According to this important email from Michele Bachmann’s campaign, she is going to win Iowa and then whatever other states are part of America. She is a uniter, not a divider! (As long as you’re an “ex-gay” who helps her collect foster-parenting money, as a “small business.”) And this strategy is working with the nine Republicans in Iowa currently paying attention to the presidential election, which takes place in exactly a year-and-a-half from now.
A new poll reveals Rep. Michele Bachmann has surged to the lead among likely Republican caucus-goers in Iowa.
Bachmann, an Iowa native who now represents a district in Minnesota, has built a lead over former Gov. Mitt Romney, who is focusing more on New Hampshire after a bitter and costly defeat in Iowa in 2008. Romney holds a huge lead in Granite state polls, although Bachmann has surged there too.
According to the new IowaRepublican.com poll, Bachmann has built a four point lead over Romney, 25-21.
So, 25% in a poll two summers before the election equals Winning Big. Maybe Zombie Reagan really will have to be raised from his watery tomb and made to run against his actual child, Barack Obama.
And here’s her fantastic new commercial, which lists all of her political experience: foster parent, lady, born in Iowa. Hey, they used to say Reagan was just a foster parent lady, too! And he not only got elected, but he destroyed America.
[LAT]
{ 160 comments }
I just read an article on how the woman with the "titanium spine" loves to call the police for every mean email she gets. I'm sure Mr Bachmann encourages her to call the police frequently. The only thing that would thrill him more than the police showing up would be if they were accompanied by the Indian, (feathers, not dots), the leather biker dude, the cowboy, the GI, and the construction worker.
Bet the police have their own special name for her, possibly "Bitchmann".
No, I don't think so. That's too clever. They would be using the simple but always classy "cunt"
Uh-oh Barb, she said she's a "job creator."
All men were endowed by their job creator with certain unalienable rights. (A phrase which tested high in both patriotism and piety.)
And most importantly, not raising taxes.
Which one is Colin Powell?
Call 911, Make a Cop Cum
I think I realize why the teabagging base loves her so much: their shared paranoid schizophrenia.
Like most Repubicans, she thinks 9-1-1 is the answer to every question.
As someone with actual titanium spinal instrumentation, if I could remove it, I would beat Michele into a bloody pulp with it. One day, when it is replaced, I may just do that. Then I will give it to the Democratic party leadership.
"Dear Jism" has much to be said for it but I think "Dear God" would be the most appropriate way to start that letter.
Except that He better not be listening to Bachmann.
I first ran away from the Pentecostals / Assemblies of Gawd because I felt their attention-whoring and hands-up, swaying displays in church surely was repugnant to Her. Now I state as a dyed-in-the-wool atheist that she better not receive any attention from any almighty…
(…or my goose is cooked.)
I think I've seen that letter before…
Dear god, I don't know if you noticed but…
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book
And us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look
And all the people that you made in your image
still believing that junk is true.
Well I know it ain't, and so do you.
I won't believe in heaven or hell
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well
No pearly gates, no thorny crown
You're always letting us humans down
The wars you bring, the babes you drown
Those lost at sea and never found
And it's the same the whole world 'round
The hurt I see helps to compound
That father, son and holy ghost
Is just somebody's unholy hoax
And if you're up there you'll perceive
That my heart's here upon my sleeve
If there's one thing I don't believe in..
It's you
that's just too fucking many children.
That's not a family atmosphere, that's boot camp
Plus a government payment, don't forget.
Dear Jism;
Watch me surging.
Love,
Michelle
That's hot.
Well, it is a state full of corn.
In Michele's approach, foster parenting has a lot in common with raising veal.
That counts for a lot in an agricultural state.
The more cruelty to animals, the better, in ag states. Like mine.
Thus obviating the need for medicare, medicaid, and Social Security.
Win-win
Are you implying that her foundlings emerge from the process with a lot of tenderness, because I think that's where your analogy starts to break down.
They emerge white, which is what really matters.
