so unnecessary

Gross WaPo Headline Announces Rick Perry Has ‘Huge Opening’

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew never forget.Thank you, Washington Post, our crappy lunch tasted better on the way back up. The killjoys in editorial have already changed this headline to read “Rick Perry has ‘huge’ opening as many in the GOP establishment remain uncommitted,” which does not matter because we now have our screen capture for the rest of eternity and every “Rick Perry is gay” rumor post ever written.

This is what counts as political reportage these days, typing about candidates’ “openings.” You think that’s subtle, do you? Just watch, dear friends, this is only the beginning. We are a year and a half out still. The words “Bachmann,” “Santorum” and “backdoor” could very easily appear in a “real journalism” sentence together sooner than you think.

Also, the quote from the WaPo article that gave us this amazing headline has so many blow job references that we do not even know where to start:

“It’s a huge opening for Rick Perry — huge, huge, huge,” said New Hampshire operative Mike Dennehy, who is neutral in the race. “If he announces and really announces with a bang, he could gobble up a solid third of the Republican Party establishment in New Hampshire and, I do believe, nationally.”

“HUGE HUGE HUGE BANG GOBBLE” is how we read that. Thanks, enjoy. [WaPo]

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  • Barb

    It's exactly the size of his head.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Sadly, this head is slightly bigger…

    • nounverb911

      “Never Eat Anything Bigger Than Your Head”?

      • http://t.co/83Yq8x9 smokefilledroommate

        Never stick your head up your ass.

        • riverside68

          Never stick your head up anything smaller than your head?

    • Negropolis

      Which one?

  • nounverb911

    “It’s a huge opening for Rick Perry — huge, huge, huge,”
    Which end? Heads or tails?

  • GuanoFaucet

    That'll happen when you always have your head up your ass.

  • http://t.co/83Yq8x9 smokefilledroommate

    Rick Perry's Huge Opening– a film by Rick Perry/Goatse Productions.

  • Sue4466

    Thinking "Perry" will have a new internet definition soon.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Reagan Still Dead

      "It's like landing a 747 in the Grand Canyon."

      • bureaucrap

        "It's like landing a rubber-band balsawood plane in the Grand Canyon."

      • riverside68

        I thought it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

        • LetUsBray

          Or tossing a Vienna Sausage into the Valles Marineris.

          • user-of-owls

            Or piloting a blimp.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Oh he's not gay, he just enjoys some good Christian fisting from his wife. It's okay, it's in the bible.
    http://www.sexinchrist.com/fist.html

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Reagan Still Dead

      Holy schmow! This is religion I could get behind. Celebrate a Fistival of Loving!

      • Graham Cracker

        A Fistivus for the rest of us!

        • HogeyeGrex

          I believe you meant "for the wrist of us."

    • Limeylizzie

      I could go back to the church for the BDSM!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        This woman I was once friends with (translation: frustratedly had no chance with) was raised partly in England, and told me a story about being punished by the headmaster at her school: she had to stand looking out an open window and not make a sound or flinch while he paddled her. Is it something in the Thames?? (I think her particular kink was telling me that story.)

        • Limeylizzie

          That is not allowed in a State school–those kinds of shenanigans are at those posh schools, fee-paying.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            They were still paddling over here in public schools (U.S. definition) up until about '74, my ass recalls.

          • Limeylizzie

            They were never allowed to do it to girls, in the UK, at least not in the State schools, because we have the tender parts.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            That's ludicrous. I have "tender parts," and they hang out on the outside, exposed to all manner of dangers; ain't all tucked up safe and sound.

          • Limeylizzie

            I didn't say I agreed with it, but God knows what kind of crazy sexual fantasies that would have led to.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            No doubt. I'm reading these books about post-war Britain by a guy named Kynaston; quite a lot of deprivation over there for the first 10 or 15 years after 1945, so maybe a lot of depravity to go along with it… Can't wait till he gets to the Swinging Sixties!

