saw it in a nicolas cage movie once

Paultards Race To Discover Secret Meaning of Ron Paul Retirement

it all makes sense now.Ron Paul, currently on his third run for president, is finally “in it to win” this time: he announced he will not seek re-election to his Congressional seat so he can focus on his presidential run. This has led to a massive outpouring of grief from sobbing Paultards, who all want to know WHO NOW POSSIBLY will be that lone person to cast “nay” votes on bills to divest U.S. government interests supporting genocide in Darfur. Cooler heads, however, have correctly figured out that this move is all just part of Ron Paul’s secret plan. 

All of this is happening over at the Daily Paul, where the news has hit like a tornado in a trailer park. Is there a secret plan to use the secret code written in the Constitution by the Founders that can give Ron Paul instructions on how to win a national election with 1-3 states? Or was Ron Paul just predestined by the Constitution to come save America from itself, as the Founders wrote? OH LOOK AND HERE IS SOME OF THE CODE:


We look forward to the Paul/Nader/Gore/Johnson 2012 ticket. [Daily Paul/ The Facts]

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    1. MLHencken

      Actually, I think there is a picture of him in some secret lair of the Illuminati, with the following caption:

      "Do NOT use, even in case of emergency."

  1. Come here a minute

    I have a secret document that explains it all. Meet me at midnight by the Gravel pit.

  2. arihaya

    He is just planning to spend more time with his family, under health coverage of the socialist Medicare

    1. Fare la Volpe

      And you know who gets shit done in a cabinet meeting? A mob of bitches decked in wigs and Gucci pumps.

    1. nounverb911

      There seems to be a lot of that going on in Texas lately, Nancy Grace should investigate.

      1. PristineODummy

        She'll just want them all executed. How fun is that. Oh. Wait. I see what you did there.

    2. Terry

      Tom DeLay's wee bit of gerrymandering took Paul's district (runs along the coast south of Galveston) and mashed in chunk of Galveston County known to be infested with liberals, gays, and immigrants, thus knocking out the old Galveston district that was reliably Democratic. Hopefully, Paul not running will allow the liberals, gays, and immigrants to get some representation that doesn't frickin offend them.

  3. Biel_ze_Bubba

    There's a certain charm to the Paultards' earnest nuttiness, which sets them apart from the GOP/bagger/wingnut nastiness and stupidity. I'll miss them.

    1. Banelm

      When they first appeared, they seemed like the wackiest outlier possible. After two years of teabaggers, Ron Paul looks like Vanilla with nuts mixed in.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      metamarcisf got more answers, but I give the edge to FNMA for avoiding the stock question-form and for the quality of the responses. Golf clap!

  4. weejee

    Is the bassackwards R similar in meaning to the backwards K in bazebawl meaning ya struck out with the bat on your shoulder? It must, it simply must.

  5. WhatTheHeck

    He's going to do a Sarah Palin type ‘road trip’ in his blimp.
    This might take a year or two, by which time he will decide to make a run for it.

    1. MLHencken

      And Chris Christie stayed…oh,its just too easy.

      Christie is a mean, obese bully with a name better suited to a bisexual disc jockey from an AM Oldies radio station. In Delaware.

  6. JustPixelz

    I KNEW the "plain language of the Constitution" had a lot of secrets. Like how to "elect" Ron Paul POTUS after he wins "1-3 states". That's why the Tea Parties looove the Constitution … because it has secrets only they can see.

    1. orygoon

      Er, no. I have a list of people whom I wish to have shorter-than-average life spans, and Rand just made it.

  7. Andrew Drinker

    Yeah, uh, the whole collecting delegates thing when you're a minor candidate doesn't work. Just ask Dennis Kucinich about his 2004 run, where he pretty much tried to do the same thing.

    Having said that, good luck Ron Paul. At least good luck to the 47% of your views I agree with, and a big F.O. to the other 53%.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah. For every "legalize harmless recreational drugs," there's always a "nothing should ever be regulated, EVER." You can flip that 1 Amero coin a zillion times, and half the time, it's still coming up crazy.

      1. LetUsBray

        "Nothing should ever be regulated, except for the lady parts of the people who have them. Regulating those is totally cool."

    2. V572 der Plaatz

      People don't realize how close Kucinich was to negotiating a co-presidency with Barry.

    1. fuflans

      i thought the same thing when i read that.

      in general i find paultards far more enduring than teatards, but shit like that…

  8. guangho

    Who will proclaim the virtues of independence and small government while seeking earmarks to promote shrimp production in Texas now?