True, but so do maggots but I've yet to see an overpriced Verme Marsala on a trattoria menu.
Waterloo? More like waterlogged.
Gov. Mitt Romney, who is focusing more on New Hampshire after a bitter and costly defeat in Iowa in 2008.
With this revelation coming from the Bachmann camp, the word for today is "Fuck Iowa."
"Fuck Iowa."
And their fucking ethanol made from food.
Says someone that lives in a state that is a wholly owned entity of one T. Boone Pickens.
DBB has to actually live in Oklahoma – hasn't she suffered enough?
And as Her Highness is crowned, her magical fairy and personal stylist Marcus the Bent flitters his hands and :::poof:::: all sodomy disappers from the Land of Corn and Cows.
Needz moar zhuzhing.
Query: sodomy and beastility are like totally different things, right?
As long as it's an animal it's not sodomy no matter what orifice you use, right?
'Cause in that case, Right On!
So long as you just do the females, you're not queer! (Ohio slogan.)
Dear Jism,
The e:mail opens. Not "Truck Nutz", nor just plain "Truck"; "Jism". Could this mean our Wonkette, Jr., is Jim Newell (James could easily be slurred into Jism, as a means of hiding in plain-sight), desperately trying to escape the vapidity of Gawker & return to our vibrant Wonkette?
Also: Michele Bachmann = Tom Vilsack in pumps.
Has sufficient attention been paid to Miche1e's footwear? Doesn't seem like it. We got to hear all about Palin's fuckme pumps. What's Miche1e hiding?
Dear Jism: Quit dribbling down my chin!
Needs moar cockbibs.
I was called Jism for a while, but then I finished first in the Love Canal Overhand Crawl, and ZYGOTE!!!
Did you tell your fellow spermatozoa to fuck off and die?
~
As I dove into the ovum, I hollered "I"M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!" and flipped them all off.
My apologies, as a native Western New Yorker, "Love Canal" is synonymous with toxic waste dump turned housing development. Needed a second read.
This is Bachmann we are talking about, and that's exactly how I read it.
Which won you 9 months of sacred blessed protected life.
Pining for the days when Trump was in the race.
I'm pining for the Gerald Fjords.
I can't tell which this is more proof of, the coming apocalypse, the utter desperation of the GOP, or the total charisma deficit of guys like T-Paw and Mittens.
And before any of you loyal wonketteers say it, yes the answer is:
ALL OF THEM, KATIE.
i keep hearing that rick perry is going to get in the race. i wonder how that will go.
I'm rooting for Tyler Perry.
Steve Perry or Steven Tyler.
Hell, Katie Perry would be a better President than any of these guys.
I declare this response: Win.
As long as we're considering the tit-ular head of USAmerican gummint, then yes.
I'm rooting for Paul.
Ru Paul that is.
But if he does, how will "our" the wonket top "Perry to announce candidacy, kills Mexican to celebrate," or whatever the exact words were. Best headline, ever. Eat your heart out "onion". And wonkette had to use something factual to base the "story" on.
Darn, I can't believe you beat me to it!
Sometime you just want her to Win, then watch the world burn just to say "see I told you so".
Yes, I'm sorry to admit, I do sometimes want that.
This is really just a variation on letters I used to send home from college:
Dear folks- Send money. Love ya, mean it – Oblio.
Is it her Waterloo?
So she's more engaging to cornhusky value voters than RoboRomney; but is she a hoarse-whisperer like Cain?…
Oh Jesus Christ, last week one of my "co-workers" was talking about how that Herman Cain guy looked pretty darn interesting. I just kept walking. I gave up fighting teh stoooopid and everything is better now.
I hate this fucking state – area – hole in the universe.
Will you look at that makeup? She looks like a Cabbage Patch Raccoon. Anyway, now that ABC News did some accidental reporting last night on what Marcus Bachmann's clinic is really up to, she might start hitting some bumpy patches on the road to her coronation.
