payroll, and that, my friend, is saying something; but not in a nice way.

  27. Negropolis

    And, verily, The Jesus says:

    "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to pass through Rick's "Huge Opening", than for a rich man…errr…"job creator" to enter the kingdom of God."

    So says The Nazarene.

    BTW, a bit disappointed no one has managed to fit in the phrase "gaping maw".

    1. mog253

      I can't find this one in my King James. But I'm sure that the verse, "Jesus wept" fits the situation.

  28. SaintRond

    Maybe, like "Santorum," became a noun, one day a "Perry" could become the term used for a really, really big, huge gaping opening. Just sayin'.

  29. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    The Bush Clone
    neocon rick perry
    one more willing puppet
    status quo establishment

  30. father_moray

    Everyone seems so edgy…so upset. It's OK, your personal share of the current US Debt is just over $500,000. With interest and inflation that could expand 500% over 20 years. Think of it like buying a really nice house…er…rather someone else buying a house and just sending you the bill. Ohhhhhhhh I meant like sending you, your wife, and your kids the bills….it never ends. I am pizzzed. You?

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