  9. OkieDokieDog

    The Good Doctor? I didn't know Dr. Gonzo was running for POTUS. Where the hell is Oscar Zeta Acosta? I really would vote for him before I'd vote for this idiotic Ron Paul person or his equally idiotic son.

  10. jakegittes

    If he wins, I hope that we will all celebrate on Independance Day, when the ghosts of all of the Founding Fathers end up on Dancing with the Stars, just independancing themselves and all of us into some kind of crazy red, white and blue rapture.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      That'd be pretty cool even if he didn't win. It'd take something like that to get me to watch that show.

  11. mookwrthwilson

    This way of winning the presidency is so genius…it has never happened in over 220 years of electing presidents!!!

    1. SorosBot

      Optimus Prime? (I'm talking the good movie here, not those shitty Michael Bay live action crapfests).

          1. AJWjr.

            All my friends from OC sent the story to me. My take-away from it, avoid mail-order brides from SE Asia, they'll cut your dick off!

          2. PristineODummy

            I don't know who came up with that shit about demure, submissive Asian women. I have a Thai gf whose mother told her to keep ducks in case she needed to cut her old man's dick off. Feed it to them, she said, and he'll never sew it back on. Urk.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    This is the kind of strategizing that results when 5,000 dungeon masters form their own political party.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Perhaps they know the answer to the great burning question of the day: how many hit points does Mitt Romney have?

      1. jus_wonderin

        If this was software, I could dig into the code and tell you. After I lowered them, of course.

      1. MLHencken

        The late Lester William Polsfuss, Wizard of Waukesha, was, in the end, too good for this world, and far too good to ever run for Vice President of Delusional Jerk-Offs.

        May he strum away at the Iriduum Jazz Club in the sky.

  13. Nostrildamus

    … the Paul/Nader/Gore/Johnson ticket …

    After that it's Johnsons all the way down.

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      To that, I say ℠ ® © ™¶ § ¹ ² ³€ ¥ £ä ¿ ¡ ö ñ ű ú ßáéí!!!1!

  14. fuflans

    win a national election with 1-3 states

    i think this must be a second amendment solution.

  15. carlgt1

    nothing says love liberty & freedom better than "let's find loopholes so Ron Paul can win the presidency with only 8% of the vote"!"

  16. Callyson

    This guy has five kids, counting Randy, so we may not have heard the last from the Pauls…
    bring on the lolz…

  17. Fare la Volpe

    "A 6'5" 275lb. man with tears running down my face."

    I love how he had to specify both his height and his weight – all to dispel our deeply hurtful stereotype that Paultards live off arugula and vigorous outdoor activity.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Hey, don't discount the swing vote potential of America's sentimental libertarian bear bloc.

    2. DahBoner

      I'm 6'4", under 200 and am not underweight.

      Unless he is a center for the Knicks, 275 is overweight/obese, even for that height…

    3. __kth__

      He thinks it makes him sound like a tough guy moved to tears, as opposed to the blubbering fat fuck that he no doubt is.

    4. user-of-owls

      Well it's no surprise that if you over-stuff the casing, you're gonna have tears. Even a novice sausage-maker could tell you that.

  18. Poindexter718

    The solution, my friends, involves Freemasons, a speculum, Rick Santorum and lots of baby oil.
    That is all I can reveal at this juncture.

    1. MissusBarry

      I'm generally a nice, nonviolent liberal, but if Rick Santorum was ever anywhere near me with a speculum, he'd be having an early reunion with all those aborted ghost fetii he loves so much. Oh, wait, not where you were going. Oh, well, a true statement, nonetheless.

    2. PristineODummy

      Rick Santorum doesn't DO baby oil. Unless it's made from fresh babies, that is.

  19. horsedreamer_1

    Is that one in three states, or 33% of the states, or one to three states, as in Vermont, Oregon, &/or Idaho?

    Either way, of course, Ron is expecting to split the vote enough to throw this into the house (Obama 265 electoral votes, GOP 260, Paul 12).

    1. Reagan Still Dead

      No, you moran 1-3 states means TWO. Two states by *snicker* write -in vote and he's the presnit!

      Actually I think it what your numbers suggest, although taking 16+ states, seriously? (However that's 20 states using flea bagger maths)

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        No, he can do it. The only trick is get 46 or 47 of the other states to secede before election day.

    2. TheMightyHaltor

      I think it means one minus three states, which is exactly how many Ron Paul will win.

  20. ManchuCandidate

    Such a spry 75 year old man.

    Considering how bad the job aged both Barry and Bubba, I'm guessing Ron Paul would look like the cryptkeeper at the end of his, LOL, "term."