I noticed that when she was cornered she responded with a line about how she was focusing on stuff like "job creation". Does the House know about this interest of hers? Because they don't seem to talk about it very much.
Helluva video BTW, thanks. You just cannot pull that crap in the age of YouTube.
She probably meant that she was "focusing on talking about stuff like job creation."
You'd think they would know, after the O'Keefe nonsense, that someone could easily walk into their office and start asking questions that would produce uncomfortable answers in regards to their compliance with regulations and sound medical practices. It's nice that they're so damn complacent they'll give straightforward answers that yes, they're conducting prayer voodoo to make gays straight — you don't even have to edit the hell out of the video to make it incriminating.
What does Medicare/Medicaid pay for a prayer voodoo session?
And when did being gay qualify as a medical condition?
I don't know, but Bachmann's clinic has gotten $137,000 in Medicaid funds in the last six years for something they know is against the law to practice with federal money. But of course, that's a distraction from the real issues, like how many children she's raised.
As someone far cleverer than me once pointed out, let's say you really, sincerely believe the gay can be cured away, would you then be completely open to an ex-gay as your future son-in-law?
Are you kidding? Those people are insane.
I noticed that "liberal media" sure is trying hard to not recall pretty much anything she said prior to about two weeks ago.
Well I will certainly place my lady vote for the lady with the mostest babies – real birthed or bought sold? whatever. That was Hillary's problem, she didn't have enough babies (Bill didn't count) to qualify for being elected the first lady president.
BayBEes r R FUturE1!!!
So you're holding out for one of the Duggars to jump in the race?
I've been waiting for that Michelle to flip out, go postal, and run that whole family through a wood chipper. So yeah, after doing that I'd vote for her.
I'm just waiting for one of the kids to come out of the closet and become a liberal! Jim Bob's gonna drop his hairspray when that happens!
Maybe one of the older girls that have been raising their little siblings will go to work for Planned Parenthood. That would be GOLD !
Lets face it. We are well and truly f*cked. The economy has been on the verge of collapse since 2007. One percent of the population has 90% of the wealth and could care less about the other 99%. Lunatics control one of the only two political parties, and its the one with its one TeeVee network. In reality, about 25% of the workforce is unemployed and as the final blow to the USA economy grows ever closer a good third or more of the country is praying for the apocalypse. And I think we're gonna get it. Only without magic Jebus.
Such were my dark thoughts last night. Today I'm going to try to look at shiny objects…over there! (Nope, didn't work.)
Cute internet kitties works better. With lots of booze, or benzos.
Are you always this cheerful?
The Apocalypse will probably come before the fucking county replaces my collapsed bridge. Like the wingnut preacher, the commissioners just keep moving up the date every time they miss a deadline.
Moving the dates is hard work! You know how hard it is to make sure it doesn't look like you are at fault?
This is covered in Chapter One of my forthcoming book, Why We Drink.
I hate you optimistic types.
And so, you're buying guns and stocking up on ammunition, right?
(Don't miss the PAR-TAY!!!!!!!!)
Dear Jism
Shirley this was sent to Downfisty Troll by his teabagger queen, One L?
~
even in a still photo her gaze is off.
♫ She's got Marty Feldman Eyes ♪
Damn, its like her supporters are proud to be stupid…
A couple of woman I work with are supporting her…I think because she talks in BumperStickerSpeak and the fact that I keep pointing that out to them…
Yes! This is good news! MOAR CRAZY!!!! (you know, for the lulz)
"Hey, Michelle, look this way. Look at the camera, not off to the side."
Wait, maybe Jeebus is waving at her from the right. Never mind.
I am from Iowa, and most times quite proud of my home state, but I would like to point out that the only president born in the land of the corn so far was Herbert Hoover, who was less than a rousing success for working class Americans. Reagan spent some time there as a young man, as well.
And of course noted children's entertainer John Wayne Gacy.
Iowans are especially pleased that the future "First Gentleman" will continue the First Ladies' tradition of promoting youth causes by aggressively encouraging children to consume mass quantities of high-fructose corn syrup.