          • zhubajie

            Memoirs of British writers are full of details.

          • Limeylizzie

            You should read Kenneth Tynan's diaries, quite entertaining.

          • zhubajie

            I did see a pornographic re-write of _Jane Eyre_ once.

          • Limeylizzie

            I think the Bronte's are ripe for porn rewrites.

          • zhubajie

            >

          • BaldarTFlagass

            I can attest to 1974, I was in Mississippi. Of course, being Mississippi, they probably still allow it, down there.

          • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

            In Montgomery in 1968, the "coaches" would drill holes in the paddle to enhance its impact.

          • HogeyeGrex

            Well, you have to pay for that sort of thing around here, too.

            Or so I'm told.

    • Mapmonger

      There's a band called Christian Fisting. True story.

      • Geminisunmars

        Do they fist for Jebus?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Who wrote that site? He/she must have spent some quality time in the Moody Bible Institute Bookstore or equivalent, because that's a brilliant parody of Evangelical Christian discourse.

      • OkieDokieDog

        I got the link from an Atheist facebook page that I "like".

  • nounverb911

    Does Little Ricky go to Dr. Bachmannn for treatment?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Rickey didn't lose his number?

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      … for fabulous treatment.

  • jus_wonderin

    "Son, you have the most beautiful eyes. I could get lost in those forever. Do you like movies about powerful men on their knees?"

    • nounverb911

      Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

    • HistoriCat

      "There's just something about a line of strapping young men in uniform …"

  • SexySmurf

    Everything is bigger in Texas, including the assholes.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Dubya Bush is from Texas*, so Perry's got a pretty big asshole to surpass.
      _________________
      * actually born in Connecticut, my current home state where I breath that sweet, sweet Joementum every day

    • user-of-owls

      No, actually, it's just the assholes that are bigger. Common misconception.

  • widestanceroman

    Innuendo overload. I think I blacked out for a minute.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Caution: Wonkette may not be suitable for people sensitive to innuendo overload.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

      Yep, out the door and inuendo.

  • zappadoo76

    Actually, having a "huge opening" would not be an asset in the gay community. A tight asset is what is wanted.

    • riverside68

      I've been told that if you doing the whole team at once, a huge opening works best

  • Zombie_Reagan

    Wow, everything is bigger in Texas

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Not IQs.
      Also compassion.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    If Perry wins the nomination and picks Bachmann for Veep will Michele let Marcus go to the White House for sleep overs alone or will she demand a ménage à trois?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I'm still waiting for the Shelley-Sarah ménage à twat.

  • Papa_Uniform

    Well, knowing the reputation of the WaPo staff, I will take their word for it.

  • hagajim

    Man that's one giant rectum, or is that wrecked-'em?

    • riverside68

      Hell, I almost killed 'em

  • Buzz Feedback

    Word on the street is it's bigger than a Messican drug tunnel.

    • riverside68

      Wall Street or Main Street? (Don't say Back Street.)

  • __kth__

    From the linked article, 100% on the level: "View Photo Gallery–Campaign 2012: who's in and who's out?"

    Mind if I take a pass on the pics and just take your word for it, Washington Post?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      NSFW?

      • genxr

        NSFA

    • Geminisunmars

      I first read that as "take a piss on the pacs" – and that works too.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Even though Rick may be on the bottom now, he still has alot of power.

    • wehojoel

      It's what we the gays call a "power bottom".

      • SudsMcKenzie

        see what i did there?

  • __kth__

    also caption: "Is there something amyoosing about the name Biggus….Dickus?"

    poor Texas Ranger/deputy sheriff/whatever he is.

  • CrunchyKnee

    He prayed for that God damned huge opening, God damnit.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    I can't read this at the orifice

  • Pragmatist2

    The word "asshole" is not in the Post's Style Manual.

    • Rotundo_

      Ironic no?

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

      Figures prominently in the organizational chart, though.