  21. 5thstate

    From the Daily Paul (really? every damn day?)
    Submitted by Tominellay on Tue, 07/12/2011 – 15:46.

    Ron Paul has led this horse to water…up to us to drink it, elect him president...

    Horse? Maybe he means Magic Pony? Then the paultards drink the water, and shazam—Prez Paul!

    Seems to me that farcical aquatic ceremonies are hardly the basis for a system of government, but then they do have a horse.

    Wait! Does the horse represent the blimp?

      1. 5thstate

        That's what I thought at first, but what a gynecologist and his horse do together that makes grown men cry is entirely their business.
        Hands off my Horse Cum! .
        Cummed-on Enough Already.
        Did you remember to water my Tree of Liberty with Horse Cum? 'Cos it looks a bit wilted.

  22. Gratuitous World

    if you choose to drink the free market benzene water, please flip back to comment page 3 to continue the search for the presidential gold in the Klan's gun shack, right next to the cases of Monster Energy drink.

  23. 5thstate

    Best Paultard Comment Yet , for realz:

    "This is stupid…
    Submitted by phenn on Tue, 07/12/2011 – 14:45.
    A 6'5" 275lb. man with tears running down my face.

    Don't ever think that for one moment Dr. Paul that anything you have done has ever been in vain. We all carry you inside us now, and it will never go away, you have taught and inspired us.

    Let's roll! "

    Yeah, Ron Paul is Harry Potter/doomed 9/11 airplane passenger. With a horse.

    1. widestanceroman

      I think that means they all blew him and are now incubating some new horrible life form.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah. The phrase "We all carry you inside us now, and it will never go away" really makes me a little queasy.

        1. 5thstate


          "We all carry you inside us now, and it will never go away….like a tumor which can flourish and grow, free from the interference of big government socialized medicine"

    2. carlgt1

      where do they get this bizarre "inspiration"? There's certainly nothing in Ron Paul's record that makes me think he's a shining beacon of freedom or whatever. And these zealots would dare criticize people who got excited about Obama?

      1. 5thstate

        DOCTOR Ron Paul is like a noble WASP Lakota chief, who gets upset and teary about Ameros instead of piles of trash—or something, There's got to be peyote involved. and SKOAL. Who knows?

      1. 5thstate

        Like a Trojan touched for the very first time, maybe
        Or heroin, or a Trojan horse, or a condom?
        Or as in "he's from Troy, he's a Trojan'

        Basically what ever Doctor Ron Paul want it to be…bless him ! ,

  24. Tommmcattt

    Additionally, if you cross your fingers and shout "No Backsies" it becomes illegal to impeach any president with the initals "RP".


    p∑∆ƈ∑ ð∪+ !!!!

    1. user-of-owls

      illegal to impeach any president with the initals "RP".

      Oh fuck…you know who else is a 'contender' from Texas??

  25. Pragmatist2

    This all proves one thing: writing computer code develops parts of the brain that drive out the ability to deal with reality.

  26. Nostrildamus

    With this inspiration, I will no longer work at the AM/PM mart so I can focus all my energy on winning the lottery.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Different player, same song.
        I wish that one of them could come up with some independent thought and pithy remarks.

      2. SorosBot

        It's the same old guy; for some reason he likes to change his name, then unfollow and re-follow everyone; what he thinks it's for I have no clue.

        1. PristineODummy

          If you're lucky, he'll follow you three times in the space of two days! (My own personal record so far.)

      3. PristineODummy

        That teensy-weensy pricklet is following ME now. What, Gimp in a leather bottom mask wasn't enough? This guy's probly into poop-play, though. A poopy bottom.

  27. Fox n Fiends

    Lets just hope Dr. Paul starts a third party as soon as possible, we may need this Ross Perot 2.0 in 2012.

  28. Lascauxcaveman

    I'm guessing these Constitutional secrets are the same crazy secrets discovered by local housewife to lose ugly belly fat. It's spam, paultards, don't open it.

    1. GOPCrusher

      They sell Extenze at most of the big chain drug stores now. You don't need to order your male enhancement products on the Internet anymore.

  29. Fare la Volpe

    YourOpenBook has some great Paultard conniption fits going down. My favorite comment, though, is this jolly fellow:

    "Ron Paul? Isn't that the guy Bruno tried to make a pass at in his movie?"

  30. BaldarTFlagass

    Hey now it's time for you and me
    Got a revolution Got to revolution
    Come on now we're marching to the sea
    Got a revolution Got to revolution
    Who will take it from you
    We will and who are we
    we are volunteers of America

    I don't think this is quite what Paul Kantner and Marty Balin had in mind when they wrote this song.