Where is her gospel album?
I thought Marcus was queen of Iowa?
Dear Jism: I haven't seen anything of you in years because my faggy husband keeps holing out for Santorum.
Jism is one of her most loyal supporters?
How does she feel about Santorum?
Welcome to your new GOP.
"Morons with a Mandate."
Yes, but where does she stand on the only issue that matters to Iowans: promising to continue the utterly stupid corn subsidies that are in large part responsible for Americans being so fat, and are both a complete waste of money and a fairly reprehensible policy, but will always stay in place as long as that stupid fucking tiny unimportant rural state continues to have a ridiculous importance in selecting the President which is one of the most stupid aspects of our electoral system?
Weather Jeebus tried to take care of the I-29 idiot corridor, but we just keep going.
Have I mentioned today how much I hate this fucking part of the world?
It might be a year and a half away, but it looks like the signal has been given to take Michele down now. Vin Weber said she was attractive, Pawlenty said she was unaccomplished and various people are saying Marcus and his business are a little queer. These people are ruthless bastards.
Yep and Yep they are ruthless bastards. Sumpin' tells me that there will be a whole flock of former patients coming forward and out to tell all about Marcus' miracle cure and how Marcus probably could do with a fresh dose about now. The folks running the show at the GOP would fuck their mothers with a cheese grater to shut this one down. Unless of course, they want to throw the election until we forget how fucked up things were under W and put JEB up in 2016. Who knows with this bunch anymore? Predicting crazy is pretty damned difficult.
Is there anything she could say that would leave the voices in her head speechless?
"Is there anything she could say that would leave the voices in her head speechless? "
"I'm a ranting, raving, spit-spraying, drooling loony-tune and would be shocked shitless if this country were to elect me."
Who'd she steal the guitar riff from this time?
Shit. I thought you guys were just using jism because the like dirty words. But I checked the letter–please tell me Kirsten changed that.
Teh Wonkette only Blingeeshops photos.
Where is Katie Couric when we need her? You've got to admit it–Bachman won't be caught without answers for every question. We'll all have to pop some popcorn in her honor, put our feet up and sit in front of the computer so can enjoy it again and again.
Maybe we should begin lobbying wonkette jr for a live blog when Michele does her first sit down, serious interview. Hilarity will ensue.
"If you're wrong, double down!"
(Close enough to rhyming for this ijit.)
Hilarity ensued when I read: "her first sit-down, serious interview." Can't wait for the zany antics!!
Why Iowa and New Hampshire? Can't we choose a different state with a non-representative population to choose our monkeys? How about Hawai'i instead? We'd get to look at hunky beach dudes and dudettes (no plaid, unless in rhyming thong form), there might be a few brown people, and we could sing about fishes instead of Space Jeebus.
Humahumanukanukaapua'a!
Humahumanukanukaapua'a!
"Here, take my napkin. Looks like you're gonna need it."
I love the humuhumunukanukaapua'a. (It's a beautiful fish.)
"Humahumanukanukaapua'a!"
Sounds like somebody's got a mouth full of Jism.
Well, Guam has a primary or caucus or something before Iowa does. Really, the Iowa caucuses were not important in the '60s when I grew up there.
Post-Industrial wasteland Michigan, ground zero of an economic nuke dropping, dared to move up there primary the last time around and was treated like the red-headed stepchild it would have been treated as, regardless.
California and New York should be the primary states.
Queen of Iowa? Lay off her husband will ya!?
I would cut off my little pinkie to see Michelle Bachmann become the President of all Americans.
By the way, would you like to see my wiener?
Cut off your little pinkie? Well, most of her supporters don't have opposable thumbs, so I don't think that would drag you down too much.
I don't support the repulsive bitch. I just want to see her become President.
Um .. sounds like you'd kind of enjoy having your pinkie cut off you bad, bad boy. You must be punished! Where are my clamps?