  • mavenmaven

    they changed it to “Rick Perry has ‘huge’ opening as many in the GOP establishment remain uncommitted,” because not everyone in the GOP is a big opening fan, many of them still prefer little openings, like in their high school age pages.

  • littlebigdaddy

    So I guess he's looking for a huge dick? Mittens-Perry '12?

  • fuflans

    he looks a dr suess character in that picture.

  • orygoon

    Oh yeah. You know who else had a "huge opening"?

    • nounverb911

      Bristol?

    • SexySmurf

      Michael Bay?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Pabl-O Picass-O?

    • Callyson

      Limpballs?

    • DemonicRage

      The Hangover II?

    • BloviateMe

      The Sham Wow guy (this answer is never wrong).

      • tcaalaw

        What if the question is, "Who else hasn't been arrested for punching a prostitute?"

        • BloviateMe

          Yeah but, he cleaned up the blood really quick…I mean, those Sham Wows fucking ABSORB man.

          • Negropolis

            L.O.L.!

    • riverside68

      Catherine the Great?

    • GOPCrusher

      OJ Simpson. That Buffalo offensive line was awesome back in the day.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Heidi Abromowitz?

    • finallyhappy

      The final Harry Potter movie?

    • horsedreamer_1

      The Clown hole at mini golf?

    • Negropolis

      The state of Arizona?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Pearl Harbor?

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    Somewhere on his resume is a line that reads.

    "Star of hit Internet site goatse.cx"

  • SayItWithWookies

    Karl Rove just realized where he left his car keys.

    • axmxz

      And his fake Rolex.

      • petehammer

        …and his car.

        • user-of-owls

          …and his hair, insight and human dignity.

  • http://thefastertimes.com/absurdnews/ inapewetrust

    but what will he do with his huge opening? will he ruthlessly take advantage of it, disregarding any discomfort or smears that could result? will he let someone else fill it? will he simply tease it, just to get attention? marcus bachmann wants to know!

    • zhubajie

      He will use it to shit all over the American people!

  • flamingpdog

    But, said Dick Wadhams, a former Colorado Republican Party chairman, “that does not mean they’re sitting around waiting for Rick Perry specifically.”

    “They just want to get it right,” Wadhams said, “and they’re going to be thinking with their heads in addition to feeling with their hearts.”

    Which heads are you referring to, Dick Wad-hams? The ones on their necks or the ones on their peckers?

    • littlebigdaddy

      I'm always glad to hear from our old friend Dickwad Hams!

  • Callyson

    The killjoys in editorial have already changed this headline to read “Rick Perry has ‘huge’ opening as many in the GOP establishment remain uncommitted”
    Um, actually, that makes it worse…or better, depending on your sense of humor and how long ago you last had something to eat…

    • V572 der Plaatz

      And how you feel about scare-quotes.

    • bureaucrap

      they didn't quite clean it up enough, did they? Rick Perry still has his huge opening, and will welcome everyone tothe huge opening through his backdoor.

  • jjdaddyo

    That's what you get with a wide stance….

  • genxr

    And he doesn't want the TSA to touch it.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Where angels fear to tread. (And many a Pope as well).

  • BarackMyWorld

    Huge asshole has huge asshole.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Rick Perry's huge opening = Santorum out.

  • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

    This proves it!
    Murdoch DID take over the WaPo!

  • V572 der Plaatz

    So when the fencers talk about "thrust" and "parry" it takes on an entirely different meaning. Not that fencing isn't the gayest possible sport already…

    • finallyhappy

      uh, oh, I fenced in college and after that-but it is only gay when guys do it, right? I mean, it is macho if I— never mind.

      • V572 der Plaatz

        Here’s the rule I just made up:  Sports w/cute outfits* = gay. N/A for women.______*Figure skating, football, NASCAR, baseball, etc

    • zhubajie

      No, wrestling is the gayest possible sport!