    1. carlgt1

      maybe they are thinking more like Lennon:

      You want a Paul-tard revolution, well, you know…
      we all love to read Ayn Rand.

      got a loophole in the Consitution, well, you know….
      that's the teabag secret plan!

  31. DahBoner


    "Take 3 tokes off AQUA BUDDHA and then hang up a sign at a lunch counter that says:"


  32. BaldarTFlagass

    If he gets elected, will we all have to start writing in those bizarre symbols? I hope not, I have a hard enough time just doing the Alt-13 and Alt-14 thing for the musical notes.

  33. V572 der Plaatz

    Obstetro-Congressman-Mister-Doctor Ron Paul says sensible things about not having so many discretionary wars. But when he gets to talking about the gold standard, the Fed an evil conspiracy, etc, it makes you think he's probably a better physician than an economist.

    Nonetheless he'll be missed! Rand isn't nearly so charming.

    1. user-of-owls

      I first read, "Obstrepero-Congressman," which I think more aptly captures the essence of the man if not his vocation.

      1. V572 der Plaatz

        He's likethe wacky relative at a family party who corners you and wants to talk about the 200-mpg carburetor that GM or the oil companies bought up and suppressed. “No, really! I saw it in Popular Mechanix! Can't remember which issue, but it's true!”

        1. user-of-owls

          Oh no, that's the sane relative. The one who tries to foist a badly-xeroxed copy of a John Birch Society newsletter or say today's Washington Times, now that's the one where you want to simulate Sudden-Onset-Hemorrhagic-Fever symptoms.

  34. mumbly_joe

    "Secret way to have Ron Paul win 2012 Election"

    You know, for people who love liberty so much, they seem to like anti-democratic tyranny an awful lot.

  35. glamourdammerung

    Ron is simply retiring to spend more time with his family. And Holocaust denier pals.

  36. Chet Kincaid

    Based on Dr. Paul's decades of experience as a practicing GynoMysogynist, there is no problem that can't be solved with a liberty-yeast-pill and a freedom douche! To the stirrups, America! Ride the Invisible Hand!!

    1. DashboardBuddha

      yep…and if he runs as an independent, he'll hang around the neck of the GOP and drag them down.

      1. Larry McAwful

        Is that why the Paul Party's mascot is an albatross? Finally, that makes sense! I'd long thought it should be the armadillo, because it's from Texas, is small, has thick armor, and is often found smashed along the side of the road. But the albatross is a good one, too.

  37. glamourdammerung

    I love how everything with Paultards comes down to hidden messages and unproveable as well as unfeasible conspiracy. And everyone who disagrees is never just wrong, but horrific and evil personified. Kind of sounds like schizophrenia to me.

  38. Redhead

    Well junior paul thinks you don't need a license to practice medicine. I guess senior pauly thinks you don't need votes to be president.

  39. smitallica

    Yes, the founders devised a BRILLIANT electoral system whereby delegates pick the president, thereby ensuring that, say, a Demoocrat's vote in Texas will be meaningless and a single county in Ohio can give George Bush a second term. Go fuck yourselves, founding fathers.

  40. user-of-owls

    Really not much of a mystery here, you dizzy children, just a misplaced hyphen: In the Founders' day, you win 1-3 states, it's called a 'unanimous vote,' not a 'secret.'

  41. BlueStateLibel

    This sounds like some movie with Tom Hanks in it that's boring and hard to follow.

  42. TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

    Peoria mom discovers one weird old tip in Constitution to elect Ron Paul to the presidency! <click here>

  43. ttommyunger

    Relax, Paultards, Young Rand is waiting in the wings, breathing through his mouth, eyes glazed, hair akimbo, semi-erect and ready to take the Baton from the Master of Crazy.

  44. ThundercatHo

    I saw him referred to as the "intellectual godfather" of the tea party. Any sentence that puts intellect and tea party together is hilarious.

  45. Larry McAwful

    If Ron Paul can collect enough superdelegates, he can totally pull this off. And when you look at the sheer number of Republican superdelegates, it becomes obvious that all Future President Paul has to do is… oh, wait… never mind…

  46. Negropolis

    Who will be the crazy grandpa of the Congress, now? Our Robert Byrd is gone, no longer there to wander the halls at night looking for the chamber doors. Now our poor Ron Paul Revere won't be there to scream at us that the debt ceiling is coming in fast, whilst ringin' those bells and shootin' those warnin' shots.

    I'd nominate John Conyers, Sandy Levin, and John Dingell, all octagenarian Democrats from the Metro Detroit, but none have the force of personality, alone, to respectably carry such a burden and title. BARBARIC!

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