Dear Jism,
As one of my most loyal supporters, it's sweet to know you'll stick right on my side. Just a spoonful of your help is needed. We can come together to fight the forces of porn and the ghey.
Michelle
Sharia Bachmann has pledged to end the porn and gayness, I wish she'd add no more booze and lady voting, too so we can get closer to God's Laws, hooray for teabag taliban. Thankfully, she has a whole year to refine her message to appeal more completely to the small minority who vote in caucuses!
And the slaves loving their masters like the sweet baby Jebus. Too, also.
Jism might be helpful in getting her a pearl necklace next time.
I'm just glad Tom Petty doesn't have any songs about Iowa for her to steal.
for Iowa she has John Mellencamp's entire catalog.
I'd suggest Rain on the Scarecrow, because it reminds me of her.
And you thought the Iraq and Afghanistan surges were bloody and fraught with peril!
She's got nuthin'.
Not true, I heard she got her anus bleached.
The fact Michele Bachmann is even considered a credible candidate says a lot about what a joke the GOP is at this point.
Just in case Donald Trump, Ron Paul, and the Pizza Guy wasn't enough of a hint.
Now all she has to do is keep her mouth shut for a year and a half.
And Marcus Bachmann's middle name is "Outie." Or will be.
Reagan DID destroy America, thanks for warming my heart with that line.
Tea Baggers/Republiklans in Iowa are starting to get concerned. Yeah, it's great fun that the Batshyt Crazy One has signed the Ayatollah Vander Platts' Pledge, but Huntsman has already said he won't campaign in Iowa. Romney is not planning on spending much time here. Which means that there's going to be less of that sweet, sweet campaign caysh being thrown around before the Caucuses.
Yeah, it's great fun to be a Wingnut, but it's more fun to get pandered too and get some free munnies.
Her eyes aren't crazy in the picture. Photoshopped?
If Jism is for it, I'm agin' it.
"and then whatever other states are part of America"
Where's her next campaign stop, Saskatchewan or Sonora?
It's a work in progress, my screen play for "A Field of Screams", the follow up to "Field of Dreams"…
Shoeless Joe Jackson "Is this Heaven"?
Ray Kinsella "No, it's Hell and Bachmann is large and in charge"
Simpsons did it!
She'll raise children,
but not the British children.
Short for Journalism, I'm sure.
I like to imagine she's looking up and to the left directly at an incoming plotch of seagull poop.
edit: after reading the alt-text > – 'seagull poop", + "jism".
Once again, Michelle isn't looking at the camera.
"Dear Jism" is a little, well, familiar. Perhaps "Dear Jasmes" would have been more appropriate.
You Communists can whine and moan about the 2nd Amendment all day long.
But you have to admit that all those millions of guns out there increases the chance that Some Noble, Freedom-Loving American Citizen will decide that (1) Ms. Bachmann is a cow; and (2) it's open season on said bovine.
You know, the way "Deer Season" works throughout this Great Country?
Neilist
Guns Don't Kill Presidential Candidates . . . . Unfortunately.
(Since RFK, I mean.)
P.S. And no, I won't feel embarrassed if she gets popped.
All that stuff about "I gotta have a gun so I can have another revolution" is crap! Gun-idolators only shoot their girlfriends and co-workers.
"I. Will. Not. Win. This. Election."
Iowa has apparently been at the corn squeezins again.
Dear Jism:
Every Sperm is Sacred, Every Sperm is Great. If a Sperm is Wasted, God gets Quite Irate.
Sincerely,
A. Ovum.
PS: Hurry up, we're Luteinizing in here!
I think I finally get Cheles. She is the 40 Year Old Reality Virgin. She's never had even one authentic dalliance with reality, poor thing.
BTW, there she goes again looking off into the distance. She always looks as if she justed spotted a butterfly or a pinwheel.
Leading in Iowa? All the proof I need. Never eating corn again, ever.
http://www.benzlogo.com/
I tide fashion Good-looking, not expensive Free transport
Oskaloosa Iowa knows better.
Comments on this entry are closed.