      • V572 der Plaatz

        That's not what John Irving says, wearing hiscute little singlet.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Fred Hiatt and company always have a hard-on for war, tax cuts for rich people, and screwing over everybody else.

    Not to mention government handouts for b.s. 'educational' for-profits like Kaplan, Inc.

    P.S. I can't be the only one who is laughing at Spanky2, the twisted downfister, working himself into a frenzy on this post.
    ~

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Perry' s alias: Hugh Jopening.

    • V572 der Plaatz

      Or in pinyin, "Hu Cho Pen Ng."

    • Barrelhse

      Seeking Hugh Jorgan.

  • Rotundo_

    If Ricky *is* gay, how is he going to keep from being outed by someone wanting to trip him up? There has to be someone out there that would launch that photon torpedo if it really existed. Audio of Gov. Goodhair in action or video, you would think someone would just happen to drop a few dozen copies of something somewhere or post them indiscreetly someplace. I'm not saying he is or is not, but I would think he would be cautious about opposition research and not just from democratic opposition.

  • http://t.co/83Yq8x9 smokefilledroommate

    'Rick Perry has "gaping" asshole, according to some in GOP establishment'.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Damn! I was going to post:

      Perry admonishes his workers to "Win one for the Gapper."

  • BloviateMe

    You're doing a huckuva job, huge-holey.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Rick's "huge opening" guarantees a quick exit for Santorum…

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    I wonder if he's ever attended a Grand Opening.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    In the latest Googling poll:

    Rick Perry is gay 4.2M hits
    Marcus Bachmann is gay 2.4M hits

    Tejas should be very proud. Although Dr. Jebus can take some consolation in the fact that he did out-poll Rock Hudson.

  • pinkocommi

    Is that "huge opening" in his ass, his brain or the place in his chest where his heart should be?

    • Nothingisamiss

      Finally, someone opening up the conversation.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Sigh….

      All of 'em, Katie!

  • fuflans

    i hope he doesn't become our next president.

    • user-of-owls

      Fuflans: I hope he doesn't become our next president.

      Magic Lamp Genie Dude: Too easy!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    he could gobble up a solid third of the Republican Party establishment in New Hampshire and, I do believe, nationally.”

    Just called my stockbroker and yelled "Sell my portfolio and put everything into mouthwash and dental floss now!"

  • Eve8Apples

    “If he announces and really announces with a bang, he could gobble up a solid third of the Republican Party establishment in New Hampshire and, I do believe, nationally.”

    Gee, I kinda remember some other governor from Texas who quickly rose to the office of President with no federal experience. Yeah, he did one heckuva job. In fact, we're still haven't recovered from his bang up job performance. America is just yearning for another big helping of Texas incompetence.

  • Nostrildamus

    Alternate caption: "Get down there soldier and give me fifty"

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm sitting here trying to come up with an appropriate Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann quote from Full Metal Jacket, but there are too many of them to choose from and I've already drunk enough to become somewhat indecisive.

  • MinAgain

    "Holey _____, Batman!"

    Okay, folks. Knock yourselves out.

    • C_R_Eature

      "Holy Cavernous Cloaca Batman!

    • orygoon

      Lone Star shaped/Lone Star sized orifice!

  • Come here a minute

    "huge, huge, huge,” said New Hampshire operative Mike Dennehy, who is neutral in the race.

    In other words, bisexual.

  • LetUsBray

    Gaping-ass jokes with references to fisting, santorum, and goatses: Thank you for reminding me why I love wonkette.

  • jakegittes

    Calling Dr. Bachmann, Calling Dr. Bachmann, Code Pink.

  • user-of-owls

    Perry's 'opening' may be 'huge,' but Ron Paul's airship is 'rigid'!

  • horsedreamer_1

    When the going gets weird, the weird prolapse.

    • petehammer

      I once had to write an article about the closely related vaginal floor prolapse.

      And there went lunch.

  • Come here a minute

    OT: Grover Norquist just caved on the debt limit, so clearly it's time for investor confidence, green shoots, and the rise of der jobcreators.

    • orygoon

      "Americans for Tax Reform founder and presidentGrover Norquist has made some enemies over the years for his conservative politics, but does he deserve to be called a terrorist?"

      Why, yes. And the Gitmo suggestion for him is inspired.

  • Pat_Pending

    When I think of Donald Trump, I think, "Huge." Now, when I think of Rick Perry, I'll think, "Huge, huge, huge." Big hair, even bigger backdoors.

    • LetUsBray

      At first I thought you said "even hairier backdoors." I plan to write to the company I took the speed-reading course from and demand a refund, of course.

  • user-of-owls

    So a Bachmann, a Santorum and a backdoor walk into a bar…

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    It sounds like Rick Perry is getting a blow job from a turkey.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Why, his asshole's so big that when he farts, it just goes "puhh."

    Sorry, that's an old Navy canard.

    • user-of-owls

      Baldar T.: Hoist by his own canard.

  • Mahousu

    Everyone says the GOP no longer has a "big tent," so I guess now they have to approach things from the other direction.

    • user-of-owls

      Not much relief there, since they are also loose and flappy in their dick-apertures. At least so I have heard.

  • C_R_Eature

    "Hugh Jorgen" will be happy to hear about Rick's "Huge Opening".

  • SaintRond

    It's Texas. Everything's outsized. They've got the biggest assholes under all creation.

  • smitallica

    Well it has to be huge to fit that many oil and coal companies up there.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Perry/Goatse 2012!

  • Fox n Fiends

    Huge Openings are totally Sharia Law.

  • El Pinche

    Ok, I'm NOT clicking on any URLs in this one.

  • Barrelhse

    Rick, that's a nasty gash.

  • slobis

    Huh? I think this is a bit of a reach.

  • Warpde

    Rick, Rick Rick.
    We never would have thought you went Phhhhht instead of Brrrrrrrrrt.
    You bad, bad boy.

  • mourningnmerica

    Rick Perry IS a huge opening.

  • ttommyunger

    Sounds like it was written by John Fund, the gayest fuck on the WSJ's payroll, and that, my friend, is saying something; but not in a nice way.

  • Negropolis

    And, verily, The Jesus says:

    "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to pass through Rick's "Huge Opening", than for a rich man…errr…"job creator" to enter the kingdom of God."

    So says The Nazarene.

    BTW, a bit disappointed no one has managed to fit in the phrase "gaping maw".

    • mog253

      I can't find this one in my King James. But I'm sure that the verse, "Jesus wept" fits the situation.

  • SaintRond

    Maybe, like "Santorum," became a noun, one day a "Perry" could become the term used for a really, really big, huge gaping opening. Just sayin'.

    • tcaalaw

      It could be the polite euphemism for goatse.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    HUGEHUGEHUGEBANGGOBBLEMONSTERSTICK

    (fixed)

  • vavavivivivi

    http://www.benzlogo.com/

    I tide fashion Good-looking, not expensive Free transport

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    The Bush Clone
    neocon rick perry
    one more willing puppet
    status quo establishment

  • ghblowhard

    Did WaPo mean Katy Perry?

  • father_moray

    Everyone seems so edgy…so upset. It's OK, your personal share of the current US Debt is just over $500,000. With interest and inflation that could expand 500% over 20 years. Think of it like buying a really nice house…er…rather someone else buying a house and just sending you the bill. Ohhhhhhhh I meant like sending you, your wife, and your kids the bills….it never ends. I am pizzzed. You?

  • widestanceroman

    Dribbles? I suspect it just tumbles out like so many anchor babies.

  • riverside68

    And it will pour out like a mighty flood

    Ezekiel 21:31

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Dammit I SCOURED this tread and didn't see that.

  • GOPCrusher

    This has to be great news for santorum.

  • riverside68

    Don't tell us it slipped by you